If I Were You - 346: Dungeons and Dragons and Sex

Episode Date: September 5, 2018

In this episode we discuss fantasy, role playing, and what its like to cheat on a loved one with a mouse.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I have often dreamed of a headgum place where two koi Jews will be waiting for me where the crowds will roar when they read if live and a voice keeps saying I will seize the cheese I am on my way I will send my emails I don't care how long I will send them all I know every line will be worth my time I will send most anything to have these Jews respond shout out to Drew whoa shout out to Drew indeed he snuck that in there and I have to keep it in because that song was awesome that was hunter gobble gobble on Twitter making on that go the distance Hercules parody for us talked

about that song before on the show oh really we must have because why would you think to do a Hercules parody yeah I don't know where what the hell we talked about it but I love that song it's funny Disney had this heyday of like 101 Dalmatians little mermaid Aladdin Lion King and then they did like a bunch of stuff that I don't really remember like Mulan and Hercules I remember Hercules real well really I don't know if I do I wonder if it's just our age at the time like you just remember the ones that happened when you were 10 yeah and I had little siblings so I remember some after that that's why I remember what's

after Hercules well I I know that like I remember Hercules and Quasimodo oh hunchback yeah which I don't think like that's probably after your time yeah but I remember watching hunchback Hercules I vaguely remember was David Spade in Hercules or am I making that up I think he was in the Emperor's New Cruise was that a Disney original song that was not a Disney movie I don't think well we don't know enough to talk about anything welcome to if I were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by two morons I'm Amir I'm Jake and I'm smart he does it insults fucker I was just being a little self-deprecating

shows the it shows the crowd that we're willing to rib ourselves so that we can rib other people yeah and I can't be self-deprecating but not to my detriment well you can dish it out you can take it in and it's fine because you don't you're confident yourself because you have good over time and put my foot through your ass fucker by the way you said you can be self-deprecating but not to your detriment yes so you could put yourself down as long as it doesn't work say something see a weakness about you what's your biggest flaw my abs are too big no that's not a flaw should be a size 31 no 32 cuz I'm a abs no say it

say an actual what's a that's something that's not good about you I had bad eyesight but I have laser so it's better than perfect okay what's another thing that's but I had bad eyesight for a while but I had bad eyesight for a little while right now what do you consider your biggest flaw my foot is sweaty my right foot's a little sweaty and it feels like maybe my sock is riding down a touch yeah that's what you like it's very quick what about the fact that you have thin skin no yeah you that's right what about the fact that back off you're overly back I am not overly sensitive I am not overly sensitive and if you oh my

god get off loser I know you're back from your many many travels we're recording this the day after Labor Day Tuesday September 4th yes upload this right away this is as close as we can get to live a live podcast basically live to prove it let's just talk about things that went on today Senate hearing for Brett Kavanaugh classic so you know we're not lying yeah oh one Martin del Potro playing John Isner in the round of 16 that's right we couldn't make that up I'll check the score okay just just to date ourselves down to a specific like because partly so you guys know how up to date this is but then also because

you're curious I'm a little I'm a tad curious to be frank and this is about this is research for your tennis podcast how what Del Potro just took the third set now he's up a break let's just give live fucking comment it's over for Isner does it do it Isner more like isn't that's good yeah well it's fine actually thank you so why don't we get to some questions and answers we've last week was yours and Jill's wedding story which took the internet by storm that's right and it took us by storm if you haven't very good if you haven't listened to it yet please for the love of God listen to what happened during Jake's

wedding weekend it's entertainment through the roof I got so many texts and phone calls about it they loved hearing the story from people who are there to people who are not we should have another wedding what I'll have another wedding for another story better weather sounds like you just want another wedding anyway yeah alright this is a question we got about D&D you still do in the D&D yeah just because you're traveling doesn't mean you're stopping actually I got a show next week in Seattle the live pop band of boobs first ever live show I think it sold out but there might be standing room tickets left

if you feel like standing for two hours I play D&D I love that so let's call this guy what's a D&D name that's not me sure that's not you let's go with Apple Scrumper this week's special guest played by Siobhan Thompson who Apple Scrumper writes I've written to you many a time but I assure you this is the time I need you the most I've been playing Dungeons and Dragons for about a year now and my girlfriend plays with me she and I get are going great and I can't really think of any problems that we have except I really want to have sex with her while she speaks as her D&D character I don't know what it is but I

