If I Were You - 343: Tom Cruise

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

In this episode we discuss Jake's birthday, stupid cats, and Mission Impossible.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Chicky, can I come over after school? We can meet up here, he's a chipmunk too. Did your mom get back from a shopping trip? I like the way she bakes and how she makes chocolate chips And I know that she's married, I need some advice Cause if she gets with me, I'll take her to paradise Chicky's mom has got it going on

She's all out and your dad seems like such a charm Chicky, don't you see? I really love your mom's cookies I really need to know if I wear you to a podcast show Fuck you John What the fuck was that? So it was just a parody of Stacy's mom, but it was about your mom It was about my mother

Yeah, it's called J.K.E.s mom Yeah, it made me feel quite uncomfortable This guy says, that's rice, I'm back I wrote a Weezer parody, I noticed all he did was made fun of my Instagram name So I have, for the record, illegally changed my name From Jax1 underscore to Jants1 Try making fun of that A smear

I make music with a band called Club Paradise Find us on at this club, this is Club Paradise on Instagram Also, come to Newcastle in England Also, I'm calling out my friend John, he will listen to this And I'm challenging him to a contest where we write intro songs This can only be good for us Yeah, this is great This guy's great, he did the Weezer song and now he's back

Check him out on Instagram, Jants1 Jants1, I actually would be down for him to be my daddy Now that I think about it, my dad is a little bit of a chump A wiener A schnitzel A wiener schnitzel Yes Would you be okay if you found out one of your friends was dating your mother?

Dating? Were they in love? Yes Your mom says, I'm in love with Sean Joest from last week's episode Sean, I might understand, anybody else, I'd be pissed Yeah But Sean can be your stepfather for the afternoon Yeah, I already call him Zaddy

He could be your stepzaddy What about a Kiki Challenge jakey song? So as long as this guy's gonna write another song, it could be the jakey Do you love me? And then we can have the jakey challenge, which is people driving outside of their car to the Kiki parody song that Jants writes You know a lot about pop culture Yeah, it's popular, this culture

You don't know about the Kiki Challenge? I don't You just dated yourself Oh, and it was wonderful, I'm such a gentleman No, it is a very popular Mame Right It is on Instagram I live in a hole

And people are dancing They're dancing outside their car as their cars are moving That's right, they're ghost riding their whip I see Is this because you've been planning your wedding, you've sort of shielded yourself off to everything else in the outside world? Um, it's not like, I don't want to, but yeah, that is what's happening I like, I don't, I haven't looked at Instagram today, isn't that crazy? Is that a, is that legal?

Like, it's 4 20 p.m. Yeah, but I like worked out in the early morning and then I was just like Phone calls, driving, running errands, looking at invitations and place cards and all this Well, not invitations, those are done, you know what I mean? No, I don't know Basically as busy as you are with like regular work and then you stop and distract yourself with something else Yeah I stop doing regular work and I'm distracted by a wedding thing

So a wedding thing is like a part-time job, but you don't make money, you lose money, you make like an event Exactly, you just sort of do worse at everything else in your life Yeah And you slowly waste money for a year And then when your party happens, you're eating dinner and listening to speeches And at the end of the night, the money's gone, but you have a memory of an event called a wedding And you pay the photographer a pretty penny for some, some choice photos That's right, and where do those photos go?

Nowhere I'll put one on Instagram and everybody better fucking like it because it cost me an arm and a leg Can you afford it? No, I can't afford it I can't afford it at all, but that's why I have so many people helping pay for it My parents, Jill's parents, Jill Everybody is donating to this charity, my wedding And it's my special night and they give me cash and then I get there and everyone celebrates me

And they give a speech for me This is your, this is your speech at my wedding I'll bribe you with chicken and steak and then you have to come and sing to me You think you're so important, don't you? I'm drinking a glass of wine No, I'm serious You haven't even had a sip yet Oh yeah, raise a glass

What's your name again? I'm so fucked up from the grape juice We're recording this before your wedding, it comes out the week of your wedding Oh, the week that I'm in New York to be wed Yeah, to prepare for the wed Wow The wed is, will be dead by the time the following episode comes out That's cool

So for now you're still completely unmarried, just like me Bachelor baby, single forever You can do whatever you want Yeah, ain't no rang, ain't no thang You are wearing a ring though Yeah, well I have to try it on and get used to it brother And it burns This ring of fire

Down, down, down This is a fire you, it's the only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by me, I'm Amir I'm Jake And we got some questions from people who are in a sticky situation They're in a difficult place in their lives, they want our advice Because we're now both in our mid-30s, that's right Jake's 33

That great Larry Bird Jersey 33 Yeah dude, I'm the Jesus age Which makes you a little bit of a loser, a little bit of a miser And a little bit wiser And I'm wearing the goat jersey right now Special shout out to Amir Blumenfeld and LeBron James, the goat himself This was my birthday present, jersey number 23 That's right

