If I Were You - 33: Tinder Talk

Episode Date: October 31, 2013

In this episode Amir finally signs up for Tinder, then we discuss people's Tinder related dilemmas. Tinder.This BONUS Thursday episode is made possible thanks to LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

You wanna cheat on your girl or have sex with her mom? Email if I were your show at gmail.com They said to Jake and Amir, smarter than they first appear Yo, do you see the cheese? But no frat brothers here Don't know what to do, God, no one to talk to Consider it self-deceiving Bend it to Amir and Jake If I were your show, I'm desperate and crazy

Is my problem, no help me maybe All of my other friends would probably shame me Is my problem, no help me maybe She gave a hand out one of us and we in the song said But I couldn't make Beyonce in our floor, yay Is it okay to suck this out? What if my roommate say I killed my neighbor's car? Can I get paid anyway? If I were your show, shit's getting cray, cray

Here's my problem, no help me maybe Yes! Yes! Absolutely yes! Best song ever? Call me maybe or that. The cover is actually better than the original Cause this one's about me and every song about me is better than the song that's not about me You're so vain. Yo, I probably think that song is about me I probably know that song's about me. That's awesome though That is dope, that's great I'm into covers, that's my new thing I think

Yeah, that's so good Anyway, that was by 2Juliettes, this comedy improv group Oh wow In Toronto Cool In Toronto So hey, this is if I were you T-Town Drake, what up?

Hey, what up? What? T-Town Drake, that's where Drake's from I thought it was the T-Dot Uh, oh maybe sure Anyway, this is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us I'm Amir And I'm Jake And this is a special episode, or what, okay

Cause we're getting drunk doing it Well, that doesn't make it very special This is another special episode Every special episode is for me Every episode is a special one The last 15 were special, but for only me, Jake didn't even know it was special We had a special episode the other day at 9am, unfortunately There was whiskey on your breath, whiskey and oatmeal, and I didn't really appreciate it

You were high and gone Yeah, this is another one of those Saturday night pre-gaming drinking episodes Is pre-gaming a nerdy thing to say here in Toronto? I don't know, I think the nerdy thing is that we're pre-gaming by recording a podcast And two, I'm going to bite the bullet and download Tinder and do it on this podcast This is after literally no convincing I haven't brought it up once since the last time we talked about it on the podcast You know what it was? It was my friend Ethan who emailed me

He's like, you should just do it because you're leaving New York And it's like a fun thing to do And I'm like, you know what? Jake's been pushing me for nine months But this one email is the straw that broke the camel's back I think the real thing that convinced you is when we said we would do it on the podcast And it was like, ooh, content, yay, content for my podcast I don't care about pussy

You know what it is, it is that But it's also like, this podcast is like the wall that I have to build to like Oh yeah, I downloaded it but like, I did it as a joke for a show Anyway, I still use it You want on the date? Yeah, well I did it to try to meet somebody and you're sort of a being an asshole No, you should listen to the episode Oh man, I'm really excited though

I have been begging to join Tinder for, I don't know, since I did Yeah But even when you had a girlfriend Yeah, that was actually a pretty dick move of you You were begging her actually I was instrumental in the breakup Uh, so we thought it would be fun to do it From soup to nuts, starting on the show, I haven't even downloaded it yet

I'm gonna do that right now Yeah Uh, can you actually, why don't you download it while I at least explain to Cause like, I feel like there's like 10 to 20% of people who don't know Still what Tinder is and we talk about it so much Yeah, it's so rare though that you'd be listening to this podcast and still not know what Tinder is So as Jake downloads it, I'm gonna just try to briefly explain it So as a guy

A lot of missed texts and phone calls from my All right From your parents All right, give me the phone Well, what about you And Tinder's already downloaded and you have 30 matches actually Oh man, all your texts are between a seamless delivery guy You seem to be trolling for free food

Holy shit, it works a lot too God, you're an ass And here you are playing video games within my Sunday All right, you know what at this point, I want my phone back So All right, so I got it Okay, so Tinder, I download it as a heterosexual male And it shows you me pictures of females in the area

Because you know, those are the people that I'd like to go out with And it shows you ladies in the age range that you give So let's say I'll say 24 to 30 And does that match up with the Blumenfeld rule? What's the Blumenfeld rule? Oh no, the Blumenfeld rule is how many ladies are you allowed to have slept with? Oh, not your age And not your age, oh right

But there is that formula of your age divided by 2 plus 7 So mine would be 22 So 22 to 30 And then it shows me ladies within a certain mile radius Let's say I set the radius to 5 miles It shows me ladies in between the ages of 22 and 30 in my area And it just shows me their Facebook profile picture And I can either swipe it to the left, which means I don't want to meet you

Or swipe it to the right, which means I do want to meet you And if they, the ladies are getting the same pictures as the guys Or the ladies are getting pictures of guys And if they swipe me to the right and I swipe them to the right Then it means yes, we both said yes And it matches us up digitally and we can start a conversation Now you're under the impression that I will match with someone during the course of this podcast I think you will

Because I think you will because I'm making your profile for you right now Yeah, this is the star treatment that I'm getting Because Jake himself is going to make my profile Here's the two biggest worries that I have about matching with someone on Tinder One, I think my strong suit isn't my pictures It's my personality And that really can't really come through in Tinder

It's like purely a physical thing True or false No, that's true, but you're also cuter than you're giving yourself credit for Thanks, dude And I think you can show a lot of personality in pictures For instance, your profile picture right now, which I'm considering leaving Wait, did you download the app? Yeah, oh, it's downloaded

It's fast So iPhone 5 is super fast I use the 4 and holy shit is it bad So what's the first screen? It asks you for a profile picture? No, it just pulls your last 4 profile pictures So according to Tinder, your profile looks like this right now Okay, so Jake is showing me a profile It's just my name, my age, and then my last profile picture

