If I Were You - 318: Is College Worth It? (with Miel and Demi!)

Episode Date: March 12, 2018

Friends and fellow HeadGum podcasters Miel Bredouw and Demi Adejuyigbe join us to discuss private parts, living abroad, and learning how to cook for yourself.And catch our episode of their podcast, PUNCH UP THE JAM, on HeadGum.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Now we're just going to go around Miami giving out sort of okay advice to strangers. You're talking about the video where Drake gives a solid amount of cash to strangers? Yes. Demi and Mielle. What's up? Hello. In the house.

That was accurately stated, a God's plan. Drake parody, though Mielle brings up a good point. Is it a parody if he just steals the beat and then makes a different song about it? It's just like a remake. Part two. Yeah. It's not making a, although like what did Weird Al do? Did Weird Al do parodies or did he just like, like his Amish parody?

Well, because it rhymes. So I feel like it rhymes with the original title. But it's not like commenting on the original. No. It's just like a song that sounds like the original. Yeah. What defines parody? Yeah.

Do we do parodies? I don't know. Chammer is that just using the beat. I just hear that word a lot. Parody is just sort of a way that you can get away with stealing. Yeah. No, no, no, I was making fun of it. Were you or did you just take the beats?

Well, whatever. It's a parody. It's also funny that he's saying parody. Ice Ice Baby is a parody. Yeah. Parody. I didn't steal it, but if I did, it was actually a parody. Like I said, it was written by Aaron Tian and he said he has no SoundCloud to promote,

but he did make an app called FlightDrop that helps you search for airfare. Okay. Cool. So FlightDrop, shout out to FlightDrop, which is also a cool name. I thought it was like a plane simulator where you get to crash for fun. Is that true? No. Oh, you're saying it sounds like that.

Yeah. I'm punching that idea up. If you haven't already done too much. That's what you guys are pros at. Yeah. When people tell us things they've done, we're like, here's how it could be better. We have no friends. We should say that you have a new headgun podcast called Punch Up the Jam where you guys make

these types of, no, I don't want to say parody now because I'm afraid, you take songs and make them better. Yeah. What's the elevator question to your podcast? Yeah. How would you explain it to your aunt? You're in an elevator that's crashing. Okay.

Three seconds to live. Okay. And you want to use that time to get one more subscriber. Splat. Oh, you should have cut Shake Off. Oh my God. It was a test. It started while he was talking.

I would say my friend Demi and I. Just friends. That's how you're right. That's the most. You're right. Barely friends. My best friend. Correct.

Demi and I. We revisit classic tunes that maybe could use a little bit of a shoe shine. That's good. And we try to make them better. Yeah. We try to make them really age well or we're never good at. Or actually are great. And we're just really brave.

Yeah. Most of our songs so far have been songs that we like and think are genuinely enjoyable. But also, if you take a close look at them, you're like, oh, how did we all get so excited about this for so long? They're like the avatar of music, basically. Yes. They are the avatar of music. Very nice.

Jake and I were on an episode where we dissected your song by Elton John. Correct. That's an example. Sure. We did one Welcome to the Jungle. That was really fun. Here's Demi and me and Bean's most insane punch-up I've ever heard of anything. Really?

He made a full musical number. That's the craziest part about your podcast is that every week you not only have to record the show, which is fine, moderate difficulty, but then you write a new song every week. Is that sustainable? Who knows? Oh, I mean sustainability is not what we're going for. We're going to be, I can't wait to see like a progression of photos from like the first episode where the bright item bushy tailed in the end where it's like Obama at the end

of his presidency and we're all gray haired. Kill me. I was like, it's episode 20 and we're dead. But I think by doing this a lot, we've sort of gotten good at doing it somewhat quickly or at least planning it out where if we want to do a crazy punch-up, we're like, all right, we'll record this episode in two weeks. Right. Take your time.

Or you know, just like, live fast, die young. Exactly. Burnout bright. Yeah. Good hosts do it well. Well, this is a different podcast. This is an advice show. It's called If I Were You.

The only advice podcast on the internet that Jake and I host. That's true. Big credit. Sometimes we have friends. Today we have best friends in the studio. Hell yeah. Me and me, hell. I was going to talk about the fact that you guys are coming to Austin with us, but by

the time this episode comes out, you will have already been back in Los Angeles. We went to Austin with you. It was so fun. Yeah. It was crazy. It's so sad that Amir and I died in a plane crash on the way home. I know, yeah. What a way to go.

I warned you guys. You guys, you guys, you can't fly. That was a little weird. That was a little weird. You were, you were warning us. We did try to apply the plane. We tried to apply the plane. It's like, great show guys.

I'm not playing. Bye. That was three days before our flight too. I didn't know what you were talking about. Anyway, these are questions submitted to us from real people. They are begging, begging for our wisdom, but we're going to give them a fake name just to preserve their anonymity so we don't out them in any way, shape, or form. Miel, do you have a fake name to give this person so we can reference them?

It's a lady, an 18-year-old female virgin. Yeah. Okay. For sure. Absolutely. Karlin. Karlin. Karlin.

That's good. Like George? Like her first name is absolutely and her last name is Karlin? Yeah. I'm absolutely Karlin. It's also her handle on everything. Yeah. Sounds like a Nickelodeon TV show.

Yeah. Please don't steal it. It's George Karlin. George Karlin's autobiography too. All right. She writes, Karlin writes, I'm an 18-year-old female and a virgin. I've been dating my boyfriend for two months now and we've been talking about losing our virginities to each other.

