If I Were You - 315: Wedding Planner

Episode Date: February 19, 2018

In this episode we discuss weird wine, plus ones, and hot professors.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Yeah, if I were you, hosted by Jake and Mia. Ten shows, fifty shows, hundred shows, fucking man. Let's just not even discuss it man, OMG. Got a problem, I ain't tripping, I'ma send an email. I ain't tripping, I'ma let them speak. I can tell you how it started. I can tell you about the show, started as a joke first.

I can tell you that they never cursed. Try to tell a parent that, of course, it's just a lie though. Listen to the show, what you think? I was playing episode since I was 18. I make songs for them, ain't never clean. Alright, sometimes it seems to be a fucking hell. Ten shows, fifty shows, hundred shows, fucking man. Let's just not even discuss it man, OMG.

Got a problem, I ain't tripping, I'ma send an email. I ain't tripping, I'ma let them speak. Whoa. Yeah. The reason it sounded like Drake is because it was a Drake parody. It was not, that was not Drake. It was somebody named Aubrey Graham. That's Drake.

Are you freaking kidding me? Yeah dude, that is Drake. Hey, okay, I'm just reading the email now. Oh my god. Hey, I'm calling Aubrey, AKA Drake. He likes our show. A long time fan. A long time.

I did a parody of my song, it's called, it's a ten band, it's about how you make girls dance for cash. Oh my god. And he wants me to know. Did Drake sign it, Seize the Cheese? He said, Seize the Cheese, love Aubrey, AKA Drake. Aubrey, Drake, Drizzy, does he know Game Boy? Oh, you know what?

Just re-reading it, it's actually by Justin Goncalves. Still cool. Yeah, Justin. Still good. What do you think of the name, Guston, for Justin Goncalves? Isn't it Goncalves? I don't remember, that's why I wanted to just combine it into one. Easy to pronounce, Guston.

Then it's like he's, it's kind of a cool name, because like a gust of wind is like a cool amount, because it like blows shit over. Gust of wind is the coolest amount of wind? Yeah, yeah, other than Gale. What about Squall? What? Gale Force. Gale Force, which is a small tornado.

What's it called? Remolina. It's obviously not the coolest kind of wind. I think it's the most beautiful. But he wants us to shout out his new YouTube channel called Mario World Vlogs. So thanks to Justin. And sure, check out his YouTube channel, Mario World Vlogs. Why not?

I just go there and it's anti-Semitic fluff snuff films and I'm endorsing it. And fluff pieces in between. And fluff pieces about, I don't know, Nazism or something. You guys rock, says Justin. Hey, you rock, Justin. I think the hardest part about rapping would be to like be, to have such bravado. I would feel like kind of, I don't know, I'm more self-deprecating. I couldn't like rap about being the coolest guy in the room.

That's why Kendrick says, be humble. Yeah, but then it's like in the same thing, he's like, Obama's paging me. So like, he's not being humble. He's urging you to be humble. And you should. Who's the most humble rap star? I guess Lil Dicky. He raps about having a small dick.

Or Meek Mill. Because he's weak. He's meek. Yeah. You got Lil Meek Mill. Yeah, we don't know a lot of Meek Mill songs, but I imagine they're like, Yo, I'm afraid to come out of my room. Because I'm so weak and tired.

I don't like loud noises. That's good. That's Meek Mill. I think we just started a beef. He's gonna fucking come after us now. He's gonna beef with us. Drake did back to back and we did Meek Mill. I'm a Meek Little Mill.

Who did it better? Probably Drake. That's fair. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Josh. Tickets still available to our live shows in Austin. I should say that right off the bat.

And in Canada. Vancouver. Canada. Winnipeg. And Calgary. Calgary. That is not in the order that we're going in? No.

I like to make it difficult to remember how to pronounce. You said the city we were starting in first. And then I took a weird long pause. The city that we were ending in first. Then long pause between the city that we are starting in. Right in the middle. And then the middle city. And then Calgary.

Yeah, I pronounced it incorrectly too. Which is kind of fun. So you can go to ifirishow.com to see us live and do that stuff. But for now, we have questions to answer in a non-live version. The kind where it's just me and you in a room. My favorite. Yeah, this is the good kind. We don't have to like tailor to fucking guests.

