If I Were You - 31: Texting Casanova

Episode Date: October 24, 2013

In this episode we discuss texting, pornography, and ugly feet.This BONUS Thursday episode is made possible thanks to LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I got a problem, I don't know what to do I'm here to take an help, get me through You can trust in these boys They're tried and they're true If I were you Oh, if I were you If I were you The name of the show

Is if I were you Very soothing, very catchy The perfect song I'll give it a B minus But that's the highest I've ever scored one That was a sunny day A really sunny day with the top down and shit You're just rolling on E

No, no, no, you're rolling on dubs or something You're rolling down the 101 On wheels You're left, mountains to your right And you just pop to Molly You're high on life High on life and Molly No, you're just having a good wholesome sober time

Because you don't need drugs Because you know what, the earth is so beautiful That it sort of raises your spirits without any external Spirits raise, spirits raise And I'd like my serotonin dumped That's what I want All my happy juice in my body at once The car is reaching the speed limit

I'm reaching my speed limit Four ounces of snorted whatever the hell speed is Speed weed and I've got the need to I've got a weed limit And it's 55 I don't know how kids measure weed these days Oh no, you sure don't I really do have a nickel sack

If you needed to buy a weed What would you say to a drug dealer? I would say, hey I have one weed Well, I would never talk to a drug dealer One weed, please I would talk to you I would use a middleman, a liaison

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know the link Yo, son, what up, what up? One weed, please To go is fine, actually How's it going, boss? You got a weed? Well, I really want a weed, a single weed And I'd put it in a doobie or a joint or something I'd love to get high with you once, sir

Can I have a pot, brownie? I want to be one level of high with you Master Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast show On the internet, hosted by us I'm Amir And I'm Jake And I'm sort of the cool wacky one that knows how to order marijuana

Yeah, and I'm the loser who for some reason Thinks it sounds weird to say order marijuana Order Order, order Order marijuana, please, actually That's why I use a gavel when I talk to drug dealers I like to order, order And they all run away because they think they're being arrested or something

So, how does it work? We get questions Oh wait, who was that song by? Who was that sunny day by? See, this is why it helps that there's two of us Yeah Because if I ever forget things, which is very rare You really do need me, huh? You need me And then for literally every other problem we have That you fuck up, I'm sort of there for you

It's kind of nice how I bail you out We meet in the middle, but that middle is so much closer to my side than yours It's borderline, not the middle But you know what, there wouldn't even be a field to play on, to beat on if I weren't here It's like being on the one yard line trying to find a middle ground No There's no need because there is just nothing without me It's like saying if I'm on the two yard line, we're in the middle of the field

We are technically in between the end zones Well, there was 98 yards, would it be a football field? Would it be? Who do I bring the field? It wouldn't, but nobody would notice Cheers Salute Cheers

Salute Absolutely That guy was Jeff Enzos, was the guy who made it It sounded like a foster the people, is that the band? Yeah All the little kids with the pumped up kicks better run, better run Seize the cheese in buckets I'm so sorry

Seize the cheese in buckets or seize the cheese in buckets What's funnier? They're both disgusting I guess seizing the cheese in buckets maybe is funnier to me Someone's stealing buckets of cheese But also stealing cheese and jerking off into it or something is pretty funny Why jerking off into it? Seize the cheese in buckets

Or I guess you just roll it up and stick your penis in it Well, I would use Swiss cheese and just plug through one of the holes or something Oh, and I would use like a big bucket of cheese whiz Or nacho, oh warm nacho Cheese whiz, well here's some cheese jizz So people email us, they found themselves in a difficult place in their lives And they're so desperate and needy of advice that they actually email a podcast Hoping to God that we actually answer and ridicule them on this show

And you know what, 80 to 150 people a day do So we're thankful for you guys So the email if you find yourself in a tough place right now is If I were you show at gmail.com If I were you show at gmail.com If I were you show If I were you show If I were you show

At gmail.com, huh? If I were you show If I were you show If I were you show At gmail.com If I were you, I wouldn't grow I would tell you mail to if I were you show I would go as

The beatbox is just me laughing like a girl Is that like someone's sort of tickling you? Yeah, did I forget to mention anything? We try to get through you know four to five questions every episode So let's get this party started and right Let's get it start. Oh my god, there's a carbon monoxide leak Yeah, we're dead That's why that's why we're all like this I think

That explains it All right, so let's get to the first email It's from a person we'll call Shaggy Shaggy Shaggy writes Hey dudes Oh, that's a fake name. We're giving them fake names to preserve their identity

This guy thankfully has a name Shaggy Yeah, yeah, but it but this is a real email verbatim Here we go one time. Hey guys So I've been texting this cheerleader for two days now When we met first in person she was really interesting And I like to think of myself as a pretty charming dude And it's pretty obvious she likes me But now I text her and it's freaking 80-20 on the ratio