find her really hot when she talks to her character she plays a goblin feel free to redact that to protect my anonymity too late brother wizard and speaks with a thick Brooklyn accent which just turns me on for some reason should I bring this up with her should I have sex with her as a D&D character I'm too embarrassed I don't know what to do thanks in kind regards Apple dude first of all roll for horniness what that's something we do on the podcast when we're on bother all the diet the D20 and see how horny you are sounds like you just rolled a 20 and if you roll a six and a nine things are looking up very good you

should be on the podcast really I mean I don't think this is a problem at all this is so hot you think should be into it yes of course you're like her creativity turns you turns you on that is that you can't deal you consummated your marriage is hard one that's very upper but she'll still think she's married to hard one sure foot I gotta use for her what I am a thin little ain't an ankle boy I'm sorry to tell you yeah would you got broken up to broken feet yeah tiny little calves would you ever do the role-play thing to such an extent I role play doesn't turn me on at all it like takes me out of sex because it's like an improv game yeah I

start to be like hyper aware of like somebody acting and doing it makes me uncomfortable for them oh that's yeah like this is what if it's slightly unfunny and now I'm performing yeah what if they like even like stutter don't exactly like the terminology yeah say being a camp counselor like I don't know let's just not it's just not that hot to me like it sex is really hot yeah just be yourself yeah just like wanting each other is good enough for me you don't also have to what would it sound like if hard one was having sex with say I don't know an elf or some shit hard one would be like yeah yeah has he had sex on D&D

no hard one is actually a closet virgin oh really yeah I already has a tiny little shrimp dick I heard a hard one actually has a little I'll never be on the bucket he's got a triple a battery hard one has a hog he has a hog I'll show you my hero forage miniature take stepping on my neck clearly packing your hero forage does everybody have that the little miniature no it's I think it's like extra nerdy I'll tell you something that I did that was so insanely nerdy the even nerdy nerdy or than ordering my hero mini forage is this something that's so embarrassing you're afraid to even bring it up on the

D&D podcast no I probably would bring it up on the D&D podcast but this just happened to be today so I'm gonna tell you so I when I created my character I went to this thing called hero forage we sort of like make your avatar and then they they like mail you a miniature of it kind of look it's like a little bit bigger than a monopoly piece and it's like it's they have it's like creating your own video game character so you have like all of the traits and attributes you really make somebody that looks like who this person is in your head yeah they 3d printed mine and I have like this white plastic hard one sure foot as a

wedding present to myself a wedding was is that normal no yeah yeah but like you know weddings are expensive and I got through it we picked we didn't default they're going to credit card debt or anything so as a as a little treat to you to old Jake yeah from Jake to Jake from Jake nobody else is gonna think to get me this I ordered a new hero forage miniature casted bronze which is a bit more expensive so what was the first one it was 3d printed on just like white it's a white plastic and then you're like I'm gonna details aren't a sharp I'm gonna treat myself to a bronze one yeah cuz it's been like you know a couple

dozen episodes of the D&D campaign I haven't died but I'm close had to do some death saving throws but I've survived and I feel like it's time to make me bronze and how did the brad of the bronze ones happen like how do they print that I have no idea I think they I mean I think they make a mold wow is it expensive it's less than it's it's like 40 bucks oh wow so it seems like it would be too much work to do it by hand for just 40 bucks yeah it's like it would take a while I mean yeah I don't I don't know how it works but is there one above bronze is it like silver and gold one a gold one yeah that's that's if you make

it to your gold anniversary brother I don't know why 25 years with hard one gives you a gold one how is the gold standard how much is the gold one I am not sure now actually I'm on your registry yeah there's bowls a couple dish napkins and then there's the gold one yeah yeah and that's a group gift and I see you remove the honey fund I guess you're not having a honeymoon yeah we're I got the gold and I want it a little bit bigger than normal so they have to make a brand new mold for me no there's six inch tall bullshit I want to hold what they made me I want a real life real sized hard one how tall is hard one I

