If I Were You - 331: Ass Man (w/Thomas Middleditch!)

Episode Date: May 24, 2018

Friend and Comedian Thomas Middleditch joins us live in Winnipeg! We discuss real butts, fake teeth, and sibling sex. If you like this live show, come see one for yourself! We'll be in Amsterdam on June 4, London on June 6, and Dublin on June 10!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Another week, another live Canadian bonus Thursday episode with a great Thomas Middleditch. This one is from our Winnipeg show. If you are listening to this, maybe you want to see us live in Amsterdam on June 4th in London on June 6th in Dublin on June 10th. Tickets still available for the Amsterdam and London shows. We hope you can make it. The tickets will be at ifirishow.com or jaconamere.com. Make a trip of it.

Come to Europe with us. That's not insane. We're going to Europe. You can do it too. All right. Without further ado, enjoy this episode live from the Bert Cummings Theatre in Winnipeg with Thomas Middleditch. Jake and Amir!

What the fuck are we doing out here? Wow. Wow. Sit down. Sit down. Oh, God. For everybody listening at home, we got a fucking standing o. Sit.

Sit. I got to cut that down. Sit. That was 11 minutes. Oh, 11 minutes of a sit. We have to start the show. We have to start the show. Oh, my God.

Cut it down. We have to start the show. Really? Because we have like... They were giving it up for a fucking Squarespace fan. It's crazy. Can you believe that? Please sit down.

Mr. President. Thank you. Jesus Christ. Is that Trudeau or our president? No, Obama's here with fucking Trudeau. I'm sorry. Thank you, my God. It was 69-ing.

I'm humble. And why wouldn't you? I'm humble. Why wouldn't you? I'm humble. Is that Mr. fucking Bean? Canada's own Rowan Jordan Atkinson? He's doing...

So the most impressive people that could come to the show are Trudeau, Obama, and Mr. Bean? The big three. Really? They're on my Mount Rushmore of why did you do it? Before. Oscar the Grouch. So sad.

Winnipeg, we are so excited to be here for the first time ever. For a show. Yeah. We feel the excitement. We feel the energy. My God. Imagine that we're just podcasters. Yeah.

It doesn't really make sense, but we're honored. We almost didn't make it. We were detained. We didn't know Canada had it in them. Quite honestly, good on you, Winnipeg. They're a little mistrustful. They're like, why do you want to come to Winnipeg? Which makes sense.

I kind of misconstrued it as delusions of grandeur. Like, oh, maybe someone wants to... Nobody wants to bomb you, Winnipeg. That already happened with the snow. Yeah. God already bombed you. You should be sucking my dick to get in. Which is what I said, so we were detained.

That's why we were detained. Yeah. I was tased. Actually, the officer, we had our passport and our forms, which were filled out very hastily, but I gave it to her and she's like, oh, you're that comedian. You're doing the show tonight.

Yeah, I wanted to go. Yeah. Go sit in that room over there. This was 90 minutes ago. So we're like, we don't have a lot of time, but we'll sit in the room. But you know me, right? From the podcast.

Yeah, go sit in the room. Pants down, spread your ass, cheese. Rubber glove. So tell me about iTunes. Oh! And then she said, my friends are going to be there. Yeah, she said somebody named Ben. And Sarah.

No, Sarah? Ben and Sarah? Sarah and Ben. Does somebody named Ben work at... Do you know Officer Hyatt? Jill Hyatt? She molested me. Unrelated to security.

Yeah. This was 11 years ago. At a Timmy Hose. Wait, you know her? You know Officer Hyatt, is it? I don't know. You wish you knew her? You wish you...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She fucking fingered my friend in front of my eyes. Is that fair to you guys? But it is fun to be here despite how freaking cold it is. That's fine. Everyone can get used to it. Somebody tweeted at me today that it's not cold, but it is snowing a lot.

So it is cold. I'm from Los Angeles. If it's freezing, that's freezing. And if it's colder than freezing, that's also cold. But here in Winnipeg, it can be negative too. And you guys are like, that's not that cold, right? That's fine. That's a nice day.

There was a guy wearing shorts. Oh yeah? That dude was wearing shorts. There was a guy on our plane. He was just wearing shorts. He was wearing Birkenstocks with no socks. He was like fucking Frodo going over the... What?

What'd you say to me? What'd you say to me, man? What did you say? You said Bilbo Baggins to me. I'm sorry, man. I'm more of a two-towers kind of guy, but that's cool. No, it's not cool. It actually is pretty cool.

You don't think it's cool? You don't think it's cool that Aragorn Strider won his crown back? I don't think that's really cool. I don't think that's a fat fantasy writer wrote something. You keep eating it up. JRR token wasn't fat, I think. Anyway, like I said, we're not in Canada very often. So it is very exciting to be here.

We thought since we do our podcast sometimes with some friends, we should bring a special guest here. And what better special guest to bring than our... What? He said Bilbo Baggins again. You're obsessed. Oh, Dildo Baggins. That's better.

What better person to bring than our favourite Canadian friend? Yeah. Right, friend of the podcast. You've seen him on Silicon Valley. Yeah. They already know now. Perhaps you've heard him in Captain Underpants. Please put your hands together for Thomas Middleditch.

Thomas Middleditch! We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Can you smell? The wrong line. Yeah, just I'm still stuck in that like WWF raw mentality, man. That's awesome. Attitude.

You could have done the Hunter Hearst Helmsley like water spit thing. Yeah? Yeah, you could have. Well, I could have. No, but instead I did the rock. I'm sorry, is he not big enough for you? You're already mad at us. You want triple H, I'm giving you the rock.

That's how I understage now. It's just a solid WWE reference. That was pretty good. It wasn't the 11-minute standing O we got, but these people are very pumped. Yeah, no, you guys are very kind. I grew up in British Columbia. I've never been to Manitoba. It's pretty cool.

It's beyond flat. I can't believe how flat it is. What's flatter than flat? You grow up and they're like, oh, you go to Manitoba, it's flat. And you're like, okay, man, chill. Like, oh, yeah. And then they'll roll a Canadian air far stupid open open.

You're like, I get it. It's the same old joke I heard for 12 years, but it's right. It's right. It's absurd. It's as if it's like the top of a garden. And no, I'm like, I'm doing the top of like a no, like a perfectly poured Stella Artois. Oh, there you go.

It just filled up and they went, yeah, with a little they have the spring and ah, it's like, you could celebrate it in such a way like it's so flat. It's like fucking perfect. And it also, it also does reek of beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Much like a Stella Artois. Beer in an old bar.

Yeah. I hate Winnipeg. Oh my God. Such a good song. That's the only time where you can say, I hate Winnipeg. You're like, yeah, we fucking love that song. It's true.

What's the song? It's I Hate Winnipeg by the Weaker, by the Weaker then. Can we play it? We play a clip. We got a clip. Don't we? Um, it's, yeah, it's one of the few good Canadian songs. It's really good.

It's really good. What about One Week? That and Anything by BNL. Yeah, dude. No, I was being very sarcastic. I had the, I had the Bear Naked Ladies Greatest Hits album. It's a single. Dad.