That's how old I feel I don't know about you I don't know about ye, but I'm feeling 23 That's right I don't know about ye, but I'm feeling 33 Everything will be out my back It really hurts me So these are questions that I found today

Questions from real people, we're going to give them fake names Just to preserve their one last time anonymity Here's one about D&D, since you're feeling 33 And you're playing D&D Oh dude, I played five hours of D&D yesterday Shit was emotional I'm sorry to hear that Don't be sorry to hear that

Honestly, the wedding's probably going to be pretty good But yesterday was the best day of my life Well you didn't even have to throw your wedding under the bus It hasn't even happened yet Probably nothing's going to top what happened yesterday I won't spoil it because the episode hasn't come out yet At the very least, shouldn't say that on this podcast And don't say it on the day

Don't be like, this is an amazing day It's part of my vows I'm not saying it's not as good as my D&D I'm not saying, oh I love you as much as D&D I'm saying I don't even tread lightly You don't even have to bring it up at all I want to be like, this is one of the best days of my life

And that way leaves a room for interpretation Everybody knows that I'm happier when I'm on D&D You don't even have to mean it Just say this is the best day of my life I don't like to lie I like that this is one of the best days of my life D&D is just lying by the way You're just creating a story

Pretend you're creating a story where the wedding I play hard one sure foot, bastard of the mountain Pride of the door furnished, the great acts of I&D This is the oft dead You're vows When you take me, you fair maiden You wench voyage lady And hard one takes you

Kiss me Alright, this is a question a guy What do we want to call this guy? If it's a D&D thing Let's call him Old Cobb That's a guy from our campaign Old Cobb writes, this is my situation It's not his voice at all

Sorry about that Yeah, I don't know man So Old Cobb Not Cod You piece of shit You heard Cobb the first time So Corn writes I'm going to be a senior in college

I'm going to be a senior in college this coming fall And just ended my junior year With an amicable breakup with my girlfriend Of a few months We both agreed to end things since There would be a distance issue during the summer And we didn't want to force it Well, we left things on good terms

And agreed to try to reconnect in the future But I haven't talked to her since Here's my dilemma While we were still dating last semester One of her roommates started planning a D&D campaign For a few of her friends And offered for me to join I never played before

But since I regularly listen to Not Another D&D Podcast I was super excited to start And even created a whole character for myself With a backstory and everything After the break up though I figured I was out of the game But my ex's roommate recently messaged me

And said I'm still welcome to play If I wanted to So my question is this Should I agree to play? Would you guys play in a long running table game At your ex's girlfriend's apartment with her roommate? I love things in a good place with the girl I dated But having not talked to her all summer

Things might be weird Especially if the first time I see her again I'll enroll playing as a forest giant In her living room I really just want to get into the game But I don't want to be inconsiderate To my ex and make things weird I figured Jake might have some wisdom

Since he's becoming quite the D&D nerd himself Thanks for the help, huge fan Love Old Cob Old Cob First of all Cool character

Forest giant Sounds awesome I really am blinded by Love for D&D in this I think he should play But is it easy to create a campaign? Can you just join another campaign? Or it's not that easy?

It's not that simple Because I think D&D is one of those things where you It's really It's fun to just jump in and play As a character But it's kind of hard to find somebody who's a DM It's like a very generous

Undertaking that somebody does They design the entire game And like Make up a bunch of characters And stories and monsters And like guide This whole group Through all of the role-playing

Of the action Yeah, but can you just sort of like Blindly stumble into a library Into the fucking erotica Or fantasy section And grab a nerd Who will like lead your little Nerd party for the next six months

Like you'll do You fucking greasy ass little pale loser Kidnap someone with bad skin And just make them DM Can you imagine if you're a huge nerd And you also didn't like D&D I mean, at that point What's the fucking point?

That's you What are you talking about? You're a huge nerd Yeah, right You're a greasy, math-loving dweeb Well, I love D&D I'm actually a DM You should just

Well, you should Try to come up with a character That's sort of like the first I thought I came up with a character Yeah, but you sort of You didn't fully embrace it You're a magical calculator With a gnome hat

That emerges from trees When everybody mentions numbers That's cool Really? Well, you couldn't really be A magical calculator in D&D Hello Did somebody say boobless?

Never mind I actually do like the character Bye-bye This would definitely work Eight times three That's 24 for me Hello I'm a Jewish abacus

Call me Abigail Crunching the numbers here Four What did you roll? Let me add them up Did somebody say nine? Ooh, what a fail Is nine good or bad?

