If I Were You - 311: Hidden Dildos

Episode Date: January 22, 2018

In this episode we discuss mormon parents, annoying brothers, and Jake's Game of Thrones addiction.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Sometimes I need to seize the cheese. Sometimes my girlfriend cheats on me. The soldiers started up. My life's stuck in the rubble. So please tell me what to do if I were you. Yeah. That was dear Lincoln again.

God, I fucking love that cover, dude. Dearlincoln.com or Facebook.com slash Dear Lincoln. Good band name. They say that despite the fact that Nicole Byer thinks it's cheating, they want us to shout out their band. Remember, because we played a Dear Lincoln song in her episode, and she said it's cheating to have a band play the song. Oh, yeah.

It has to be just one person. On a kazoo. Yeah. That was a Green Day cover. That song came out when 96 or something? No, way later, 2014. What? No.

What? That's comical. It's absolutely hilarious. I would guess that came out in 1995. Yeah. So if you're like, how many of our fans are under the age of 23 that came out before they were born? That's like us listening to 70s classic rock or something.

I think our fans are older now though. All of them? Yeah. Yeah. When did basket case by Green Day come out? 94. Wow. Yeah.

Great song. And great cover. Thank you, Dear Lincoln. Gracias, guys. And this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that we're still hosting. I'm Amir. I'm Josh.

And I'm Josh. Two Joshes and one Amir. You already said. Okay. We got some good feedback from the unsolicited advice segment. Wow. Yeah. So we're going to try it again this week.

We're going to talk again about crypto. So basically what we're looking at is a correction, folks. That's a 20 to 30% dip. If you're a long time holder, you're going to want to buy. I mean, these prices will not last. Good Lord. But Jake will offer up his unsolicited advice later. That's right.

Do you got a good one? I have something that he made me very happy. That's pretty much all we need. I sent you some questions. Do you have them on hand? My computer's about to die. I do. Okay, good.

I do have them on hand. You do. I do. All right. Choose one. Okay. Take that, rewind it back. This one is from a gentle person.

Oh, very woke. But it is a guy. Of course. A gentle guy. And he does identify as such. Sydney Dean Stant. His last name is Stant. Stant.

Stant. Sydney Dean Stant writes, Hey boys. So here's the deal. I've been seeing this girl for three months now. We hang out several times a weekend. Each of us have met each other's friends and she even met my mom last weekend. We haven't had the talk yet, but since we've been so intimate, she had engaged in each other's lives for the last few months.

I would be surprised if she had room for other people and if she did, I'd be unaware of it. Of course. Those are the two options. Of course. I either know or I don't know about them. So here's the problem. The other night she matched with one of my best friends who she hasn't met

and I'm unsure what it means. They had a small conversation, nothing much, but she messaged the first, hey, does this mean she's banging other people? Does it mean she doesn't see this as serious? Could she have been sleeping with other people and just not telling me those stories? We met on Tinder, so I know she's comfortable using the app to make serious relationships. Should I playfully bring up the fact that they matched or just let it lie? My friend isn't interested, so that's not a problem.

Do people still use Tinder when they aren't looking for sex? Should I take this as a sign that I shouldn't ask to move into a committed relationship? Love, Sydney, Dean, Stanton. That's got to hurt. That sparks a bit. I introduced you to my mom and now you're saying hey on a dating app to another guy. I feel like once you meet the mom, you can't sleep with anybody else because then you have to explain to the mom.

You don't have to break up with the mom. But this guy has to be like, yeah, she's good, she's good, she matched with another guy mom. Yeah, the hey, the first hey really undoes it all, doesn't it? Yeah, because it could be like an errant match from three weeks ago. Yeah, we're still in the system. Totally, like a lame match that, oh, I swiped this guy months and months ago. It just went through. Hey is like, all right, let's fucking get to this.

I'm interested in you. I'm down to chat. I didn't meet somebody's mom last weekend. From a mom to a stranger hey. That sucks to hear, dude. Yeah. And then it's like, the friend is like, but the friend's not interested. So it's like, that sucks too.

It's like, what's wrong with her? Why aren't you, you're not even down to entertain it. But don't worry, my best friend thinks she's ugly. He would never, it's, he's not her type is all. Yeah, so. I wait until introducing ladies to mothers just to avoid this specific thing. You're an early meet my mom type deal, right? Yeah, I love, I love bringing people around.

