If I Were You - 321: Bad German Boy (w/Thomas Middleditch live in Calgary!)

Episode Date: March 26, 2018

Comedian and friend Tommy Mids joins us to discuss Canada, groping, and a mean man named Oskar. Live at MacEwan Hall in Calgary!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, you'll remember these two Jews from their failed true TV pilot, Jake and Amiya! Wow, Calgary! Sit down, sit down! You're too nice! You're too nice!

We got one standing O. My God! We'll call him standing Oliver. And we appreciate you, sir, in the back. To you. Namaste. How the hell aren't you guys? Yeah, so exciting.

Fuck Winnipeg, right? Yeah! This is my shit. This is the fucking cultural capital of Alberta right here. Yeah. Everything can suck my dick. Yes! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! You know what? Fuck Calgary, too! Hey! Wait! Sorry. Save it for Vancouver, man.

Yeah, I read the wrong script. We've been shitting on every other city. I thought you guys just hit a Canada or some shit. I got like, now I know how Hitler did it. It was fucking the rush. Right, right, right, right. I bet he was like, fuck Red Hills. And everyone's like, yeah!

And he's like, fuck Jews. I don't know. Yeah? Yeah! Is that good? All right! Okay! Yeah!

Oh, God. This is our first time ever. Ever in Calgary. That's true. Not the last. Yeah. We got some very... Not the last.

Actually... Actually... That's a pretty exciting, like, tweet. Like, people saying that they were, like, coming from three, four hours away. I don't know. Where'd you... Where'd you drive? Are you just excited for the people that did it?

Edmonton? Dude, you just said fucking Edmonton. I was kidding about fucking... Go Oilers! Boo! Go whatever the Calgary team is! We flew over a city called Medicine Hat. Which I think is what helmets used to be called.

Very good. This is the beginning of a tight 10. Hold on. And Ottawa? We're like, Ottawa-y. Get an immigrant capital. Calgary? We're like, Calgary-y.

Anything can be a question if you ask nicely. Or ask ice-ly. It is cold out here. Oh, God. I'm going to leave. Okay. I'm out. I'm out.

I'm out. Fahrenheit. We don't come to Canada often, so we figured, you know what? If we're going to do these shows, why don't we invite our favorite Canadian friend? That's cool. Do you want to come up alone? Because two people is funny, but three people is that much better. Oh, yeah.

You guys know this funny gentleman from Silicon Valley. Perhaps from Captain Underpants. Or perhaps even from our podcast, Put Your Hands Together for Top of the Man. 100% worth it. It's like a little more subdued because you hurt your leg. 100% worth it. Oh, do I really sell it? Yeah, yeah.

That's a good one, huh? You hurt yourself. Toss me the pig skin. Come on. Throw me the ball. Just pretend. Throw me the ball. Come on.

Throw it. Here. Whoa. You hurt yourself. It's like a dad joke. Well, not a joke. That's what dads do. They blow their ACL.

I can't break a look at it, obviously. No, no, no. If you're a dad, you play catch. You break your ACL. Bust it. Blow it. CFL. Stampede.

Argos. PC Lions. Break up. I'm from Canada. I know what these things are. Yeah. But you're not from around here, are you? No, I've never dreamed of this.

You were so winded. Just from... I would never dream of becoming from Alberta. You couldn't become from... I couldn't become from anywhere. You can't... You can change your name. You can't change where you were born.

You guys got... You, Alberta's got Conor McDavidson's. Who? Is that a restaurant? Conor McTravis. Randy Travis. Who are these people from? They're famous.

Their names are so normal. Randy McTravis? Randy McTravis. He's like one of the big slap shot guys from the blue line. Bingo, bingo, biscuit in the basket. It's a pricykin missile, baby. Don't you get it? It's a fast paced game.

We don't need a glowing putt because we see it here. You got to watch the cross chicken. You got to keep your head on a swivel. If you don't go to the ports, don't do your homework. That's a bad coach. And a worse teacher. But yeah, we are very... You're from British Columbia, right?

Not quite out of Florida. Yeah, from DC, adjacent. Cool. I've been here. I've been here. I've been here as a boy. Did you say you went hitchhiking as a 10-year-old to bam? Yeah, I went hitchhiking as a 10-year-old to bam,

and then I scooted on down, got here at Stampede, got myself a fucking big ol' tin of skull. As a 10-year-old? Yeah, as a 10-year-old. Gave some jokers of stink. I said, you don't belong here. You said that to them?

I scooted on over them, and it took for that big-ass mall. Some of them subs went around in the say, I got submarines in that goddamn mall. And you were 10? And you were addicted to chalk? Yeah, and I kept eating chalk. I'm off chalk now.

Yeah, I know. And, you know, found a couple friends, and I can't really say too much about that. That's how we met. Found a couple friends? Oh, hitchhiking as 10-year-olds, or what? That was me. That picked you up there.

Congratulations, brother. Thanks, dude. Who here has heard our podcast before? Wow. Thank God. Thank God. So you guys know the score you guys get, and it's an advice show.

We answer questions from people who are confused, scared. They've lost their way. They're in a sticky situation. They're seeking our guidance, our wisdom. Sometimes it's just me and Jake. Sometimes our best friends in the world join us. One of the best friends in the world. I actually was...

I was voted. I was voted. No joke. Much music, George Strahm Alamalas. In the 90s, I was voted one of the best friends in the world. To who? To who? To who?

That one could have. That one could have. So that means you... I enter a contest. We have this thing called YTV Youth Television. It's a direct conduit to the youth of today. We're talking about issues. Do you even realize...

What issues are you talking about? You're in a best friend contest. Do you even realize... We're shit... We had Johnna Vision. What? We had... We had...