Probably be bad Awesome, pretty bad All right, so you're saying Go for it because this is A once in a lifetime opportunity What's the worst that can happen? You're on amicable terms I think you did the right thing

By not trying your hardest to play But if the roommate reached out Then I think I guess you have to assume That she probably cleared that with Yeah, I feel like I would want to be Reaching out to the girl Be like, hey, just so you know

Your roommate reached out And wanted me to play So I'm going to arrive on the day Having had a character in mind So you know And then I'm not just surprising you that way But that way you still get to play You gave the girl a heads up

If it was like a non-amicable split Amicable split If you cheated on her She cheated on you And there's this like weird animosity Can that... Have you ever noticed that like In-person situations

Infiltrate the game where it's like Whoa, now we're like Because we were arguing about Who should pay for pizza Now your character is a little crabby In the world Yeah, I've heard of that On like our subreddit

Or somebody might have written in To our podcast about it Which is what? Maybe it was... No, maybe it was on the D&D subreddit Just that like Sometimes the character Like the dynamic between friends

Can be kind of like fraught And you know It's not often that you get a group Of people that just like Plays really, really well together But so I guess that's like A reason to give this a shot If you think you're going to have fun

And you want to learn to play D&D Then like You don't want to let something like Your ex lives in that house Stop you because you're not in the house When you're playing You are in the fictional realm of the homie Well, that's where you are

Yeah, I don't know the name of their world Is there like a D&D campaign That takes place like in Recita And it's like I walk into a pan to express And I order a two item combo Alright, role There are definitely role playing games

Like that It's not D&D per se But there are role playing games where that Where you can like play in a now campaign Oh, I see And it's just like whatever everyday life Yeah, but I think even then You would probably be like

I walk into Recita I order a pan to express There's an explosion in the back What do you do? Would you ever join another fantasy league? Like another D&D thing? That's right Yeah, I would definitely do

Another D&D thing Would it be hard to like Keep your story straight? Like wait, was I Did I kill myself here? Or was that in another world? I think with two characters I'd be able to keep it pretty straight

I know hard one sure foot Like the back of my fucking hand And I think it'd be fun to do a campaign Where that wasn't recorded So I could just like really be loose Yeah, just say some really fucked up things Yeah, fucking no filter Yeah

I don't have that much of a filter anyway I got sued last week But it would be fun to be a different character How interested are you At this point in playing D&D? Like I'll never force myself into your game But if you guys all came to me And really wanted me to play, I would

You would come and play in earnest You'd be like Yeah You wouldn't just come and be like I'm Jewish calculator boy Yeah Because I'm not going to fucking risk it If you're like

Like this is hard one sure foot here We're talking about This is a fear I don't want you to come on to the podcast And be like I pay it's hard one That's the only thing you don't want me to do Is to just ridicule your character

Well, my character would kill you if you did Yeah, right I've got ninja skills From a calculator with eyes I would definitely make sure that Murph Like made you a level like five So you had less attacks than I did If I ever wanted to prank you IRL

I would say Everyone lets secretly convince me to join the game And then when I join the game Everyone love me and hate hard one And then I'll kill hard one I was not even a prank That would just ruin my life Well, it would be like

We're just fucking with you This isn't a real episode You mean while I'm crying I know I know Hard one didn't take it too personally Horwitz on the other hand is actually like a real loser But you would do another campaign

Yeah, I think I would And I think this guy I guess I would maybe mention to the girlfriend Like hey I was going to play D&D with your roommate But I'll only want to do that If you don't think it's going to be weird So let me know Alright

Here's a question from a lady That's a lady in D&D called Maribel the Terrible Maribel the Terrible Belle writes I'm a big fan and I badly need your help I've been dating my boyfriend for six and a half years Recently I started hanging out with this guy

That's very sexually forward The first time we hung out he was very aggressive About flirting and coming onto me I was hesitant at first But since then I've let him come on my face And penetrate me a little I don't know what to do Okay

I don't want to be You're already doing something I don't want to be treating on my boyfriend But I just can't stop with this other guy He's kind of freaky and into the same shit as me So the chemistry is insane My boyfriend encourages me to hang out with him Because he's also our dealer

And gives me some pretty good prices And I know I won't stop myself So what do I do? I don't want to break up with my boyfriend I love him and I want to be with him And I also want to get fucked by this other guy It's purely sexual So help me, Jake and Amir

You're my only hope Love? Maribel the Terrible P.S. some of the freaky stuff For context is choking, slapping, hair pulling Being held down, general submissive shit And some pretty steamy fantasies of his That I don't think are appropriate for podcasting

My boyfriend will do some of these things for me But not into it in the same way Okay Stay safe with your role play You don't love your boyfriend And want to be with him You can't love someone And then want to have some weird kinky

Crazy sex with your dealer Yeah, you don't get to have both Fuck Also, like She's saying like, I don't know what to do Like something awful isn't already being done Like I killed someone And I don't know what to do

You've ruined your relationship That is over You have had an illicit affair But it's not over yet Because this guy doesn't know about it Right If you actually love your boyfriend Then you should tell him

