If I Were You - 347: Instagram Stories

Episode Date: September 10, 2018

In this episode we discuss teenage sobriety, emotional cheating, and dating your brothers best friend.Hungry for more? Check out Jake on Amir's NBA podcast: BUCKETS! See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. What's your favorite favorite? Precipitation plus temperature combo. A little bit of sleep. A little bit of sleep. A little bit of sleep. A little bit of sleep. A little bit of sleep.

A little bit of sleep. A little bit of sleep. A little bit of sleep. A little bit of sleep. A little bit of sleep. Oh, and guess what? It's sleeting, though. It's a little bit of sleep, though.

A little bit of sleep. Oh, sleet-sleet, motherfucker. Oh, sleet-sleet. Whoa! Nice! That was written by 50th cent. 50th cent? 50th cent.

50th cent? Yes, 50th cent. Are you serious? No, it's just a 50th cent cover. It was written by Wilson Desimone, who wanted to give his girlfriend, Elena, a shout out. They're both big fans of the show.

I love that. I love it even more, because I'm a huge 50th cent fan, and for him to do the remix is a little bit of sleet, though. A little bit of sleet, though. And guess what else? There's a little bit of sleet, though.

It's funny to like sleet, which I think is the worst precipitation. Nobody likes sleet, right? It's wet snow, it's ice. Only if it's a little bit. It's a freezing rain? There might be just a little bit of a sleet, though. Nobody likes the sleet,

even if you can like the snow, or like the rain. It's just got a bad name. It's got a bad rap. And rightfully sleet, though. He's got a soundcloud. And it appears to be soundcloud.com slash willy, willy, willy, willy.

Four willies. Four willies. That's good. It's like free willy, but four willy. Oh, nice. Well done. So thanks for that. Thanks for that remix of a little bit of sleet, though. A little bit of sleet, though. Today is actually Rosh Hashanah,

the first day of the Jewish New Year. Happy New Year, Bub. Can you believe it? Do you know what Jewish New Year it is? I think it's 48, 9. It is 5, 7, 7, 8. Wow. Or maybe that was last year.

And now it's 5, 7, 7, 9. So, is it? Alright, so the Christian calendar only measures the years after Jesus came. And before Jesus was alive. Yeah, so they're like, oh, this is 28 BC.

That's right. But either way, they only go back 5,000 years. The Jewish calendar starts with the beginning of the Bible or the beginning of time as dictated by the Bible.

So it's like zero was God created the heavens and earth. And then 5,779 years later, according to the lunar calendar, because we follow the moon and not the sun. But then they talk about dinosaurs being 130 million years ago.

But there's no dinosaurs in the Bible. There's no date though. There's no being like oh yeah, the Mesozoic era was Yeah, when Moses was there. They do that with BC, but not with Jewish calendar. The Jewish calendar is not like

there's not even a BC. No, the dinosaurs were in zero. No, there's no dinosaurs. Yeah, before time. The Jewish people know there's dinosaurs, right? Yeah, but I wonder what year they thought that was in the Jewish calendar. They think God created

dinosaurs. That's right. And Abraham actually wrote a freaking stegosaurus. And Moses, he was on a T-rex. I mean, why not just be like oh yeah, all that shit was before God? You know, I feel like there's an intelligent way to answer the question.

I don't know, because I know that it's 5779, but I don't know where they put dinosaurs on that list. Because even the dinosaurs are different times too. You know, the stegosaurus wasn't the same time as the brontosaurus. Is that true? I don't know. But there were different dinosaurs

different times. We got to talk to a Jewish archaeologist. That's Ross Geller. Because I mean, you look at like Jerusalem and they say it's, I guess that's thousands of years old. God, I hate not knowing shit.

Really? I'm pretty comfortable with it. So you're fine not knowing how Jews justify the idea of no dinosaurs. Yeah, because I like, I mean there's no way to justify it. So there's not really a need for me to find out how they do it.

