If I Were You - 332: Jake's Lasik

Episode Date: May 28, 2018

In this episode we discuss breast reductions, sex tips, and Jake's songwriting career.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you've been needing some advice, even if it's not all that nice, there's a show you've got to listen to, listen to why nerdy Jews, who are almost forty, say what they do if they were you. Cease the chaser you can sing along, to every reference I can fit into the song, pick an ep so you can enjoy, Rose McIver's voice. Jake and Amir, baby Jake and Amir, are finally here to assist, to put you on blast for the things that you ask, and probably call you a bitch, so if you have problems that you're dying of salt, and if you need help, promise you, send it all here to Jake and Amir, the

podcast is in fiber you. Wow. Okay. That, okay. I have no notes, simply put, that's a final, on vinyl. That was solid, I loved it. Jeremiah wrote that. Jeremiah, thank you.

He wants us to know that he doesn't sing or make music. Really? Yeah. That's a fucking eye-opener. Wow. You just, you hear that and you think, who's the pro behind it? It's not Jeremiah. So what does Jeremiah do?

So he took the instrumental cover of a manga song, which he says is pronounced manga, not manga, you dumb ass is what he says, and he sang over it. But the instrumental is not mine, only the terrible vocals are, says Jeremiah. So why did he do this? He did it to be a part of the show. He did it so that we would talk about it. And we are. And I have nothing but respect for him.

He says the song is called Hikaru Nara from the anime, You're Lie in April. And is Jeremiah going on tour with this anytime soon? It doesn't say going on tour, but I doubt it because he's not a singer and he only did one song. Right. I just feel like this could really go viral. Right. Like what would the tour be, I guess?

I guess he could do other anime, instrumental, cover, vocal, overture. For other podcasts. Yeah, for other podcasts. He could do a Pod Save America one or this American Life one. Yeah, he can do that one, or he can do maybe a high and mighty one for Gabriel, so we'll send it off to him. Okay. Yeah.

I'd really like him to do it for Ira Glasses all, but yeah. He won't. I don't think he's going to be doing it for Ira Glasses. Well, yeah. Do you think you have a better voice than this guy? Yes. But you had to think about it. Yeah, but I have a little more experience with singing and songwriting.

I was a singer-songwriter in high school and college. Songwriter. Yeah, I wrote some songs. You wrote songs. Oh yeah, I wrote songs. I'd like to read one if you still have them on a desktop computer somewhere. I think I've got a video of me and Eddie Gaga performing one. Certainly, you remember the chorus or the title to some of these songs.

Oh, I do. I would not share it with you. Yeah. I'd love to hear one title. Okay, I'll give you a title. Do you know the entire song? If I sat down, I mean, I still know how to play the song on the guitar. And I wrote the lyrics.

It's just once. How many songs did you write? It's probably like, I mean, depending on when you really start, if you were starting as early as my freshman year punk band, going all the way up to the acoustic songs I would write when I was a freshman, sophomore in college. Oh, wow. So like when I met you almost, you were writing songs. Acoustic songs.

When I moved to New York, I didn't write songs anymore. That was when I was in New Haven, going to school at Southern writing songs. Writing songs. But like, well, why would you write songs? To get girls to like me? You'd write the songs and play them for girls or you'd record them and show them to girls. I would write songs and then Eddie would sing them and then we would perform them for people like at parties.

Interesting. But I never sang because I wasn't good enough at singing. And you never recorded it. We recorded some songs, but I don't know where they are now. There was recording. What's your favorite song that you wrote? This is interesting because I had no idea you wrote any songs. I'm discovering something new about you.

The one that like my core friend group back home like still sings is Pretty Pleased. Pretty Pleased? Pretty Pleased. And what is it about? What are you begging for? It was about... Pretty Pleased is a good name for a pop song. Yeah.

So far, I have no comments about the title. I think it's perfect. You like the title? Yeah. Pretty Pleased was about when I was going away to college and leaving my girlfriend who was a senior in high school. And then what would you be asking her? Pretty Pleased?

It was like, Pretty Pleased, can we stay together? Can I stay here and be with you? Got it. I'm so big. That's the interview ends now. I want to know just the chorus. The podcast ends with me singing a cappella, Pretty Pleased, with all of my fucking art. What is the chorus?

I can't tell. I don't want to just like tell you the words. It's not... Isn't that better than singing the song? Oh yeah, it's definitely better than singing it, but I just think if you... Give me a line. Pretty Pleased is one of the lines of the chorus. But it's not a full line.

Pretty Pleased, can I stay with you tonight? Pretty Pleased, can I see you again soon? Pretty Pleased, I don't want to leave. I'm happy here. Why can't you see? You loser. I can't believe you fucking said that out loud. Delete this from the podcast.

Oh my God. Delete it. Of course, nobody's still listening. Delete, delete, delete. So many unsubscribes. Pretty Pleased, and your friends know about this song. They know all the lyrics. Who can I ask to sing this song for?

