If I Were You - 319: 6-Way Kiss (Live in Austin, TX!)

Episode Date: March 15, 2018

Live from SxSW it's "If I Were You!" We discuss sexiling, sexting, and sexy potato chips.Thanks to SiriusXM for sponsoring the digital release of this Bonus Thursday episode! Don’t forget to thank them by using the URL siriusxm.com/headgum where you can get two months free with no obligations.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This episode of If I Were You Live from Austin is brought to you by Serious XM Radio. You guys get to hear us talk about how insane The Twinnovation Show was on this episode. That's correct. And thanks to Serious and thanks to, I guess, Dave. Amazing happens here all the time with over 150 channels of commercial free music, plus sports talk, comedy, entertainment news, and more. It's time to start exploring with Serious XM and right now you can try it for two months

with no obligation by visiting Serious XM.com slash headgum again, that's Serious XM.com slash headgum easy. Let's let's start the show. Okay. Wow. There goes our intro music. Very good. Perfect.

Perfect timing. The stage is so fucking foul. Yeah. If you think this is bad, you should see the green room where they all changed. If you're listening at home, we accidentally let Twinnovation open for us, which is the equivalent of getting nine panda bears drunk and letting them open for us. They sweated, they yelled, they got things wet, they wrestled. I mean, there's meat on the stage.

I've never gone on stage and had there be loose meat. What's the fucking first for me? That came out of Dave. Yeah. Dave is no. How are you guys doing? You guys surviving? Yeah.

Very cool. Who here was here last year or maybe the year before? Cool. Okay. Tradition. First timers. Okay. That's a lot of people too.

Let's fucking one up it and just start a fight for everyone. First timers for second year guys. You want like a melee thing? I want a melee. I want a brawl. And the lone survivor fights Nick Rad on stage as X-Pac. I want a malice and I deserve one. Yeah.

This is such an exciting time. It's exciting that this has become tradition third year, third year of Hedgehog Live. I thank you guys for joining us. I just stepped in green. Can somebody fucking bring me a stool? I can't put this drink on anything. What is that? This is green.

What was green as part of Twinnovation? What happened that was a green gummy? Yeah. I don't know. Hey, thanks guys. Does anybody know? Are you, you're, you don't work here, right? You're just a fucking good Samaritan.

My man. He does now. You're hired. Minimum wage. Five dollars a week. Head of content. What? For a head gum.

Yeah, you're fired. That's my job. The run on sentence was a little much. I totally get that. Uh, so for those of you who don't know, this is an advice podcast. People will write in their sticky situations. They're seeking our guidance, our wisdom, our advice. That makes sense.

I'm 35. I have my shit together. I'm on a stage with gummy and meat on it. You're 35? Yeah, wow. God damn. It wasn't enough to run for president if I weren't born in the Middle East. Oh yeah.

Fuck. No. Fuck. No. You could never be president. We would never elect somebody so dumb. Nice. To office.

Oh no. Mevers Trump, SATs. Who wins? Reading comp, pre-algebra, the whole nine. Is this new SATs with the essay? What? Fuck it, Trump. Fuck it, banana eating contest.

Mevers Pence. Yeah. Amir's also anti-choice, so there's nothing good that can come of this. Mevers Barron, hear me out, are wrestling. Sure. Best of 13 for some reason. He beats you handily. That was the best part of the last show.

You guys are running late. Okay. They accept that information. They internalize it. And how do they, how do they express that lateness? Let's turn it to a best of seven. We're going to do arm wrestling. We should also invite a bunch of people on the stage.

Yes, of course. We should make it a safety hazard. Yeah. On the stage where you have live wires and beer everywhere. Yes. Strangers, please, guests, hurt yourself. And now you see how smart Amir is. You're ready to give advice.

That's right. All right. Let me put this down somewhere. I didn't get a stool because that guy. Can you get us another stool? Good man. Great man. Oh my gosh.

