If I Were You - 34: Prop Quiz

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

In this episode we discuss pets, ages, and pets ages. Then we take a Jake & Amir test.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there now here's one more effort for only positive motivations they swear another podcast each app different from the last it's the Swiss army knife of Now that we meet you two emphatic hoooos Disappear You're having a caffeine high, I think That was just oat milk You hugged it though But there's like a trace amounts of sugar in there Yeah for sure

Watermelon sugar? You're jittery You're so jittery I'm fine, I'm not jittery, I'm happy, I'm happy to be here It's exciting to be back at it again Yeah, right Yeah Are you scared? I'm fine, I'm not jittery, I'm happy. I'm happy to be here. It's exciting to be back at it again. Right. Yeah. Why are you scared? I'm freaked out a little bit

because of what might happen today. Yeah, what's that? We have an insane show, a crazy lineup. I hope we don't. I thought it was pretty normal. Just a normal one. Just like standard four segments. Classic four segmenter. Yeah, but you, I don't know, you butt chugged cold beer

it seemed. I injected an edible. Yeah. And had an enema. Correct. No, it should be a normal one. It should be fine one. It should be like a classic, just a classic,

just a normal classic. How are you feeling? Are you sleeping? Did your dog sleep through the night last night? You're dancing, that's good. Everything's fine. Yeah, my dog unfortunately had seizures two weeks ago. Yes.

So it's been touch and go, but trending better since then. Okay. When it was just me and him, things were harder. He tortured you. He was skittish behavior up often throughout the night. Yeah. He was confused because of the medication he was on. Right, yeah.

And you were the only one there. Yes, exactly. Bearing the brunt. Yeah, I was a single parent. Yeah. Taking care of a special needs dog. on. Right, yeah. And you were the only one there. Yes, exactly. Bearing the brunt. Yeah, I was a single parent. Yeah. Taking care of a special needs dog. Uh-huh, yeah, tough. And if your child or dog or cat has epilepsy or seizures,

you know how scary it can be. Yeah, yeah, so it's like. So I'm watching in fear, hoping that he doesn't see me. So you're on edge all the time, and then he's also needing other stuff. Yeah, okay. Then you get acc edge all the time, and then he's also needing other stuff. Yeah, okay. Then you get acclimated to the drugs and the medicine, and you start calming down a little bit.

And then coupled with Avital coming back from her tour, now it's like a little bit more calm and copacetic. Still not completely back to normal slash out of the woods, but trending up. But much better. Yes, exactly. And Avital came home, she's like, what were you complaining about? This isn't that bad. He's not the woods, but trending up. But much better. Yes, exactly. And Avital came home, she's like,

what were you complaining about? This isn't that bad. He's not whining, he seems fine, he's happy. Yeah, he's fucking, he's blackmailing me, he's framing me. Leave again and we'll see if he does it. And she does and he whines to me because I think I'm a pushover to him. He whines for food and I give him the food.

Oh, that's really fascinating. I spoil the boy. Yeah, okay. So he knows how to get it from you. And and I give him the food. Oh, that's really fascinating. Yeah, I spoil the boy. Yeah, okay. So he knows, yeah, he knows how to get it from you. Yeah, and now I understand parents that medicate their kids, my kid's not going to sleep, so should I just give him melatonin or something prescription to get him to sleep?

Yeah, because you're like anything to get him to leave me alone. Yeah, or should I give him an iPad for three hours? Yeah, yeah, and you gave Luke an iPad, right? Yeah, and he fucking ate it. He ate the pad. Because he's so hungry. Well actually I give him a mat, a pad of yogurt and peanut butter that's frozen,

so he licks it, and that takes a little while. That's the equivalent of an iPad. Right, yeah. But that takes him what? That takes him 30 minutes, and then he looks at me, and he's like, maw! That wasn't even close to enough. Thanks for the appetizer!

I'd hate to see why that would make you look bad. This is me like having a weird paranoid nightmare. You're having a sea-sher. Yes. But prayers up for the little one and he's doing better, thankfully. Love we know. But we'll keep you posted, of course. Thank you.

As everyone here also deserves to know, have updates as well. Dingo turned two the other day. Oh, that's nice Very far from death. Yeah, we For the second year in a row. Mm-hmm forgot his birthday. Oh My god, did he notice he did it? But we did and it felt so bad what day is his birthday May 31st, you know what day he was born Yeah, we got because we got him at that like a specific golden doodle shop. Yeah, yeah, where they they actually put down

three other stray dogs. Genetically engineer. They throw puppies from a high kill shelter into a wood chipper. They feed the puppies, the mommies, that you can get the perfect little doodle. Yeah. And I think you returned two of them because they weren't quite golden. Right. Yeah. More of more of an Auburn on this one. No, they just throw them off the cliff and you're like, I'm paying you $15,000 for a perfect doodle. Yeah. Yeah. Fifteen. That would be a steal. I would be a steal. That was how much we spent on his birthday present. Did you do anything ultimately for his birthday? No, well, kind of, kind of.

I took him to the park. That's nice. But I do that sometimes, you know, on unspecial days. I think last year we got him like a pup cup. That's nice. And this year I gave him a big bone, but I don't think I did anything that was extra special. Mostly I just forgot and that was really sad.

