If I Were You - 342: Fanny Pack (w/Sean Jost!)

Episode Date: August 6, 2018

Friend and lover Sean Jost joins us to discuss choking, strangling, and Hawaiian hot spots.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Amir is looking for acorns at the end of the day. And news, don't laugh, live in a dream. If you act, trying to featsies, you'll bring on cheatsies. Be careful. Where's the fucking woodland creature out there? That's correct. That can think and talk and hope and dream like the rest of us.

Are you guys ticklish? Wow. What genre of music is that? Trap. Really? Yeah. Sean, you go to festivals. Trap house for sure.

That's a trap house? There's trap and then there's house and then there's trap house. There's three different ones. All of them. Does that track for you? If you never listen to our podcast, might you be at like outside lands and hear that and be like, this is cool. I like it.

I love concerts more than anything. Yeah. I would run away from that as fast as I could. So you could get home and download it? Yeah. To mp3. Get online wire ASAP. Put it on your mini disc.

I have to Napster that whole album. Put up your shazams. It's not coming up. That was written and directed by Doug. It was actually a conversation between us and Ben where Ben was doing it. You might be a chipmunk if bit. He turned it into a trap house song, I guess. Our guest today is Sean Joest.

You guys probably don't know who he is. But if you listen to this podcast, you might because we sang his praises. That's right. A year ago. About a year ago, we met Sean in Hawaii and then we spent a magical weekend together. We had a trist. Yeah, we had a trist. Correct me if I'm wrong.

You didn't know who we were before we met. No. No. I didn't. My friend did though. Let's try to reminisce for a second and figure out our origin story. We're in Hawaii for a show. And we went to...

Tropics. Was it tropics? Yeah, we were in an Uber and we asked where people go to party. Yeah. We didn't do anything. We said it like European tourists. What do people go to party? Where do we go to make potty?

And he dropped us off at tropics. As a Hawaiian transplant, can you describe tropics for us mainlanders who don't understand? There are bars that happen about once a night on the weekdays. Thursday nights is tropics. Oh, so the island is small enough where every day has a bar. Yeah, and that's about it. So, okay, so Thursday is tropics. Thursday is tropics, but it's also college night.

Okay. Which is mainly underage night. Got it. So like 21 and under night basically. Yes, pretty much. And at tropics they're a little bit looser with the ID checking. Is that what happens? Yeah, they didn't card me.

And I don't know if it was because I look 32 or... Your calves are really rashy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that an eczema or something? And I have a bald spot. Everywhere. On my sideburn. So we're at tropics.

We're having fun. You're there because it's a Thursday and it's college night after all. We run into a buddy of yours or a buddy of yours sees us. My buddy AJ says that's Jake and Amir over there. I said, I don't know who that is. Okay. He said they used to make videos for college humor. I was like, cool.

He's like, I had a can't go talk to him. I was like, well, I'll go say hi to them. That's nice. So walked up, started talking to you, beautiful gentleman. And we just, we hit it off. We clicked. We, you were talking about what you do, how you're sort of a travel bug. You know, like hikes on the island.

We eventually committed to going on a hike with you the following day. Mistake. Yeah. For Jake, for sure. Oh yeah, I hurt my foot. Yeah, which still hurts. Yeah, it still hurts. But I honestly, I wouldn't take it back.

I don't think I'd take it back. Did we go to the beach and eat tacos before or after? It was after because I remember my foot. So that the next day we went on a hike, Jake hurt himself. You're glossing over that evening after the hike. We went, we partied. Was that the night of the show? No.

No, Saturday was the night of the show. We can't. We can't remember. Did we party two nights? We don't. Yeah, we did. Because there was the one night that we went out. Oh, we went to Rum Fire.

Yes. That's right. Because it was Friday. And that's the Friday. That's the Friday spot. And that was when we pre-gamed with Miguel and Ebony. Yes. How could you forget?

How could you forget? This is an inside joke for Sean. This podcast is only for Sean's friends. Yeah. So then we're hanging out with Miguel. Ebony's there, of course. Sean's like a make-a-wish kid. And we're just giving him his own podcast to take to his friends.

This is make-a-wish for us. I just love reminiscing on Hawaii. So we had a lot of fun that night. And then the next day, Sean took us to like a secret beach. Just the three of us. We basically had an awesome romantic weekend, but it was just three dudes. Yeah. It was Vicky Cristino Barcelona.

Have you ever done that with like a lady that you met? Like had an amazing romantic weekend away? Or did you save that just for Jake and Ebony? Just for you guys. Got it. Just for you guys. So this wasn't like a classic Sean move that you do on everybody that misses the island. Never.

Never. I stay away from the world. You're scratching him. And the things that you texted me, do you also text that to other buddies? Just Miguel. Am I just one of your playthings, Sean? And you'll get bored of me and throw me out like the others? Because I saw Sean and Frank carved onto a tree at the secret beach.

