If I Were You - 317: Secret Honeymoon (w/Geoffrey and Davey!)

Episode Date: March 5, 2018

Friends and loved ones Geoffrey James and Dave Rosenberg join us to discuss pizza, live shows, and the great state of Ohio.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. That's good. Yeah, I could do the third verse. Yeah, the mumble verse. Right, it's perfect because if you don't have a rhyme, you just sort of say, you scat. That made them four million dollars. But it's really blurry cash, so they can't use it.

Dave, you said that mumble rap is big. Scrape! I hate that. Mumble rap, you go back to Howdy. Squeak has become scrape. You've already moved on from the character you created six days ago. That's correct. That's how fast we're cycling through shit now a day.

What do you know about mumble rap? Everything, what do you want to know? What did it and why? It's a hot lanza sort of basis, a little bit of southern tang, a little bit of Louisiana spirit to it. You don't need to check up on these facts. But you have heard of it before? Yeah, it's a little bit of that Gucci man. It's a little bit of that trap, trap, trap.

Gucci man, Gucci man, Gucci man, Gucci man. That's Gucci gang. Okay, yeah, so. It's kind of like Drake too. He raps into a very boring voice. So if you turn up the mumbling on him up to 10, that's it. She said, do you mumble? I tell her mumble.

Be mumble. Sit down. I think Migos is a lot of mumbling too, I think. And they're pretty big these days. I think it's basically like the rap becomes the melody of the song. Oh, as words, lyrics sort of become the beat. We're definitely the four people to be talking about. That's for sure.

That much is clear. We're the foremost aficionados on hip hop urban culture. Yeah, you heard the way Dave said hot lanza. That's enough. What's wrong with the way I say, hot lanza? I guess that's fine compared to the way you say skirt. Well, Jeff and Dave, thanks for coming on the podcast. Two guests for the price of fun.

You guys have never met before, is that correct? That's incorrect. We've never locked eyes, I think. And I guess I'm scared too. I fear what I'll see. Or what I won't see. Oh, we didn't even say who that was. That was the Butter Boys from Ontario, Canada.

Ontario? That's right. What are you saying about southern twang? Oh, got him. Southern Canada. Which the appropriation of culture is what it is. Right. Another topic we should be talking about.

It says the guy who said skirt. You're wearing an Indian headdress right now. Howdy, folks. All right, anyway, thanks for that, the Butter Boys from Ontario, Canada. Welcome to shout out. Is Winnipeg or Calgary in Ontario? Do you think you know? Yeah, they're both there.

Is Toronto in Ontario? Yep. Yeah, they're all in the same. All right, so British Columbia. That's where Vancouver is. Vancouver, and I believe Calgary is. Oh, really? That's not correct.

Ontario is Winnipeg. You don't check up on these facts either. Ontario is like the whole, it's a whole region it looks like. Right. And that's, I think all of Ontario is east of Winnipeg. Oh, shit. Is Winnipeg Alberta? No, it's Manitoba.

What the fuck? Yeah, Calgary is Alberta, and Vancouver is British Columbia. No shit. So our shows are actually three different provinces. Are they three different time zones? Ooh, good question. Canada doesn't have time. Yeah, it hasn't gotten there yet.

It's a place where time is not. So Vancouver is PST, this I remember, and I think that, yeah, I think they are three different time zones. It's central time zone in Winnipeg, mountain time in Calgary. Do they know your schedule next week and the week after? How crazy it is? Oh, no, I don't think so. Well, when this comes out on Monday, we're going to be in Winnipeg on Tuesday. Yes, when this comes out, we'll be packing our bags for Winnipeg.

That's right. Then from there we go to Calgary, then Vancouver. Then we fly to Austin for South by. Yeah, and then you come back home to just change over your luggage and then you go to Israel for two days. Yeah, and then I'll be in Israel. Anyway, but enough about my schedule. Come see me here and tell Aviv. Cash me outside.

A loose 13. Stand up for the first time. I'm going to go half English. That means half Hebrew. David, you know what I'm talking about. Israel's having some issues right now. Let's get into it. Yeah, Netanyahu is a bit of a Netanyahu. You can't see that.

Three Mossad agents, just what's it called with the ropes going down? Yeah, we also have mess with the Zohan. And now you're watching Fouda. Yeah, I am watching Fouda. Clam Fouda. All right, let's get to some questions. This is an advice podcast. First and foremost, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet that we host,

sometimes just me and Jake, sometimes we have a friend here. Today we have two. That's no small joke. And Dave has left Jeff hanging. Oh, he's out. You won't even turn it. It was giving him the fist for anyone not watching at home. That's awesome, Dave.

Nice. All right, here's a good one just to get us started, just to get our feet wet. This one is called Am I Gonna Get Laid, which is also the subject to every email we receive. Yes, that's the subtext to all of life. Am I Gonna Get Laid writes, Jeff, do you have a fake guy's name? Saunter. Saunter? Of course.

Last name? Criend. Spelled. K-R-A-U-D. I like that. Saunter Criend? Yes. Last week writes Saunter.