Oh, you're shitting. We had a show... You're shitting. You're absolutely shitting right now. This is insane. Why are you collapsing? Oh my god. No.

Why does it hurt? We had a show designed for kids and teens called Streetsense that was about... Imagine. Imagine. You can't even imagine this. What's your beat? That's my boy right there. It's a show for teens.

Typically, it's like consumer awareness. Like figure out where this came from. What are you about to cry right now? It's like... It's like... You don't even... You don't even have that. I still don't get if you're happier pissed.

I just want to illustrate... Who are you looking at? I want to illustrate some of the differences. Okay. Alright. YTV, CBC. Sure. Alanis.

Tragically called hips. Naked ladies. The bare naked ladies? They're different. Chinese chicken. Now we have... We have... You guys don't have that.

We did have... One week was one of the biggest... No, Alanis is sick, man. I don't want to slam. You don't have that. What? You don't have that. They have it.

They made me a little young. They have it. They have it. They have it. So you don't... You don't get it. I... That's why we brought it here.

We brought it here. We wanted it to connect. Yeah, translate from American to Canadian. What necessary? You guys want to sit down and answer some questions? Yeah, let's start the show. Oh, the lights go on. I like that.

Nice. That's nice. Yeah, yesterday was blue too. You don't like the blue? No, I'm just saying. It's like a theme. Yeah. Okay.

Blue is the color of depression and sadness. Let's start the comedy show. It's Hulu Depression. Good on you. Let's not stigmatize that shit. Jake, what are you drinking? At the moment, nothing. What's that bottle?

This is a bottle of... Kentucky's finest bourbon here. I don't know if that's Kentucky's finest bourbon. Kentucky's cheapest bourbon here. Find those little board. No, I still have some left. Thank you. So as you guys probably know,

I'm holding in my hand real questions from real people. All we need are fake names to preserve their anonymity. So you guys maybe know that someone named Crandis has been to every live show ever. The first person to say their name. That said, I think you said Jaundice. It's what Crandis is afflicted with. That'd be a bummer.

What do you want to call him? I don't know. Jaundice. That's the baby's name. You name the baby whatever the baby has. Can I get a last name, sir, for Jaundice? Jaundice Murrogan? What?

That is perfect. Jaundice Murrogan. Very. Is Murrogan your last name? Yeah. Oh. Oh, that sounded soul made up. Murrogan.

What is your background? It's named after Joe Rogan. But it's like a fake word from Joe Rogan. Yeah, Murrogan. What's that from? Country-wise. That's impossible. Well, it's not impossible, but I doubt it.

He's gone dead. Yeah, Murrogan. I killed him. Joe, fuck with me. I'll ask you the wrong question, dude. I'll ask you questions your brain can't even fucking think of, man. Where is my last name from? Brain's on the floor.

Shit, I shouldn't have said so. What was that phrase that you came out to, the song? Oh, disrespect your surroundings. Yeah. Every time someone dies, that's what song plays in this. Yeah, because they have to. They're respected, they're surrounded by their death. All right.

It's not something you consider. John just Murrogan writes, I'm in a very strange situation. Two weeks ago, while I was having dinner with my girlfriend, she told me that her male gay friend will often grab her boob or spank her butt. She assured me that it was not sexual and that she was completely comfortable with the situation.

I immediately told her that I did not want any guys, gay or straight, to be touching her boobs or butt and that situation made me uncomfortable. She freaked out. She called me an asshole and accused me of being a homophobe, which is completely false. Since the argument, we have been very distant

and I fear that this could have ultimately led to our breakup. If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Love, jaundice. Murrogan. Let's go over jaundice. Is it more fine if it's a gay touching your woman's boob or butt? I feel like that was a terrible sentence. Maybe it was just...

Let's say you're the local gay. I don't want to participate. Yeah, the town gay. Everyone has one. Medicine has two. Every town's got them. Kids today. Every town's got a gay.

I got to... First off, if this discussion, if this particular discussion ends your relationship, I don't know how solid that was. Thin ice. Thin ice. I think they're both being kind of dickheads, though. Don't you think?

Yeah. I feel like you just have to take the gay thing out of it, because we shouldn't even be thinking in terms of if he's gay or straight, right? Just like a person touching... I don't even see gender, dude. I don't even see gender. I think you could be... You're a kindle to me.

So if you don't see gender, there is... No, you're a kindle with long lashes and a sick SP. Thanks, man. Except for his actual penis, and he is a physically a man. So it doesn't work. So you do see gender. But if you took the gay part out of it, if it was just a person, anybody,

male, female, gay, straight, anything, and they were feeling your girlfriend up and smacking her on the butt, is that like, it's not illegal? Well, it is not illegal. How am I being thrown in jail for this? All I did was touch her butt. It's not illegal, but...

Boobs. But boobs. It's... The buddy could get P.O.ed about it, but, you know, it's the lady's body, yo. And if she wants to get a little kick... Like, she also needs to... Let me have the counterpoint about it

being the lady's body, actually. You finish, and then I have a fucking diatribe. You're going to love it. I can already tell my man's pissed. Look, I got married for one reason, one reason long. To own property. But, until that point, because it doesn't sound like they're married,

until that point, although she's kind of being a jerk for, like, this guy's like, that makes me feel uncomfortable, and she's like, fuck you, her response is like, suck a dick, dude, I'm getting groped. So that's kind of a sensitive thing to say.

So they're both being jerks, kind of. Yeah, I think the rule is, you can be mad at anything. That's fine, that's your prerogative. Wow, that's awesome. Yeah, like, I will. What are you going to be mad at right now? Not enough exits in this place.

