If I Were You - 333: Memory Lane (w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: June 4, 2018

Comedian, friend, and lover Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss comedy writing, early Internet, and his new wine podcast "The Wine Down."See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. At the very moment when you look around say fuck it I'ma do what's wrong yo Everybody need to know the show gotta listen to it now you know Yeah it's hosted by Jake and Amir you know they always be there listening like a prayer Yo got a problem they might care and if not then they know they will always be fair Stand up problem to them Try to help you get it through Always helping you do you

Listen to it I will you Whoa Justin Goncalves Justin always back I like that song Yeah you said it sounded like you rapping At one point the part where there's like yeah Well you think every rapper kinda sounds like you Well it sounded a little bit like Kendrick and a little bit like Drake

Kendrick who? Kendrick Drake and like the Daniel Stern and the Wonder Years doing the voiceover Oh yeah yeah that's cool that's basically jaw roll Yeah my favorite rapper That's good I remember that Wonder Years episode Where Paul Pfeiffer Sure In my head

Yeah There's Jake and Amir Correct cool thank you Now You don't have to say any more than that we do appreciate that That's enough Ben Schwartz in case you guys didn't recognize him Which Ben Schwartz there's a lot of them tell him which one

The which The one and only No there's a bunch Oh really? Yeah there's a guy who illustrates there's a writer who's Ben Schwartz You're the writer We're the guy who illustrates I'm the guy who illustrates the New Yorker

Who seems to be a lovely guy by the way I have direct message with him on the internet And I think his work is really good Have you ever asked him for your username does he have Ben Schwartz? No what does he have I don't know what he has Cause you're rejected jokes across all platforms I am rejected jokes on insta and tweets and um that's it Haven't really done snapchat anymore I kind of stop I kind of stop Snapchat is kind of falling out of favor

Is it over? I don't do much Facebook either but you guys are big on there right I hate Facebook and snapchat I think Twitter and Instagram are my top two then Facebook then snapchat Why Twitter above Instagram? Because for like news and sports and stuff like that Oh what you use? I'm on all Instagram all day I hate everything else

You don't do Instagram do you? I look I personally don't Instagram a lot but when I do it's gold Do you want to tell everybody that you got lay sick or is that too personal? No we talked about it last episode probably too much Yeah We went over in depth how he got it and how he felt how scared he was If Ben hasn't heard that episode I'll talk about it again This is the first full day that you have that you could see

So I'm gonna put up a certain amount of fingers and you tell me how many I'm holding up Sweet that's one are you gonna Oh my god yeah they're up right now Oh really? For real I'm like four feet away from you Okay, oh no So I don't see super clearly I can't really see fingers but I can like read signs I see the flaps the flaps didn't heal

Eww Jesus Christ Oh that's not a lens I can peel it off sort of like a hangnail Oh God And I can hold it up to my eye and see out of it like a like a spy glass I believe I can hold it up to my eyes Nice I believe I can touch my cornea

Nice Can't do our Kelly stuff now though Really? I think there's a lot of backlash Alright I'll bleep that out Okay Would you ever get Lasik Ben? I'm a little bit nervous about it

I think you're the perfect candidate because you use contact lenses You don't even like your glasses I like my glasses how dare you But you like the way you look without glasses What if my glasses are listening to this? You're honestly an asshole You don't wear glasses very often is what I'm saying I wear glasses at night time and before and when I wake up

That's right and your vision is even worse than mine So like you What's your vision? I'm a minus three Oh wow you're nothing dude Yeah you're minus four I'm minus four What were you?

You were nothing I was like minus one and a half in each eye Yeah then why did you even get Lasik? Because I couldn't read science I couldn't drive at night You gotta be perfect What kind of race? You gotta be perfect

I had to wear glasses to watch TV And go to movies and go to sporting events And I always forgot With a one five? Yeah God imagine what me and Amir are like I can't I really can't

So why wouldn't you get Lasik Ben? I'm a little bit nervous I'll pay for it How much is it? How much was it? Does insurance cost it? Well let's bleep this part out But it was $19,000

Oh my god No it's worth Oh my god It was $4,000 Okay that's I mean that's expensive That's expensive But that's a life changing surgery

Yeah you can get And does anything cover it? Does health insurance cover it? No it's totally elective You can get For $4,000 I can get a really shitty car You can get cheap at Lasik You can get cheap

You can get Lasik for like $1,000 Yeah but you wanted to go to that hot shot doc I wanted the real shit I also got the lasers instead of the fucking blades Oh yeah you told me So you didn't have to like You feel good I feel great

I also I went to the doctor yesterday Sorry to interrupt But I went to the doctor yesterday And I have better than perfect vision I got my follow up 2015 you said 2015

Unbelievable Jake I don't see I don't like the phrase better than perfect vision I do Perfect vision would be whoever is number one So if Jake doesn't have the best vision in the world Which he doesn't Well by mathematical standards

And how they measure your vision Which is 2020 being the best I'm just saying there shouldn't be better than perfect I spent $4,000 so I like better than perfect I agree That feels pretty damn good Whoa whoa Jake you're crying

Jake you're crying You're fucking crying You're fucking going crazy You can't cry It's worse than perfect I also have to get deviated septum surgery I can barely breathe out of my nose Really?

Yeah one of my nostrils is always clocked What do they do for that They just like They go inside your nose So there's like a part of my nose Inside the nose I guess like It's like I don't know like

Some bones are touching I don't know what's going on But air can't travel through one of them So when I breathe Do you mouth breathe during the night? I don't snore very much No but I'm saying do you Do your mouth open when you sleep

Sometimes yeah When you have a deviated septum Isn't it easier for you to get like Sinus infection or something Yes I got when I was Maybe three years ago Four years ago I got strep pneumonia Two diseases

From because the Strep pneumonia and gum disease It was a gingivitis No but it was Strep pneumonia And it didn't go away forever It was so annoying But I had like

So I have to get that surgery But I'm terrified of it So I haven't got it Although I've had a bunch of friends That have gotten it recently And have all come out Being like it changes your life Like you breathe

I kind of want to do it Because I breathe through my mouth I'm wondering The problem is you have no point of reference You don't know how easy it is for other people You can go to a doctor And they can tell you if you're septum Well yeah they take an x-ray

That's how you find out But if my nose is just like everybody else's And I'm just being a little whiny about it See that's what's part of me also Because I'm like If I don't think about it I don't remember it That's right

And the second I remember it I'm like oh my god I can't breathe But if somebody gave me the option You should do it Because that's how That's how I felt about Lasik And it really is night and day I feel like a brand new person

Wow that's amazing Also when I was in You dress different too You were in a cape Yeah I am gingivitis Gingivitis When I was in high school A lot of like

Not a lot But a couple girls Got septum Like deviated septum surgery But it was sort of like Oh nose job stuff It was like a low key nose job When they came back