Throwing into the fire. My mom has met people that I was just banging for a weekend. And that's how I'll introduce them too. So I'll be like, this is Sarah. We were just banging for a weekend. This is Rachel. I'm hanging and banging with her on the slide. Like all of the, all of the people my mom has had to like meet and

instantly forget. Yeah. And do you ever like, when after the lady leaves the mom's like, what was her name again? Are you ever like, don't worry about it? No, I mean, I don't think I've ever done that. But there have been times where my, like, I remember one time somebody was leaving.

I was a real fucking monster. My mom, somebody was leaving my house in the morning and my mom like, thought it was somebody else that she had already met and she like went over and hugged them. And she's like, oh, we've never had before. And then when they left, I was like, that was not who you thought it was. Oh, that. And my mom was like, you're the man.

Her wit. She gave you daps. But now I'm happily, happily married. By the way, I had my wedding. What the fuck? Yeah, I had my wedding. When? This past weekend.

This past weekend. Yeah. So I'm married now. He said you're going to Palm Springs for a quick little getaway. Yeah. Well, it ended up being my wedding. So. What about your actual wedding?

What about it? Is that going to happen still? No. You decided? That was a decoy wedding to throw you off the scent. Everybody was in Palm Springs last weekend. There was no wedding hashtag. I didn't see anything.

Would you be impressed if I like eloped, got married and like, it was like an elopement with a bunch of our friends. If it was all a ruse to not get you to the wedding. I guess I'd be impressed. Yeah. That you're able to pull off such a heist. The now that I'm on your website. Yeah.

Look at all these rough photos of the entire event. Yeah. The hashtag was Amir's night here. I see that now. You put it all in a closed group. Instagram. Instagram. All right.

So what is this going to do? Assume. I don't know. Do you bring it up? I think if you, if you've introduced to your mother, then you bring it up. And I don't think you have to do like faux joking. Like, hey, I saw you matched with my friend. Huh?

Why'd you say hey? Yeah. You have to be like, I didn't know you were still using Tinder. And I know that now because you matched with my friend and you messaged him. So like, I guess, I mean, you do have, you have to have the talk. That's the talk. That's the, are we dating other people talk? Have you had that talk or do you just create a implicit conversation and assume that you

guys are in a situation? Because I've gotten older. I've, I've like foregone the talk and, and been more like declarative statements of being like, Hey, I'm not, by the way, I like, I'm not going to see anybody else. Yeah. I don't know. Take, take what you want from that. And if you'd like to follow my lead, let me know.

I'm okay. I'll probably still match and message. Yeah. But I mean, you can have these. That's like, you have to have at least some version of that talk, I think. It doesn't have to be the talk. I've always just aired on the side of like, if you are spending more and more and more time with somebody that like, yeah, it's almost, it's too hard for the other people.

Not everybody is on that tip. So sometimes it sounds like at least here the talk is, is necessary. Yeah. It might be as simple as like some people just like sending messages. Oh, you think? There's still, there's still like, an exciting moment you get from that. Yeah. And I think that that's, and I accept that.

And I think it's fine. And I think if like, even if I had been dating somebody for a few months and I like got a match on Tinder and I like wanted to exchange messages that I, that I might, and like, it doesn't necessarily mean that she's trying to fuck your friend. It might just mean that she likes the, the rush of getting a Tinder message. Yeah. Who doesn't? Yeah.

I wonder if you can make that. It's like, we're, we're not in an open relationship, but we're still on dating apps so that we can chat. Yeah. I mean, that's why you have to talk. You think that's a dangerous game to play? Like if you're like. Oh, definitely.

I just want the rush of chatting. No. Yeah. I think that's a, if you want the rush of chatting, it's only a rush because it could turn into fucking. But it's like, it's almost like a nicotine patch. You're like, I don't want a full blown cheat, but I still want the little fucking dopamine rush of chatting.

Yeah. But then like all of a sudden, then it's a bigger dopamine rush of chatting with somebody who you think is really hot. Yeah. And then that really hot person wants to beat up. Well, I just want the rush of like. Dating. Getting a drink.

