If I Were You - 34: Dibs

Episode Date: November 4, 2013

In this episode we discuss how to text a crush, how to make a move, and a new app idea.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com -- http://bit.ly/17A8WkL. For healthy and tasty snacks, delivered to you for free, check them out! And use coupon code "ifiwereyou" for 50% off your first shipment.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

It all started with the death inside a Starbucks and then a thousand five-star ratings later, they blew up and... Fuck! They tried to seize the cheese and talk about chicks, STDs, so email in your inquiries and they'll sound all... Which means make fun of you! You might think it was to take advice from these two guys, but I wouldn't do it if I were you. You do you! You do you indeed. Why are you mad?

You sounded like that song with... Yeah. You go, why don't you do you? Why? Anyway, hey, welcome to the show. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And we're in your basement.

Where... You say that like you're mad. I am a little bit mad. Acoustically, it's great. This is like an amazingly soft, nice... Roach! Roach! Cock-a-roach! Cock-a-ro-cha! Cock-a-ro-cha!

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Ow! Ooh, that is a... I think it was a... It's half wasp. It's a white widow. Ten times as dangerous as the spider. Yeah, I was kicked out of my apartment, I think.

I had to vacate the premises very much so. Uh-huh, you were finally kicked out of the apartment for having what we call fake parties. You would crank the music up really loud and play a movie. So it sounded like you had guests and they were dancing. When the landlord knocked on your door, you only opened it just a crack. But he saw that it was bone-bare inside there. You were wearing pajamas. You ordered nine pizzas just to complete the ruse.

And they were just stinking up the hallway. It's small, man. You wanted to seem popular to your doorman? The police came and they eventually broke down the door and saw the sad, sad situation cracked up, high-fived each other and left. They left their gun on the table with one bullet. They said, trust me, this guy can do no harm to anyone but himself. In a perfect world, we'll hear a goddamn blast as we leave.

And we'll smile knowingly. Yeah. I feel like we are downgraded. We keep getting further and further away from a studio, like from rec room to my apartment to this cockroach infested basement. Hey, we have a lovely basement here. It's really a night. This is like the basement from that 70s show or something.

Yeah, it's really weird. It's a dark eclectic... It's a dingy little place. There's wallpaper. I haven't seen wallpaper in 25 years, I think. That was a weird thing that was popular wallpaper, like instead of just painting stuff. It's kind of interesting though. It makes sense.

I prefer wallpaper. I think it looks cool. Yeah, like just put a poster on the entire wall so that's what the wall looks like. Yeah, great. Why paint? And this wallpaper is bright pink, yellow, and it's a demonic anime princess monster sitting on a mushroom holding a mushroom as an umbrella. She's sitting on a mushroom and holding another mushroom.

Because that was... It was actually designed by someone on mushrooms. Look how many iterations there are of this girl. She has so many different... Yeah, it seems like it repeats, but it's completely unique. Yeah, wow. It's another thing we have to take a picture of and put on our Instagram. Yeah, we must.

So, yeah, different locations, same podcast. How does it work? We get emails. People email us in. There, questions, and conundrums, and sticky situations. And we do our best to help advise them to get out of them. And if we don't do that very well, hey, at least we make fun of them. At the very least.

And if we don't do that very well, then at least we tried, and at least we have a podcast, and you won't do jack shit except for listen to a podcast. Okay? You judgmental goon? You goon. You're a goon for that, I think. You're all goons. Stop saying goon.

Goons. Goonsy. Goonsy. Goons. So, should we throw ourselves right into it? Yeah. Let's get this party farted. Let's get it farted in here.

Let's get it in here. Get this party farted on a Saturday night. What else? Hey, you've got to hide your fart away. What is that? Who sings that? Bob Dylan? No, I think it's the Beatles.

Oh, yeah. Hey, you've got to hide your- It's just so weird. You're doing a Bob Dylan voice. Yeah. Hey, Jews, don't make it fart. Three half jokes. This is so convoluted.

It's Bob Dylan covering the Beatles. That's weird Al, but a dumb version. Oh, my God. My mind just exploded. I want to hold your fart. Hey, you've got that sun fart. I want to hold your fart, fart, fart. And it's a body.

That's top 41. Tom DeLong covering the Beatles as weird Al. Not just anybody, fart. You know, I need some fart. Oh, my gosh. All right. Now let's get started. We got that out of the way.

