If I Were You - 339: Bald Spot (w/Murph and Emily!)

Episode Date: July 16, 2018

Friends and fellow HeadGum Podcasters join us to discuss British Accents, Amir's D&D Character, and an intense game of Mafia.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Help me, Jakey, I'm in the womb Got me so bad, help me Save me if I'm real Tell me what the fork did do Tell me, tell me, tell me Headgum, if I were you Show me if I'm real

Tell me what the fork did do Tell me, tell me, tell me Tell me, tell me, tell me Fuck you, John One time I saw John Shova bystander An innocent bystander Whoa, Kay, Weezer parody

Masha By Jackson, Murph and Emily, what are your thoughts? I really liked all the chatting up top and I wish that I had continued Yeah, that's like the No music, all just the remix of us talking over each other I mean, a sweater song parody where it's just the chatter at the party for four minutes It's just getting a ride It is crazy that that song is good, right?

That the sweater song is good It's just chatting Well, that's how it starts That's how it starts The verses are chatting All the verses are that, or like leading it to Oh, baby, goddamn, you mean that part? No, but then after the verse chorus, they chat again

Oh, yeah, the chatting is sort of like the background music The chatting is the verse The chatting is the meat, my point is that there should be more chatting in songs Wait, isn't that the chorus? I hit the part about the sweater It's getting in the way I was in this conversation, you took me out of it, I want to get back They're getting a ride to the party, but what's the root?

Where Weezer went wrong was no all chat sweater song That was written by some guy named Jackson whose name on Instagram is Jax1 and then an underscore at the end, which is very rare You rarely see the ending underscore of a username Yeah, unless it's someone who's creating a new username to harass you You really got to experiment with where you put underscores to once they keep getting banned and they make me one

If you're just trying to troll somebody, you're not like this username is taken, you're not going backspace, backspace I'll come up with a new one, you're just like, alright, fine You're not like, what am I interested in? Okay, so I harassed them using my birth year, 85 Maybe I'll do 87, that's when my sister was born I'm pretty anti-underscore in general I never want to say underscore as part of somebody's username

I hate it when you upload a file and there's spaces in it and then it just gives you a bunch of underscores and you're like, that's not what I called this file but that's what you're calling this file It seems like underscore wasn't invented for computers What was an underscore? It's kind of a way to spice up your username or change it without changing it too much

It's the underlying to blank But I guess for whatever reason you can't have a blank Do you guys think that there are any children who have been born that have an underscore in their birth name? That's cool because then you give your kid the honor of having their true Gmail name Why? Because nobody's going to have like mic but m underscore i underscore k underscore e

Why not just give them a weird name? Because you want to call them mic With four underscores? You can't even take an SAT because there's no bubble for it Yeah, birth certificates are like a government thing You need to have letters in your name What about at? At is a good question because it's like at Emily

Could that be your name at this point? Your Twitter handle can't be your name Or it would be awesome if your name was like Oh, I gotta think of it If it was like Risa It was an R but then like an exclamation point And then a dollar sign and then an at sign Yeah, like catch up it with a dollar sign

Can you do that? So you were thinking of a word that had an S in it And the name was Risa Can your legal name have a number and a character in it? No Why not? Because you already can Alright, what about your Gmail password?

Can your Gmail password have done it? Did you have a password? But your name can't? How is that fair? Can we all reveal our Gmail passwords on today's show? Is that crazy? 6969333 At Risa.com

Murph and Emily, you guys haven't been on the show since you Made your D&D podcast with Jake We think Yeah, we were hyping it perhaps last year Yeah, I remember Murph trying to convince Jake to get into D&D on our show And I thought you guys came on to talk about the show I think we came on to get hyped about it Because we were all pumped

And I remember looking at a mirror and feeling bad for it Which is normal That could have been any episode though That was actually five years ago You guys were basically We were recording a podcast Murph is like a nerd zombie and he infected you And now you love D&D ever since Murph came around

No, no, no Murph is a bad influence It was in Jake all along, I think is the problem Oh, and Murph just released it Yeah Murph like planted the seed that grew and overtook me And now you're so into it, you love it the most I am super into it

I love D&D wholeheartedly You guys play for hours I think what allows you to get nerdy about it Is that you can play a character who is super cool and buff and great So it's nerdy, but it's an appreciation of coolness He's a bully, basically I've heard of this, right? I feel so immune to people teasing me about D&D

Because like, yeah, Hard One Surefoot is six foot six Rippling muscles, amazing hair, awesome beard He carries three axes and a pickaxe And he like chops people's heads off Keep making fun of me, and he'll actually come after you Make fun of me all you want, Hard One's awesome Isn't that what nerds are doing in the 80s? Or is like, let's fucking get home and play

