If I Were You - 326: Strip Clubs (w/Thomas Middleditch live in Vancouver!)

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

Comedian and Friend Thomas Middleditch joins us to discuss STD's, DND, and Canadian Folk Hero Stan Rogers. Recorded Live at the Vogue Theater as part of Just For Laughs: Vancouver!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Guys, we are coming to Amsterdam. We are coming to London. We are coming to Dublin. That's right. Three shows in Europe. Tickets available at ifireushow.com. June 4th, June 6th, June 10th.

Damn, that's three shows in three days. Well, yes, three days. It's just not three days in a row. It doesn't have to be. Three shows in three days. All right. Don't make me feel like an ass. I'm not making you feel anything.

We thought what better way to announce it than by posting, that's the word, posting another Thomas Middleditch live Vancouver show episode. Y'all are very welcome. A little bonus Thursday action. And if you want to see us in any of those cities, especially Amsterdam, where we have no idea if we have fans,

please come on down. Tickets once again at ifireushow.com or jaconamere.com. All right, let's get started with this episode. I think we're going to start it as soon as Thomas enters the stage. Let's get right to it. Now we're getting excited. Are you guys ready for Canada's own?

Your native son, my favorite person in the world, let alone Canadian in the world. What are you guys knowing from? Silicon Valley. Come on. What else? And Captain Underpants. Okay.

And maybe even our podcast. Oh, my God. And our web show. Yeah. You put your hands together. Pick up Middleditch. Are you down with the sickness? Are you down with it?

Everyone was asking me, begging me. What song do you want to come out to today? I said, I want to start to pump everybody up. I want to start to get people out of their minds. You're holding water. I know. If anyone's sick, maybe in and out of the hospital, I'm down with it.

You haven't blinked since you come out here, man. We can't sustain this. Such high energy. My God. Do you hear the applause, though, when we mentioned Nelson? Yeah. I hear hometown. Is that many people really from there or just passed through there

and smoked a bunch of pie? So you met Brody, you met Kryler. Okay, cool. That's what the Canadian stoners sound like that, too. They're all from Laguna Beach area. Yeah, I was sick, man. I was just like, it was all moguls, though. You couldn't even find that fresh cow.

You couldn't even find it, man. Fuck you, two-planker. They hate a skier. They hate a skier over there. Tough news. Tough news. Oh, no. I'm a skier.

Have you ever come out as a skier? I go in nice and tight, my feet are nice and tight together, in my little onesie. And I zip-zap down, hunting that fresh pal, deep and steep and in the trees. Ooh, wah! And I skid to a stop and I spray little kids with snow

and I say, off my hill, locals only, pal. This is white water, dude. We only have two lifts. Actually, it's just a third. So if you're in the area, visit. This is just a tourism ad for Nelson. Check it out. He promised he'd get five people per show to move there.

Worth it. Shouldn't be a problem. We're only five hours away from beautiful Spokane, Washington. Here, they've got a lovely meth problem down there. The heart of Eastern Washington. The crown jewel of Eastern Washington. It's true. In Spokane.

You could go to Caslow. They've got a fully functioning paddle wheel boat there. It's beautiful. Not allowed in the water. They don't actually let it paddle. You could probably... This is in Nelson? Yeah.

Well, that's in Caslow. Are you just naming Canadian town? That last one was... Huh? What happened? We gotta do... You're talking shit about Nelson. They cut your mic, bro.

Wow. Stop it. I told you to stop. Wow. I'm down with the sick. Yeah, yeah. We're Douglasa, specifically. Who here has never heard our podcast before?

Oh. I guess if you have... A single... Yeah, well, the people raising their hands have also never been to a comedy show before. This is how it works. This is chemistry class, after all. You were dragged here by a friend. Is that the deal?

One ticket's at an office party or something. Oh, you were... Brother. This guy made you go? Brother. Lover. Cousin. Ta-da.

The rest of the show's gonna be very confusing. It's all inside jokes from here on. We're going with all the hits. We're hitting Surge, dude. We're hitting John Wood. And if you don't know that shit... If you can't recite every Game Boy quote by Fart... That's when you quote it with your ass, then you might as well leave.

Quoting stuff with your ass is brand new. So that one should have a fucking... That should have hit. Excuse me, miss. How many gigabytes does your company own? Yeah! Is that... I bet you don't even have a CD-ROM drive.

The deep cuts. Tubes is back. Tubes 3. You heard that. It sounds so much like booing. Yeah. Just so you know. And that's what you hear.

I have to convince myself. They're saying dudes. Thomas, they're just saying dudes. Thank you. Can you just say it? I think you changed your name again. No, no. I've legally changed my name yet again.

A smear. To anal spread diarrhea. Butt crust fart. So my dick to my butt. I've got no butt anymore. Point two. Good work, pointy. Curse you!

And that's... Now you've been caught up. That's the game. But this is a... It's an advice podcast. People are seeking our guidance, our wisdom, and why not. We're smart people from America. We get it.

