If I Were You - 328: Birthday Sex

Episode Date: May 7, 2018

In this episode we discuss anime, racism, and birthday sex! Also, if you're in Amsterdam, London, or Dublin, come see us in June!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Let's leave America and go Through the magic land of Tokyo But I don't know if it's what I should do I know just who I'll talk to Take it a mirror Waku waku no Go go yeah

Waku waku no Should I move to Japan Home of the root, home of the root Home of the root Go to Japan So what else? Mami Tsubanashi Go ahead

Oh Nani, oh Nani, oh why Please help me out, you two Jews I like basic social cues Muff me on your shirt If I were you Wow, holy guacamole Holy cowah That was a theme song about a guy that really loves anime and manga

Writing to see if he could should move to Japan I think that was the story of the song Not the actual artist who worked on it Which was this guy Michael and his friend Jace Who are working on a podcast called Musical Myths Oh shit But the podcast doesn't exist yet Okay

Did you realize that that was like an anime manga thing? Yeah You did? I did It's cool that somebody finally finally made us a theme song in the One of the styles that I'm super passionate about Which is manga and anime You're not passionate about those things

No, I haven't mentioned it on the show before Just cause it's I keep a little I try to like put off this air that I'm like A basketball and sort of math I've seen you like only watching basketball But when I go home it's exclusively time for anime, manga Say one other Anime, manga and then just one other type of cartoon

You want to know what manga is? No, I want to know one other anime, manga Manga basically there's like there are the These comics that were created in Japan In the late 19th century That's what manga is if that's what you're wondering That wasn't, did you just Google it? No

Shut your computer and say something else about manga Manga, alright You're clearly reading Manga has a term used outside, refers to comics I'm closing my computer right now Published in Japan You read the first half of the sentence So intently at your computer

Lowered the computer and then finished Do you want to know the difference between anime and manga? I don't but you haven't, that hasn't stopped you So far during this conversation So One second, I'm trying to rack my freaking brain You're not trying to rack your brain I see you perusing an article

Other magazines You're clearly reading Wikipedia Yeah You said yeah So now you just admitted it Anime You've gotten so lost in this live That you've just started reading it

I mean I don't think so You're gaining cursory knowledge of manga And you're trying to pretend like you're an expert at it Anime news network You can't even You bish Now you're studying and still saying bad things

Yeah, because the problem is I've been doing like a file find for my brain And it's like pulling up basically like Why don't you shut your computer and see if you can focus on how much you like Why don't you shut your mouth and I'll tell you about anime This is, you get so defensive and so contentious The style of hand drawn computer I don't care what it is anymore I care about what you're doing and our communication breakdown

Which is clearly, it's making our partnership suffer at this point Yeah No, I was just gonna say that The word anime comes from You were gonna say what? Animation That's the most obvious fucking I don't know a thing about anime

And I could have said that Wow You really don't You think it makes a good podcast when we argue like this? I think it's interesting how much I know about manga You don't know anything about manga You've demonstrated that I know stuff about anime and I know stuff about manga

Now, I honestly have to go to the bathroom And I'm taking my phone with me Because I'm so upset And when I get back, you can ask me anything about my passion Honest, I could give you a full day and I'll ask you a question about manga or anime What's the most popular anime cartoon? Wow Give me a couple cartoons in the anime style

This is gotcha journalism You're asking to be asked about it Yeah This is what you wanted What's the question? You said name an anime cartoon Anime the Japanese style of animation That anime?

