If I Were You - 344: Favorite Flavors

Episode Date: August 20, 2018

In this episode we discuss perfect weather, tattoos, piercings, accessories, cereal, lasik, football, futbol, and our favorite flavors in a Twitter Lightning round for the ages... with a little bit of sleet, though!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Transi, it's EuroSynth Trans Pop, electronic folk synth. Oh, totally folk synth. And that is Henry Hoffman, how's that for a cool name, a 16-year-old Koi boy from Vancouver, Canada. Did he say that or did you put that on him? I would never, I would never call him a Koi boy. Did you call himself a Koi boy? He did, it is a self-title Koi boy.

He has a Koi boy's name. And he can plug, or so you said, if y'all can plug my SoundCloud, the link is SoundCloud.com slash Henry M Hoffman. That is actually pretty Koi. What about Henry Hurwitz for a name? I've been thinking about an alliteration for my kid's name for some time now. Yeah, nice Hank. Hank Hurwitz is what I want. Hammer and Hank Hurwitz.

Yeah, and my boy Hank, I'm sure would love it. Yeah. And he's a great dude, so like if my boy, if my young boy lived up to be half a Hank. Yeah, that's really cool, a half Hank. I think all the great hanks there are. Hank Aaron. Yeah. Others?

Yeah, Hank Ford. Nice. Hank Ford. Put her there. I didn't know that. And I'll put you there. I didn't realize it was an anti-Semite. Yeah, but that dude made a mean fucking car.

Oh, that's Henry Ford. He didn't go by Hank? Yeah, but I'm calling him Hank Ford. Hey, I'm Hank Ford. I thought Hank Ford was like the, some embattled mayor of a small city somewhere. No, it's... Yeah, it's Henry Ford. I invented the conveyor belt that I don't like Jews.

Had Henry Ford invented the conveyor belt? He had something to do with it. I don't even think he was an anti-Semite at this point. I think you're spouting libel. Why was Henry Ford famous then? He invented the assembly line. Oh. But not necessarily the conveyor belt.

Yeah, but what is an assembly line but a conveyor belt that doesn't move? Beautiful. And I see you got that tattooed on your nuts. That's right. And I bet it kills Henry to see it on a Jew's body. That's what kills him the most. Because you'll never be married in a Hebrew cemetery. Exactly.

I'll never be married in a Hebrew cemetery. You'll never be married in his. You mean buried? Yep. Fordy and Slip with your wedding coming up, huh? That's probably... Where are you getting buried this weekend? That's a cool way to be cynical about a wedding.

Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, I'm getting buried this weekend. Let's save that for my vows. I like that. Are you getting married? Will you bury me in the sand? This is if I were you. It's an advice podcast.

The only advice podcast on the internet? Sponsored. No? Brought to you by me. We should sponsor it. Oh, that'd be cool. So we get our own ads. I guess this whole show is an ad for us.

So we don't need to also sponsor it. Although, I could probably come up with something that should sponsor it. We should all be doing it. We should sponsor a MeUndies podcast. Oh, I see. So switch it around. So MeUndies makes a podcast on which they're selling underwear. You no longer even like this idea.

You just thought it was interesting to say. It was flipping the script. I guess. And you could. It needs more than that. It doesn't have to need more than that. It sounds interesting on the tip of your tongue. Sounds interesting.

Yeah. It gets people to subscribe. I no longer want to hear anything you have to say. You don't have to want to hear it. You're already listening to it because this is the show. And now I have a lot of money. I have phlegm in my eyes. We're going to do a Twitter lightning round this episode.

We're going straight to the tweets to do some quick hits. Trying to answer as many questions as possible in the Twitter sphere. If you want to join us, follow Jake Namir on Twitter. Jake Hurwitz on Twitter. And that way you'll be alerted next time we have one of these things. Follow me on Twitter. Follow me on Instagram. An instant gram.

That's what I care about. That's not good enough. That's my shit. Not freaking Twitter. How many followers do you have? On Twitter. On gram. 58,000.

That's not bad. Yeah. Fuck you. Fuck you. How many do you have? A million and two. And how many are Persian bots that you just... 970,000.

Yes, that's right. You're the man, Bloomin' Belt. I woke up one morning in 2000. Farsi-speaking bots had followed me on that day. I assumed somebody named Namir accidentally purchased fake followers and didn't put his username in correctly. So you're looking at the proud owner of 2,000 extra fans. $2 a pop.

You idiots. Alright, let's answer some tweets. Let's see here. Okay, Lil Watermelon Burps writes, What's your favorite? Precipitation plus temperature combo. Interesting. So precipitation, can my favorite be no precipitation?

It can, but what are we talking about in terms of cloud coverage? Oh, you want partially cloudy. Okay. For sure. Mostly sunny. Yeah. So what are you going for? 34 and icy rain.

