If I Were You - 337: Small Problems

Episode Date: July 2, 2018

In this episode we discuss the little things... social media, self awareness, and credit card information.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

There used to be a lot of problems that plagued me so much, you'd be shocked, I constantly fucked up so much. I remained a hot mess addicted to drugs, but did you know that there's a show where you can email and hear back some advice from these dudes. Yes dude, I compare this advice to a rose on the gray. Ooh, the more I'm listening, the stranger it feels, yeah. And now that bitcoin is up, a mirror won't shut up about this. By yeah, if I were you, show at gmail.com, by yeah, yeah, yeah, email them now. That was lovely. A seal cover, if you can imagine. I can, and I, yeah, that was a recognizable song. No, I meant my, my invention idea is a seal cover. So you know how you go to an ocean and you see like seals, right, and they're like shiny and fine,

but then they're out on the beach, yeah. But then you're out on the beach and it rains and it like gets all on the seals. They're fine being wet. So imagine a vacuum sealed cover for the seals. It's called a vacuum seal cover and the seal is sort of a double entendre because you're a vacuum sealing these, kind of like these majestic sea slugs. So it's not to keep them out of the rain, it seems like to make them suffocate and die. Well, so that's, hold on, let me get to the part. It's not like a rain jacket. They dress that issue. Yes, so they're, they suffocate and die, but the, the. You said I'm going to address that issue. The pros far outweigh the cons. What could the pros possibly be? The look on that little seals face when I finish that seal is one of

sheer terror and to have it forever. So one of the pros to torturing seals is that you enjoy it. Yeah. And to have that. I think that's a con. And to have that face. That makes you a con man. The horror laminated burns an image in your mind's eye. And you see that as a positive. Yes, well, that's in the neutral section. You're a negative. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You kill the seals. It's just an idea. But this seal cover was written by two ladies or performed by two ladies, Madison and Leah or Leia. What do you go, Leia or Leah? How do you spell it? L-E-E-Y-I-A-A-U-H-A. Leia. Leia. No, it's L-E-A-H. Leah. Yes, Leah. All right, Madison, Leah, thank you for writing that seal cover for us. What is this? It's an advice show, if you can imagine, if you can believe it.

It's If I Were You, the only advice show on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake. This is, we are in the middle of summer now. This is going to be a July episode. Wow. Recording late June, releasing in early July. It's hot. You're getting married soon. Yeah, six weeks out. What are you thinking? Have you started looking at weather patterns for upstate? No, I haven't done that yet. Do you mind saying the name of the place you're getting married so people can come if they wanted to? I would hate no. Some people can crash if they want to. I would of course not like to do that. All right, give us two options and then we'll have to guess. It's either Tahoe or Vancouver. No, look, actual places. I want the name of the restaurant bar.

Insane. Okay. Of course not. Because you don't want strangers there. I was lying when I said Tahoe and Vancouver. I was afraid. Are you nervous about it? Are you still feeling confident? Are you counting down the days where the wedding planner is officially on the clock? Our wedding planner is officially on the clock tomorrow. Wow. Which is really, I'm very... You have 400 emails ready to autosend. I'm quite excited to just start fucking forwarding shit. Deal with the silverware, deal with the flowers, here's the walk on music. Well, Jill has been dealing with all of that like keeping track of that shit. I guess one thing that'll be nice as we get closer is like now we're at the part where we're like

getting people's RSVPs back. So we like know who's coming. Do you get any jokesters? Like people like fill it in humorously and they're like, I really need to know the answer though. It's funny that you said like I'm bringing 100 people. Dave, Dave like combined his and Anna's names. So for like a few seconds I didn't know who had RSVP. Classic. But no, nobody's joked about not coming. Right. And have you gotten any RSVP nos? One. Does that mean you're bumping people up? No, because we're deep into the red zone right now already. You over committed. You're an airline offering people $500 not to attend the wedding. Yeah, that's where we're at. So we need the nos. If anything, we've gotten a couple yeses where we're like, oh, fuck. Like my mom said, they were

not going to come. I see on the website, you've devised an auction style system where people can actually bid on not attending the wedding. Yes. It says for $850 ahead, you can attend. You can choose to skip the wedding and still come to the fucking brunch the next day. At a certain point, I start sending people on my honeymoon just so they'll just so they'll miss the wedding. Is the honeymoon right after the wedding? I'm going to do like a mini honeymoon, just like three days somewhere. I don't know where yet. That counts. Then we're going to do a fucking serious honeymoon in December or January. A joke, a mini moon and then a real moon. Yeah, you got to do two moons. And then you do the pre-baby

