If I Were You - 35: Weakened Weekend

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

In this episode we stroll down memory lane, define words, and find out who had the better Father's Day.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Second. Another podcast. Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes. Now let's meet your to emphatic home. Say goodbye. The more we do the arms straight up in the air thing, the more I wanna do a live show.

I just wanna come out to the steam sun and hope to God. So it plays. That everyone does this dumb dance. It should play before we come out. Yeah. And then when we come out, we're like this. Right.

We come out right as the arms all go up. Yeah. Amazing. Nobody else is doing it. It'd be amazing if three people were doing it. You and I included. And one person, one fan in the crowd. That's right.

And a bunch of people who are there by accident. Exactly. That's the dream. We're finally back at our remote recording. God, I was so sick of these like in-person awkward, he said, he said bullshit style sessions. I hate seeing you. The energy is weird when we're together.

It's better when there's a little bit of a delay. Do you know what I mean? A little bit of a delay. And then like also our attention is focused on like, is this recording, is this rolling? Like, let our attention is focused on like, is this recording? Is this rolling? Like, let me hit record. Oh shit, did we sync?

Wait, someone's calling me. That messed up the record. Like that, the fucking grassroots. Normally I go and like, do not disturb. But this week I'm just feeling like, I don't mind being disturbed. So I have Slack popping off, texts are going crazy.

I'm refreshing email. I started doing stocks. So I'm like day trading. Someone's at my door, so I have to leave for a second, like one second. So someone's at my door, it's the IRS, because I haven't been taught, like I haven't paid my capital gains, you know?

Yeah, taxes. So I'm gonna get capitally punished for that. Right, you'll get thrown into debtor's prison for that. Yeah. You know, you could extend your tax deadline and just pay in October if you wanted. I found that out recently. Yeah, but you still have to pay something.

Like you don't get to, I don't know. I think I like tried to do this. It's not like you can defer payment till October. It's like you need to pay what you think you owe, and then you can actually do the return. And then we'll figure it out later. They won't ask you for the math. Right, which is, I mean, that's fine,

but it's still not great. I mean, the goat would be to get out of paying them. That'd be incredible, just a straight up no-go situation. Yeah, you know what, sorry government, I just didn't have my shit together this year, so April came and went. I didn't, how about an IOU? IOU say a few thousand bucks.

It's funny, I'm pretty high on the understanding math thing scale, and I'm still just like, when I talk to an accountant, they're like, so yeah, you wanna do the estimated, but make sure that it's offset by this. And like, do you remember how many miles you drove and like what percentage? Because like technically if it's an LLC,

I'm just like, I don't know anything you're saying. See, I think I'm actually- And I'm like a math brain. You're a math brain. Like, so like what happens to people who don't know? Well, I'll tell you the interesting thing. I, as I've gotten, let's say wiser, I feel like I understand taxes a lot more

and I actually think it requires a creative brain. So I have a new found respect for my father. Oh, so it's not math at all. It's, I mean, there's definitely math, but I don't think that's what the hard part of it is. You have to, there's a lot of like rules that have to work together that can help you get out. You have to find those loopholes.

You have to make the system work for you. So it's, I don't know. I think I've gotten better at understanding taxes. I wish we had a normal job where we get one sheet of paper and we're like, here we go, and this is how much you owe, and that's it for taxes this year. Instead we have like a million side gigs. That's what Ted Cruz said,

he wants your tax returns on a postcard, but I'll tell you what, I actually, I like the coverage that I get from the taxes being very complicated. No one wants to go in there, no one wants to check my math, no one wants to find out the truth behind my tiny little lies. They're so complicated that you won't get audited because even the IRS doesn't get your taxes all.

Trump style. Two convoluted. Yeah. I don't necessarily want that, but I think I can see the benefit now of taxes actually, it's good that they're complicated. I can shelter myself in there. I can see the benefit now of taxes. Like taxes actually, it's good that they're complicated. I can shelter myself in there. I can hide among the weeds. Yes, exactly, you can evade in the reeds, yeah, until the IRS listens to this podcast.

And suddenly it's not just a beige flag, but a red flag. Well, I wanna pay my taxes. I wanna pay my fair share. I just wanna get out of them in a way that's fair as well. If the billionaires are doing it, then I should be able to do it as well. Yes, we want the same exact situation as your Gates's, as your Trump's, as your Jobs's.