He also talks about how excited he is to eat me out. I'm looking forward to all this happening, except for one thing that's making me nervous. I've always been insecure about how my pussy looks. It's a totally normal, healthy, and good-looking pussy. Wow. Okay. Stop bragging. For the most part, in terms of shape and size, the thing I'm insecure about is the color.

I am of Indian descent and I have tan skin. Most girls of my skin color, my pussy, I feel weird saying pussy so much when talking about her, but I'm just reading her email, so I have to. It's also the inflection of what you say, like, my pussy. My pussy. You're really leaning into it. That's right. Head on.

Most girls of my skin color, my pussy area, is darker than the rest of my body. After years of watching porn that's dominated by white and light-skinned pussy, I've grown to find my pussy unattractive. She is writing it a lot, just to fuck with you, I think. I imagine my boyfriend, who is white, has had similar experience in watching mostly white girl porn. Will he be grossed out or find it weird when he finally sees my pussy? Yeah.

Yay. Do guys care about the sort of thing or am I overthinking it? I'm pretty comfortable around my boyfriend and he's really nice, so I'm sure he would never say anything weird even if it did bother him. I'm not really insecure in any other area of my looks. I'm a solid 10 out of 10 smoke show. Okay, again. I can't.

Should I be worried? It does not seem like she has a confidence issue. She has half of a confidence issue, but she writes, should I be worried or should I just let him eat my pussy and ride that dick like the bad bitch I am? Love your show. Thanks, Carlin. I love the confidence that Carlin is bringing to this. Does this ring true for any of you?

Does anybody have a story or a feeling? I was super insecure about the color of my pussy when... Really? Yeah. Beat red. That's right. Yeah. Dark purple like an eggplant.

Oh, God. Yeah. The outside too. Oh. The outside of an eggplant. Not the inside, which sort of looks like a vagina. What? I don't...

Well... Amir took a deep, deep victory sip from his coffee after he said, from my red wine. It is 1 p.m. That is... Do you think that's real? The e-mail? Yeah. I think so.

You do? I do. We've gotten a lot of fake ones. I'm so confused by the juxtaposition of insecurity and confidence at the same time. I think that she's trying to mask... She's definitely insecure. Okay. It's sort of like...

False confidence. The boyfriend's probably a little nervous too. It's like, I'm so excited to eat your pussy. And is it his first time too? Yeah. So we know he's a virgin, but is he like a cunnilingus virgin? Oh, that we don't know, but I assume so. The talking about how excited he is to eat me out seems like a sort of overconfidence.

Sorry about that. That's all right. It seems like the sort of thing that you would reassert to sort of be like, I am so excited. There's nothing bothering me about any of this, but I don't think that it suggests that he's nervous about the look of her vagina. No, yeah. As much as he is just about the act in general. Also, he's so excited to eat me out.

I'm like, wait, you've already been dating for two months. Is there a date you're waiting for? When I was a senior in high school, my girlfriend and I were waiting for prom. Are you serious? Oh, yeah. You're a cunnilingus. I guess, but actually for no, we did the cunnilingus thing earlier. That's what I'm saying.

That usually kind of hoarse before the cart, right? Yeah. So I'm confused. I wonder if that's because she's like, no. I thought prom stood for pussy, rana, mouth, wasn't it? Pussy, rana, mouth. Pussy, rana? Pussy, oh, sorry.

Pussy, rana, mouth. Pussy, rana, mouth. Well, then you forgot the R. Oh yeah, prom. Pussy, pussy, rana, mouth. Pussy rides on mouth. Will you go to prom with me? Sorry, can I eat you out?

I feel like a lot of people wait for prom as like they're firsts, their first sexual experience overall. And I don't, I don't know. Personally, I've never separated like the first time that we have sex from like the first time that I eat someone out. So I just don't think of it as like two different moments in a relationship. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that makes me so sad because I'm like, well, first of all, there is so much not white porn if you know where to look for it. So like, watch that. Yeah. I mean, actually, if you sort by like the most popular videos on Pornhub, a lot of them are Indian videos. Are they? Yeah.

I've done this because of the numbers. Because I was curious. Yeah. Sometimes I don't know like how much Pornhub knows about me. So like when I'm sorting through the popular videos, I'm like, are these really the most popular videos or are they just like the most popular ones that you like know that I'll wait. All of these are porn stars that are into porn podcast hosts.

I get those are the most popular and all of the nervous that like I get too many like step sister videos and step daughter videos. Whoa. There's a like. What did you Google? I know. So now like I, but now it's like the self fulfilling prophecy where I click the ones that are like, yeah, promoted.

Sure. But now. Can you bother to type? There is a genuine upswing and incest porn and I know this because yesterday we had a porn parody contest at our Oscars party and I did not win for itania like to fuck and I think that's really, it would have, I mean, you know, your audience, I would have voted for that. But someone suggested shape of daughter and then someone else suggested the shape of step

daughter and I was like, all right, come on guys. And someone was like, I mean, there's a big upswing and incest porn and see every time I say something like that, I feel like somebody's going to be like, maybe for your Pornhub. Just exposing yourself needlessly. Oh yeah. My search terms are never daughter. It's like how people are convinced that their phone is listening to them and serving them ads based on what they say.

It's probably the same thing with Pornhub. They probably hear you jerking off and they're like, oh, this is what he liked. You hear you screaming out, my daughter, my daughter. Is that my daughter in there? Ow. ESPN.com. I saw some interesting Reddit thing that was like porn, it was some porn site that ranks popularity or maybe it was just that it should rank popularity by the last video

or which video gets closed because it's like, okay, that one is so good that it ends people's porn searches. Yeah, that one made everybody nuts. Yeah, exactly. Wait, do you usually watch more than one porn and one sitting? Oh my God. I don't know. I'm serious.