moon, the baby moon, and the I just had a baby. And the baby's first vacay. A moon. And then it's the first full moon after the baby's born moon. I just want my entire life to be moons from now on. The lunar calendar. That's very Jewish of you. All right, I was looking for questions since we're back from Europe that we could possibly answer on this show. We have somebody helping us out now, which is a huge help. Yeah, how's the email look? Looking organized. Really? Yeah. Gotta love that. Shout out to Jake the Intern. And I thought of a funny theme for this episode would be seemingly inconsequential problems because a lot of people talk about these issues that are the biggest deals of their lives. This time, this person is a little, he's aware as to how not huge

of a deal it is. That's nice. It's good to be self-aware. Yeah, the small problems we'll call it. This is the small problems episode. And this is the first small problem written by, let's give them a small little name. Tim. Tiny Tim. Tiny Tim writes, two of my best friends really love their memes, like an unhealthy amount. So they constantly send them to me. I like memes as much as the next guy, but I don't follow these meme accounts because I get annoyed at them. And they make me waste time looking on my phone at Instagram. So because of this, I never follow the meme accounts. But for some reason, I don't know why these meme accounts are all private. Why would you do that if you want your content to be liked

and shared as much as possible? So my friends send me these memes and I begrudgingly follow them to look at the meme, only to get annoyed bored slash waste time looking at them so I unfollow. Then they send me more memes by these stupid accounts and I have to frickin follow them again. I hate to ask them to keep screenshotting to accommodate. And sometimes if it's a video, I can't watch it at all. We don't live close enough to each other anymore. So this is one of the main ways we contact each other. How can I see these memes and keep my friends without having to clog up my timeline with this bullshit? Thank you. Love. Tim. Tiny Tim. There are three possible answers here. Okay. This is this is a new thing that I'm hearing

about by the way. It's like really famous accounts keeping their shit private so that you have to follow them. Why is that so? So they get their followers up. So a lot of people may be lurking on my account or your account or this meme's account and that doesn't increase your followers. But if you private it and it's like you have to follow me to watch, a lot of people follow and then it forces them to follow you and your numbers go up. Have you ever tried to do that? Just go private for a little bit? I did and I don't remember what happened. But I might tinker with the algorithm again and try it again. I think it works better for meme accounts where people are sending stuff and then you have to follow to open. Because I bet not a lot of people

are just lurking on my page. But if it's like at stupid memes or whatever, then a lot of people are just like, but I bet what happened. Yeah, you tag your friends and you look. Yes, but I bet you're playing right into their hands. What ends up happening is that a lot of people probably follow, view the content, unfollow. So their followers must be going up and down as they post. Yeah, it's definitely an annoying user experience. So first option is make a stand. Just be like, I am not going to look at these things and just try to cure your FOMO. Just don't look at the memes. Yeah, that's true, but that's hard to do. And it's never worth it, and yet you still have to see it. Yeah, well, not me. It's easy for me to ignore that shit.

Somebody sends you a meme, you're just like, whatever. Yeah, because I've almost never ever really liked a meme. What's your favorite meme? I like the guy with the girl and then he's looking at the ex girl that's walking by. Apparently, kid. That's not really a meme. I just really love that video. Yeah, that's that's expanding meme to just mean any like internet phenomenon. I don't think I have like a meme meme that I've liked. Yeah, what about the fry? I don't know if this is happening or if this is happening. The future drama guy. No, I don't like that. What about the Game of Thrones? One does not simply something or other. That one's all right. That one's not Game of Thrones. One does not simply walk into Mordor,

but I guess like that's there's nothing better than that line. One does not simply walk into Mordor. Yeah, but what if it's like one does not simply get a reservation at Dorsey. Yeah, that's a really good meme, actually. Hold on. You're smashing your face into your keyboard. Keith fricking tastes so funny. So I think the other option is to just follow him and like, you know, eat it. Eat it. The last one, and I think the best one, is FinstaGram. Whoa, a fake Insta that lets you follow these memes, but then they'd have to send it to the Finsta. I think that's easier than telling your friends to screenshot shit. Send it to my Finsta. Or if they send you something, you just remember the name of

whoever the meme thing that they're following is and search that on your Finsta. I wonder if you can follow these meme accounts and then block them, but still be able to view the content. Hide them from my timeline. They have that on Facebook. They do. You should be able to do that, but you can't. I've tried because I've followed random things and not wanted to like, you know, like you follow, you spend the day on set and you're like, oh, I'll follow the grip. We're buddies. And then you're like, oh, I don't really want to follow this, but I feel bad unfollowing. Yeah. Like that'd be nice to just be able to hide stuff. Yeah, you want to hide or lurk, basically. So what would you do if you were that person?