Give me that sleet though. If it's 34, it would probably be just a cold rain. Not really any ice to it. Cause it's only 34. Give me 75 and fricking sunny. With a little bit of sleet though. I woke up in sleet mode. I wanted me, I wanted 98 degrees, sun shining,

but there's fricking sleet though. And I'm listening to 98 degrees. Oh, sleet, sleet motherfucker. Oh, sleet, sleet. God damn. I think the goat temperature is 73 degrees. Do you like it a little crisper? Do you like it a little warm?

I like it a little warm, I think, where you don't even have to think twice about leaving. I like, I guess I like the weather based on what I like to wear. Okay. I like weather that's like a pair of light khakis, sneakers, no show socks, and a t-shirt where you didn't even think twice about like, oh, should I bring a flannel?

Should I bring a long sleeve shirt? Will it get chilly later? No, it won't. Cause it's 74 degrees and it's going to bring it to stay that way. Oh, and guess what? I have a ring. And guess what else? A little bit of sleet though.

Uh, I'll go, what did you say? 75? 74, partially sunny. Partially cloudy, mostly sunny. San Diego golf type weather. But it's like, not San Diego, like in the, in the dead of summer or anything. Yeah, it's like a fall or a spring day. It's like one of the few perfect days in New York.

I like that, yeah. That's, that's what it is. The first perfect day in New York. But then why do you sometimes say, I actually like it when it rains. I actually like it when it snows. I like it, I like things that are changed up too. Like if it was 74 sunny every day, I'd be like, oh, I'm bored.

You wouldn't like that. It's kind of in LA when it rains. Cause it's like, oh, this is an exciting, this is a different feeling. I miss feeling cozy. Give me a crisp 69. And then when you ask me how hot it is outside, I say, it's pretty freaking hot. The weather's 69. Let me show you how hot it is by sitting on your face.

Oh, and guess what? It's sleeting though. It's a little bit of sleet though. It's a beautiful day. There is a little bit of sleet though. You got a question? Well, yes, I do. Excuse me.

Excuse me. What outfit slash accessory should every man have in their wardrobe in your opinion? Wow. Every man needs a little blue skirt. I'll say shorts. A lot of people don't have shorts. Don't believe in shorts. I know a lot of guys that don't even wear shorts, but shorts are integral.

Not only health-wise, but when it's really hot outside, but you can look good in shorts. That's cool. People are... You put on the short suit the other week. Well, obviously that's the next iteration of that. There's now formal wear in shorts. I thought that was a strong move and I appreciated it. I thought you looked damn good.

Thank you. You're wearing shorts right now. Yeah, I wore shorts to a meeting today because it was just too dang hot. You ever cuffed the bottom? No, because my legs are too thin for me to really want to flaunt them. If I had a quad god like my Dungeons & Dragons character, I would go short shorts. Because you want people to see the games. Yeah. So what unit of apparel do you think that every guy should have?

One of my big go-tos has always been the short sleeve collared shirt. That's a good go-to. Everybody's got that now. Not necessarily. Short sleeve button-up? Yeah, short sleeve button-up is really nice because it's formal but casual. Yeah. It makes you say, hey, I give a fuck but I don't give a shit.

You're going undershirt with that? Actually, I think I should say I give... It doesn't matter. I give a shit but not a fuck. No fucks to give but you give a shit. You know what I mean? No, I don't get any of that. Well, that's an amendment.

You didn't have to amend it. It's worth to live by shit. No, it's not. I give all the shit... See, you don't even remember the fucks. It's so interchangeable. You do live by it. You do live by it.

I do live by that. Uh, undershirt? No undershirt, ever. No, never. Would you ever wear a tank top under a shirt? Did you ever go through that phase? I definitely did. I went through the phase of like wearing a tank top and then a t-shirt.

Wow. And then sometimes even like, I was a big layering kid. Yeah, you had a nice layering piece. I had many layering pieces. So you'd wake up. So you'd wake up, you'd put on the tank. I'd put on, uh, yeah, they were horrifically called beaters back then. Oh, I would never.

Uh, so I'd put on the tank, the skin tight, hands ribbed. Wow, the waffle. The long-sleeve waffle. The beater. No, but also long-sleeve waffle. Oh, well, I'd put over... The thermal. I wouldn't put the th-

Yes, I would put the th- I would do a white t-shirt over the beater and then a long-sleeve shirt over that. And then sometimes I would layer again. That's a nice layering piece. Or a sweater or a t-shirt. That's a really nice layering piece. You know, it's been a minute since I did like short-sleeve shirt over long-sleeve shirt. Yeah, that's a thing.

But I feel like that's coming back. Yeah, because 90s are so coming back and that's so 90s, you know? Yeah, I used to do that too, now that I'm remembering. What about two shirts? Didn't people used to do that? I used to do two shirts all the time. Just two shirts. Two shirts.