I don't know if you noticed that. But since then, I guess you've been listening to the podcast and you feel like we've been here. I have. So that was good marketing for us. The show didn't go well in Hawaii, but at the very least we made a podcast. We should spend a weekend with lots of random people. Yeah. And if we do that millions of times over, we'll have the most popular show on the internet.

They use our coupon codes. Sean? Where's my me undies, by the way? I'm still waiting on those. Oh, all the converts just expect free stuff from us. I see. I see. We're in the hole.

But let's get into it. This is an advice show. It's an advice podcast. The only one on the internet hosted by me and Jake. Sometimes just us. Sometimes we have a friend. Today we have Sean Joest. S-E-A-N-J-O-S-T.

Midwesterner turned Hawaiian. Now you're in San Francisco. Correct. Okay. I'm just trying to put the context so people understand when you start giving advice where that's coming from. What's your Instagram? That's how people know who you are.

My name is Sean underscore voyage one. Sean Voyage. Sean Voyage. Yeah. Why one though? Sean Voyage. Because someone stole it. Someone stole it.

Somebody else had the same bright idea. But yours is one, not two. Yeah. One is technically the second one. It's true. Yeah. Sean Voyage one. All right.

So here's one. Here's a question for us that comes from some guy named, and then Sean, you give him a fake name. It's a man. Let's go Brennan. That's cool. Bosworth. Yeah.

I love that. You're a natural. So it's summer, writes Brennan Bosworth, and there's this bar crawl on local beach bars. Sean, you get it so far. I know why you chose this question. Everyone's drinking and having a good time, and supposedly I take my buddy's sunglasses from his head and wear them in a bar while we're hanging out. And we're all pretty tipsy at this point, but still having a good time.

This is around 8 or 9 PM. At some point we split off and we go our separate paths, and around 11 or midnight he starts calling me and texting me asking me where his sunglasses are. I'm dancing and hanging out with a girl so I don't answer immediately. Turns out I lost the sunglasses. And as the bars are closing I answer one of his calls and due to the noise I barely make out that the sunglasses cost 40 bucks. I backtrack to the bars I went to and I couldn't find the glasses so I Venmo him $40 to pay

for what I lost. Here's the goddamn twist. Turns out the mother fudging sunglasses weren't 40, they were 140. Should I pay the full 140, or only pay what I think is fair based on the fact that no one should pay that much for sunglasses? Oh god. What they do, they shouldn't allow people to easily have free reign with them. Hindsight, forget the options if your friend lent you an incredibly pricey item and you

lost them. What would you do? Thanks, in best regards, Brennan Bosworth. P.S. I'm still drunk and this happened two hours ago. I don't want to pay $140. It'll only be another hundred now. Yeah, he's already in the hole.

Sean, what would you do? You're a sunglasses guy. My sunglasses cost $10. Yeah. Because I keep losing expensive ones? That happens a lot to people, right? It's like sunglasses are seemingly disposable. They're so easy to lose.

Why? I've only lost a pair of sunglasses once in my entire life. How is that possible? I'm just the man. Yeah, again, they're flaking a lot onto the floor. Try not to move as much. Your thighs are really dry. That's right.

It's like spreading or something. My thighs are dry. Arm pits are wet. Yeah. I see you're keeping wet. Stopping on the top, dry air it on the bottom. You know how some people keep sunglasses on the v-neck of their collar? Jake does that on a skin flap on his knee.

I have a little kangaroo pouch that's made out of a dry skin layer. This is for my Ray bands. I have prescription sunglasses, so I can't lose them, but at the same time, I don't like bringing them around very often. No one wants to wear those. So you're safe. Exactly. You're a beach-going kind of guy, a feller.

You got lots of sunglasses. Where are you losing them? Just setting them down and walking away. The jumping in the water a lot, going swimming with them. That's cool. Yeah, I would never do that. Leaving them at a party. Yeah, I wouldn't go to parties either.

You wouldn't go to parties? Yeah, I wouldn't go to parties or jump in water. It sounds pretty dangerous, actually. It's risky. I went to parties in the air. It's risky. And then sometimes you're at a beach, and then it's sunny, and then you're still out. You go out that night, and then you forget your sunglasses because it's dark.

That's cute. Yeah, I don't do that. That's an easy time. I would always go home. What helps is having a significant other that carries a bag. Jill has a little bag, so if we go out, and it's bright, got my sunglasses, and now it's dark, I don't need them, I put them in the bag. And I send Jill home, and she puts my sunglasses where I need them to.

Under lock and key. What I have now, you need the string, you need the croaky string. Oh, that's cool. Put them around your neck. You can't lose them. Yeah. It's a real dad move. But dads are cool now.

But it's good. Yeah. Have you gotten into fanny packs yet? I do have a fanny pack. See, I think dad stuff is now starting to become cool again. I also have a fanny pack. Really? I bought a fanny pack.

Yeah. Wow, it's happening. Let's take it to New York with me. It's great. Oh, it is so great. It's so nice. The only bad thing is how they used to look. That's why people didn't like wearing them anymore.