Get out of the rec room. We're playing Sega. You guys want to sit down and answer some questions? Yeah. Uh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, if you guys need us, we're just going to be over here.

It would have been fun if you came out while they were applauding and then just left. That was it. Yeah. All right, that's my time. We can only afford to get Thomas for 15 seconds. I thought it was worth it for the rock thing. Uh, so who here has heard our podcast before?

Was anybody here dragged by a friend that's like, you got to listen to this podcast. And they're like, all right, I'll come with you, but I don't promise to like it. All inside jokes from now on. Yeah. This one's for the day ones. Yeah.

Get your crowd closed out, bitches. You don't get that, do you? Don't worry, they'll play it for you on the way home and it won't be funny then either. If you're not going to seize the cheese shirt, you leave now. This is a classic, you know, it's a classic audio page. It's a joke.

It's a talk-em-up. Yeah, you got the phrases and the zips and the zoos. Yeah. You've never listened to an episode. It's so clear now. No, I find it offensive. You've been on them. I find it really offensive.

But for those of you who haven't heard, let me just explain to you very quickly. It's an advice show, a podcast. People will email us from around the world. They're in sticky situations. They don't know who to turn to. They figure, hey, Jake and Amir and Thomas could probably figure it out.

Sometimes we answer these questions alone, trembling naked, afraid and wet in our studio. Have you ever been wet with us in our studio? I can't say that I have, no. No, yeah. We haven't done a wet episode. God damn it, do I want to be. What'd you say?

Huh? What the fuck? What did you say to Thomas? What'd you just fucking say to Thomas? I'll say you've never done a wet episode. It's a quick little. But why would we be wet on a podcast? Yeah.

I don't know. Like in a pool or like out of the pool but still wet. What are you getting at? I wasn't. I didn't think that far. I don't know. It was just a funny little thing like too magical. It's soaking wet.

It sounds like you're just like really into it. That's all. No, I'm not into it. I don't know. It'd be wet if the air conditioning's on that I could imagine a more uncomfortable situation. Yeah. Just sitting in front of Mike's wet, cold,

talking about bullshit. What a dumb idea. What a dumb idea. Yeah. It was just a silly little thing. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah.

Silly is right. Yeah. Oh, wow. Anyway, so a lot of it is infighting like that. But sometimes we get to the root of these real people's real issues. All we need is a fake name to preserve them. Wow. You, sir, right there in the front, you have a booming voice.

And you came ready to shout something. Whoa. You yelled Crandis. You're Crandis. I've finally caught you. You've been to every live show we've ever done. Toadot to you. All right.

Here we go. Crandis writes, long time listener, first time writer, I've managed to talk myself out of a lot of different situations in my life, avoiding conversations based on myself, not to give any clues away. But recently I've managed to put myself into a tricky pickle. That's right. A few nights a week, I've been going to an Irish bar and I keep meeting the same dime. We've been drinking and dancing and we really hit it off.

She's a goddess. The kind of girl you would take a kick in the balls for just to see a titty. God, that's fucking romantic. He must have wrote this pre-me too. Pre-two. Pre-two. Hashtag pre-two. So after a few meetings, I decided to look up the girl in some casual Instagram and Facebook

searches, as one is wont to do. And I saw she had mutual friends. By the way, did I mention I have a girlfriend of a few months and the girl I've been drinking with is her younger sister? Help. I love my girlfriend. No, you don't. But things really hit it off with her sis.

Do I break up with my girl or try my luck spreading the KFC family bucket thighs of this 10 out of 10 holler at your boy, Crandis. That was this guy. Let's go up for Crandis. Crandis. And do they have Kentucky fried chicken in Canada? Yeah, we got them. We got it.

So Kentucky is the state in America. They know. They get it. They get it. And chicken, you know what chickens are. They have that here, right? It's just you that doesn't know anything about Canada. Okay, that's fair.

So is it legal to go from a girlfriend to her younger sister that you've been drinking with at an Irish bar? Older sister? She said younger. Okay. Is it legal? Is it legal? It's legal.

It is legal. It could be considered widely so poor form. Frowned upon. As Captain Hook says in the movie Hook, poor form. So it's legal, but it's frowned upon, you think? Well, you know, I'm always in, you know, I say pursue your happiness, my friend. So that's really what he thinks is going to be good. I mean, you got to go get that.

So what if pursuing your happiness is pursuing other people's sadness? That's, um, that's then you're like a mortal enemy of Batman, I think. Then Batman comes. That's, I mean, that's all the advice. Like go ahead. That's true. But Batman would think you were an asshole. Yeah, yeah.

That's like what would Batman do? What would Batman do? He wouldn't kill anybody. He wouldn't. That's his one rule. What's the nicest way to do this? If you break up with the sister and then date the other sister. There's no nice way to do this.

Why is there a nice way? Because the proximity is too close. So you can never nicely date your lover's sister. Sister is off the nice table forever. Only if the original, only if the original sister was like, Hey, I don't think you and I should date. You know who I think would be a better match? My younger sister.

It has to be the system. It's called incis-der-ip-tion. Incis-der-ip-tion. Incis-der-ip-tion. Incis-der-ip-tion. Incis-der-ip-tion. Incis-tion. Yes.

An incest-inception-ception. It's an incest-inception-exception. That's an incest-inception-invention-invention. You stick it to her dreams, you see. It has to be the sister's idea. But how to convince her that this is a good idea? Well, you see, well, the question that I can't ask grand us is what is he thinking with? What is he thinking with his little wiener or thinking with his head?

Like, is he just like the younger sister because she's a dime, I believe he put it? He said a 10 out of 10 crispy chicken bucket of thighs. Yeah, he wants to get in his, the fucking slap around in a chicken bucket. I've always said the best way to a lady's heart is to compare her vagina to a greasy bucket of chicken. Is finger licking good? No. Family size.

Family size. That's just like, bam. That's where the incest comes back. Yeah. I do declare, be still, my heart. I'm more of a grilled chicken guy. What? Did you say to me?

Greesa. Greesa? That is the dumbest idea. We're trying to get this guy out unscathed. Just sister hop into the better sister or the worse sister. Wait, what did they say? Threesome. Oh, threesome.

Oh, I thought like three subs, like just three, six inches. Whatever you want. That's how you get a girl. Fuck it. See? Subway. You buy her a BMT. Oh, yeah.

Threesome. See, that, okay. It's a very funny, you know, look, I'm not poo-pooing threesome, but I think if you had a threesome and you looked over and there were sisters, you'd be like, I feel fucking real weird right now. But you two should feel super weird. Yeah. I think it would feel awesome, but weird for them.

If you have a threesome, is it still incest? No. Yeah. If it's a good threesome. If it's a good threesome, like the quick answer is yes, but nobody's thinking about it. Because you're in between. If you, if you, if they're not kissing, but you're kissing one sister, then you're kissing the other.

And I'm not saying this is what I want to do. I'm saying this is just what this guy and those guys wanted to do. Yeah. Is it, is that incest, if you're just around your sister or brother while they're having sex? Let's, let's swap the genders. Sure. You got two bros and a girl in the middle.

That's disgusting. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Just qualify. I'm physically ill. Ugh. Ugh. USA.

