If I Were You - 32: Jake's Mom (with Laura Hurwitz)

Episode Date: October 28, 2013

In this episode, Jake's mom joins us to discuss text messages, ex-girlfriends, and if Jake was always like that.This episode is brought to you by SquareSpace! Build your own website/online store in just minutes! It's easy and cheap, especially if you use coupon code "Jake."See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, it's what I do. I've got to speak to you. Don't forget to see the cheese, get the sauce, and pop the tea. That'll go into your teeth. That's what I'm doing. If I were you. Yes.

That was tight. That was really tight, actually. That was punk, I think. Yeah, I actually liked it a lot. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the Internet. Hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake.

And we have our most special guest ever so far. Well, I mean, this and Alison Williams is really up for it. Jeez. You are my second favorite. You are my second favorite guest. We're joined today by Jake's mom, Laura. Hey, how are ya? Is it okay that I say Laura?

Absolutely, Amir. Should I call you Miss Hurwitz? No. What about Mrs. Hurwitz? No, please don't. My dad doesn't want you to call him Miss Hurwitz. Some sexy school teacher. How dare you?

What is this? Your dad's actually in this shed. Am I interrupting? We're recording this from a shed in the backyard of Jake's parents' home in New Haven, Connecticut. Yes, I don't think my mom has ever actually spent a lot of time in this shed, though. My brother and I have raged here quite a few times. It's super uncomfortable, actually, for me to be in here. This is a no-adults-aloud zone, it looks like.

Yeah, there's just PBR cans strung up on the ceiling like Christmas lights. There's looks like half of a bong over there. This is all Micah's stuff, by the way, not mine. The fact that this shed exists and there's a bong here means that you're a cool mom, Mrs. H. It means that I'm a clueless mom, Amir. That's actually what it means. I plead the fifth. There's also holes just punched in the ceiling somehow.

Honestly, I think the thing that's scaring me the most is there seems to be a lot of stuff that's been stolen, like street signs. Yeah, this is going to pan out to reveal this podcast playing in a courtroom. You're going to be on the witness stand. So is this your voice? There appears to be a lot of stuff that is stolen. Is this your voice? No, it's not.

Absolutely not. Well, thanks for coming on the show. This is a highly anticipated episode. I just wanted to know where Jay came from. They're in disbelief that he was raised... ...which reveals that I was adopted. Yeah, I was going to say raised by wolves or something like that. That would explain a lot of the dog-like behavior.

Yeah. Seriously, this isn't an intervention, though. No, I ate a rabbit, so... Someone help me. I think I'm fucking part wolf. Wait, who wrote that song? Oh, Jason. Or Jace. Yeah, Jace.

When you write a metal song like that, and your name is Jason, you go by Jace. That's punk. Idiot. You don't get it. My mom didn't get it. That's what punk is. You don't have to get it. You're not supposed to get it. That's why it's punk. That's what makes it punk.

It's not for people over 30. I really liked it, and I take offense to that. There we go. I really didn't like it because I'm too old for it. You chose to play it. I figured these young kids these days would appreciate it. You do listen to the show, right? Yeah, I do.

I have to admit there were a couple that... Okay, the STD test one, I listened to the point that the results of the FJICS STD test were going to be revealed, and I just couldn't do it. So you don't know whether or not I have STDs?

Yeah, and I don't want to know. I'm going to put my hands over my ears. No, I don't want to know. Herpes one, herpes two, syphilis in the clap. You know there's a syphilis two? I think I have that too. There's also a sequel. Yeah, a drug-resistant strain of gonorrhea,

which I don't really have as much as started. I guess it was a confluence of the another nine STDs sort of joining forces, like some sort of Voltron to create this mega-disease that scientists never see. The SS-TD. The SS-mino-TD. No, Jake, don't worry. Jake is completely clean.

Oh, I'm really glad to hear that. STD-free. And then there was another episode. It's something about hot moms. That was one of the things you were discussing. And it was this weird thing. I knew that if I happened to be mentioned, I'd be horribly painfully embarrassed.

But if I wasn't, I would be really hurt. So I stayed away from that one as well. So, okay. Those are the two I did not listen to. That's pretty great. I don't think my parents have listened or talked to me in probably eight years, let alone. They're supportive of your brothers, though.

Yeah, well, one's a doctor. The other's a designer. So they're doing very great for themselves. I'm considered a third. You're doing a podcast in a shed right now. Hanging underneath a sign that says football punt with a dent in the ceiling and a really tiny disco ball

that looks like it came out of a cereal box. That's bad. You know what's bugging me? Like, there's a lot of graffiti on the walls and there's something that says you haven't been somewhere until you've drank a beer there. Now, just the grammar is terrible.

That's a really terrifying thing. The syntax. I know. And that's what I find most... No, that's the most alarming thing. There's also a human tooth in the wall next to that, but my mom is really pissed about the grammar. The drank. That bugs me. I should take a photo of this place

because we're describing it so well. I don't want to say photogenic, but at least interesting for you guys to at least see. Maybe I'll put that on my Instagram. Instagram.com We really love those followers over there. That is insane. You're a small man.