I would just not open these memes and I'd find another way to connect to my friends. Yeah. I would follow and then just, you know, not necessarily pay mind to the memes in my timeline. That is you and I boiled down, just distilled to our purest essence. Because you really like the amount of followers that you follow. You don't want that number to be high. You don't want the clutter. I don't like clutter. I don't like, I like streamlined minimalism and you just nothing phases you. Yeah. Like I can follow. I followed somebody by accident like three years ago and I just never unfollowed. Do you still look at their stuff? Do you know how many people you follow? I think it's like 220 or something like that.

227. I follow 227? Yeah. Gotta get that down. I like it at 220 or 222. I follow 12,760. That's pretty high. Yeah. How many do you follow? Only 320. So with all my clutter, it's basically roughly the same amount of people as you. Not basically roughly. It's 100 people more. Yeah. I'm two thirds of you. Yeah. But in the grand scheme of things, we're all under a million. Sure. By a lot. Of course. All right. Those are your options. Choose wisely. All right. What else we got? Oh, another small problem. Small Paul. Small Paul writes, I have a minor annoyance that I don't know how to deal with. I'm a teacher in between classes. Another teacher from a nearby

classroom comes in to talk to me. Every time he comes in, he unknowingly does something that bothers me. Sometimes he messes with my stuff. He moves my things a little bit and uses his finger to erase parts of my writing on the board. I know it's neurotic, but it still bothers me. Also, I have chocolate or candy for the children if they do really well in class as a reward system. Sometimes this teacher asks me if I can have one. If he can have one, I say yes, but then I see him take two or three out of the bag. I don't mind giving out one at a time, but why does he ask for one and take more? Once I was in the classroom and he ate the last of my Oreos, there were three left. Then bought me a new pack to make up for it and proceeded to

eat that pack from my classroom before my students or I had one. I know this is a small problem, but how can I deal with this border eraser slash candy caper? I know he's an okay guy, but I'm getting annoyed with these visits. Thanks for your help. Love. Small Paul. That's tough. That is tough. This is something that you can relate to, the small things that irritate you. Yeah, that add up for sure. Yeah. Then the worst part about these small anoints is that they end up being a straw that breaks the camel's back and he takes another Oreo and you're like, just get the fuck out of my classroom. Then you're like, whoa, I just took an Oreo. Whoa, Paul. Going to the teacher's lounge. Hey, Paul screamed at me and all I did was have an Oreo.

Mouthful of chocolate. I mean, this is ridiculous. There was an Oreo bag that I got for him. Take a chill pill. I'm choking. I'm choking on a werther. Does anybody care? Nobody's saying anything. So what can you do? You can't really lash out. You can't really make a rule. You basically have to either take it or be an asshole. I sort of remember this feeling from college in a way. When you left your door all open all day and somebody would come in and you're like, I'm just trying to relax. I don't want company right now. Yeah. Then somebody knocks and it enters like, hey, what are you doing? What are you up to? Yeah. Then they start like watching your DVDs. I wonder if I've ever been that annoying a person. It seems like you can't go

through life never being that annoying person. I think we've all been the annoying person, but there are some people that have a little less self-awareness that become that annoying person just a bit more. But would they be just as shocked to learn that they're the annoying person as I am, or would they be more shocked than I am because I'm so self-aware? Even though I've never been that person, I'd be like, yeah, I guess that exists and some people are that people and I shouldn't be so shocked. Yeah. I feel like they'd be even more shocked because we're like, I'm never annoying on doing one of your Oreos. Yes. I think that people with a lot of self-awareness wouldn't be shocked, but like the person accusing them would also be kind of wrong. Yeah. If I was