Yes, that anime You're an expert on that You said that you knew everything there was That I could ask you anything about it Yeah And so far, all you've been able to do is loosely define it What was that one? That was like a fucking breakout hit

It was like If it's a breakout hit, you should be able to know it Something moon Something got lost in the moon That's really close I'll almost give it to you for this Really? But the fact that you could only come up with half of Sailor Moon

Sailor Moon For example Don't shout it now like you thought of it Yeah, Forever Moon, Sailor Moon That Forever Moon was not one Give me one other, but then we really have to move on You want me to tell you one? No

You just said One other question about anime Okay, who's the most... Give me... I can think of a question Just name another anime cartoon, I guess I feel like we already covered that This is covered ground

Okay, fine Where did it originate? Oh, China You are insane You suck Okay, relax, relax, relax We're all having fun here No, we're not

We each have hobbies I'm having a miserable time You do the dungeons You don't have a hobby Your hobby was that you knew about anime But that was a lie Because you didn't know anything about anime Yeah, anime

Oh, remember that song that goes Eat the cake, anime Said, eat the cake, anime I'm nice I guess Drunken love So why do you think that makes you know anything about anime? Well, that's just another example of it

No, it's not Okay That's an example of it being referenced in pop culture It's clear now you're in a sour mood And I get that Because you don't have the same Are you into hentai porn? Is that what it is?

I think anime porn That type of shit Is hentai the porn? I actually am not sure Is hentai the porn? And anime is the non-porn? Yeah So if you're seeing like an octopus fuck

A Japanese A schoolboy Yeah That's probably hentai That's hentai Yeah Are you anti-hentai? No, I'm pro-hentai

It sounds like you might be only into hentai Unless so into the anime I'm into botai Not really into manga I'm anti-botai as pro-hentai Really? Yeah Why are you anti-botai?

It just feels like it chokes me Whereas hentai releases me So yeah, that's porn You are jerking off to that hentai Yes, yes Specifically the octopus one Where he's eating out whatever An animated person

I don't even want a gender quality The octopus has eight different tentacles And it's using its tongue to go down on somebody And you would not believe And you would not believe Where the octopus is just letting all of his All of his phalanges go to waste It's a famous photo

That I'm looking to get made From my bedroom Like framing it? Exactly Rice You're a liar This is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us

I'm Amir, aka Chaz No And you? I'm Jake And you're not Chaz Alright, well This actually is a perfect segue Into the first question that we have

Which was written to me By someone we'll call Manga We'll call? We'll Nice We'll call Yeah

Manga We'll call like you got a ticket to it No It's the subject is Is my girlfriend racist Dot dot dot Against me? Oh

I've been going out with my GF For three months now Starting to take a little And it's starting to get a little serious And it's going great except for one thing Every now and again She says a remark about me That makes me think

Hey, that's kind of racist I'm a pretty handsome And jacked half Asian fellow And she'll often say things like You're so good looking for an Asian Or the first time we got together She told me My friends couldn't believe

I got with an Asian guy But then I showed them your photo And they were like Oh I've talked to her about it And she is just like I'm not usually attracted to Asian guys Which I guess is fair

And she wouldn't be going out with me If she was racist I guess my question is Am I being paranoid Or does my girlfriend suck P.S. attached a topless photo of me To prove that I'm jacked This is his photo

He is jacked Yeah, he's very jacked Wow He's a hot guy Yeah I mean it's just He's huge Obviously for an Asian

Everything we're saying is technically for an Asian So Do you think Manga has a point here? Is this girlfriend racist? Yeah That was racist thing to say It's racist I mean you're hot for an Asian

And my friends thought That I would never hook up with an Asian Guy Then I showed a photo of you Yeah And they were like I'm like I'm less

I'm more confused about like I'm not usually attracted to Asian people Because that sounds racist But then like It's not really racist to say like I don't usually like Mexican food Yeah Like I don't

I think that's I do think it's racist I guess I'll say it's casual racism And I think the other It's not like X is bad It's like I'm usually not attracted to X Yeah I think

I'd love to talk to An expert on that But The You're attracted for an Asian Is definitely racist Yeah Because it's like

Most Asians are unattractive Is the subtext to that Yes And as an Asian myself Because Israel as you know Is technically in Asia I didn't know that I find great offense to that

Wow You're Asian That's right You're pretty attractive For Anyone So you're not racist You're just mean to me

