If I Were You - 313: Poopgate (w/Hayley Marie Norman!)

Episode Date: February 5, 2018

Friend and actor Hayley Marie Norman joins us to discuss pussy crystals and stinky roommates. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. New Year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps, plus fries and a medium soft drink for just $8. For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Oh, man. Oh, man, oh man. Not again. Yeah, I DM a chick on Etsy, but she never texts me.

back because I'm worried she didn't get the message. Back to back so I sent a pick of my legal weapon. Back to back on my tractor like a six or a seven. So she must not have seen it. I sent a front request but it got deleted. At this point I think her battery's depleted. Then she put my dick on Insta now I'm really heated. Please. Jake and I'm here. Can you hear me? Please. The police are trying to commenteer me. Please. All her friends tell me that she hates me, please. Does that mean she doesn't want to date me, please? Half to app. Very chill.

Haley, Marie Norman. Hi. Thoughts? There was so much going on in that song. First, he called his dick a lethal weapon, which is terrifying. Right. And he texted her a photo of it, which is, let me just start early with my advice. Don't do that.

Not unsolicited. Okay, not unsolicited. That one is solicited. Then it ended with the cops coming for him. Which is, like, that's accurate. If you send somebody a picture of your penis, you get arrested. Yeah, the police are going to come. I like that the girl hates him, but maybe she wants to date him.

And it might have just been the battery. But I think it was a nice arc. I liked that it started off with like, will you date me and ended up with him being arrested. Yeah, there was definitely an arc. Also, I feel like you guys have a lot of black fans because I'm going to go on a limb and say a black person made that song maybe. Whoa. You know, he didn't mention it. And honestly, I don't even see color.

So even if he did, I wouldn't have read that. Well, Drake is half white. Yeah, Drake is half white. And half black. I think that, listen, I feel like... It could really go either way. It could go either way. I also feel like that's not an really offensive thing to say, because if the person's not black,

if they're a white person, they're going to think it's cool that I thought they were black. So anyway, I listen to another one of Gregor's podcast. You had someone black made. So I just feel like, congrats on having a lot of black fans. That means you made it. Yeah. Also, you're not 100% white. So you should say that, too, because then it's less offensive.

Me? Haley is a 58-year-old white woman. Oh, yeah, I'm black, so I can, yeah, I'm a left. Yeah, sorry for making anyone uncomfortable. Now we got it. I like that you did. That guy doesn't want us to give him a shout-out. His name is Cameron, but he doesn't want a shout-out.

He just wants us to know if it will promote his brother's band called motherhood. Cool. All right. Motherhoodmusic. Bandcamp.com. There you have it. And the name that he gave himself was Cuckleberry Finn. That's good.

Wow. This guy's getting really interesting. He also named app to app. He named that song. So I feel like I said app to app. Yeah, that's what he called it. Yeah. That's all him.

So thanks Cuck Finn. Thanks motherhood. Thanks to Haley for being here. Thank you so much for having me. A long time coming. Oh my God. I feel that way. I'm glad you guys finally had me on.

Yeah, it's been too long. It has been. We've worked together. That's how we know each other. I know. Yeah. I met you guys at the same time. auditioning, like our relationship has been

a very long win, yes, through many different ways. First, I auditioned for your TV show. Which didn't happen. It didn't happen. So it's fine that you didn't get it. Yeah, okay, thank you. And then Jake played my boyfriend on Adam Wounds Everything. Oh, that's right. Yes. That did happen. Your boyfriend on

Adam ruins everything and then we got married. And then we got married on Lonely and Horny. That's right. And had a baby. And then we had a child. Yes. And we just, we're allowed to talk about it that we just filmed season two. Yes. So we're still married. We're still married.

No spoilers. Yes. And that's all I can say about that. But you've listened to the show before. So you know this is an advice podcast. Yeah. And I'm obsessed with giving advice. I used to have like an ad...

You guys remember Periscope? Yeah. Like live Twitter video? Yes. So I had an advice show on Periscope that got me almost a million hearts, which was a really big deal about this. A million. Yes. But I finally had to stop because I would spend like hours every night.

Well, I would get high first. And then I would be like my, it would be like 2 o'clock in the morning. And I would have gotten so many hearts and given so much great advice. But like my night was ruined. That's a lot of hearts. I know it's a lot of hearts. How do you know that it got a million? Because it tells you.

It'll tell you like how many hearts you collected over a time. Yeah, I'm just under a million. So don't like fucking go look. Yeah. And then no one said a million. Because here I'm seeing 994,000. Yeah. Periscope is dead.

but they do keep archives, records of the hearts that you've broken. Yes, they do, unfortunately. So, as always, these are real emails from real people, going to give them fake names, and you can help us with that, just to preserve their anonymity. This is a 20-year-old from Melbourne, so do you have a fake guy's name? We can call this guy?

Okay, Bowie. I'm naming him after my animals right now. Oh, that's cool. I'm my little black dog. He's cute. Little black. And you can say that because you're black. Yes, yes.

Very good, brother. I'm a 20-year-old from Melbourne, as I've said, and I've been going out with my girlfriend for two and a half years. This query isn't exactly about my relationship as a whole, but rather about actually the act of having coitus. I consider myself above average at sex, hashtag stay humble. But however recently, my foreplay has been out of this world. I usually go down to my girlfriend before we start putting the P into the V,

but recently she's been wanting me to stay down there for longer. I'm talking 15, 20 minutes. At this point, my tongue is becoming weak and frail. The past couple months, she's been doing this. Weak and frail tongue. The past couple of months, she seems to come every time, and after she comes, half the time she doesn't even want to have sex. And the other half of the time we have sex, she seems to not be into it at all. Is it me? Am I too good at Forplay? How do I still pleasure her, but also myself? Help, love, Bowie. Oh my God.

Just like the opening song, there's so much happening in that. There's twists and turns. Yeah. Can you be so good at oral that it ruins your sex life? No. That's an impossible thing. If you're really good at oral sex, then it just makes you want to have sex more. Yeah.