But as cooler people start wearing them, that stigma is lifted, and you can wear the fanny pack again. Yeah. Fanny packs are in. They're all over the place at Urban Outfitters and the like. What about like a Euro man bag? So it's like a fanny pack that goes over your shoulder. I've seen LeBron wear that.

Dad, I think you're just a drug dealer. Yeah. I'm pretty sure you're just a drug dealer then. That's just like, I like the function of a fanny pack, hands-free. I don't want to walk around with a shoulder bag. That makes me feel encumbered. Does it get a little sweaty where the strap is and then where the flap is on your gut? Just have to keep moving it.

Just keep moving it side to side. Across the shoulder move? I've never done it. I've seen it though. I think I'm going to have to try it. I'd practice it. It was cool. Was it?

Yeah, but it eliminated just about all of the function of the fanny pack because every time I needed something from it, I had to like move it or take it off. Yeah. And if you want to zip it, it's just going to fall out. Yeah. It was not that useful, but it looked cool in a photo where someone took. Where did you fanny? Did you do fanny in the front or fanny in the back?

In the front. Kept it in the front like a little kangaroo pouch. Yeah. It was when I was in. I was in Fire Island and there was a huge crowd of people, so I was keeping it tight. I'm more of a side fanny. Yeah, like right there on the hip. Yeah.

Like where cowboys used to keep their rubble. I was like, I was front, I was front side, like kind of where my pocket would be. Oh, I see. Sean's on the side and now you're going front side. But when I ask you, you say front, right? But Sean's on the side. Mine's actually kind of towards the front. Kind of on the side.

I'm changing my Instagram to jakeboyon. Fucking one. How's that? He could probably have the first one. There's no jake pouch. It's not a pun anymore if you do that. Hashtag side fanny. Me and Sean are starting a trend.

Me and Sean are twins. How's that? You're a fucking loser. You lost your friggin' sunglasses. Welcome to Jake and Sean's podcast. No. Would you wear a fanny on a normal day or did you have to like first dip your toes in it on like a festival environment?

I would wear it on like, I like, I like the idea of it for when it's hot one and two, like when you're traveling. Like I would at that festival day, we had like moved from my friend's beach house, like got on a ferry, went to this like crazy party and then I like had to take the ferry back onto a car. You know, just like. Oh, why is that better for a fanny? Because you don't.

What does this fanny look like? It's, it was just like a black Patagonia fanny. Oh. Unless yours is colorful. Classic. Mine was purple. Mine was a pink Jansport. But I think it feels good to like move, to like be able to walk swiftly and not like,

you know, have your hand hit your cell phone, your keys and your wallet in your pocket. Yeah. Like having nothing in your pocket just feels good. Yeah. But that's, that's why I feel like you can, if you're, if you don't mind the fanniness of it all, you can do that every day. All the time? Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you could. Sean? I mean, I live in San Francisco, so a fanny pack is pretty normal there. Oh, really? You can do it every day. Really? Do you do it every day? Absolutely not.

Oh, never. Do some people do that? You're just walking down the street? Oh, yeah. Fanny. I kind of like the fact that it's pocket clean, because like, you know, tight pants get stretched out with phone, wallet and keys. That's it.

I kind of actually can't imagine wearing it with pants. I only picture it with shorts. Sean? Same. Good man. Woo. God, I'm sweating. I hate saying it first before Sean says it.

What do we disagree? Because I might have to retcon. All right, so what is this guy doing with this guy's sunglasses? I mean, this is insane. Do you owe him the full fare? Yes, you owe him the full fare. You drunk asshole. You lost his sunglasses.

Yeah, but he didn't know there were 140. We weren't given to him either. He took them, he said. Well, honestly, he shared the responsibility, 70 on me and 70 on your dumbass for giving them to me. For paying them in the first place. You shouldn't be giving them to me, your biggest asshole friend. You know, I'm down to lose them and not paying back.

Have you ever lost somebody else's sunglasses? No, but I have had a friend lose mine. Wow, and? Paid. Wow. The full 10? Yeah, exactly. Or just the five spot that he thinks they're worth.

We had to split it. We're not friends anymore though. He just paid you back for half the lenses. Do you think there's something to the idea that if you bought a 200 pair of sunglasses, you wouldn't lose them? No. I would guarantee I would lose them at some point or scratch them. Got it.

Maybe worthless. Do you have a favorite pair that you've lost? Mmm. Some Oakleys. You'll never get those back. Never. They're in the bottom of a lake in Minnesota. They're Oakleys.

They were real Oakleys then. That's what made me stop buying them. Oakleys are probably going to come back too. I mean, everything that I think is uncool. Yeah, this was 2009 probably. I'm going to make a prediction of something that's not going to come back. Skechers. Really?

Yeah. Ever. Those are like peak 90s. Those should be back. When were they popular and why? Yeah. They were ugly then and they were really ugly now. Yeah.

Wasn't it like 1997 or something? Although you look at Yeezys now and they're kind of trending towards like nurse shoes like that. Yeah. I mean, I think that like the style, but just never the brand. I see. Skechers. I don't think they're comfortable either.

