If I Were You - 309: Two Jakes (w/Jake Weisman!)

Episode Date: January 8, 2018

Friend and Co-Creator/Star of Comedy Central's "Corporate" join us to discuss camels, knives, and his new television show coming January 17!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Would you say that was Ramones-esque? I don't know enough about music to answer that. What do you think, other Jake? Yeah, I was thinking it was like the Ramones-esque. I thought it was pretty good. Yeah. Is that like, 20, 20, 24 hours ago?

Yeah, that does sound like that. I want to be sedated. It was better than that. No, obviously. Yeah, it was better than you singing the Ramones or better than the Ramones? Oh, just me, of course. Yeah.

Ramones are their icons. So it goes you, then this guy, then the Ramones. I'm better than this guy. That band was called 37 Over. And you can find them on Facebook and Instagram if you're interested. 37 Over. What do you think that means, 37 Over?

What is that a reference to? Is that a golf reference? It's like a really, really bad golf score. Really bad golf, but very honest. I shot a 118 today. 37 Over, I guess. When I was growing up, there was a band that I liked called Six Under Par.

Oh. So that was a golf reference. So it's possible. A band can be named after a golf score. I guess it'd be funnier to name it after a bad golf score than Six Under, then 37 Over. Yeah, 37 Over. It's also weird if you're kind of like a punk band,

that's sort of a punk band, to be like, I'm also into golf. But I'm not good at it. I don't care about aggressive music, but I did grow up playing golf. Jake Wiseman. Jake Wiseman? This is our first Jake guest, would you say?

It's possible. How do you feel when there's another Jake in the room? I'm always a little stressed about it. I'm used to it. Yeah, that's true, yeah. Good Lord. Yeah, I guess it is a little stressful. Yeah.

It can really only be one. It does feel like a competition for no reason. Are you a Jacob? Yeah. Yeah, me too. Yeah, so you don't have that on hand. All right. How many middle names you got?

Two. Me too. Jacob, Aaron, Gladstone, Weissman. Wow. Very Jewish. First done in the Holocaust for sure. Yeah, dude, you beat me on syllables. One of my middle names is only one syllable.

What was your name? Jacob Penkooper Hurwitz. Wow. That's pretty close. Yeah, mine's a little, yeah. Aaron Gladstone? Aaron Gladstone, yeah. It's very Jewish.

I think it works. I thought when I was growing up, I was born in 1983, and it was a pretty... I didn't meet a lot of other Jakes, but now, as I'm sure you know, it's like the most popular boy's name. Yeah, it is pretty popular. Which is deeply upsetting.

But I still only... I'm like my close friends, and maybe this goes to what you're saying about not liking to be the only Jake in the room. I don't know any other... I'm not close friends with any other... Maybe one other Jake. Yeah, I am friends with one other Jake,

and it sucks for me. Like, I really don't like... I'm not a very competitive person, but I am. Like, I'm mad at you right now. Yeah. And you should be. Yeah, I'm really mad.

Well, this is the first Jake podcast on the internet. We're just talking Jake with Jake and Jake. Yeah, it's weird. It's unsettling to hear it so much. You can call... It's lost all meaning. You can come up with another name for me for this podcast if you want.

No, it would be for Hurwitz over here. Yeah. Hurwitz works, actually. Okay. Anybody call you Weissman? A few people. Like my dad... Your dad, whose last name is the same as yours,

called you Weissman. Yeah, he called me Weissman a little bit. That's pretty cool. Like Weissman, you idiot. Yeah, a few people call me Weissman. But it's not. I'm mostly Jake. Yeah.

Which is, I think, solid. I love one syllable. It's such a solid name that like... It's solid. It has personality without having to do any work. I never had a nickname growing up. Did you have like nicknames? Like Jake was always...

It was mostly just like insults about how big my head was. Cause like, so I married an ax murderer came out when I was younger. So it was like, heed. Heed move now. Cause like the guy, the kid had the big head. So it was like, heed was my nickname. Oh, interesting.

Yeah, so that kind of stuff. Your head doesn't look incredibly large to me. I'll show you a different angle and you'll understand. Oh, wow. He just turned to the right. It was like flat Stanley. I'm hearing. Yeah.

But no, it's mostly Jake. Do you give Jake at Starbucks? Or do you say a different name? No, I say Jake. I say Jake. By the way, you may have already known this. Did you... I heard that Starbucks tells their employees

to purposely write the names wrong for social media. Advertising? That's not true. I don't think that's true. If it is, it's the most brilliant thing I've ever heard. It is really smart. But I don't think like...

I don't think like the top... Yeah, like the head honchos at the Starbucks headquarters like trickled down to the people over in the... In Little Tokyo who got my name wrong. It's pretty brilliant. I'd like to think it's true. It's like what I would do,

but it's not probably company policy. Sorry, this is a little off-topic, but you said honcho and I love that word and want to be one. Like, is there any point at which you think you'll get to your life where like, I'm the head honcho? Oh, actually I am. I'm the head honcho. Yeah, there's a lot of honchos here.

Oh yeah, a whole bunch of honchos. That actually brings us to the fact that you have a TV show coming out. I do. So you could argue that you're the head honcho of corporate. Yeah. Which is coming to Comedy Central. Yeah, I mean, I'm glad you said it. It's hard to assert yourself as the head honcho,

but if someone else asserts it, yes. Right, yeah, because you're very sweet. You would never say that I'm the head honcho. But you did create the show. Yeah, co-created the show. Don't even say co. Okay, you're the head honcho. I wrote, directed, and filmed it all by myself.

