If I Were You - 327: Ex Girlfriend's Birthday

Episode Date: April 30, 2018

In this episode we discuss sleep masks, apologies, and touch briefly on Amir's new musical.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you've got problems with girls, or killed yourself in a star box, tell me diva, now when did you last let your cheese be seized? There's a couple of dudes, one of them is a chipmunk, email them with your problems, but get ready to be teased. If I were you, a mirage ache will help you through, whether they tell you no, or where to go, or say you're only befan. If I were you, a chase dead is a fool, get put on blast by the studio, and they'll tell you how to feel when things get real, so send an email to if I were you, show you at gmail.org. Best song ever! Best song ever! That was good, that was the last song ever.

Two dudes from Perth, Australia have a Dixieland jazz band called Beans Boomas Boys of Rhythm. But you can plug our brand new podcast, Beanstalk, the world's first and only annually released podcast. Nice, bad business model, I appreciate you. That was awesome. Can we get the Jasmine verses? He says it's a cheesy 90s R&B cover of a whole new world from Aladdin. So that's why it sounded a little different, but they had good voices. I like the part where he goes, Jake's dad is a gourd, absolutely a pumpkin.

I might do a musical. What do you mean? I might do one of the, because there's a lot of cash in that. Oh, you're inspired by him in one way, but then more so you want to make your own musical for your own cash? Because if I did Aladdin, they'd have to pay me to use it. That's not how it works. That was Cam and Tom are the names of those boys. So thanks Cam and Tom for writing that awesome theme song from Perth, Australia.

It's been a minute since we've been to Perth. Yeah, it's one of the most isolated cities in the world. So it was hard to get to. Yeah. Because you got to fly to Australia and then you have to fly across Australia. Yeah. Or as I call it, across Australia. Why do you call it that?

Because it's a combination of the two words that I said. Across in Australia? That's right. Well, it's sort of a full across. Across Australia. It's not really a mix of the two words because you have one full word in there. Across Australia. That's what I should say.

Oh, like across Australia. Yeah, across Australia. Yeah, I guess. The poor man toe. Across Australia. Yeah, fine. Which is the name of my song, my musical. That's a Aladdin and Jasmine ripoff that you think they'll pay you for.

Yeah, well, it doesn't have to be an Aladdin and Jasmine. It's easy to come up with a musical because most of them are the same. All right, go ahead. Come up with one. It's a fucking, I'm not trying to like do it super quick, but it can be anything. Sorry, you said it's easy to come up with. A house where the garage is the mouth. So it's called a house mouth.

So, and the first song can be introducing the character. By the way, first off, bad idea. Second of all, go ahead. The song's the easiest part. The song's the easiest part. It sounds like you really struggled with the concept. No, I don't. House mouth?

House mouth. House is the garage, which is traditionally on the far side of the house. Yeah. Side mouth, house mouth. So the first song, obviously this is like just the first stupid idea. So it won't be that good. It hasn't been so far. But even so far, it would probably be off-Broadway because a lot of this shit is experimental.

It would be like, it would be like, because the first song, you know, is like happy and cool and it like introduces you to the premise of the musical. Yeah. So it would be like, hey, hey, I'm a house, garage is my mouth, hi, hey, ho, he, hum, hum. And then like, you'd introduce- There were like nine words in the whole song. And then you went, ha, he, hum. Because at that point, you introduce a new character.

The first line just says what the movie's about. You're laughing at me, but you're wrong. So like people listening are going to be like, I get that. That was a good song. I don't really appreciate you take laughing. And they're going to be really pissed at you actually. They will. Because the next verse introduces a really cool character.

Go ahead. I'm just saying I'll have to come up with one. I can't do it on the spot. You have to come up with- I agree. You're very bad on the spot. I don't know why you're like saying this is bad. By the way-

You're also defending it. The bad guy is multi-layered. That's a good thing for a bad guy to be, but you haven't thought of him yet. Exactly. Well, I'm just saying he's not even that bad. You haven't even thought of the second character yet. I'm just saying, so he like works at a charity,

which is kind of interesting for the bad guy. And you meet him- Who is the bad guy in a movie where it's the main character is a house that has a garage for him. The clicker. He works at a charity. Well, yeah, now that I say it out loud, it's like we have to figure out how to get from A to B.

