If I Were You - 314: Dungeons and Dragons (w/Murph and Emily!)

Episode Date: February 12, 2018

Friends and lovers Brian Murphy and Emily Axford join us to discuss paying for sex, writing a book, and their new Dungeons and Dragons podcast "Not another D and D podcast" on the HeadGum network!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. For all the times you fell in love at Starbucks When your sex life is running out of luck If you think that your relationship won't last Or you simply want to be put on blast Then go ahead and get some advice Oh, from Jake and Amir They'll do the best to wash away all of your fears

Jake's mama don't like it when he talks about sex Especially ain't all our STD tests But if that's the kind of thing that you'd like to know Then go and listen to this podcast show So if you've got a problem but don't have a clue Then baby listen to if I were you And if you're lost and don't know what to do Then baby listen to if I were you

Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da-bum Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da-bum Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da-bum Hey! Oh sorry, we're talking about Bieber That was very organic That was like you guys noticed Love Yourself by Bieber Parody by Dylan Barstow

So thanks Dylan for writing that in Murphy and Emily in the studio Hi! We were talking about your love of Bieber Yeah, Bieber came back Do you like his personality or his music or both? He changed, he grew up I don't know if he grew up or not

I think you hear a little less about him being a musician The app? The app? Musically? Look, okay, you want to talk about that song that's like to now. Oh baby. Oh baby. There you go. That's the word he says.

That's the word he says. An 11 year old boy versus like a 25 year old. Right, so he grew up. Now he's a teen. And now he's a fully grown 18 year old. Now he's a strong teenager. Eventually he'll be a man. Are you into Bieber, Emily?

I definitely like his new stuff. In terms of his personality, I guess I don't understand why everyone wants like their pop stars to not have shit show lives. Like when he was like peeing into like trash cans and shit, like great. That's all part of the allure. I don't have to like the pop star. Yeah, who's the most famous person who's like, I don't know. I go to bed at 10 and wake up at 6.

Actually Miley Cyrus, if you read, I remember when she was like, when everyone's like, she's a wild card. She's doing drugs. If you looked at her Twitter, she would just be like, we got home from tour. Can't wait to organize my house. I love cleaning. And I was like, oh, you're just a sweetheart, aren't you? But isn't she also kind of crazy?

She does like crazy weird sexual shit on stage. Yeah, but I think she lives a really tame life. I think she's print style. You know how... Don't demonize her. Yeah, man. But like you were talking about it. You're slow-shaming Miley and she's just being Miley.

Bad is true. This is a super like 2015 conversation. Talking about whether Miley's a bad girl. Whether Miley's too sexual or not and how Justin has grown up. Because even that song, was that sorry? What song was that? Love Yourself. The song's a few years old.

Nah, it's like a year old. In this day and age, Han? Yeah, that might as well be a decade. Oh my God, don't hon me on the cast. Don't hon me on the cast. This is a hun cast. I hon Blumenfeld all the time. This is If I Were You.

The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by Jake and I. Wait, we said who wrote that song? Yes, Dylan Barstow. Sorry. And today we're joined by old friends of ours. We're now old friends because we've known each other for over five years. Oh, is that the cut off when you go from young friends to old friends? Yeah, I know.

We've grown up Bieber style. Did you used to have a Bieber haircut when I first met you? I kinda did. Wow, no wonder you love him. Remember when you were tracking? Well, I grew up with Bieber. Now I got the Bieber undercut or whatever the hell you call it. Did you grow up or glow up?

What's the difference between the two? I would say I glue up. Oh really? Yeah, you do have a lot of glue on your hands. The perfect version of glowing up? Yeah, I glowed up. Is there an official difference between those two? Or just like when you become stronger and hotter?

Grow up is when you get more mature. Glow up is when you get shinier. That's just the shine. You have more beautiful. That's even better than growing up. I wanna be like done glued up, you know? That's just when you glue on yourself. That's a bad thing to be, it seems.

All right, we got some real questions from real people. And then I wanna talk to you guys about the five and a half things you're working on, including a new podcast with Jake. Oh yeah, baby. But first, let's get into it right quick. Otherwise, we'll never get to any of these questions. Hold on, hold on, wait for it, wait for it. Okay, here we go.

We need a girl's name. Emily, do you have a fake girl's name? Yeah, Sasha. Nice and porn starry. I like that. Sasha writes, I've been dating one of my coworkers for nine months, but nobody at my work knows, and we don't even think anyone suspects anything. I don't wanna give out anything too personal, but he is a quote, engineer three level.

Well, I am a quote, engineer two. He's not my boss or manager and doesn't have any power over me. I haven't gained any favors or anything because of this relationship. It's completely separate from work. We looked up our company's policy, which says, quote, if two employees should become involved in a romantic relationship, the company reserves the right to change work assignments. We don't want this to be a secret forever, but I really do see a future with us.

His lease is ending this summer and we're looking for a place together, so we thought people should probably know about us if we're living together. My idea was to tell another coworker who we're both pretty close friends with and see how she reacts and what he thinks we should do. Sorry, he reacts and see what he thinks we should do. What do you guys think we should do? We both love working there. We don't want this to ruin either one of our careers.

As a side note, I'm the only woman in our department. Does that change anything? Does this reflect badly on me? Much love, Sasha. You sound familiar? I have such a good idea. Yeah, what do you think? I think she should come out as dating someone else.