You can ask Eddie Gaga, who came up with the melody. You could ask Christine, Jamie, Lynn, Steve. You know Steve. Yeah, they almost... Actually, Jeff and Dave know this song. Really? Yeah. So we can have maybe Dave or Jeff sing it and send it in.

For sure. Yeah. Would that embarrass you or less embarrassing? I mean, all of this embarrasses me for sure. Which is hard because you have a Dungeons and Dragons podcast and this is like what really gets you. It's... Yeah, definitely.

Yeah. No, that's all. This whole thing embarrasses the shit out of me. Anyway, this is not a Jake's History podcast. Though it should be. Every episode, we regale you guys with one shady story. I wish I still had the lyrics to all of these songs. They're so fucking emo.

You don't have them somewhere? And your brain is the most of them? Yeah. In the brain, I have a lot of them. But it'd be really fun to just have one of my old notebooks that had all the lyrics. They're so sad. They're so sad. Were you just in a sad place?

I mean, I was just in a desperate place. There's had some hopeless crushes on multiple people. I wasn't too picky about who I had a crush on. I had five crushes, and each one of them broke my heart in half just because they didn't like me. Or didn't even think about it. It's not like they didn't like you. It's just like, oh yeah, Jake.

And you're like, this is unrequited. Yeah. I was just my friend, and I have another boyfriend. And I'm like, but I'm in love with you. And then also, I'm in love with Danielle. I'm in love with Claire too, and I'm in love with them. And then when you were 19 and 20, who was the goat? Who were you trying to emulate?

Who was like, this is the class A standard. I have to be this person. This is the 19 and 20, Dave Matthews probably. He's saying what you were like, wish I could sing. Wish, yeah, yeah, wish I could sing, wish I could write like that, and wish I could play like Dave Matthews. That was like, yeah, that was what I was going for. Yeah, because you didn't have a good voice, and you weren't that good at guitar.

And then your songs were also not good. No, that's not true. My songs were dope. My voice was awesome, and my guitar playing was insane, was also good. It was sort of like a blend of Blink-182 and Dave Matthews. That's what I was like trying to do. Got it. Pop.

Acoustic pop punk. Pop folk. Oh yeah, pop folk. That's what it was. That's cool. Like Jason Mraz. Yeah, but like a little less poppy than that. A little more, a little more like dashboard confessionally.

That's cool. Did you ever have a fedora? No. No, I didn't. That's awesome, man. Thanks, dude. This is If I Were You Show, the only advice podcast on the internet. Hosted by us.

I'm Amir. I'm Jake. I wanted to do this episode because you're getting LASIK eye surgery today. Yes. I said we should record half the episode before you get LASIK. And then the second half when I'm blind. That's right, second half tomorrow after you're LASIK. So right now is just the build up.

You're getting LASIK in three hours. What time is it? It's a little afternoon on Monday. Yeah, three hours. Monday, May 21st right now. We'll release this on Monday, May 28th. You're getting LASIK in three hours. I'm scared as fuck.

Has it hit you yet? Yeah, it has. Was it nervous when you did it or you're like, oh, this isn't the future, I'm not that scared? So I went in because I was curious and then I didn't, I like learned about it, learned the price, learned the recovery time, became a little less scared but then still didn't schedule it. Yeah. And then it was a few months and then like my eyesight just got so bad it wasn't wearing

the glasses. And then we have our trips coming up and I was like, I don't want to have to deal with glasses. Yeah, I'd like to be able to see stuff when I go to Iceland. So I'm just going to, as I was like, I'm going to fucking do it. I called hoping they weren't going to have any appointments because like the only day I can do is Monday the 21st and they're like, okay, we have the morning or the afternoon. All right.

When would you like us to slice your eyes open with lasers? Of course. The burning is what you smell the most when we burn your cornea. So now a part of me is like, wow, tomorrow I'll be able to see better. And then the other part of me is like, what the hell is this going to be? Did you purposely not do research because you don't want to know? I feel like I asked a ton of questions when I was there and I don't remember any of the answers, but I know that like they all satisfied me and I was like, okay, this is like a good

reputable safe place. This is like the number one Lasik place in Los Angeles. That's good. I mean, according to Yelp, the big exciting one is that you're not asleep for it. You're awake while they slice and dice and surgically repair your eyes. Yeah. They do that like clockwork style thing to your eyes. It's open.

You're awake. Lying on a table. And the cornea has the little lens on your eye. They burn it open, flap it up, and then they laser the back of it. They give you like a volume or a Xanax or something that just like makes you chill out. So yeah, it's not even anesthesia. No, I assume they like put like numbing drops. Yeah.

I think they numb your eyes. They numb your eyes and you're on a volume, so you're just chill and you're like, holy shit. I'm so nervous talking about this right now. My stomach is literally a nuts and my balls have like gone into my stomach. Is anybody going to be there with you? Jill is picking me up afterwards. All right, but during it is not.

Just I wonder if I can be in the room like making videos with you. Do you want to call an ass? That'd be like fun content, wouldn't it? Yeah. If we like did videos while it's happening and I was like asking you questions. That'd be cool. We can ask. Or they'd be like, absolutely not.