Which is like a silly picture of me with a magnifying glass up against my face So that my smile looks unusually big Do you think that's a good profile picture or a bad one? It's definitely, I think it's a good number two It shows you have a lot of, it's like kind of creative It's your personality photo So like, I'm not going to lead off with it, but I definitely want people to see it You're making what I'm actually thinking in like a douchey voice

But that is definitely, that's exactly what I'm, all right So now I'm going to just try to find the most attractive picture of me Yeah Okay Or the picture where you're doing something like the most interesting Because like sometimes I won't necessarily see someone's face But I'll be like, oh that person went to Iceland That's cool, I can talk to her about that

I see, it just like gives you little bits of personal information That at least lets you start a conversation with someone Exactly So here's my second worry about Tinder in terms of me not matching Well, I guess I have two more All of my concerns are matching related Number two, what if I match, meet and then she hates me For example, my personality is subpar and I'm sort of an anal loser

What do I do if I'm alone the rest of my life? That's not related to Tinder as much as it is I'm zooming out a bit and sort of seeing the macro The landscape of my life and I'm not looking too happy about it So, deal with that My age, age 30, a lot of people probably on Tinder are in their 20s, right? They won't see 30 year olds Or are they only showing me people that have put 30 year old dudes in their age range

They're only going to show you people that you could match with So it will be people, I think anyway It will be people that you could potentially match with Okay I'm starting with, like I should just choose pictures I should, I'm being a little picky right now What do you think of that? Uh, it's not, I guess I'm not in love with it

The picture of you and Danny DeVito Yeah, that shows that I was important enough at one point in my life to meet Danny DeVito Exactly Right, so I'm at least as important as Rhea Perlman was that one day Oh, shit, how about this one? Well, never mind So, dude, you're not photogenic at all actually I'm actually starting to reconsider this whole Tinder thing

Yeah, as I think about it, you sort of suck Yeah My third concern is that I'm very judgmental Like not in a good way, like I'll see people and I'll judge them So even if ladies are attractive, I might not swipe them to the right Oh, that's a pretty I think that's the one Oh yeah, I'm very judgmental of ladies

So maybe you should do my swiping for me Because there's going to be a lot of girls who are attracted I'm like, oh, this girl looks annoying Or this girl has an annoying bio I'm just, I don't know, I'm very neurotic in the regard of choosing someone Right, now you're sort of like a You're sort of like a judgmental piece of shit Yeah, I'm like a neurotic to sort of a loser in many ways

That's pretty, no, there's too many guys in that picture I'm also not talking to the mic right now That's probably driving you fucking crazy So you've chosen the main photo, now you're choosing So you get to choose more than one photo? Yeah, you get to choose up to, well, five photos total So one Five photos total

One main photo What do you think about this one in the camel? Oh, that's cute Yeah, that's it Oh, I've been to a place that camels this way See how that tells a story? I don't know, Tinder's so superficial But now from your profile picture, you'd be like

Oh, this guy's close with his family, his brother Number two, he's got a good sense of humor That's the magnifying glass over the mouth This weird picture where you're looking very, very serious It's like, oh, this guy is sort of a What picture is that where I'm looking very serious? I'll have to show you in a second But you have your thumbs over your mouth

Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that one My brother took that photo, it's a good high-res photo It shows that, hey, I know people who are wealthy enough To afford a digital SLR camera There's also this picture that we took on set Of you covered in blood holding a cat What do you think about that one? That might be a good one for the last one

It's like, at least, show the person with the slate So at least people think that it's for a video shoot And I'm not just naked holding a cat Great, that's it, it's done So what about... Also your tagline, we gotta change your tagline What is it, current... Wait, is it my profile live right now?

No, it's not, yes, I think it might be Okay, so people can see it regardless of us Us working on the tagline Right, you're probably getting swiped to the left All over the place right now So it shows my photo, my name, my age And then a tagline Yeah

And the tagline could be anything I want Anything you wanted to say A sentence, sort of like a tweet, think of it I gave a good tagline to Marty, our friend Which was, hey, I'm Mark Zuckerberg, exclamation point No, just kidding You think that's too weird or I shouldn't use it? Well, just in case somebody else has seen Marty

It would be weird Yeah, because if that's a tie and then it comes out to the photo I'm afraid people would just choose Marty Yeah, totally Yeah, he's taller and better looking Uh-huh, way more handsome So it's also funnier when he says it for some reason Not even says it, just has it under his name

Yeah, it's more of a Marty quote It's gotta be sarcastic, I think that's the key What about I'm kind of a small deal Oh, that's kind of, that's nice Although that kind of, it might be That might, yeah, people might think that's true Yeah, like, oh, he thinks he's like a little bit of a big deal Um, what about, um, trust me, I'm less Jewish than I look

Oh, there we go Well, will that attract anti-Semites? That'll attract Jews, for sure Although I can't imagine, yeah, because it says my name is Amir That sort of, would that piss people off? Like, what do you mean you're less, like, that's a bad thing? This isn't J-Date, I think it's okay The stakes are really low on Tinder

I should download J-Tinder, actually That way I can make my mom and you happy at the same time Your mom swipes it My mom's the only person in charge That's like such a lame, lame joke that Jewish moms would love J-Tinder If only Jewish moms understood enough about the internet To get what apps are in general

That's true All right, so now we're gonna go to settings We're setting it to desperation mode That is, anyone, any age range, male or female Within 200 miles of year Holy shit, I matched with a 61-year-old dude in Philadelphia I think I'm gonna go on a date with him or something His name is Roy and he makes cheese steaks

I'm into it All right, so we're looking for females 24 to 32 Sure What's the matter? What's your range? 18 to 19 18 to 18 and a quarter

My range is 5 and a half to 6 and a half Well, my rule is just, and I think it might match up With the divided by 2 plus 7 Anyone that I can't legally walk into a bar with I don't want to match with on Tinder So 21 and over 21 to 29 For me, it feels like if they're more than two years older than me

They're like looking for something serious Oh, I see Though I guess like, no one's really looking for anything that serious on Tinder Yeah All right, we're good to go Yeah, we're set We're pulling in, should we talk about the, before we start swiping Should we talk about, should we ask, should we do a question?