But yeah, he's a clicker. Who's the love interest? This is so easy. And it's hard to put me on the spot. How could it be both? How could it be both easy to come up with and hard to be on the spot? Because it's hard for most people, but for me it's easy because it's a fucking tree.

It's a tree that lives next to the house. Honestly, it should be easier than you're making it. If I'm going to buy into the premise being a garage with a house with a garage for a mouth. See, it sounds like you're not even listening. I am. You're stalling. You're making a big whole meal out of everything and then you're naming the obvious other characters.

And then, you know how every time there's a love song between the two so a whole new world could be an example of that? But in my musical, obviously, I can't use a whole new world. Yes, that is obvious. Right, because that song is already a thing. It's taken. Right, it's taken, exactly. You don't have to have a new song.

Yes. I imagine you think that is really easy. Yes, it's easy, but it's hard because I'm doing it on the spot, but for me it's not that hard. It's easy, and then it's hard because you're on the spot, but for you it's not hard. And now I'm nervous, so I feel like my singing is off. So it is hard for you to be on the spot.

Yeah. Well, no, it's not hard for me to be on the spot. It's hard for most people, and I'm nervous. So my singing is starting to turn a little fucked. Go ahead. What's the song? The love song. The love song between the tree and the house with the garage for the mouth

before their love gets interrupted by the bad guy. A whole new tree. You said you weren't going to be able to rip that song off. It's all right. No, I'm just like, that's how I get my singing character. That's not even expanding any, like a whole new tree. The tree is also a character. Yeah.

Okay, right. So this is a new love song, right? No, I'm going to say. What you did was an old love song. That was me fucking finding my note. I changed one word. Do you know how to tune a guitar? That's what I do with my voice, because I'm going to be doing the voices for this shit.

I hope not. Go ahead. Okay. What's the song? You think you can sing better than me? You piece of shit? All right, ready? Sorry.

A reminder for me to cut that. Ready? Who is there? Who can it be? Why are you fucking laughing? Is this a song? Yes. Is this a song?

Some songs start with people talking. Okay. And by the way. I'm sorry. Is this you as the tree? No, it's not me as the tree. It's me as the fucking moon. Okay.

Who plays the comedic relief character? That one wasn't funny. Remember the fucking gargoyles in Lion King? There's gargoyles in the hunchback in Notre Dame. You said there were gargoyles in Lion King. And there's Timon and Pumbaa in The Lion King. And there's Timon and Pumbaa in The Lion King. And there's Timon and Pumbaa in The Lion King.

And there's Timon and Pumbaa in The Lion King. It was my full sentence before you cut me off. Okay. So in this character, in this moon, sorry, in this film adaptation of a musical that I'm writing, which by the way is about a moon. Wait, you said it was about the house. That's how, that's your way into the story. But remember in Aladdin how it's like this guy who's like, come here, come close, come

close. Ah, that's too close. Yeah. So that's the garage. It feels like you're just, oh. So the garage is the way in. That's not even a character. Yes, it's the way in.

Absolutely. It's the way in. Because he has to talk. All right. So this is the love song between the moon. And the tree. And the tree. And the tree.

So how's the clicker still the bad guy? You'll see. All right, go ahead. All right. Well, now I'm like kind of confused because I had to fucking baby feed it to you. You shouldn't be this mad when you're doing something creative. Who is there? Who is eat?

It's the tree. It's the me. Oh, and I'm the moon. Why do you feel like this song needs to, like, that's a whole new world. Like let's use some one of your examples. Yeah. Aladdin isn't like, a whole new Jasmine. Yes.

And I'm Aladdin and we're on a carpet. Yes, that would help because then you can listen to that song. No, like that's just, that's the real shit. That's like what's happening. And then there's like an artistic take on it. Got it. Like they're going through a ride. And so he says, I'm showing you this whole new world.

But he says, on a magic carpet ride. They do do that. So your note, by the way, which I actually did have about Aladdin, a lot of their songs are kind of hard to follow. Like never had a friend like Smee. I didn't get that one. Never had a friend like me. Right.