And their noses were just smaller That many people would probably say I should probably do someone about it But when I talked to the guy about it I was like just inside Don't touch my schnoz This is what I was born with This is what I gotta live with

This is my money maker This is it Even if you change it I'm not gonna look way better So why change it Do they have to break your nose To do the deviated septum thing I know they go inside

And they chip away at something The doctor punches you in the face Yeah he just punches you And it could be like a basketball injury That made it happen Like getting hit in the nose Oh that's cool I remember wearing a mask

Like Rip Hamilton Oh remember Rip Hamilton You could have just A bunch of basketball players And recently wore a mask But you chose like B Rip Hamilton Alright B Rip Hamilton right

Rip Hamilton But it's still a good point What makes you tick Jake I'm glad you asked You know I never thought about it Can I tell you what I think it is Yeah sure Honestly

Love Wow Really You think I operate just purely out of love Yeah I think you're like a love machine Oh I'm like a love machine Here we go

And I don't know nobody but you Come on man Jake Jake Jake I'm a love machine Ow ow ow Really One second Your flaps are all

Your flaps Yeah it's my cornea It's not my voice I actually have perfect pitch Wow But I can't see What is your pitch 2015 Nice

Better than perfect Wow BTP Can I talk about the wine down here Oh yeah I did a podcast for That we That was me hosting it

We'll do plugs at the end It was me hosting it And I had comedians on And Jake and Amir came on In addition to the comedians We came on to two episodes Do you think we had the best You did three

It ended up being three Thanks for listening Wow Because you did two But then we made one of them was so long Because you guys wouldn't shut the fuck up We were doing the chipmunk bit For a very very long time

Oh my god I had to erase so much stuff You erased the chipmunk though I have higher ups to please The chipmunk stuff made it in It's the bunghole stuff that got cut Oh yeah we did a whole long run about bungholes But I think it's really good

All the bungholes got cut It's not all the bungholes Of course not But it's Jake and Amir Scott Ackerman It's basically a competition Capra Lant, Eugene Cordero And Laura Moses who I wrote a book with

Called Things You Should Know About Dating You fucking idiot And we get experts on every single episode And we talk about wine And it's basically a comedy podcast with wine And here I am plugging it here on this podcast And I'm very excited to do so There's only seven episodes

Who is your favorite guest Who is your favorite guest Excluding me and Amir obviously No no no I'm gonna include you guys I'm not gonna do it in order But who I say last is definitely the worst Okay

So Scott Ackerman's up there of course Comedy Bang Bang is a classic podcast If you haven't checked it out You don't have to talk about it To delete this right now And go to that And then I mean have Capra Lant as a genius Capra Lant is a genius

And then rounding out your top three Laura Moses is unbelievable Eugene Cordero was on fire On fire That's cool And then rounding out your top four Top five Well top one is me and you

Because he said it's excluding me No no no I said it's including I'll get the one that I hated the most I'll put last Okay And then what are we down to I'm just picking up the rear Only one left

Okay Jake and Amir Oh so Amir was dead last Yeah Jake's number one Loser Hey if we do another season Do you guys wanna come on Hell yeah we went to

We went to Napa We went to Napa It was great Everybody was happy Yeah Do you remember that dinner That dinner was so fucking good We had a great time

We had a great time I enjoy Jake and Amir Half the reason why I do this is Because I'm worried about you guys What's that I'm just worried about you guys You know what I mean No

Oh you wanna talk about how I've Sort of added a little vice Into your life Oh yeah the wind down It's called No no no I'm talking about The podcast is called the wind down I'm talking about how I'm like

Been a bad influence on you And then me hosting it And then Jake and Amir What I've been doing is sort of like So if you like this podcast Urge you into a life It's almost I think we get the same numbers

Already as this podcast You wanna talk about how I've been Sort of like Been the little devil on your Shoulder Sort of convincing you to be doing Something quasi legal Let's take the uh

First question What's the vice There's no vice You know I've never done drugs before Yeah And so what was I Able to continue Oh Amir is a huge gambler

Is that what you're talking about Are we talking about Our little side hustle Don't say hour I've never clicked the god damn button Oh you gave I'm Ben's fucking bookie No way

Ben know of your money So he can gamble for you No I've never I've never exchanged money To Amir In my life Is that true Because we've never lost

Winner winner Oh chicken blur Definitely for dinner You guys took the rockets in the last game No of course not We don't bet first of all Amir has a problem And I just try to get him through it

By helping him Giving him advice Okay great so can I have the winnings back Spent it I love that shit You know what I really enjoy More than anything Yeah

Cool cup of Joe That's nice You're drinking water You don't drink caffeine Oh you guys don't call water Joe I get my water from this guy Joe On the street Really

Yeah he makes his own spring water How does he make spring water He goes to the spring Because the spring water comes from his So he doesn't make it He just picks it up Oh how does Evian make spring water They go to the spring I guess

Yeah so what are you yelling at me for I'm your friend Is that a wrap I feel like we did enough We haven't done anything We haven't done anything We haven't started We haven't started the show yet

We haven't started the show yet This is if I were you The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by me and Jake Sometimes it's just us Sometimes we have our friends in the world And today we have friends The wind down is with a wine expert

Ben we already talked about the wind down Oh happy anniversaries on Netflix If you guys want to check it out It's a movie with me and Noel Wells That's awesome It's an original movie You can watch that for free But right now

I gotta ask you Things you should already know about dating you Fucking idiots This is just a plug This is just a plug It is a book that I wrote with Lauren Moses It's a hundred of these great tips What is this a PR press tour

About dating We have a 20 year old from Perth, Australia DuckTales Woo And also by the way If you're catching up with DuckTales I play Dewey also We just had Darkwing Duck on the show

I don't know if you guys remember Darkwing Duck We had Gizmo Duck by Lin Manuel And the original Darkwing Duck Darkwing Duck There you go I better watch out for you bad boys Duckwing Duck Hit it

Let's get dangerous All right When you're in trouble you call DW What did you say Invite time for our podcast Derpy from the shadows Oh also Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles I play Leo

Leonardo I'm the blue one I play the blue thing and everything Shit We're going through your IMDB right now The end of Terminator 2 Where he turns into all the guys At the end as he's melting

You must not have seen Terminator 2 As you just sort of melting into different plugs Just shouting them at random As this snaps There's got to be something else We should chat about You're going to like this question It's creative

You're going to like the way this question I guarantee it I guarantee it 20 year old from Perth, Australia Give me an Australian's name Male Oh sure Chance

Yeah Philanthropy That's nice It's a nice one If by chance you're into Philanthropy You love this question Philanthropy He's a 20 year old from Perth, Australia

I work a very boring job And have been doing so for over a year Boring job In high school I loved music and film And now I'm starting to write again And I wanted to start filming something My question is What kind of cameras do you use?