Oh, yeah, let's ask a question and then while we answer Either you or I can take turns swiping Before, I'm just gonna, this is number one I'm just gonna swipe this girl right now Her name is Rita She's 24 I can say the names, just first names, right? Sure, I guess

Her name, we'll call her, we'll call her R Oops, too late You're shared, you have one shared interest on Facebook and it's seamless web She's 295 pounds Liked Let's see All right, your first swipe was not a match That kind of hurts

Over one, believe it or not Although I had, if to match with someone, I'd have to match with someone who has used Tinder in the last like 30 seconds, right? Yeah Well, no, I think Yeah, but I think also when you join, you're like, your picture is thrown up onto the top of the pile for a lot of people Uh, to incentivize you to match people Yeah, to like keep you addicted to the app So it shows you shared interests

Um, yeah, your shared interests and their age Do you like, quote, Jake and Amir on Facebook? Uh, quote, oh, you mean like the page? Uh, yeah, I am interested Have you ever had, have you ever seen a girl whose shared interest was Jake and Amir? Yeah And have you ever swiped her to the right? Um, only once

And it was a match, right? Did not match So this girl likes our web series, saw you and then swiped you to the left? Or maybe I left that her area, which is what I like to believe No, you didn't, you didn't actually leave your area Yes, I was still very much in her area All right, so you want me to read a question and then go back to swiping? I think so, yeah

All right, give me my phone back for a second Absolutely not You can't, you can't bring yourself to stop swiping is the problem That is my problem in life All right, ready? Question, these are all Tinder based questions This is our Tinder themed episode This is like the most publicity we've ever given someone and it's for absolute free

We really should email them and ask about sponsoring All right, ready? Yep Hey, dude, so there's this girl I've been dating on and off for about a year now She's great and like my best friend But her and I have been fighting a lot lately and it's making me have second thoughts Last night I was on Tinder swiping away when I see this girl She looks familiar so I go into her profile

And I realize it's a girl I know from years ago I swipe her to the right and I immediately we are a match We start texting and I realize that I have everything in common with her It's making me think that I should date this new girl But I'm not sure I should knowing how bad it would crush the first girl Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks This dude's name Who we did not come up with a theme for this episode

The theme is Tinder, everybody's name is Tinder All right, cool This guy is so, it's so almost adorable how stupid he is Because he's like should I chewed on my girlfriend or not? Well, number one It's dumb that your main reason for not wanting to be with someone else is Because it would hurt your girlfriend's feelings Right, that's the worst

If it's that then you should just break up with her Right, because I think nothing would hurt her feelings more Than finding out you were with her out of pity I don't want any but you're still on Tinder right now, aren't you? Yeah, I'm swiping while you're talking This girl's kind of a babe, what do you think? Oh yeah, definitely Thanks dude

Appreciate it You liked her? She's in the vault Great So, I mean right off the bat, break up with her Right, because you are only with her because And he's on Tinder Yeah, you downloaded Tinder, so that's the first sign you have to break up with her

Yeah And then also you're saying that But also just really quick The girl that you matched with is not the one You didn't, no one finds their soulmate on Tinder And you only think she's your soulmate because you've been like Because you want out of your relationship so bad that everybody is perfect Right, so this guy would take anybody

Yeah, he's just unhappy and you're just unhappy in a relationship It's weird that he's like phrasing this as a Tinder question But it's like basically like, I like another girl, should I go after her? Knowing, although I don't want to break my other girl's heart So I guess my separate theory is that maybe I can just grow old with the girl that I'm currently with And always grow to regret it Bare bones of this whole entire thing is you just don't like your girlfriend It has nothing to do with like you liking another girl

You're not having like some affair with somebody that you're meant to be with You just don't want to be with your girlfriend Somebody else is like shiny and new Definitely don't break up and go right into another relationship That's never a good thing Should he even be on Tinder? That's not okay, right? Would you say that's not okay?

Oh yeah, definitely, that's bad, that's mean Like going on Tinder while you're in a relationship is like basically admitting to something That's grounds for termination of a relationship Your girlfriend should dump you for what you've done I've reached my first Tinder milestone of A girl that is not necessarily my type physically, but she has a great bio Let me see it And so I'm thinking of swiping her based on the bio

See this is why bios are important Bios, yeah, this girl's That's a cute little sentence You see this picture of the dog? Fuck yeah Shit, you want to swipe her actually So this is important, like her pictures are killer, all right? She's got herself in a goddamn vineyard

Yeah So that's cool She wears a dress and a vineyard I want to be part of this life Number two, she's clearly at a party So this girl likes adventure going on a vacation But she's also down to rage She likes a rage phase

Yeah, I want to be part of her life Yep And then, oh, number two, guess what? She's near a pond with her mom So yeah, she's close to her family She's a family woman That is important, oddly enough And her mom's a goddamn smoke show

Really? Part number two, her mom has a hot bod Her mom can get it I would love to at least swipe her mother And there we go She's walking down the beach Shoes in her hand, she is cool She's ready to get her feet in the sand

Shoes in hand, she wants her feet in the sand So wait You know what I'm saying? Keep swiping while we describe for any ladies Who are out there on Tinder What would you think? Some tips for Your shared like with a lot of people is seamless