Was it a style thing or were you just wearing two shirts? I mean, there's definitely nothing like convenient about it. Yeah, you're just wearing two shirts. It's a style thing. The layer, it like looks good. And would you wear the short, smaller shirt underneath the short- the longer shirt on top? I did it based on the collar, I think.

Because there were some shirts that I had were like, oh, this collar is too tight or like I don't like this shirt, but I can use it as a layering piece. That's a really nice layering piece. I think wearing like a color undershirt over like a long sleeve button- up was very 90s as well. Yeah, for sure. I think I'm going to dip my toe back into the long white tee with the short over it.

I think that's going to come full back around. Emily on the D&D podcast the other day was talking about umbros. What are those? Those like 90s soccer shorts, they're kind of like sheen. They're almost like mesh shorts, but they're made out of like, I don't know. Oh, wow. I don't fully remember these. I don't remember those.

Maybe it was in northeast, and it was definitely an east coast thing. Anyway, I'm going to buy myself a pair of umbros too. Last style thing. I think accessory-wise, two accessories that I often wear that I like a lot are one, my key ring, the little leather carabiner that I have. Oh, yes. Yeah. I think that's nice, you don't lose your keys,

but then they also don't like sit in your back pocket like making a little duty diaper. Yeah. And watch. I don't wear a watch often, but sometimes when I shower and I'm going out and I put on a watch, it makes me feel like a freaking hero. I've never worn a watch. I never got into watches. I don't like having things on me.

You get used to it. I mean, I think- Would you wear a metal shiny watch? Uh, yeah, I have. Metal shiny band? Um, yes, I have had one. Wow. I think you're like, you're supposed to notice it, or at least allowed to notice it.

It's not like you forget about it to the point where it's just an extension of your arm. Yeah. I kind of like the way it feels. Do you use it? Do you ever look at your wrist and be like, what time is it? Or do you still look at your phone? Uh, yeah, no, I look at the watch. That's awesome, dude.

It's nice, you don't look at your phone as much. Yeah, I guess that's one good part of it. The shruginator writes, cereal or milk first? Who would go milk first? Whoa, yeah. I guess that helps you estimate how much milk you're drinking. But I've never heard of filling a bowl up with milk and then adding cereal. It would just like float to the top.

It wouldn't penetrate the milk, right? Yeah, wait. Cereal or milk first in the bowl? How on earth does anybody do milk first? I bet some people do. That's obscene. This is like a question like that's like, do you wipe sitting down or like out in your front yard? Yeah, like there's a fucking right answer and you're insane if you do the other one.

All right, you got one? Yeah. Would you rather get a tattoo or a piercing? That was a good one. Who wrote that one? Um, I already scrolled past it. Oh, I see it. You, this guy eats on Twitter.

Would you rather get a tattoo or a piercing? I would never get either, but I would much rather get a tattoo. Yeah, you've mentioned that you'd rather get a tattoo than wear a wedding ring once. Yeah, I'd rather get a tattoo of a wedding ring than wear something. Although, can I get the piercing and then take it out? I guess so. It'll close back up. My question is, how many years would equal one tattoo?

Yeah, what if you had to, you could, you had to keep the tattoo, well, you'd have the tattoo forever, or you could take out the earring after one year, but it would be a, it would, you'd been like gauging it. So you'd have big floppy ears. I'd have the earring is what you're telling me. Yes, queen. I would get, I would absolutely get the tattoo over the earring. Earring, yeah. And guess what else?

What? It's sleeting though. It's a little bit of sleet though. Daisy Morris. Wait, I have another follow up question for you. I guess you didn't answer that question. Oh, well, I guess then, yeah, I would rather get another tattoo for sure. Piercings, I think, look bad.

What piercing would you get if you had to get a piercing? It'd re-pierced the eyebrow. I'm sorry to hear that. I'd go full, full, full back to Jake in 2004. Eyebrow rings back, toe ring is back. Enjoy getting buried this weekend. Yeah, I would do a tattoo. Like I sort of want a tattoo now.

Really? Well what? I don't know. I can't think of anything that I actually like. I sort of just wish that I had gotten a bunch of meaningless tattoos and I had a cool looking sleeve. Got it. And then I wouldn't have to explain my tattoos to anybody. Because I got it when I was younger.

And people would be afraid to talk to me because I'm on a fucking Harley. And no, fuck you, you can't ask me about my tattoos. You know what I mean? Didn't you try to get a motorcycle license once and fail? Yeah, I did. So how are you on this Harley? Well, I don't have to be riding it. You want to buy the hog, sit on it like a fucking bench.

I wouldn't sit on it. It's dangerous. I fell off. I have a frickin' sleeve. I don't want to get a scab or a scar on my elbow. I can't scuff my tat. You are anti-accessories. You don't want to wear a ring.

