If I Were You - 320: Prostitute Tips

Episode Date: March 19, 2018

In this episode we discuss mother nature, father time, and grandfather pillows.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. I loved how strange that was. That was a little too bizarre for me. That reminded me of early Flight of the Concords or something. Oh yeah, it's true. They're actually a band from Canterbury, UK. Yes, Canterbury Tales and all that shiatsu called Burn the Arson,

a long-term project fusing metal and hip-hop elements. Burn the arson. Yeah. Good stuff. That's how fucking rockstar they are. That's why when I play that song, I feel scared. You were scared? And I'm ashamed. So the two feelings you feel right now are scared and ashamed?

Yeah, I'm fearful and embarrassed of me. Wow. I don't want to be hurt. Intimid and frightened. That one's from Josh and Josh. So thanks, Josh and Josh and Burn the Arson. We're back from Austin. This is our first day back after Texas, after Canada.

Yeah. Canada shows were insane. South by Southwest, Austin, Texas. Our shows there were crazy. I shouldn't say just you, but I also had a lot of late nights. You had later nights. I did. I mean...

Would you say you went too hard or just hard enough? I think I went, I guess, hmm, that's a good question. Do you have any regrets about how hard you went? No, there was never a day, and I've had other days on the road where I woke up and I was like, oh no, today is now gone. Right. You never lost a day. I never lost a day.

I was always up by, you know, mid-late morning. Yeah. And I was always ready to go that next night. Did you ever feel incredibly hungover where you all just kind of like just a constant state of being hungover? I think the worst was the night after our show, I woke up and I was like, oh no, oh no, no, no, no. I'm so hungover and drunk still.

Oh. But then I like, I got out of bed and I was like, we partied until 5.30. And then somebody, I think it was Whitney reminded me that it was daylight savings time. Oh. And I was like, oh, I only partied until 4.30 and I instantly felt better. And I was like, all right, that's not as bad, that's not as bad as I thought. Right, you got an hour of leeway back. Yeah.

So. And then did you feel less hungover just because of that last night? Just, yeah, instantaneous less hungover. It was like relief for some reason. But I did drink every single night, which. Starting in Winnipeg. Yeah. Last night was the first night that I didn't drink at all.

And? Just amazing. It's just amazing. So you basically went out so hard that you feel now you don't miss the alcohol. You're like, I can't wait to not drink for several weeks. Yeah, I don't even want to go out this weekend. Oh, you want to just fucking Netflix and chill. Saturday night, I'll want to go out.

Yeah, obviously. Right now, I don't. It's nice to like not change yourself, you know? And what about diet? Did you go any diet or did you say, fuck it, this is a cheat week? I was still dieting when we were in Canada. And then in Austin, I was like keeping it kind. No, in Austin, I didn't like gorge myself, but I didn't really pay attention to my diet.

Right. But like on the road in Canada, I actually like hit the gym one day. We were walking around. Canada felt like relatively healthy. Tame, yeah. And we didn't like get super, super drunk. Yeah, we just get a drink or two after the shows with Thomas. What about you?

I was feeling kind of sick. So I never like, I never stayed out super late. So while everyone like, like at one AM when everyone's like, let's try to find that last bar, I would just go home. That it was every night in Austin too? Yes, in Austin. The worst I felt was the night of our show. Yeah.

I remember we were in the green room. Yeah. And you just like, there was just like plastic folding chairs in there. No couch, no nice anything. Yeah. And you came in, you opened up three plastic folding chairs. Right. And you lied down.

Across three. Just a little rest. Yeah. I have to let my body not do anything. And I was like, oh no, we're fucked. We're on at 30, everyone. Look alive, people. Oh man.

Fortunately, the energy of the crowd got me going. Yeah. You rallied. But that just meant I collapsed even harder the next day. And how do you feel right now? 95%. Yeah. So almost completely healed.

That's really good. Just enough time to fly to the Middle East tomorrow. Right. Why not? But enough recap. This is about looking forward. This is an advice show. Obviously a podcast.

Well, we should say thank you to everybody that came to the show. Well, fuck them. They already bought the tickets. They're a sunk cost. You're such a piece of shit. Sorry. I didn't even think about. This is why you hemorrhage fans.

You yelled this in Calgary too. Everybody who bought a ticket raised their hand. That should be all of you, right? Yeah. And you're useless to me. Starting now, you can go home because I already get the cash. You jackass. No, all the shows were great.