We know how to guide the ins and outs, the intricacies of every sticky situation. So you guys want to sit down. Maybe we'll answer some questions for these lovely people. Maybe you guys can help us out. Let's get serious. Okay. Okay.

This is our last show. Maybe we'll cheers. I don't know. Oh, you guys have drinks. You guys can drink. That's fun. That's good. In Winnipeg?

Don't worry. This is LSD. In Winnipeg, I swear, they all just drink snow. It was so weird. Come on, dude. What is this, the Royal Canadian Air Force over here? What is this? Cheers.

Thanks so much for coming, everybody. Thank you. I have on my phone real emails from real people. All I need. Wow. Whoa. That was a record. Grandis was quick with that.

I was going to say, let me just explain to the newcomer. I thought he said pregnant. And I was like, that'd be a weird name. Yeah. Shit. We're going to be referring to these people by fake name just to preserve their anonymity. But I assure you, these are written by real humans and this one will name Grandis. Grandis.

Grandis writes. Hi. Wait. What happened? It just smells weird. And that's what is that going to do the wiping? It's going to wipe the smell. Well, now his sleeve will smell weird.

All right. Touche. Oh, he's licking it. Cool. Grandis writes. I'm a freshman in college and last night I had sex with a girl. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. It was a girl at my school that I met on Tinder. Thanks, Jake. Hey. All Gucci, right? Wrong. I didn't use a condom.

And now I'm panicking because I'm afraid I might have gotten STD. I awkwardly asked the girl before we got down to brass tax if she was clean and she said yes. But these last 24 hours have been a nightmare of me googling symptoms and imagining the worst what if scenario. This morning I texted her again. The same question. Just to make double doggy sure. I don't have any symptoms yet.

And she didn't have any either. But I'm still fucking terrified that she might have just said yes, not to ruin the mood. So my question is, is there a good way to ask someone if they have an STD right before having sex with them without turning them off by seeing semi skeptical of their cleanliness? Would someone lie about not having an STD and trick someone into having sex with them? Am I overreacting? Please help. P.S. I'm 20 and she's 18.

The sex was great. But this was definitely my condom wake up call. Love, Crandis. Let's give it up for Crandis. Okay. Thoughts? Fears? Frustrations? I kind of hate Crandis, but outside of that.

Why do you hate him? I don't know, he just sounds annoying. Yeah, he sounds neurotic. Yeah, he doesn't sound like he's good at sex. I wouldn't want to have sex with him. Definitely. I think... Don't go before you...

Well, if you say... His question is, is there a good way to ask about that stuff? Don't say, are you clean? Yeah. The phrasing there is definitely bad. I don't have a ton of STDs, but I did not wipe my butt. What's the cool way to ask? What's the cool way to ask?

Oh, you're kidding me. It's, hey! Hey, dude! Hey, dude! You got any warts or open swords I should wear? And are you... You're fully naked at this point? Oh, yeah.

Edging. Nice, nice. Good man. Your turn. Good man after my own dick. Yeah, you just sit in there and... I think that you're allowed to... You can ask, and even if it's a little awkward, that's fine.

You can like... Sure. But the thing that's extra awkward is like not believing somebody. So you're like, are you clean? Like, yeah. Like... Prove it, baby. Prove it, baby.

Well, like, I'm serious. Because I'm very clean. I never have sex. Yeah. If you're in the 60s, you know, free love highway, and you want to go down, uh, No Condom Avenue, take that shit at face value. Or just do a nice, brief visual inspection. Yeah.

Because you can, you can, you can see AIDS, dude. I'm telling you. Right. That's why they're called visual AIDS. Yeah. That's right. That's correct. Uncle.

The applause is good. Uncle Amir. Uncle Amir. I went from dad to uncle jokes. Yeah. I'm moving further and further away from you. Uh, is it safe to assume that if someone has a disease, they tell you, even without you asking? Or would they be like afterwards be like, I had herpes, but I guess you should have asked.

Gotcha. Don't ask, don't tell, baby. I suppose that's possible. But I feel like people would want to be upfront. Sometimes they don't even know that's the thing. Right. Wow. So they're telling the truth as they think it is to be.

Right. But like, what are the, what are the uncurable STDs? It's, uh, it's like genital herpes. AIDS. Yeah. That one's a really bad one. God, is gonorrhea not curable? It's incurable?

No shit. Let's take a poll. All right. If enough people don't know it's curable. Well, HPV? Well, that's sort of like, isn't that one not really a risk for guys? We can't even get tested for it. Yeah.

You know, I definitely transfer it. Yeah. We're in one of those carriers. Hey, you never know. You never know if we have it. You know, man, I don't know, dude, man. Like, what is, what can you really do? Just use a condom if you're going to be this nervous.

Otherwise, you have to be chill. Yeah. You can't be cool enough to not use a condom and then also text the next morning to verify. Did you lie to me? Are you still clean? Or what? What's wrong with getting tested yourself just to make sure if you're so scared? Oh.