I really just want to know if Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob had a fucking pterodactyl at their bar mitzvahs. I want to know if I want to know if Rachel, Rebecca, and Leia were

not only living with their husbands, but living with a fucking what's another dinosaur? A mastodon. That's sort of a pterodactyl, right? A t-rex, a velociraptor. God, could we just talk about

basketball or something I know about for the first six? I don't get any of this shit. Lebron James. I should say we just recorded just finished recording an episode of Buckets My Basketball Podcast. So if you're gotten enough of, if I were you at the end of the show and want to listen to more of us

or if you got enough of us when we started saying sleep though again. That's right. And if you wanted to hear us talk about the National Basketball Association I'm going to make sure that that episode is online right now. So when you're done with this, hop on over

to Buckets Episode 3 with Jake Hurwitz. In the can. About the man. Lebron James. That's right. And this unfortunately is not a basketball podcast. This is an advice show. Sadly for us. We got to give people what they want and that's the wisdom of these

two, I want to say scholars but you just heard us talk about calendars, years and dinosaurs so you know how smart we are. Oh, I'm a dumbass. Proven dumbass. But we are expert millennials. That's 30-somethings. We've been in the game for a long time

and people are seeking our wisdom, our guidance, our advice. They'll email us if I were you show at gmail.com and they want to know how we would handle their life sticky situation. This guy actually gave his girlfriend a fake name but we need to give

him a fake name. The girl that he's naming in the question is named Alphalfador. Alphalfador. So we'll call him Spanky. That's good. Spanky writes, I'm in a conundrum. I met a girl named Alphalfador a few months back while working at a basketball

game. She was also working and during a slow time we hit it off. She was a dime piece, a fine piece of feminine specimen with a Kate Upton vibe to boot. Since then, we would talk every single shift we had together and it was fun and flirty and we actually

had deep conversations. Nice. This is all during a basketball game. On the last day we were working together, I scored them digits. We have an awesome rich beautiful, sorry, I have an awesome rich beautiful selfless girlfriend

that I may never have mentioned to Alphalfador. Alphalfador and I have texted a metric fuck tongue since I got her number and I could tell she's super into me. But even texting makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm cheating

on an emotional level. So my question is, is getting coffee or just hanging out without Alphalfador harmless? Should I let my girlfriend know about it even though nothing physical is going on? Thanks guys. Love spanky. Is it harmless?

Because that's what I need to hear right now. Because I'm getting coffee with her and coffee will turn into tea and tea will turn into a long island iced tea and I wasn't I wasn't physical but we were hanging out all night and we had an awkward goodbye

having an amazing conversation and yeah, I haven't talked to Alphalfador about my girlfriend. So I'm deceiving her and my girlfriend at the same time. For the price of fun. Nice! What is he doing? He's just trying to scratch that itch. He wants to feel

the sexy romance excitement times of a flirtation sesh while also having a girlfriend. Yeah, but sometimes you don't feel guilty conscience part either. Sometimes you think it's casual scratching of it. You know when you pick your nose and you're just like oh I think there's a little

but I'm not going to stick my finger at my nose but then you sort of feel this really nice big crusty burger and then you put your finger all the way to your nose just being like I'm not going to yank this out of my nose I just want to feel how big it is and then you feel all the way up near your eye socket

and then it's got a tiny little corner off so you can just pull this whole entire thing and that'll feel good because you can finally blow your nose but then no, here you go before you know it, you are yanking the huge burger out of your nose

you turn to the left at a stoplight and you see your fucking girlfriend staring at you wondering what you're doing and you're like oh shit that's what's happening right now. He's tiptoeing forward he's moving up the nose but you don't want to tease yourself with somebody that's actually beautiful and you feel a connection to

that's not like teasing that's not scratching an itch she'll feel misled you don't text a stranger who's attractive of the opposite gender and not mention your girlfriend and then think it's fine and that it's not cheating

so what you're doing is not harmless it's harmful and you're trending towards making it even more harmful but what can you do you can either break up with your girlfriend and pursue this other interest or your girlfriend and break off these flirtations

at what point can you stop a flirtation where it's not harmful I think there's still time for him now oh you think he hasn't gone too far no I mean they're texting a lot but if he's asking is it harmless if I get coffee that's because he wants to

you know like so I think we'll say I'll go on record saying it's harmful if you guys go get coffee so texting I mean you should stop texting too but here's where you cut it off if she says hey why don't we get a drink

or why don't we get coffee I'd like to but I actually have a girlfriend so I should probably chill out I'm sorry but at what point even in the grand scheme of things does harmless flirtation become harmful flirtation isn't the getting of the number is that not allowed