You don't want to wear a watch. Yet you wear glasses every day of your life. Yeah, I don't even think of that as an accessory. How do you reconcile that? I guess because I hack it down. Why don't you defend that right now? Why don't you make sense of that query, Blumenfeld? Yeah, I'm trying to.

And I get you flat-footed and tongue-tied. Then why can't you get through a frickin' sentence without second-guessing yourself? I'm not second-guessing myself. Let's move on. But I think I clearly proved my point. The answer is that I had it at age eight, and I'm used to it. All right, all right. No, it's not all right.

You yelled at me. You accused me wrongfully. Let's not bite each other's heads off over this. I haven't done anything. We both lost our cool. Jesus Christ. But you have been thinking about getting lasik. Yeah, but that's not a tattoo.

Oh, yeah. It's removable of your... You'll be accessory-less. My face. All right. I want to ask you about that, though. How far... I feel like when I asked you last time, you were at, like, 65%.

Yeah. No, I said I was at 30%. Yeah, but then I feel like after we talked about it, it was evident that you were closer to 60%. How about for my 36th birthday, I'll get lasik. Putting it out there. When did you turn 36 in January? I like that. It's good.

I think that's a good move. And I'm going to get lasik to give me exactly 3620 vision. So that's not that great. Not perfect, but neither am I, because I'm 30 frickin' six. And guess what? It's sleeting. Yeah, because it is 36. Fahrenheit outside.

What TV series did you mourn the end of, writes Daisy Morris? What show were you the saddest to see end? I was finally over. And I'm sad today. I feel like the last show I was really sad to see end was Friends? Really? What about Breaking Bad? I was so satisfied with that ending.

You were satisfied, not sad. I think by then I had more of a defined appreciation of TV where I was like, oh, Vince Gilligan wanted to do season five. He brought this character to a close here, and this is a beautiful- And now I'm satisfied. The story, yeah. What was the end of Friends? What happened?

Do you remember the end? Yeah. Also, satisfied is pretty good, because sad, you're satisfied. It's just hard to hammer home. It's hard to hammer home. I'm satisfied by the end of the relationship. Mattified is a good one, because then it's like you clearly know what the two words are. You don't often feel mad and satisfied, but sometimes you feel sad and satisfied.

Mattified is like when you had a cheat meal on the wrong day. Oh, yeah, you're a little mad on yourself. The end of Friends, Chandler and Monica couldn't get pregnant, so they had a surrogate mother, which is funny because that happens also. Phoebe is the surrogate mother. Yeah, they must have really loved that in the writer's room. Also, Courtney Cox was actually pregnant when she was playing Monica. I see.

Courtney Cox Arquette. I thought they broke up. I thought she's back to Cox now. I love that. They had kids and they were going to move to the suburbs, so they're leaving the apartment. Ross and Rachel is like the will they want that she's moving to London or something. She's going away for a job. I can't remember exactly what that part is.

Then they end up together or something? Yeah, and they end up together. Monica and Chandler, it turns out they actually have twins instead of just one kid. Yeah, of course. They love their twins on the show too. There's lots of twins. Oh, yeah, Phoebe's a twin, right? Yeah.

They test the stories of Phoebe and then they give it to other people. They've tested well with Phoebe, so we're going to give that to Chandler now. Then that's kind of it. They move out, they all say goodbye, but it's like, oh, we'll still see you guys. It's a little bit nice, but I think I just liked watching Friends so much every week that I didn't want it to be over. I'd probably be really sad when Game of Thrones ends. Is that close to being done? I think it's the final season, yeah.

The final season, even though the books go on for longer? Yeah, well, I don't know how many. I think there's only supposed to be one more or maybe two installments of the books. Oh, really? They're wrapping that story up too. It feels like this is too huge of a franchise to let die though. They'll do a prequel or a spin-off. Yeah, and there are other stories in George R.R. Martin's books.

The universe. Yeah, totally. What's the Rogue One of Game of Thrones? It's probably the Targaryen Battle of Westeros. Yes, I read your fan fiction. It was fine. A lot of Rule 34 in that. Which is what?

If it exists, there's a porn for it. Got it. So yours is just smut. It's dragons. I see. Big floppy dragon dicks. Imagine two dragons. Wide open dragon burses.

Fire everywhere. Yeah, this dragon's got two heads for sure. What about you, man? What's a TV show you didn't want to see end? Seinfeld. You, like, were aware when it was ending? Yeah. I was sad to see that end.

But breaking bad too, more recently. All right, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors and we'll be back with more questions and answers after this. Woo! Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

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You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you.

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And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

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Yeah. Tommy Boyd, Tommy Boyd 12 writes, did you decide on an SEC game to go to? Yeah. I think I'm not 100 percent, but I've decided on a game to go to. I want to go to an SEC, a Southern college football game with my brothers. And I want to go to see Auburn at Georgia is the game. Is that because you didn't want to go to Louisiana? That the best Louisiana State game fell on my niece's birthday.

