If I Were You - 33: Greater Britain

Episode Date: June 17, 2024

In this episode we discuss Premier League Football, premier travel destinations, and premier Hardly Working episodes.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Seconds Back in the lab again. The LA lab. I wasn't paying attention. Was that the good theme song or the mean theme song? Good. It was nice. Oh, that was the nice one. Yeah. Okay, yeah. I've lost the thread entirely as to which one we started with, where we ended up, and now we're back, and then we're back, and now it's just sort of all mumbled together. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

We need that innocuous one done, but we have to pay Ferris money every single time, obviously, so it's a funny bit. Ferris munchie, as in he wants the munchies. I don't know why he wants cash for work. He should do it for the honor of being on our show. I think because he has like a very specialized talent and he is taking his time.

Yeah. So he wants to be compensated for that time. Right. Just like any job. Yeah. I didn't think of it like that. I should have. Yeah.

I didn't think of it like that at all. Like doctors are also paid. Yeah, but not cash. Yes, not cash. But like most money is digital at this point. Right. Like you do work and then you see the number in your bank account go up. Yeah, that not cash. Yes, not cash, but like most money is digital at this point, right? Like you do work and then you see the number in your bank account go up. Yeah, that's weird Yeah, cuz like you're not even necessarily using that money. It's just like oh, I have a savings account

Now you have my you have some of my number and your number goes up Yeah, I'll have some of your number my yeah, like when you Venmo a friend. Yeah, it's just I'm eating a sandwich and I'm fucking baby birding it into your mouth. Yeah, you've been on me eight dollar All right, I have a hundred in my bed. I have 92 okay good. I have 108. Oh even mommy $20 Right now. I'm eight disgusting. It's just don't be it's disturbing. It's uncouth. It's uncool Just like let's just let's create a fake Venmo where the number goes up and down randomly actually I have this excuse fucking done. I had this idea for social media I Had this idea for social media where you have an Instagram that just says you have a million followers. Yeah, no one is there

Yeah, that's really close and your phone as soon as you hit post. No just explode this part Oh my god, you have a thousand likes in a minute. Social media, everyone is just chasing that feeling, but then you get lost in all of the toxic behavior and the mean comments. Just take that all off the table. No one is, it's all VR. No one's actually there.

It's augmented reality. You can make your lock screen positive notifications exactly that doesn't exist you know sometimes Oh, I'm not done Omg, you're so hot wow this looks like such a good time. Holy shit. How did you afford it? I'm not done. I know you're not you get a private change the subject Yeah, to stop your diet drive, and you're gonna go on a diet tribe no matter what I want to talk as much as possible Basically I feel like we're playing a game and the more I talk, the more I win.

Not unlike your social media idea. So the Venmo is fake, the Instagram is not real whatsoever. Everything is kind of fake anyway, but we are all playing at the same time, but we should just, everybody goes to their independent play. That's what, we're doing social play right now. Social play, I'm learning about social play and independent play for children and stuff.

What's the difference? Oh, like how much you can entertain yourself versus playing with others. Yeah, well my daughter's like not old enough right now for social play. So she's like. To like play with other people. Yeah, she doesn't know like if there's another baby

that they are playing. So she's just kind of experiencing independent play next to another baby, right? And what we're all doing we're all engaging in social play Yeah, but it's kind of not doesn't really feel like play anymore So because of what I'm doing or how I'm acting or like you're one of many like you're one of many I'm often thinking that it is I'm having my own conversation with myself Sometimes it's next to somebody that's talking

and sometimes you'll interject and say something. Exactly, and I don't have to listen because I'm glad. And it doesn't even have to be edgewise, it can even be right down the middle because the fact of the matter is, I am just writing a densely packed paragraph and you're trying to interject

or get into a little punctuation. But like the entire crux of the thick mound of the short, the amount of speech and dialogue that I have is so densely populated and then by the time you come in, it's like it's already too late. Argument, nice. Thank you for being here, by the way. This is Segments, my advice podcast. Sometimes it's just me, sometimes I got Jake.

You're more like advice podcast? Segments, your advice podcast. That's not even what the show is. I thought it was gonna be more like a therapy session. But I guess we're doing that. I do like that. I do like that a lot. We're doing the classic segment episode for today,

which is three segments. Each one's so different from the one before it. You'll get like emotional whiplash. Whiplash, yeah. You won't even be able to handle it. The first one is all about Venmo The first one will get you nauseous I'm actually kind of ill right now. Yeah, and then the second one is just a ginger ale nice

And then the third one is just completely separate. It's a game. It's like a fuck. Yes. It's a fucking orgy Yeah, I'm a guy in meets only fans. Oh my god. It's a fucking we'll be getting into purgine today It's a glory hole. That's right. It's a fucking will be getting into purgine today. It's a glory hole. That's right It's a glorious podcast is the glory hole of What does that mean you don't ever know what's going to come through the glory hole or who is gonna come on the glory hole The glory hole just a hole in a bat. Is it I don't know why are you asking me? Why do you think I fucking know all about, you know what a glory hole is.

You know what it is. The way I understand it is like, it's a hole in like a bathroom stall or like a little voyeuristic like peer into. Yeah. Did I just make up the bathroom part or do you also assume it was a bathroom? No, I think often it's in a bath.

You see them associated with bathrooms. I think they're also like clubs and stuff. Yeah. I think they've been around for a long time. They've definitely been, I think they were in the wild and now they've been appropriated into par. You're actually obsessed with glory holes. I'm not really, I don't, that's not my shit.

You're like an expert. I like having deep emotional connection during sex. But only for a short time. Independent play. Independent play. Or it's a social play. Yes, exactly, exactly right. But the impersonality of a glory hole is not hot to me.

That's awesome. Yeah. It's cool to hear you say that out loud. Thanks. Because I know for a while you struggled with your own sexuality with regards to... You're going to go off on a tangent again. Okay, I want to talk about London. Since we spoke last.