You're pretty attractive For you I guess I say you're attractive for anybody And all the people in the world That's really humanist actually Really You're saying most people are ugly

Yes Would you say the average person is average Or the average person is ugly I guess the average person is ugly And even to me The hottest people are ugly Yeah How's that

Well I think humanity is despicable Do you think there's an example of a hot person I can see where your brain is going I already know what you're going to say You think you're the only hot person I mean I'm pretty cute Exactly I think I'm hot

Hell yeah I think I'm hot You said hot people are ugly Because all of humanity is bad Well I'm fine I asked you The hottest person was I'm good And I saw you stare with a content face

On your head And like Trying to figure out the most tactful way To say that you're the hottest person It's weird to bring up But yeah I think I'm the hottest guy in the world I agree it is weird to bring up

And I feel like I shouldn't have to say that That's not on me You shouldn't and you couldn't say that I think it's nice that other people think that And obviously I'm not going to be like Hey Hey you're crazy

They don't think they are I think they're crazy If someone thinks that Which they don't When I walk down the street And people are like There goes the best looking guy in the world I don't like

Never Or my ball cap And be like Don't talk to you You're wearing a hat I'm nice You're wearing a hat And you think that

I take a selfie With Zura Any of the people that think I'm the best looking person in the world And that's what they'll say Well because we're like-minded in that So we have a strong bond And a kinship

Performed right off the bat So the thing that you have in common With some fans of yours Is that they both think That you're the hottest person We all think that I'm the hottest person in the world And then

It's also nice to agree That they're ugly to me And to themselves And to others And I don't think We need to get into The weeds on this too much Of course

But everyone on Earth Coming across as crass Everyone on Earth Is ugly except for you That's where I was going I wouldn't have said it In exactly those words You weren't going there

You were already there I wouldn't have said it Exactly like that You already have said it Exactly like that You made it a little uncouth No I did not You did make it a little uncouth

Me talking about it I think everyone is ugly In the world Except for me And I think I'm really hot And if that makes me a shitty guy It does That attitude is specifically shitty

Because you're not giving anyone else Even like an average quality You're saying they're all bad And you're really really good If I could finish Because I think that like You might actually come To see this

From my perspective I was just going to say If that makes me a shitty guy Then I don't give a fuck And you can fuck off Which is like kind of In a vacuum That's a cool confident statement

But the way you're saying it now Makes me think that you're a bad guy So on a scale of 1 to 10 Everyone on earth is a 1 No I would never And okay That's where I miss I think they're a 1, 2 or 3

3 max I'll pour Yeah And then I'm a 10 Would you say there's a situation Where maybe you're not perfect You're a 9 or an 8

Because of your personality Or something that you would change About yourself That's a cool question I like that question But no Maybe are you talking about Just like

You didn't consider it Or personality But well definitely personality Because you're talking like You guys hold Personality there Are days when I haven't had My coffee

And I'll start at like a 9 No I'm a 10 then too You're not nice I'm always a 10 You're not nice Right Sorry And physically do you think

There's an area about yourself That you can improve Okay I have A pudgy waist And a big nose And crooked teeth Those are all negatives

So give yourself At least minus 1 for each No 10 No 10 Alright You're a 10

What about this guy His girlfriend's racist Low key But he should still have a conversation Yeah Because he's half Asian Imagine if he was a whole Asian How offended he would be

So you're saying You can still keep Yeah maybe she's doing it by accident She's not like a huge piece of shit And you have to dump her But she's acting shitty And you have to teach her That's really nice

Thank you That was very concise Would you say that makes me a 10? I would say that makes your answer a 9 Awesome And in terms of my looks 6 Oh my god

Just hearing it Just hearing it Let's give me a guy's name here A guy's name This guy's not half Asian How about freaking Trent What? Trent

Can you imagine The biggest size at Starbucks Oh man As a freaking name I'm gonna name my kid Trent That's cool Like Trent Dilfer Yeah