Yeah. I'm not going to fuck them, but I just want someone to flirt with me in person. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's like, oh wow, now you're touching my leg and I want the rush of fucking you. I just want every rush is all. I want more rushes. I can't get enough.

I'm rushing. Nice. Thanks man. All right. Talk to her about it. Don't bring it up in a playful way. That's right. Let's read that dildo question.

Who hath my dildo? Mmm. Is that what it's called? The subject is who has my dildo. Got it. And who wrote this email? Sword Dean Stant. Sydney's little sister.

A proud Dean Stant family. Sword Dean Stant writes, hey guys, love the show. I'm a 20 year old gal. That's great to hear. They love the show. That is really cool. All right. Want to go on to the next question?

Yeah. I'm a 20 year old gal who just recently got a dildo antivibrator as a birthday present from my best friend. And I was leaving town for work like a day after so I hid them in my closet. The only sensible thing to do, obviously. And now I'm back home. I live with my mom and two little brothers and they're gone. The dildo is not the mom and the little brother.

My mom is very open minded and sex positive. It's not like we talk about details and stuff, but still. And to me, it makes no sense that she would take them. Question mark. That being said, my shit is still gone and I have no idea who has it or what to do. What do I do here? I don't think anyone in the family wants to address the dildo in the room. Nice.

But I want him back. What do I do? And what happened to my shit? Love Sword Dean Stant. Both of these emails actually were signed Love, which I think is really nice. That's nice. They love the show so much that they love us. I love you too.

Is Love saying I love you or is it saying with love? I present to you. I think love is I love you, but I think you do things with love in your heart. I send a lot of my emails love because I have love. Right. Not necessarily for the person you're emailing. So there's about a 33% chance that the mom has it or would you say it's higher than that? I think it's little brothers.

Because it's like a more of a mischievous little thing. Yeah. At which point the brothers are going to bring it up or they're just fucking watching you squirm. Yeah. I thought I really thought you were going to say or they're watching you squirm. Like some sort of weird spying on your masturbating thing. They want you to do it with your own fingers. The little brothers would love that.

Yeah. I guess it depends how old the little brothers are. Because if they're like... They're tweens. Yeah. If they're like prepubescent or like right around pubescent, then I think they have like some sort of rush of stealing it. If they're 16 or older, I don't think they stole it. You know what you can say to the mom without being so overt about it?

Saying did you take anything out of my closet? And then she goes, what are you talking about? And then you go, my dildo, my vibrato, a dildo mother. I know you what you did last weekend, mother. You used them on yourself, mother. Oh, yes. I can taste the difference, mother. Oh, come on.

I don't think... I guess I really don't know, but it feels like it's only in like porn for dudes that women suck on dildos. Well, I assume she has one little taste bud on the vagina. You think the vagina has a taste bud? A single bud, yeah, so you can sort of make sure that what's in there is clean. I disagree. I disagree with a vagina has a taste bud. Can you put...

Yeah, like why is a tongue your only taste buds? I want to put a little taste bud on my hand, so like... You probably wouldn't want to do that. So if there's like a... if I'm like holding a bagel, I'll be like, this tastes sour. I don't want to be into it. Oh, right. So like if you had a little taste bud on your finger, I feel like you would need to... You would have to put it underneath a flap.

Yeah. Because you can't just like taste everything. Yeah, you don't want to taste the steering wheel. Right, exactly. So you'll open the... That's exactly what I was thinking of was my steering wheel. So you don't want to... you have a little flap, right? And underneath it is a bud.

Yeah. A taste bud. So you're like, do I want this... do I want this donut? And you taste it, you're like, oh yeah, I do want that. Yeah, it tastes really good according to my little bud. Oh, this is actually a little stale. Yeah. That would be interesting.

Yeah, and then you would taste the staleness on your little bud flap. On your bud. Yeah. Anyway, I think that you... if your mom is sex positive and open, I think you could even say, did you take the dildo? Because then your mom would be able to... your mom's on your side here. If she didn't take the dildo, then you know it was the brothers. Is it dildo like a casual cool nickname for something or is that the official name for

this dick stick? It's definitely not dick stick. Okay. Well, I'm just pitching an idea. Dildo. I guess... Like if you go to a sex store, does it say dildo on the signs or does it say like dick stick? Yeah, and you could...