You get tested or have her have sex with someone else and make sure that guy gets tested. But you don't even have to go to the doctor. Her have sex with someone else and then look at that guy's penis. That's right. Magnifying glass. Yeah, yeah. Easy enough. Problem solved, man.

Next question. Yeah. Yeah. Here's the answer. Chill, dude. Nice. Just relax, man. You have AIDS.

Yeah. You can always just assume you have it. Yeah. And then when you don't, it's like best day ever. Right. Great news. I don't have herpes. And I thought I did.

All right. We need a girl's name. Walnut. Ooh. I heard Walnut. You like the name Walnut? Yeah. I heard it pretty quickly.

You have. Oh, wow. Wait. Did you also yell Walnut? Yeah. He yelled Walnut. So Walnut has a last name. He actually didn't yell it.

He just said it super fast. But let's go. Yeah. What's the last name? Yeah. So the name that you came up with was Walnut Taste Good. And your friends are starting the applause. Oh, they're dabbing.

Are you? They're throwing pistachios at us. This dude dabbed and poked his girlfriend in the eye. You're going to be the guy that's like, you've got friends over and you're like, what, you know, try the Walnuts. And everyone's like, I prefer cashews, almonds, really any other nut. Why? Walnuts are good.

Come on. And you're cracking them open. Oh, thanks. Thanks. I'm good. And crumbling. And you suck. And you're like, I'm a Walnut guy.

Come on. Oh, no. I've seen in the future. Yes. You and the front. Oh, really? Then why have I been cracking open walnuts? You got them there.

Stomped them. You know what? You know what? I know this is kind of early for this, but get out. What? Really? Are you kidding? This is.

I know I'm just the guest and everything. I know. How do you have this authority? Can we eat front row? You don't challenge me. Yeah. But it's just that you kicked five people out of Calgary and you kicked six people out of Winnipeg.

Yeah. I didn't want to do it this early in the show. You know, I turned a new leaf. It was much earlier in those other shows, by the way. Well, I want them to go. Why don't we call that strike one? Okay. All right.

Walnuts taste good. Right. Walnuts. I need some perspective on a situation from a guy's perspective. Lucky for you were three white boys sitting on a stage in Vancouver. Let's go. I've been with this guy on and off for three years and lately we've rekindled our relationship almost to the point of wanting to get really serious and married.

He went to Vegas this past weekend for a friend's bachelor party. I expected the worst from him and I assumed strippers would be involved, which I vehemently do not approve of. I asked him what happened. At first he lied because he could see that I was getting very uncomfortable at hearing that the stripper thing was confirmed. He stated that he began lying by omission because he could see that he would lose me. I pushed and I pushed until he told me the disgusting details.

There was nudity. There were lap dances, which at first he swore only happened to the groom, another lie. And then he said that they each did a whiskey luge off their tits. That one is bad. They then proceeded to play ring toss on a glow stick inside each stripper's vagina. Could be worse. It could have been horseshoes. Folks, those are heavy.

You don't want to miss one of those. Sounds like a personal problem. I may be naive, but holy shit that's disgusting, regardless of the fact that I think it's demeaning to a woman. He upholds that he didn't cheat on me, but I can't help but feel that way. I feel like the whole idea of a bachelor party is to sanction cheating because it's mostly guys who do this. Obviously there are women who have bachelor parties with strippers too, but it feels different.

I've never heard of a male stripper getting fully naked and getting into a bride's face. I told him that he feels like he's in the right because he's never had to experience me do something like that. How would he feel if I did a whiskey shot off two guys' dicks? Probably not great. It just feels so lopsided and I feel extremely sick to my stomach. So what do you guys think? Did he cheat on me?

Am I crazy for being mad? Is he a horrible person for lying to me than making me feel like I'm horrible by being mad at him? I just know that if he were in that situation, he'd flip his shit. Help! Love, walnut, tastes good. Okay, how would the mechanics of the whiskey luge off two dicks work? The mechanics of the whiskey luge, that's what baffles you.

We're talking about glow-in-the-dark rods and ring-tossing vaginas. Yeah, but I can get that anatomically for the two dicks to be so close and parallel the guys would have to be facing each other, at which point, where would the woman's face be? Where's the beginning and end of a luge? Of course, you can imagine two guys sitting stand-by side by side, but if I'm doing that, the dicks aren't close enough together to create the luge. You almost have to have the dicks, what?

It's all about the angle is something somebody says before they try it and break their dick. Watch this! Oh, God! You just catch your stance on a fucking table and be like, I got this! That's me, man. Don't worry, I got this. The general question is, is this cheating? Well, I'm also fascinated by how she extracted all of this information.

She, like, Guantanamo bade this dude. She waterboarded and was like, how did she get ring-tossed? There's some secrets you just keep broke-oed. It's beyond that. That's just, God, that's insane that he came so clean. That's almost impressive. Oh, like, he didn't cheat because he admitted to that detail. Well, yeah, also, there's like, you can do something bad and still have it not be cheating,

right? He didn't fuck somebody, but he threw a ring at a glowing stick inside someone's vagina, which is like a really new thing. So it hasn't been established as cheating, but it was still against the rules. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think, Thomas? Have you ever been to a bachelor party?