USA. What? If I even see my brother fully clothed, I'm gay. So you've never seen your brother? Oh, I have. Oh, okay. So, so this is you coming out. What a weird way to come out.

I guess now. Oh, that's. Anyway, back to the naked sisters fucking you two, naked brothers now. Okay. So if the brothers have the girl in a two V one situation and one V, okay, cause like sorry, one V two D's. Nice. Thank you, but if you're doing that, you call him two P's.

Oh yeah. Two, one V, two P's. Two P's. Two P's and a V pod. Continue. Just let it finish, man. If it's, and they don't interact the bros, they just kind of do a two versus one kind of situation.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like an old. Like an old tower of sorority. No, because the old tower is interaction. If you high five, that's incest. It has to be even fully clothed again. That's why you've never shaken my brother's hand.

I guess it's not technically incest, but I can't imagine a scenario where I would just be okay with looking over and seeing my brother kissing or fucking or doing anything. That would just, that would be like, oh, Jesus, like everything's changed now. Yeah. What's the next dinner like with your family? So fuck you and your threesome suggestions is what my point is. I like the idea of the guy who asked this question listening to the podcast. Oh, they gave me an answer.

And it's just Tom is being like, if I saw my brother fucking and look, I like him. I like the guy. I can't imagine if your relationship's already complicated and then what if you saw Thomas's brother fully closed or I'm gay? Really? Wait, so if you see any brother, no, no, no, I'm just gay. Oh, yeah. And sometimes I see people and sometimes I don't.

That's awesome. Yeah. I'm related to my sexual orientation. Good shit. Cheers. All right. Let's see what else we got. Cheers.

What are we cheersing to? To fucking your brother, I guess. Good man. Frank Middleton. And you had whiskey. Now we're traveling. Now we're having fun. So wait, do we conclude?

Do we? Is that it? Or do we do? You're saying it's not nice to do. I'm saying you can do it, but it's frowned upon. It's it's frowned upon. It's cried upon. It's beyond frowned upon.

There's just no escape. If you did that switch, the original sister would be mad. That would jeopardize their relationship, unless maybe it's on the way out. But he also said he loves the original sister. But what if the new girl gets married to the guy, then I feel like it's a funny story. It's like, you know, I used to date. I used to fuck your aunt. They'll love that at Thanksgiving.

Yeah. And everyone's back together. You know, I used to fuck your aunt. Yeah. Pass the chicken. What's the deal with Canadian Thanksgiving? It's the same thing. Is it really?

It's the exact same thing. But you don't have, but not on the same. Is it on the same day? No, it's in October. But you don't have. That's on American. Yeah. By design.

All right. What is it? Asylum. Where's the embassy? Take me back. Please. The Detroit. I don't care.

I'll go. Mike Pence carries you offstage. I'll fucking go. I'm threatened. All right. Yeah. Can we get a lady's name? Jill Hyatt.

Oh, Jill Hyatt. Right away. What's your name? Jill Hyatt. Oh, Jill Hyatt. Sure. Did Ben or Sarah yell that? No, they're from over there.

This is a different person. Her name. We said it a lot at the top of the show. Very good. Who do you work for? Who do you work for? Uh, Jill Hyatt writes, I went down to Mexico. On a solo backpacking trip last week.

Hot. I ended up breaking my foot on the first night. Hot. Swing. So now I'm stuck in Mexico. I wasn't expecting. A bummer. Most people play a lot of money to go there.

Mr. I wasn't expecting to meet anybody, but then I met Mike. He arrived on Valentine's Day and we hit it off. Do you guys have Valentine's Day in Canada? Or is it like Canadian Valentine's Day? Yeah, it's called Canadian Valentine's. Which is like in January or some fucked up shit. Everything's so ass backwards up here. Yeah.

What do you eat? Vanilla? I want to go back to America with our fucking mass shootings and no health insurance. Who do you work for? He arrived on Valentine's Day and we hit it off. Playing around that he was my Valentine. He helped me out so much that trip and we did not stop laughing. Eventually we started joking about how everyone would come back for a reunion at our wedding next year.

We playfully spoke about how many kids we would have if I would move to the U.S. or he would move to Canada. That's right, she's Canadian. Well, the game of marriage chicken had begun. We decided to take some Molly together and watch the sunset on our last night. Tell everyone how dead serious we were about getting married till he went out and bought a ring and jokingly proposed. I had to take the joke even further and suggest that we get married.

The whole hostel pitched in together and threw us a beach wedding with rings, bows, and a priest. We kissed and I guessed it sparked something in us because we stayed up all night fucking on the beach. Yeah, it was the kiss, not the Molly. Fuck. It was either the chemical drugs or the drugs. Fuck.

It was either the chemical drugs or the smooch. We said tearful goodbyes the next day and I thought I would never see him again. But I got home and I couldn't stop thinking about Mike. I think I caught the feels for this dude. You mean your husband. He emailed and snapchatted me every day since. He has since invited me to come visit him in Seattle. Here's the problem.

Is he just inviting me to hook up? Or does he just want to be my friend? He has told all the family friends of his that he got married and he hasn't let them in on the joke and they believe him. I have serious feelings for this dude but he's 34 and lives in Seattle and I'm 23 and I live in Canada. Am I just attached to this joke because it would be the funniest way to get married? Love, Jill Hyatt. Let's give it up for Jill Hyatt.

It's not a joke. It's not a joke. She's married. Bits, bits, bits. That is elaborate. I took the bit one step farther and we had a kid. Yeah. So now we got this joke, baby. Do we actually have to raise this fucker?

It was a prank. And now he's four. Anyway, his name's LOL. Because we did it for the lulls. Have you ever had a passionate weekend trist and then like sobered up and you're like, wait, what happened? I don't know. Never like, never bits to that degree. That's a...

Are these guys like improvisers or something? Are these like comedy sports folks? They just, yes, ended all the way to... To consummate the marriage. They feel like, they feel like jokesters. I feel like you can get lost in romance sometimes. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You said you even fell in love with Jill Hyatt, the officer that detained you for half an hour.

She was forceful. But sweet. Yeah, does this ring true to you at all? You stayed in a hostel once in England. Have you fallen in love for a night? Yes, of course. Yes, I have. Remember that girl in Israel that I like hooked up with for a weekend

and we were like talking about hanging out, meeting up and then she like emailed me and was like, are you hooking up with other people back in New York? And I was like, oh no. What could she was and she was being true? I didn't know we were together. I didn't marry anybody on a beach. This girl's concerned.

I feel like I'm on the stand there. Look, your honor, this is not about me. This is about Jill Hyatt. She's worried that she's like married to a fuck boy. Is that what it is? She's like, now I'm going to meet up with this guy and I think he just wants to hook up, which... It could be true.

You married him. Maybe he's... Well, you know, you can... I don't know what the laws are in Mexico, but you might need to sign a piece of paper. I don't know if you can sign it. I think anything goes down there. But does that hold up in a court?

Here. In Canada? In Canada? Fuckin' anything goes in Canada, too. Anything does not go here, sir. What's the court system? Do you guys have magistrates? That seems like something Canada will.