There's like some kind of deal, huh? Is there like a get 20% off if you like us on Facebook deal? Maybe so Or maybe I was just feeling very liking of seamless I mean seamless is a food ordering app in New York City Oh dude, this girl is fucking cute I'm about to get on Tinder myself for this one Hell yeah

This girl is fucking Jesus dude Wait a second Oh my god She's the one You're bone hard right now All right, so here we go That's your dick against the bottom of the table

Here's something really encouraging about this girl Second picture, she has her arm around some guy And he looks exactly like you Oh so you know that she already Oh yeah He's kind of like a nerdy, jewey looking guy But it doesn't I don't know

It's I feel like that's her brother Not her not her ex-boyfriend or something Chicks love dudes that make it seem like They're kissing her brother Look at these girls pictures They're so fucking cute That's a silly good picture

Yeah Yeah that's like So look at the other ones They're all good They're all like that dude Oh yeah Sense of personality The sense of humor comes through in the photos

See So Tinder's not as shallow as people make it seem Although like it A lot of times it says active a day ago Like that sort of takes away the suspense of If I swipe her will we become a match right away Obviously not because she hasn't You know what

I think we should It looks Give me your phone I'm gonna update your I'm gonna make your search radius just a little bit wider Excuse me I'm sorry I got you

Why you want to see me swipe that girl Yeah It is it is very oddly addicting right You're just like You don't realize that you're like judging a father's daughter You just realize that you're saying Oh I fuck her

I fuck her But I'm not saying I'm not even thinking about boning I'm thinking about how uncomfortable or Comfortable I would be inviting her Out Yeah you should start thinking about boning Yeah

Because that'll lower your bar a little bit Because sometimes I'll see a girl like Oh I wouldn't want to like introduce her to my mom and dad Then I'm like oh I don't have to do that Would I want to bend this girl over in a bathroom bar And then it's like most of the time yeah Actually I've never swiped to the left when I think about that Because hey everyone has a vagina and more or less they all look the same to me

Especially when they're facing the other way And all I have to look at is the back of a shirt But that's the difference between me and you It's not just cool Yeah You are wearing a black wife beater right now That's not fair It's how it's the it's the Saturday before Halloween

What is this episode coming out? Thursday Thursday so Halloween day Halloween Oh it's perfect It's our Halloween episode Though on Thursday I'll be going out again But so it's part of my Halloween costume

Which is what? Sexy cat Great question sexy cat What's yours ass I'm trying to be Ned Flanders That the mustache I got is more gay Hitler So I'm a little bit worried about that It is just dark dark dark and pencil thin

Here's something that I'm doing Just gonna swipe to the right a bunch You just want me to But then that No no I won't I'm just thinking about it That devalued us The it devalues the match

Yeah that's true You don't want to match with someone Who you're not excited to match with right You're right You're true You're true man You're true though I'm Truman

I'm Harry Truman I think That's that's your new bio What is my bio again I already forgot I'm less Jewish than I look That is funny Yeah Oh that's funny Oh hey this girl likes homeland too but

All right enough about the shared interest You really ought to you ought to change your interest Why homeland is good Does it does it organized by Like is it completely random the stream of ladies that's showing I've had no idea what their algorithm is I would love to know I really would

You know didn't because Tinder is owned by the company that owns College Humor Right So we said that we could maybe get the Tinder CEO or whatever a hire up there at Tinder to I emailed him And he's based they're based in LA He swiped your email to the left

They're based in LA but he said he'd be down so Maybe when we're out there Once we move it's game over It's actually really game over You're just like you're I'm being very liberal and you're just You're not going to get a match Because who's on Tinder at Saturday night at 8 p.m. I guess

Sorry 9 30 p.m. Right all these people are active a day ago sadly This show is sponsored by better help Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a Difficult anxious stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself out of that Difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist

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Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace Um, should we read another question? Yeah, it's your phone back. Yeah, or you can read it Okay, it's the second email from the bottom Of course started from the bottom and now we're the second from the bottom. So not that far away actually all right Hey, jna. I like when people call this jna Hey jna. Thanks to this podcast. I discovered the awesome tinder app and even better. I think I found a perfect match

In fact, she's so perfect that she also heard about tinder from this podcast She's funny cute doesn't freak out when I say stuff like I'll shoot myself into starbucks Anyway, what's bothering me is what we've been chatting for two days and sorry Anyways, what's bothering me? It's not so easy to read actually. We can edit that out. Can't you? Also lift your phone up higher just so you're talking more square into the microphone. Oh, fuck yeah, shit So what's bothering him is anyways, what's bothering me is that we've been chatting for two days Oh, fuck. No two days only. No, this is a bad sentence structure pal It's not me. So anyways, anyways

What's bothering me is that we've been chatting for two days only and we already developed a close relationship At first I was happy about this But then I realized how easy it was for me to win her now just like a mirror I like a girl who hasn't tasted too many cocks before mine So now I'm afraid that she might actually turn out to be a slut She even told me that back in high school She wants to rub the dick of one of her mates during geography class just for the excitement I'll be so mad if I get ditched by this bitch for another guy in a week or something. How do I how

How do you think I should approach her? Should I take her seriously? Thanks tinder. First of all, I don't like that He lumps me in because that's not my theory at all like I do I don't necessarily like a girl that's like easy to access or attain But like if I'm on tinder, I wouldn't that's sort of everybody's there to hook up. So I wouldn't like Judge them in that regard. So also you like that was a that was a pretty rare occurrence that he's gonna Download a tinder met someone that downloaded the app. Like that's an immediate close connection Yeah, the fact that they both listen to the podcast. Yeah, and rubbing someone's dick doesn't make her a slut

buddy If anything that makes her a really prude girl because she's only touched one dick at the end of high school And that was exciting to her. She rubbed a dick and that was exciting Okay, I I'm looking for girls that like rub a dick and they and they feel like they they clip their nails or something All right, that's how normal it is for them. I've been rubbing dick since age 13. Trust me. It's no big deal to me Uh, are you swiping right now? Always dude. Yeah, I see you're being very very liberal with a left right left right. No, I just nope somebody Just nope somebody. Oh this girl is just she's cute. She's hiding half her face