You're petty. We should get started. Okay. Do you know how the show works? Of course you do. You've listened to 28 of the 31 episodes. Absolutely. So yes, I do know how it works. But for those of you who don't, who basically get emails, people who are in difficult places in their lives,

are so desperate for advice, they actually email a podcast and me and Jake sift through all the questions and try to answer them as best we can. That email is ifirushow at gmail.com. You know, it's oftentimes that I have a problem when I ask my mom for advice. So this is everyone else's chance out there.

Yeah, it's true. And he disregards it all the time pretty much, but that's okay. But these people won't take it for granted. You're right because I'm right. That's exactly right. That's the attitude. All right, so we'll call this person. This is going to be a fake name, but a real email

and we'll say it's from Larry. Larry. Larry writes, so I asked out this girl who stands next to me in chorus and she said, yes, I took her out the Thursday before fall break and I feel like we had a good time. I'm a junior out of school in the ACC and she's a freshman.

I casually texted her a little bit over fall break. And when I see her in chorus, she is nice and laughs at my jokes. However, last Thursday, I sent her a text asking her out again and she didn't respond. Obviously, the optimistic thing to do is to hope that she legitimately didn't get the text. Or maybe she's giving me a

you got to earn this booty. The crux of my question is this. What is the statute of limitations on texting the girl again if she doesn't respond the first time? The girl is cute and we had a good time, although I wouldn't say a great one. I can tell she's not my soulmate or anything,

but I'm not going to be depressed. On the other hand, I wouldn't mind giving her a hot beef injection. I'm sorry. If you don't think I should try to take her out again, how long should I wait, if at all, before I consider asking out another girl in chorus? Thank you for your sage advice.

My roommate and I love the show. Love, Larry. Larry, that's a weird one. Well, it's a very common question. It's like, you said before, if you text a girl and she doesn't text you back, you're basically never going to be able to speak to her again. Every relationship early on

is one missed, unreturned text away from falling apart entirely. It's true. I will say that I think the excuse of the text didn't go through doesn't work anymore. Never happens. Every text goes through now.

And it'll tell you that it didn't go through. It went through, she got it. A lot of the times it says if it's red or not. This is also beyond, I feel like my mom, I don't have any of this shit, do you? Well, actually, a little bit, I do. I mean, you know... Who? What are you talking about?

You and dad met when you were 16. Actually, 14. You met when you were 14 and my dad was 58. On Tinder, actually. First ever Tinder, it was a typewriter. You just hit the keyboard, right?

You have to swipe it to the left at the end of the row. I know how to text and stuff. I do know how to text. You sign every single one of your texts with XOXOMAMA. Every single text. It ends with XOMAMA. Yeah, but that's, I mean, to my kids,

I don't do that to... How do you sign the text to other people? XO. Only a single hug and kiss. No, I totally agree. I'm sure that the text didn't go through thing. I agree with you. That's lame. I think it did go through.

So if you had a phone now, what would you say, like, if a guy texted you and you weren't interested and you responded back, is there an amount of time that you could wait that would be appropriate or is it just, like, a lost cause you didn't respond once? So that's you sending the message. I mean, like, the thing I don't get,

and I don't get it with you guys and I don't get it with your sisters is, like, the whole, like, you know, you have to wait a certain amount of time to be, like, cool. To be, like, the desperate person you honestly are and say, you know, hey, you know, did you get my text?

Because honestly, that's what I would do because I'm that kind of person. Desperate, needy. Pathetic loser. No wonder I am that way. Except, if you can imagine, I'm one step more desperate and needy

than I'm willing to commit to this painful waiting game until the entire relationship dissolves. I'm so needy that I want, that I'm gonna, like, buy into this horrid, awful game. Though, I'm saying you fire a second bullet. Yeah, I'll do it because, well, then...

But how long do you wait? Well, I don't give a fuck. So, like, I guess, I can get too proud, but if I really like someone, I'll just fire the second bullet, but never three. So two emails is the most. Two unrecognized emails. I think there's no statute of limitations,

but I think that, like, one is definitely to you, don't, like, if anything, the second attempt should be even more feeble. Just, like, don't invite her out. Say, like, there's a party, or say there's, like, something more casual. Oh, like a group hang. So if you're like, hey, you want to get a drink, she doesn't respond, I would text her

and tell her there's something going on, and then I'd be like, are you going to this thing? Yeah. That's good advice. Yeah, actually, that probably is good advice, because if he's going to be seeing this girl in chorus, and the thing that's throwing me about this is hot beef injection in the same email as chorus.

That's a little weird, I'm sorry. Yeah, who are you? Who are you? Are you in a chorus, or are you interested in giving people hot beef injection? That's throwing me. You can't be in chorus and talk about, you don't have a needle that injects hot beef. They don't

give those out in chorus. You have a beautiful voice and that's it. You have the voice of an angel and no beef. And the penis of the devil. It's a vegan dog. Though I think hot beef injection is a Simpsons reference, so maybe that goes along with the nerdy thing. There you go.