Even if you take her all the way? Yeah. Yeah. Especially. Of course. Then you really want it. Yes. But he's complaining that he's taking her all the way and then she's like,

oh, I'm done. I'm good. So I have a theory that maybe he's not. is it rude to say maybe he's not a good because I agree with you 100% so what do you think what do you think is happening of a guy that's actually not that good at sex yeah I know yeah also yeah you should never to be talking about like how great you are at head the only okay I did hook up one time with a guy who and part of the reason why I hooked up with him is because he spent a year telling me how good he was at giving head so I finally let him go down on me and it was really disappointing and his sex game was even worse whoa was it disappointing because he had built it up so much like in a vacuum was he fine and then he came came really fast twice, but tried to pretend like he didn't come. And I was like, of course, you just came and you're like trying to blame it on this other bullshit. I've done that.

What was his move? Wait, what was his? What was his moving? Yeah, what was his hiding move? Yeah, what was his hiding? Yeah, one time he was like, oh, the condom broke. Wait, what if he's listening to this? We're friends.

Yeah, I have to tell him not to listen. I'm friends with him. Yeah. We're getting more and more specifics. There was like one time, yeah, he would pretend like there wasn't a condom, like we ran out of condoms or something or, or, I can't remember what the other time was, but I remember I was like, yeah, you came, and you just don't want to say that you came.

Did you just start? Did you call him out? No, of course not. I was like, oh, so sad. But in my head, I know. There was, one time I was, like, hooking up with somebody and, like, right as I went in, I, like, immediately had to pull out.

Game over. I, like, and I didn't know, like, this was the first time I had ever prematurely ejaculated. Yeah. And the last. I wish. But I pulled it and I pulled out and I didn't say anything. It just froze.

Do you ever go to the bathroom? Is that what you did? No, I was just like sitting there like contemplating what to do. It was like, all right, how do I recover from this? And she just, and I was like, maybe she didn't notice. And she just goes, do you want a towel? No. Oh, no.

And I was like, yeah. And then we went to bed and I never, that was it. What was that girl? What was her name? Say their name? Say her name. Say her name. Say her name.

But I got better as I got older at hiding. At hiding. At least I thought I did until. now and you told and no don't come up with excuses because it's like we know at least i at least i know like hiding you you came up with excuses hiding that you did ejaculate or hiding that you're about to that i did or that i was about to that i like needed more time but no you all i think for me it was always safer to just orgasm try to hide that that happened and get and get it back up because like once you start like doing some time though right well recharge oh so you would like go down on her

or something and then go again. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Also, I always feel like if you're prematurely ejaculating, you're so riled up that like you'll probably be able to go again. To do it again. It's not like that you're really not going to be able to. To me, that makes pre-coming way less offensive if you're ready to do it again.

Like it's only annoying if it's like you pre-come and then that's it. Oh, then I'm going to be like secretly in a bad mood. Oh, like done for the night. I think the older I get, the more I, under like I think that prematurely ejaculating it's totally it actually is okay you know that thing it happens a lot of the guys it's a compliment it's well you can't you can I think it is I don't for one second why you don't think it's hot there it's because they're so churned on by you that they can't handle it anymore you think it's just selfish I don't have that much of an ego but how else

are you supposed to spin it that this guy just that's what it is it's just spinning it's just it's just it's more of a physical thing that happened to the guy well it's because it feels so good it's not like it felt so bad that I that I that somebody came. Okay. I dated a guy for several years that pre-came literally, like, every time we had sex. And I wanted to break up with him. Well, I loved him, and he was really good to me, and he's a very nice person.

But I remember. You also listen to the podcast. Yeah, what's his name? What was his name again? I remember being like, I felt really bad breaking up with someone because we weren't having good sex, you know? So I stayed in this relationship for, like, years. It's a viable reason to break up.

Yeah. And eventually I did. And then I overcorrected and started dating like a total asshole, but we had sex all the time. Oh, in a good way. I'm already giving way too much to you. I love how open and honesty are. Can you imagine if I was high on my couch right now on Periscope? This is why I had to fucking quit Periscope because I told people everything.

You're getting too many hearts right now. Wait, so, yeah, this guy, I think when he calls himself, he has a steel tongue and then in the next sentence says that after 15 minutes is weak and frail. I think there's a chance his tongue is not. No way. And are you looking at the clock? Like, how do you, like, just, just keep doing it. Don't complain. Don't act like you're over it. What would you say? Keep fucking doing it until she comes. Is 15 to 20 minutes, is that on the longer end in your experience?

As a woman. I mean, sometimes it can take some time to come, right? Is that, I don't know. I'm not talking about sex time. I'm talking about a guy going down on you. Yeah, I feel like. Fifteen minutes seems like a lot to me, but maybe for you, it's like average. For coming? Oh, no, for a guy going down on you. No, if you're trying, there's difference. If you're trying to get, like, aroused from oral sex to, like, lead you into some fucking, or if you're trying to, like, get someone off with oral sex. Yeah.

Which, well, that's the best, though. If they get you off with oral sex and then you fuck. So, like, ideally, both of them. But that's not something that happens to guys. Like, if somebody blew me to completion and then we're like, and now we're ready to fuck, I would be like, I need time. Right. But women's bodies are different.

For me, that's the idea. Like, I want you to eat my pussy. I come. And then we five. Wow. And then I come again. The double. Come again?

Come again. And that is also for a gentleman trying to give a woman a good heterosexual, like a good heterosexual experience. That's the ideal too. Eating somebody out until they come. Oh, that is the ideal for guys. Yeah, that's the best. Okay. But I guess I wonder if this girl is,

Is she not actually coming? Oh, yeah, because they're young too. She's saying that she, like, oh, okay, I came and now that's it. She doesn't want to fuck him. I hope that she's really, I hope for her sake that she's really coming. I think what he needs to do is sit down with her and have like a really frank conversation. And hopefully they're both mature enough and are comfortable enough with each other, especially if they've been going out for like what two years it said.

Two years of 20. That they can be, that they can be honest. Fuck, man, that's so young. Like, I think I definitely, when I was like 19 and 20, thought I was having orgasms when I wasn't really having orgasm. Well, you were faking yourself? I was faking myself out, yeah. Oh.