Oh, and then see how it goes. And then if it goes poorly, she's like, psych. I would never date that person. Y'all fell for it. But if it goes well, she can be like, actually, I'm really dating this person. Why add that second level of lie, though? Why not just pretend she's not dating the first guy, the original guy, right?

Because then people will be suspicious. She comes out as dating like a real uggo. Like a random dude. Yeah, everyone's like, what? And everyone's seeing you guys talk. And then she says, and then they're like, all right, that's fine. You're like, actually, I'm dating this guy. And then everyone's like, oh, you can't date that guy.

It's like, all right, fuck. You said it, but you were cool with it when I was dating the ugly dude. I quit, I think. Discrimination. The boss would just be like, what is this crazy weird background? Why is the company always has this policy where it's like, you have to declare. I was thinking that when you were at this question. I think it's because if somebody's above you or something.

If you're a manager, though, and you're dating like a new employee or something, I don't know, that's kind of weird, right? It's kind of weird, but why does the company be like, oh, it's policy that we should know. And it's all right as your boss. Yeah, it's strange. Also, we want to know who's hooked up. You have to declare that. Yeah, just imagine the HR guy who made that rule.

He's into like, juicy gossip. And if you're looking up with any of the interns, you have to tell me. You have to tell me in great detail. It's company policy, actually. It's company policy. You have to tell me everything that you've done. When was the first time you got ahead? It's company policy that I know.

If you've had sex four times or gotten ahead eight times, I need to know about it. Are you 69-ing? It's company policy. Huffing screaming. Are you looking at my boil? Of course not. Danny Boyle. You guys started dating at work?

I also am my, I'm fianceed to a former coworker of mine. I think. Yeah. You guys know you were fianceed for a little bit. We were fianceed, yeah. Did you guys declare? No, I did not declare. Did you guys declare?

I mean, our workplace was pretty casual. Like Sam knew. Yeah, people knew our office. But our workplace was casual. But there's definitely an IAC rule policy. Yeah, that's true. There's like a contract and all that weird shit. I think they just have that stuff there, though, in case stuff goes bad, that they can say,

hey, we have this in our contract. Yeah, you were supposed to say something. I think companies probably don't care that much. It's so if somebody else doesn't get promoted or something, they can't be like, he was fucking the boss or something like that. And then they can sue the company or something like that. But it's also, it's not illegal. They just want to know.

So I'm confused as to why that's the rule. We can't do anything about it. We just want to know. Yeah, Emily's right. That it's there to protect against being sued for something that the fallout from this thing. Yeah, so that they can be like, well, you didn't disclose it. Yeah. So what if they did disclose it?

They don't actually care. They just want to be able to like, it's in the fine print that like. I think it's so that if a boss was dating an intern, they could be like, hey, buddy, you got to cut that one off at the knees because not the intern, the relationship, because that's dangerous. We were both staff writers on the same level. Yeah. But if I was like.

Did you have to disclose that? If you were like the janitor and I was like the CEO. Ooh, now we're getting the CEO. This is an outcome. That is the one example. Turn it off the mics. That's the one example no one would care about. And like, let's say like, let's say I was like working too much and I like didn't have a personal life

and like, that's why we kept running into each other. This is a good show. Because you work the night shift, but I work through the night. Oh, that's cool. Have you seen The Shape of Water? It's not too dissimilar from this. Oh, you're right. Yeah.

Yes, it is. It's a janitor and a fucking prisoner. Yeah, but that's kind of like a janitor love story. It's also similar to Good Will Hunting because the janitor is a hero in that sense. Yeah. Or Shawshank Redemption because a prisoner gets free. Yeah. Or Made in Manhattan.

Yeah. Which I think is actually really close. We're just naming movies we like, right? Jennifer Lobe Listing Movies. Two weeks notice. Hotelier. Yeah. Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock.

I don't know if either than we're a janitor. Oh, speaking of Sandra Bullock, it's that Sandra Bullock Ryan Reynolds flick. Oh, I like that. The proposal. Yeah. Yeah, the engagement. The engagement. Yeah, the rule.

I've never seen it. Rules of engagement? Yeah. Do movies like that still get made? I think so. Movies where people are leaning on each other on the cover. Just two like superstars leaning on each other. They can't quite stand up, right?

I feel like there's not as much leaning now. You can kind of tell that they took the pictures apart and then Photoshopped them together. Yeah. I feel like what they got replaced with is there was like Christmas Day and Valentine's Day. New Year's movie. It's always like a holiday. Yeah.

Now it's just like 40 A-list celebrities. How did you guys all made like a pact to make a bad movie for a shitload of money? Yeah. So they paid us a lot of money. You guys talk to Meryl Streep. No, I don't think they ever met. They shot it like that, a rest of the development season, where like everybody just shot by themselves in a room for a week and got two and a half million dollars, which I can't

wait for Game Night, which is supposedly an amazing comedy that's coming out with a bunch of A-list comedies stars. I saw a preview for that. Is it supposed to be good? No, I don't know. Oh, okay. I don't know. I can't tell what's an ad and what's not.

It looked like a joke when I saw the trailer for it. Yeah. One of those comedies that comes out in late February, you know what I mean? Yeah, one of those. We really got to release something on February 26th. Anyway, I think this person doesn't have to disclose anything to HR, but tell your friends. It seems like her plan is pretty airtight, which is to just run it by a friend and be like, what would you say if me and Dan were doing it?