So my brother couldn't go. And then this is the game that might be the best actual game because those two teams are supposedly really good this year. And it's a little later in the year and it might be a very meaningful game. And I guess games that Athens are insane and games against Auburn are insane. So we're going to get our fix of Southern football. When are you going to go? It would be on November 10th if we do go.

Are you interested in I'll go? You'll go. Are you interested in I'll be there? It would be more of a family thing. So you wouldn't be there. I mean, I guess you could be there, but we wouldn't. I wouldn't want to be there if I wasn't going to be hanging out with you guys the whole time. Yeah.

So if you're like, it's a free country, I could go. No, it's not like a free country. Obviously I could go to the game. I'm actively asking not to the game. We're saying I could go to the game. We're both saying the same thing. What I'm asking for is if I could stay. Right.

And I'm not going to give you that permission. The whole time with your family. Right. Yeah. I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to do that. Let's talk about it off, Mike. Because I feel like there's a lot of room here to meet in the middle.

Like what? Like you go to the game and do everything that you want to do. And I don't get any alone time with me and my brothers. That doesn't sound too bad. Just to me. Obviously it sounds bad to me. Didn't you hear the tone of my voice when I was saying it? It's an interesting point you bring up that I could come and get everything that I want.

Not really. I'll take you up on that. Not really an interesting. What are some of your favorite non-headgump podcasts, right? The Negus AO. Favorite non-headgump podcast. I mean, I listen to a lot of like the big staples. I listen to a lot of politics podcasts.

I think that's kind of, but that's not really like. No interesting specific ones. You should listen to another D&D podcast or something. Yeah, maybe I should. I do, I do really like even like just learning very random Monday and shit about D&D. Like when someone tells me they play, I'm always like, what's your, like just tell me your character. I want to know their AC. I want to know what weapon to fight with.

I want to know what class they are, you know? So maybe I should do that. But then it's also, I just sometimes feel like all day is like comedy and makeup makeup stuff. Yeah. Like sometimes it's nice to have 30 minutes where I'm just like bombarded by sad shit. Then you at least feel like you're dialed into the world. Yeah, I've got, it keeps me even. What about you?

Are you just our all basketball podcast? Yeah. Well, sports in general. I was going to suggest Against All Odds, which is a sports gambling podcast hosted by Cousin Sal, Jimmy Kimmel's cousin on the Ringer podcast network. Oh. We're listening kind of like every other episode just as almost like a goof and then I really got into it. We should also say that we have a new headgump podcast called Hey Riddle Riddle, which is a really good podcast. It's three very funny comedians answering, or at least talking through riddles that they're trying to answer.

Yeah. The guys from Magic Tavern. Yeah. One of the guys from the Magic Tavern is in it and his two friends and they're just trying to figure out the answers to riddles so like you can kind of play along while they're doing it. It's called Hey Riddle Riddle. They're just getting started so there's not a lot to catch up on. We'll remind you at the end of the episode in case you want some more funny headgump content down your throat. What else we got?

Brandon Rodriguez asks, what's the best flavor? I got a good one. Go ahead. Don't even say vanilla. Vanilla gets a bad rap, but it's good. I know you think it does. I got a good comp for vanilla. You know what it tastes like?

No. Sweet butter. If the word was sweet butter, everyone would love it. No, that's not true. I don't like sweet butter on its own. I like butter on stuff. I would love sweet butter and that's kind of what vanilla is and if vanilla rebranded itself because for whatever reason vanilla became, I think it became derogatory because everything was vanilla because it was the best flavor and then it's like, oh, that's just vanilla. It's like, yeah, that is vanilla and Michael Jordan is the best basketball player.

That's just how it goes. LeBron James is the best basketball player. Hoorah. What do you think is the best flavor? It's really tough because it's like whiskey, coffee, flavor, pussy, flavor, whiskey flavor. And what were the other two? Coffee. Uh-huh.

And then you said flavor. No. Flavor. You said something else. You acted all uppity. Like I said pussy or something. Well, I guess I was first confused because whiskey is not a flavor. Sure it is.

Coffee, I guess, could be a flavor but it's mostly a drink and then you said pussy. Coffee is a flavor. Yeah. Coffee is a flavor. Coffee flavor ice cream? Yeah, but it's also just the drink. It's like saying soda is a flavor. No, it's not.

Yeah, it is. It is. I don't think so. Yeah, it is. I don't think so. So your three flavors are two drinks in a vagina. Okay, I'll do mint. Fucking vanilla.

I am going to do pussy still. And I think chocolate. And then what's cool ranch? I guess ranch. Spice. Spice. I don't know. I really don't know.

Hot mustard or something. Umami. Mushroom melt. Corn based, something or other. Christ. Oh, here's a good one. About singing rights with Ben Schwartz playing Sonic the Hedgehog, which one of you will be tales?

