If I Were You - 336: Spanking (Live in London!)

Episode Date: June 25, 2018

In this episode we discuss natural disasters, horny mothers, and Australian Vloggers live at the Leicester Square Theatre in London!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. All right. Wow. Really milking it. I love it. Nice. Good man. Into the audience. Hey, London, how's it going? Hell yeah. Me too. Me too.

All right. Yeah. Oh, love it here. What? I freaking love it here. It's a bad Australian accent. Oh, is it? Like, I don't even realize it anymore. I'm just like, God, being here is just like, aces mate. I have to realize that that's not how you talk all the time.

Oh, I didn't even get that until like, I got here and like, these are my peep. Did you think that's a slings? I like, I grew up like, all around like, likes the square area. Like, I'm kind of like, a fashion blogger. This is the wrong accent. I have like, a vlog. And like, I give like advice on like, which guys to hook up with or whatever. Then that's not a fashion blog.

Right? Yeah. And I was right chuffed about it. And growing up, I was a selfie guy. Yeah, you guys have been there. And I, what else? Nothing else. What else?

What are you doing? Huh? You're talking about your fashion vlog where you tell people what guy to talk about? I'm kind of like a fashion blogger. You already said that and you're lying. Right, right, right. This is insane. I had no idea you were going to do this.

All right. This is my real voice. Are you happy? Go back. The other one was way cooler. Right? Yeah. How are you guys doing?

Great. I'm actually not a shit mom. But that's a very common, wild misconception. I just think it's amazing that you guys would open your borders, open your arms for this lowly little Hebrew chipmunk to come into your country. And I also would think that would be incredible if they had done that. Honestly. I am a human like you standing up.

Chippy the chipmunk? I thought it was really cool when you did the Australian fashion blogger thing. I think that was really next level for a chipmunk to even go to subvert that. It was me. It was really cool. I'm a human. I'm a human. Look at me.

I obviously, I guess, slightly resemble a chipmunk. That wouldn't mean that I am a chipmunk. Where did you get glasses to fit your tiny little chipmunk eyes? Where did you even see an optometrist that was like, sure, a chipmunk? I'll let you sit in the chair. What letter is this? I saw Jonathan Macy and Beverly Hills, who's an optometrist for humans. And I got my glasses.

Did you pay him? What did you pay him with? Dollars. No, not acorns. Not acorns. Really? Because even if I were a chipmunk, I wouldn't pay any corn. You wouldn't know what a dollar is.

Yeah, no, I do. I actually know what corn. I went, fuck. All right. Here's the deal. My mom is a chipmunk. My father, however, is also a chipmunk. Yes.

Right. But what? I guess being human is a recessive gene. I am still half human, half monkey. Let's let him go on thinking that, actually. Of the chip variety. Cool. Why don't we answer some questions together?

How about that? Okay. Let's take a seat. Actually, this first question comes from a 13-year-old. Crandis? Crandis! Solid name. This is just not going to be my...

All right, go ahead. You read it. I'll figure this out. Okay. Crandis writes. As you guys know, this is a real email from a real person, just giving him a fake name to preserve his anonymity. Crandis writes,

I'm 13 and my previously divorced mother... Mother? Mother! Oh, mother. My previously divorced mother recently married a new guy. He's a good dude and a nice addition to the family. Here's where the problem comes in. I share a room with my younger brother.

Brother? And I sleep on the top of the bunk beds. That puts me right next to the ceiling, or approximately three and a half feet below where my new parents have sex. Huh? Yeah. Nothing's hotter than that.

Your mom getting railed out by a guy named Greg. They never said his name. All stepdads are Greg. When I hear the bed springs, it wakes me up. My dick gets real hard and I can't... Confused puberty, Kanye. And I can't fall asleep. What's happening to me, mom?

When I hear the bed springs, it wakes me up. My dick gets real hard and I can't fall asleep, even though I have school in a few hours. So naturally, you'd think I'd rub one out real quick and fall back asleep. But due to the many internet restrictions, it is impossible for me to access porn at 3 a.m. So my only option...

is to jerk it to my mother's faint moaning. No way is that the only option. Which makes me incredibly ill. That's right, mom, I am coming. Damn it. To avoid this, I have recently started to sleep on the couch in our basement. But my mom has made it clear that if I keep sleeping on the couch,

I will get grounded. What should I do? It doesn't matter if I wink it before bed, because I'm 13 and that's how puberty works. I'm starting to think my only option is to rip my dick off. That's the second option. And spend the next six years in the hospital. Help! Love Crandis. Let's give it up for Crandis.