I honchoed it, and sorry, one more thing before we get into that. I was thinking recently about how, I said, we honchoed it, how rich people make nouns verbs, and that's my goal. Like, we summer in France, and I like, that's the goal, is to make nouns verbs, and that's when you know you're a head honcho. I also goal to make verbs nouns. Yeah, I think you're good. Whatever that was.

Yeah, we created the show corporate on Comedy Central, and it's weird when you've been like a PA in your life, or an assistant, or I worked at a chandelier store, to suddenly be a boss, and you're like, I'm a boss? Like, I come into work not thinking that anyone will listen to what I'm saying, and just apologizing before asking anything, but like, you have to get used to saying things,

and then people taking that as gospel, and be like, oh, that's how it should work. Right. That's a weird thing. I'm sure, you guys have that somewhere, I'm sure it's weird when people listen to you. I feel uncomfortable with it. I think that it's, that's a good place,

that like, probably makes you a better boss. It definitely helps that you've like, PA'd and worked in a chandelier store, because you understand that like, when you say something, many little things happen, and like, people go and actually do work, based on a sentence. It's a weird thing, because I don't know what I'm doing.

Like, I don't know, like, I have holes in all my clothes, but also, I think, also, I learned from being a head honcho, that my goal was never to really be a head honcho, but it was to never have to answer to another head honcho. Like, it's, I don't necessarily want to be a boss, I just don't want to have to work for anyone. And that's the main best thing about being any sort of success, I think, is not having-

We're too very like Jake's. That's like, literally exactly what I, what our goal was at College Humor, was to just like, shed the people above us, though without adding anybody below us. Yeah. Did, do you feel like that, do you feel Comedy Central is still sort of in charge,

because they're paying for the show? I mean, for sure. I am a corporate entity, and no longer own myself at all, but there is, just because if you're writing the show, it is away from them. So there are people that are probably smarter than you, that you hire as writers, who you are their boss. Yeah.

Even if they're, and this happened for you guys, you have a podcast network, so you have friends. Who are better than us, so we were here first. Yeah. Which is funny, because the professionalism of the people who work for us is like, it surpasses us by a lot. And it's like, in the office, and when we're on set, you know, you say like, oh, this like,

can we dress this up like a dorm room? Yeah. And then you walk away and like, somebody takes that job so seriously, and they do an amazing, like amazing work. So much better than you could. Right. And if I had to do it, I'd buy like a DMB poster,

and be like, I think this will work. I'm too dumb or inept to be anything but the head honcho. Like that's like, truly what it is. That's sort of the thesis of your show. You have to say the thing and walk away. You say something and leave, and then you come back and somebody's done it. The also the weird thing, I don't know how you guys feel

about this, I try not to think about it, but just because every boss I've ever had, even if they were good, I wanted them to die. So I like, so I feel like that must be how people have felt about us, because even though, even I'm sure you're nice and benevolent, but just because they have to do what you say, they must say bad things about you,

even though you're unbelievably nice people. Right, you can't. They must dislike you. Yeah. You are the face of all their problems. You would have to, I would have to believe that just because I'm so dumb, that like, sometimes people are just, you know,

get an order from me and they're like, he's a fucking moron. What do I, but then I think that level of self-awareness helps if at least you're, at least they can't be like, he's dumb and mean and a bad boss. Right, he just has bad, he doesn't know how to work or he's just not that smart. That's what I hope people do.

Yeah, that would be fine. Jake's a great guy, he's just not right. That's actually pretty good. From one Jake to another, that's pretty good. Well, we'll talk about your show in a little bit, but I do want to answer some questions, because we don't often have two Jakes in the room dispensing their wisdom.

People need us. Let's see how similar you guys are in this regard. These are real emails, Jake, from real people. All we need is a fake name, just so we can preserve this lady's anonymity. I think the name we're going with is Jake. Whoa, a lady named Jake. I feel like that's the next cool iteration of Jake, as like-

Jake has to evolve. Either grows or it dies. Number one boy's name, number one girl's name. That's why we have failed. The full Monty. The jake over. The complete jake over. All right, she writes,

So my fuck buddy and I were laying in bed. That's right. This is like an X-rated show. Whoa. Get ready. My fuck buddy and I were laying in bed talking, and he told me he's never ridden a camel, but really wants to someday.

It's all fine and cool, but today I was stalking his Instagram, and I saw that two years ago, he posted a picture of him riding a camel at the State Fair. What the fuck? Why would he lie about that? Should I tell him that I know he was lying? I want to keep fucking this guy,

but I'm just so confused. This is also, this is the only thing that's been off about him in the last two months or so that we've been fucking. Thanks. Love Jake. Yeah. All right.

Wow. Interesting. I am genuinely baffled by this one. That is such a specific problem. I mean, all I want to do, I feel like the best way to work this out would be to maybe try to have the dialogue if we were to confront this guy,

because it's such a specific problem. It's like, it's like, hey, thank you for making me have an orgasm. I wanted to talk to you about something. You are my buddy. I saw that you did ride a camel, and you said that you have never ridden, rode a camel? Yeah, it's rode every other animal,

but ridden for a camel. That makes sense. It's a weird grammar thing. I think you could do like sort of like, you can let him perjure himself. You know, like rather than say like, hey, by the way, I saw that you actually have ridden a camel or rode a camel.

What was it? What did we say? So it's ridden for goats, monkeys, and llamas, and rode for camels. I thought you just said the opposite. Yes, it just changed. I guess what is weird about this is his curiosity of riding a camel is so specific.

Like clearly it was post-coital, and he's like, can I tell you a secret? I want to ride a camel, because I have never said that. I mean, I've thought about it, but I've never vocalized it. So in order to vocalize it, I would have had to really want to.