He has to be like motionless. He can't be smiling and talking. Right. Yeah. Hazer's in there. Holy shit. All right. So we'll try to answer some questions now when your vision isn't perfect and then tomorrow

we can ask you how the surgery went. Cool. All the questions are about can you read this? Yeah. Can you see this? I'm holding up a letter. Can you read what it is? Here's one from, oh, a lady.

We'll call her LASIK. Nice. Thanks. I met a guy recently on Tinder and things have been going really well, like way too well. We were talking one night that I'm a demisexual, which means I'm not sexually attracted to anyone unless I'm emotionally invested in the person. And because of that, I'm still a virgin. And he was surprisingly okay with it.

Now we're like a couple weeks into it and I'm finding myself really into him and I'm ready to take it to the next level, but he hasn't done anything in fear of taking things too far with me. So what should I do? I think he thinks I'm a prude because I'm demi and I don't want to sabotage our relationship by making it uncomfortable. But like I'm trying to fuck. So should I just say I'm down?

Am I being selfish because maybe he's not ready? I could really use your help. Thanks guys. Love LASIK. LASIK. Have you ever heard of this thing? Demisexual? I'm a demisexual?

I feel like it just, it almost just sounds like the standard. Yeah. I have this weird condition in which I can't have sex with someone unless I've known them for a few weeks, but now I'm down to fuck them. It's, yeah, it seems like what I have should be the condition. Yeah. What is, what is it called when you're just overtly sexual regardless of whether you know the person or not?

What is it when you'll fuck anybody? That's, that's the condition. That should be demisexual. That's the thing. Yeah. And then like 98% of people are what? Demisexual? I'll, I'm down to fuck, but I have to know and like the person.

And she, yeah. Right. No, that's how it works. I get that. She's, she's been with them for a couple of weeks. She's ready to take it to the next level, but she's worried. Like did she even like, why did, why even preface this relationship with, by the way, just so you know, I have this thing called being a demisexual where we might not sleep

together for 14 days. I think we're also calling it a condition. Like I have this thing. Yeah. No. Like that's what her, her sexuality is demisexual, which seems like the most standard one. I don't know. But fuck it.

Yeah. If you, if you've already like told him this and he's being ultra respectful, that is cool. That is hot. But I do think if you tell him you're down to fuck, then that breaks the spell and you guys will have sex. Yeah. And he'll be like, this is great.

I'm glad I waited the few weeks. It won't, it won't bother him. It won't be weird or it'll be weird for a second. Then you'll have sex and then it won't be weird anymore. Have you ever had to wait? Yeah. Yes. People have been like, I'm not comfortable yet.

Yeah. And you'll wait. Sure. What's the longest you've waited? In my like adult life? When you're like, when I was younger, like in high school and college, it was pretty standard to wait like weeks or months. Right.

Yeah. Could you believe you're hooking up with all these demis and you didn't even know about it? Well, I guess that's different when you're like, when you haven't slept with a lot of people or sometimes you even haven't, haven't even slept with anybody, that it's like you want to be a little more, a little more like picky. But then at a certain point for me, the floodgates were open and it was just like, it doesn't, nothing matters anymore.

So the question is, should I just say I'm down? I guess yes. Am I being selfish? No. And what should I do? You already said, say that you're down. You're available now if he's interested. I bet, I'll bet you that he's excited about that information.

Same. That news. He will like it. All right. Another female question. Ooh. What's another type of eye surgery? Oh, what about cornea?

That's a cool name for a lady. Yeah. Cornea. Right. I'm starting college in the fall in England and I've never had a boyfriend or done anything more than a peck on the cheek. But here's the issue. Before I go off to school, I'm getting a breast reduction going from a 32F to a 32C and I'm

going to have major scars on my boobs for around a year. Do you think I should let prospective guys know about my Frankenstein chest before we get busy? Do you think boys will really care? Do you think UK dating protocol is different? Also, any sex slash make out tips you wish you would have known when you were a freshman in college would be very much appreciated. Ooh.

Huge fan for a long time. Sincerely, cornea. All right, cornea. Do you have to warn someone? No. I mean, as long as you're healed and you don't have to warn them to like, hey, be gentle with my breasts because they're sore or because they're like stitches there. That's right.

No, I don't think you have to warn anybody. Also, I think most of the time when you're hooking up in college, it's going to be dark. They won't really know. I think you can have a conversation at some point to clarify what stuff is, but you don't have to say like heads up. Yeah. Just so you know, I used to have bigger boobs. But if you start dating somebody and then you're like, by the way, I'm getting smaller

boobs in two weeks, should you let them know? I guess. Like heads up. What you see isn't what you're going to get. I don't know. Just so you know, I'll have different boobs soon. Well, you're a boob guy, so I think that matters more to you. Oh, so if she was like, just so you know, I'm getting a butt reduction, you'd want to know.

I would. Yeah. I demand to know. I would throw myself in front of the car on the way to the hospital. You actually make people fill out a questionnaire if they're planning on changing their butt before dating you. As long as, well, if it gets bigger, that's cool. Okay.

