If I Were You - 316: Brotherly Sex (w/Dave Rosenberg!)

Episode Date: February 26, 2018

Friend and fellow HeadGum podcaster Davey Rosenberg joins us to discuss arm wrestling, cologne, and unfollowing ex-girlfriends on Instagram.See us all in Austin, TX live on March 10! Tickets at HeadGum.com/live!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Okay, alright. That was Arp City. Arp City, Arp City, bitch. What do you think, baby, Davey? Howdy, folks. How y'all doing out there? Welcome to Twin Innovation.

No, no. We're scheming and dreaming? No, we're not scheming or dreaming. I thought you were filling in for Jeff and Mike. You thought we were doing your podcast? I Uber pooled here. That's the cheapest one. Actually, Uber Express Pool is the new cheapest one.

Oh, that's where they don't even pick you up at your house, right? No, that's where you have to get on a skateboard and just hold on to the back of the Uber pool. Oh, you're sketching. Oh, Express. Marty McFly style. Yeah. Oh, wait, is there one where you just,

there's a car going up and down like Third Street and then you have to hop in? Pretty much. Which is a bus. Yeah, you have to meet them at a destination, which is really confusing. Wait, there is an actual Uber Express Pool? Yeah.

Where a guy's just going down Third Street and he's picking people up? Essentially, yes. So it's like a car bus. There's a couple of the people that, I think like there's an app called Via that does it too. And it's, so the drivers are just paid to go up and down one street.

We finally got there. Uber has gone full circle into a bus. And it's Uber for trains. And you can't request a time, but they come at a pre-determined time. Drivers get a bonus for driving a bus. That's good. Okay, wait, first of all, that guy who is on SoundCloud,

Twitter, and Instagram under Arp City, full disclosure, that email was written two years ago, but I just found his email today. He's dead now. Arp City? Hopefully he's still out there making stuff. Yeah, Arp City. You guys checked emails from two years ago?

Well, I couldn't really find a good theme song, so I searched song with an attachment, unopened, and I found like 40. Interesting. Yeah, and then this one was from February 16th. Almost literally exactly two years ago. You know what you guys should do? You should package all the opening and closings

and put like an iTunes album out. Oh, shit. See, this is actually a really cool idea. This is the kind of good unsolicited device that we're going to be looking forward to later in the show, but please don't give in. I got seven. You got seven?

Seven unsolicited advices. Advocize. Do you have more time to come up with advice now? Is that what you're saying? I have a little bit more time, yes. I've been doing a lot of work in the back of Uber Pool Expresses lately. Would you ever drive an Uber Pool Express?

I was actually thinking about it the other day. If I didn't have to tell anyone, not that they're ashamed in driving an Uber, but I actually really like driving, and I really like talking to random people. And you can rent, not rent, but you can lease a car. Actually, no, you'd probably need to at least lease, but you can lease a car for a pretty low amount of money per month.

I had an Uber driver pick me up in a Tesla last week. Wow. And I was like, oh, this has to be some like promotion, I don't know, some Tesla promotion. And the guy's talking about how he bought the car in Chicago. It's like a 2014 Tesla. I used Tesla. For 30,000 miles, and he bought it for 30 grand,

and you don't have to pay gas on it. Obviously. You don't think about used Teslas. That's the overhead with Uber. It's just the gas. All right. So if you have an electric, a used electric car, you can get a used Nissan Leaf for a couple thousand bucks.

And then drive Uber, and it's basically all profit. Because these Uber drivers are driving so much that they end up spending $20 or $30 a day on gas. Where are you filling up? So they're not going to stipend or anything? No, you're not going to stipend. Where are you filling up? Where are you filling up?

Speasex. Really? Yeah, because it's kind of close. Oh, there's a super charging station. So would you be, can non-Teslas fill up at those super stations? No, I think Tesla has, like, specific. Tesla only. Yeah.

Although they kick longer in charge. Let's promote our Canada show. Oh, yeah. Well, we're doing a show in Austin together. That's why it makes extra sense to have you here. South by Southwest, March 10th, we're doing a show. Oh, there's still tickets for that. I thought we sold that out.

It might be almost sold out, especially by the time this comes out. But if there are tickets left, it's at ifireushow.com. It's going to be big. Or headgum.com slash live. Huge. Do you already know what you're going to pitch at that show? I have two ideas. One's a bit raunchier than the other, so I'm debating which one to go with.

Is it as raunchy as your idea that you had on the podcast of bottling women's farts in jars? The true root. True root. Yeah. That actually exists now. I showed you that picture, right? Yeah, I believe that.

True root exists? In that essence. There's a porn star that I believe is selling her bottled farts. Well, if you're curious at all, come watch us live with the innovation tickets at headgum.com slash live if they're still available. And then if you're in Canada, Jake and I are doing ifireushow's there in Winnipeg, Calgary in Vancouver. We'll tag along for that too, right?

Maybe we'll open for you guys. Those are three days. We're going to do March 6th, 7th, 8th, and then on the 9th, we're traveling to Austin and then on the 10th, we're doing another show. It's a lot. Yeah. I'm tired. I am tired thinking about that for sure.