So that's sort of the uh, ironic or a paradoxical problem that is Meeting a girl and she's super into it right away if you're like, wait a minute Maybe she's super into everything right away, but you can't have it both ways. You can't have take a girl home Fairly easily and then be like I only want her to be able to take me home very easily like odds are she goes home with Maybe more than just you And that's sort of something you have to get used to if you want someone who's very uh, like takes Takes their time whether it be a boy or a girl If you want some of that takes their time you have to be able to put their time in and otherwise

If if you're looking for a lady who's very easy or a guy who's very easy Then odds are that lady or guy is very easy with more people than just you Yeah, and but it's also just not fair You don't know her yet. You guys got a close relationship on tinder. Does that she didn't fuck you that doesn't mean that she's easy Yeah, yeah, he's also like jumping to way way way conclusions Right if anything I feel like you have delusions of grandeur, which is like, oh man. Yeah, we connected really quick on tinder So she probably fucks everyone There's a chance she would just straight up reject you if she met you ass

She definitely would reject you if she saw that email which she's going to Why is it showing me a 34 year old here? I'm just swiping right now Sometimes if it slips through the cracks. Yes, swipe right see what happens I feel like it would slip through the cracks because it was a match really. I don't know. It's my theory uh But she's she's only been active two hours ago. Have you ever swiped someone to the left or right just because of a name? No, well this girl's kind of a babe, too What's her name?

I don't want to say her name. I feel weird. Rita. There's an x in it. Let me see Oh, hello mama See I don't I don't feel hello mama's ever maybe tinder's not for me That's not true. I guess I feel it, but I don't say hello mama Yeah, what's like them when you like want somebody are you like, oh man, I want to you do you never feel like I want to Fuck that person uh I guess you don't have like animalistic attraction to anybody. I do have

This girl's also cute. Do you want to fuck her? See I don't I know I don't go there. What do you think of? I'm like, oh, it would be fun to hang out with her and see Well, what if she's a piece of shit? We get along really she's not a piece of shit because honestly don't even talk about her like that She's my she's my baby shared interest hoodie alan. Oh, that's Sniper, but it says active six hours ago. Just swipe it anyway though. All right. I'll swipe. I'll swipe relax Oh, this girl kind of looks like sarah schneider Whoa, wait a second. It is Sarah schneider

Doesn't she she looks so much like sarah schneider. That's weird. Wow Sarah, how dare you you have a boyfriend. You changed your name to jenny and you're 23 years old. I think how dare you Absolutely Um, where were we on this guy? You really get lost in this app. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. This is why I like This is why I've been like not effective as a writing partner for the last year So we haven't written a new episode in over an hour This is why like sometimes we'll be on the couch and you'll like say something and I'm just not looking at you or listening

It's because you're like judging judging. Yes. Well at some point No, you know soon you're gonna have messages and then you'll be like, oh man. I have to respond to these messages Oh, geez and then it's fun. Oh god, it's fun It's weird because I sometimes I like the name, but I don't like the person Should I still swipe her to the right just the name? Yeah You think someone like the name is mckenzie is cute So you're gonna swipe her to the right because you want to say hi mckenzie. Yeah, or annie or lucy or something. Oh, those are cute That's what those are like, uh

Wait, so you never have animalistic. I want to fuck you Uh, I don't know if my brain jumps to that right away. I think like, oh that girl's pretty but you're not asexual No, I'm not asexual But I don't think it's like at the forefront of my brain when I meet people You're not asexual and uh, I am asexual asexual deviant is what I am Another cute lady who's sharing just a seamless web I'm gonna start liking seamless. I'm gonna go home. Oh, this girl's run a marathon. There you go But should I have a marathon photo in my thing? No, maybe

Or is it too like on the nose like a little like bragging? No, it's pretty cool. I think it's cool Especially like the thing is you throw up something like the marathon photo You'll meet a lot of people who are gonna who are gonna swipe you and be like, hey, I run too And then I'm like, oh that was uh, uh five years ago Yeah, that's how I am with I just have a climbing photo in there and I haven't climbed in like Eight months. So I feel bad being like well actually that's a that's a good segue into another question we got Uh, this one comes from tinder actually He writes, hey dudes

I'm an 18 year old male in high school who decided to join tinder a couple days ago And I just have a couple questions about how to use this gift from god One of them is that I have gained some weight since the last photo I posted on facebook Not that much around 10 pounds and I was wondering if I should put new photos on facebook or just leave the ones I have right now and lose the weight These aren't the only two options that are available any option any advice would help maybe even some weight loss tips Many thanks tinder cut out carbs be the man in your photo be the man you'd rather be yeah What are we gonna suggest uh putting a fat photo of you up rather than you losing weight?