I think all of it's it's more based on how he's feeling isn't it like if talking to um alfalfa door makes him feel more distant and resentful of his girlfriend

and like withdrawn from her then that's harmful that's like detrimental to the relationship is there a world where he's talking and flirting and texting and meeting isn't somehow adversely affecting his relationship no because even if he's not like feeling those things

it's a different word to find out that he was getting coffee with this hot girl that he met at work and had been texting a lot with then it would be harmful like she would feel jealous and sad and hurt by it I think it's the texting that's really like the next level like talking to someone at work you can justify that's though it's

a work flirt it's a meet cute it's a company in romance yeah once you text and it's like all night and it's during whenever and you have access and it's exciting and you see their name in your phone that is chatting taking the next yeah and then meeting is

an even bigger next step I don't even think he should be texting let alone meeting although yeah because she wouldn't have gotten the number I don't think you give you don't give out your number to somebody when you're in a relationship I would say texting meeting

or chatting at work to texting is a bigger leap than texting to meeting up I think texting is like the big step because that's 24-7 access to your brain your mind your chatting yeah and then you start hiding shit on the phone that's when you but it's all the

it's all the path to fucking yeah which is actually cheating yes so it's the road to death right if you know that there's death 100 feet away do you cover your eyes and take 40 steps towards death that seems a little dangerous because what if

your steps start becoming longer what if you start making a wrong turn if you start risk you realize it's a slippery slope that's right it's going down you can actually fall down and slide and then fall off the mountain and the closer you get the harder it is to avoid right not unlike because you have to yeah you have to go back

up yeah yeah and that backup sometimes results in your girlfriend not wanting to let you back up yep so this guy has to sort of make a decision who he wants to be with and that's his decision to make he can break up with someone that's fine right but this

is duplicity I don't condone it no nor should you so stop being duplicitous spanky you duplicitous spanky and make a decision you can't have it both ways correct here's a 15 year old Dane

who will call Dane cook nice hi I'm a 15 year old guy with a problem my classmates like to party and so do I but they only invite people who drink this is where the problem begins my fellow snatch lovers and no I'm not a fucking

that faints when smelling alcohol but I don't I just don't feel like trying it yet I don't really need to but this keeps my classmates and friends from inviting me to their parties and don't mistake me I'm not really shy I'm known as a funny guy in class which I enjoy being

but how can I get them to invite me am I being a diva with this some extra info I play basketball you can find out that I search basketball to find these questions I see I'm six foot three and yes I'm bragging and this also keeps me from being able to party Friday nights these party

hats do a bit of weed isn't this crazy as 15 year olds and also I live in the capital of Denmark Copenhagen another crazy thing is that all my female classmates have done a blow job and one has even gotten some ding dong in her hole on the backside

I'm going to high school next year peace wait 15 and he's out in high school yet? who knows what the fuck is going on in Copenhagen when did you start you didn't start doing any of this stuff till college yeah I wasn't even invited to drinking parties until I was like 16

17 but I was allowed to be there but I didn't want to drink because I was afraid of getting in trouble right and I was drinking as a 14 year old and getting into lots of trouble 14 that's so young was it a party or was it just like two friends in a basement it was sort of like in between

we didn't ever have like rager parties when did cool parties start like 17 year olds hanging out by a pool drinking alcohol I guess that was like for me that was high school like junior and senior year we'd have parties at people's houses

when kids could drive just when it was dangerous enough to start drinking I think even in high school we like for the most part had like DD's though so like you were smart about it even then that's smart because we're 16 getting shit faced at house parties

how do you cover a hangover from a parent like I can understand maybe like trying not to act as drunk as possible but then the next day when you're just like puking dehydrated tired and sweating when you're 16 you don't really get as much hangovers interesting I was definitely I like got like one or two hangovers

my entire and I would drink all the time interesting I wonder if there's some sort of science behind that anyway don't drink before you're legally allowed to kids of course this guy wants to get invited to parties and he can't do it why can't he get invited and not drink were there were there

non-drinkers did you know any sober 16 year olds at these drunken parties yeah and I don't really remember it being a big deal but like maybe you maybe if you're like I've we're all going to steal liquor from my parents liquor cabinet and we don't want to invite this guy because he doesn't drink

but I don't know I don't really remember I sort of remember being like if you're not going to drink that's great because we could only get this much alcohol anyway I remember like being at these parties like first and I was just like this is insane like like how this guy saying they also all do drugs

isn't that crazy I felt like I had been fed information my whole young adult life of like don't drink don't do drugs and then I went to this party and everyone was ignoring the rules I'm like hello like what is going on here putting out a cigarette dumping a beer down