Yeah. Every show. And you guys are great for coming. Thank you. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah. This is an advice show, a podcast called If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the

internet, hosted by us. Once again, I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And we got some questions to answer. I should say we're going to try to release maybe even all the live shows because I don't know if we announced it on this show, but we had a special guest, Thomas Middleditch, join us for all three. That was very, very.

Canada shows. Yep. So he came out in Winnipeg. Nobody knew he was coming. They went nuts for the guy. Yeah. They couldn't believe he was there. In Calgary, maybe they thought it, but they didn't think it would.

It could their dreams come true. And then they did. And Vancouver, everyone expected it. They were used to it and they booed him. He came out to, you could hear a pin drop. It was abject silence. I couldn't stress how silent it was in that theater when Thomas debuted himself. He knew he came out and he did doobs.

That's right. He did such a good job that I feel bad not releasing any of the episodes. Some will be regular episodes. Maybe some will be bonus Thursday. Maybe we'll space them out. I don't know what we're going to do. But they're all nicely recorded shows and they're all super funny because Thomas was super funny in them.

Yes. Whenever I was ready to move on to a next question, he was like, no, let's squeeze some more comedy out of this thing. He would try to answer the questions. So you can really tell that. And you guys, they came to the show, you got it, but you also didn't get to travel with them for three days. Yeah.

I was laughing down stuff. It's not like he, he's, I feel like with us, we kind of perform on stage and then off stage. We're not necessarily performing that much. Yeah. He's like constantly funny all the time. Just like instantly, like we're on an airplane and he just turns around and is a different guy. Yeah.

Oh God. I'm glad he likes it because we like it and it doesn't seem like he's doing it annoyingly. Like he, he seems to enjoy the, just turning into a new character every hour or two. Yeah. He can, he can just like summon them from nowhere and have like the vocabulary for a character and have the accent for a character. Yeah. Yeah.

During the show, I'm like, can you do a German? Yeah. Can you do Australian? Yes. Can you do Stoner? Yes. Girl? Yes.

Anything. Like he can't not do anything in terms of characters. He was a, and like he was, he would just be like, oh, is it like, is this like, is he a positive guy? Yeah. You're like, yeah, he is. And then it's just like positive German 21 year old skilling. Well, you'll see.

All right. All right. No spoilers. No spoilers. That's some good ones that we didn't get to on the road. Oh, shit. Let's see. I sent you some.

All right. Here's one. This one's called Me, Myself and Prostitutes. Okay. We'll call this man Donald Logue. Why? Because it's almost an actor's name, but not. All right.

Donald Logue writes, I'm going to cut to the chase. I'm in the market for an escort. I'm a single guy, early 20s, and I'm seizing the cheese with ladies left, right and center. However, I've got some cash to splash at the moment, and it's been on my bucket list for to spend a night with a high class escort. And I mean high class. I can afford to spend around one to $2,000 on a one time fling because I've saved up the money and I'm looking to have a night where I get everything I want from a girl, a long

deep throat blow job, anal and fuck it, a massage too. I'm paying for it. The only problem is I don't know where to go shopping for an escort. I want to guarantee that she will be good looking and match her photos, that she will be able to fulfill my sexual desires to porn star standard. I'll pay whatever she demands as long as she doesn't disappoint and see make me feel like my money was well spent and not leave me wishing for more. If you had the cash to splash and the morals that I do, how would you go about finding a

reliable, beautiful one time escort who wouldn't blow my money? No pun intended. I appreciate the help. Ta-da. Love. Donald. Loog. No-da.

Yeah. What do you think? I just rattled off a whole bunch of names of escort sites. You want to go online, obviously. There are a few good ones are. Just look at the Yelp reviews. Have you ever even looked into such a thing? No.

Do you even know where to start? I wouldn't know where to start. It's kind of sad that he's so shameless and optimistic and positive about how much of a kind of loser he is. Yeah, the expectation. Yeah. As long as she fulfills my needs. Hell, I'm paying for it.

You can't get a girl to give you a massage. No. You can't just find somebody that likes you enough. I'm a bad person and I'll need to spend $2,000, not on a nice laptop, but on a throaty ass bloat. To porn star standards. What are porn star standards? I don't know, but you imagine someone's blowing you and you're just holding up a video of

Jenna Jameson. You're like, more like this, Cheryl. Yeah. I have a feeling that would cost more than $1,000, but I guess I don't know how the going rate is. That being said, I also don't think you get to pay depending on how good or bad the service was. It seems like more of an upfront cost to me.