Have you ever been to a strip club? Do you imagine a lap dance is cheating? Oh, shoulders. How do your shoulders get so far in front of your neck? I've never been to a bachelor. I don't get invited to that because they know that I'm going to be the guy that's like, I just don't feel like they're safe. Let's call you girls a cab.

And take that out of your... My bachelor party is in June. Do you want to come? We're going to do a mini putt putt into a stripper's ass. Hell, yeah. We're going to do a pinball with two frozen dicks as the flappers. Oh, so... Why frozen?

Because they need to be stiff as all. So they could be hard. No, not if they're detached from the body. Jesus. My bachelor party is going to be awesome. What was that knock hockey? Is that what you were talking about, foosball, but with hockey sticks? Oh, slot hockey.

Rot hockey. Rot hockey, yeah. Sure. That's a Canadian thing, right? Yeah, why did you bring that up? Because imagine that, but with dicks, that's the kind of shit that would go on at bachelorette parties. Why are you planning a bachelorette party?

I'm just saying, if we're here, we can get down to some details. You can get down with a sickness. You know what? A lot of guys aren't down with the reversal, you know? And that's no play note. You got to, if you want to get a little, you got to give a little, and anyway, you know, CFNM, closed female nude male. Nude male, obviously.

Got it. There's a real fun culture out there in certain sections of pornography, where there's... The porn has way more fucking categories than you even realize. It's called CFNM, and it's about fully clothed women, fucking nude men. I don't know what it's supposed to represent in the Power Dynamics game. Yeah, I don't even know why you're bringing it up, but let's, let's see where it goes. Because I also want to talk about JOI, JOE, CEI. What's JOI?

What's JOI? CEI. What's this? Jerkoff encouragement? Jerkoff instructions? Come eating instructions? You don't... What was the last one?

Come eating instructions. You need instructions? Come eating instructions? Come... I wish. How many instructions are there when it comes down to come eating? What is there, like, more than one... Oh, come eating!

Well, there's come eating instruction and come eating encouragement. There's some people that need to learn how to do it, and some people that need to be egged on a little bit. Oh, I'm coming! Wait, wait for our unsolicited advice for the stinger. Ah, ah, ah. Do you consider a lap dance cheating? It all depends on the agreement beforehand.

It really does. If the girl's like, don't do it, and then he does it, it's just a bit of a betrayal, that's all. Betrayal is different than cheating. But if she's like, go for it. Huh? Yeah, but betrayal is different than cheating, right? It's like, betrayal, fine?

No. Yeah. Betrayal's like, I told you not to eat dinner without me, and you did. Yes, that's true. It's not necessarily a cardinal sin. Right. But then again, my whole perspective on cardinal sins is... Let's just do an informal poll of the audience.

Can we... Guys, I'm trying to get involved in the swinger scene, so everything's changing right now. Sorry, what's going on? You know, just I'm evolving. Yeah. 2018, and I just don't know about, you know, these constructs that we've made for ourselves. I've been watching a lot of The Bachelor, and... I think that's...

There's no need for you to like, go through this in front of everybody if you don't want to. I just think I want a club, and everyone's wearing masks, and no one knows whose body is whose. Yeah. It's just a writhing mass of... Right. But this is also not even what she's asking you about, so if you don't want to share...

If you don't want to share this... Actually, you can talk just not into the microphone, because then everyone can hear you sort of going through the logic. It's just, you know, you don't know what's happening, and part of the fear is actually part of the excitement. Yeah. You're divulging a lot of really personal stuff. Then probably you get everyone's numbers, and you text them the next day, are you clean?

But it's hard, because it's like 48 people. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a group text. It's a pretty funny group text, though. Lots of guys doing bits. Please don't reply all right. A lot of gifs. A lot of gifs.

You don't have anybody's contacts saved, so it's all just random numbers responding. A lot of links to Yvonne's world videos. Do you want to pull the crowd? Is that a lap dance? Is lap dance... Wait, we guys cheering for lap dance being cheating, or pulling the crowd? Should we pull the crowd if we should pull? Yeah.

All right, fine. Who doesn't want to be pulled? And who doesn't want to be pulled? All right. Sounds like we're pulling. Thank you for your honesty. Thomas, do you want to kick that person out? No, man.

I'm proud of you for being brave. All right. Cool. Is getting a lap dance cheating? Yes. Don't yell no, just you cheer if it is cheating. Is it cheating? Yes.

I want to talk to the fucking one person that was brave enough to still yell. The thing is, it's like a lame stance to take, but a lot of people think it. Thank you. It's just a fun activity. I kind of agree. Or I think it's also, it's a fun activity, but then it's also, it's a confusing activity, I think. Has any, I mean, like, I don't know if maybe anyone else identifies.