So yeah, only in one direction is it fine for you. That's a Drake line. I'll pay to make it bigger. I don't pay for no reduction. Really? Yeah. That's not very woke. Well, Drake actually has a pretty fraught writing relationship with women.

Really? But then he's a little condescending and misogynistic, to be sure. He'll be like, you have to pick up when I call. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly correct. Like you better not be at a place where you can't pick up when I call. Don't send me to voicemail or text me and say, I'm busy right now.

And to Drake saying, you're a good girl and you know it, that's a good girl to Drake is somebody who doesn't party. Yeah. What is it? Stay at home. Yeah. What are that lines about? Stay at home.

I don't remember it now. I think it's pretty please. Hold on a second. There is a hotline bling line about stay at home. Oh yeah, stay at home now going out more. Right. Yeah. You used to not go out as much.

You used to always stay at home. Be a good girl. You was in the zone. You should just be yourself. Right now, you're someone else. Yeah. So he doesn't like when other people are partying and hooking up with other people because that's what Drake does.

That's right. But you should stay at home and be a good girl waiting for Drake to be done partying. And I hope the fucking God it calls you. Do you think UK dating protocol is different? I don't know. They're very polite there. So they probably wouldn't say anything about your scars if they noticed. Do you think boys will really care?

I don't. Same. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like you're just going to be able to walk around easier. That's going to be great for you. Sex slash make out tips. You wish you had known.

A make out tip or a sex tip. I guess. I'm going to urge this lady to be a demisexual. Really? Yeah. You don't want to lose your virginity without being emotionally attached. Yeah. I don't know.

That's nice. That's smart. But is there any, I don't know, is there any like sex tips that you wish you knew when you were younger? I don't think that like it's like a tip thing. It's more of like a practice thing. Yeah. You have to gain experience.

Yeah. Sex is interesting because no one really teaches you how to be good at it. You just sort of do it and then like you'll gradually get better or stay the same as you go. You learn what it is. So I guess like just do that. Learn what makes you feel good because that's like what's more important later on too. Yeah.

Knowing your own body. Most of our tips are for guys. Yeah. So it's, it's hard to give a sex tip to a lady. Right. Let's just give guys sex tip. Yeah. Okay.

So get your cock nice and hard before you put that condom on. Very good. That's really good. Practice safe sex. That's a tip that you wish you'd known. Yep. Remember when you got all those girls pregnant with your songs? Oh, that's true.

All right. Let's take a break. It'll just last an ad for you guys listening, but it'll be, it'll mean a world of difference for Jake who may or may not be blind on the other side of this commercial. It'll be a day and it'll be a lifetime. Either that or you'll have laser vision. You said you're a little afraid of having too clear vision, right? I think that what I don't like is when I wear my glasses and I have really clear vision

and like people look at me and they see that I'm wearing glasses and they know what this obviously I'm insane, but I can see too clearly and then like people look at me and like the glasses are this thing, like this device that I'm using to cheat to see them clearer than I should and it makes me feel like what I'm doing is invasive. It makes me feel like I'm wearing X-ray goggles and then people can see that I'm wearing the X-ray goggles. Got it. But I don't have any problem with how clearly I see.

I would rather have that and just no glasses. Of course. Of course. All right. If it goes well for you, we'll find out soon and then who knows? Maybe I'm next. Whoa. Yeah, right.

No, never. Probably. All right. Back soon. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow.

That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great.

Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant.

We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something.

That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

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Go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional

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Oh my God. Yeah. A day has elapsed. Mm-hmm. It's been basically almost 24 hours. Yeah. The first part was on a Monday. You got your LASIK surgery.

You're back on a Tuesday. How'd it go? It went well. Okay. I'll say one thing. It is a little more invasive than they let on. Yeah. Right off the bat.

When people are like, LASIK, it's no big deal. You're in. You're out. It's fine. It's a little bit of a big deal. Well, let's slow a little bit. Okay. So you get, you take an Uber there because you can't drive after.

Correct. You arrive. You check in. It's like an audition or a doctor's or what's it like, like a haircut place. Yeah. It's like a mix of all of those things. Yeah. You sign in.

Yeah. They send you into a room. Right. It's like a big packet of stuff that's like, here's, here's everything that you need to know. Like you might experience discomfort some people. A waiver basically. Yeah.

Exactly. If they blind you, it's not their fault. You know what else was fucked up? Like as I was walking in, there were two different phone calls of people complaining. And she's like, yeah, no, you shouldn't be still like have your vision shouldn't be like hazy like that. Like you can come back in and then like as I sitting down, she's like, yes, no, it concerns me a lot that you've been five days and you're feeling discomfort still.

That's like, I have to be straight up with you. That's not, that shouldn't be it. Yeah. I mean, if you do 10 of those a day, you're going to be fielding one or two of those types of calls every hour. So I was pretty nervous at that point. Yeah. And then she's like, don't worry.