Like, oh, what are you emptying? Oh, how's it going? You're drinking a coffee. I have a little kroy. And it's fine. I don't. Yeah. It's 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

That's right. And we're getting amped. And we're nude to go for a greasy, oiled dark out. And we don't have to be friendly to anyone. We don't have to say, oh my god, it's been so long. What are you up to? We can be nasty little boys the way that we are. Yeah.

I'm a nasty child tonight. What? I'm such a nasty child tonight. What do you mean? What are you going to do? I'm just going to be sort of like a dickling devilish little impy boy. Oh, I don't want that. Yeah.

I don't want you to do that either. Yeah. Well, I'm going to be hanging around you causing a bit of a ruckus and a small scene. A Ramolina for the night, if you will. I don't. I won't. Here's a question about wedding etiquette that I thought you could have a level of expertise on with your wedding.

Oh, yeah. How perfect. And all day long and all evening long, I get into vile arguments with my fiance and her family and my family about the wedding. So why, the one hour respite I have, why wouldn't I want to talk about weddings? You get into fights with your fiance or family. Let's just answer the question. I don't want to get into the personal shit.

Will you be able to separate it? Because it sounds like you're just ready to vent or something. Will we get separated? No. It's not what I said. Dude, just ask the question. You're turning this into this weird expose. Like I said something nasty about my fiance.

Yeah. I didn't try to say that. But now I think that you did. All right. This is a guy's name. What's your fiance's dad's name, for example? Full name. I'm not going to give you his fucking full, Jack Martin.

And I really hate that you ask. Jack writes, what's up, men? Jack Martin is actually Marty's dad. Really? I thought Marty's. Marty's full name is Martin Martin. No, I thought was Marty his first name or his last name. I thought it was Michael Martin.

Oh, so his first name is Michael and we call him Marty. Yeah. Got it. Michael Martin and his dad, Jack Martin. Right. I have recently found myself in quite a precarious situation. My cousin is getting married in a few weeks and he graciously gave every single one of my family members a plus one to the wedding.

I am one of four boys and three of them are all going to bring their girlfriend to the wedding. I, being the heterosexual without a girlfriend, decided I would use my plus one to bring my best friend in the whole world, Greg. However, when I told my dad about this, he said it was wrong and that I quote, shouldn't bring a plus one if I'm not romantically involved with them. What the fuck? It says plus one dad, not plus one person that you're fucking.

What should I do? Should I convince my dad that my cousin would be cool with me bringing anyone? Or should I tell my dad that I'm gay and that my friend is actually my boyfriend? Any help would be greatly appreciated with love. Jack. Jack, you asshole. It's really fun to hear somebody that's so clearly wrong be like, what the fuck? I can't bring Greg.

Is that a rule though? It's not a rule, but it's, I mean, it's an etiquette question. Yeah. You get a plus one for a significant other. Oh, but you can't bring a friend. No, it's not like weddings are, as someone who's planning them, they cost hundreds of dollars per person. So a plus one is like, and if you are also going to be marrying somebody soon, if you

have a companion, I'm going to be nice enough to pay for their dinner as well. But it's not like, oh, if Greg doesn't come, the plate gets, it's money you're asking this cousin to spend for your buddy. Yeah. But what's the difference if it's like a new girlfriend or my lifetime best friend, Greg? I think even if he's like, you can have a plus one, you could invite a date to a wedding. But it is, I think it is a bad etiquette to bring your friend.

You can invite a first date to a wedding, and that's less wrong than inviting your best friend. Basically, the wedding has to help you get laid. Otherwise, the cash isn't worth it. Love is in the air. And it can't just be for you and Greg trolling on the bridesmaids. Well, I'm actually gay for Greg. All right.

Then the next wedding we plan is for you and Greg. Congratulations. This is the plot that I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry, right? Chuck just wanted to bring Larry to his cousin's wedding, and he had to convince his dad that he was gay for it. Would you ask to do that? No, I don't know. I guess I'd rather bring a first or second date as like a fun date story than to bring

my best friend Greg. But if I really wanted to bring my friend Greg, can you ask the cousin or the cousin have to politely say yes? I guess that's the other part about etiquette. The cousin would probably, you're putting it on somebody else. Yeah. It's like, just ask. He's like, no, well, if I ask, then the cousin will feel bad and he'll say yes.

So it's almost like it's impolite to even ask. It's impolite to even consider. But if you have a plus one, they're counting on somebody. What does it matter if it's a girlfriend or a dude? I don't know. But it's not like plus one to a holiday party. My car now comes as my plus one to the IAC or maybe it was the Jeff was his, mine was Dave, whatever.