Yo, give it up for stool guy. It's coming up for Phil. He's clearly a Phil. Yeah. Good on you, Phil. What is it? Oh, I got the P. The P is silent in Phil.

It's so weird to take credit for that. If the P is silent, would the name be Hill? Anyway. God damn. And I'm hard again. Yes. Literary riddles or littles for short. Dick's broken.

All right. We need a guy's name. I heard the name Crandis, and I've been... Crandis has been with us for the last few nights. We were in Winnipeg four nights ago. What the fuck? Why did we do that? We went to Winnipeg.

Honestly, they paid us, but it wasn't enough. Having been there and back, I will never go again. But Crandis was there, and we're happy to have you here in Austin again. Thank you, Crandis. How can we recover from the... It was a shit show. Yeah, no, I liked it. I think Jeff fucking blew me away.

Oh, with a printed cross rocket. That was... I would use that. Yeah. That's crazy. It was in Jeff's taint, and I would use it. I would take the one he'd had. All right. Crandis writes,

I work as a male ass man in a restaurant. What? An assistant manager, that is. Is that part of the nomenclature? I haven't had a serving job in a long time. After work, my male gay manager, one of our female servers, and one of our female student servers, went to a bar. Wait, there's an ass man and a female student server?

And a gay manager. Right. That's a position here. Who's the gay manager of the North Tor? We need one. You have to have a manager and a gay manager. Of course. Two for the price of gay.

Just four different work functions talking about work. Two hours later, we were French kissing. Two by two to climax in one of a four-way kiss. That's right. A four-way kiss. Of Jorts, he writes. Later, our gay... I feel bad saying the gay manager part.

It's just what he wrote, but you are emphasizing it in a sort of weird way. Later. You don't have to read it like that. Yeah. All right. Later, our gay manager called two male servers in to join, and they did. Wait, so then it's a six-way kiss with how many guys? Tough to keep it all in my head, but it continues.

It was me who started the whole idea because of the hot female student manager that I'm into. I only knew she was into me as well when I told her about my new relationship with another student. You cheated on your girlfriend six times. One of which was a gay manager. Many of which were gay managers. I only knew she was into me.

Most of which were gay managers. Should I tell my current girlfriend that I kissed her with a hotter colleague? She's already in the trenches with her. Should I break up? What does that mean? Thanks. PS, come to Belgium. Of course.

Let's get up for Grandis. Everything is crystal clear now. It all makes sense when you're in Bruges. Is Bruges in Belgium? Maybe. Okay. Did you say yes? Okay.

All right. Cool. But it's cool that Phil brought you. That was another service that Phil did. Is there a name, Jason or Jesse? He said it was Patrick. Oh, sorry. What?

It is? Oh, fuck. I was going to get really excited. That's fine. All right. Should I tell my... You know what? Fuck questions.

Amir's going to guess everybody's name. You, right there. Ryan. God, you got it. Really? This guy. Frank. That guy is Ryan?

That guy is Ryan? That one. No, they're lying to me now. Oh, I know Joel. That's a Joel. Rebecca. Of course not. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. This is completely unnecessary. Let's just go upper level. All right. You're right. How about this? Is there a Frank here?

Good man. The slower you're doing there. Our show has unraveled this to innovation. Welcome to If I Were Frank. The only shows that accuses people of lying to me about what their name actually is. What was the question this guy made out with four different dudes cheated on his girlfriend? Is it less of cheating if it's a four-way kiss? Is a four-way kiss even possible?

Or would skulls get in the way? How could we try a six-way kiss? Ryan? Huh? Sentry? First, you have three friends you could bring on stage with you. It seems like the six-way is completely impossible. It's like absolute zero.

It only exists in theory. Four-way kiss. I think if you smear foreheads together and extend your tongues, maybe. No. Maybe you can get the fucking four-way. Four is easy. Why do you lead with your forehead when you kiss? I'm saying like lean in.