assume you know six foot six six foot six Kobe's height the goat height and he looks like Steven Adams except shorter than Steven Adams you should ask for a Steven Adams bronze you should just ask for a Steven Adams bronze Steven Adam should ask for a hard one your foot bronze oh come on man he's not gonna do that he's a professional athlete what is hard one professionally athletic you jump 25 feet because Steven Adams do that he can jump 25 feet yeah in distance obviously so he can jump 25 feet far yeah but not 25 feet high of course not so he 25 feet still not like a world record so even in this world of fantasy he's

not jumping as far as like say Michael Powell in the 92 Olympics he might be able to jump 35 feet I have to look at my character street but I think it's 25 feet so but you could have done anything right you could have jumped 50 feet hmm he can't no you have and D&D you have like your movement like your speed and your jumping distance but like my character as he's grown he's taken the path of remarkable athlete so he's like speed and jumping increases getting better love yeah you're getting strong recently leveled up and now I can jump 10 feet further than I could before and this is perfect fodder for sexy talk in

a bedroom you're having sex your hard one he's saying give me a break I'm about to jump 35 feet yeah he lands in the living room I think this guy should tell his girlfriend that he wants to do it she will be she'll be happy to apply I think you think so I guess it matters if they like already do kind of like role play stuff if they ever do but I don't think there's any harm in asking would you do it for your loved one yeah I would it's hard to get past the idea of like I'd be so out of character for my loved one to say something like that but yeah that's more of a fantasy than hard one becoming a reality yeah Joe was like

make love to me as hard one sure foot I would be like yes which is the noises anus makes when he farts all right yeah so how should I bring this up to her as this specific question you think if she's into DND she's gonna be into this role-playing thing she's already into RPGs sex is just the next iteration of that yeah do they they probably play with other people so it wouldn't be like it'd be kind of cool to like just crawl across your dice and miniatures and be like and the maps and just be like have me right here that's cool what do you do with your miniature well some people play with kind of like maps and they like

move their miniature around to know where they are which what they're like facing and who's near them who to fight and the band of boobs do they also all have miniatures no I just have my miniature sitting beside me as I play for good luck and to remember that I'm the fucking man got it and the other ones they don't have the miniatures they don't have the miniatures they don't have they are don't think they're not nerds because Emily has a stuff possible she sleeps with because her character has a possum called well rolls a d20 every single day before he leaves work to see what kind of day he's gonna have that

just seems more superstitious you're the only one sitting with a little hard one miniature have you ever posted your miniature online I'd like to see what the miniature looks like I'll post the photo of it on my Instagram story after we release this episode because you better believe I took one this afternoon it arrived and were you excited to open it I was thrilled did you tell like I've been gone for ten days I had stacks of mail the only thing I opened when I went home was this hard one sure foot miniature it's broadcast it's so small I'm holding it it's three fingers tall if not a day swallow it

what are you talking about I want you to swallow the fucking miniature eat the miniature I paid $40 give me your fucking miniature I should release the plans online in case anybody else wants to make a hard one sure foot miniature oh yeah can people play as hard one or is that considered uncouth I think I mean I wouldn't have a problem with it if they did yeah feels like part of the fun of D&D that was creating your very own character but it's like it's almost like if they're such a fan of your podcast it's like I'll let's just take those characters and create our own adventure with it it's like fan fiction

yeah and I think I've heard of people that play the they listen to the podcast that like have taken certain like scenarios and put it in parts of the story that they put into their own game with their own characters I didn't know that hard one could die oh yeah that's a possibility oh yeah every week every very very close and if you died you would just make a new guy I think I'd yet have to like sit out the rest of that episode and then roll a new character level one such a sad it's a just sad idea to imagine you're sitting next to your miniature and you die and then for the rest of the episode you're just

sort of holding the miniature you can't talk until I'm watching the bronze hard one regretting that I ever ordered it maybe I'll be like a freaking spiritual banana or something the worst part would be like playing as level one along with like all these other like my friends who are like level eight or nine now they get like two attacks a lot of spells they're just really powerful and then I would just always be like I can only attack once and I really low HP like it would just be so sad even though I'm basketball with like the Lakers they'd be like if you were that sounds awesome to me yeah but like you had your actual