There's no way. What about the Skechers that are around? There's a Mikey's that look that have that kind of like basket. The butt lifting? Yeah. Yeah. It's good for your calves. All right.

Another question? Yeah. Yeah, but actually first I want to talk about, because we touched on it. You said prescription glasses. Yeah. And you were talking about doing LASIK. That's right. I'm still considering it, trending towards doing it, but still at like the 20 to 30%

shirt mark. Oh, that's kind of low. That is very low. I'm taking a slowly, a slow walk across the football field and then when I get into the end zone, I'll get LASIK, but I'm still like in no rush to do it. What are the, I guess like what's the, what are the factors for you here? Then the actual lasers of it all, like I want to avoid having the lasers and then two, whether or not I'll wear glasses going forward.

And that's it? Yeah. The lasers and then the whether I wear glasses or not. So one is just like a fear of the actual procedure and the other is sort of like a self image. Yeah. And what are the factors that make you want to do it? Being able to wake up for the first time in like 25 years and see clearly.

Yeah. That sounds pretty nice. Yeah. That's definitely, that's definitely like, in the glasses thing, I mean, you can wear glasses. You can still have that image. Yeah. I'm actually thinking about buying some glasses.

Just to have. Yeah. Just. Marty did that. Marty's wearing glasses occasionally now just to like have as like a, you know, I thought he was doing that for like his computer screen. He also is trying Warby's actual just like glasses, cool. And I think you should talk to some people that got LASIK because the lasers scared me

too. Yeah. And then after they did the first one, I was like giggling to myself at how un-scary it was. How long did it take? The whole entire thing, four days. But something went wrong. The procedure itself was probably like 15 minutes, if that, maybe even 10 minutes.

That's amazing. And then it was like, it was a day of recovery. Yeah. It was pretty easy. I also don't know if, I mean, I'll have to go in and get like the pre-check and everything like that. But like I said, all right, I'll put myself on the 35 yard line. Nice.

Moving me along slowly. All right. Here's a question. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. My parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really

easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma.

She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. Oh, I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was

pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. She let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family

in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames.

That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait.

Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on.

Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable

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Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. That's from another dude based on a conversation we were having the other day about foreskins. Do you have a guy who would ask a question about foreskins? Kyle. Oh yeah, that's classic. It sounds like your name. Kyle, Kyle.

Spelled two different ways. Kyle, Kyle, right? So I'm a 22 year old man and that has now been sexually active for around five years. I recently been with a girl who asked me if I was circumcised after we had seized the cheese. I found it odd that she would ask me that and quickly responded with a simple no. She seemed surprised by my answer as was I with her reaction. I never thought about this issue until now.

I had noticed before that I don't have much of a foreskin to work with when I'm tugging the little guy, but I only thought that was what I was made to work with since my birth. But now that she mentioned it, I do have my doubts and I can't quite know for sure simply by comparing myself to pictures or videos online. I'm hesitant to ask my parents as it's going to be an extremely awkward question, but I'm starting to think that the only way I'm going to be able to know for sure is by asking them, what would you guys do in my situation? Would I simply live my life without knowing for sure if I was ever mutilated down below

as a newborn? Should I ask my parents and how should I bring it up if so? Or is there another option I'm not taking into consideration here? Was this ever an issue with you guys as to whether or not you were cut below the waist seeing as you are both Jews? Love? Kyle? Kyle?

So this guy doesn't even know if he's been circumcised. John? This is shocking to me. I think he needs to work on his relationship with his parents first. Yeah, don't worry about your relationship with your foreskin, worry about your relationship with your dad. You can't talk to them about your dick? How do you not know?

Sean, are you free and open enough to discuss your dick status? Yeah, sure. And? Uncircumcised. For sure, though. For sure. Positive? I asked my dad about it.

Just to verify. Yeah, you have to ask a parent because they're the only ones that have seen your dick when you don't remember it. So like, I remember my dick from age six on. Before that, I got to ask my mommy. Who else has seen your dick more than that? When you're circumcised, you have no foreskin at all. Right?

Sean? Sean's a nurse. Oh, that's a good question, you're a nurse as well. I am. So do you ever have to deal with circumcisions? Do you know the anatomical? No, I don't do any, no. You don't do that?

No. Do you know the... You're the stool tester, right? I've seen it done before. What's the deal with foreskins? Do you know anything about them? What's your question on foreskins? Medically, why?

Evolutionarily, why? Is there a pro-protection? I guess protection. Protection, yeah. Yeah. From the elements. We're running around naked. Yeah.

It's just protecting us. Yeah. And then now it's like, oh, we have pants and technology, we don't need the foreskins, so snip, snip, occasionally. Well, you guys decided that. Yeah, well, I didn't get to decide, my father did it for me. And the moil, drunk with power, on Gower, do you think that your mom or dad have seen your dick for a longer time than you have?

No. No way. Because of bats. Of course not. I'm almost 33. Yeah, but imagine bats in the years that you were naked. Yeah, but I've... When was the last time you looked at your dick?