I think I just, like, wanted to have one and, like, it felt good. So there would be, like, a feeling that I'd be like, oh, okay, this is coming. And then when I actually had an orgasm, I was like, oh, no, this is coming. Got it. So the phrase of, like, you know, I can still have, it still feels good, even though I don't orgasm is true. It can still feel good without the orgasm. Yeah, but it is like, I don't think, well, now I would be like, I didn't come.

Like, I want to come. You know what I mean? Like, I fucked to come. So if you got. That is what your shirt says. That's a really offensive shirt that you wear to Starbucks. Can we title the podcast, I fuck to come? Yes.

And vice versa. Oh, yeah. I've come to fuck. Yes. Yeah. That's like what a Russian says. I come to fuck. Oh, my God.

That's been... Yeah, they just need to talk about it, don't you think? Yeah, communication, as always, is the answer. Yeah, communication outside of the bedroom helps make communication in the bedroom better. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's nice. And just like a tough reality check that this guy, the problem is not that you're too much of a Casanova.

If your girlfriend doesn't want to fuck you, the problem is not because you're too good at it. Yeah, yeah. Okay, if that's his main question, that has never, ever, ever happened. and that someone was too good at giving head that they didn't want to fuck after. Also, I really, he needs to really stop complaining about this 15 to 20 minute thing. For me, I'm going to say that's normal. I think 50 minutes is fine. Yeah, it is.

Yeah. I think 20 minutes is fine. But after that, my next is going to start to hurt. And I think it's going to be diminishing returns. I'll stay. I will stay down there until somebody tells me. Yeah, three days. And so someone like taps me and tells me to come up.

Yes. For air. I've seen you with a little scuba mask down there. Oh yeah, I have flippers for some room. All right, did we answer this guy's question? I think so. But you know what's weird? I feel like guys always talk about how they fuck,

but I never really hear anybody talk about how they eat somebody out. What do you mean? Like, oh, somebody's bragging about being good at it? Yeah, like with the Rosenbergs, we used to show each other like our sexual positions. And I don't think I've ever like heard a guy describe in detail how they, Oh, maybe streeter. You've never grabbed a guy's palm and then say, this is how I eat a girl out and then do it on their palm just so that you can feel it.

This is because we live in a patriarchal society where a woman's pleasure has always come second. Wow. So it's not like a point of... It wasn't. It's not like a bragging point to be like, and this is how I went down on... Yeah, I can't tell you how many guys have... Don't care if I have... I've fucked so many guys who don't care if I've come on.

not. Yeah, because when guys ask guys how many times they've had sex, they've never said, how many times did the other girl really like it? Right, exactly. Yeah, like your number is just about how often you've come, not necessarily how many times they've come. Exactly. Interesting. And I think a lot of guys think that it's like, that there's something wrong with like going down on a girl, like, that it's like, what's the word? It's like emasculating. Right. Or do you guys know? Well, I mean, I don't feel like that. Yeah. But have you heard that some guys feel that way?

I don't know. I guess I don't know if I've heard that any guy feels emasculated by going down on somebody. Okay. But I have definitely never heard of it as like a point of pride. Okay. It feels like it's more blowjob and fucking that is like, that's like what people would tell their friends about. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's, again, because the woman's pleasure a lot of times is not of, or if the woman's pleasure is important, It's to make the guy have a bigger ego. It's not like, I just love you and I want you to feel good. It's like, I want to be able to tell people that I made my bitch come five times. So, like, if you went, if your number of, like, sex partners was based only on orgasms you've had instead of people you've actually, like, fucked. Do you think you would, like, have it, quarter it? What percentage of sex is you orgasming? Well, well, now I know my body, like, so.

well that I just come every time. So even if somebody sucked at sex, you would be able to? I think I have a strong enough personality that I just wouldn't let them stop eating my pussy's like. I can't breathe. Yeah, I'm like pretty, I guess I'm like pretty, pretty vocal about it. So, but I don't know. That's hard to say because I've been in a couple long-term relationships.

So what was the, it was like how many sex partners versus like coming? me. Yeah, like if you counted based on orgasms you've had with individual people instead of... Well, it used to be, too, that, like, when I was in my early 20s, I, if I wasn't in a serious relationship with someone or we were, like, newer sleeping together, it would definitely take me, like, longer to come or I wouldn't come, because I guess I just was more in my head or not confident. Now it would be easier for me to, like, come if I even if I didn't know you. Yeah. Interesting. It feels like almost the opposite for guys. like if somebody is new and exciting, you come way too fast.

Right. And then like, I wonder if that's related. Maybe. Are girls and guys different? Women are from Venus. I really think they are. And I'm from your anus. Let me show you how I eat a pussy.

This is how I came out of your asshole. I want that to be a thing where guys compare their pussy eating notes. That's good. I really think grab someone's punch. and show them. Do you guys really draw the alphabet on a clip? Is that a real thing? That was real advice that I received from at the very least an American Pie movie.

Oh, that's from American Pie. Was it American Pie? Wasn't it American Pie too, maybe? I might as see, I also got that advice, but I can't remember if it was American Pie or if my friend Jake O'Donnell told me. I would say that's probably not good advice, right? I mean, I don't know. I've never concentrated enough to be like if they're drawing the alphabet, but it seems like

weird advice. I guess I would have to agree. It sort of feels like it would take you out at the moment to be like spelling stuff. And also like personally, I think that there's something to like a rhythm that is good. And like all of the letters are sort of, they're all over the place. You're right. That's what it is. It's totally like that.

Also I hum the alphabet. That might feel good though. That would feel good. Yeah, you got to sing the song. Probably better than using your tongue just humming. Yeah. Because otherwise it's hard to remember the order. Yeah.

It's like L, N, and then something, something, something, Q. It's not LN. Yeah, L, L. L. Right. See, this is where a fuck. Can you just, like, write off the bat, say what goes after I? F or G. Oh, wow.

What is it? It's P. J. Oh, yeah. Well, P is after I for sure. For sure. Yeah. This shouldn't be that hard.