Okay. Sand stand. Cool. Yeah, I didn't want to block even a sliver of my body. That's... Yeah, because it's a tiny little chipmunk body. It's actually not. It's a 5'11'' human body. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I don't even have to clarify this.

I'm so obviously human. This guy is three and a half feet away from his mom fucking. Oh. And because it's the top bunk, he just sees the fucking ceiling vibrate. Like the peltail heart. Yeah. Dust from the popcorn kernel ceiling

just falling onto this barcotted cheese. That stucco dust. Like cum falling in his open mouth. Oh, Greg! Oh, Greg! Bouncier, mother. I was not doing the guy getting fucked by his mom. Oh. Right.

Where is your advice trending? I'm just worried that if her perverted way of grounding him is to actually push him higher to the ceiling, which is where this is trended. So it's like, he has the top bunk, then they like put some mattresses under his mat... Or, yeah, like mattress under his mattress,

pushing him closer, then some books, then another thing, and then pretty soon his face is just smeared up against the ceiling, feeling his mom. Oh, oh, Greg. If you're a bad enough boy, you have to sleep under mommy's bed. Yeah.

And then the springs are just actually fucking you. Oh, that's good. How about a fleshlight in between his dick and the roof? So with every thrust, he's sort of getting off hands-free. Stepdaddy Greg is fucking you now, Brandon. That's right. Your mom in the fleshlight acting as a condom.

So when you guys don't... Cut your dick off. When you tell tale of this show, just remember that Amir said you wear your mom as a condom at one point. But it made sense on the day. Not really. Is anybody here dragged by a friend

who didn't know what the fuck was supposed to happen tonight? Yeah. And so far, has this show been normal? Is it good to you to have me yell in Australia and talk about how good I am and then fucking your own mother? Did you pay for the ticket? Do you dislike your friend now?

Oh, my God. Even worse. Is there related forever? Uh, so he... So right now, he's grounded if he sleeps on the couch. Right? That's right. But I bet if he says,

I was actually sleeping on the couch, mother, because I heard you getting railed out. And I couldn't contain myself, and I had to nut. Have I grounded now, mom? Or can I sleep in the basement forever? You sleep outside. You gotta smoke a cigarette while talking to your mom like that.

Like, you're a concerned parent who waited up late for its child to walk home. Only at six in the morning. And you can say stuff like, I was worried sick. Wait, why? Greg and I were worried sick about you. This is the kid and Greg to the mom?

That's right. It took you 23 minutes to come last night, mother. Ask me how I know. What if you just switched beds with your brother? Switched beds with your brother. I've already got my dick off. A six-year punishment, he says. Yeah, what hospital takes six years to put back on the penis?

Feels like that's just a matter... That's like a couple weeks max. And maybe it's years and years of emotional therapy because you've pulled off your penis so you probably have some psychological stuff to work out. I don't think they can reattach that kind of stuff. Really? I think they can give you a monkey's heart as a dick.

Oh, I can upgrade to a gorilla dick, though. Wait, your dick could get reattached. And you're saying that from what point of professionalism? I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor. I'm a comedian now, but I went to medical school. I went to Yale University. It's a very prestigious American university.

And what class is it where they told you you can put a little dick back onto your severed penis body? It's not medicine. That was the medicine school. Medicine 101, baby. Medicine class. Welcome to Medicine 101. Let's get into it.

Page one. It wasn't page one. You can reattach your dick. Page two. I learned a lot of shit, so I don't know exactly what page the dick reattachment should be. It's like what the common cold is. Yeah, like how certain medicines work.

So if your dick falls off, they can just sort of reattach it. They sew it back on, put it on ice. After they sew it back on? Yes. Are you a doctor? Does anybody hear a doctor? That makes sense. Smart people don't care for us.

Of course. Of course. The dummies do. Yeah, we did the mom as a condom thing. Oh, we helped this guy. Yeah. Tell your mom that you're sleeping in the basement because it's how loud she gets fucked.

And then she'll be like, you can sleep in there forever. Actually, take my room. I'll sleep in the basement. I'm grounded. Or earplugs. Oh, earplugs works. Yeah.

