If I Were You - 31: Violence

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

In this episode Amir tries to guess some celebrities, and how hard Jake slaps him. Then we read the cold open to a pilot we never shot.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. If Now let me to two pathetic hoes. Segments. If I died before this episode is released, and it's a great episode of Segments with Jake and Amir, do you release it and do you preface it with, Amir would have wanted it this way, just FYI he's gone. But I, first of all, cold open this exact clip.

Yeah. Right. So this is before the theme song. Yeah, this is before the theme song. Then I let this theme song play. And then I come in, voice of God, who you've just met because you're done. I'm at the pearly. Yeah, and I say,

I'm sure a lot of you guys tuning in know the news that Amir's no longer with us. It's already out. And I say, I'm releasing this episode as a love letter to my great partner, like I'll make it really, really fucking heartfelt. And if you wanna listen to any of our other content, I've now put it all behind Patreon.

You wanna watch our old- This is his sort of magnum opus. Anyway, let's get started. This is fart or queef. Yeah. So everything, everything in our catalog, every Jake and Amir video, every podcast episode, everything we've ever made

goes on Patreon. That's behind a paywall. And you're using that to support the family or? I'm using that to skip out on the family. I'm using that to have a secret family. I'm using that to have a compound in the Caribbean with- With compound interest. Yes, exactly right.

I am tax sheltering myself in a tax haven. That's really cool. In New Haven? In New Haven. Yes, exactly right. Exactly right. Okay, follow up. I die and we talked about it on this fucking episode.

Do you keep this part in? If you keep on bringing it up, I guess it would depend on how you tie this. At this point, yeah. Yeah. If it was, right. If it was, yeah, if it was truly an accident, then yeah, I think it'd be too much of a coincidence

to not. People would assume, okay. Yeah. And this is honestly getting macabre and morose. The last question. Yeah. We're together when I die. Right, that's what I'd be afraid of.

Now, do you release this as a way to absolve yourself question. Yeah. We're together when I die. Right. That's what I'd be afraid of. Now. Do you release this as a way to absolve yourself or does it sort of implicate yourself even further? That's the that's the rub. That's the interesting idea. They talked about it. Yeah. And it would be bad because I've kind of talked about how I could benefit from it at this point. Yeah. So it would depend if I was actually doing that stuff. I think I would have to see that plan through. Yeah. Um, and yeah, if we died in the jet skiing accident, but like you, we

were like, we're out of sight of land and you drown. And like why, why is he has bruising around his neck and I'm like, well, he fell from the jet ski and hit his neck in a certain way. Let's see the podcast before I jump to anything. I don't want to release it out of respect for Amir, but you can listen if you subscribe to our Patreon, your honor. Patreoner, your honor.

Patreoner. All right, well, hopefully I survive throughout at least the release of this episode so we don't have to get to it. Yeah. But this is segments, we are back in the lab. You can be watching this on YouTube. We're in the New York studio together.

Exactly. Which sort of provides an extra layer of fun because we can do a little show and tell segment action. Exactly. For those of you listening at home, I'll try to describe the visuals as much as humanly possible, but Jake is gonna show me celebrities,

the most famous celebrities in their 20s. Famous people in their 20s. These are the top celebs. The creme de la creme. They've got millions of Instagram followers. They're starring in films and TV series that are grossing millions and billions of dollars. These guys are, they're rich, they're powerful,

they have influence and they have star power. We're gonna see if you know any of them. The first one is. Drum roll please. Okay. I'm staring at a lady, a nice attractive lady who looks like Mila Kunis, but I don't know if it's a Jenner, if it's a Kardashian.

Is it a Rodrigo? I'll guess Olivia Rodrigo. And Nicole, do you have a guess? I do know who this is. Oh, you do know. Yeah. But I incorrectly, when I first saw her thought immediately Nina Dobrev for some reason,

but I know it's not her. Yeah, I don't even know who that is. But you know who this is too. Juana Telamir. Victoria Justice. Victoria Justice is the name I've not heard of. Is she on a Marvel? She is, I'm looking at it now.

I'm looking at it now. It looks like she is an actor and a singer. Okay. She was in... Victoria Justice. Yeah. It's a good name. Is she related to David Justice?

I don't know. I really don't know. It looks like she was in a Nickelodeon show. Got it, yeah, that's why. Honestly, it would be weird if I knew who this was. Well, she was in it in 2005. Okay. And now she's a...

And now it's like, still, it's like, why was I watching Nickelodeon at age 23? She has 24 million followers on Instagram. Okay, good on her. Shout out Victoria Justice. Now I know who she is. Okay. All right, so that's 0 for 1.

Do you think I'll get any of these? You have to strip. I didn't realize that. Yeah, it was strip celebrity. And it's just, I got one wrong and I have to get off on my completely naked. The next one I have to cut my dick off. You can put them on when you get one right.

All right, next lab. Oh, I know this one. This is a white man with a beard with tattoos on his face. This is White Iverson, AKA Post Malone. That's correct. Did you think I'd get this one? Yes, I did. Okay, that's good.

So I didn't, you think he regrets the face tattoos or that's sort of like him forever. I think that's him forever. I think he's fine with that. And he likes that. Yeah, yeah. Face tattoos are, they're a big thing with these kids in their twenties.

They love the face tattoo. It's a risk for sure. Cause it's always on your face. If you had to get a face tattoo, what would you do? Probably something about Luke, my dog. Right. Yeah. And where would you put him?