Yes. Since we recorded last in the New York studio, I went off to London. You did? Now we're back both in LA. And you know that I'm a bit of an Anglophile. Exactly. We had both been to London together. Yes.

But for whatever reason, this trip struck me as different than my previous trips. What was your last trip to London before this trip? Must've been like eight years ago. Was it when we went? Yeah, when we did like London and Dublin or something. Yeah, okay, so you had never really been there or hadn't been there in a while

since we've gone for like shows basically. Yes, exactly. All right, sweet. This was more of a generalized vacation. Got to explore a little more. Okay, this is what struck me and tell me if you agree or disagree. Okay.

One, the biggest change since when we were there last, London always was more expensive than America to me, but because of the hyperinflation we're going through, London now feels cheaper than New York and LA. Interesting. Which is completely backwards from normal. I remember when we used to go, it's like a sandwich was 10 pounds,

and I'm like, oh my god, that's actually $15 That's crazy. Yeah. Now that sounds really cheap right like wow only $15 for a sandwich or like I would go to a grocery store and I would just look and it's like Boxes of cereal are two or three pounds and I'm like this would cost eight dollars at this point Yeah, you can get a sandwich at a Tesco for like four pounds Wow, and it was like a pretty good sandwich because they only have to make it. They don't mass produce it for everyone. So it's like kind of a healthy-ish sandwich

for less than five bucks. That doesn't exist in America anymore. Yeah, I mean, I guess I didn't notice that because I didn't go to London during the inflation period. Like since everything cost $20 here, now it costs $15 there and that feels kind of cheap. That's interesting. Even coffee is like three or four pounds and like you get a fucking iced latte, now it costs $15 there and that feels kind of cheap. Even coffee is like three or four pounds and you get a fucking iced latte here and it's $7.

And that's before the tip. My coffee is like $8 every morning. It's so expensive. Insane, that's crazy. So London, and by the way, people in London complain that it's like the seventh most expensive city in the world and I guess we just live that it's like the seventh most expensive city in the world. And I guess we just live in like the number one

and three most expensive cities, so it feels cheaper. What about rent? Real estate. Real estate, yeah. Is that cheaper too? I knew you would ask about that. It's roughly the same. Okay.

Yeah, so it's still like $5,000 a month for a one or two bedroom. Yeah, okay. Depending on where you are. But yeah, just the cost of living there, and they're going through like a cost of living crisis, it is high in, I'm sure. But ours is more of an emergency. Yeah, ours is like even that to the tenth degree. So London feels cheaper than America. Cool. Biggest difference. Yeah. Two, there were so many people and things everywhere where like

even coming from New York, London felt like I would make a left and I would be like, you see this Chelsea Market overflowing with thousands of people. Then you go down the street, it's like old pub, people flowing out of the street. It's like 6th Street in Austin, like overflowing with people.

Then you go to like a movie theater, so many people. Then you take a bus 40 minutes and you're like at the theater district and there's just millions of with people. Then you go to a movie theater, so many people. Then you take a bus 40 minutes and you're at the theater district and there's just millions of other people. It's gotta be height of tourists. Was everybody tourists or was it just like, oh these look like? I think it was nice out for the first time.

So people just flocked. They're like, we gotta go outside and everybody just converged into the streets and into the restaurants and into the theaters and it just felt like come on mates There's only a four dollar sandwich over here Three dollar pints or whatever. I don't even drink and I felt like that's like half of the enjoyment of being outside Yeah

They'd have these pubs and then there would be like a velvet rope three feet from the entire Circumference of the pub and it would be densely packed like people like this like all like in a crowd Outside they're like, oh this is incredible, it's like 70 degrees out. They were so excited to drink outside of the pub together. So enormous, yeah. It felt like a new level of a video game, where I'm like, I know LA, I know New York,

and this is just, yes, but this is just like, so many crowds, inescapable, and unique, because it's like, it doesn't necessarily exist. Like there's pockets of it, like so many crowds, inescapable and unique because it's like, it doesn't necessarily exist. Like there's pockets of it, like you know some areas of Williamsburg are busy or some areas of LA like Hollywood are busy, but like this is just busyness everywhere.

Yeah, yeah. Even in New York you can like, if something is really busy you can just turn left and go down a few blocks and find some relief. No relief. That's wild. At least where I was. Yeah.

And I didn't even explore like 10% of London. I like stayed in my little neighborhood. What was your neighborhood? It was in between Shoreditch and Angel. And then we would go to like where the theaters are, which is like a different area, like sorta near the water, central London. Cool.

West End, I'm not really sure. Okay. Another thing that America has gotten bad with specifically LA, New York Everything is like now just like a sweet green and a blue bottle. Yes. There's no there's like the homogenization of Everything is an Amazon and a Whole Foods now because nobody could afford to like have like a unique storefront. Yeah in London They're still like I'm walking and it's like, oh, here's a camera store We sell film like that wouldn't exist in America anymore. Here's a Sri Lankan deli,

and we only do specific food. And it's like, that doesn't exist. I understand why the crowds were flocking. Yeah, that would be a Chipotle. That would be an Amazon. And how much was the Sri Lankan deli sandwich? $2 for a hopper. Wow.

Yeah, wow. $2 for a hopper. That is, I don't know why like two quid Mike two quid for a fucking thing I've never even heard of that wouldn't necessarily exist in America because I guess rent has gotten up so high to the point it's like you can only be a five guys a Shake Shack or a Sweet Greens to afford yeah I eat and I live at a dig in. Exactly. And if it was like, remember like in what Williamsburg used to be,

there was like a hat store. Yeah, yeah. And like the hat stores are gone now. Or like a camera store is a good example. It's like we sell like cameras, like Nikon and Fujifilm. Those are still around in London. Those don't exist in America anymore.