That's another good question. Maybe you haven't seen your dick. Huh? There's no way. As far as your parents have. My parents stopped seeing my dick when I was 19. I promise you. I'm saying there aren't days where you just stare at your dick.

So I think your parents... You speak for yourself. Speak for yourself. Your parents might have a huge head start on you because they spent years looking at your little dick. Why would you think they were looking at... Did they spend days looking at your dick? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, if I'm naked running around... I understand you now. Now I understand. Bat bathing, being a little... You were running around... No, we're not running around naked. You don't know that.

You don't know me. As a one-year-old, two-year-old... You're always covering up. You're so demure. You little prude, two-year-old Jew boy, being shy for the first time ever. All right, so is there any way to find out without asking your parents if it's like a half-and-half situation? If you have a foreskin, you're not circumcised.

But then there's like... Maybe... Maybe they just took off not enough and he has like a quarter of a foreskin. One skin or two skin. I think there'd be a scar. I mean, you ask a doctor. Oh. Just go to your doc.

Just go to your doc. So like, I have a weird question for you. Will you take a look at my dick and tell me if I'm circumcised? Yeah, I mean, you do need to know. I'd invite the extended family to dinner and then just announce it there. Stand up. I have a question for my mom. You could have a late bris too.

Like late in the day? No, no, no, no. Late in life. A late onset. Oldest guy to ever have a bris. I think... What if you jokingly talk to your parents and you're like, I might get a circumcision. Then, regardless of how they answer, you'd be like, I'm fucking with you.

And they'll be like, why do you want a circumcision? You already had one. Or that's a good idea. Oh, they lift a little bit at the bottom. Don't you think, mom? Look at this. Yeah. I mean, if there's anything there...

Also, why does it matter? It doesn't. I feel like that girl was surprised because maybe she had never been with an uncircumcised guy or something, or maybe she'd only been with uncircumcised guy. I don't know. She's not scared to ask. Maybe she should ask his parents. Yeah, that's true.

That's good. Let's do that. Can you meet my parents? He goes to the bathroom and she's like, really quickly, I want to ask you this question. Why would she ask? That's my question. That's why I think it's like a 50-50 down there. Is she asking because she's confused because she thought he is or because he's not?

I think she was, she looked at it and she's like, I'm on the fence. Yeah, you never hear, like, circumcised or uncircumcised, but you never hear about the half-circumcised. That's what I'm saying. Half of a foreskin is a two-skin, and maybe there's this some fucking fetish about it where it's like a mock turtleneck down there. It doesn't go all the way. I mean, from watching porn, there are different sized foreskins.

You watch porn? We get these questions sometimes where people are talking about like, they have an extra long foreskin or they have like a shorter foreskin or their foreskin is too tight for their dick. Extra long? Have you ever heard of that happening? No. In your profession?

I really only know about my foreskin. Oh, really? To be honest. That makes sense. So you're not just cutting people's foreskins? No. Whose job is that, though, in the doctor world? Just a doctor, I guess.

A barber, I guess. It's a pretty simple procedure, actually. Oh, you do know that? They just clamp it down. Really? And it rots itself off, right, or something? No, no, no, no. You're thinking of lay-sick again.

Yeah. But what happens if they clamp it down? I mean, there's a safety metal piece that goes, I don't even know how to describe it, to be honest, around the head, and then there's another piece that goes on top of that, so it leaves a very small area to cut and just cut around that. Wow. And then it's either hot-erized or... And then, no.

And then the only thing they use for, like, anesthetic is just, like, sucrose for the baby, because the baby just starts crying right away. There's no pain relief really at all. No pain relief? No, it's pretty bad. No wonder I have such a high threshold for pain, knowing that I stared the rabbi in the eyes and said, do your worst, bitch. That's why when you spank it, you can spank it so hard.

What the fuck's that supposed to mean? I just mean you masturbate really intensely. Okay, okay, but that's it. Don't go any further. And you do it a lot. All right, that's quite enough. And you'll often try to come in the air and catch it in your mouth. I'm going for distance on height.

Going for distance and style. All right, I hope we helped this guy. Let's take a break, thank some sponsors, and we'll be back with more questions and answers with Sean Frickin' Joest, Voyage the First. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our program. Oh yeah. I think there's nobody on the planet like you, so why would you buy a generic mattress built for everyone else?

I appreciate the compliment, bud. You actually got a Helix mattress. Yes. So you know how it works? I do. I know that my back was all fucked up. And now? It feels good.

Helix Sleep built a sleep quiz that takes two minutes to complete, and they use the answers to match your perfect body type and sleep preference to the perfect mattress. I completed it, and they did. And you said that they can do, like, different for the left and right side of your bed, right? That's right. Jill's got a softer side of the mattress, and I got a firmer side of the mattress. It's pretty cool. We took the quiz together.

It was romantic. And then you eskimo-kissed at the end. That's enough. It's absolutely uncouthed. Leave my fiancé out of this. I didn't say anything about her. You said you brought her up. You brought up the eskimo-kiss.