And become these awesome people that we're not in real life It's literal fantasy The cool thing about D&D is that people's characters end up being distillations into what they think is cool We're not playing around and everybody is six foot six and ripped I am 34 triple D Just whatever you want to be Caldwell is what? Caldwell's like a boy scout

Caldwell's character is basically a boy scout Caldwell's very into like anime and stuff And his character is very much like, I will do best by my family Got it That kind of thing So it's not necessarily who you want to be But it might be what you think is funny or like what, you know Some sense of yourself is in there

Merph is like a 200 year old elf that sounds like Hulk Hogan Or Randy Savage I can't even like, because whenever we do live shows People are always telling me to be on the D&D podcast for a couple episodes I'm like, what's my version of like the fantasy version of myself? What do I have? What do I need? Sometimes you just take something that you want more of in your life For example, I would love to have huge tits and I love mushrooms

So I play Guys, knock it off Emily's telling me something serious A really fertile elf who can become a mushroom and shit like that Got it I think of something that you're like, oh, like some of it is like, some of it is like aspirational But then some of it is also like, like just something that you really like and want to like get into Yeah

But do you have any superheroes you like or anything like, let's fucking scratch Mine are like, mine are like, my superheroes are like professional basketball players But that wouldn't exist in like Bahumia would it? Well, you could be like a real athletic type But isn't that like a hard one? You could be different You could be different You could be more of a

You'd have to be different Actually, can I just be hard one's ugly twin? No Hard one has no family Yeah No, hey, you forgot about me I'm Roger Sherfoot Wow, you actually had a really good childhood

Yeah, no, we were fine No, I'm the bastard of the mountain You were lying about everything Who, hard one? No, it's all steroids He was five foot two Jesus, man Yeah, I mean LeBron James is kind of your, no, Kobe is your hero

Yeah, Kobe Bryant But what is he like a You could be like a sharpshooter Yeah Oh, yeah Did you ever see that there was a cartoon like back in the like 80s or 90s Well, there were a million of them where they were like video games come to life But there was one where like

There was one where there was a basketball player who had like a magic basketball But there was also that sports all-star show with like Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan and stuff And Bo Jackson, yeah Yeah, and Michael Jordan, I believe, had a magic basketball You could do something like could he invent like a sport that they play up in the north of Bohemia Absolutely And like you are the star of this sport Yeah, because you could use your magic basketball like a ranged weapon

So basically Murph would take like a bow and arrow but then like turn it into a basketball But is there basketball in Bohemia or is it like Not basketball proper but it would be a sport like Like we could figure out essentially a way to make like Quidditch but less nerdy Because you'd want it to be more like basketball So you'd want it to be a little bit more There's what? There's shovel ball

It feels like Bohemia would have Oh, it feels like there would be some sort of like Like a rugby type thing, yeah Or can I go to the complete opposite and be like the Albert Einstein That's what I was thinking for you is I was thinking if you were some kind of like wizard Yeah, like a Jewish wizard Yeah Adam Conover was on the show and his character was essentially Orc Frazier

It was just a very smart Orc Oh, that's pretty good He was a very smart Orc who we like went back to his apartment and he had like jazz playing Orc, can I be like a dumbass? Like can I be Homer Simpson? Yeah, you can literally have like five intelligence and be like much stupider than a normal person What if you were just like a really, really lucky person who was a huge fucking idiot but like was so... That is very Homer, yeah You're not even talking about my character anymore, you're just talking about me

I like that we are scratching the itch though Yeah, there's something there Homer with basketball Yeah, cause even... Einstein I think like following sort of the Adam Conover route of doing like an Orc Frazier I think like finding a kind of a character trope or a character that you like and then like making a fantasy version of that I almost have to do the voice first because I'm very limited in the voices I can do

So like I don't want to choose That was just kind of an afterthought though So are you guys putting on is it like completely different voice or is it just like... Emily's voice feels like you almost have like this other accent I like slip in and out of it But no, like when we're recording I'll like really like I'll just start talking like that a little more Are you from the south at all? No, I'm from upstate New York

You do have like a little country in your accent Everyone thinks I'm from the Midwest though I think there was something about upstate New York that sounds like Midwest Right So like Moonshine's voice has like a twang Yeah And Hard One's voice is just my voice except deeper And Beverly is Caldwell's voice except higher basically

Yeah Yeah it's just like slight changes And I just do like tough guy voice Yeah Or like... Nerdy Not tough guy voice Nice guy

Tough guy and nice guy Alright we'll keep thinking about it And if Merff's lady voices are like whisper Yeah I just talk, I don't know, like this Yeah Just like all women do Murph but whispering But what is this? This is an advice podcast

It's called If I Were You It's an advice show Me and Jake host it Murph and Emily are on it And we're just having fun We're just hanging out and having fun You guys want to try to answer some questions since we're already here Yes

Do you have a good one that you found Jake that you definitely want me to answer? Um He sent these to me earlier today Give me the title of the second one that I sent you She's always right Right? I don't remember that one Should I tell my friend he's bald?