It's got a female name. Lebron Chipmunk. Largis. Lebron Chipmunk octopus. Muhammad. We already have three names. Yeah, Muhammad's that name. Huh?

I don't know. I don't know. You're right. You don't know. That guy's a doctor. Trying to be. Yeah, he's a doctor. That guy's a doctor.

All right, Lebron Chipmunk, octopus, Mohammed, the fourth. Sorry about that, the third, you're right. I'm a long-time listener, second-time writer, I'm a British lady. Maybe she's a vlogger. That would be a right coincidence. You have to blink. Just please blink. I'm a British lady currently residing in Japan

and I have a problem with some work dynamic. Basically, I work for a small family business. They have a nine-year-old queen diva bitch for a daughter. She's a tyrant and no one likes her. Even me. Sounds like especially you. She stopped going to school because she was traumatized by an earthquake. It's been ten months.

Go up bitch, you're nine. You're not eight. No other child in her school was affected. We use an iPad for checkout and this small little she-devil takes the thing as her own for large portions of the day to watch YouTube and yells at all the staff, especially her mother. And they all listen to her.

My co-worker William had to be a chicken for a day. At her BS. Tell me what you fuck. Meanwhile, I can't get this troll to clean up after herself or talk in a non-shouting tone. One time, I managed to trick her into vacuuming up crumbs she left all over the floor by asking her if she knew how the vacuum worked.

When she realized she was fooled, she got super mad and threatened to fire me. Which she has the authority to do. That's what it says. Worst part of all, this little queen bitch could actually do it if she wanted. Are you sure she's a nine-year-old?

Maybe she's just a small woman. Yeah. I've been to Japan. Oh, come on. What? You haven't said one woke thing since you got here. This is a safe space here and everywhere on the internet. What can I do?

She writes, this child needs discipline and I don't know how to do it. What would you do in my situation? Please give me your advice. Hermione, I have a question. What would you do in my situation? Please give me your advice. Or maybe just a bit of comedy

to help me get through each and every day. Love, LeBron, Chipmunk Octopus, Muhammad the Third. Nice. Cheers. Have you ever encountered a bratty nine-year-old? No. Yes.

Yes. But not to this extent. Not anybody telling me I had to be a chicken. I wouldn't have that at all. Maybe a rooster at worst. Bagoc, bagoc bitch. Yeah. It's hard to, it's hard to recommend a nine-year-old

that's not yours. Remember the show, The Slap? It was about this dad slapping a child that wasn't his. Right. Do you think this nine-year-old needs a spanking? Are you a spanking guy? Try lightly here, Blumenfeld. You are advocating beating the child.

I've never been spanked. You've never been spanked? What about like in a sexual way? Oh, in a sexual way. No, but I have had someone pop a zit on my buttocks. In a sexual way? Absolutely so. Someone has delivered an ass facial to me.

That's actually part two of my vlog. Only on Pornhub? Is Britain like a spanking country at all? Was it ever? Cool. You can't do that shit anymore. You can't poll the audience anymore. Of course they got it.

You can't do that shit anymore. You can't do that shit anymore. You can't do that shit anymore. Of course they got spanked. Look at them. You pulled them earlier to see if they thought you were more American. You pulled them for your needs all the time. Yeah, but that's okay.

Okay. Yeah, but it seems like that's been falling out of favor, which is not what we're trying to suggest. You shouldn't spank somebody else's nine-year-old daughter. Definitely. Unless she really asks for it. Yeah. If she's like really asking for the spanking.

You can... No, you don't... Hey, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. And there's a whole bunch of weird little British security guard guys. They're all eight-year-old boys. With tiny billy clubs. Were you spanked?

No. Yeah, sort of. My parents would never... I don't think I was ever really spanked except for maybe once or twice, but that once or twice was enough that every other time, my parents were like, we're going to spank you. I was like, I'll behave.

I was more of a, we're going to send you away to Camp Kit. Oh, I see. Yeah. Idle threats got me to stay in there. And the threats were just eight-week summer camps where you could river raft, go to do arts and crafts and just...

I would really hate to be away from mother for the summer. So it's like a nice little utopia for toddlers and tweens. Not for Jakey. No. If I can't be in the kitchen with my mom, I don't know what summer is all about. We're going to send you to a place where you'll learn guitar. Please, mother!