We have Grand Wizards. We're run by the... Oh shit, we can finally relate on something. Yeah, man, it's chill. It's really chill. So the third case stands for Canada? Yeah, yeah. Wow.

Krispy Kreme, Canada. You said... You said I love you for the first time on Molly once at Burning Man. This seems kind of similar to that. This is... Wait, you said for the... You said I love you for the very first time in your life? No, no, no.

In a relationship. You said it for the first time to somebody I had just met. Oh. Because... That's okay. People put so much weight on I Love You. If I could watch any Bachelor fans, I'd love that fucking show. But you just get a glimpse...

You get a glimpse into like what everyone in the world is like taught. At least you're in North America where it's like, Oh my God, I saved up all my coins. And today I said I love you to him or her. And it's like, who cares? I love all the time. It's the best.

Why do you put all that weight on those words? It's so stupid. Like you can just love whoever you want and say it. Well, I don't know. You can make it as tough as you want it. Thomas, I love you. Huh? I love you.

Me? Yeah. Cool, dude. I don't know. I like you. You're cool. I feel that potentially we could take our relationship to almost the next level.

But yeah, that's what I think on that stuff. Uh, so what it, what? Please stop! Yes, please stop, of course. Yeah, you're right. With who? The cast? Oh, us three.

Oh, us three fuck right now on stage? Wait. No, no. If that started happening, you guys are like, Yeah, do it. If that started happening, what a weird night that would be. I think we would walk the entire room. That would be so weird.

Everybody would leave except for you guys. There's always these moments and you're like, if you've pushed too far and suddenly the thing you thought was going to be cool starts happening and the reality sets in and like suddenly we're all kissing each other and I'm grabbing for their dicks. Right. And they're like, yeah, yeah, they spin me around

and I get like, I get fucked in front of you and it's hard and it's like, that would have never happened for me. So I'm like, ow, ow, no! And it would be scary and you could see the fear in my eyes and you guys would be like, yeah, do it! That would be so crazy. You got to think about this stuff.

Before you just yell it out because next time we're going to fucking do it. There's consequences. Let America be examples. There's consequences for your crazy ideas. You can have Trump as president. Right. What craziness.

Which takes us back to this question because every time you're like, hey, wouldn't it be funny if then sometimes you have a fucking husband that you met in Mexico and then sometimes you have a racist tangerine as the president. A racist tangerine. Yeah.

And then sometimes three dudes who've known each other for a while, sex in front of a live audience. Honestly, that doesn't seem that crazy to me. Just as long as they play the theme from Wackering for a Dream at the end, yeah. So wait, what do we think here? I think she can see him again.

You don't have to put a lot of weight on it. Yeah. He wants to hook up. He doesn't want to be your friend. He may really like you, but it's impossible at this point. Also, you're 23, like, chill. I think this dude loves her.

I think he likes her. But you know when you have... He's 24 and didn't tell his friends that he was joking. They had a magical night. Yeah, but when you have a... When you're 34 and you have a summer camp sleep away vacation Mexico fling

and you're like, I love you 23-year-old little thing. On MDMA. On MDMA. On MDMA. And then she comes to visit you in Seattle and it's raining, you know. God, Seattle rains. Oh, the Pacific Northwest.

You wouldn't know anything about it. Anyway, temperate rainforest. It's a beautiful country. Anyway, when... You're spinning before our barrier. It's like Raiders of the Lost Ark. Don't look! Anyway, when she goes there,

the weekend, like 12 hours in, he's going to be like, oh, she's in college and he's going to know. That sounds dismissive, but you just always know. Because for every happy Saturday, there's a suicide joke.

Do you think they get a... Yeah. Do they get a... Wait, what did you say? I blocked that one out. What did you say? I said, for every happy Saturday, there's a suicide Sunday.

It's a Molly thing. That's when you fucking blow your brains out. Right. When you realize the true love of your life, she's probably fucking somebody else in Canada. Wow. My joke was just going to be, do you think they get a fake divorce or something?

But that would be funny. That's funny. They could have a joke divorce and go down to City Hall. Right. I don't want to... And they could have joke spousal support. Yeah.

That's fun. That's silly. It's just that you really killed it with the fucking killing himself. Yeah. I thought I was like, oops, sorry, I said something kind of gross,

man gross, about like, yeah, she's just in college and everyone was like, weird thing to say, dude, and then you fucking save me by just... Dived on the grenade. Yeah.

Appreciate it. So she should go? I think she should go. YOLO, man. Have fun. Is it really all that bad if you go there for a weekend and he's like,

I just wanted to have sex and then it sounds like you guys had great sex. Yeah, you guys had good sex then. All night. You married him so you could have sex with your husband. That's fine.

Yeah. Yeah. This next question is actually very thematically appropriate to some of the jokes you've been making, Thomas. Oh. It's almost as if

you knew it was coming. No, you didn't. I didn't. Do you have a guy's name that we can call this man? A guy. He's asking me. He looked right in my eyes

and he asked me. That was very clear. Thomas will wait for utter silence. And it needs to be eight minutes. Jerry Seinfeld. I'd like him to be named Jerry Seinfeld,

but not the comedian, the character from the hit television show, Seinfeld. Yeah. Based on who it is. All right. Very similar to his actual self,

but Jerry Seinfeld writes. No, they're totally different. I recently had three of my friends over at my house the other week. We were watching... I can guess. Elaine, Kramer, Newman. We were watching 2001,

A Space Odyssey, and we were having a good time. About halfway through the movie, one of my friends just started to strip naked. It was hot in the basement, and we were all dude, so I don't really care a whole lot.

After a while, I started hearing noises. I looked over, and one of my naked friends was receiving a hand job from another one of my friends. They all took turns jerking each other off,

and I sat and watched the movie, kind of pretending I didn't notice what was going on. I'm gonna hope you're so chill. I'm an open-minded guy. I'll let you continue. I'm an open-minded guy, and I have no problems

with homosexuality. I thought it was sort of rude of them to do this on my couch. I mean, this is some of Kubrick's finest work. I'm not sure if I should say anything about it or not, but I'm kind of afraid

of having them over again for fear that they might start jerking each other off again. If you could give me some advice, that'd be cool. Love Jerry Seinfeld. Let's get out of Jerry. Oh, wow.

That's... I don't know. I would like to get that verified. That sounds cuckoo-bananas. I mean, what was 2001, but Kubrick jerking off onto his screen? I mean, let's talk about it.

If this question really is... It was an auto-police show at best. Look, if this question is really is, should I bring this up? Yeah. What the fuck? Hey, guys.

No, I think it's weird to bring it up after the fact. You can't, like, start a group thread, name it fucking circle jerk dudes. I got to know, though, like, are they... Were they gay?

No, I was hot in the basement. Jake was the guy. It was hot. Was it like a group of... I want to know if it was a group of gay men. Or, like, a group of... Until that point, straight guys.

And then shit just got weird on one end of the couch. Something unlocked it. I think you have to watch Spartacus next weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just watch... Or a clockwork orange

with your parents. And you first... You've got to find out if it's Kubrick. Spartacus is not, I think, but clockwork oranges. Really? Yeah.