Oh yeah let's go there Alright This is a British ladies name So Emily do you have a British ladies name? Oh Skahoofin Wow Speaking of come up with names

That's another fun part of D&D You could play Skahoofin Or Risa Skahoofin Did you guys have it planned already Or you came up with it like via improv And then it just has to stick for years The names?

Yeah The names came up with that I put a ton of thought into mine When I I wanted to do Surefoot Cause I wanted a guy that had like really good feet That didn't hurt Cause my feet are

Close But when I first came up with Surefoot I wanted him to be Like a life Small like really fast Like Like a triathlete or something Yeah

Like an Iron Man guy And then I think when I came up with the name Hardware I was like no he's going to be huge Yeah mine are always like Mine are always like I like to still like to I feel like you name it And you like kind of come up with like The character more from the name

Like I knew I wanted to be into mushrooms And I knew I wanted to be Like a Southern girl So it became Moonshine Saibin Yeah But also cause like I wanted to name her Sweetie something And Murph was like

No that's like that's a joke name And I was like I think Sweetie's a good name Sweetie is Too silly Sweetie is good But Moonshine is Moonshine is so good Okay so Scoobin

Do you guys Do you do a good British accent by any chance? I didn't I do an awful one I was just hoping I can give it a shot though You want to give it a shot British lady writing this email

To read this in a British accent Yeah I'll give it a shot Alright That's a big failure What do British people sound like? That's always a good thing to tell yourself Right before doing it As you take the laptop

You grant Okay It starts with a howdy How the heck do you say howdy? Howdy Nice Wait on me this my homies I'm bought a simple UK lass

Who enjoys saying things like Howdy Is that cultural appropriation? I guess that's a question for another day Not recently I went up on a hike With our friendly Welsh neighbor Snowden It's a goddamn mountain We're hardcore

Now on the way up My partner in crime Would find himself gasping for breath Spraying out sweet and generally At Spraying out sweat Sorry Classic

Spraying out sweat And generally making a sickening mess of himself At one point he had to get down on the floor And rest What a wimp However This was when I noticed He seems to be balding slightly

At the crown of his head We're both 27 But we are also both people Who are quite terrified of aging And still huge kids at heart I know that when people Have commented before on him looking older He's found this quite upsetting

If you were this jabroni Would you rather be told About this bald spot now So you can catch this So you can catch things early on With creams and shit That keep your hair on He might be shocked

And a little upset initially But might be happier in the long run If he can treat it now Or would you rather not know And only find out when it's really noticeable At which point you're further down the line Of looking like Larry David And need to do something

And need to do more to look like A wispy Johnny Bravo Should I maybe comment to his girlfriend And ask her to bring it up Or should I perhaps just kill him Before he has a chance To get bald As a side note

I know you divas are always thinking Of something sexual and everything You damn sexy pervert But I'm engaged to my fiancé That's how engagements stand to work Admittedly And me and her are happiest balls Much love

Aspreth McF- Aspreth McFuckface P.S. you guys used one of my songs In the past which was A circle of life parody Thank you for that It made my week My artist name is

Danny Steele And who gave me a shout out And I admittedly got a little star stuck Also, in case you really listen to this song My voice is in My voice is deep In it because I'm Okay, my voice is deep in it

Because I'm a damn pround Damn proud trans motherfucker I just didn't know it at the time Whoa A lot of twists and turns in the P.S. I did not read that far down Actually It's like I was on a hike with a guy

By the way He is a girlfriend By the way I'm engaged By the way I'm trans And didn't know it at the time Anyway, should I tell him he's balding?

Yeah Wow This is, I think that I think, well My first reaction is like He's so scared of aging Like that's You don't need to be scared of aging

Right Yes, that's true Well, you don't need to be scared of anything You just are scared Well, you kind of like Need to be scared of something Taxes There's like

There's survival in being Afraid of stuff Yeah, but aging You're saying it's not necessary I guess like the visual aging Like don't be scared of that Be scared of your organs shutting down Be scared of the slow degradation

Of the processes that keep you alive At first I was definitely like No, don't say anything It's crazy to want to say anything But you can I do have friends who Have used creams and shit And it helps

And it does help Wait, does it grow back Or does it just stop What is the I have a friend who uses it And he used one that started with a P It was like Pretty

Pretty And it's a cream stuff It's like a cream stuff Yes, it was propitia But that's a pill, right? Propitia is a pill But he didn't like the night The side effects of it

Which is why So now it made him pee a lot In the middle of the night Okay Pee on his head Which made it grow That's amazing Watering the garden

But then Now he just does creams And the creams help? Yeah Different stuff Effects people's hair differently Like there's some people that are like I did propitia and my hair