Oh, that's so. Jake's response was very funny. That's so sweet, yeah. Yes? I don't know. I don't look at porn. There are 30 different tabs open on 10 different. So you're just skipping from while you maintain?

Oh yeah. Mielle, have you ever, you ever open Hulu and skip through a million types of shows before finding the one that you want to watch? No. Well, I can't relate. I watch porn. I know what I like. I watch porn like Tom Cruise in Minority Report.

It's like windows everywhere. You need to get yourself a precog. Somebody's like, you're going to come to the stepsister video. I'm usually coming to the precogs. Oh God. You're also watching Minority Report. That's right. I'm like, I learned something.

Thank you. That's good. That's really nice. But I feel like to Carlin, I would say that I don't think you should be so nervous about the look of your pussy. Just in general, if your boyfriend's into you, he's going to be into your pussy and will probably not bring up any problem he has with it, but also over time would get used to any.

Dude. If he was like, whoa, it's brown. Dump him immediately. Yeah. That's not on you to have to educate someone else how bodies look. And also, if you're comfortable with this person after two months, I think that they should be so down for whatever. There's no way his dick is just clean and pristine and perfect looking.

Dicks are weird. Well, also, if it's his first time, if you think for a second, that guy is wondering what your vagina looks like and not if he's good at it. Yeah. He's way more concerned about himself. Yeah. Exactly that. This insecurity thing is going both ways, for sure.

I even... Oh, go ahead. I was just going to say that I wonder if his excitement to eat her out is based on him being like, I might not be good at sex, so I've just been practicing cuddling, as I'm going to fucking nail this part of it. I know I'm going to explode as soon as you touch my penis, so I'm going to try to get you off first. Yeah.

I think that if you guys are ready to go down on each other and start fucking, you could also tell him if you're insecure about something, you are allowed to talk about it. Yeah. You could even just say like, I'm so scared my vagina is brown and everyone I've seen has been pink. Right. And I bet your boyfriend is going to be like, I know, I have an idea of what it will look like.

Because who's to say he doesn't watch Not White Porn? You don't know what he can do. So would you bring it up if you were her, or would you just say he probably won't know or care and it's better not to bring it up at all? I think if I were her outside of him, if I felt weird about my body, I would work on that as a person. Oh, like dying it? Yeah.

Your whole body. Labia bleaching for sure. Everything but. Like a little labial bleach. I totally get why she'd be insecure and it's not her fault at all. If you aren't white in this country, you are the other. So I get why she'd be like, oh, no, this is weird. But I feel like she deserves to be super psyched about her vagina, even if there's not a dude

involved. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I wonder too, like how much she masturbates. You know what I mean? Because like, there's no way to make yourself feel sexier than to just be like, yeah, look at that.

Yeah, get it girl. Like. Yo, break out the mirror, babe. Yeah, you know. So I'm going to, I'll respond and I'll answer, I'll ask her how often do you masturbate as a follow-up? You said Pussy way more than she wrote it in that email too. You said private parts, I'm pretty sure.

Oh yeah, I'm so sorry. I'm mis-ret or maybe it was some sort of weird acronym. Anyway, I think answer that one. Yeah, I think so. I think it's all going to work out. Your boyfriend's going to be very, very excited about your vagina. Yeah, I mean, and you should be too. Yeah.

True. Vaginas are tight as fuck. I like literally babies. But not all of them and that's okay. Yeah. But by the, somebody brought up a good point. It was you that, Demi, that this guy's nervous as fuck about his dick. Oh yeah.

So like, he probably does not have the, like the space right now to be like, oh, her pussy is weird. No. Your pussy can be a square and he'd just be like, oh, I hope my dick is going to, is my dick weird? Should my dick be a square? That's what the, like, yeah, there's the first kiss, first blow job, first sex, and then the first time you just like ask somebody if your dick is fine.

Right. When did you lose your, is my dick fine, virginity? I haven't. Nice. And everybody tells me it's fucked up actually, so I'm waiting for that one person to tell me it's fine. All right, Demi. Do you have a 47 year old man's name?

Ooh. He's got to be 47 though. 47? Yep. Richie. Nice. He never outgrew it, huh? Nope.

Sometimes you find something that works. He wears a really small leather jacket. Rich, no dick. Hey guys, I'm Richie, a 47 year old man, and I'm probably one of your oldest listeners. Richie Rich. Hell yeah. And should I do this by saying I won't offer him a job, or should I accept that school is just not for him, and let him start his adult life working for me?

Best regards. Richie. Love. What do you guys think about college? Did you go? Is it overrated? Is it underrated? I went to college.

I think it's partially overrated. Where did you go? I went to UT in Austin. Oh, I knew that. Great school. I feel like, funny enough, I think this is like the opposite sort, like my advice is probably the opposite thing that a lot of parents suggest, where it's like they take a gap year and then go to college.

I think I would say because he seems so cock-sure of not wanting to go to college and like wanting to fall back on this thing that his dad can provide for him, I would say if he can go to college for a year and then decide whether or not it's truly for him. Right. Oh, cool. And it's also a community college. And is it in his same town? Would he be moving out?

I would assume it's community college. It's close to home. So he's probably still going to live at home then. Yeah, let's say he still lives at home. Is that really an experience then? It's not necessarily the quintessential college experience. No. It's just the classes part.

It's just classes. Yeah. Which is like the worst part of college. Unless you're figuring out how to do laundry, it's not really college, I think. I do think that classes are the least essential part of college because it's like just an extension of education, but the biggest part of college is learning to be an adult, which means completely separating yourself from your parents. And like getting out of your comfort zone and like trying new shit and being around new

types of people. Being a member of a community. Right. What about you? Some sort of fraternity. How about you, Mielle? What's your college experience? Okay.