Spartacus? Is it? That's my fucking dude. Fuck you, man. I think you guys are both wrong, but I stand corrected. Now you have to have the threesome. Yeah, that's the same guy

that yelled threesome. I don't trust his opinions. I think you got a lot of artistic integrity. Foresome? Is that you and us three? Or is it you two and us two? It's us who are watching

Full Metal Jacket having a fucking lemon party. Full Metal Jacking Off. Yeah. What would you do? I'm going to assume... I'm going to take this story at face value

and assume that it's real. Yeah. That is like... Well... I get it, honestly. It's not the fact that it's... It's not the fact that it's jacking off.

It's the dishonesty and the secrecy. This is you having a sit-down conversation with them. Yeah. Like, you guys can jerk off. A, it's kind of... It is a bit rude

that you did it in my base. Yeah. No, you're bare ass on my couch. I thought we all having fun. Yeah. Like, get nude, Todd. Like, have fun.

That's hilarious. Oh, you're going to keep watching the movie? Okay, sure. And then I glance over and then there's like multiple sets of hands. Then Todd's nude

and Greg and Tom are jerking him off. And why... I mean, not that I would say yes, but why wasn't I invited? Like, why... Why didn't I get a little hand on my thigh?

Like, hey, you want in on this? Yeah. We're also running a pizza. Yeah. Are you just using me for my Blu-ray? What's going on? From my laser disc?

I forgot you had that laser disc collection. Yeah. The giant CD. Yeah. So I'd almost feel hurt and excluded in a way. Yeah.

It's just uncomfortable to, like, bring it up after the fact. I feel like you have to catch them in the act. You should have turned around and just been like, guys,

what the heck are you doing? This is a good part. What if they hang out all the time? What if these are, like, the bros for life, right? And they call them, you know,

oh, there goes the Kubrick brothers, because they, like, have a Kubrick fan club. A dressed up as the clock working on his dudes. The Kubrick crew. The Kubrick boys.

The Kubrick boys. The Kubrick boys. And they go to, they go to the old Flannerties pub all the time and drink brews and talk Kubrick.

I think the next time they're sharing brews, Jerry Seinfeld's perfectly in his right to be like, hey, man, about that one time. Oh, yeah.

I don't know if you guys knew that I saw it. The jerking off thing. Yeah. Don't act blasey about it. Sorry. What are you talking about? I just knew you'd

fucking bring it up. We were talking about, I was blowing him and we were talking about it. Yeah, yeah. I remember you were blowing me and we were talking about it

and you were all like, yeah. I slapped the dick out of his mouth. I bet Thomas brings up the fact that he's like, hey, what?

My name's Jerry. Right. We know who wrote this. Would you say something while it's happening? Yeah, yeah. You got to turn around while it's happening

and be like, quit it. Knock it off. Not in my basement. Knock it off you homos. Bring it up to the dead. This is a straight viewing session.

Yeah. You have to say, and it's not because it's a gay thing. Even if you were chicks jerking each other off. Actually, that'd be hot.

Really, really hot. USA. USA. USA. Sorry. Amir spent a summer in conversion camp. I got to be honest.

I think it's really rude that they didn't even try to include him. Imagine. Imagine him. You look over and you're like, what?

You're a bit confused. You're like, I can't believe this is happening. And you're just like, you're fucking Johnny Man out. Like, why?

What if I wanted that? You didn't even offer the Oreo cookie to me. Maybe that's a good way to bring it up. You can say you're offended that you weren't invited rather than that you're pissed

that it happened. Don't be mad that it happened. Be sad that you weren't there. That's not the saying. But we'll slap it on a bumper sticker and see who buys it. Zero sales.

Wow. We're about halfway done with the show. So let's get a round of applause before we get to our break. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this

Head Gum podcast. Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum Network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be

the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames

might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now,

but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. That's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant.

We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to

make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. And she misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device, anywhere, and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload

a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects

to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit

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A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off

plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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having a second whiskey? Yeah. Oh, yes. No, I still have some left. Yeah, that's my, that's sort of my issue. Whoa, I didn't say, yeah, sure.

If you guys want to chant that, sure. Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. Yes. Bottoms up middle. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. It's just water. Beauty spewed. You got to stay hydrated, man. I try to avoid water at all costs. This one was written by an Australian. I thought it would be funny

if you read this one. Cold, but in an Australian accent. R, R and R. If you got an Australian name, that would be even better. It's the one in bold right there. An Australian name? Is it a boy or a girl?

It's a boy. Oh, if it's a boy, Australian name is probably like Bodie Crotuson or something. Yeah, Bodie. Bodie Crotuson. Full-on, fair-to-income,

okay. Okay. I could... Yeah, okay. Recently, the Australian climate has been especially unbearable. With temperatures up to 40 degrees C

or 104 f... Fahrenheit in the old money. That's funny. You see, I already quite cheeky. And winds reaching gale-betterger strength gusts.

What's a betterger? I don't know. Very Australian. This has resulted in many of the cheeky babes around the northern beaches to slip into sexy sun dresses. When the breeze picks up,

those dresses go reverse sky-diving, and one can have a cheeky peak at those peaky cheeks. I'm kind of reading it. It's a bit... I sound a bit like Ozzy Man. You know, like Ozzy Man reviews? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. Oh, look at this badger! Yeah. The problem comes here. My girlfriend of two months has fed up with me having a right-eyed geese

at their gorgeous bums and flattering fannies. She's insecure about her own behind as it ain't no bubble but. No, what I'm saying. Last time she caught me

threatening to dump and sue. Dump and sue? Yeah, like a lawsuit. Grabbing a girl's behind is regarded as a compliment down under. Debatable, I think. And one fine piece of rump I took a bite of now enjoys a bit of slap and tickle when the missus is out. She doesn't have a problem with me groping and staring.

She knows what men are like. She's going to sue you. She does have a problem with it. Maybe the girl that gets slapped doesn't have a problem with it. So what would you do? No. So what would you two do? Slick with the chick, chick or clench and endure the other wench.

Perpetually classy Australian. Love, crotie brodison. Yeah, great work. That guy's definitely from Brisbane, right? Oh, that's a Briss Vegas move through and through. So his girlfriend doesn't like when he looks at bums. Not only looks, but touches. Yeah, touches, which is a compliment down under.

What kind of crazy reverse engineering did that cult? Slaping people's ass is regarded as a compliment down here. Yeah, no. That's him explaining it to his girlfriend. But then there's also this girl that he's fucking on the side, which he sort of slipped in there real quick, who doesn't mind when he touches bums. In fact, she knows how guys are.

So should he stay with a mistress who doesn't give a shit? Or should he stay with his girlfriend who doesn't like it for whatever reason that he's slapped strangers on the ass? It could be. And this is just me. I'm not Dr. Phil, but it could be that he's maybe not ready to be in a relationship. It may be that he should just be safe. Where did you get that from?

I don't know. You can be in love and also want to slap everybody's ass. That's 100% true. Want to is the key word there. Oh, but in Australia, it's a compliment. I've been there and I never experienced that. Are there any Australians here? That makes sense.

Winnipeg? Yeah. I think the closest thing is us. To an Australian? Yeah, that's really cool. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Sorry, no. You're super Jewish, man. But for me to be a pretty Australian dude means a lot.