A phallic statue of sorts. Like fake penis. Yeah. A mold. A penile mold. You could... yeah. It's dildo in the dictionary. Here's the question.

Is it like sex positive enough? You know how like we're... we can talk about periods. You know, like we're not supposed to stigmatize these things. Yeah, like that's fine. And like we shouldn't at the same time stigmatize dildos because like masturbation is fine. It's masturbation. And it's healthy. Yeah.

And at the dinner table, you could just fucking drop the bomb and be like, so which one of you stole my dildo? That's right. It's the... it should be the equivalent of saying I can't find my yoga mat. Yeah. Like this thing helps me exercise my demons. And it happens to be shaped like a giant rubber dick. Oh, grow up, mom. I think you... I think you just straight up ask.

At dinner? Yeah. See, it's like, hey, pass the potato salad. And someone here has to pass my dildo as well. Somebody's eating... Oh, actually it was under this sleeping bag in my closet. Is that vibrator? Is it like a phone?

Or it's just constantly on? I think it has different settings, I imagine. But yeah, I think you would probably keep it constantly on. Yeah. Steady vibration. Is there a male equivalent of a vibrator? A vibrating vagina? A fleshlight.

But that's more embarrassing, I think, than a dildo. Yeah. If somebody stole my fleshlight, I wouldn't bring it up. Yeah, but that's... fleshlights are expensive. So not only do you owe me my fleshlight, mom, you actually owe me cash. It's embarrassing that you have to bring it up, but it's more embarrassing for whoever stole it. So it's kind of not fair that she has to feel the shame. Oh, you think they stole it to use it, or they stole it just to fuck with her?

I think that they either stole it because of their own morbid curiosity. I don't think they stole it to be like, let's steal her dildo and make her ask for it. Oh, I thought that's what the little... If the little brother took it, that's why... Yeah, but maybe they were playing with it, maybe they thought it was funny. Sort fighting. I don't think that they were like, yeah. I feel like they were...

I mean, her name is Sword After All, so I imagine that... Interesting. Yeah. I didn't think about it like that, but that's also the name that you gave her, so it's not like... Oh, that's true. But you know, like a swashbuckler? Yeah. So this would be a gashbuckler.

So it's like two little tween-aged assholes, which I would never do this, but they would be using the dildos as the sword. And they would come up with little immature words like gashbuckler, which I think is kind of like disgusting. Walk the cock. That's good. Yeah. Wait, no, it's not. Sorry. Never mind.

I didn't mean to say that it was good. Plank does not rhyme with cock close enough for you to walk the cock. It's got a K at the end of it. Sort of like... And you know what? You can use context clues. Yeah. So it's like a little man walking over it off a dildo into the ocean.

Yeah. I mean, it's not as clean of a parallel as gashbuckler, but at the same time, gashbuckler is so foul. Gashbuckler. But I think I zigged where you zagged, but zigging was the correct direction. Yeah. So you would bring it up is what you're answering this question with? Yeah. But I don't think I'd actually bring it up at dinner.

I think I'd bring it up with mom. And if mom didn't take it, then I know what's up. And then you like, then you find some way to fuck with your brother's back. I like that. I also think if they're younger than 16, then they... They definitely stole it. That's peak, what is it called when you're like a little dickling? Like a 15 year old little brother.

Dickling. I guess we should call it dickling. Especially because they took a dick. Yeah. You were a little brother. Yeah. I didn't fuck with your sister in such a way. Did you fuck with your sister?

Like when she had friends over, were you like, ooh, I'm gonna fart or I'm gonna throw a water balloon at them or something annoying? Not really. I think my older sister, I thought she was so cool that I like would want to hang. Like when she had friends over, I wouldn't want to annoy them. I would want to like hang out with them. So I would like, I would be like, I won't talk. Just let me hang out with them. Yeah.

Like try to befriend one of the 16 year old friends when you're 13. Yeah. I would, I guess like when I was, when I was 16 and they were 19, I still thought that. I know I was like always just trying to hang out with them. I was like making jokes that hopefully everyone would think they were funny. Yeah. And your perfect role that'd be like, Jake's awesome. I want to hang out with him and not Hannah.