Well, in a nutshell, I knew I didn't want to go to university, so I amalgamated my own curriculum by taking classes at community colleges, private lessons, classes at night school, and I just kind of like made my ideal education from like four or five institutions. Where was this? An a la carte education. An a la carte education. In LA? Yeah.

The birth of a la carte-ness? Like three. Yeah. And I got really good at the things I wanted to do and I was like, cool, I don't actually need a piece of paper to be good at it. So I was happy with that, but I don't think I would have had at all the kind of growth I had and clarity about my life if I was living at home when I did that. Yeah.

That to me is the biggest thing. Yeah. It's all about moving away. Right? I'm almost like, dude, this kid, fuck college. Just like... Give him a full-time job and let him... Trap his ass.

That's free labor. No. Yeah. I feel like that kid needs to go do something other for a while, right? Go away for a time. Yeah. Yeah, learn how to do it by yourself. Or he could go into the world.

Or he could become an adult by having a full-time job and making a salary and moving on. But for your dad? I mean, I think... I feel like this would be a different story if he hadn't already been working part-time for his dad. Right. If dad likes the son as an employee, like doesn't think he's a piece of shit, thinks he would be a good worker and the kid is like, I want to work full-time, that sounds

fine to me. No, he's like that like... When I was 18, I knew what I... Or I didn't know what I wanted to do. So like, I thought maybe college was for me. I had a guidance counselor that was like, college is a bad idea for you. I was like, no, no, no, it's going to be fine. My parents wanted me to go.

I went, it didn't take. I moved back home. Why did he say it would be bad for you? Because he said I was a bad student and I didn't want to go to college. He was like, he was not a great guidance counselor, but like in the end he was right, like college is not for everybody. So if... Do you regret doing it though?

I guess I don't regret it because it led me to the career I had eventually. But I don't know, I wonder if I did know what I want to do if I had like been given the tools and like allowed to do like what I articulated I wanted, I could have done it faster. Did you know before going, that's what you wanted? I knew that I wanted to be a writer, but I didn't really know how. So... I wonder if there's a college out there that just doesn't have you go in a class. It's like you live in dorms, you have to like make food sometimes.

Sometimes you have a meal plan. You got to do your own laundry. But then like you also don't have to go to like Southeast Asian studies one on one. Like that's a weird part of college. It's a co-op. Yeah, I want to call it communal living, a school without the classes part because it doesn't really matter if you learn astronomy in a weird class with 800 people in it. And there are plenty of people in college who have no idea what they want to do.

They're just like, oh, I'm going to do astronomy and religious studies and political science and I'm on a rugby team. Which is fine unless you're paying $51,000. Yeah. But then this kid is like, I know that I want to work construction with my dad. Well, does he? Because to me, I'm hearing that maybe it's just fear of unknown that's informing that want.

You know what I mean? I can't tell if this kid's like, I fucking love construction or if he's just like, I don't know. I'm not a big guy. I don't need to do it. Like is it a confidence thing? I'll just work with you dad. Yeah.

That's a good question for the dad to explore. Is it like a positive thing? Is he like, I know what I want to do and I'm feeling good. Or is it like I'm, yeah, I'm afraid. I don't know. Or is it even just like, I can do this so I explore for their options. Right. Because you don't know what else is out there.

Maybe, you know. So what would you do if you were a parent already of an 18 year old already, would you tell them you got to go to school? Would you say you can't work here? You can't. It's like, you got to go home, but you can't stay here. Like 18 year olds and like an adult, if he's like, I don't want to go to college. You make them.

But what happens once? That's like, what happened to you? Yeah. I made you go. I know, but they couldn't make me go to class. Dad. Yeah. I'd probably be like, I want you to do it for like at least a semester and then we

can reconsider it. Like, because I wouldn't want to force them to be like, you're going all four years and you're doing it this way. But I'd also want to push them to be like, you have to at least understand what college is for you before saying you don't want to do it. A bargain. Yeah. What if you took the money that you were going to spend on a year of community college

and said here, go travel, come back in two months, then tell me if you still want to work here. You know what I mean? Like, because I want to learn something fine, but at least like experience other things so that you don't have that worst case scenario if he just works that job and then resents the shit out of his dad forever for it. If you're not going to go to college, you got to at least go to Portugal. Like, oh, okay, dad.

That's like a sick deal. Who's the man, dad? Here's $3,100. I don't want to see you again until December 15th. Go stay at a hostel in Lisbon. Yeah. Like make it work and then come back a changed man or fixated on this thing you want to do it.

Now you know you want to do it. I'm from Portugal and I built some shit there. So here we are. So now you know I'm into construction. But I don't know how to eat a lot of shitty ass food in a dining hall, dad. Here's six months of laundry. I didn't figure it out. Just wet shirts in a duffel bag.

All right. Let's take a break. Thanks some sponsors and we'll be back with more Demi and Mia after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really

easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. Photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. I heard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go

either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

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And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult

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that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Demi and Mielle, do you guys have any... ...on solicited advice?

Mom, we're gonna fucking come! What? Did you make that? We made one like fake one and at the end I did mention... I don't even know how we got there, but at a certain point it was telling my mom I'm about to come. Anyway... You didn't warn them about this thing at all.

Yeah. We usually play a different one. That one was sent to us from South Africa. Tell me Mielle, do you have anything for me yelling I'm coming inside my mom? I never mentioned inside. That was a weird liberty he took. I love the pause that you had to take before being like, all right, look, I'm gonna have to explain this.

