If I Were You - 341: Wiping (w/Jay Mohr!)

Episode Date: July 30, 2018

Comedian Jay Mohr joins us to discuss pissing, WhatsApp, and the greatest Chris Farley story ever told. For Mohr, Jay check out his podcast "Mohr Stories!"See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show starts when? Now. Wow. Luke Knutsen. What do you think, Jay Moore? Is that Nudson? Yeah.

It looks like Nudson. It's the first time I've ever thought, that's a perfect use of a triangle. He did use the triangle and a little bit of xylophone, I think. A lot of, like, dings. And a yuk. And a lily. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's here from Jake, though?

Yeah, Jake, what do you think? I didn't notice the triangle. But now that you've brought it up, I really like it. Let's play it again. Isolate the triangle tracks. Oh my gosh. Two men trampled running for the same punchline. You got there before.

Luke Knutsen. It looks like Nudson, but it's not. And it's Neyya. SoundCloud is soundcloud.com slash L. Knudels. So thanks, Luke, for writing that in. We appreciate it. And thanks to Jay for coming by. Yeah, don't kill yourself in a Starbucks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody knows your name. That's right. Oh my god. Heather killed herself. Oh, that'd be cool. And then, like, what goes on your tombstone. It's how they misspelled your name.

Oh, that's really good. We were reading tweets earlier. I think that could work. Really? Yeah, that's wonderful. Because you haven't tweeted in so long. I haven't tweeted in years. I'm looking for the perfect joke to break the silence to come back.

Yeah. Steven Wright has them all. Yeah. You can always just retweet him. You tweeting? Jay Moore? Yeah, Jay Moore 37, Instagram and Twitter. And Facebook's legit, but it's my assistant, does it?

Yeah. Mine too. That must be nice. Yeah. You know what that means? Jake, I did the Durant thing. When you see a Facebook post of mine, it's tickets are slow. Let's go.

Yeah. They don't say, fuck me, step daddy. Why do they even say that in the porn sites? Fuck me. Step dad and step daughter. There's a lot of step stuff. But yeah. I don't like the step stuff.

Well, you just got to sift through the weeds and get to step there so it's not against the law, I guess. Yeah. I like this. Well, we won't get into my porn. What's your favorite category? What do you gravitate towards? Hold on, let me loosen my bow.

I don't like this unbroken eye contact that you ask. I'm very present. I like the step stuff, but I don't like the dialogue about the step stuff. Well, they lose it pretty quickly, usually. It's one like, oh my god, it's so big step daddy. And everyone's like, all right, that's enough. But when they're fucking, they'll be like, oh, yeah, fuck your sister. Fuck your mom or something.

I don't want to hear that. But we weren't talking about sisters and moms. We were talking about steps. But they'll drop the step and just say daddy and mommy. Yeah, that's the good part. Step is how they get you in once you're there. Step is like, well, I don't feel guilty starting. But then once they start fucking, they just drop all the steps.

I feel guilty that I wasted 20 minutes punching my clown to some fucking step daddy hairs. Like, you're not even related. What's so hot about other audio playing over the step audio? Yeah. And what's yours there, Amir? I'm pretty traditional. You know, three-some. Three?

Any pretty traditional. Yeah. Cock-cold, glorial, gang bang. Missionary, two married, one married couple enjoying a night in Saturday. Missionary is my thing. Like, I dig it. Yeah. Like, I can't do it any other way.

Yeah. I can't finish any of it. The OG. Yeah. I need the symmetry. It is a weird name for the original position. Missionary. It sounds so special.

But why, everybody's bald from like the eyes down. Like, when did that memo go out that every woman was just like, oh, we're all babies. Like, what happened to pubic hair? Like, I don't need like some giant fucking Pam Grier bush where... Isn't that a specific porn thing now? Bush? Yeah, you can specify the amount of pubic hair that you want. That's how far it's gone into the crazy direction where you have to type in Harry to just have

like a triangle or a oval. Like a landing strip or something. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Well, let me hijack your show. No, no, you're right. You're right.

But I still like the triangle. You're right. So thanks for bringing us back to what we're supposed to be doing, which is answering people's questions, advice. People are seeking our guidance, our wisdoms sometimes. It's just me and Jake, sometimes Jay Moore is here trying to answer as many questions with us as possible. One time Jay Moore is here.

Yeah. This is one time that Jay Moore is here. What happened? Is it okay that I keep saying Jay Moore instead of just Jay? Jay is here, Jay Moore is here. No, of course. Mr. Moore, do you want to... It's like an old radio thing.

You did a lot of radio in college? No, zero radio. You do seem like a kind of guy that would have like an unpopular radio show in college. As opposed to that red hot radio show of its SUNY purchase, like everybody. That's right. Here's DevTones again. Come on, show that. The mighty, mighty Boss Tones.

So here's a question from a real person. We just need to give him a fake name just so we can preserve... By the way, it all tracks with me, by the way. It's all very linear. It's just a lot of tricky turns. Deviations. Radio, you have to keep saying the person's name in case they just tuned in. Oh.

Yeah, like the station ID stuff. Yeah. So you're like, yeah. Dwight Howard joining us. Yeah. Dwight. Oh, that's right. Otherwise, you're like, who folks you talking to?