this thing such reckless abandon how does nobody care about the big overarching biggest rule of life which is don't do drugs this is nuts to me like everyone's just you know doing this stuff that we've been like brainwashed I thought not to do but I feel like I'm the only

one who's following the rules here yeah well I think that illustrates the fact that people sort of run the gamut like when they're ready to start partying yeah I mean I guess I still started in college which is a little bit earlier than the legal amount but and then there are some people who wait until 21

to drink but there's some people people that just don't like the way at all yeah the yeah exactly yeah so I think it's it's more about just being comfortable in your own skin I don't think people are not inviting you to parties because you don't drink like put yourself out there

and say you want to come to the parties I'm sure they wouldn't be like no you can't come because you don't drink and if they do say that fuck them do you know somebody else do you think you're getting over drinking like is it going down a little bit for you yeah maybe a little bit like you don't feel the urge to get

drunk I feel like if anything I feel more the urge I still like the way alcohol tastes and I like the way it makes me feel of course like I definitely don't I used to like when I was living in New York I would be like oh I'm gonna like skip dinner or eat a

light dinner so I can like get drunk or faster yeah and like I want to go out and dance and go to a bunch of bars and like if I eat food then I'll feel like heavy and now I'm like oh I'm gonna have like a couple drinks so I'm gonna eat a big ass dinner so I don't get too drunk all right so I'm definitely like trying

to manage um drinking yeah in a more healthier way but I'm not necessarily stopping at the same time right but are you slowing down actively or is it just like less in your life because I guess it's just less than less

in my life I don't yeah I don't party as much which is fine which is good you're a fucking loser dude it's weird it's a you would think or I would think that like I would miss it be like oh man I used to party

now I have to go home yeah but like that just that part of my brain is like not that it's been dulled and not by alcohol right by healthier activity yeah now I like the idea of like going on a hike on Saturday and it really should be nine because

it's supposed to be pretty hot out that's right and I'd hate to be hung over on the hike yeah and you basically every time you're singing you're in a relationship you kind of like don't like drink yeah like I use drinking as like a social lubricant to meet new people and then when I'm in a relationship I don't

need to meet new people I don't need new friends and I don't need new ladies so like why am I out and about getting drunk where I'm like I instantly start feeling hung over after the second drink now because like it's such like a mental thing we're like what am I doing why am I doing this why do I need to be loose

right now yeah I'm I have everything that I need I don't need to be like more less inhibited I think I think I still like getting drunk and partying but it's just like whereas before I would do it at least twice a week

and even earlier than that I would do it like almost every night yeah all right no I really have to like stay in tonight it's it's Monday so now I'm like it happens maybe every two or three weeks right where I'll like we'll have a friend in town or I'll

be traveling and I'll meet up with somebody like all right let's like have a couple drinks let's go out to three more bars I did it last week in New York with with the rosies and Mikey and Nick and Vinny and that was real fun you got wasted not wasted but we like stayed out till two

which used to be early in New York right I mean we definitely could have stayed out for three more drinks but yeah no need no need I guess that's as hard as I party now there are friends of ours that like like stay out till like five or six even if it's like drinking by themselves

which I really don't get like what you're you're back at your place of sleep and now you're still hanging out and drinking yeah don't you like to sleep from two to six like why get drunk and then sleep less that doesn't that doesn't compute to me I watched the sun come up at Carnell's

wedding and I remember that I remember feeling I'm looking down and be like oh my god it's six what the fuck have I done yeah who stays up so late maybe it's just us getting older anyway what should this 15 year old do try to get an invite to the party

even if you're not drinking and if what's the point of hanging out with people who are getting shitfaced if you're not that's true these parties probably aren't as fun as you think sounds like he has some self-confidence though so I don't think I mean just like asked to be invited to the party make people laugh and be sober and it's fine I wonder if you can dunk six with

three 15 years old Danish and yeah in Denmark the hoops are eight feet yeah that's legal there the drinking age 16 and the rims are nine yeah the drinking age is at like 18 there isn't it I would assume less

all right you don't have that much longer to go stay stay sober for now what are we calling oh dame cook yeah you're almost there all right let's take a break think some sponsors and we'll be back with more questions and answers after this thank you to aura frames for sponsoring

this headgum podcast you know aura frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire headgum network Jake wow that's correct I mean this might be the goat father's day gift I think it actually is yeah yeah not just father's