But I've done that. Friends and friends. Because it's a buffet style. The company's foot in the bill. But if it is like a celebration of family and love and you just want to bring your best friend, you should be around your cousin. So let me ask you this. You invited people to your wedding or you will invite people to your wedding.

One of them breaks up with the girlfriend a month out. Let's say Jeff Rosenberg breaks up with his girlfriend a month away. Does he have a plus one? No, I get the money back. So he says, she dumped me, man. She fucking dumped me. And then you're like, all right, don't invite anybody else. I'm going to get that money back.

Or is it like too late? I already locked in 200 people come to my wedding. Now I have to fill that seat with somebody else. I mean, the seat, he no longer has a plus one. The seat is empty, but then I would invite another single person. Oh, interesting. So you've been like a last minute invite to a wedding before having you. I know I have.

Yeah. But is that last minute invite in lieu of a person bringing a plus one? I don't know. But I always assumed it was a single person dropping out. If a lover dropped out, then that person got to like, it's like, you're giving two invitations to Jeff. And now he has to fill that slot rather than you have to fill the slot. It would be a little different if Jeff broke up with somebody because like,

he's at the, like the groomsman table. So like, it's not like if he didn't have a girlfriend anymore, then I would just like another random person that would also sit at our table. It is like Jeff, that is Jeff's plus one. Are you getting money back? Day of cancellation. As long as it's before, I think it's two weeks out, I give him the final list and that's what, and I pay for everybody that two weeks out.

So before, if the breakup happens before two weeks out, then you can get that money back. Yeah. If somebody, if somebody reached out and they were like, hey, I don't have a boyfriend anymore, but I'll try to find a plus one for your wedding. I would be like, don't worry about that. You don't have, you don't have a plus one. All right. So that's a good rule.

So let's say this is over two weeks out. He can tell him that he doesn't need the plus one. He can get the money back. If it's under two weeks out, it's too late. I say you might as well bring Greg. I guess I still don't think that you should bring Greg because everybody, everybody that, I think most people will think that's weird. That's true, but does that mean he shouldn't bring it?

Well, if you want to be like well liked by your friends and family at this wedding and like try to hit on people and enjoy yourself, then I think you might as well not bring Greg because you and Greg will be ostracized. You can hit on people. Like, oh, Greg, who do you know here? Yeah, I'm the cousin's plus one. I'm his boy. I'm his buddy.

You should leave, man. That salmon you're eating cost $185. I get that. No, I get that, but I will dance pretty well. So it'll make up for it in the long run. I guess as, as somebody that's planning a wedding is like there's so much that goes into it. As, as I've gotten older, I've realized more and more how much thought and time and effort and detail has gone into a wedding and I appreciate it.

When I was little, I thought it was just like, oh, this is a big crazy party and like the more the merrier. But there's, there is seating arrangements. There's, you know, the works have gone into it. Do you feel like you're planning a celebration for yourself? It's half for me or I guess a quarter. It feels like it's, it's like, do you feel self-conscious or like you're self-centered planning this thing for yourself? Or do you feel like, oh, no, I'm doing this for other people? Oh, I guess I think that I'm, I don't feel self-conscious doing it.

I feel like, like you don't feel like a bratty little kid being like, and then there's going to be a banner that says, Jake, and it has to be big and gold and I'll pay for it. Those parts, I don't, because that part is what I'm planning for Jill. And then like the part, the part, I feel stressed being like, I hope this is good. I hope it's fun. I hope the DJs, I like, we chose the DJ and we like, tried really hard to choose a good one. So if like, people get there and he's just, he plays like. But you tell him what to play, don't you?

You do, but then they can go off the fucking ramp. Like, don't worry, I got this. If you get there and he just, and he starts playing the electric slide, like everybody would just look at me and I'd be like, I don't know, I didn't put that on the playlist. What if everyone's fucking loving it though? I guess I lied that I did. But like, that's the, that's the pressure that I feel is that like, some choice that I made that I thought was going to be cool, everybody else will think is lame.

I wonder if it's hard to enjoy your own wedding because you're constantly thinking about that. Yeah, I, I imagine it's sort of the way I feel at like a house party, which is like too frenetic and like caught up in like seeing so many people. Yeah, you have to walk around and you like, don't get to eat. You can do that thing at the table by yourself. Yeah, I, oh no, the sweetheart table. Yeah. No, we're doing like a last, last supper style table.