I think pre-strip club, hey. You piped the fuck down. Enough. You got your little, you got your little quote in. Shake him out, dude. No, you know, strike one. Okay. One, two, one to that guy.

And you know what? Fuck it. That's two to you. I feel like he encouraged it. Yeah. Yeah. You're egging this guy on. He was the cum eating encourager.

I find that pre-strip club, it's like, yeah, all right, this is going to be great. And you get in and everything's now changed and you've showed your ID and you've been reminded of the rules and you sit down and you see someone on stage and they're doing their thing and you're like, I don't, I can't tell if she's being sexy or if she's hiding sadness. Definitely the second. And then when the private thing happens, it's like, okay, this is cool. You're pretending to be sexy, but I know at the end I have to give you money for it.

Take this ring. Take this ring. You'll get it later. Yeah, yeah. You're going to have to toss it. I've always said I get the most aroused when someone's pretending to be into me. Yeah. So I find them pretty confusing, but oh, but to touch a butt?

That counts. Because some of them let you touch the butt. Are you allowed to touch in Canada? Quebec? In Quebec, it's crazy, man. It's encouraged. They want you to touch that tittie, man. I don't know.

I spend a lot of my time pretending to like people, so it's nice to go to a strip club and like get the reverse. What a dark insight. That's what you're telling them. That's what you're telling them while they're lap dancing you. That's what I'm telling the bouncer, trying to get him to let me back in. You like strip clubs. You're not afraid to say.

Oh, no, I actually, I hate them. Really? Yeah, I don't like them at all. You've been to your fair share. Oh, I've been to them a lot, yeah. But I don't like it. I think it's bad. I went to a swingers club.

Swingers? A sex swingers club. And tell me more. Tell me it all. It looked like a big, a big strip club. Like it had sections. And then you, first section was not, was cloth, and it's BYOB, which is weird. And there was a, there was like a buffet and they had waffles.

What time of day was this? This was late on an off night. And then in the back, you kind of, you got into a locker room and you put a towel on. So now you walk around the towel section. Wait, you have to be nude there? Uh, yeah, if you want to go in the back, man. Jesus, do you want a waffle? Do you want a waffle?

Yeah, so do you carb up before you go to the back? Or do you like, are the waffles? I'm always carb. I'm rock-carved. Yeah. And you go into the big room and there's people doing stuff and it feels weird because it's like silent other than the sounds of the things that are happening. And then what do you have to do?

And you, and going in, you're like, oh sweet, like everyone's going to look like porn stars and they're all going to be beautiful. But it turns out it's like a lot of middle-aged, heavy set folk. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, like, do you, but it, it, it, it, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's different than the reality, I think. Where? But in the end, I applauded everyone.

This was the standing O. This was two nights ago in Winnipeg. Yeah. Winnipeg. Ooh. How were the waffles? Didn't try them, actually. Shocker.

I didn't want to try the Swinger's Club waffles. But did you BYOB? No, I didn't know until I got there. So I was stone cold sober the entire time. Suffice it to say, it lasted 20 minutes and then I left. Still awesome. Oh, there was a pool table in the nudie section. So you could either be playing pool in a towel or fully nude.

Fucking somebody. Or fucking someone. Using your dick is like the fucking stick. All right. Dude. Dude, have you had sex? You're like, yeah, it's a lot like pool. That's the second, but like earlier you said, you said that like having a hard dick was for

it to be frozen. Yeah. That was for the big ball. I just feel like you don't know anything about it. Wait, what do you mean? How is sex like pool? Like what's what? What represents what?

Right. Well, that's all right. Because if you want me to walk through the analogy. Yeah. The felt of the table is like. Why would you start there? I'm walking you through the entire experience. Okay.

So what's the felt of the table? The felt of the table is what? Like when you say, I felt a boo. So that's not even an analogy. That's a pun. You were going to say like bedsheets or something. Right. Or bedsheets.

Correct. I'm giving you your own analogy. Right. And then the first thing you wanted to do was a bad felt analogy. And then. Okay. What are the. Skip ahead.

Honestly. Not unlike a woman, the table has six holes. I think it's generally considered there are three available for sex. But you're like, including. Two nostrils, the ears. And that's only. That's not enough. No, that's seven.

No, that's seven. Yeah. Your woman is short. Like a fucking nostril, maybe. I'll never tell. All right. So, okay. So the table is the woman.

And he holds. All right. The felt is the bedsheets which Thomas gave you. No, the felt is the felt top. Yeah. The felt of the boo. Okay. The six holes are all the holes.

The six holes represent the six holes that a lady has. Fine. Or a man. Or a man. No. Man might be closer. Man actually, yeah. Do you have six?

Well, no, I mean. Yeah. Yeah. And actually there, you know, the, the urethra and a woman is a separate hole. So. Correct. So that's. So that's eight.