That's fine. That's cute. No, it's not. Oh, fuck. So whether you're a side sleeper, hot sleeper, or like a plush or firm bed with Helix, there's no more guessing or confusion. All you got to do is go to helixsleep.com. If I were you, take the two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a mattress that will

give you the best sleep of your life. Guaranteed. If you want that extra sauce right now, Helix is offering up to $125 off all mattress orders. That is a huge, huge deal. Huge deal. You can get up to $125 off at helixsleep.com slash if I were you. That's helixsleep.com slash if I were you for $125 off your mattress order. Love that.

Love that, too. Helixsleep.com slash if I were you. Thanks, Helix. Later. And we're back. Sean, do you have any? Oh, let's do it. Mom, I'm coming.

Gross. God, I love that. Yeah. The mom I'm coming sounds extra prescient now because we talked about how my parents saw my dick so much as a child. I feel like you talk about that every show. All right. Unsolicited advice.

People didn't necessarily ask for this, but what do you have to offer us? My unsolicited advice would be to try to wean yourself off of deodorant. Wean yourself off of deodorant. Start just not wearing it a few days a week and see how it goes. And then just stop completely if it's working well. Is it something that anybody can do or just the least sweaty 10% of us? Most of us, I think, can do it. Really?

We just don't know. So you think deodorant is causing people to smell worse and if you just didn't do it, you would naturally smell better? And some of us don't smell very bad. I see. Well, you look like a guy that just has a natural musk. Musk. Yeah.

Elon Musk. Yeah, dude. I need deodorant. Have you tried it? Have you tried it? No, but sometimes when I travel or sometimes I forget to put it on and after a few days, I know that I smell. How often do you shower?

Oh. Oh. Once a week? I guess it's usually when I don't shower that I smell. So if I showered every day, do you think I don't need deodorant? It's possible. So I see. So you're showering more deodorizing less?

Yes. Are you completely off? Yeah. Interesting. Has anybody commented on your BO? No. Ever? No.

Wow. And have you ever, did you have BO more when you were using deodorant? No. Didn't have it then either. Are there health benefits to this or it's just like a purely convenient thing? Is this like a foreskin situation or do I, should I not smell like deodorant? What you don't know may hurt you. What are the benefits to not wearing deodorant, aside from just not having anything?

You don't have to buy it. That's one. That's huge. There is mercury in deodorant, the antiperspirant stuff, which is not very good for you. Got it. That's about it. That's as far as I care. I'm sold on the mercury thing alone, that's pretty good.

But sometimes I get compliments on how I smell when all I'm doing is wearing deodorant. People like the way my deodorant smells. I guarantee it. Oh yeah, that's true. A lot of people's sense of smell worth, I should say, comes from the fact that they wear a specific kind of deodorant or cologne. Are you anti-colon? I don't wear cologne either now.

See, you're just natural. Yep. 100%. Yeah. Well, I mean I bathe myself in ax, obviously. Right. I'll spray. I ax bomb my own room.

I'll spray myself down once a year and that sort of holds throughout the entire rest of the cow. I'll rub pine needles all over my nuts. What? I don't know. I just have a content sprinkler of ax on my clothes. That's cool. In my closet.

That's really fun. All day. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. I'll try it, but I'm a little not 100% convinced. But I don't think I'm that sweaty of a guy either, but I do occasionally you start to smell me. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm afraid. I think that's right. It happens when you don't shower. Yes. I'm fresh for at least 24. Oh, yeah. That's a fact.

Believe that. Believe that. Are you doing a daily shower? Oh, yeah. Maybe twice a day. Really? In Hawaii, it was twice a day for sure. Because of the humidity.

San Francisco, not so much. But San Fran is like 29 degrees every day. Yeah. I shower every day. That's why I don't think I do need deodorant. I'm curious. Try that. I'm definitely curious.

Go every other day. Okay. Start with your wedding day. That's right. It's Monday. I'll probably be sweating that day because it's going to be, I'll be in a suit. I'm going to do it. I'm going to wear deodorant that day.

Okay. And the fanny pack by the way. A fanny pack with a suit. Tuxedo and fanny pack. You don't need a cummerbund. As long as it's a long sleeve, long pants suit, you can wear a fanny pack with it. All right. Let's get to another question, perhaps.

This one is not about deodorant, but it's kind of funny. This one's from a lady. Do you have a lady's name? Mary Cary. Mary Cary. Mary Cary. Any relation to Kyle Kyle? Why?

Would there be? Well, their names rhyme. I'm a freshman in college and I've run into a self-induced sticky situation. My boyfriend of two years and I were having some bedside conversation after some rather vigorous intercourse. And the topic of cheating came up. Excuse me. Oh, God.

Somehow, some way, the thought of asking him if I could slash his tires if he were to ever cheat on me arose. I said it in a joking manner at first, thinking that he would just effortlessly agree because I mean this pussy bomb, but he kept questioning me because I mean this pussy bomb. She's saying that because I mean this pussy bomb. Oh, I see. Because I mean this, that's correct, this pussy bomb. But he kept questioning me.