I recently looked into if I could, like what it would take for me to not have to pay taxes. Like could I just get a condo in the Cayman Islands? Could you just not? Yeah. Yeah. We know about like that, like vaguely like, yeah, I have a shelter in the Cayman Islands,

but like what does that mean? I think you have to have a lot of money to make that work for you. Cause when I looked into it, it was like you have to live outside of of money to make that work for you. Because when I looked into it, it was like, you have to live outside of the U S for 300 days a year. And I was like, well, I don't want to do that. I really hate to be away from everything. I'll pay 30% then.

That's fine. I'll stick around. I actually love the fire department. Okay. I like roads. They're nice. They're nice to drive on. Infrastructure is good. I like roads. They're nice. They're nice to drive on. Infrastructure

is good. Take my cash. I'll give 50% of my paycheck if it means that the public schools around me are decent. Yeah. Speaking of boring weekends, you want it to start, we should say this is the segments podcast, a podcast constantly changing each segment. As we said in the theme song, different from the last, you want to start with a weekend recap. Yes, my segment idea is called, who won the weekend?

Wherein you and I recap our weekends and we decide who had a better weekend? Whose 48 hours were actually sublime and whose were sub prime. That brings you back to the investments you made. Exactly, exactly, right. Which is why I had such a bad weekend. But you also then said that you had a pretty boring weekend.

So it seems like I might just walk away with it. Yeah, my weekend was like watching basketball on Friday, going to a friend's party on Saturday and playing tennis on Sunday. That's a great week. But that sounds lovely. Yeah, it was nice. It was relaxing. It was fine, but nothing super happened. Well, the Friday was great because you're rooting for the Mavs over the Celtics. Let's not talk about how the Celtics eventually won. That was until Monday. That's a different part of the week. Yeah, not my problem. Yeah, we should say this is for June 15th because this is going to come out in two weeks. that was until Monday. That's a different part of the week. Yeah, not my problem.

Yeah, we should say this is for June 15th because this is gonna come out in two weeks. So this is the weekend of June 15th. Yes, exactly. This is Father's Day weekend. So Friday, the team you were rooting for won at a basketball. That's great.

Won a basketball game, watched it at a sports bar, enjoyed it. There were Celtics fans there, so that was a nice thing to see. Sort of disappointed right before again, they did win a championship. But you didn't see them on Monday, so that's fine. No, no.

Saturday was my friend Josh Heller's wife's birthday, which was at a bar in Glendale, went there, ate some food, ate some wings, ate some fries, ate some Brussels sprouts. Nice. Was this like, hold on, hold on. Yeah. I have a question. When you talk about Brussels sprouts and fries,

is this, is it family style or did you sit and enjoy your meal personal pizza pie style? It was family style, but I wasn't about to share with my siblings. Yeah, nice. So like everybody else was doing a family style. So is it like a buffet, it's all at a table, you're being passed.

But they looked at my Brussels sprouts and I would slap their wrist. I would stab their thigh. I would shoe them. I would eat at a different table until I was done. Yes. You're still wearing your Mavericks Jersey from the night before. Yes.

I'm wearing a Maxi Kleber Shirtsey, six sizes too small. No, it was like, it was family style, but I'm not sharing with everyone. I'm sharing with like the people at my table. Okay, nice. Very nice. Yeah. A mini family, a smaller family.

And then, and then there was a tennis, you say, did you win? Yeah, there was some tennis to be out on Sunday, which was fun to have, it was fun to play, it was good. I'm realizing I'm not necessarily getting better unless I take lessons and like practice shots that I don't normally like try to take in these practice sets that I play. So I feel like I've plateaued to the point where,

actually you gave me tennis lessons for my birthday a year and a half ago. And I never set a time with this guy. So maybe I can reach out to him finally. And so you know what, I'm ready to pull the trigger. Until then I think he has just run away with my money. Unless I just made the introduction and I was gonna give him the money