Or I get not wanting to have this conversation I'm a liar too It's easier not to Break up with your boyfriend You don't even have to tell him You can just say Hey, this relationship isn't giving me Everything that I want

For example, choking And other stimulus But one of the things that you want Is to be fucked by your dealer So your relationship's not giving you that Because that's not allowed in your relationship So you have to say I don't want to be in this relationship

And I want to be fucked by this dealer And if you're looking for a way to get out of the relationship A great way to do so is by saying Hey, I've been fucking our weed dealer And then the guy would be like Oh, I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore And then you can be like I can't believe you're breaking up with me

But I love you and I want to be with you And then I'll be like Well, I don't want to be with you And then that sort of makes the decision easy Because it's he decided and you didn't It's a little weird in like a More general world level That like you can play tennis

Or get frozen yogurt or hug other people But as soon as you have sex with other people A relationship is over Like it's hard to Like imagine explaining that to an alien It wouldn't really make sense It's true When I put my meat into her meat

Then all emotional relations To others that I love are severed But why won't you love her still? I do But I did something bad that won't come It doesn't seem so bad It looks like urination to me That's honestly

Take me to your planet Take me to your dealer Fucking the alien Are you into sub shit? Owl Can I dom? When you pee-peed Was that also cheating?

It looked the same to me It peeped It was You stuck your dick in a toilet And the liquid came out I cheated on my ex with a toilet That's a Mori Povich fucking headline Can you believe that?

How is that fair? I cheated with my fucking toilet Toilet You are the father Flush Anyway, we're saving that for a family guy we're writing Yep Alright, let's take a break

We'll thank some peoples And then we'll be right back after this Alright With some more Q's and A's Yeah Not just Father's Day But for any not so tech-savvy family member That you need a gift for soon

These digital photo frames Might be the best of all time For me personally These things are perfect I'll tell you why As you know I am expecting My first child

We got one for Jill's parents We got one for Jill's grandma Holy smokes We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys In our family right now But they're great Really easy way to stay in touch with your family

You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents kitchen It's really nice Oh, that's cool So you take a photo of anything Perhaps a baby And then it goes to their digital photo Yeah

Frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant We got her the aura frame We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice asshole This was actually a really sweet moment

For me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit Like this is how I told my grandma She was pregnant Yeah Yeah, kind of like she misheard it Or something like that

Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame Holy smokes

And we let her know with an aura Yeah Thank you The aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device Anywhere and invite the whole family in On the fun through the aura app Add me to your aura app

I'd love to upload just a picture of me Like at a pool or something That could be funny Yeah Like your banana or your dog Alongside pictures of my daughter Yeah Yeah

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And we're back Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little sooner than five Mom, I'm coming Gross Sure do, bud Everyone should go see Mission Impossible Fallout

Yeah, it was awesome We're not getting paid This is not an ad It was just cool I just liked it It was long But I was excited about it Because every 30 minutes

The movie resets into a new cool 30-minute movie I just love how much... I think maybe it's just because action movies Have gotten more and more predictable So often at Mission Impossible You're like, oh shit, something's gonna go wrong But you'll get saved at the last seconds Everything goes so, so wrong

Longer than you think it can go in an action movie And they still save it in a quasi-clever, suspenseful way Yeah, there's a... It's just... It's really good I thought all the actors were great Henry Cavill is... Yeah, that guy was really cool

So cool With the mustache and the tall and the strong Yeah, and the hot And I feel like as Superman The point is that he's kind of just like... Boring Yeah, he's like a little... Clark Kent's sort of like vanilla

Yeah So seeing him in like a real role was pretty cool Yeah, and Tom Cruise is awesome Tom Cruise does all his own stunts Which I always thought was like, okay So he's the guy that like holds on to a piece of glass On a green screen and they say, oh, he's on a building That's kind of tough and I respect it

But no, he's actually outside of a building And he's actually sprinting on a rooftop And jumping onto a different building 30 feet away And breaking his ankle I can't believe they used the take where he broke his ankle I guess they were too afraid to do it again Which makes sense But like, even like...

Him hobbling away They could have picked up like him Hobbling over Yeah, but no, they liked it Yeah It's crazy, like it's so dumb that he does his own stunts That like I almost go all the way around From respecting it to not respecting it again

Because they're... You're careful because you'll kill Tom Cruise Yeah, like why do you want to do this, Tom Cruise? Okay, so you broke your foot Now we have to all go home for seven months Are you happy, Tom Cruise? You did your own stunts And now we have to change the fucking movie schedule

That's probably part of it Because you wanted to do it That is part of it Where like, you're like, okay, Tom Cruise is going to do this movie But he won't let anybody do his stunts Does he... Does that mean... It's like somebody having a big trailer

You're like, alright, but Tom wants to be the guy on the helicopter Yeah And he was actually flying the helicopter So when they were spinning and spiraling out of control in that valley He learned how to fly a helicopter so he could do that That's so crazy Does that make him the best stunt person on earth? Because like, is there not an actor?