Actually dealing with a senior dog as I have, my advice to you is to put Dingo down at age three. That way he sort of live in his best life and then it's over. You don't have to like see the suffering. Cause like dealing with like medication and like slowing down, nobody dealing with like, you know, medication and slowing down, nobody wants to see that. And the same goes for parents, grandparents.

And everybody, yeah. We should all sort of bow out at the height of health. It's unfortunate that you're seeing it happen in the dog and knowing that it's gonna happen everywhere else in your life. Yes, exactly, it's a harbinger, it's a canary in the coal mine. Right, right, right.

So as bad as that feels, I just look, I zoom out and I realize, oh, wait a minute, we're all hurtling towards this eventual cliff that is aging. And all you can really do is enjoy the ride unless, of course, you are the ride itself is bumpy. And then you're seeing, yeah, the ride kind of come to an end for someone. You can't really enjoy that. I had a dog growing up, but I've never had like a dog like that. I feel a care for, like I'm the de facto owner slash caretaker between me and Avital, yeah.

Would Luke's life be better if he was dead? As of now, no, but there will be a point where we have to make that decision. And it feels like, much like childbirth, I'm like, this is such an insane, miraculous thing. I can't believe everyone goes through this, that like, putting a dog down is seems like the most biggest tragic thing.

I'm like, I can't believe everybody that has a dog eventually has to make a decision. Sooner kind of rather than later, cause they live 10 to 15 years, that you will have to say, kill them and hold them while they die. I'm like, that doesn't seem worth having a dog. No, well, I think people that do that, just they experience that grief so acutely,

and it's so just inside their family, and you really can't relate to anybody that hasn't done it. So that's probably why you are like, oh yeah, I can't believe other people do it. It's like, well, they do it and they just, they don't talk to you about it. Or like you haven't been able to- My friends have done it,

but they haven't opened up to me about it. Or maybe, yeah, just like you really don't know how hard it is. And I haven't even gone, I've like lost dogs from growing up, but when I didn't have a dog, I had friends that were putting their dogs on, oh man, that's rough, that sounds really hard, I'm sorry.

You say that's rough. Yeah. Nah, I'm just fucking with you, let's play frisbee. Hey, you want a bone? Why don't you, you can be my dog. But now, now having a dog and knowing how much I love him, if I hear anybody going through that with their dog, I'm like, oh, I can't even imagine.

Yeah. I can't even, it's like hearing somebody lost a parent or something. Exactly. It's almost worse because like the parent is like, you grow up with having a parent knowing that it'll eventually go away. With a dog, it's like, I am above the dog. I'm taking care of this dog.

The dog relies on me so heavily every day. Unrequited, unconditional love. Yeah, yeah. dogs are beautiful creatures. I'm gonna wish Dingo a happy early birthday. Number three. Yeah, yeah, I'd say it's a special pain and joy. Hopefully the joy's worth the pain. For sure, yeah.

That being said, Luke is still alive, so ask me after his demise to see if it was actually worth it in the long run. God, well it's too late for me. Maybe I'll get four cats instead. People tend to not care about cats as much. Is that true? No, that's just what I'm telling myself in order to cope.

Okay, we're gonna start with a classic. Let's not talk about mortality slash dogs aging. Let's start with a classic segment. Okay. 50 like tweet with a classic segment. Okay. 50 like tweet. That is correct. Have you gotten one of these yet? Have I gotten a 50 like tweet?

I feel like we haven't gotten you to, or maybe one time we did, but like we moved it to 100 and you didn't get that. Yeah, I thought there was one time where I hit 50. Or unless, I don't know, one time I didn't hit 50, I think one time I might've hit 50 and one time we moved it to 100 and I didn't get that. Yeah, they all eventually get to 50,

but the hard part is doing it within the content of the episode. I may have never gotten one. Yeah. But I think at the very least, I got it, but we had moved away from it, counting for money. Right, so we're no longer doing it for cash, we're doing it for clout. Okay, so I have an idea for this tweet.

You know those tweets that start with like, I don't know who needs to hear this, but. Yep, yep, yep. Or like, we need to have an honest conversation about X. Yeah, exactly. So my tweet idea is, I don't know who needs to hear this, but your penis isn't that weird Jake

Okay, you often go blue with these yeah, yeah, which sometimes it's to the pros sometimes it's a detriment Yeah, this one is specifically about you, right? Which is a little bit gaming the system But I won't yeah, I won't veto Right, because I thought about it being you. Yes, Amir. Yeah, but then people would know. Asking for a friend style joke. Right, exactly. Yeah.

And I think that that would tip everybody's hat that it was, or tip our hand. I think they'll think it's a 50 like tweet thing. You think so? Because it's your name specifically in the tweet. Yeah, maybe. Would it be just as good, I have a tweet, but maybe not performed as well,

if it was a random person's name, like a friend that they don't know. Yeah. Like, I don't know who needs to hear this, but- Your penis isn't that weird, Kyle. Yeah. Yeah. And then hashtag Kyle Rittenhouse.

That's great. That's good. That's good. I don't know who needs to hear this, but your penis isn't that weird, Kyle Rittenhouse. Yeah, yeah. That is great, but that's not my tweet. No, you're obvious.