We got that out of our system. Thank gosh. So, these are real emails we're reading, but I'm going to give them a fake name to preserve their anonymity. Anonymity. You know what, before we get started, if you're listening to this on Monday and Tuesday

or Wednesday and you live in New York, we're doing a live taping of this podcast. You should definitely come. There's still some tickets available. This is your last chance. Last chance, please, please do yourself a favor. Hang out with us. We're going to be doing the show live

in front of a studio audience. For the first time since Comic-Con. Yeah, since Comic-Con. This is going to be our first, like, a crowd of people who came specifically for the podcast. Yeah, no guests. Just us. Just us and Mike.

It would be great because, like, right now, we've sold two tickets and I'm just afraid it'll be really echo-y in there. We need more bodies to diffuse the reverb. Please? Just come and wear your favorite sound blanket. It's that little field so you can go to our website at fireyshow.com for more information.

All right, let's get started. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Let's call this guy Prancer. Prancer. Prancer writes, Dear Jake.

All right. What up? Dear Jake, I was troubled with some lady problems recently. So about a few months ago, school started and there was this new girl who was rather attractive. Being as quick as I am, I called dibs in front of all my friends. She was totes flirting with me,

but my friend of five years asked me if it was cool for him to ask her out. I respectively reminded him that I had dibs and to let me work my magic. Then, the next week, the D-bag asked her out. Worse yet, she said yes. I decided to just wait it out because my friend isn't the best in relationships

and I knew it wouldn't last long. Fast forward to two months to now and they are still dating. There's a lot of tension between them and I can tell it's not going to last much longer. What should I do when they finally break up? Is there a certain amount of time I have to wait before I can ask her out?

I mean, after all, I did have dibs in the first place. Or, is this girl off limits? Also, they always kissed in front of everybody and I'm not sure I would be able to smooch her after seeing her swap spit with my bestie. Appreciate it, Prancer. Yeah, Prancer. You had, I think you had dibs.

I'm surprised you're friends with someone who doesn't respect that. The dibs? You had dibs. I mean, at that point, she's legally attached, associated in your possession. It's just two months worth of dibs

that you just threw away. It's appalling. It's appalling, that's what it is. He doesn't respect the dibs. He doesn't respect you. Jesus, she accepted his marriage proposal. And you had dibs.

You're getting married. It's a destination wedding. You show up. Holy cow, does anybody object? Is there any reason these two should not be wed? Speak now or forever or hold your peace? Yes, Your Honor. I had dibs. Everyone stands up,

gives you a standing O as you walk down the aisle, grab the smaller back and smooch her. Dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs. Oh, man. He wrote this email specifically to you because he thought you would respect the dibs.

You know what? Is there any level of dibs that you do respect? Being as quick as I am, I call dibs. She's not shotgun. It's not the front seat of a car. It's a human being that needs to reciprocate feelings. He just ran around

high school yelling dibs. First day of school, I get there at 7.15 a.m. I'm tapping everybody. That's how quick I am. Dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs. Shit, I don't know. But I'm going to call dibs just so nobody else can do it. I'll get back to you later, sweetheart.

Mila Koon is dibs. Natalie Portman dibs. I don't like that. I think she might be married, but that's kind of fucked up. Did her husband ever even call dibs? Or did he just ask her out, quarter make her fall in love with him, marry her and then give her a great life? I don't know. I call dibs.

Is he providing for you? Because I actually have dibs on this. I don't have a career or much in the way of a personality, but I am quick enough to call dibs. Yeah, sure. You bore his child and you're raising it together in a loving family, but

all due respect, Miss Portman. I do have dibs here. And shut up and kiss me, you dibber. I will, but just because your French ballet fucking husband needs to get the fuck out of here. Yes, I shall go away. You call dibs, I'm sorry.

Yes, dibs, the American. Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out of here. I have dibs. That means you leave and I stay the end. I got dibs on your chick. You know, there's no dibs. I think there's like...