It's the genie singing about himself, but he's never like, and I'm the genie, and I'm the genie, and you're Aladdin and I'm your friend. Like that's the kind of song that you're pitching over there. Because I feel like you wouldn't, if I just went into it straight and I was like, ooh, who's in love with you? Or whatever the fuck. Like you wouldn't get it. That one sounds way better.

Okay. So you're like not thinking about it at all? By the way, that was the second verse of the song. Really? So when you say that sounded way better, it's because the songs get better with time. It feels like you're just saying that now. No. It really does.

It doesn't. It feels like you're saying that right now. It doesn't sound like that. And then there's usually a thing at the end where like all the songs come together. And that's like really complicated for most people. And I imagine it's not for you, but it is because you're on the spot. It is because I'm on the spot. But it's not that hard.

You don't mind being on the spot. Yeah, exactly. So like the crescendo of all of the songs. Right. It would be like the medley. Yeah, that's exactly the meddle. So he's like. He said exactly and then didn't say what I said.

So the moon's like, in your sky, in your eye, and I'm the tree, and I'm the guy, and in your eye, it's a tree, it's a me. The moon is also the tree? No. It sounded like the moon was the bad guy in that song. The clicker's the bad guy. Also like in The Lion King, Scar has the bad guy song. Yeah, I always left the room for that because it kind of scared me.

The Mufasa one? Yeah. Be prepared. Oh, be prepared. Yeah, that's it. But you know the song. Anyway, does the clicker have like a bad guy song? It's a good song too.

It's probably, it might be the second best song that I've written so far for it. What do you think was the best one? The best song was the medley. The one you just sang? Yeah. The moon's in your eye, and I'm the guy, and I'm the tree. Exactly. Okay, sure.

So what's the clicker? Well, the clicker is... Actually, that's Rewinded even a little just one step back because the clicker you said is the bad guy, but the moon is the good guy, and the tree is the love interest. And the garage door is the way in. In slash main character. In Aladdin's, Jafar wanted to be the most powerful genie. Yeah.

Which is a really cool... Or like the Sultan, yeah. That's like a cool, interesting goal for him. Right, Scar wanted to be, he thought that he should be the king. Yes, exactly. Every bad guy sort of needs a journey, and for him, he's the hero of the story. Right. But it's not really.

He's actually the anti-hero. So, and for you, the moon, I almost understood it when like the clicker was the bad guy and the... Because he wanted to keep that mouth shut. That made sense in a way. That's cool. But now that the moon is the good guy and the garage door or the mouth of the house, it's just an ancillary character that only sort of like...

Correct. ...you introduces the movie. Correct. What's the clicker's... The clicker's role? Yeah. What's the vision? His quest, his journey, which is actually really interesting, is to...

Like, because he can only... Right? He's a clicker, so he can only click. So, he's looking for that next like... That like accidentally shuts off the main house. What? Like, you know how garage is... You know how garage is open and closed.

Don't talk to me like I'm stupid. Do you know how doors open? Yeah, and you say close door. And your clicker is looking for the next click? No, my clicker is looking for the next door to close. So, he's done with the garage, and now he wants to move on to bigger and better doors. No, you idiot. He's still working on the door.

What are you talking about? Yeah, you know how if you're here... Sorry, I feel like I'm explaining this to a four-year-old. If you're here and you click, your garage door won't open or close, because you know why? Because you're too far away. Right. I know why. I do know why.

So, he's trying to get to the door. Stop pretending that you think that you're explaining to a four-year-old, but you're not. I'm 32, and I've gotten everything that you've done so far. Okay. So, you get it. So, the clicker is trying to get within radius of the door. The clicker didn't start within radius of the door. Exactly.

And it wants to get within radius of the door. How the fuck does the moon come in? Because why do their stories intersect in any way? It's the nighttime. So, the moon's out. So, the moon's out. So, then he should enjoy that the moon is out. The fact that we're talking about it, I feel like, is just evidence of the fact that there's a lot going on here.

What's the movie fucking called? Down. Why? D-A-U-U. D-A-U-U? That's the name of the house. That's the address. You said that the movie wasn't even about the house.

It's the address of the house. I know. You said it wasn't about the house. Yeah, it's not about the house. It's where it takes place. Have you ever heard of a movie called, like... It takes place at the house, but the clicker's too far away from the house. So, how does it take place at the house?