Got it. But with podcasts, they listen all the way through. We can see your name once. In theory. Yeah. That's the goal, at least. Some people are just skipping to the middle and trying to guess who we're talking to. Anyway, Jay Moore, we'll be in the title too.

Do you have a fake guy's name? It could be any name you want, somebody from your past, somebody completely made up. My go-to is James Barone. I like that. Baroso. That's my dog, Pirate. James Barone, right? Yes.

Yeah. All right. I've noticed one in public bathrooms that my post-urination ritual is longer than most men's. I give it a few shakes, but then I have to do this gentle maneuver where I kind of squeeze and slide from base to tip. I have to do that three to four times to ensure I don't get any last lingering drops, or else they'll eventually make their way out and get on my undies.

Is this normal? What's the average slash acceptable time to do my post-P procedure? Day oneer. Love you guys. A nanosecond. James. You're quick. It's over and you're out.

It's a nanosecond. Is this guy 90? This guy is 94, yeah. 94. Yeah, 94. That's why I said he was a day one listener. My immediate, if it really was a solution, I would just say get circumcised. What?

Oh, you think that's what it is? Do you think it has to do with his foresight? Of course. He has a sheesh. I feel like I'm only talking norm to you. Sheesh. Even, of course, has a sheesh. The guy's got a, you know, sheesh his weapon, you know.

And then, oh, I better keep it clean. So, yeah, that's a long routine. Long post-P routine. Well, a lot of people are scared of the... I'm not afraid of a few drops getting out after I'm done. I think that's what the underwear is for. Also, that's what drinking a lot of water is for, so you don't have bright yellow dots because you're, you know, dying.

Oh, yeah. If you drink enough water, it'll be colorless drops. Yeah. And odorless. So, as Amir knows, I have an overactive bladder. I have to pee almost all the time. You're urinating right now. Yes.

I pee. But I've read some, and I read in some magazine that if you, like, squeeze the base of your, of, like, your dick up against the top of your dick, it, like, drains everything out. Oh, it's almost like squeezing a straw out. Yeah. With a honey and so. I might do the, like, as weird as the procedure sounds. I think I do it, but I do it only once.

The base, and then you sort of wring it out. Like, I'll flick the drip. Yeah. Flick the drip. Everyone puts the drip. And then, but then I squeeze real hard to see if there's any piss in there. And then a finishing seal, which is like squeezing toothpaste out of a tube, so you'll start rolling it up from tip to base.

And as you know, I pee backwards with my dick through my legs. That's right. Amir, when you say that way, you squeeze all the honey out. Yeah. Are you talking about his dick? We're just talking about masturbation. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get that good, uh.

Watching step videos. That white honey. Yeah. That foovula. White honey. Why do you have, uh, is your bladder, is it nervousness? Yeah, I think it is nervousness, because, like, I'll, I think I just, I, like, pinch off before I'm actually done peeing.

But you have to pee a lot. Yeah, like, I'll pee, and then I'll go back to. I've been there. My desk, and then I'm like, oh, I have to pee. Especially at bedtime. Yes. Bedtime. Did you wet the bed as a kid?

Um. Don't actually, you don't remember. I don't think I did. I didn't wet the bed as a kid. Well, I mean, I did, uh, I think, like, the normal amount. From the top of the dresser? Yeah. From the doorway.

No, like, I wet the bed as a kid, and then it wasn't until, like, well, about eight years, everything's eight years ago, I guess. Yeah. Where I actually got a sonogram on my bladder, and 30% didn't come out. What? For some reason. I was born premature, so there's, like, weird little hiccups in your body. Sorry, 30% of the urine doesn't come out when you pee, or 30% of the bladder wasn't formed

when you say 30%. Uh, 30% of my urine, uh, didn't, maybe 20%, didn't come out of the way. So there's still, like, a little sensation. No. So I tied the sensation to, like, oh my god, I'm gonna wet the bed even, like, into my thirties. Now, like, I gotta pee, like, a cow on a flat rock, and I'm like, fuck it, man. I don't care.

Yeah. I fall asleep. Holy shit. And then I'll just wake up, and, like, I'll hold it, hold it, and then I'll forget about it, and then when I have to pee, it's like, oh my god, I have to go right now, like, oh women, you're like, no, I gotta go right now. I've been, that started happening to me. All my pee problems have, like, been late, later in my life, and now I'll get, like, a

pee attack, where I'll just be, I'll be driving, and everything is fine. I'm like, oh, I have to pee a little bit. I'll look for a gas station. And then, like, 10 seconds after that, I'm, like, pulling over on the side of the road, peeing into a cup or something. You're like, you're like Calvin on a bumper sticker. Yeah. It's a full rainbow.

Right on top of that Chevy fucking bowtie, or on, like, a family member that's died, or the Mexican family, where there's always a L-U-Z, a person named L-U-Z in there. Lose. Actually, speaking of funerals, we have a funeral-related question, so this is a great segue. I want to go back, because I am an actual intuitive and an actual life coach. Okay. Yours, I see you, bro, whenever you're still, it's when you get that angst, like, when you

just said, you drive the car, and you're like, everything's fine. So your bladder goes, no, it ain't. You got to get up and do something, because when you're still, like, some people in relationships when things are going really well, that's when they throw a monkey wrench in. They need drama. They're used to the chaos, because that's what they were raised in. Right. You want to, I want to have, like, I want to have an activity, a mission.