I want the Jake in there, because I do think people will appreciate you at you to hear this, but your penis? Your penis isn't that weird Jake comma Jake top of Jake I don't know who needs to hear this comma but I don't I don't know who needs to hear this mmm no no no punctuation the entire thing I don't know who needs to hear this, but your penis isn't that weird, Jake. No punctuation.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not no punctuation. The common Jake. I don't know who needs to hear this. Semicolon. What? M dash hashtag space space. Yeah.

What do the other people that do tweets in that style do? I'm not on Twitter. I'm sure it's all over the place. I don't remember. But this looks fine. The way it's, I don't know who needs to hear this comma, but your penis is in that weird comma, Jake. Yeah, okay, that's it.

Okay. That's it. In case we can get it on the big board once I tweet it. Yep. All right. Hashtag Kyle Rittenhouse. It's too late. Really? And because you were able to game the system

and include your name, I'm not giving you that retweet power. There will be no signal boost. Well, yeah, that's fair. Okay. So it has to happen on natural. Okay. Well, we're not even, it's not even for anything.

Yeah, I guess not. Unless you wanna come up with stakes right now. What stakes would you take? $25,000? That seems high, but is enough for a new dog, so maybe it's worth it. Casey, do you need me to DM you the tweet, or will you be able to do it?

I think so. Twitter is weird. It's showing me Amir's tweets from 2020 first. Yeah. Elon killed that shit. I love what he's done with the place. I think it's awesome. I think the Tesla truck is cool.

The Cybertruck. The Cybertruck's awesome. If I gave you a free Cybertruck, would you drive it around as your primary vehicle? Or would you feel too self-conscious? I wouldn't like to, no, I don't think so. Free Cybertruck, but you gotta drive it once a day for a year.

And then I could sell it? Once a day for two years and then you can sell it. What if I, I wouldn't be able to like travel. You could travel. But I'd have to drive the Cybertruck. Yeah, no, you could travel and then bring the Cybertruck. But all right, so I'm in LA for three days right now. I would not be able to drive my Cybertruck.

That's void. Really? You owe me $100,000. Yeah, absolutely not, absolutely not. Okay, six months, you have to personally drive the Cybertruck every day. Every day. And then you can sell it.

How much do they cost? I think 100 grand. I guess like six months of doing nothing and then making like around a little less than 100 grand because you know, I'd have to, I'd probably wanna, you can't just think about what my take would be because there's the cost of doing business. I have to-

Opportunity cost of opportunities squandered. Yeah, and I mean, I'd have to probably pay for a garage for it because I couldn't just leave it out on the street. Oh my God, it already has nine likes. That's amazing, it's a runaway hit. This is viral, it's absolutely viral. We gotta finish this episode as quickly as possible.

All right, 194 views, nine likes. This is the best performing one so far. Really, even better than Fuck, Marry, Kill, Sex, Marriage, and Murder? That I don't know. We'll have to pull both of those. That one went great. I don't think it went great, but it did well, yeah.

We're still at nine. Let's take a break, come back, do another segment, and keep our eyes on the like prize. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. For real. We all carry around different stressors, big or small.

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Yeah. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Good on ya. We're talking about the best mattress ever. Of all time. The GOAT. The GOAT of all time mattress. The GOAT. And you can speak from experience, Jake.

You sleep on a Helix. That's right. And I'm actually sleeping on a not Helix right now while I'm in LA and it sucks ass. It really does suck ass. Yeah, sucks ass. To go back to a Helix is divine though. I cannot wait.

I miss my wife, my family, but really, really miss that bed. Well, you probably have only one of their award-winning 20 unique mattresses, including that award-winning Luxe and Ultra Premium Elite Collections. Yeah, I do have just one, but I have the top tier. But how do they know which mattress is perfect for you?

Well, you take- You took the sleep quiz, right? An exam. You take the sleep quiz and they sort of match you with the, like- You heard of the MCAT. Yeah. You heard of the LSAT.

Yeah, these are 20 hour long. You heard of the SAT, you're the PSAT. Yeah, those are all really important exams. Well, maybe not the PSAT, actually. Right, not the PSAT. Yeah, that one's just sort of a practice test maybe not the PSAT actually. Right, not the PSAT. That one's just sort of a practice. So it's closer to that one. This is a sleep quiz.

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And it will not last long. So hop on it, get on it, take that quiz. And remember with Helix, better sleep starts now. Test, but yeah. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. This tweet is officially, get off your phone. I'm deleting it. Is it, no, do not delete it.

This is probably the best performing tweet you've ever seen in your life. Have you ever seen a tweet get one repost, one quote, and 19 likes? Can we see what the what the tweet is who fucking retweeted this with it wasn't me It wasn't me login Casey login Casey login. I might be able to pull it up. I don't remember my login unbelievable That somebody retweeted it with the commentary damn. That's awesome. Yeah, that like damn that is damn That's a fucking great tweet.

Somebody said- 23 likes, shut it down. Shut it down. All right, I'll do it. Twitter is broken. Twitter is out, we just crashed fucking Twitter with this tweet. There's no way they still call it X after this, right?