I see two, three, I see... I think there should be 40. So, a room of doors? That should be sound like... You want the show to be outside? Hell. Yeah, that would be nice. You can always be mad,

but you're not allowed to expect anything to come of it. That's true. So you definitely can't expect other people to share your... Would you say whose concern is founded, unfounded, or gay? Keep in mind, only one answer is incredibly insensitive. I should have studied for this test. Damn it, why didn't I read chapters two through six? It's the same bad teacher from earlier.

Pop quiz, hot shots! Would you say his fear or his anger or his anxiety is normal or abnormal? I see him as a straight man being like, what the heck, why is it okay, he's still a guy, but I get where he's coming from. I slap Amir's butt all the time, and I'll just playfully, and I'll fondle his tits a little bit, just because we're bros, and sometimes I will 69.

But as a joke, dude, as a joke... It's funny, dude, I'm literally laughing as I do it. I'm cracking up on that dick. I'm giggling and gabbling. I think you could definitely, there's like more information to come from like what kind of slapping and fondling is it? Well here, if I could ask that guy a question, it would be, would you be equally mad if a woman was fondling the boobs

and talked to the butt? Or what would it be, just like, hey, actually, we could either stop the gay guy touching your girlfriend, or we could get a lesbian that will like grab your dick every once in a while. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, status quo, quick, quote, quote, quote. Cratch my crack, and I cratch yours. Huh?

Because the thing is, he may, he may have a little... He may have a little... A little polyamorous. I can't... Ooh, you're sweating. He may have a little situation on his hands. He's gotta just flip the coin and see that it's come up tails, maybe he's going to the bank.

I'm talking... I'm talking Bank of Montreal. I'm talking... No fees debit card. Tom isn't here to sell you some things. Because my point being, it's like, okay, what about a lady grabbing and touching? Is that okay?

Is that threatening? And what if I want to walk around and get people to grab my dunger and my tush and squeeze my nips? Because she's cool that... And then there's maybe, now we're playing with fire. It almost doesn't matter what the other person is deriving pleasure from it,

matters if she's deriving pleasure from it. In the end, don't you want your significant other to just be happy? Yeah, it seems like it's not a good fit. Not that I don't... You don't? This guy's like, boo. I want her to feel trapped and insecure at all times. As long as I'm happy and she's mine.

But she better say, my dick is huge. As long as 50% of the people in a relationship are happy, that's a win. It's true. Statistically speaking. Take a look at me. I'm miserable. A push is a win.

That's what you're saying. A bush is a win. Go on. I think I finally won't. Kick all I can. A bush is a win. That was good. Are you talking about Gavin Rosdale's band, Bush?

Yes, I am. And I think they're a win. Are you with that? The specific question was, if you were in my shoes, what would you do? Oh, kill myself. Go on. Yeah, break up or they'll find someone way more traditional.

What would you do? You have a lady. Push her. Push her violently. Physically, physically push her violently, preferably at the top of the stairs. I don't know. I don't know.

Drive a car. Jump out. Say your turn. If you don't know. I don't know. I don't know. If you don't know, just think about it off mic. I think you're accidentally saying a lot of crazy shit.

Just think about it. Thoughts racing through your hair. Shave her hair when she's sleeping. What? Burn the hair. Burn the hair to burn the house down. You just don't have to be on forensic files later on. You don't have to say every fleeting thought that comes through

and you're very twisted, violent. You gotta get out. Commit murder. Let's see. I think if maybe, if he's feeling like she can't see her point, so you just put the other person in their shoes and if she's like, I'm actually cool with that, then try it out, man.

Who cares? I bet that kid's, I bet he's 20. That's awesome. He's actually nine. Nine? Pretty bolder, huh? Dude. Shit's gonna get crazy when you're 10, man.

Now I like the idea of like, I'm not your old gay guy. Like, trust me, it's fine. Like they're having red wine. Overplay blocks, bitch. Yeah, yeah. Oh, relax, Tyler. I'm gay. Come on, come on, come on.

None of us know we're gay or straight. Man, we're fucking nine. That's good stuff. But that is a personal barrier thing. It is weird. I mean, that's the thing. I think the most you can do is voice your displeasure. You're saying I'm uncomfortable.

And then you take, if she doesn't do anything about it, then she doesn't have to do anything about it. Someone doesn't want to hear you, man. What can you do? Scream ladder? You can break up. Did you say sue even louder? I said scream ladder, but yes.

Sue, for sure. You can always bring a lawsuit. Yeah. Lawyer up. Yes. If not, you have a case. You can always threaten it. You can threaten litigation.

And like, you can always pull out if they're gonna take you to court. You think that gay man fondling you isn't a big idea? Well, here's a fucking serious. Yes. Here. You've been served. You've been served. All right.

Let's get a... I feel like we really handled that with a lot of delicacy. Gravitas, I would say. Yeah. I would... We should have started this by saying we are fully qualified. And our word is gospel. Amen.

Anybody have a lady's name? Scarlet Penis Johansson. What? Beaver. Oh, I heard a beaver. Scarlet Penis Johansson? Is that from a movie? Are you talking about Scar Joe?

Hello, a smear. I should have rubbed some air. You know, I just got cast in a regional play. Here in Calvary? Here. I've been here only but a moment, and I've been cast in a loosely based adaptation. Of what? Of John A. McDonald's rise to fame and power.

Have you ever heard of him? No. A smear? I have. Oh, come on. This can't grind your tears. It kills me every second of every day. Because when it comes to McDonald's, I'm loving him.

Insane. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. She let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app.

Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames-A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area.

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If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. You know, guys, when you go down there, no one knows... Very few people, unless you're from like a northern state, no one knows what ANW is. And no one knows what a GT Snow Racer is. I'm fucking serious.

That is absolutely... No one knows what the Brett Hull Special Edition is doing. It's not even on your chair anymore. How is this happening? It's fucked up. What is going on? We're acting like we captured you

and this is your watchdog. I'm getting freed. What do you want them to do? I know what an ANW don't do is. We got to help them. You can leave. We're beefing. We're beefing.