One, two, three, four. Fucking... I could kiss you right now. You think two more lips couldn't fucking get right here? The problem is this person won't be able to get to me because your forehead's in the way. No, they will. They will be able... Four-way is 1,000% possible.

Six-way. Six-way I can't quite by. What about five? Five... It's like an intersection. I think that's... I think you've got to just do four-way kiss, two people beating off in the corner. That's...

Was the question, what's the hottest way to six-way kiss? This is a sex club in Belgium. The question is, should I break up? Oh, yes. Any time your single life involves six-way kissing, break up with whoever you're with. Unless that's like a hot rule you have. It's like, all right, where's quasi-open, only if there's five other people involved? You're not allowed to cheat on me unless five other people want to French you.

That's right. If you can have a menage-fah... Nice. Menage-catra. Huh? Quattra? Is that four or five in French? Either way, I hear you.

Or does that just mean tickets? Un, deux, trois. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. French people are so lazy. They can't even, like, finish their words. Sra. No, it's not sra. It's seven. Talk normal. We're never going to help this guy, right?

Sorry, I've been in Texas for 24 hours and I'm really fucking xenophobic. That's right. I had a layover in San Antonio and I think I hate gay people. That's right. And we... No, we were in Seattle for a moment and you became a lesbian rabbi. I remember that, too. We had an entire minion that's 12, 12-way kissing at one point.

Crazy. In Seattle. Crazy. I'm a chameleon of sorts, a social chameleon of jorts. So if you want a six-way kiss, people break up with your girlfriend. Yeah, of course. That makes sense, right? Yeah.

All right. Let's give it up for Grandis. We need a female's name. Clinton? We said we need a girl's name and a dude's screamed clam chowder as loudly as they possibly could. And I think we should reward that guy. And I think we call this person clam fucking chowder. And he deserves it.

Yeah. But let's let a lady come up with the middle name. Olivia? Elizabeth. Elizabeth? Cool. Mixed reviews for Elizabeth. Clam chowder was perfect, though.

Clam Elizabeth chowder. Really, go by your middle name. At that point. Clam writes. I'll wait. You should encourage that. Asshole. I've been insanely tight on money lately.

Like, I can't go to the grocery store. How am I going to make rent broke? In an effort to make some quick cash, I joined an amateur porn site where you can get paid for sexting. That's okay. That's dope. Can I do that? Yeah. Yeah.

That's basically what Text Jake was. You should start sextjake.com. Wow. My goal was to be the least sexual I could be and still make money for being sexual, which, as you can imagine, did not work. However, I did meet this guy over the site. He didn't express any interest in buying me anything I offered on the site, like pictures, custom videos, or texts. And instead, began talking to me. The real me.

Okay. I'm from Denver, and he lives in the UK, so distance is obviously an issue. The only issue. And you can imagine telling your parents you met your cross-the-world lover on an amateur porn site. Obviously, there are issues involved with that as well, and people think Tinder is an embarrassing way to meet. Finally, the last maybe problem is that I turned 21, and he's 36. Hot! He jokes about the age gap, but because of the way he sometimes addresses it, I think he brings him some sense of insecurity, too.

I've had an awful history with men, but there's a tiny voice in my head that says, maybe. He's very sweet. He's kind. He Skypes me a few times a week and texts me. He never asked me any questions about my life and seems to be a solid guy. Wait, that's... But there's obvious hesitation for so many reasons, and I haven't been good at picking out the good ones. Is this guy for real?

Am I just being a hopeless romantic? Should I be giving any serious thought at all? So do I see where these things go and let this mystery man across the world, or do I let it go and let love happen where it happens? Love, Clam Elizabeth Chowder, the second. Let's give it up for Clam Chowder. What was hopelessly romantic about any of this? When you're talking a guy off over text, and he's being sweet. How? What do you mean?