Oh, that's good. At 12 top. That's good. It's always weird when they're just at their own table. Yeah, I agree. So it's going to, we're going to be at the center and then flanked by the bride and groom parties. And I, the Judas. Oh, that's right.

I will be standing behind me with a knife in my back, booing my brother's speech, wanting to do a Jake and Amir skit in front of Jill's grandmother. And like the last supper, the entire meal will be Passover, a Passover Seder. There will be a Marora course or bitter herbs. And it will be the last supper that you were invited to. All right. Here's a non-wedding related question. I hate to open up all these wounds for you.

Yeah. I should, I would do a wedding podcast. Oh, that's a good one. And it would stop when you, you already started a second podcast. You want to start a third? Yeah, actually, I guess I, I, I don't. Can't you just have hard one sure foot, get married in your fucking make them up game? Hard one sure foot is forever a bachelor.

And if you listened to my D&D podcast, you'd know that. Yeah. You know, I read it, he's kind of bisexual, right? Sure. He was caught masturbating under a table and he got kicked out of a, what is it called? A bar, but like. The doorfinage? Yeah.

I want to talk to you more about D&D. We did play for six hours the other night. Yeah. Oh, that's true. That is very true. All right. But you got to get to questions. So this is a 16 year old Jew.

We'll call him Aaron. That's very Jewish. Hi, I'm Aaron. A 16 year old Jew. And my friend who is kind of odd, but is generally a homeboy, brewed about five gallons or so of banana wine. That's right. Banana wine.

All my friends and I thought it was hilarious and that it would be terrible, but we recently got to sample it and it's wacky good. Anyway, he isn't interested in drinking, but he is happy to hook myself up and the boys. Hook up myself and the boys. This would be a perfect situation except for one thing, his parents were totally fine with him making it. But I don't think he's even allowed to drink it, let alone distribute it to his friends. How can he discreetly hook us up with this delicious Nana drink without his parents finding

out he gave it to us? Because if they noticed some of it was gone and they asked him, he would definitely squeal as he is kind of a square. And his parents might even tell mine, how can we pull this off? Please let me know if you have any ideas. What a weird question. Yeah. I don't really fully understand what the hell is going on.

I just thought it was funny that he made a banana wine. A banana wine. I would try banana wine. Yeah. I love bananas. I mean, I have no idea what banana wine. For all I know, it's like barely alcoholic. These kids are 12.

It's also weird that the 16-year-old parents are like, yeah, you can make wine, but don't drink it or give it to anyone. Yeah. Make the wine and dump it away like a science experiment. If your kid was like, if you were a parent and your kid was interested in fermentation, you would, you can't be like, no, you can't do that. I would say it's better than drugs, but he's basically making a drug. He's making alcohol.

Right. But I think I would rather have my kid making the drugs than stealing them from our liquor cabinet. Yeah, but then he's going to give it to his friends. That's like the new rule of like, you can party, but you have to do it at our house. Yeah. You can party, but you have to do it at our house. And you have to make your own banana wine like a science experiment.

You can do shrews, but you have to grow them in your own closet. That's right. Because that's also not legal. So how can you pull this off? I guess you drink a small amount of it and replace it with banana water. Oh, or just have a make banana juice. So why does it have to be wine? It's, I mean, can't you just make more?

You just drink all of it and replace it with more homebrewed banana wine. What color do you imagine banana wine to be? Yeller. Like white wine? Yeller. Yeah. So like the goldenness of a white wine or? And a thick, like a thick cream, like a corn chowder.

I see. So let's put it in a niche. Yeah. Which is actually what hard one ate at the dwarf in it, right? Oh, that's good. What's his name? Hard winner or some shit like that? Hard one.

Because everything he comes by, he had to win his self and he had to do it hard. All right. What else? You would say this shit to hard ones face. He's six foot six and he has three axes on his, four axes. Six foot six. Six foot six. The figurine you're having made is just two inches tall.

Yeah, but it's, he still has four axes. And actually I'm currently in the process of making a life-sized one. Because he does that, he towers over other figurines. Smaller figurines. Yeah, bigger than the dice. So the key here is to make the wine, drink the wine, and then I don't know. Replace the wine. Replace the wine with other wine.