Oh yeah. They have to call it penis or Jake or something in honor of. A 50 like X. What is it called now when you tweet? Oh, it used to be called a Zete. It's not really called that anymore? Yeah, it's just a post or a tweet or something.

Well, awesome. Yeah, okay. Oh yeah, so I have a game. Yes. And the game is called Prop Quiz. I like the name. Yeah, this is a, it's a game wherein I list props from Jake and Amir episodes.

I went through, I found emails with our producers, call sheets, scripts where we're asking for specific props for specific videos. Wow. And your job is going to be guessing the video when I list the props. Okay, so you give me props, I give you titles. Yeah, now it was a little hard

because oftentimes we will have a prop and name the episode after that prop. Right, exactly. Like if I said a Girl Scout sash, you would be like, oh, okay, yeah, right. All right, we'll start with an easy one. This one's kind of a gimme. And feel free to play at home or no? Yeah, feel free to play at home. Okay, yeah, right. All right, we'll start with an easy one. This one's kind of a gimme. And feel free to play at home or no?

Yeah, feel free to play at home. Okay, cool. Prop, fake blood and eight to 10 cartons of milk. Blood and milk. Is it the Milkman episode? That's correct. Wow, what did we use fake blood for? I don't know.

I think maybe there's the part two where you... He head butts you. Oh, okay, yeah. I think he head butts you. And I have bleeding. Yeah, I think so. Okay. Or he head butts me.

Yeah. There is blood and milk involved. Okay, well that's that. That's good, that's a good warmup. Yeah, all right. The prop. Powder makeup thing. Oh, like that?

Yeah. Yeah, I remember doing that. The trick is to put it on evenly or something like that. Something like that. It's like, is it the one where I have a fashion blog? Fashion blog. Jake and Amir fashion blog? Yes.

No. What? That is from Jake and Amir powder. So I have a fashion blog in a separate episode of this one I'm putting on consumer. This one, it are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing?

I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing?

I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing?

I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you up and you're like, yes, that's right. Then you start putting makeup on with the powder and I'm absolutely appalled at it. I'm like, whoa. What are you doing?

It's like, what? I do the subway thing all the time. It's like, no, you're wearing makeup. It's a little foundation. And then you say they have a greasy T-zone. This is actually the one where you talk about how you got a bunch of Brazilians and your dad moves. It's a good one.

Can we refresh the tweet? You're so preoccupied. It's a thousand likes, 43 likes. This is amazing. I'm running away with it. I'm running away with it. There's two reposts at this point. People are loving this.

They're dancing in the streets. Have you ever seen something that transcends X? They're having a fucking parade for this. People are dancing at a gas station on Hillhurst. Yeah. Last time I saw everybody come together was like when they declared the election for Biden. Yes. Yeah. This is a bigger deal than that.

Yeah, because everyone hates him now. This is a big deal. Yeah, this is a huge fucking deal. Okay, the props. There's one that's gonna give it away, so I'm gonna read these other ones first. You can stop me if you think you know the episode. Lightning round, yeah.

Props, a cigarette, a skirt, a shirt that says, I'm not good. A cigarette, a skirt, a shirt that says, I'm not good. Yeah. Okay. And then there's one other shirt that will give away the episode. So I want to see if you can guess it without. Am I wearing the skirt?

You are wearing the skirt. Oh, so is this the fashion blog one? This is not the fashion blog one. There's one where I'm like wearing a dress over my shirt. I think so, yeah. That's unrelated. Unrelated. A cigarette, am I smoking the cigarette?

I think at one point you are smoking the cigarette, yes. You're also wearing the skirt. And you say, I say you're wearing a skirt and you respond, it's jeans. I don't remember. The other shirt is a shirt that says, the worst part about donating blood is the feeling of giving. Got it, yeah. I don't remember. The other shirt is a shirt that says, the worst part about donating blood is the feeling of giving. Got it, yeah.

It's from Jake and Meir blood donation. Yeah. I'm smoking a cigarette in it? Yeah, for one of the cuts. All right, this one you should also be able to get. So I'll give you two of the props before the one that'll give it away. Prop, a chalkboard, a chalkboard.

Oh, bread. That's right, the other one is a live rabbit and a loaf of bread. Fun fact about bread, the original live rabbit was supposed to be a baby chick. Oh really? Yeah. So we had it as a chick and then we couldn't get a chick but we can get a rabbit.

We got a rabbit from Petco around the corner or something or from some pet store. And then a PA that day brought the rabbit home. Oh, they still have the rabbit. This was 10 years ago, I'm sure the rabbit is dead. But here goes that pet mortality thing again. Prop, water bottle, canned food and a slice of ham. Water bottle? Water bottles, canned food, and a slice of ham. Water bottle?

Water bottles, canned food. Canned food and a slice of ham. Part of me wants to say it's the one where I'm like eating a bag of chips and then I like rip through the chips and then I start eating my own leg and we used, I think, sliced ham for like the skin. Oh, interesting. That's not that.

Okay. But that does ring skin. Oh, interesting. That's not that. Okay. But that does ring true. That does track. Is there one where I like piss in bottles around the office to like save time or something like that? That's, sounds familiar. Yeah, I don't think you, I don't remember. It sounds like something you would do,

but it doesn't sound familiar, if that makes sense. All right, let's make a new episode like that. Yeah, that's good. I can give you the first line of the episode. Okay. You walk in holding a piece of ham. And saying, I have water bottles. And you say, we go in ham.