So spatial relations in your home as a kid, the rules changed all the time as a kid. That's true. For me. Yes, for you. That is true. So like, let's, and the rules, like, look at them jumping on the couch, get off the goddamn couch. And like, standing in this part of the kitchen was like the safe place when somebody's cooking,

and then it's like, you cannot stand here when I'm cooking, so it always moves, so when things are still, you're very uncomfortable, because like, liminal space and time for you. That's fucking crazy correct. I don't say it unless I'm right. More stories, 37, 37, if you've got some problems. That's, yeah. I can't afford me. It's crazy.

Let's do another podcast where I just get fucking therapy from Jay Morpher a little bit. Yeah, nothing to worry about, man. You're good to go. You ever bowl? Yeah. You ever roll a gut or ball, right? All the time. And you lean your body all the way over, like, nah, that's worry.

Yeah. That's worry. Oh, shit. You're all crooked and doesn't do anything. So you just got to figure out a way to just let that go, like it's... Are you like an amateur psychologist? I'm an intuitive, and I do, you know, I get hired by some CEOs once in a while to, like, give them new, I don't like the words life coach, because it's kind of weird.

Right. I coach wrestling, too. Wow, really? So, like, people go, like, transformative coaching. I'm like, well, no, I'm the one that was transformed. Not the... If you're not transforming the kid, then you shouldn't be coaching at all. Like, do your job...

Oh, well, kid comes out to play football as a wide receiver. He doesn't know anything. You teach him routes. You've transformed his fucking life. Right. You know? So, yeah. No, I do it well.

So can you teach Jake how to catch football, too? Come on, son. Oh, crap. Play the triangle, isolated triangle here for our after-school special. Toss me a piece. But, no, like, if I could figure out a way to monetize it without getting sick out of my mouth. Well, do you like psychoanalyzing people?

This is like a new... I just feel it's helpful. Like, it's... I just see, like, basic math, like, this poor guy's driving around, like, what if I have to pee? Like, you're gonna have to pee. So just pee in a Gatorade bottle or something. That's exactly what I do, sir.

I'm just really good. And Starbucks cups, in case you're wondering, I've been to Starbucks cup, how many times can you pee in it before the bottom gives out? The answer's four. The bottom gives out. Yeah, that was on my way to my first mediation after my first divorce, and that was the only day I've ever worn black jeans in my life. And the bottom went on, I was covered in pee-pee pants as I wrote somebody a check for 1.8.

Just walking down the hallways, like, I'm in SpongeBob, like, squish, squish, squish. That is a good story. All right, I'll listen to your podcast. And you're, like, fiercely independent. Independent. That's cool to hear. Yeah, I guess I am independent, though you mean- It can't be done right unless you've done it.

Like, not that you don't trust other people can do it right, but you don't leave anything to chance. Right, like, I'm meticulous in my details. You have to say only yes or no. That way, you don't think that you led me to the answer, like, there's no such thing as a psychic. They're just present, and they listen to everything you say, and they're like, hey, what's going on with five kids?

And you're like, how do you know I have five kids in my family? Right. It's because you accidentally said it like five minutes ago. So you're, did you, like, math, what was your favorite subject as a kid? That's correct math. Yeah, because there's no ambiguity. Yeah. It's right or wrong.

Was he, like, like, history could interpret English, he could bend the words up and, like, make them his own. Yeah, you guys- You guys can see these two guys' faces right now? They're fucking freaking out. I feel like I'm stoned. This is, like, a weird dream I had. It's like, yeah, and Jay Moore was there, and he was psychoanalyzing me on a podcast.

We just thought he was a dick. Turns out he's all right, and he just fucking knows everything about us. What is your podcast? It's just more stories now. Thanks for being a fan. Yeah. More stories. Because I know more stories was around years and years and years ago, even before podcasts

weren't right. 1890s, yeah. Wow. The first radio show. But you're still doing that, and then you had a sports show. Back in the 40s. Come on out to the ballpark. Jay Moore with his newfangled podcast, More Stories.

Watch a real live black man play basketball. Jackie Robinson leads the entire major leagues with 14 homeruns. More stories. And I do comedy science, which is like, when I don't have a guest, I just sit in a hotel room and I think what bit needs to be looked at through the jeweler's loop. Whoa. So I've done, like, Fuck Tucker Tucker Sucks by Carl and Wino versus Dracula by Pryor, Eddie Murphy.

The dog don't know his name, Eddie. Is that how you write stand-up? Is that you perform stand-up in whatever sticks you... I've never written stand-up in my life. I just say things that like happened to me, like stories that happened to me, like things that have actually happened, like renting a kayak with my son or the fact that my boys are both idiots or, you know, women, like when, are you married? Nobody's married here.

I'm getting married in three weeks. Like when, so when you took out the ring, she was like, oh my God, yes. And then six years into marriage, she's like, why are you in a bathroom so long? Can't wait for that. Like, I don't wipe my butt properly. I don't know. All right. Here's a dark question.