What's that? Is that the two shows in Austin? Well, headgum's doing three shows, but we're just part of the last one. Interesting. It's going to be fun. Yeah. We're excited. But for now, let's dwell in the present.

This is IfireU, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us, Amemir, and that's Jake. And today we have Dave Rose. Squeak. What? Call me Squeak. Why? It's going to be so abrasive.

And now this is the one thing that's worse is you actually just squeaking on camera. You have a Soylent. Yes. Where'd you get that? Is that from 7-Eleven? It is. Wait, you have a Soylent and a Coffee. Yeah.

I'm doubling down on the coffee today. Is that empty? Is that empty? You finished it? It's a quarter full. A quarter full. Wait, so you're drinking a Cold Brew and a Coffee-ist? Yeah.

I don't get free coffee anymore. Did you drink coffee this morning? Just a Soylent. I don't know how to make coffee. And I know I could look it up. It's not hard. It seems complicated. It's like coffee grounds in water.

Yeah. So your coffee intake is just purely free coffee or 7-Eleven Coffee-ist? Correct. Yes. Is Caffe Vanilla the one you're holding your favorite? No, they just haven't had it for like two months. I wanted to try it out. Got it.

What do you think? I like the Coffee-ist. Yeah, the original. Is that the original? Yeah, the original Coffee one. Yeah. All right, so this is an email we received from an 18-year-old in New Zealand. Barely legal, folks.

Do you have a name for this Kiwi who is 18 years old? Do I have a name? Yeah. Bear's Legal. Bear's Legal. Very cool. Any relationship? He's cousin of Bear's Grills.

Any relationship of Bear's Grills? He's still around? He's not. I actually started reading his book a couple years ago. And? Not bad. Squeaks is back. He gives it one squeaks.

Squeaks? It's just the entire book is just pictures of him eating different insects. Shit. Weird. Squeezing water out of shit. Hey, I'm an 18-year-old from New Zealand and I have an awkward situation, writes Bear's. About a week ago I was on holiday with my family enjoying some good old family quality time with the fam.

I had to share a room with my older brother and his girlfriend, which I didn't mind at all. Bunk bags. Bunk beds where I was the bottom bunk and it was a double bed. And the top was a single. So come to the third night of our holiday, my brother, his girlfriend, decided to call it a night and hit the hay about half an hour into my attempt of sleeping. I was suddenly jerked awake by the sound of a bed moving.

At first I assumed it was just my brother and his girlfriend trying to get comfortable, but then once lightly jolt turned into a rhythmic shake followed by quiet moans. I laid awkwardly still while my brother was boning his girl. After 25 minutes of consecutive body bumping it finished. I was so deeply disturbed by this I felt physically ill. I woke up the next day, couldn't even talk or make eye contact with my brother or his girlfriend. They don't know I heard them badoinkadoink, so my question is how do I bring this up

in a way so I don't feel so awkward around them anymore? And is it weird that I didn't tell them to stop or be quiet? I just didn't say anything because I felt it would have been too awkward to tell them to stop. Midfuck. Thanks and all the love. Love bears legal. Love.

You do a lot of clapping on your podcast. We like to clap for ourselves. I'm clapping for bears right now. I'm clapping for the fans. Have you ever heard your brother have sex? You have a twin brother? I do have a twin brother. I haven't heard him having sex, but I've heard all the O'Donnells have sex in my apartment.

We've heard you. Have you not heard Jeff have sex? But I also wear headphones when I go to sleep and I have them on high like all through my sleep cycle. It sounds so bad for your ears. You have headphones on turned high during your sleep. So you're in a bed with ... I'm listening to 15 hours a podcast a day.

It is a podcast that you listen to and then you fall asleep and it just plays through the night. Yes. Do you listen to? I listen to a lot. What kind of genre are you talking about? I guess just like your ... True crime.

True crime? Yes. Oh my God. Atlanta Monster right now is the best podcast out there. Here are your good things. Right behind Tremendation and If I Were You. Just let me keep on away because even if you have your air pods in pretty loudly, you can hear.

Well, I put the pods in and then I put bigger headphones over it to insulate the sound. So walk me through your sleep ... Jesus, it's so loud. I want to understand the entire sleep schedule. Let's say you're going to bed. What time on average do you go to bed? 11, sometimes 10. Okay.

11 p.m. What's 10.30 to 11 if you're going to sleep at 11 p.m.? What's your bed time routine? Yeah. What's happening at 10.30? Do you get ready for bed? Well, I get ready for bed by downloading a bunch of podcasts and creating one of those little playlists.

Okay. So you're like, it's time. I'm getting late. I'm tired. I'm going to get ready for bed. 10.30 p.m. I start downloading podcasts. Yes.

Then what? How do you find 10 hours worth of podcasts to download? If you subscribe to a bunch, then they automatically download and then they'll sometimes play reverse chronological order. Can I mess up your phone to see how many podcasts you subscribe to? Yeah, you can. Okay, wait. While Jake does that, continue walking us through.

Podcasts are downloading. Then what do you do? It's like 10.40 at this point. You found ... I try and stay up for as long as possible. But you still only make it to 11 p.m.? Yeah. Okay.