skill so people would be like oh Amir sucks that kind of thing yeah so even in this world of role-playing you still want to quote-unquote win be strong be better be jumping be faster yes my when my character like levels up and he's like oh now he's got 90 hit points instead of like 80 I'm like yeah now that like that much more invincible and then do you ever get as happy as you do like when a game winning shot happens or you're like yeah or is it never like that an instant burst it's more like a constant flow of joy it's kind of a constant flow of joy but then like there are times when we make a like a really good role that's

someone hit a big shot yeah it feels like a walk-off home run or like really that that good yeah because there's like also character stakes like there's there's an episode where like a character who's like our best friend in this series almost died and the way death saving throws work you roll a d20 I think it's like three times mm-hmm and if you get and if you get below 10 it's a fail yeah if you get above 10 it's pass uh-huh and you I think it's like or maybe it's I think it's like first two like if you get three passes you live if you get three fails you die wow you roll a one it counts as two fails oh I see

and if you roll a 20 it counts as two passes or it might even be as good as like you just shoot back up so it's like flipping a coin three times if you get tails three times in a row like one and eight chance of dying yeah and this character had like had two death saving fails was about to die yeah and Murph let me roll the d20 to see if you'd survive because like my character sort of gotten him in this mess in the first place and I rolled a d20 holy shit which is a one and 20 chance yeah and I got and I hit they call it the nat 20 the what 20 natural 20 nat 20 as opposed to what's an unnatural I don't know oh like

if you add your you have like modifiers yeah so like my strength this is so but I like that you're interested you are you you're so close to playing because it's almost like gambling it's a little bit of math and statistics so you're luring me in a little bit I'm like a scared cat that you're trying to get into your house the way you create your characters he's got certain strengths and weaknesses so like if you are a very strong character you get to add your strength modifier to something to like that d20 so if I rolled a 16 but my strength modifier is like plus four then that's 20 got it that's not a nat 20 but it's got a high roll got it but death saving throws are just like raw just roll the d20 and I rolled

a 20 and he lived and everybody was like breathing heavily afterwards so yeah you better believe you should have sex as hard one that roll made me feel like I hit a game winning three and all you had to do it kind of feels like craps were like a roulette where you get a number right that's probably closer to what it is than like actually hitting like a game winning like because it's luck yeah but it like it's rolling it's rolling that like what is it in craps a seven yeah it's rolling a seven all right so ask your ask your loved one maybe they will want to have sex with you in their character odds aren't should it seems likely because they like dnd and as you can tell if you like dnd you like snm what I tied up hard one last night no you did not and face fucked him

until he cried you wouldn't fucking allow it you bite your dick off and spit it up your ass I don't want to play anymore all right let's take a break we'll answer some more questions uh after these messages thank you to aura frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast you know aura frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire head gum network jake wow that's correct I mean this might be the goat father's day gift I think it actually is yeah yeah not just father's day but if for any uh not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon these digital photo frames might be the best of all time yeah for me personally these things are perfect I'll tell you why as you know I am expecting yeah uh my first child we got one for Jill's parents oh wow we got one for Jill's

grandma holy smokes we got one for my parents so there are three of these bad boys uh in our family right now but they are they're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family you can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen it's really nice oh that's cool so you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo yeah frame this is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant we got her the aura frame we plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant really nice asshole this was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit like uh this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant yeah yeah kind of like a she misheard

it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way by the way Jill's grandma is pregnant oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant it's pretty cool and you told me with a digital photo frame holy smokes and we let her know with an aura yeah thank you the aura announcement uh so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny yeah like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter yeah yeah exactly you can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame yeah it's a great gift a

really really iconic gift and right now you can save on the perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames that's a u r a frames dot com and our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames there it is oh wow this is timely the deal ends on June 18th so don't wait terms and conditions apply that's aura frames a u r a frames dot com okay go get your parent something all right and use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping thank you aura and now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate

yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule you just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge it's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years uh so give therapy a try it can give you the tools to find a more balanced life i've tried therapy it's been very helpful um so you can find that balance better with better help all you got to do is go to better help dot com slash if i were you you do that today you can get 10 off your first month