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they're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family you can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen it's really nice oh that's cool so you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo yeah frame this is actually how we

how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant we got her the aura frame we plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant really nice asshole this was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it I was just

being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant yeah yeah kind of like she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way by the way Jill's grandma is pregnant oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant it's pretty cool

and you told me with a digital photo frame holy smokes and we let her know with an aura yeah thank you the aura announcement so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app

add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny yeah like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter yeah yeah exactly you can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display

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alright and use the code head gum for 30 dollars off plus free shipping thank you aura and now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful

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and it's extra affordable that's better help h-e-l-p dot com slash if I were you check them out thanks better help and we're back Jake do you have any sure don't do you yeah so here's what I'm thinking this one's a little

minute it's a little unfair to me it's sad and it's um inconsequential to 99% of you got it but for those who it does help here's my little

tidbit and it really is a tid of a bit of advice in instagram we all know that stories have slowly started to trickle out take over they've ostensibly killed snapchat for me and they're honestly starting to hurt instagram for me because it's like

it's seemingly becoming all about these stories and these stories feel like an even bigger waste of time than instagram because now instagram is at least a place for people to post their important nice photos and stories are just the garbage bin of the internet right you have to

go through a little bit of a process to post a photo yeah the story or tag a place shit and stuff up there sometimes it's funny sometimes it's a poll sometimes just a fucking picture of a dog shit that's not good enough for main main instagram yeah which is interesting because

more people see the story so I've noticed that um if you scroll down a little bit I don't know what the algorithm is but at a certain point instagram gives you a nice little strip of people's stories as a preview right because it's trying to get you to go back to the

top and watch the stories instagram wants you to watch the stories that's right scroll past the stories it'll be like hey you missed these stories that's right are you sure you want to miss the stories don't you want to click on the stories I found that the story strip which is not

big enough to actually consume is a little bit of a nicotine patch that scratches the urge of the story lets you consume stories faster and makes it so people can't see that you looked at people that's what it's really about for you so you love people

not you love it when people think oh Amir didn't watch my story it's just a nice little fucking atta boy that you never see my name in the list of things Amir's too busy Amir's too cool no he's not he has a podcast and he

gives you a tip about the strip it's a strip tip and my strip tip for those who don't want to be nipped or stripped or tipped is instead of going mindlessly through these stories of people you don't care about people that you don't follow that

you don't even want to show that you've put any extra attention or effort into their lives that's true consume the strip use the strip so your advice is it like hey get off instagram smell a flower do not do that

don't make any meaningful real life connections I can get you I can get you high faster I can game the system you're still using it in a different way more stories quicker straight to the vein

and most importantly no little name that says you've consumed that person's story very interesting have you ever like screen grabbed a person's avatar and blown it up because you don't want to

follow them on instagram but you want to know what they look like no yeah me neither but can you imagine absolutely so you screen grab the little circular thumbnail that's so small it's very blurry and then you stretch it out you blow it up you get a good idea

because you can't request you don't want to request to follow you don't want to request to follow where do you get off being private that makes sense that does make sense to me I used to do that thing you know like you would be watching one story and if you hold down it pauses it and you can sort of go halfway

to the next one oh I can like see this person's story but I don't want them to know that I watched it I thought that was a snapchat thing oh you can go to the next story by sliding over and not fully consuming the story

that's pretty good that's a good tip and then have you ever gotten lost in an instagram story like feed and then you end up on someone that you didn't want to see their shit you're like shit they fucking tricked me into sliding into my ex-girlfriend's stories I didn't even want to see it

yep sure have oh and to make matters worse she posted it two and a half minutes ago I'm the only freaking name on the feed and she has 128 followers it's prominent it's got the check mark next to it

she sees it she knows it alright that's my tip I like it let's get back to some solicited advice okay this one's from a lady who seems to be very mad who's a madder lady

than Kamala Harris who is just bringing it to Kavanaugh on these hearings awesome I mean she is I wouldn't call her mad I'd call her responsible that's right she's upset but in a good way that the Trump is trying to slide this guy into our supreme court

not on her watch stay heated Harris writes my bitch ass husband never wanted to have sex as much as I did he didn't enjoy initiating and when he actually had sex he was so damn fast that he was done before