Give me another guy's name. It could be anything. Jobaroso. Jobaroso. GB. My aunt passed away five months ago and I'm in a family WhatsApp group that was made to let everyone know about the funeral and other things. The group is 17 people strong.

Sounds close. I've never, I've never even been close to her or to that side of the family. The funeral is, has been and gone. Stories and memories have shared and the chat is still going. Notifications daily for months. How can I leave this group without looking like a dick? I don't like these people. Sorry, I don't talk to these people and I never see them, but they're technically still

my family. Well, you're only on WhatsApp for pussy, pussy pictures or cock. You're saying WhatsApp is a specific sex app versus like your text messages. Why would you go to WhatsApp if you have text in your phone? I don't use it. I use it expressly for pussy pictures. There's things that are encrypted that you don't want in your iCloud in case they hack your stuff.

You're like, oh, I did, that glory hole was a glory hole. You have like family that lives overseas, yeah, that's correct. That's the far, far distant, less nefarious reason. Yeah, you're right. That's what I actually said. Your mom says you pussy pictures as well. Yeah, that's true. I'm comfortable.

This is a completely different thing. Actually, I'm comfortable. WhatsApp you're describing as like an adult Snapchat where it's like messages that aren't necessarily associated with anything concrete. Any videos I have, like I've taken of like me and a girl is like, how fast can I get this on WhatsApp and delete it? So when I'm going like, see, look, on your takedowns, don't worry about her. So he doesn't have to leave.

He just has to not answer. Well, yeah, can you turn the notifications off? Yeah, but maybe he's using WhatsApp for other things. Like he wants to. But look, there's people on my WhatsApp that you just, you don't answer. Just don't answer. They message you. You don't have to leave WhatsApp.

You just see that red notification thing and get stressed out that it's like up to four steps. That's why all my notifications are off and that has become a real problem. Yeah. Because I need to see the things you want to see. Well, my dad's like, I have been calling you. You don't even have like the badge alert for your phone? No.

Wow. Because it never stops. Yeah. I guess you're very, you're much busy. I'm a big shot. Yeah. Yeah. The chicks, they're fucking going crazy, right?

With their bush. So how does he leave the chat is you just don't, why are you looking at it? Why is he even going to WhatsApp unless he has other things to do on WhatsApp? He has other things to do. So then don't look at that one. Turn off notifications. Yeah. Turn off notifications for that group.

I think you can do that. Yeah, you probably should. Look at all these names of ladies. You think I want to talk to fucking Todd? Todd R? That's your brother. A teacher in Japan? Do you rename them Todd R or is that his actual name?

No, that's his name. He's my buddy. Yeah. I think you can change the notification without necessarily having to leave the group. Yeah, we get it. Whoa. I want to go through J.Morris WhatsApp. Let's take a break.

Thanks to sponsors. Jake will go through J.Morris WhatsApp. Why? And we'll be back on the other side of these Japanese students learning and advertisements after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake.

Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. This is a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could

go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

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Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A. Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something.

All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a

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And we're back. You were on our favorite seasons of SNL. Really? Yeah, the 93, 94, 95. I was just looking up before you got here to see if you were on in any Matt Foley sketches and you were. I was in, I like how you knew nothing about me, but agreed to have me as a guest and I love that you don't hide it and I love, I actually do love it.

You're not a phony and you live in fear of being a phony and you're never a phony. I thought, I thought I knew a lot though the stand up reference earlier when I said I saw you do stand up. But you couldn't remember the joke or the name of my podcast. What I'm here to promote or, you know, August 11th, Saturday, August 11th, Melrose Improv, 20 bucks, me 90 minutes. That's it. I do 90 straight minutes.

That's great. I don't know if they're in a row, you know, maybe I take a little pit stop. Quick pee. Yeah. You know, maybe Jake's there and we got all pulled the comedy club over so you go pee in a bottle. That's nice. Intervention of that.

That kimchi. That's it. I'm sorry. I was saying, do you remember being literally being in those sketches, the Netflix? Well, you know, it was in my best selling book about Saturday Night Live called Gasping for Airtime. Wow. Because I'm the only person that wrote a book about being actually that was there.

But I'll send you a copy. Please. And we'll get a time machine. Let's do it. It was like being on LSD, Chris Farley's most beautiful human being I've ever met in my life. It was like feeling the sun on your back. He was the two years I was on Saturday Night Live.

He was sober and first thing, he was really handsome, like really handsome in real life. Like Nicholson. Like he'd wear the, you know, I always love those dudes that have like the prescribed sunglasses, but inside they don't like on on my other glasses. I get to walk around my fucking blue tinted cool Ray Bansal day. Yeah. I wish I had needy glasses just to get pulled out of. But he was just like a really handsome guy and he was beautiful, like just so gentle

and sweet. And yeah, I was in a couple motivational speaker sketches, but if you want to hear the greatest Farley story ever told, I guess, no, I'll put my name on it, is me and David Tell shared an office. And if you want to make sure like nothing gets done, take the two fucking club comics and just go, you guys do sketches for like, sure, wear the pencils. But what now? Because everyone's for like typing and sketches and hitting a send this to be printed button.