What's the meaning? It's from a video you weren't in. Not interested. Honey. What was the lady's name? Scarlett Penis Johansson. The third or something. Let's go to that.

Hi, dudes. I have a problem that's kind of different. Maybe you can help me out with it. I get nosebleeds all the time. That's right. It's about time. Every day, it sucks. I've been to several doctors who all say

that there's nothing surgical or therapeutic they can do. That's funny to you? Surgery? There's nothing surgical they can do to my arteries or veins in my nose and hopefully I'll grow out of it. But in the meantime, I just have to deal. My problem is that it's so embarrassing.

I'm in college and I've had to run out of class because my nose just starts gushing. One time I was making out with a guy and I bled all over his face. And... Luckily, he wasn't that grossed out but I'm so afraid that it can happen again and another guy won't be so forgiving.

How can I deal with this embarrassment problem and not become some weird nosebleed girl? I mean, there's no way I could make bloody noses a cool thing, right? Or, yes you can. I already have an idea. Also, do you think most guys would be super freaked out by a nosebleed in the middle of a hookup

or do you think they'd understand? Another podcast, Love, Scarlet, Penis, Joe Hansen, anal. I got one initial. It's real quick. One initial suggestion. Off the dome. When she feels one coming on, when she's like, oh fuck, here it comes, gushers. Just say to the guy,

hey, do you like that one scene in the movie Blade? And then, like, blow out of your nose. And he's like, I don't know if I've seen it. Turn on some trance music. Disrespect your surroundings. Yeah, that'd be great. Or she can handle it like it's a zombie movie, like she can sneeze and then it's blood.

And then she looks at the guy and she's like, get out of here. Run! Run! Two weeks. You used to get nosebleeds, you tell me. Yeah, I did, actually. What's the deal there? What's the science? How did you make them hot?

Well, whenever I got them, I just let the blood run down my neck and chest. Cool, cool. You would embrace it. You wouldn't even stop it. Yeah, I took my pants down and I let the blood run down the shape of my arm. Head back, right? Yeah, head back.

River down. And then I did some... I performed some ancient chants. That shook my chicken bones. Yeah, that's what you gotta do. Like, when you start making out with somebody and then you start bleeding and they pull off and they see that you have blood running down your face,

if you just start going... Oh, my God! Galima! Galima! You do a haka? Just do a haka. Right. Any time you nosebleed, do the haka.

Hey, do the haka. What are you gonna do? Do the haka. Yeah, I know. Or you're a demon. Do the haka. I think it's a tough one. If you're hooking up with a guy with a sense of humor, you can make it a joke and then it's funny.

But if not, you are extremely strange. In that situation. If you're like, you do something strange that might normally be funny and the guy's like, what is happening? Why are you doing a routine right now? Are you okay? I think if you're a guy who has nosebleeds,

it's more damning. Because when a girl has a nosebleed and a guy's hooking up with her, for guys hooking up is so exciting, they're willing to put up with a lot more. I can imagine a girl leaving if I had a nosebleed, but if there's no nosebleed a girl can have, they'll have me leaving.

Hot make-out sesh. You still have a price to pay. I'll fucking slurp it. She could be reading it. She could be bleeding from any fucking horary. You've had sex with girls in the middle of a stroke. Absolutely. As long as you can verbalize it.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Abort, man. Abort. Push harder. Please don't. Through the wall. I'll give a woman a CPR if it means that her nose will stop bleeding. That means they'll wake up and blow me.

That was actually really fucked up. What the hell? That's not fair. You can't. That's not cool. What I said was a goof. That's so fucked up. You put me on your shoulders. Thomas gave me the basketball and then I dunked it and everybody was like,

At the wrong end of the court. I was like, it's there. It's halftime. But trust me, shoot there, shoot there. And you did and we're like, fuck you. That was a trap. That was gotcha podcasting. Gotcha podcasting. Would you ever kiss a girl during a nose bleed?

She's got one and then I'm in. Oh, good. I don't know. I would sort of wait until it's done. But I wouldn't be like, you bled. Out of your nose. Get out of here. You're fired. Yeah, that's the president.

That's the president. Oh, guy. Oh, you guys don't like him here? In America, we also hate him. Yeah, I think if somebody, if someone started like nose bleeding, like we had so many questions in our podcast that are like, oh, my dick doesn't work.

It won't get hard or oh, my dick got too hard and then I came really early. So like if somebody's, if hers nose is bleeding, I'm like, good, now anything can happen. Yeah. Take the pressure off. She's like, oh, my nose is bleeding great because I just, in my pants,

when we're making out and now I can't get hard. So you deal with that. I'll deal with this. Let's reset. See you in 10 minutes. That's great. That is a good one. Yeah. Thank you Namaste.

It gives the other person, and it gives the other person permission because they're a terrible thing. It's a permission structure. So few people are left unscathed in genetics wild game of fuck-upery. Yeah, you got some good stuff going on and then you got some bad stuff going on.

Yeah, I mean, my penis is too big and like... So that's a good thing. My penis is huge and it always takes me the perfect amount of time to come. I can count down. 3, 2, 1, you're satisfied. Oh, yeah.

Oh, Dice Man. The Dice Man. Is he Canadian? Yeah, Andrew Dice Place, 100% Canadian. Don't put that on for a minute. Man, we got him. We want him. He's fine.

Um... Yeah, did we get it? I feel like there's one little last little corner we got up. Stop picking your nose. That's a problem, probably. I picked my nose and I never had a nose. Yeah.