Yeah, I had put so much and she contributes nothing I ask questions, respond wholesomely And she smacks her head to the phone for a single sentence and sends that shit Do you think she's bored of me already? Or maybe that's just how she texts people Thanks Shaggy Hmm, yeah, I think that's just how she texts Yeah, well it can't be you

Obviously not, she was really into him two days ago I know he likes to think of himself as charming Pretty obvious, she likes me I think many people like to think of themselves as charming I like to think of myself as attractive and handsome, charming and irresistible I don't think of myself as tall, rich and devilishly handsome And I can get anyone I want, that doesn't mean it's true I like to think if I'm not sucking in my stomach too much

It still looks like abs, like I'm fit and cut or something I think I have abs, I think I'm jacked Without exercising, I really think that I like to feel that I am And sometimes I'll see someone who's really good at something Like, oh that guy's great at basketball Oh man, you know what, I'm not good at basketball But I bet if I practice a little more, I'd be better than him I like to think of myself as talented at things

This is how horoscopes work They just give you sort of good news It's like, oh yeah, you're a Leo, that means you're a born leader And you're like, yeah, yeah I am I believe in astrology now, because I'm a leader Would a leader not believe in something more powerful than himself? I think that would be a little weak of the leader Sagittarius is caring, like absolutely I'm caring

Of course I'm a Sagittarius, I don't know if either of those things are like What they say about those specific signs, but Thus, it's real I would say, I also like that he tried to add, like slip in Like, I met this cheerleader two days ago That's the kind of shit I'm playing with, but like Cut to end of email, she's ignoring you By the way, it's only been two days, so this is the real her

It's not like she was one thing and now it's separate Like, after two days, that's not a lot of time for you to think It's pretty obvious she likes me, but now And he's also insulting, like smacks her head to the phone and produces dribble If anything, I applaud her for like, for putting up with you this long Anyone else would have just deleted your number So, do you think she's bored of him or is that how she texts people? Of course she's bored of him

But I think you did it You're like sending long messages asking questions She's probably just like, this dude's texting me too much Well, that's the thing we were talking about one day where we said You never want to text more than someone You want to let them dictate the pace But does that only work if you're a guy texting a girl Or can that also work the other way around?

I think it all, it works, it's a dance, it's a beautiful dance Then how does it ever escalate if everyone's always texting the same amount? Well, I think, you know, it's up to one person, not the guy or the girl But to be slowly ramping it up And each person, hopefully in the ideal world, is ramping it up So like, say, me and you, just met, I'm interested in you Oh, let's say it's... No, let's say you're interested in me

Let's say I meet a girl out Let's see if I finish that sentence No, absolutely I will not Let's say I'm at Tiki Disco and I meet a smoke show God damn dime A smoke show at the disco Alright? I get her number, send her a text

She waits four hours I'm going to respond, ask her a question But I'm also going to wait around three to four hours Maybe it's three and a half So you can't respond for as long as she took to text you Yeah, and I personally don't want to make my text longer than hers I think that texting for me is about just being entertaining Because texting doesn't actually mean anything

It's just be like, if you are like funny to text with If you're like an enjoyable person to text with Then that's going to keep the text game going And then hopefully one day you just see each other in real life Well, this is the one thing you're an expert at So people should really listen up I'm great at texting And you're not, you're very humble and self-deprecating

So the fact that you say that you're great at texting It really means something Right, I mean I'm terrible in person Yeah Like, my friends can go into a bar Make eyes of the girl, go out, buy her a drink, talk, go home That's happened to me so few times It has to, like I have to like work on texting

I have to be on text, I have to get a date Or like hang out at a party and then like, and then I'm good But like I can't just go from zero to conversation It's like I need to show someone that I'm, I don't know I need texting You need it I need it to get late You said, you came up with an idea once

Maybe it was for a movie, but maybe it's for a business Of a guy who starts a business Oh yeah Where you text for people Because texting is anonymous Like somebody who's bad at texting You can easily text for them and they wouldn't know Yeah, I wanted to call it phone Casanova

Or iPhone Casanova or texting Casanova Maybe Casanova Casanova, Casafona Casafona.com I did this for my brother, we were on a road trip And I, he was like talking to some girl And then it was his turn to drive For three hours, I texted her as him

And then like, and then they ended up going out I think actually Because based on that I mean, it was probably a combination of many things But the texting certainly helped And I know, so many of my friends will like Ask my advice on the text Right

Because you're sort of the self-proclaimed king of texts I've had girls, oh my god this is Now I'm like really bragging But I've had, I've like met up with the girls And then, and then I've been like I didn't, I wasn't gonna like do this But you were like so funny on text You were so good at texting

So like this could be a legit business I really think it could Because if anybody out there wants to pay me to text for them What do you think a good rate would be? $20 an hour Jesus, that's high $20 an hour, you just said yourself You'd wait four hours

That's an $80 text message That's worth it though People, I mean how much do people pay to like Take out an escort or something Okay, here's the site we need to build People sign up And they upload their text conversations, right? Oh, that's cool