So I'm coming and my mom's there or not. Anyway, Kevin from South Africa wrote that one, so we appreciated that stinger. Anyway, on solicited advice, do you guys have anything that you would like to tell? You go. I would say if you are someone who is creative, but you find yourself getting through a lot of creative roadblocks, I forget this one, Mielle, just find like set an alarm for some point in the day where you are always free and do that thing for 10 minutes, even if it's just writing the words the over and over, because I think setting a schedule for having

to force yourself to work on something is the easiest way to actually get that thing done. And I find that a lot of times I don't get something done unless I'm sitting down and having like clear everything out and like follow this routine when it'd be so much easier to just be like, all right, give myself 10 minutes to try and do this. And then by like the ninth minute, I'm like, wait, okay, I have one little thing and then you like sort of spread that 10 minutes to 15 and then the 30 and then an hour and it's just like if you force yourself to get into the habit of doing that thing that is hard

for you to do, then it becomes easier over time. Routine and schedule. Yes. Do you have a schedule even if you don't have a job that day? That's probably the best way to do it. I don't have a job currently and it's the worst because I'm just like, I need someone else to tell me to do the thing. But then like if I give myself a point where I'm like, all right, I'll just start writing

for 10 minutes and see what comes out and like clear everything. Like I'm not going to check Twitter. I'm not going to check my phone. Just 10 minutes. And then by that like ninth minute, I am sort of going like, wait, okay, now here's a thought that might work for it. And even if it's not a good idea, you've written something down and then later you can look at it for the next 10 minutes and go, that was shit.

Here's how I can make it better. That's great. That's good. I think a lot of things are like at odds with creativity sometimes because you're like, oh, creative, you never know when it's going to strike. Wait for the muse, baby. But like the way our lives are now, that's just, that's not ever going to happen. That's a luxury.

Because you can keep your day so completely full of distractions. And a lot of times that muse will come when it's like, oh, I'm doing something else right now so I can't really tackle it. But if you just like give yourself the 10 minutes or something, then it's like, you don't have to come up with the idea then and there, but you can write a shitty thing and then look at it later and go, that was shitty, but I know how to make it better. Yes. A lot of people don't are afraid to start stuff because they're like, oh, it's going

to suck. It has to be perfect the first time. And it's right. So much stuff that sucks. Yeah. You should suck for a while. Absolutely. Out now.

Get the sucks out. Get the sucks out. Yeah. Mom, I'm getting the sucks out. I'm sucking the sucks. What's your sleep schedule like? Are you like, if I don't have work, I'm just going to stay up till six a.m.? Yes.

A lot of the time and it's terrible, but I think I'm getting slowly bitter about it by having to wake up earlier for things that I'm like, oh, I know that I'm going to need to work with daylight. So I'm just going to try and get up at eight and do what I can, but yeah, it's really bad. Do you have a time of day where you think that you're the most creative or is that like what this whole thing is combating? The thing is usually I feel like I'm most creative at like 8 p.m.

But you're a night person. I'm so very much a night person and a lot of times like we will have a podcast according to it and she'll be like, oh, are you like, when did you go to sleep? I'm like, oh, like 4 a.m. I started working at midnight, but I got a thing done and I need to like push that so much earlier and earlier because I go crazy when I'm just like having to make something at night. And then I'm like, well, I need noise to do this and I have a roommate and he's going

to have to hear me. Yeah, you should buy like blackout curtains. So you always think it's nighttime in your house. I should become a vampire. I could do that. That's your other piece of advice. That's me. L's piece of unsensitive advice.

Suck blood. Two things. All right. Meal, do you have anything? See if you can beat that. It is a competition. I was gonna say something stupid, but now I'm like, wait, that's a good advice. Fuck.

Okay, I'll give good advice. Jeez. It's barely good advice. I feel like something I learned recently that's been a total game changer is that the way you feed yourself affects everything. Oh, shit. Everything. Yes.

I learned the same. We've had pizza and ice cream for lunch. How is that going to affect me? You're gonna shit, man. Oh, shit. It's happening. Mom, I'm shitting. Especially because our generation is so into eating out and eating junk food and shit,

probably more than any generation ever before us. Because we can. Because we can. It's an option. It's so easy. And it tastes good. And it's cheap. And we're all addicted to work.

But in not feeding ourselves and making food for ourselves, it's almost like this subconscious way of being like, you don't matter enough to spend 30 minutes actually making a nice meal for yourself. So if you're a trash person, you eat trash food and then you start eating more trash. It does. Even on a subconscious level, it feeds into your perception of yourself. And so even if it's a simple item, you make yourself a nice sandwich genuinely. Everyone likes sandwiches.

Your whole sense of self is like boosted in this very hard to define way. And then you feel better about your routines and your habits and your work schedule and things just kind of start making more sense and it's the tiniest adjustment. What's in your perfect sandwich? Oh, dude. Okay. Are you ready though? Actually.

How much time do you have? We have like four seconds. Perfect. You take this fucking chow cheese that's vegan and it's amazing. Chow cheese. Chow cheese, original flavor. It's very important. What nut is that made from?

It's like coconut based. It's so good and it melts. Just trust me. I know it sounds gross, but it's bomb. Coconut cheese, okay. Can you take that garlic spread from Trader Joe's and if you've had that, it's got a cult following. It's amazing.

Is it like a mayo or is it like straight up garlic? It's like just whipped oil and garlic. Oh, that sounds good. It tastes amazing. Okay. So you got that cheese. You got the garlic. Spread that all over your bread.

I like to use like a kind of a sturdy French bread and then you get spinach, tomatoes, onion and then if you're into like extra shit, sometimes I'll do like some kind of marinated tofu or like a tempeh shit situation. You're the veggie. You're a veggie. I'm vegan, yeah. Vegan. Yeah.