It's a tiny little half piece of ham, a single slice. Water bottles is really tripping me up. Yeah. I don't know, I don't know this one. Water bottles and canned food, kind of like a... Oh, the hurricane one? That's exactly right. The one that was shot in my apartment.

Yes. Yeah, after Sandy, hurricane relief, I think it's called. Hurricane Sandy really fucked things up up there in the Northeast. Yeah, for a minute. We didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but like, it cut off powered Manhattan for like a week. And specifically in the I. We didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but it cut off powered Manhattan for a week. And specifically in the IAC building,

because it was on the West Side Highway, right next to the water. It flooded, we couldn't work there for a month. Yeah, that was a huge deal. Yeah, it was a huge deal. And then every time a hurricane came after that, we're like, uh-oh, this might be another Sandy and it never quite was.

No, that was the worst one. There's two more here. Okay. The props for this one are a rope, a gag, a brick, and a stapler. Oh, I know this one. You're like shooting a stapler, or they're like shooting staplers at me. They're trying to kill me. John Wolf is in it. Is it a dog, Rotem? In Dog, in Rotem, they build an effigy of you and desecrate it. With a noose, though.

Yeah, that's not this. Oh, this is in the LA office. Everyone's trying to kill me. Oh no, wait. This is, secret Santa too. I'm in a costume and they have a rope around me and they're like pulling me apart. Oh, they try, no, that's not it.

You're wearing a onesie with shit stain on the back. Yeah, that's not this. Oh wait, wait, John Wolf staples my neck. Yeah. So this is in the LA office. We just got there. It's actually in the New York office. Really?

In that one, I think somebody also tries to staple your neck and Michelle Santoro spits on you. They are trying to, I forget, but there was some sort of group activity. Yeah, yeah, right, exactly. Trying to hurt me. Yeah, you have the theme of the episode. This is from Jake and Amir's sandwich email.

You antagonize everyone to the point of them. I come into work, I find you tied up and I'm like, what happened? And then you're kind of telling me the story one way, but I'm like catching up on the email as you're lying to me. Is that based on the cake email that I used to send? I think so, I think so.

We talked about the cake email, I think we have. I think so, I think so. Does people, we talked about the cake email, I think we have. I think we have. The basic gist is that my mom used to send me cakes on my birthday. At one year I said, there's free cake in the office. Right. And then like every two weeks after that I'm like, hey guys, I either sent that by accident

or you guys shouldn't have had the cake. I need it back. Yeah, actually I need the cake. I don't know why that happened, guys shouldn't have had the cake. Let me know who- Yeah, actually I need the cake. I don't know why that happened. Let me know who ate the cake. And didn't you send it one time like a year or two later? Yeah, I'm still following up on this. I know-

Let me know who had the cake. Yeah, exactly. All right, this is the last one. This one's the hardest one. Prop, a mug of hot tea. Oh, full body cast. The hardest one, prop, a mug of hot tea. Mm. Oh, full body cast. That's an interesting idea. You do. Don't I like lift cereal tea?

Yeah, oh yeah, you do. Yeah, but I thought it was cereal. I think it's cereal. You're wearing a full body cast. You go down, you bite cereal, and then you toss it up into your face. That's not this episode That's a really good one. Yeah, you're like you don't even eat

Why now are you trying to expand your really good barely eat? I've never seen you eat before don't have coffee like I gotta watch this Yeah, I You gotta wash this down with a hot, it's all hot black coffee. Yeah. Ah! Ah! I love the delayed scream.

It's so dark. Yeah, you're frightened and then, ah! Adrenaline kicks in. Slow it up. Ah, I don't know what this hot tea one is. This is a, it's a tea party joke in Jake and Amir Vote Part 2. Vote, wow.

Yeah, which in that, in the back room, in the green, the green screen room, there's one of the lines where you like make a face, I say, that's the worst face you ever made. Yeah. I forget the face. But there's tea involved? Yeah, at some point you say, this is like, that sounds like tea party rhetoric or whatever,

and you've splash hot tea in the face. Wow. Do you think somebody listening got all of these? Yeah. I think sandwich email was really hard, because you can, right, that's happened in several episodes. We should have a trivia game with two people that watch the most episodes.

So if you did get all of those right, let us know in the comments below. It would be fun because like there's a lot of them like, you know, that have fake blood, puke, shit, and you're like, okay, so this could be anything. And then also a check. You're like, oh, okay, SEO, talent show. You're trying to cross reference all the different props.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so if you got them all right, let us know below in this YouTube video and then maybe one day we'll feel inclined enough to have some sort of Jake and the Mirror trivia night. That's awesome. And we'll refresh the tweet when we get back. We have to leave them wanting something,

but we all know it's a thousand, a hundred thousand. I see the paparazzo gathering outside. I don't know how the hell they know that I'm here, the tweets author, when it was from your account, but maybe- It ends with your name. Yeah, yeah, it could be. Also I'm here, so even if it was them looking for me, they would be here. I don't know if I have a sound bite.