And then you go to the back end And you see what the text conversation is And you go one by one This is what you response And do it in this amount of time That'd be awesome And it texts them So let's say people are only paying you

What's it, what would someone logic Like $5 a text? That seems like it's worth it Right But if you can get 20 people to pay you $5 a text That means, and that's just one a day That's $100 That means you're making $100 a day

For 365 days That's another 36 grand in your pocket If you can get 40 people to do it That's 72 grand Wow I'd love to build out this site for you Yeah, I would love if you did actually That'd be great

And then you wake up in the morning And you see like all these text conversations And you type the responses That's it And that's like, that would be That's basically my dream job Because all I think about doing is texting Right

I love texting I like, when we record the podcast My phone is over there on the couch Because if I feel a vibrate I'll start texting I'll start ever ventilating So this guy's question is I think that she's not interested in you

I think you blew it Not necessarily with the texting Maybe you were actually a dick in person Like maybe you didn't come off as charming Maybe she's, maybe she is perfectly interesting But it sounds like If the text aren't reciprocated It's never a good sign

Yeah, no You're never interested in someone And you don't text them back Excitedly Nope Like even if you're playing Maybe she's like Is there a world where a girl is like

He's really cool I better not text him too much Or I better not respond to every text Or I better not respond to every email I think maybe, but I If it's 80-20 then We're not in that world This girl's not playing like that

Nobody's like, alright I'm gonna play it so cool That he's gonna hate me Yeah, but it works Because now he's like He is obsessed He is obsessed But I don't think anyone's that smart

Or not, people are The game is weird, but it does work Like if a girl that you really love Is ignoring you for like days and days And then she texts you You would get extra excited Versus if she had just texted you Back right away

It's true, but I think it takes So few people have that much self-control If they like someone If I like someone If I really like someone I'm not playing the game at all Immediate responses to texts Which you told me has never happened

You've never liked Last episode you said I've never liked someone I mean I've I've been interested in enough When you say like someone You just mean you really really Really really really want to have sex

With them Right, that's like you Yeah, that's That's what liking someone means When I really like someone on Tinder When I swipe right really hard I think when I'm ready to get married I'll really really really really really

Really really want to fuck up That's all I know I did once They say that about marriage Like I don't believe in love I just need to find like The hottest wife possible So I always want to fuck her

That should be the testimony On your site That would be called like iPhone Casanova In quotations Find the girl that you really really really Want to fuck for the rest of your life Oh man

If any of you Engineers, computer programmers Are willing to build out this site for us We'd love to cut you into the partnership Maybe a 10% ownership stake Or we'll pay you a fee To build your life Which is going to be with so much more

Than 10% of this website That may or may not have seen You could pay it as liquid pussy How's that for fair Or liquid cock Depending on who's out there Oh yeah, can you text for girls? Yeah I could

I text for my sisters You text for girls You text for guys Yeah I kill it And yeah I'm actually a beast in that regard Would you say it's easier for you to text Without a little pressure

Because it's like Oh I'm not really invested in this person And that loosens you up In a good way or a bad way Or not existent Like for Like let's say you're texting for Micah Your brother

I'm going to swing I'm going to swing I'm going to make like a huge move here Because like who cares I mean That's how I text for myself too Oh you do You're not afraid to like Take that big swing

I mean I guess I have been before And like also I'm sensitive when Micah's like I'll always show him the text Before I send it And they'll be like I'm like no dude you got it And they'll be like no And then I'll be like alright fine

I'll like For Micah I'll draft three different responses Oh that'll be the That'll be the iPhone Casanova Pro account Jake will give you three different options And you guys can choose one It is tougher for like girls though

Because you have to I don't know It's different You can't take the swings with that For girls it's going to be pitches Right For girls you're throwing out pitches Guys you're taking swings

Bitches are pitches And pamps are swamps Dings, wings I don't know I shouldn't have called them bitches to begin with That was a bad premise Alright let's go on to the next question But stay in the same world of iPhones

So this one is from a guy we'll call Fred Fred Hey guys About three weeks ago I let my friend borrow My brand new iPhone 5 over the weekend It's a long story why I did it But let's just continue

The Monday after the weekend He was supposed to bring it back When I asked him about it He just smiled nervously and said Yeah about that and laughed So it's been three weeks since he lost it And he hasn't told me he's going to get a new one Or give me money for a new one

Also I fucked his sister about two months ago Should I tell him that if he doesn't pay me back Thanks guys Where do you guys live? I don't know what part of the world this happens in Where someone can borrow No one's borrowing my phone for an hour Let alone two days

Let alone three weeks My phone is like two feet away on the couch right now And that's the farthest I've ever been from in my life Yeah if someone loses your phone after three weeks You don't just say yeah about that And that's the end of the conversation Like no no no not about that Give me my phone

I can't believe it's been three weeks And he still hasn't mentioned buying me a new one You haven't brought up You haven't mentioned it? You didn't mention that when he said Yeah about that and he laughed Did you guys change the subject? What's your Facebook status right now?