So how are you trying to stay up? By making sure that my mind isn't drifting and that I'm focusing on what the individual or a group of individuals is saying. Got it. Okay. So the day's phone is still loading, which I guess must mean you have a lot of podcasts. Also, your screen is insanely cracked and then you have that little film sticker over it.

Very good, Jacob. Very good. You don't need ... Did you put it on too late or it's still cracked under the sticker? You don't need the little film thing anymore. Do you want to use my other phone to look it up? You have another phone. Yeah.

Two phones. Two phones. Got it. That's a little fun fact about twins. Are you getting ready? Are you washing your face? Are you brushing your teeth? Are you flossing?

Are you just fully clothed or naked? I usually go to bed fully clothed because I like to be warm under the covers and then as the night goes on, I'll slowly de-layer the socks. So fully clothed for you is what you're currently wearing is a button-up T-shirt and jeans, socks and shoes. Are you wearing all that in bed? Yes. Not the shoes, though.

Jeans you're going to bed in jeans? Jeans are cotton sort of base jeans so they're a little bit more nimble than your eyes should dress. Yeah, to keep me warm. Then I turn the air condition up really high because I like to be cold. I like my face to be cold, but my body to be warm. So you're fully clothed underneath the sheets, air conditioning blasted so that your face is cold but your body is warm.

And then once my body starts sweating, then I'll take off that second layer of socks and get down to that base layer of sock. And in the middle of the night, you were... So, Dave is subscribed to about 60 podcasts. Yes. It's not as insane as I thought it might be. I actually have to delete a bunch because they take up a lot of memory on their phone. Yeah.

I mean, it's pretty insane. Yeah. Okay. So you're fully clothed. Have you gotten ready for bed at all or are you just basically crashing? I never like... I always try and stay up for as long as I can when I'm listening to the podcast so I never want to go to bed, but I'll let it happen naturally because I can't just go to bed without

anything playing. So I actually think I have a ringing in my ear. That sounds like the ringing. Yeah. It's probably because you listened to the podcast so... No. I think it's because of that accident. I like...

My jaw is slightly fractured and I think I'm half deaf in my right ear. So there's a ringing if it's quiet ever. I can hear a dull ringing. So if you're going to bed around 11, when are you waking up? Right now. When are you waking up? Sorry. I like to get up at like 5, 5.30 before the sunrise.

Once you see the sunrise in the morning, then you can appreciate the day because you have to catch the first ray of sunlight. No, that's a shirt. The first ray of sunlight after the sunrise is above the horizon. If you open your mouth and that first ray of sunlight hits the back of your throat, that's your breakfast. That's you. That's you blowing.

Yeah. That's the meat. That's you blowing God every morning. If the sunsets can exist off of water and sunlight, then why can't we also? What's your 5.30 a.m. to like 8.30 a.m.? What do you do? You don't want to know, buddy. It's a lot of bow flex dumbbells.

I'll tell you that much. I'm preparing for the big arm wrestling match with Nick Radd at South by Southwest. Are you guys going to arm wrestle each other? Yeah, man. I've been training like crazy. Was it last year that you guys... No, there was a rematch last year. Dave is...

All right, sorry. You never won. Dave is taking off his shirt. He thinks it's the middle of the night and he's getting hot underneath the covers or something. Your bicep is huge. Yeah. It's crazy that Nick beats you so easily because you're so much thicker than he is.

Yeah, but he hasn't been able... The deal was he can't work out. He hasn't worked out before. He hasn't worked out for six months. Right, but he hasn't worked out for 20 years, it seems, and he's still beating you. Yeah. Well, he definitely has that gymnast body. He's vascular.

He's got... Yeah, but he's vascular, but why? I think it's just your meat, your beef. I mean, look at you. Your beef alone. You're huge. Yeah. I think he's cheating too, maybe.

I'll beat him this year though. I've been training for like two months. Straight. But do you train from just building up your bicep because you have to like... It's shoulder too, right? Yeah. There's the back. And strategy.

No, he hasn't done any of that. All right. No, I've looked. I've watched some videos. Sorry. Let's get back to this guy's question. When you're hearing your friend have sex in the room that you're in, you've had that experience before?

Yeah. Do you mention any... Dave's old apartment, the ceilings, none of the ceilings on the room. Well, so Jeff and Hank's room, the wall didn't go all the way to the ceiling. So there was a little opening. And then Jake's room, it was just a loft that had like a railing, but no wall. So a lot of sex was... And then Dave lived in a closet with a sliding door.

$850 a month. That's a pretty good deal. Not bad. So you're hearing people having sex a lot? Yeah. Because Jake was a bartender, so he would come home at like 5 a.m., which was the time I was sort of... Not Jake Hurwitz.

No, no. Jake O'Donnell. And so he would... Basically, I started waking up at this time because that's the time he would get home and... Right. And that's when you have to swallow the first ray of sun. Yeah.

For sure. My little sunflower, David Rosenberg. But this guy bears legal. If he doesn't think his brother and his girlfriend know that he knows, then he's only fooling himself. They're getting off on that stuff. Oh, the fact that he knows. Yeah.

They want him to know. They don't care. They don't give a shit. And you definitely shouldn't have said anything because that's super awkward. Even if he was physically ill? He was physically ill? What? Yeah.