Yeah, they're, press it. Press it. Grill on both sides. Whoa. Boom. Grilled sandwich. I mean, honestly, if you're feeling crazy, throw in some of those hot and spicy jalapenos from Trader Joe's, which are fucking amazing.

You love the Joe's. Oh, the Joe's is my dad. T.J. Dude. Tray J's is where I live. Tray J's. It's so good. And you're like, okay, I did it.

And you take like 10 minutes for yourself just to like have a nice little meal. Yeah. For no reason. Have you heard that thing that like a lot of you, if you start your day by like making your bed. Yes. That mini accomplishment that like sets your whole entire day, right? Yeah.

Wow. That's the same thing. Yeah, it is. Like even when I fucked up making food, I've been cooking for the last like two years. Yeah. And even when I did it bad, I was like so proud of myself that I'd take a photo of everything. See, it's just like, it's a tiny joy, but like it actually kind of makes you feel good in a real way.

That's one up in the W column. That's so very real. Like the thing I'm like, oh yeah, I fucked this up, but I made it. But I did it. I made fucking pasta and there's chicken on one side and lettuce on the, I'm like, I did this. We don't have many opportunities to feel like that as adults, like other than career-based, which is like, you know, kind of got a dark side too.

Right. Career-based. Just for fun for yourself. Do you ever do the like, deliver me a meal plan thing? No. Like, hey, just throw a salad at my door every morning at 10 a.m. and I'll pay you $15. I feel like I can't say that I don't like those because obviously they sponsor a lot of podcasts.

I'm not a fan. Your blue apron ad airs next week. Yeah. I'm not talking about making it yourself either. I'm talking about that pre-made meal plan shit. Oh, where it's like delivered fully done. Yeah. See, I'm like kind of environmentalist.

So all that packaging superbones me out. My old roommate used to do that and it was always this, it always seemed weird. Like it was kind of just, it felt like he was getting fresh meals, but I was just like, well it's still being frozen and like delivered and like it's just coming to you. It's also not hard to make a salad. Right. And you're like literally removing the human element, which is by far the nicest part of eating.

Someone made this for me. It's like, no, they made it for me. You're paying for an overbearing mom who delivers you food every single day. But it's not even made by your mom. You know what I mean? Oh, because my mom works at Thistle. She's the CMO though. Oh, you're good for her.

She's not packaging. My mom is, I couldn't think of a name, Jenny Fresh from Hello Fresh. Nice. What a weird coincidence that is, Jay Fresh. Are you a good chef? No. Are you Mike Ravens yet? I try not to, but a lot of times I do.

I think if there's ever a point in which I am, I do have the time to make myself a meal, then I'm just like, why not just fucking cook like a chicken in a pan and throw some shit on it. And then I'm like, great, I did this. Throw some shit on the chicken. That's a lot. Yeah. My recipe.

Cook and chicken is scary. It is scary, but over time I realized that most meat is just like put it in some oil and keep flipping it until it's not. Until it's that thick on the inside, except for steak, which is good when it's like that. Yes. The pasta is like, oh, put it in the water and boil it until it's soft and then put some pesto and congrats, you're Wolfgang Puck. Rice is like level two of pasta.

Yeah. It's like, oh, you can boil shit? All right, that's a pretty good start. But can it be the right amount of shit? I've been cooking rice for a very long time and it's still like a coin toss if I fuck it up or not. Yeah. It's never easy.

Although I do feel like I'd be remiss if I didn't point out Demi just mentioned pesto and Demi eats pesto with tortilla chips as if it's a dip. What's weird about that? No. They say, even spread it on bread. Why can't I spread it on stale Mexican bread? Chips are stale Mexican. Well, tortilla chips is Demi's brand of tortilla chips.

Stale Mexican bread. Yeah. Is that not, y'all don't, oh, just me? Okay. You're thinking of biscottis. I am thinking of biscottis. And I'll put a pesto on that. That famous Mexican bread biscottis.

All right, two very solid tips. Thank you. What was your stupid advice? Drink more water. That's super stupid. That's so dumb. I fucking love water, dude. Me too.

I don't know why we don't drink it more. I feel like I've had this conversation like three times in the last days of how good water is. It's so good. It's so good. Do you know, oh fuck. Sparkling water sucks. Any sparkling water?

I'm not a fan. He's a hater. I'm a hater. Sparkling, I don't like sparkling water either. But Dave Eggers, there's a book that he wrote where he calls water the unadultered soul of the universe. That's deep. Yeah.

I fucking believe it. And I love water so much. Everybody drink water like this is me. I pee twice as you guys got here. Yeah. Oh, I feel you. When water is cold and the moment where it touches your lips and you're like, that's the best thing in the world, I'm just like, yeah, I'm an adult and it feels good to drink

water. Dude, fun thing to do, room temp water, chug like a huge cup first thing when you wake up. Oh yeah. It's amazing. I got that tip. It's like you lose two cups of water when you sleep every night. Wait, what?

Is that true? You have to just pour it back into your body. That's what somebody told me. Why would I do? I would just be like, great. The water is out. No, it's like evaporating or sweating or whatever. You want it in there.

Yeah, you basically wake up and just pour water into your stomach again. You were doing that water suppository thing where you stick water up your ass when you wake up. Yeah. So I'll sleep with a balloon in my asshole and then whenever I get a bad dream, it'll explode in me and sort of leak out all the bad ideas. And that's how you lose the two cups of water? Yeah.

When you wake up in the middle of the night, you should cleanse your anus when you wake up. It's like a nightmare catcher. Nice. All right. I wanted to answer one more question. Since we have you guys, but not for very much longer, all right, we have another guy's name.