A girl who is in my close- His name is spelled, sorry. His name is spelled like Saunter Crand. Like it should, K-R-A-U, it looks like it should rhyme or at least be, but it's not. It's Criend. Criend. And it's not a silent N, but it's pronounced and not in the spelling. H-N, question mark?

Exactly right. Last week, a girl who is in my close friend's circle told me that she thought I was cute and has had a crush on me since high school. I don't mind at all and in fact I was really flattered. She's a gosh-darned dime piece, so it was a great boost of confidence going into the rest of the week. The biggest obstacle, however, is that she lives three states away. We've been talking a lot more since she told me that and we came to agree on a weekend that we could go to a semi-half-way point, spend some time together.

She was into the idea and recommended that we get stoned, watch the new season of Twin Peaks together in an Airbnb. Hot, right? So my question is, am I going to get laid? The signs feel like it can happen, but I don't want to be a dick and overstep my bounds with a friend. Thank you. Love? Saunter?

Criend. Crimed into whatever you find. Who says I can't get stoned? Booking Airbnb in loans. What is that? He doesn't have the cash for the B&B, he needs to get the very least. What is that to the tune of? Who says by John Mayer?

Now finally, I would have known why Georgia Why and that's it. Or maybe Neon. What do you guys think? Am I going to get laid? Yes, it seems like you will, right? He's essentially inviting you to a motel to get high and do drugs and watch television. To get high and do drugs? There could be LSD in the mix too. Why do you think that?

Because we get laid. I want to do that. I get LSD at a VRBO. Nice. How's that for the first date, man? Get my DS'd on LSD in an Airbnb. I'm on Acid and on Travago. Can we just get a quaint little mountain house somewhere?

The price was matched and I'm in her snatch. Meaning you didn't get the Airbnb? We didn't get the Airbnb and I didn't get laid. Very fair. Two bedrooms, two blind bags. What do you guys think? I feel weird. I think he'll be resting her face between her twin peaks. Nice.

That was really good. I think he's right to say that the signs are looking good. It sounds like a date. You can make the leap from we're friends to, oh, this sounds sort of like a date, but not like, hey, we're friends too. I'm going to go fuck this girl. Maybe she's not thinking about that yet. She says she has a crush and then she's asking to come meet her at a place.

I think they'll smooch. It sounds like a first date. They're romantically inclined. You never know what's going to happen on a first date. It could go fine. A sleepover first date and overnight first date. Maybe she should have had a sleepover. They're getting stoned during the day at an Airbnb.

So they're going to an Airbnb for a couple hours and not sleeping there? One and a half states away. I think your instinct to temper his expectations is right and good. Thank you. And I'll give you daps for that. Thank you. It sounds like there's a butt coming. No.

No, no, no. I can't. Speaking from experience, I think when she reached out to him, told him this, went out on a limb, because what did she have to lose? They don't go to high school anymore. They live three states away. So it's like, I'm just going to tell him that I'm into him and then whatever happens happens. But because of that, I think why?

She doesn't want to date him. She doesn't want to date him three states away. Oh, so you're saying this has the tones of a booty call? I think she's booty calling him. So I think he's almost right. I mean, not to assume that it's going to happen, but you're not going to date somebody from high school when you live in three states away. And you don't meet in the middle for a first date and then part your ways.

It sounds like she could be super lonely, because I wouldn't go a state and a half away to get, actually, no, I have. Yes, you would. Absolutely. I've done worse. What's the longest you've traveled for a first date? I mean, just to fuck, I think I've probably six hours in a car. Six hours.

I've taken a flight. Christ. When you drove down to James Madison to give me an over-the-pants handle. I appreciate it. An over-the-pants under-the-radar handle. I think that you can reasonably expect that this is more than friends and it's romantic, but you can't reasonably expect anything beyond that. Who knows what kind of pace that is.

Yeah, a lot of friends. Can we say definitely smooching and then she'll see how it goes from there? You could always blow it. I don't even think you can expect smooching, but you can definitely expect that you're walking into a potentially romantic situation. Is Twin Peaks sort of like a sexy romantic sci-fi show, or is there like elements of like, has anyone here seen the show or not? I've seen episodes, but not of the new version.

Yeah, I'm wondering if like, she said Twin Peaks, so they must have talked about this show in the past. I mean, she's literally invited him to Netflix and chill. Yes. That is what it is. Well, at the very least, they're going to sleep together, and that's the most. Well, no, not have sex, but they at least are in the same bed. You think, oh, because they're going to get stoned and have a nap.

They're going to stay the night. They're not going to drive to and from. I still think that there's a chance of staying the day. He didn't say anything. A day-date? That's a state and a half. Wait, if you're three states away, does that mean there's two states in between you two, or does that mean there's three states in between?

It also fucking depends on the states, frankly, because if he's in Minnesota driving to Idaho or whatever, then it's... I'm serious. She's in Seattle. He's in San Diego. Yeah, is that two states away? Yes. That's not three states away.