He said he was disturbed by this. He was physically ill. I feel like you just say... I mean, it's... I think it only works if you say something as it's happening. You can't say something as it's happening. Not so fast! I think you do the clear throat, the loud, clear throat.

So it's like, oh, he's shit. He's awake. But maybe he's not fully awake. So you're like... But like the half talk, clear throat. Yeah. But then they're just going to stop for like five minutes and start again. Yeah.

And that's just going to elongate the entire process. Then you go even more awake. Yeah. I'm awake. I think... Don't fuck. Maybe you start... Maybe you start commentating it.

I can't hear you fucking. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Like really lean into it. Leaning in. Oh, what if you start moaning sexually? Oh, yeah. Act like you're jerking off.

Turn the tables on that. Make them feel awkward. I like that. That's a couple of good options. I actually had a similar experience because I was in the back of one of these Uber Pool Expresses yesterday when I came to record Twin Innovation. And I was watching Vanilla Sky on my phone in the back seat. Jesus.

I've never seen it before. And Anna doesn't want to watch it. So I'm like, all right, I'll watch it now. Where was this? Sorry. In the back of the Uber Pool Express on my way here last night. Got it. You're watching Vanilla Sky.

I didn't really know it. I didn't know it. I didn't know it. Vanilla Sky. I didn't know it. Cracked phone with no space. Yeah. No, I'm Netflix.

I'm not downloading movies. Right. How much is it at Uber Express? It was like $4. From West Hollywood to downtown, you're getting here for $4? Well, it takes me almost two hours. That's why he was able to watch all of Vanilla Sky. What did you think, by the way?

I'm halfway through, so no spoilers. But you know, there's a lot of naked women and someone came into the back seat. It was like an older woman and I was like, oh man, this is like, I shouldn't be doing this because it kind of looks like porn. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much was. Is it good though?

Yeah, I mean, I liked it. Yeah. Where are you getting on the Express? Does it really go down just one street? Did you see the first part? There's no... Where Cameron Deannis is like, I swallowed your cum. Yeah.

Oh, I haven't seen that yet. What are you talking about? That's way in the beginning. Is it? Yeah. During the accident. The accident? What movie are you talking about?

What a fucking movie are you talking about? Wait, what did I say? Wait, what did I say? Oh, I met Ice White Shot. My bad, yeah. Have you ever seen Vanilla Sky? Vanilla Sky is great though. I love that movie.

You're going to watch that movie. Cameron Deannis, right? That's right. Yeah. That's how I swallowed your cum. But yeah. But Ice White Shot is actually even more R rated at the beginning. I had never seen that one.

Because it's Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise and it's like, I think it's like where they go to parties and they have sex with random people. I'm not sure yet, but I think that might be what it is. We're a little off track here though, right? Yeah. Let's do it. I clear the throat. I say just be ready to say something next time.

I don't think you should say something. Why would you say something that's so awkward? Isn't it awkward that his brother had sex in front of him? Real sex? He should be on the top bunk though. Why are they banging on the top bunk? Also, actually, you know what? I changed my opinion.

Don't say something to them as a couple. Say something to him as a brother. Say something to the girlfriend as an outsider. You just don't belong in this family. Between you and me, I heard you fucking last night. Don't do that to me again. Yeah, that's full honesty. I'm going half honesty, the half honesty of your brother.

Why not just put on headphones and listen to something and go to bed? Why are you listening and watching? Some people don't sleep with headphones on. Put on one of those iMass and put on the Twin Innovation podcast episode 34 by David. You're giving him advice going forward. This already happened. He can't go back and talk about it. If it's not going to happen again, brother.

If his brother's the boss that he's making out. And if it's not going to happen again, then you don't even need to bring it up. But really, just like sleep face down, dude. Stop being a cock block on your brother. So if this situation happened. Have you ever cock blocked Jeff? I think I was very good with not cock. I don't know if I've cock blocked anyone in my life, to be honest with you.

Wow. We have to interview. That's how good I am. Except for me. Yeah, that's true. Wasn't there a story once where you begged Jake to have a threesome or something? Oh yeah, dude. It was with you.

What? It was with you. What? Just us three fucking. It was yesterday after the Uber Express pool. I wanted to say I was fine with it. Why did it take you two hours to get here in an express? Because they pick up a lot of people.

So how's it an express? Because they make the people either walk to the destination to get picked up or they drop people off along the route and then you have to walk to your final destination. Where did they drop you off? I was first in and last out so I got picked up at my place and dropped off here. Wow. That's great. For $4?

Yeah. I can't believe they're making money off here. It did take a very long time though. It was like an hour and a half. How many people came in and out while you were on your way here? I lost track because I was playing this game on my phone. What about Vanilla? What about Eyes Wide Shut?

That was yesterday. Today I was playing this game. Stay on Earth. It's a zombie game. What would you guesstimate? How long it took? How many people came in and out? I think it was more than 10.

More than 10? No, no. It's not that many. That's not that bad actually. It is when it's a small car. I always sit in the front seat though. I'm tall. Yeah.

And then I sort of honk the steering wheel every once in a while, let the driver know who's boss. I love talking to drivers. We have a great time. Oh really? That could be a podcast that you do. I was thinking actually. You interviewing drivers?