Hey he's still without phone Brad still has it I hope he tells me sooner I'm gonna drop a bombshell on him Maybe he knows that you fucked his sister by the way Cause maybe that's why he wanted the phone in the first place And he's just never gonna give it back That way you can't fuck his sister

Also like your big defense mechanism Against this whole thing is to tell him that you fucked his sister In which case you'll never get a phone No his plan is to go I fucked your sister and then the guy goes Nooo And then he explodes And then in that room is where the iPhone is

Wow Yeah like the iPhone is somewhere on his person Oh like inside his body Yeah He's stuck it in his ass And then when he explodes Fred will just find it amongst his remains Yeah he'll like

He'll rummage through his small intestines And find his iPhone That makes no sense This guy is like Yeah borrow it And Like now he doesn't give it back He's like shit man

I'm like just gonna stoop for three weeks I really think I'm pissed at him or something Why? I don't know Get a new phone and bill him or something I just I really like this question I'm not quite sure what the best way to answer it is

Uh Yeah if Demand your phone back Yeah I wouldn't say like This is the type of thing that like ruins a friendship right If he doesn't make it If your friend doesn't make it right You don't be friends with him anymore

Uh you mean Oh like he shouldn't tell him that he fucked his sister two months ago Or know what you can And then just be like Yeah we're at like Say I wouldn't give him an ultimatum And just be like Hey man you honestly like

You lost my phone You have a week to get Get me a new phone And if not then like I'm gonna wait I really think I'm gonna wait another week or two If you don't get me a phone within a week Then we're done

I'm not your friend I'm gonna like I don't know tell your mom This is like that kind of thing Where like If you have a friend who's a big enough of an asshole He just won't do stuff Like

If you call shotgun And then a guy steals it And he's like It's a joke if he steals it Then it's like it gets annoying If he's like No I'm actually not gonna get out of shotgun Like I'm just gonna sit here and do that

And like The rules uh technically apply But like what are you gonna do Yeah like I guess I'm not gonna do anything about it I'm just gonna slowly not like you anymore Yeah but anything that is like How the world writes itself

Like this guy's an asshole Lost your phone telling me He's got a week and If he doesn't Tell him that you fucked his sister And then you guys won't be friends And then if this happens to him Enough times

He won't have any friends And he'll finally have what he deserves Which is no friends And the knowledge that his friends Fucked his sister Every single one of his friends Probably fucked his sister I would say

Yeah you should say I fucked your sister And if you don't get me a phone By the end of the week I'm gonna do it again I swear And I'm gonna tell other people That it was good

And that she's easy And then everyone we know Is gonna be trying to fuck your sister Good I hope they do My sister needs the dicking The deep dicking actually That's why I stole your phone to begin with It was all part of my elaborate ruse

I'm getting my sister laid Wow you're the nicest brother ever The meanest friend but the nicest brother Alright let's go to the next question We gave this guy what we could Alright Let's go from This is like an episode based on

Your areas of expertise I said texting was your expertise But this question is about porn Oh yeah I like porn Yeah so here we go I know it I actually really like porn I actually like porn so much

It gets me a boner sometimes Yeah It really gets me I sexually like it I think I like it cause I like girls And in porn you see girls Not only just You know being pretty

But actually naked Sometimes doing some pretty compromising things You know when you're watching a movie And you're like that girl's hot But I can't really imagine her Really well without her clothes So in porn you only have to let that Imagination run wild for about 30 seconds

Before the boobs and the vege come out And she's just doing something pretty Pretty bad Pretty nasty Yeah yeah Most of the time I like it I really do

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Just use that offer code If I were you To save 10% Off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace So here's this guy's problem Let's call him Scooby-Doo Scooby Scooby-Doo

You do, you do, you Scooby-Doo If I were you There's a theme song By the way We are still accepting Theme song submissions We're trying to do two in episode

They're still coming in strong So please Email it to If I were you Show at gmail.com Damn right This guy emailed us in And he said

Hey guys I was talking to my girlfriend Yesterday And the subject was somehow Changed from food To porn She asked me If I watch a lot of porn

And I obviously said No, I have you So I don't really need To watch porn Despite the fact That I actually watch Quite a lot of porn I'm just a guy after all

So that's one bullet dodged And she seemed to like That answer She also asked me If I had a favorite porn star And I didn't really think About it And I just instinctively said

Christina Rose Parenthesis Jake knows What I'm talking about I do My girlfriend immediately Started googling her On her phone

Then gave me shit About Christina's looks What she's done in porn And what she's famous for Anal Amongst other things So now she's pissed off at me Thinking that I don't like

Her body Because it's different From the porn star And thinking that I want Her to do the same stuff That Christina does I tried to explain to her That this is not the case at all

And just because I occasionally like watching stuff Like that Doesn't mean I want to try it myself I also told her That she's way hotter than Christina But in a different and better way Despite all of this

She's still mad at me And now she's withholding sex How do I make this right? I think I need An excuse All on Jake for this one Thanks Oh no