Don't run it by anybody that could conceivably have a crush on you because she's the only girl in the department. Yeah. So imagine she talks about it to somebody who's secretly been in love with her. Oh, boy. That's an awful idea. Yeah, or he rats them out. Yeah, you don't want that.

Remember? What if she just started an office gossip email chain and then got someone else to leak the gossip? You're into this fucking idiot. This deep state rep. I just think why do anything directly when you could do it really, really, really great. Yeah. You don't order lunch on Postmates.

What you do is hire a homeless person to call a Chipotle. What Emily does is she floats a rumor that she's interested in lunch. We used to do the showing up to the holiday party as somebody's date. Do you remember? That's how Caldwell ensues. Oh, yeah. They walked into the holiday party holding hands. They debuted.

Everybody was just drunk and like, yeah. How did you and Jillian debut? You leaked that sex tape on Twitter. Yeah, we had it. It was so sad because it's limited to two minutes on Twitter. So it was really just you begging her to hook up with her. And we never got to see the sex. Yeah, and Jillian was off screen.

Mostly bagged tape. I don't know if we did debut. I can't remember. It might have been like a similar thing to like this person is talking about. Like just one person. One person finds out then everybody finds out. Right. Our work situation was so casual that it was just like, yeah, everyone knows you're dating.

We all hang out all the time and we saw you to make out last night. Also, you're fired. You didn't disclose it to HR. The pervert in HR needed to know. All right. You want to get to another question? Yeah. This one is from a dude.

Murph, do you have a name for a dude? A dude. A dude is his name? A dude. Oh, Larry Game of Thrones. A dude. Yeah. A dude star.

A dude has no name. That's his last name. I'm in a fairly odd situation and I couldn't think of a better person to ask than you to because of the subject matter. He's talking about me and Murph right now. Yeah. The subject matter dot, dot, dot is gay. Literally. This New Year's Eve, a guy I knew back from high school who recently, who I had recently rematted a party offered me $250 cash to give me a world-class blowjay.

I initially declined simply because I was 45 minutes away drunk and with my girlfriend of the time. He upped his offer to 500 and said that this was a one-time deal. I said no and decided to fuck my then-girlfriend that night. Well, three days ago, surprise, she dumped me. We were both too busy and a long-term thing wasn't working. My question is, should I try to cash in on this guy and sell myself? Even though he said it was a one-time offer, I'm afraid to ask him again and have him be embarrassed because he was uber drunk when he asked. I'm not really attracted to him, but I could probably get it up with porn and a warm, moist oral cavity.

What would you do? P.S. I'm bisexual, so I'm not a stranger to hooking up with guys. Shout out to Jake. How are you, brother? Fine, thanks. Jake, should he blow himself out? I think he should just do it for free. Like get the blowjob for free?

I think if he's curious, I think he shouldn't reach out to him and be like, hey, is that $500 offer still on the table? I think he should just be like, hey, I broke up with my girlfriend. Could go for that blowjay now. But then once you get it for free, it's hard to start charging for it. Yeah, I don't think you should charge for it. Unless your dick is like a trash. Here's... First of all, I have one opinion, which is that I think if you are offering someone $500 to let them...

No, to blow them. Yeah, let... Right. I'm giving you $500 and I get to blow you. Right. Then you don't have a world-class blowjob skill, I don't think. So you're saying if this guy was good, he can probably give that for free. Or maybe he's paying like an entrance fee.

He knows if I pay you $500 just one time to blow you, I'm going to pay your mind. I'm only going to be doing like 20 bucks next time, man. It's like crack cocaine. They gave it away for free in the 80s so that people get hooked. Right. So yeah, it's super crack because you're like, I'm going to give this away to you and give you $500. Yeah.

If you don't like it, more money to you or something. That's good. You get your cash back. But he already has the cash. Of course. Anyway, I like the text, broke up with my girlfriend. Hey, broke up with my girlfriend. But I think you should get the cash.

Really? Oh yeah. Actual prostitution. Actual prostitution. Maybe he offers the cash. I'm just saying by being broke up with my girlfriend, you're letting him offer again rather than being like, do you still want to pay me $500? I don't think this was actually a one-time offer.

But I do think that it goes back down to $250 if you're like, hey, how about the blow job that you say. This is a sublime demand thing. Cash. Also, the offer goes down if you're sober, I bet. I think you got to sidestep it. Oh, maybe wait for another notoriously drunken day. Like maybe wait for St. Patrick's Day. Then send the text.

That's coming up. That's March 17 soon. Yeah. Then you send the text on a day that he might be drunk so that you could try and... Get that deal, I guess. Or you just wait till a drunk time, like 1.45 a.m., send him a Venmo request for $500. Request. If he accepts, then you show off a little moist symbol.

What were you saying, the sidestep? I think you... So that it's not actual prostitution. You send the... Oh, you're so straight late. Oh, excuse you. Oh, you're against prostitution all of a sudden. You send the text that says, just broke up with my girlfriend and then you say, I've really wanted to go do

and then some expensive activity. Like a hockey fan or something. You want to go get those $500 tickets or something. Can I blow you off the ice? Yeah. So you go... You get them to take you out on an expensive date and then you get blown after the date. Oh my God.

I think that's less honorable. I think that's less honorable. You're like getting sugar daddy. It's more honorable on a technicality. Please. This is not illegal, your honor. I just paid for the food. I happen to get a blow job.

I also bet this guy, actually, I disagree with Jake. I bet he sucks a mean dick. You think? Because it's like, I think that it's something that he loves to do, clearly. So he's going to be passionate about it. Yeah, if you want to suck a dick that bad, how could you not be good at it? The only thing that he needs to suck a mean dick. I totally acquiesce.