What if she's in Alaska and he's in Arizona? He's in Connecticut, and she's in Massachusetts. Then that's easy. You meet in Providence, and it's... Oh, you know what? Newport. There's some really cute little bees there. Yeah, I'm on Airbnb right now.

They're not for sure there. I just am really going to suggest you guys check out Newport. Newport, Rhode Island. All right. That's my unsolicited advice this week, too. What is it? Your final advice is to go there not expecting anything. That's my advice to going every single day, but I think you're correct to assume that

this is potentially romantic, proceed with caution, and optimism. And does anybody disagree with that? I'm staring at you, Dave. No. Jake's completely right. Don't expect anything. You can't expect anything of anyone, but make sure she pays her fair share of that Airbnb. Hapsies down the middle.

You know, in Dutch and Danish country. I would just say be prepared, but don't expect anything. So don't expect it from a mental standpoint, but be prepared physically. I'm talking dental dams. I'm talking strawberry lubricants. Mental man. She gets a peek at his overnight bag. Actually, my Netflix subscription ran out.

I have to go back to Idaho now. And then with that bit of advice, would you say... Would you bet on him getting later or not? If I were a betting man, which I am, I would bet on him getting late. Anybody want to take that bet? We can email this guy. That seems like it has a bunch of things that I don't want to get involved in. All right, Dave's taking the bet.

Awesome. What are the stakes? It's actually toxic masculinity at its worst, and I don't want to be any part of it. That's it at its worst. It doesn't get worse than betting on two strangers and whether or not they'll have sex. She's all that. Have you ever seen that? Yeah, I have.

With Freddie Prince? Yeah. Were they bet on the ugly girl getting hot again? I guess everyone won in that situation. I feel like that couldn't get made today. That scene is like... Yeah, imagine going into a room and pitching that to a bunch of executives. Yeah, that'd be stupid.

But she's like fucking ugly and she has glasses and overalls. It's Amy Pascal. I call that pitch a penguin because that shit wouldn't fly today. Well, that's cool. So penguins used to fly? Yeah. Penguins used to fly exactly right. Thanks for fucking explaining it.

Exactly flight. Nice. Exactly nice. All right, here's another one. Dave, do you have a female's name? Cherry. Last name? Poppers.

So this is a stripper, I'm assuming. How dare you? Don't talk about my fictional name like that. And don't talk about toxic masculine. Ever again. My fiance and I are getting married this summer in August. It's Jill. And I'm planning our honeymoon.

I've told them that we're going... That's not Jill. I've told them we're going on a road trip to Portland and Seattle and I've told them that it's all booked and I've made reservations for different activities except that it's all lies. I've actually booked a trip to New York City, baby. My question is, how should I tell them that we're going to New York?

He keeps telling me how excited he is to go down to Portland, Seattle. So I feel like I should tell him sooner rather than later because I don't want to get too excited about this road trip. Or should I keep it a secret until the actual wedding? If you do end up reading this, I should warn you that he does listen to your podcast religiously. So it's possible that he'd find out through you two any suggestions on where to go in New York.

Thanks for your advice. So the advice... He already knows me, right? He does know. Well, maybe that's a good thing. Also, that last part... The advice she's seeking is, where should we go in New York? Not how to tell him or if this was a good idea.

That's right. Her telling him. Yeah. So congrats, you're going to New York City. The problem as I see it is that the trick fake trip might be better than the real one she has planned. So when she pulls that switch on him, he might be genuinely bummed. Well, that's only to you who spent too much time in New York.

Maybe to this guy too. What if they're from Manitoba? They've never been anywhere in the city. Yeah, it does say go down to Portland, Seattle. So I assume it's coming from a Canadian town. So it's like we're going to go to Portland and Seattle for the first time or New York for the first time. I think that there's a believable argument on either side

that one is better than the other. Yeah, but not one is objectively better than the other. What are you talking about? New York is the center of fashion, the economy, food, cinema. Cinema? Yeah, cinema. New York is the center of cinema? That's correct.

That's the one thing that LA has over it. Hollywood, New York. Music. 33rd and 4th. Top culture. What about hot lines? Advertising. All right, so.

Yeah, let's go to the center of advertising. You're my mad man, baby. So would you say she should spoil the surprise at this point or just keep it going? No, I think if she had the inclination to surprise him with New York, then it must mean that he would be equally excited about New York. That's a dangerous surprise, the honeymoon surprise,

because there's some planning that has to go into it. Would you ever consider surprise honeymooning? I would consider a surprise honeymoon, but I would not consider a fake out honeymoon. Yeah, it's like a pay-and-switch, which is different than a surprise. Oh, surprise is like, let's not plan any, or I'm not going to tell you what the plan is, but you're going to be surprised.

It probably depends on what kind of person the fiance is, though. Is he a guy that gets super into restaurant research? There's a problem if they're going to Portland and Seattle and doing a road trip, and this guy has researched national parks and breweries, bought a camera to take pictures of all the beautiful foliage around. A foliage camera. Yeah, and then all of a sudden you're like,

and we're going to New York. The weather is also different. The concrete jungle, folks. We're going to Bushwick. It's still a dangerous city. People think it's safe. It's not. Why is it not?