It is a freeing thing to say. I've never mentioned it before, but talking about it now, I want to ride a camel. I do want to. Because of the humps. You like being in between the humps. I think in a level of satisfaction. Well, I have a theory on this actually,

because I read this question earlier, and I had no idea what to make of it, but on the second, listen, I think I understand what he meant. Which is? Which is, I can explain it in an experience. I have a song. Jake, a beat.

So I rode a horse, or is it ridden a horse? So it's ridden for horses, donkeys, and lions. I rode a horse when I was very young, but I grew up thinking that I really want to ride a horse. But what I was imagining wasn't actually being on a horse at a fair, or at a birthday party, which is where I rode the horse for the first time. I was imagining riding my horse across the plains.

And I think what he's saying is that he wants an experience, a true riding a camel experience. Like he wants to travel to Israel or Africa. Oh, so you're- He wants to- He wants to- I think that's exactly correct. Thank you.

Yeah, I actually completely agree with that. So I think you got a taste of the camel at the fair. I feel like you're speaking like a really good liar. Someone's like, you said you never rode a camel, but I caught you. You're in the Instagram. No, no, no, no. We'll see, that was a-

That was an even riding. I want to ride a wild camel. But I love the idea that he got a taste of what riding a camel was like. Like he got to sit in between those humps, and post-coital, like his mind clear, all that was there was like, can I tell you a deep secret? I want more.

Do you know what having sex reminded me of? The other time I was this thrilled, which is when I sat between two humps, and I dreamed of being in sand. Yeah. Riding a camel is not unlike titty fucking someone. Uh-huh. You find yourself in between two humps,

a rock and a hard play. But you're sitting in between two giant breasts. That's right. Rock hard, probably. Oh, unbelievably. As hard as literally a rock, so where it is so uncomfortable to touch that penis, because it's a rock.

Yeah. And you just make flint out of it. You can create a little fire. Yeah. I don't know, here's my, what I would say to Jake. Um, this guy is probably lying to you, but he has an active imagination, and he has a need to experience life.

Keep going at it. I have a feeling, though, that this person doesn't, Jake doesn't just want to keep fucking this other person who's also named Jake. Yeah. Um, but I think you probably like him, and I think you should go ride a camel with him and be together.

I agree. If two months has gone by, and the only weird thing that's happened is that he said he wanted to ride a camel, and you, frankly, you did the weirder thing by going all the way back in his Instagram and looking at camel pictures, right? Yeah, I bet you wouldn't admit to that either.

Right. Yeah. So I think you each have a little secret. So it's, and like that's, I think in the grand scheme of things, this is not that bad. So you say don't bring it up. I say don't bring it up,

but if you continue dating, and if you continue being fucked, that's what I would say. This is not something you bring up to your fuck buddy. Maybe something you bring up to the boyfriend. Yeah. So we like a playful way. Like, wait a minute, you said you didn't ride a camel.

Not like, so I caught you in a lie. Because at a certain point, it becomes acceptable to go all the way back through somebody's, I know everybody does it immediately, but like if you really started dating somebody, then you could theoretically be like, I went really far back in your Instagram,

and you could tell that person without feeling ashamed. Jake Weisman, are you grammin'? Are you on the gram? I am on the gram. Are you into it? I'm very into it. I have a very specific Instagram that is very crazy. So I'm into it in a certain way.

What's your name on it? I'll look at it. Weisman Jake. Okay. W-E-I-S-M-A-N-J-A-K-E. Here's my issue with Instagram. My issue with Instagram is that comedians on Instagram don't care about being funny most of the time.

They just want to be thought of as hot. Every comedian just wants to be fuckable. And that's fine if you admit it. If you just admit, like, because it's like people will post a photo of like this crazy thing in their faces in it for no reason. It's like, you just want people to want you because you're insecure,

which is why you became a comedian to begin with. Either be funny or just be brutally honest. So I have created Instagram, which I won't necessarily talk about, that is really crazy as sort of a fuck you. I see it. I see it. I'm looking through it now and see the comment thread. Yeah.

So it's a little crazy, but I just think if you are a comedian specifically, you need to be funnier on Instagram and stop just posting photos of food and your abs. Otherwise, it's a great thing. And I love it. And people are expressing themselves visually and that's beautiful.

Yeah. Do you follow? Do you stalk? Do you do research? The most embarrassing thing I do is just see who watched my Instagram stories. That's the most embarrassing thing that I will admit to is be like, oh, that's interesting that they're watching me.

I didn't think they liked me. Yeah, it's a little thing. But that's a sad thing to admit to. Yeah, you're like, oh, they keep watching. The tiny little bit of dopamine that seeps out. Yeah, it's so sad. It's horrible. Remember Facebook poking?

Yeah. This is like a much more passive version of that. Yeah. And that was heroin to me. So that was just like, I don't, like that meant so much more than I thought it should. Yeah. And when somebody likes a post of mine,

especially if it's like somebody I used to hook up with or something, I'm like, oh my god. Holy, Jake still got it. That was a kiss. I'm cheating. I think that Facebook poking is interesting because the people who created Facebook probably didn't, oh, I guess his name is Mark Zuckerberg.

We all know him. When he created poking, I don't think he thought, like that moment when he's like, we'll have poking, I don't think he thought about the fact that that would lead to so many children being poured. You know what I mean? That led to so many people hooking up to like future probably politicians existing

simply because they poked each other. That's really true. Which I think is a really interesting thing. And the idea that it's for anything but sex and camel riding is silly. And yeah, I miss it. I don't do it anymore because it seems like it's almost like harassment.