Is there any part of dibs or any sort of calling dibs that you do respect? I don't... No, I don't respect anything. Or anyone. Well, what about like an emotional dibs? Like, somebody doesn't

necessarily call dibs, but you get to a place your friend is flirting with a lady for a while. You see that there's something going on. Would you swoop in? Would you be a swooper? No, I've never... I'm not a swooper. I don't swoop in. But dibs is sort of

like a lazy way of like, you didn't actually establish a relationship with someone, you just yelled dibs at her. I feel like dibs is like, sort of a fun game, but like, you can't be two months into it. Like, you should not still be thinking about the dibs that you called right now. Yeah, two months later, there's no dibs. Yeah, if we're hanging out with a new group of girls

and I say something to you like, oh, I mean, I would never say dibs, but like, I'm going after this one. And like, just to let you know. But I mean, also like, if you were like, oh, I'm so am I. Then I'd be like, you know what? May the best man win. Well, for me and you, I feel like you always just give it to me because it's like, you're like

a fat kid in a candy store. You're like, all you whatever the fuck. You could have dibs. And I'm like, I really just want that one little like, it's a really nice thing that I do for you back off girls and like, let you pursue them. And you just called me a fat kid in a candy store that says all you whatever.

So you take it. Don't you think it might just be a kid that really likes candy and it's like, hey, you eat that piece of candy, friend? No, no, because you like any piece of candy. You don't mind the candy. I have very specific tastes. So you're like, yeah, I'll back off this candy because I can have that one, that one, that one.

But I'm like, I don't want gummy, I don't want sour, I don't want raisins. You want that truffle. That sweet, that nasty, that truffle stuff. See, I feel like I'm looking at the like the case chocolate, the nice truffles. But then I'm all like, as I'm just chowing down on gummy worms, eating ice cream. Can I have the truffles too?

And then I'll spend the rest of my life with a truffle. I'm a puke. I think I had three pounds of fun dip last night. And she's still texting me. What's with her? She's crazy. She must have thought I was into her because I spent six hours eating fun dip or something.

That's another thing I do. I spend so much time convincing a girl to like me and like sleep with me. And then as soon as they're texting me the next day, I'm like, ew, what the fuck is this? Whoa, where does she get off? I'll tell you where she did get off. I didn't bring it on myself.

Let her know that that was an acceptable thing. And now, whatever, I suck. Well, for you, feelings and physical are two different things. You're like, whoa, just because I wanted to sleep with you doesn't mean I want to text and hang out with you. Yeah, absolutely not. I'm sort of a vampire. And during the day, just consider me ghost.

I will come out at night at 2 a.m. and if I'm still interested, you will hear from me. All right, how's that? I'm going to be watching the gray with Liam Neeson for the next two hours. You're watching the gray with Liam Neeson. Yeah, you're with Liam Neeson watching him just sort of getting commentary.

We did sort of a commentary, yeah. He thought it was his best work and I politely disagreed. I said, Mr. Neeson, you should be punching more things in this movie. Absolutely. An emotional vampire is a good way to describe you. Yeah.

An emotional vampire. During the day, your feelings burn and go away. And then at night, they come out like Nosferatu. Oh, man. What is it called? A reverse falling back into a casket. That's how you elevate?

I don't know what that's called. Like lifting a barn door. That's in the rigid body. That's your emotions coming out. I come out at night, man. Yeah. I only come out at night. You know that?

During the day, I sort of retreated to my own personal cave of anguish. I'm afraid to open up and be myself and to like to... I don't really like to put myself out there because I don't want to get hurt, so I actively hurt other people. No, it's hard.

It's hard to be me because I feel... I joke about these things. And what I'm really doing is I'm building a wall. I think it's keeping people out, but it might be... It might just be keeping me in after all.

Ha! I wish that voice only came out at night. That is just that all the time. This is you during a therapy session. Ha! And the honking... the noise, the honking noise. The ham?

Yeah, it's that tick, I guess. I sort of hate myself and can't handle me at all times. You want a ham and cheese sandwich? Ha! So, yeah, dibs. You don't get to call it.

And I think if you do call it, it's a fun game, but it's not a binding contract. It's not an oral agreement. You don't... It's one of those things that's just like... Everyone should just never respect this guy's dibs. They're just like, I'm so confused.

What's going on? Do dibs mean nothing? Dibs? No. Wait a second. Absolutely yes. Unspoken rule. A gentleman's agreement. Sir Elton Dibs created it in 1901. Why, I do believe I call her. And I shall call her me. Dibs.

All right, dibs, relax. You can't just call your name whenever you want to... Meanwhile, she's blowing him. Oh, my God. Dibs. Dibs is a pimp, I think. Have we answered him? Can't call dibs. Get over yourself.