Oh man, and I missed that, and I love the Simpsons. I didn't miss it, although I'm not good enough to be in chorus either. You have no talent. I'm like a nerd without any redeeming characteristic. Aren't you happy you didn't have a kid that looks like him? Yeah.

Wait, what? Excuse me. I'm joking. You're awesome. I'm decent. I'm decent. You do have four daughters and only two sons. This is true. You're crazy. You're more of a daughter expert? I think

actually I'm pretty good with both, but I'm probably hanging with the girls more. Yeah, I have to say. I would say you don't know Jack shit about that thing actually. You listen to the podcast and that gives you a little bit of a leg up. Yeah, you for sure

were supportive I guess, but I mean, no, I feel I feel like I was on my own most of the time, specifically when I was failing out of college I felt like I was living in the basement and you were feeding me, but I felt like you resented it. Actually, actually

the sad truth is Jake was living in the basement. He's not even, like, that's not even an exaggeration. Yeah, that's not a metaphor I had probably. Yeah. He wanted to live in the basement though I have to point out because he liked the Bilko door because he could sneak in and out and he on several occasions

we would look at our sorry, I'll just say it really quickly. We would look at our backyard and we would see girls sneaking out the Bilko door. No, Jake loves that you said that. Yeah. What were they out of 10? How would you rate their booty?

Oh, that's enough. And sometimes it was more than one girl or whatever. Yeah, I did say plural. Did I not? Yeah. Yeah. Were you disappointed in Jake for failing out of school because you knew that deep down inside he was smart enough to do well if he only

applied himself? No, I knew he couldn't do well if he applied himself. That was the saddest part of all. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I was disappointed for him, I guess, but he's, like, ridiculously resourceful and he's also really, like, stubborn so

and he's not going to do anything he doesn't want to do. Oh, so you couldn't push him in any direction. Exactly. I mean, we kind of threw our hands up and we're like, you know, whatever happens happens. Yeah. After the third college the fifth school, technically, because I went to two different high schools

they were just like, you know what, school's not for him. Maybe he'll be like one of those Zuckerberg people where it's like, oh, school's not for him, but maybe it'll be not for him in a cool way. Right, like Bill Gates? The qualities that I have that you say, he just doesn't do what he wants,

he doesn't do anything he doesn't want and he's really stubborn. Awful. Like, I should have failed. I deserved to. It's not like you had an ambition that was aside from school that you were dedicating your time to. I think I have a third quality which is that I am lucky. Just I do what I want and fuck that I get lucky

by just stumbling into college humor. But he's also very modest because you can see he's attributing it all to luck and not to any, like, sense of self-worth. Luck and a mirror. Well, those are sort of the same things you think about it. Yeah, why take the hard road when you can just

hit your wagon to someone else that did, right? You're a shooting star and I sat on top of you without getting burned sometimes. It's been a good ride. And here we are full circle, back at my parents' house and I think I might stay in the shed. I think I'm done. I'm done being some sort of second wheel to you.

You're a beautiful unicycle, my friend, and I appreciate it. Should we move on to the next question? Yeah, second question. Let's see. Let's see if we can do it as good of a job with that as we did with the first one. Doubtful. Okay. This one is more, perhaps, more in your wheelhouse.

Oh, cool. All right. Hey, dudes. Oh, we'll call this person Mendez? Mendez. Hey, dudes, I got a weird kind of problem. I'm in college and as sort of a joke, my parents send me a pack of condoms in the mail every few weeks.

The problem is that they are sending me the regular size condoms and upon trying one on for size, I found out that it's too tight and a tad small. I went out and bought a slightly larger size and found that they were far better. I would kind of feel bad throwing the ones for my parents out or just giving them away,

but how awkward would it be to ask my parents to send me larger ones? Please help me with this conundrum. So how awkward would it be for your child to ask you to send him larger condoms? Wow. I know I'm uncomfortable. Because you had the opposite problem.

Mom, these condoms are borderline dangling off my hog. Mom, I think I just need dental damps and that's it. It's like a skinny man wearing a triple XL raincoat. I'm just moving around in there. It's not doing goddamn anything. Oh, I never wore condoms.

Oh, my God. I don't know. I feel like he should be going out and buying his own condoms, perhaps, not kind of troubling his parents and, you know, these are too small. That just seems kind of pissy.

What kind of parents send their children condoms now that you know a lot of parents? I mean, I would totally do it, actually, and there was, and probably saying something I'm not supposed to say here, but let me say it anyway. Don't worry, not that many people listen to this podcast. My younger son, Micah,

who is a son. I just love the idea of him listening to this right now. Hey, Micah, I'm sorry, man. Oh, well, sorry. He wanted me to get his lifeguard swimsuit out of his bureau because he forgot it. He was on his way to work.