That's awesome. So whatever's going on there, like the capitalization, we're in like 10 years ahead mode. Yeah, so whatever is going on there like the capitalization We're in like ten years ahead mode and we're no no, they're heading there. Are we gonna they gotta be heading there? There was like bookstores there man. That's awesome a movie theater converted into a library that has like a membership in a pub and stuff Like that. Yeah, there's no way that's that's an AMC regal theater. It's a chain and it costs this much money to go. That's right. So everything in America seems to have

shot 20 years into this dystopian future. And London, even though it's still- Everyone eats the same sludge here. Yes. It's the bowlification of our society. Do you ever like- Acai or grains. Don't talk about acai. Acai is different. You still like acai. the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of The add-ons of like this would not be $2.50 if it was just in there. It's a scoop of peanut butter.

It's a scoop of peanut butter. That's the jar of peanut butter cost you're charging for the scoop. But I know that all these businesses aren't making a ton of money because their margins are very, very thin. Right, because the rent is also like $21,000 a month. Everybody's like raising their prices.

Imagine when we were working at CollegeHumor in the Park Avenue building, like going out and trying to find a bowl. No, there were no bowls. A grain bowl. There was, you could say. Honestly, it might be Chipotle. The burrito bowl might have been like

the forefront of bowl culture. Yeah, yeah, that's possible. And there was the just, there was the salads. There was the salads, yeah. The just salad or chopped. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, it's just, now it's just every single lunch. Asian bowl, Mediterranean bowl.

In even the unique places all have on their menu that most popular item, oh, it's the bowl. Yeah, you're gonna want a bowl. You're gonna want the bowl. It has to be a semi-sphere and it has to be $20. That's right. So that was what I was most blown away with, with London. I don't know if you've experienced that

or if people in London are sort of dealing with their own version of that so it feels like I can't believe, they probably can't believe that something is inexpensive there because they think it's like, you know, really expensive too and who knows. It seems like, I guess I don't really, I don't have a recollection of like

what my experience was last time, at least in regards to all those things. It didn't feel, I mean it was 2022, so it didn't feel crazy crowded, it didn't feel a lot cheaper. But I guess I didn't, I mean I always notice that I'm charmed by the stores and restaurants. Yeah, it's very old school,

in a way that doesn't really exist out here anymore. It feels like they're just a little more resistant to change over there than we are here. We're like down with change, especially change that makes our lives quote unquote easier. Yeah, simply. And if it like kind of conforms to capitalism. We're like, oh, that's cool.

Oh, that's not a shake shack. Yeah, franchise, yeah, great. Well, there's a Sweet Green everywhere and it's like $3 cheaper than going to another restaurant. Then all the other restaurants close and then Sweet Green is like, that's actually $19. Well, those other places are gone, so I guess I gotta eat here.

Yeah, I guess we're the last game in town so we can jack our prices up. Yeah. Should we move? Well, I looked into it and you can't. Yeah, they don't really let you live there. Interesting. Yeah, that's another way of them keeping us

dirty Americans out is that you have to have like a reason or a visa or like a passport to live there for an extended period of time. Interesting. Well, don't we have, we have at least a specific skillset. What is that? I wonder, because what can you do that nobody else can do?

What can you do at all, period? Improv comedy. Give me any word. Salad. Imagine a salad so green that they don't need that in London, I don't think. I wasn't even close to Todd. It seemed like you were struggling, okay.

Give me any words. Wafer. Wafer, wafer, wafer. It's a wafer, so green. So thin. So thin and so green. So waifish. Like a blade of grass.

So you actually looked into moving? That's very me of you. Yeah, I didn't look into moving, but when Abhital came back from last year, she's like, it'll be fun to split some time. And I'm like, can you even live in a different country? Turns out the answer is no. So like the, what is, tell me why the answer is no.

Tell me what you ran into. Immigration. They don't want just open borders and anybody can live there. Right, what's the max amount of time that you can do it without a visa? Months, yeah. Months, but you can't make money there.

You have to, like, a place has to sponsor you and bring you over and fill out paperwork. Interesting, so it'd be a lot of work. Yeah, or you can become a citizen, which takes years as well. What if my grandfather is from there? There are countries where there are little lacks about that kind of stuff.

That's tight. Yeah, I think like, maybe it was like Portugal, where it's like, if you can prove one grandparent was born here, we'll give you citizenship. So if you, wait, but also because of Brexit, so if I was a citizen of, say, Portugal, say if I dapped into my Portuguese roots. That wouldn't give you access to London.

That wouldn't give me access to London. Sorry, yeah. Interesting, interesting, very interesting. But maybe you could do Australia or something. Right, I haven't been there in a while. Maybe that's sort of like the London of, but a little bit more inclusive. But I don't know if you'd move to Australia either.

I mean, I would love to move to Australia. But I think, last time I was there, I think maybe because Jill was pregnant, it felt further away than it ever has. Yeah, especially from New York. Yeah, so I could just never ever get my head around the time zone. It's 17 hours either ahead or behind, I forget which one.

After 12 it's a crap shoot, you have no idea. I'm just like, okay, I guess I'll call Jill. Is it 4 a.m. or 4 p.m. there? Tomorrow. Is it her tomorrow, I don't know. London is as close as LA is it 4 a.m. or 4 p.m. there? Is it her tomorrow? I don't know. London is as close as L.A. is to New York. Yeah, I should spend more time there for sure.

Oh, I went to a soccer match. Oh yeah, we have to talk about this. We have to talk about this. Should we take a break and talk about it? We can do it quickly, I don't have much to say. I have a lot to say. I have a lot to say. Okay, let's take a break.

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Tottenham are the greatest team the world has ever seen and the spurs go marching on. Yeah, so when I saw them they lost nine one. Oh and the Spurs, really, go marching in. I went to my first Premier League match. Absolutely amazing. Savage. Tottenham, the Lily Whites versus Burnley.

Yeah. The all but relegated Burnley club yeah they put up a good fight yeah I should say I was able the highs were that I was able to bet on the match right outside the stadium that's the kind of cool yeah very cool can't do that in America and sorry I can't do that in California okay and the

con the low that was that you couldn't get in. I was not allowed in for the first half. What happened there? So I go to swipe in after taking a 40 minute train ride. Okay. Crowd of people, I get to the front, they swipe my ticket, and they say, that's not a ticket, that's a picture of a ticket. And I said, oh, what's the difference between a picture of a QR code and a QR code?