Yeah. I think that it's a slippery slope to go to be like, I have $2,000 and I want all of my fantasies fulfilled for the night. Yeah. It's like a ... I don't know. Why don't you start with the massage? Because one of the three things was just a massage.

I'm sure you can get a really nice massage for a couple hundred bucks. I think you just need to change your attitude and get a girlfriend. Yeah. Because all this stuff happens also when you fall in love with somebody, you could say, hey, I have fantasies. Do you have fantasies? Let's fulfill each other's fantasies. Yeah, but it doesn't seem like ...

I want a really, really long blow job. He doesn't ... It really needs to be a deep throat long blow job, as he referenced. Well, you could find a girlfriend that likes giving and receiving or just giving oral sex. Yeah, but it doesn't seem like he wants to give anything except for cash. Cash. Yeah, so he doesn't want to pay it forward. He wants to pay cash backwards.

I don't know what to tell him. I don't know about be good looking and match her photos. That's out of my pay grade. I think you just ... The very least beggars can't be choosers. If you are going to pay a prostitute to fuck you, you've got to just spend the money and hope for the best. Yeah. I think a lot of people that do this have ... Whatever you're creating in your head of a high class

escort situation, I don't think it's the reality. Right, and I also think that $1,000 isn't that much in the world of escorts, it seems. He keeps saying, I'll pay whatever she demands, but could you pay $20,000 or could you only pay $900? Right, $1,000 where you're nickel and diamond. Can I ... Fine, throw in a massage. Is there really going to be another 100? But I'm not paying for room service.

Will you scratch my back at least? We're not going to split the hotel room? Yeah, it seems like all the money after the fact is going to have to be added or deducted from a tip. It seems like everything else has to be paid up front. You're not thinking of all the costs. You got the hotel room, you got Uber there and back. You're going to want champagne in the room.

You're going to want the chocolate-covered strawberries. Yeah, and it feels like anal is going to be the most expensive one. Yeah. He wants the most expensive items on the menu. He wants ... Deep throat blow job in anal. Yeah, he wants the truffle oil and he wants to pay regular prices. Yeah.

It's not going to happen. No. So what you got to do is just pay a shitload of money for an awesome massage and then be a better person and find someone who'll give you the rest of the stuff for free. That's true. You can pay the $2,000 for the best massage of your life for sure. That's a spa day. Yeah.

That's a spa weekend. That's right. And then you got the massage part and then you just have to find someone that likes you enough to give you a long, quote, deep throat blow job. What about just if you're straight up ... If this is what you want, what about just hiring a porn star? Yeah. Why is porn legal and prostitution not?

Couldn't you just go on ... I hate that I'm ... This is going to turn into me giving him advice on how to get this, but couldn't you just go on one of those amateur porn sites where the ... The ladies are willing to do this on camera for money. Right. The porn agency people, you go to the agent, you're like, hey, yeah, I want to hire this new person who you guys are saying is ready to do porn. Right.

For an amateur thing. Right. You can go to my website, Twitter.com, slash Donald. I'll give her $2,000 and we'll shoot a scene and then you don't have to ever do it. Yeah. We ended up not releasing the footage because I don't know, the audio was corrupt or some shit. Right.

That's ... That's good advice for what you want, but I still think you're a bad guy. All right. Let's see what else. Here's a different, more kind of sweet question. I'll call this guy, Johnold Loge. Why? Because it sounds like Donald Loge, but it has to be just a little bit different.

Johnold writes, my name is John, short for Johnold. Hey, buddies, I can really use some advice right now. I'm currently living with my girlfriend of two years who I cherish and adore more than anything. See? Nice. I'm already feeling better. This is great.

I've been acting a little bit like a controlling bitch. Oh, God damn it, really? He lasted one sentence. Here's the story. Oftentimes when I sleep, I wake up with a sore back. However, recently I realized when I squeeze a pillow tightly between my knees while I'm trying to fall asleep, I'll wake up in the morning with no back pain. I know it's weird, but hey, it works.