Withholding sex is so funny This is such a classic fight You should just be like Alright fine You know what? I don't even care We don't have to have sex Because I'm just going to jerk off

It's very ironic That she's like You just want to fuck this girl Don't you? She's like No no no I want to fuck you She's like

Well now you can't fuck me So what are you going to do? It's like I guess I'm going to jerk it to the girl That you're mad at me About jerking it too Yeah You should just be like

It's okay I don't need to fuck Christina Rose I fuck you and imagine You're Christina Rose All the time It's the same thing Yeah

You're like Have you ever pictured someone While you were having sex? That's a good question Have you ever imagined someone else? If I have Then I haven't Like

I haven't enough times For me to answer that yes Unequivocally And you What percentage of the time Are you thinking about someone else? It depends I guess not a lot

But I've definitely done it A hundred percent I don't have sex enough For it For me to have to find Weird kinky ways To make it extra exciting Right

For me Actually having sex is exciting You have like a long-term girlfriend Yeah Like a lot of older couples will do that And I've done that When I was in like Long relationships

Yeah A way to Mentally spice things up If it's like the first time I'm having sex with someone Of course not Most times I'm having sex With someone

It's the first time That's a good question What percentage of ladies That you've had sex with Have you only had sex with once? Once like As in like One time

Or once as in like That night The morning Yeah One day Like 24 hour period Yeah Yeah I don't know

Probably pretty high Over half I wouldn't say over half Maybe actually Yeah Sure You're a loser What?

Christina Rose Christina Rose What's her deal? She has a big ass She takes it in the ass She's sort of short And she looks Latina Though I don't think she is

I think it's brown paint Or something No she's I Oh wait We met Christina Rose What? We met We hung out with her in LA

Really? Yeah When? When we were there For that like Ford Event thing That we hosted

Oh wow Yeah I had sex With Christina Rose I didn't think she's 69 Or something I was You stuck it in her butt

You dog Holy shit This guy's girlfriend It is really tough Cause like porn is so Everyone does it And nobody Or everyone watches it

Everybody jerks off Everybody masturbates And no one talks about it But when you do It is uncomfortable Right Cause like I fully accept that

Any girlfriend I ever have Will probably masturbate And like If she masturbates She probably does it Not thinking about you Not thinking about me Yeah

But like If she's If I ask her If I say like She's like No I'd be like I'm really pissed

Like this is where White lies come in You fucked up You shouldn't have said You liked Christina Rose You should say I don't have a favorite porn star I just like

I don't even I don't watch enough porn You did it right With your first answer You lied Now you told the slight truth And she And the girlfriend

Was not having it You need There's no quick fix You need to slowly Start talking about How ugly Christina Rose is How much you Can't get off to her

And how anal sex And hopefully though Eventually You can turn this into a good thing By being like It's I don't know Your girlfriend

Will do things That you want to do in bed Because now she's like Thinking about How she wants to be more Christina Rose-esque for you Which isn't like I feel like that sounds

Like mean and manipulative But it's not It's like a beautiful thing If you're Going about it In a wholesome nice way That's like Giving her no pressure

But she sort of like Wants to do something for you Well let's try to put ourselves In the mind of the girl She's offended that a guy Is looking at another girl Okay that's fine As a guy

Where like Don't worry it's not really That big of a deal But a girl can't Like it's hard to put yourself In that mindset of a guy Right When you're the lady

So I don't Fault her for being mad But what is her plan now To withhold sex forever Yeah until she turns Into Christina Rose I don't know what she I don't know what she's trying

To get from withholding sex I think you I guess it's just like An apology Yeah if you If you just Offer a full apology And say you're sorry

Say that you're She's the most attractive Person in the world And I think it's going to Piss her off if you say Christina Rose is attractive In a different way I would stop that

Nobody wants to hear that Like am I Is that girl hotter than me No no no she's just different But it is like I've had girlfriends who are like I want to watch porn That you like

And I've showed them And it's like And everybody is like That's I mean that's disgusting That's not me But it's true Porn isn't how people have sex It's an exaggeration

An embellishment Yeah it's a weird exotic fantasy Nobody expects to have sex Like they are in porn videos But it's like It's like you watch movies And you don't want your You don't want your friends

To act like the guys From the hangover Right Although I would like For you to be Bradley Cooper a little more I think he's better looking than you Wow

And not just in a different way Just full on Better bone structure Better teeth And then you withhold friendship from me Because you're so offended by that Right I'm actually not going to give you

What I usually do in this relationship Which is what Joking around An anal Well you can hang out with Bradley freaking Cooper then Why doesn't he make you laugh Yeah I think she just needs to understand

Or people in general Need to understand that porn is not like Just because you watch a certain type of porn Doesn't mean that's what you want Out of a relationship That's sort of like some weird escape Exaggerated sex version of That you're interested in

But not necessarily wanting to partake in Yeah but that's kind of hard To like explain to someone Like if a girl is watching Like this specific type of porn Your brain would probably want to do Oh maybe I should provide that But you know maybe you could be like