He's like, this isn't swiping, like, what's the difference between a picture of a QR code and a QR code? He's like, this isn't swiping. Like, it's just an image. And I say, oh, I got this from StubHub. And he's like, yeah, I've heard of StubHub, but that's not a real ticket. I'm like, that's weird. Let me go to my email address. And I notice it's from stubhub.ie.

I'm like, huh, did they build an entire fake StubHub and scam me? That makes sense. It's actually pretty smart. StubHub.ie, so I go to StubHub.com, because I know that's real, and I do customer support. Hey, I'm stuck outside of a football match. What time is it at this point?

Like what time of the match, or what time of the day? Yeah, like, has the match started? The match starts at one, and it was like 1.15, 1.30. Okay, so you're missing the first 10, 15 minutes. And they're like. By the way, Tottenham's dominating possession but not creating a lot of chances. Looking a little toothless in the final third.

I think they were down one zero at some point. Not in the first 15 minutes. But they were down one zero at one point. At certain point, yes, Burnley struck on the counter. That's gonna happen. So I bet 100 pounds, nearly $150 on the Spurs to win. Only like 30 pounds because they were heavy favorites. Yeah.

I can't get in and you're texting me, oh sorry about that, also the Spurs are down one nil. Yeah. So I'm fucking doing a chat with Stubbub. Hi, I have my ticket and I won't come in. Okay, what's your authorization number, like order number, and I give it to them. Like, yeah, that's not a real authorization number.

I'm like, oh, I did it with stubbub.ie. And they're like, oh, okay, that's why. I'm like, is that a real authorization number. I'm like, oh, I did it with StubHub.ie. And they're like, oh, okay, that's why. I'm like, is that a real website? And they're like, it is, but you gotta go to them and do their customer service. So then I'm on StubHub.ie, which I'm pretty sure is not a real website. And I'm like, contact a customer support.

And I'm like, what if they ask me for more money? And I'm just getting scammed on top of scammed. And they asked me to call a number. So I call a number and then as I'm doing that, some guys like- Just give us your credit card number. Yes, exactly. I'm like, I don't even know if I'm talking to a real person.

But I'm like, hey, I'm stuck outside this game and it's like Indian outsourced call center. And like, yes, let me call your seller and see if they will send you another ticket. I'm like, okay, do that. Meanwhile, my phone's about to die and I can't charge it anywhere, obviously. I'm in Tottenham, wherever the fuck the stadium.

North London. Yeah. And I get an email and it's a different ticket. This is halftime at this point, but I go to them like, is this a real ticket? And it swipes right in. So it wasn't a scam. So you did that as fast as you could, and it took 45 minutes. Yes, exactly.

Because chatting with StubHub, chatting with StubHub.ie, which I guess is the real site. I'm surprised that you really used it. You went for it. Yeah, I wonder if I would have just instantly gone home, really deflated. Well, I went to the box office, and they were sold out. And then a scalper came up to me.

He's like, I can swipe you in for 100 pounds. I'm like, oh, what if I get scammed twice yeah this would suck you should have been like I'll do it but you have to come with me he said he would oh yeah I would nobody's like I need the money now and I'll come with you I'm like no I think I would have tried that I know but I had just been scammed right Yeah, cuz like he could easily just run away right and I also My hand the whole way I'll give you the money You have to hold my hand you have to kiss you on the cheek and say enjoy the game

Sweetheart to bring me dude so so then I get to the stadium I get in it's really awesome by the way concessions Concessions another thing pretty cheap like yeah to a Laker game a chicken sandwich is $21 and like heroes like a hotdog and French Fries for eight pounds. This is great really really affordable. I remember that I get to my seat I start watching the match pretty solid. There's not a bad seat in the house. The pitch is enormous It's one of the it's one of the most beautiful stadiums. Yeah, I've been to we've been to some soccer stadiums But there's like one of the newest this is where they play the NFL games I think they play the NFL games like Beyonce Taylor Swift. Yeah, they go they play at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, right? It's huge. It's new. It's beautiful. So I'm just like sitting down by myself half frazzled

My phone's dying like trying to enjoy the match they tie it at that point So I'm like I'm just like I need one goal and I can win my bet and go back They tried it before halftime, right? Yes, Pedro Poro did it himself a real bull again I was on the phone with customer support, so I don't really know what happened. When I sit down, I have my fries on the ground next to me while I'm eating my hot dog, and some British ladies, like, excuse me, you're in my seat!

Because there was two open seats, and I'm like, oh, I guess these two tickets were trying to sell as a couple, and I just bought one of them so I can sit in either one, so I sat in the first one, but it was actually, I had to scoot over, I'm like, oh sorry. And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, and as I'm moving over, she steps on my bucket of fries and it spills over.

I'm like, you stepped on my french fries. She's like, oh. I'm like, are you sorry or you're sort of mad at me? So I'm like sort of just like eating a hot dog, fries all over the ground, watching the game, phone dying, battery's about to die. I don't even know how to get home because I took the fucking train,

which you have to use your phone to do. Oh my God. Watching the tickets, the minutes tick away, I'm like, they're gonna tie, I'm gonna lose my bet, I'm gonna lose my fries, I've only seen half of a football match. Yeah. That's when our guy, Mickey.

Mickey VandeVan, Mickey my VandeFriend, yes. Crowd was pretty into it, Mickey. Mickey Vande Ven, Mickey my Vande friend. Yes. Crowd was pretty into it, but then when the goal happened, they were really into it. It got really loud. Yeah. I mean, it was also, it was a really gorgeous goal from our guy.