Then this then seemingly innocent conversation turned into an argument as I stood my ground and he stood his. My side of the argument was that if you were to never cheat on me, then why does it matter if he hypothetically gave me permission to slash his tires? His argument was that I was just being ridiculous. This heated conversation has been replaying in my head, replaying in my head for days now. What does this mean?

Is my pussy not as bomb as I think? Does him not agreeing to let me slash his tires if you were to cheat on me mean that he's been thinking of cheating on me? Am I crazy or am I just overthinking it? Do I have the right to be so angry? Wouldn't you just agree to my hypothetical scenario if you were in his position? What would you do? Thanks.

In advance, PS saw you in San Francisco. Come back. Hey, shout out to San Fran. San Fran. Hit me up. Sliding my DMs. That pussy is bomb. What is it?

What's her name? Mary Carrie. Mary Carrie. Yeah, this is a real humdinger. Why didn't he just agree to just letting her do that? Yeah, this is one of those questions where I agree with like, I just go back and forth on who I agree with because I would probably just say, yeah, of course you can slash my tires.

But on the other hand, this guy's like, no, I don't want to give you permission to destroy my property. Regardless of what I do to you. You can break up with me. That'll be pretty bad. But you can't deface my car. Yeah. It's kind of a weird line to stand as a hypothetical because like, ideally it'll never come up.

And if it does, your relationship is over and then like, you don't want this weird thing hanging over you of like, well, I did say that she could do it if I did do it. But I mean, like, you can still get in trouble with the law. You can't be like officer. He told me one time in bed that I could slash his tires. Yeah. I don't know. Sean, what are your impressions?

Is this their normal post-coytist conversation? Yeah. It's just about worst case scenario. What would you rather? Yeah. Sean has a problem with the communication in all of these. All of these is just poor. I mean, I probably would just say, sure, slash my tires.

Yeah. Because like, if she's getting this worked up about it. Also being in a relationship is sort of an implicit agreement that you won't cheat on me. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, you can also, would you say you can kill me if I cheat on you? Yeah, I guess so. But I think that like the foundation of a good relationship.

The foundation of a good relationship is like, I'm not going to cheat on you because I respect you. Not because I think you'll harm my car. My car. It's just that. Which I don't care about too much either. So don't do anything to my sedan. It's a loose, loose, really.

Because like, regardless of what you say, you're not happy with the outcome. These questions really. I only have one spare. Would you hypothetically let me slash your tires? That's so funny. But now that, let's say the guy did this in the females position, would you get mad? Would it be weird if he wouldn't? If he wouldn't.

If he wouldn't what? Let her hypothetically, if he's like, no, you can't slash my tires. Is that something worth getting mad about? No. I don't think so. Yeah. I don't really know where she's getting off on. I think I probably would have just handled the argument a little differently if she was

like, if, you know, if I was like, if you cheat on me, I'll slash your tires and they're like, huh, no you won't. I'd be like, okay, well, then I'll break up with you or like, then I'll fuck some, I'll fuck my ex. And then, then the boyfriend would be like, okay, okay, hey, don't. This is when like the hypothetical situations get too real, though, because like, all right, if you slash my tires and I'll sleep with your friends, like, oh, don't sleep with my friends because I'll do this.

And then suddenly you guys are yelling at each other. Then you suddenly just like both roll out of the bed in either direction and go fuck with the other person. She grabs a fucking kitchen knife and sprints down the street. He's frantically texting his girlfriend's friend. Please. Sheila. I need to slide it to your D-M-A-S-A-P.

Fuck. Um, do I have the right to be angry? That's like a more of a philosophical question. I think you always have the right to be angry, but I don't necessarily agree with what you're being angry about. So you have the right to be angry on anything, really. What does your boyfriend have the right to not understand or commiserate with your anger? It's a weird line to cross or it's a really like way to set your foot down if you're the

boyfriend. It's like, I won't let you do this regardless of what I do. I'm a man of principle. I think it also matters, though, if this is like in character for your boyfriend. Like I could imagine having this argument with you and you would stand your ground on like a hypothetical situation where like logic is involved, whereas I would just lie and be like, yeah, you can slash my tires. And it's funny because then I'm also more likely to cheat on something than you are.

Yeah, like it doesn't really... It's being honest. It might be a good thing if you want to spin it that way. That's true. It's like you can't slash my tires because I'm a man of principle and honesty and I won't cheat on you. I think what it all comes down to is that this conversation, like whether or not he agrees to let you slash the tires means nothing.

He could still cheat on you either way. But is he less likely to do so by saying, no, you can't slash my tires? Or is he more likely? No, not at all. Not at all. Because you could always just say, yeah. He's going to do it. He's going to do it for sure.

Right. But if he's going to do it, maybe he's the kind of guy that's like, yeah, you can slash my tires, baby. You're never going to find out rather than like, no, don't slash my tires because I'm not going to cheat on you. That's why this conversation is absolutely pointless in everybody. Yeah. You should let go of whatever anger you have and just like try to use other context clues

to see if he's cheating on you. All right. One last question. Let's get another lady's name rhyming or not. Let's go with Elizabeth. Not going to rhyme then, right? Elizabeth. Elizabeth.