That's a rare condition. Well, they weren't even talking to me. They like just sat me down. I initialed all the lines that were like, you might be uncomfortable, it might not work. All that like the wave or shit. Then you watch a seven minute video that tells you like how to care for your eyes afterwards. It's called this might be the last video you'll ever see. Yeah.

So before I end, I looked at, I was just like looking at Instagram stories and I'm like, this is the last time I'll ever, but the last thing is like a meal that my friend from high school cooked that looks fine. All right. Someone's on a boat tour of New York city. Great. Dave Rosenberg is live again. Glad I saw that.

For the last time. So then you finally, you watch the video and they take you to the room and is it like a dentist chair? Well, before that, they take me to not the laser room. They take me to another eye. Basically I get a brand new eye exam, even though I've done it with them before. Oh, I see. And that's where the doctor comes in.

Who is like a fucking celebrity to me at this point? Because you see him in the video. Holy shit. You see him on the poster. You never see him. But there he is. He gives me the exam. It's like better or worse, one or two, one or two.

They get your prescription. Get my prescription. But like really nail it. It wasn't like Lenscrafters. It was like this. Is there a lot of pressure? You're like, I don't know. They both look the same.

Please don't. That was marginally better to cut my eye out. Dude. For it. Because it might not actually be. I can't tell. But then they take like 3D scans of your eyes after that. To verify the prescription.

So what was your prescription? Do you remember? I think it was negative. It had a change. It was like negative 1.25 in the right eye with like a 25% stigmatism or something. Does that make sense? Yeah. And then in the left eye was like negative 1 with the 50% stigmatism.

Got it. I recently found out what those numbers are. Like 2020 vision is perfect. What you can see from 20 feet, a person with perfect vision can also see from 20 feet. Now when you say you're minus 1.25, that means like what you see from 20 feet, a guy with perfect vision can see from 125 feet. Holy shit. Yeah.

So I minus 300. So a guy with perfect vision would have to be 300 feet away for something for it to be as clear as I see it from 20 feet. That's insane. Yeah. Wow. And then like it goes worse and worse and worse from there. Damn.

So you have minus 1.25, which is like kind of blurry, but like not. I can't survive. Right. And that was sort of like what it was. Like I would walk into the gym or a bar where I was like going to meet somebody and I like wouldn't be able to know if they were there or not. Even while I was eating dinner with them. That's like the shape of somebody I know.

Right. But no details in the face. No details in the face. And then this morning I was like walking to work and I saw a guy on a segue. I was like, I can see your dumb face, you little segue loser. Well, no spoilers yet. Sorry. You get to the, you meet the doctor.

Meet the doctor. I get the scan, I get the, then I get like the eye scan. Yeah. Then I go into another wedding room that's a little more private, dimly lit. They come and they, they give me a volume to calm my nerves. Wow. Did you feel that volume? I felt it on the ride home because as soon as I took it, as soon as I took the volume

and they're like, all right, I get in the chair like, well, what have we got the drugs? What about? When you're in the dim room, is it like the anxiety of like you're about to go on a roller coaster? Is it the anxiety of like, I'm just going to take off on a plane? Are you feeling it at all? Are you feeling nothing? It's definitely more than that.

It's the anxiety of like, oh, it's probably, it's similar to the anxiety I felt when we went on the swing in New Zealand. That bad. You know, not probably not like dangling above a gorge anxiety level between that and like when we are about to go on, on stage and perform or something. Got it. So in between like a two and an eight. Yeah.

You're just like, wow, this is pretty bad. I'm not like, oh, oh, oh, oh, right. Not like I need to run away and not do this, which I guess is like sort of how I felt on a swing. Yeah. It was like the kind of, maybe a little more extreme than the dentist getting a kill. Yeah. Or like above a, like a shot.

Yeah. Right. Exactly. I know it's going to hurt, but it'll be fine. Yeah. It's like, I know this is going to be uncomfortable and I'm scared and it could have like really bad consequences, but I'm also not going to run away. I'm not going to leave.

Yeah. This is happening. Yeah. Because people have done this before and they've been fine. Yeah. So they're like, all right, take it to the room. This is the room where it's happening. Yeah.

And there are two, it looks sort of, you've seen like an MRI machine or something? Yeah. It's like a full on, you lie flat on your back. There's like a huge plastic tube. Not like a full on tube, but like a almost like a half, a half circle thing. Yeah. Like a tunnel of sorts. Yeah.

You don't go fully into a tunnel though. It's like a big, a big helmet that they like can swing over you. That's kind of what it is. It doesn't cover your whole body, just your face. Got it. So you lie back, your head goes like into this like sunken like indent there. I wonder how many people at this point are just like, I don't want to do this, never mind.

I thought about it a little bit. Yeah. I was like, this is, this is crazy. My eyes aren't that bad. I'll just never mind. I'll wear glasses. That's also fine. But it was also more like less the laser and more like the recovery time because every

time I've gone in, they're like, oh yeah, next day you're good, you go to work. And this time I went in, they're like, all right, next day you can go to work and two weeks of these drops and these drops and sleep with these goggles for 10 days. And I was like, you guys said this was casual. This was a bait and switch. I have to go to Iceland in a week. And I can't just go without my eyes land. Now I have to bring two, I have to get droppers and fucking goggles.