so the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room this is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help uh and it's extra affordable that's better help h e l p dot if i were you check them out thanks better help and we're back i talked last week i started the basketball podcast first episode is now online buckets is online episode one with ben schwarz what day does it release i'm gonna do it just randomly whenever i feel like it so episode one was on a friday before labor day episode two is going to be tomorrow with adam lustig and then whenever i can get a guest in here talking sports with me i'm gonna make it happen once a week uh

it's sometimes it'll be twice a week sometimes three times a week sometimes no no times a week just whenever basketball happens but i want to like do have a pretty steady stream now before the season starts just to bank a few great episodes and then once the season starts if something exciting happens i can have an episode you're going to be doing like emergency episode like emergency podcast this guy's gonna happen this guy's trade yeah exactly so as of now we have one episode with ben and i'm hearing that people who don't necessarily like basketball still like the show which is a high honor for me i don't know if that's going to continue that way but i think if you like me and ben i'll put in a little clip at the end of this show of like us

ranting ramble uh rambling about basketball maybe you'll like it you can check out buckets either way i'd appreciate a subscription a rate and or a review you know i did all three really yes what was your review um i think i just said pump for this podcast or something yeah i see that two stars you little piece of shit well i mean did you even listen to the episode i listened to a couple minutes of it and you said i didn't really get it i don't like podcasts is all uh no we're up to over 500 reviews damn and it helped out our itunes ranking so thank you so much for anybody that's listening so far a new episode coming tomorrow but as for this is it did anything happen in your labor day weekend that you wanted to talk about oh you went to main i did go to main

was it insane in the mem main was it insane in the main yeah i had a really really lovely time there uh we ate dinner at this place called the lost kitchen have you heard of this place you know i haven't um it's kind so it's like this sort of like a dinner club almost uh jill and her friend ramey are very into that kind of foodie thing of the experience yeah so this experience it's this tiny little restaurant in the middle of main in a town called freedom oh i see very very small yeah and there's just in this middle the middle of nowhere there is this amazing farm to table restaurant that takes 42 people a night and the only way to get a reservation there is to write a postcard starting in like march or april oh that's very it is so hip and they got 20 000

postcards when they opened that up so it's some sort of like college admissions for a restaurant it's kind of yeah it's like a lottery and uh jill's friend got chosen and they um they tried to do it on the weekend like after our wedding so we'd be on the east coast but it turned out the lady that owns the restaurant got married that same weekend that your wedding happened uh the week the next weekend afterwards like the one we were trying to plan to go oh wow um but yeah we ate there and it was crazy it was so good was it like better than like denny's even um it was like how were the eggs it was like i guess it was as good as denny's if you like didn't get the hash browns yeah so it's like pretty good like the eggs were a little firm it's sort of like have you ever been

to sonic yeah yeah so it's like sonic so it's like tater tots and greasy cheeseburgers yeah and then what was the dessert they didn't actually do dessert they don't do dessert well they had dessert but i was just like i'm not that hungry ever yeah it looks like just like i wonder if they give you a mint or something at the end i took a mint and a toothpick yeah and the toothpicks were fine and i also just grabbed a stranger's umbrella oh yeah it wasn't raining yeah who's using this anyway a little party favorite i had that and then how much did that cost you uh the umbrella was free uh huh are you talking about the dinner the meal yeah um i actually don't know it was a was a gift wow another gift to yourself that was just raking a bit that sounds pretty chill um oh

but i also i had a piece of unsolicited advice because wait hold on let me play the theme song um let's see here wait for it i had to pull it up i don't know i just i wasn't prepared for this you didn't know that i was gonna do this yeah this is just came out of nowhere when i was on the road so jake do you have any oh it's a lift on my trip back i listened to a playlist that my carnell made uh for his trip that he just took he like wrote a carnell wrote an amtrak from la to seattle and then from seattle to chicago i think wow stopping in like glacial national park and train yeah he took some really great photos but he also released a playlist which is something i and i think other people have been asking him to do

since he started just like screenshotting music on his instagram story yeah it's like i want to listen all these songs but i'm not i like it's i don't remember to go into spotify and like play them right um so he released a playlist called amtrak's oh am t r a c k that's that's pretty cool it's a mixtape yeah and it's great and if you're looking for a new playlist and that's a public playlist yeah interesting can people get like famous on spotify for having good playlists i mean like does he know how many people will subscribe or follow to his probably there are like numbers for for people who subscribe to certain playlists that's like i listened to that one uh rap caviar and there's like millions of people that subscribe to it he should just slide in a