Poking? Yeah. Yeah, at this point it's like. We know exactly what this means. There was a time when poking was like the subtlest way that you could do it, because other than that, you had to direct message or you know. 100%.

And now you can, now the new poke is like an Instagram like or an Instagram view where it's just like, I did that to a lot of people. It doesn't mean anything. But to the people who knows that it means something, it means everything. Yeah, exactly. It's nice.

It's good. And I like it. It's good and I like it. Yeah. So all your Instagram photos have a knife in it. Yeah, you can say that. That's the theme? At least one.

Just all of them. Every single one. I started from the top or was this a recent trend? There is not one missing one. It's, I will say it's crazy, but it also, and I don't want, I can't explain too much about it, but I do think it's funny. And I think long jokes are a prison that you're,

you can never get out of. But also at least it's trying to be dumb. Do you comment anything about the knives ever? Or it's just like always that's part, that's just. I try not to talk about it, because I think it's funnier to not mention it most of the time. I see. All right.

Cause I also think that again, most people just want to be thought of as hot. And I don't, I don't care. Like I don't, you know what I mean? Like no one's coming after me cause I look great. You know what I mean? That's not fair. You're cute.

I just wanted you to say that. All right. But I do think that it's funny to like, like I like the idea of like people, people just going about their day. They just want to see what someone's eating. And then they're like, what the, I'm so unsettled. But I also have heard that friends of mine

like at home, they'll just be like preparing dinner and they see their utensils and they think of me and they're so annoyed. That's really. I love that they have to think of me when they don't want to. This isn't, that is like a few pictures. Yeah, no. This is over a thousand.

This is over a thousand. For years, right? I'm a weird person. For years. Yes. For years. And was the first one a knife one? That was the only reason I signed up for Instagram

was I had the idea. I was like, this is such a stupid platform. Though I don't think it's a stupid platform anymore, but I thought it was so vain. I now understand it's just a way it's a part of life now. It's fine. But I was so frustrated with the vanity of it that I was like, I need to be weird right out the gate.

Otherwise, I don't need to be on there. No one needs to look at my face. But if I can keep being annoying, eventually someone will talk about it and we'll think I'm more interesting than I am. On April Fool's Day, you should post a non-knife picture. I've thought about that and I'm terrified. Because now you're like.

Because then it's admitting the joke and what? Yeah, exactly. Are you a little OCD about this? Do you think bad luck will happen to you if you post a non-knife picture? I would love to say no, but definitely. I mean, clearly, I have a problem. I mean, this isn't a sign of mental health.

Clearly, something is wrong and I need someone to help me, but I'm not ready yet. You ever have a good picture and you're like, fuck, there's no knife in it? Yes. This is an awesome fuck sunset, but you know what? I'm going to have to photoshop.

I saw the most beautiful thing. I've been scrolling since we started talking and I haven't gotten to the bottom of it. Yeah, it goes on forever. And the problem is, if my career goes well as I want it to, eventually I will be stabbed to death in a Selena-esque way. It will be poetic and there will be a biopic and it will be like, obviously,

this is what was going to happen, but that's fine and I deserve it. Oh, that's really cool. The documentary would be called The Knife's Edge. Nice. Who was the tennis player that got stabbed during Monica Sellis? That was crazy.

And then she rest in peace. Yeah. No, she survived. All right. And that allowed Steffi Graff, I believe, to be the champion. No shit. I believe that's what led Steffi to greatness. Yeah, I remember a lot of female tennis names.

Monica Sellis came back and won a Grand Slam again, right? But she was never the same, I think. Yeah, I really fucked her. Yeah, of course. I mean, I asked him, Jesus Christ. Just know at a certain point, while you're serving or hitting really a tennis ball, there is a chance, because it's happened before,

someone will stab you in the back. Tennis is one of the most dangerous jobs in America. Yeah. Now, just focus on playing Monica. You don't have to, you're freaking out, like holding a knife loosely. Well, Patrick Rafter got clubbed before the pilot pen. And then he went to a club.

Where's the movie about Monica Sellis? It's not an entire Tanya Harding movie the other day. And that was about a knee, a knee hitting. Yeah, just a knee. Yeah, this girl got stabbed during a match. Wait, it was during a match? Yeah, it was during a match. The guy, I think it was a chair.

I thought it was in the locker room. Jesus Christ. No, the guy jumped over the brigade and went up to her in between games and stabbed her in the back. Like, security didn't do anything. And then I think the guy was let out of jail early because they're too lenient on their mental health law.

Like, you know what I'm saying? Oh, no, he's mentally ill, so let him not be in prison. And so he barely served jail time and everything. That's insane. Yeah. I guess what I've learned from that is you can stab a tennis player and it's not that big a deal. So if you ever want to, go for it.

Your life will be fine. Look out, Andre Agassi. Yeah. Wow, maybe you are not giving advice. Yeah, no, I'm pretty bad. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back. We'll answer some more questions with Jake and Jake and me.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere

and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message

that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right?

And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation,

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but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelphelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. We were talking during the break about something and then I cut you off and I said,

oh, we should record this story. Yeah, we should. It's gold. We're talking about Tonya Harding. Tonya Harding. And then 94. How 94 was a super crazy year? I was born in 83.

So I guess I was 10 or 11 at that time. That was OJ and everything. But also I'm from New York. I'm a Nixon Rangers fan. And they were both in the finals around when that happened. They were both playing that day. Yes, both playing that day. There's a 30 for 30 called June 17th, 1994.