So you'd be the guy. Oh, I'll be the guy? You said he's being sweet, I don't know. I'd rather talk you off if we're going to role play. Okay. Can I talk you off? Sure. All right, shit. Off the cuff.

Your throbbing cock is teasing my clit. Sure. And I'm so wet, I just want to feel you slide in and tease me. Tease me just like that. That's so cool. Oh, sorry, can we take one more? This is powered by Patreon. Yeah, so I would say, yeah, tonight's show is powered by Patreon.

Yeah, tease me, tease me. Oh, give it to me halfway. Like, I want the whole thing so bad. Where are you from? Denver, I'm straddling your rock hard, Joe, squeezing it, squeezing your British prick with my ass cheeks. Give me permission to sit on it, you strapping bloke. Powered by Patreon, sorry.

Are you a foodie? Shit, fucking marry this guy. This guy's like saying enough of that sex talk, let's get to know the real you. Has she seen him? Has she seen him? Does Skype like inherently mean video call? You could voice call on Skype, right? I say with British guys, they're either really hot or really ugly, just roll that fucking

dice. Really? Would you rather be ugly and tall or short and hot? Yeah, let's pull, let's pull the audience. Wait, I gotta give heights. Huh? I gotta give heights. Okay, go ahead.

Okay, would you rather be a six foot ten inch troll? But kind of jacked. Yeah. A jacked six ten inch troll. Right. Think like Michael Phelps plus six inches. Michael Phelps is kind of life though, like he's a little bit lean. Yeah, he's lean, he's a good, he's an ugly guy, but he's tall and strong.

Oh, you think, like, you're talking just ugly as Michael Phelps? Yeah. He's passable. Okay. Fine, fucking that. Or a five foot four inch Brad Pitt. Wow. Six, six six Phelps for sure.

Six eleven Phelps. Oh, six eleven Phelps. Wait, how about the, just the ladies respond. Who would rather have the five four Tom Cruise? Sorry, Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt. Tom Cruise with the one tooth. I'm just turned on by Tom Cruise. You guys can answer, okay, five foot four inch Brad Pitt.

How did we go from... Six eleven Phelps. I think Pitt has this. We were sexting five seconds ago. This is such a weird... Are you a foodie? The audience was split. They were split on that.

Yeah, it is. It's a tough decision. Anyway, I'm just saying this girl might as well go for it. Yes. What's the risk? What's the risk? What's the risk? Everything, everything.

What? He's a hot 36 year old banker from London. God for fucking bid. You're adding... A hot ass joke looking for a hot ass bloke. Let him fly your ass business class. You said nothing about him being rich. In fact, he deliberately did not purchase fucking anything from the site.

He's obviously lonely too. Yeah, well, he's broke. Of course. He's not fucking... He doesn't have any cash. That's right. He's just texting her. That's probably the cheapest fucking service.

It's expensive. Way to play. I say go for it. What's the... Say you met online. That's not a lie. Good Lord. Just like, go get coffee and Denver for a little bit.

You can meet somebody that's not 36 in Britain. What's wrong with 36? She can't afford coffee? You can't afford coffee? She can't afford coffee. Can you at least say fly me out to London? Is that even on the table? That doesn't have...

Like, that wasn't the question. She was like, do I fall in love with this guy? Yeah. I'm sure he'll fly your ass out. This... No, you're asking... You're asking this nice little Denver lady to become an escort to an... He's definitely an ugly guy.

But if he's British and ugly, that's almost hot. Like Austin Powers hot. I'll allow... Proceed with caution and get a lot of pictures. Namaste. Cheers. Just wanted to say thanks again to Sirius XM for sponsoring this special episode live from Austin.

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Barely. Yeah. That's a blur. Thanks to Sirius XM for making it available to download. Again, that's SiriusXM.com slash head gum for free. Two free months of streaming for free. You guys are the best. Get back to it.

Two. Two. Two. Two. Two. Dude, dude, dude. Dual. Go.