like, you're always invading my space. Well, yes, you do always take my computer charger. Yeah. Now that I think about it, and actually I did have two of your Oreos earlier today, but I replaced it. I think, and then you ate that pack. I think that you, I think all you can do is just be a little surly to the guy. And oh, like snide comments? Not even snide, but just like when he comes in and he's like, hey, how's your day? Just like, don't answer him for a second. I'm like, sorry, I was distracted. And then like, don't answer the question anyway. And then he's like, can I have some chocolates? And you're like, yep. Or what if you're like, oh, fine, sorry, I've just had a bad day. It's not you. It's good. But it is him. Yes. Just like, plant

little seeds of doubt and, and, and, and rudeness in his mind. Make him, make him think the friendship is not as strong as you thought. That's good. And then it'll become uncomfortable coming into your class. Yeah. You sort of have to flip the script on him where you, you put it, he put you in a position where it's either he's the asshole or you're the asshole. So you flip it and you're just mean to him. And then you apologize saying something bad is happening in your life and you never tell him what it is. Oh, that's just a nasty guy. And then he either has to take it or and you like take the abuse of you being an asshole or, you know, maybe he's the asshole. Yeah. I mean, this is really tough. Cause I think in this situation,

I would just continue to be nice and resent this dude forever. Resent forever. Resent forever. And that prevents you from ever having a difficult conversation with this guy. Yeah. But I think being rude to him is also like, you know, kind of the wrong move. Like for you to be like, uh, don't have any more fucking chocolate. Sorry, I've had a bad day. Uh, it's not like there's also pretty shitty. Or what if it's the, uh, hey, listen, man, I know this is inconsequential, but you've been doing little things that sort of irk me throughout the course of our relationship. That's just too, it's too much. It's like, it's like having a breakup after like a single,

like a coffee date or something. You don't want to do that either. No, it's too, it's, it's too heavy for this situation. I think here's what, here's what I would do if when the, on the chocolate stuff, uh, he says, can I have a piece? You say, uh, yeah, but just take one because I have like, I have a class in a few minutes. I got to save some for those kids. Or if he says, can I have some, you say, Hey, I'm running, I'm not right now. I'm running really low. They're only for the kids in the next class. So like, it's not draw some sort of little boundaries. Yeah. You don't have to be like, no, you can't have a chocolate because they're not for you. They're for the children, but you give like a reasonable excuse that like I'm saving them.

And I would give you more, but I'm running low. Uh, and then on the, him erasing the stuff on your board front, you got to deal with that. He's going to do it. He's going to erase. Do you imagine a whiteboard or a chalkboard, the green? Uh, whiteboard. And he's just like erasing like the bottom of a T. Oh, that's good. So it's not really noticeable. Or he's turning the T into an I. That would be more destructive. Yeah. Or maybe the bottom of a J. So it looks like an I. Or like the, the, the, the, the, the middle, little in road of a capital B. So that it turns into a D of sorts. Or you could do, yeah. So you could take out the, uh, the slash and a Q. Oh yeah. That's good. Or maybe it's like a fucking L and he turns it into what?

You're crying. You're crying. Why wouldn't you be? He turns you into an X, an X friend. Nice. Uh, all right. Two minor nuances. Let's take a break. I think some major sponsors then we'll be back with more questions and answers after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any, uh, not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell

you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys, uh, in our family right now, but they're, they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we, how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife,

and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like a, she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device, anywhere, and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parent something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free

shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional license therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people

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Oh, no, but I know you do. I got a good one. All right, let's hear them. Memorize your credit card number. Memorize your credit card. You have yours memorized? That's right. Go for it. 4, 6, 9, 6. You're already lying. 8, 2, 2, 9, 78. Now you're telling the truth. 75, 8, 5, 5, 2, 1, 1. Expiration, January, 48, 22. SID, 48, 22. The little code at the bottom. You said 48, 22. A yellow triangle coupled with a fig. Freaking Newton. Whenever I'm trying to buy something online, I don't want to input it onto my computer in case, you know, somebody gets my computer and I don't want to like have to find my wallet. Maybe I put it in my room and I'm not in my room and I have to get up and get, grab it. So one day I just decided to memorize my credit

card information. I can type it in. Nobody can steal it from my brain. So you don't have chrome with the auto-fill your credit cards? No, not with credit card information. Interesting. I took that plunge a long time ago and it is very nice. It's basically saying if someone steals my computer in the off chance, more power to them. They can steal my credit card information to them. At least they'll have to hack into the computer itself. But other than that, I just won't lose my computer. It'll be fine. What about if you're buying something online? I have my credit card number memorized also. Well, well, well. Isn't the pot calling the kettle whack? Well, I did it before I had like gotten into the, you know, the auto-fill stuff. Oh, I see.