I pride foul, yeah. How deep do you go? My eyes are coming out with a little bit of brain, brother. I'll go so far on my nose. I'm boogie-boogie frontal cortex. My legs, like, spasms. Yeah, so... I'm controlling shit.

Yeah. I see you go knuckle here out the ears. Yeah. That's the start of my little nursery rhyme that I do. Knuckle here out the ear. Tickle your little brain. And then the next day's a... Out the mouth and the eye.

Up, the down, the drain. Sorry, was up, the down, the drain? Up, the down, the drain. Check's out anymore to the nursery? Put a booger in your face and you'll find your day. So sorry, you didn't... Day was a slant rhyme.

I'm setting up the final... Are you gonna throw that one to me? Well, you don't have to. Put the booger in your face and then you'll find your day. My day? Get your hands off my girl. I don't care if you're gay. Who do you think you are?

That's that improv shit. Next call. Theater sports, comedy sports, noise, noise, corn porn. Was the last one? Corn spores. Um, yeah. I feel like, don't worry. If anyone would be like,

if she bled out of her nose and everyone would be like, fuck you, I'm out of here, fuck that guy. Yeah. And I think it's disgusting. Let's go to the next question. We're not at the same coin. We're not even at the middle. Just relax for a second.

Let's build that trust, you know? Somebody in the back raise your hand. Somebody in the back. I only saw a third row. I actually, I got a silhouette of a hand. Oh, you got a silhouette of a hand stand up? Yeah, please stand up. No, you had it raised.

Can you see the silhouette? I like it was a woman's hand. No, that way. Oh, yeah. The aisle, that person? Yeah, stand up. All right, now you have to leave. Sorry, we always ask one person

from the show to go home. You're the designated survivor in case somebody blows this haul up. God willing. Those are the rules, those are the rules. Do you have a guy's name? Gord. Like my father?

I like him good. My dad is a pumpkin. Your dad is a blumpkin? Yeah. That's how Jake was born. I had a pumpkin patch. Oh, I think he's a blumpkin. My dad wishes he could get a blumpkin.

My mother is way too much of a saint. My dad is a full on troll. He's a squash. He's a squash. He's a zucchini man. He's a lima bean. He's a kidney bean. Frankly, he's a walnut. That's what he is.

I wouldn't even do him the honor of being a bean. He's an edamame, my father. You get it. Yay. Jake's building an awesome salad with all the things his dad is. That's not a kid. Nasty, dude.

All beans and nuts in the salad. And then you, right here in the camo sweatshirt. What's Gord's last name? You got it. You got it. Chipmunk. Chipmunk it is. No, that wasn't yours. I want something from your imagination.

Everybody turn it around. You're turning to your right. You got this, dude. You can do this. You know what? It's going to be awesome. I want you to stand up and say it because it's the best name ever. Say it into the mic to your mouth.

Say it all mouth. You can't fuck this up because it's going to be great. Rub-a-lub-dub-dub. You have to go. Rub-a-lub-dub-dub-dub. Gord? Rub-a-lub-dub-dub-dub. I actually like it.

It works. Because it's like someone's like, hey man, what's your name? And the guy's like, Gord. What's your full name, sir? Gordon Rub-a-dub-dub-dub. If you must know. No.

Gordon Herschel Rub-a-dub-dub-dub. Alright, don't tell me any more of your name, actually, that's fine. Gordon Herschel. McRachels. Rub-a-lub-dub-dub-dub. For the second. Junior.

Esquire, I'm a lawyer. Congratulations. Wow. Smart guy. You overcame so much. Yeah, I know. Plus, no legs. Check me out. Check me out. Anyway, can I get a turkey sandwich?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy writes, I have a friend named Marcus who's a bit of an extra sometimes. That's right. And makes really bad but extravagant jokes. For the past few months, he's been getting into the habit of fisting his friends.

God. That is not an elaborate joke. That's hilarious. That's always... That's right. Walking up behind one of us and punching our anuses with full steam ahead. Guard!

Oh, my God. I swear to God, obviously, there is no penetration, but that's still really annoying. This one time, he missed and hit my nuts. How is that fair? How is that legal?

I put him in a chokehold once, and we got a goddamn hero or some shit, and we got into a scuffle. This will make me turn physically violent, and when I ask him to stop, he straight up doesn't. Some of my other friends have nervous twitches now and cover their assholes.

Oh, my God. When there's PTAs... PTAs... Uh, anyone's hand around their butt. It's really agony. And very recently, he said he's going to start force fingering with penetration.

This guy's so... Should we have some kind of intervention? Love Gord. Oh, my God. Get over Gord. It's very... Oh, my God. It's courageous. What?

What a terrible, terrible insight into, like, male adolescence. Sorry, but we get a lot of questions like this. We get... We do a lot of questions about the force fisting. It's... It's silly. It's just boys being boys. Let's go on to the next one.

Oh, it's locker room fisting. It's locker room fisting. We all get punched in the butt flap sometimes. You know, it's so funny because that is just like... What do you think he's punching when he does that? It's like, if you're walking, the butt hole faces down almost,

unless he's doing an uppercut. You're taking the friend's side right now. Or he's going boom to the fucking tailbone. The thing is, I feel like... I feel like most guys in the room know that guy. Yeah. It's the same guy. It's like, that's how common it is in, like,

male groups. It wouldn't be funny if I punched you in the asshole so fucking hard and I won't stop even when you tell me don't do it. If you tell me not to, you're a pussy. Yeah, yeah, and I will fight you. And then you'll get punched even harder. I will fight you over the right for me

to punch you in your butt hole. Dude! Dude! Dude! Dude! It's like the same guy that, like, doesn't let you sit shotgun after you call it. You're not going to fight the guy because he really wants to do it, or he won't give you the remote because he's just being a dickling

a little bit. And again, you can't fight this guy because then it creates an even bigger situation. So you kind of have to ignore it, but then he gets off to the ignoring it, so he's punching you even harder. I think that guy's got a nickname. He's, like, Dongler or something like that. There's, like, I'm

Gord, it's Ben, it's Josh, it's Mitch, and the fucking Squizzler over there. No! Squizzler! Hey, Squizzler, chill out. Yeah! I was fucking punching my friends in the ass and wearing them as a puppet.