They're going to obviously ask for a quote and I've already given this. So it feels a little aggressive to be like, hey, we need a quote. And like, well, you've already gotten my best work. So I don't know what you want me to say. Maybe I'll do, I could do like a no comment type thing. I could say no comment.

You wouldn't ask Michelangelo to like, what's your followup to David? That's just like enjoy the fucking staff. I'll enjoy it, yeah. Why don't you just look at the fucking art and leave me the fuck alone. I'm trying to live a private life. And they both have to do with a small weird dick.

Yeah, that's true. Both the tweet and David. Could I, I would, I definitely still wanna be with Jill and like my family and stuff. But if this goes so viral, could I? Get a Sabrina Carpenter type. Yeah, could I get a Kardashian? Could I date a housewife?

Could I, I don't know, homie hop to a Margot Robbie or something crazy like that? I don't know how viral you have to go on Twitter, but I mean, there's already 1,300 views. To homie hop to Margot Robbie, it'd have to be. Or an Anne Hathaway or an Anne Haich. Haich, I'm pretty sure, has passed. Really?

Yeah, she got into a pretty brutal car accident. Let's- Drove into someone's house or something. Is that true? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah, had some sort of psychotic meltdown, I believe. Oh my God, I think I need, I have to-

Let's take a break, regardless of the hate stuff. have to, I gotta. Let's take a break regardless of the hate. Yeah, let's definitely, let's take a beat. Let's regroup. Yes, yes. Let's regroup. And we'll look up. Yeah, I don't know if I wanna see it. Okay.

Thank you to Schedule 35 for sponsoring this episode of our show. That's right. You know, there's an emerging movement around psilocybin. Oh. Which is proven to help with mental health, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Hell yeah. Yeah, I guess microdosing psilocybin, which is proven to help with mental health, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Hell yeah.

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God, we must have said that 10,000 times. Yes, and each time we mean it. Each time I said to myself, I will gladly say 10,000 more. Yes, exactly. Because Squarespace is a website that lets you build your online store your online portfolio And it makes it so easy hell even Jake could do it Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm frozen. Good to be rebooted. He's stuck. I built my soon to be online store on Squarespace.

Soon to be online store. That's right. Because I was able to purchase a domain name through Squarespace. What's the store? Don't call me a visionary. Call me a Vision Scary. VisionScary.com. VisionScary.com. What do you sell there? I'll sell you nightmares. Yeah, that makes sense actually. You do that for free now.

For $10 I'll include an image of a crab that slowly crawls into your eyes while you sleep. Great. For example. And me, I'm a bit of a fuckery boy. Meaning? Fuckeryboy.com, find out. So to my fuckery boy or vision scary, if you wanna squat these domain names

before we get to them, you can purchase your domain name through Squarespace and you just go to squarespace.com slash segments to create your free website. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code, segments at checkout. Love it. That's 10% off, that's correct.

10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Boom. By going to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. And then when you're ready to buy, just use that code segments. Right on. Thank you, Squarespace.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Handsome. And we're back. Okay. What do you think it is? You think it's over a hundred at this point? We haven't refreshed since 43. It could be in the millions for all we know. It's not in the millions.

It could have caught fire. It's not. I'm honestly. It's not gonna halt or catch fire. It's gonna be somewhere in like the 80 to 120 range. This fucking tweet just put headgum on the map. Do you understand that? I unfortunately think Headgum's already on the map.

Yes, it is. But this one is now this, we can go international because this has made international news. This has made headlines. We could have an office in London and Sydney and Hong Kong. I deleted the tweet. Why? Why would you do that? I didn't want it to go to your head.

It's clearly too much. Even at 43. Imagine what happens if we break 100. Let's refresh it. Drum roll, please. Please. What do you think? I don't know what to say.

I'm crying because I'm happy. I guess I'm just emotional. I think there's a lot of, you know what it is, man, I work so hard. I try, I try, I try. I think there's a lot of unseen work know what it is, man, I work so hard. I try, I try, I try. I think there's a lot of unseen work in what I do and it's not easy, it's not easy and there's not a lot of, excuse me, there's really not a lot of like benchmarks for success.

You don't often get to see, I can't believe I'm crying this much. I can't either. But like, but it's hard to But it's hard sometimes to give a face to your success, to be able to point to something and say, I made that, I built that. Do you see that? You do have a company and a child.

And I hate that this came from your account because people are gonna maybe it's so mistakenly associated with you. Yes, of course. Of course they will. But it's nice because I can always, people are gonna maybe mistakenly associate it with you. Of course, of course they will. But it's nice because I can always, I can always look at this. I can always point to this as a North Star,

as a beacon of hope, as a way to say your effort, your work, it doesn't go unnoticed. And someday you too can have a tweet that reaches four reposts, two quotes, and 97 likes. And that's 3559 views. And it's been 30 minutes, man. You have to admit it's been 30 minutes.

Sure, but that's the most fertile 30 minutes. It's miraculous, it's amazing. Why don't you say something positive about it? Because I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. It's your best attempt at a 50 like tweet. Thank you. You've surpassed it for the first time since we started playing this game.