All right. So I'll give you two letters you tell me if they're before or after each other. Ready? A and R. Which comes first. Same. Same exact time. Trick questions. It's that weird W thing

where they happen at the same time. All right, let's try to answer another question. But we did a good job with that one, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. Talk, communicate. You're not a Casanova. Yeah, get over yourself just a little bit.

And if you need problems communicating, just write her a letter with your tongue against her vagina. All right, next question. Wait, what if people, no. You know when you used to draw on your friends back in middle school, being like, what am I writing on your back?

Yes. So it's like a little telephone. game. It's like, what am I spelling out with my mouth? Yeah. On your clitoris. Whoa, I would not go there. Actually, let's take a break since we're at the halfway point of the show already. Wow.

Wait, we, no way. Yeah, we're over 20 minutes deep. No. Is that for real? When we come back, we have to answer more questions. Okay, we'll try to answer some more questions. We did a deep dive, pun intended. We'll be back with more questions, answer.

and some unsolicited advice. And we're back. It's time for some. Oh, it's elicited. Gross. So that's the thing that we use every week now? Yeah, that's from Lars. All right.

That's forever. We still haven't gotten one better than that. See if you could beat that America. So Haley, this is the time of the show. This is very new for us. So I don't blame me if you haven't heard this yet. But Jake and I offer unsolicited advice, something that is not necessarily people asked for,

but just something we like to tell people to help improve themselves. Cool. Do you have, this is our first ever guest unsolicited advice. Yeah. If you have something. This is a brand new segment. I'm not going to tell you what I think you're going to do, but I'm going to write it on my phone. Okay, okay, okay. I'm so excited.

Like some sort of charade game. Like, I think this is what she is, I think this is going to be Haley's advice. Okay, okay. We're very, very close. I'm so excited for this. All right. All right, I'm ready. It's completely the opposite.

Go vegan. Is that what it was? No. I want to show him here what I wrote. Eat more meat. I don't even know. I want to know what that is. Wait, what is it?

I want to know what that is. Pussy crystals. Oh, pussy crystals are really big in my life. All right. Talk very quickly about going vegan and then spend a lot more time on quote-unquote pussy crystals. It feels like so fucked up. I mean, that was fair.

It did not come out of nowhere. It didn't come out of anyway. I've been spending all week on my Instagram talking about pussy crystals, which if you're a woman listening to this, buy a crystal and put it in your pussy. They're called noni eggs or whatever. I just bought mine for the first time

I spent $65. You haven't used it yet. I haven't used it yet. This feels like how I felt buying a bidet. A bedet. I was just like thinking about it. What is a bidet but an anal crystal? Wait, but what is a pussy crystal?

Okay, so it's this thing called a noni egg, which I guess is based in like ancient Chinese Pussy. Pussy. Ancient Chinese Pussy. Oh my God. Are they going to come for us for saying that? So you put it in your vagina and all the good things from the crystals, if that's something you believe in, you're really soaking it up because it's inside you. But also it really helps strengthen your pelvic floor and your lower abdominal muscles and all this other stuff. So I love crystals. Oh, so it's got like science and spiritual. Exactly. Got it. So something for everybody.

Exactly. I love crystals. I love my pussy. So I love pussy crystals. And I can't wait to get mine in the mail. Pussy crystals, by the way, is Billy Crystal's stripper name. Okay, that's a great, that's a great tip. And you can actually speak from experience once you get the crystals. I don't want you to start promoting them. Yeah, please have me back on. Because what if you end up not liking them?

No, I'm going to love it. I already know. How long do they stay in you? So, someone, oh, that's another thing. Going vegan is so great for like the environment, for your health. When you put the crystals in pussy? When? And where and for how long?

So I feel like you can keep it. Someone told me 30 minutes, but to me that seems too sparingly. Like, I want to always have the pussy. I want to have the pussy in my crystal for the day. You want the default to be crystal pussy. And many people hit me up when I was talking about it on Instagram and we're like, oh, I love my, I love mine. So this is like a real thing. Wow.

Yeah, a lot of my followers have these things already. Yeah. Amazing. I know. I'm so excited. So mine is called the Carnelian. And the carnialian is a type of like crystal. Why do you have a specific one?

Because there's different. So there's like a jade one. Everybody's vaginas are different. But everybody's that's that they need. Everyone's vaginas are different. What's my birth? What's my birth? I don't know.

When's your birth? Oh, you just had your birthday. Yeah, January. Oh, yeah. That's a birth stone. Is this a stone or no crystal? Oh, this is different. I think some of them are.

I think some of them are. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe that's a ruby. A ruby or a jade. Like my character, a loony and horny. Is that why you guys gave?

him that name? No, but... But it should be. If I have kidney stones and I pass that, is that the male equivalent of a pussy crystal? Yeah, it is. Yeah. On a urethrum rock. All right, why do you like being vegan or whatever?

Okay, so like it's totally changed my entire life. I feel so much better, not just physically, mentally and spiritually, but also, like, remember that video of the polar bear that was, like, dying? Yeah. It was so sad. Like, I obviously felt really sad when I saw that video. but I also felt so much better knowing that I'm not contributing to that. Like the-

Killing polar bear, starving. To starving. Because factory farming, which is the way that all of our meat and dairy is produced, is the number one pollutant more than all the cars, all the forms of transportation combined. So it's like worse than any than the cars, trains, airplanes, all of it together. So. How long have you been vegan?

I've been vegan for nine years. Not a drop of anything? Not a drop of anything. Do you miss cheese? I don't miss anything because I just eat vegan cheese. And here's another thing, you only crave what you eat. So once you stop eating that stuff and you find really good substitutes, that's what you end up craving. I have so much more energy.

Verify. I mean, I just feel more positive more of the time. Do you, if you could, not I guess you could, but if you had one, you were forced to cheat, what would you eat? Like nothing that was, that people would think was good. Got it. No, because it's just gross to me. Yeah. I would want to eat the littlest tiniest, like, I wouldn't go.

A Christmas ham. Like, exactly. I would never want that because it's disgusting. Anything that people think is good, I wouldn't want. Nothing, nothing is appealing to you at all. No, it's disgusting because I know what it is. Because we give cute names to these meat. We call it a hamburger, you know?