So what made you buy $500 to suck your dick? They want to suck your dick so bad and would do it with such fur. Oh man, just like cock warship. Yeah. My God. But what if then you just explode so early? He's like, I paid you $500 and you lasted eight seconds. That is true.

I think that a dude, you have an obligation to try and last as long as you can. Yeah, you got to let him milk it, right? Well, it sounds like this guy will probably... Milk him at a decent amount of time because he said he thought he could get it up if he watched porn. So how buy is he if he's like, oh, he's just not attracted to the guy. He's just not attracted to this guy. Yeah, you think all buy people are attracted to all guys? That's obviously not what I said.

So disgusted. That don't trigger me. It would be kind of awesome though if instead of being like, hey, is that $500 offer still up if he made it like a game? If he's like, do you still want to blow me because we could see how long I could last and then you can pay me according to that. A dollar for every minute. Yeah. You get completely trashed. It's like Win Ben Stein's blow job.

So you're actually going up against a few other guys and whoever lasts the longest gets the cash. That's like a thing in porn, the blow job contest. Oh, really? Yeah. So it's like whoever makes somebody finish first, that wins. Yeah, that porn star wins. And is it the same guy or are you using different guys? That's very sweet.

Are you using different guys because then it's sort of cheating. Yeah, yeah, it would be like a row of guys and a row of people. Oh, I see. So it's like a pie eating contest. Yeah, totally. I think it's a roll of the dice too. Like, you know, the guy might be nervous. Unless they all bring in their own guy and they know they're like, oh, this guy, quick squirt.

Yeah. You can squirt real fast from a bad blow job. You've always said that. You know, that's an old Bertie saying, we're wearing a trucker hat with that. That was the first thing he said to my dad when he met him. I just want to say, Mr. Axe, I can squirt from a bad beach. Sir, sir. And I like your daughter's hand.

And then I throw up on his shoes. Oh, God. Just looking gallant of milk all over his floor. I'm not even drunk. I've just been doing the Gallant Challenge. So you did the Gallant Challenge, met Emily's dad, told him you can come from a bad blow job, and puked Dairy all over his new... I thought I would impress him by all the milk I could drink.

My dad sent me to Canada and tried to set me up with another guy. That makes sense. Do we even answer this guy's question? Oh, yeah, what would you do? What would you do if you were the guy? Real quick. What would you do? I would wait for a drunken time, then text him and just say, broke up with my girlfriend.

Text him, get the other guy to take him out on an expensive date and get blown. I can't believe you're trying to do that. I'd be like, dude, WrestleMania's in New Orleans this year, man. What do you think? Me and you going? Going to WrestleMania with this guy. Have a great time together. So it was all weird sitting through WrestleMania.

Knowing you're going to get blown out, sir? No, no, no. Even weirder. Even weirder for the guy who's just sitting there being like, I wish WrestleMania was over so I could suck this guy's dick already. That's on him, though, man. He's got to know that's a pay-per-view. He didn't have to take me to WrestleMania.

I feel like he'd get caught up in it, you know? I love this advice because it truly is exactly what Murph would do. Getting paid in getting head, basically. And I would not do it because I think prostitution's wrong. All right, let's take a break. I'll come back with these three just heathen monsters. Right after these words. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day,

but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents.

Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice.

Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift.

Now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait.

Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on.

Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist.

And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp.

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Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. You wrote a book? Christamark? Yes, sir. Yes. What is it? And when is it?

It's a really great title. Get ready for this. Not another book podcast. It's called Hey You Up for a Serious Relationship, How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact. Really long title. Wow. It's actually longer than the rest of the book. I guess some of it's a subtitle.

I don't know which part of it's a subtitle. Some of it is. It starts in the middle of a word. Yeah. Yeah, right. Emergency contact. That's the subtitle. That's it.

But yeah, it's out on Amazon and stuff. It's a satirical relationship advice book that takes you through all the stages of a relationship from like hooking up and to getting married. Wow. That damn marriage. Is that how you started? Do we start hooking up? Or did you guys start married?

A booty call into an emergency contact. We were married and then we... Actually, I did use you as an emergency contact way too quickly in. Yeah, we did. We just had a one night stand that turned into a forever night stand. We just hooked up and then never left. I was like the ultimate leech just hanging out the stand. I actually just realized you guys did almost start out engaged because you guys got engaged

in the Jake and Amir web series before you. Yeah, that's true. Right. You guys started out betrothed then hooked up. Then hooked up. Wow. So we're all over the place. Moved in together.

And this book is already out. When did you guys write it? How did you write it and do the TV show at the same time? Oh boy. With very little sleep. We had one day where we worked 25 hours. Oh my God. We literally, to get a script in that day, I woke up at 5 a.m. so that I could get it

in at noon. And then to get the manuscript for the book in on time, I had, we had to both stay up all night until like six in the morning and finish it. So I did like a full 25 hour day. It was all cool pulling an all nighter. Yeah. When was the last time you had to do that? For the sake of comedy.

Probably the college humor all night. Yeah. And that, you know, you make the best comedy when you're working for 25 hours. I noticed one of these, one of these chapters is just called so tired, please kill me. Yeah, it's all. Can't believe I made that in. Sweet, sweet. We talk about stuff that you do after you're married too.