You know, I couldn't quite see it. It was sort of, I was on the opposite end. So I was like, I saw that there was a goal action, but I couldn't quite see the details of it. So he is like 22 years old, six-five Dutch national, just like a hunk of a man. Usually plays left center back. But because of an injury,

he switched positions into their left winger. And the way they play is with inverted wingers. So the guys on the far left and right of the pitch and all the way back, rather than just playing as defenders, they will go all the way up the pitch and attack. Anyway, that didn't matter. So 86 and then they score.

I'm like, I gotta get the fuck outta here. I'm never gonna watch the rest of this match. He scores, I beeline it back to Fred bet, which is the fucking hole in the wall off-track betting style Betting place that I put my money on yeah, I get there, and it's the most depressing scene There's this horse racing on the TV. I'm like is the match over he's like I'm not really sure I'm like It's not on any of the TV like no we don't really like get that channel

So it's like an old Armenian man watching a horse race in Poland. I think there's actually laws in the UK because when they, like, these supporter clubs, they cared so much about ticket sales at the stadiums that when they started televising the games, they were like, well, this just means people will stop coming to the games.

So there's these old laws that don't allow games to be broadcast in the UK. So I'm at low power mode, 2% battery, and I'm asking him if the match ends because I can't refresh my phone or else I'll literally have it dead and I can't swipe to get on the train to get back home. You can always just go buy a charger somewhere.

Couldn't buy a charger because again, the entire city was dead, they're all in this thing watching the match. And then even if I buy a charger, I don't even know where to plug it in because I gotta get on this fucking train. So the match ends, everyone floods out, 80,000 people are all like cutting

to get onto the one train that gets down. I'm just like waiting for this guy to like get me my 30 pounds profit. Finally get it, by the time I get to the train, so densely packed, next train's in 28 minutes. Like shuffling on, phone's dying. I'm like, well, I'm in, so I hope I remember where to go slash how to get back.

One of the stations sounds familiar and I like walk all the way back home with a dead phone. But 30 pounds richer thanks to what was the name again? Mickey Van De Ven. Mickey Van De Ven. Yeah, wow. I feel like you didn't experience the game the way. Interesting.

I had a hope that you would be going and you would come back a massive Tottenham supporter. Yeah, well they are, I guess, ahead of any other team because you talk about them so much that I know enough about them, now that I've been to a match. You saw an 86 minute match winner, that's pretty exciting. But it seems like they were playing

one of the worst squads in the league. Yeah, but you know, we talked about this before you went because you were going, I think you were gonna be there for the Tottenham versus Man City game. Which was the last game of the year. No, I think it was their third to last game. But the way it worked out was like, normally you wanna beat Man City right and they're

challenging for a top four position but Arsenal Tottenham's biggest rival was doing really well and we needed Man City to win every single one of their remaining games to knock them to to finish ahead of Arsenal so Tottenham if they beat or even drew Man City Arsenal would have been in position to win the league. So they're borderline rooting for their own team to lose. Not even borderline. I think a lot of Tottenham. I was not.

The match that I went to was not against Man City. Yeah, because I was like, I don't think you should go to this match because it's gonna be weird. And sure enough, the environment was absolutely awful. The coach was livid. Was that lady there, the one that stepped on my fries? She was, yeah, she was there.

She stepped on Ange Pasta Coglou's fries. Oh my god. That's why he was so pissed. So you went, I think, to a great game. Tottenham, I think they had accepted a fifth place finish, but Burnley still had a lot to play for and Tottenham needed to win that game because they had lost like five of their previous six

or something insane like that. So I saw them snap the streak. Yeah. Okay. You saw Mickey Van De Ven score with his left foot while moving right into the left corner of the net. I mean like that's in the 86th or 87th minute. Yeah, again I was kind of stressed out

about my phone situation. I hate that. You situation. I hate that. You know, I hate that. You should have been singing and dancing, but you were standing next to a lady who stepped on your fras worried about your phone and just wanting your 30 pounds. Yeah, I did end up winning the 30 pounds.

That's good, that's good. It would have been sadder if I lost 100 pounds on the match and also got scammed out of my ticket. Yeah, yeah, definitely. So it started really low and it ended kind of high. That's good. And I was able to figure out how to get back I lost 100 pounds on the match and also got scammed out of my ticket. Yeah, yeah, definitely. So it started really low and it ended kinda high. I was able to figure out how to get back to the place we were staying without any.

So you feel good about that. Yeah, I was able to navigate the scene a little bit. You should give me half that 30 pounds because I told you they would win. I said it was a sure thing. I mean, I think I still have the money on me, but can you break a 50? This is crazy.

Does it need to be a 50? What is that? That's a 50? Here, sit here. But you're going to Venmo me 30 pounds. Yeah, Venmo me. 30? I wouldn't Venmo you 30.

It would be 35, right? Okay. Well, do you know what the exchange rate is? 30, I wouldn't bet on you 30, it would be 35, right? Okay, well, do you know what the exchange rate is? Actually, why don't you give it back to me and I'll figure it out. Hey, I could buy 20 Tesco sandwiches with this, man. You just made the biggest mistake of your life. I actually don't know where to exchange this money in America.

That also used to be a thing. Remember before you went abroad, you're like, you gotta exchange the money and don't do it at the airport. They give you the best rates at the bank so you have to call your cell phone and call your credit card and make sure that they know you're going abroad.

All that stuff is gone. I go there, I don't use cash at all. I don't tell American Express, I don't tell my phone. It's borderline everything, it's just the same. Open borders. I do remember when I was going to Iceland, like driving out to the bank, getting Kroner. Yeah.

Do you guys have Kroner? No, but this one bank does. You're gonna wanna get it because it's the best exchange rate. You don't do it at the airport. What is the exchange rate? Like, how much money am I losing versus gaining by driving out to the bank?

It can't be that much, can it? I guess it depends on if you're exchanging a thousand and they're giving you 1,500 or they're giving you 1,100 that you're missing on 400 of these units. That's true. And then they also chart, like some of the places at the airport charge you in addition to the exchange. But then if you just bring your debit card abroad now,

you can just pull out. Yeah, I didn't use cash at all. That used to be like, some places only accept cash, no. But you know what I like doing is when you're traveling, or when you get back, you just, whatever cash you have left, just fold it up, put it in your passport, and then next time you go somewhere, you remember. Like, oh wow, awesome.