If you look at a map of the gangs in New York, there's a ton of gangs in your hand. They're going to New York for that. That's not true. You can get hurt in New York, dude. Don't fuck around with Brooklyn still, yo. My brother lives in Brooklyn. What up, Jeff?

What up, Jeff? Sorry. Don't fuck with Brooklyn because your brother, Jeff, lives in a really nice railroad apartment in Williamsburg. It's dangerous. And there's gangs in New York. Is that dangerous? It is.

Williamsburg? Some parts. Not the Lorimer Stop, Jeff. He's really not the Lorimer Stop, buddy. Anyway, I'm sorry for anybody. You live on the Upper East Side. I also lived in Spanish Harlem for a year, and it was scary. It got dicey in that Christides.

So this guy probably already knows, right? At this point, whether she's told him or he's finding out now for the first time. Yeah. Surprise. You're going to New York City. Where should you go in New York in August? I would take a cruise around the Statue of Liberty.

Oh, that's nice. Pretty good. Three hours, potentially a nighttime one with an all-you-can-eat buffet. Mostly pasta. So a shitload of Italian food and a small little boat. And then go to Brooklyn Bowl. It's a great spot. Brooklyn Bowl is fun.

And that's pretty much it. That's it. And then head back to Brooklyn. Being in a boat and being in Brooklyn is like not even, so you're not even telling them to go into Manhattan at all. Well, because of the gangs. Yeah. Down near Ludlow, it's real bad.

And Staten Island, take the ferry there. Spend the day in Staten Island. See the Godfather House and then call it a trip. What do you think someone should do? One should do in New York City. I like the, I've never done it, but I hear good things about the pizza tour because it has the best pizza in New York. You're pushing your friend's pizza tour.

Yeah. You better get a kickback on that. Maybe we will. Go check out my brother's railway apartment. It's pretty cool. He'll make you a dish. What's the address there? That's one.

Don't. I'll bleep it out. He'll do it. One Main Street, Brooklyn, New York. He'd love to have you though. He needs a great cook. I think walking over the Brooklyn Bridge is cool for people that have never been there. Oh, the High Line.

That's a good park. Oh yeah, and do the city bikes. Yeah, rent the bikes and bike over the Wellington Bridge, right? All right. Jeff, do you have anything to add to this now New York Tourism podcast that we're hosting for some reason? My favorite pizza spot is by FIT on 27th Street. It's a dollar slice place.

It's pretty good. Two brothers. Your favorite pizza spot is a place that's pretty good. Well, I don't like pizza. You just described your favorite pizza spot. Well, now my favorite pizza spot is here. What is it? But in New York.

It's called Pizzana. It's in Brentwood. It's really fucking good. Jonathan Gold says it's more authentic than some pizza he's had in Italy. Holy shit. Yeah. No, it's really good. It's a month ago.

It was amazing. Cool. All right, let's take- No, the best- Everyone has to say their favorite pizza spot in New York now. My favorite pizza spot? Yeah. In New York?

Yeah. City? Yeah. Grimaldi's in Brooklyn. Mine is Vinnie's in Williamsburg. Vinnie's is not good pizza. Yes, it is. It's a drunk pizza.

It is. Have you ever had a pizza? Yes, I've had it sober many times and it's fucking delicious. They're crust is good. They're crust. I'm not even talking about everyone's favorite part. You know, the part people throw away? What?

Are the paper plates good? People fucking love crust. Crust is not the same as a paper plate. It's discarded. It's trash. It's garbage. I eat the crust. You don't eat the crust?

I eat the crust, too, actually. But a lot of people don't. Dave, do you eat the crust? I don't think it's a lot of people. I think you're wrong there. The crust is the part I like least on the pizza. I'm more of a tip guy. I just bite the tips of pizzas.

Which is why you're starting that pizza tip restaurant. The rest of the pizza is the crust. Just the tip. Now, this is my question to you guys. Do you do the fold? I'm a fold. I'm a folder. I never fold.

Yeah. Because folding is like your own... It reduces the pizza in half. It's like a sandwich in that regard though. You should fold it the other way. It makes me feel better about eating it. Like in my mind, a grilled cheese is healthier than a slice of pizza. Why?

Huh? And a lasagna is the most healthy one of all. Lasagna is just pasta cake. Which sounds good. Hot take. Wait, what's your favorite pizza? I liked artichoke when I was... Wow, that is a thick, creamy slice.

I like my pizza. It does say a lot about all of our personalities. You are an artichoke slice. You're thick and creamy. Every food could be a soup if you think about it. Yeah, I guess if you blend it. Yeah. Milk.

This is the happiest I've seen you since... A mushroom creamy milk soup. Yeah, that is what artichoke is. Alright, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. And we'll come back with some unsolicited advice. Skrrt! Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow! That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member

that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice.

Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like,

could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

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Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A. A-U-R-A-Frames.com.

Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Oh, I'm coming. Gross. Friends, this is... Well, let me start off with a theory. Actually, we're out of time. Thank you so much. Now, hear me out. Okay.

Because it's going to sound like a far-fetched idea. A far-fetched idea. Dave loves it already. Sounds like a cry to me. Wee! Baby, damy style. I truly believe that we are entering a new jazz age. Mumble jazz.

Scat of sorts. Now, think about it. The original jazz age happened in the 20s, right? Fresh off the heels of a war. I don't know. And we're currently coming off, and I believe this, that the war on Christmas is ending this year, right? We're saying Christmas.

So you're comparing the war on Christmas to World War I? You're saying Christmas in what, March? I already know what I'm going to be for Halloween. What is it? Donald Duck in a suit. How does that relate? It's Christmas. It isn't.

It's unrelated, but I plan in advance. So the war on Christmas is ending this year. We're fresh off the heels of that war. Okay. All right. Think about the Me Too movement, the empowerment of women. In the 20s, there was the empowerment of women, the rise of companionate marriages, right?

There's also lots of other wars going on. Just besides the war on Christmas, there's the war on Iraq. Yes, Dan. We already mentioned the Israel thing. That's fine. That's absolutely fine. Real wars, basically. What affects us in this room?

Yemen? Christmas. What? I'm big into Yemen. I'm sorry. The phenomena of the new woman arose in the 1920s, right? I don't know. You keep saying, right?

We're becoming more independent, being obsessed with consumerism. Okay. And now here we are approaching 2020, right? A century later. Yes. Yeah. And all of a sudden, we need to be prepared. We need to start preparing for a jazz age.

That's the advice that we need to prepare for a jazz age. Go to that party. I'm kind of with them on this. Text that girl, and don't think twice about it. Don't think what she's doing, or do I seem desperate? Just text her. And live free. We're entering a new jazz age, gentlemen.

And I'll be damned if I'm not Gatsby. Okay. I'm actually fucking into it. That was good. That was a passion. It's the roar in 20s. Absolutely. They're back.

And it's also, I mean, after this administration, you know, it's going to be more carefree. I remember the Obama years. I didn't think about politics. That's right. So 2020. Yes. You're telling people in 2020, they'll get to be happy again. They'll get to be happy.

They'll get to throw large parties. Champagne and all. And what can they do if your advice is that things are going to start being really fun in the 20s? Absolutely. What's your advice? Be prepared. Buy a new suit.

Be prepared. A Donald Duck suit, if you will. I'm throwing an Oscars party on Sunday. I guess yesterday when the time this comes out. All right. Congratulations to three billboards. Right? Wow, you're going for it.

That could either be as like Jeff called the shot or Jeff was sarcastic. No, I think it's going to win. Okay. And I'm serious about this. It's my working theory. And I am on the record now. I wanted to do this. It would be on the record.

I truly believe we're entering a new jazz age. So do you think that jazz music is coming back? Or you're thinking just like the vibe? It already has. Look at who's the most enigmatic star right now. It's like Ocean. That's jazz. Jazz rap.

Is he the most enigmatic star? Jazz rap. Rex Orange County. There's jazz there. Wolf Peck. There's funk and jazz there. I think a lot of people for Reno Mars in terms of like the dating scene that going to jazz clubs is like, that's how you go on dates, right?

Exactly. That's how adults go on dates. Continental club style. Oh, good. And that brings me to my final point. People are hooking up off their phones, dude. What? Bumble and all.

Bubble style. I met my girlfriend on the lead, right? Okay. The LinkedIn of dating apps. Is that good? Jazz. Is this a safe place? I don't like jazz.

What? I think it's like. I think people that don't like jazz haven't listened to enough jazz. No, I've listened to lots of jazz. It doesn't take. Louis Armstrong? Doesn't do anything. Ella Fitzgerald.

Love her. No, I do not like jazz. That's interesting. I like it as much as I like country music, which is to say I can like listen to it and appreciate why somebody might like it, but be like this to me doesn't sound like anything. That's valid. I guess I should not equate jazz and country music though, because I think jazz is objectively more influential and interesting than country music.

Maybe it's more like jazz and I honestly can't think of the kind of music that I don't like. To me, Dixie, I grew up listening to like my first like record that I bought was Louis Armstrong. So like, hello, Dolly. So I grew up on Dixieland style, New Orleans jazz. I wish my parents, like it seemed like they were on a mission to make me not cool. I grew up listening to Billy Joel. That's awesome.

Well, that's me. But it makes me very, very not like. My first CD was the G code by Juvenile. The G code? What's wrong with that? Not G code. What's wrong with that? Oh yeah.

Is that back that ass up? Yeah. Back that ass up might be on 400 degrees, which. Got it. It's also a Juvenile album. So just for a CD was Louis Armstrong's and yours was Juvenile's back that ass up. Can I see both of your wallets? I've actually cleaned out my wallet.