Like. We talk about like the wedding. Joint bank accounts. We have a chapter on engagement and on wedding planning. Really. Yeah. But it's all, it's all like, it's not fake advice. It's all like kind of true, but it's all.

Well, no, there's some that's straight up satire. Yeah. It's just like satire. Right. Like we have, we have one essay that's how to, how to make your family the Christmas family by turning your significant other against their own parents. Oh, that's funny. And so like the advice would work if you're a sociopath.

Right. So just nobody listened to any of the advice in the book. You could also just say marry a Jew. Just like on this podcast. Right. Yeah. If you marry a Jew, then your family's by default the Christmas family. But then you'd have to go to, but then you have to go to both families over the holidays.

This is kind of a way to like just make your family. Oh, so no Hanukkah at all. The primary family, right? Oh yeah. You do have a chapter called no Hanukkah please. Yeah. Which makes sense. Extremely controversial.

When did it come out? It comes out February 14th. February 13th. Valentine's Day. It comes out the day before Valentine's Day. The day before Valentine's Day. You're romantic. But you will still be out on Valentine's Day.

But yeah, it's on Amazon. It's at like Barnes & Noble. Regular bookstores and such. So by the time you listen to this, it's probably out. Oh yeah. Heck yeah. And then you also, also started a podcast with one Jake Hurwitz. With her boy Jake here.

It's called Not Another D&D Podcast. That's also online right now. It is online right now. It is very fun. The first day that we recorded it, we were telling you the story, Amir. Come on. We were recording at the Head Gum Office. And Jake did not reserve this.

Where did they subscribe? And we got kicked out of the co-founder of the company, got kicked out. Of his office because he didn't reserve the room. It was like, it was a real interesting peek behind the curtain about how little people respect me. Of course. Of like how little clouds your name had. Jake was like, can we please have it for another time? Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I technically paid the rent. And then I would say, yeah, Marissa, our producer, pushed me. She emptied your backpack full of snacks that you were stealing from your own company. You guys came downstairs and it was being held by my ankles upside down. It was my lunch money just following out of your jeans. Don't touch the refrigerator on Monday either, her bitch.

Very good, very good. We're all having fun. We're just joking, man. Her bitch really stinks because my father called me that growing up. Oh boy. Which is weird because that's his last name. I know. Well, where do you think he learned it?

You just probably heard a bitch at one point. He was. We were all somebody else's bitch at some point. Yeah. So it's just, it's a D&D campaign. Yeah, it's a D&D campaign. The idea is that they're adventuring in a world that's already been saved. So they're kind of like the, you guys are kind of.

It's like the fallout from like an epic band of adventurers. But now like the world is like getting shitty again. Got it. But like all in a unique way due to the world being saved. Yeah. So this, I think the idea almost started on our podcast when Murph was on it talking about how much he loves D&D. And then Jake's like, I can get into that.

I like fantasy shit. Yeah. And then a couple weeks later. Murph and he's with me multiple times. Like it's everything that you like. It's like epic fantasy shit and doing bits. Yeah. And you can just be like, his character is Aragorn essentially.

He described himself as six foot six of muscle and beard. That's right. He just gets to be what you want to be. He's the bastard of the mountain. He was raised by dwarves in a dwarfing edge. A dwarfing edge. A human raised by dwarves left at the foot of the mountain. Pride of the mountain.

Pride of Iron Deep. That's the mountain range that Murph named. I mean, it's really like, it's so badass. I love, I love looking at even like the maps of Westeros, you know? Like the maps of Middle Earth. And like Murph drew a fucking, drew a map that has like the names of forests and names of mountains, the ocean, like the world has its own name. And then you get to just like explore it.

Bahumia. Which I keep saying in like, in like the voice of like an orc shaman. Bahumia. Bahumia. At the risk of giving a little spoiler, Jake's character does start a bar fight by refusing to buy this group of like barbarian dudes to drink. Because he was too proud. I was too proud.

That's the fucking, I think that's my favorite thing about D&D is that like there, Murph has like the, the dungeon master like knows the world. You know the, you know what would happen everywhere, but like there's no, there are no rules, right? There's just, I think you've said it, like there are no rules there, but there are consequences. That's correct. Ooh, that's beautiful. I don't remember you saying that, but that's good. The dungeon master is daddy, you know?

Daddy master. Well, he's daddy mommy. Daddy mommy. So I'm like, can I, can I like tell this, can I smash a beer glass over this guy's head and Murph is like, you can. We're going to find out if like, but shit's going to happen. Yeah. So we'll find out what happens if you want to do that.

And the first episode's online now, right? Yeah. Depends on when this comes out. There might be two episodes out. I don't know. Well, episode zero is out and the first episode is also out. Second episode might be out. Not another D&D podcast.

Not another D&D podcast. Sold wherever podcasts are sold, or you can just go to headgum.com because I really hope it's on there. Otherwise, Jake has to buy this one. I'm actually doing it with Ear Wolf. That actually makes a lot of sense because they have two studios. Yeah. So you'll never get kicked out of the building.

They don't bully me there. Cool. Anything else that you're working on? Those are the big two. Those are the big two. Yeah, those are the big two. Yeah, those are the big two. Yeah, those are the big two.

Yeah, those are the big two. Yeah, those are the big two. Yeah, those are the big two. Yeah, those are the big two. If you're working for free, that's the web series. The web series is also on Amazon for some reason. Who knows? Wow.

How did these decisions get made? But the TV show is also on there. Wait, the TV show came from the web series? Kind of. Is that a question mark? You guys are in the hot date web series? Yeah. Yeah.