Man. Guys name. Constance. Constance. Constance. Constance. Great name, though. Fine.

What was? Tosses? Causes. Causes. Like Bob Costas. My god. Like a house. Like Spanish and two of them.

Two Spanish houses? I'm glad we figured it out. Casas, me Casas, Sue Casas. That's right. Me Casas writes, my ex-girlfriend and I broke up about six months ago and I'm a koi Jew from Philly. Okay. Although it was clean and mutual,

I do find myself somewhat missing her on occasion. Since we've broken up, I've been doing my thing and she's been doing hers or so I hear. We've unfollowed each other in social media after breaking up, which was my call. Just trying to be healthy about that shit. That was after winter break and now it's now and it's almost spring break

and she hasn't requested to follow me on Instagram. What are her intentions? I want to reach out and ask, not to get back together with her but to stay in her life. Maybe even lay down some intimate pipe on occasion. I have a lot of respect and adoration for this girl. I've used a mutual friend's phone just to gently peruse to make sure her account is copacetic.

Nothing much to report. She is following a couple of Don I Dime T type gentlemen since the breakup, not that it phases me much since I hit the gym on occasion myself. I can do five crunches now. I have requested to follow her and it's been 24 hours and she still hasn't approved. I am oh so confused.

Please, please, please help. Thank you guys. Love you both love. Casa. Casas. It was plural. It was plural. It's good for casas.

So this guy's like, let's unfollow each other. What is he confused about? She, they unfollow, they unfollow. And then he requests to follow and she doesn't accept. And then he says, what are her intentions? She just wants to stay in her life because he respects her. And you want to fuck her still.

Of course. I guess she's probably trying to avoid exactly what you're trying to do. Why would you do that to me? I only broke up with her and asked her to stop following me and now she won't accept my refollow. I think that makes sense, Casas. But I want to fuck her.

Yeah. That much is clear. I get to, right? I'm a guy that wants to fuck her. If I respect her and I follow her, she fucks me now. Does she not? I think not.

Give me your phone. I want to follow her. No, you're good, man. Oh, she's following hot guys. That's fine. I went, I did a crunch. I did a crunch. I pulled my back, but I did one.

This guy, let's call him Wayne Regretzky. Because he, yeah, yeah. I don't know why you're annoyed. That didn't deserve that reaction. Let's call him Brent Regretzky, Wayne's brother. Nice. He played for the Lightning for a spell, but didn't really make anything of himself.

You should have gone out on the Wayne Regretzky one. Let's call him Mario Lemoy. As in why won't she follow me back? Is that another obscure hockey player? No, Mario Lemoy was pretty famous. Let's call him Mark Messy, A. That's a messy way to end a relationship, A. Yeah.

Don't cheer, cause he'll name more hockey players. Let's call him Yammer Jaggerbaum, because he deserves to get drunk and high and forget about her. Yeah. These guys get, these hockey jokes went off great in Winnipeg. You guys should have been there.

No, I think the answer is clear. Stop, knock it off, quit it. He broke up with her. He doesn't get to fuck her anymore. Did he, he broke up with her? That's what he says. Jesus Christ. That girl should thank her like he stars.

That's funny to you. You ask them at every time they laugh. That was funny. And that one too. It's 4 a.m. That was funny. All right. Who's farthest away from me right now?

No, that's so wrong. That's totally false. Totally inaccurate. But I respect the audacity to lie to my face. How about, what if it got me? Corner lady top row. Don't look behind you, you're the last in the room. Do you have a guy's name?

Just shout it out. You don't have to whisper to anybody for it. What? Mason? Mason jar? Nathan jar? Nathan jar. Nathan star.

It's sort of like a Mason jar, but you can't screw on the lid all the way. That's how Nathan likes his jars. Like a Mason would. Hi guys, third time writer, first time given a shitter. Nice dude. Let's just break the ice and start fucking. Well, that's what my friend thought.