Like grew back And then some people Grew back Yeah, there's like rare cases Where it actually grows back You go to a Reddit R slash Trestless R

It's a real treasure trove of people Fighting baldness Wow I think if you have just like A little bald spot too Which it sounds like Is what this guy has That it could be

You could defeat it I think there's a bigger question though You could beat it I think there's a bigger question Would this guy look good bald Because that is the best way to be There is a power in the shaved head Yeah

Just to embrace it There's some people For reality to it It's like not everyone's Going to look great with it So there are people who should Fight it But like some people

Just fucking do it Here's my thought on this Is I feel like this guy knows Yeah Like although if it's the bald spot one Versus like the receding one You don't see it as much Yeah, I don't think I would know

I mean I guess maybe you could feel it If he has a girlfriend then Yeah, you'd see it Yeah, tell the girlfriend I think that's the thing That was Bring it up with the girlfriend That was their suggestion

Yeah And I was saying I would say don't bring it up to him Directly Cause then like he knows that his friends Are noticing and that That probably would make it feel worse Especially after like

Hacking his way up a mountain Like almost time they Hey by the way you're bald Really It's very funny that What was the name that You gave this person Scahuvin

Scahuvin Scahuvin's like four paragraph long Ball busting email Actually Their own like Solution was pretty good Which was to tell the girlfriend Yeah, tell the girlfriend

Which I think is probably A way to go about it That's almost meaner It's like by the way I told your girlfriend That you're bald Well you tell him I still think with Even though it's on the crown of his head

I still think he knows I think he might know There's no way that you don't know Yeah I would err on the side Of not telling anybody Yeah, because you can't get in trouble For not saying it

You can't get in trouble No one will be like Why did you tell me Like you should have told me When you started Yeah, I think he knows But couldn't you You've never like

Denied Like I've gained You know 25 pounds at a time Just like thinking that Like fat macking myself Like for always sunny style Like getting fat Thinking I was getting buff

And you can be in such deep Such deep denial That you don't realize it's happening But I think weight gain is something You can look in the mirror And be like I think I look the same Whereas a bald spot

You But you could just be like Maybe that's how it feels On the back of my head I don't know I mean I thought that she was just Going to like tell him

And be like Haha, you're bald But like if she's going to Suggest creams and shit Yeah Creams and shit Creams work Creams work

They are noble intentions Like I want to tell him So he can arrest Right The male pattern The level of bald musting Made me be like You should not say anything

To this guy You are just going to Razz him But when she was saying That she wanted to Talk to the girlfriend I think I guess it depends how you do it

Yeah Option C Okay She just leaves Some creams and shit In the bathroom No one will He won't know where

Where it came from But it will cause him To have some introspection Oh Am I going bald? Wait, so sneaky Touch touch touch touch I am going bald

You are going bald Or just like In the bathroom Hang another mirror Pretend to take Like have some reason That you need to take a picture From overhead

So he can notice it himself That's cool And if he's like Don't take the picture Or like really Like moves his head Yeah And you'll know that he knows

Yeah be like Let's get I think it would be funny To get a picture Where it's like From behind us Looking at this Like a back selfie

Birds eye view Birds eye view Crowns eye down Here's what you do I know what you do In OTS Over the shoulder Shot of us

I know how you do it You set up an insane Sharkootery And then give it to him Meat platter And then you're like Oh my god this looks so good I need to get a picture

And over the head Of the wood board And over the head Of the sharkootery And I'm going to put you in it I want all of your solutions To start with You set up an insane

Sharkootery You always answer by saying We should get ham It could be any food We should Honestly we should probably Follow up with Because she's going to write back

And say Okay but what is I now need advice On the insane Sharkootery You need little pickles You need You need

Tiny pickles And cheese With the little grater That slices it Shark Oh a honeycomb Is kind of necessary Oh that's cool

That's really cool That's tasteful A little bowl of nuts Live wood It really should be live wood And we haven't even Got into the meat What?

In ham Prisciado Prisciado A little tofu I don't know where he stands Yeah The kind where it's like A creamy brown

You don't know if it's liver Or what? Oh a pate Yeah pate Oh yeah Pate with a little knife Yeah The little green circles in it

You gotta have an assortment Of little knives Find out his favorite meats So he's leaning in deep To eat them So that when you catch That sharkootery word You put the cream on the cracker

A little cream on the cracker Yeah And maybe like a little A little bowl of olive oil So he has to lean in Oh Any Anything tiny

Will help Yeah a little ramekin A ramekin with propitian Yeah It's like just One or two of them Oh that's good So you take the picture

Yeah Then before you show it to him He takes a tiny knife Dips it in the ramekin Of propitia He says Ew What is this