I would put like an L maybe underneath my beard. Oh, that's nice. So it's like close to my face, but not necessarily. Yeah, you can kind of keep it hidden. Yeah. All right, let's check out that next celeb. Oh, I might do a rose on my eye. Oh, sorry, we're back.

Who's this? Blonde lady. Blonde lady looks like Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter. Uh-huh. Sort of a Jodie Foster type. Yeah. Thin-lipped, Sydney Sweeney but way fish. Yes, yes.

Wispy curtain bangs. A Sydney Sweeney, Sydney Sweeney. I don't know who this is at all. I can't even guess. I mean, I guess if I had to just fucking throw out a name. Yeah. Courtney Ross. I'll give you some of her credits.

Okay. She was in Euphoria. Is she a nepo baby? I don't know. Okay. Yeah, Euphoria. Maya Hock. Nope. baby? I don't know. Okay. Yeah, Euphoria. Maya Hock. Nope.

Okay, I don't know who this is. Hunter games, the hunger games. Jennifer Lawrence. No, this is Hunter Schaefer. Yeah, I don't know who that is. Neither do I. Nicole? Yeah, from Euphoria.

You know who that is? No, okay, yeah. Yeah, Euphoria, a lot of Euphoria kids. Have you seen Euphoria? No. Yeah, I haven't seen it. It of euphoria kids. I have you seen euphoria? No. Yeah. It's not for me. I know that it's not for me. But isn't it like cool teens partying? Isn't that up your alley? Cool. Teen. No, that's not up my alley. Cool. Teens.

Part. I liked I liked to party when I was in my teens and 20s. Now I'm not for you. Well, because I don't like watching. I don't I don't like watching teens party. That's not fun for me. Interesting. Yeah. All right, next. This is a nine year old with a tattoo.

What? Nicole, do you know who this guy is? This is- I think so, but I haven't seen him in years. Literally a pre-teen. There's no way he's old enough to have a tattoo. He is 21 years old. That is, this is a child wearing jewelry and a tattoo

and a fucking nail polish, which is I guess the least of his concerns. It looks like he's in a movie called The Loneliest Boy in the World. That's funny. Wait, Nicole, you know who this is? I think so, but I haven't seen him since he was like a child.

Okay, so he was a child now. Well, a real child. He was nine and now he's 21, looks like nine. Nicole, what's your guess? I don't know who this is. Jacob Sartorius? That's correct. I knew that. Oh, he was a popular Viner musically. Oh yeah. I know the name.

A lot of these like a lot of the kids that were big on Vine or whatever, are they're just singers and songwriters now. Interesting. Yeah. Do you know the Montana Boys? No. that were big on Vine or whatever, they're just singers and songwriters now. Interesting. Do you know the Montana Boys? No. So the Montana Boys are a recent TikTok phenomenon. They're not singers or dancers.

All they do is walk towards the camera while a country song plays. There's five of them. They're pretty hot. They live in Montana. A country song is playing and they're walking to the camera. Almost like models, but they're not models either. They're just from Montana.

And Kristin Cavallari saw it, DM'd one of them, and now they're dating. So it's like the Montana boys and Kristin Cavallari, and they're all sort of famous in this ecosystem. That's absolutely bizarre. And they have like, they're doing interviews and like, we don't have any acting ambitions and we don't have any singing or dancing skills.

So it's like, okay, what are we down to? You're just wearing a hat. Guys from Montana that Kristin Cavallari wanted to have sex with. Yeah. It's awesome. Anyway, I hope one of them is on here. I don't.

The Montana boys. Yeah, Kristin Cavallari could be. All right, next. Oh, that is Olivia Rodrigo. Yes, Kristin Cavalieri could be. All right, next. Oh, that is Olivia Rodrigo. Yes, you did guess her before, so she's on the mind. She's really good, by the way. I really like Olivia Rodrigo. Yeah, very talented. I watched the 60 minutes with her.

Wow. Yeah, she's really good. Shout out to Olivia Rodrigo. Okay, another singer, songwriter is coming up next. All right. Mm, mm. She's wearing an earring that looks like an ear wearing an earring. singer, songwriter's coming up next. She's wearing an earring that looks like an ear wearing an earring, which is really cool.

Yeah, that is actually cool. That being said, I've never seen this person before in my life. Nicole, you know who that is? Yeah. Who? Do I have to ruin it already? You're not gonna take a guess? Yeah, because I just don't know.

Angeline Dupree. Let me see if I can give some of her credits so people at home can guess. Oh, okay. Is she in Marvel movies? She is not, she's a singer. She's got a song called Paint the Town Red. Oh, I know that.

I'm just sick, I paint the town red. She's a rebel, she's a bad little bitch, she a devil. Is it Dua Lipa? No. Is it- It does start with a D. I do know that song. It's a popular TikTok song.

Bitch, I said what I said- What's Homer Simpson's catchphrase? Doe. Dua Lipa. No. Doe. Doe-a-leepa. No. Doe? Doe. And what's our Patreon?

Oh, Doja Cat. Nice. I think she's Jewish or something. Really? Somebody said that she's either half Jewish or something. Yeah, I do know that song. That is a good song. And I didn't know that that's what Doja Cat looked like.

Three more celebs. Okay. and I didn't know that that's what Doja Cat looked like. Three more celebs. Okay. I'm looking at the head of PR for Intel. This is a LinkedIn profile picture of a young executive. And this one's a Nepo baby. Okay, that makes more sense.

This is. You can tell the Nepo babies because they kind of don't look like they should be famous. It's like Sarah Hathaway, and Hathaway's younger sister. Yeah, yeah. This is Anne Hathaway's cousin. Yeah, Dana Hathaway. It's you're going to be very that it's so a name like that. Okay.