Or no, if my perfect role, they would want to hang out with all of us because I also thought Hannah was cool. And what about your little brother at the time? My little Micah was eight years younger. So you're like, get the fuck away from me, dude. You're ruining my shit. I wanted him gone all the time. And he would do, but he would sort of like the way that I would like just try to win over my, like he would come down and ask me and my friends.

Like I'm 16, he's eight. He's like coming down like, Micah, get the fuck out of here. And he'd be like, do you guys want nachos? And I'd be like, no, go away. And all my friends are like, yes, we do. No, we don't, dudes. And then Micah would like go upstairs and make us nachos and he'd like come down. It was very, very charming.

He's a little sweetheart. All right. Let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors and we'll be back with more questions and some unsolicited advice from Jake Hurwitz. That's right. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow.

That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect.

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Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah.

Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. Really cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes.

And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can upload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

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And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

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Nice. Was that what it was? It was close enough. Bagley. Oh, you know what we can start asking for is little segment theme songs. Advice Stinger? Yeah. So we need like five second stingers that we can use.

And you can use that as the... Jake's notes is the basis. So maybe if Dear Lincoln is still listening, you can send us one. We don't need like a different... We don't need like another one minute, but we need like a five second fucking segment intro. Stinger. Unsolicited advice. Yeah.

All right. So today this week's unsolicited advice. Here's what I've been doing with my life the last few months. Yeah. And I've really, really enjoyed it. And you recommend this to everybody? I recommend this to... Yeah, to everybody.

I've already been a Game of Thrones fan from the early days of the show. And after the last season ended, I was like, I need more. So I started reading the books. And then as I was reading the books, I was like, why don't I rewatch the show? So I've been reading the books as I rewatch the show. And I just... Every night I escape into Westeros. And it brings me such joy and pleasure that if...

Basically, if you like Game of Thrones, but you haven't read the books and you haven't read the books because you're like, I've already seen the show. I know it happens. You don't know the fucking half of it. Just go back and read the books. You're going to have a great time. And if you've already read the books and you were one of the people that, as we were all watching the show, that was like, oh, you have to read the books better.

And like, oh, wait till the red wedding. Then I still say, fuck you. Get out of your ivory tower. But also, good on you for reading the books. Great books. So as someone, I've watched like nine episodes of it and couldn't get into it. You would still recommend me to read the books? You hate reading.

Okay. Would you still recommend it? I don't think that... No, I think there's no hope for you. But if you like reading... Yes. If you like reading fiction, then I recommend the books. I think they're great books.

Without even watching the show? If you read the books before the show came out, would you be as into it? Actually, I personally might... It's very, very dense. There are many, many characters. And for me, it helped from the beginning to know at least like half of them. To have a visualization. Yeah.

So I don't know that I would recommend like watching the show then the books or the books then the show. I recommend the books equally. Would you say the books are better than the show? I guess I don't quite remember like the middle seasons of the show right now. I would say that the books are definitely better than the first two seasons of the show. Is your appetite for Game of Thrones insatiable? Like would you read fan fiction at this point? Would you listen to a Game of Thrones podcast?

I did. I worried that I would slip... I would go down the hole and like... Because I am fearful for what happens when I'm done with the books. And it's all over. And it's all over. And like because the void this leaves will be... It's a gaping void.

It is avoid the size of the red waist. Oh wow. If you will. You really think so. The entire waist? I do. I really think it's bigger than the wall. I really think it's bigger than the wall.

The red waist where Daenerys lost most of her dothraki horde. Yes, I do. And so like right now I think about Westeros and Essos during the day. At night I'm able to escape into Westeros and Essos. And then I could sometimes, you know, if I'm home before my fiance, I can watch an episode of like season two where I am now, which is really nice. And then at night I... This is all before night.

Yeah. Before night is all. And then when I go to sleep, I dream in Game of Thrones. Like last night I had a dream about the Prince of Dorne. And I think that's really cool. The best part is I think that's cool. And you can't tell me otherwise. But I was worried that I would like start reading fan fiction and stuff, but I don't think I will.