I would never want you to do this stuff Because I respect you too much And it's not about like Some weird animalistic savage Getting off with you It's about being in love And like having a mutually Beneficial sexual experience

I want us to like hold each other Close and come at the same time But with Christina Rose I don't mind if someone calls her a whore And fucks her in the ass Because I hate her With you I love you So I don't want that type of sex from you

Now we're getting to good advice We have to cut through the bullshit Because she can hear that And be like oh she's doing that Out of respect for me I think Right so it's like yeah I have This release with porn But with you it's not just sex

It's a whole experience Are you writing that down dude? Shaggy? Scrappy? Shaggy? No Scooby? Scooby Are you writing that down? That's what you need to do Preferably in person But an email will do

And then sign it Christina Rose J-K-L-O-L Ha ha ha ha ha Oh Christina Rose If you're listening That night at the Ford thing Meant everything to me

That was actually a really subtle Ford paid us to mention them In one episode this year And that was an ad And that's Italy money Now we're gonna go to Italy That was 10 grand Remember that Christina Rose

At that Ford thing Like alright cool Now we can go to Italy Ha ha ha ha ha Because people listening to this podcast Are gonna be like oh I do I guess I do need a car And one that's built for tough I think

And when they're checking out At the Ford dealership They're gonna be like oh By the way did you hear about us From Jake and Amir's podcast And our fan is gonna be like holy shit I've been I've been inception'd I think

Uninception'd Uninception daydream We're almost at break time You wanna take a little breaky Yeah let's take a nice little breather here Oh jeez We got a good email From one of our sponsors saying

That our fans are very active And it makes us look good So thanks for you guys For clicking on links Even if you don't act on Purchasing something It means a lot that you're Even clicking on stuff

And that's stuff that makes clients happy And then they think we're cool Because we have like good fans Right So you guys are making us look good And then they give us money And then we can actually get a studio Where we can record or something

Yeah yeah yeah That would be cool Cause right now we're back in the Tallah Cave We really are This might be our last episode In the Tallah Cave Yes shit

That's scary that's dangerous We're moving Whoa Are you sure you wanna talk about this Wait have we not mentioned it I don't think so No Very

Very Todah actually It's actually quite Todah We're moving to California Los Angeles California Hollywood land I'm going to make it as an actor I think

I really think this is my ticket Yes We're taking a one way bus ticket To an American Idol audition We paid $200 for a headshot That we're just gonna show up And we got a script printed out We're gonna try to drop it on the doorstep

Of every agency Every studio And then if that doesn't work out We're gonna work on PAs Like production assistants on set Hey mister Mister come here mister I'm a star

You heard that movie You know how that movie was made Spielberg was at a Starbucks And some kid with gumption Walked up to him and said Hey there's a script over here I'd like you to read And Spielberg was so appalled

He's like alright I'll take a risk on you And that movie So appalled That movie was Schindler's List How about that How about that He was so appalled that he made the feature

He's so appalled that he made And won him an Oscar He won him an Oscar The girl in the red dress That girl in the red dress Which one? The scene, that movie The girl in the red dress

That was a mistake That was an error They tried to color correct the whole thing To be black and white But they couldn't get the red dress So they said fuck it Jesus Yeah

Insane You thought that was on purpose Yeah I absolutely did It wasn't a choice Yeah It wasn't a decision It wasn't a conscious decision So hopefully we'll find a place in LA

That'll let us record podcasts Bless you The other thing we should talk about on the break Is that we're going on tour Yeah So if you live in you know The DC area Philadelphia, Boston

Burlington Burlington, Vermont Ann Arbor, Chicago, Minneapolis Or Madison, Wisconsin You can watch us live Yeah come to our live show We'll hang out after the show How's that

Take pictures Jake will text someone for you I'll text you You are If you give me your number We can meet up We can get fucking drunk Jesus

I'm serious dude Ann Arbor I'm coming to rage I'm coming to rage pace Ann Arbor I'm going to rage Madison I'm going to fucking go insane

Minneapolis I might take it easy Just because that's the last leg of the tour Maybe hit up the Mall of America Yeah that's tough Maybe go to LA Plus be Burlington I'm rolling

Absolutely Boston is probably going to be an off night For me I might take it like a show No it's going to be fun So please You can go to collegehumor.com C-H on tour to check out

Where you can buy your tickets Exactly And we do hang out after the show So if you come to a show Oh yeah sorry We will hang out after the show Stick around and we'll take photos Also I wanted to mention

Because we posted about this And so many people were like Oh you're not coming to Texas You're not coming to California Or you're not coming to Canada Or whatever But we are trying to go everywhere We didn't get to choose these eight cities

We're pumped that we're going But it's not because that was like Our choice to not go to Texas Or not go to California Right And if you're from those eight cities Dude we totally chose your cities Because they're the best eight

They're the top eight I specifically chose Ann Arbor Ann Arbor would probably be one of the cities That we did specifically choose Yeah I love Ann Arbor That exact reference doesn't make sense But yeah we basically go Arlington is that the one we didn't choose?