Do you want me to give you some of Nicole? Do you know? Yes. Do you want me to give you some of her father's credit? All of these. Oh, father's credits. Is this Maya Hawk? No. And Hawks daughter? Oh, father's credits. Is this Maya Haack? No. Ethan Haack's daughter?

Nope. Okay, yeah, give her that. Okay, so she is famous. She's, oh, she's in Euphoria. There you go. Of course, that's what it is. I don't know any of the Euphoria's. She's also in a couple of her father's movies.

So I'll give you the names of those. Okay. The King of Staten Island. With Pete Davidson? Yep. Okay. She's in Knocked Up. With Pete Davidson? Yep. Okay. She's in Knocked Up. With Seth Rogen?

Yep. Oh, oh, oh, Maude Apatow. That's correct. Yeah, that's correct. I didn't know that. I didn't know that's what she looks like. Yep. All right, two more.

This guy's fucking hot. He's so hot. It's Christian Bale with the fucking necklace and a shirt. This dude, I don't know if I would have known him based on the photo honestly, but I love his music. I was hoping you'd give me Jacob Elordi because I do know that from Saltburn, but this is not Jacob Elordi.

No. This is a guy, a musician. Yeah, musician chiseled everything. Yeah. The jaw, the abs, the hair is perfect. I know. Wow. What songs does he have that's famous?

I can give you some. I don't think I've seen this. You've definitely, yeah. I've heard the songs. Nicole, do you know who this is? Yes. Oh my gosh. Nicole, you're young, aren't you?

I'm tapped in. Yeah. All right. There's nothing holding me back. the songs. Nicole, do you know who this is? Yes. Oh my gosh. Nicole, you're young aren't you? I'm tapped in. Yeah. All right. There's nothing holding me back. There's nothing holding me back. That's right. This is the guy who sings, there's nothing holding me back. Yep. I don't know what that is. Oh, I've been shaking. I love it when you go crazy. Oh, Shawn Mendes. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing holding me. I thought Shawn Mendes was older. Yeah, I don't know how old he is, honestly. He looks like a young boy. I thought Shawn Mendes was like closer to our age. Really, I don't think so, but let's see.

How old is he? 32. No, really? I don't know, I'm guessing. All right, I'm gonna, oh, he's six foot one. That's awesome, that's amazing. Good on Shawn. You're gonna be floored. He's awesome. That's amazing. Good on Sean. You're gonna be floored.

He's 25. This kid is 25. He's still got his whole entire life ahead of him. I feel like I've known him for 10 years. Wow. Yeah, good on Sean. I mean, you might have known him since he was 15. A lot of these kids, they get this start so young.

Sartorial style, yeah. All right, last one. And I believe you've guessed her maybe twice. Holy shit. You should get her now. Is it Dua Lipa? That's Dua her now. Is it Dua Lipa? That's Dua Lipa. That's Dua Lipa.

Maybe that's the Jew. Yeah. One of these pop stars is like a Jew from the Valley or something like that. Interesting. A lot of Jews from the Valley make it. It's funny. It's like I was a Jew from the Valley and also Doja Cat.

Like that doesn't make sense. Like she also went to the Johnny Rockets in Woodland Hills. Did I ever see her there? There's a world where if you got famous now, like we, I feel like we hit our peak at a time when it actually didn't matter if you were hot. Like you could just look like anything that people thought you were cute.

Okay. Now with the TikToks and all that stuff, you kind of have to like- At least be a nine. Yeah, you have to have like the body. You have to have it all. You have to be able to dance. So you have to be a Montana boy.

Yeah, if we were getting our start now, I wonder if we would, well, probably we just wouldn't even try. Well, I did notice recently that all YouTubers now, the vloggers have incredible hair. Right, that's- They all have like big, thick hair. Yeah, yeah.

Like curly hair that are bangs, thick fucking Rhett and Link style hair or a full mane. You never see like a thin haired YouTube. They have to have young, you gotta have the fucking quaff. Pompadour, yeah. Ben Schwartz or Ben to be a YouTuber. Ben Schwartz or a Shawn Mendes.

Yeah, Ben could make it. It's, but you have good hair. You could definitely do it. Yeah, I needed to hear that. Cause at the time it But you have good hair. You could definitely do it. Thank you, yeah, I needed to hear that because at the time it didn't feel like that. I never heard that from you. Yeah, you didn't ever, I feel like you didn't accentuate your hair

until much later. Cause you were often, you had the faux hawk, which actually kind of just brought it to a little point. It wasn't necessarily like- Yeah, anything. No. Yeah. And you also had really thin glasses.

No beard, yeah. You made yourself uglier in your better looking years. Would you ever think about that? I don't want to take a break. Let's drill down on this. I guess I'm finally ready to talk about this. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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It finds the unwanted subscriptions. It says, no, no, no. Rocketmoney.com slash segments. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Oh yeah, baby. It's an all-in-one website platform. For entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online, you know what Squarespace is.

We've been talking about them for years now. That's true. It's true. With good reason, they're legit. It's the best way to build a professional-looking, I don't know, portfolio for yourself or a loved one. Maybe an online store you're looking to hock some wares. Yeah, you can earn using Squarespace, folks.

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But it's still relevant, it's still good. I believe they're still making facts under Snapple. Yeah, I haven't gotten to Snapple in a while. Do they even still sell Snapple? Snapple might be out of business. No, they have, they're still Snapple. I've seen them around, yeah. And I bet they still have facts.