I feel like if you only like drinking it because it's tasty and not because it gets you fucked up, that everybody's parents are going to be okay with you guys having like a glass. It's illegal to drink when you're under 21, but is it illegal to make wine when you're under 21? Let's stick the fucking feds after this. This bootlegger. This moon shiner making fucking toilet wine out of bananas in his own bathroom. All right, good luck.

Didn't you say you used to replace alcohol with water and liquid cabinets? Yeah, my parents drank so little that like, we would be watering down our own vodka that we would like continually steal. We would steal half a bottle of vodka, water it down, and then like we would need to drink, we would need to steal again, but we were just stealing the water down vodka. Which is probably fine because you got less drunk and less sick. And we kept it in the freezer at my parents house and eventually like the bottle froze right?

I was like, I know, but this is water now. Very good. All right, Sherlock, what are you going to do? Ground me? Yes, I am going to do that. Okay, so what? I can't go outside now? What if I do anyway?

Then I'm grounded more? Yeah. All right. You take away what? My phone? All right, then I'll sit in my room. Jesus, what's at the third degree, dad? You really did have so much power.

You just turn off my phone at any time. Smoke me out of my hole. What if I just couldn't live at home? I'd need to be near mother. You mustn't take mother away from me. Don't take me away from mommy. Take my phone, but not my mother privileges. Mommy, he's being angry to your loved one.

Your prized little possession. Don't let him hurt your baby, mother. Your sweet baby boy. This is you at 17. All right, let's take a break. Thanks to sponsors. We'll be back with more questions and answers and maybe some unsolicited advice.

Oh snap. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. Perfect. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is.

Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame.

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message

that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A U R A Frames dot com. And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off

plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. On June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A U R A Frames dot com. Okay.

Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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Hola. It's time for some. Mom, I'm coming. They forgot the best part. Let me see who wrote that. I already forget. I meant to look it up. But we got a second unsolicited device, theme song, Stinger.

Somebody mentioned that. It sounded like when you said it, it sounded like the Mario theme song. So she combined the two. Cool. Unsolicited device, hold, hold it. Sure. As long as you need.

You just let me know. Might be an hour. All right. I don't have anywhere to be. Well, yeah, good. Olivia. It was Olivia who wrote it. Hey, thanks.

Here's my unsolicited device for the week. Go on. Oat milk. All right. Next question. That's right. There's a new non-dairy alternative in town. Forget everything you knew about almond milk,

soy milk, and coconut milk. There is no hamper cashew anymore. That's right. It's all about, oat is the goat. Oat milk is the goat milk. And I'll tell you why. And what about goat milk? That would also be the oat milk.

Nice. It's unlike, unlike its nutty alternatives. I find oat milk to be just as creamy and delicious as milk without the nuttiness of it. Because almond milk kind of tastes like almonds to me and cashew. Milk tastes like cashews. And then there's like macadamia.

And it all kind of a little bit tastes like nut water. Oat milk. That is such a foul. That's like a, that sounds like a sleepover prank. Yeah. Nut water. Oh dude, you got nut water. Then I went to a blue bottle and I noticed they had

something called oat milk. And I'm like, what's that? And they're like, they basically make it out of oats. Strain it, blend it, whatever. I'm like, oh, this is great. I'll go to a supermarket and buy it. And the barista said, they don't make it in supermarkets. They don't sell it in stores.

You have to make it yourself. Then she disappeared. And then she milked me. She made me come into a iced latte. I couldn't believe my dick. That's not oat milk. Huh. Oh yeah.

That's the nut water I was talking about earlier. Ha, good. Very good. Oatly is the product. Not paid to endorse it, but I did go online and do some research and it's Oatly, oatly.com. And indeed, for whatever reason, they're not selling it in stores, maybe because it's too hard, maybe because they're trying

to create some sort of cool artificial scarcity where you can't really get your product. And you got to buy it by the case, which is six cartons of their oat milk. I ordered it online, kept some at the office, kept some at home. I remain to be a huge fan as I not only drink it with coffee now, I also have a glass of it with dessert.

Really? What are the health benefits or the health drawbacks? I don't know. I think the benefits are that it's non-dairy, so it doesn't upset my stomach. And the drawbacks are that it's probably filled with carbs because it's blended up oats. It tastes like the milk left when you finish

like Rice Krispies or Cheerios or something. So it's a little sweet, but also kind of milky. It's a plant milk. Okay. Maybe I'll try it. There's some here at the office. I just finished it. Good shit.