Yeah, but don't do that, man. That's my shit. I'm a ventriloquist. Yeah, we're here with our... Yeah, but Squizzler, we're here with our wives, man. Chill. This is also a general Squizzler. Yeah, this is a general. It's open cask, it's Squizzler, so we're all expecting it. I'm gonna punch it out like in corpse in the ass.

I knew you would do it. Squizzler, just, it's one word. Chill. Dude, chill. Uh-oh. You always tell us when you're super drunk how alone you are. Squizzler hates the word chill. I'm a force figure in the corpse. Yeah. Remember all those times? Remember, like, how once a month

you were always crying about how, like, sad you are? Hey, man, don't bring that shit up right now. Yeah, it's because you keep fisting, guys, and you don't want it to happen. And that's the only way you can, like, express yourself. It's almost really sad. Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, man. You're a bitch, it's funny.

How's your relationship with your dad, Squizzler? Ah, whatever, man. That's good, that's good. Yeah, because you had said two months ago, you reached out via email and you said you didn't know if you were gonna reply or not. Knock it off for a punch with the eighties, man. Are you okay, Squizzler?

No, I'm a fucking over-grabbed your dick off. I'm gonna hug you, man. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. I'm looking to scrape your dick if you want to... Squizzler, I love you. It's not your fault.

I fucking love you, dude. Fuckin' love you, dude. I fuck you, I fuck you. And that's when you punch him in the ass. The one good thing you can do, you've got to do is Squizzler and no one will be sad for him. Wait, you can what? Like, if he goes to punch you once,

you, like, take his arm, and then, like, all your friends break his wrist. And literally, no one would care. Like, squizz the whole time. The American history ex him. Yeah, and he can't explain it to people because he'd be like, have a cast, and they're like, what happened?

I punch people in the fucking ass with it. He has to, like, get into the story. Well, my thing is... Yeah, I have a fucking splint because I keep punching my dumb-ass friends in the ass, and they broke my fucking arm. And they don't know that I have fucking ambidextrous with that shit.

Yeah. My painting career. Why not go ahead and... I don't know why I went there. That is actually kind of a delay of a pickle because if you have a squizzler in the group, if you have a squizzler, and you want to tell a squizzler, like,

we love your energy. We love what you bring to the table. So funny. Friday nights are a riot with you. We love Shabbat with squizzler. Yeah. My cousin's for Mitzvah. You made it.

You're the man, squizzler. You're literally the man. But... Mitch. Tyler. Chad. Kyle and myself. Gord.

Tyler. Tyler. Tyler. Are they, like, flat brimmed fox hair and stuff? So we're dudes, like, Kryler, Krogan, Brody, Skyler, Craven, Hayden, Bladen. I was Bladen by the way. Bladen.

I was Bladen. We actually, we don't want this anymore. That would actually, that would, if you sat, if all the crew sat him down and sat that, he would probably be really sad. Right, like, a true intervention. He mentioned it in the, in the email. It's like, should we have an intervention?

What, I, well, I only have one follow-up question. It's like, do the other friends think this? And if the other... They love it. If the other, well, if the other friends love it, Gord's been a bitch. I knew it. But...

The intervention turns on him. So we were talking about it. What? What? Why the move? Cato 9 Fisks. Boop, boop, boop. Reverse Ferris wheel his anus.

What? What? A reverse Ferris wheel is when you put everyone's arms together and you go from down to up, across the anus. Down, up, down to up. You don't know this one, Jake? So... I thought you liked porn.

No, no, no, no. Internet 101, dude. I fucking love reverse Ferris wheeling anuses. Yeah, man. So much it. You know. Cause I just made it up. Me too.

Peace. I am not a pro. Wow. Jake, why'd you go away? That was Nixon. That was one of the good presidents now. Wow. Dude, all we're trying to do is make it great again.

So how do... I guess if the podcast is a fire you, how do you deal with squizzlers in your life? I would say if the general consensus of the crew is like, that's... We don't like it. I think it's totally cool next time you all together to be like, stop, man. And don't joke around. Just like, don't do it with a smile. Don't laugh.

Yeah, that's going to be the hardest part. Cause then he's like, it's working, it's working. You actually have to stop punching us. You have to be like, it was funny. We like you. Don't punch us in the butthole anymore. Find a new thing. And it could be that he punches you in the dick.

And you're going to have to deal with that for a bit. Do you ever have nut shots at your school? Do they have that in Canada? Oh yeah, nut shots. Nut shot. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was me. We had hip check.

What's that? What's hip check? It's all like a Persian hockey player of sorts. Yeah, yeah. A little bit of hip check. But yeah. God, you got to let a bit run its course. I want to know how long it's been.

If it's been months or like years. I'm more like, this is like lead pipes at the back of the head, dumps, squizzler in a lake type situation. Nobody lets the guy that squizzler grows up to be. Like we know now that he's a bad person, right? No. I'm sorry. I don't want to incite murder every show, but this one's fine.

I think squizzlers are the most sad guys of the whole crew. So once they outgrow it, they're like, oh man. Got a squizzler. We got to go. Thank you so much. Take him out. Take him out. That was fun.

That was fun. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Shooter, active shooter. That's so ideal. We're safe here. We're safe here. We're now we're back in America all of a sudden. Ah.