We just fucking handed it in like dear pen pal letters. And Chris Farley comes in like two in the morning. There's no reason for him to be there because he doesn't have to write. He's Farley. He's a genius. And he goes, hey, what are you guys doing? And we both said, we'll pay you $100 to shit out the window. But we said at the same time, like creepy twins, like come play with us, Danny.

At the exact same time, David Tell and I said, we'll give you $100 to shit out the window. And then we looked at each other and we looked back at Farley, give me the money first. And we were like, oh my God, it's on like panicked. Like when he's downtown, he knows there's no fucking restroom that's going to have him like no bathroom. You know what you say all the time? Well, then where do you pay? Because I'll go where you go.

Where do you pay? And they're like, all right, they give you the fucking key and it's attached to a fucking Haitian guy. That's right. Like just say it's okay, my friend. So he, we had to get $100 and including it was $3 in coins. It was exactly $100 and he puts the paper money in his pocket and he lifted across my desk, the far side end of it.

And he picked it up. He was like, Herculean. And like in a cartoon, Amir, the change slid down the desk and it was pocket. Like how you make a cartoon, how you do that. Like this is ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. $100. Yeah. And he drops my desk and he opens this giant like old ass window at 30 Rock and he crawls

up on the ledge. The only thing inside the building is the tip of his nose, his hands that are on his knees and his toes. It's the 17th floor. He could have fallen out. And that's making us laugh more. Like when you laugh, like around mushrooms, you know, you've, everyone listening had that laugh where you actually have to stand up and leave the room or you'll die.

Like something's not right with my whole start to hurt. Nothing involuntary, like heartbeat and fucking none of my organ, like you just got to go. And we're dying. We're punching each other. We are literally punching each other's dicks. We're laughing so hard. We are literally punching each other's dicks. And it became obvious where, and I do talk, I say this on stage, so I don't know what

you think I'm trying to bits out on you, but he, it was obvious right away that Chris did not have to shit at all. He's purple with effort. The window is resting on the back of his neck and it's rattling from that, like, from effort. And he's doing farly, but like son of a, well, if I could just get a little bit out there even. He's got a snot bubble, like that great, like the fucking Gary Oldman one and Sid and Nancy. We were like, if I could do that, I'd get an Oscar too.

Fuck. I was going to never mind. And after like two minutes, which I don't think is an exaggeration, if you've ever seen like one Fig Newton without the Newton, one, like same size, same shape and color of taste. I'll guess, definitely taste, and we didn't step in it. I'll guess consistency. It felt like the snow through the window behind him, it fell from his ass into the office onto my fucking desk.

What? He jumps off the ledge, wipes his ass with his hand, because there's no toilet paper laying. There's no paper because we're not writing. Oh my God. Wipes his ass with his hand. There's a box set of Otis Redding that Lorne got David Tell for his birthday, and we cut a, well, a tell cut a hole where Otis Redding's mouth goes and just kept lighting cigarettes

like he was smoking. We were like a mush. We weren't well. So Farley wipes his ass with his hand and becomes like this shit hand zombie man. Like, like hands outstretched like Scooby-Doo Ghoul, Jesus Christ, and big high goo step slow. And me and Natel, you've seen 30 Rock on TV. It's enormous.

It's two blocks. You got to take, you can only photograph it by helicopter. We are just ass and elbows, and even though he's walking, he's always right behind us, like in a movie, and there's this one part of the hallway that goes to Lorne's office and it gets narrower and narrower and probably by design, and there's bookshelves, and you can only go single file. And I'm, I'm a year removed from wrestling in college, right? And David Tell passes me like he's on a fucking spaceship.

He just goes right past me. I'm like, fuck that. And I should have conceded because my right shoulder hits the bookshelf. My shoulder comes out and goes over, like your grandma taking off her bra at the table, like was around my body, that's what it felt like. And like, I used to say, I don't know if I got knocked out or not, but it's like a nap when you're like, I don't know if I napped or not, like then you did, because you definitely know if you did not.

I just remember looking up and that shit hands come at me, he's like, and I got to think fast and I go, fuck, it's the best acting I've ever done in my life. I go, fuck you. I'm fake crying, like tears are flying. Fuck you, finally. I hit my fucking shoulder, and he just stood up and goes, really? And I just ran to the elevator and went home and I went under the covers in my apartment and I didn't come back in for like two days because of his really was so innocent and

beautiful. Like he was really genuinely concerned that another person was injured, like really? Like he was so sorry, but like the shit end, like I didn't know how to explain it if I saw him again, and then the weekend happened, I wasn't in any sketches, so I just skipped the show. And then I had panic attacks, so I stayed home anyway. Oh no. Is that why you left SNL?

No, I, what really wasn't invited back. Got it. They do like, we'll give you a two week extension when they're supposed to, like they're supposed to let you know, let's say July 14th and they go two week extension, you go, sure. And then that day rolls around, they go, we need another two week extension. They ask for a third, and my agent at the time, Ruth Ann Secunder, goes, in my experience, if people need three, four extensions, they're really not sure if they want to work with you.

And I went, oh yeah, man, fuck him. So then I did the Jeff Foxworthy show, and then I did Jeremy Weier. Yes, holy shit. It's funny that you, you were on, between like 93 and 96, you worked with Chris Farley and Tom Cruise. Would you say you're the only person who worked with both? I'm really going to think about that, because Tom does like those cameos, like when he's like the agent.