I did it for like ordering food. Oh yeah. It's nice if you like call and you just have your credit card. That's right. They're going to ask it to you. Like sometimes when I'm driving and like somebody's like, I don't know, like, I don't know why that's ever come up, but it has. I've been like driving and Jill or Micah like put in the credit card for me. That's cool. Yeah, it's a nice feeling to know it. Did you memorize it on purpose or by accident? By using it so much, it just like, oh, wait, I pretty much kind of know it already. On purpose. And I like, there was a time when I would like commit it to memory as soon as I got the card. Oh, wow. Instantly. Yeah. My card's going to expire soon. I have to re-memorize a number. Yeah. It's, I mean, it's, it's easier than you

think because like your credit cards pretty consistently have the, like the same numbers in them. I don't know if you've noticed that. Oh, it's like pretty much the same, like eight first digits and then it goes off the rails. But we used to do that all the time, memorizing phone numbers now that we don't have to do that anymore. Yeah. I still don't know Jill's phone number off the top of my head. Really? No idea what it is. So if you lose your phone, you're kind of fucked. I can't even tell you the first three digits of the nine. The what? The first three digits. You don't even know her area code. Not, no, not, not for sure. I'm so sorry to hear that. That sucks. Yeah. It's rough. Do you know her last name? It's going to be her wits. That's a really cool move. That's

what I, that's really strong. You have to be that way. Yeah. You have to be the man. Yeah. And oh, she is. Nope. I'm taking her last name. Really? Yeah. Because he flipped a coin. Because I was too aggressive. Makes sense. You deserve that. So that's my quick little one. It is nice. It's convenient. That's called streamlining. Shit. How's that? Just makes your life a little less complicated. You don't have to dig around in your pockets. You just have to dig around in your mind. I also noticed because you got a call while we were recording the podcast that you got yourself a barbecue. You didn't tell me things were going so well for your ass, Bloomingfield. So well. I didn't know you had that kind of year. A barbecue

year? Yeah, it's just a couple hundred bucks. I mean, it's not, you've seen it. Very nice. Direct gas line or propane? You know, that was an actual debate that I had. Of course. Of course, it was what you go with. I was leaning towards direct gas line out of sheer convenience, of course. Yeah. But then the setting it up and having the line and where to put the barbecue, it sort of limits your portability. So then I said, you know what? I'll just get the propane tank. I probably won't use it very much and I can put the barbecue anywhere I want. It's like a portable phone. Yeah. That's what I did. But I wonder if I'll end up deciding to change it. Like if I always put it one place and then it's like, I don't want to do whatever buying a propane tank. I can do a direct line.

Do you have a barbecue? No, but I actually, right now, I have one in my cart waiting to check out on Amazon. I was just going to do it after I got back. Wow. Yeah. Which one? It's kind of crazy. I guess if we got the same one, it can be our unsolicited advice next week. Holy shit. We probably are getting, no, wait, I don't know if we're getting the same exact one because I know you used wire cutter for it. No, I didn't actually. Oh, really? I used my brother. But I feel like there's only two or three barbecue companies. So odds are we do have the same one. Did you order it from Amazon? No, I got it from a hardware store. I don't know then. You know, we'll see. I guess we'll see. If you get it on Amazon, do they come and deliver it for you because

Ace Hardware sure does. Yeah, they'll deliver it and for another like 80 bucks, you can have them install it. Okay. Let's compare prices after offline. All right. But for now, let's answer another question. And I'm thinking this guy has a real small name. Little John. Little John writes. Anyway, to the problem, I'm about to turn 16. And ever since I can remember, my mom has told me no phone till you're 16. Well, the time has come. I'm turning 16 soon. And I'm planning on getting my first phone because I have never had a phone and I never saw a reason to get any social media. I am not on any apps. Literally, everyone else has a phone and social media and they have for years. So I guess my question is, how do I even go about getting contacts, social media and all

that shit so late after everyone else? I just feel like it's kind of awkward because I'm so late to it all. Once again, I know this is such a small problem, but I would really appreciate some advice from you guys. Cheers. Little John, some 15-year-old guy from Australia. How the hell do I have social media? Do you remember getting your first social media? I remember, yeah, because you were like getting Facebook. Yeah, it was when I was in college. We were like waiting for Facebook to come to our college. Yeah, that's right. Like a hot band. I got, yeah, we got like a DM, or not a DM. I got like an instant message from people like, Hey, Facebook is at our school now. What did you have before Facebook? What was your first social media? Oh, Myspace. You were on Myspace. Yeah, I had