Okay. So. Go ahead. The balls. The woman's boobs. There is a, there is a part of a guy called balls. Wait, wait, wait. Also is the objective insects to put a woman's boob in one of her holes?

That's so fucked. I'm not here to tell you how to live your life, but. Yeah. No. You can actually fit a little bitty titty into an ear. Just knock it off. What's the chalk? You don't want to fit an itty bitty titty into an ear.

Now you're like, you're never going to do it. The chalk is a condom that you put on your stick or shaft. That one's good. All right. I'll get to that. So wait. The sex is. Taking your dick.

Ramming it against itty bitty titties. No, no, no. Overflowing a condom arm. That's right. Ramming against. Blue. Titty titties. With the objective of helping those titties go in any of the six holes that a woman has.

Right. Titty corner ear. Feeling her up on some bed sheets. All right. Yeah. A beer is at the Hilton downtown room 693. Or as I call it, 69 three. That's that snooker shit.

The what? The snooker. Smaller table, but there's pegs in the wall. All right. Let's go on to the next question. All right. I guess. Cheap queen.

Our one short plate. Our one short plate. Our one short plate. Our one short plate. Our one short plate. Pow pow. We need a guy's name. They said.

I want to go. I heard hard one short foot, but I want to go with pow pow because you got to respect. You got to respect the possum. Hi guys. I'm papa. His voice is actually more like. And he can't speak English. So like, don't even try.

So should we not read this then? I think we go straight to the break. Well, what's the name of the dude that can understand the rodents and your weird fantasy game? Well, not really anybody, but you can do it. Yeah. Beverly. Let's go with Beverly.

All right. And now I'm in a high school student living just outside of Calgary. We've read this question one day too late. You helped solve an issue of mine in the past, but I need your help again recently. And by that, I mean about an hour and a half ago while we were hanging out after the movies. My girlfriend and I were talking about our guilty pleasures as a sort of fun conversation. And she asked me what mine were. I said, because it's true, and it's been a few months with her, that I love listening to

pirate sea shanties from the Caribbean era. My favorite being running down to Cuba. She shot me a weird look and changed the conversation right away. This kid is going to grow up and we're going to be best friends. This is the first time I really liked somebody that wrote it to our podcast. And I bet he's writing this in his like cape, like he's wearing a cape. Even though I totally was fine with her weird innocent guilty pleasure of cinnamon flavored toothpaste.

She's the monster. I was mortified right away, obviously, I mean, with this lack of talking about it. She probably just assumes I'm some sort of history nerd and wants to break up with me. I really like this girl. And while I know I probably should have just made up some regular guilty pleasure. I've already made the mistake and I need to keep this woman. This jumble of teen anxiety and miscommunication. And for that, I'm very sorry, but I need your help.

Do I bring this up again? Do I stop listening to sea shanties and hope she picks up on the fact that I've stopped? Do I leave her and sail the seven seas, pillaging and plundering as I please with the boys? Hi! Oh, yeah! Thanks in advance for any advice, love. Papa Beverly. Let's go to her papa.

I love him. Me too. I mean, change your habits so that the girl likes you more. Well, that is absolute. Well, it depends what your habits are, but in his case, absolutely not. Become a different person, I should say. Stop being yourself in order to impress a woman. All the time. Every day.

Every day. That's how you score. No, man. Especially if something is just absolutely precious. It's like listening to sea shanties. What a dream. What an ostracized little boy hanging out in Calgary, Alberta. The hollering of the cowboy stink guy like, What the fuck are you looking at, eh?

And he's sitting there listening to fucking sea shanties. He's so alone. He is so alone. No, don't change. Hashtag, it gets better. Was this you? Huh? Was this you? No, no, it's Yaya.

Or Papa, or whatever the fuck. What was your pirate sea shanty in Nelson, Canada? Like, what's the famous Nelson sea shanty? Come on, you all know the Nelson shanty song? Well, this is, I did like weird stuff. Like, I got into, this is going to sound bad, though. Is it CFNM? It's going to sound bad, but I've been a history nerd for a while,

so like, I get him in a way. Do you know what he's talking about, sea shanties from the Caribbean era? Yeah, I could only imagine, you know what probably started it? What's that, it was like big in Canadian radio for a bit. They're like Newfoundland band. Yeah, what's their, what's their big song? And it's like, oh, throw him over. I know you don't know the name, oh.

You know? Yeah. There's like a big one, right? What's it? Probably? Do you know how to sing it? Spirit of the wet. Spirit of the wet.

Do you guys know how to, how it goes? Whoever knows it, stand up and everyone shut up and listen to him or her sing it. Let's go ahead. Someone just did it over there. I don't know, I don't know the title. I clearly don't know the title. I'm going, you know the one song that's like,

I don't know the title. He wants you to sing an entire song and then he'll decide if that's the song. Why is it so hard, Dave? A date night come and a fire night comes. That one. There it is, let's go. 1778.