And then you say Okay I think you're Ready to see this photo And it's the bald spot But don't worry Because you're working Against it right now And when you show the picture

Don't comment on the bald spot You comment on the meats Yeah Or the cheeses You say wow You really got in on those meats Look at you Hovering over this board

Look at the rind On the pepperoni here Oh yeah You could be like Oh all those meats I hope there's not hormones in it Because hormones can have Leads a higher testosterone

Which a higher testosterone Is linked to male pattern baldness Is that true I think so I would have thought The exact opposite Hence statham Hence rock

And diesel Enter diesel Oh wait One more option One more option You just sit down For like a triple X Fast and a furious

With the rock in it A crank Is that the Jason Statham thing Sit down for a marathon of those And then at the end You're just kind of like What do you think about men Who are bald

Because you're I know I think they're hot And I'm trans You're like You're like empowering them Like before then Yeah But I think that's like last

That's like the last option Because like that's after That's after all the cringe and shit Didn't work If nothing worked If nothing worked And like his baldness Is like really starting to speed up

That's when you like make him Okay with being bald Right Side note I would love for everyone to send me pictures Of their charcuterie Hashtag Emily's charcuterie And they're hairlines

Preferably with people's bald spots in them Some plus Just a bald man eating a charcuterie Is just kind of like my What do you call my brand? Yeah That's my D&D character Alright let's take a break

Let's thank some sponsors And we'll be back with more questions And answers with Murph and Emily Yeah Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring This headgum podcast You know Aura Frames is sponsoring Not just this episode

But the entire headgum network, Jake Wow That's correct I mean this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is Yeah Yeah not just Father's Day But if for any not so tech-savvy family member

That you need a gift for soon These digital photo frames Might be the best of all time Yeah For me personally These things are perfect I'll tell you why As you know I am expecting

Yeah My first child We got one for Jill's parents Oh wow We got one for Jill's grandma Holy smokes We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys

In our family right now But they're great Really easy way to like Stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents' kitchen It's really nice Oh that's cool

So you take a photo of anything Perhaps a baby And then it goes to their digital photo Yeah Frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant We got her the Aura frame

We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice Asshole This was actually a really sweet moment Me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit

Like This is how I told my grandma She was pregnant Yeah Kind of like she misheard it Or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way

By the way Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame Holy smokes And we let her know with an Aura

Yeah Thank you The Aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos From any device anywhere And invite the whole family in On the fun through the Aura app Add me to your Aura app

I'd love to upload just a picture of me Like at a pool or something That could be funny Yeah Like your banana or your dog Alongside pictures of my daughter Yeah Yeah

Exactly You deserve that You can even preload photos And add a personal video message That will display As soon as your dad Or anybody connects to the frame Yeah

It's a great gift A really, really iconic gift And right now you can save On the perfect Father's Day gift And visit Aura Frames That's A-U-R-A Frames.com And our listeners

Can use code HEADGUM To get up to $30 Off plus free shipping On the best selling frames There it is Oh wow, this is timely The deal ends on June 18th So don't wait

Terms and conditions apply That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A Frames.com Okay Go get your parents something Alright And use the code HEADGUM

For $30 Off plus free shipping Right on Thank you Aura And now back To the HEADGUM podcast You were listening to This show is sponsored

By BetterHelp Thank you, BetterHelp If you're finding yourself In a difficult, anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional Licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself Out of that difficult place

And it's not necessarily easy To find a therapist Especially one in your area But BetterHelp makes that all easy Because it's online therapy Designed to be convenient, flexible And suitable to your schedule You just fill out a brief questionnaire

And get matched with a licensed therapist And you can switch therapists At any time for no additional charge It's incredibly helpful Therapy has helped millions of people Over thousands of years So give therapy a try It can give you the tools

To find a more balanced life I've tried therapy It's been very helpful So you can find that balance Better with BetterHelp All you gotta do is Go to BetterHelp.com If I were you

You do that today You can get 10% off your first month So the prices are already affordable Because you're not paying rent For a building somewhere That you have to drive to And wait in a waiting room This is done entirely online

But you're still getting professional Licensed help And it's extra affordable That's BetterHelp H-E-L-P.com If I were you Check him out Thanks, BetterHelp

And we're back Hey, Murph And or Emily Do you guys have any? Oh, it's a leather device Apologies for that The question is Do you have any advice that people

Didn't necessarily ask for But you think would help a lot of people out I think it would help people out There's probably a lot of people at home Who start watching Frasier And they think like This is a good show But there's too much Frasier in it

And my advice is You can always scrub ahead And see when the next Nile scene is How? You take your cursor You take your little cursor And then you can look at scenes That are coming up

So you can scrub ahead And then find out when the next Nile scene is And just skip to that So my question is Have you started skipping the Frasier scenes? No, not yet I wouldn't have the audacity Because what if he got a phone call from Niles?