And also when do you feel like you are the most creative? And when do you do your best writing? Love Chance When do you do your best writing? What kind of camera do you use? What kind of camera do you use firstly? It matters what we're doing

It matters what the budget is If you have a big enough budget And you're not paying for it for yourself Oftentimes we'll try to get the Alexa Or the red But if you're just shooting I find those little cannons The 5D's work

There's all sorts of fun little guys that I use Even our iPhone We've been shooting stuff on our iPhone Really? Yeah But there are some very inexpensive There's these boxy ones also that I use I forget what it's called

They're very inexpensive to rent There's a wonderful DP I use Called Andy Riz And I don't remember what the name of the cameras he bought Or he took it That's okay you just use Andy This guy should just You can find friends

Find friends that want to be directed Oh listen If you're not personally Because Amir just asked me What did I use So I'm just saying that If as me as a human being When I'm using stuff

If you want to film something Literally take your camera Put it sideways And film something It is We are in a world where All the things are at your fingertips When Jake Amir and I were coming up

Or even when they were working on College Humor We did not have the ability to shoot Real good HD video So it was hard to do it all ourselves But now not only can you shoot it You can use iMovie Or you can use anything you want To edit it

And you can do sat like There's everything is at your fingertips It almost becomes like a Skill set you have to know now In order to excel in the field I would say Do you remember like your first internet video And how difficult it was to create It was me and Jenna Jameson

Awesome She's the goat I heard her views are a little bit Wacked out now, right? Really? I don't know, I haven't been following it I don't know either I don't really know what her opinion is on stuff

Don't you love porn actresses? Isn't that your thing? I do, yeah But I don't like love what they are About in their day to day life I'm not interested in their What was your first viral video then? This is a great question

The first viral video I was a part of Was the first video I ever wrote and shot Saw? The saw? No, it was this The date getting broken up with on Valentine's Day No, it was called cheating It was done many, many years ago Before RejectedJokes.com went on

I was like So I did this I do this website called RejectedJokes.com And the idea was I was freelancing jokes For David Letterman's monologue And all the jokes I wanted to get picked up I was going to film myself doing On stage

Do you guys remember this at all? Yeah, yeah You filmed yourself doing it on stage And I knew that nobody knew who I was So I wanted to try to do a video To get people to care about the website This was when? 2004? Man, I mean it could be by the way

We could look it up, it could be I don't know if I've ever told you the story I did a video called Cheating I was wearing the Burger King mask Do you remember that? Yeah So back in the day there was like this commercial Where this guy in the Burger King mask

Anytime he showed up whatever was happening People were like fine Like the Mentos All of a sudden everybody was happy I remember this video and I didn't remember That it was you Yeah, it was mine So I literally

I have Sarah Burns Who's been in a bunch of stuff since Greg Tukolescu So I come in and I'm making out With Sarah Burns And I'm cheating Oh, hell yeah I'm awesome

Jenna Jamison style She's cheating She's cheating on her I'm obviously the person that she's cheating on Yeah, obviously because you wrote it You fucking failed it At my parents' house On my mom and dad's bed

Hotter than I even thought it would be Bill Buckendorf Where you were conceived I believe Bill Buckendorf Shot it Maybe I'm incorrect Bill Buckendorf who ended up doing A bunch of my stuff at the beginning

He was amazing What happened to Buckendorf? I wonder He was great He was unbelievable And he was kind with his time And I didn't know anything And he taught me quite a bit

He directed the first couple of videos I did Wow I think it was him I apologize if it wasn't Maybe it was I think it was So we shot him The whole idea is that

I'm cheating on I'm cheating with this girl Whatever And the husband comes in And I run to the closet And he sees my sneakers on the floor And he freaks out And he's like where the fuck is he

I'm gonna find him right now And kill him He takes the baseball bat Opens the closet door And I have the Burger King mask on And he just like smiles And I get away And he's like oh

And the music comes on And I get away with it So I did it I uploaded it This was before YouTube Yeah I wonder where Well maybe YouTube just Oh no I don't know where I uploaded it

It must have been to YouTube Must have been right when YouTube started Okay So it's like 2006 or 2007 YouTube started like 2005 Earlier than that man I mean it started Or maybe I uploaded it on College Humor

It was College Humor before YouTube Yeah Oh then I definitely uploaded it on I wonder I uploaded it somewhere And then the person And I put rejectedjokes.com on the bottom So people know to come to their website

Nice Someone took it Cropped out rejected jokes Of course Naturally That still happens And posted it Sorry about that

And it got 35 million views And it was huge It got 35 million views Yes Maybe more It might have been 50 million Because it was before there were a lot of videos On the internet

Okay And by the way And so And I was so upset And uh And nobody You're right Nobody knew to go to my website

And it didn't do the And nobody knew who I was yet So it didn't do anything For me And so Again I am sorry about that No it was you I forget who it was

But I remember In the username It was either A Scottish reference Or an Irish reference Yep But I remember being so Excited that I had a video

But so bummed That it didn't do The whole thing was supposed to be A marketing tool to get Whatever But um That was the first one I ever did It's called cheating

You can look it up on the internet I will look like a baby in it And Sarah Burns will look like a baby in it And Greg will look like a baby in it So watch cheating And then when When do you do your best writing? Um I

I think Jesse Stern who is a A writer friend of mine Who's written on a bunch of stuff And wrote video games Who I think is very smart Had a great Saying

That Now that we're on our phones And on the computer all day We're inputting information Just in our brains We're like Reading, reading, reading And then we're like

Okay I gotta write You can't just Change the Like rapid input to output It like slowly goes Back out Does that make sense to you? Like if the engine's

Going full throttle the other way Now it's time to write It doesn't just Immediately go full throttle the other way It slows down on input And then slowly goes back So um I think there When it's time to write

You have to stick at it You have to For me it's In the morning-ish It's just knowing I have to know I have a certain amount of time If I'm like I only have like 20 minutes

I can't write I need to sit Cause I know I'm going to mess around on the computer So I like sit And stuff like that But Is messing around on the computer Part of the process for you

Or do you wish you would just disconnect There's part of it Where I sometimes undo my wifi I go to a place And I go to a place to write And I don't get the wifi password But then oftentimes I'll have to look up shit

While I'm writing And I'm like Fuck So I'll go on my phone Or something like that But it matters If I have a deadline I'm also very

I've been doing it for a while now So I'm very strict Yeah with my I'll just like Yeah I'll write a lot For a lot of hours Just cause it's a job That's how we make money

So um But I would say Give yourself enough time Put yourself in a place If you get distracted a lot Put like I put jazz in my ears sometimes Just because if I have songs

With words in it I concentrate on the words In the song You touch us You touch us Yeah put like Chromalone, John Stockton And what are they doing