Right, maybe Ben Stiller or something. Was that Tropic Thunder? Yeah. Maybe one of those guys did, but they were both great dudes. Tom Cruise is a great guy, man. People make fun of that guy. That guy changed my life. Really?

He did? Oh yeah. He was great. Do you have a Tom Cruise story? Can we just, can we just roll more stories? Can we just, yeah. But you asked me about the actual motivational speaker sketches. Yeah.

That, when you see the Spatial Shuttle re-entering, and it's on fire, you're like, Jesus Christ, I'm watching a disaster. And then you hear the pilot go, we're going to rotate the limb. I don't know why there's a lunar module on a fucking Spatial, but I don't know when you have space talk. It's close enough. Three, click, two, five. It's like that, but in verse.

Like you're outside is the pilot voice, and you're inside, you're like, he just must my hair, but I'm wearing a wig, and it's sliding down my face, and he knows when the camera's not on him. So he goes, how about you, young fella? And he goes, cross-eyed, and you're just cracking up. Oh, so he's like trying to get you to breathe. Absolutely. There's always something between dress and air that's a surprise.

We did one scared straight with Martin Lawrence. We just watched that. Yeah. And when he comes out with all the sweat on, I think they took part of dress rehearsal and part of air, because the one part of the sketch he's covered in sweat, that was live. So when he came out live, that was the first time we had seen him drenched. His entrance, he was just soaking wet, like with a hose, like he was just sweating and chale, like from a rape or something, and he's like, oh, my bitches.

Yeah. And he makes that mistake live. He's supposed to say, sold seven bitches to the homie in the cornrows. And he goes, sold seven bitches to the homie in the horny road. Oops. And he looks in the camera and goes, ooh, he says, right in the camera. And we had a gag worked out where we're all supposed to break through the wall when him and Martin Lawrence, when he runs through the wall, we all run out to escape of the jail.

And then we all were like, let's land on top of Chris so he can't get back in and say live from New York. And it was Tim Meadows, Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler, Farley, Spade, me. So at least five of us, and maybe like, I don't know if Fred Wolfe was in there hanging out or maybe six, seven, and he picked us up like leaf bags. Like he literally just lifted us like laundry. There was nothing you could do. Wow.

Predator pray. We would pray like out of my way, showtime. Live from New York. I didn't realize that was a cold open. He had to get back in to say something because I just remember him lifting us like it was nothing. And I had panic attacks so bad, I just got prescribed colonopin. And the pants they gave me for that sketch didn't have pockets.

Like this little pocket above your right pocket and jeans, that's the colonopin pocket. I didn't know that. That's like where you keep like his annex or something when you fly. Right. And I was like, who the fuck gives a guy a pants with no pockets? Who? Jerry Seinfeld's wardrobe. Who gives a guy pants with no pockets?

Red pants. And I had to hold colonopin in my hand and I had sweaty hands because I had pockets and I had to like calibrate the space between my fingers where enough air got to those pills in case I needed them, but not so much that they roll out onto the floor on live TV, but then not so much that they get wet and disintegrate from my clammy hands. Like that's what's going on in my mind and I'm like, I don't know what I'm saying on the cue card. I don't know what color I am because there's a different colored marker per character.

I don't have any lines, but I sat there for four minutes going, what the fuck color? And then he runs through the wall and I'm like, oh, no lines. Okay, let's go. And we did one all in Spanish. Yeah, the yasoy. And that's the one where he went cross-eyed on me and made my wig slide down my head and between dress and air, Lorne Michaels goes, can we maybe not laugh during live television sketch?

I was like, you got it. As if you were the only one breaking. You got it, buddy. That shit. That was exactly like being, if you've never done mushrooms, well, you've never been on SNL during a motivational speaker sketch, but that was like being on mushrooms. It was so like, who else is sharing what I'm sharing right now? Right.

They're only like five people on earth. Yeah. Who have felt that? Yeah. He was the most front man of any front man, like Jim Morrison, Cobain, like they couldn't hold his fucking jock in a million years. I swear to God, I swear by old flowers, as the e-comics would write, that was the absolute front man of all time.

Like I'm going to choked up talking about him. I wasn't friends with him. Like we weren't friends. I just worked with him, but like that's the power, man. I don't know how we recover from hearing that story. Recover? You say that like. No, like what am I supposed to ask you another question?

You should probably do what you do. No, I'm not interested in that. Yeah. It's just like, it's all, it's all meaningless after you hear a story about party. I disagree. What's that? I disagree, man. These people, you know, these are your, day one was the last email we got to say.

That's right, day one. Joe Barroso's like, day one. Joe Barroso's the day one. I don't know how to not answer fucking texts with people going to an aunt we don't even like or close with, his admission. Yeah. Remember that time we saw the side of her head when she was leaving church and we avoided her?

Like yeah, she was a great lady. Like, nah, just, it was so nice to not talk to her that day. All right, here's a short. Why'd you kill her? That's a better question. Just to get on date. Here's a short one just to end the show and it kind of, it bookends the P question pretty well because it's about wiping your ass.

Do you have a guy's name? Me? Yeah. You want to do one? I know you're the man. Oddly, this is from Ricky Henderson. Wow. Really?