Yeah. Very good shit. But I did order six more. Good shit. I'm starting to resell it, which is sort of my... That's going to be my unsolicited advice next week because on the website it's... So yours is goatly.com.

Yeah. On the website, it's like $4, $5 a carton, and I'm going to start selling it for $8 outside of Blue Bottle. How expensive is like a carton of milk? Probably like two bucks. So it's double milk. Yeah. Double milk and then even a little more than soy and almond.

But what can I say? Like you said, oat is the goat. Yeah. So that's my advice. And there's also chocolate oat milk that I don't like, but it's probably good if you like chocolate milk. Oh shit. If you like chocolate milk, I assume.

It's been a minute since I had it, but I did. I liked it as a youngin'. Fuck it. I'm going to get you... I'm good man. I'm going to get you 144 for your fucking... Totally don't. The wedding thing.

I don't... Definitely don't want 124 cartons for my wedding. What's your address? I'll send it home when you can bring it to the wedding. I'm not going to save my address on the podcast. It's like two... Six... Six...

Yeah. Six, six, three, Main Street. Main Street. And then zip code. I'm not going to just... I don't want people showing up at my... 90241. 90241.

Christ. This is... You know what? They don't accept America Express. Do you have your visa number on you? Yes. I'll tell you it after the... Just do it now.

Just because I'm on the page. 394... Oh, five, five, six. Wait, slow down. 394. 394. Yeah. This is my Mx or my visa?

Visa. Okay. The visa... Yeah. 4797. 4797. 0044. V044.

19919. Slow down because I'm missing some of the numbers. 19919. Say it clearly and loudly. 19919. 1001. Expiration. Expiring.

At this... If I say the expiry, people will really be able to steal my shit. Give me the month then, not the year. 09. 09. What's the year? 22. 22.

And then the little... Obviously, the last step is the security IP number. I know the three-digit code on that. Yeah. The three-digit code that basically ensures... I'm gonna hold up on my fingers. I cannot see it. Zero.

Zero. Don't say... Please don't say the second and the third one. All right. Okay, got the first. Zero. Three. Don't...

All right, I'm not gonna tell you the last one. I won't repeat it. I just... It helps me write it down when I say it out loud. Four. All right, got it. I'll bleep that part out. Please bleep that part out because otherwise...

This is weird. Everyone's gonna know all of... This is so weird. I'm sorry. What's your social security number? There's no way you need that. There's no way you need that for this order. What is it?

I'm not gonna fucking reveal it. What's your social? 066. 066. Yeah. 19. 19. 3795.

3795. And I'm begging you... What the fuck? I just scammed you. At least edit this out of the podcast. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see what happens. All right, do you have anything to promote before we get back to the questions?

I just want people to subscribe and listen to my D&D podcast. Right. All I want to do is play D&D. So it'd be great if I... It was the number one podcast, Games and Hobbies podcast, on the Apple Store. Apparently it was ahead of another big podcast called Critical Role. That's pretty cray-cray. So if you like that podcast, you might like mine.

Not another D&D podcast. Not another... Is it still number one in Games and Hobbies? Now it's fifth. Fuck. But tens of thousands of people listen to you play. It's not even playing. I'm gonna call you out on that.

It's not a... You're not playing anything. It's pretending. You're doing make-believe. Me, Murph, Emily and Caldwell pretended for six hours in the office the other night. We played make-believe. And I'm not ashamed. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

I make-believe that I was a human man raised by dwarves. Emily is an elf raised by a creek. Caldwell is a tiny little hobbit, halfling man, and Murph is our dungeon master. Caldwell is after a full day's work. You stayed afterward from 6.30 until... Midnight? A little after midnight. Yeah.

After midnight. And I should say this is on Valentine's Day. Of course. Certainly you had plans. Oh, I did. And you, what, blew them off? Did you... I guess I didn't...

Were you able to phone or does Caldwell not have cell reception so he couldn't make a call? Yeah. It wouldn't have been in the spirit of the make-believe. Right. So Caldwell can't text. He has four axes and that's all he has. The great axe, the two throwing axes, and the pickaxe. So what does he do?

How's he gonna text his fiance and say that he's running late? This is you talking to her at night at 1 a.m. when she's at home scared for you. What am I supposed to do? I mean, Hardwind had control of me at a certain point. You just have to throw your hands up and wonder. I show up at Bestia. Yeah, it's a reservation for two under sure foot. Hard one.