Anyway, I use the same pillow when I do this since I feel like I formed a bond with this cushion. I've started to call this pillow, Grandpa Kenneth. Grandpa for short. It's the name of my grandfather who passed away a year ago. While he was alive, we were really close and I miss him. And for some reason, my girlfriend hates that I've chosen this name for my pillow. She doesn't think that the pillow that should have a name at all, let alone one named after

my grandfather. It makes her nauseous to think that I would denote an item that I leg squeeze on a nightly basis to a relative. She thinks that it's a weird sexual thing, but I honestly just miss my grandfather and I know it's stupid, but having this pillow with his name makes me feel a little bit better, like he's still around. Anyway, what would you guys do? What do you think I should do?

Keep the name of the pillow, change its name, eradicate the idea of a pillow name entirely, or is there another option? Please help me. Any advice would be more than greatly appreciated with love. Wait, I shouldn't have said his name. We can't edit it out. I'm sure his girlfriend knows who we're talking about. Yeah.

There was a question about a crotch pillow named Grandpa Kenneth, but they didn't use your name. Was it you, John Holden? I don't know. I think it was just a weird coincidence. That is so... This is just such an odd question. Yeah.

What do you think? Do you understand the lady's predicament? Well first of all, I just wanted to say that I also sleep with the pillow between my knees. Oh really? And it does help alleviate the back pain, so if anybody out there's got lower back pain, give it a shot. Interesting. And then do you call it your...do you name it after a late relative?

And if you did and your girlfriend didn't like it, would you change what you call it? Well so I call my pillow Great Anchor, which is my Great Anchor who passed away, so I can relate to him on that front as well. And you call it that because the original pillow was just her head. Jesus Christ, dude. What? That's enough. That's absolutely enough.

I think it is...why does he need to say the name of the pillow ever? You really need the name for the pillow. He's like, just call it Grandpa Kenneth in your head if you really need to. Yeah, but what are you supposed to say out loud? Has anybody seen my what? Crotch pillow pillow? No, you have to say. Has anyone seen my grandpa, my sweet Grandpa Kenneth?

I sleep with him between my thighs. I must squeeze you this night, Grandfather. I really need your hair on my thigh, Grandfather. I want your cheeks between my knees, Grampy. Oh, Papa Ken. Has anyone seen Papa? Help my ailing back, Grandfather. Even if you didn't understand your girlfriend's annoyance, would you just say, fine, I won't

call it that? Or would it piss you off and say, no, I'm not going to change what I call this pillow? Dig my heels in. You don't understand that I just miss my grandpa. Why don't you just call something else in your house? Call your microwave grandpa Kenneth. That's good. That way grandpa is warming your heart.

Yeah. Yeah. Warms your...well, in your food. Yeah. More importantly, your food. Your lasagna. Or you just say like, or you just name your girlfriend's pillow. After some relative of hers that passed away.

Like, why do you think I'm weird for sleeping with Grandpa Kenneth between my knees? You're sleeping with great-grandmother Esther behind your head. Why I've named every piece of furniture. I'm currently sitting on Sydney. My late cousin who passed from tuberculosis in 1912. And you on Arthur, oh, everything has a name and a soul. Where are you going? You're drinking from David.

That glass represents my baby niece who died in the womb. An uncle who killed himself in a suicide ward in 1812. You are a little crazy now that I think about it. Don't name furniture after dead relatives. We're on your girlfriend's side. No, I mean, you could just call...Grandpa Kenneth lives in your heart. You can call the pillow whatever you want. I do believe that.

But don't think that just because you named the pillow Grandpa Kenneth that you're any closer to him than you could be by just thinking about him in any other capacity shape or form. Yeah. All right. So you're saying change his name or don't change his name or just don't call it the name. I think there's just not really a reason to fight. Because now you're turning your girlfriend against your grandfather who you hold so dear.

So there's... You can believe in your heart that this pillow is still your grandpa. Yes. And then you say, I won't call it that name because I know it offends you in an odd way. Whisper to your fucking niece in the night. I love you, Grandpa Kenneth. Yeah. And your girlfriend's like, what?

Nothing. I was just talking to my niece. Your niece or your niece? My niece. Get off me. You're freaking me out. All right. Let's take a break.

We'll thank some other sponsors. And then we'll be back with more questions and answer and maybe some unsolicited advice after this. Yes. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow.

That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. My parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. She let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app.

Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

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That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable

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So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable.

That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks BetterHelp. And we're back. Just in time for some. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. It's a lift.

Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift.

Oh, it's a lift. I'm curious. When you edit the podcast, do you drop that track in or do you just use the audio from of your computer playing into the microphone? Good question. I drop it in. Nice. Yeah.