Really? Yeah. Well, I got my credit card because I left it at a Blind Barber. Wow. All right. So Jeff's got the, you left it at Blind Barber that was last week. Yeah. But I mean, it's tough to go to Highland Park from USC.

Good man. I actually don't have my wallet on me. Oh, right. Dave left his wallet in his vest downstairs. I left it in the Uber Pull Express. Four dollars. Four dollars this morning, really. Just everybody knows though, Jeff has a very sleek, what would you call this, an exo wallet,

the minimalist. Yeah. Card holder. Oh yeah. It's a card holder. It's outward facing. Meanwhile, Dave, your wallet's not here, but I do know that it is so thick that you don't have it in your pocket.

It doesn't fit in your pocket. I got a lot of business cards. Why? That I'm not handing out. Oh, your business cards. Yeah, that's right. You have a lot of your business cards. That's correct.

Twin Innovation Labs with a Z at the end. It's a fellowship. Founder of the Bedavid. That's an idea. The Twin Innovation Fellowship. Yeah. We're already working on it. Fostering young talent.

Yes. Very young talent. Very young talent. You guys should adopt orphans. Talent and quotation marks. What? I was just saying that it's not, you know, it wouldn't actually be talent to people that would apply to this.

What do you mean? Orphans can't be talented? I know. That's what he said. I did it. Your toxic masculinity is bleeding through. Who do you think would win in a fight speaking of toxic masculinity? You, Amir or Dave?

Me? What are you talking about? Why would Amir even be in the running? I have so much anger behind my eyes. People don't understand. Well, Amir's been working out. Yeah, but he likes Amir. He doesn't have that.

I was born from hate. You have pain? Yeah, I have pain so deep in me that I think I could pull out Amir's throat if I wanted to. Take his Adam's apple. Yeah. I've been sharpening the ends of my fingertips and that. I hate that.

I don't want that. A, to learn how to play the mandolin and B, to be able to crush his throat. How about we're doing a show together at South By, right? Oh, yeah. Saturday. It's innovation. And if I were you, if we sell out, which we're dangerously close to, you can kill me on stage.

End of the show. You lift me up and do a mortal combat fatality. Well, I'm doing the arm wrestling. I'm doing the Nick Rad arm wrestling. Right. So are you trained for that? How do you feel? I feel pretty good right now.

Which arm are you doing, right? I think we're going to do a four out of seven, alternating each arm because I'm actually stronger in my left arm than my right arm, even though I'm right-handed. Interesting. I can't tell you why. But I am. We all know it's master-kicking. Right left, right left, until somebody's won four.

I guess. It seems like arm wrestling is pretty objective. If you lose one pretty handedly, I don't see you coming back. Maybe it's two out of three alternate. No, I like the seven games seriously. I mean, I like the idea of endurance as well as strength. That's true. Which is where you might get Nick.

Yeah. A marathon, not a sprint. Right. Should we take the over-under here? How many games? I think Nick takes it in four. Yeah. Half is the over-under, and you go under four and a half games.

You think Nick's going to win everyone? Yes. Amir, you do as well? I say I'll give him, I'll give you one. Maybe you win your first leftie. The only thing I could imagine is Nick throwing a couple to make it interesting and building up the high. Why don't get why he's good at this?

I don't get it. You're wrestling him. I don't get it either, but you've never won, and you've also never come close, and every time he arm wrestles you, he kind of laughs. So like. I guess that's why I'm angry. I might take. Wow, I've never seen you admit that.

So that was a cool point. I might take the underdog, Dave and Seven. Wow. Dave and Seven. I'll throw the match. 2016 NBA finals. Yeah. Maybe he'll get suspended for game five, mount and come back and steal it.

I did just, I'm worried though, because Jeff, Mike, and I sort of have this plan, and I bought this costume yesterday, and I'm worried that they're tricking me into wearing a costume and that the rest of them aren't going to wear anything. You can't let that affect you. You got to embrace it. And I'm going to look like a jackass walking on the stage in a costume. I mean, you guys all walk out together. The costume's like kind of much like it was Cartel texted me yesterday, like, oh, you

get that. I'm not going to say what it is. Yeah. But it's like, oh, did you buy that costume? You are saying a lot. Yeah. So I bought this costume. Have you worn diapers on stage before?

Have you put pantyhose on your face? This might be a little bit intense. That's worse. Last year, Jeff ripped jeans off and revealing shorts. Yeah. For sure. That was awesome. Yeah.

The way you're describing it, I see like you're dressing up as Hitler or something. No. You seem nervous. I'm a little nervous. I'm just nervous that they're going to fucking, they're throwing me under the bus here. I think they're planning a big joke on me, getting me to buy this costume. Dave is nervous about being embarrassed on stage. Meanwhile, two years ago, you tried to chug a gallon of milk on stage.

I didn't try to. I did. You banged your knee. You banged your knee on the way up, injured yourself, couldn't finish a gallon of milk and then limped off stage and you're worried that this show won't embarrass you? I guess you're right. Anyway, you can kill me and you can watch that after our show. All right.