That's right. Hard one. Six foot six of muscle and beard. Sir, this is the best buy. Whatever. Just give me a pound of pasta. All right. Listen to Not Another D&D podcast.

Appreciate it. That's your unsolicited advice. Yeah. And your solicited advice. Very much so. All right. I got one. It's a 21-year-old female from Canada.

Nice. Maybe she's in one of the cities that we're going to. Oh, that'd be nice. Maybe she's in the Winter Olympics. Can you imagine that? What if it was Lindsay Frickin Von? Chloe Kim. Chloe Kim writes, I'm a 21-year-old female from Canada.

Even though, yeah. I have a major crush on one of my professors. Oh, she's from America. Yeah. I wish I knew enough about the Olympics to know a Canadian. Is Lindsay Von. No, she's American too. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I only support my country. I don't know any Canadian figure skaters. Wayne Gretzky's daughter. Oh, Delilah Gretzky. Nice. I'm a 21-year-old female from Canada and I have a major crush on one of my professors. He's funny, handsome, and so smart.

Now, I want to express my interest, but I'm not quite sure how to go about it. Sometimes I try to talk to him after class, but there are always other people around, slash, we mostly talk about lecture material. I know he likes me as his student, since I'm doing really well in his class. But how do I take it to the next level? One of my friends suggested I wear a low-cut top and accidentally have a nip slip during class. But I don't think this is a good idea. What are your thoughts?

He's in his mid-30s, if that's important. Hot. Thanks, love. Lindsay Vaughn slash Delilah Gretzky. She's going to go from talking to him about test material, lecture material, to showing her nipple to him. That's right. Actually, I have a friend who's now a professor in Canada.

Really? I emailed him and I'm like, is it legal for a professor and student to have relations? And he said, in most major Canadian universities, it is legal. Interesting. Yeah. I wonder if it was, for whatever reason, it felt like legally forbidden, but maybe I'm thinking of other type of high school. That was very bad.

Yeah. But what if the high schooler's 18? Is that still illegal? I don't know. All right. Just throwing it out there that it's not only legal, but both these people are of age. That she's 21. She's 21 and he's in his mid-30s.

Professor, lady has the hots on the prof. What do you think is a good way to win over a professor? I think you have to wait till the end of the semester. Leave your number behind. Leave your number on the test? Unlike, you just write him a note. Thanks for being a great professor. If you ever want to get together, here's my number.

Oh, that's cool. Just go for it. What if your number ends in like 98? At the top of the exam, you're like, my number is 601-59 and then the grade that I'm going to get on this fucking exam. Nice. That's cool. And then he gives you a 64.

He can't contact you because you got a D minus. And you're not intelligent and your nipples were hanging out the whole time. Do you think she has to do well in the class? Oh. Do you think that helps or hurts? It probably, I mean, it would hurt if she was a terrible student. Right. And he's a professor.

Right. And she wasn't interested in the materials. Like this subject sucks but you're hot. Yeah. I don't fancy myself an educated woman whatsoever and you've dedicated your life to academia. Right. We should dedicate it to this one subject that you hate. Yeah.

I teach religion and you think it's worthless. Yeah. So obviously. Match made in heaven. Yeah. But if she stays after to talk to you about the lecture material, maybe she likes the shit. Yeah.

Or maybe she just likes his shit. Yeah. You should, I would say probably wait until after class because otherwise it might seem like you're just trying to sleep your way to a better grade. Or I would think that he would also be like, I'm not interested, I don't date students. I, because even if it's not illegal, it still feels morally wrong. Yeah. So maybe he has some kind of compass for that.

And then like if he says no, then it'd be kind of weird to go to class. Right. If he rejects you and then you're like, okay unrelated, I have a question about it. Yeah. It's like grading your papers knowing that you made a pass at him. Or as your friend advised, he's grading your papers knowing that you flashed him. Yeah. And then he has to pass you and you made a pass at him and it's probably too much.

So you say wait until after class. Yeah. I know I earned an A, but give me that D. Oh, that's really good. That's good, right? Or you say like, I know. And then it gives you a D. Yeah.

I didn't get what you meant, but all right, here's your D. If you have small breasts, you could say I earned an A, but now you just earned two A's. Or you could say that for any size your breasts are B's, C's, D's. I guess it wouldn't work if they were like double D's. So here's two double D's. Yeah. And you give them a little battery, a D battery. And then he'll be like, what is this for?