Myspace. Were you on Friendster? No, I was on Friendster. You were? Yeah. Wow. That was, that was real old school. And College Humor even had something called Campus Hook. Were you on that? No, never. Yeah, Campus Hook, Friendster, then Myspace. Myspace was like the Wild West. You could do anything in Myspace. Yeah, wait, actually, Facebook might have been my first social media, actually. You might have had Facebook then Myspace. Yeah, there, yes, I did. It was like the summer that I had both. It was the summer after freshman year. Oh, is that when you wrote Summer of Both? Yeah. Summer of Both. That was the highlight of your fucking life. Summer of Both. It's when you, you didn't have to choose between Facebook and Myspace. I can't choose one. I have to have both this

summer. Summer of Both. And you were just talking about two social medias. Yeah. Wasn't it exciting to get Facebook for the first time? Yeah, I remember like, well, like through high school, I used Instant Messenger to like hook up with people. AIM. AIM. And Facebook was like this glorious new thing where you didn't like have to have everybody's, uh, buddy name. Like, yeah, you could, anybody you were like too afraid to talk to, you could find them afterwards. It was a real beautiful cowards tool and it still is. And this is 2006 or so. Yeah. I remember I held out on Facebook. I thought I was so late in the game. It was in 2007. So you're like, I'm all in on campus hook. Yeah, I'm like, I don't need Facebook. I already got fucking Myspace. What do I need to

move on for? Now, I need to be ahead of the curve. I felt like I missed Snapchat and it came and left without me. Yeah, well, you got Snapchat for a little bit. Yeah, but what's the new, what's the new hotness? I don't know. It feels like almost like in the same way that like, oh, what's the new search engine? Like, no, it's not. You don't have, there's just- Or even new dating app. There hasn't been like a huge threat to Tinder since Bumble, which was five years ago. And there really hasn't been anything since then either. Yeah. I mean, it's just right up fucking Instagram. It's all Instagram. It's just- Instagram is just growing and swallowing other apps. It's like, now I'm so big, I'm Snapchat too. And then IGTV just came out and now they're doing like video

channels. I really hope that does. I definitely hate it. I actually just sold the pilot to IGTV. Nice. Yeah, it's a pretty awesome deal. It's an if come deal. If anybody comes to the platform, they'll see it. Yeah, they'll pay me cash for it. Anyway, this guy's 15, about to turn 16. Is it too late for him or you can always join? You think you're late, but you're not. Just like, download Instagram, follow all your friends. They will be like, happy to have you. We thought we relate to the podcast game, for example. It was like 2013. You're very rarely as late as you think you are. That's right. And also with social media, it straight up doesn't matter because like, nobody's really noticing like, oh, little John just got an Instagram. Let's make fun of him. Let's

tease him. Yeah, why didn't he have one until now? They'll probably be like, oh, he just started following me. Nobody will assume that you didn't have an Instagram. They'll assume that you didn't follow them, which is cool. But is there some sort of pride in the people who are not on this stuff? Do you think there's some sort of pride in that? Yeah, there definitely is. I hear from people all the time. They're like, I'm not on Instagram. I'm not on Facebook. Yeah, that is, that's like something you're doing just so you can say that. Yeah. Or maybe they're already married with children and it's like, oh, that makes sense. You don't need that anymore. Yeah, I wonder if I'll stop caring ever. We always have to use it to promote things. Yeah. Oh, that's true. I actually wanted to delete

my Facebook. I still do, but I'm like, oh, no, I can't do that because I need access to the Jake and the New Year fan page. That's right. I remember thinking at one point when I was in, when I was like 14, it was like, when I get married, will I have an away message? Will I be like, will it say I'm gone forever? Will it be like getting married, BRB, leave a lot of messages or will it, and it's funny because I was like, no, I'll be like so grown up. I won't care about AIM by then. Wow. Meanwhile, like now here we are like, okay, your wedding's going to have a hashtag. You know, like social media is, it is very pervasive and it's not something you outgrow. It's something that sort of... Is that when you wrote Getting