It's like finding money in your coat. Oh, another cool thing about London that I didn't even mention. There's a casino. There's various casinos just downtown. Like you're walking from pub to pub and there's a fucking casino. Were you going to a lot of casinos? I went to one.

Yeah. I mean, I met a friend and I'm like, I'm just gonna walk by and look at this casino. Did you place bets? Yeah, I played poker. For how long? Three hours. Did you win any money?

I did. How much? I won. How much? I won 50. 50 pounds, but you don't necessarily deserve it. Me? It was fun to play poker in a different country, I'd never done that before.

Yeah. We all spoke the same language. Yeah. Gambling. But they couldn't read your signs, your tells. No. Because you just had interesting American tics. Actually a funny poker story. the same language, gambling. But they couldn't read your signs, your tells. Because you just had interesting American tics. Actually a funny poker story.

And then we really got to get off London, enough's enough. I was playing poker, blah blah blah, normal fun times. And these two 18 year olds sit down, and they're very nervous. And you can't really play poker in America unless you're 21 and over. 18 year olds are buying in for 100 pounds, and they're really excited to be America unless you're 21 and over. 18 year olds are like buying in for like 100 pounds and they're like really excited to be there

and nervous to be there. And like within two hands, I was dealt four of a kind. Or I was dealt pocket kings and the flop was king, king, nine. So I'm like, oh my God, I have the best possible hand. That's never happened to me. And this kid is like nervously betting into me.

I'm like, oh God, yeah, call, call. And he's like, oh, I'm all in. I'm like, call, I have four of a kind. He's like, okay. And then he just left after his second hand. I'm like, sorry, I'm sorry. I've never gotten that before. That was really bad luck on your part.

That's good though. Now he's got gambling scared out of his system. No, he sort of, I saw him sort of crying at the ATM. He's like, maybe I just gotta play bigger stakes. Yeah, yeah, that's gotta be it. They wouldn't let me play bigger stakes. That was Mickey Vandevent. Vandevent's not much older than that kid. How crazy is that? That's awesome. Yeah. Luka Doncic is also 25. Makes no sense. Oh wow. Doncic? Yeah. Anthony Edwards, 22. That's wild. Same as the Vandevin kid. I guess we're getting older after all. I guess so.

Cheers, man. Thanks. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Very much, thank you. Jake, you've used Squarespace before. Yeah, many times actually. Several websites of mine.

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Yeah, dogs, yeah taken. Really? Yeah. Okay, how about the time dog? The time dog. The time dog, or no wait, time dog two. Time dog, the number two? Yeah, number two.

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If he wants to do a fucking sequel. Actually, you might, is Time Dog 1 available? Time Dog 1 is available. Amazing. Actually, anything and then add the number one to it. Google 1? Hope there's a sequel. Yeah.

Yeah, Google 1 is taken, of course. For sure, yeah. For sure, that makes sense. Right on. I was gonna say Viserman. Viserman? Yeah, it's like a cool band. That's awesome, are they willing to sponsor my band,

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to save 10% off that first purchase of a website or domain. There you go. Thank you again to Squarespace. Thanks. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you big time. We're not talking about spending money,

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Yes, yes. Let's give the people what they want okay um I will discuss a meal I had in London finally oh I finally bit the bullet and had a chicken pot pie a fishy chippy for the road and can you microwave it I don't want it deep fraud at all Soft is better than my teeth. I think we definitely both go in and out of an Australian Doesn't matter because we're fucking American. Yes. It really does not matter we talk normalist Exactly, and they talk fucked up whether I do like a weird fucking Scottish blah blah blah blah blah Scottish Mike Hey, that's also Australian. They're all headed towards us. Yeah, so we'll see you at the finish line anyway enough about the UK England Slash London. Let's do something. We do on our patreon which is watch classic videos and comment on them

But this time we're watching hardly working. Yes, because people have been asking us to talk more about college humor. Yes, exactly. So we are gonna watch an old college humor Hardly Working video, which ran tandem with Jake and Amir. And the lines were blurry at some point. Sometimes we're still kind of in Jake and Amir-ish character, but it was called Hardly Working.

A different show with the same actors. Doesn't really exist like that on TV. And we're about to watch The Perfect Woman, which you wrote. Yes, I wrote it and I remember I was kinda nervous about it, because it makes fun of, it's based on a very misogynistic joke, and I remember even at the time, I'm like,

is this mean? I hope people don't think that the joke is that the women are like that. It's certainly not going to have aged well. Yeah, but hopefully we make fun of the person that talks like that the women are like that. It's certainly not going to have aged well. Yeah, but hopefully like, you know, we make fun of the person that talks like that, so let's see.

Do you remember though, like why I didn't write it and why it wasn't a Jake and a mirror? Cause it's kind of seems like it could be. The borderline is a Jake and a mirror, yeah. All right. I think we all wrote Hardly Working. So like this one was, I wrote it and you wrote some other ones and Dan wrote some

and Pat wrote some. So like sort sort of there was like a group meeting and whoever we would like read hardly working pitches, right? Yeah, I think at a certain point we would sometimes pair up and write hardly workings But a lot of time we would like people would just write them on their own and then like send them out to whoever they like Randomly cast like punch-ups and yeah like that. I guess it was kind of like SNL, model, light. All right, let's check out are they working the perfect woman? ["The Perfect Woman"] Don't stop believing.

Ah, that's like five in a row you got, good. Hey, you guys hear about this? Scientists have discovered the perfect woman. Oh yeah? Tell us about it. Yeah, agree. Tell us about it. Okay, okay. She's three feet tall, double D's, no teeth, and a flat head so you can rest your beer on her. What?! I'm yelling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is the perfect woman.