Is there not a stunt person who could do the helicopter And the running and jumping And like the flipping and the fighting So he learned how to do it all And then also, he's Tom Cruise Like, is there a chance where he's the best stunt person in Hollywood too? Does he get paid extra for doing stunts too? He should get paid extra because everyone's watching this movie for him

That like, one, he says, I will risk getting hurt And then the movie will have to shut down And the movie studio's like, alright, I'm still down to do it And two, he's kind of an insane Scientologist And people are like, eh, that's forgivable He's so good at acting and being cool and being Ethan Hunt That people are willing to just completely gloss over Ooh, that all the weird shit slide

The scary, borderline dangerous, evil shit that Scientology does Yeah, I guess you should also watch going clear the Scientology documentary Because he's in that too And he does all his own stunts Not as good of a light there He's sort of like taking a backseat a little bit Like, it's not as out in the open Scientology for him since going clear came out, I think Yeah, I guess, I don't know, I don't really follow it

But it's also funny to me that like, he was in risky business Yeah, he's been famous for 35 years Like, when he was just a charming young actor It's kind of interesting to be like, you are going to be 56 in an amazing action stunt Yeah, and still sprinting and jumping and looking hot at the same time You're actually dangling from a helicopter and then hoping that you don't die Tom Cruise is the man and so am I Also, wait, what?

I just said Tom Cruise is the man Because he does all his own shit And then what are you? You're the man because you watched it while eating popcorn? I'm the man too, just for unrelated reasons Got it Tom Cruise is also completely like avoided, like, you know how Will Smith has to become more relevant and make his own Instagram videos now? Tom Cruise is not like tweeting up a storm or Instagraming videos behind the scenes

Does he have an Instagram or Twitter? You know, I checked and he recently did, I think, for Mission Impossible But it's like almost like run by his like PR person It's like Clips trailers, it's not like, oh, I'm hanging out with this person He's so guarded, like, I can't imagine a world where Tom Cruise is driving Or texting on his phone Imagine like Tom Cruise waiting for a sandwich on his iPhone Like, I don't think he does that

This is Matt Damon But he's the new Matt Damon But he's like Matt Damon, like Matt Damon, I can't, I can imagine him doing normal things but not doing them poorly I can't even imagine Tom Cruise like going to bed and waking up Like, what is that process like for Tom Cruise? Yeah Does Tom Cruise go to the dentist? The dentist comes to Tom Cruise

The dentist makes a house call for Cruise And then like when they're shooting, is he at a hotel and like getting picked up in a car and arriving to set Or does he take his own motorcycle? Like, I don't know who this guy is and what he does Does he have friends? No He doesn't have a posse, he's not hanging out with like Toby McGuire Does he listen to a podcast? Has Tom Cruise ever listened to a podcast?

I want to say no I have to say no Because I can't fucking handle the reality of Tom freaking Cruise Being a huge fan of my brother, my brother and me and not us I think his name is actually Tom Cruise too, which makes it even crazier I agree with that Like once in every other generation, a hero is born with a perfect name, a perfect attitude, a perfect body A perfect face

This generation, Amir Shmuel Oh hi there, I can sing and dance I wonder if he can do that You think he can do musical theater just because he can do everything good? I think he can dance I don't think he can sing He's still charming as heck Can Tom Cruise sing? Google it

Can Tom Cruise sing? You think he wants to do a comedy like Tropic Thunder style? He has a comedy, Tropic Thunder style Yeah, but he would star in a comedy Or that would be too dangerous for his brand Jerry Maguire is sort of a rom-com Did you see American Made, the last movie he was in? Yes

How was that one? It wasn't as good as... I like these big blockbuster Tom Cruise Well like Jack Reacher and Live, Die, Repeat Or Edge of Tomorrow, that one's called And The Mission Impossible In those movies, he's the man and he knows what's... And he can kick ass

And in American Made, he's sort of a pilot Who stumbles onto dealing with the cartel Like he's not an action hero So you don't buy him You don't buy him as a guy who can't do everything Yeah, it's not the part he was bored to play Right, in American Made, he should have single-handedly taken down the cartel Because he's Tom Frickin' Cruise, that's why

Can he sing? I object But he could probably learn how He learned how to fly a frickin' helicopter I also heard that he learned how to hold his breath for seven minutes Really? In The Last Mission Impossible, where he had to do a whole bunch of underwater stuff Like his character had to be submerged for seven minutes