I wish I wasn't sure right now. When a little remark came from the king to the scummiest vessel I've ever seen God damn them all. I was told to use the seas for American gold You'd fire no guns, and I don't know tears Now I'm a joking man, I don't know how to flex it The last to bear its private tears

Yes, that's my shit. That was, that's a Stan Rogers song. Yes. I bet you, I bet you, Marnie, that that was his gateway drunk. My God. How do you know that song? I fucking love it.

I love sea shanties. So that. Alright man. One strike, what are you thinking? I don't know what he said, you smoke a joint a Friday off D-Band. That's what I heard. I'm with you though.

Definitely though, for sure. One strike though, fair, one strike. My God. Fair, fair, fair. It's a sweet question, but I think we all want him to be himself and find somebody that maybe this woman is the one that will love you for it,

maybe not. I think, you know, as a teen, which he is, I know it's probably the world to you right now, don't worry about it. Yeah. You're a teen. It is fine.

And if you were listening to the podcast, you at least heard half a dozen other people know the song, so there are people out there that like shanty shit. Yeah. Yeah, lots of people like supported your love of sea shanties. Nobody took the girl's side here in the room,

that's for sure. You know what? You know what's attractive? It's seeing that someone's passionate about something. So legit, if she kind of poo pooed it, and you're wondering like, oh my God, I said the wrong thing,

show her what's cool about sea shanties. Take her to the local. So it's like a call and response, alright babe? Yeah. And if after that, if she sees your passion and like dislikes you for it, not meant to be, don't worry about it.

There's plenty of other wheels to harpoon. Yay. Alright, let's take a break. We'll answer some questions from here, and you know, if you're listening at home, enjoy these ads, I guess. Let's get a round of applause.

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We've had a great question just sitting in these for every show that we've never gotten to, but I want to get to it right now because I really think you, Thomas, can read the hell out of it. Because, and you can even name him, but he's a 16-year-old stoner that loves to ski. Oh, Toby Brodersen.

Holy shit. Toby Brodersen. All right. Okay. Dear Jake and Amira. Jake and what? What? Why'd you pronounce my name?

Dear. Oh, Jake and Amira. All right. I happen to be in a particularly sticky brackets green situation with one tough decision to make. Being a 16-year-old junior in high school, I have little to complain about.

Life is good. At least he's aware he's got it easy. Except this one distressing dilemma. I've been partaking in some of the devil's lettuce for the past two months with my buddies. Recently, though, my girlfriend of two years found out. Brackets. Why am I annunciating the...

Found out not that I was keeping it secret. Hashtag make love not war. My girlfriend of two years has found out that I have been lighting up every weekend for around two months. She's devastated that I have now become a quote-unquote stoner. We have had multiple fights about this issue

and has mostly just been her yelling at me, forgetting, baked with no reason for her anger. The other night, me and my pals were smoking again. Hashtag wacky Wednesday. And we made a plan to go skiing and get absolutely fried beforehand. I'm talking, wake, bake, and bake some more.

I would love to go on this trip and I don't want to hurt this girl's feelings. My questions are, one, should I drop this dictator of a gal and have more time for me and my friends? Two, is this really so bad to just have a good time and smoke some weed? Three, should I try and convert her

to understanding and hopefully liking weed herself? Four, if I don't break up with this girl, should I go on this ski trip and not tell her, go on this ski trip and promise not to smoke, not go on this ski trip at all, or should I try and convert her so she can see that weed that is not a big deal at all? This dude is repeating himself in the letter.

Because I had his mind. Thank you very much for whatever advice, no hate, love, Toby Brodersen. Toby Brodersen. Wow. I mean, you ski, you get it. Yeah, I shred NAR, but... Boy, his letter is evidence

that he should maybe give it a break. It was so intense for someone that is like super stoned. He was like, what? Nine different multiple choice. Yeah, she is being a total bitch though for not wanting him to do drugs. It's quasi-legal here, isn't it? Not for 16-year-olds.

That's the thing that every stoner cheers for. It's legal, I'm 14, let me smoke every day. Don't be an asshole. That's why the other people don't let you smoke. Are you on the girlfriend's side? That hooting and hollering for a 14-year-old to smoke weed at eight in the morning. He's 16, you fucking nark.

That's how you get other people trying to control it. Pizza, french fry, pizza, french fry. Man, I'm hungry. Oh shit, a fucking mogul up. Oh no. My nap, my fucking nap. Don't look. Hey ski patrol, you guys need some butt?

There's a fucking ball through his stomach, you asshole. I made my med kit into a bomb. Let's rip on it. Help him, he's bleeding out. He needs dank butt. No, he needs CPR. This is BC Hydro. He's bleeding out.

He's bleeding out. You killed my friend. What is the age, is it 18 or 21? It doesn't matter man, it's all free love. 19, right, here it's 19. 19? Cool. It should be.

There's kind of a correlation between this weed and that guy's sea shanties. Because it's both like something that he's kind of crazy. And honestly if you take it back a little further between the sea shanty and the fucking stripper ring toss. That's great. It's all like I did something that I liked and the person that I like hated it.