Oh no, no, wait. I'm a perfect ass. Oh! Absolutely. I like that. although three feet is a little short actually I prefer a girl who's a little bit taller so when we hug her head is right below my chin now that's really cute very comfortable yeah very nice I like that no way man no she's got to be three feet so you can rest the beer on she's also got a challenge me what do you mean though what do you mean by that you know she should challenge me to be a better person

Inspired me that self-esteem it takes to attain that level of self-improvement Sorry, she should also have a flathead. Yeah, you got a rest of beer on something Actually, she can just hold the beer. I mean if she wants it's not real. No no way She's gotta be on her head like a human end table Actually, she probably stop Every time you talk about this woman That's a famous joke by the way, it's like a bumper sticker a t-shirt like I found the perfect woman and it's those measurements No teeth

So you can get good dome. Yes, exactly Like the traditional classic joke is obviously bad yeah you fucking David is like David it's into it but that kind of making his own amendments and then as we gave it guys over yeah I'm like means you're like wait a minute David David sort of onto something and you're not what you're not willing to lose the fucking you guys are you're so Impressionable you were on my side when the joke was funny And then as soon as he's like I wanted to I wanted to challenge me steers like oh, that's interesting rest the beer on her

Wanting away a high five yeah, let's keep watching just about that I mean, I'd give anything to fix that head when we'm gonna talk to some scientists or something. The same scientist that discovered the perfect woman? No, probably different scientists. Oh actually, my dad's a physician I'm sure if you wanted a recommendation I can put a phone call in. I would love a phone number. Okay, sorry so start over. Okay so scientists discovered the perfect woman. What does she look like? I guess she's average height.

Good. She should have a normal head. Yes. And challenge me and inspire me. What does she look like I guess she's average height good She should have a normal head. Yes, and challenge me and inspire me. You know David's thing is actually more fucked up Oh, it stop it David's thing is actually more fucked up The perfect woman needs to be average height with an average head I'm saying that's it's fine to we could remake this now And it's like a perfect woman is someone who's confident in themselves and whoever's whatever they look Yeah, or if they're not confident that's fine, too

Yeah, perfect woman is whoever the perfect woman is every woman exactly who are we to judge and we're the imperfect man Yeah, why are we even talking about? Perfection is fucked up There's like like objective good and bad. Don't talk about perfection while you're not even perfecting yourself. Exactly. Smaller, it doesn't really matter to me. I mean as long as we're best friends and we get along, that's all that matters.

As long as you got that flat ass head so you can rest the beer on it. Come on. To be totally honest, I don't even like beer that much. Thank you! OK, he said it. That's you. It's sour. That's what it is.

It's sour. Bitter. Stop it. So you could tell that I wrote it. Because it's ultimately about beer being not that great. It's funny that my character is so fixated on the head. I haven't mentioned the teeth. I think I call back the double D's I call back the beer a lot But I don't I don't talk too much about the getting good head

Which is ultimately you didn't want to be too grass Enjoy a nice glass of red wine with our best friends without feeling so Preaching the choir choir, man. Seriously, seriously. What about the no teeth? Oh, yeah. It was like three feet tall, no teeth. To be honest, I was not feeling that.

I didn't get that whatsoever. I mean, I prefer a nice smile. Yes. No, I think, you know what it is, we were agreeing with it. And we never... What are you saying? Head. What?

It's cold so she gives you better head come on man serious? Did you ever feel bad Yelling at an office of course yeah, of course say you felt a little subconscious going ahead Hey, she can give you better ahead that beer on her while there's like You know 50 year old sales ladies for match.com. Yeah. Yeah, and also young, you know interns. Yeah I I mean I think I Think I might not have felt bad during this this one Was normal for the time there were ones that I felt like when we did Jake and Amir muscle tea and I rubbed my lips

and spit out milk as if I was masturbating. That I remember feeling bad about. I was like, I can't laugh because then I'll have to do it again. And someone might see it. Yeah, so I think we ended up doing it twice. But this I don't really remember feeling self-conscious. I feel like I'm delivering these lines pretty loud.

Yes, loudly and proudly. I guess because your character's getting scolded for it. Maybe you felt that way. But you know, it was always about when you had things like this was just like powering through. If I really committed to it, then I would only have to do it the one time. Yes, exactly.

We didn't run it a lot. What's wrong with you? Okay, I'm dating the perfect woman and you guys are just shitting on her. Wait what? Yeah okay here's a picture of us. Oh my god. Wow. She's beautiful. Yeah. She's your best friend too huh? What do you think man yeah she's my soul mate shouting out head and then bleeping the entire sketch you're talking about a fucking goblin that sucks your dick for three minutes and then like she's my fuck beaming soul mate do not use that's my one note on this entire hardly working it otherwise perfect. I feel like in a new version of this, she comes out like, Jake are we going to the movies?

I'm like, I'll be right there babe, I fucking love her. She fucking, she bleeping challenges me. We're going to see an art house movie which I don't necessarily love, but ultimately I wanna make her happy. Yeah. She scoots in like fucking r2d2 She has a Gatorade on her head cuz it's like not you know you're not drinking yeah, yeah

But she does put drinks up there I Don't remember the little picture part.'s oh, yeah, I remember that You're over who did the art for that It looks like a wing the exact same outfit. I'm wearing at the table, so we did it like just before right It was a frightening image three feet tall flat L. No teeth. It's like a horror movie and Three feet tall, flat L, no teeth. It's like a horror movie. And wet hair so she can climb out of the TV. We could write that as a horror movie.

A comedy horror movie. The perfect woman. The perfect woman. So the title's right there. Yeah, and it's like two guys joking around like that. And then she comes out and exists. And then she fucking kills them both for being misogynists. She gums them to death.

Should we watch another one? This one I have no recollection of at all. I just scrolled through different Hardly Working's until I saw one that both of us were in. So I have no idea if it's good, bad, or what, but it is Hardly Working Agreements. It looks like it stars me, you, and Pat in the original College Humor office,

225 Park Avenue South. Old school. Yeah. It's always weird to see HD videos of this era. Right. Because this is like when we were shooting on our digital cameras. Yeah.