I think I can... I think I really only trust like the, you know, George R.R. Martin and the show creators and stuff. I can tell the stories that I want to hear. Is it better than Lord of the Rings to you? It is better than Lord of the Rings to me. Wow. So it's your favorite fantasy thing ever? Yeah.

Wow. Because Lord of the Rings I think is really incredible. It's like epic. It's got the heroes and the magic and all the stuff that I like, but it doesn't have the fucking and the murder that Game of Thrones has. Game of Thrones has sex and murder all over it, which is, you know, it's almost like... It's almost like Game of Thrones is Lord of the Rings fan fiction. Because fan fiction always tends to go towards like everybody having sex. And what did you think of the Florida project?

I felt like it was more than half inane dribble. Okay. Got it. So it was a mindless child playing with a tiny little bit of story. Right. I mean, of course it's not as good as Game of Thrones. Of course. And if you ask a fantasy nerd and he's like, Game of Thrones is pretty good, but if you want to get into the real shit, you gotta fucking start reading.

Do you know what they would say? Like is there some shit that's like even more concentrated like full books of pure fucking and wizardry and magic? Yeah. Is it like J.R.R. Tolkien had like his epic after the Lord of the Rings, like the Xemeralion or something like that? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe something like that? I don't know. Or like they would say like you have to play D&D where you can be one of these characters.

And that is also now what I'm doing. Oh yeah. Talk about that. I'm starting a D&D campaign with Murph, Emily, and Caldwell. And we're going to do it as a podcast. So the first you guys choosing your characters was an episode of their podcast, right? Yeah, which I don't know if it's out yet. I don't know when it's going to come out.

I saw people referencing it. Oh, so maybe it's out on 8-Bit Book Club. And then that episode is you guys creating your characters. Yeah. And then you're going to create a podcast that's you playing the game. Yeah. I mean, I've been like passively interested in D&D for a while because like Gabras told me I would like it. Murph told me I would like it.

I've had a couple of friends that were like it's everything that you like. It's like doing bits and fantasy. Yeah, it's like fantasy improv. Yeah, which I'm like pretty on board with except I don't even want it to be funny. Is it funny? It's like kind of inevitably a little funny because you're playing like because Murph is the dungeon master. You're playing make-believe as an adult. Yeah, and like everything that you're doing is something that Murph made up in his head.

But it's also like I do, I love even just like looking at the map of Westeros. It brings me joy and I can't explain why. You just like fake maps of fake places. I like the names of things like a mountain range called the Frostfangs. I think that's really cool. And I like, you know, it's as cool to me as like the mountain range called the Himalayas or the Rockies. Where did this start? I like looking at maps.

Where did the fantasy things start? Yeah. Do you remember like the origin story of your nerdom? Probably with Lord of the Rings. The movies? Yeah. And actually I think I mentioned this on a bit book club that like I was what I would consider at the time like I was like cool 16 year old. I like had my license to me and my friend like let's get stoned and go to this like fucking Lord of the Rings movie.

Like we were at another movie. We saw preview for the two towers like that looks kind of awesome. I hadn't even seen the first movie. I got stoned and I went to Lord of the Rings and I was like like that's cool thing to do. And then afterwards I like did this backslide into nerdom. I fell down the hole where like I after seeing Lord of the Rings I like went and I bought the books. I like we watched the first movie. I read all three books and then ever since then I've just been like hooked into fantasy.

So Lord of the Rings into Game of Thrones or is there something that we're missing? Did you ever like get into Harry Potter? No never got into Harry Potter because I think to me Lord of the Rings was like sort of a grown up Harry Potter. Because at the time I think Harry Potter books and movies like got a little more gritty and older. But at that time Harry Potter was still like the boy wizard he was like in elementary school. So that was like my brother's shit. I was like more into the guys going on a quest across Middle Earth. That was cool. Taking down Sauron.

Did you ever play video games like that? Yeah I played the Lord of the Rings video game. What about like Kings Quest and stuff like that? No I never did that and I think part of it was because I knew I would get too into it so I was like I'm not going to. It can't go down that rabbit hole. I wonder what's next for you because like... If I get into D&D that's like gonna be pretty bad. That's a dangerous one.

Because at that point I'm very close to dressing up like some shit and going to a red fair. A year from now I'm going to be like showing up at work with like my drawings. I'm making my own fucking maps. That's what like Thomas does. The Murph Drew map for our campaign. Really? Yeah there's a map. And how is it?