Campfires, you'll make s'mores, perhaps... I just want to watch TV in the living room while you make cookies, mama. Yeah, it is spanking as weird. Why choose to slap kids there? Anyway, I don't have any children, so... That's not for me to decide yet. I know what to do with this kid, though. Oh.

Yeah, because you're welcome, because you had no idea, right? Yeah, I don't know exactly what to do. I don't know exactly what to do with it or something. No, no, no, no. You fucking fake earthquake. Oh! That's right. You, one day, everybody is gone.

Yeah, you can applause. That's correct. That is correct. You just start shaking shit. Oh, shit! Oh, no, what's that? Todd, you're earthquake here! It's the big one!

We're all going to die! Especially you! God take her first! And then she's gonna go back to school. Why? Because then that makes her more scared. No, you say the earthquakes are only there in the store. She's nine.

She doesn't know about fucking tectonic plates. God, I can't wait to lie to my kids. Oh, yeah. They have to believe you, because they have no frame of reference. Lying's better than spanking. Well, I'll do both. I'll, like, be like...

There's nine continents. Pens and pencils are interchangeable. You can use either one. It's fine. Paper's not really made from trees. And that never happened! Daddy never slapped you! Will you marry me?

Knowing full well that that's how I intend to raise my kid. Who are you talking to? A proverbial woman of my life. She's eight foot four. Having just... Hot, but so hot. I think we helped. All right, good man.

Good work. Thank you for that. You're welcome. Yes, no, we already... We gave them that one. Remember, that was the last person's last name. Save it for the Q&A. Is stag like a bachelor party?

Very cool. See, my dad never told me that while he spanked me. He was like, bachelor party is what they're called worldwide. And now my ass is sore and my brain is dumb. So specific for your dad to do that. Yeah. Actually, that's my Tinder bio. We need a Swedish man's name.

Chef? Swedish chef. That's pretty good. What is it? Chef, because it's a Swedish chef. Oh. Yeah, I guess. Go ahead.

Man George. That's good too. Yes, yeah, sore Muhammad. We heard you the first time. We also used the name. Chef Man George, Muhammad. The third. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Why not just go by junior at that point? Yeah. Yeah. It's nice. People don't usually clap at my witty comebacks. But they should. Yeah. Well, now they're going to not because you say stuff like that.

I deserve it. All right. And I ask for it. What a bad attitude. And I earn it. And it's good. Nice. That wasn't one.

That wasn't one. That wasn't one. I love that. The undeserved ones mean more to me. Anyway. Ship's ahoy, Jake and Amir. I'm in a bit of a pickle at the moment, and it all started after a rough night out

in the Swedish hometown of Gothenburg. Here's where the tale is to be told. We started off calm and nice with a whiskey and a beer at one of the roots. What is the accent? Why is it creeping back? It's not Swedish.

I'm Swedish. And a vloga. Kragadaga. We started off calm and nice with a whiskey and a beer at one of the rooftops in town and quickly decided to get slushed with some sake at another establishment. Long story short, at 3.15 in the morning,

we decided to go to a nightclub just to finish the night in good spirits. Oh. No. Also nice. Finished the club in good night and good spirits in a happy manner. After a while, this horde of girls

started to stare at us and came over and asked for our autographs for reasons... Yeah! For reasons unknown. We said all right and signed a napkin and spat on it and kept downing these tricks. In the Swedish fashion.

All a Swedish mode, of course. After a while, they sat down around us and started chatting away and wanted to after-party. As we were hammered, this was a great idea. And my apartment is 20 steps away from High Street here in Gothenburg. So we invited them to my place for some cock tails.

Nice. And of course, some barbecue at my terrace. Sweden's so weird. Barbecue at 5 a.m. After a while, a girl started rubbing my dick with her hand. Yeah! Man, this girl was smoking hot

and I could not understand why she was... Wow, this is weird. Why she would be into someone like me. I'm a sweaty chef. You're under question. You're from Gothenburg. Cheers and toe out of that. I invited her to my chambers

and we started going in the right direction. After a while, she screamed, stick it in my ass. And I thought, nah. And I thought, alright, alright, alright. McConaughey, nice. I pumped it for a while and she fucking launched off my dick

in the direction of my pillows and shit all over my stomach. And my thighs and my linen. And these started just wanting to go back for a barbecue. I just wanted ribs. At this stage, I'm so shocked that I stare at her in the face

and say, okay? She answers that that was her. That was a good fuck. Can't she see that I'm covered in her manure and shaking and trying to hold back my puke? I called my cleaners, threw away the linen and got to new bed the next day. Probably had an Ikea.