Okay. So you're in the fucking holster. They're about to like, it seems like 2001, a space odyssey. I'm in the holster. They tape my right eye shut. Tape it shut. Yeah. And then they put like numbing drops on my left eye.

Once those are in there, the doctor sort of like holds open my eye and he slides the plastic. It's not like a crazy clamp, but you can tell that it's like it goes under your eyelid. Under your eyelid? Yeah. Wow. So it's keeping your eyelid open. Yeah. And then you have to blink every like 10 to 30 seconds.

Well, they're covering your eye. They have like lots of different drops. I don't know how many different drops I got in there, but like... Blink replacement, basically. Yeah. You're like moist. They wash it out with water. They like put a bunch of like numbing cream in there.

And then like the doctor straight up like takes what seems like a brush and just like brushes your eye. Uh-huh. Cause like all you see is like kind of blurry lights and then there's just like a windshield wiper type thing that goes across your eye. And that's a brush or was that the laser? That's the brush. That's him like getting my eye ready.

And are you asking him questions? Are you, is he telling you what's going on? He's like, you're doing great. And I like, I have like jokes in my head a little bit. Like I wanted to say you're doing great, but like everything that was, I didn't even have a response cause it was like, basically my, I was so scared that everything was, I got a five second delay. So you opted not to have that.

I was like, ask me if I wanted a blanket. So I'm like lying there like petrified. I should have gone. Um, all right. So you opt for not the, the zacto knife blade, right? Not blade. I went bladeless. I went laser.

So you have a thin layer on your eyeball called your cornea. They have to slice that and flap it up. Yeah. Kind of like a little sunglasses. Yeah. The first laser is what creates the flap. Yeah. So that's what he says.

Zach, all right. I'm going to laser your eyes open. I didn't say exactly that, but I did know like from watching the video that that's what was about to happen. He was like, are you ready? How many people say no to that? I bet. Like, I guess.

Uh, yep. Yep. Actually, I'll wear contacts. It's, I think it's just like this weird like friendly thing. Like I was so nervous. I didn't want to do it. It's like, how are you feeling? I'm like, God, thank you.

Like if I'm saying thank you, they're like, all right. Thank you. Okay. Thanks. I'm just, these sort of like blurry red lights and then like one green light, he's like, look at the green light. Look at the green. And he's like, you ready?

Here we go. And then it was just like a sound and the, the green light went from being sort of like a blurry like stoplight green to like the point of a pen. That sharp. Just like super sharp green laser and it starts like moving around and he's like, don't follow it. Don't follow it. Just relax your eye.

I might have followed it by accident. Okay. Uh, and, and then just it lasted like truly maybe like five to 10 seconds, not that's just the flap part. That was just the flap part. Then they taped that eye shut. Oh, they flap and then they don't, they don't do the Lasik part yet. Not yet.

So they tape that I shut. Oh my God. Can you imagine seeing a video of that? I would hate it. Fucking eyeball being slit open. I'd so hate it. And then they did it to my right eye. Exactly same thing.

Are you nervous at this point? Or you're like, okay, now we're in it. No. And as that was ending, he's like, all right, we're almost done. And like, then I started like laughing because it was like so nothing. It didn't even, I felt like the tiniest bit of like pressure. You know, like when you, I guess like similar to going to a dentist when you have like Novacan and like you feel like just like a touch on your gum, but it's probably like stabbing.

Yeah. But it's nothing. It's like just like, Just like somebody pressing on your eyelid a little bit and they're actually lasering it open. Okay. So they do that with that second laser. Still green.

They create the flap. Yeah. Same exact thing. Go back. Then they like sit me up and they help me over to the next laser and I'm like not opening my eyes. You can open your eyes. Like, and I did and I was like, I'm not blind.

Everything was like blurry and my eyes were like watering a lot, but I guess that's also like the numbing stuff. So your flaps were open at this point. I don't know. Like, yeah, I think they had been created, but they hadn't been peeled back. Got it. They were there, but flaps still down. Yeah.

So then I go back into the next machine and they do, I mean, the exact same thing. Tape one eye shut. Hold the other eye open. And this, it's not the same machine. It's a different machine, different laser, but this is when the doctor peels back the flap and the second laser exact same scenario. Look at the green. And now I'm a pro at this.

I know exactly like, Yeah. It's the third time. My eye blurry green turns into the sharp green point, but this time you hear like sort of, this is like, they're like melting away some of the cornea. The actual, the front, not the back of your eyeball. Right. Yeah.

Like, because I think what it is sort of, it's like, it's like a windshield. It's like a lens, it's a, like a glass lens, but like, I had like a lot of cornea build up. So they like hollowed it out a little bit. Okay. I don't know exactly what it is, but they're like, they're creating a better lens. Got it. And that involves like just straight up burning some of it off.