when you scheduled the lesson and I haven't given him any money I'll have to look at my so you didn't give me a gift Well, I did not give me I did I gave you the guarantee I did I locked me I gave you the access you gave me a bill that was to be paid in kind in good faith You wrote that off as a tax write-off. It was a loss in good faith. You wrote that off as a tax write off. It was a loss. That was never a bill paid. That was. It was not money in and it was not money out. It was not life. Because it was an opportunity cost. I didn't invest that money, which could have grown. So that is a loss. It was a depreciating asset. That's right. Because that guy's now worse at tennis. And the inflation means that your gift in 2023

was actually worth less than it is now. You owe me slash Uncle Sam $154 per hour. Not 150 anymore. Okay, fine, fine, or what? Windbreakers? We got him. Here he is. He's $700 shy kicking the door.

Okay. So, but you didn't play tennis with a instructor this weekend. That was just with somebody. Yeah, with a friend who's equally bad. So we had fun, but we weren't necessarily good at tennis. Well, that's kind of nice that you had the realization that you need to to level up to take a click. Yes exactly. And you think you'll do that? No probably not because that requires effort,

it requires finding an extra hour to play and an extra time and then I'm like you know actually like being put my my feet to the fire where like he's giving me instructions and I play like not necessarily the way I want to play, which is constantly slicing things back with trick shots. Yeah. Yeah. He's going to teach me how to hit a top spin forehand. Get the racket back. It's going to require getting worse before it gets better.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want a trainer. I just, just throw me into a gym. I just like beating my pal. Let me keep on doing that. Exactly. Yes. Don't make me work for it.

Okay. So my weekend, let me tell you everything. It started with a curve ball. Would you like to hear about it? Actually, we're probably out of time. Okay, so we'll just say that I won it. We'll do it. And let's go back to taxes.

So your 540 EST, the second quarterly payment just came up. I'm curious what you did, re-California, re-fed. You had a refund in 2022 and it was paid forward. Estimated, downpaid. Let me see your franchise tax board. Go to ftv.com. Yeah, that's the best part. It's like every six months I get a letter from whatever,

New York, oh, the LLC you created 11 years ago, you owe us, I don't know, $790. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I don't know. Do I have to fucking look this up or can I write you a check? And then we talk to our accountant and she's like, no, I think you guys paid that.

So then I have to call Sacramento for nine weeks because they don't answer the phone. You get like- And at that point it's delayed and you owe a penalty. Right, then you get another one. I remember, I think it was two years ago, I like, it was so many weeks, I couldn't talk to anyone. Eventually I had to like, I got through to someone

who wasn't in the right department, but I was like, please don't hang up. And they gave me a fax number. This is 2022, I faxed. I had to print something out at my parents' house and have my dad fax it from work. It was insane. This is why I often blindly pay things

so I don't have to deal with fax machines. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. Okay, so we were, yeah, Jill and I are invited to a wedding for her family friend. Whoa. Yeah. Curveball. Yeah, this wedding is in San Francisco,

actually in Sonoma, so we're gonna fly to San Francisco. Six months ago, we gamed this whole thing out because we're like, okay, well, we wanna go to this wedding, we don't have somebody to babysit Gemma while we're there. Jill's parents are also invited, so we couldn't go with them and have them watch her. We didn't want to like, I don't think we had a nanny

at the time, but we also don't want to like fly her across the country just to have her babysit. So my parents have a friend in Palo Alto. They're going to go and visit them. So I'm like, okay, this is perfect. You guys come to Sonoma for the weekend. We'll all spend the weekend together. The in-laws, my parents, Jill, Gemma, they can watch Gemma while we go to the wedding. Everything is perfect. We book an Airbnb for

all of us. I rent the car. I have, it's a black tie wedding. I've got the tux, Jill gets a dress, she gets it altered. Friday. This is all for last weekend. Yeah, this is all for, Sam. Sammy has COVID. Oh no. Yeah, and sort of like, okay, my mom, she's like, I feel fine, should I go? And we're like, no, because you'll probably have it by the time we're, and then we're just bringing it to the wedding.