Yeah. I do this thing where I tell them I'll give them a five-star review if they rate and review my podcast. You've done that before? Yeah dude. It's a scheme, man. Do you do that if it's like a 70-year-old Armenian man or only when it's like a... Yeah.

I take their phone. I download the podcast app. No. You did not do that. I did it once. I gave them a fucking three too. Scheme and dreamin', brother. Of course.

All right. We got to take a break. We're already at a halfway point. Let's try to come back after this break. Strong. With more questions and answers for David. Squeaks. I hated that.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Thank you. The Aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

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That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to.

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Check them out. BetterHelp. And we're back. David, do you have any unsolicited advice? Sorry about that. It caught you a little bit by surprise. This is a new segment, I imagine. Yeah.

Yeah. We're trying it out. How many can I do? Because I wrote down seven. Let's see how fast they happen. Mix liquor with water. Soda is making everyone fat and ugly and it's giving people cancer. Is that one idea or so far you've said two?

That's one. One and then one just stop. That's what your first advice is, liquor is because most people mix liquor with the type of, you know. Oh, so you're saying. So you're like giving a whisky water. So like no more vodka. Vodka water, dude.

It's good. Right. Splash of lime. No soda, dude. Scotch and soda. No soda. You don't need the soda. Wait.

Soda is just carbonated water. You're telling me carbonated water is making people fat. That's seltzer, right? Yeah. Coke has a lot of sugar in it. That's Coca-Cola. Yeah. All right.

What's your next? I mean, I think you could do a seltzer. Seltzer, yeah. That's fine. Yeah, but just do water. It's not that bad. I'll have a jack and coke. Yeah.

I'll have a jack and a lot of water. Text grandma, if you don't want to call her, all these old bags have iPads now with data plans. That's true, and the sentiment's nice, but you didn't need to call her. By Cologne. Wait. The sentiment's not nice. Who's saying?

This is how you get out of calling her. No. You should text. You should text. Grammas have iPads now. They should. They're texted like this. You can call.

It's not sweet. Calling them is sweet. I just didn't think you need to call them in old bags. All right. Next. By Cologne, folks. Yoderent just doesn't do the trick unless you really rub it all over your neck and wrist.

I can tell you from experience that that can lead to a lot of awkward conversations and a lot of residue, actually. I was talking to my girlfriend about Cologne recently. It's making some sort of comeback. Some people still smell like Cologne. I don't just got me two things at Cologne, and I love it. When I think of Cologne, I think of my dad in the 90s putting it on. I didn't know any 20-year-olds, but not Cologne.

I think you have to be gifted Cologne. I've got a very good natural musk. My pheromones are on point. I smell of speed stick and bullet whiskey, and that's really all that I need. Yeah, but then you smell some people, and you're like, oh, you smell good. What are you wearing? It's usually a Cologne. That's true, but I have a natural good scent.

Anyway, what else? You don't know that. A lot of people, they go nose to nose. You rely on the Cologne day by day, or is it only for a special occasion? For the first week or two, it was for special occasions, and then I realized I never have special occasions to go to, so now it's a daily thing. Now it's just for the Uber Express, watching Shrek 3 in the back of the Honda models. I'm tired of running Old Spice all over my neck, and then I get rashes and stuff.

You don't need to wear fucking deodorant on your neck. The armpits, actually. By the way, I saw a commercial a long time ago for degree. It was right around when I started wearing deodorant, and it was like, oh, it goes on clear, and they show you by putting it on their forearm. So for like three years, I would put deodorant underneath my armpits, on my chest, on my belly button, and on my forearms. Like you're making a cartoon skunk, just starting at the base of your neck, going down your back.

I know what you were supposed to go. I'm just like, all right, yeah, so everywhere, everywhere on the torso, everywhere above the waist. You don't take the stick and just put a little bit over the small of your back. Just in case it gets a little stinky back there. Like you're trying to white out a tramp stamp? Yeah, a little swipe where the tramp stamp would be. So far, I think Cologne is a good one.

Mixing your liquor with water instead of Coca-Cola, because that'll give you less of a hangover too, because the sugar dehydrates you anyway. I think this might be the best one, though. If you're a youngin', watch Blast from the past in Encino Man so you can be caught up when Brendan Fraser finally makes his epic comeback to Hollywood, folks. I did see a Brendan Fraser thing on Reddit. He's making a comeback, and we know Hollywood a lot. He was trending on Twitter.

A comeback story. Why, what did he do? There was a GQ article about him and about how he hasn't sort of been in the spotlight for 10 years, and it turns out he like... Wait, what was it? Encino Man and who? Blast from the past, which is a great movie. Christopher Walken.

All right, sorry. I remember Blast from the past. I didn't mean to cut you off before you sang. It turns out he's what? He apparently did a lot of his own stunts in his movies, and it tore him up pretty hard, so I think he had a knee replaced, and then he had a spinal disc that was screwed up, and so he's had a ton of surgeries, and I think he just sort of got depressed and shit. Got it.

Yeah. Okay. And he got divorced. Well, now he's sort of coming back. He's in this new show on FX, but he's a minor role. Is it coming back or not? It's a slow comeback. It's a slow burn.