And he warned me that there was a large box of condoms in the drawer. And rather than being shocked, I was like, yeah, all right, someone taught you well. Yeah, so what happened there? Who taught him well and that didn't teach his older brother? It was probably Jake

who taught him well. I mean, I tell him to wear condoms. I would advise anybody out there to wear condoms, and I should be wearing more condoms than I do. I mean, I try to wear. I do. I'm backtracking right now. I don't. But everyone should wear condoms.

And I did because I love my brother tell him that he should be using condoms. So as terrible as a person you are to yourself, you're not a bad influence on the young ones around you. I hate me. I love my brother. Oh, you love your brother more than yourself. Or another way to think of it as

you understand the consequences. You're just incapable of changing your actions because of them. Right. Yeah, I guess I I think I understand consequences, but there's also part of me that doesn't understand consequences. I mean, you know what they are. I recognize that they're a real thing,

but they never occur to me in any way in any real way at all. Like cause and effect. You just do not see. Like when you're failing a class, you're like, oh, this will adversely affect me in the future. I'm just like, oh, I don't want to do work right now.

So I will not. Yeah. And I do think like, oh, man, this is, you know, people are saying this is going to have a bad effect. And I understand that that's how it works. But then I'm also like, oh, it'll be fine. Like what's the big, what's the, if I fail math, then do I not get into college? And I would always be like, I'll get into college

somewhere. The sad thing is you're right. Yeah. Yeah. I was like failing out of school. I was like, well, I'm not going to go to this school. I'll go somewhere else. And sure enough, I went somewhere else. I'm like, I don't like this one. And maybe I'll go somewhere else.

I always think that like, if I, I don't know, as bad as I fuck up, I'm not going to be like dead until a certain point when I am. And then I won't even realize that. So maybe your luck thing is absolutely correct. This comes back to the nothing bad has ever happened to Jake Hurwitz model. Yeah. Nothing bad happens to me.

If a hundred people act like that, maybe 99 of them will learn their lesson in a big way. But there's going to be that one person that just feels invincible and is untouched and untouchable. Did you feel that growing up or when Jake was a youngster, did he act in that regard as well? Yeah. Actually, he was

kind of Teflon. I mean stuff that would really adversely affect any other human being. I mean, like, okay, Hebrew school, he would run away from Hebrew school. He just wouldn't show up. The rabbi would call, where's Jake? At what age is this?

From the time he was probably 10 to the time of his bar mitzvah. 10 to 13 just running away from school. Yeah. And then the rabbi like made this special Haftorah that was like a really super small that Jake... He edited the Bible

for you. Yeah, kind of. I didn't abridged Haftorah because I didn't learn the whole thing. This is true. And every it was the best bar mitzvah ever. It was so fun. So you didn't... Once again, you didn't learn your lesson. You're like, I can run away because I'll still have the best bar mitzvah ever. Right. People will still show up and give me money

and there's like four people in this entire congregation who will realize that I did half a Haftorah and everybody is just going to be happy that I only did half Haftorah because it's a short ceremony. I mean, these weren't things that were going on in my mind. These are just things that the universe hands to me.

I realize now how amazing it was. But that's totally different like the way I was. I would never... I would be afraid to get yelled at in school. I would be afraid that I didn't do 100% on my homework. I had that fear that I would feel like... I had a fear of failure that was basically

on the other end of the spectrum too severe. I would cry if I missed a day of school and I would be like, oh my God, what if I don't know this thing? How am I going to catch up? What does that say? What does that say about me? What's more healthy? That is so interesting. I was more like you growing up, definitely.

My parents... I just didn't have that kind of leeway with Jake. I don't know. We gave him a really long leash. So you were more progressive. You weren't as strict. I never felt like I wasn't going to get in trouble. I'll run away from Hebrew school and my parents

won't even care. You guys cared a lot and I would get yelled at. You guys would send me to my room and I'd be punished. But once I got there I was like, okay, the yelling's over and now I'm happy. And I don't think about it. But were you scared of your parents yelling at you? I was scared of...

I wasn't scared of my mom yelling because my mom never really yelled. There was one time in high school when you called me an asshole and that sort of hurt my feelings. I was being an asshole but there's only so much teenager boy that you could take before you just... I was an asshole for my entire life and you finally said it

once when I was a senior in high school. I think it was okay. And now I feel horrible about it. Of course you do. For no reason. And maybe that's what it was. Because he yelled about things that were so innocuous

that I became desensitized to yelling and discipline or something. Maybe that's it. That could be. He would yell at you for taking too big of a bite. Yell at you for taking too big of a bite. Which you still do by the way. You still shovel food into your mouth.

Literally everything at a certain point. I'm so glad. So like there wasn't like some... It wasn't special when I was punished. I was just yelling about it. My dad just sort of doesn't have volume control. Mom you were great. Dad ruined me. Which is why I think he can do a lot better.

Yeah. Why are you with dad? Why? He is so out of dad's league. Oh, so not true. He is so awesome. And I just want to tell the condom guy and don't trouble your mom and dad.