You heard that Ben got tapped to be the voice of Sonic in a Sonic movie. So dope. Yeah, it makes a lot of sense if you look at him. He kind of looks and embodies Sonic already. Yeah, his hair is very Sonic-y. He also, like, if you see him perform, like, I know the exact voice he's going to use for Sonic. He has so many voices, but, like, young and excited.

Yeah, yeah. So good. A lot of red shoes, very fast. So which one of us should be tales? Well, tales doesn't speak. So you? The fuck are you talking about? Which one's knuckles?

Yeah, how is there tales and also knuckles? He has two sidekicks? I can't remember. I like tales. I used to always, when I was a kid, I would play as tales. You know, it was a real mind fuck the other day. I'm like, well, how is there Donald Duck and also Daffy? That's true.

I looked it up, and it made sense when I looked it up, but I couldn't quite wrap my head around it. Daffy's the black duck that is all about Bugs Bunny. Yeah. And Donald Duck is just a chill dude who's more of, like, a Mickey guy. Yeah, so, yeah, kind of, yes. Donald is Disney and Daffy is Looney Tunes. It's a completely different universe as they'll never interact. They'll never meet.

But I wonder which one stole the other, because one was obviously stolen from the other. Yeah. I don't know which one came first, the Looney Tunes or Disney. It seems like Disney, because, like, there's the ancient racist cartoons of Mickey Mouse. You know those cliff drawings, those cave drawings of Mickey being really erratially offensive? Marissa, our producer. Marissa Mars. Marissa Mars.

Mars Mel writes, real talk, why does our office have a bidet? Oh, yeah. She asked about why we only have single-ply toilet paper. Oh, that is a question I have. And there's no real answer, right? We just, whoever orders it always gets a single-ply. Yeah, because it's, because I don't know, maybe Marty just doesn't ever have to shit in the office. And then...

But I think that's absolutely egregious. It's the one, it's one thing that I think is awful about the company. And then the follow-up is why is there a bidet? Because we are not evil. Because, like, it's weird. Because a lot of people are offended by the bidet, because, like, you shouldn't have a bidet in the office. Why? I think their thinking is that it's very intimate, and that it's, like, weird to, like, share this device with coworkers.

Are you sure that it's not, it doesn't have to do, because I see this sometimes. I personally don't do it, but sometimes the toilet seat is wet from blowback of the bidet. This specific bidet, I'm wondering if it's installed a little incorrectly. It is installed a little incorrectly, because... It goes, it shoots straight up instead of at an angle towards your anus. Yeah, but it's not Miguel's fault. He had to install it like that because of where the toilet is. Right.

He had to move it over a little bit. It's a little funky, and then it causes splashback on the seat, which I try to clean. Do you think everybody in this office uses the bidet? I don't. I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so either. But we could have a very illegal poll. It's weird because bidets are both very clean and very dirty at the same time.

Yeah. Or at the very least, they're very clean and they have... Well, they're very clean by being dirty themselves. They're sort of like a Jesus in that regard. Yeah, they're the Robin Hood. The Robin Hood of anal cleansing. They steal from the rich and give to the poop. You know what else they do?

What? They have a little bit of sleep. What's that? It doesn't have to make sense. We just heard the toilets flush. The toilet chiming in that it does have to make sense. Here's a random relationship question in the bunch. Jacob Ulicky...

I can't pronounce this last name, but Ulicky writes, How long is too long between matching on Tinder and sending a message? In Amir's case, I don't know. How long between meeting someone and sharing your acorns to our friends? I mean, I think you should message within the first 24 hours. Yeah, there's no need not. I don't think that... I don't think that you should message right away.

You think that's too antsy and desperate? Yeah, I think that's a little too soon. But you don't really want to let somebody sit there for three days. Man, can you imagine Tinder now? It's been around for so long. What does it look like now? What kind of people are on it? I feel like the reason I think Tinder...

I mean, Tinder's been around so long that I used it. It's crazy to think that I was swiping on Tinder. Yeah, there's Tinder babies by now. Tinder toddlers even. How long before someone's sharing your acorns? I don't know. I don't know why he's asking me that. I'm not actually a chipmunk.

Well, you are. I'm not, but I'm not. You are a chipmunk. No, I'm not. It says sharing your acorns. I don't have acorns. So right off the bat. What did you have for breakfast this morning?

I had cereal and acorn and orange juice. You said... The second thing you said was that you ate an acorn for breakfast. No, I was saying that... And when you woke up before you made your breakfast... I had what? ...did you make your breakfast in a kitchen? Or do you have a cute little hole and it's not a tall tree?

I have a kitchen in a hole in a tree. Right. Do you know why people think you're a chipmunk? I get that I kind of resemble a chipmunk. Well, then you also eat acorns that live in a tree. Yes, but what are you living? Do you live in a house or in a tree? I live in a house.