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So, support them, support us, support yourself. Thank you, Squarespace. Thanks. And we're back. Yo, yo. People like when we discuss, strolls down memory lane. Ah, I love that. We talk about old college humor stories, But like when we discuss strolls down memory lane. I love that.

We talk about old college humor stories, potentially stories from our earlier 20s. Back when we were of Shawn Mendes age. Yes, a spry Mendes. Yeah, you remembered a part of our lives where we were close to selling a television show. Not our TV show, the Jake and Amir pilot. Right.

No, not that. Which happened later. I think this was maybe our first thing. Is that possible? Maybe our second. Maybe it was our second. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Cause we got kind of far along in the process. Yeah. I guess it was maybe the furthest we, I don't even know if it was the furthest we had ever gotten. It was just maybe like, it was so early and we got so far that it felt like the realest thing had ever gotten. It was just maybe like, it was so early and we got so far that it felt like the realest thing that ever happened. It was kind of like before we were jaded by the process

and we were enamored by the process. Yeah, this you said was 2013. 2013. So I was 30 and you were 27 or 28 or something. Yeah, yeah, I think it was 20. Wait, yeah, no, 2013, 11 years ago? Yeah, 27, all right. And this is like when basically TV was, Wait, yeah, no, 2013, 11 years ago? Yeah, 27. All right.

And this is like when basically TV was, like network TV still exists and like people would pitch things in cycles. Remember that? Like in January, you hit them with log lines and try to get a producer on board because in May they're buying projects for the spring. And then there's pilot season

because we're also actors and you'd actually like fly to LA to like audition for all of the pilots. Which I don't think exists anymore. There's just TV and channel. It's rolling all the time. There's no seasonality to it. Right, I don't think so.

But this is when we had our YouTube show, so it's like, oh, let's try to sell a piece of development. So hit us with ideas. And they would say, try to have it based on a newspaper article. So it's like a, when they ask you why you, why now, we have like this article, famous viral thing to point to. Yeah.

And you, so you read an article about these like 38 year olds that were all still living together 18 years after college. Yeah, or they moved back in together, or maybe they were just still. Well, I just read the pitch actually. They had never left. And then we like, I think we took that one step further and we're like, okay, what if they all left

and they like are depressed in their lives and they come back because college was the happiest time. So they all move in together. Right, which is fine. It's like a normal idea for a show. We called it home again. Great, so you can never go home again. We pitched it to Ben Stiller's production company, Red Hour.

Yeah, we pitched it to a bunch of production companies. Yeah, the first round of this like pilot pitching is you go around to all of the different production companies, and usually it's like a celebrity who has a production company. And then if any of those producers like it, then they say they'll develop it with you. Yeah.

You're still not getting paid. Not getting paid. At the very least, there's a famous person's company attached to your idea. I like this idea. It's like an executive is like, I like this idea. And I might even tell Ben Stiller about it. Oh, me and Ben Stiller might know about it.

So you'll write the script. Yep, for free. I'll give you notes. Yeah. For free. And then usually they had like some kind of deal with one of the networks. Or a studio. Or a studio. Or the network.

Oh right. So then you, once you get that script, you go and you pitch it to a studio. Yeah. Cause the networks are like CBS, Fox, ABC and NBC. Those are the four. Yeah. And then those people hear pitches

not from production companies that we already had attached, but from studios, like Paramount or Warner Brothers. Did we get past network and we're gonna pitch the studio? I think we were gonna pitch the studio, but the studio was ABC, which was also the network. So it was a little two for one opportunity. So we got the production company on board,

which is still $0. And then you take that with them, Chicken Little Style to the next level. And that next level would have been potentially to have a script for a pilot at ABC, which is the Holy grail. It's not even a show. It's just somebody paying you to write a script.

You'll write a script, and then maybe you get to shoot the pilot. Which would be insane. You get a lot of money just to shoot the pilot. They spend billions of dollars on pilots that are shot that never get there. And then if they like it, then it gets picked up. An actual show that could get canceled after six episodes. Usually they do.

Nine miracles happen to have a failed show. Right, exactly. And then the goal is to have a modern family which makes $20 billion and feeds the rest of the ecosystem. Right, gets adapted into several different languages. Exactly. There's international versions of Home Again down in South America.

And we're just watching the money in our check account go up and up. So this is us on step two of 80. And we're the most excited we've ever been because it's like something that's not Jake and Amir. Yes. And- It's still our comedy. Right, and like adults that are like powerful

and successful are actually interested. They're like, oh, this is actually good. Whoa, okay. So I remember this was when we, I had moved back from LA, was living in Williamsburg, used to come over, whenever we weren't shooting Jake and Amir,

you would just come over and we would spend all day writing this pilot. We would write a pilot for free just to sort of show people, like this is what it could be, by the way. So you don't even have to pay, it's already done. And they're like, okay, we're either into it or we're not. So I have the pilot.

Oh, okay. Tell me what you want me, do you want to read the cold open? Do you want me to read the, I wonder if there's a one sheet. Let's see. Yeah, let's read the cold open. It's called.

There's so many files in this folder. There's notes on this pilot from Ben Joseph and Dan Gerwich. Yeah. Oh, that's the thing. Whenever you write stuff, you have to get your friend's notes and then the studio notes

and then the production company note. Everyone's sort of pitching in, weighing in, letting you know what they think. Our manager and Pat gave notes on another round. Yeah, you're gonna wanna talk to Pat, our manager. There's draft four. Oh, Debbie, the producer gave notes. Yeah, Debbie, who I really liked.