So we're like, you guys don't, like just don't even worry about coming. My dad's fine, everything is good. And then we're like, Jill and I are talking like, okay, so I think we texted like some friends that we knew in San Francisco, texted my cousin, see who's if anybody's around or has knows a babysitter, I almost texted your brother and was like, who do you use for a babysitter? Would they drive an hour to Sonoma and watch my kid for this? Well, I'm at this wedding, but then we're like,

we don't want to find a brand new sitter and have them like put our daughter to bed, you know? Yeah, unless they're an expert babysitter, where they know better than you about any baby. Right, and when it comes, and now she's like 13 months, her bedtime routine is so specific to us that like it would just be miserable to put it on the screen.

You really have to sing this song or she won't go down. Right, so you read Mommy's are amazing twice, then she'll say Mo, Mo and that means moon. She wants to read good night moon. Okay. And then you read it just until she shuts it and she's tired and then she's going to go to bed. And then, yeah. Do you know how to say cat?

It's Mau Mau. You're going to have to, when you get to the page with the cat. So yeah, do you know how to say cat? It's meow, meow. You're gonna have to, when you get to the page with the cat, so yeah, not. Would Gemma be like, this isn't my parents, I'm not going to bed, or you think she'd be like, whatever, this is fine, I'm sleepy anyway?

She would be, she would be stressed. She would be like, this is, this is different. She would, she wouldn't really be thinking about me. She would be saying mama over and over. She's like, where the fuck is Jillian? Because she says where the fuck is Jillian. There's a trap. When I put her to bed.

So if it's a total stranger, absolutely fucked. They have no chance. No. So then we're like, all right, well, we're all gonna go and just, I won't go to the wedding because these are family friends of Jill and her parents. I'm just gonna, I'll go and I'll babysit Gemma. You're gonna be the babysitter.

Yeah, and then we're like packing. It's like 9 p.m., we're leaving at 9 a.m. the next day. And Jill is like, wait, why are you, like why are we even gonna make you fly across the country with Gemma just so you can babysitter while I go to a wedding. I'm like, oh yeah. Yeah, that was my first question.

Right, and we just were so like on autopilot, like we're going to California. So then we're like, okay, you're staying here with Gemma, Jill's gonna go to this wedding. And then Jill starts like packing all of the snacks for me to feed Gemma all weekend. She starts like overthinking like Gemma's schedule. She's like, all right, this is what you're gonna do.

This is what you're gonna do. And she's gonna be sad. She's gonna ask for this and whatever. And then it's like 11 p.m. And I'm like, if you're gonna be stressed and miserable all weekend, why don't you not go? Because- And I'll go to the wedding.

No one day in with Gemma. We had these like perfect conditions to go to the wedding. No one's dating with Jemma. We had these like perfect conditions to go to California and now it's all fucked. Why are we still trying to do it? We have a great excuse. So your dad getting COVID, which was half of a babysitter

for like just four hours of the entire weekend. Yeah. Threw everything off to the point where- It was so flimsy. Your mom's not going, he's not going, you're not going, Jill's not going, Jim is not going. Five people. It was a house of cards.

And now nobody, and now only Jill's parents are going to a four bedroom Airbnb in Sonoma, which they texted and they're like, it's lovely. What do you tell the wedding person who's getting married? Hey, sorry, Jake's dad has COVID, so we're not coming. I think we had dinner with them in the last few months, so they knew how, like, you know, flimsy this whole plan was. Touch and go. Right. Or like, they knew how much we had put together to make it happen. So I think when we

said that, you know, Jill sent a long text explaining everything and also saying sorry and wishing them the best and whatever, and we're gonna see them soon. And I mean, when you have a wedding, it looked like it was gorgeous. So you have a million other things happening when you get a text from- They didn't care that much.

They're like, oh, whatever. But I mean, they were very friendly. But yeah, I don't think it affected them. They were understanding. Yeah, yeah, they got it. They got it. And then it was just weird. We like had this kind of like borrowed time weekend

and it was great. Well, it was Father's Day. Technically your second Father's Day. Yeah, Father's Day number two. Let's see, What have I went surfing, Jill, Jill, let me have the morning to go surfing with Micah. I came back, she made breakfast. And then, and then we went, oh, yeah, then we went to then we walked to the park, Gemma's obsessed with water. So we like went to the

fountains at Domino Park. and I ran through the water with her. And then- Are you relieved that the wedding didn't happen? I was like, no, I was like sad cause we were looking forward to it. And it was like, we never like dress up or anything. And like, Jill got a great dress and I was like gonna wear my tux