It's very professional. I wish I didn't use the one with mom I'm coming but now it's sort of part of the show. People even yelled at that at us during the live shows. They did. It was for some unsolicited advice and then we had a few super fans yell that at us. Mom, I'm coming. Yeah. And it didn't make sense to the people who hadn't heard it.

But that's fine. Of course. Because they shouldn't be at the fucking show. I ride with my day one. We should say we have yet to announce our NYC PodFest show. Oh, shit. So if you want to come to that show and yell, mom, I'm coming, that would be great. I think the only one we have on our schedule right now, it's in New York, New York City,

Manhattan. So you're on a live show in Manhattan? Oh, I don't think that we ever have. Yeah. It's part of NYC PodFest. So if you go to nycpodfest.com, it'll be on Friday, April 6th at 8.45 p.m. And there are not a lot of tickets to this show. Yeah.

It's a smaller show and it's a big city, so grab it while you can. Unsolicited advice, I got a good one this week. I really wish I set up the Amazon affiliate link because this one's very affordable. You can get it on Amazon. Goddamn. It's for all the drivers out there. I am unsolicitedly advising you to get the TechMat AirVent Magnetic Universal Car Mount holder for smartphones.

Wait, is that not the iClever? It's different. It's different than the iClever. The iClever one might work and I think that's the one you have. I have the iClever. Okay, so you can. So mine is easier to spell and say at least. Yeah.

What's this one called? The TechMat. Okay, what it is is a magnet and it grips to your air vent or to your CD slot and you can mount your iPhone or your smartphone, whatever phone you want while you're driving. I was a little skeptical about magnet technology at first because I thought it wouldn't be very good. I was one of those idiots that had like one of those sticky dashboard mounts for a little bit but it kept falling because it was too hot or it couldn't support the weight of the

phone. I looked into it and I got the magnet one. The clip itself is just a magnet so you clip it onto your air conditioner vent and then the magnet goes in between your phone and your case so you never even see the magnet. It just sticks to this thing pretty much invisibly and it's not only a game changer for me but it only costs eight dollars. I've just looked up yours and yeah, they are truly the exact same thing. Okay, great.

It's a car mount for your car phone. It's only eight bucks and it changed the game. I no longer have to deal with like, you know, hand holding or doing whatever. You get a little charger so you can charge while you drive and then there's no set up timer like you're putting it into a mount that you have to stretch and then clip in and then hopefully it doesn't fall. It's kind of like a magic little magnet that you just like it sticks to this thing and then you can drive.

Yeah, I got the same thing and I love it as well. That's my piece of business. First, I want to say me. You're right. So that was a trivia question of sorts. Yes. And? You are correct.

Yeah, you got it first and then I finally bit the bullet. Yeah, it was kind of like nerdy or whatever because you're a little afraid of getting it first. I don't like buying accessories for my car. I like having it nice and clean. This one, it keeps it, it's actually cleaner than when I used to just put my phone in my cup holder and look down at maps and like sort of have to bend my head down to see and I would, it was dangerous.

Yeah. This is better. So get one of those, especially if you just got a new car and you don't know how to mount your phone yet. Magnet. Magnet. Magnet. Magnet.

Magnet. 20 more minutes. Whoa. Crazy. We have to stop hanging out together. Yeah. All right. Next question?

Yes. Here's one from a guy we'll call FatDit. Why? I hate to question every name you've come up with today. Because he's not quite a FatZit, but he's very close. All right. All right. Hey guys, I'm in a bit of a sticky situation.

So as a single dude, I frequently use Tinder and I personally think I'm a pretty attractive man. However, I only have average success and that got me thinking, would I have more success with guys? So of course, I set my match preferences to guys and it immediately blows up. I'm constantly getting matched and messaged. So after my experiment, I decided to leave my Tinder, but right before I do, I get one more message and it's from someone I know.

From my circle of friends, I quickly delete the account, but now I'm scared it's going to get out that I'm a homosexual. Should I bring it up to my friends or just wait it out and see what happens? This is the 2018 equivalent of, I was just at a gay bar for fun or accidentally and I saw someone from my work and it's like, well, I didn't know that it was a gay bar, but I'm there. So what should he do? What would you do?

Would it be? Would you be freaking out? You didn't even see that. I feel like I really wish you just had the courage to see what the message said. Yeah. I'm sure it just said like, hey or higher. I had no idea you were gay, but now I do. Right.