Dibs is an actual thing. So I call dibs right away. And then I gave it... I asked him for time to work my magic. A week goes by and he asks her out. Like, yeah, of course. You can't just call dibs and then sit on it for a fucking two weeks while you're trying to work your magic.

The couple probably like... During their hook up session. Just like... Remember when he called dibs? I've talked so much shit about people during hooking up. It's my favorite thing in the world. What? Someone from someone and then making fun of them

while you're with a girl? What a mean thing that you do. What an evil thing. They can't even hear it. It gives me such a goddamn rush. I'm gonna destroy her. It's all a power thing. I'll know that I have...

That I'm gonna take some girl home and then I'll just let her talk to whoever she wants. And then I just like to walk up, grab her hand and leave. Oh man, do you remember at the bar that time when I was a kid that was freestyling? Trying to impress that girl that I was with? No.

Oh wait, remember you weren't there? I was with this girl. I'd taken her on a date. I came back. I was outside. Came back in. There was some dude just hitting on her. He was freestyling. And I just walked in and grabbed her hand.

I started making out with her. What is it? Why is it that you like the power? I don't know. It's just that fucking alpha move It's like you're asking what is it like? What are you insecure about? I don't know. I don't know enough about psychology but I don't feel insecure at all. So I don't know.

Maybe I'm just a piece of shit. Maybe I'm a monster. I feel like I've hurt... Oh no, you're just insecure. You need validation. No, I just really like having my dick touched. I don't think it's... I don't think it's valid. I don't know. But you do like swooping in and taking a girl from a group of guys.

Is that a different rush? Swooping like for my friends. But I guess I like... If you are with a girl and you know that she likes you. You like to see her hitting on another... Or a guy hitting on her. Yeah. And just standing there watching knowing that it won't work.

Yeah, I love that feeling. Tota. I really... We should do a... I guess it wouldn't be legal but for you to just go to a therapy session and that's the podcast episode. It's psychoanalyzing you.

If there's a therapist who listens to the show who's willing to do a session on Jake on microphone. Maybe that like defeats the purpose. Right, because I would still be like performing. Maybe like have a session with me and then like give the results. Okay, so

Jake suffers from narcissism, delusions of grand chill. Chill. I thought you were going to say I had a big... big peen. I thought you were going to proclaim that I was like by the end of the fucking session actually. This has turned into a private and now a public shaming of me.

A private shaming of me. That's okay. Intimate shaming for just me and my close podcast listeners. Just me and my 41,000 friends. Alright. Good. Dibs. Absolutely dibs.

Absolutely untrue. Next question? We called the first one Prancer. This one's from a lady. Is there a lady reindeer? I don't know the sexes of the reindeer but we call it reindeer dancer. Okay, dancer. This lady dancer. Tiny dancer, right?

Oh, Vixen. Yeah, Vixen. Vixen writes. Hold me closer, tiny Vixen. Hold me closer, tiny Vixen. Can't be heard. Weirdest fucking character ever. Lay me down. Lay me down. If you hate that,

you've been hating it for a while. You want us to stop. Well, it's not gonna happen. I love it. Had a different day today. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation

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free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code ifiru to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace. Alright so this guy really likes me and his friends have even gotten back to me about him talking about how much he loves me. I was in a group

with my friends and it was freezing outside and one of my best friends was between us and she moved leaving us right next to each other. I was wearing a thin shirt and I didn't have a jacket and he put his arms around me and pretty much held me really tight. Oh yeah. It felt nice and I feel like I'm starting to like him back. Good. I realize how amazing he is but he's starting

to do something. He's bringing hints on what I think is kissing me. He always talks about a dream shop he always talks about a dream he had about us and how he kissed now that I'm really falling head over heels for him I don't know what to do. Like I want to kiss him but I don't want it to lead to anything

more sexual and since when we go on walks we're always really close to each other so how do I all of a sudden kiss him? Do I just go in front of him and all of a sudden kiss him? Like seriously what do you guys think? What? This girl's the worst romance novelist of all time. My thin shirt, my breast getting

cold and he pushes me up against him and he talks about wanting to kiss me and I wanted to and he pretty much held me really tight. Yeah. And then suddenly he starts talking to me about how much he wants to kiss me but I just don't want it to

lead to anything sexual so I retract into my cave. This amazing man wants to kiss me but god forbid it leads to what? More kissing? No. This pervert, this disgusting slob. You

you strange, weird girl. What does she want? What does she want? This is the reason some guys are just like he held me really tight. It felt nice. She's a robot. This is the reason why some neurotic guys are like fucking like overthinking it

going crazy about ladies. It's like because sometimes the girl is this crazy like I held her tight, she said she liked it, I went to kiss her, she freaked out then she said oh I really want to kiss you so then I thought she wanted to kiss me but then she doesn't because she doesn't want it to lead.