Hey guys My name is Trent Alright And I legit need some help I'm delivering pizzas for the summer And my manager at my store is a lesbian The not hot kind That's cool

She hired her girlfriend as the assistant manager She's deice My birthday recently passed And as the assistant manager was leaving the store She said quietly I could call her for birthday sex It's entirely possible she was joking But I look awesome

So I wouldn't she want a bone You know So On the night of my birthday I drank a bottle of Tennessee Honey Jack And in a browned out So much sugar In a browned out state

I called her at 209 Naturally She did not answer But I was informed in the morning That it woke both of them up The manager texted me asking like What the fuck And I said my friend took my phone

And was playing around I don't think they bought it Now my lesbian boss thinks I drunkenly Called her girlfriend at 2 in the morning Because I did And it's super awkward at work She thinks that because you did Yeah

She knows that She thinks the truth And knows it to be truth So What Should I do Love

Trent Trent Trent here got caught Dick-handed He browned himself out And he called his boss's girlfriend Yeah Boss's girlfriend made a

Salacious joke I think there was like something to the joke You don't think she would just Make the joke completely out of the blue Yeah, but I think if anything What was meant by the joke was That you can flirt with me And I'll flirt back

And our flirtatious relationship can grow Not actually call me drunk On your birthday and we'll have sex Of course So he took it too far What if it was a guy So his girlfriend Or his manager is still a lady

And the assistant manager is a dude And on his way out was like Hey, call me for birthday sex You think that would be him flirting with him Because this girl's also just Attracted to only female So maybe she thought of it as such an out of the hand You don't know that

Out of the possibility He says his boss is a lesbian But she has a girlfriend Her girlfriend could be bisexual Could be But so could a guy Yeah, so I guess it could be You're saying there's a chance

That she was completely kidding Not even joking a little bit Or not even serious a little bit Yes, but I think also It's such a weird joke to make That I think that there's a kernel of truth there You can call me for birthday sex What about a website where

People can sign up for birthday sex So like You could post a picture of yourself Like hey, my birthday is August 5th Feddy wants to give me birthday sex Sort of like a kickstarter Because you're not getting paid So it's not a money transaction

It's just like It's a donation Yeah, it's a volunteer prostitution type situation Where people are willing to fuck you On your birthday to make you feel better I dislike it And I do see that you signed up Yes, the square space is up

Wow I can has birthday sex.edu The hard part Was getting myself college accreditation Which took very long But I am an official university Called I can has birthday sex university You enrolled in DeVry for this

The edu My college is enrolled in DeVry So what should I do this guy ask? I think that there's a chance that You're just insecure because you know what you did But I think your life probably worked He said my friend Like I was drunk

My friend was pulling around on my phone And he called you He called the girl that said birthday sex Maybe the friend knew about the offer Right And now at 2.09 The horniest time 2.09 a.m.

The witching hour The thirsting hour The thirsting hour indeed Your friend took the phone And played a little goof around Fortunately he didn't leave a voicemail Fortunately it was just one call You have to buy the lie

It's not a lie if you believe it That's right Buy the lie So buy your lie Buy your lie lie lie lie lie Buy your lie Buy your lie Buy your lie lie lie lie

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Check them out Thanks BetterHelp And we're back It's time for some Oh, it's a lift to the fire Oh, I'm coming Gross My unsolicited advice

Is unsolicited advice That I took from someone And I honestly forgot who it was Because it was years ago And I read it on the internet Okay So I hoped if one day Figure out who it was again

But the unsolicited advice That I'm taking Using and passing on to you And the listeners Right now is Never correct anybody Think about that for a second Don't ever correct anybody

You do that all the time I know And I shouldn't You said you were going to You said you'd take the advice Imagine how many times I'm actually not correcting people Because either one

You're right And you come off as an asshole Or two, you're wrong And then you're just a jackass hole Yeah So you're either a jackass hole Or a regular asshole The hard part is

If somebody's like Yeah, I was there I got there at four And I left there like four hours later So at 9 p.m. Would you have the fortitude And you did not say Actually, it was 8 p.m.