Or a slider if it's small. A little cute little slider. Okay, a hamburger has pieces of 300 different cows in it. That's why when people get sick or there's E. coli, it spreads so far and it's so easy because the ground beef is just so many different types. So I wonder how many pieces of cow a slider has, maybe 150. Yeah, if it's half to me. They usually come with three sliders.

And I would like cheeseburger and chili cheese fries on the side, please. Can I have a glass of whole milk? Thank you. Being vegan to me was, like, I spent a couple years being vegetarian. Oh, cool. And then, like, off and on for the last few years, I would go, like, mostly a vegetarian and then, like, some meat here and there. Okay.

But I think it was, like, the vigilance. How do you, like, stay on top of your shit? I just do it. And if I'm a mess, I'm a mess. So I feel like if anyone can do it, I can do it. Yeah. So there's so many places to eat around town. almond milk, you get in that almond milk?

I love almond milk. Cereal, delicious. I drink soy milk, too, because it has a lot of B vitamins in it. Soy milk got a bad rap for a while. It did get a bad rap. but anything to me is better than regular milk. Oh my God. Have you guys seen that Olympic commercial for milk?

It's so fucking stupid. It's this commercial for the Olympics and they're like, 9 out of 10 Olympic athletes grew up drinking milk. And it's like no shit. Everyone grew up fucking drinking milk. Are you kidding? If you're old enough to get in the Olympics now, then you grew up in what, like the 90s?

Yeah. Yeah, for a long time, like all the baseball players smoked cigarettes. Yeah. That doesn't mean it was good. Exactly. Anyway, I hate that commercial. There's a movement of NBA players that are going vegan.

I know. And football players. Yeah. Yeah, it's the wave, the wave of the future. Where are you getting protein? I'm down. Everywhere. Protein is in everything. First of all, Americans have too much protein, which leads to osteoporosis. Second of all, like 50 calories worth of spinach has more protein than 50 calories worth of meat. So that's all a fallacy. Like green leafy vegetables have so much protein. Do you have to love vegetables to be a vegan? No, I actually need to eat more vegetables. Yeah, I don't really like vegetables. So I'm afraid of just eating salads all the time.

Yeah, no, oh my God, like one of my most annoying things is when I go to set or whatever, I'm somewhere, and they're like, we got you some vegan food and it's like just a salad. I will actually be like trying to fight back tears because I love eating. I get so. You know I can have rice, right? I know. I can eat pasta. There's so much good vegan food other than just like a boring salad. Yeah, you can have.

I'm in it for that, like the fake meat. Yeah, that shit is good. You like fake meat? I like the beyond beef burgers. That one is really good. You eat in the Impossible Burger? I'm into the Impossible Burger. I feel like I eat everything.

Like when people are like, what do you eat? I'm like, I don't know. I literally eat everything anybody eats. I just eat a vegan version of it. If you ate a cheeseburger right now, would you, would something happen to your body in a bad way? I would probably get really sick. Really? I think so.

I haven't had, because also it's not just the meat. There's all those antibiotics and hormones and this and that. I think my body would freak out. And you're taking blood tests and stuff and they're like, this is great. Yeah, I used to be anemic before I went vegan. Isn't that crazy? So you got more protein when you stopped eating meat. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe I'll try it for a month and see what happens. You can do meatless Monday. I think people get annoyed when they hear that they should go vegan. And it's because they know in their heart that they should. Exactly. It's like, give me eggs. It's certainly just me eggs. Can I have eggs?

Eggs are fine. I don't have an omelet. Please. Give me a freaking omel. A tiny bit of eggs. of bacon in the morning. Wait, what if, what if I have a chicken and he's naturally in the backyard and he's laying eggs?

So that's more like the philosophy of the thing. And then he dies and I could have chicken fingers. Oh my God. That's, you know, that's disgusting. If you do have a chicken and he lays its own eggs. Okay, here's the thing. Or she lays its own eggs, right? This is a philosophy.

So there's different philosophies towards being vegan. So obviously having eggs from your backyard is exponentially better than getting eggs from like a factory farmer. even cage-free eggs and stuff, because all of that are, those are all terms made by the FDA just to help them make more money. So cage-free is what you think. They could have the option of leaving if they could find a door to the cage. It's a little, little tiny opening that's like an inch by an inch, but there are so many chicks in

those cages that they can't even get out. And their cages are disgusting and blah, blah. So all of these, like, when you think like free range, that's all a lie. You think you're spending more money for something that you think you're doing, but you're not. But anyway, if I had a chicken, I personally would not eat the eggs only because my philosophy is that animals are not here for our benefit, which I know sounds crazy because they can give us warm if we were out in the woods or some shit like that. But in today's society, we don't need animals like that.

So I view animals more as like they're here for us to love and protect and not to use something from. But again, if you have a chicken in your backyard eating the eggs as way, better than any other option. Right. Cool. Yeah. So I can, I'll have the eggs from the backyard.

Anyone who thought I was cool from talking about my pussy earlier is going to hate me now. They're going to be like, this bitch is not that cool. Beacons are going to love you, though. And we actually never talk about it because me and Jake do eat meat and cheese, like a bunch of carnivorous assholes who are here to consume the earth. And neither of us use pussy crystals either. All right, what question should we answer here? Nudes should we answer sex dream about a friend, roommate poop gate, perhaps?

Roommate poop gate, pretty solid. Okay, roommate poop gate is from a lady. I'm already so scurmy because I hate, I don't even want to say the word. Poop? The P word. Wow, you don't like it. Oh, my God. Wow.

Is this going to make you too uncomfortable? No, I'm into it. I want to hear it, but I'm so squirmy right now. We need a 22-year-old female name who's living with three roommates. Spirit. Is that a cat's name? It's a good name. Thank you.

Spirit rights. Yeah. Spirit rights. I'm a 22-year-old female living with three roommates who have known for about five months. Although we haven't known each other for that long, we get along super well. However, one roommate did something so shameless the other day.