Mielle, do you have a guy's name? How old? Let's call him 29. Oh, he's for sure like a Chet. Oh, that's good. Definitely a Chet. Hanks. Chet Hanks, right.

Do top Hanks really name his son Chet? I don't know if he did or if he named himself Chet Hays. Yeah. I don't think Tom Hanks would have done that. And Colin is such a normal guy. Yeah. How did Chet get so fucked up? Where did we go wrong with Chet?

It has Truman, so maybe there's a slope. Oh, there's a middle one. Yeah. Yeah. We don't know too much about the middle one. Anyway, this Chet Hays writes, seven or eight years ago, my friend invested in Bitcoin. I think it was worth not too much back then. So my friend had bought a few of them.

One night about eight years ago, I went out to dinner in a movie with a few of my friends, and I ended up paying for the friend who had bought the Bitcoin. After we went back to my house after the movie, I remember he said that he would pay me back using some of his Bitcoin that he recently bought. Apparently, I signed over a Coinbase account and he transferred the money over to me. I completely forgot about this money until your recent podcast where Amir gave the unsolicited advice about cryptocurrency. That advice inspired me to check to see if I still even had Bitcoin in my Coinbase account.

Sure enough, it's still in there and it's valued at over $20,000. Oh my God. Now, this all sounds great, but I don't know what to do. Should I tell my friend about this money? I feel like he's forgotten about giving me the Bitcoin because he hasn't mentioned anything in years. If I do tell him, I feel like he would be entitled to some of the money, but I really do not want to give him any of it because I have major student loans I need to pay off.

I do not want to lose some of the money, but I also do not want to create a rift in this friendship that I've had for over 12 years. What should I do? Love, chat, haze. I don't understand why he thinks he would owe his friend some of the money. Yeah, because he basically, he gave him the Bitcoin. So it's like, it's kind of like that sour grapes thing. Have you guys seen that movie where a guy gives another guy a quarter?

He plays a slot machine and wins a million dollars. Wow. And it's like, all right, now that I deserve some of that money, I gave you the quarter. So maybe he's afraid his friend will be like, I deserve some of that money. I gave you the Bitcoin. But that's exactly what happened. You gave me the Bitcoin. If you give someone money knowing that they are doing, like they're going to use that

to play a chance-based game, it's like when someone's like, oh, here, I bought you a lottery ticket and it's yours. If you are like, oh, you won now, I get it, then you're an asshole who's just like, if you didn't win, then it was just for you. But if you did win, then I'm actually just... Wait, but I'm sorry, they're both winners though. Because he still has some. He still has some too.

So if anything, you'll be a good friend if you remind the kid. Right. Hey, remember, check your Bitcoin, dude, because the one you gave me is worth 20K. I gave you one? No, I actually used it to pay off my loans. Oh, it's already gone, yeah. Also, do you want to apologize to everybody that lost money in cryptocurrency because you're unsolicited?

Lost money. You've only lost money if you've sold. Right now, I've just told you to invest money. A couple weeks ago, you told everybody to get in the crypto game and now it is just... It's a sure bet. It is, yeah. Well, I told it to only gamble money that you're willing to lose. And everybody did lose.

Of course. And so this guy, if he doesn't sell out his Bitcoin, so my unsolicited device to him is to get out with over 20,000 free dollars. It's not 20,000 free dollars anymore, and now it's down to like what, eight? Well, I don't know how many he has, but if he has two. I see. So would you mention it to your friend? I mean...

That's like a funny little thing, or would you be afraid? I might, but I don't think I'd be obligated to... How close are they, too? He said it's a 12-year friendship. Yeah, but like... I wouldn't say shit. I have a lot of friends I've known for that long that I talk to twice a year. Oh, that's not very much.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I wouldn't say anything. Why do you have to say anything? Right, that's weird. Just take the money and run. I would just be like, hey, man. I just wanted to double check that you remember about Bitcoin things.

I just remembered it, and you probably have a ton of money now. Yeah, and I got rid of mine. I wish I had one still. I sold all of mine when it was worth $600, and I can't find the last one that I had. Do you remember if I accidentally gave you a Bitcoin? He's wearing like a giant coat and like rings on everything. You're just like, I sold my name. Still riddled with student loan debt.

It's so weird that he's taking the onus of like, I don't want to create a rift in the friendship. I'm like, well, if this pisses your friend off, that's definitely your friend's problem. Yeah. If you gave your friend a Lotto ticket for his birthday or her birthday and they won $11 million, would you want some of that cash? I would want some. I would understand that I'm not entitled to it. That's what a Lotto ticket is.

Would you think that person is an asshole if he didn't give you any? No. Listen, though, it's different, though, because this is paying back for actual money. This wasn't a random gift. Yeah. This was just as easily could have completely tanked gone down to zero and then your friend got a free dinner. Right.

See? So I don't think he owes him shit. I would be like, if I gave you a lot of ticket, I'm going to throw me some bones. But if I was like, here's five bucks back and then you invested that five bucks. That was your money. Yeah. You owed it. Yeah.

I'm going to ask all my friends that I gave money to 10 years ago, what did you end up doing with that money? Did you ever invest it? Would you invest it in Intel? That's crazy town. That 10 bucks I gave you is now worth 4,000 or it could have been if you invested it. I gave Steve Jobs the money to buy a computer and then he founded Apple and now I owed a million bucks.

So you knew Steve Jobs and you have no idea what Apple worked? Correct. One million dollars, Steve. I'm going to ruin you. Well, I gave him one dollar and then, I don't know, founding Apple probably cost him a million dollars. So I'm going to get one million of how much he's worth. I've got to get him on the phone.