We're hard of honor. Still playing. Ricky Henderson writes, I'd like to know your opinion on what your POA is for cleanup on aisle ass. Do you stand or do you sit? One ply, two ply, computer paper? Do you go back to front or front to back? Do you just plug and twist like fun dip?

John Ralph? Twist. Well, let's start over. What's POA? Yeah, I don't know that. POA is, I don't know. Position of. Poop on arrival?

Yeah. Yeah. It's some sort of like military. Read that. Like do somewhere, do like read that as far as Whitaker or something. I don't know. Just want to know where the impression guy got nothing. POA is, you just plug it like fun dip.

That's a really good floor is Whitaker. I wouldn't even know where to start. Ben uses flushable wipes. How do you feel about those? Anyway, I love listening to your show, Happy Wiping. Who's Ben? Our buddy Ben Schwartz uses flushable wipes. You should use flushable wipes.

Is that what you use? Well, in addition to, first of all, nobody knows what one ply of toilet paper even looks like. I think we have some depth. We have it at the office. It's awesome. Yeah, because you guys do this from a fucking NAP safety shoe instructional video, so they got to save money, I guess.

It's thin. It's thin. The walls are thin. The floor is thin. Yeah. Your audience is males, I know you have females, you know, 25 to four, like the demographic you want. Yeah.

This motherfucker is asking you if you go front the back or back the front. No, you go back the front. That way you have balls. I have shit on them all day. Like, what are you talking about, Ricky? Yeah. Well, this is one of the things. Ricky, you know how to wipe with that.

This is one of the things that you never really learned. I start with my crack and I get to the tip of my dick. Right. Nobody will tell you why. That's why it takes me so long to shake off at the urinal because I get shit on my fingers. Who teaches you how to wipe your ass? It's not a thing that happens. People wipe your ass and then eventually you do it for yourself.

Your parents teach you how to wipe your ass. You just don't remember. Oh. By the way, I'm being intuitive. It's also like being a code breaker. There's a very telling sentence right there. Yeah, that nobody taught me how to wipe my ass. You were left alone a lot.

Yeah. You were left to your own, not, you know, just, you were left to your own devices. Either that or my mom still wipes my ass. Like, I don't even know how she does it. We're not jerking off anymore, though, so. You ever use a bidet? Yeah. I don't even use the bidet to jack off.

That's mean. I have a bidet. My apartment in Malibu, there's like this, for some reason, there's a bidet. It's like, it's smaller than this room. There's not even a table in the apartment. But there's the bidet. In the toilet, there's this bidet, so I just crank that shit up my asshole one day when I was jacking off.

It was nice. Hell yeah. Yeah. Come on over. I'm going to go over there after this. All right. I caught a perch. I go, I caught a perch this morning.

Jake goes, what's a perch? I go, it's kind of bear. And I believed until I saw a picture of a fish. I know I'm still confused as to whether or not that was a fish-shaped bear the other way around. I like the way your mind works. How do you feel? Oh, so you go, I'm, I guess, like you said, I read that whole thing is like impression

of like, spin the wheel of anybody you want. I don't do it. No, I'll do it. Oh yeah. So we get to choose the impression. Stuff not to say Chris Walken, just because it's one of your. If you like it. Your goodness.

Yeah. You want to read this as Chris Walken? Sure. All right, here we go. Christopher Walken. There's nothing on the screen. How do you make these up? Yeah.

That's from Ricky Henderson, number 24. Hi Jake and Amir. I would like to know your opinion on what your POA is for cleanup on ILS. Do you stand up or do you sit? One ply, two ply or computer paper? Do you go back to front, front to back, or do you just plug and twist like a fun dip? What's this person's name? Who's that boy?

Oh, John Ralphio. That's her buddy Ben. John Ralphio uses flushable wipes. That's crazy. How do you feel about those anyway? Love listening to your show, happy wiping. Chairs Ricky. I just hit a double.

Chris. Turn two. I use some balls. So Chris Walken as Ricky Henderson asking us how you wipe your ass. That's a first for us. Ten year. I got 18 year. Is there a specific answer like you said?

What's computer paper? Computer paper. I think that's been funny. Yeah. So he's a funny audience member. That's good to know. I plug and plug. Stand up.

I stood up until I was 18. Well, then you always had shit on your cheeks. I sure did. Wait, you stood up all the way or are you like towering? I stood up, turned around, and would face the toilet as I wiped. Really? Insane. Face the toilet.

Dude, I don't know. I didn't even... We had a very passive traumatic childhood. I'm not teasing that at all. I did? I think we're a very similar child. It's like nobody taught me to brush my teeth or comb my fucking hair. See, like right when my mom got sober when I was 12, all of a sudden my shit's like combed

down the middle. I like nice, all my fever blisters are gone. I'm fever. No more AIDS. Wow. Well, I don't want to get it again. No, congrats on beating it by the way. Thank you, buddy.

So we've extolled the virtues of bidet, so I'll do it again. Get a bidet. It's not a difficult addition to your toilet and it's a game changer, as you said. Go front to back. I mean, Christ. Yeah, front to back, bidet. Did he go... He went to back.