Okay, that's your right. You could also be a chipmunk that lives in a house. Honestly, I just think... I happen to be a human that lives in a tree. I think it's really cool that you have a podcast and you're a chipmunk. That's nuts to me. This is so fucking lame. I can't believe I'm being put on blast on my own show.

David writes, David Parker writes, What's your favorite back-to-the-future film? And then he's CC'd Mark of Blink 182. Why? I don't know. Maybe he's talked about it. Does Mark of Blink 182 have a podcast? I like an advice show because it says Ask Mark 182.

Really? Yeah. God damn, do you think he would ever be on head gum? He'd have to be, right? He's a huge fan of Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm such a big fan of fucking Hoppus. Favorite back-to-the-future. Do you know them enough to weigh in?

Yeah. I mean, the first one I think is really the goat. Yeah. The first one is pretty good. It doesn't have to sleep now. Which one's yours? The third. The Wild Western?

No, nobody likes the third one the most. I'm a huge fan of the second one though. They go into the actual future. None of this fucking 1955 bullshit. Oh yeah. Show me a futuristic hologram casino, man. That is the one with the hoverboard. Yeah.

I guess that one actually is the best. Yeah. The hoverboard is the goat one because it includes parts from one and builds on it. What else you got? We're getting towards the end here. Yes. Let me just pull up. Oh, here's a good one.

Okay. Michael Dallow writes, after that electric World Cup, will you be watching Premier League this season? And if so, what team do you support? You love the World Cup. I did. You love soccer during the World Cup. Yeah.

And soccer fans kind of look down on the World Cup because it's not necessarily the best competition. Right. These are teams that aren't necessarily that good. Why not follow a league with great teams? So the Premier League, which one is that? So that's the English Premier League. It's like your Liverpool, your Chelsea, your Manchester United, your Manchester City.

It's the British clubs. I guess I will definitely, is that the one where Ronaldo plays though? He's done like Real Madrid. Yeah. That's La Liga, which is like the Italian soccer league. It's like Real Madrid and FC Barcelona. I like that too, but I guess that's harder to follow because it's not in English. Yeah.

Keep in mind, I don't know a lot about soccer, so I could be wrong when I say that stuff. I see. The other European teams are not the same as the English Premier League. I do. I definitely like the idea of following soccer year round. Right. The problem is hard because the matches are on at 3 a.m. But you DVR them and watch them at any time and they're not going to get spoiled for you

because nobody's spoiling Manchester City versus Everton. Yeah. That's true. In America. I guess the danger would be if I actually start to really, really care and then I like look at scores or something, but I would only spoil it for myself. One, I think it's a fun sport to care about because then it's like you don't like baseball or American football, which is like, say you like British soccer, which you call football,

which is kind of cool. And then you're like up at 2 a.m. and go into a bar with other like soccer hooligans. That's fun. What you need is a team to root for. How do you choose a favorite team? Usually go by the athlete. I liked Kane. He was on Harry Kane.

Yeah, Harry Kane. Oh, on the English team? Yeah. So he's on Tottenham Hotspur. Never mind. I'm not interested. You're going to be a Spurs fan. How about that?

Is it that's in the Premier League? Yes. That's right. It's in the Premier League. Where's Mbappe play? Oh, let's see. Mbappe. Oh, Paris, Saint-Germain.

Is that the French team? No. I believe that's a French league. This is the weird thing to me. In basketball, all of the best players play in the same league. That's right. It's called Ligue 1 is the French one. But in soccer, the best players just only play each other in these big tournaments.

Yeah, but then there's like a European cup, or I forget what the name of it, where like the best four teams in La Liga is the best four teams in the English Premier League, and they're all playing each other. So like Liverpool will play Bayern. So it's sort of like the NFC and the AFC. Yeah, they finally get together. They battle each other. Okay.

So you can possibly get into it. Why don't you tweet at Jake your suggestions for teams to get into? Yeah. Give them a team to root for. Slide into my Instagram DMs. I don't look at Twitter, man. I like that. I really like that.

Follow up first. You know what I mean? So what do you want from them? I want people to follow me on Instagram and DM you what soccer team to like. Got it. Why is that hard? It's not hard. It's just asking a lot.

Oh, anyone know what else? What? It's a little bit of sleep though. You want them to do that? I want them to be a little bit of sleep though. So that's not on the day in the way. All right. I'm trying to get to a few of the last ones that we haven't answered yet.

I'm from two years in the future writes Louis Del Godelot. Headgum has quadrupled in size. What happened? Got to be D&D. You think so? Got to be the D&D show. I guess you can just keep on starting D&D podcasts. That'd be great.

I'd love to roll a new character. Would you DM? Would you be able? What if you start a new podcast here at the DM and I'm in the game? That would be amazing, but I don't think I know enough about DMing. But I guess you don't know anything about playing. That's right. You could be fooling me, tricking me the whole time.