That's super incredible about all the things that happened June 17th. My birthday is June 18th. And I remember for my birthday, we celebrated on the 17th that year. And the way we celebrated it was by a few of my friends and I got to go see the movie Speed in theaters. Oh, shit.

And that's when it came out. It's a great movie. I went and saw it. And if you remember, it's a chase on the 405. Wow. Which I then came home. And watched the Knicks game, which was interrupted by OJ on the 405.

Damn. So that was like a very like, is this for me, this documentary? And it was a very like intense experience. And then I grew up to drive on the 405. So yeah, yeah, damn. It was pretty, it was really, really bizarre. Full circle.

A lot of 405, yeah. I was at a friend's birthday party who was born on June 19th. Oh. And it was like a three on three basketball tournament birthday party. Oh, that's fun. And then eventually all the adults were just in the house

watching the OJ chase. And then all the kids were watching the OJ chase. That was a weird time because that like, what was weird about that was that you didn't really know, like it was a bit like a lot of people, people were murdered, but it was really fun. It was like the first time I understood that no one really cares if people get murdered.

It's more just about the fun of talking about it. Yeah. That's very true. Yeah. It's like no one cares. And they were stabbed, which brings us back to Monica's cell. They were stabbed.

A lot of knife stuff back in the day. It's all because your fucking Instagram account. No wonder you have it that way. I just, someone's going to stab me and I just hope they take a photo and they, with my phone and they post it and that's how everyone knows I died. Then I'd be fine with it.

It'll get a lot of likes. It'll be on Jezebel. Why Jezebel? I don't know. I've decided. I want it to be on Jezebel and nothing else. All right. You want to, oh, actually we never asked you specifically

about what your show was about. Okay. Yeah. Tell us about the show. Because Jake and I saw a few episodes and they're so good. I think I watched episode two, The PowerPoint. Yes.

And how would you, I remember describing it to you as American Psycho meets Dilbert. Yeah. I was saying it's kind of like American Psycho meets Office Space or Dilbert. So there's like the banality of working in an office and then there's the really sort of crazy, sort of dark, cold cinematic part of it,

which you try to cross those things. It's on Comedy Central. I'll just say this bullshit. On January 17th at 10pm, you can also stream the first episodes now on cc.com. Basically the show is a dark look at office life because I think most shows about an office, like The Office or Parks and Rec or whatever,

are good shows. They're really funny, but they always portray the office as like this goofy experience with like a silly boss. But every time I've had a job that wasn't exactly what I wanted to do or even doing what I wanted to do, I wanted to kill myself at that job because it's a job and every job is a nightmare.

And the dream is to not have a job. And I think that's how most people feel. And I think that beyond the obvious pain of knowing that, it is funny that we were like in our dad's balls and then miraculously made it to the egg. Then we made it to full term. We grew up, didn't die. And before that, we were in the woods,

running around and now we're in these clothes, like these really tight clothes that are cost too much money. We sit uncomfortably in chairs typing stuff to make money for people that are so much richer than us. And I think that's such a funny existential thing about life. And I think a lot of people feel it, like you get this one chance at life,

you know that life doesn't matter at all. And you just know that, right? It doesn't mean anything. That's a poor guy. Yeah, you spend it all in an office for no reason, but you also don't know what else to do. God damn, this is making me want to quit doing this. No, I know, but also that is funny.

So I think that's kind of what the show's about. So it's like there's this banal sort of... One of the episodes is called The Pain of Being Alive. The Pain of Being Alive, our point of death. I love that so much. Yeah, and I think the idea that the best thing you can do with the pain of everyday existence is just sort of laugh about it.

And it is a funny show. It's just about how everyone's so sad, even though we are living the dream and life is amazing in America for a lot of people, but all of us are unhappy and we don't have another option. So that's kind of what the show's about. We should be a lot happier, basically. So much happier, but we don't...

I think we have too much happiness that happiness doesn't make us happy. You know what I mean? It's like the things we have are so incredible. Like we don't really have that much pain, like in our... We can get medicine for everything. So now it's like, what do I want? The problem is that everybody can get that stuff,

so you don't feel special. Right, yeah. Like it has to be... Amir has the same shoes as I do. So how can I be happy about my shoes? Exactly. I'm like, if your feet got chopped off, then I'd be happy. You have the name Jake and I'm jealous, you know?

And I have that. What happened to the... Everything was going well for me before. Yeah. And so I think that that's why the... It's a more, I think, honest look at what it's like to have a job. But it's also funny and cool,

and I think people will like it. And Lance Reddick is in it. Lance Reddick from The Wire, obviously. I believe it will. Adam Lustick. Adam Lustick. Our two favorite actors. Adam Lustick and Lance Reddick.

Yeah. It really... It's always been fun for me to see Lance Reddick do things in... Do comedy. He's so incredible at it. He's so incredible. I always felt like comedy... I like a lot of comedy that's silly like airplane,

but what I love about airplane is they take it... It's a drama that is giving them the silliest words to say. And I always think that drama is so funny because life is not that intense moment to moment, but a drama is so intense. And so if you have them just say the craziest shit, but they're like staring at you and not blinking, that makes me laugh, you know?

Just give really good actors dumb shit to say. Not to give too much away, but the episode that I saw, there's a part where Lance Reddick is just saying font names. Yes. Like working out a PowerPoint. He's like, Helvetica Nu. Yeah.

No, damn it. It's the best. Like I think it's... If you can get people who trained at Julliard and Yale to read the phone book, that is actually what I want to watch. Yeah. Like I want to watch the dumbest stuff taken

in the most serious, intense way possible. There was a New York Times video that was like all these amazing actors reading the lines to One Dance by Drake. That was just... It's super funny. Adam's also like a Shakespearean act. He is.