Yeah. And don't even tell them. Don't tell them that your condoms were too tight. Don't do that. Isn't that a good thing? It's like being like, oh I'm too smart for these glasses. Not quite. Not quite. That's information they do not need.

But it's better that way than the other? Or does it matter? Better that way that it's too tight then. To lose? How dare you ask her that? Rack stacked and jacked. I think as a parent you don't want to know. Just like as a kid do you want to know anything

about what your parents are doing? No. Do you want to know about your dad? No. Do you? Do you want to tell me something? Because I'm serious. We'll get on Tinder right now. I swear to god give me three swipes and I find you three bachelors

better than dad, cooler than dad, definitely stronger, smarter, funnier, even richer than dad. If you can imagine someone richer than the guy that afforded this shit. I love my daddy. Daddy gives me money. I filled out a college

and daddy let me go home. I moved to home and then my dad fed me, clothed me. He yelled at me but whatever. I still got to play Game Boy in the room. He still gave me shelter and money. I love my dad. Daddy!

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We're learning. We're learning. We are learning. Not me. Because you don't have to learn. Will there be a rock bottom for you? Will you force yourself to learn something? Or you think you're just this is it. At age 28 you're not going to get any less stubborn. I've hit rock bottom

a couple times. I feel like I've been with you when I was like this is I have to change. This is like really bad when I'm like super hung over or when I've like done something really like mean to a girl. Yeah. And I and I change for like a couple days and then I just I like forget the way I just I think I forget feelings which is maybe a

It's called regressing to the mean and usually mean means average but yours just actually means mean. You're actually regressing to a mean person. That makes sense. Your mean is being mean. You're regressing to an anger. Thanks. I really appreciate that.

You know what at age 30 I think now that I'm 30 I can speak with some level of wisdom. You know me and your mom are over the age of 30 we're like sort of in that same age level. I think once you reach our age bracket you're gonna you're gonna realize that things aren't as things aren't as young and happy and innocent anymore. You're gonna

have to start addressing your your actions with consequence and you're gonna have to start adjusting your attitude and your behavior. Oh a mirror that was good. Oh you know what never mind I'm totally sorry you're fine you're immune you're invisible. I feel like you you were saying that to someone that wasn't me.

Sorry I was on Tinder during that speech. It was he's not even joking. I get away with everything. I'm a OJ Simpson in that regard who also got away with everything and then he finally got caught. Yeah for selling his own memorabilia or stealing it whatever. He held

the guy up at knife point. Well that was part of taking his memorabilia though. Jesus well I know I'll I'll change. Anyway next question I'll totally I'll change anyway alright ready? Yeah Hey guys

about seven months away this is from a dude named Healy. Healy writes about seven months ago I broke up with a girl because I wasn't that into her since then I found a new girl that I'm crazy about she's hashtag dope however I find I get

really jealous when I hear about how my ex has been hooking up with other guys. I feel the need to hook up with my ex but I don't want to ruin things with the new girl what should I do? Yeah yeah you feel the need to hook up with your ex. Oh my god. He doesn't like her anymore he's with a better person but he's just

he really does feel the need. Feels that pull. Yeah because she's a girl. What do you think mama? I think this guy has a ridiculous ego let it go buddy that's horrible. I agree with my mama. I love my mom

and I love my dad. They give me everything even though I don't deserve it yay but this email was written from you I think it's normal to feel jealous after after you've broken up with someone I think it's normal

to hear that she's hooking up with people and feel like I don't like that but you can't act on those feelings and go and ruin her life and the girl who you're with just because you're jealous yeah and actually what I find really

troubling is you're with a better girl and you have no intention of going back with the other girl you just want to hook up with her. Why? To like show her like how great your lovin' is you know is that really yeah I've done this

a million times so what it is is you don't want to feel like those guys have something that you don't have so you need to sort of go back and assert yourself and be like not only do I still get to sleep with you but you still have feelings for me

and everything you do with anyone else from now on will be meaningless and then you get to go back to the girl that you like and you get to be like I have a secret that will ruin your life if I tell you suddenly I have the advantage over my ex, my current and my future. You always have something up your sleeve so yeah

totally that's me. Do you hate that I'm your son? I can't even I mean I don't think you're joking around right now I am hoping but I can't

imagine you having that impulse to go back to somebody but I can't imagine you ever acting on it because I think you're a lot more. Because I can't imagine it because I won't allow myself I mean you're like a good you're a very like I know I'm not

this is probably a terrible thing to say I think you're like a really good person like basically good and sensitive. Deep down How deep down? What's the deepest level? Yeah because if you go deeper than that am I an asshole again or is it a good guy asshole, good guy