episode as like track four that's smart yeah that's actually really smart that's my hope you listen to the advice yeah um all right let's see if we can answer some more questions shall we good shit this one is about a disney dilemma do you have a disney name for us hercules oh it's perfect each one leads into the other i'll cut right to my cheese writes hercules my girlfriend of two years decided to participate in the disney college program which is pretty much disney's way of pulling in college aged kids to work at their theme parks under the guise of an internship the jobs they give out aren't even cool she was assigned the duty of parking lot attendant though they do provide expensive as shit housing so i guess that's nice anyway she's going to be

off in florida for four fucking months we never even had any problems and we've both emphasized that we'd like to stay loyal to each other even though we're both fairly vanilla people who have been cheated on in the past so neither of us would think of it well act on it rather still though i'm naturally worried what if she gets bored of our relationship when she's out there what if she screws some other dude or worse yet the mousy menace himself mickey have either of you or anyone you know ever been away from a significant other for an extended period of time and stayed together if so how did you do it i know how strongly you discourage long-distance relationship so i'm curious what you would have to say when there is the prospect of their return after a set time

toda and shalom alechem been listening since y'all uh been listening and watching else since monopoly which is 10 years ago uh thanks love hercules imagine if she got screwed by goofy that'd be goofy that's what it sounds like when fucking hard one is coming that's not at all well he's the tall goofy guy he's not goofy well he's just a silly little character he has no sense of humor at all that doesn't sound good either he doesn't get jokes because he is a joke remember the is it from a march madness where you call mickey a little menace a mousy little diva bitch you're like complaining about how mickey's trying to like ruin stuff yeah shouldn't he be worried about like his girlfriend

fucking like prince charming not like the guy in the mickey mouse costume i guess he's more worried about being humiliated which is like a lot of the time what cheating is really about because you have to have the shame of telling people that your girlfriend had sex with a mouse instead of you like if if she had sex with with like with yeah with prince charming yeah or prince eric or the beast from beauty and the beast yeah um that'd be that'd be easy to understand but if she fucks mickey that's a tough pill to swallow if she fucks fucking pluto wait there's goofy and pluto in the disney universe or is this another daffy duck did uh donald duck situation i thought i thought pluto belonged to goofy no pluto was like the actual

dog that mickey owned and then goofy was like another talking character who's the most embarrassing person in the disney sphere for someone to lose their significant other over hmm so hey i can't be with you anymore i had sex with goofy i well goofy's kind of tall goofy's hot is all he's got that big dick energy yeah who's the who's like a short little shrimp like do we i mean maybe daffy daffy duck yeah because screw just rich daffy wears like a dumb little onesie has like blue overalls doesn't he yeah no no yes daffy duck yeah no that's donald right sorry donald duck wears the blue overalls uh daffy daffy's looney tunes daffy is looney tunes daffy's the black one donald's the white one um there was goofy and then there was pluto

pluto the dog yeah also both disney uh but pluto's a straight up dog maybe that's more embarrassing than goofy yeah what about winnie the poo he's not disney yeah but he's a character wait isn't he no he's not at disneyland i don't think so i think when i'm searching now it says winnie the poo and pals at disney fine for whatever reason winnie's there okay is that an embarrassing one or he's kind of gentle and cool he's like a sensitive lover what who's a fucking bear piglet's more embarrassing i'm blue piglet do you like that know that piglet's a dude yeah piglet is a is an asexual pansexual supportive little pig friend so that's kind of embarrassing who else is there that's bad uh well i we're not helping this guy's anxiety like what if she

cheats on me with mickey like no she can cheat on you with all these people too yeah there's a whole array of people and then she can also cheat on you in another parking lot attendant she can cheat on you with somebody that just lives in florida that doesn't work at disney oh that'd be really that's the worst character of all is guy who's at disney world you guys just need to have a conversation to reaffirm that you're not gonna cheat on each other why does there need to be a conversation do you have to reaffirm that kind of stuff isn't that just sort of the base level rule of a relationship is i won't fuck anybody else if we're apart for four months but i don't think it's reaffirming it for her it's not like hey if if he doesn't remind her not to fuck anybody she's going