Now a week later, she's been calling me and ringing my doorbell every night. She sends me texts and asks me my portier to let her into my apartment. I guess that's a doorman, of sorts. A portier, of course. Of course, yeah. Does she really think I want to meet her again

after being her personal shit shield? What should I do? Sell my apartment. He already got rid of his bed. Or do I keep on ignoring her like I'm doing right now? I thank you for the advice. Kind regards. Chef.

Total out of chef. So this is a normal night in Sweden. What a tale. Obviously. He unplugged her. Have you ever gotten lint out of your iPhone charger hole? Oh, yeah. Just like using a fingernail to pluck out some hardened cotton?

I used the back of an earring. It just lifted the lint up. Oh, man, huge. So this is like that but with a human body. Where your penis is like the hook that pulls the lint and the lint is the shit that is... So for her, it's the best feeling ever. That's why she said that was a good fuck

and that's why she's talking to the portier and saying, let me into his apartment. I really have to take his shit. Let me off. I've been backed up. I feel like she just didn't know that she took a shit on it. That's impossible not to know. Although if a dick is coming out, who's to say another log or two does?

I think that's sort of it. There's like a firm like five to eight inch rod in you and then like it slides out and then maybe some turns come out too and it's just like who is to say there was just a whole bunch of stuff in your butt that is free. I would be like, was that you or me?

Oh, you shit yourself. Oh, that wasn't me. Oh, it came out all over your knees and linen. Oh, you must move apartments. You even got some along my asshole. It's still coming out of me, you little deviant bitch. You shit out your penis into me. I mean, how dare you for that?

At least buy me barbecue first, sailor. Do you have to have a sit down with this lady? I can't have you around anymore after what you've done. I think you have one more date. One more date where you don't go to the club, you don't get sloppy, you just take her out for sushi. Oh, sushi. Yeah, you go out, you have a drink,

you maybe do a little sake, a little more hair of the dog and then you have some chili, some turkey chili, or a curry. Well, you don't want to do anything that's going to... Some lamb salg. Actually, let's do another round. And chicken tikka masala. Never let me see the bottom of this bowl.

And a couple shots of espresso to go to settle the stomach. Pickleback, pickleback, pickleback. That's pickle juice and whiskey. More curry, X-lax, Molly, Adderall, Pepto. And then she shits in his bed before he even fucks her. Of course, her system's clean. I think you get one date, a little bit of liquor, and then you ask, you're like,

do you know that you shit on me? And then it sort of clears the air. I'm sorry, am I the only guy that would go on a second date with somebody that shit on him? You went on a second date with someone that peed in your bed. That's quite accurate, actually. So this is like a one-up on that situation. Yeah, and I even think twice about that.

Yeah. But that was a number one. This is a number two. And I would go on two more dates with her. That was a really awful wink. If anyone's listening at home, Jake just winked, and it was amazing. He definitely didn't blink, and then nudged his head to the left.

Actually, you can just turn your head to the side, blink. You all saw it as a wink. I invented a new wink, everybody. And actually, if you go straight ahead, I just winked at you and you. That's a double-wink, bitch. Blink is to wink, as poop is to pee. So it makes sense that you would blink at people,

because you clearly have some sort of Shiza fetish. Look at that shit eating grin. I guess I would move apartments. It sounded extreme at the time, but... Your place has a terrace. And a portier. Who might as well be Sidney Portier. It really might be Sidney Portier.

Imagine, call me Mr. Shit. Very good. Very, very good. Really? Too good. It was lost on them. I'll burp again. And then... Wait a second. Let's take a break as we're gonna thank some sponsors.

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It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. Cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you.

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Thank you, aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional license therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist,

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Thanks, BetterHelp. We had a fun time. We asked and answered and it was just everyone that enjoyed ourselves and we didn't talk about Dave Rosenberg's asshole at all. Which was the best part of the break, I think. Then we got a respite from thinking about it. Just for a little bit. All right, we have a 16-year-old boy.