And you'll be like, I think you know. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. And you're holding a remote control on one hand and a vibrator on another. And he's like, you're under arrest. Am I then? For what? Because I can see there's a bomb in your backpack.

Wow. Big frickin' deal. I also take electronics. Sorry, this isn't my only class, question mark. Like. Shit's weird in Canada. I swear. That was verbatim, probably something that happened every day in the Yukon territory.

They're so fucking back ass words up there. Come see us in Winnipeg, Calgary, and Vancouver. And we'll tell you what it's fucking like in the Great White North. Yeah. We were doing a interview to promote the Winnipeg show. And the person said, what do you know about Winnipeg? And we're like, we heard that it's fun, but it's cold. He's like, yeah, it's pretty cold.

It's minus 30. I don't know what that is in Fahrenheit. And I looked and it was just minus 30 again. It's so cold. Jesus. That Fahrenheit begins to intersect with it again. Because it's so freezing at that point. Yeah.

Oh my God. Minus 30. You want to bring three layers on every part of your body. I don't have three layers for a month. He suggested packing snow pants. And a parka. I don't own either of those things. What I'm going to do is I'm going to get a nice fall jacket and keep my hands in my pockets.

That's good. It might be cold, but I'll be like. Yeah, I'll probably have one hand in my pocket because it's nice to have a latte with that kind of weather. Yeah, that's cool. And a fucking like cigarette. Fingerless glove and like, and just like a hot. Or I might even do ice coffee if that's the... And I'll bring running shoes in case I want to do like a morning run that like wakes me up.

Nice. We'll be sure to bring shorts too because you might get hot on there. Yeah. I'll be going to bring compression pants, obviously. And then I'll wear shorts. And then like a beater. I can't say that anymore. You can.

I was going to pack a beater. What? I feel like I'm under arrest here. I think they're coming back. Muscle shirts. I can't even say tank tops anymore because all these hippies are anti-war. And you're pro-war? I don't know.

I can't make an opinion. I'm pro-mank. What? Mank top. What's that? That's a man tank top. Is that a real thing or you just make it up? I think manks are a real thing.

I might get a mank. Anyway, I'll wear a sleeveless compression pants, one shoe, and crutches. And no fucking teeth. Because I'm having them surgically removed to make my gums hot and Winnipeg. That's right. Either that or we'll just silently hope that by the time it reaches early May, temperatures will hit like at the very least zero. What's the coldest you've ever experienced?

Fahrenheit. Fahrenheit? I guess probably like negative 10 or something? Yeah. That's really fucking cold. This was colder than that. I'm actually pretty scared. We might have to freaking cancel.

Don't cry. Do not cry. Because the tears will freeze in your eyes. You really shouldn't cry. Icicles on your cheeks. All right. Well, that's it. Answered questions, promoted shows, talked about oat milk, and that's it.

I feel like the big three are done. Thank you to everyone who's written in that email address for not only theme songs, but questions as if I were you show at gmail.com. Remember who wrote the opening one? Totally. It was so fun. Guston. Gust.

And this closing one was a reggae song. Hold. Oh, yes. It was described as Jazzy meets Mrazzy. Ooh, that is your favorite. Yeah. It was written by Isaac Balson. So thanks.

Oh, the tune is on my interlude. It is an interlude song on my newest record, a totally real and normal podcast, which is based loosely on listening to the great podcast on Head Gum. Hell yeah. Thanks, Isaac. It'll be out on Spotify, iTunes, and Bandcamp. And there's a full movie on YouTube. This is a lot to unpack it.

But thanks, Isaac, for writing it. Thanks to Justin for writing his song. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back, as always, next week, every Monday on The Monday, unless I won the lottery. And you'll never fucking see me again. You get rich, you wouldn't. I wouldn't even say bye to you. I would leave a million dollars on your desk and take a shit on it.

Sounds awesome, actually. You'll miss me if I'm gone. No, I won't. I'll leave two million. Let's see how you fucking react to that shit. So you're trying to get to a number that would make me sad. Ten million and I'm diarying on your chair. Fine, then I'd be sad.

I'd miss you. Ten million? You'll give me ten million dollars to miss you. I really fucking will. Even if I win two, I'll scrape together the last eight so you can go fuck yourself with it. Take it from the loan shark. And high tail it out of here.

Bye, everybody. This episode is brought to you by viewers like you. Viewers like you, but not you. Get it together, folks.