They can definitely cheat that Has he done a bad movie? Like what's the worst movie he's been in? He's definitely done bad movies What's his seven pounds? Oblivion, I think people didn't like, but I thought it was cool Because at the end of the day, even a bad movie with Tom Cruise is pretty frickin' good He's still Tom fuckin' Cruise Because it's me and Tom and we're hanging out in a movie theater for two hours, at least

You know Cruise is down to chill Alright, that's our unsolicited advice Can he sing? Uh... Christ Blumenfeld, do I have to beg it? Can Tom Cruise sing? The number one auto-fill was can Tom Cruise read Casting, Tom Cruise played Stacy Jax in the film, Rock of Ages

Shankman knew Cruise was in when he heard him And on the first go-around of his voice lesson, confirming that he actually has a fantastic voice Cruise has been singing for five hours a day to prepare for this work as a musician, Stacy Jax Have you seen Rock of Ages? No I haven't seen it either, but it's him singing Oh, that's right, he's Rock of Ages Alright, sweet, let's watch that later

Alright Next question Uh, next question Do you want to tackle a Romanian hottie or a person who might kill their cat? Killing the cat Kill the cat? Let's get another girl's name Moonshine's Ivan Alright, Moonshine's Cybin

That's Emily Right, I'll get straight to the point I'm scared I'm gonna kill my cat, or at the very least injure her severely We just moved and out of our house, the two cats slept in the basement in the old house I know it sounds like a cold hellscape, but they actually loved it But now they don't have a basement or anywhere for them to sleep So I was like, fuck it, they can sleep in my room And it's fun to have them with me, but here's the thing

One of the cats, Lottie, will always sleep right next to me on the pillow She's small enough to take out about half of it, so I don't really move her I always feel too guilty Now you might be thinking, okay, no problem, oh, if you roll over on her I'm sure she'll just meow and run away I fucking wish The thing is, Lottie is extremely fucking stupid I don't know if she just doesn't register pain or what, but she doesn't

I accidentally stepped on her tail once and she didn't flinch She just looked at me dead in the eyes So I feared that I might roll over and suffocate and crush her I know she would just let it happen I love her to death, but she's so painfully dumb The other cat had to teach her how to groom herself when we first got her She stunk for the first year of life until he was like, okay, fuck you, you stink This is how you're gonna clean yourself

So yeah, to sum it up, I might roll over on my cat and she just might let it happen Please help! Also, not sure if we're supposed to put in our info on here But if it's something, or if it's something you sort of guessed But I'll do it anyway, I'm female, 15, and from California Have fun helping me not kill my cat Alright, we are all Lottie We're all the dumb cat then

We're all the dumb cat Imagine being so dumb you don't even say you're in pain I'm stepping on your foot and you stare at me dumbfounded This is fine on the day I wish I didn't feel this, or maybe she just doesn't feel the pain at all Yeah, I think even if you don't feel pain, you probably feel when you're getting suffocated Oh, it's happening, I'm blacking out and I am gone forever Good night, meow

I also think it'd be really hard to like roll over on her if she's on the pillow and you suffocate her Yeah, you'd have to move her under the pillow Yeah, and she would have to be so dumb she wouldn't struggle to get out Here's what I want you to try Give her a little half-drown No A little half-drown to see if she struggles Otherwise, what if she's just staring at you blank-faced under the water and little bubbles are coming out of her nose

She's too dumb to even be afraid of water Then at that point you give up the cat You realize you actually have a stuffed cat, right? Your cat Lottie's not a real cat Lottie has no body She's a stuffed little hottie She can't feel or experience or communicate pain

That's Lottie for you It's like the extreme version of why people don't like cats It's like, I can't reason with this beast It's nice to hear, it's kind of refreshing to hear a cat is stupid Because so often people are like, oh, the cats are so smart Yeah, they're so smart, that's why they act like that They don't just run up for affection because they're smarter than you Yeah, well, give me a dumb-ass dog then

I want someone who's so dumb they think I was dead when I left for five minutes And now when I'm back, they're fucking flipping That's pain That's pain When I step on Luke's tail, I want to hear a little He'll yip He'll yip, yip, and hooray He'll hold a grudge too

Because unlike an elephant, my cat never forgets I'm thinking about getting a dog I'm thinking hard about getting a dog You dog sat the other day I did How'd that go? It was great for my birthday Jill got me a day with a dog

I borrowed a dog from a friend Brought it over the house and I'd never met the dog It was a great dog But I woke up and I just heard panting in the kitchen I was like, doggy And the dog ran into the bedroom Did you think for a second she got you a dog for real? It crossed my mind

My first thought was just like, Jill would never She would never, she didn't And then I looked at her and I was like, you And she was like, we have it for the day Sorry, I was going to ask if you turned into the dog I thought you were the dog for a second And I was like, upgrade Was it like a favor or can I borrow a friend's dog for the day?