Let me, let's answer one last question. This one's a short one, but we thought it would be apropos, which is the sub, oh wait, Jeff, do you have a guy's name? Yeah, how about UFO, but it doesn't stand for what you think. Those are his initials. Oh, got it. So, like, Ulysses, Ford, Oliver. Wrong.

It's Albright. Frontal. Got it. Oral. All right. I have to shake that off. UFO writes, any chance of coming to Ohio in the next four years asking for a friend? Asking for a fiend.

You've been angling for us to do a show in Cleveland, right? I think the time is this summer. And I did not. This summer. Yes, because somebody actually posted on the subreddit, they were like, when are you coming to the Midwest? Oh, that's good. So, we don't have to do the full Rust Belt tour, but I say we do a one-off Cleveland

show. And one-off, like, not even go to Chicago. I mean, we could go to Chicago for fun. Here's my idea. Let's do it the day LeBron leaves. So when is free agency? July first. I don't want to do it anymore.

We'll do a show. And if he stays, the whole city is going to be a buzz. It's going to be a fucking awesome atmosphere. LeBron's back, Jake and Amir, maybe Jeff, Dave, whoever the fuck will do a show there. He leaves. People are, I don't know, burning his jersey again, or that's not going to be the case. I think if he left I as a Clevelander, born and raised, would be fine. Oh, okay.

I'd be sad, but I wouldn't be upset. He delivered the championship that was promised. He delivered on his promise. And also, like, it's a lot of stress with this shit, because it's like, if it was just Kyrie's team, then it's like, there's no real pressure. I don't care. I mean, I'd love for them to win the championship, but if they don't, it's fine. But now it's like, I'm so invested in the LeBron-Jordan debate that I'm like, he's got

to win this one. And I hate the warders. I'm buddies with Steve Kerr's son. I'm sorry for opening up this box. I say we do a show in Cleveland the day of free agency. Like July 8th? Yeah, I think it's the first week of July. It's July 1st, but like, he probably decides within a week.

Yeah, he won't make his decision right away, because he likes to hold fucking teams. It definitely depends how they do in the playoffs. That's true. We're back in the finals already, though. Dave? I mean, I'm a Nick's fan. What do you want me to talk about? Want me to talk about basketball?

No, I was just saying, well, you do a show in Cleveland with us. If Kristopps Porzingis is there, then I absolutely will not do a show on the first half of France wedding that day. Okay, never mind. Fair. We'll do a show in Cincinnati in August, then. Oh, Saba would be happy. Oh, shit, though.

You know what? Any, like, from July 9th through the 13th. That's my sister's wedding. Really? The 7th. I can't believe we're planning. Oh, shit. Really?

Edit that out. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about it. All right, well. It's my sister's birthday, by the way, today. Not the day that this comes out, but I'm going to give her a shout out right now. Got it. Also, Bieber's. And you think she'll listen to this?

Maybe. What's her name again? Sarah? Sarah. Yeah. She lives in my hometown. She's been split her time between New Haven and across the street from the old college humor office.

So, like... That's crazy. Yeah, following your footsteps. All right. Should we sit on the same seat on the Metro North? Oh, that's creepy. Should we try to answer one last question? Of course.

All right. This one is from a lady. Dave, why don't you give us a lady's name? Lassie? Lassie. I like that. Lassie, lassie. Lassie, lassie.

Right. Lassie, lassie. Lassie, lassie. Crassie, lassie. Nice. All right. Are you guys ready? Nasty, lassie.

No, we have a couple more lassie things to say. Nasty, lassie. I have a huge crush on my younger brother's best friend. Nice. Hot. That is fucking... Yeah, that's the goddamn dream. That's hot.

Yeah. How many young brother's friends like, fuck, dream that this email is being written about them? Yeah. We'll shout out to your sister. She has a younger brother. Maybe she has a crush on one of your best friends. Doubtful.

All my friends are fuggly. I keep it that way on purpose. Along with his green eyes, I'm a sucker for his charming and funny personality. I realized I was into him when he was 19 and I was 24, and I've been ignoring these feelings for five years. I see him a few times a week, and we all go to the beach together regularly. This is written by the friend. This is written...

This is fanfic. We go to the beach regularly. He and I became close over the years and confide in each other, sometimes even meet for drinks without anyone else coming along. In both sober and alcohol-fueled environments, I've noticed what seems like sexual tension between us, and sometimes I think like he's flirting, but I'm never positive. I'd have made a move a long time ago if the situation weren't so nuanced. He's younger than me, our families are close, and we share a lot of mutual friends.

If I'm rejected, it'll ruin our friendship. Plus, I'd be embarrassed, and he'd definitely tell my brother who'd get upset. If he's into it, my brother would be really upset, and it would cause a rift between us and also between him and his friend. So should I go for it, or should I leave this alone and secretly pine forever? Love. The... Classy lassie.