Would you let it slide? Probably You have to be able to let it slide Even if it's like something So noticeable and quantifiable And it's obviously correct It's just hard for me to Square the circle of you

Giving this advice I don't have to Are you correct people More than anybody I know That's actually not true Yeah, I've been keeping tabs And somebody else Corrects people more

I thought that was interesting Never correct anybody You do feel Necess like you It's some sort of weird obligation Like if I'm like I was driving through the capital of Tennessee You know, Knoxville

I don't know what the capital is What is the capital? It's Knoxville Is it? No, I don't know Nashville? Alright, let's Here's a more blatant example

I was driving through the capital of California Davis Knoxville Yeah Do you have it in you To be such a big person That you don't say It's Sacramento

Because what is that I think it depends I feel like everybody has a threshold And there are people that have Very low thresholds Like you need to say it Nothing goes by me Yeah

Like who You mean whom? Oh yeah You mean Amir and I The Whom Nazis Like the little ones I think that's very annoying Because sometimes

I'm just like talking And somebody like corrects me Like Is that correct Or is it just a little different That was Like it's a detail It's so superfluous

It doesn't matter Or it's an opinion based one That's even worse Yeah But then like sometimes You're like Sometimes it could be dangerous You know, like

So I'm going the speed limit 95 Actually the speed limit 65 You're putting yourself at risk Yeah, I guess there are Excelsions to the rule Every rule has an excelsion I feel like there are times

When I go like the extreme Other way Like where I like Don't correct people And I inconvenience them Oh Where somebody's like Oh yeah, like my flight's at 3

So I should probably Leave at like 130 And I'll be like Yeah, that'll work That should work You'll be fine I'm like You should leave at 1230

And they're like Are you sure that should be fine And you're like Yeah, if that's what you think Like Yeah, I think it'll only take me 8 minutes to get to the airport Yeah

Is that true to you Correct me chicken So that's my piece of unsolicited advice I like that, yeah People will like you more If you are Never correct them If you don't admonish them

Never ever correct them We're going to Europe We deserve to say it Is now about a month away Let us not forget June 4th in Amsterdam June 6th in London Show is sold out

June 10th in Dublin Show is not sold out If you live in London And you wanted to see us But you can't Get on our flight From London to Dublin We should post that online

So we can turn it into Some sort of party Just post our flight Yeah, so like We're flying easy jet Or whatever That'd be really funny London to Dublin

This flight Join us Harass me Yeah Harass me and sass me Correct me And we could go straight from That plane

Straight to coppers The We could parachute out Yeah So from London Fly with us To Dublin Yeah

We go to coppers Then we do the show Hung over together on Sunday That's right So it's June 4th in Amsterdam June 6th in London And June 38th in Dublin And we'll be posting

Our flight information where To google.com All right, sweet Dickets For all those shows Ticket information is at Whether you show.com Or jaconamiers.com

jaconamiers.com What? Are you going to correct me? You made another website? I was just trying to mess up So you can correct me Ooh But that one would be

Important Yeah That's when I asked My low threshold All right Let's try to answer Some more questions here Oh, here's a good one

Go for it We'll call this guy Guy Nice Yeah We've definitely Called someone guy before, right? Yeah

For sure I learned something Kind of disturbing About a friend of mine Writes guy He's getting married In five months And just admitted

That when he and his Fiancé have sex She makes him Pull out And come on His own hand Even though She's on birth control

I understand Wanting to be precocious And everything But why are the Stomach or back off limits? Why must this guy Have to resort To coming in his own hands

After sex? This is just a meaning And I have no idea How someone could let things Get to this point I just want to tell this guy That this is not normal And it's a sign of bad things

To come But to be totally honest I really don't like this guy So why would I want To interfere with his Personal life? Still I feel like if things

Continue to go like this He could live The rest of his life Very unhappily If you guys were in his shoes Would you gladly take it Onto your own hands Or put this girl on blast