Reno 911 is about Reno, right? Yeah, but Reno 911 is a city. And you named the movie after the specific address of the house. Yeah. And you said it takes place there. But the clicker's not there. It is not there yet. It wants to get there.

It's like Harold and Kumar go to where? White Castle. Stop naming other movies. Trying to shoehorn your movie in. Because so far it's been about Harold and Kumar, a Latin king, and a Latin and Lion King. Right. Yes.

So those are the things that they're about. And then there's songs about it. And when you make the musical, you first do Off-Broadway, and then if the reviews are good, you move to Broadway, and then you sell the movie rights. What theater are you going to go to, Off-Broadway, for this? There's a black box on St. Mark's in Third. It better be a black box.

And it's actually a really interesting space. Really? Yeah. It's like a mental shit. And that's exactly what this is. Who plays the clicker? I mean, there's the dream casting role, and then there's the person who we're probably going to settle for.

Let's hear both. James Earl Jones. Yep. And you settle for? My cousin. Your cousin who? Siggy. Siggy.

Yeah. Yeah. In the end, I think James Earl Jones would probably pass. So then I'll send a WhatsApp over to my cousin. And who's the moon? Well, again, there's obviously the dream, and then there's the end up who will probably get. So there's the dream and Siggy,

because I feel like Siggy ends up playing every single part here. No, because I'll be playing the house. So you know that you're the settle. Matthew Broderick, by the way, if you're interested. Who is a Tony Award winner? Is the dream again. Who do you settle for? And you haven't won any award?

Yes. Of course I haven't won a Tony. Yes. Don't try to make me feel bad. Like I've tried to win a Tony. Well, everybody's trying, but Broderick actually took home the hardware. And the fact that he's even considered is kind of a hazard. Has he considered?

He hasn't considered. You haven't even made the, you haven't even written the play yet. Yeah, I'm saying nothing for him to consider at the moment. In the last, let's say we've been talking about it for 15 minutes, which feels like it's been a lifetime, but it went really fast to me. I wrote probably half the songs. No way you did not.

Between your like, you're trying to catch me in like this corner where I didn't figure something out. One more song. Oh, one more song. You said you wrote half the songs. Yeah. So, you know, in Lion King, there's Hakuna Matata, which is kind of like a fun little-

I feel like you need to get away from Lion King because you end up like, I just know that there's going to be the words Hakuna Matata. Hakuna didn't Tata. Why? It's a wonderful gaze. This is a parody of Lion King. No, it's not. Every musical harkens back to the one that came right before it.

This one doesn't harken to anything. You said Hakuna. What's the most recent musical you've seen? Moana. And how was it? Great. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. You know why? Because it was written by a competent motherfucker who could figure shit out. Yeah. Lin Manuel Miranda wrote all the songs. Really? They were amazing. And you, meanwhile, just pitched me a song that went Hakuna.

I thought Moana was written by some guy like me, like a scrappy upstart who figured it out on the day. So, you are admitting that you're going to figure it out on the day, and you're in the black box, and you've got Sugi standing across from you dressed as a clicker, Matthew Broderick in the rafters. This is kind of cool. Yeah.

I'm imagining a pretty cool thing. And you're the fucking house. That's awesome. Yeah. And you don't know any lines, and they don't know any lines, and you haven't told them any of the songs. I know.

Yeah. But I can like... And you say Hakuna Damada. Hakuna Dintata. Dintata. What a wonderful gaze. Yeah. What is Dintata?

Dintata means gaze. And Hakuna is wonderful. I don't believe you when you say Dintata means gaze. The same. A lot of the... Also Hakuna means... Hakuna Matata means no worries for the rest of your gaze. But I think they made that up.

Right? Didn't they? This is the first time this entire conversation where I don't know if I'm right or wrong. And yeah, that's actually a really good indication of like how this entire conversation is gone for me. Really? Yeah.

Because like a lot of the times I was, believe it or not, pulling answers out of my ass. I do believe it. It made a lot of sense. It seemed like I was confident. I knew every single thing I was going to say. You were overconfident. I'll say that later.

But I was legit improvising. Like I hadn't even thought of the musical when we started this episode. So you hadn't thought of all of the songs. And when you said you thought of half the songs that I asked you to sing another one. That was a lie. I lied to you.