Here's some here's some inspirational advice put the photos on tinder that you want people to see that's the man you want That's the person that you want attracting people and then you become the guy in your photos Oh, I see you can do that man. I'm trying to think what my photos on tinder are Maybe I'll see you. No, I won't because I'm a I'm a it says dude looking for chicks, right? You can't see me Trust me. Actually unless you're bi or something. Whoa, you just came up. Oh, absolutely not Absolutely not All right, actually, I think let's uh, let's just answer questions for the next 10 minutes

Let let your swipes sink in you think so. Yeah How many swipes have you done? Easily a thousand I could do a thousand now Jesus easily a thousand it's a never-ending stream, right? Yeah, I mean in new york I remember when I downloaded it in seattle for you swiped all the 30 minutes. I just I swiped them. I Yeah, I ruined it. I downloaded tinder in iceland and uh, I went on

There was eight people or something like that in all of reiki Vic And I swiped them all they were gone and then there was nothing and then I would just like look every single day And like someday there was just a new person. So like one day Olga she just she just joined or something. I swiped her to the left. It's like no new matches. No one around you Like, oh, no Olga come back to me. You and me. Oh okay

I found a lady who was active eight minutes ago. There we go. Is she cute? um She's she's attractive, but not necessarily right for me Swipe to the right Oh, this is another no it didn't match god damn it, dude Ass have you ever accidentally swiped someone to the left and you're like, wait, wait, come back Yeah, it's a gut punch because you'll never see that person again Yeah, it is like I've done it a couple times

Swiped to the left too quick and it's just like that was the one she was my soulmate She would have been it. I could have deleted the app after her. That's actually your That's the movie you're writing about the one that got away the one that swiped away the one that swiped to left Oh my gosh Mercy Mercy Did we give this guy advice? Yeah, lose the weight cut out carbs. That'll do it if you're drinking alcohol. Why don't you just no no no sweet drinks, uh, no carbs

Uh, that's easy for you to say because you've also probably gained 10 pounds in the last, uh X amount of months. How dare you right? I mean, aren't you are you the fattest you've been for a good amount of time? Right now. Yeah, I'm the fattest. I've been in a while Have you ever not swiped a girl because she's out of her out of your league and you know that she won't You No, this girl's like goddamn Dying was that girl. I there was that girl. Um, let's call her tinder There I swiped her. Do you remember that? I like she was so hot that I screamed. Oh wow that girl's gorgeous

I mean, she's like she's not gonna swipe a Jew a loser Jew actually Like her just in case but she hasn't been online in like seven days either the hot ones never have been Because they don't need it. Yeah I but I oh instead I just go out and uh meet the hottest guys Thanks tinder girl. Like why would you ever? Oh my god? Just like it must be so exhausting Just dodging dodging guys all the time But oh wait, do you remember that girl? I screen shot at her while I was just looking at her because she was so hot And then I obviously didn't match

literally Three months go by and I got an alert that was like you you and so and so matched and I looked through her pictures And it was her and I was like it blew my mind and I like screen shot and I told everybody I told so many people and then like I wrote hey and then nothing for a day and then she wrote back like a really long message and asked me a question I was like holy shit. Is this for real? And then I realized and then I wrote her back. I asked her a question I heard back the next day. I was so excited. Then I wrote her back again And then she was just like nothing that was it the end nothing ever again

She was gone for a week and I was every single day I would just look at my phone and be like did she did she respond did she do anything? No, never and finally Jeff Rosenberg was like just you should just message her and be like let's get a drink Like you have nothing to lose. Yeah at this point. It's over. So finally I messaged her. I was like, hey, let's get a drink Nothing what is the end? Well, that actually takes me to a question. We didn't receive over the Email but a question that I received to my text messages, which was uh, that's the star treatment If you ask enough questions you get here's number and you can text. We'll call my friend Jay Jay writes to me, uh specifically a text. Um, he said

Well, oh it was like we got a question about how a guy matched with a girl and she didn't text him back And he's like that I understand the real question is What happened? Why is it when a girl? Matches with you responds to your message things are going well and then she just disappears. Yeah, that's tough Does that happen to you? It happened with this fucking smoke show that I was in love with So just conversation or you match which means you both find yourself attractive enough to at least swipe each other one direction very quickly Right, and then you start a conversation. She responds And one day just stops. I think it can be a lot of things. I think it could be like

her Meeting somebody else, you know, maybe out in real life or maybe also on tender like she must have a ton of I mean If you're a girl that's attractive, I feel like you get matched every single time you swipe someone to the right All right, because there's some girls who probably have like an 80 to 90 Swipe right right and I mean whenever they swipe to the right. It's obviously someone who's already swiped them to the right Yeah, and like I Dude, I have a fucking I have a really tight tinder game. I am a beast in that I really am a beast in that regard. There must have been somebody out there who ran a tighter game than me

Or like maybe she got back together with her ex or maybe she got hit by a bus, which I'm hoping is what happened But like I think there's just a million reasons and also I've definitely stopped talking to girls So I'm just like, you know what? I can already tell we wouldn't vibe. There was that girl. Do you remember that girl that was like I invited her out and she was like upset that I invited her to a group thing And then she was like gonna come and I was like, yeah, this is where we are and she's like who's with you Like are there any girls and I was like, yeah There are some girls here

We were like our friends and she and then she was like no like girls can be bitches and I was like it sounds like you Specifically are the bitches. Yeah, my friends are nice Nobody would be mean to you you meanie and but like it just put me off so much that she'd be like, uh, no Like girls are such bitches. I'm not gonna come out and meet your friends I guess like in retrospect. I was inviting her to a group hang instead of taking her out But like that's what tinder is. I don't have to like take someone a coffee. It's like it's not it's not okay cupid No, although here is uh Your your your your preference is to invite people out to a group hang. It's never to meet one-on-one, right?