Kissing is a sexual thing. My theory is that she's Italian. Oh. I feel like this is some kind of they're definitely not American, they're not English. I think that English is not their first language and I think this is like you know how foreigners are weird?

No, you know how a French person or a Spanish person can say they're so sexy like oh I had a dream where we kissed and you're like oh my goodness I had a dream where we made love and oh my god I'm so like turned on by that. This is like the first foray into that for both of them. Like I don't know

what I want but it's all about it's like all so lame it's like about a kiss or maybe they're like 14. Right 14 year old Spanish people. 14 year old Spaniards is the only way to explain this weird weird email. It's like this is the podcast is I decipher who wrote the question, not

give them advice. Have you ever wanted to kiss someone but you were afraid because you didn't want it to lead to anything more sexual? No I've only ever wanted it to lead to something sexual. Well kissing is sexual. Yeah kissing is the sexual destination you arrived at sexual. You're allowed to do something without having

like you are in control it doesn't have to go anywhere and if he tries and you don't want to then just say no and he'll stop or if he doesn't you should kill him. Oh my god what a violent advice. Well if he's gonna try to push her I think he deserves to be dead.

He deserves the death penalty for what he did to her. I'd like to give him the needle myself. That Pablo French person Pablo Francois there's Vixen so is there even advice like

her question is how do I kiss him? What do I all of a sudden kiss him? Seriously what do you think? Yeah you all of a sudden kiss him. Especially on a walk by yourself that's like one of the most romantic things you can do before a kiss. I think like and you don't have to do anything it sounds like he wants to kiss you he shouldn't be like too much of a baby about it just

like look at him for long enough that he has to kiss you. Are there girls who think oh I'll never make the first move? I think so and I think that's normal there's like that's like that's not fair I mean I'm not saying it's fair or equal but I think that like there is a girl who will never ever ever make

the first move. Well I feel like everybody should have exceptions to the rules. I don't think most of the time I've been in a situation where the girls made the first move I feel like most of the time I make the first move. But like the girl can do something that predates

the move like the precursor of the move. I guess like as long as we're talking about like the subtleties the girl almost makes the first move because it's like she has to give you eyes or swipe you right or match on hinge or match on okcupid or have a high curating on

match.com Let me at the bar or just be on Tinder yeah there's like I move so slowly because I fear rejection so like yeah because that's the opposite of making fun of a guy while you're with a girl that's being the guy

well when somebody else grabs our hands and walks out of a bar then you're like oh fuck this. Damn it. But like yeah you're talking you make a joke you like maybe oh touch her arm and see if she pulls away and then like oh now like we're sitting facing each other and knees are touching

now I'm gonna like move my knee now I'm gonna leave it here see if I move it like a quarter inch away and see if you match it. Oh a little experiment everything's like a little experiment. Oh my god it's so fucking fun playing games man shit. I'm gonna start texting please let me start texting. Oh god remember this morning my phone was dead

I was just so excited to turn it on I had 22 texts like oh they're all from your mom wondering what happened to your phone telling me my therapy appointment really needs to happen soon before I lose my fucking mind saying that you sort of get excited and off to all the wrong

races. Oh my god I dream about that sound which one? The text noise I'm gonna like you should change your text noise to like a bell dinging and then see if I can just ding a bell and get you hard

like a Pavlovian dick response. I'm gonna change my text coming into oh god yeah you should oh hell yeah. You just checked. I just was like I had two messages on OKCupid

why are you what's the point of OKCupid right now you're leaving New York City forever in 12 days 12 days we moved. So what's the what's the OKCupid game? Yeah what's the wait let's go out on a date. What's the first date

so what's up? I've just been packing I have to move across the country oh for how long indefinitely the foreseeable future for sure so if you want to get a second drinks with me let's do it on the 13th or else I'm actually yeah no gone forever