And I was trying to like... I thought you'd be like, how the fuck did you come up with that on the spot? You thought that I wouldn't ask. And I would just be like, oh man, that's awesome. I can't believe how many songs you're coming up with. Right.

And then I'm like, guess what? I just thought of them right now. And then I would be like, that's incredible. How did you do that? What's the... And you had the end of your movie

and you'd be like, yeah, I just thought of that. And I'd be like, awesome. You thought I would just be impressed and not really try to like... Impressed. That's exactly the word that I was wanting.

Yeah. I thought you'd be impressed. You... So me saying something like, I'm really impressed by you, Blumenfeld. Good work on this, buddy. That's like...

I might grab that sound bite and use it at the top. I thought you might. Yeah. Just like kind of sprinkle it throughout. Say that again. I'm really... I don't want to anymore.

I feel like if you can't find that one sound bite and edit it in... Oh my God. I gave it to you super clean. Yeah. I was just afraid that like... Because I'm holding a LaCroix

and like some of that tab will come in. That's when you were doing it. I feel like at the end of the day that is fine. Because you said it. I did say it. My mic specifically.

Yeah. I slate that track. And then you can have it. So I'll be like, I thought of a musical. Because remember the theme song that started this whole thing? Yeah.

The whole New World thing? That was awesome. So I might edit it to be like, I'm coming up with a musical too. That's easy. And then you'll say it again. That's awesome, Blumenfeld. I'm really proud of you, bud.

I'm impressed. I'm impressed by you, bud. Okay. Yeah. I'm impressed, Blumenfeld. That's really awesome. Don't give me direction on it. I'm not going to say it again.

All right. Cool. That's really cool. Shit. It's time for a break. Wow. I forgot any questions. I forgot that we have a podcast.

Yeah. It's called If I Were You. It's the only advice podcast on the internet. Hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. We're going to thank some sponsors. Be right back with many questions

right after this. Peace. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake.

Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day,

but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

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in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos

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Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation

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And it's extra affordable. So that's betterhelp.com if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Hey, Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's an unsolicited advice.

What a stinger. I love it. I do. I have some unsolicited advice. What is it? In the last year, I have been getting the best nights sleep of my life.

And you owe it all to Nyquil. I take four pills an day. Drinking myself into a drunken stupor and passing out on my lawn. What is it? Sleeping mask. A sleeping mask. Or a sleep mask.

Or a night mask. Or something. A specific kind? Do you steal one from an airplane or you buy like the legit ones from Amazon? That's how it started. I had one. I think it was actually from our Air New Zealand flight.

And I was sleeping somewhere where there was just like no shades, a lot of light coming in. I was like, you know what? I've got this like sleeping mask in my backpack. I'm going to give that a shot. And I like slept through the morning. And I slept very soundly.

And then I was, I just slowly sort of started experimenting. Like maybe even in my room at home where I like have shades and it's dark enough. Like I'll just sleep better. And it's true. Like I sleep. My question is like.

I sleep through the night like 90% better than I used to. My question is when you go to sleep, it's already dark out. So why does the night mask help? It makes it pitch. It makes it really black. So like the darkness of your room is not dark enough to fall asleep.

Or is it about the morning when it gets brighter in there? For me, I think it's both. I think there's like moonlight can come on. Or moonlight, moonlight doesn't come on unless. That actually reminds me of another song in my play. Oh, really? We'll show it. So the moonlight creeps in sometimes.

And that prevents you from going to sleep? Well, like, you know how if you lie in your bed, if you turn off the lights, your eyes sort of slowly adjust and your whole room looks a little like blue-gray. Yeah, your pupils grow and it lets the small amount of lights in. Right.

So the sleeping mask prevents even that. So like, I don't know, I just sleep better through the night when I wear the mask. I think it's because of the darkness. But maybe it's just because of the nice pressure on my head too. Yeah, you start to get used to it. Because I tried a sleeping mask once

and it felt like someone was pushing against my head and in the back of my head and I didn't like it. I keep my strap pretty loose. And they also make sleeping masks where they have like... Strapless. They make like two loose cucumbers. Yeah, raised eye areas for them so it doesn't feel like anyone's pressing on your eyes.

What about like little suction cups? So you look and go... and then it goes over one eyeball and... over another. So your eyelids are open but the eyes are getting moisture and the opacity of the stickies is greater than that of your eyelids.