And if you were me Would you intervene Or let this guy Make what could possibly be A huge mistake Ta-da And seize the cheese love Guy

Alright, guy Nice eye, guy You're a bad guy I don't think he's a bad guy He's consulting us He hasn't done anything yet He's just learned something Personal

The fact that he even Thinks these things is bad Oh, so you're saying He's bad just for thinking it That's when you're really stuck There's nothing to meaning About coming into your own hand Like pulling out

And not coming on someone But what about the fact That she's making him Come on into his hand She's probably just saying Don't come on me So that's fine Don't come on me is one thing

But don't come on anything But your own hand Maybe he could come into the sheets Maybe he could come somewhere else But she's like, don't do that It really has to be your hand Well, then yeah If he doesn't have another solution

Then what? Then he comes in his hand But what if the girl is demanding The guy comes in his own hand Specifically No Kleenex No towel No sheet

No fowl No place on earth To come on my man But the slick little wrists On your rubbery hand Weird limerick If she is saying You cannot come

You cannot come on my back You cannot come in my crack In my rack You cannot come On my box You cannot come on a box You cannot come there, Sam I guy

You cannot come there, Sam I am You must come in your hand Nice So I think Even that is still fine Because he doesn't have to have sex with her Dr. Puse

But like I don't think that that's where I don't think that that's what it is I think it's just somebody who doesn't like Seaman Who's saying don't come in me Don't come on me You figure it out

So he's coming into his hand Which is I guess the third best thing Which is still pretty good Have you ever done that? Come into my hand? Yeah Of course

I've never come onto my hand What? During sex Yeah I've never come onto my hand I'm sorry to hear that It's okay It's

So you're on this dude's side You think it's unacceptable He shouldn't have to come in his own hand I don't think it's unacceptable But I do think it's A little odd that the girlfriend is making him Come in his hand

She's not necessarily making him come in his hand We just don't know And I think that this is You can reasonably assume I want this guy to really delve deeper And I think it needs to be Via a prank call This is so far from

Okay What? You call the girl Not the guy Obviously the guy's gonna lie about it To protect his main lover So you call the fiance and you say Hey

This is women in the weeds We have a morning time radiation in Kansas City We have a wacky, wacky, wacky question for you Click Hello? Alright Holy shit How'd she know?

That's fair Wacka wacka Uh Uh I honestly thought that would work Call again Alright Alright

This is a repairman Do you come in your hand? And why? Um I guess the answer either way is Don't intervene Don't correct anyone It's not

Oh, there we go Don't correct him It's also a guy that you don't even necessarily like So what's the pressure here? I mean, if anything This is something you would do to someone you didn't like This is not behavior that is becoming of a friend I don't think

Oh, so because you don't like him Then you can find out Get to the bottom of it Like some sort of perverted Robin Hood Try to write this wrong You're a vigilante of yourself I mean, the friend Like he didn't necessarily say like

She makes me come in my hand And I don't like it And I wish I didn't have to And it makes me sad Like then it's worth being like Well, you should talk to her about that You should have a conversation If he came to you looking for advice

Then say Then encourage them to talk But if he's just like Yeah, the sex is great I come in my hand High five Uh, then it's not a big deal you're saying I don't think it's a big deal

Regardless Uh, alright, so Would you gladly take it onto your own hands Or put this girl on blast It sounds like gladly take it onto your own hands And if you were me, would you intervene Or Were we all saying no

No Don't intervene Uh, another question Oh yeah Let's get to it Number four Hell yeah Good team

Uh, it's from another guy Oh yes, let's go Uh, we'll call this guy Mississippi Because he's moving to Mississippi The capital of Mississippi Of course, is Mississippi City USA

Way to go Jackson Hey guys, I could really use some advice I'm moving to Mississippi in the fall for a graduate school And my girlfriend is going to come with me And we're going to get a one bedroom apartment together The problem is My girlfriend is trying to get into dental school

And she's been waitlisted at her Plan B school And won't know 100% whether she is rejected or not Until the fall I'm trying to plan a life for us And I really need to know if she's in or if she's out I've voiced my concerns and she's made it very clear to me That if she gets into her dental school Uh, and that dental school invites her in the last minute

She's going to accept their offer And leave me stuck with a crazy expensive rent In a one bedroom apartment If she isn't going to be in Mississippi with me I would rather live with a roommate than alone But I might end up getting stuck in a really bad living situation She bails on me last minute What do I do?