I wouldn't miss it I would miss out some Niles content How would you describe the difference Between Frasier and Niles? Because it's always like When you're creating a show You want the characters to be so different And I always thought Frasier and Niles

Were so subtly different But like part to tell apart One is a frog and one is a tadpole Right, so you're saying Niles Is sort of an immature Frasier It's not immature He's like even sleighter And even dandier

Mmm He's dandier maybe That's what I like about him But can you imagine pitching that show Where it's like Frasier is this, this, this and this And also there's this brother Who's pretty much the same thing

But dandier That show was a spin-off So you didn't really have to pitch Frasier Yeah You did have to pitch Niles though Niles was not on Cheers But then you're just like Here's how you pitch Niles

You're like you know what's funny about Frasier Let's amp it up to eleven Yeah, crank it From ten and a half to eleven Wow, Niles is the Frasier of Frasier In a way Think about it What Frasier was to Cheers

Niles is to Frasier Imagine a new show It's called Niles More Frasier than Niles Or then Frasier Could there be a character on the Niles spin-off That's more Niles Emily

Oh my gosh We were watching It's my dream to play Marys God damn it Emily very suddenly just got into Frasier And we've been watching Frasier But she does not like Frasier very much But she was like

She was like Is there a Niles spin-off? And I'm like No, Frasier was on for like twelve years There's no time for Niles How old is David Hyde Pierce now? Ooh, I'll guess fifty-nine Really? I'll go fifty-six

He's ages because he lives on my TV That's correct Do you guys have guesses? Age? I'm gonna look it up I'm gonna say I'll say Oh, he was in Wet Hot American Summer Oh, here we go

Here we go I'm just gonna say The fucking age, man Alright, fifty-five Good Emily? Forty-two Wow

So Emily is by far the worst guesser I was correct He's still Frasier Yeah, you saw him in 1993 I saw him like the other day On my TV And he looks like forty-two So when Frasier was on

He was forty-two But now he is fifty-nine Fifty-nine Yeah Very close to sixty Here's an interesting fact People who are fifty-nine Were born in nineteen fifty-nine

Huh! It's kind of weird that way That's satisfying Anyway, that's... That'll be my D&D character He's filled with mundane trivia like that It's interesting to him There could totally be like a lame wizard

That doesn't know like actual magic But just like shows you math That runs with trivia night at a tavern Oh, no, I know who you should be Okay Oh my god, you should be... Did you guys have in college the magic kid? Just like a magician?

Yeah, like the kid who learned magic To try to make friends Oh, I had a Rubik's cube kid You were the Rubik's cube kid? No, but not in college This kid was really good at the Rubik's cube I was a shitty Rubik's cube kid That was a bad version of that

Oh, you want me to be like a poor magician No, like a stage magician Oh, it's a pretty good magician Like a wannabe... But not good Like you're like really good at sleight of hand And stuff that people aren't that impressed by So like not a wizard

Like in a world where people can throw fireballs You can do awesome card tricks Yeah But it's the kind where it's like more of a math trick So like put the cards down in three rows of seven Yeah Alright, now choose a column Alright, hold on one second

And it's always really particular You're like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no One of the front columns Think of a number Don't grab it, point to it If you divide all five numbers or add them You get the same total Isn't that hilarious?

Think of a number between seven and ten The card one swings his axe Oh Wow, it's the first time we've ever killed a guest Within eight minutes of being on the show I'm sorry, I've got another hour and a half You can just sit quietly Has that ever happened on the show?

The guests get killed? The guests dies? No It came close with Jonathan Oh, Jonathan did almost fall Nathan Yaffe almost fell off a giant totem pole, essentially Yeah Can you choose to die?

Like if I came on and I wanted to die within two hours Can you force that to happen? Yeah, you could Honestly, you could just He just behaved recklessly Yeah Oh, I can make it We're all trying not to die and we come close all the time

Yeah, you're just like If they have like a ship that goes through the air You could just be like I jump off the airship Really? Yeah, okay You fall and you die You could also be such a piece of shit

That none of us want to heal you Did I? I think I told you this story I told you this story But I recently played Mafia with a group of Not my friends, but my girlfriend's friends Oh yeah, I did not hear the story You told me to tell you

This is great So have you guys played Mafia? Yeah So in Mafia, for those of you listening at home It's like a game where like 10 people are playing And they all close their eyes And one person is secretly like killing everyone else off So when everyone's eyes are closed

His eyes are open And he's pointing to someone saying Like kill that person And then everyone opens their eyes And there's a general discussion to try to see Who's the Mafia Who's the one who's actually killing people And the point of the game is to lie

So everyone says I'm not Mafia, I'm not Mafia And then the guy who's actually Mafia Also says I'm not Mafia And then people are like Oh, I think he's lying And let's put him on the trial And let's execute him or stuff like that Yeah

It's like a witch hunt A lot of like guessing and stuff So It gets heated Did I say this already? Within 20 minutes Everyone was yelling at me That I was ruining the game for everyone

Screaming at me to go To leave To leave the house What? Like the only reason You made your girlfriend think Was she just like What the fuck are you doing?