I just assumed that office was always grainy. Yeah. But these were like the nice camera versions, but still shooting in that office. It's true. I haven't seen it, but I heard it was absolutely amazing. Yeah, all my friends are like, this is the best movie of 2008.

Didn't it win a People's Choice Award or something? Jumper? Yeah. Oh yeah, wait, pause for a sec. Yeah. Doesn't matter. For a long time, we did like a five second intro where every single Hardly Working,

we were talking about the movie Jumper, starring Hayden Christensen. And it was because Pat and I saw it. Also, every sketch, I think, starts with like, two people talking about something unrelated to the sketch before somebody walks in. Right, and it's usually, sometimes it's something like, really, really dark, weird, like some really offbeat non-sequitur.

And for a long time, we made it exclusively Jumper. Jumper themed. Yeah, all right I will see any movie with teleporting. Let's rent it. Hey if you rent it, I'll provide the vegetables and dip Solidify this agreement way we always do no by breaking Jake's mind Fuck! All right, pause it. Yeah. Pretty funny. Is he wearing a tie,

because it's like an office space thing, or like we think he was just unrelated wearing a tie? I have no idea. I really have no idea. Let's solidify this the way we always do. Instead of a handshake, we break your monitor, which I guess we've done before, because you were quick to say, no, please.

Wait, don't. This happened kind of often in this office. We would often get word that we could destroy an old electronic thing. And then we were back into the sketch. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's what a hardly working phone fight was. We were like, when we moved into this office,

we all had desk phones. And at a certain point, we were like, we don't need these. We're gonna get rid of all of them. So we like shot a sketch where everyone was chucking them at each other. Why, Jake, this broken monitor acts as a constant reminder of the agreement between Patrick and myself. Like the shards of glass that were once your screens.

So were the promises Amir and I made to one another. I never agreed to this, all right? You can't keep on breaking my monitors. Maybe he's right. How about Jumper? No, he didn't say Jumper. Wait, or not s- did you? No, I said stop breaking my computer.

No, you- he said J- he said Jumper- he said Jumper or something. He didn't, alright? Look, I'm serious. This is the last one. Pause it. Perfectly sealed, you removed the film. This is the last one. Let's be convinced tomorrow. Pause it. Perfectly sealed. You removed the film. This is the last one.

Look how new it is. Just getting a last dust speck. There's no way we don't destroy this monitor in the next 12 seconds, right? Yeah, of course. Of course. And figure out a new way to solidify our oaths. Yes. Alright, I can do that.

Then it is agreed. Nice. We agreed to come up with a new way to agree and we have to break your last monitor. Yeah, exactly. Let's see, is there a post script where Pat hits the monitor for another 10 seconds? Probably.

Fuck! Nice, we needed that. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! It looks really dark. The hair plus the tie combo looks like, it's like Shaun of the Dead style. For sure. Yeah, and it is very cathartic to like break something with a hammer, you don't get to do that very often. Totally. I feel like I've seen that on TikTok. There are like places where you just go there and destroy things.

Yeah, I've seen that too. Should we? It doesn't look that satisfying to me. Wouldn't you like to take a fucking baseball bat to a vase? Not really. Really? It doesn't do it for me. Actually, I'd like to take a fucking baseball bat to a vase? Not really. Really? Doesn't do it for me. Actually, I'd like to be there after the fact

and glue it back together. That's more of a- A different escape room. You go to a place and we put things back together and it's right next to the place that destroys shit. That and axe throwing, I feel like, it had a moment in the last five years. Yeah, axe throwing is a weird one

where I still see axe throwing places and I'm like who's still doing it You already did the fucking gene building thing at the axe throw. Uh-huh. That's enough. It's like the it's that and poke All of these places are how are you still around? Yeah We got to start tracking their real estate. It's gonna be on the soon. You don't like poke. I think it's fine I just don't see it being it brings us back to the bowl thing. Yeah Yeah, another bowl thing sushi bowl. I is not that different than poke probably yes It's all the same amount of sugar inside of yeah, it's just still like that site. Yeah Alright, so if you liked that we're doing that a lot on our patreon patreon.com

All right, so if you liked that, we're doing that a lot on our Patreon, patreon.com slash ja. We're making our way through every single Jake and Amir episode. And send us suggestions for Hardly Workings too, because we could watch them here. That was a treasure trove. I wonder how many Hardly Workings there are. Yeah, because there's like 800 Jake and Amirs.

How many Hardly Workings from our era? Because they definitely made a lot more after we quit too. I assume like 100 or 200 or something hundred yeah so but we should only be watching the ones that we at least had a hand in no I'd like to watch ones that we didn't let's watch one from 2019 they really jumped the shark yeah who's this guy no that one's still you oh Yeah, you just looked different at the time. Okay, that's it, that's our episode. That's right. Three segments, couldn't be more different

if you think about it. That's true. Next time we'll talk more about Tottenham because I feel like that was really, The tip of the iceberg. Yeah, it was dominated by the Fry Lady. That's so, don't you understand she's still winning? Yeah.

You're still letting her get to you. That's incredible. She was so unapologetic It was insane. Yeah, it was like it was I was in a sketch where like an annoying British one's like get out of my seat Oh You hit my fries whatever Yeah, that's absolutely insane. You don't care Although she was a huge fan. She was like cursing them and like chanting and singing along I respect that a lot of a lot of songs during the play. Yeah, what was it?

They all sound like a famous song, but they're like the words are replaced. Yeah, did that what did they sing the Mickey vandivan? I don't know. Vandivan Mickey vandivan. Yeah. Yeah again I had to do a beeline as soon as he left. Yeah, and I stepped on that woman's shoe just to show her I was a real American bloke, and I wasn't gonna take that shit anymore. Come on, you Burnley! Okay, thanks for watching, thanks for listening. We'll be back, of course, next week, as always. Still in the LA studio.

Ciao for now. Peace. Bye. That was a Hidgum Original.