Yeah, I hate meeting one-on-one because there's too much pressure. It's just not as fun Like I like that. I like you want the home court advantage Well, I would go out with I guess I wouldn't want to go out her friends Yeah, I want the home court advantage I mean, I used to do this thing with Dave Rosenberg. This is some unsolicited advice for anybody out there dating. I used to We called it, uh Coorded date Oh, like that coordinate. That's funny. See you coordinate tinder dates

It would just turn into a double date So I'd go out with someone and I'd be like, hey, I'm gonna go to the white hotel and I would go Show up with my date solo and then Dave would come a half hour later And I'd be like, oh Hey, this is my friend Dave. What are you doing here, man? And then we'd be the rest of the night We get to be on a double date So what you do is is uh sneakily force a girl that you didn't want to double date into a double date Exactly because then it's like it's more fun. I don't want to miss a night hanging out with my buddies

Because you want to have the group hang and then also the babe hang. I want to have my cake and fuck it too Which one's the cake Dave? Okay Um, are there like tinder? I mean you you've used it for so long You probably like start noticing formulas like a girl who sort of looks attractive in her uh profile picture, but it's like a Uh exterior shot or like a faraway shot. You're like, oh, I know that she's only doing this to hide something Like later on like is there anything like that that you noticed or like Yeah, we're talking about girls because jakes jakes only seem girls, but i'm sure guys do this too, right? I mean, well, I specifically do it. I mean everybody puts up their best photos for sure. Yeah, no one puts up their worst photo

That's what you should have to do somebody else would have to choose your worst photo But I feel like anyone can look ugly. It's just like and anyone can look attractive. Yeah So I think you just I don't know. But you can't you can't tell when somebody is unattractive or when somebody's trying to hide something Um, I can also at this point. I can tell when I'm gonna match someone. I know when I will yeah How I don't know. I just I just get a feeling and how often are you wrong with that feeling? Never What that's not true. I mean, I'm wrong sometimes But I also like I think I swipe so much that like I don't even match when I swipe anymore I only get alerts that are like so-and-so has matched you

Oh, so you're like you're racing out ahead of the field So far ahead of the field that there's like not a lot of girls left in new york for me I bet I can swipe all of new york before I go That's your that should be your goal Well, what's your mile radius set to because in new york is very concentrated. Yeah, new york I do I vacillate between four and five Oh, really? Yeah, so that's like Does that even get to the west side of Manhattan would want it? No, I don't think like Manhattan kids don't want me What I'm just like I'm brooklyn all the way

You think so I think so, huh? All right, I really I really do. You know, it's gonna be fun. It's when we're on a road trip and like Swiping swiping in Arkansas But isn't that also are we gonna run at the same problem of like we're not gonna be in places long enough for Yeah, but I think people like on tinder is so is so like not The stakes aren't very high. You don't have to be like no one's looking for their actual soulmate Everyone's just looking for fun. So you're like, hey, I'm just here for

Like a lot of people's bios in new york actually are like NYC for the weekend, right? And that'll be if that's their tagline. Oh, I guess that's nice Have you ever swept a girl to the right so hard that your phone broke? What I've swiped to the right so hard that I crashed the app once I really have I think I swiped so hard I yo swipe so hard. My fucks want to find me. That's shit. Craig. That's it. That's it tinder Do you want to take over with me for a while? I feel like I'm being too you're I mean you're I've lost you you're mesmerized. You're not even going out tonight anymore. Are you why would I we had plans I have all the digital ladies. I need right here. I can see the reflection of them in your glasses

It's the saddest little thing just to imagine you here alone an hour after we've recorded the podcast you haven't cleaned up. Well You said there's nothing shameful about tinder, but would you use it in public? um Probably not there's nothing shameful about being on it, but I think there's something a little shameful about like Actively seeking ladies on digital worlds in just like while you're doing something I mean, I feel like I've been somewhere where it was totally normal to like Look at a tinder message, you know just waiting in line somewhere Or like that little flame goes up and I'm like, oh god, I should that's why actually I had an idea for an app

Because I have okay cupid and tinder I have an idea for an app that just makes it look like it So it just makes it look like the new york times news feed when I'm on tinder That's what it should be when I launched the app It's an in white. Yeah, and it looks like a crossword. That's funny. That's what it should be um All right, look we have time for one more by the way You said I could take over and then you you never handed your phone over to me

Well, let me read this one. We're like, oh here you should take over for me and then you just Rapid right swipe I think we should keep on playing the next time we're on the podcast. We'll talk about the matches that you yet Okay, that's good. Um Oh, here we go Hey, dude, so I went on my first tinder date last night. This girl's very pretty and fun But she did something that kind of rubbed me the wrong way She invited two of her girlfriends out to scope out the date

She doesn't know that I knew they were there, but I recognized them from the pics she sent me Should I not go out with her again because of this that is super creepy. That's weird. I wouldn't go out with her again But maybe that's maybe she's just been like, uh Terrorite like maybe she has like a bad uh Because a lot of girls like I've heard of girls doing like Hey, I'm gonna go out a date with some guy Text me in the middle and if it's not going well, I'll say it's an emergency Right. I think that doesn't speak negatively on him

And it speaks negatively on dudes and like I don't blame her because a lot of dudes are awful Yeah, but like to invite your friends to the bar. That's I think that's ridiculous But maybe she's like she had she had she fucking she asked people to spy. That's not okay. That's espionage That's actually a treason. I think she's a traitor on the usa I think she's worse than julien assange. Actually. Yeah, she's a regular goddamn edwards Edward snowden I think Sometimes when I can't uh think of a word I just pretend this stutter and it sounds like this is advice again

Unsolicited advice if you ever need to like sound smart you just like stutter Oh, yeah, and like I couldn't think of the word edward snowden It's good to get advice to sound smart from you actually So goddamn it Edward snowden like it sounds like you knew it the entire time you intentionally stutter But what really what's really happening is that you don't know you're going through the mental rolodex of your mind But what if you never get there? He's just like a goddamn John won't smooth. Yeah, we like god damn