And that's your best advice is to watch Encino Man because Brendan Fraser's making a comeback and his minor role in FX. Maybe they don't know what the mummy is. It's a great movie. All right. I like With Honors. That was my favorite one. No, no, no.

Sorry. School Ties. School Ties is great. Yeah. The people in that movie, Afflack, Damon. Yeah. They were the anti-Semites. Yeah.

Wow. And then I just have one more. You guys are short on time, but buy Bowflex dumbbells. Okay. Bowflex dumbbells. And some bands because gym memberships are so expensive. Like you end up spending like, you know, $200 or $300 a year on gyms. And you just need to work out at home while you're watching TV.

That's the only way to stay consistent with working out and exercising because you're not going to go to the gym every day. You might go for a couple of weeks, but eventually you're going to stop going and then you just lose consistency. Okay. Working out is all about consistency. Is this the dumbbells? Yeah.

Do these plates come off? Is that how it works? Yeah. So it can go from like five pounds to 40 pounds. And they're like 150, 170 bucks. How much is it on there? Yeah. This one is $2.99.

You have those in your house? Yeah. Don't you have a gym in your apartment building? Yeah. But like, I don't want to go there. It's downstairs. Whatever, dude. I want to work out naked.

All right. You can't do that at the gym. That's true. Those are good. That's a good list. Yeah. I got a couple more. Jesus.

Be the change you want to see in the world. I think you already covered that with the texture. Never get high on your own supply. That's a good one. It's just weird little idioms. Like a desktop calendar. Did I already say the Brendan Fraser one? Yep, you did.

We talked about it. Those are good. Yeah. If you had to pick one of those, which one would you do? The liquor? The liquor I think is really good. And I want to look into cologne. I'm not ready to commit yet, but I'm intrigued.

Did you smell me? I put a little spritz on. I didn't smell you, but does it have to do with how poorly you smell on a regular basis? Like if I smell fine. You're a stinky boy. Am I? Yeah, you often have a B.O. But I shower and bathe a lot, so I don't know.

Maybe I just stink from the inside and I'm rotting. How often do you shower? Two to three times a day. Three times. Look at the amount of lint that his bellybutton collects. This is just apropos of nothing. Oh, look at that belly. Well, I took a shower right before I got here.

Of course. At three a day, you took a shower right before everything. But I did take out a huge amount. I have actually been collecting them. A lot of Twin Innovation fans are reaching out wanting to purchase some. What's the price point there? If you're a $3 a month Patreon subscriber, you get a jar full of my bellybutton at the end of each month.

A micro-oz. That's so little for the amount of effort that you have. You have to mail everybody a fucking jar. I've been putting on 10 shirts a day to try and build up the lint. Jesus Christ. I'm buying hundreds of dollars with the shirts. Jake, did you say you had one? Oh, yeah, but it's mostly a promotion for my mother's sweet chocolate chip cookies.

Oh, she's still selling jakesmomscookies.com. jakesmomscookies.com is, yeah, that's my unsolicited advice. Check it out. Make me a good son. She's also offering a coupon code right now. Really? Coupon code mama. Oh, M-O-M-A?

M-A-M-A. That makes more sense. Mama. Oh, I see. A similar business model to the bottled farts, I imagine. 10% off. And don't talk about your bottled farts. Don't talk about my mother's homemade chocolate chip cookies.

Maybe there can be a flavor, a fart-flavor cookie. Maybe she would do a special collaboration with Twinnovation, where a true root. Jake's mom's cookie's a true root. I've teamed up to create this fart sandwich. You won't believe your nose. These are baby Davies' favorite cookies. They also come with a, oh, she makes biscotti now. Are you aware of this?

That's my sister's boyfriend's mom making this biscotti. Is this FDA approved? It is FDA approved. Really? She cooks these in a commercial kitchen. Wow. Oh. And she partnered with some local bakers, including my sister's boyfriend's mom.

Wow. She's got other moms into it. Very adorable. She was on an act art show a few months ago. Holy shit. Are these cookies selling like hotcakes? Or are the hotcakes selling like cookies? She's got a good plethora of orders in over Valentine's Day as gifts for loved ones.

That's awesome. She hasn't sent any to the office any time recently. Yeah. I'm going to chew her out for that. You know what she should do? She should have like a recurring Valentine's Day thing, where you send them a new batch of cookies every 14th of every month. That way, you can tell your girlfriend or boyfriend or what have you.

Valentine's Day isn't just February 14th. It's March 14th. It's April 14th. And then you get oatmeal one month, then you get oatmeal raisin the second month. This guy connects. And you get oatmeal raisin with some type of job. We know the different kinds of cookies. Yeah.

How about you eat cookie dough for a month and you take a little shit onto a baking pan? 12 little dollars on a baking pan. You're talking about the pure farder, of course. The purity farder. The pure farder and true root. I have teamed up. Okay. Let's take your breath away.

jakesmomscookies.com promo code mama 10% off. Is that mama M-A-M-A or M-O-M-M-A? I already asked. Did you? Yes. On this episode? M-A-M-A. Yeah, like two minutes ago.