And I came along. What is going on right now? I don't know. I'm also from Belgium. Everything's a fucking orgy over here. So I'm nine way kissing a gay manager and my gay cousin. So let's start at the beginning, he writes. A bro and I went to a new big city a couple of weekends ago

for a good time, eh? Oh, he's Canadian. Good lord. It was a Thursday and Friday thing. And on that Thursday we went to a comedy show at a bar and I had a couple drinks, but he slammed a whole thing of whiskey before we left the bloody hotel.

So he was just crazy by the end of the show. It was a boot 11 when it ended and the bar was dying. So I was out of cash. So I told my buddy I was going to back to the hotel and he would go hard Friday style, but he wanted to stay, which he did. So this is where things get spicy. I'm dreaming about hot girls and hot.

Was he really right about a boot? He wrote a boot. Oh my God. I'm dreaming about hot girls and hot food at the hotel and I wake up at three o'clock at the AM because buddy's at the door. I open it and it's him and not a 10 or even a seven. I'd say a four and a half.

Geez. You're a bad person too. So they came in and talk a bit and make it a little, let's say weird for everyone. She ends up leaving and the buddy chases after her, pissed at me of course, because I didn't leave so he could score with this Shrek on ice lookalike. Not even the classic Shrek?

Damn. It could be an attractive figure skater type. Anyway, he ended up getting a cheap hotel room down the street to do the nasty. So am I the asshole for not leaving my hotel room at three AM so he could smash? Or was I in the right because he knew I was sleeping there for four hours already and I stood my ground.

What should I do next time this happens? You're going through your shit right now. You're like, no, oh shit, wait, yeah. Sorry for the long email. You gotta wait till the mirror presents the whole entire case. He just finishes it with sorry for the long email. I just got excited.

Love Nathan Jar. Jar. It's good over jar. I think there are rules to being sexiled. Sexilation. Okay, can you go over the rules for this sexiness? I think if you reach the hotel room first, you can sex out somebody.

Legally? That'll stand up in a court of law. A court of bra. Yeah. Nice. So if you arrive at the hotel before your buddy comes back and you start hooking up with somebody, you could be like, don't come in here.

I'm fucking. And then what is the guy supposed to do? Sleep in the hallway? Chill in the lobby. Fuck it. Chill in the lobby. How long does it take to have sex with somebody? Nine seconds.

Damn. Damn. And then like that's four seconds for fucking. Yeah. Five for cuddling. Five seconds for play, yeah. Five for pillow talk. Did you come too?

That sounds like, nevermind. Go ahead. This is a safe place. Everybody wants your. Did you come too is like what you say to say to someone who's passed out. Jesus. It is.

Wow. Unrelated to that story. Wow. Tonight is powered by Paige. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't you dare read the ad now. Don't you dare do that. For that, the show has to be powered

by some Patreon competitor. That's a weird ad to buy. Can you say something illegal and say that it's sponsored by our competitor? PepsiCo. I just think this guy didn't get sex out. He tried to get like his room, his friend tried to imminent domain him.

Yeah. He tried to like manifest destiny his ass down. Down into the lobby. A Lewis and Clark move of sorts. Lewis and Clark were actually pretty chill to Pocahontas. Wasn't it Sacagawea? Is that not true?

Good Lord, our history is fucked, isn't it? Anyway, I'm a victim of public education. You went to a private high school though. Yeah, but only the last two years. I really, really only graduated by the skin of my dad's cash. And that cash contained Andrew Jackson, $20 bills, who actually enforced a trail of tears

that caused Indians to be removed. Not unlike this guy was forcibly removing his friend from the room. Anyway, you're in the right, your friend's in the wrong. Next question. There you have it. Let's give it up for that guy.

All right, one last question to rule them all. Oh my God. So let's get a name from somebody from Lord of the Rings. Hard One? Hard One, Hard One Shorefoot is actually a part of the world of Bahumia. Do we need a guy's name or a girl's name?