Yeah. Christ did. Christ. Jesus. The thief not named. It's Barabbas, Jesus. And some guy off to the side of the stage the other night goes, it's Barabbas. I go, thanks, did you fucking shazam that?

What the fuck? How do you know how it's said? Some guy said it to you. No, Barabbas. Barabbas. But there's a thief not named. There's a thief on either side of Christ. They never say the other guy's name.

Oh, right. He was. Because Barabbas is the guy. He's Daniel Baldwin. That's not taken off the cross for Jesus, right? Right. He was like the Che Guevara of like that area, because Christ was from Nazareth. He was like, you know, if there was modern times, they'd be throwing rocks at tanks

and they were like trouble. Right, right. Like fuck the authority, man. This money shit, like there's a better way. That's cool. And they're like, no, Barabbas, that's our lead singer. And the third guy's like, I don't even get a fucking name. Shut up, Daniel Baldwin.

You hush. Yeah. You have to us to interpret his name for him. So you wipe front to back, sitting down. I like to spread my ass cheeks before I shit, because I wipe my ass interminably, interminably, interminably. How about this? I wipe my ass for far too long, and sometimes I got to get in the shower.

Wow, the post shit shower. Oh, I'm a big shower guy post shit. We had very similar childhoods, clearly. Yeah. And it's like maybe it's your diet. I had a girlfriend tell me it's like you got to take psyllium husks, but the whole bottle just goes, don't choke. I'm going to choke on these unless you drink a gallon of water per two.

I'm like, what the fuck is in this capsule that I can choke to death? It's going to clean out my colon. I would take a pill that made it so that every time I shit, I get one of those magic. I wipe and it's just already. You have to eat toilet paper. Bruce Miranoff, a comedian, never had toilet paper in his house. He had so much like not sponsored Metamucle or something like that. He goes, we're the only animal that wipes our ass, because it's what we eat.

So we had a very specific diet and a lot of whatever that stuff is called, like it's actual job, whatever that's called. And he said he'd never had to wipe his ass. That's insane. Well, you at least check. He shouldn't be at least. Walking. You just did walking.

You at least check. He just did it perfectly. I mean, serious. What is his accent, by the way? Like nobody. It's Queens, New York. But like my parents had a toilet chain and flushing. I'll be walking.

This actually happened. Ask me what my wife does for a living. What does your wife do for a living? Who, bitch? How does that answer? Oh my God. I asked me what the worst part about doing the Deer Hunter was. What's the worst part?

What was the worst part about doing Deer Hunter? The slopes. Is it really happened too? Yes. That's crazy. Everything I say happened. Otherwise, I can't do the impression. I feel like a fucking, I think it might go a little something like this.

So you wipe front to back, roll in agreement. And we use toilet paper provided, period. Yeah. So if it's one ply, you can just make it two ply. Right. You don't have to like fold it up. Yeah. You got it.

Nice. And while seated. Crumple it and uncrumple it. Because when you stand up, you're putting like your ass cheeks over like the prairie dog's head there. Yeah. Yeah. If I can't get the shit off with toilet paper, I'll hop in the shower because it'll ruin

my day. It's a full body bidet. It'll ruin my day. You are fucking awesome. That was so genuine. It is genuine. It is a full body bidet. I was in Easton, Pennsylvania visiting my family last weekend, or last week, and I just couldn't

wipe it. So I just went in the shower, my full body bidet. And I just crouched where the, but only the tub part was going. You can just shit in the shower. That's what I had to do. Jump in the toilet. You got to get fingers involved in everything. This ain't right.

You never know when you're going to be pulled to trigger. Just to show that starfish. That's right. What's PLA? Since we're out of time, do you have any last things you wanted to promote, plug, mention before we have to get out of here? No, I'm just happy to be with you guys for real. If you guys are in LA listening, Hollywood Improv, Improv, Improv on Melrose by Fred

Siegel. It's only 20 bucks, August 11th, and two weeks after another Saturday, it's on their website. Yeah, I don't really give a shit. Listen to my podcast. Hit subscribe. You don't have to listen to it. Just hit subscribe.

I don't know. It's actually better if you don't listen. Go on. For bandwidth purposes. Just come up to me in the street and go, what's up, Eagle? Well, that's cool. Something weird? Yeah.

Sweet. That way they know, they listen to this show specifically. Yeah. It's like a specific coupon code for you. Like if he can be Prince and Sting and like the Edge and Bono, like, I'll be fine. I'm Eagle then. Yeah. And I'll hook you up.

I'll drive over. Because Sting's not going to go. Yeah. His name's Gordon. People don't know that. Method man. Clifford. Really?

Yeah. Fuck these guys. Make your own destiny, I guess. Let's get rich. Let's just get some fucking money. That's what it's about, man. Fuck Tucker. Tucker socks.

Yeah. If you have your own questions or theme songs, the email address is IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. Luke was so good. He sent us a closing theme song too. So thank Luke Knutzen and thanks to Jay Moore for coming by. Thank you. Regaling us with your stories. Appreciate it, sir.

That was the show from J and A. Did they help you survive your day? You had a problem. They had the cure. They told you what you didn't even know before. Oh, J and A. Did you even help us at all? Oh, J and A. Tell me what I can do for a doona-no. I'll email to IfIWereYou.

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