Yeah We go to ones that our booking agent Tells us to go to So you can contact them Or a theater and tell them to bring us over And we'll go anywhere If you go to a college You can

Colleges have money to bring comedians out So if you talk to your like events council And go to our What's the best place to book us there APA APA comedy Look up APA comedy There's like

There's a collegehumor.com Slash live I think actually It gives you all the info And maybe that Maybe that doesn't exist But maybe it doesn't You should check it out

I think it does Let's get to the last question Shall we? One last Oh that's good Thank you Scrappy do writes I've been dating this great girl for two weeks now

And she's a smoke show With an awesome personality Everything was going great Until we had sex And I saw her naked She has ugly man feet That cannot be described As anything less than morbidly disgusting

Whenever I get a hearty thinking about her My mind shifts from her hot bot To her ogre feet What should I do? I feel like a complete far quad over here I'm dating Shrek Thanks Scrappy do

This is why girls have issues Is because they think that guys think this And even worse guys do Right but so few This guy is a piece of shit He does not represent us Far quad here A girl with a smoke show

With an awesome personality Ogre feet Right you have ugly everything man As far as far as what You see the evil prince He's like the evil guy in Shrek You are a complete far quad Actually

Far quad You want to be a Shrek You want to be the Shrek The hero of the movie You're dating Shrek A lovable hero And you're an evil prince I think I don't even want to call you a prince

You're just a bad person It's so rude It's so hard to find someone who's One you're at first physically attracted to And then two she has an awesome personality And what you're going to throw it away because Even after that At this point you should throw it away

Please do You don't deserve this Tell you what man keep hunting for the girl that has Every single perfect thing that you've ever wanted That'll ensure that you're going to end up alone Which I think you deserve Once you find a girl with an awesome personality That's a smoke show and perfect feet

Then you can lock her down Unless something else is weird about her Like she snores Or she breathes her mouth when she eats There's always something Alright so let's try to You know his terrible language Aside

Terrible language Aside Is there anything to You know like Sort of like Seinfeldian You know it's like Oh yeah she's Oh she's got an Audi belly button

I can't be with her Her belly button isn't Audi Right I've Been there before Where she has everything but one thing Or not even everything but one thing There's like something that you For some reason focus on

And you can't make yourself stop Even this guy shows no remorse Anytime I've done that Like there was a girl I was crazy about But for some reason I kept on picturing Her shitting

And I don't know why Well that's what you say about every girl You're like if I ever crush on someone And I want to get over her I will picture her shitting And that loses That loses all her lure to you Yeah and then that's like

Confidence that's what I need I couldn't stop after with her You just imagine a constant Ring of shit that exited her anus And went around into her mouth Like she was swallowing a hula hoop Or something The thing I would picture would be

Her sleeping over going to the bathroom Getting back in my bed And like I could smell the shit From the bathroom and I could smell it on her And I just imagined it never happened It never happened But I kept on picturing it And it was just like

It totally made me physically unattracted to her Why? I don't know I knew that I was being insane I knew that I was being an asshole And I was like this is the smallest thing in the world But like at the same time I couldn't argue with my actual feelings

Of not wanting to hang out with her You say you don't like girls You don't like picturing girls shitting You also you're not good at Sharing a meal with a girl Yeah I've done that like A handful of times in my whole life Right

And if I'm like dating a girl For a very long time I eat in front of them Like for most people it's like Meal, hanging out, kissing Eventually sex You're the exact opposite First things first

Let's bone Then if I really really really like you And things are going great I can seriously envision us Eating lunch together Yeah but even then Probably not I've had things ruined

Like I've been dating girls And then they're like They'll be like Oh I want to cook you dinner And then I would I fear that so much That I avoid them And lose touch

Oh my god And I would love to Have a woman cook for me actually I think that it's a Necessary deserved thing There's something so shameful About eating to me Where it's like

I have to admit my taste In front of someone But there's something also fun And romantic and exciting About like a cooking dinner date Yeah but then like I don't know It's just like kinda gross

You're like You eat food And I like The ironic thing is Is that you're the gross eater You're the grossest eater I know Oh yeah I don't want to Show anyone that

I'm like I'm a terrible eater I shovel food in my mouth I eat so fast You talk I mean I do this stuff too So I shouldn't even be throwing stones In this glass house But you are notoriously

Abysmal at eating food Yeah You'll take the biggest bites I can imagine Speak through it Spit Chew loudly I eat like half my food

On the way to a table Like I eat like seven French fries At a time Yeah Everything you should do About food you don't And then you project that

Onto girls that You don't want to hang out Or even that you do like I just think there's something like Sad about ordering food Where you have to like show Like It's like showing your hand

In front of a like To a waiter In front of somebody that you like Being like Oh can I have like Ketchup I don't know It makes me feel weird