Just interviews Just interviews Yeah yeah I like to listen to Podcasts from the 90s With like Stockton and stuff like that Why short to short Why is he the dirtiest player

In the world You know what I mean Okay so you're listening to that You're writing You're disconnecting Yes And you like to spend time And also right

If you think of something What I do is I put it in my notes app On my phone So I have a list of ideas That I have not inspired At that moment I could look at this list

This is more back in the day I could look at the list app And see if any of these ideas Spring something to me It's so much harder to write One person, Jake and I Write together and we find That a lot easier

I find it hard sometimes To write with two people Because you have to work With the other person's schedule And then And then also You might disagree In a lot of stuff

And that will slow down The whole process But we wrote a movie together Three of us wrote a movie together That we're going to see If we can get people to care about And I thought it was very efficient We wrote faster than

So you guys were like You wrote garbage And then I rewrite it And then So everybody wrote garbage And I kind of like Fixed it, right? No, I mean sometimes

We write good stuff And you would improve it I was throwing shit I was throwing shit at the wall You saw it Like when you would be like Oh, Jake You have to do 17 pages

I would turn in 48 pages But to be fair Didn't you guys Gobbly good Did you guys write separately For that? Yeah Which doesn't happen often, right?

Yeah, it does Oh, it does happen It does not Oh, it does not I thought that was cool So we split it up And then we would all check Each other's work

So I found that to be very cool It was you wrote 10 And then you passed it to me And I would revise your 10 And add 10 And then Amir would revise my 10 And add 10 Then you would revise Amir's 10

And add 10 Yes, 10 and 10 We called it Swings It actually is I had never We kind of invented that No, I actually got it

From the Thomas Leonard back Oh, that's it Is that true? Yeah But they only do two at a time So we did the three Is that true, really? Yes

You never told me that I wouldn't have done it If I knew that That's how successful Hollywood writers do it I'm not interested in it anymore It was great That movie will hopefully

one day get made That'd be fun One of us has to get more famous I'm working on it Tips Let's take a break Absolutely I don't want to take a break

I know what I want to do right now Yeah, we're going to think A few sponsors We'll be right back It's a movie I did with J.D. Plus And Edie Falco And we'll be right back After this commercial break

We went to Toronto Starting now I just want to see it Thank you to Aura Frames For sponsoring this headgum podcast You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring Not just this episode But the entire headgum network, Jake

Wow That's correct I mean, this might be The Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is Yeah Yeah, not just Father's Day But if for any not so tech-savvy family member

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So there are three of these bad boys In our family right now But they're great Really easy way to like Stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos As you want directly into my parents' kitchen It's really nice

Oh, that's cool So you take a photo of anything Perhaps a baby And then it goes to their digital photo Yeah Frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant

We got her the aura frame We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice, asshole This was actually a really sweet moment For me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit

Like this is how I told my grandma She was pregnant Yeah Like she misheard it or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh my god

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame Holy smokes And we let her know with an aura Yeah Thank you The aura announcement

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And we're back Oh baby baby It's a back world It's hard to get by Just upon a back Back girl Oh wait, Ben You haven't been with us

Since we started our new segment Do you have any? Oh it's a lift dude It's a fight Oh I'm coming Gross What was that? Of course it didn't make sense to you

Why would it? Naturally it's meaningless What was that? It came out of the book Jake get off your phone I hate when you're on the phone During the podcast I'm here with you guys

And what are you even checking? Nothing I felt it vibrate Then put it away It's vibrating still Ben I just need to put it on silent There's nothing that feels worse Than somebody telling you to get off your phone

I know that's true It makes you feel bad I hate that But everyone's on their phone Also because if you don't do it a ton Also when someone catches you You're on your phone all the time You don't get to tell me to be on the phone

Cause everyone's on their phone all the time Always, it's terrible Black mirror, do you know what black mirror means? Yeah What? Oh I thought you were saying Do you know the show Black Mirror? You're striking out today

Okay cool I know what black mirror means Tell me what black mirror means It's when you look into a mirror And you can't see your reflection What do you think black mirror means Amir? I just mean that when you look in your reflection And you can't see yourself

Do you know what it means for real? I thought it was brilliant I do not know You do not know Pick up your phone This is everybody If everybody wants to know what black mirror means This is what I always told it means

Don't touch any of the buttons on your phone Just look at the screen Yeah And it's a black mirror That's beautiful Well when I lift my phone It activates So I can't really see that

Unless I actually That's awesome Wait load up a YouTube video That's really funny Sometimes I do like When I'm like You know watching porn or something And I'm just like

You do love porn The grossest I've ever been And I like go to a new tab And I like just You get your reflection Yeah Or if you clear your screen And you just like

See what you look like Yeah Dead eyes Or what about when you're 12 years ago I put it on YouTube Yeah I actually just pulled it up The rejected jokes I want to see who

Look at this Look at this Just Ben fucking necking In his parents' bedroom In upstate New York Long time ago when I was a little baby You don't look that different For this being like 12 years ago

Oh there he is Yeah camera and editor Bill Buckendorf See Good man And he directed it But he didn't give himself the credit Was he embarrassed?

Of course Absolutely So Ben The segment is unsolicited advice A bit of advice you have That nobody really asked for So for example I said People should buy a water pick

It's good for your oral hygiene Jake suggested really Got no wet wipes Have you done that yet? No Great Okay that's your piece Got no wet wipes

Sell us on it For kind of wet wipes Do you guys not use wet wipes When you go to the bathroom? I do know they're terrible For the environment No they're not They're biodegradable

And they dissolve in the toilet Wow Don't buy it I mean that's what They've made them To be just like that But like everything is Biodegradable

It just takes a really Really really long time Because that's it I love how many realies You popped in there I love that Because I don't really give A shit about the environment

Got no wet wipes It's just It makes it so It's not as abrasive With your toilet paper So walk me through your process You take the log You take one of the

I take one of the Got no wet wipes Oh you start with it first Yeah of course I cut it in half And then I do a wipe And then I use the other half A wipe

And then you can do Dry once or twice To make sure you're good If you want another Got no just to make sure But it just makes it smoother Everything's better Everything's cleaner

Are you squatty pottying? No I've tried once or twice I don't understand it Have you used a bidet? No We're pretty big into bidets Yeah I like bidets I got a bidet in my house

We got a bidet in the office It changes But I bidet bidet bidet That's all folks Nice Porky the pig in Europe Taking a shit I don't like Jake today

Really? No I love him To be honest I love Jake always Jake and I had a little Private lunch the other day It was great We had a really good lunch Where'd you end up eating

We had a hearty green bowl Sweet greens it was good That's nice I actually got an amazing Parking spot do you remember that Yeah I had to park somewhere In the house for more money It was so boring