And then you start laughing like I can't finish the joke you get it though No, you obviously know who he is. Oh, this girl cute though. Huh? What's that? You're not speaking to the microphone. This girl cute though, huh? You made me do before What I was like, I want to I want to do I want to I want to get pizza, huh? Oh, yeah What Sorry, I can't understand you. I want to get pizza. Wait, what? What do you want to get? I said, huh? I want to get pizza ham. No I just want it

Just like a mom who's like boiling down her cool. Use your words. I'm I said that I wanted to get pizza, huh? All right What is it good for absolutely pizza? Let's say it again Oh my god, this girl's tata are yaya You're please Oh, I would love to motorboat this this broad there should be a tinder just for bios So like it'll that'll be my time to shine like just based on bios that would I would dominate that tinder

I feel like that's really nice. Yeah, we're like your tinder bio is anti-symmetics. I don't see how you How you dominate another one of my advantages over the rest of uh humankind Is that I'm normal and most guys are not right every feel like that's hard to get across and a tinder profile The thing is once once once we meet mean you will both do great because you're funny And like any any time I've ever met a girl from tinder. She is like, oh my god. I'm so happy. You're so normal Yeah, which is crazy 95 of dudes. You wouldn't want to hang out with them. It's hard to meet up with people But once you do

All you have to do is not be a fucking weirdo and it's it's crazy. It works every single time. I've never ever ever Not been happy With someone Not been happy with someone. Sorry. I've never ever not fucked I like a episode 32 or whatever. This is when like you decide I finally got shy I'm I'm gonna put my foot down. I think on being cool Uh, this has been more than enough. I'm happy. That's what it is

All right, give me my phone back. Are you done tinder? Or you want to tinder more? Uh, I think well, like you said, maybe we should wait give it a couple days We planted the seeds and we'll see if any tinder tinder bushes grow. I really think I really think it's going to happen Uh, I want I want you to go on. Here's what I want to happen before we leave new york I want to have one uh show where we talk about your matches and like the messages But I don't want I feel anybody you meet. Yeah, I don't want to be like a dating podcast where it's like Oh, then we talked about you. I sort of want to like leave it at that. We did our little piece No, we're gonna do one more. We're gonna do one little follow-up. That's it. All right. Just just of conversation

For me, I want you to for me. I want you to go out on a date Out of tinder date, but that's just for you. That's a separate podcast and only you'll listen to Me recording the recap. I also I'm going to start another tinder podcast just straight up tinder talk tinder talk We do get a lot of questions. So tinder talk coming this fall Um, we wanted to give some shout out. Oh, we didn't even say what email with the email addresses or what the show's about This has been a real like hell bent on getting laid on tinder I hope this isn't the first episode someone's listening. Well, here's the I think this is a big problem is that like, um If you're on tinder 2 then everything goes to shit right now

You have it all together and I'm trying to get laid all the time And if you start just like using tinder and uh, yeah, everything is just going to fall by the way Maybe I'll like give it a couple days and I'll just let tinder catch up. I'll get I'll get off it while you're on it I think that's the only it's like a seesaw when I'm down. You're up in the other way around I'm gonna do that for you. So the way this show usually works is that we get advice We get people who email us in from who they're in a difficult place in their lives And they don't really know what to do and they uh, they're seeking our advice And we try to offer it to them

And if you find yourself in a difficult place in your life and you made it this far in the podcast Uh, then you obviously find us entertaining enough to listen to for 49 minutes. Uh, it's been 49 minutes No, I think it's been over 40. Yeah, it's been closer to 50 minutes. God damn it Uh Check out or you can email us at if I were you show at gmail.com. Yes, if I were you show not every episode is us Uh, uh drinking ready to go out trying to meet babes Although usually it's jake. That's at least jake's bra. Uh modus operandi. I dare you But um, so yeah, email us if you find yourself in a dark place in your life

And you we want our help to guide you out And uh, we are giving still shout outs to people who leave us reviews on itunes because it really helps out So thank you our attend Danny maren tie summers linskins nine and lily and pagaza. You think they're on tinder probably And I'd swipe their itunes review to the right Actually, uh, so thanks guys and thanks for listening. This has been a silly different episode But you know what? It's a bonus thursday episode. Let's go wacky everyone crying. Oh, no You're upset that you didn't match. I didn't I didn't not a single goddamn match. Well, no, it's not fair A lot of people are just out on a saturday. You'll you'll match

Yes, you should be able to organize ladies by when the last time they used tinder. I say that all the time. I actually wrote in There's like a suggest uh suggestion box thing on tinder and that's what I did What like only show me people who've been active in the last x yeah, because sometimes I'll just show you like well Sorry, I don't like go on a fucking way. I get into it. This is this is the tinder episode Sometimes you'll see people that have been active for like a month and it's like, hey, I'm not gonna match with this person Why show them to me don't even give me the option probably having used they're probably done using the app Yeah, or what about can I recommend this as a as a thing? No group or dual photos in the top picture. Yo, and how about no fatties? You know I'm saying

insane How dare you? No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding Fuck me. Oh, no, actually I can't What do I You're absolutely stuck. Let's go before it's too late. Oh that first song was from two julietes We said that but this last outro one instead of it's another sitcom-esque themed one I shouldn't say another because it's our first one, but it's from a guy named

Blake Blake, so thanks guys and thanks for listening. We'll be back on monday. Peace Find me on tinder. No, please don't Ah Life's got you down Nothing feels right Well, I'll tell you what You ought to do tonight. Oh if I were you You I'd like taken a mirror and if I were you I'd email them in

If I were you as filmed in front of a live studio audience That was it. That was our episode. So thank you again so much to legal zoom That's legal zoom.com for all your business needs. Once again, legal zoom is not a law firm So it'll save you a pile. Yes a pile one pile of cash. Thanks again everybody