It's a guy. All right, Hard One Shorefoot, baby. Good on ya. Are we calling him Hard One? Yeah, yeah. All right, here we go. But also Smigil. I'm a 17-year-old boy living in Portland.

My story begins a few months back when I started to know my soon-to-be girlfriend. Previous to our relationship, she had only been with one girl, but she is different. She is sweeter, pretty, and funnier than any other girl I've ever met. Sorry, he had only been with one girl.

Wait, what? He had only been with one girl, not she. Oh, I see, got it. After several months of hand-holding and dry-humping, we finally moved to hand jobs and bone-jumping. What was the first few months? Hand-holding and dry-humping. No kissing.

That's right. I was living in the fast lane. Sex, whatever I wanted, literally. It wasn't long until the problem poked its ugly face into our relationship. The issue is this. Her favorite food is salt and vinegar chips. Something about them must really get her in the mood

because every time I see that Cape Cod white bag, I know it's about to get on. Hand? It was finally time. But she never washes her hands after eating the chips in her hands. Her hands have caked up in residue all over them. Ends up coating a thick layer of yuck on my shaft.

It really turns me off. And what's worse is that she loves shoving her fingers down my throat while she's riding me. Gag reflex style. I've tried to get her to stop eating them, but I noticed a direct correlation between the chips and her levels of romance. One time I asked her to wash her hands before we did it

and afterwards she didn't want to do it anymore. So what do I do? I want to keep boning her every day on the reg, but I'm disgusted by the subtler of greasy bitter salt on the tips of her fingers. Help, love. Hard one, sure. Hard one, sure.

Let's give it up. Wait, so they are, they are fucking? They're sucking and fucking. They're fucking. Salt and vinegar style. I don't like salt and vinegar chips. Am I alone in that? It's too much.

It's too bitter. It's too salty. You're so far in the minority. More people were into the dude sex-siling his friend, reverse style. But I can empathize with this guy because it's a very strong flavor, I should say. So she's eating the chips and ramming her dirty-ass fingers

down his throat. That's dirty-ass salt and vinegar, that's delicious. You're into it. Sounds fine to me. There's a whole Pornhub community dedicated to this shit. Once you pop it, you can stop. I swear to God, it's come eating instructions and salt and vinegar eating instructions.

You guys gotten into the come eating instructions, shit up, Pornhub? Listen, we all have our very fringe. I don't. It's not my sh- whatever. Hey, this guy's the weirdo. This guy doesn't like salt and vinegar chips. That's crazy.

So is there a way to get her to stop? It seems like the aphrodisiac is turning him off because it's greasy, it's salty. It's salt and vinegar. Right. Well, what is this? Yeah, what's the solution? I think you got to just change chips.

See what? Yes, see what sour cream and onion does to somebody. You know what I mean? I'm not mad at that. What is Maui onion doing? Like, and don't fuck with the original. Yeah, just like straight salt pringles. Yeah, maybe all dressed will get her undressed.

Another joke that worked better in Canada. But certainly there's a chip flavor for you, one that will continue getting her aroused, because maybe it's the potato crisps that she's into, and not quite the flavor, hoping, hopefully. If not, it seems like it's a bitter pill, literally, that gets to swallow, small price to pay to get lit. At each 17, I would have eaten a lot worse

than salt and vinegar chips. Yeah, that's the other thing, man. Just fucking relax. Have a BLT before you fuck, and then the salt and vinegar thing is going to be welcome. It's going to be very nice. You're just describing the perfect lunch. Finish it off with a dyed peach iced tea snapple.

Yeah, and your girlfriend's fingers shove so far down your throat. Sounds good to me, man. All right, let's give it up for that. We're running out of time, but I know some of you want to listen to Jake's virginity. So let's get a round of applause as we're out for the recorded episode, but into the live app.

All right. Thanks for listening at home.