But weirdly, we sold the show as like a pilot that we were writing, and then we wanted to perform and do stuff in the meantime because it takes forever to anything to get developed. And we did the web series while we were writing the show. Yes. I see. Yeah. You guys should take a vacation. I agree.

I'm making Prague. Prague, cool. I've already been there, but it's so cool. But can you guys record from there? I'm worried that the D&D podcast will take a hand. I know it's tough. The D&D podcast would suffer. I'll come.

I'll be there. I need to sit and read fucking guides all day. Oh, I love that shit. Fucking guides. Fucking guides, man. Like seven big ass books I gotta refer to all the time. I won't talk too much about D&D, but knowing what spells do and shit. Wait, it's like a master library where everyone has to do the same spells?

Well, no, you've got like a monster manual that has all the fucking monsters in it. So if these guys run into the swamp or something, they might fight a frogman. But if they punch the bartender in the face, then I have to be like, okay, what kind of creature is this bartender? They're a half-orc. Maybe they're a barbarian. So now I have to go look and find like a Berserker type character, something in the monster manual.

And to make that all fast, I kind of have to already know that. I have to be like, okay. I know we're fine Berserker. We have to study. Yeah. So you have to study. It's crazy. Do you think that you've emptied your brain of other information?

I think I am for sure a bigger idiot. What hobbies and passions have fallen by the wayside as you cram more fantasy? Exercise. Exercise has gone away. Jiu-Jitsu has gone away. Yeah. Who has time to actually fight when you have to learn how monsters interact? Monsters.

Yeah. Why would I need to defend myself or my family when I could put gnomes in front of them? What are you guys going to do? Because hard one's short foot has a fucking great axe. A two-handed great axe that he wheels left-handed. You're hard one's short foot. Hard one's short foot. Hard one.

Hard one's short foot is my character's name. And what's yours Emily? Moonshine Sabin. Yeah, that's right. A trick out. A trick out. She lives in the crick. She lives in the crick.

She lives in the crick. You really learn what people want to be. Yeah, for sure. Like Jake has two bad feet and his last name in this fantasy world is sure foot. That's right. So in this fantasy world my feet are fine and I don't know, what else can I have? I do. I describe my character as thick of calf and quad.

Yeah, that was very important to you when we were talking about our characters. You wanted those big me legs. I wanted to have jacked ass legs. And I couldn't help but the entire time look at your legs while you were talking about how meaty those legs would be. You should make Jake break his leg in the next episode. Oh, this is so sad. You slip and punch and crack your leg open.

You do get... Murph can't make me break my leg. Right. He can only make me roll the dice to see if I fall or not. But fate is up to my leg break. He did. Spoiler alert. He gets wrapped up by a big snake at one point and rolled a one trying to escape from it.

So I just explained that he like stressed real hard against it and just like let out a little fart and a tiny little moan like, ah. So there are moments like that. It was supposed to be like a great climber and there was a time where I was like trying to climb a wall and I also rolled a one. You rolled a two I think and you just fell into the puddle. And before I rolled I said watch this. Every time you say watch this you roll a one or a two and fall down.

Hardwood is the kind of guy that says watch this before he does every day. That was when we were teaching Jake how to play the game. I just set up this scenario where there are these like bandits in this bar that they had to fight and the first thing Jake did was come in and try to cleave the table with his axe and he rolled terribly and just got his axe stuck in a table. You're sort of all... That was his first move. You're a lumberjack.

You could swing the axe at the guys. I was like no I wanted to do that. I think you had to spend the next turn getting the axe out of the table. And you also rolled a one and you cut yourself pretty badly. I think if we didn't have that practice session you would have just died in session one. That makes sense. I did get knocked out in session one. Yeah.

You're like a lumberjack laughing stock so you're jacked. Walk around saying watch this and fail. I also decapitate a snake so like let's just fuck it. Oh yeah there's a decent amount of decapitation. Guys spoiler. The show's so good. Go subscribe to it. Subscribe and listen.

And can you guys have guests on that show or like... Yeah we're going. Has people come in for just like a little bit? Yeah our kind of plan is to... Well I might be interested. But Gabris I think would be great. Yeah we got to get you on there. We got to get Gabris on there.

Our plan is to kind of have different story arcs and then to bring in people as different characters. If we show up in this town... We want to get Adam Cotter to come on this one. Oh that's cool. Maybe Adam Cotter is a gnome that lives in some town that needs help and then he joins the party for a little bit. Great.

I love it. Alright let's get to one more question before we have to go. Let's do it. Never mind. We all want to leave. Guys name. Guys name Emily. What's a guys name?

Chip Fontaine. That's cool. Is that your real name already? It's like a nice porn name I think. Chip Fontaine. Chip Fontaine. I'm a 25 year old male grad student in Toronto and I'm in need of some advice. So I've been in a relationship for over a year with an amazing lady.

Oh relationship with a year with an amazing lady and I'm really happy and this is the best girlfriend I could ever ask for. This is how all the questions start. It's a perfect relationship. Everything's perfect. She's great and I'm good. And I'm thinking about... End of E and M with that.

Sincerely yours Chip Fontaine. But here's the rub. Chip writes, about a week ago I had a really intense and vivid sex dream about a friend of mine who I go to school with. I've known her since undergrad and we're really close but we've never found her attractive until this dream. All week I had to see her and I've been lusting after her like crazy. I would never want to date her but I want to have sex with her so badly I can't even

look her in the eyes. She's always been open about the fact that she finds me attractive and wants to sleep with me. Out of line by the way right? Yeah. That's what he writes. Yeah she's the bad guy. Which obviously has added to the problem.