I'm still quite shook. In our apartment, there are two bathrooms, so each person sort of has a designated bathroom that they share with the other person. The other morning, I was going about my regular routine getting ready for work. I stepped out of my room and surprised my roommate who was standing in the door to her bathroom,

obviously about to take a shower. I said hello and went about my business. A couple minutes later, I am planning on brushing my teeth and heading straight out the door for work. But my roommate is in my bathroom, even though hers is empty. Why could this be? Well, after she vacates the bathroom, I head in there to brush my teeth and surprise, I learn it's because she absolutely bombed my bathroom with what I know were vodka shits.

Ew! Why would she do this in a bathroom that wasn't her own, you ask? So she wouldn't have to withstand her own fucking wretched facts. foulness while she took her shower. This shameless, borderline sociopathic behavior makes me believe she's either evil or stupid or both. Either way, I'm concerned. So I'm wondering, should I confront her about this? Should I hold it on to this case in case I need blackmail?

Or is this the behavior of someone who's so unashamed? They wouldn't even care anyway. Let me know what you would do in your situation and how to approach this, or if something like this has ever happened to you. Thanks a lot. Love Spirit. I like the way she writes. Yeah. It's a nice little story.

She's going to move to L.A. and sell a TV show. And that could be the pilot. Poop Gate. Has something like this ever happened to you? No way. Okay, hold on. If her roommate actually pooped in her bathroom because she was about to take a shower, she needs to move out immediately.

Oh, really? That's grounds for expulsion. That is so far to... But I'm wondering if Spirit only thinks that was the reason, but maybe there was another reason. Maybe her roommate was out of toilet paper. Oh, interesting. Maybe the toilet was backed up.

Benefit of the doubt. Maybe she already did shit in that bathroom and she clogged it and she had to go to the other one. Yeah. That's a possibility. Also vodka shits? I didn't even know that was a... Yeah.

It's what you didn't want to say poop and then she just immediately drops of vodka shits. One of the reasons I picked this question actually is because I think that you are the roommate in this situation. Oh, I will shit in a different bathroom. This is something that you would not even blink at. And I sort of got that even from your reading the question or your reaction to Haley thinking that it was a move out of the offense. So you're saying I'm the type of person who would shit in the other toilet or not care that somebody shit in my toilet? You're the type of person that would shit in somebody else's toilet and not think twice about it.

Yeah, I don't think of like, because I'll fart in public, I'll fart in an elevator, I'll fart on an airplane. Why? Because I see it's so mad at Amir when he would fart on it. I'd be sitting next to him and it would smell so rank. Because I think keeping it in is asking somebody to keep it in is selfish. Can you go to the bathroom? No, because, oh my God, I don't even want to.

It's so. Because like smelling farts, I think is part of life. Haley, this is what I deal with. Is this that insane? That's actually fecal matter that you're smelling. That's why it smells. Yeah. Putting fecal matter into the air.

Holding it is actually really bad for you. Okay, but that's just for you. So if I'm on an airplane, what am I supposed to do? Subject 200 other people to your... But that smell comes and goes. So it's like, I'm sorry, you have to deal with a stench a little bit, but it's actually alleviating the stink. In an airplane, it doesn't really go. People just get used to it.

Yeah. No, it goes, it goes. But you don't mind smelling other people's farts? I mean, I don't like it, obviously, but at the same time, I don't be grudge somebody from farting. But I've never shot so hard that it smells in the bathroom like forever. Like you shit, it goes underwater and then you flush, you light a match or whatever. We have put-pery downstairs. I don't think it's like such a thing where I'm smelling your shit for so long and it's the worst thing in the world.

That being said, since I don't think of the smell of shit, I wouldn't shit in somebody else's toilet to avoid shitting in mine. Right, right. Yeah. I don't think that you would. It just the smell of poop and shit doesn't phase me or to the point where I'm being. But also the idea of subjecting someone to your smell doesn't... Like sociopathic. Yeah, that doesn't occur to you either.

You're not like, you're not like, oh, this person shouldn't have to smell my shit. You're like, this person can smell my shit, don't get over. Yeah, it's like that part is a little bad, but the good I feel when I have to fart and I can fart, I always prefer to fart. Only if it's silent or will you do like an audible fart? It will do such a loud fart. Oh, my God. Well, on an airplane, it's so loud you can fart as loud as you want. on, nobody can hear you scream.

It's like in space. You could fart. Nobody can hear you fart. People can feel it. You think the vibration? I think you can feel the vibration. So you would actually get mad at him, Jake, like you'd be like, Amir, you just farted. Yeah.

I used to, on plans all the time, like, turned to him and be like, what is wrong with you? I'll do this. All right. So I would say probably I would not mention anything. Would you mention something right off the bat or would you be non-confrontational, let it go and see if she does it again? I'm, I guess I think that what she did, was reprehensible, but I don't think, I think the very, like, the part of me that thinks that is disgusting is like the non-confrontational.

Yeah. Like, I don't want to confront somebody with my shit, so I also don't want to confront someone about their shit. I would... Deep. Thank you. I would wait and see if it persists. If it's like a, if it's a problem that's happening over and over, if it's habitual.

If she does it more than once, then... I mean, I think right now you don't necessarily have a problem. You have like a one-off. You have an egregious act that can be forgiven and you can find some way to like slight her. And you'll feel better and she won't really even notice, you know? Yeah. Like you just pee on her floor or something. Oh, that's nice.

That's a nice little tit for tat. Definitely don't do that. A piss for pat. And Haley, you're moving out right away. No, I'm doing the same thing as you guys. Like I have very strong feelings, but I'm also really. non-confrontational. So I would text everyone in my phone book about it. I would

in my head never let it go but my roommate would never know. That's cool. I could, there's not, right, but like there's some sort of like getting back to her some way that it's kind of Oh yeah. Oh no, I wouldn't want it to get back her. I would die if it got back to her. I would only text my friends that like we didn't have in common. But if it happened again, I would be like

I don't know, maybe we get a lock on my, on my different kind of block or something. Put even like a tiny little obstacle for her to have to go over before she shits in your bathroom. The bigger thing is just try not to have so many roommates. I don't mean that in a classist way. I don't know how much money this person has, but maybe there's a smaller place. People spend so much money to live in places with a ton of roommates. I'm like, you could get a smaller apartment somewhere else.