Oh, so it's like contacts that are just pitch black? Mm-hmm. Interesting. Would you be curious to try that? I guess? No. Yeah, I didn't think so. Yeah, I don't think so at all.

Because it's not very comfortable. Yeah. What about your plugs? No, I never fuck with your plugs. What about white noise? I never fuck with that either. So you're just... you're purely like a visual darkness kind of guy.

Yeah, maybe I have like a light sensitivity. I definitely wake up with the light and usually I can like toss and turn and fall back to sleep for like 15, 20 minutes here and there. But with the eye mask, I just sleep full nights all the way through. No, I don't even get up to pee anymore. Are you a little disoriented when you wake up like at 8 a.m.

and then you're like, oh, it's still pitch black and then you lift up your thing to see what time it is? Sometimes when I'll do... And you lift it up, you don't know if it's dark yet or if it's light out or not? I'll set my alarm

and then like when it goes off, I press snooze but I remove my eye mask and I sort of let myself like slowly wake up and take in the light. I see. But yeah, it wouldn't be super easy to go from like alarm, wake eye mask off straight into the bathroom. But I'm also trying another piece of advice that I have

is just that I'm trying to get up earlier. What is that about? I guess I feel like we've been busy lately. So if I like set my alarm for seven and I like get my breakfast and get coffee then and start answering, like just try to answer emails before work starts. I just feel like I'm...

I'm more productive with my day. Are you going to sleep earlier? Yeah, I guess. I've been going to bed like 11, getting up at 7. That's up plenty of sleep. Yeah. And what were you doing before? Before I was going to bed closer to midnight,

waking up at like 10, 30, 11, getting your 11 hours in. I would like go to bed at midnight, wake up at like 8, 30, almost 9 and then like rush through the morning, try to get to the work, fight and rush hour. Oh, interesting.

So this was self-imposed. You're going to be like, I'm getting up at 7 a.m. Yeah. And so far, so good. Yeah, but it hasn't been that long. What about the weekend? Weekend, I'm not...

I'm going to put the eye mask on and just dive myself. Oh, baby. 41 hours straight. Motherfucker. Eye mask. Eye mask will improve your sleep and it's goddamn sleep good.

All right. There you have it. Eye mask. Should we get to a fucking question for Christ's sake? I want to talk more about your film. Oh. Oh, the musical that I'm writing. Well, I thought you already wrote it.

Exactly right. I actually wrote it right in front of your very eyes. No, we got to answer some questions. Otherwise, people are going to yell at me. All right, ready? Yeah. This one is written by a lady. Let's call her Chris Anthemum.

Okay. She's the female lead in my play about a house. Nice. Recently, my boyfriend of five years was helping me fill out this online form and it asked when I was born. He asked me when my birthday is and as I give him a strange look,

assuming he's joking, he insists and says July 5th and I said, no, July 20th. I ask him whose birthday he's thinking of and he says it's his brother's. Well, cut to two months later and he asked if I want to meet his family for dinner to celebrate his brother's birthday.

I told him that he told me his brother's birthday was on July 5th, not September 12th and he said he got confused and said his friend's birthday is actually July 5th. The point of all this is that months ago I checked out his ex-girlfriend's profile on Facebook for the hell of it. For the hell of it.

It said her birthday was exactly right. July 5th. Yeah. What the fuck is he actually remembering his ex's birthday still after we've been together for five years and he couldn't seem to remember mine? Also, I went to his friend's Facebook page

to see if there was matching birthdays were a coincidence but he didn't have his birthday listed. His ex and him used to be married for a few years but it ended badly in her cheating in a big divorce and he says that he hates her guts but I don't know, I just find the whole situation odd. What would you two dudes make of it? Love chrysanthemum.

Man, chrysanthemum. She went snooping. Do you remember your ex-girlfriend's birthdays? Yeah, all of them. No, not all of them. All of them? Not all of them. Start listing them off.

Sure. God damn, I couldn't even come up with the fake name faster. Nancy's was February 29th. She was a leap year baby. But yeah, I remember, I think I could remember most of them. Yeah. Yeah, because they're ingrained. They're so important that if you're a formative youth

and this guy was married to his girlfriend, you better believe he's remembering the birthday. I feel like the problem lies not in that he remembers it even though she sort of makes it like, why is he remembering? Yeah, how dare he remember? Can't work with a memory. But she's like, what he really did was not know hers and replace it with the ex.