Yeah, he's a mate. I mean, Adam also, I've said this several times, but I'm so glad that he hasn't been that successful yet because we get to use him for not that much money. Like he's so talented, he's so funny, and he has unfortunately suffered for him. But for me, we get to have him and use him and pretend that we broke him.

And it's great. And then he'll owe it to you. Oh, I can't wait. Yeah. And he will really feel that. Like Adam will definitely feel guilty and like so beholden, and I love that. And I will lord it over him.

Oh, for sure. Oh, will I lord. Yeah. So the plan is 10 episodes for season one. 10 episodes for season one. Once a week. Yeah, there's going to be two on the... They're going to play the first two episodes

on January 17th, but then there'll be one a week for the next eight episodes. And I think I guess they'll be online after they premiere or something. That's the real thing. It's all about that cultural cachet. It really... It's weird.

It's not... It is about viewers, but it's more about how many people are tweeting about it. Yes. It's not weird. Like executives are like refreshing Twitter. Be like, Johnny Q. Asshole is deciding the fate of this show.

Absolutely. And if you read eight good tweets in a row, then the show will get renewed. It's so bizarre. It really is it. And also, even if people don't like the show, but they're tweeting about it a lot, that's great. Trending.

Yeah. Trending. Any sort of conversation. So like it or hate it, let's just all talk about it. Just talk about it. Please, I'm begging you to talk. Yeah, absolutely. I remember tweeting once.

I'm like, how did Seinfeld get such good ratings if Jerry never even was around to live tweet the show? It's so weird. Like that's the only way shows succeed now is like, I'm live tweeting the show. Watch the show with me. I'm going to tweet while it's happening. What a weird, weird time.

Anyway, are you going to live tweet the premiere? Yeah, I have to. Yeah. Contractually, I have to. So yeah, I'll be live tweeting the premiere. Better believe. The stupid hashtags, all of it. Oh, yeah.

Like it won't be funny and I'll definitely do it. Yeah. A lot of knife pictures everywhere. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm excited to see what people think. Me too. We loved it a lot and it's hard to do something original and it really, it looks original.

Yeah, thank you very much. It's not like anything that's been done before. We tried to make it look good because, you know, the things that I like are like Cohen Brothers movies or David Fincher movies. Yes, it looks like Fight Club or something. Yeah, it's like kind of trying to be like a Fight Club if the guys were too lazy to start a Fight Club.

You know what I mean? It's like, I don't want to get hit in the face, but I am sad. So let's talk about that. I want to feel something. We tried to make it look like that because I just, I don't know, I love that shit. Yeah, that's right.

Does anybody ever laugh on the show? No. Well, actually, yes. I saw people were laughing about war. About war. Yeah, they're laughing about killing people. So like, it's like, because I think we're trying to make a satire and so they're only laughing about death

and destruction. They're not laughing about how funny their lives are. They're very serious. I like the tagline of I think we're trying to make a satire. Yeah, I think, I don't know. It's hard to say you're making a satire because you're like, I'm smart. And I know society, but that's what we're trying to do.

All right, let's try to answer a few more questions. We need another man's name. Lance Reddick. I like that. Nice. See a nice guy. IRL. So nice.

He's the opposite of every character he plays. He's a sweet, sweet man. What is he eating for lunch? Because he's just jacked. He's so chiseled. Ripped. Have you ever seen him like eat a donut? No, he eats protein.

Yeah, and he works out. A lot. And I don't, I'll never look that good. And it's so exciting. Yeah, he just looks amazing. All right. So Lance Reddick writes, I'm a 23-year-old dude from Texas and I found myself in quite a sticky situation.

So about three months ago, I went out to some bars with some friends to have some drinks and get our dance on. While we were on the dance floor, I saw out of the corner of my eye my friend very sneakily poke a girl that was near me on the dance floor several times. I being drunk at the time just thought of, this was his way of trying to get me to talk to the girl or dance with her.

But what actually happened was that he was grabbing their butts. Later on in the night, one of my friends, one of my friends says we have to leave the bar because my friend got kicked out for grabbing girls' butts. What makes it even more fucked is that my friend has a girlfriend that was there with us at the bar and she's also a very good friend of mine. So I go to the bathroom before we leave the bar

and I'm freaking out that there's like a big drama fight happening outside between my friend and his girlfriend. So I had the drunk idea that I'd be some kind of fucking hero and take a bullet for my friend and say that it was me who touched the girl's butts. I thought it would just blow over quickly and guess what, it hasn't. Several of my friends were mad at me and were lecturing me and turned this into this whole thing.

Now three months later, I'm hearing that other friends of mine don't want to hang out with me and think I'm a bad person because of this whole butt grabbing fiasco. I feel like at this point, the lie has gone on for too long that if the truth comes out, it'll be terrible for everyone. I really don't want to be, I really don't want my two friends to break up because of it and it would be a very sad and emotional thing if that happened.

But I'm not really liking being painted in this villainous ass pervert way. What should I do now? Love, lanseretic. Did you follow that? I mean, yeah, I did. I have a lot of feelings about it. First of all, one option is to just join the alt-right

because I feel like they will accept you. But actually, this sort of happened to me when I was younger. When I was younger, I lived in New York. I went to a show at Roseland Ballroom when I was 13 or something with some friends. I had one particular friend who was an asshole and I was standing a few feet in back of him and there was sort of like a mosh pit or people were dancing

and my friend goes, watch this, and I didn't know what he was going to do. There was a young woman standing in front of us, like five feet in front of us, and he went up and grabbed her ass, which I was immediately horrified by, and then she turned left and he happened to turn right so she didn't see him.