Married, BRB? Yeah. Yeah. Getting married, BRB. Be right back after I marry, I marry, marry. Yeah, that was like the sleeper hit track on the debut album, Summer of Both. Summer of Both. We should write these songs for real. I would love to just make a pop punk album with you. Isn't part of your Dungeons and Dragons Patreon like an album, a musical album or something? Yeah, we are writing a pop punk song for this character named who had a voice like Tom DeLong. All right, no further questions. This song is called Strike True and it goes, well, don't give it away for free. Yeah, you're right. Check out the Patreon folks.

People have to buy for that shit. All right, one last question, which was actually pretty funny, it was this whole question and then it was a PS that was a separate question. I'm like, oh, the PS is better than the whole question. Interesting. So just the PS and we'll call this guy PS because it's a short name. Oh, and that is a small thing. Small name for a small problem. After my week in Amsterdam, I returned home to find that my window was open. I know what you're thinking, but no, my room is on the second floor. Two pigeons had taken roost in my wardrobe. When I opened my closet door to unpack, I was met with a flurry of noises and feathers before the birds escaped leaving a nest. What do I do?

He got invaded by pigeons? Two pigeons made a nest in his closet. What would you do if that were the case for you? I wouldn't allow the pigeons to stay there. Yeah, but like, do you call the police on a bird? No, of course. You can't arrest a bird. So what do you do? Are you little wing cuffs? Are you fighting these beasts with a broom? They're not beasts. They're birds you pussy. They're winged rats. Are you afraid of them? Yeah, they're afraid of pigeons. They made a nest in my closet. They think that I'm invading the house. I'll punch a bird in the beak, but I'm not. There's one behind you. You turn into a bird. Would you call anyone or would you try to deal with it solo-dolo? I'd deal with the solo-dolo.

I'd put the nest outside. Oh, so like the birds leave, but then you look at the nest and there's like two sort of half-formed birds peeking out of their eggs. Baby birds? Yeah, you still deal in with that? You still messing with that nest? That makes it a little tougher. I think I'd probably try to, oh, I'd get like a little flower box, a window sill thing. I'd shut the window, but put the bird's nest in the little box so the birds could still feed their young. Okay, and you're doing this while the pigeons are in your room sort of flapping around? I guess I would, yeah. I think I'd open the window, shut the door, try to shoot them out with the broom. No problem there. Okay. Once they're gone, put the nest outside unless I find babies in it, in which case I

try to find a way to stick the nest on the sill so the birds don't like, so their babies don't die. This seems like a lot, a lot of stuff, a lot can go wrong. I wouldn't, I would be too afraid to mess any of this thing up. You can call the Humane Society, which is something you've railed against in the past. Yeah, so I probably shouldn't do that just karmically. It seems like it would come back to bite me in the ass. So I suppose I would clip the wings of the pigeons. I would do a quick little like, you're afraid to even look at the pigeons. A wing clip. I would staple their wings together behind their back. That's not how you clip a bird's wings. Well, I figured it out. And then as far as the nest is concerned, I, you know, like when you're like squeezing a paper bag

really quickly, you're a plastic bag and you sort of like, it pops it. Yeah, yeah. You try to pop the nest? Try to pop the nest. Like, what's those little bubbles? I wrote that summer you wrote that like hip hop track called Pop the Nest. Yeah, Pop the Nest. Pop the nest, baby. Oh, Pop the nest. Pop the post over. And that's our third song. You gotta have three. No, I would call the police. And I would have those birds arrested. The cops. Death penalty for a pigeon. Did you get arrested? These birds actually have squatters rights. The birds on the house. What the hell? The person who shows up is a giant pigeon with a police hat on. Squawk, squawk, bitch. All right, those are two different options for you guys. Small problems, but you know what? Big answers if you ask me. Huge.

If you have your own questions you want to write us in or your own theme song submission, send them all to ifiroushowatgmail.com. The opening theme song was Madison and Leah. Leah? Leah. Leah. And the closing one is written by Tyler. Still need more theme songs, so please send them on over. For the love of God, do send them on over. And we'll be back next week, same time, always, every Monday until we die. Can't wait. Ciao! This song, I'm coming on.