So you smell it. That's the fucking crazy part. And this is the actual Lasik surgery that's happening. There's no third step. Yes. There's no third step. So they lift up the flap and then they start burning the cornea. They burn it off and you like can feel, you can't like feel anything besides like the

pressure, but you sort of just like know what's happening. So like makes you. A laser is burning your eyeball. Yeah. They're taking away little pieces of your eye. And how do they possibly know it's like, all right, don't take too much because he's only a minus 1.25. I think, I mean, that is all the lasers and the doctors.

I don't know. Like there's, is he actually controlling the difference of the laser between a 1.25 and a one? That's a good question for him. I don't know. We should have him on the show. I'd love that. Okay.

I would love to talk to Dr. Lee. And what is your eyeball burning smell like? It's hard to describe. I've never smelled anything like it. Because it's smell like meat. Did it smell like burning paper? No, it smelled a little more, less like that, more like like a science experiment kind of burning.

Got it. Sulfury meat. And he's like, ignore the smell. That's just your eyeballs burning. No, I just, yeah, I just sort of assumed that's what it was. Got it. So they do it to one eye. Then they do it to the other one.

And he's like, all right, all done. And he's like, all right, yeah, you did great. And they were like, all right, go in here. They dilated my eyes so we can give me like a post-exam thing. And then I just like sat it back in the waiting room, just like shutting my eyes. Were you like, I hope when I open them, they're fine or they're like, it won't be fine for a little bit. They didn't say anything about it.

I was imagining that I would just be like lights out, blind. Black. But like when I opened my eyes, I could see, you know, not good, but fine. Like what? I looked at my phone to see what time it was and I couldn't see that. Got it. But like I could see, I was, I was walking out of the room. I like, I didn't need help.

I could have like found the door, found the seat, everything would have been fine. Got it. Like I could see everything. Which is not like little specifics. And the weird thing is like, then I looked at my phone to see what the time and I couldn't. So I like held it closer to my face and I like, there was, I couldn't see it at all. Just like total blur. Like light sensitivity, blurriness or like just every edge.

Just like, I wouldn't, couldn't find sharp, like a sharp, a sharp edge on any way. And you're wearing sunglasses that they give you? At that point, I was not wearing the sunglasses yet. I wore those afterwards. Okay. Oh, no, I was wearing them. Yeah. I was walking around there wearing sunglasses.

And then how long are you waiting before he checks to see his work? Fifteen minutes while my eyes dilated, then he, then I could see like my eyes like weren't that blurry anymore. We could see pretty well. They put more of the numbing stuff in there and that like got them nice and wet. Yeah. He looked at my eyes. He said that it went really well.

He said, you did great. And I was like, thanks. And that, that time I finally said, you did great. And then that was it. And like they said, I would, then I had to wait 45 minutes for Jill to pick me up because I had told her to come at the wrong time. Got it. So you're waiting, you can't look at your phone or you can sort of look at it.

I, I could, I, I couldn't read a single thing on it. Yeah. And also they told, they tell you like not to look at the screen, just basically. Were you still nervous at this point? Um, no. Like I thought that went well. I wasn't. Yeah.

I was more uncomfortable. I was like, all right, I want this to be over. This is like, now I have to like just shut my eyes for the entire night, then I have to go to sleep and like I'll wake up and hopefully feel better. What was home like when you got home? When I got home, I could see a little bit. I could see enough when I got home that I like downloaded the tune in app and put the calves game on.

So you were listening to a radio. So I was just, I listened to the whole entire cap game, uh, lying on the couch with my eyes shut and then Jill made dinner. Have you ever listened to a basketball game on the radio? No, but I love it. Oh, that's interesting. By the end, I could really see it. Really?

Yeah. That's cool. So who needs LASIK? Um, you just need a really good radio play by play commentator. That's true. If they could describe the street, street signs as I drive home, were you nervous to like were you constantly checking to see if your eyes were better and you're like, it's okay. That's fine.

It's not yet. I was more nervous about like, I just wanted to rest them even more than they said I should. Like I think they said after a few hours, I could like, um, use your eyes. Yeah. But I just, I straight up basically kept them shut all the way up until bedtime and then I just went to sleep because I was like, really nervous to sleep where you're like, this is great. Eight hours of shut eye.

I was nervous to sleep because I didn't want to like rub my eyes or like move the mask. I just kept on a match like rolling over putting my arm on the mask and having it dig into my cornea, ripping the flap off. So I like slept like a dead person, just backups are on my back. I straight up, I put my sleeping mask over my night goggles. Yeah. You like one false move and just like slides it open like a sheet coming off of bed and a couple.

And but I pretty much slept through the night and like, is there a nervous mark when you're waking up? You're like, I'm going to open my eyes for the first time. Yeah. When I did that, I was like, oh, it's like everything is like a little blurry. My eyes are really sensitive and I was like, well, that's every morning. Yeah. And then I brushed my teeth and I went out into my living room and from my living room

I can like see a house like that's way up on a hill. Yeah. And it was like just ultra clear. Whoa. And that's the moment. I was like, I felt like a goddamn superhero. It was like, and then I was like walking around, I was like, I wouldn't be able to like read the title of that book usually.