It's like akin to calling out her name. In bed. Her ex's name in bed. Yeah. I mean, of course this is not a big deal. It's an honest mistake. I mean, once he found out when you were like, why do you think it's July 5th?

Of course he's going to lie. He did the right thing when you lied about that. He was afraid that you'd go snooping. He was afraid that you'd have exactly this reaction. I also like when she's like, when I went to see if it was a coincidence, his birthday wasn't listed. So you didn't find out. It still could be July 5th.

Yeah, your boyfriend knows his birthday even if it's unlisted. But this is like the kind of rare question where we know the truth. He confused it with his ex-wives. Yeah, not even ex-girlfriend. Yeah. And he thought it was yours. And that's too bad, but it's definitely fine. Yeah.

It is 100% fine. It's more fine than realizing that there was a day in his life where he swore to God he would be with another woman forever because he loved her so much. That's what would eat away at me, not the birthday thing. I mean, this guy's been through some shit though too. He had a messy divorce with his wife cheating on him. And then she's going to come at him and be like,

you didn't forget her birthday. He's like, I can't forget her birthday. Wah! Wah! He's de-aging before her very eyes. Wah! He turns into a baby. I guess it's harder because his wife cheated on him

so you can be like, oh, he's still obsessed with her. In his perfect world, they're still married. But the wife, by the way, who cheated on him opened up the possibilities for you guys to be together. So if anything, you owe this wife, you should celebrate her birthday. It's a monumental occasion. That's your new anniversary.

Whether you like it or not, July 5th, it's not only your anniversary, but it's your birthday. You have to take your boyfriend's ex-wife's birthday. You write into our podcast, We Give You a New Birthday. You think it's misogynistic to take your husband's name? How about taking his ex-wife's frickin' birthday? How's that for archaic? Birth year, too.

That's right, you're a different age of yourself now. You're the new wife. And her name, too, if you keep writing it. Yeah, don't worry about it. Don't sweat it and stop snooping on her frickin' Facebook page. That's fine, you can do that, though. Okay, that's fine. You can do that, though.

All right, here's another one. Ooh, this one's also marriage-related. Nice. And about ex-girlfriends. That's a good theme. This guy will call him Garagio. Nice after the garage character in your movie. The moon character.

That's kind of an ironic twist. It's not ironic twist if you just take what I say, flip it around just so you can make me wrong and seem interesting. It's not ironic, it's small. Garagio, the moon writes, I feel like if changed and grown a lot in the last years, I've grown and changed a lot, he should say, I'm totally in love with my fiance.

I just feel as though this guilt could manifest as a dark cloud in my conscience and keep me from being the best husband I could be to her. Thanks, love you guys. P.S., will you be coming back to D.C.? Love, Garagio, the moon. I'd like to go back to D.C. Okay, that was a good show. This is weird, right?

He wants to ask for forgiveness, but feels like it is kind of weirdly cheating because he's reaching out to an ex so that she likes him more. Oh, I didn't get that that's why he was asking if it was okay. What else is it? I mean, I guess I personally am just like, if you mistreated this person, you want her forgiveness so you can feel better.

All of this stuff is about him, it's all me. I don't even care if she responds. I was mean and now I'm nice, so I want your forgiveness so I can move on with my life. That's like one more mean thing that you're going to do to her. Although what if she was mean and then she got away from him, they broke up and now she's moving on with her life and then he just comes barging back in and he's like,

can I have forgiveness before I get married? Thanks! Or the other way to think of it, if a lady was really mean to you for years and you're like, wow, that person is really mean and then she reached out to you in four years and was like, by the way, I'm really sorry for how terribly I treated you. It was my fault. Wouldn't you feel a little bit better?