I started he claimed that sex was not that important to him recently he cheated on me and told me that it was better with the other person so my question is how do I not fall into a pit of despair signed obviously separated

you just read that in an angry voice it was mad she was angry her question is how do I not fall into a pit of despair yeah but she also called her husband a bitch ass who didn't want to have sex bitch ass isn't sad it's pissed but it's I

to me at that question my bitch ass husband yeah to me it rendered my bitch ass husband but it seems like the answer to her question is in the question itself he wanted to have sex he wasn't that good at it and now you get to have sex

and do it with people who are good at it yeah this guy's a piece of shit get laid dude the way you don't fall into a pit of despair is to do all of the things that is so great about or are so great about being single and that is reconnecting with

your friends and your family people that like didn't get to see you enough or didn't get to see you being yourself because you were always around this shitty asshole dude this bitch ass husband and then then like that's what gets you feeling more

like yourself and ready for dating I wonder what's better when a really sweet person says they don't want to be with you anymore but they were very nice and friendly throughout the whole relationship and things were going great or when a person like this is mean, bad at sex cheated on you and said it was better

like do you want your loved one to be mean to you so you can get over it faster or do you want it to be sweet so that you're like pining forever I don't know because it's not like I don't think you really get over being cheated on and then told that the sex with the other person was better yeah but like that's like that is very it's cut and dry that you should

not be with that person but it's still like a pretty detrimental thing to say and do it's trauma yeah so here's my theory I think when someone's mean to you and a cheater and a meaner then you're angry at first but it goes away faster because you're like fuck this guy

and a sweet person does it it might not be as sad as the cheating and the meaning but it lasts for longer yeah the confusion so it's a longer tail but not as high of a start I don't think I've ever been like broken up with somebody but yeah

I've never been broken up with by someone who is like I thought everything was going fine and then just one day they pulled the rug out from under me and were like actually I don't want to be with you every time I've broken up with somebody it's been too late yeah it's been very clear for a long time

that it was ending yeah it's been a slow crossfade to black which I guess is another way of doing it but this way seems better for me I'm just saying now you can you should be excited not pissed about it

yeah use it as an opportunity this is a cool thing congratulations congrats indeed you would have stayed married to this piece of shit and had bad sex and he would have been a piece of shit I wonder if they probably don't have kids either right she would have mentioned something I bet she would have

we'd love a follow up pup on how you're feeling now that you're getting back out there I wonder if how good conception was affects the child so like IQs and kids that were conceived in sex that was considered great

versus how kids turn out in sex that was considered bad I think is there any way to measure that yeah orgasm strength volume but then like how do you know which time you got pregnant like if you have sex three times in a week

yeah I've never done that that have sex to have kids I want to talk to friends of mine that have gone through that because I wonder if the sex is different yeah or if it's like almost like methodical like you have to do it this way yeah I think there are like certain positions

that are like better for the sperm to travel to the egg again yeah or is that all just like an old wives tale like you don't eat salt or don't eat meat or do it on a this or do it like this yeah I don't know I wonder if like the kids are smarter

in sex where like you had a condom on but like it's this oh accidental pregnancies it's almost like oh this like this sperm was extra smart navigated like against all odds

it was like being born at all is like a billion to one cause there's so many sperm but the fact that this sperm navigated through that defense they probably all become kick returners imagine Devin Hester as a fucking sperm

I won't because I can't cause I don't know who that is but can you imagine a awesome punt returnsman navigating a latex shield like he does the defense Wes Welker that's right a Wes Welker type he's already small and white which I assume is what sperm is

alright one last question let's do it this lady is not unlike the first lady but maybe a little bit different this lady who will call

Tad Shanti long story short I fucked one of my brother's best friends recently without my brother's knowledge of us being in contact let alone spending a weekend together and fucking some back info I'm 24 and my bro

and his friends are 26 I've known about him for four years passively the BFF and I have been texting and calling and facetime each other constantly for the past one to two months at the end of this spontaneous weekend I decided that I'd actually be down to be this guy's friend but since

he left he's been a little distant and not present in our conversations shy sad face should I let it go and passively ghost him or continue maybe making an effort to birth a possible friendship also what do y'all think

about how my bro might feel about my BFF and I being his BFF and I being friends side note homie made me orgasm needless to say the sex was great fire emoji also I've been listening to dnd pod lately so added points if y'all want to role play this situation

thanks for your POV boys tad shanty all right tad what do you think I think she's kind of getting ghosted yeah it seems like he's been distant should I ghost him I think right it's