So there's a lot of like guessing like, wait, did my eyes used to be like a little bit like, how better is this? That's right. And then when I went to, finally when I went to work, I was like, I walked and I took the train and I was just looking at street signs, looking at shop signs, like testing my eyes and it is crazy. So it's a full success. Oh yeah.

I can see so much further than before. And there's still like a little sensitivity about light. My eyes are like getting a little tired, but in terms of like what I can see, oh yeah, I can drive. You're going to drive. And I can see, I can see just so fucking clearly. You probably don't have to use the troughs. Yeah.

I mean, what do I need the steroid troughs for? I'm the man. Oh yeah. It's your, one of your flaps is kind of dangling. Really? Yeah. Here. Let me just massage it shut.

Ouch. Oh, you yanked it. You yanked it like a bandaid. That was my flap, man. I thought it was top down, not bottom up. I am so sorry. I wonder if that happens. Like what would happen if the flap came off?

Yeah. It takes, I think they said it like 10 days before the flap is like, you're not supposed to, you're not supposed to take a shower in the first 24 hours. You're not supposed to like rub your eyes really hard for a straight up month. A month? Oh, because then it could just. Yeah. You don't want to disrupt the flap.

Wow. It's like a scar that's healing. Yeah. Holy shit. So I'm, I'm trying to take real nice care of the flaps, real good care of the flap. For now you recommend it. Yes. I think if you're, if definitely for people like me who's like, I just couldn't get used

to wearing my glasses and I was like living my life with everything blurry. I think that like it's different if you're like, if you're good wearing your glasses. Yeah. Then. It would be a whole rebrand for me. I'd be like a different human if I could just see without glasses, but I'm kind of curious. Maybe that's the next step. Whereas before you got LASIK, I would say I was like 0% into it and now I'm like 5%

years. You can go and get a free consultation and see if you're a good candidate. No, this is fine. I'm probably a great candidate. I really just have to. They just go do it. I mean. I could do it and then just still wear glasses.

That's the weird thing. Yeah. And then if you ever like, when you wake up, you would just like have good vision or if your glasses were dirty, you could take them off and you'd be able to see. Yeah. But I don't want to be that guy that's like, do you need glasses? I'm like, actually I don't. I just wear them anyway.

I think that you're 35 now. You're confident enough that if anybody made fun of you, you'd be like, I spent my whole life wearing my glasses. I like them. I have thin skin. I like the way I look. I wore glasses for real for 25 years, so don't give me that bullshit. I suffered and now they're trendy and I can see, but I'm going to fucking be, I'm going

to be trend. It's like wearing a watch or something. Yeah. Yeah. I would rather get LASIK than wear a watch. I don't know. Try to convince me people. Tweet at me.

I think you should because it's just so nice. Yeah. I'm curious. I'm definitely a little bit curious. All right. Let's talk about our live shows and then get the hell out of here. That took up the entire fucking second half. I hope you're happy.

That counts as my unsolicited advice. That's right. If you're thinking about it, get LASIK. LASIK. All right. So we're going to Amsterdam on June 4th, London on June 6th. That show is sold out. And then Dublin on June 10th.

Come check us out. Jake will have perfect vision. I would love to see you there. Nice. Thank you. Did you take any selfies during the LASIK? No. I took one afterwards when I sent you.

Oh, good man. Yeah. Do you know what your vision is now at this point? Yes. I got an eye test. Yeah. My vision is 2015. That's better than 2020.

But it's 2018 now. I'm better than perfect. Just like 2015 was a better than perfect year. Remember 2015? Oh, that was the guilty year. Well, Trump was just like a silly little thing that wouldn't happen. You think Trump has contacts in because he's never wearing glasses? Did he get LASIK?

Let's say he didn't. And he's just down to be a blurry guy. I think his vision is blurry and I think that's good. You never see Trump in reading glasses. You never see him like take reading glasses out of his joke like coat pocket. He doesn't put it on and read like a menu. He probably stands close enough to the TV that he can just see without like being blurry. Or like he shouts at the drive-thru menu so like he sort of already knows what he wants.

Oh, yeah. He's got the McDonald's menu. Quarter pounder medium fries. And three of them. Now please. That is what he does when he goes to the drive-thru. You know he's going to the drive-thru. Of course.

We'll answer some more questions next week, I promise. Closing theme song is by Travis. All right. Travis. Wait, Travis Scott? No, I don't think so. All right. It's gonna be insane.

It's a fun rock and roll riff. Awesome. So enjoy it. See you guys next week. Fun special guest already recorded. Get pumped. Get very pumped. Bye.

Looking back at me, I see that I never really got it right I never stopped to ask the dudes of what I'm bringing to the line. If I were you, what I really meant to say is E-M-J-A-D today If I were you, show me how to come If I were you, show me how to What I really meant to say is E-M-J-A-D today If I were you, show me how to come If I were you, show me how to come That was a hate gum podcast