you know what's on last night together what do you think baby is this crazy I usually don't do this work so fast but I'm gonna go to the bathroom will you let that guy hit on you for five minutes and then I'm gonna swoop is that cool and if you can if you can remember his name so we can make fun of him later that would really be ideal

for me I really don't know why I'm on OKCupid still I haven't met anybody I just I mean it's the game you almost don't care about meeting someone messages god it's I'm sad well let's ease

into our break because I wanted to talk about a little update since you made me I shouldn't say made me I downloaded Tinder I did I mean like I I didn't make you make you but I definitely you were the one who put his knee 75% of the way there but I matched you 25% yeah yeah

and just I mean I all I downloaded it so yes technically you did um so after swiping a lot that night yeah and playing the game as you say not much activity on Tinder I gotta tell you

let me see you got one match yeah well I got two now you got two matches yeah you didn't tell me about that second one yeah I got to use the messenger no I don't know I just can't first for whatever reason I can't get into it I don't understand why

like swiping is fun but like but even like you said like since I downloaded Tinder you haven't really matched with anyone either yeah I I don't know what that is it just like a slow is it a slow thing is there too many people like and and I guess

I did match with someone and started chatting but like it didn't lead to anything right the app is also I feel like the app is glitchy sometimes yeah like why don't I match all the time actually it was really funny last night we downloaded on a girls phone and she was just drunkenly

swiping left and right left and right and she probably swiped within the first 15 minutes right six times and matched all six crazy like if you're if you're a cute lady on Tinder game over yeah just whoever you want nobody's gonna not and not only that but like they were

that means these people were active in like the last two minutes swiping her to the right that's true so I guess like I used to think that like oh man I should just not play for a long time and then like go on and I'll like get more matches yeah but maybe I'm just I should be playing all the time constantly I don't know

what the game is I will say also like that girl the dudes on Tinder are so abysmal like when I'm on Tinder I'm sweat like I see I mean it seems like it's maybe lower than 50% but a lot of the time I'm swiping right right

I would not have swiped right a single time with any of those guys no they're so busted which means if we in theory were better looking than busted that means I thought and then yet when we swipe to the right nothing happens yeah maybe we can convince ourselves

that those people haven't seen us yet but we all know the truth they're swiping to the left they swipe just left well do you think you'll keep on playing I don't know like it's such a slow burn that like when's the last time you were on it when you were just like

you know swiping girls checking out chicks maybe two days ago yeah you gotta be every time you're taking a shit I want you going through 100 girls Jesus yeah I'm serious 100 100 girls that seems like seems like a lot of effort yeah

but hey it's a lot of use in the meeting somebody in real life you know what I'm saying no it's not oh you were saying earlier that you've never met someone at a bar that night and like broken the ice in person you need to do it digitally first

right digitally or like have an introduction from a friend I can't look at a girl across the bar walk over and be like let me buy you a drink but if you don't have the confidence to do that then it really does I don't know there are people that have that confidence

that are like I have no idea but people do I mean that happens for people and I don't know what it is about me but I just like it maybe it's the fear of performance like the same thing that keeps you from wanting to do like stand-up yeah because it's like it's you putting yourself

out there 100% right too much too much putting myself out there you don't want to take a leap you want to like take big steps and there's also like sometimes we'll go to a bar and I could potentially buy them a drink but like I don't feel a bit a major attraction like I kind of like to build on something I like to like

see someone's pictures like start getting like getting excited like build up to it for like a couple days then meet up and then be like all right now it's like it's all culminating in this so what's your like average from beginning

to end what would you say is the process the average I feel like the way what happens for me most is I'll meet up with a friend who has another friend and I'll meet that person a cute friend and then we'll have fun

the night will be over and then I'll talk to my friend and be like what's the deal with your friend oh she actually asked about you I'm like oh give me your number and then we start texting she comes out another time but this time to see me and then that's it that's the that's the move that happens like 70% of the time

the rest of the time it's online online dating related Tinder is that friend of a friend yeah Tinder's the friend of a friend but it's usually like I always hook up with people like in circles like at work or at yeah in your Google circle

yeah in your Google plus yeah people in your Google plus or your Friendster extended networks I have a Friendster extended actually you know what let's let's answer this one other question because that was going to lead me to that other idea I had about an app but let's read this one first