sex was awesome but he's not talking to me so should I ghost this asshole I think it sounds like you guys both came to the same conclusion after this weekend that the relationship a romantic one isn't worth pursuing but the exciting weekend

was still good yeah so now she's saying like I'll be friends with him and he's saying I want out I'm done here ish I think maybe I'm reading too much into it I think she wants to have sex with him again and he

is seemingly distant and she's sort of convincing herself by saying I just wanted to remain friends but he's being so cold and distant maybe I should ghost him that's the narrative that I have in my mind I see and I think that this guy is probably like he got a little too real he's nervous about like

needing to tell his best friend that he fucked his sister and that he's like gonna like start dating her so he's like no I'm not gonna do that I gotta I gotta bail it's like the difference between right before having sex and right after having sex personified as a man after

you're done having sex the last thing you want to do is have sex right again oh right away again and they're in that phase now where he's like I don't need it as much as I did the first time right the like the face timing and the texting that was all like ramping up to this one crazy weekend yeah and

now and now like the the questioning of what it was is settling in yeah that like my my best friend's gonna be super mad and maybe he's nervous too he's like oh no and what if she's like falling for me and I have to like this whole thing comes to a head yeah and this lady who had an orgasm

and the sex was great that's probably more rare for a lady to have a great orgasm and great sex and she wants more she doesn't want less of it I believe that she doesn't want a relationship with him and she just wants to be his friend I don't think so why would you want to only be friends with someone who made

you have a great orgasm and the sex was great well a lot of people have great orgasm man I don't know I would like to talk to her but unfortunately all we have is this email I think she I think she recognizes the sex was great but doesn't want to like keep on fucking him or dating him

and she's like but I want to be his friend because that's like the norm I feel like girls mostly do like the normal healthy thing yeah I had sex with this person I like them I'm not like don't see them as a dating future for I don't see a future of dating

them so I'll just be friends because we had this crazy weekend where we fucked each other and that's the right thing to do and he's like I'm scared now so we'll never speak of this yeah I think she wants to be friends because she liked she would

she would prefer this next one half months one to two months to go like the last one to two months yeah and flirting facetiming in an amazing weekend abroad you're in my eyes incorrect assessment of this is what the whole entire problem with society

seems to be which is you are putting the expectations on her yeah so you're you're like oh this girl wants to date me so I'm going to ignore her meanwhile she is saying I want to be this guy's friend and not keep on fucking him but his his like you want

to be friends with him though because that's like a normal thing to do I don't think girls want to have be friend guys they fucked and gave them great sex I don't think that's true but maybe I'm wrong that's happened once or twice before we really got to get this lady

on the show yeah I want to talk to her this guy yeah and I don't even think it's a secret but I want to know what she thinks I know she's a D&D podcast listener so she'll at the very least want to talk to hard one about it hey maybe we'll do a live

follow-up up with this lady next week really get to the bottom of it love that alright that's what we think we're split we're going to get to the bottom of it either way this relationship is doomed so don't I'm for you ghosting him

really I'm against ghosting again we disagree but that's probably because we disagree about the premise of the question you're for ghosting alright but she's going to see him around brother's best friend yeah and the tension will be real and then that's exactly what you think

she wants and then she gets sex again right yes dude some combination of what Mameer and I said is right almost always find the average alright thanks for writing in the email address for questions and theme songs is if I were you show

at gmail.com we do appreciate it again there's an episode of my basketball podcast buckets where Jake and I discussed the NBA his relationship to it and Jake asked me questions about this upcoming season so if that sounds of interest to you

check that out at head gum as well we'll be back I believe next week same time as always same place Monday y'all oh the closing theme song let me pull it up this is a good one one second yeah of course take your time yeah no yep

whatever you need to do yeah and it's fine and it's good and we won't even edit this out we don't know because we should alright we don't need to as long as you fill up every silence with a little bit of talking and hey how about a song do do do do do do yeah

brachistochrone brachistochrone I don't know if that's his real name or his rap name but he says he's never wrapped a day in his life so he apologizes if your coy little drew ears can't handle it well sir we can handle it and he has something to promote the goddamn city of Detroit

I swear to god if you you won't die if you come here and you can hold me personally accountable we did a show in Detroit once we sure did so I resent the accusation brachistochrone but thanks for writing the seam song let's let them play us out ciao for now

my name it's funny you asked because I have a very ordinary name if I were your show at gmail.com