I think she's still around making shows. Yeah, I think she makes Penn 15. Great. She's killing it. Okay, so the premise for this show is that Amir and I play, I believe it's, my name is Ryan and yours is Phil. Okay, so Ryan is like a buttoned up businessman, you. And Phil is his wacky best friend that doesn't have a job.

And it's Ryan and Phil's idea to get all of their old friends to move back into their college house together. Okay. And the funny part about this process is like, we pitched this to ABC studios and it didn't end up happening. Next year, we could have pitched this idea, but it's like, no, that's an old idea.

Yeah, they don't want the old idea. Why? Nobody saw this idea. It's just as good as this random other one we're about to pick. We're like, okay, this is an ice cream store. That's a lot more timely. Scoops. Yeah, why is that any better than this store. That's a lot more timely. Scoops. Yeah, why is that any better than this?

I think Scoops, was Scoops after this or before? I think before. Yeah, cause Scoops was way worse. It was a multi cam. It was like our version of Cheers, but an ice cream store. We'll read Scoops next time. Also developed with Debbie, so.

Oh really? Shout out to Debbie, yeah, she's the best. Okay. This is the cold open interior world calm bank lobby. Ryan McCafferty, that's me. 32, handsome, nice. Handsome, unhappy in a power suit, exits the elevator of his investment banking firm.

He was walking and talking with Mr. Thompson, a rich old white guy. So I'll be Ryan, you'll be Mr. Thompson. Okay. Mr. Thompson, hi. I was hoping to take Saturday and Sunday off this weekend. You just took a weekend off in February of 2009. You remember that? I remember everything, Ryan.

You also took a lunch break in 08. It'll never happen again, sir. It's just that I'm moving tomorrow. Fine, fine, just make up for it next Christmas or funeral or something. Is your dad close to dying? I don't hope so. Fair enough.

Lechaim, I'm gonna start sprinting. See you Monday. And then Mr. Thompson sprints away. Ryan and Mr. Thompson exit the WorldCom lobby and are met with a chorus of boos from a throng of, oh wow, Occupy Wall Street style. Nice. From a throng of angry protesters,

Mr. Thompson takes off. He's really fast for an old guy. There he is. That's the guy that sits in his ivory tower shredding our tax dollars. We don't get your tax dollars. Sounds like this chicken wants some eggs. The crowd launches eggs at Ryan

as he runs towards his car. A man in crowd gives chase and the protesters erupt in cheers. You jump into my car, Phil, and slam the door. Man in crowd, what is this? The protesters surround the car in a frenzy, rocking it back and forth. Man in crowd, sorry, sorry, sorry, I know.

Oh, eggs, Phil, really? Why eggs? Oh, so my character was in the crowd. Yeah, the man from the crowd dives in the passenger side, the protesters surround the car in a frenzy, rocking it back and forth. So you were the man in the crowd protesting me. Got it.

Okay, why eggs? Sorry, sorry, sorry, I know. The man in the crowd is Phil Feldman, 31, bearded, wiry, and slovenly and charming. Nice. We've been friends for 30 years. Phil Feldman is a really good name. Both of the pH.

Yeah. It's stuff like this that makes you, that makes me not want to move back in with you. Whoa, you can't pull out now. We're signing the papers this afternoon. You're not signing anything. I'm buying the house. I'm still involved.

I'm the one who got the old roommates on board. I mean, buying back our college house was my idea. You see, this is the premise, and we know what it is in page two. And you got egg on my casual Friday tie. Perfect. Casual Friday tie is good. Do you hear yourself? Casual Friday tie?

You need a do-over. You've been miserable since we graduated college. I hate seeing you like this. Stop crying. I do enough of that myself in the break room between meetings. Also, sometimes quietly during meetings, but you need this too. You live in a tent.

It's a yurt. You don't buy yurts at Target. Shh, my Occupy buddies would really frown upon me supporting the man. Just promise me that when we're living together again, you'll be more mature. We're still doing the fun room though, right? Oh yeah, big time.

Awesome, love you. I'll be more mature, starting now. Just then two protesters jump on the hood of Ryan's car. Dookie on the hood, take a dookie on the hood. I'm sorry, drop Trow and drop a deuce. I'll pay for half the car wash, I swear. Through the protesters' bare legs, we see Ryan is disgusted while Phil is smiling eagerly.

Smash cut to title, home again. This is fine. Yeah, it's fine. This is like as good as, if not better than, young Sheldon. Definitely, I think it's better than young Sheldon. It has to be better than young Sheldon. And you know, the pilot, we have to set up the premise. So there's some exposition that's getting forced in

a little bit. Which is a little cheesy and unfunny, but that's part of the TV. The jokes are still fine. Yeah, if I saw this cold open, I wouldn't turn off the channel. No. I'd be like, okay, they made the most out of this. Probably by the time it got to channel seven at 8.30 PM,

it wouldn't be a guy taking a dump on a hood. Right. Yeah. It would be like, I don't know, putting mayonnaise on the windshield wiper. Yeah, exactly. Hock-a-Loo-gee. Yeah. Hock-a-Loo-gee.

Exactly. But yeah, we're only on to page four. But if TV still existed, like I feel like we could repitch this. I don't know what the hell's going, like how are people pitching CBS shows nowadays? Well, I think they only come from people who have like nine season of other shows.

Right. So like Chuck Lorre. Yeah, I was on men in two and a half men for 12 years right at this other show. Okay, let's do a spinoff. There's a third broke girl. Yeah. And yeah.

So like they're not talking to 28 year old YouTubers. No, they don't want anyone at this point. They don't need people to pitch them new ideas. They just need the guys who have been making everything to make another thing, is my guess. So like the TikTokers that are famous, the Montana boys are not pitching, NBC. No, but I'm sure they could get cast in anything.