Ah. It's been our pain while. I would try to ignore it. That's how I would deal with it. I feel like you don't ignore a punch to the fucking cold. I feel like he has been ignoring it. It's literally at the point where he wanted to fight him. Yeah.

This is really perfect because we have three different opinions. You say talk to him. I say murder him. And you say don't do anything. Yeah. Let's get the want to do fucking audience opinion. Oh, that's cool. A poll.

So text Jake what you think. A, B, C. He's at 204-1, 5, 9, 8, 5, 82. Did you really say the all four? Huh. You gave the area code? They don't know the country code. This they do.

It's plus one. I wouldn't have given that away. All right. Let's do round of applause. All right. Yeah. That works too. Who's with murder?

Yeah. I want some murder, man. We don't actually have to do it. A shocking amount. A shocking amount of you are down with killing someone. Which I think feels fun now, but after when you see a dead body, you're like, I regret. What do you guys do with this? When you guys find me after the show and I'm just sobering up, like drinking a couple

of waters, and I'm like, here's how we're going to go in. And everyone's hurting you. And I'm going to need you to do it. Yeah. You'll get desensitized. Grab a shovel. All right. Try to remember what that sounded like, though.

Okay. Yeah. And then how many people would ignore the fister? Yeah. Definitely. You're the best. The most passionate don't do anything and no one else. More people would kill this guy.

Yeah. More people would want to kill him and ignore him. Calgary, baby. Stampy. And then what was the last one? Have a conversation. Have an intervention. There you go.

Have a heart. Have a heart. Have a heart. Thomas wins, but murder was a close fucking second. No. All right. Let's get a round of applause. We're going to our break.

Thanks. Game boy. Game boy or game boy? Both. Game boy is a podcast character that Jake does. He's an androgynous robot that likes playing one game and that's searching for words in our Gmail inbox. And when you just say game boy, he appears out.

Who does it? Is it two of us? Yeah. He appears out. Who does it? Is it too embarrassing to do in front of Thomas? I look up to Thomas and I want to think I'm funny. And if I do a fucking game boy, then I think everything.

I'm Lorne Michaels. Give me your three characters, three impressions. Okay. Mr. Michaels, first of all, thank you for the opportunity. This is really awesome. Time's ticking, man. Okay, yeah. So I do this one thing, which is a guy who's obsessed with games.

When he hears the word games, he sort of has an orgasm. So could you be the leader? Yeah. Let's play a game. Oh. All right. All right. That is it.

Oh, you're interested. That's one. Really? Two more characters, three more impressions. Okay. I do a search dude character, which is like a guy that has a friend named Serge and he's grown up and he wants to do sort of mundane childish things. Okay.

Okay. Fuck. He's a search man. Let's play Twister, dude. Very funny. Very funny. Oh, you like that. One more character.

And then keep in mind you've got three impressions. Okay. Hard one, Sherpwood. Yeah. I have like a... Wow. They're into it. I play like a guy that was raised by Dwarves.

From a Dwarvenage, right? Yeah. He's a human dude that was left at the foot of the Iron Deep Mountain raised in the Dwarvenage and he's just, he's a fucking guy and he has an axe. Okay. What does he sound like? What does he sound like? Give me a line of very long.

Give me a horn of your finest ale. Okay. A horn of the... A horn. A horn. One horn of ale. Do you still want to hear the impressions or have you heard enough? Yeah.

Let's give one impression and we'll see how it goes. What impression? Impression. Impression. I'm sorry. It's a human driver. It's a human driver. An impression.

An impression. Guys, an impression is of an existing person. You can do a good Mark Wahlberg. Oh. Yeah, Mark Wahlberg. Just so you know it's been done on the show, but go ahead. I don't know if I can do as good of a one as Andy Samper can do. You can try.

I'm the one fighting here. Not you. Not you. Not you. Is that good? Stay. Stay. Stay.

Stay. What about the bees, you guys? What about the bees? What about the bees, guys? From the shitty movies. Yeah, yeah. From The Happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if you can do Anthony Kitas. Let's do Anthony Kitas. Kermit the Frog singing a Red Hot Chili Pepper song. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can't fight the spear with pepper deep boo. Yeah, so that's. That is excellent. Do we have the job?

Yes, you both are on SNL. What an honor. Should we answer any more questions or we think we got it? Oh, Lonely and Orny too. We shot it. We shot it and we edited it and we hope it's going to come out soon. Yeah, it's happening. All right, let's get a round of applause.

We're back from break. We got a good question from a German man. Do you do a good German accent? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got that in you, right? What? Do you have a German man? Do you want him to be like happy?

I don't even know. You mean like a really positive guy? Yeah, he's kind of a bad guy, but I think that's funny. He's positive about people. Yeah, like he's like, this is a fun night. We should all go out. I feel like we got a really good energy. Like after the show, like let's party.

That's perfect. What's this guy's name? His name is like, his name. Oscar's pretty good. Yeah, I'll take Oscar and then like, like, nice slicer. So my name's Oscar with a K, sorry. Oscar's nice slicer. Okay.

Oh, it really starts off. Hey guys, I'm German. Okay. I'm a 24 year old guy and to cut right to the cheese. Just a little German joke. To cut right to the cheese. I am in a secret relationship with a girlfriend of a not so secret friend of mine. The friend is not secret.

Now we love each other secretly for a year and they are still, and they are still officially together. We haven't had sex involving actual penetration, but she jerks me off regularly and I finger her when she wants it. I am 100% satisfied that he was positive guy. I just don't want a first real sex to be overshadowed by guilt. I don't really mind her being still together with my friend. My situation is pretty comfortable.