He got away with it. And then she looked directly at me, assumed it was me, and I was just like, what is happening? She walked up to me, cracked me in the jaw with my right hand. I was like, what the fuck? And then with her left hand, she smacked me in the other cheek and then just went back to partying.

And then a bunch of guys who hadn't seen what happened assumed I did it and were like, what did you fucking do? And I had to leave the concert and I was like, what was weird about it was I didn't do it. I thought it was horrifying, but she was right to hit someone. So I felt like she needed to do that for her, but I had to take the blame.

And I was so mad at my friend. I'm still mad about it, I guess. I think you should absolutely tell on this person. This is a bad person. And that woman, even though it will be fucked up, you don't want to be that guy's friend and that woman needs to know. I mean, I just think, yeah.

He's miscategorizing himself as a hero as the guy who is shielding the pervert. He's like, I'm doing a heroic thing by making sure this perverted asshole doesn't get in trouble. Yeah, this guy, I mean, this isn't even fun. It's just like, yeah, definitely tell her what happened so she isn't with a bad man. He like took a bullet for Trump.

Yeah, exactly. I guess the question is- And I want to pass it forward. But this is like, so he's right that he should not be shouldering the blame for this and also feeling all of the fallout, which is rightful to be happening to his, it should be rightfully be happening to his friend, not him.

But it is weird. I mean, it's been months, he said. Yeah, three months. So no one's going to believe him. Yeah. Like, that's the weird- So by the way- It actually wasn't me.

It was my fucking friends. So you guys should hate me. I hate butts and I'm not attracted to butts and I wouldn't grab them. It's the person you love. What he should do is talk to his friend and be like, hey, this is the sky's falling, man. It's time that you come clean.

And if his friend is like, no, then- His friend is like, no, it was you. I saw it. Oh, shit. This is a horrible situation. Honestly, here's my answer. Move out of Texas. Like, that's like, there's no way

that this is going to work out for you. Move anywhere. That's what you would have said regardless of the question. Yeah, move out of Texas. Well, all you can do is go back to a bar, get your friend nice and drunk again, and be like, watch this as he- Like, to your other friends,

as he goes around and starts trying to grab people's butts. Yeah, I mean- And then you can catch him in the act. This woman is probably going to break up with this guy at some point. He sounds like a bad idiot. And they're, what, 23 years old? I mean, they're not going to stay together.

So it's sort of like, it'll probably work itself out, but yeah, I would- This is just a nightmare situation. Yeah, I would move. I would move and change your name. That works. Yeah, because if everyone's mad at you, and then you're like, you give them this huge bit of information,

like, by the way, it wasn't me, it was somebody else, I think they're going to feel so hoodwinked that they'll still be mad at you. Yeah. Like, people just don't stop being mad on a dime. No way. They'll be like, yeah, well, it's really fucked up that you-

Then why don't you cover for it? Well, this woman's not going to hear it and be like, oh, I believe that. I'm going to break up with my boyfriend, whom I love. Like, no one, who would do that? No one believes that kind of stuff. So yeah, you're just fucked. This is why you have to go-

I mean, I don't think your friend's going to do anything, but I think the only hope is getting the friend to say everything. Hey, we should stop being mad at Lance, because it was actually me. Yeah. Come clean entirely. Right.

And if that, if your friend is willing to apologize and change his ways and then, and like really throw himself on his own sword, then maybe your friends accept you. I agree. Barring that move, change your name. All right, one last question. Let's get a quickie out of the way,

because we, I think we've only answered two. It's a record. Wow. A bad record. No, I think there's been a podcast where we haven't answered any. That's true. All right, one last guy's name.

Adam Lustig. I love that. I Lustig that. Lustig writes, I live with my girlfriend of a few years, and she's often hurting herself accidentally. Perhaps a few dozen times a day she'll smash her leg or foot or elbow or hand into a corner, yelp in pain,

burn herself on the stove, or not look where she's going to walk, walk into doors and door frames, walls, and has gotten to the point where I feel myself getting annoyed at her when she hurts herself, because I genuinely don't understand how it could happen so often, and I assume that it must be getting negligent

of her safety in some way. I'm wondering if you guys have any advice or how I can help her be less clumsy or deal with her being so clumsy in the first place, while not getting annoyed, because of course it isn't her fault, and my annoyance stems from trying to understand it. Love, Adam.

Well, what I thought he was going to say, what I thought Adam was going to say, was that she has so many bruises that he was being perceived as abusive. Like, that's what I thought it was headed. What I would do is baby-proof the house. Yeah, just like all you can do is like, yeah, pretend like a two-year-old lives there

and just put a lot of stuff there, put more padding and get pillows and everything, because clearly she's the one in pain, but I could see how that's annoying. It's weird. Yeah, it is weird. Like, I felt the same way. Some of my fiance burns herself a lot on the stove,

and every time she does it, I'm like, well, don't touch the hot shit. Right, yeah. And it's weird because you're like, you don't, I feel like in a relationship, if you're a man, you're like aware that you're just supposed to like let people do stuff. I don't know what it's like to be anyone but me,

so you're just supposed to not say anything, but also you want to protect someone. Right. Yeah, put those, because I have a two-year-old niece, or about to be two-year-old niece, and there's baby-proofing all over my sister's place, and it's great. And I know sharp edges.