She asked her friend if we could borrow the dog for the day We took it on a hike As a gift Yeah, as a gift to me It was awesome You're like a six-year-old boy Yes Except not as sad when they have to give the dog back

Or maybe you were It is a lot to have a dog I was like Constantly like, where's the dog? What's the dog doing? I have to entertain the dog Yeah, because we went on a hike And I was like, got out of the car

And I was like, oh wait, I can't just open the door All right, the dog is on the leash And I'm like, oh, I have to put on my backpack Will you hold the dog while I do this? Yeah, it's this little responsibility, low level That just is constantly there Right, someone has to have their eyes and hand on it At all times

Until you stop giving a shit about the dog Then it's like, oh, I left the dog at home Oh, the dog is wherever Now I'm on a hike and I didn't bring the dog Yeah, I guess I did sort of imagine that Like maybe at some point you like Once you know the dog really well You're like, oh, I don't have to like look

And make sure the dog's not eating the carpet Because I know this dog never eats the carpet Or I know the dog always eats the carpet And the dog's eating the carpet And I can know that without looking Because he's my fucking dog, that's why Did you feed the dog? Fed her treats

That's good Did you water the dog? We have to water the dog We gave her water We gave her lots of water Gave her a couple treats Did you give the dog away at the end of the day? Did you go back or did you sleep with the dog?

We brought the dog back at like 6 p.m. And Jill's friend said that She laid at the door and cried For us Wow, so the dog just one day into it Instantly perverts its new owner I took that dog on a hike and gave it lots of treats It made sense to me that that dog would be in love with me

Because who knows how often somebody who has the dog all the time They're not hiking every day And they're definitely not giving it as much treats as I did It was unhealthy Yeah, too many treats Absolutely unhealthy How many treats did you give her? The dog vomited several times

Treats, the treats What kind of treats? Doggy treats? Human treats Human treats Truffles? Yeah, little chocolates Yeah, you can't do that

You can't do that But it's like a chocolate malt That's a lot of chocolate That's a lot of chocolate for the dog Well, I gave it some Hershey kisses No, that's milk chocolate That's milk chocolate Is the dog not allowed to have milk?

Last time I checked, I breastfed a cat Christ At a funeral Do you want to answer one more question? Sure Give me a guy's name Hard one fucking shirt foot I love that

Hard one writes I love the show and it seems that I need your help I matched with this girl on Hater Who pretty quickly started sending me nudes on Snapchat And I'm a 17-year-old boy from Norway And she's 18 from Romania She was in an open relationship with a girl there Because she was bi

And the fact that we live in different countries Made me think it was harmless flirting and sexting Surely nothing could come of it, right? Think again Got it so far? I think so He matched with a bi stranger in a different country on Hater Where is he from?

He's from Norway Okay, and she's from where? Romania I don't know if that's good or close or... That just seems like a random World Cup match that I accidentally watched once Anyway, she's broken up with her girlfriend since Claiming she was a lying bitch and immediately told me that I was now her main dude It also turns out that she was way more invested in this than I was

As I grew bored of the constant texting a few days after we had started talking But now, a month later, she still texts and snaps a lot While this may be a bit annoying, it's fine I mean, I get a fair amount of nudes from it But here's where things get complicated Yesterday, she sent me a snap saying, you like my Louis Vuitton bag? Well, I'm gonna sell it and a couple more to visit you in Norway I answered with, no, you shouldn't do that

And her reply was, why not? I wanna see you, fuck you I dodged it with some comment about how she shouldn't sell things to see me How she should come to Norway for the scenery I can't help but think that this thing should be like a dream come true But the thing is, I'm a virgin And I don't think I want my first time to be with a girl from a different country Who's a lot more invested than me And in what we have going on

I definitely don't want a long distance relationship But I'm also like another girl that actually... I actually like... Sorry, I like another girl that actually goes to my school And although she doesn't like me romantically yet I'm still really interested in her Me and this hater girl from Romania match pretty well personality wise And keep in mind that she is a super hot girl that I can get nudes from anytime

Without ever having to send someone of my own So my question is, what should I do with this situation? I don't want to hurt her feelings And I definitely don't want her to sell her stuff to come see me And I don't even know if I want to have sex with her I would be very much appreciated to get your help Hopefully before she buys a ticket P.S. attaching some photos so you can see what she looks like

And it's attached to photos of an attractive 18 year old Romanian lady Okay What an international love affair Yeah I don't quite understand why he doesn't like the girl from Romania that likes him He's just Was he nervous? He's nervous because he's a virgin and it's this 18 year old hottie

And it's like, whoa, I don't want this to be my first time Things got too real too quickly We don't necessarily mesh I'd really hate it But he said he got along I'd hate for my first time to be with somebody who likes me, is really hot And we get along well Yeah, he's afraid to take the plunge because it's his first time

That's fair So you can see her and not have sex That's also fine Like set the parameters before she gets there Yeah, I want to see you I don't know if I'm ready for sex I like the nudes, but the nudes in person IRL might freak me out There's also the idea that you can't continue to have stuff exactly the way you like it