No, you're not. I took it back. Coming from you. And I appreciate it. Are there any other Jewish people in Winnipeg? Cool. Very cool. I like that. Keeps me warm.

What about anyone with names that sounds like they were born out of a Charles Dickens novel? Anyone sort of sound like Neville Longbottom or Thomas Middleditch? I don't know what to tell this guy other than like, don't. Other than just grabbing by the shoulders and just be like, chill the fuck out, man. Yeah, both are bad. If you stay with... Maybe he's part of this lifestyle, man. Maybe he just needs to be, you know, Polly, you know, read a few books.

Esther Perrell or something. If you want to read up on Polly, but then like still, you should break up with a girlfriend that doesn't like you looking at other girls' butts because you are, it seems like actively fingering in other girls' butts. Yeah. He's up in that crawl. So you don't want to, yeah, don't be with the girl that doesn't let you touch the other girls' butt. Yeah, man.

If you a hound dog and you just need to be a hound dog, go be the hound dog. But don't drag other people along on the leash. Including the random people. Because then you're tugging and both myself and Cesar Milan don't like a dog that tugs. Heel. You're the dog. At my level or behind. You're the dog whisperer, whisperer.

Nobody else can understand what Cesar Milan is saying, but you. Yeah, this guy needs to probably chill out. Yeah, and that you should probably invite. It's not always the answer or in this show, has it ever been the answer? But I respect the effort. Yeah, maybe one of these ones, I mean, how weird would it be if like the next question is, you know, do I need to have a threesome? I need to have a threesome in order to save my marriage or something.

And then you guys are like, now, now. They're fast asleep. Yeah, they miss it. Waking up in church on Sunday. Threesome. Oh my God. Guys, you called it. Called what?

Threesome. What? No, I didn't. What year is it? I fell asleep when they started fucking each other. You missed it. Do you guys have time for one more question? We've concluded that one.

What's that? I like to have like an ending summary, a closing statement on each one. You guys just move on without a closing statement. A verdict. You need a verdict, don't we? Don't we need to adjudicate this man's life? Okay. Well, yeah, why don't we all come up with our final answer?

The final answer. Who wants to be a millionaire? Break up with your girlfriend. Keep on hooking up with the girl that doesn't mind when you touch other people's butts, but get permission before you slap other people's butts. Yeah. Final answer. Mine is the exact opposite on all three.

Stay well weird. Stay with the girl. Touch people who don't want to be touched. And stop cheating on your girlfriend for crying out loud. Enough is enough, bucko. Call me old fashioned. Well, mine is very old fashioned. My advice is to keep hanging ten, keep searching those waves,

and honestly escalate your bum grab game to like grabbing strangers butts and screaming in their ass crap. So loud that it comes out of their mouth without them knowing. Just like sneaking up behind people, grabbing them and... The sound of a fart should come out of their mouth. I think someone just screamed in my butthole. Why, that's the best compliment I've ever gotten. That guy, that guy, that's running away.

He just screamed in my butthole. I think I fucking love him. It wasn't me, but I thought it was that guy. Yeah, uh, yeah, it wasn't me. It wasn't me, but I'll game for you. You have shit on your lips. Huh? I know.

Yeah, that was from someone else. That you did that to. Yeah, I did do it. Awesome. I'll do it. It is Australian, mate, but I didn't do it to you. It's regarded as a... That guy did.

The guy on the motorcycle. It's true. I did it. I screamed in your butthole. Where are you from, sir? The west part of Australia. Everywhere, but I'm from Tasmania. That's south, I know.

He gets the geography of Australia. Nobody knows what we sound like. Flying back to the sun. Flying back into the sun. The smallest part noise at the end. Tasmania. Have you ever screamed into a part? Of course.

As a joke, I've screamed into a vagina. What'd you scream? Echo? To the echo. It screamed right back at me. It was like that scene in Ghostbusters. Winston. No, it didn't scream back at me,

but it did elicit a couple giggles. From the girl and everybody at Sanctum watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gwyneth had a ball. Yeah, yeah, Gwyneth. In her mouth. She was like... She was like, you are a riot.

Do me, do me, do me. And for only $59, you can be a riot, too. $59 grand. Sanctum. You think for that much money they could buy a vowel? Nice. Have you ever screamed on a penis? Stop asking us if we've screamed on...

No, man, I'm serious. Because you looked at your brother fully clothed one time, didn't you? I once used the dick as a flute, but I would never scream into its urethra. Can we ask the last question? What's that? That's trying to get your lips around the urethra and blowing as hard as you can.

Oh, yeah. The thinness of a Caprice Sunstraw. And you're like, what are you doing? I'm doing it. I'm giving you a budge. It's not going to make a sound unless you can get a reed in there. Yeah, you got to slam a reed in there.

You need to have a reed. Yeah. Oh, come on, grow up. You have to have a reed. Yeah, when I was a boy, when I was a boy, I was hanging out with another friend of mine, and I mentioned a blowjob, even though I kind of knew what it was,

but I didn't really know, and he was like, what is that? And I'm like, I didn't want to say it because I kind of didn't really know. And he's like, tell me, tell me, we're at my house, and my parents and brother are in the next room, and he's like, fine. And he starts blowing on my face,

and he goes, I'm giving Tom a blowjob. I'm giving Tom a blowjob. And my brother comes in literally about to punch us. And he goes, what? And he goes, I'm giving Tom a blowjob, and then like, blows on my face. And he just goes, don't do that, man. And I'm like, leaves.

That was it. And then I was kind of like, and then I wanted to be like, it has something to do with a penis, dude. Your brother comes off as sort of a... A hero? A hero in that. Like a conflicted hero.

A dark hero? You're like a hero with a weird past. Like it's nice that he came to your defense, but it's weird that he came in and he wanted to punch a kid that was blowing you. Yeah, he should have been more accepting. He should have run in and been like... I was so proud of you.

Six-year-old boy getting a blowjob. Six. Unsolicited advice. Oh yeah, unsolicited advice. Do you have any? I thought he was calling that unsolicited advice. Oh, no. That's almost like the one on our podcast

that we haven't ever done at a live show before. Yeah, do you have any piece of unsolicited advice that nobody really asked for, but you truly believe in and it could help a lot of people? We have to do the Stinger. Yeah, well, I don't have it. I'll put it in. I know the guitar riff.

All right, go. Unsolicited advice. Mom, I'm coming. Nice. It's kind of a potty show, huh? Yeah, it's a full-body high. It's a bit of a potty show. Yeah, very blue.

Anyway, I... Oh, so, like, give me an example. Like, how real, how deep? An 18-year-old Thomas comes to you and says, what's the one thing you know now that you wish I knew? A few weeks ago, we said everybody should get a water pick, which is like something to clean the crap out of your gums. Who here bought a water pick?

Oh, really? Really? Off of our shit? No way. Did you use our Amazon affiliate code? Lock the doors. Welcome to the Sanctum. Jake actually once suggested people read the Game of Thrones books,

so here you have it. Proof is in the pudding. You really don't want me to read an excerpt. Asha Greyjoy, we see it in Saul Barker's long haul. Whoa, no spoilers, bro. So if there's anything you could offer anybody listening, whether they've asked for it or not, do you have any piece of un-so-listened advice?