Dave's T-B-I. All right. We need a girl's name, a lady's name. Davey. Sasha. That's good. Nice. Last name?

That's enough. Is there any other name? Cohen. Nice. Anything else? Junior. Sasha Baron Cohen, Jr. writes, Me and my boyfriend have been dating for two years. It's great.

The only thing that bothers me is the amount of hometown hoes he follows on Instagram. Some of them hook up buddies from the past. When I was drunk the other night, I took his phone and unfollowed a majority of girls that he follows. I just, I can't just follow them all back because most are private and it will notify when the request has been accepted. What do I say when slash if he mentions this to me? We don't fight often, but he will be mad if I went through his phone.

I just started some unnecessary shit. Please help. Love. Sasha Baron Cohen, Jr. This is a good one. This question excited me because I don't think we've ever gotten one like it before. Yeah. Because it's interesting that she's not like, fuck these girls.

I'm going to tell them to his face to unfollow. It's like, I did it and I really regret it. Shit, shit, shit. She used in the wrong here for sure. Yeah. But now she feels bad. What is she going to say? What can you do?

I'm going to try to turn the tables. She should start following all those girls. Does Anna have any rules like this about Instagram drama? Nothing that's said, but I don't follow anyone that like... You've hooked up with before. Yeah. Out of respect to the queen? Of course.

And then... And also I don't know who these people are. Do you know who she follows? I don't. Do you ever... And if you look through her phone and found out who she followed and it was a bunch of dudes that she had hooked up with, would you be mad? I would, but I know I'm wrong for being mad about that.

So you're like, yeah, being jealous is one thing. Acting on your jealousy. And then acting on your jealousy, especially if it's as simple, if it's not even snooping, it was just unfollowing a bunch of accounts. She can't do anything except fess up. I wonder how many fights are started from that tab that shows you which photos your friends liked on Instagram. If you liked only ex-girlfriend's photos, that'll display in a page on Instagram.

That's public knowledge. And it advertises it. It's forward-facing information. For sure. Which is so weird. Yeah. Instagram, I think when they made that, they didn't realize they were a fucking flirty app.

Yeah. Because then it would be like Dave liked this girl's photo and this girl's photo and this girl's... What does that say now where only if you're scrolling through and you've left a comment on something, it'll show me just your comment. It will show you the comment that's most relevant to you. So if honest, scrolling through a feed and there's a girl that you both follow and she sees your comment on there.

Yeah. Yeah. That's actually happened once before. Not with someone I knew, but I think it was some Victoria's Secret model picture that I liked and I was like, what are you doing? I was like, I don't know. Like, I don't need to like it. Yeah.

Why like it? Yeah. Yeah. I need to like it. I don't know. Sometimes your body just forces a double tap when you get excited. I think more embarrassing than who I follow and what I've liked is if Jill ever went and saw what I'd searched for.

Which is also public. Like sexy beats. No, it's not public to anybody except for... I mean, if you... No, it's on that tab. It goes where you searched for. Yeah. Barely legal.

If you looked at my phone. If you pressed the search button, it like auto-fills all of your previous searches for some reason. Do you want to give us a sneak peek? There should be an Instagram incognito mode. Ooh. Jake, Dave, do you want to look at your Instagram most recent searches? You don't have to...

One of mine is Mia Malcovo, which is kind of embarrassing. I didn't even look for that. But we shot with her, so that's fine. You just go to search and they... And then what? Oh, it's just people. Yeah. Got it.

I see. It searches top, so like it'll show you hashtags that you search for. Yeah, mine are pretty tame, actually. And then there's recents, of course, a lot of basketball players. Right. I mean, there's always... Most of my stuff is like travel and just like new friends I made, random people. But then every once in a while, it's somebody I hooked up with from high school.

I just want to see what they're up to. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize for that. My search is Jesse Biddle, who's, of course, the Atlanta Brave starting pitcher, fan of Twinnovation. He's actually... Jess followed our Instagram account. Yep, I looked him up when you said that. He's not a starting pitcher.

He's a relief pitcher. Well, he's probably a fan of yours as well. 12 points. There's nothing wrong with being a relief pitcher. 12.8 ERA. He was just assigned down to double A baseball. No, not my Biddle. Not my Jesse.

Biddle coming off the Tommy Johns in 2016. That's what I hear. We wish you well, brother. 6'5", 230, which is what I want to be. I just need to gain 30 pounds of muscle and grow two inches. That's almost what Donald Trump says that he, how tall and how much he weighs. No, he does not say he's 6'5". I thought he says he's 6'3".

But he says he's like 2'40". 6'3", 240. Yeah, 2'40". Like Jay Cutler's side. You think Trump's our fattest president ever? No, there wasn't. They're like... Wasn't Taft?

Taft was 3'30". Yeah. Taft, like, maybe this is, like, didn't they have to make a special coffin for him because he like... Yeah, he was too fat. Although, he's still alive. Really? He was sprightly 181, baby.

Damn. He had a glow-up. Let's see. You think the skinniest president was? Lincoln? Probably Madison, right? Your boy. He was only 5'4".

But that's... Oh, you wanted another BMI. Yeah. Yeah. Lincoln looked super skinny. Yeah. Yeah, he was pretty gaunt. Also, 6'5", in like the 1860s.