Nice. The third. The third. The third. Three Elizabeths and the third. Right. I started hooking up with this guy who's into choking me. I liked it, but I'm concerned that it could cause problems.

I know a lot of people do it. I'm just worried about long term effects. Do either of you guys have experience in this? If it's not safe, how do I tell him not to do it anymore? Thanks for the advice. Love. Elizabeth. Elizabeth.

Elizabeth. The third. Sean, you're a nurse. Is it safe? You're also out of poverty. I'm a nurse and a choker. I'm a nurse and a choker. Yeah.

If you don't like it, you can just say you don't like it. Yeah, that's true. That happens. Yeah. And that's fine. That's definitely fine. Also, how hard is this guy choking? Because there are different ways of choking.

Yeah. You can't do just straight forward on the windpipe. That's not a good choke. It's more of around the neck. I see. So it's more of like a neck muscle squeeze rather than cutting off air to the brain? Correct. It's a hug.

I've been known to choke. I've been known to hug somebody's neck before. But I, well, she said she liked it. She's just worried about long term effects. Are there any of those? I'm not a nurse. I don't know. Unless he like passed out.

Unless he's bruising her every time, then she's going to be fine. We're passing out. Yeah. That's not good. Don't let them make you pass out. Did you guys have that like phase in your elementary school where like kids were passing out on purpose? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Or it's like those kids always ended up doing drugs. What was that? What were you like? You could like hold somebody against a wall a certain way. Yeah. That was it. Like on their windpipe.

And then they would pass out. It was like, that was a game. Yeah. I never did that. I had too much of a pussy. And my dad was like, yeah, you can die from that. Like, oh, you should let these fucking 12 year olds know because they're all doing it.

That's the first gateway drug. Yeah, exactly. Those kids are like, yeah, I'll try marijuana. It's probably safer than cutting the oxygen off of my brain. Do you ever think of like what we're going to be warning our kids? Like what's going to be the thing when we have a 12 year old? Oh, yeah. Like, hey, don't let your friends make you pass out.

Yeah. Or like swallow a tennis ball and try to cough it up. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's going to be some sort of like digital thing that we don't know about. Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Like an app that fucking blinds you by accident or something. Or like some like hologram fucking.

Yeah. That's really cool actually. Let me give, let me give that a whirl. Why don't you bring your hologram in here? What's your old man giving a shot? I'll show you how it's done. You know, I used to make your mom come pretty adequately. I moved away 10 years ago.

Yeah, I know. I know. Where's the hologram though? Help. So you have experience in this. It's always fair to ask and it's always fair to say no. Absolutely. Um, worried about the long term effects, probably no long term effects.

No. Yeah. I think it's really making people pass out, which is that's like more of a strangle. I think the difference between a strangle and a choke is one is like squeezing of the neck muscles. The other one is cutting off oxygen. That's nice linguistically. I like that.

Yeah. A strangle is like, that one doesn't sound sexy at all. I want you to strangle me. Yeah, no. That's like the auto erotic. People wear chokers. You know, like there's something to it. That's like, those are sexy.

Yeah. But no wear a strangler. That's right. The belt tied so tight around your neck that you're just turning purple throughout the day. Uh, although would that be cool? Like a fanny pack? Have you ever choked somebody?

A mil? Uh, I've done my fair of choking, squeezing. I'd like to call it squeezing choking. I was also like- That sounds right. Yeah. Squeezing. Yeah.

What's it called? Like a knuckle. And the adjective of a neck, knuckle choking, knuckle squeezing is what I like to call it rather than choking. I hope you don't call it that during. Do you mind if we engage in knuckle squeezing? Can we knuckle squeeze? Could I hug your neck with my hand?

Never mind. I'm coming. I already came. Before I asked the question. I came thinking about asking. It was the word knuckle. The permission gets me up. Uh, alright.

Sean, that was a hit. I think it was a success. Do you have anything to plug? What do you have to promote? Just my Instagram. That's it. I'll slide into my DMs, please. San Francisco.

It's fun to have a friend on that's not a fucking comedian. Who's looking to talk about their projects. That way we can shine. Yeah. But your Instagram, you're traveling all over the place. So if you want to see some awesome photos of Sean traveling. Yeah, we didn't even talk about you. You're a world traveler.

But go explore Sean's Instagram and you shall see. Uh, what is it again? Sean. That's right. Underscore. Voyage. First. The one.

I'm sure once you guys start searching it'll pop up pretty highly. Sean Underscore. Voyage one. S-E-A-N. That's right. Correct. Opening theme song was written by Doug. Closing one, Sylvana, who did this acapella type song for us.

Ooh, I love acapella. I'm ready for this. If you have your own theme songs or your own questions, send them on down to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. Thanks for listening and we'll be back next week. Bye. Jake. I'm Jake.

I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake.

I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake.

I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I am Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake.

I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake. I'm Jake.

I'm Jake. I promise you.