And I'm going to tell everyone. Yeah. God forbid. I don't know what you do. I really don't. This one stumped me. Because like you're going to come off as homophobic if you're like, I swear I'm not gay. I didn't fucking mean to do that because then it seems like you're actually-

I'd come across as homophobic if you treat it like the worst thing in the world. Right. Which he kind of is right now being like, I quickly deleted the account. I don't know what to do. I'm scared that people will find out. You know, like I don't, you just don't want to be like misrepresented. You know, it's already hard for you to get laid from women. It might be harder if all of your friends assume that you're gay.

But it would be the opposite. If you're gay, would you like want to clear the record that you're not straight? Yeah. You just want to be misrepresented. There's no good or bad you're saying. You just want it to accurately put it out there that you are what you are. I think that, well, this guy is having like a freak out about it as maybe a little homophobic inherently.

But I think that you don't need to freak out and maybe you just reach out to that guy. And you are like, hey, by the way, we matched on Tinder and that was weird. I don't know how that happened. Yeah. I'm not, for the record, I'm not gay. This is another thing that I constantly say. It's like when you make one mistake or one thing that you want to cover up, just like do a shit ton of it.

So like you get back on Tinder, you open it up to guys, swipe, match, be like, I just got 80 fucking dude matches and some chick matches and I'm getting messages all over the place. It sort of muddies up the water so that there was not like only one guy who sent one message. It was just like, for whatever reason, my account was set to open, open season, open for business and I got a shit ton of messages, messages from all sorts of strangers. Right. So, but so that would require him to redownload Tinder, which maybe he'll be able to see that

message. Yeah. And then you'd be like, oh, that's weird. I don't know why it has me as open for guys and girls. Maybe I said that, like, I was interested in whatever and that accidentally put me up. But of course I'm not. I'm not gay is all. Actually look at my new bio.

I'm not gay is all. You can clearly see that I'm not gay is all. Also, I'm five foot four in heels, LOL. I'm not gay. I might be short and mean, but I definitely am not a homosexual. Jesus. All right. Saying it like that makes it.

Capricorn only. Why Capricorn only? I don't know. I believe this is the act. This bio is too long. Your bio is too long. I have a lot of notes on the bio. Yeah.

You just got a machine gun. All sorts of shit. Throw a lot of shit on the wall and see what sticks. Some of it will say you're gay. Some of it not. Can you beat that? Can you get that advice? I guess I am going to go back.

I'm going to just say, redownload Tinder. See if you could see that message and then act like adjust from there. And if you can't, then I'm going to change my answer to never say anything ever. Just assume it didn't happen. Yeah. Let's try that one. But then doesn't it seem like a little, a little gay secret? I deleted my Tinder, but now I have one little gay secret out there.

Yeah. But is it? I don't know what you're talking about. I just don't know if your fear is having, like people think that you have a gay secret. If like you doing quote unquote damage control about it, does anything to address it. Yeah. You match with a guy on Tinder and then you reach out and you're like, huh, I'm not gay. Wait, how did you match with your friend?

He said he switched his preferences to men. Right. But his friend, his friend couldn't message him unless he fucking matched him. Yeah. So you probably swiped him right. Oh, right. Wait, it's what? I see.

Never mind. I forgot that he, he wasn't just like accepting like both profiles. He was actively swiping guys right to see if he would get more matches. Just to see if you're, if you're gay hot in addition to straight hot. Dude, straight up, like it's more embarrassing like what you did than what everyone thinks. Yeah. You should just live your life as a gay man instead of this weird little vain boy. Because it would be much, much better to be a gay man than to be a straight man who opened

his profile up to see if gay man found him attractive. Right. That's just, just about, you were just, I wasn't gay. I was just getting at a boys. All right. I wanted to read this email even though it wasn't a question. It was just a fun story. Four years ago writes Justin, I was on a train on my way to class and there was a girl sitting

across from me cracking up at her phone for 15 minutes. I couldn't help but notice her amazing smile and laugh. At one point she tilted her phone just enough to let me know that she was watching Jake and Amir videos, which I also watched. We got off the train at the same stop and I decided to go for it and talk to her about the one thing we knew we had in common, your videos. Long story short, I got her number and we set up our first date. We went to Starbucks to get to know each other and really hit it off.