ready this one comes from uh running out of time so let's say Rudolph Rudolph Rudolph the red nose reindeer writes Rudolph the red nose reindeer what the hell is that I don't know I can't do the Bob Dylan what was that how dare you

that was so kind of very shiny nose Rudolph the red nose reindeer first I love it more than anyone else possibly can Rudolph writes there's this girl that I have known for a while and she recently

and recently she started texting me more and more I like her so one night I invited her to a party we cuddled for most of the night but I didn't make a move when I should have and now I don't know how or when I will make the move I really think she likes me and I really like her but she goes to a different school

than me and I can't think of something to say I want to ask her I want to ask her somewhere but should I do that in person but we have no mutual events and I have no clue when I will see her again should I do it by text she and I are both really shy and I don't know how to bring

updating in our text conversations which are very casual how should I go at this you guys are amazing or you're just trying to sneak that praise in oops see you guys are amazing asshole you didn't even write it thanks Rudolph

so this is sort of related to the thing you were talking about how I said I wonder how often two people like each other and they're both too shy to make the move and if either one of them did it it would have been successful

but it's just completely unrequited because no one has the balls to go for it everybody is like just a little too guarded a little too self-preserving but like if one person made the move they would both be happy right so isn't there an app that can be like the middleman

like that'll force this attract like isn't that Tinder? no because Tinder you still have to you have to be the person that says I like you I want to make a move I want like a chemistry app where you're in a party right you log in and let's in a perfect world everybody

else is there a little circle in that party so you basically filled out a questionnaire that knows who you would be compatible not even a questionnaire like oh I see that girl across the room and she likes me and I like her I will draw a line from my circle to hers

and if she draws that line too it goes you guys both like each other just talk and hook up just talk loser I feel like it's like Tinder but on a micro level where it's just like for people in that room it should be like the Dumbo's

feather that made him fly or whatever like you should just have that app that you draw the line and it's always a match because that's all it is all you need is just like the confidence you know Vinny did this to me one time there was like a friend of his that he wanted to set me up with

and he was like oh so-and-so we'll call her dancer dancer dancer says like thinks you're really cute I'm like oh shit dope I'm gonna talk to her talked to her bought her a drink we like went on a bunch of dates and then

at some point it came out she's like yeah I'm like really happy you like told Vinny you were into me I was like no Vinny told me that you were into me and it turned out that he just like fucking he you lied to both of us yeah yeah it's like a app should be called placebo because it's not about actually feeling the connection

it's about having the confidence thinking that she likes you right exactly so like you just oh that girl just go like alright dope hey and like and then they just say hey because everyone's friendly I guess in a less dystopian way the best way to act is as though somebody told you that

they like you yeah that way you don't always conduct yourself just like go it go up to anyone acting like they like like like their friend just came up to you in a huff and said hey you should make a move because she's like super into you yeah and that is I mean maybe not

like super into you but I feel like people's default is like usually friendly and open right at least give it always at least worth a shot but there's I've also noticed recently that like if it's not happening with someone it's pretty apparent in the first minute yeah it's true

like there's almost like an instant judgment made yeah and it's like I for me it's impossible to overcome right I actually think I agree I feel like I could walk into a bar make one lap and be like um don't want to talk to that person that person

this person I could marry that one I could definitely date this one I could see me and her like hooking up maybe but I like I all snap judgments yeah but I feel like snap judgments a lot of time like your gut is often right right anyway what should we do about this cuddle bunny I mean you should

just swing the bat dude just text her you're she's shy you're shy but like you got to just be the less shy one right now if you want this to happen just text her be like hey let's go on a date yeah this is one of those things where if you if she asked you out you'd be thrilled if you asked her out you she'd be thrilled and neither of you guys are asking

the other person just be a man and text her be a man dude you write that text be a man and write uh sweet words into your magic box click on send put it down on the floor and see if she ever responds to you without ever having to look her in the eye or ask

her out in person but eventually I feel like it's like as passive as texting and online dating is it's like sometimes it's just sort of this they're evil so like one day maybe you guys will be like you'll finally be able to like break down those walls and have a real like human connection yeah and then you'll talk about the time where you guys uh

oh can you imagine a time where we were both too shy to ask the other person out how silly we were you know what you know what actually changed my mind was this uh this Bob Dylan loser on a podcast he was he was singing about farts and I think he's a hero he's amazing