It's so interesting I just admitted to someone That like I That I need to add this sauce To my food It's like so intimate And sad like I like this

It's like Tinder Where it's just like You show people like I feel horny I'm horny Like I don't know I You're so unique

I don't I don't relate to that at all And it's so funny that like You do stuff that's really Physically intimate with girls You don't know But it's like I don't want to order ketchup

Like what is that Like oh I am admitting to you That I can't eat chicken Without tomato paste Yeah That's what you're admitting That's after you

Asked to bone her In various positions That's the weird intimate thing That you should feel uncomfortable about Well I would never ask to But that's the other Like I have no people that like Ask for blow jobs or something

Like can I have a blow job That's so fucking weird You just get into bed with a girl And hope for the best Yeah And I mean Jesus I never say anything during sex I'm never like

Let's try this position Let's here Put your leg like this But you want that You just do it And then They like I mean like

I'll try to flip someone over And if they flip over Then it's great Then I'm like Okay we'll do something different And it's As long as it doesn't involve Fucking Worcestershire sauce

Or A1 sauce Or asking for anything I think asking Maybe it's just like Asking is sad Oh yeah Will you turn around No

Like okay Now what do I do You are pretty anti-asking Even in like the The general world Yeah Like if we get an email And you're like

Oh I don't understand it But like It's like uncool to follow up Like I don't know I don't We'll just get there And figure it out You always err

On the side of silence You gotta be chill Yeah yeah You're very chill Which is weird Cause I'm not chill Like overthinking Literally everything

Remember the The date you Can we talk about this I don't know Let's start talking about it The concert The concert Where you're like

I don't know if this girl Is even showing up Oh yeah But like I don't want to follow up Cause that's not cool Yeah We got to the point

Where like We didn't know What time We were meeting There was just no It's funny Because asking for details Is nerdy

But necessary Like you don't want to be The guy's like Where are we meeting When are we meeting How are you getting there It's super cool to be like Hey I'm going to this show

Come Like oh yeah I'll come Like alright Don't Then like But then it's like Uh oh

Hey The show starts at 9 I don't even want to say that I want to like You just show up At the cool hour That we all agree on And hopefully

It's at the same time Yeah So then What that leads to is situations Where like Cool Coming to the show Alright cool

Should I buy a ticket Alright I bought her a ticket Okay When am I supposed to go to the Show Is she even coming I don't even want to follow up What do I say

Hey are you coming That's so nerdy Nerdy and lame So I'll just go to the show Hope to God she comes And she didn't Sure enough She did not

But you know what At least you weren't At least you didn't ask To confirm details At the end of the night I was chill about it She doesn't know how you like Your hamburgers

Oh God Nope No one will No one ever will Except for me You're okay eating in front of friends Yeah Alright

You know exactly what's up I order all my vices In front of you Bacon, cheese, ketchup Cheese, avocado Yeah Turkey BLAT Ask for hot sauce

Game over Yes For a racha Yep I asked for the Arnold Palmer The drink that's not even On the menu I'm just comfortable

See that's the other I mean this goes back to You're my soulmate And I'll never find a woman Yeah Oh no That's what we talked about On Monday's episode

Oh yeah So this episode is coming out After we recorded Monday's episode Which is with Jake's mom So guys get excited for that It's true We talk about how

It might be easier for Jake to convince himself That he's gay And marry me Than to actually find A soulmate that's a female Yep I open up all over again

So That's our time for this episode We keep on getting longer And longer I really don't want to hit an hour What are we at right now? Um Like 50-ish

God damn it Once we get to the hour Then it's like Oh when we do 45 People are disappointed Yeah They should Yeah

We want people to be happy That we want this long Not disappointed that we want this short Yep So Thanks so much for listening Everyone Thanks for emailing us

And keep those emails coming That email again Is if I were you Show at gmail.com And thanks to XO Bender Joshua Thomas the iPhone addict

The fifth playmaker And Chinese Thunder For leaving A good review on our Chinese Thunder Especially And shit That's awesome

For leaving a good review On our iTunes Podcast page You guys can listen to the show At ifirou.com Or seizethecheese.com But you can also listen On iTunes

You know You can listen to it On your phone on the go A lot of people don't know that They listen to it On their computer Podcast app Podcast app

And then search If I were you Yeah And then you can listen to it While traveling While walking While riding On a motorcycle

On a roller coaster Anything where you're not On the computer Just four hours later Making a smoothie My throat is parched Shopping for clothes Shopping for food

And lastly Arranging a funeral I was gonna say Arranging a funeral Really? Yeah Crazy I will marry you

Thank you That first theme song Was from a guy named Jeff Enzor Is his name And this last one Is from a guy named If you can beat them

We'd love to hear it So send those in as well Uh yeah Thanks for listening everyone Thanks That was our episode Thanks again to LegalZoom.com

For making it happen On a Thursday So if you want any help On this arena Check out LegalZoom.com And use coupon code Amir Or use coupon code

Jake They're not a law firm So you get to save A pile of money Thanks guys