This is where the horror story starts. What? After our first date, I walked her to a car and gave her a little smooch. She sat down in her car and I closed the door prematurely. She wasn't completely in the car yet. I didn't think I slammed it very hard, but it was enough to break her foot. Oh no. She called her brother to take her to the hospital and did not respond to any of my many apologies.

I kept seeing her cast crutches and all on the train in the morning, but she ignored me every time. That's insane. Six weeks went by and she got her cast off and had a change of heart. She gave me another chance. So we went on a second date, on which I ended up with a bloody nose thanks to her elbow. At the rocky start, we stuck it out and now we're engaged without your videos. I never would have talked to her and we wouldn't have met.

Since you started our relationship, I feel like there's one piece of advice I need to ask. She doesn't want to take my last name. Oh, there is a question in there. I didn't realize it. She doesn't want to take my last name. Her first name is Kelly and my last name is Kelly. Of course.

You see the person. Do you like to say this on the podcast? I think so because we met them in Austin. I think it would be funny as hell, but she doesn't seem to be very professional. She doesn't think it seems very professional. What do we do? We don't want our poor kids to have an entire name as their last name. Thanks guys.

Love, Justin, Kelly. We met them in Austin? Yeah. Or at least they came up to me as like, I was the couple that said we just got engaged because of you. Wow. Yeah. That's amazing.

So first of all, congrats. Congrats. Fun to be tangentially involved in your origin story. Very much so. Try not to die on your wedding day. You two are so accident prone, it seems. Broke her foot and then she broke his nose. We both broke our necks walking down the aisle.

But at least we don't have the name Kelly Kelly. Of course she can't take your last name. Yeah. Kelly Kelly's a little much. Has that ever happened? That must have happened once, right? Like if you take someone's last name and it's the same as your first. My little brother has a friend named John Johnson.

That's close. Close. You don't, you just don't name your kid that unless you lean into it. Yes. Kelly, I guess you can give yourself like a middle name, like Kelly and Kelly, it would be kind of fun. That's kind of cool, but Kelly Kelly is really tough, especially if your middle name is like Catherine and then your initials are KKK.

Don't do that. Yeah. Definitely don't do that. Didn't we talk about doing something like just starting a new last name? Yeah. New last name together. Maybe Justin. Yeah.

I'm into that shit. Justin Justin. From Justin to Kelly. Yeah. Her name is Kelly Justin. Nice. Justin's daughter. All right.

That's it. We just want to say a shout out to you guys for getting married based on our videos. I wonder what videos they're watching. Maybe one about me and you getting engaged. Oh, that could be. Oh, we did a gay marriage one actually. That's right. Where I say, congrats, we're gay married now.

That's how woke we were from the very get go. Yeah. That we made. We were cool with it back in 2015. I swear to God. All right. Let's answer one last question. Yes.

Oh, this is from a lady. Why don't you give her a name? Sandra Bullywog. I like that. Thank you. Right. I'm a girl that loves to fuck around on Tinder. I have absolutely no problem getting right swipes.

I'm serious. No, dude. Listen to me. I'm trying to say something. Surprise. You don't ever let me talk. Yeah. All you do is get a hug.

Got it. Can I just say one thing? Yeah. Hand. In fact, she writes, I'm surprised when it's a swipe right and it's not a match. So I started playing this game where I set my location to different cities just to see how many people I can match with. When they message me, they usually ask or bring it up why I'm so far away.

I'll tell them shit like I'm visiting that area next week for work, smiley face, and see how close I can get them to agree to meet me in person without even following up with them. Stuff like I'm packing. I'm at the airport. I just checked into my hotel, et cetera. Am I a psycho for this? Should I stop, peace, love, and write swipes?

Sandra, you're a small psycho for this. She's a bad person, I think. Yeah. She's a sociopath. She's getting off to lying to people. Yeah. This is, what is that word? Sociopath.

People call me that sometimes. That's right. So I can relate. This is pure ego boost. I want to see how excited I can get a guy before telling him that I'm just straight up not there. Yeah. This is a lot for me.

I'm packing. This is one of the last questions. The other question too, it's like fucking with ego boost, ego boosting. It is sociopathic because you're wasting other people's time. That guy's wasting gay men's time. She's wasting guys in random cities' time. To make yourself feel good, you just want to see that it's a match. It's a match.

So me feeling nice, me getting that burst of someone thinking I'm attractive is worth wasting other people's time. That's right. Maybe there could be a dating app that's just the animation of it's a match. That way you're not actually fucking with anyone, but it's still giving you that small rush of dopamine. That's so funny and true and a little sad. It's just a dating app with the most attractive people.