to yeah she just it seems like he's got some anxiety so he needs to be reassured from her that she's not going to yeah and four months when you're like 18 to 22 feels like forever four months like relationships don't last that long the fact that she's gone for four months that's like a summer and change think about how fast summer used to go by when you were in high school that's a blue buy and that's three months you still got another month after that so have you experienced such a distance uh a time distance before uh yeah uh jill and i were long distance for a full year but what's the longest you've gone without seeing each other oh probably never more than like three or four weeks oh no god no you wouldn't have survived that she would have four months she would have

fucked mickey i know that and mini i know some sort of mouse based orgy she told me she told me that that's why i flew to where she was to stop it from happening which was studying abroad what about visiting her it's a four month situation why don't you come at the two month mark see what she's up to or you could go with the one month mark and then she could visit you at the three month mark you never want to be in a relationship that is just distance away from cheating on each other it's like if only i had four months away i would sleep with somebody else or here's an here's an un um a non-good way of dealing with the situation is you cheat on her that way yeah if it happens and she like is telling you about to be like it's okay we're even right that's yeah that's

that trick up your sleeve the one in the back pocket yeah you want to keep that ace that force field but i just don't think that's healthy obviously no that's not a good idea i was just thinking of i wanted to give her this person bad options so that he could take a good one but you know if you guys are if you're so worried about cheating on it doesn't sound like he's worried about cheating on her he's just worried about her cheating on him that's why i think a conversation will be helpful because he's like gone down the rabbit hole in his head of like feeling anxious about it here's what you don't want to do you don't want to be like the guy who's texting like hey i haven't heard from you 90 minutes where the hell are you are you at work FaceTime me right now i need to know

where you are because that will sort of urge her to maybe consider cheating on you because you're being a crazy person and you know yeah that's your behavior sort of showing the ugly side of your insecurity which is actually a gentle nice thing that comes from a place of love that should be nurtured and cared for but like if you take that and you rather than say like hey i'm needy i'm sorry can you tell me you're not going to cheat on me i feel like i'm weak right now i know that but i need your help like if you don't admit that and instead you're like you must tell me where you are at all times you cannot speak with mickey or with goofy you may converse with Pluto but only if you're secretly FaceTiming me so i can make sure you're not whoring yourself to piglet uh then

you're a piece of shit so like don't be a piece of shit take your insecurity own it be like i'm a little i'm a little libtic loser right now help me short and stout uh all right let's answer one more question since we were a day late a buck short i don't want people to feel short changed over here this guy is a 25 year old who has been single for the first time since age 13 he just Jesus he seems like a Rudy okay let's call him Rudy hey guys i'm 25 currently single for the first time since i was 13 the dating world has changed quite a bit since 2006 between tinder bumble polyamory etc so i suppose my question refers to quite a bit since you were uh 13 13 yeah like the world changed yeah since i was 13 i suppose my question refers to the

latter and is somewhat of a moral issue i'm an american and a supervisor at my job where we employ an ample amount of newly american workers so i have learned very good spanish and korean there's this beautiful girl from argentina who flirts with me all day long and is stunningly pretty and has an infectious personality i really like her and i think she likes me too we share a lot of the same interests and goof around all day here's the problem her wife just transferred to my department three weeks ago she's from columbia and honestly even hotter but isn't really that flirty or anything but her wife is still the same way with me i'm not delusional and thinking about some grand threesome no i would never want to break up a couple because they clearly love each other

so i figured it would just be a cool work flirt no problem but here's the wrench last week they mentioned three times that they want half white children the last time they mentioned it together to me like directly asked if i would help so jake and the chipmunk what do i do would this be fun and result in multiple encounters or would it be bad and i would technically have children help cheers i'm a day oneer hey this seems like the premise for a porn this seems like something even maybe you wouldn't have done in your heyday of not giving a fuck would you have given yes i would have you would have fucked and given a baby yes so it was a for a threesome i probably would have and and if it was a one-on-one fuck me until you i you impregnate me then no you wouldn't have