I know we're kind of putting you on the spot. Yeah. And you can take as long as you need, and we'll just edit this part out, you know? Or make it longer. It explodes. Somebody just threw a Bible at Jake. You could learn a thing or two.

This one's cool. If it was on Amazon used books, they would say it was in fair condition. And I respect that. It's a fair condition this day in age to read Asha Greyjoy on this fucking page. Tommy, this is crazy. You're a very wise guy.

Yeah, but I'm straddling between being too hippy, just like support each other. And you know what? I got veneers and I love them, so if you're thinking about it, do it. That's two good pieces of advice. Support yourself and change your teeth. You changed your teeth?

I changed my teeth. I did it in two different times, and the first time I literally sat, it was a new dentist, and she was Russian. What year was this? Russian? Seven years ago. She was Russian from the country of Russia.

Oh, I see, sorry. I thought you did a half-assed job. Let's go, let's go. So I am a very, like, teeth are in my head. I've had years of braces and all this kind of stuff, and all they're physically located in my head,

as all of yours are. So it's just been a thing. Always, like, the teeth, the teeth. And then I sit down and she's like, have you ever thought about getting veneers? I was like, no, never. And she's like, you should, because... You're ugly, Anne.

At the top, kind of, like, you have two front teeth. At the top, they're so narrow, and at the bottom, they're so wide. It looks like you have a condition. Wow, now I'm staring at you. Yeah, I can tell. No, it's fixed now. I'm so sorry.

And... Yeah, so then I got, we talked about it, I ended up saying, yeah, sure, let's do it. And it's weird, she didn't really tell me the process, but for those of you considering it, just so you know, they file your teeth down into little, like, fangs.

Which is kind of intense. Your two front teeth basically look like Hershey's kisses. The top fat at the bottom. Yeah, they're nasty. And then they shave down the fat part, so they look like things even more. Have you ever seen your teeth without the veneer on them? No.

I'm embarrassed to say that when they filed them down, the guy, the assistant, who always talked to me about his fucking YouTube series. Sorry about that. And I was like, buddy, I'm not going to plug you on the fucking gram. Anyway. How about now, though, on our podcast?

Dental chance. Anyway, he goes, he stayed busy. They filed forever, and then he's got to, they got to go get something, and he just goes, hey, don't look in the mirror. Oh my God. I'm going to leave one here. I was like, what?

Because up until that point, because they didn't tell me, he filed them into dragon points. It's like the Joker. Up until that point, I thought they were kind of just like molding them, you know, like taking away the edge. But then, and so I was like, don't look in the mirror, because I was too scared, but I felt it with my tongue, and I did feel that they were two little

dragon points, and I cried. And you're like... And then she came back, she's like, what's wrong? Like, I'm weak, like I'm stupid. Is your condition, the teeth condition, called being a little bitch, you said? Yeah. I didn't know such ugly teeth turns you into such a big pussy.

So you were crying when she returned? But I kind of, you know, I wiped her away. You know, it was a single tear, a man's tear. A tear made of grease, and oil, and dirt. And she's like, do you want to change the shape of your tear? It's also weird and ugly. I give you nice tears. Yeah, we should do a veneer tear, though.

But tears. You will tear, you will cry diamonds. But anyway, yeah, she patched it up, and you get temporary teeth for a little bit, which is kind of weird, like little, like placeholder caps, which are ugly, because you're like fucking bloody ass gums, or like caught in them.

It's so weird. It's a weird one. But now I'm pretty, and everybody has to admire me. Were you so conscious about them, or like, I got new teeth, just so you know, or did nobody even notice? No, but I think it's funny to talk about. I think it's hilarious. I'm not embarrassed.

It's so funny. I've fallen victim to vanity, and I've gotten my teeth corrected. Isn't that hilarious? I think that's funny. And don't they look fucking phenomenal? I think they do. I also got the bottom four done, man. Oh, yeah. I want the nose off to the side. You go back in looking exactly like the dentist.

Yeah, I want the chin gone. I want the Adam's apple enlarged. I want the neck retracted. And the back of my skull shaved. You're talking about turning into a trout. I want my knee caps switched and actually put on the back, so my knees go the other way.

That's flamingo. I want my fingers removed, so I've just got them, so I'm a super perpetual positive guy. And I want my the location, just the location, not the function, the location of my penis and asshole reversed, but I still want to pee out the front

and shit out the back. And... You want to shit out your penis and make a little wiggle out? I'm not done. I would like my belly button sewn shut, so it's nice and flat. That's fine. That's wonderful. And I want to replace

my eyebrow hair with my head hair, so it's like long and like just beautiful and flowy. And it's like, I'm like those dogs that they're always mad because they have hair

in their eyes. But then you'll also be shitting out of your penis, which is now on your ass. Yeah. I want to be hot, dude. If there are any talented artists listening at home, I want them to sketch what you just described. And we will please make our new podcast, Art. It will just be

if I were you with just this photo of Thomas, some sort of demon man. And tag me on the ground. I love fan art. I love that stuff. Especially if it's good, if it's shit. I don't know. Who knows. Here comes Thomas, that little prick,

with a dick for an ass and an ass for a dick. I made it into a Dr. Seuss book. That's great. I don't know. What happens now? Do we go back? We added you a one last question and lightning round it. All right.

We've gone over. Good work, everybody. Did you guys have fun? So do we. Thank you. Is your football asleep, buddy? Yeah, a little bit. That's okay. It's all right. All right. Perfect.

Surge, man. Read one last question, dude. Surge, dude. Oh, Surge, dude? Yeah, Surge, dude is this character where it's this guy who's sort of just like cool, whatever, but he really is kind of like a six-year-old. So he's like, Surge, dude, let's play Guess Who, dude. Like Surge, dude, let's fucking color, man.

I love shapes, dude. I love fucking triangles. Let's fucking sketch it, Surge, dude. I want to play Play-Doh, Surge, man. He wears like a flat brim, like fox. Yeah, exactly. He really just wants to do shit. Like, let's play with beads, Surge. Yeah, yeah. Like, my mom got me these beads.

Yeah, yeah. And he's got, like, the beaver hair, but when you take the hat off, he's, like, really balling on the top. Yeah, exactly. He's FaZe. I know my YouTube stars. Yeah. Surge, dude, writes, I'm in a bit of an emotional crossroad

and can really use your help. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 14 months. Wait, wait, wait. How did it start? I'm in a bit of a... I'm in a bit of an emotional crossroads and can really use your help. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 14 months, and we have been intimate.

Not performing sexual intercourse, but I have fingered her on multiple occasions. What a fucking dork! Ha ha ha ha! Dweeb alert! But here's where the problem lies. I have fingered her... On multiple occasions.

According to my calculations, both my index and middle finger have petted rather heavily around her crotch region. Oh, that's the worst, too. This one? Those are not the worst, too. Those are your primary fingering fingers. Primary? You're doing the ring?

I'm doing these, too. You gotta get the leverage on either side. Rock and roll, brother! Wait. I feel like there are too many guys who are running up ladies. Girls, is he right? Yeah, I don't... Oh! Wow, mixed. I think I'm on your side.