Classy lassie. Sweaty. That was hot. It seems like she only told us the both options, and both of them came with negative consequences. If I fail, my brother would be mad, but if it succeeds, then my brother will be really mad. Right. But is it worth it?

Yes. It's only worth it if you get married. Wrong. That's not true. Because what if he gets pissed, and then you just date him for three weeks, and then your brother's mad at you forever? Do it with a secret relationship. That way, everything works out.

Keeping it secret has the benefits of adding that sultry secret agent to it. Your brother used to say to me, keep it secret. Keep it safe. No, you guys are so fucking shady. It helps. Your farted little Rosenbergs are always that fucking secret. A secret relationship is so much sexier than... Do it in the open.

No. I'm not saying tell the brother beforehand, but tell him early. Tell him early. Jeff dated your sister for how long without you knowing? I don't think it was that long. It was. Exactly. It was a couple of weeks, and it was bad, but it's not as bad as it could have been.

What do you mean? If he had done it for a year and then told me I would have been pissed, I would have been pissed. It's sexy. It's secret. I don't begrudge them having their secret sex. James Bond. Do I have to say anything more?

Secret villains, secret subplots. It's like you're cheating on him. I think you feel it on your own, but once you have a sense of where it's going to go, you have to tell the brother. No. Why? Until the wedding. Just have a secret, fun, secret relationship.

That's nice. That way no one has to know, and if it doesn't work out, you don't have to be embarrassed. Look, I'm somewhere in between you two, because I think they're already meeting for drinks and going to the beach. They're already emotionally dating. Not dating, going steady, but going on emotional dates. I'm with that. They should fuck, and then it's like if they want it to go further, then they tell the

brother, but if they just want it to be on the low key, I think it's better that he doesn't know. What do you think the brother's name is? Vaughn. What Vaughn he doesn't know won't hurt him. Vaughn he doesn't know. But she's also worried about making the first move, because it can be embarrassing if she gets turned down.

She's not going to get turned down. You're safe to make the first move. If I haven't worked with you before, I'm not just going to get a drink with you. Do guys ever get drinks with girls that they're not interested in? Oh, actually, yeah, I do. You do? I've never done that. I have a lot of close girlfriends.

Yeah, but that you met in such a situation, would you just chill out, hang out, get a drink with a lady? This is also not even a friend thing. This is like if your older sister's friend wanted to get a drink with you. Have you ever done that? No, and yeah, that's like I wouldn't do it unless I was into them, because it's that is weird. Yeah, definitely.

You have an older sister, right? Have you ever gotten a drink with one of her friends? No, but I did try. I was 14. I did. She was 23. I also have younger sisters, and that was a different story. That was a lot more complicated, but you have gotten a drink with some of their friends.

Yeah. Good man. Was it completely platonic and didn't mean anything? Of course, not platonic, but it did not mean anything. That's toxic masculinity at its finest. That's not fair. That's the other, that's the name of the podcast you're starting, right? It is.

Thank you for shouting out my patcast. What's a patcast? The Patreon podcast. They're toxic masculinity with the doffus hunt, toxic masculinity with the doffus hunt. That was a character I created incorrectly, so I shouldn't have done that. Can you do a little bit of the character? Welcome to the hunt zone with the doffus hunt. Mom, I'm coming.

He's always coming. I'm with Jeff. You can safely assume that this can get sexual, and you don't have to tell your brother and tell you know what's going on. So a half-secret of sorts. A half-secret of sorts. At first. Of shorts.

Of shorts. All right, cool. That's it. That's our episode. Thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for advising. Thanks for emailing in. If you have your own questions or theme songs, it's all getting sent to ifirereashow at gmail.com.

Once again, we're hitting the road this week. We're going to be in Winnipeg, Calgary, Vancouver, and Texas. The classic one, two, three, and then four in Texas move. We're skipping over a lot of states. We're three states away. Question two, the people can make it up to their fiancee, switching the honeymoon by, it seems like they're in Canada. Go to one of the shows.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's nice. Come to a show. So instead of New York, you fucking go to Winnipeg. That first song, it reminded me of that. You know the Drake song? Like, why you always hate? Yeah.

All right, anyway, that's all. Opening one with the Butterboys. Closing one is What The Tuck. His name is Tucker. He's 16 and he's been a hardcore fan for a long time. His sound cloud's called What The Tuck, so thanks, Tuck, for writing in. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week.

Later. Jake in the mirror, Jake in the beach, Duke in the boo, Luck in the park, Bloobity boo, Coop in the park. Yes, dude. Yes, dude. You got a problem in your life, House is on fire or your dog is your wife. Two dudes can help you, but listen clear with your luck, it'll have to be Jake in a mirror. Yeah.

The show where all your wildest dreams can come true, but not really. The If I Were You podcast show, it's time to seize the gene. Let's do a fucking flip-flop animation, dude, man. I want to make it look like the ball's bouncing up and down. Am I your friend, dude? Yeah, what? Am I your friend, sir, sir? I like you, dude.

Thank you. Will you marry me, man? You're going to marry me, sir, sir. And I'm here, yes, dude.