so it's gone that too far in that regard so you wouldn't want to give someone a baby i'd only give someone babies if it was for a threesome if only we can make it a 4g after nine months do i want to have a threesome that's actually a good compromise for this guy it's like i'll give you the baby but it's gotta be both of you a crazy night and we don't know who's gonna end up pregnant we were talking about you being a sperm donor and the uh three some you are absolutely fired okay kiss me and we'll call it even i i guess just be open to if you're open to it that's cool but i wouldn't push in any fashion i never heard of two women becoming pregnant by the same guy on the same night it's like almost twins but not really you know what i mean isn't pregnancy itself like

kind of a rarity it's yeah in one night impregnate two women is hot that's hard one sure but with those people there'd be step siblings right same dad different mom half siblings half twins almost because they're the same exact age yes but not from the same sperm or the same egg it's got to have happened no twin ever at all yeah yeah but yeah that's interesting that's cool to think about what would you do in this situation of course i wouldn't do it i see you're packing heat right now you are a full chub it's because you mentioned a hard one again uh i don't think it's worth having children dealing with that whole thing you don't know the legality of who owes what what after that situation yeah you well you get them to sign something they're really serious they're gonna

give some paperwork if they're really serious they should be paying you right like it costs money to do that stuff like for a sperm donor of any caliber i would think yes no i don't know people get paid for that i think so i mean the weird thing i think is probably just like it's not like you would need money even if they want to just a sperm donor it's more just like the idea that this child or children would grow up knowing who their father was or at least like these women would know who the father was it seems like too much were ever like hey i want to know who my dad was they'd be like well he's in the picture he was a sperm donor or one wild threesome that we had or whatever and the kid would be like well i really want to know and this guy's like hey this wasn't

part of the deal but it sort of inherently is part of the deal would do you does that freak you out little jakes running around or like donating sperm would you do that or is it kind of weird i would do like a blind donation of sperm you would do that yeah you don't care the it doesn't freak you out to have this like half her wits running around somewhere that you don't know about no that wouldn't bother me that's awesome dude thanks man i really i wanted to be blind i wouldn't want to like have somebody show up and be like you want the kid to be like no i jerked off into a dish that sounds like something my dad would say papa that's now that's a movie idea i think that is a movie idea big daddy no that's like there's like a vince von movie where he like was a sperm donor yeah and

he like had 50 kids oh yeah it was fred claws that's right and what a weird name they gave that premise uh all right that's it we're out of time i gotta upload this before the the guys with the pitchforks get all the way to our office demanding content oh they have speared marty ah thank you so much for listening we'll be back next week the opening theme song uh was the Hercules theme song written by hunter this closing one is john thorp uh if you have your own questions your own theme song send them all to if i were you show at gmail.com uh right after the theme song is going to be a little teaser a taster of the buckets podcast that i did with ben schwarz so hopefully you guys enjoy that and listen to that and listen to dnd and listen to other

stuff and and we'll be back next week ciao for now peace dudes on head come so we mail in to jake and i'm here they'll put you on blast and maybe it's a podcast it's out every monday if i will you show a gmail.com he's a gameboy fix a word at random fix a word at random and that's how they choose and if i were if i were you i would send my questions into these dudes if i were if i were you and they will tell you what they would do if i were you show a gmail.com if i were you show a gmail.com if i were you show a gmail.com if i were you show a gmail.com this is the game we keep going until you're not allowed to name okay 10 seconds per player yep you're not allowed to name the same 10 seconds i think we

got to go like boom boom name okay patrick ewing boom boom name boom boom you already missed you already missed all right sorry sorry you're ready ready boom boom and this game is gonna be called boom boom now every time we snap yep you have to say a name i'm gonna go first starting patrick ewing chris dudley john starks charlie ward chris child hubert davis chris tops for zingis kevin nox wakin noah wakin phoenix wakin phoenix there's a lot of pressure Steve Novak charles smith charles oakley derek harper anthony mason xavier mc daniel i love it i lost it it's hard it's hard it's a lot of pressure yeah it is a lot of pressure guys let's sing the bucket song to go out here it comes ready bucky

it's i'm getting bucket bucket bucket bucket bucket a bucket a bucket a bucket a bucket a bucket a bucket a bucket a bucket a bucket now i'm here says thanks for listening everybody that was a hate gun podcast