I'll post a picture of my spot That's nice I took a photo You are the parking king after all A bidet you don't have to use wet wipes It shoots water up your asshole But then how does that work How does it get

You have to still wipe of course You have to get the shit out Yes but just as you do after No you wipe less It doesn't shoot water up your ass Yeah but then isn't the toilet paper Wet when you're wiping your ass Yeah

This sounds terrible The wet wipe is wet Yeah but there's protection It's wet on both sides So there's protection between Toilet paper just crumbled on that Wet asshole Now you gotta use a thicker ply

A single ply one would crumble That's correct You're right to think that Right Well you dab your asshole Blue iguana It's me and Sam Rockwell It's coming out in August

Oh my god this is crazy It's a movie it should be really good I have a weird mustache in it Imagine somebody hosing down Your little butt hole every time You take a shit Wouldn't you do that if you were Infinitely wealthy

Hire someone to do that The bidet does that That's your dream If you had all the money You'd get a man or woman to It would definitely be a man An older man You would get an older man

How old You'd get a gardener for your ass An ass gardener of sorts Wouldn't it be a plumbing man then A gardener is not really tending to much The gardener would be the one Who flushes the toilet It's just a hose

How do you cut the hair How do you cut your pubic hair And the hair where your asshole is I'm so glad you asked I actually did that this morning Really? Yes I'm about to go away on a trip And before I go on a trip

I always like to cut my pubes Can you tell me how you do it With the processes I don't do anything with the ass hair I don't have a very hairy ass Oh you like got that wizard's beard Down there right? Yeah yeah I have a long

Well I have a very well Like right now I dress my pubes To the left So my testicle hair Goes down to just above my head The visual of him showing me Probably works better than You have a high fade

Wow that's really cool That is crazy You got a z in your throat bro That's right I can't jump When I wear my shorts You can see my little nut hair All the way at the bottom

That's cool When I wear my shorts You can see my little nut hair All the way to the bottom Alright Don't just repeat shit that I say Cause like Then it makes me feel bad

That I said it You know Like I say shit And then that's why I repeat it We're doing the pilot for wrong man That's the new pilot I'm producing And I am uh starring in That's like

If you miss me from television No Oh okay Well I'm gonna be Is it for Showtime? It's for Showtime I'm such a big Showtime fan I told you this

I know I just love Showtime I love their programming I was watching Patrick Melrose last night How was that Patrick Melrose I'm excited for it No I'm excited for it

And I love Billions Maybe it comes to the Showtime parties with me I would love to If we get picked up Oh my god please I just want to shake something That's the thing I'm the most excited about right now It would make me so happy

It's an American version of a UK show And we'd love to be involved as well You showed me that pilot like a year or two ago I've been working on trying to get this together for years And I feel like I really helped Get it across the finish line You did And how's that

What did you do He got LASIK You remember that Unrelated So when I shave my pubes I go electric razor And I just go an eight on the pubes themselves So you ever hit

And I just go down to like a point five On the shaft balls Oh so you put a barrier between it It's not just the razor It's not straight razor That scares me too much But like at a point five It's like basically nothing anyway

You ever clip yourself or no I made myself bleed this morning Yeah it happens It bites you It bites you And your scrotum has grooves in it It's not just like a smooth little bowling ball It's got little nips

And those hills get pricked by the little razor blades It was a really nothing bite It's not a nothing bite Because it'll nick ya And it absolutely will snake bite you So what do you do to trim your shit So what I do is I get the same guy that hoses down my asshole Yeah

Yeah so he will sort of put Huge shears He'll put the shaving cream on So now he's a gardener He absolutely is a gardener And then he'll use a lot like a haircut Sort of like stretch the hair out And then trim

So like he just gets He eliminates the sprints And how old did you say he was Eighty We all know how old Jake Don't remind us Do you have a female name Ben We have another question to answer

Do we know where she's from She is from let's say Chicago, Illinois You just made that up Yeah Shallie S-H-A-L-L-E with an accent over it Chalet I like that

Chalet Monet Ooh But it's spelled M-O-N-E-T I know Chalet Monet That's a great name That's a good porn name dude That's a great, god you're obsessed

Do you watch porn today Yes At eleven forty eight I really almost rejected it out of it Before Oh Ben shut up Like yeah actually I did Before or after you shaved your pubes

After Because you wanted to work him out You wanted to see what you were working with I didn't masturbate I just watched it Oh really? Did you do that? Every once in a while

You just watched it just to like What do you mean like a morning talk show Well I knew it I wanted to get KTLA I wanted to go to the post office But it wasn't going to open until eight Of course

So far that's fine So I was like I'll respond to some emails My Yep I just ended up like Anybody else Other people like surf the web

Like you probably read Like a warrior's Just a little recast See what the players are saying I look at the US panel Check out my Instagram or Twitter Or like check my emails At medicad over the night

Not me I wanted I checked out Jake puts on morning glasses I look at I check out the porn aggregator And see if there's anything new There's a website called porn aggregator

No no no There's just a couple websites That I like that aggregate the porn And then you're like Let's just see what's new today It's like news to you What's your site? Oh yeah we talked about this

You're like a red tube guy Or someone right? No no That's too basic for me I've never been a red tube I mean red tube is a mirror I go to veporn.net Or your porn.sexy

Wow Your porn.sexy That's right I go to I go to fuckinbickle.com Do you ever go to Bickle? No I don't think so

Because it's a god damn Russian site Is that true? You have to try Yes I go to these sites That steal full videos From the pay sense What about so if someone stole your videos And didn't give you any money for it

Wouldn't you be pissed off? That happens all the time Do you? It's true Oh god Bickle writes No? treasure

Of course I've been dating my boyfriend for- 짜 da da bagmy Bade sir Bate sir Bade sir Bade sir

That's the throw That's pink elephants It's probably into the simpsons before Just straight up No That's pink elephants That's pink dolphins Got it

That's probably been to The Simpsons before I've probably heard of it. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost four months and neither of us have had the guts to say... You guys didn't answer the other guy's question. Where do you like to write? What makes you more... When do you feel inspired? You just zoomed over.

I was saying it helps to write with a friend. Set a schedule and write with a friend. Okay, what time do you like to write? Or where do you like to write? I read more of a morning. I treat it like a day job. Yeah. You got it.

11 to 5. I think if you want to be serious about this, obviously if you have another job, totally understand, but make some time before after that job starts to treat it like a job. We also don't turn creativity off. Sometimes Amir and I will just text or email each other and we have an idea for this. But when we do, it's like, okay, now we have a leaping off point for tomorrow at work. When you feel yourself going, let yourself go. Whenever I'm on a little roll, let yourself go until you're exhausted.

Writing can be really fun. It can also be incredibly frustrating. Know that all three of us in this room have felt both of those things desperately. That's right. Writing block exists and then getting in a groove exists where you're writing. Also not wanting to write exists. If that happens, give yourself something to be inspired by. Or change your job.