What about the production companies, the Red Hours of the world, are they still talking, but they're just pitching to like Apple Plus about a dramedy? Yeah, I think so. I feel like all of those, all of those like celebrity production companies are making their cash from, you know, co-proing anything the celeb is in.

Oh, see, Ben Stiller's celebrities. Yeah, selling things to, I mean, Stiller's probably, he's different because he's directing too. That's good. But yeah, then the other guys are like selling things to Hulu directing too. That's good. But yeah, then the other guys are like selling things to Hulu and Amazon. That's cool. That are like smaller budget,

but you know, not really small budget. Yeah. But yeah. It's only been 10 years since then. It feels like a completely different generation. What's gonna happen in 10 years from now? We should have Debbie on the show and she's like, what's TV like now?

Can I have a job, ma'am? I'd really like to work for you as an intern. I don't know if I do want a job there. Red hour? We're like in TV anymore. Oh, right. TV may or may not exist anymore. Yeah, I guess it'd be fun.

It would be fun to just be a writer in a show that I knew was gonna be picked up or something. Yeah, that's the other way to do it. It's like, this person already went through the fucking minor miracles it took to make a show, now I just get to be a part of it. Right, exactly. That's perfect.

Then you're just an actor, you're not a co-creator. Yeah, I mean, there's something fun about creating your own show, but also that comes with all of the stress and hurdles and disappointment. So it's kind of better to just be checked out, well, one of your friends does all of that. And they say, hey, will you write on my show?

Oh yeah, sure. Kind of like how Rose and UTK are friends are on Ghost, the number one sitcom on TV. Yeah, yeah, that's awesome. They figured it out. That just fell into their laps. I should be at the star of a show. I should be UTK.

I don't know how to act, but I'll figure it out. You just sort of say the lines and stand in a place. That's easy. It's better than easy. It's rich. All right, that's a good story. Yeah, let us know if you want us to read the rest of act one.

What happens, what are the other characters? Do you remember? I think there's two other lady characters and one other guy. I believe it was- Is there a married couple? Yeah, there's a married, there's a other lady characters and one other guy. I believe it was, yeah, there's a married, there's a couple that were, oh right, so there's a couple, a married couple that we lived with and we lived with them because I was dating the girl.

So it's like my ex who married our other roommate. And then there's also like a girl who used to be a big time gamer. So now it's, they come back, they're, the two married people, I think that's like the love interest, it's like I still have feelings for this girl. I remember when coming up with ideas,

they'd be like, it really only matters for the pilot, because the rest of the show is five friends hanging out. Yeah, exactly. Like you have to like fucking back in to create a Bible, a story, what's the first story? And then it eventually dissolves into friends, which is just six friends. Right, friends got it, friends in Seinfeld got it right.

It's just like, oh, it's just people hanging out. Awesome. Can we do that? No, there has to be a reason. What's the reason you're writing it? What's the reason you guys are friends? Like the new girl, which we studied as like a pilot sample. Yeah.

It's like, okay, this show is about a new girl, but like by episode two, she's not the new girl anymore. Right, exactly. She's just someone who lives with two girlfriends. Season six, she's, yeah, she's just Zoe Deschanel. Yeah, the next scene is, it's Dennis and Miranda's apartment. That's the married couple.

That's cool. The guys enter the apartment, which is tiny but immaculate. Miranda Cooper. 91, a racist to a fault. I mean, even a little is to a fault, right? All right, cool. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Oh yeah, baby. Your favorite mattress, Jake, you sleep on a Helix. Damn right. That's damn right. So you know how comfortable it is. I assume Jill also enjoys her sleeping on a Helix. I believe, yeah, her and her new boyfriend also sleep on a Helix. You have a throuple situation or it's two different beds? No, I just, well, she in, not a divorce, the separation,

she got the Helix, but then I was able to get myself a different Helix, so I'm- Well odds are you have two different Helixes because they offer 20 unique mattresses. So whether, does Todd sleep on his side, his stomach, do you know, or do they just sort of spoon? I don't know what kind of sleeper he is. I don't even know how much sleep they're getting

or if they're just having a lot of sex or whatever. But my Helix right now, I got a studio apartment in Hell's Kitchen. Yeah. There's no better way to test out a new mattress. So like if Todd wanted to give it a hundred night trial, Helix not only has that, but they also have a 10 to 15 year warranty,

which is kind of cool. He's really smart like that. He does, he often shops for something with, with the warranty. He does taekwondo, right? He's a black belt. Yeah, he's a, he is a black belt. I don't know where he finds the time because he's also, he's a doctor. I wonder how Todd did on the Helix sleep quiz, which is just a few simple questions

and then they match your body type with the perfect mattress for you. Yeah, well, no, he, I mean, he took, he took the MCAT. and then they match your body type with the perfect mattress for you. Yeah, well, no, I mean, he took the MCAT, so I feel like he probably was able to nail that test. And the best part is, Helix is now offering 30% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Does Todd listen to the show?

No, he doesn't. I doubt it. He's like, he doesn't have time for podcasts, right? Yeah, but I- He calls them your little radio shows. He's like, he doesn't have time for podcasts, right? Yeah, but I know I don't. He calls them your little radio shows. How's your little radio shows doing? Yeah, right. Did I tell you I have a roommate in the studio?