Maybe so. But I wonder though, like, I think that that's like a more... I think that if you want to apologize just because you think it would make her feel better, like if you want to just say, if you're not looking for forgiveness, you're looking to just tell that person that you're sorry

if you're looking to apologize, then that's a little more palatable to me than for being like, I just want this person's forgiveness before I move on. Are those two different things? Can you apologize without asking for forgiveness? Yes, and I think that's the way you should always apologize. You say, if you say, I'm sorry,

I always thought that I was asking for forgiveness, but it's not. You have to say, I'm sorry, and I'm asking you for forgiveness. Yeah. I mean, usually you... I want you to forgive me if you need something out of that person.

Right. So sorry is one way. Forgiveness is when it comes back to you. What you need to do is offer an unqualified apology. But then I also think if you're only worried about, like, your dark past manifesting in your current relationship, that you're at least being, like, self-reflective enough to, like, to just be a good guy to your wife moving forward

and you don't necessarily have to, like, reach out to everybody who you wronged when you were young and didn't know how relationships worked. Do you tell the wife, or is it best that she doesn't know that you're asking for forgiveness from an ex-lover that you treated poorly?

Oh, I definitely lie about that. What? I would definitely not tell nobody about doing that. Yeah, yeah, man. Put it in my closet of other secrets and lies. Hide that shit from my loved ones. They can't know that about me. No, no, no.

Yeah, who are you? I'm going to put it in their eyes. I was a nasty little Cajun boy. That's right. And I need forgiveness. Please. Oh, no, no, no. I like to be held in high regard,

but I don't say love me. I cannot put a sleep mask over my heart and let the light turn off so that I can sleep easy. Oh, I don't think so. I will not get a non-fitful night rest for the past transgressions that I have not received forgiveness for. The demons, they do attack me in my sleep

and while I'm awake. Otherwise, you wouldn't call me Grifu. Oh, that's how my move ends. Nice. I actually like it now. So you're saying if they do it, don't tell your lady. Yeah. And I also don't think you should do it for forgiveness,

but instead do it for that person's solace while thinking about it and asking yourself if they really need solace from you or if they moved on and are happy and you're just doing it for yourself. Is this what that song is it too late now that he's sorry means? Oh, I think he's trying to win that person back

because he says I miss more than just your body. That's good. You miss your tits too. That's part of the body. Really? Yeah, of course. I always assumed it was two different things. I thought the heart was actually akin to a tit.

Single tit for heart. One for one. So when I tell someone I miss their kind heart, I'm talking about their rat. Af-rat. All right, that was it. Two questions, but I think we really got into the meat of it. We discussed your sleeping mask for way too long.

Yeah, that was definitely the meat of the pot. It really burned a lot of minutes on the day. Fair. But if you feel shortchanged, we actually posted a bonus Thursday episode last week, which was our Vancouver show with Thomas Middleditch. Correct. So go check that out for some more yuck yucks.

And hey, don't forget to buy a ticket to see us in Amsterdam. June 4th. And Dublin. June 10th. Oh yeah, June 10th. Yeah. And you can't see us in London if you don't have a ticket anymore. That's right, we sold out.

Sold out. That was our fastest selling show. It's going to be a freaking party festival. Yeah, so actually call the light, what is it? Leichester? Leichester? Leista. Leista?

Leistester? Leistester? Whatever it is, call the theater and demand that they release more tickets so you can sit on the floor and we have a fucking rage fest. Say, I'll pay a thousand quid even if I can sit on the stage facing away from Jake. Yeah. Or just fly to Dublin like we're going to do after the London show. How much can it be?

It's like a what, $30 Ryanair, quick jaunt up to Dublin town, spend the weekend getting to know your Irish neighbors and come to our show on Sunday June 10th. But fly in on Saturday because I'm going to be raging my ass off at Copper's. It's been a minute. It's been a year and a half. We go there and it's just a brunch restaurant now. No.

I'm still getting it trashed. What happened to Copper's, man? Well, Copper's hasn't been here in 55 years. It turns out I burned it down. That's quite right. All right. Thank you for everyone who's mailing in your theme song submissions, your questions, and your podcast art.

We got some good ones. Podcast art. We're looking for new podcast art. Send them all to ifirishow at gmail.com. The opening theme song, again, was written the whole new gourd by Cam, Cam, Aladdin. Sorry. Let me look it up. Aladdin theme.

Oh, Cam and Tom. And this closing one was written by Cullen. So thanks, Cam and Tom. Thanks, Cullen. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Ciao. Peace.

That was a hate gum podcast.