Four roommates? Yeah, that's a lot. If you're not in college. One final thought is that take the toilet paper into your room. Take the toilet Oh Yeah Oh But that's so college door

I know I know I know You gotta pay to play And then charge per square If somebody uses your shit Oh you know what else This is only if she keeps on doing it

I think we lay a trap Yes I think you turn off the water In the toilet So she has to Like come and find you And be like Hey I lit up your bathroom

And the toilet's broken Yeah Or what if she didn't even do. I think it's the same answer as the first time. Communication. If it happens again, which I think is a big if, because this person would have to be fat shit crazy. Then you just go, why are you using my bathroom? Yeah. Why is it always during the vodka shits that you accidentally forget to use your own bathroom? All right. So we're sort of, there's a consensus here. Don't say anything unless it persists, in which case you say talk to her. I say lay a trap.

All right. Let's answer one more question. Okay. This is from a dude who's a college student. Do you have another pet? Iggy. Wow, how many pets do you have? Three. Thank God we didn't answer a fourth question. All right, great. Hey guys, I'm a college student getting ready to spend this upcoming semester in New York City.

After a few weeks of apartment hunting, I found an online listing from this young woman looking for a roommate. The place was perfect. Great location, affordable, dope amenities. The place even has a fucking balcony. Here's the issue. The topest amenity of all. When I messaged the girl about rooming together, she voiced, your concern about having a guy room with her and that makes her uncomfortable. I told her not to worry.

I'm gay. So, she accepted and I'll be moving in with her in the next coming days. The only thing is, I'm actually straight as fuck. I need to know how I can keep up this ruse. How am I going to bring woman back to my room without my cover getting blown? Is there any way to make her the bad guy if she ever tries to question my true sexuality? Also, is this crossing some sort of moral line? I don't see a way I could ever come cleanter at this point. I need help. Thanks, love, Iggy. I think this is the plot of Three's Company. Oh, the landlord, Mr. Furley, doesn't let Jack Ritter live with two female roommates because it's like unconscionable to do that in the 70s. So he says, don't worry, I'm gay, pretends to be gay for the duration of the show. And but look how much has changed

since that show was on the air. Yeah, now this guy's pretending to be gay just to live with the girl. This, it seemed borderline. I'm glad that we have a girl on the podcast. Yeah, this is so incredibly fucked up. No, seriously, if a guy did this to me, I would, I don't personally, I'm not like a person who calls the police just for other reasons. Oh, you call the police. I wouldn't call the police because I'm black, so they would shoot me instead.

But anyway, I would, I would want to, yeah, that's a different show. I would want to, I would be, this is a form of, I don't even know what the word is. What's the word that I'm like for? Oh my God. Not assault, but like it's so deeply, morally wrong. It's, uh. But more than that because it's, it's hurtful to the woman. We don't know if this woman has been raped before.

We don't know when, and chances are she has, because if you look at statistics of women who are sexually abused, they're so high. what I mean. There's a reason. She has her personal boundaries. Yeah. So she said, I don't want to live with a guy. I'm concerned about it. Yeah. This is the exact kind of thing that she, you're the guy that she is scared of. Yeah. Exactly. But what if this guy is just this really sweet guy like me? And he's like, I have to lie just to get in. No, to not respect her boundaries is so unacceptable. There's Airbnb. There's so many other things. He thinks that he's going to be bringing women home, like good luck. It's also New York City.

And women in New York City sound way smarter than guys like you. Wow. You're a lot meaner to this guy than I would have been personally. I'm PMSing to this. I'm letting it go. So am I. That's what all of our comments are on Reddit will say. It's hard to argue with that.

I was going to say, ah, you can lie for a little bit and then eventually tell her the truth. But then you bring up such issues as maybe she was sexually assaulted. And to do this is borderline illegal, let alone morally irreprehensible. I feel a little bit bad. Yeah. Well, you're, Haley's not wrong.

But it's funny that like, we would think of this. Oh, this sounds like the beginning of a romantic comedy. Yeah, it's a silly little thing to get in there. But no,

but if that's also another thing, though, that has been more, like a discussion is that a lot of the basis of, romantic comedies have been things that really align with like rape culture and guys being aggressive

and even family matters, like Urkel hitting on Laura until he wears her down to say no. and how culture is shifting and that's not okay anymore. If a woman says no, just accept that. Wow, even Urkel. Even Urkel. In Revenge of the nerds, the main character, like, straight up rape somebody.

Really? The nerd, they're like, they're in a dark room and the girl thinks that he's her boyfriend and they have sex. Oh, my God. The lights come on and she realizes it's the nerd and she's like, oh, you were even better or something. That's not even borderline rape. That is race. Yeah, that's kind of insane. He needs to, if she, oh, my God.

People listen to this show for advice and to be educated. This guy was, I think the silver lining here is that this dude, his question wasn't, how do I tell her I'm straight and then eventually fuck her? Yeah. Like his thing was like, how do I make sure she's not mad at me when I bring other women home? Yeah, you're being nice. You're spinning it because that was so mean. No, no, I think you're, I mean, you're well within your rights to be very mean to him. I think he deserves it.

I think you can't live with this person. No, it's just... But I don't think you need to turn yourself into the authorities. I think you were just very, very... What about coming clean? Be like, by the way, I'm not actually gay. We have to do that before you move in. But he'd already moved in.

At this point, what should he do? I don't even know. You go... I'm great at apologizing. No one's better at apologizing than me. You have to pack all of your bags. Whoa. This is after you've spent sometimes...

time as a great roommate, you pack up all your bags and you say, I have to tell you something, I'm not gay, I just really love the balcony. But I can be by for the night. And I will leave this afternoon. And you got to be ready if she's like, no, it's okay. You can stay. Do you think she would ever say that? Is there a human that would? Only in a world, well, I don't know. I think if you packed the bags, I think that she might say that it was okay. No, I don't know. Because she chose you're really ready to leave. I mean, even if they got along really great, I think that there's still a part of me that would be like, I don't even know who you are. Like, the person who I have become friendly with would do that to me.