I feel like we could find, I don't know. I don't think I should be the DM, but I would play a campaign with you. Good man. I'm also inching closer to starting a basketball podcast. I feel like it's inevitable. I just have to start it. I feel bad. That's how headgum is going to quadruple.

Just you and I starting more podcasts. Yeah, but probably not. It'll probably come from the outside. You know what it'll be? It'll be growing our shows. We're talking about Hey Riddle Riddle, the size of a fucking WTF podcast. That's what's up. And guess what the weather is?

Sleet. A sleet though. A little bit of sleet though. Welcome back to a little bit of sleet though. The only podcast that answers every question with a little bit of sleet though. All right. Last question. Okay.

What is the most surprising source of inspiration you find yourself reaching for? You're down. You need to pick me up. What are you doing? You're listening to music. You're working out. You're going for a drive. You're watching a video.

What pumps you up? There are two things. We're out of time. Okay. Awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, everybody. All right.

Two things. One. All right. Well, two, these things are both. Yeah. Anyway. So, all right. One, this isn't necessarily pumping me up, but like I said, I listen to politics podcasts

sometimes. Oh, hell yeah. Sometimes I like, I find myself getting a little depressed on my way to work at the state of the world. Sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm like looking at Twitter, seeing sad shit, listening to NPR, just hearing news stories that make me bummed. Hell yeah. And you fucking get off to that shit.

I love to watch the world burn. So, this last week, I started listening to Newfound Glory albums again. Huh? I dig your name here. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. I've seen less of you. Oh, shit.

Yeah. If you think it's bad when I sing it. The needle on my record player has been wearing thin. Okay. So, that's one. Pop punk. Yeah. Pop punk music every once in a while.

Like sometimes just, I guess like listening to any music that you're nostalgic for puts you in a good mood. Yeah. Oh, wow. This song's funny. Yeah. And like, even if it holds up, if it doesn't, it puts you in a good mood. That's good.

The other thing is, every once in a while, I just tell myself, I'm the man. So, what do you do? Do you have to stare at yourself? Positive affirmations. Yeah, positive affirmations, I guess, but mine is always like, I'm the man. Like, I'm gonna get it done. I'm the man. And it works.

Do you say it out loud? Yeah. I do. What do you say? You got this. You got this. You got this. But you're gonna get it done.

You're the man. Sometimes when I'm really hungover. You're the man or I'm the man? It depends. When I'm really hungover, I like to just like drive to Starbucks and say, I'm the man. And outside, out loud. In the car. To yourself.

Yeah. And you're as weak. But I do. I think saying I'm the man is, people should tell each other they're the man more often. It's positive affirmations. It's proven to work, I think. Yeah. It's positive affirmations for me.

Are you staring at yourself? No. Usually when I say it, I am disgusted by myself in some regard. Oh. So I don't necessarily want to look at what I look like when I'm super stressed out. I don't think I'd believe myself if I saw what I was that day. But they're like, this week has been insane with me just doing like a ton of errands before I leave for the wedding.

Yeah, tomorrow. And sometimes just being like, you're the man, you're gonna get it done. That's cool. It helps. That's good. What about you? I'm like, I'm rapping along to rap songs that I know. So it's kind of like the music one.

But like when you're rapping along to a rap song that you know, it kind of puts you in the mode of I'm a rap star when I'm the furthest thing from a rap star. Right, but you get to feel like that. Yeah, because I'm fucking nailing it every line. But I'm a, but I'm a, but I'm a, but I'm a, but I'm a, but I'm a, but, but I'm... Sort of like sometimes when you're at a bar or at a club and you're like, no, the words to all the songs you're like, sort of hype people up, like they're gonna hand up in the air and not long, it feels for a second like you're the one singing this song.

You're tricking your brain into thinking that you're holding a microphone and I wrote this because I'm a little bit drunk And I'm singing the song and everyone's dancing to me. I love I love that. I love that too All right, thanks for writing in everybody If you have your own questions your own theme song submissions send them all to if I were you show at gmail.com Remember Henry Hoffman wrote The Opener Henry Henry Henry. Nice This closing one is written by yep. I do that's enough What that's absolutely enough that you can't address anymore. Was it called Henry celebration? and this closing one is

Written by our old boy Justin Gong Calves. Oh, how about that? So Thanks for listening this week. Jake is officially married. I believe because this is coming out on Monday, August 20th Wow, you're a married Flan or I call it a buried man a buried man instead of a married flan And I hope when it when your wedding day arrives, you don't have to suffer a little bit of sleep Chopper now I feel like if I were you there's at least five stars People fucking up so I want to hear from the follow-up

Problems died the job gambling a lot cheating girlfriend just got caught These two I was trying to help a few pay the way episode every Monday Your boyfriend things come looks gray So people trying to stay away. Oh shit. Just stepped on a snail trail I think about that be real ill, but Jake in the mirror always here. They they for real That was a hit gun podcast