What's the What's the core? Good guy shell then just bad guy almost down to the core there's just sort of a thick tinder shell so here's what it is it's a peanut butter M&M

candy coated asshole candy coated nice guy chocolate asshole I like that so you're a candy exterior is what attracts ladies to you it's like oh this guy's a good guy he's so nice he's so friendly he's a wonderful conversationalist

he's tall attractive funny humorous whatever below that what they don't see is the chocolate they're like uh oh maybe if I really knew every impulse and thought that he had I wouldn't be as attracted to him but then deeper down underneath that is the fact that you're self aware about that chocolate layer because most people are chocolate

and then you get to the middle and it's just chocolate M&M's you're a peanut M&M and that peanut is that level of self awareness that you have that he says you know what that chocolate layer does exist I am an asshole but at the same time I'm not too inclined to change it you don't want to just be a candy coated peanut yeah wow

wow Amir that was amazing that was amazing I really am empowered I'm a chocolate covered peanut M&M no no no you didn't and I can fuck whoever I want even I don't need to

to give a shit about who they are and if I fail if something goes wrong I'll move home and my dad mom will take care of me I really think that's what's gonna happen as shed as my witness there are no consequences for me that's a song that I'm working on

I only have the first line right now I was too busy on Tinder to finish the song my one man show there are no consequences for me you weren't talking about doing stand up and talking about your exploits because they are very entertaining to listen to yeah I really wanted to do one man show but I'm too scared because

you're afraid that it'll expose you as not a nice guy I think no just because I'm afraid I would forget the words when I was up there I would write it all down and it wouldn't be funny so I don't know I don't much more superficial love life I'm afraid I would like my voice would crack and people would think that I'm gay

it goes way more people than like a one man show with the UCB would but yeah this is like just be afraid that would be actually terrifying I think to get up there performing life is hard but that's therapeutic you talk about this podcast it's therapy what about

exposing yourself in front of strangers well I guess that's what this is only I get to do it for you doing it live probably would be therapeutic I'm just too nervous you can't imagine me doing it I also don't see you succeeding let's take a little

mental breather right now I wanted to ask you of all your children you have six kids right yes I do for those of you guys who don't know Jake is an older sister then Jake was born then you guys had triplets yeah and then you had

a child after the triplets right a surprise bonus Jonas if you will well this is a question I asked your husband actually a couple months ago what would you say is the perfect amount of kids to have in retrospect you know in retrospect

well I can tell you we started out to have our intention was to have three but sometimes the best things are beyond your intention and honestly six was perfect great because he said two without batting an eyelash I didn't even finish my question

before he said two well Jake would have slid that wire you would have made it I would have been very different if I only had if it was just me and Hannah if there weren't triplets if there weren't Micah yeah I think the whole family dynamic would have been

a lot different but did you worry about Jake the most as a child definitely oh you mean just kind of behavior yeah let's say like when Hannah was 18 Jake was 16 triplets were like 12 and Micah was 8 whose future did you fear about the most Jake without a doubt

I often say that Jake was like this like kind of trailblazer in a way like absolutely nothing could surprise me after Jake but I love I actually love that about you I mean honestly Jake you've made me open my mind

a lot I think it's just true a lot of my friends who had you know good kids do an air quote good kids not like Jake in the traditional sense like they did charity and weren't mean to people I mean you know to be woken up at 3 in the morning

because a friend of yours has gotten hit over the head with a bat and or to have the some of the police you know knocking at the door saying your son drove off with the gas pump thing sticking in the car and he broke the pump and now

the mobile station wants you guys to make restitution I mean you know there's stuff like that all the time and it just like it kept saying it can't get any worse than this and then it would it would get worse so you know you're not at rock bottom yet actually

yeah really you know I didn't have I had such a shelter childhood and now that Jake and I have ended up in more or less the same place I wish I had been crazier because like what did I what was I such a pussy about for now I'm sitting in a shed across from this asshole doing the same

thing as him he had an amazing childhood meanwhile I'm that half-camp every summer trying to figure out the best way to academically further my career here I am the same goddamn shed how is that fair how is that good life is not fair it's not a meritocracy that's what I've told

many people it's not a mere its talk I'm you know that was good that's my new book actually a mere a talker see on peanut butter m&m's and you yeah well but maybe if I was like you we wouldn't end up doing what we're doing because it doesn't take

two people like that yeah I think that's like probably what it was that like we were opposites that we like found some like happy medium it's definitely what makes the podcast better kind of like your marriage I that is some kind of weird robot yeah I mean well dad's very common

sensical he's definitely just like me he's like you yeah and he was always like you know super high achieving in school and she's strict and his mother wanted him to be a doctor I need to find my own Jake's mom the Dharma to my Greg yeah honestly that when that show came on

I thought it that's us or there was this show called Bridget loves Bernie that was on in the 70s about a Jewish how old are you mom I'm ancient what were you born in the 60s but I do think you need to balance and you guys total you balance each other

really really well yeah the thing that scares me is that I found my soulmate and it's just a mirror so there's no chance I mean finding like this doesn't happen twice I think at this point it doesn't strike twice it might be better to just be gay I think like the hard part we've tried

I actually wanted you on the podcast okay tell me it didn't take it was hard we did it in the high school you did ask me once if I was gay do you remember that yeah and I had a well do you remember the guidance counselor in seventh grade asked me about that you know

he meant yeah he was actually wondering if you could hook Jake up with him it's like is Jake gay and does he like dudes like me I'm not buff but I'm pretty cut and I'm good at guidance he was being

bullied on the school bus he remember this Jake now this is another embarrassing story he was being bullied by guys on the school bus and they were calling him gay and the F words that I can't say because I don't talk like that when I went to the guidance counselor I said you know this is very disturbing

I mean Jake's coming home really upset I think you were crying every day it was horrible but anyway the guidance counselor rather than saying those kids should not be bullying Jake he said well is he gay? I know

seventh graders being picked up like you gay you homies like Mrs. Hurwitz I have some pretty bad news for you you know Rod and a bunch of the cool dudes under the suspicion that your son is a homo yeah he's a queer loser high fives the bullies is there any chance that Jake is in fact a queer mo?