Do I insist that she make up her mind prior to the move So that I can plan my living situation accordingly? We've been together for almost three years And we agree to do long distance if she ends up going to dental school In a different state this year Love Mississippi Well Mississippi, this is a very self-centered question Well Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi

I hate to come at everybody in this episode, but cry when he What are you going to tell him? I don't think it's fair that he's like making his girlfriend's Dental school plans take a back seat to his plans He's making her conform to everything that he's got in the In the docket or in the tank or in the whatever it is The plan, the agenda, the calendar, the cards The problem is she's saying don't get a roommate yet

So he can be like, alright, why don't we just plan on not living together If you get into your dental school, that's good If not, you'll get a one bedroom by yourself I think it's then she's inconveniencing him Yeah, I think that this is an inconvenient situation But I don't think that she's inconveniencing him Because he could also be inconveniencing her He's moving to Mississippi before she finds out about dental school

So she's like It's not fair to be like, what you've done is inconvenienced us What's happening is inconvenient to both of you And it just happens to be going through her because of her dental school But it also, I mean, look at it from her perspective She's waiting to hear if she got into dental school She's hanging, she's finding out where it is And then there's like her boyfriend just finds out that he's got to go to grad school

And he has to move to Mississippi and he has to do it now That's inconvenient to her So what's the best way to go around this? What's a win-win or at the very least an equal lose-lose situation? Well, first of all, come on, don't be a dentist After that You're an orthodontist Periodontist

So I study gums, mum Here's what you do, I think You go short-term, sublet At your place or Until you get a one-bedroom together Either way, you can go a vacation rental, like a short-term roommate situation Where you can either potentially extend or move out and find your own place Or a longer-term roommate if she gets into dental school

Or if you find out that she did not get into dental school or got into dental school in Mississippi Then you can get the place together But you need an interim living solution A short-term rental situation So you do short-term Airbnb style month-to-month shit until she figures out her shit A sublet And then you do the permanent solution How much can a one-bedroom in Mississippi cost?

$4 a month and a can of beans It's so, literally, it's so stupid down there that I wouldn't be surprised if they paid Honest to God with beans, like I was joking earlier I'm on Craigslist right now You are on Craigslist, I can see your wallet You have black beans, kidney beans There is a refried bean face I'm hoping to God to make the big move

You only have beans To Oxford, God willing You don't have cash, you have beans Have you ever had to find a roommate? I fortunately avoided that I've always lived with friends or loved ones I've never Craigslisted it up Yeah, I've never had to find a roommate that I did not know

There was a time where I thought I might But I was looking for single places to live and roommate and shares at the same time And I ended up without a stranger roommate God, what a scary situation that is Have you ever sold anything on Craigslist? The people you meet on there are just the bizarrests I sold a whole bunch of people You've sold people?