All right. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost... What's his person's name? Don't say Bickel. Chanel Money. Nice. I've been dating my boyfriend for four months now and neither of us have had the guts to say, I love you.

Is that a bad sign? We were friends before we started dating, but we've been serious for a while. Should I just say it? I don't know. That's scary. Help. I actually think this is, this can be scary. Well it's sort of obvious like...

Well, Jake, you never said I love you, right? Oh yeah. Well, I've never loved anybody, so it's fine. I say I love you, do you? Oh yeah. That was fast. That was the first time I ever said it. Oh my God.

That's amazing. I'm crying. Your flaps are flying. My flaps are leaking. I think that if you, if it's, don't say I love you just because it's been four months and you think that's the right thing to do if you're scared, then it sounds like you're not ready to say it. Yeah.

You can take as long or as little as you want. There are norms out there that you feel like you have to follow. You don't have to follow those rules. I would just say it's average-ish. Four months. Four months is late. Or four months is late. Four to six months.

I think you should take it at your own time, but if you feel it, if you're like, oh my, also if you're too young and you're like, not too young, if you're young and you're like, I think this is what love is, you're going to find that there's different versions of love as you grow up. Would you agree? Yeah. I've written movies about this where it's like there's different versions of love at the beginning.

You sometimes may feel like you're in love, but if you feel it and you want to share it with someone, say it. If you don't feel it, do not say it just because you feel like now is the time. Yeah. Do you think this is a strictly American problem? Do other languages have this thing? I don't know if like- I guess they say I love you in different languages.

But the idea of when to say it seems like such a monumental thing, but I don't know if that exists in other cultures. Wow. So you're almost saying like there's so much weight to the term here. Yeah. Like in Hebrew- Because the actual word love. In Hebrew, like and love is the same word.

So there's no like, I like you. What's the word? Ohev. I need to say I love you. I need to say I love you. I need to say I love you. And would it be the same exact way as I like you? Yes.

I need to say I love you. And like in Spanish you would say Te Amo. And that means I like you. No, that means I love you. Te Amo. But like is that like a moment for 20s things in different cultures? Te Amo. Well think about this.

When you look at all these like passionate movies, whatever, you'll still see that moment of like I love you or something like that. Yeah. I think it's a big moment. But like that can happen quickly in let's say Italy where people say that after the first day. Well let's ask them. So Amir's email, if you have the answer for this is-

No, you don't have to say my email. You can just tweet at me. Here he comes. Amir at Gmail. No, no, just tweet it at Jake and Amir. Okay. It feels like a declaration of love is always a moment. Because it's like a point where you're vulnerable in front of somebody.

And by the way, you can be scared by it. Of course you can be scared by it and you can be unsure by it. I feel like as you get older and you feel it more times, it'll be easier to do. I've also, I would hold off on saying I love you quite a bit because it feels like such a big thing. A, that was half me putting it on myself. But B, then I allowed myself with my friends like I'll tell Jake and Amir, I love them. Amir's a little bit harder to say I love you back but Jake will always say it.

If you feel like you love your friends, it doesn't mean you're in love with them. I say that more also. But did you grow up in a house where you say I love you at the end of every conversation with your parents? I don't think so. Do you go buy I love you at the end of like a phone call with your dad or mom? I don't know. I talk to my dad and mom so often.

I don't know. Did you forget to put the card in? Oh, is that an issue? I don't know. I think I love you just as big in terms of relationship because it's a step. You're taking a step. Have you ever said I love you and not meant it? I'm sure when I was in high school, I said I love you back.

I wouldn't have said it first because I didn't know what to do but that's also when I was a little kid. What about this thing? Although maybe I haven't. I'm pretty good about it. I also don't like lying to people or I don't say I promise either. I don't like saying I promise because there was a chance that I cannot pull it off or whatever.

I'll be there. Promise us something right now. I promise I'm going to be sitting on this couch in two seconds. You're standing up. He's standing up. You're a fucking liar. You're fucking left through. Is there anything to the guy has to say at first?

That seems to be a generally agreed upon thing. Oh really? Yeah. I don't think that's a case. I think anybody could say it. Also you kind of feel it. If you feel it, you shouldn't hold back unless you think it's going to scare the person away. I think if you feel it after one day, you've got to take societal norms into it a little

bit. You don't want to blur it out. I love you at the end of your first day. Yes. I agree because you may feel it immediately but then tell them later on, I felt this since day two when we went to see Venom and Tom Hardy was just so cool. I love Tom Hardy and you. Yeah.

And you. You could do that if you feel uncomfortable. Say I love Tom Hardy and you. How are the gym sessions that you've been doing recently going, Ben? Gym sessions? You like going to the gym? Oh, I've been rapping. We're calling it the gym sessions.

Yeah. I like to get into the gym. I call it like where I work out. That's cool. Yeah. So if you give me any word, I can kind of rhyme off it. Okay. Curling.

Here I go. Curling with the burling. Nice. So something like that. What's burling? You said curling with the burling. The one rhyme you did. You have any other ones?

Yeah, sure. Go hit it. Forced. Forced. I'm giving you easy ones. Forced. Forced. Myself to be the best because I'm forced.

Okay. So what's forced? Huh? Every time the rhyme is the part that. Forced. Give me a word. You're not listening. You forced.

You made up a word and it still didn't rhyme. Oh, go. Any word? Barbell. You know, well, you could have just ended it. Let me ask you guys a question. Okay. When you think about yourselves and what you want to accomplish, what's the end goal for

you? Is there an end goal? Cash. Do you guys want your, no, it's not cash. Okay. Do you guys want your own TV show? Money. No, it's not money.

Sorry. Do you want a movie? What do you want to do? What makes you, what most excites you now that you've done a billion episodes of this? Fortune. You've done a hundred, a thousand web videos. Fortune. Not money.

Is there, what really drives you? I think your listeners would want to know if there's like a next big thing, what do you think that big thing is? I want to be a billionaire. You want, Amir's looking for acorns at the end of the day. In my head, he's got to be looking for goddamn acorns. What he wants is like, I don't need acorns. He's putting his puppy goddamn cheeks.

I don't need acorns. Yeah, you're a goddamn chipmunk. No. And you know that for a goddamn effect. He wants to hide in a tree. I'm telling you, I want money. Yeah, money. Money.

Money in a tree maybe. I think you want to, yeah, you just want a big tree. If there was money in a tree, would you go up and get it? Yes. Would you scurry up and get it? I would. I'm not necessarily scurry. And do you have a bushy little tail?

No, I do not have a bushy little tail. Do you have a tail? No, I do not have a tail. What do you have next to your butt? I have a little bushy little tail bone. That's a bushy tail. That's a tail. I have a tail bone.