I should say something to them but I don't know there's kind of a lot of them I'd hate for me to yell at them and then them be right I don't want them to think I'm gay what a terrible guidance counselor that he was on the bully side yeah well it was

truly disturbing because of that well we didn't like that school and that's why you went to private school so there you go well you let me stay in that school for another four years we wanted you to toughen up Jake that was weird I spent like I spent all you know

K-6 having friends and then we moved one year and I went to a new school for seventh grade and I was just the hugest loser for one year and then like I went back to school in eighth grade and it was like people forgot that it happened that I wasn't cool

I went to the same school and I wasn't cool but I was just normal yeah yeah that's true one worst year of my life which maybe retrospect was kind of formative yeah because no comedian is cool throughout their childhood otherwise they wouldn't have to be funny well see so fortunately for me I just had

one year of bullying and that shit and that let me be a comedian so I didn't have to endure that another thing that Sharon definitely worked out for you yeah I mean that's actually really true I spent one off year where you were into wrestling figures and I'm sorry I won't go into it wrestling figures were cool that was not

why I was not cool that was actually the coolest thing about me that was the one thing I had going for me what was the loserest thing about you I don't think there was nothing like losers about me it was just like I was on the wrong bus line there was like one kid who decided that I was gay yeah that was it

what does he know you know it's amazing actually yeah this is a good story you tell it Jake ruined my at least half my years do you want to say his name I can say I won't say the full name I'm saying

and if you're listening fuck off this is so small me and my mom are gonna yell at you you're the queer now so I didn't think about it for a long time and then one day I was at work I was in charge of hiring

interns and he had applied to be a college immigrant you should have hired him and made him be your lackey I remember I talked to Sarah Schneider about it and I told her the whole entire story because I was so oddly happy just to know because he sent me his resume

I saw what he had been up to Jack shit we should bleep his name I really don't want to no one's gonna know it's a ubiquitous name that's not even his real name that's right his name's something different

so he had been up to a lot and he also name dropped me I think Jake Hurwitz works there we went to school together and I was like I'm gonna treat him like I treat every intern that we're not hiring I just won't even respond he's actually the CMO of a fortune 500 company now he's working at Intel

he started BuzzFeed and you can believe it and he's standing outside the shed oh god he was in the shed he left two chicks that he met on Tinder he had a bulldozer and a deed to this house mommy pushed dad down he's stealing dad's money

daddy daddy what do we do without your money he pushed dad down but you only care that he took daddy's money yeah without daddy's money I don't have my cell phone I don't have my car I don't have my apartment

how do I eat without dad's money daddy daddy your money that's everything you are to me we should have your dad as a guest later on just like as the most practical

pragmatic oh my god yeah that would be really funny interesting show should we get to one last question before we have to get out of here let's do one final one this one comes from another dude we'll call him Piper

even though that's a female character's name alright hey dudes so I was skyping with my girlfriend and she told me she was watching the show Naked and Afraid then she made the comment I would love to be on that show I couldn't help but feel incredibly disappointed in her and I told her that I would not be okay with her being

naked on national TV let alone being with a naked guy for 30 days in the woods she then said that I was being crazy for being weird about it and hypothetically if she was asked she would accept to be on the show even though I would forbid it because I would be selfish for robbing her of the experience

we then proceeded to get into a huge argument am I crazy for having an issue with the thought of my girlfriend being naked on national TV or should she respect my feelings and if she hypothetically would be asked to be on the show she should say no thanks Piper

that is so convoluted but also it's amazing it's such a relationship problem this hypothetical problem despite over nothing the word hypothetical would just use way too many times I think for this to even really be a question

just if you're like grammar from a grammar standpoint here too much hypothetical and anything hypothetical you should not have a huge issue with it's hypothetical but maybe there's a real issue here and that this person this relationship isn't built on a solid ground

the issue is that he thinks he can use words like forbid I absolutely forbid this you're like a mean husband from the 1950s but he's forbidding a hypothetical which makes it a little okay you're right I mean maybe it is an issue

the word forbid is also a very heavy word I don't think he should be speaking like that to anyone no I don't know it doesn't matter at all I guess my advice for a situation like this where you're like getting upset over a hypothetical this is similar to the guy who's the girl was like