Yeah, so I have a roommate. Ryan, right? Yeah, this guy, Ryan. Well, you or Ryan or Todd or anybody listening can go to helixsleep.com slash segments. That to helixsleep.com slash segments. That's helixsleep.com slash segments. They're offering 30% off. Oh my God, this is their best offer yet

and it won't last long. Finally, some good news in my life. Yeah. And with Helix, your better sleep starts now. So do check them out. Support Jake, he needs it now more than ever. Thank you. That's helixsleep.com slash segments.

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Ah, very nice. We all carry around different stresses. Indeed. Whether you're anxious or depressed about a family relationship, a friend relationship, work, life balance issues. Yeah, yeah, plenty of reasons these days. There's always something to be a little bit, work, life balance issues. Yeah, plenty of reasons these days.

There's always something to be a little bit tense about and the best way to relieve that tension and to stop carrying that burden is by talking to a professionally licensed therapist. That's right. And the best way to find one of those is by going to BetterHelp because it's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible,

and suitable to your schedule. All you gotta do is fill out a questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Easy peasy, bud. Jake, I talk to therapists all the time, and it's very helpful.

Yeah, you talk to therapists, like they keep on dropping you. Multiple therapists have come to me and with their hat in hand, and I help them and they help me. Right, amazing. Yes, we're all helping each other because we're all talking to one another. And if I wanted to just stay at home

and do so more affordably and conveniently, I would use BetterHelp. Right on. You can visit betterhelp.com slash segments today to get 10% off your first month. Awesome. So get it off your chest with BetterHelp. That's betterhelp.com slash segments.

Their prices are low because they're not like, you know, the therapists are not paying for rent anywhere. Right. Well, they might be paying for rent somewhere, but it's not necessarily an expensive office. And then they pass those cashes on to you. Those savings go on to you for sure. Correct.

So again, betterhelphelp.com-L-P dot com slash segments today to get 10% off your first month. Easy. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Okay. All right, here's a TikTok premise I thought of that we're gonna test out on this show.

All right. It's a two person game. Yeah. And the way it works is I generate a number one through 100. You don't know what that number is, but the audience will. And my goal is to slap you with that intensity. So if it randomly generates 100, I'm going maximum slap.

You're slapping as hard as you can. If it's a one, I'm doing a very light slap. Rug raise. Exactly, 50 is somewhere in the middle. So my goal is to sort of communicate that number. Via slap. Via slap to you. And the winner is us together.

If I'm able to hit you exactly at like 47 and you get it. Uh-huh, okay. So it's sort of like we're communicating with our hands instead of with our talking. All right, so and for people listening, we're gonna get a pickup after I'm slapped what the number is. Yeah, so people will hear it before I slap you,

but Jake won't know the number. Yeah, okay. And then if you're watching it on YouTube, we're gonna use that Google generator, which is hopefully something you can visually see. All right. Okay. So, generate.

So Nicole, generate that number out of 100. Okay, I see the number. All right. So I'm gonna, you're gonna hear it now, but Jake won't know. I have no idea what's going on. We'll record it after the fact. All right.

The number is 65. And now I'm gonna stand up and you'll spank me with that intensity. Okay, yeah, you tell me where to hit you and then I'll hit you. All right, Nicole, hide the number because I don't wanna see it when I turn around. Okay.

Okay. I'm gonna spank you this intensity out of 100. Okay. All right. Let's see if I can spank that number into existence. What did you feel about that? I guess narrow down to the bottom or upper 50 first. My first guess was like 33. I was like, that's not, that wasn't too hard.

But then I'm like, you're not super strong. So like, I have to, I have to go based on like how. Maybe because you're wearing pants, it felt muted. How hard you like- I thought that might've been- It was pretty loud. That was your 87, you know? Like I wouldn't know that

because it didn't really feel like. So with using that curve, I actually am gonna guess 45. Okay, close, but not super close. The number was 65. 65, that really didn't feel- That was me two thirds of the way to maximum. Yeah, wow, okay.

Yeah. Okay, let's switch seats. All right, you play me. Okay, let's generate this numero. The number is 27. Okay, I almost instantly said it out loud. Okay, 79, here we go, ready? Okay, so the number is behind me.

I want you to slap the back of my hand with that intensity. Interesting. That was very mid. I would say it's in the 25 to 75 range for sure. It wasn't really light and it wasn't really extreme. The 25 to 75 range for sure. It wasn't really light and it wasn't really extreme. In that range, it felt 25 to 50-ish for me. I'll say 43.

43. The number was 27. Interesting, okay. So 16 off, that's the closest we've been so far. Not bad, okay. All right, we're trying to get closer than 16 here. Okay. Where do you want me to hit you?

My grundle. In your taint? Yeah, in the taint. Just a karate chop up. Yeah, no, I'll go, why don't I go just full on, just hand to hand. Okay, hand to hand. Front to hand, yeah.

Let's see here, let's generate that number out of 100, okay. The number is 68. Ooh. out of 100, okay. The number is 68. Ooh, all right. That was a bit of effort. Again, my first thought was 50% because I didn't wind up. Nicole's laughing. But I do think that, yeah,

knowing that you don't have a lot of strength, I feel like that was actually probably near your max. One rep max. So I think we're looking at 75 and up. There's no way that it's 90 because I think you would have wound up. You didn't really wind up. I'll do 78.

Closer, 68. Okay. So we're 10 off. Yeah, 10 off, that's not bad. All right, I do think hand is more effective because I couldn't- It's sensitive. I'm gonna go with the risky move

and save my face and hope that it's not 80 and above. But if it is, I don't want you to take it easy on me. I can handle 100. All right, the number is 43. And that's the, I see the number. It's been generated. Oh, it's been generated. Are you sure you wanna do it?