Just a guy that loves the amenities of the building. Oh, my God. Fuck it. Can I sleep on the balcony for 80 bucks a night? Jesus. You won't even see me. And I am by. Yeah, that's what I'm, more than packing the bags, you'd have to be like, here's

three months worth of rent. Like, just totally paid. Oh, wow. It's just, it's such a personal, it's such a personal boundary. A pack and pay. With more than preference, it has to do about safety and psychological well. well-being, which is why I'm taking it so seriously. Yeah.

So he has to move out and she keeps the security deposit. Yeah. I really, I don't think I fucked anything up is all I get back, don't you think? That's a different issue. This thing was here. I mean, I broke a little bit of that wall, but I think I could fix it for less than the cash that I gave you. I can't stress this enough, though, I am by.

You could also, yeah, you could just try to be by. So I guess one is taking advantage of someone who's obviously suffering from very severe trauma and in like being implicit to some illegal behavior. And the other one is that you can be by. That was your advice. That was your advice. I said pack. I said pack and apologize. Back pay and apologize.

But your idea of packing was even packing so that she lets you stay. Yeah. But that's the thing. You just have to leave. I think you have to, I think the apology has to be. You have to, it's like, she might call the bluff. She might actually make you leave. But that's my issue is that it shouldn't be a bluff.

Like, he needs to go, I lied. Actually has to leave. Yeah, even if you want me to stay, I let. Yeah. What about a dummy pack? So she's like, you can actually stay. And then you tilt over your duffel bag. You're like, it was filled with shredded newspapers.

I knew you wouldn't have the heart to kick me out. I think it has to be a genuine pack. I kissed a guy once in summer school. Not even camp. straight up math class Wait, did you really? No, of course not But see, I can act that

I can say that You could, yeah You could All right, good That was a good And don't hate me person I'm sorry I was rough on you But now you're right

You need to be rough And we're not as rough As we should be on people Sometimes self-love Now I'm worried They're gonna write a bunch of mean comments About me online They will, of course they will

But I don't know their real name But I think you're gonna win In the long run Okay Yeah You want people to write Mean comments about you today because they'll be on the wrong side of history.

That's very true. That's very true. And to be fair, I don't think this guy is a bad guy. I think he's just not understanding the severity and the magnitude of the situation. Yeah, and I would say I'm the same way I didn't understand the severity or magnitude of the situation. Not that I would do this, but at the same time I wouldn't look at this and say, oh my God, what he's doing is so illegal. Okay. Yeah, I don't know that it's actually illegal.

I just meant like I would want to call an authority. Yeah. And then I think that that is part of it too, that like you shouldn't really be worried about consequences. You should be worried about feelings. The karma police. Respecting the other person's boundaries. Yeah, just like doing the right thing and making somebody feel safe in their own house. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. All right, before we run out of time, is there anything you wanted to say or promote or talk about now that we have literally hundreds of people listening? to this episode. Hi, babies. And the people who still like you really like you. Yeah. Shout out to all the vegans out there. Are your listeners predominantly dudes?

Probably. They're probably like meat eating dudes. They're like, fuck this, man. Yeah, all of them love steak, and they love pretending to be gay. And you just told them they can't do it anymore. I like steak and I like gay. Sorry. Okay.

Well, I'm in the second season of Lonely and Horny. Hell yeah. Very exciting. But we're not allowed to say yet. where it's going to air. That's correct. We don't know where we're yet. But you can go watch the first season.

On Vimeo at lowly and horny.com. But you have to promote something that is... That we're not in. Yeah. That kind of does promotion for me and Amir. Yeah. Which is awesome. Thank you.

You're welcome. I am on CBS's new show Living Biblically, which is coming out, I think, like February 26 is when the C is... Oh, maybe it's after that. But that's when the series starts. So it's a mid-season replacement. I play opposite Tony Rock, who's amazing.

And the show is awesome. It's produced by Johnny Galecki and directed by Andy Ackerman, who's like... Actually, I think it was created by another Headgum podcaster. Really? Yeah, Patrick Walsh. Yeah, I love Patrick. See You in Hell. A horror film podcast on Headgum created the show.

Oh my God, I love Patrick. He's amazing. He's super, super fun. Okay, cool. Well, I get to do a really fun episode of that. I'm recurring on Alone together, Free Forms New Show. Wow. You're busy.

I'm really busy, yeah. And you could find me on Instagram at Hips Lips and Fingertips. Very nice. Check out that Pussy Crystal review. Hashtag Pussy Crystals. And then Twitter is X-O-H-L-M-Rie. Haley-L-E-Y. Do you ever go by just Haley Norman?

No. Yeah, I never heard that. Yeah, I don't use it. What about Haley Marie? I don't like when people call me that. I like, okay, so you can just call me Haley, or if you're going to say anything more than Haley, then it should be Haley-M-R-N-R-M-M-M-R-M-M-M-M-Ramon.

or it should be HMN, which is my favorite. HMN, really? Doesn't it sound so cool? Yeah, especially when you're putting crystals near your HMN. It makes a lot of sense to say it like that. Well, thanks so much for coming by and dispensing your wisdom. Thank you for having me. If you have your own questions, your own theme song, or your own unsolicited advice stinger,

the email address for all of that is If I Were You Show at gmail.com. Opening theme song was the app to app. This closing one is a sunrise sunset parody from Fiddler on the Roof. How's that for two different theme songs? Drake is Jewish. He is. And this guy wants us to plug his buddy's podcast, the Higher Side Chats. So both people who wrote theme songs wanted us to plug their friends projects.

Yeah, really good people. So thanks Tony and thanks, Lars, and thanks. I already forget the guy who wrote the app to app. And thanks to Haley. Thank you guys. And we'll be back next week. As always, thanks for listening. Oh, we're going to be in Austin.

We should announce that. Oh, yeah. We're doing shows in Canada on March 6, 7th, and 8th, and then in Austin, as part of South by Southwest. How is that for North America? All the information is that if I were you show.com or headgum.com slash live. All right, now we're out. Bye.

Who are these two dudes doing podcasts? Who the hell do they think they are? I don't remember growing. older when did they if I were you if I were you swiftly flow the days

actors turned over nights to podcasters blossoming even as we game That was a hate gum podcast