Does that mean that I have to be different or does that mean that they're bad? That's the... What happened just then? What are you saying? I can't say it again because I have no idea. It's just saying if this guy is skiing and throwing rings at pussies

and smoking pot and singing sea shanties. It's all about like fucking doing it. Yeah, it's doing you and somebody's harsh in your shit. That's really... Is that really what's happening? Probably. I guess he is 16. He's allowed to like move on because he wants pot.

I mean you never ever want to like... If a 16 year old is fighting with a girlfriend you never want to be like hey work it out. It's worth it. Yeah stick it out. This might be the one. If you're 16, if there's a problem that's fine.

Move on. Break up. But don't, you know, keep it to the weekends pal. You're already struggling as it is. No more wacky things to say. Hashtag freaky friday and hashtag...

Sticky Saturday. Sticky icky Saturday. And you can... Dank night in Saturday. Like fucking gnar study getting up at school clean. Maybe an edible on Sunday. One day is strictly molly.

Tuesday is for blow. Wednesday is assy. I know. I would say great. Thursday. Glug, glug, glug. That'll take you to hashtag freaky friday where we're doing weed,

edible. A little bit of fucking ayahuasca for some reason. Jesus. Cisca's gonna die. You're painting the picture of weed as a gateway truck, man. Don't fucking do that to us.

You goddamn Reaganite. Huh? Fuck you, man. This is canon. We don't do that stupid. Wait a second. You guys don't like Reagan? Where are we, Amir?

We have to go to Seattle fast. They love Reagan in Seattle. Right? All right. Do you guys have time for one more question? Oh, shit. This one is another confused little boy, but he's not doing anything wrong.

Oh. It was the last guy. All right. Benjamin? Did someone say Benjamin? I like Benjamin. Yeah, why not? Just fucking normal.

This guy said walnut tastes good and you're like, no. I'm going with a strong Jewish name here. Benjamin... What's the most Canadian last name there is? Oh, like McMullen. Benjamin McMullen. That is your next prime minister.

Yeah. He's not from Nelson. He's from Fort Nelson. Who, Rah? Benjamin McMelson. No. McMullen? Yeah, McMullen.

Right. From Fort Nelson. Yeah. Utahki. There's this girl that I'm interested in and I think she has a medical issue that she needs to go see a doctor about. Only I don't know how to bring it up.

Some nights when I stay over, she'll go into the bathroom late at night while I'm sleeping and blow the place up. It's bad. It's loud. I can hear her grunting. The awful brown bomber squirting into the toilet. I can't help but get a picture in my head.

Her bent over, sitting on the john, gripping her knees and grunting while the brown liquid shoots at her ass like a rocket with enough lift, lift to shoot her off the toilet and launch her into orbit. Like some kind of shit-powered astronaut. Oh, while covering the earth

with the stench of her big brown butt juice. Cool. This guy's chill, man. This guy seems chill. So how do I tell her that this is an issue? At least it's an issue for me and perhaps it's bad enough that she might have some kind of food allergy.

Aw, he's considerate. Right, that's what he's concerned about. We have Ben McMullen. Let's give it up for Ben McMullen. If this was you, are you giving it the old, is everything okay? I would hand him the book that most kids read called Everybody Poops.

Everybody Poops, but not everybody fucking grunt sprays. Poor thing, she may have allergies or something. She might have the IBS. Shame her. Yeah, but can you express concern without shame when it comes to a duty and a fart point? Okay, yes, you're her. I'm him.

All right, get back into bed. Sorry about that, my sink wouldn't warm up. It's okay. So I was there for a minute, warming the air. Yeah, you were in there for a long time, huh? Yeah, well, long-ish. Speaking of long-ish, should we watch Black-ish? There's an episode of...

In a bit, in a bit, Diane. Is everything okay? I just wanted to ask you... What's that supposed to mean? I just wanted to know if maybe you have talked to your parents or maybe even a doctor if you have a poo-poo-bum-bum disease. If I've...what? Pee-pee BBD.

Pee-pee BBD? Pee-pee-bum-poop-poop-poop-poop-bum-bum disease. Pee-pee BBD. What are you talking about? It's just, I notice... I mean, I don't know if you know that I can hear, but I can hear everything. Okay.

I can just... Just so you know, I can hear everything. All right. All right, I see where you're getting at. It's because of the loud and violent grunting and this shit-making that happens before I come into bed. I don't think that's necessarily bad. I'm just genuinely concerned that you might have health issues.

Don't worry about it. I got it under control. It definitely does not sound under control. Did that happen just now? It did, but a little bit. Am I next to it? Is there a risk of it touching me? It's too early to tell.

Diane, I need you to tell. I don't want to catch it. Are you clean? Good, man. That's why they call me Tommy Improv. You guys, did you have fun tonight? Good. So did we.

Thank you so much for coming. And thanks to Thomas for coming all the way over. And thanks to you guys for being the best. Good night. Thank you.