I sold people I sold two people I sold Craig No, no, no, I didn't sell people I sold two people There's two people, Max Fine, I sold three people That's still people

I sold things to people on Craigslist Can you imagine living with them? You helped me move the couch with one of those people Excuse me? Remember when we moved the couch from my house to that guy's house? He was nice That was your cousin No, no, no, he was from Craigslist

What the fuck are you talking about? Oh, wow, you're throwing up I moved the couch into his fucking house, man And what? You made me tell a guy to fuck your sister or something I think I'm gonna be sick I think you ate too many beans I ate 40 beans

I ate a 40 bean salad earlier That's actually not that many It isn't, and that's why I feel so anemic I think I need the fucking fiber or something about it Craigslist is a weird place I'd hate to find a roommate on it Which is why my other idea for a website is normalrumates.edu It's another school I'm starting

Why do you keep on starting schools? I feel like there's a lot of money to be had in educational institutions And I say this without knowing anything They don't have to pay taxes I'm fucking serious, I really think they don't I don't think they have to pay taxes, man I don't think they don't do taxes Let's start a fucking church, dude

I swear, man I want to run a nonprofit with you, dude Let's make a difference, dude I want to make a difference in people's lives, dude I just want to be a positive example I want people to look up to me as a role model, man I'm serious, dude, search, man Let's make a change in the world

Be the change you want to be, dude I look in the mirror and I'm like, what did I do today To help society, sir I want to live in the light, man What? Yeah, dude, I want to live in the light What does that mean, dude? I want to stand in my truth, sir

Stand in your truth I've been doing self-help shit, sir Listening to books on tape on the way to church, man And I really think I could be the positive change That I want to see in the world, man Starts with the man in the mirror I'm sick of looking outward I got to look inward, dude

Oh, sir, dude, I'm going to get a pink ring, too, man What? So in addition to volunteering Starting a nonprofit you want to buy I also want a small jewelry, man Why small? What are you talking about? Pinkies aren't that big, dude

What? Pinkies aren't that big, dude You want a small little ring on a pink I want a small ring on my pinkie On my smallest finger, man How much does that get to cost you, man? A G, man A thousand dollars

You want to volunteer and send a thousand dollars On a small little pinky ring It might be the jewel, man What? It's going to be be bejeweled That's why it will be a thousand dollars, man As opposed to what? Solid gold, man

Solid gold pinky band Yeah, man Fuck you I'm not doing anything you suggested The change, the positive things Sir, dude, you're going off the rails, man Sorry about that You're right

Alright, let's volunteer Alright, four questions I think that was a solid work Solid app We can all be proud of this one This one's for the record books Yeah, this one's a good one This was a Hall of Famer

This one will go down in history As one of the most newest podcasts Of this week Yeah, for the next week This is by far our newest episode ever Wow Until the next one comes out For sure

And then it will fall to the second newest Which is still pretty good Yeah, top two And then who knows what happens after that It might be the top two forever Because I'm going to fucking blow my brains out On May 15th How's that?

The aides of May, bitch Actually, aides is the 14th of every month Wow Gotcha Alright, opening theme song was written by That man, the duo And this closing one was written by Claire Who made a sweet theme song for us

This is her second theme song for us Thank you Claire, she raps a shit ton in this one It's very exciting Oh She's actually a professional volunteer So how's that for apropos? You deserve a thank you, amen

That's serious, Claire So thank you, Claire Thanks to the man Thanks to you guys for listening Thanks for everybody that's coming to our shows In London, in Amsterdam, in Dublin Yeah And we will be back this time next week

Unless you're listening to this episode In the way way future In which case you can listen to a bunch of more episodes As soon as possible As soon as you want Sky's the limit Enjoy, have at it Do it, do it

Good night, good fight Good night, good week Yes, yes, yes We out Peace Peace Hey, so I have this problem And it's really embarrassing

I feel so confused And maybe turned on I need some help Can I talk to you about it, please? No Look, there are things for this Do I look like your mom or a therapist? Yeah, no living bear

And it makes you pissed Help you, no I won't But I'll offer this There's a show on Spotify Every Monday night Hosted by two guys I'll never ask for who's And only tell you why

Cause we're odd as fuck And extremely shy I can tell by your face You're upset But it's the only show on the internet By Jake and Amir That the best you had What the fuck is it called?

You've been told me yet Calm down, that is what I'm gonna do It's your headgum Called if I were you Type your questions up Send them to Then wait a year Till your email's viewed

Um, this is kind of urgent Sorry, good things take time