It's beautiful. It's awesome. It's a simple pencil drawing but there's like mountain ranges and foothills and seas. And even the names of the roads that people walk. What are your thoughts on red fairs? Would you ever dress up and go to that? I don't think so. Because that's too based in reality? Yeah part of me that doesn't like seeing the sadness of like...

Other people who are into it. Yeah. Like I like... And that's why I'm like... I guess I'll see how much I like playing D&D. It's good that you're already engaged because I think if you were single you'd be too self-conscious to play these things. Definitely. Yeah like I don't fucking play D&D.

Kidding me. Yeah play I don't. I definitely don't want anybody. Well now it's fine. Yeah now it's public. Now you're embracing it. But you've already convinced someone to be with you. Too late.

Baby. She's gone. Well that's fine because I'm actually an orc who lives on Frostfig and I get to sleep with all the harlots and whores in East Corridor. Knock it off man. What? Knock it off because my character is a human raised by dwarves from the Iron Mountain. Wait sorry the Iron Mountain the security company that shrinks paper?

Let me look at this text thread. I don't know what the name of my mountain is. I'm actually from Office Depot and I was born at a stationery store. Oh Iron Deep is the mountain range. Sorry. Iron Deep. I'm from Iron Deep. Pretty cool.

My ancestors born into the mountain. They're mine for jewels. Kind of neat. So you're a tall man that was raised by short people. Which is not unlike what I actually am. Your father is not undwarven himself. Alright I guess I look forward to seeing where this slide into Nerddom takes you. Thank you very much.

And I wonder what's after Game of Thrones like there's got to be another epic adventure being written out there right now. Yeah I'll keep you posted. I mean I'm almost done with the books. I'm finishing book four right now. I think there's only one more. And then it's over. Well the one more season of the show.

Actually you know what I think I'm only finishing book three because book three was separated into two 500 page books. Of course. So I'm finishing part two of book three. So I've got a decent amount left. We have time for one more I think. There's a follow up pup. Okay well I wanted to mention the shows in Canada that are nearing capacity.

You can't buy VIP tickets in Calgary no more. That's right. VIP tickets are slowly being or quickly being gobbled up but there's still tickets available for the shows in Winnipeg, Calgary and Vancouver in March. Those shows are turning into our own little epic adventure through the great Canadian frost. Which is cool. Yeah because actually John and the Knights Watch they're all north of the wall right

now and we're going to be north of the wall when we go to Canada. Yeah I guess so. That's where the frost fangs are. Yeah. And we're going to the Canadian Rockies which is kind of like the frost fangs. Anyway. Frost fangs being the ones in the D&D game or the one in the... The frost fangs are Game of Thrones.

Got it. The D&D there's Cloudbreaker Mountains and then there's Iron Deep. Of course. And the question that we have to answer. When are the shows? Oh yeah March 7th, 8th and 9th I think. But tickets still available at FieryShow.com. Alright let's get to this question.

This is a follow up pup. I don't remember the name that we called this guy. Oh the guy that bought shoes? Yeah. Alright this is not a question right? Yes. Not a question but a follow up. Okay follow up.

So the guy who said I don't know what shoes to get the white shoes or the red shoes. And I told him to get the red shoes and you told him to get the white. And I hate to break it to you but Jake I completely agree with you and we'll be going with the white shoes. They go well with most I would wear and I'm not too concerned about keeping the whites super fresh. Amir your point that half of my friends will hate either pair is spot on because I've already noticed it when asking which pair they prefer.

However I think that a white shirt with blue jeans would go better with white shoes than maroon. I happen to agree. While a pump and dump is a brilliant idea I will wait until I hold both pairs of shoes. This is in hopes that you will pay me the price of one pair so I can dump the other. If you're okay with this you can send me the money for one pair of shoes on Venmo. He wants us to buy his shoes now? And I will throw it into an ICO.

I'll send you a picture of the shoes when I get them. P.S. my bitch ass needs ankle support which is why I am buying high top vans. If you have any alternative suggestions I will be happy to take them. I'm not going to buy his shoes. Yeah I probably won't Venmo him either. Are there any other high top shoes that you would recommend? Do you think there are any other high tops that you should cop? I have high top Nike's.