Yeah, that was hard to do. If you adjust for height inflation, what is that? Like, we had 7'4"? Like, yeah. Is that almost like as if Barack Obama was a 7-footer? Yeah, at the very least. It's like if Brandon Ingram was president. I want to answer one more question just in case people get mad at us for only answering

two. Oh, do we only answer two? Here we go. Oh, the yellow-come one is a pretty short question. Oh, wait. Just spoiler. Did we even answer that guy's... That girl's question?

What should she do? Should she confess? Yeah, I said. Would you confess? Well, like, the thing is, like, he's going to get requests from these people again, and then she should look back at his phone in a month to be like, oh, what are the conversations he's now having? Like, why did you unfollow me?

Don't... You're advising her to snoop and fucking... Yeah, dude. Go hard. Lean in. Lean in. This jealousy needs to be addressed in the relationship, you know, on a greater scale. No way.

So I think you might as well fester. Deny till you die. And if you do deny, I got a tip for you. Drink alcohol. If you variety and音ophone again, delete everybody. Then you just delete... Blame it on the glitch. Blame it on the aberration.

Blame it on the savage. Blame it on... You've got a lot of wrong. Next girl's name, one-less girl's name. Quick. Kira. Kira writes... Love the show, here's the stitch.

Nightly. Got it. Kira nicely. You're... I recently started blowing my boyfriend up, five to six months, but when I go to Spitt, I've noticed he's come as yellow. Football... Oh god, I researched this a bit and I read that this could be caused by health problems or other

Less serious questions reasons. So my question is should I ask him about it? He says he doesn't masturbate a lot. So maybe he doesn't even know it's yellow. Is he eating a lot of pineapple? Uh, I don't know. Could be diet. You think it could be a diet thing? Also, maybe she just has a cold so she's spitting out like phlegm and lewis. How dare you cover up for this guy? That's really offensive. Does it taste weird? Would you want to know how about that? Remember when Jeffy had the toxic come? Yeah, yeah, I do. He just into a sock and it burnt a hole through it? Essentially. It's not far off.

What is it? Or is it too private? It's probably too private. Wow. We were close though. But that acid's bomb. I have to imagine that if the color is yellow, it's probably a little bit ill. Wouldn't you say? A little sour, a little expired come. Yeah, like buttermilk. Yeah. Or we really need to know what it tastes like though. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. So if you can true-root us a glass. How about, would you want to know is the question? Would I want to know? As a guy, would you want to know that's like, by the way, your come is yellow? Or would that be embarrassing and not worth mentioning to you? I'm sure the guy knows what colors come in. Maybe he doesn't.

I think it's always easier to say. You always hide that you've been harboring something. So you have it, you spit it, you say, oh, if you're noticed that your come is yellow, you've discovered it for the first time. Then it's casual, then you guys can talk about it. You don't want to sit down and be like, I've been noticing for the last few weeks that you have yellow come and it needs to be addressed. Come again? That's what she could say to him. Come again? You have to just pretend that it's cash. I think you don't say anything and you just live with this. And now this is your life. I would say I would want to know. I want to know what, I want to know how a lot of my heart gets. I want to know how yellow my come gets.

She's like in a full class of orange she is before she does. Yokes. That's the problem. It's pulpy too. Are you yoking it or not? We have to know if she's yoking it. But yeah, that could, you know, I don't, I'm not a doctor or anything, but you know. I'm not. No. But you know, perhaps there could be some type of HPV. You don't know what these things do. Yeah, you might as well be up front. Maybe you guys should both go to the doctor together and get an STD test. That's always a fun date. Then it comes back and it's like, oh, everything is tip-top shape. Well, all right. Did you mention your yellow come? What? Would you say you're not a doctor? You just play one on Uber Expresses from West Hollywood to downtown.

Yeah. All right. Thanks for coming on the show. But Davey, do you have anything you want to promote before we get the hell out of here? The South by show, I think there's like only a couple dozen tickets left. Wow. So I want there to be some big time fans there. You have big plans for the show. Yeah. Is that your own Howdy shirt? Did you make that shirt or did someone buy it for you? I think someone got it for me. I really like it. Yeah. You want it? Yeah, I do. 40 bucks.

Venmo me 40 bucks to Dave Dash Rosenberg. You're talking to me or the fans? Everyone, Dave Dash Rosenberg. Not an underscore. It's a dash, folks. Dave Dash Rosenberg. I need help paying rent this month. All right. And also listen to Twin Innovation. That's right. It's actually one of my favorite podcasts. Of course. The one that you're on.

Yes. Okay. So your three shout-outs come to the Austin Show. Yes. Venmo you $40 for rent and subscribe to the podcast. Rate and review. Rate and review. Good show. All right, Dave.

Opening theme song was written by Arp City. Closing one is Cuck Finn. This is our second theme song by Cuck Finn. It's a Drake parody. So listen for that. Come to our shows in Canada and Austin. And if you have any questions or theme song submissions, that address for everything is if I were you.

Show at gmail.com. We'll be back next week. Squeak! We're Mike. We're Mike. That was a hate gum podcast.