You was half mad at me Half in Create like Confused as to why this guy Was genuinely yelling at me And then half like Loving the fact that everyone was yelling at me What did you do?

Someone was genuinely yelling at me Yes No, more than one person Like Why would you fucking do that? Why would you fucking do that? The only reason you do that Is to ruin the game

And then his fiance He's trying to ruin the game He's trying to ruin the game Everyone's staring at me And yelling at me After the game had ended What did you do? Okay, wait

What did you do? So this is what I did Sometimes I tell people that Can I guess what you did? No, sure Did you Just Did you say that you were mafia?

No Kind of So no, no, no, I didn't No, that would be ruining the game I didn't even do that back Sometimes I tell people this story And they're like Yes, you did ruin the game

I agree with the person Sometimes they're like This guy overreacted So this is what I did No matter what he overreacted Yeah, because it was a game after all So Some guy

Like you vote to kill someone off And then it's like If you get three votes Then you kill that person off And I saw this guy raise his hand And as soon as there was three votes He like lowered it So I'm like

Oh, I feel like this guy's mafia He did something shady Where he was trying to like save somebody So then When it was time for a general discussion I'm like This guy raised his hand And as soon as this person

Had enough votes to kill him He lowered it I think he's trying to disguise The fact that he's actually the killer And we should kill him off And he said I'm actually not the killer Because

And I'll tell you why I'm the doctor So in like advanced levels of mafia Oh yeah There's the doctor Who's allowed to save someone They're only allowed to save one person In the whole game

Exactly So like they're like considered Like super sacred And he's like I'm actually the doctor So you guys shouldn't kill me And then I'm like Well, you're just lying

You're just saying you're the doctor Because everyone lies And that's what you're saying You're saying I'm the doctor But you're not the doctor And he's like Yes, I am the doctor

Why would I say I'm the doctor If I'm not the doctor I'm like Because everyone fucking lies in this game I can say Like it's too risky to say you're the doctor Because then someone else would say I'm the doctor

And he's lying And that would out me as lying And I'm like That's not actually true Because you said I'm the doctor And everyone was just waiting to hear What you were saying And the real doctor

AKA me Didn't want to interrupt you And everyone was like Oh I'm like that's right I'm the doctor And I didn't know what the hell you were doing So I didn't want to like say anything

Until you were done talking And now that you're done talking I want to let everyone know That I'm the doctor And he's lying Meanwhile, I'm not the doctor I just think he's lying And you're not a mafia either

Yeah No And he He's like No, you're not the doctor Don't say you're the doctor If you're not the doctor Like that

Back and forth And I'm like I am the doctor You're lying Is this the guy who ended up yelling at you? Yes He was the host of the game I'm currently on your side

Okay So everyone's like This is so fucking weird I don't know why they're both saying They're the doctor Let's kill them both off They kill me And then the next round

They kill him And then the mafia wins Because they have like The mafia ended up killing two townspeople After they kill him The game ended And he's like There's no fucking reason you should say

You're the doctor If you're not the doctor A hundred times out of a hundred You will lose that game No, I'm not I'm just I'm not I'm not mad

I'm just fucking explaining to you That like the only reason you would do that Is to ruin the fucking game Like that Like seriously yelling Wait, was he the doctor? Yes, he was the doctor He was the doctor the whole time

I'm still on your side though He's the doctor is ruining the game No, that was after the game was over Yeah, but like during the game He said he was the doctor He said it to save his life Like by the way, don't kill me I'm the doctor

Yeah, but like Hang on, hang on Here's the important thing Amir, were you mafia? No, I was a townspeople Why were you lying? Because he believed that He was that

I understand I was saying I'm the doctor Because I thought he was lying So I was lying to prove that he was lying I'm done shit like that There's so much lying to happen But you were trying to ruin the game You were trying to kill him

Because you thought he was mafia But he's like You don't know that I'm mafia Amir was playing I was playing the game I was playing the lying game I'm all in on your side You're just gonna be that player

I don't think you ruined the game on purpose But I don't see what I would have done the same All right, that's just His logic is You operate on a hunch His logic is sound, though Yes, I mean his logic was sound

Who is this motherfucker? And he is logic was sound He sounds like such a loser to be like I'm about to get killed And then he's like I'll reveal that I'm the doctor You don't do that

He says that's a professional He said that's a professional expert strategy And he's played a lot So he's like To me It doesn't fucking matter How much you've played