I don't have any obligation so everything nice I do to her comes from love alone and I'm very confident that she will leave him since they are constantly fighting and I haven't seen, and I haven't even seen them kiss each other in months. Maybe he will even leave her. Maybe. One can come. Everything bad that happens in their relationship makes me look better in comparison

and I don't want to pressure her. Since time runs, in my favor. More German. Everything's about time. Plotting German. Because fucking, a wily hung. Okay. Maybe he will even leave her.

Everything bad that happens in their relationships makes me look better in comparison and I don't want to pressure her since time runs in my favor, I already said that. In the worst case scenario, I can still confess the affair to him myself and there will be no recovery for their relationship. Looks like, looks like I am holding all the cards. And then an asterisk. McLean. And then an asterisk.

Kanye sound. That's the J-Con. German ass. Oh, I see. I plan on waiting even after they split for a decent amount of time before we will officially become a pair. So he might be cool with that at that point. I know I'm a bad boy, but bad boy...

I'm dying. This is an incredible character. I know I'm a bad boy, but bad boys want all the toys, so don't be a boy. All right. I left the moral course of action, but the girl would be worth the effort since I love her more than any girl before. She is a smoking dime. A dame to die for.

I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. A dame to die for. I'm down to settle down with.

He's really getting his Americanisms going. If I could be with him forever, but could never see another girl again, I would sign that contract with my blood. So, what do you think of my situation? If life is a game and I play to win, is this patient manipulation the right way to go? If the wrong road leads to the right destination, was it ever wrong to begin with?

Signed yours Oscar with a K. Sorry. It's nicer, Schleser. Jesus Christ. If the wrong road leads to the right destination, was it ever wrong to begin with? That was Hitler saying during the Holocaust. He's a great guy.

I almost want to interview him through you, almost like to get to an answer. Sure, if you want to. I just sort of think that like... You're so sure, but also a little insecure at the same time. Well, you know, I like you guys and I want your advice. But, you know, I just want you to know that I love her. So much.

Well, how do you feel about your friend? He's a nice guy. I mean, I've known him for a long time. Yeah, you don't have any qualms about fucking the girlfriend? Yeah, but really, are you a good guy if you treat such a hot baby with so much disrespect? Why do you think she hasn't left him yet, the boyfriend? Maybe she does love him.

Oh my God. I hope that that's not true. It's been a year. Yeah, but in our private moments when I'm reaming her as hard as I can. With my fingers. When she wants it. Yeah, she's telling me how much she likes being fingered. And not to mention how much she likes jerking me off.

But don't worry, we play it safe. No actual penetration. Would you say you're a bad boy? Oh, I'm one of the baddest boys. I have a 175cc scooter. With an aftermarket exhaust pipe on it. Is your friend fucking her? Yeah, well, I don't know, that's the thing.

You know, they fight all the time. You've never seen them kiss in 10 months? I haven't seen it so, but maybe, you know, here in Germany it's pretty common to fuck without kissing. I always prefer it. Yeah, it's really hard to tell. What's unrelated to this situation? What's your day in Germany?

We want to get to know Oscar. Okay, sure. I would absolutely love to tell you. When do you wake up? I wake up about 5am. Why so early? Because the day is amazing. The day is amazing, but when you see the day arriving, that's even better.

So you wake up before the sun. You like to watch the sunset. Yeah, I rise. What comes up? What do you do for breakfast? For breakfast, I eat one link of sausage and then I drink one glass of milk. You see this?

You have one sausage and one glass of milk. But then I go to my local coffee shop and I drink 12 pints of coffee. So much. And then I get behind the counter and show those young guys a thing or two about teamwork there. But I know how to roast a bean. Oscar, if you don't mind asking me. I'm a bit of a bad boy. I know how to roast a bean.

Where do you work if not the coffee shop? Well, after I do a little bit of volunteer barista work, I go work at my cool design office. What is that? It's in downtown. It's downtown. What city are you from in Germany? Downtown what?

It's downtown Munich. Nice. Yeah? And it's got... It's the one design building. It's old glass and it's inverted. What are you talking about? I have to ask.

Upside down pyramid? It's like the building's upside down, right? So the doors, you know, are a little bit higher. And you open the windowsills down. Right? Do you know what I mean? No. Like, don't worry, don't worry.

Don't freak out. The desks and everything, they're on the ground. But really, they're on the ceiling of the building. Yeah. And you know how overhead lighting is? You know it? Yes. It's under head lighting.

Everything is under head. It's under head. And you go around, you know, and you say hi to your friends, right? But in the end, you're walking on the top of it. Yeah. Because the building's upside down. Absolutely crazy. Yeah, it is.

And that's the kind of things we do at my design office. Right. What's the company? What? What's the company called? Design Incorporated. Makes sense. Cool.

And program things, and make things on the computer, and draw things on the paper. Fine. It's really fun. You should come by. Swing by. Night time. Where are you? What are you doing?

Night time. I'm hanging with my friends. And when they stop, I keep going. What was the night time? I kick it off with a little bit of M-T-M-A. And a little bit of acid. That's already a little bit of two pretty crazy drawings. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's chill. I've been doing it every day for 25 years. 24 years. Why 24? Because that's how old I am. You started when you were fucking one? Yes, yes. My parents put LSD in their breast milk.

And who? Uh, sorry. Then after I've gone out to the club, hopefully I've asked if, well, I'll keep the names out of it, but hopefully I ask the girl, right, my side dime piece. The one that's dating your best friend. Yeah, she's up, and if she's up and I'm still going, well, then I finger the absolute shit out of her. I finger her until she pisses out.

Oh no. That's not good. And then you're waking up at five? Yeah, and then I wake up at five and do it all over again. What a life, man. What a life. I don't, we don't need to give this guy advice. You guys have been amazing.

Thanks again for Thomas for coming with us. That was great. Thank you, Thomas. Thanks to you guys for coming. That was a hate gum podcast. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye bye. Bye. Bye.