I also really don't get it because my girlfriend and I have amazing sex like literally the best I've ever had and frequently. Have you ever had this happen? What did you do? What should I do? Help. Love you too. Big fans since middle school.

Wow. Todah love. Chip Fontaine. That's a powerful sex dream. I was like hearing this kind of being like yeah sex dreams are just like your minds just churning shit up. It's just smashing two things together. Yeah it doesn't have to be your fantasy right?

Yeah. Because you can also have nightmares. Yeah it was kind of a wet dream where I had my dick in a fence and that got me off. Yeah I have like prematurely ejaculated in dreams. They're not sexy. I've never had a sex dream where I was just like that was awesome. Yeah that was perfect. It was in a sex like a sit-in.

It's always like with a random person that you're like well okay. Why? I think that's usually why it's good to just leave it there in the dream. I don't think you cheating on your girlfriend with somebody you aren't actually attracted to is going to be the hottest sex ever. Your dream was probably better. Oh that is a good point. Do you tell anybody?

Do you tell your girlfriend? Do you tell this woman? Do you tell? Do anything about it? Personally I would break up with the girlfriend and try to fuck the friend because I've also been here. Even though I don't think that you're going to have better sex than you've been in the dream I think I've been here where I like had a sex dream about somebody and like had

to see it through. Yeah and like if you're going to sacrifice your relationship that's a small price to pay because you're it's eventually going to break up anyway and now you get to have sex with somebody different. So the seeds of doubt are sown? Yeah. I will say that's probably true. I would say it is.

The seeds of doubt are sown. Like I don't think that you're necessarily like if you're suddenly desperately lusting after someone else like. It's a bad sign. Bad sign. Yeah it's the beginning of the end. So you might as well just get rid of the girlfriend now see the sex dream through and then you're a single guy again which is fine because you're 25 and in Toronto.

And then you can just start having sex dreams about anyone and then fucking them. Yeah. If you have that magical power God that would be amazing. Is there a D&D but for porn so like you're just like leisure suit Larry going around and sucking and fucking. You can just fucking D&D. Oh really? There's a whole book about.

Can you fucking D&D? Definitely fuck. Yeah. Cool. I like it even more. Trust. Uh next next round Hardwood's going back to the bar. Oh you rolled a one and you were raped in the ass by a no.

Jesus. Yeah. Hardwood can't get it up. A little. A little elbow. Let me roll again. Hardwood Shercock. Hardcock Sherfoot.

All right well what did this happen to you? You said yes. What did you do? I already answered what he would do. What should he do? Break up with your girlfriend and have sex with a friend. I kind of think I mean it's not so much about having sex with a friend because I do think that's going to end up being disappointing but I do think it's a bad sign if you're like

feverishly lusting after someone else. I think he needs to learn this lesson probably like as a 25 year old. I think he needs to. It sounds like he's going to break up with his girlfriend anyway because if you're like lusting after not only just like people or the idea of having sex with other people, a specific person that's really bad. Right. If you, yeah that's true.

So he's that, you're right the seeds of doubt have already been sown so I think he needs to break up with her and then if he you know sleeps with his friend and that ends up not being as good that's a learning experience and you'll know in the future not to just try to fuck everyone. It's just he, we're advising him to do the wrong thing so he can learn. Because he needs to make that mistake, right? It is kind of true because like once you have enough sex you realize that there's so much a disappointing sex and then it makes it less like oh I want, I am attracted to this person

so I want to sleep with them because you can kind of look at someone and be like that sex would be bad. Yeah like 95% chance that would be weird. Yeah. I can picture what that is. Yeah. It's so important to realize you can do that. Yeah.

So what about how about this for bad advice? Cheat on your girlfriend and then when you have sex with this girl and then it's like okay I got that out of my system and I can still be with this amazing woman. All right. I think we all agree. It works. So four for four don't do that. Good Lord.

That way you have sex but you also have your amazing girlfriend, right? What's the downside there? I roll a 38. Oh my God. How's you can get as a 20? Well on the 20, is there more than a 20-sided die? There's a, yeah. Well there's a 10-sided die that goes up to 100 technically.

Wow. Because you roll it twice? No. Yeah. You roll the 10-sided die and then you roll a 100-sided die and it's not a 100-sided die. It's just a 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100 and then you roll another 10-sided die.

Oh, I see. That's like a one through 10 one. Cool. Anyway, this is really interesting. I love it. Dice mechanics. I want to get my, I want to get my, I want to buy my own dice. You got it.

I want to buy my own dice and I want to buy, I want to buy that fucking little figurine. You haven't got it yet. He's so good. You've designed him perfectly. I did. Don't tell anybody I was talking about it. But your beard is so dope. He's like a human, but he's got like a dwarven beard.

How do you, how have you seen this beard? How have you seen it? Oh, because he designed a character and then a screenshot of it and sent it to our text thread. Jake just winced and curled up. You designed a character? I also like a fucking party in New York City. I went to Burning Man, man.

Did you go to Burning Man? Yeah. Did you go to Burning Man? When was it? It was before, after you designed your fantasy character. It was before I designed my fantasy dwarven character. And then when you made this fairy, you sent it to, what was the like league of heroes.com or something?