You'll never ever, all bots. That's right. And you swipe them right and it says it's a match. Yeah. And they'll even message you a little bit. You're a hot little boy. I really wanted to match with you. You respond, I am at the airport.

I know that the point of this app is that everyone matches, but I legit like you. Those are the type of people that go to Hooters and are like, waitress is like really nice to me actually. I like it. When I go to a strip club, the girls want to dance on my jock. Yeah. When I hire a high powered, expensive escort, I get a throaty ass BJ. And all I had to do was pay her cash.

A lot of it. Right. So I guess the theme of this episode is that people have low self-esteem and they'll do whatever they can take to get that little extra rush. Yeah. Low self-esteem and high standards. Yeah. So how do you get some ego boosts without swiping or without paying for it?

I mean, the question is valid in a way because it's like, what kind of rush can I get when the standard Tinder one doesn't work for me anymore? Or you're in a relationship and you can't use a dating app anymore. Like what gets you off? What strokes your ego? And also, do you need your ego stroke anymore? Do you ever outgrow that? Here's my thing.

Actually, this is what she should do. She should be sliding into more people's DMs on Instagram. I think that'll tickle an itch and you can actually be flirting with people. If you feel like Tinder, you've outgrown Tinder. Yeah. Don't try to step into Tinder in Chicago or something. Right. Like what's the next level?

Yeah. But what about for your life? Once you're in a relationship, once you're married and you have kids, do you still need the ego boost? What kind of person still needs that man or woman and how do they get it? You probably still do. Maybe when you have a kid, you try to groom them to be a really cool or interesting person and that tickles that fancy.

You see yourself in your kid. Oh, like you start taking pride in your offspring. Yeah. So it's like, look at this cute baby. Look at this smart toddler. Look at this accomplished fourth grader. You've got to adjust your point of view a little bit to be like, these are the things that are valuable.

Yeah. Because in theory, evolutionarily speaking, it seems like you should only get your ego stroked until you find a mate. And once you have, it's like, okay, I've gotten somebody. I have somebody who's bought into me. Yeah. Now, well. When you like somebody a lot, then it only starts to matter to you that your ego gets

stroked by them. Yeah. That they like you. That's the only thing that matters. Yeah. The primo ego stroking is by this person that I think is awesome. And then I think when that starts to fade away, your sense of like loyalty and camaraderie and like, that's when like actual love kicks in.

Oh, so everything before that is fake love. I guess it's all just some different version of love. But like falling in love is different than like, you know, enduring and like being in love. Yeah. And then when you're an old person, let's say you're 80 years old. Well, then there's nothing you can do. You can't tinder all you want, but no one's going to fuck you.

That's our show. As we continue this inevitable march towards aging and it doesn't actually last very long in the grand scheme of things. We are all going to die. Ashes to ashes. Artie halfway towards senior citizenship. And what do I have to show? Our life is a flash in the pan and your glory years are even flashier than that.

You just exist within a small, small sliver of time and life's really only good up until you're 40. Now here we go. What's the what's the point? Wow. Thank you so much for spending an hour with us every week. That being said, if you have your own questions or theme song submissions. Oh, you're correct.

Write them into. Remember to buy an eye clever. We zoomed out too far. All right. Let's get back into it. You're a psycho for this. Stop DMing people. Stop sending Tinder messages.

Yes. Right? I would say don't do that. Don't fuck with people. Don't fuck with people. Because they're going to get really excited and then really disappointed. The next level is like talking to somebody that you actually find super attractive. That's going to be way more satisfying than talking to strangers in strange towns telling

them that you're coming to the airport. You little psycho. That's so hot. All right. My favorite theme song was written by Bernie Arson. Closing one is actually written by some guy named, or some lady named Debra Daly who is inspired by Jake's love for his mom. So I made a song about her.

I do love my mom. Wait, this song is about my mom? Yeah. Or it's about your love of your mother. Wow. I love this already. Shout out to her brother Cain's Woods who recently appeared on Colors. I don't know what any of these words mean people, but maybe you can find them.

So thanks to Debra Daly. Thanks to Bernie Arson. Thanks to you guys for coming to our live shows and for listening to our podcast. Once again, we're going to be in New York on April 6th, which is not too long from now. No. So God, it never stops, doesn't it? No, it really does. Until it all does.

And we zoom back out again. See you next week. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

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