Is there hair on it? Yes. Yeah, it's fur. You got a bushy tail? Yes. But I'm not a chipmunk. What do you want to do? What's your next thing?

I think I would love to have a TV show. Would it be like Lonely and Horny or what would it be? Yeah. Something like Lonely and Horny would be my ideal. Something where like I was more... Directly directed those by the way. Yeah. I would rather direct.

I'd love to direct Amir and something and... But you don't want to act anymore? I don't mind acting. I like it. But that's probably what makes me the most excited is writing something and directing something but also specifically with Amir in it because I think I get such a kick out of them. Yeah.

You're the one. Yeah. I like the idea of like Amir being one. The one guy that gets a kick out of Amir. Yeah. That's true. I'm the only guy that likes you man. That's not true.

Let's raise our hands. Raise your hand if you like Amir. I'm raising my hand. Jake's raising his hand. You don't get to vote on yourself. All right. Fine. Where was my hand?

Ben. About what? Hook me up. Ready? Ask again. Hook me up. Ask again. You're asking him to raise his hand?

Ask again. Ask again. Ask again. Who in this room likes Amir? Raise your hand. Ben, help me. I'm not going to help you out. All right.

Just me. That's kind of cool. That is kind of cool. Hey man, if I want to do a movie with you instead of, but it would mean that you can never do movies in Amir. I want to do one movie with you, but it means you can never work with Amir again. Would you do it? Let me answer this.

In a heartbeat. In a heartbeat. It's a big old hell no from Jake. I got this one, Jake. Jake said in a heartbeat. Jake feels bad answering, but I'll answer for him. Ben is an actual, like, bonafide celebrity. To the, no.

And he's actually a little offended, yes. You're a nobody. The only reason I want to make shit with Amir is because he's the last guy on Earth that would say yes. He's a little sad. If I got your ear, I have a script. I have a script. It's the whole reason he couldn't answer.

The whole reason he couldn't answer is because he's. He'd never be able to play this part. He's bad. Only you could do it. That you even proposed such a question. Amir's a fucking. How dare you. He's a chipmunk.

Why would I make a movie with a chipmunk? To ask that question. To put him in a position for him to stand there silently staring at you wondering how to politely tell you what you deserve to know, which is, fuck, no, he wouldn't accept that offer. In a goddamn heartbeat, Ben, and I, and I appreciate the opportunity. He's doing, he's saying that cause he feels bad for you. I had to swallow my water. Sorry about that.

Good stuff. So you're in? Yeah. Totally. Wow. And what do you want to do Amir? Get cash? I like to make money, get turnt.

I like to make money, get turnt. I like to make money, get turnt. So what I want to do is be a billionaire who just is fucked up all the time. Night school. It's a movie I did with Kevin Hart and Tiffany Haddish. I don't have that big of a role in it, but I think it's really funny. I hope it's really funny. It comes out in September.

I did a movie with Billy Crystal that hopefully will be out. Did you shoot like nine movies last year? What are all these credits? By the way, this is going to sound like I'm bragging. I'm not trying to, but I have seven movies coming out this year. No, what sounded like you were bragging is the fact that every, every silence you started battling off the credit. It's funny when I think about it.

I'm also on a TV show called Metal of Honor. What TV show is that? It's an Netflix show. You shot seven movies in a TV show last year? And I did Modern Family this year. And I sold a book in a TV show and then set up a different TV show. Jesus. But can I tell you?

Me and Amir were busy too. We had a half sold show in Calgary. Hey, we wrote a movie together. Three of us wrote a movie together. It's not doing much, but we wrote a movie together. How did you have time to do that with us? Because that was an honor for us, the fact that you squeezed us into your schedule. We did make it work.

There was a busy schedule for all three of us, by the way. All three of us were working hard that time. Yeah, but I don't think I was doing anything important. You were like shooting a movie with Billy Crystal and I went on a road trip with my brother or something. How is your brother? He's good. But now I resent him. Why?

Because I should have been doing movies and instead I was just hanging out with his ass. I wonder if that movie will get made. I think it's funny enough. I think it might. Our movie? Yeah. Yeah, dude. It's going to get made.

It looks like we'll fucking crowdfund it. Really? I don't know. Maybe we could just ask everybody that listens to this podcast to give us $5 million. Yeah, it's going to be too expensive. Yeah, it has to be $5 million. I feel like that. I bet we could make it for less.

Maybe not. Per person? How much merch did you guys sell that you have so much in here? Not a lot, clearly. Oh, that's what I want to talk about. This is the actual plug. I came in to talk about my podcast, but also to talk about Middleteen Schwartz going on tour. Whoa.

So we are going on tour. When does this come out, this podcast? Let's say June 4th. And we have merchandise available. For the first time ever, Middleteen Schwartz is merchandise. We have three different shirts, a sweatshirt. We have socks. Whoa.

We have a sticker combo. Can I get Middleteen Schwartz socks? Yes, and it has our faces on it. It's kind of cool. I want to see this. I'll show you. I have a picture of it. Do you have a website?

Yes, MiddleteenSchartz.com, and you click on merch. It's right there on the front thing. I'm in. We're excited by it, man. And we're touring. There's no tickets left outside of Boston. We added a second show, so there's tickets at the Wilbur, which is a nice 1,000-plus-person theater.

Holy shit. But we're doing it, man. We're doing Vancouver than Portland, but this will be out after that. We did the Ryman Auditorium. We're doing New York. We're doing Philly. We're going to come back to New York in a very special way, hopefully, because everybody is so cool, and we sold out in six hours.

Oh, my God. We sold 1,600 tickets in six hours. That's insane. Well, not that you need our support, but we've seen your show, and it's incredibly fun. When are the dates? Go on MiddleteenSchartz.com. It's all there at the end of June. So the ones that are available is a second Boston show at the end of June, and then the

other stuff will have already been through. But I want to know the New York one for my personal town hall. I'm not quite certain it's at the end of June. Fine. I'll be there. Good man. Are you going to be there? I'm going to be in New York at the end of June.

Oh, God. Maybe we hang out if I'm still there. Hey, I might have a little barbecue with my family if you want to come. Oh, really? Yeah. Sweet. I'm going to be there the whole... Near the 4th of July, you're going to be there for them or no?

Yeah, I am. I might be there, too. Yeah. I might... If Jake is more at capacity, are you definitely coming? I'm definitely going to be there. He doesn't know that he's definitely coming. I am definitely coming.

That's great. Because I'm going to be in Rye, which I think is really close to your parents, right? I mean, it's not far, but... I can give him a ride if there's a spot, but if there's not... Not for me, and can you mute his ears real quick? Sure. Are they muted? Yeah.

For me, I'm rather not. I can hear. Obviously. He's at the barbecue. I can hear this. It's going to be all about me. Don't say anything. I'll tell him that my car is full.