you either have a threesome with two guys and two girls and you got really upset I mean just immediately drop it and keep in the back of your mind if it ever comes up that's when you come out swinging there's no need now to have this you don't have to put your foot down on something that doesn't exist put it on the back burner and if anything

you'll seem cool and it's just going to die down I want to be on the show and make it in a frame like oh that'd be awesome that'd be great if that ever came up I would support that and then since it never ever will you'll never have to deal with it if it does then just be like actually I'm really not okay with this

and then you guys have to big fight when it means something but you can never forbid you can just state your case and see if she goes with it or not yeah wow you guys are really wise I was hung up on that word hypothetical but you're right I mean there maybe is an underlying issue thing I think it is the word forbid and I do think

the fact that this is all hypothetical well what if Jake's dad wanted to be on this show Naked and Afraid with a naked person on TV for 30 days would you forbid it at all I would applaud it you used to want to be on Wifeswap oh I wanted to be on Wifeswap I did and if they were still doing the show

even if they're not doing the show if anyone's out there down to swing or whatever we went to a swingers party everyone left our keys in the bowl it's like they made some kind of pact we were the only people in a swingers party that went there together and left together you guys know what Wifeswap is

right it has nothing to do with swinging you know that right okay I just wanted to be clear I wanted to be clear that just you become a mommy at a different house for a week or two did they get any of our money I wanted to find the polar

opposite of our house yeah like and a polar opposite of dad which is just like a strapping handsome smart charming man who's like good with people I'm dead serious check this out I know people, Amir knows people your dad for instance maybe has some friends

or doctors yeah I guess my dad's friends with doctors this is insane that you're slumming it with this fucking I don't even want to call him a dude because he's not one of the dudes he's a weird little man child I can't believe

that I'm half him I'll go as far as to say that I'm 100% you I'm a child of an affair or some kind of immaculate conception or something but listen you're in his shed this is dad's turf

don't get me wrong it is dad's turf I appreciate the cell phone I appreciate the car, the apartment, the food you appreciate only the materialistic things I have money to put into my account every week and I appreciate that I don't take out the trash anymore but I get $48,000 put into my account a week

and I appreciate that $48,000 we're not fucking crazy $48,000 what determines whether it's 4, 5, 6, 7 it depends on how much I'm asking for I mean I'm always asking for 10 but sometimes we're at odds

sometimes he's heard the podcast and hears me calling him out but I don't know, I love you dad I think your money is great I think mom can do better this isn't about me and you I'm not saying I can have a better dad I'm saying she can have a better husband I've stated my case

it is what it is the family versus the family I love you dad she's a man two minutes of ranting against him one casual aside you're standing on a building one foot over whatever I love you man

anyway if you started dating at age 14 you don't have any experience with X's and stuff like that right well oddly enough Sam and I were really good friends when I was 14 and he was 16

but we didn't start dating until I was 16 and he was 18 so was that two year period yeah there was a two year period of high school I'm serious my mom well actually

abandoned the bit abandoned it well let it go I did have two boyfriends one of them his girlfriends parents were professors at Yale they were on sabbatical

I was his girlfriend during that sabbatical year the girlfriend came back he dropped me so like he went to pick this girl up at the airport and that was that done maybe that rejection is what made you rebound to dad and stick with him that is exactly what did it

if you're listening we will not even get that name out there you go you're listening I want you back I haven't gotten over you I have six kids with the same man we've been married 35 years but I will throw it away

I will pick you up at the airport please this is my love song it goes like this oh gosh good episode good advice thank you very much well listen this was really fun

we were in the squalid shed it was like so much fun you guys are awesome the acoustics in here are great we think you're awesome and actually if you want to hear more of my mom's musings she has a blog where she writes I think they're very lovely essays posts, poems sometimes

they're touching and funny at the same time they're dramedy and it's lollyblog.tumblr.com yeah that's what it is thank you l-o-l-l-i-b-l-o-g so if you want to know from the makers of Jake Hurwitz

comes a blog my second find is offering it goes Jake the blog your other kids yes if you guys want to email to the show

email again you won't be able to get Jake's mom's advice because she just did the show and she probably won't want to do it again for a long time so we'll try to answer them as best we can we're also accepting theme song submissions that first one was from Jace and the last one will be from Tyler

and we're also giving shoutouts to people who left reviews on our iTunes page because it really helps so thank you so much Chinese Thunder, Steffi Love 2, Noah12339, Sherlon B and Ashisha we really appreciate that you guys oh we still have tickets available for our show at Little Field

on November 6th in Brooklyn so you can buy that and we're also going on tour with Streeter you can go to collegehumor.com slash chontour we finally figured out the URL for that so if you live somewhere along the eastern seaboard or the midwest

we'd love to see you there for that thanks again for coming on our show oh man this is really fun it's my new favorite episode well second favorite because Ricky killed it he killed it you're definitely number two in my heart oh man that means so much to me

you're still gonna feed me pizza after this right you know it okay great thank you so much I'm gonna go eat some pizza but thanks so much for listening everyone bye