Steve, I have some really bad news for you guys. It's been a while since we talked. Steve, hope you're well. Do you have the dollar that you owe me? If not, I'll take a million. I'm an idiot. How did we even know each other? I will accept Bitcoin, Steve.

Anyway, call me back. Bye. All right. Love was. I guess you can tell your friend is what we're saying. He doesn't. You don't owe him anything. We don't need to.

I would keep it a secret because I don't think that you need to. I don't think he has the right to be mad, but you might as well not even go down this road. But then you're going to have a weird tension of keeping a secret. Yeah. Yeah, but that's fine. Here's what you do. Friendly text.

Dude, do you remember you gave me Bitcoin? There you go. That's all you say. You throw your phone away. Bitch, I remember. Dude, do you still have any? Boom. I know.

One of you is like, no, I sold all mine and I'm dead broke. Oh, it sucks, bro. Let's go for beers. It's my treat. I'm rich now. No, you can't have more than that. Have you guys ever had like Lotto fantasies where it's like, if I won $100 million? Oh, yeah.

And then would you tell anybody? In my fantasy, I don't tell anybody. I wouldn't tell a goddamn soul. Would you tell your family? No. I literally would. Well, okay. So the thing is, I would use the money to provide for my family to a certain degree,

but then I'd be like, that's all I want in the Lotto. Sorry. What? Guys, you are so weird. I'd just be like, hey, I want money. So good for me. Would you brag about winning $100 million? No.

If someone asked me, I'd be like, yeah, I did. It's tight. So you would tell all your friends, basically? I wouldn't tell my friends either. I would tell all my friends. Yeah. I would brag all the time. I would post on Instagram.

I would put it on my Instagram stories. Tata's going to say it's fake. I've heard too many stories. I would become lavish. And also, I'm already too much the kind of person who is like, I want to help for people. So I think if people came to me and said they were struggling, they were friends, I'd be like, I got it. And then I know a lot of people would say that, fully aware that they are not struggling,

just kind of want some money. So I'd just be like, I'm going to just invest this or save it or put it away. But also, I will know that if anyone ever mentions that they are struggling, I can help them and not worry about. Keep in your backpack. I would immediately hire a money manager and then like any request, I would like loop him in. It's like, hey, I would love to help you pay for your student loans.

Looping in my money manager morning. Whoa, how does Jake have a money manager? I thought he just worked at Head Gum and now he has a money manager? That's awesome. That's that lot of money, baby. Whoa. Oh yeah, I forgot. You are telling me.

Oh, I'm telling everybody. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why you'd hide it. I don't know. I think I'd keep it a secret. I'd be afraid. But then I think if your friends found out, they'd feel horrible.

I feel like your friends found out that you'd been keeping it from them and be like, dude, what the fuck? Why don't you tell us that? I think they'll be pissed if you have $100 million. Like, well, you can't give me $1,000. Give me $2,000. I really need to find that. But again, that's fucking, that's their problem.

Right. But then it creates a whole conversation I don't want to have. I'm hanging out with fucking Rihanna and James Vanderbeek. That's my new crew. You could do better than James Vanderbeek. Yeah. What a two people. Rihanna and fucking Joshua Jackson there.

Pacey. Pacey over Dawson. For sure. Where's Rihanna? I'm hanging out with Rihanna and Scott Beyo. And we're all going to Tommy's hamburgers. Honestly, me and Rihanna are going to get together and choose the third member of the crew. I'm bringing, I'm going to bring Josh Jackson, but if she has somebody else in mind.

She's like, uh, Jay-Z? He's like, um. Rihanna's like, I'm already rich and famous and I'm friends with everybody I want to be friends with. We don't need to make a dream team. It'll be Vanderbeek for sure. If she has their own druthers, Rihanna's going to choose Vanderbeek. It's kind of crazy what happened to everybody in Dawson's Creek.

Katie Holmes went on to marry Tom Cruise. Michelle Williams went on to like. Rule the world. Rule the world. And Joshua Jackson went on to be one of the greatest actors of all time. He had a cameo on Kimmy Schmidt and married Diane Lane. Of course. Is that, am I wrong?

Who did he marry? Who married Diane Lane? No, he was married. Am I thinking of Josh Brolin? Wait. Is he married to Kate Hudson? I thought Marty was married to Diane Lane. Marty?

Yeah. No. Marty McFly? No, Reese Witherspoon? Yeah. Was it Reese Witherspoon? Then Joshua Jackson and Reese Witherspoon? No, I think it was Diane Lane or Kruger.

I thought he had. Oh, Diane Kruger. I thought he had kids with some famous A-list blonde lady. Anyway, you definitely married a Diane. It doesn't matter which one. Diane? It doesn't really matter about Josh and Diane. All right.

That's it. That's it. We're done. It's Diane Kruger. You guys want to promote anything besides your podcast? What's going on? No, not me. All right.

So listen to Punch Up the Jams on headgum.com. Hell yeah. And if you have your own questions or theme songs, you can submit them all to ifirishowatgmail.com. The opening theme song was written by the guy who created Flight Drop. Remember that? Flight Drop. Hell yeah. I'm going to crash some planes.

He's reprogramming that for right now. Don't look up these flights. And then this closing one is another Drake parody from a song called Take Care. I love Take Care. Take Care is one of my favorite Drake songs. Much love from Anthony and Mariel Grace from Montreal. So thanks, guys. Oh, wow.

Thanks. Nice. Thanks to Demi and Miel for coming by. Thanks for having us. Thanks, guys. Come back soon. Okay. Maybe.

See you in a week, everybody else. Bye. Bye. Bye. You're confused. Here's what to do. Ask if I were you. Ask if I were you.