Yeah, just do that. Or just put like... You're solving, you're like solving the wrong problem. I'm solving the wrong problem. Well, yeah, what do you do? Because it's annoying him. Yeah. I think it's fine that, I think it's okay that it annoys him,

especially if she's yelping in pain a lot. This is like how sometimes people get mad at people for getting sick. Yeah. It's like you have a cold again, or it's like, I'm sorry, I don't know. I think this is like a Munchausen syndrome thing. I think this guy, no, that's actually really dark.

What's Munchausen? Munchausen syndrome is when, well, there's several, did you see mommy dead and dearest, the HBO doc? No. It's an incredible documentary. And basically it's about how this mother raised a really sick child that was like epically sick and was sort of got a little famous for having the sickest child.

And then they later, it turned out, the mother was causing the sickness. So Munchausen, I believe, and I could be wrong, and I'm sure people listening will tell me I'm wrong. Munchausen is when you pretend you're sick, but there's a certain type of Munchausen where you're making someone else sick because you want them to need you. This is what Eminem said that his mom did to him,

victims of Munchausen syndrome. My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't. Yes. And also in the sixth sense, remember that girl that is throwing up under the bed? Yes. Wasn't that, didn't she grow up to be in the ocean? Yeah.

Correct. Yeah. Me sure. Very good. Yeah, I honestly don't know what to do. Put pillows everywhere, put like those sort of soft plastic edges everywhere. Munchausen, or some version of it, I feel like you're onto something because I do know, I've known people that pretend to be dumber than they are

so that their boyfriends or girlfriends will take care of them. And at the same time, I've also known guys and girls to treat their significant others like they're dumber than they are because they like being a father figure or something. Yeah. Yeah, there's something fucked up going on here. I think that Adam, I think Adam needs to be the hero here more than he wants to admit. And I think he should just enjoy being the only person who can pacify her pain.

I think just lean into it, let her be her and enjoy the weird fucked up relationship. I just saw Phantom Thread, did you guys see it? Yeah. It's kind of about this a little bit. And love is strange and sometimes you need people because you just need them even though you're fucked up. So I don't know if there's a chance that she's hurting herself. I think this is their dynamic.

I think he gets off on being like, stop hurting yourself. And she's like, I can't. Or if he doesn't get off on it, then he needs to start. He needs to start coming when hearing the yelping. That's what I think would help everything. Stop coming or start coming. Start coming. Do you even need to stop?

Start coming and start getting real. I don't know, this is terrible advice. Start just being into whatever she's doing because love is hard to find. So whenever you stub your toe, you're like, oh, yeah. Yeah. And then I'll probably get her to stop. Like, this is weird and I'd rather have a more normal relationship. Right.

So rather than be like, oh, babe, why'd you stub your toe again? You're like, yes, keep stubbing. Stub your other toe. Get too into it so it annoys her. So she starts being really like a dwat at everything she does. Now we're playing the game. I wonder why people are clumsy and what doctor do you see if you're clumsy? Yeah, what is that?

Is it just like being so careless or you're preoccupied or you're constantly thinking about other stuff or coordination or depth or spatial awareness? It's just your brain's weird, right? You have a bad brain. Like you don't give a fuck. One, you don't think about. Right. What are you thinking about?

Like what are like, what is there to, I'm... It must be brain stuff because you're like, your brain's not communicating to the rest of your body. Yeah. Or you have bad eyesight or something or spatial awareness or... Some sort of combination of all this. Your girlfriend seems pretty fucked up. So yeah, I don't know.

Move out of Texas. Yeah, I don't know. Move out of Texas. Get the fuck out of Texas. Yeah. All right, cool. Thank you. That was fun.

It was fun. We did it. Great time. One more time, the show. Show's called Corporate. Premieres on Comedy Central January 17th at 10 p.m. And you can watch the first four episodes right now on cc.com. Talk about...

Oh, you can watch them right now? The first four you can watch for free on cc.com before the premiere. What's the rationale there? They're just like, fuck it? I think so. I think now there's so much to watch on cable TV that they just want people to... They're just trying to find any niche audience any way they can. So to get people talking about it and excited,

but honestly, I don't know and I don't understand anything. So all I know is you can watch them for free right now on cc.com. That seems to be a big decision someone make. Yes, it is. Some head honcho much richer than me made that decision. Yeah, whatever, fine. The first month, it's already online now. Yeah, so the premiere isn't really a premiere.

But if you watch the premiere and you like it, you can go watch the next three episodes immediately. Exactly. All right. And if you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, remember the opening from 37 over. Send it all to ifiroshowatgmail.com. This closing one is written by Trevor Frailey.

Trevorfrailey.com. Cool last name. It's his illustration page. It's a Sean Paul-like glue cover. So hopefully you guys like that. We'll be back next week. Maybe we should get another Jake. You got any other?

Who's your Jake? Sort of maxed out here. Yeah, there's Jake Fogleness is another Jake. All right, let's bring it in. Awesome. Thanks. We'll be back next week. Bye.

I know you probably have weird ass dates. You like a girl, but you're not smooth. Jake in a mirror had things to say. So listen to if I were you. A podcast run by two cool dudes. But don't forget they're also Jews. And on this show they'll share their views. And I'll do help you.

Now Jake is a cool and he gets all the women, women. And Amir is also on a podcast. Jake's wife's on Tinder and a pussy. He be swimming, swimming in. But I'm not sure if Amir is or isn't. It's sometimes I guess or not is cool. But sometimes I give good advice, but cruel. They don't always have to be nice to you.

But at least you won't look like twice the fool. I know you probably have weird ass dates. You like a girl, but you're not smooth. Jake in a mirror had things to say. So listen to if I were you. A podcast run by two cool dudes. But don't forget they're also Jews. And on this show they'll share their views.

Listen to if I were you. That was a headgum podcast.