You punched me. Put on a metal glove. Who's 12? What the hell is your problem? It was a punch. All right, yeah. Okay, slap my face with this intensity. Got it.

Oh God. He's winding up, folks. I was hoping it was a love tap. That hurt, okay. It wasn't nothing. That would hurt. Okay. It wasn't nothing. It wasn't nothing. Still, I'm feeling 50-ish from that

because it was a little wind up and a hit. But then I also like, does it just hurt more because it was my face? Right. 55. Close, but not closer than me. It's 43. I'm like, 55. Close, but not closer than me. It's 43. Oh, okay.

So it was a little later. Yeah, 55 would have been harder than that. Yeah, yeah. Let's generate again, hit my face again, now that I'm calibrated. Okay. Oh God. Do the other side.

This side. I can't, it's left handed. I need... You need to hit the same side. I do. All right. That was so hard. It was 21. That was so hard. It was 21.

That was so hard. That woke me up like a fucking cold brew in a cold plunge. Honestly, the newest thing was slapping. Yeah. You're frazzled. I'm concussed. Can you see redness on my face? Yeah, a little, I guess.

It was definitely the highest number we've had so far. 91. Close. You want me to do it one more time? Let me adjust down. Now that I know where you're feeling. Was it 88? No, it was higher. Higher than 91 know what you're feeling. Was it 88? No, it was higher.

Higher than 91? Yeah. Wow, what was it? 97. Wow, a slap in the face at 97. What would have 100 have been? I think I don't know. I think I would have had to like really,

I didn't wind up that much. Yeah. That's why I felt like it wasn't. I tried to generate as much power as I could. I basically- That was the closest we've got. I was essentially like, I'm just gonna go as hard as I can. Yeah, cause That was the closest we've got, six off. I was essentially like, I'm just gonna go as hard as I can. Yeah, because even if I say a hundred,

that's really close. Yeah, exactly. But I didn't wanna be like 97, you're like, yeah, but I didn't, if I really wound up and went as hard as I could, then I think it would have been a little too much. So like- The oh God was a little bit tipping it.

Yeah, little, yeah, cause you knew that it was gonna be high. Let's get, actually, maybe we shouldn't do the pickup of that, it's kind of fun to not know. You say, oh God. So like if the audience is guessing with me on that one, it's fine. Yeah, well the audience at home will see the 97.

If you're watching. But it's an Easter eggs for those listening. One more or what do you think? I feel like we end at a 97, that's perfect. Cause like what am I gonna slap your thigh at 32? We're six off and I'm not gonna let you touch my face. You don't think I could do a slap? Cause it probably won't be that high.

Yeah, exactly. I could do a slap to you. Right, the odds are that it'll be much lower, but I'm not playing it. You don't wanna do it? No. I kinda wanna do it, cause what if it's like 29? Yeah, it wouldn't be bad.

It wouldn't be bad, but like the worst thing that could happen to me is like you slap me pretty hard and it like hurts my neck? Yeah, it wouldn't be bad. It wouldn't be bad. But like the worst thing that could happen to me is like you slapped me pretty hard and it like hurts my neck. Yeah, for a week. And then, yeah. You're just done. I care way too much about not being sore.

My life is entirely about comfort. Optimizing my- Pain-free lifestyle. Cause everything else that I have to do is mildly inconvenient. I'm constantly lugging, moving, shifting. I need to be pain-free. Let's see what the number would have been. Okay.

69. Wow, that's funny. Yeah. What if we 69 to that intensity? Perfect. All right, great. Why don't we call it there? Why not?

Especially because there's a ringing in my ear now. Yeah. So it's hard to record anything else. You have to go to the ER. Yes Why not? Especially because there's a ringing in my ear now. Yeah. So it's hard to record anything else. You have to go to the ER. Yes. And that's not how I want to spend my day off. No. See, this is why I didn't want you to slap me.

What's that? All right, for more of us, you can watch our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. That's right. We'll be playing this game with the, but it's 50 to a thousand. That's a thousand to 25,000. Although we can play this on TikTok. Doesn't this feel like That's a thousand to 25,000.

Although we can play this on TikTok. Doesn't this feel like a game? Yeah, yeah, definitely. I wanted to try it with Avi Tal, but I guess the slapping of the face. I feel like it's a younger kids game. Like the slapping in the face would be much funnier. The Montana boys should play it.

Yeah, the Montana boys could do it. And for more of this podcast, we'll be back next week. You can watch it, you can listen it. Thank you so much. I am borderline concussed, but ultimately happy to be here. I apologize. Again, I can't hear anything you're saying. See you guys soon.

That was a Hedgum original. Hey, this is Jeffrey James, host of the Hedgum podcast and fan favorite game show, Jeopardy! We're going to be live streaming this chaotic Jeopardy-inspired game show on Thursday, June 6th at 5pm PT, 8pm Eastern. Some of your favorite podcasts, hosts, and producers will be competing, including Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements from Hollywood Handbook, Mike Mitchell and Nick Weiger from

Doughboys, Carl Tart and Lamar Woods from Xoxo Gossip Kings, Miles Bonsignore from Perfect Person, Amir Blumenfeld from Segments, and more! Get your tickets today at moment.co.jefrity. It's only $10. That's 5 eighths the California minimum wage. So if you live in Sacramento and you work an hour, most of that's gonna go to this stream. Again, M-O-M-E-N-T dot C-O slash G-E-O F-F-A-R-D-Y.

And if you can't watch live, the VOD version will be available for seven days following the stream. So get your tickets and come hang out with us. Or don't.