what's the best way to courageously send a text like if you if you're if you are trying to hype yourself up direct do you remember oh fuck um I don't feel like I can't say anybody's names but we I wrote a text for a friend of ours and like the girls

yeah called it the text no that's what that's this brings us back to texting Casanova the website we need to build where Jake texts for you I wanted so bad you want you should be able to send the text for everybody the text maybe that's the name I wish I could remember what that text was but it was something

like um you know hey we should we should get a drink right it was I mean it was fucking way better but just the fact that like you have the courage to be that forward is right charming yeah super super confident because I mean you'd be really confident on a text who cares you don't have to be like hey what are

you up to tonight just be like hey I'd like to get a drink with you I'd like to watch a movie with you I'd like to cuddle you again you know it's you know it helps on a psychological level like uh just writing the text really quickly sending it and putting your phone down walking away yeah all right it's over it's done I don't know what I can't come back

I'm leaving maybe she'll write me back maybe she won't but it's over just assume you'll never hear back from her even though like you're secretly looking at the phone waiting for it to vibrate it's true how annoying is it waiting for a text message and your phone vibrates and you like look at it and it's just like an alarm or

it's worse not getting the one that you want yeah no I hate that but you know that's the that's another bad thing about the app that I brought up is like the fun is being able to like make a leap like if you know that someone likes you it's slightly

less exciting right it's true high-risk high reward but at the same time you're still getting play you're still getting play what you're still getting play yeah you're still getting play you really are playing I think this

basement is where I where you play in this place oh yeah it's cool I live with my parents but I still get like play and shit I get kid and play actually I'm always looking for random play on Facebook

alright so go for it that's our advice that's it that's it that's the show seize the cheese that's the podcast uh yeah we're out of time so thank you thank you thank you for listening in your continued support we really appreciate it viewership

is going up and it's thanks to you Jake for co-hosting this podcast with me we make it all possible this is amazing thanks to me if you weren't funny or charming or interesting to listen to I don't think anybody would tune in but you are and I couldn't do it without you man cause like all these wires

and shit I don't exactly know uh we're we're we're yeah I don't know like we're recording into final cut or some shit and uh yeah actually here oh no no no oh I can figure something out oh it's electrifying me

you are wearing rubbery gloves um yeah the oh the email address if you have your own own sticky situation your own difficult place your own conundrum your own problem your own what is the deal alright

uh the email to uh the email address to access us is ifiroushow at gmail.com and all this stuff is on our website which is ifiroushow.com or you can go to seizethecheese.com it's true we bought seize the cheese it's ours we keep getting emails there's this uh like meat market

in the midwest that's using seize the cheese as their like promotional tagline for like a cheese sale I really wonder if they stole it from us man they really they must have right this this this marketing manager at harvest market in Madison there's no chance at hell that it's a fucking parallel thinking man nothing nobody thinks of rhymes

quite like we do uh yeah and uh right live shows coming up the live podcast on Wednesday November 6th at 8 p.m. we're also going on a live tour with Streeter there's still tickets available we're going all up and down

the east coast in the midwest yeah so go to collegehumor.com slash ch on tour and by tickets if we're coming anywhere close to you even if you have to drive an hour okay yeah like an hour is like not even that bad you're really like oh an hour

that's how long it takes me to get to an hour I live about an hour outside of Madison how I'm like yeah okay well that's the this is the one time I'm fucking going to Madison yeah we're not going to fucking Eau Claire sweetheart sorry okay we're not we're not gonna go to Duluth Minnesota but we're gonna be in Minneapolis so see us there

what is this why are you mad I don't know please come see me in Madison it's so funny it's like we're gonna go to the show meet some fans she's like I actually wasn't gonna come but Jake's threat kind of scared me I think I think he was talking to me I'm anyway I'm Deborah from Duluth Dave from Dave

uh yeah and uh anything else we love you we really do oh that first theme song was from guy named CJ and this last one is from a dude named Colin please keep them coming we love them we love them to death

you weird radio we love them we love them to death that one's from CJ this one's from Colin and we are Rodney in the chopper Rodney have a look at the traffic I don't know here's uh what the fuck was that Rodney

black op count it's uh partly smoky up here it's uh 345 degrees at least that's what the gate says there's gonna be a pile up on I-95 going in going in hot oh the

humanities anyway thanks for listening to the show everyone bye