Hero Forge. Oh yeah. Hero Forge. That's where I did it. You can like sort of like creating an avatar, like a, any video game thing you can like, or you're a bit moji if you will. People are listening to this podcast or wondering whether or not they should accept money to get blown.

I mean, while we're turning Jake into a huge fucking dork, D&D is like, before this, it was MMA was the thing that I would ruin party conversations with or it'd be like, you guys got to get into UFC and people would just like shut down while I just talked to them about UFC. Now it's D&D that I used to ruin. D&D's got a higher success rate than MMA though. D&D, most people are like, oh yeah, I would try that. That's how this whole thing started because I got fucking drunk at a holiday party with

and it was like close enough that like after our podcast where we talked about it, I basically had three like buzzed conversations in a row about D&D and I was like, fuck it, I'm in. I'm in man. You know what I noticed we forgot, we didn't do any unsolicited advice this episode. I think we basically turned it into a pitch for playing D&D. Oh yeah, I guess that's good unsolicited advice, unless you have specific unsolicited advice. Advice that you have that you're hanging on to that no one's necessarily asked for. Pickle your own turnips.

All right, so the D&D's nice, D&D it is then. Pickle your own turnips, this has been If I Were You. Pickle your own turnips and make those- Stop buying pickled turnips at the store and you make them from what, radishes or is it the other way around? Turnips. I don't know what that is. I said one beat just for the color, so you get some pink pickled turnips, throw it on anything.

It's ruining it. You could ruin desserts, sandwiches, snacks, nobody wants a turnip. Throw them at your landlord. I don't even know what a turnip looks like. I assumed it was a radish. How do you serve it? Turnip for what? They look like radishes.

Do you cut them? Do you chop them? Yeah, you chop them into like little, I don't know, fronds. I don't know what that word means. Like a circle? No, like a little stick. Yeah. They look like radishes.

Almost like a shoestring fry, but you cut them up to look like a little shoestring fry. And then you pickle them after that? Then you pickle them. And then you put them on the sandwich? And then you put them on, I've been putting them on turkey burgers, beet burgers. Beet burgers with turnips. We were talking about a fantasy character for five minutes and yet this is the most embarrassing thing said on the podcast.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the beet burners are delicious. I'm telling you, people are going to be like, all right, fine, Emily, I'll try it. I'll pickle my own turnips. And then they're going to be like, I don't know how I lived without pickle turnips. These are so much better than the dry turnips I've been eating on my beet burgers. Have you had a beet burger with pickle turnip? I haven't.

I haven't. I've been eating a microwaved lean cuisine lunch. No, well, Emily and I are like the only couple that don't really eat meals together because our diets are so different. I eat like an absolute idiot. When we were recording the show we were in Chicago and we were writing around the corner from a 7-Eleven and I just ate 7-Eleven every fucking night. What's dinner at 7-Eleven?

It's 7-Eleven pizza, 7-Eleven chicken wings, just eating chips for dinner. I ate like a heroin addict. The taquitos that turn all day in that thing? Yeah, man. I think in Chicago, honestly, I think it's probably better than somewhere else where the inventory just stays for a longer time. The hot dogs turn and turn and turn for a week and then they throw them away. 7-Eleven, it feels like those chicken taquitos are getting bought every single day in Chicago.

We were in the business district and everything shut down around us. My only choice for a late night meal was 7-Eleven. Meanwhile, Emily was pickling turnips. And Emily was pickling turnips. No, I didn't have the time to do that in Chicago. I wish. I was eating them raw, son. Your hotel room is just a full quarter of jars.

There's a taquito in one. Don't go in the bathtub on pickling beats. Oh, wow, bathtub beats. That's your DJ name. All right. Thanks for stopping by. Yeah, man. Thanks for having us.

Thank you for having us. You've done the show separate now this is your first time together. Yes. Awesome. Beautiful. Do you want a kiss? Yeah. All right.

You're talking to Amir. Yeah. Whoa. Three-way. Awesome. Opening theme song was that Love Yourself Cover by Dylan. I think his name was Dylan. No.

It was Dylan. Barstow. Wow. Dylan Barstow, right? Yes, that's correct. Wow. It was a good cover. And a good name.

And this closing one is written by Lahiru. It's a Yes Dude parody, sorry, a Hey Jude parody titled Yes Dude, so you know it's going to be good. Damn. Shout out to his Twitter. It's Lahiru. And shout out to you guys for writing a book and starting a podcast in the dead of winter when nobody else wants to work.

Murph Anemoli still churn out the shit, the content. I love creating content. Yeah. What do you think the next content you're going to write is? I guess it's a movie, right? You've done a TV show book, a podcast. Actually, I'm working on an album. Oh, music.

Batta Beats. Batta Beats. Oh, I could do it under Batta Beats. It was going to be the first album I did under my own name. Okay. Can I recommend the title, Turn Up For What? Yes. With a giant turnip?

You can't recommend it. Yeah. You can't recommend it. You don't have to use it. But at the same time, I'd be really disappointed if you didn't. All right. We'll be back next week. And I could call it Pickled Tink.

Pickled Tink. That's right. Pickled Tink. Pickled Tink. That's good. That's good. I should say that the email address for theme songs and questions is ifirushowatgmail.com. We'll be back next week, and we're coming to Canada and Austin soon.

Oh, my God. So come watch us. Come see us live. Tickets at ifirushow.com. All right. Bye. Thank you. Bye.

That was a hate gum podcast.