How about a name from the back? Let's get a back row. LASIK. LASIK. That's actually a cool name. I can see you really, really well. The guy who said that. Is your LASIK fully healed at this point?

Oh, yeah. I'm not even using the drops anymore, man. I can see a little flap there. Yeah, you have to sort of push the flap there. Oh, yeah. I just hold my corny right down. I'm so sad to hear that. That's right.

And it flipped up. It's behind the old eye again. But lefty, this one's good. This one's good still. Fuck. A lot of people tweeted that they were ill listening to that interview. Was anybody here sick into their stomach, as Jake described, burning eyes?

Brits are cool. That's really cool. You guys should try LASIK. Touch your whiskey, man. You just haven't even sipped it. And I think you need to do a shooie. Sip, sip, sip, sip, sip, sip, sip. Guys, all he wants to do is sip.

Sip, sip, sip, sip, sip, sip. That was so gentlemanly, man. Epic. What an epic sip, mate. This is not British. I'm actually friends with a surfer. It's so mildly impressive. LASIK writes,

I'm 16 years old and I have recently started working at a burger restaurant and I am like legit bad at it. Literally everybody there seems like a mixture of anger and pity aimed at my direction at all times. Yesterday I broke a milkshake machine and one of the managers told me that I am one more fuck up away from getting fired. That said, there is one silver lining

in the form of a goddamn smoke show of a colleague. We get along really well and our conversations have been getting increasingly flirtatious. Yesterday I rapped for her and I think she liked it. Okay, this is the broken milkshake freestyle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That said, there is one problem.

She's in a long-term relationship with another colleague and they're both higher up than me in the food chain. How do I convince this slut to cheat on her boyfriend with me? Bear in mind, I don't want to make her my girlfriend as she is one kind of annoying and two, not that hot. You called her a smoke show dime.

Two sentences ago. That being said, I would like to sample the Vaj once just to see what it's like. Just to see what it's like. My problem is, how do I make sure she knows this is a one-time thing? That is not your problem. And stop her in advance for being a clingy bitch. Oh my God.

Love LASIK. LASIK is the man! In America, that's everybody. That guy's the coolest. He broke a milkshake machine. Christ, you guys don't get it out here. Has a girl ever been wrapped to in here as a sign of peacocking or... Yes?

And did it... May I ask if it worked? It was weird, it was bad. Oh, it's still here? Wait, did she's currently on a date with the guy that wrapped for her? Oh, really? Do the wrap! Do the wrap!

Do the wrap! Do the wrap! I guess... Do the wrap! Do the wrap! Do the wrap! He's not... Are you gonna do the wrap? Of course.

Obviously. You know the way you flirted with someone? Do it to 500 strangers. And we'll all sort of critically judge it with an eye towards you being a loser. We did sort of establish up top that it was gonna be bad and lame. And then after to come up and perform, it would take a lot of courage. Stand in the spotlight in front of us.

We're ready to laugh at you. And wrap, something you're probably not good at. Yeah, it's hard to convince someone over with a wrap. Then again, it's hard to convince someone to break up with you. They're boyfriend for you if you're a bad guy. That's actually a really bad idea. Yeah, I mean, no, quit your job. Do something different. Go to school or something?

I don't know. Be a better guy. How does one become better of them? Can you learn to be that way? Volunteer. I think you should actually volunteer. Yeah. And actually, I have a rap song to go with it. Oh, really?

Yeah. All right. Should I provide a beat? No, I'm good. Yeah. I really think you could use one. I don't need one. Let me at least start you off.

Ready? Go ahead. No, fuck it. Cut the beat. Yo, this is the acapella, because I'm an acapella. Nice. Beat. Now bring it back.

Yeah. And now watch the beat drop. Stop. Okay? Relax. Don't fucking do the beat thing again, because that actually really throws me off. Oh, yeah.

You like a milkshake? Well, I'm milkshake. Now beat. Come on. You pleased? Yeah. Yo, you like hamburgers? Beat off.

You have to just fucking feel it. You haven't said anything about volunteering yet. I'm going to get there. You spent most of the rap telling me to start, then stop beatboxing for you. Just get to the fucking point. I was going to say volunteer. How about a volunteer?

And then I was going to chug a beer to a fucking thunderous applause, but you ruined it. Wow. I'm sorry. We're over now, but I want to get to this last question. Do you guys have time for one more question? Hell yeah.