And not hurt her feelings Your ideal is you want to get free nudes from her whenever you want Talk to her as little as possible Never see her and have her feelings not be hurt Because you like her enough to at least not want to hurt her feelings That's right But you have to understand that the things you want would hurt her feelings If she heard like, alright, so what I want out of this is nudes from you, minimal communication

And you don't come to visit That's sad for her to hear It hurts her feelings less to hear these things now than it would hurt her to hear them after she's sold her bags After she's visited you, maybe after you've even slept with her I understand that there's a lot of pressure on the visit Because it's like, whoa, you're visiting me, I hope now I have to entertain you You should come unrelated to me and then that'll be fine because you're not relying on me And you're not here for God knows how long and the sex might be great

But then it might come with a lot of pressure, baggage You don't want to have a house guest Yeah, no house guest So I think what he can say is like, I'd like to see you I don't necessarily want you to visit just for me But if you're in Norway, yes, I'd love to hang out and whatever happens happens And she's like, I live in Romania Why would I ever go to Norway except to see you?

Have you watched our fjords? They're a beautiful jorges of fjords here You can have fun on the fjords and then you can have fun in my fjords That's right, I drive a Ford Taurus Because I am a Taurus How's that for a fiesta? Nice, a Ford fiesta So obviously you would go for it because you jump head first into exciting stories

I'm in love with her, yes What? I just showed you one picture and all this And I didn't even see it because of the glare, but you're 18 and she lives in Romania You're a downloading hater You're a downloading hater You're a hater I had to look up what hater was, do you know what hater is?

No It's a dating app where it matches you based on mutual hatreds or things Oh It's like I hate vegans Oh, I hate vegans too The theory being that people are more attracted to those that hate similar things rather than like similar things That's inherently negative, I'm not behind it Yeah, so you would match with someone who also hated that

Yeah, cool I'm back in Alright, so what would you do? This is if I were you after all What I would do is let her visit me and tell her to stay with me and then regret it the entire time That's probably what I would do I think what you should do is tell her that you're not ready for a relationship where you guys see each other But you like texting every once in a while because that's the truth Yeah, God, it would be a fun story

I want to see what happens Whatever happens, you got to let us know Give us that follow-up pump Yeah, we need to follow up But you know, he's a teenager from Norway It's a lot of pressure, it's an exciting situation Good time I kind of want to just say yes because it'll be like a great story

Not only for us but for himself later in life You'll definitely survive Unless you're some sort of Ethan Hunt-esque spy How cool is it that the cold open of Mission Impossible Where he's like, we're always something And then just the credits are rolling Did you like it? She did, she liked it a lot

Alright, cool Because I want to know the POV of somebody who's not necessarily a huge Tom Cruise slash action movie star Yeah, no, right exactly Jill does not usually like action movies but she dug it And she went to bed in the middle of Avengers Infinity War Which we also watched this weekend It was a whole Jake movie For I Got My Way

That's 33, baby That's the difference, I don't like superhero movies Because it's just like, I'm inventing a gun and I've invented a bigger gun And there's just so much special effects, I can't wrap my brain around it But I like the idea of Tom Cruise jumping from a building to another building That's more, it's just like understandable to me You're like, I could imagine an evil mastermind trying to set off atomic bombs Yeah

But I can't quite imagine an alien overlord trying to take over the universe Yeah, do you like both of them? You like Ethan Hunt and you like the alien overlord Yeah, like any buddy, I like people of outstanding stature and prowess Overcoming odds, like even, because Tom Cruise is the man He can do anything, but it's like that mission was nearly impossible Even Tom Cruise It was so close the way they narrowly avoided disaster

What I want to see is Tom Cruise in a superhero movie So I can know once and for all, do I just dislike superhero movies? Yeah, Tom Cruise Or do I love Super Tom Cruise? He never played a superhero, right? He's always just played like every man, or not every man, but like action I mean, Ethan Hunt is basically Batman Yeah

Tom Cruise as Batman makes a lot of sense to me I'd like to see that It's too late, he's 55 or 56 He's forever young Forever young Alright, thanks for listening We are all out of time If you have your own questions or theme song submissions

Send them all to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com Opening one was Jakey's mom This closing one is Sylvanna Again, I think we used her song last week or the week before Yeah Another theme song, it's an ocean eyes cover Not really sure what that is, but thank you Sylvanna And thanks to you guys for listening

We'll be back next week by the time you hear our next episode Jake will be a married man Oh boy Imagine that, dragons Ciao Adios I've been listening for a while This broadcast never fails to make me smile

Make me smile no fair No matter how hard I try I can't be funny as these two guys I'm scared When a chicken and a mirror will die When their plane falls from the sky From the sky If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you