Hold on. But isn't this the weird finger that you can't lift up or whatever when you're like that? It's your pinky's best friend. Yeah, I don't... Wait, which dude? Same guy that yells three-some-a-lot

suggesting fisting people. But you know that you don't enter with the fist. You enter with the fingers into a fucking dip. A miracle is just... You don't actually, like, are you ready? You don't punch through the vagina and they're like, I fisted a girl.

She would be like, ah! And pass out from pain. You gently and then rummage. Go. Why these? I don't want to step on the fisting advice. What are you talking about, these two? How do you even...

Because you got the support on either side of the labia. That is how you... Oh, so you're talking about, like... This is so gross. I mean, I'm so sorry. You're talking about meat management. That is how you bowl. Oh, good lord. It's a dirty one to stay at home

I'm currently fingering Amir's ass to show everybody. No, that's how you bowl. Oh, yeah, it is how I... Wait, yes. I'm proud to say that I'm quicker to know how I bowl. It sounds like you're a bit bolder. In all my years of fingering,

and I gotta be honest, I've been fingering since I was two years old. I have never seen... Way too early. The finger ever in my life seen fingering done with the ring finger. This is your brother after he barges in on you again.

Oh, wait. Oh my god. In the pourings, that's how you get the... It's a... Because they're going crazy. It's the most strength. You can hold the most strength.

Yes, because the ring finger gets in the way otherwise. It's symmetrical. Oh my god. Oh! Molly, I'm coming for you. I'll be home in three days, baby. Of course. Jake, you're a wizard.

Molly is your cat, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh right, the question. Oh my god. Do you know that Tim and Eric bit where they... Out of the galaxy? That's what's happening right now.

The last time I was at her house we were kissing passionately and I put my hand on her ass and I rubbed it. This was... This completely had a character for me but she seemed to really like it and she was getting more and more into it. I personally don't like

butt stuff when it comes to intimacy but my girlfriend was really into it. So my question is when we are intimate again, should I rub her ass? Or do I just pretend that never happened? Sorry for the long question.

Love the show. Love Surge Dude. Let's go down for Surge Dude. That... That wasn't a long question and it wasn't butt stuff. He was just touching her butt and she was so into it.

I'm usually not into butt stuff. Touching a butt? That guy has to be like 13. That's gotta be... He's gotta be new to the whole thing. That is, I can't decide if I want to be sad or not.

Yeah. I didn't know. I think I feel happy for him. Yeah, he's naive. He's new. He's like at the threshold of the forest but it is an enchanted forest and he's gonna walk through it and he's gonna get to

read. Actually, this is perfect. I don't need it. So he is walking into the godswood actually and he's gonna find the werewood tree which I think is the anus. Anybody is listening. Well, look. Here. Oh, sorry.

No, no, no. He was taking a very long traumatic pause. He was not done. I wasn't gonna recover from it. No. Well, cause you... Like, I can get it if in his mind he's like, next stop, like, I gotta lick a butthole.

It's a slippery slope. I really don't want to do that. Like, I understand people do that but that's where you mount to anus. It is a slippery slope. So, like, I could get in his mind like, man, I really wasn't planning on this. But, like, I think even if you don't go there, like, just isn't touching

a but even if you're, like, even if you're new, isn't that pretty fun? Yeah. I mean, I mean, in Australia, it's done. 24-7. We got it as a compliment, yeah. It's how you tip a waitress, yeah? Yeah. Good pizza. Thanks for the avocado toast.

Wow. You must be really grateful. So, I feel like just, you know, don't get too ahead of yourself. Just enjoy, you know, squeezing a touch. Yeah. So, the specific question was when we are intimate again, should I rubber

ass again? It seems like the answer is yes. Yes. 100%. Are there any ladies that are like, do whatever, don't rub my ass? Ask her. But I think they're at the point where they're like, I mean, they're kissing. It would be 14 months.

I feel like it would be weird if they're like... 14 months and he's just grabbing her ass now, so he's definitely 13. If they're like, if they're making out and he's like, and knowing how this guy fucking talks, he's like, excuse me, my lady. May I grab your ass? And she was into it when it happened

borderline accidentally. She loved it. He grazed it and she nearly fainted. I think the green light, I think go to town, explore, challenge yourself, maybe go between the cracks.

I think you got to go between the cracks. That's how you actually decide if you're actually an ass man. So, there's this test that you do to decide if you're an ass man. You going to the ass man comedy festival? The ass man comedy festival.

This guy's opening. So, the first level is touching the cheek. Dad, quit it. Quit it? Still got it. Or don't. Either way, it's cool by me. It's freezing out.

You're touching your son's ass? Absolutely. A little fanny pack. Level one of touching butt is touching the cheek, right? Sure. That's the first step. And that doesn't make you an ass man. That just makes you normal. So, what's second base?

Second ass base? Oh. I don't know, a grab. A full grab? A separation? Separation's kind of cool. Separation's kind of cool. Oh, sorry.

I should just clarify that I am an ass man. Yeah, no, I just like it. Separation's kind of cool. Oh, that's church and state. Yeah. It's so sad, but that's how much I like ass. That this fucking loser describing it to me on stage

is getting me like, okay. This is part of Thomas' edging YouTube video series, too. Third base, obviously, is sticking a little finger in the butt. Yeah. The hole. And then lastly, fourth base. We all know the answer to that.

No, that's not even last. Would you rank if we're at fourth or fifth? This is not baseball anymore, right? Do you guys have baseball in Canada? Because Thomas is confused. There's five bases now. Third or fourth? Fifth base. The extra bases.

The sixth base. What's the highest base? Four. Penile into, sorry, no, we lost one. She's out of here. She's like, I've heard enough. Really? I can't believe she lasted this long. That's really impressive. I'm trusting someone.

That was fine, but tread lightly. See what you were saying? Is the higher base, penile into butthole or licking it? Oh, that's a good question. Because licking is more intimate, but sex is often considered the home run.

I don't think if you asked a girl that a tongue is more intimate than a full penis in her ass. I think so. You've been really... Yeah, because you're tasting it. That being said, I do have a little taste for it on my dish. That is so un-woke of your dumb ass.

We are wrestling with a bear that could turn on us at any second. It is... We are teetering on the edge of suddenly it not being fun anymore. And that's where the comedy is, man. Because right now it's still fucking hot, right?

Welcome to the Asman Comedy Festival. I can't handle it. Yeah, I can't handle it. Would you... Girls, would you have a penis or a tongue? What?

Tongue is farther. Tongue is farther? Yeah. Sorry, I got to go with this dude over here. He's been yelling threesome the whole time. He also thinks Spartacus is a Kubrick movie, which still might

be the case. I didn't look that up yet. 100% is the case. Okay, well, yeah. To this young whippersnapper, I say don't be shy, you know? Pat it. Touch the butt. Touch the butt. USA! USA!

Trump! Trump! I drink your liberal tears. Wow. You guys chanted Trump at the end. That was you. Really? Yeah. I went into a fever dream. Guys, thank you so much for coming out for tonight.

Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. And thanks to Thomas Middleditch one more time. Thank you, Thomas.