Did you cheat a little bit by adding your name to it? Would it have done as good with a Kyle? Would it have trended with a written house? I don't know if it necessarily would have. And would the Sistine Chapel have done as well if it wasn't God and Adam? Like that's the fucking point of the tweet. You're saying, yeah, oh, you know, if you,

if Picasso, what if it was a starry day instead of starry night? I think that was Van Gogh. Okay, well, whatever. Exactly. Yeah, you wanna change the art? No, then yeah, I wouldn't have done as well, but I created this Is it is my it's in my image? Let's refresh and see the hundo at least 105 likes I fucking quit.

Yeah. We're not even done with this episode. And I'm very much done with you and your negativity. I obviously don't need you except to log into your Twitter every once in a while so I can craft some jokes and have them go absolutely viral. This is. I don't know who needed to hear this,

but your penis is in that weird shape. And here, look at my dick. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. Because it is really weird. No, we can't do that. All right, one last segment. Yeah.

Depending on how long it lasts, of course. Okay. I was able to, talking about our business, I was able to sell another podcast app. That's incredible. Podcast ad, I should say. Yeah. This one is a live in episode host read ad.

Okay. So I did just get the copy and I was able to email it to you. So if you don't mind, we can read. This is baked in. Yeah, it has to be baked into the ad. Okay. Not as a mid-roller.

Yeah, of course. So we have to sort of give it our all. And I know this is your first time reading it. Yeah, so I'm going in a little cold, but that's fine. I am kind of a viral Twitter writer. Exactly, so you have an X as I call it. Bingo. And it's just one ad this time.

I usually sell two, but this one had such a high CPM that I didn't even have to sell two ads. Okay, that's amazing. So this is, just so you guys know, sponsored content, obviously. Don't skip ahead, we need the views, we need the clicks. Jake did not write this, but he will be endorsing this product implicitly.

Yeah, all right, ready? Coke, blow, snow, yay, yak, crack, Charlie, dust, bust, cum, and Nova. You know what these are terms for? Cocaine? Lox. No way, I mean, maybe the last one, but you said yak, you said Charlie.

It's the marbling and fattiness that give the salmon a silky quality that babies and fishermen both love. And you know the best way, or excuse me, best place to get lox would be is? I mean you're clearly high or something like that. I'm in love with the salmon! What? Baking salmon! I got bacon salmon!

What's the product? A fat bag of that yeyo! I got bacon salmon! What's the product? A fat bag of that yayo! So cocaine! No! It's a webinar on fishing. Called a fat bag of that yayo. Exactly right. And it's hosted by yours truly, Gideon Yayo. That's you? That's Gideon Yaygo.

Hosting a webinar? On how to to fish you know what they say teach a man to fish and they'll have cocaine for a day, right? So it is cocaine tickets are a lot, but if you use my coupon code There's cocaine in the fish that'll get you 80% off. I see so you're hosting a webinar Sending people fish filled with drugs or something. Not sure how or when you got that idea. Actually for legal purposes, I may shift gears entirely. Moisture wicking shirts available at cost. Tees are $10. Muscle shirts are at $5. Fuck man. Fuck man. I'm really scared. Do you think the government will care about my t-shirt scheme? It's really good, but I don't wanna die.

It's fine probably. It's fine because it's happening to me, but what would you do? What would you do this with? But would you do this shit? Would you re-record this saying this shit so it seems like a goof? Would you hang me out to dry like you always do?

End of ad that end of everything Wow, so this also ends with me quitting. Yeah, oddly enough. It was sort of thematically relevant and tied Yeah, I also go off a cliff edge in this ad much like you did during the show itself. Yeah, okay I think we got that or imitating life exactly right should we crank out a quick game of who's 50 something? Oh yeah. We got some time. Casey, pick a number one through 10. No, no, no, that's too young.

Well, no, I'm gonna add it to five. Okay, that's better, yeah. Four. 54. Okay. 55 and a 50 foe. That's really good. So we're playing who's 54.

Who is 54. A celebrity who's 54. Yeah. I remember once doing it with like Siri, like saying, Siri, how old is Tom Hull? And then he would say, does that still work? Why don't we ask her how old David Schwimmer is?

Okay, here we go. He is the benchmark. Hey Siri, how old is David Schwimmer? David Schwimmer is 57 years old. Close. Okay, close. That didn't count as my guess. No. We were testing to see if Siri would speak out loud.

I feel like if Casey said seven and you guessed swimmer, it would be like off. Like I don't even know how to explain that, but it would be like 56. Yeah. Like you wouldn't be able to nail it in one. Yeah, no, it does seem tough. 54, I'm gonna say Jason Bateman.

I was gonna say Jason Bateman as well. Really? But I actually think he's 55. But he didn't use swimmer. I was saying that because you were like, I don't know if Siri will- Hey Siri, how old say Jason Bateman. I was gonna say Jason Bateman as well. Really? But I actually didn't, he's 55. I was saying that because you were like, I don't know if Siri will- Hey Siri, how old is Jason Bateman? Jason Bateman is 55 years old.

I said 55. Wow. You little piece of shit. You went 55 and a 54, you were right the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was. Okay, so let's, oh, this is, 54 is really hard. Yeah, 55 is easy, and 57 was a piece of cake. It was Schwimmer, but to hit 54 like that.