To him he's like You shouldn't do that And the only reason you did that Is because you're trying to Actively ruin the game So there's two levels One, calling me a bad player Which is fine

I'll accept that Even though I don't agree with it But two Then taking it to the next level Is like I'm so good at the game That I did it anyway To try to ruin the game

And then other people Joined in with him And we're yelling at me Everyone Did anyone take your side? A lot of people Let's say there were eight people Ten people playing

Four of them were screaming at me And four of them were like This is really fucking weird I think it's so fucking weird It is Really weird I've played so much mafia And I've gotten into

Like Heated, right? It gets heated Yeah, I've had like The room get weird and tense But I've never had anyone Like yell at someone And also I would have done

What you did Because it's like It's like You think he's You genuinely believe he's lying Yeah And you're like Let me call him out

You're lying I mean The whole game is lying I have to tell you The whole game The whole game You've never Have you ever played mafia?

I have played I have played mafia You don't sound like You're good at it You don't lie Wait, no But why would you You're a townsperson

Why would you lie As a townsperson Because I'm operating on a hunch If I was another This is how I would call you out Laughing and being like Why would you do that? Yes

The real doctor Might want to be quiet Because if that Exactly The real doctor Would not want to be killed If I If I

Because he thinks the real doctor Is The guy Was the doctor Yeah, but he could Easily have been lying He could easily have been lying And the real doctor is like

I don't want to say anything Because then I'll be targeted By the mafia Next round Sure The doctor Just to get this guy to divulge Like

Or just to like So doubt among everybody And have them be willing to kill It's smart I think it's smart If I were playing I would have also jumped in And said

No, I'm the doctor Three doctors That's right Let's all fucking write What usually happens In these games One person gets a little heated Like

But then And they like Instantly cool down Like Oh, you killed me Like Fuck this And they're like mad

And then they like Make another drink But everybody else is like Hover around Like acting Like they're not interested But still watching Like one person max

Is allowed to be Like Like real wound up And then everybody else Sort of like It was so wound up That like Half an hour later

We were just sitting around Like Cooler heads had prevailed He tied his head Like apologizing to me Like it's fine You'll like hang out with him Again

I would be fine too I'm not eager to Because You know, he takes it Very seriously Everyone was like Apologizing to me I'm like

This is more fun Than like playing a boring game To me It's like the fact that We were all yelling at me Like I like that kind of stuff Because it's like I have a fun story out of it

This is why I don't want to play D&D with you Either Like I feel like That would be better Than nothing happening So like People apologizing to me

Like a fun story I think freaking out Freaking out is crazy Especially as adults Especially at a game Like Accusing me of trying to Ruin the game

Like even at work He was acting Yelling at me like He caught me slashing his tires I also think You're like way more Like fine to yell at you For ruining the game

If you had killed Like a bunch of other people Yeah But like the fact that You just got his character killed And he's like You're trying to ruin it Yeah

He's such a bad sport Such a bad look It was really fun That is really quite good That was a good story Way in Let me know if you think I won didn't do good

To ruin the game Or three You think this guy Is a little bit crazy And I'll name his name On your Patreon Awesome Yeah

We're actually out of time Unfortunately But we got some good stories And laughs out of it Even if we only answered One question What's the name of your podcast? I think we helped a lot of people

At the very least one We helped him Your work through His mafia time Say your podcast again Just so we're all Guys, check out Not another D&D podcast

With me, Brian Murphy Emily Axford And Jake Hurwitz And Caldwell Tanner That's right And soon to be featuring Guest player Math wizard

Sid Green Oh, hello Just the normal name Sydney Janes Green Janes isn't that normal That's a good name Janes is again Sydney Janes

It's a typo It's the female James Hi Call me Ginny Opening theme song Was written by Jackson And this closing one Is by Lahiru

Pronounced to kind of rhyme With Amir So I don't know how you pronounce it Oh, wait, before we go You guys have anything to plug? The book Yeah, the book Also, hey you up

Did I say this already? It's coming in Netflix No, that's Hot Date Is the name of our show Sorry Hey you up to the book Hot Date on Netflix Yeah, that's Hot Date

It's coming to Netflix Season one is coming in Netflix in September Whoa, that's exciting Yeah, so if you didn't catch the first time around Catch it there And then our book is out right now Hey you up How to turn your booty

Call into your emergency contact It's on Amazon And it's also on Audible If you want to listen to Wow, you like the sound of their voice You like the sound of their voices You like my twang Yeah, you do the whole thing

In the British accent, right? Yeah Alright, send If you have questions for yourself You can send it to Ifirishow at gmail.com Thank you for coming on our show Thanks for having us

And we'll be back next week Bye, later If I were you Here's a podcast And awesome podcast With J.E.G. and Amir Here's a podcast A dope-ass podcast

The best of all them here If I were you Here's a podcast