Woo. We love these London shows. Thanks so much for coming out. Thank you. We'll always come back. We'll always come back. Although maybe we should go to Manchester. I love Manchester.

Yeah, I was going to say. No, that's the right reaction to Manchester. We're obviously kidding. We would never go to Manchester. We are going to Dublin though. All right. That's that got some woos. All right.

How about? No, not Muhammad. You're scaring us, Muhammad. What did you say? I appreciate old cop. No. Say it again. Lord.

My fucking girlfriend, man. Yeah. Also, I've been right. We met on Tinder. She is 16. 16. 18. 18, I said.

Oh man. Comes right back. This girl is a bot. What? She's not real. I love you. I love you. Tread lightly.

Fuck her. Solid app. Load. Rights. Hi guys. I'm in quite a predicament. I'm going to school in California, and my girlfriend is going to a college in Hawaii.

If you remember a few months ago, there was a catastrophe in Hawaii, where an alert was sent to everyone, saying that there were missiles incoming. Do you guys hear about that here? Big deal. My girlfriend was in Hawaii when this happened, and specifically she was there in a private tutoring session,

when they got the warning. It was a scary moment, but I was very relieved when I was told it was fake. I hadn't thought about it for a while, until last night when my girlfriend dropped a bomb on me. And then he says pun intended. Very, very good. During those minutes where she thought she was going to die,

she made out with, and got to third base with, her tutor. She told me that she was going, thought she was going to die, so she wanted to have a bit of excitement, before she thought she was going to die. Apparently, after they got the notification it was fake,

they stopped messing around. Should I break up with her? Does thinking that you're going to die, give you car plunge access to cheating on me? What did he say? Car plunge access. To cheating on me. What are your thoughts? Love?

Load. Load. Let's go down for load. Why load? I'm surprised that they only got to third base. Well, they went straight to third. But I mean, still, like, fuck, you were going to die, right?

I question her judgment for other reasons. Oh, I see, so you're okay with the whole, do you consider this cheating if you assume death? Yeah, it's still cheating. For sure. Was death imminent, though? If death was truly imminent. Like if your girlfriend was, sorry, fiance.

Anyway, it was on a hijacked airplane, and it was going down, down, down. You'd let her hook up in the bathroom. I wouldn't, it's not, I don't, yeah, I guess I wouldn't be there to let her or not. I guess, here's what I think about it. It is fine that she did it, but I think it's grounds for expulsion.

I think you're allowed to break up with her. Break up with? Yeah. She thought the world was going to end. This was not a normal circumstance. I totally appreciate that, but I think these, you still, it's still cheating. You think it's right up not cheating?

I think it's the lowest rung of the cheating ladder. But it's on the cheating ladder? Who's saying it's on the cheating ladder? Because you called it a cheating ladder. I think it's more excusable than drunkenly making out with somebody. I agree, but I would break up with somebody if they drunkenly got fingered by somebody. I'm saying getting fingered in these circumstances

is lower than drunkenly making out in a party. No way! Yeah, way. I don't think so. Because you assume you're going to death. And as such. And she was like, no. Let's run for cover.

She was like, no. I have a better idea. Finger me. Yeah. I don't, I just feel like you are on a slippery slope wherein next time she goes to tutor class, the tutor is like, global warming is a real problem. And...

Can I go to second base? Yeah, like, I just, yeah, I don't know. I don't, I think it's danger zone. Yeah, but it's hard because she thought she was going to die and then you're breaking up with her in addition to that. Yeah, but I feel like you could be like, you're not going to die, life's beautiful, you got to third base and I'm not your boyfriend anymore.

Let's take a poll. Who here agrees with Jake? It's grounds for termination. Better than I thought. Who here agrees with me that it's not that bad, she thought she was going to die? I'm going to call that for all her wits, actually. Really, I was going to say the exact opposite.

Really? In fact, I think there's a hurricane outside. Quick, jerk him off. Let's ask one more time, who thinks Amir was right? And who thinks Jake is right and Amir's a chipmunk? Wow, thank you London. Thank you guys so much. Did you have fun tonight?

We very much so appreciate you guys coming out, please. I think we're doing a meet and greet for the first three rosers. So if you got a ticket, stick around. We'll now must say thank you to everyone else. We love you just as much. Good night.