It's like the Air Presto's. What's that skateboarding guy? Stan Jaworski. Which is like a Nike skateboarding high top shoe. I have him in blue. What do you need ankle support in everyday life for? Maybe he has weak ankles. The very least.

Which rather of weak ankles or strong cankles. Strong cankles. Yeah that way you're at the very least like your stout. I want to have thick ankles and skinny knees. I want my legs to have that hourglass shape. I want that bowling pin thing though. I want to look like a fucking 710 split walking down the street. You got curves from the waist down.

Yeah you know when you do like the curvy body of a lady like describing a woman's full figure. But just like as describing a guy's leg. Yeah a knee to toe. The bowling pin. That knee to toe though. I'm not going to buy his shoes. Do you want to buy his shoes? I don't know.

I don't think I really want to buy his shoes. All right. But I guess I'll think about it. I have his Venmo on hand. Do you have a quick last question? I'm going to send you one last question. Parents are Mormon. Help.

Oh that's the one. All right. Let's go. Guys name. Elder Cunningham. Dean Stant writes, my parents are deeply Mormon and they recently found my stash of weed. Now they want to drug test me even while I'm away at college and if I fail they'll stop paying for my tuition. Just this morning they drug tested me and I had to sneak my brother into the bathroom to pee into the cup.

Should I submit to this totalitarian regime or stick to my morals and keep ripping that green love? Well he says best. Elder Cunningham. Dean Stant. Have you ever heard of a drug test to stay in a family? My dad used to give me a breathalyzer sometimes. Wow. And what happens if you failed?

He would ground me. But the first time he ever did it I clearly hadn't been drinking and it said that I did so forever they were tainted. Yeah. A false positive. Yeah. And I think he ended up not really being that much of a thing. I think it's the kind of thing that a parent threatens. Nobody wants to continually drug test your urine.

Yeah. They just want to say that so you don't smoke anymore. The threat of a breath test or a urine test is usually enough to keep somebody. You have to be able to walk away. If you're like fuck them I'm going to keep smoking my green. But then if they're like alright then we won't support you. You can't be like wait no because I still need cash from you. Yeah I think the answer is clear.

Say that you're going to submit and that you'll stop smoking and you'll give them their pee. You rig the system once. Have like piss on hand. It's going to be especially easy when you're away at college just finding a kid that doesn't smoke. But if you still need them you can't. They have the rules. They make the rules because they supply you with everything you need. Yeah I think it's worthwhile to keep on getting them to pay for your college.

But I don't think you'd really have to stop smoking weed. I think that you can just find ways to circumvent the regime as you say. Yeah. Once you're completely independent then they can't drug test you. You can't say fuck off while you still need their money. Yeah. I'm going to do me. Write the check bitch.

Can I have cash for gas? Do you think? I also need more meals on my dining card because I've always got a munchie now. I'm stoned to death. Is standing your ground not taking the test or taking it and saying I failed? I think standing the ground is not taking the test because you say I smoke. Oh like. Like I'm not going to take the test.

It's a waste of time. I'm telling you I smoke weed. I got high. All right. That was a quick hit at the end. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions. Or a stinger. Oh yeah.

Or a stinger for the unsolicited advice. Segment send it all to ifirushow at gmail.com. Opening theme song was written, oh that Green Day cover by Dear Lincoln. Dear Lincoln. Yep. Opening one is written by Ellie which is a much more sweet song to take us into the end of our episode. So thanks for listening guys.

If you live in Canada come see us and we'll be back next week. We should get a guest next week. It's a good idea. All right. Later guys. Bye. Doses. My days is a pocket set cooler than our boxes.

You know who to write to if you're in tears. Thank Green and his bad son who conquer your fears. Theodore Leslie. Leslie Theodore. Infinite references. I'll make a few more. Cause you won't believe in the cheese that I'm seizing. And I'm in a Starbucks.

The fuckers are breathing. And the reason I'm smiling is my underclothes. Got me feeling blessed and hashed out dope. And all I can think is I must tell my pals that it's softer than cotton. And they call it low down. At the end of the day it doesn't matter what you do. As long as you're listening to if I will. Thank you.