54, it's really tough. And try not to just hop between the friends. Yeah, that's what I'm trying not to do. I'm trying not to hop around with arrested development. But it's hard not to say Tony Hale, do you know what I mean? Yes, of course. Okay, so let's think about politicians, athletes.

Ed Helms. Hey Siri, how old is Ed Helms? Ed Helms is 50 years old. Good on him. Love you Ed. Okay, I'm gonna go something completely separate. How old is Trump? Helms is 50 years old Not him love yet Okay, I'm gonna go something completely separate how old is Trump There's no way right? Yeah, I think he's like 79 really

Thinking in that universe okay How political sphere yes a political sphere who's a 54 year old senator slash? Politicians Kamala Harris could probably be 54. Ted Cruz could be 54. He looks old, but he's also a bad guy. So that ages him. You should guess him, cause like Jason Bateman does not look 55.

He's gorgeous. And if Ted Cruz is the same age, that would be really- Ted Cruz is 38. Okay, I'll say Ted Cruz. Hey Siri, how old is Ted Cruz? Ted Cruz is 53 years old. Oh, wow, younger than Jason Bateman. You really wouldn't expect that.

Unbelievable, because they're both so fucking hot. Yeah, Ted Cruz is zaddy. I'm sick of pretending he wasn't. Pete Sampras. That's a really awesome guess guess man. Even if it's not even close. It's yeah that you thought of you You think it's not even close. No, it's pretty good. Yeah, okay. Yeah, cuz I'm like it's probably older But I don't think it's older maybe younger, but I don't know if it's younger. Yeah, that's Might be a direct hit Wow pistol Pete Sampras. Hey Siri, how old is Pete Sampras? Serving.

Volley King. Pete Sampras is 52 years old. Oh. Close. You're close. 52. I wonder how he's aging. Is he still with Bridget? I don't know. That'd be awesome.

Yeah. Okay, from Sampras to Cruz and back again. Show me Marco Rubio. Marco Rubio show me Casablanca yeah movies can age movies can age specifically to 54 now I won't go for a movie although it's kind of an interesting one I just said one flew over the cuckoo's nest I'm gonna fucking guess Andre I can see and you're done. Well, a 54 year old was born in 1970. Okay. Okay.

That's interesting. Okay. Okay. Okay. A 1970 baby. Who was 12 and 82? That's what you, that's interesting. Who turned 31 on 9-11? Now we're talking. Now we're actually talking.

Anything is probable slash possible. I'll try to go to the artist musicians fear right now yeah that's what I was trying to think of politics we did movies we did TV who's a music man who's 54 ish got everyone I know is like old like John Bon Jovi and Bob Dylan or like super young. Yeah fucking Olivia Rodriguez. Yeah Oh, what about uh What were you gonna say Adam Duritz from but he's almost my age counting crows. Oh, yeah Yeah, but 54 you think he could be 54 you think he's younger. I think he's younger

I think he's like five or eight years older than me. How interesting. Late 40s. Yeah. But someone like that. Yeah. Who was hot in the late 80s musically? The guy from the gym blossoms.

Yeah, but I don't remember. Oh, what about Jacob Dillon? I was thinking Jacob Dillon too. Okay. Yeah. Hey Siri, how old is Jacob Dillon? I found this on the web. Not famous enough for Siri to know, then I think it almost doesn't count. Really? It has to be.

Hey, Siri, how old is Bob Dylan's son, Jacob Dylan? Here's what I found. Bastards. Should I look it up or should it? Yeah, you can look it up. Jacob Dylan with one headlight. He's 54. I should have said it didn't count. How old would Agassi have been? If he was born in 1970.

Jacob Dillon, wow. The guy who's saying one headlight, it's 54. The wall flowers. Are they still together? I don't think so. It's awesome, dude. I'm sad we didn't get the serification of it. We should almost keep playing until we hit that.

You wanna go Agassi? Yeah, I'll go Agassi. Hey Siri, how old is Andre Agassi? Andre Agassi is 54 years old. That was good, that was good. That was you matching. Now we gotta play until one of us gets it out the back. Give us another number, Casey. This is good. That was good. That was you matching. Yeah. Now we got to play until one of us gets it out the mat.

Give us another number, Casey. This is too fun of a game. Refresh the tweet. That's what it's all about. This game is nothing that's 140. 140. 140. 140.

That's it. That's the tweet. Yeah. That's. Jake holding a piece of paper that says 140. Like you scored that many points in a basketball game. Yeah. This is going to end up being a triple double. How so? There's going to be 10-

Five retweets. Yeah, and it might have 10 by tomorrow. It might. And it might have, yeah, 10 quotes. I mean, that's really, that's special stuff. Special stuff. This is why we do it. Yeah, this episode was all over the place,

but in a good way. So thank you guys for listening and for watching. If you're watching, we put all these episodes on YouTube, of course. That's right. And if you want more of us, we're on Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. We probably watched a lot of those,

Jake and Mirrors we were talking about earlier. Yeah, I think most of them. Gave commentary on that. So you can watch those all at Patreon and of course we'll be back next week. Let us know if you got all those answers correct to the trivia. Yeah.

Maybe we'll do a little Jake and Amir trivia. You'll have a super fan, I'll have a super fan. That's good, they'll go head to head. Agassi V Jacob Dylan Style see you there That was a hit gum original