Oh, Mir, my car is full anyway, so I actually can't give you a ride. Wait, put his ears back on. Headphones. They never went off. Headphones. I'll back you up. Put it off for a second. Yeah, I can't.

So that part was definitely on. Make up a lie? Yeah. I have to turn his headphones on. I'm the only one off your arm. Make up a lie, and then I'll piggyback on that. I will get your back. Sweet.

Just make it believable. Yeah. Make up a lie, and I'll piggyback. I can't come because I have to help my brother move that weekend. Make up a lie, and I'll piggyback. Oh, crap. Because your brother's moving. Yeah.

Make up a lie, and I'll piggyback. Oh, all right. That's a bummer. That fills my car. I heard you say make up a lie, and I'll piggyback. That's a bummer. That's too bad. But I've heard you say that.

You'll be able to make it? I'm going to be able to make it. It's such a bummer. We are at capacity, though. I want to come. There's capacity at my parents' house. I heard you say make up a lie, and I'll piggyback. So, by the way, where's your brother moving in?

Memphis? I'm going to turn the headphones off. I'm going to turn the headphones off. Yeah. I don't know where. He didn't turn it off. I don't know what now. We don't know much about it.

Just make it quick and don't do details. I think he's going to move to fucking Tennessee. No, Memphis. He has a new job in. Memphis in Tennessee. Make it quick, he said. He has a new job in Tennessee, and he's going to be a dentist. Oh, man.

We should visit him in Memphis, all three of us, maybe. I'd be down to do that. Oh, we can't. Yeah. It's a bummer. My car only seats two. That's a bummer. Make up a lie, and I'll piggyback is what you said.

Give me a beef bowl and eat bok choy. I want to get lost in the soft and soy and eat all day. I'm going to eat all day. Yeah. Give me something and over so. You never remember your part. That was one of my favorite videos. I was so sad.

I wasn't involved. I remember you were at that time. You told me afterwards. You were disappointed that you weren't in the contest videos. Yeah, because you guys started doing them when I was away. Why did we start doing it without you? Because you would come into town and be like, let's shoot a Jake and a mirror. But there was like a time, I think, when I was living in LA, so I wasn't in the office

and you guys, all right, let's make, let's do these videos without Jake. That makes sense. And I do remember really enjoying it. I do remember being like, we should do more of these, Amir. They were really fun. They were really fun. Yeah, and it really, I thought they were so funny, but it also made me so sad. I was like, why do we even need Jake?

Really? I was like, I love him. Wow. And then I learned quickly why I need Jake. Why is that? Because he's attractive. That's awesome. In addition to people are attractive and that makes it even better, right?

What? For you. Ideally you want both people to be attractive, like you said. Well, ideally you just need one. Ideally you do, but you don't have that. That's right. It's sustainable. That's right.

I mean, I'll take, one is good, but two is better, and I feel like that. Well, you're ugly. Yeah. Wow. That was, that was blunt. That was, you hit it on the nose. That was more than Frank. That was Larry.

It was more than Frank. Ben, we've gotten to the end of the show. Is there anything you wanted to promote? Yes. Finally. MiddletonSchwards.com. That's the big one. Check out merchandise.

It's our first time selling merchandise. I'm also thinking, I don't know. I keep thinking about it. I never do. I want to do a t-shirt store on my own where like a bunch of money goes to charity. That's nice. That'd be nice. I got to get motivated to do that.

I really want to do that. It's just a, I haven't had free time to set up, but MiddletonSchwards.com. We're selling shirts. We have a tech shirt. We have a portrait shirt. We have a stage shirt. We have a sweatshirt. We have socks.

We have pins and buttons. Where do you run the store at? Shopify? That's where it is. Great. Do you know about Shopify? I'm setting up a shop myself. Are you really?

Yeah, from my other podcast. Which other podcast? Herwitsch and Middletich. Herwitsch and Schwartz. Oh, I love that. And then go, and then what was it? Oh, and the wine podcast. It's called The Wine Down.

It's on all the places right now. We've done seven episodes. We were on the news and noteworthy. We were on the top podcast thing. We lucked out that people are listening to it. But if you are a fan of this show, my hope is you'd be a fan of that one because it's the three of us being idiots

but next to like a sincere expert. Yeah. Someone who's put in their 10,000 hours in their field. Check out our episodes and make us look good to the wine people. We did the chipmunk though. Oh, yeah, that's true. Even if you want to just support

Jake and Amir's episodes, the wine guys will be really excited. Exactly. Maybe we'll host season two. We had a good time. What? No, come on. I'm just saying.

We had a really good time and Gallow and all those guys were so cool about it. So I hope to do more. And thank you for coming on our show. I mean, I got more time. Do you guys want to hang out a little bit? We got to go shoot. It's 12.08.

If you're listening to this, the week of June 4th, Jake and Aaron Europe were in Amsterdam on Monday June 4th. And guess who's going to be with them, baby? Oh my God. Come on. I have my own chores I got to do unfortunately.

Okay. And then we're going to be in Dublin on June 10th. Oh, well, now we're talking. Okay. You did a show last time. Can't make it. I did last time do the O2 Chef Field. What was it called?

Shepherd's Bay. Shepherd's Bay. Wait, did two Dublin shows with us? Yeah. That was that. And we're also going to London June 6th, but that show is sold out. Oh, cool.

Yeah. That'll be a good show. London seems awesome. Yeah, it's a fun city. I wonder when is that show? June 6th. June 6th. Oh, so you're going,

you're doing a whole European vacation. We're going to Amsterdam, London, Dublin this week. So come check us out, jakedamere.com for tickets. Oh my God. All right. We got to go.

Thank you for coming by. The wind down, middle edition, Schwartz, and about nine other projects to check out. Oh, do you mind if I plug some stuff? Oh, yeah. As long as we're here.

Ducktales, Team Union Turtles. These are just cartoons you liked growing up. Yeah. It's just like IMDB me or Google me and see what, oh, go to rejectedjokes.com. Oh, I just revamped my website. There we go.

There you go. The last plug. All the old stuff I've ever done on my website is now there in a new fashion where you can see it and it's easily to see. So you can see this cheating video. You can see all the old stuff. You can see all my stuff with Jake and Amir.

Wow. Even outtake videos I have up there. Wow. So the website I've been running by myself for the past like two decades. You can, it's new and Same name.

Thank you to Stella and Katelyn for making it look beautiful. The opening theme song again was Justin Goncalves. This closing one is by Nick. If you have your own theme songs or questions, send them all to ifiroshowatgmail.com. We'll be back next week. Bye-bye. Thanks for having me guys.

Peace. There's a show wholesome and true. It's called if I were you. It's an advice podcast hosted by two Jews. If I were you, here's what I'd do. I'd email if I were you, show at gmail.com. That was a hate gum podcast.