that I got for Carnegie Hall. So I was like kind of excited and also would have been really nice to be in California with my parents but I guess like it was really cute that you guys like still dressed up on that Saturday yeah we guys like made like a wedding at home style dinner where it's like let me cookie dinner and like you dress in the dress too crazy two crazy things about it like or actually one crazy thing about it. But first of all, to answer your question, I think as soon as my parents got taken out of the equation

and the weekend was gonna be really hard, then I was happy that we made the decision to make it easy. I wasn't like. Yeah. So I was like sad that we missed the wedding, but I was happy that we didn't overextend. And also us canceling meant that we were around on Friday night, which was Amanda Ferry's wedding.

So we were able to last minute go to that. So we got a wedding. We went to a wedding. Yeah. The wedding was always gonna happen. Whether it was gonna be here or there. Yeah. So that was perfect.

Awesome, I think I won. Really? Yeah, because I didn't have the COVID scare, the tuxedo rental issue. That wasn't a rental on purchase. And then the park thing seemed kind of. The park was really nice. Boring.

Yeah. Way better to play tennis. I know she likes. Yeah, she likes water, but I like tennis. She likes water, but that's fine. And I like totals. I feel like that's a wash. Yeah.

So overall. We'll call it a draw. We'll call it a draw. Yeah. The We Cap Recap. Nice, nice. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Very much, thank you. Jake, you've to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Very much, thank you. Jake, you've used Squarespace before? Yeah, many times actually. Several websites of mine. Businesses, online ventures, weddings that you've had, weddings that you've attended. Yes, personal portfolios even. Absolutely. Oh, on Squarespace.

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Amazing. Actually, anything and then add the number one to it. Google One. Hope there's a sequel. Yeah. Yeah, Google One is taken, of course. For sure, for sure. That makes sense.

Right on. I was gonna say Visor Men. Visor Men. Yeah, it's like a cool band. That's awesome, are they willing to sponsor my band, Time Dog? Probably, right? Yeah, they're going on tour together.

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Thanks. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you again to Squarespace. Thanks. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you big time. We're not talking about spending money, we're talking about saving money. That's right, which is almost the same as earning money. Yes, I mean, there's literally no difference

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Start saving more cash now. Okay. LOSERS All right, we're back. Yes, yes. This is a game we played. I don't remember what we called it, but it was me showing you old photos of you

and you had to guess where you were and what date it was taken. That's right, that's right. And I think I might not know the dates for all of these, but you can just kind of guess where they were. And I vaguely remember the dates. You have like a photographic memory about this kind of stuff that I do not have.

Like you remember haircuts and shirts you had in specific episode and all this stuff. Yeah, I'm a visual learner. Yes, exactly. And I'm strictly mustache based, which is why when I see this first photo of me, I know that it's from my hashtag mustache era. Yeah. You didn't have many different eras for your looks. I don't think you changed them up as much as I did,

but you did have one distinct mustache era. Yes. And it was in 2015? And I think this photo is from Berlin. Ding, ding, ding. The Croix boys. The Croix boys, yes. We had you, your brother, Pat Castles, and Marty and me

went to Berlin and stayed in Croisburg. We called ourselves the Crois boys. Yeah. Yeah, we had a great time. Didn't we? There was a DJ. What do you remember most? God, well, I remember there was a place,

I think it was called White Trash Fast Food maybe. Yeah. It was called White Trash. An American restaurant in Berlin. Yeah. It was White Trash Fast Food. And we heard that it was good. We ate there the first night.

I think we like met the owner and we loved it. We loved her and I think we went back like three times unless we went back just the second time. I also remember we watched Edge of Tomorrow twice because it's kind of a great movie to watch when you're hungover. Yeah. I remember our schedule was that

where we would go out at like midnight or one, like very European style, to the point where it was eight or nine PM, the sun set, we were after lunch, at home chilling, we were watching a movie, but the goal was to take a nap then and then go out later. I'm like, this doesn't feel healthy. This is not how bodies should go. We should be watching this movie,

falling asleep for the night, but we would watch the movie, take a nap after it had already been dark so that we can go out at midnight. Yeah, this was, it also resulted in us, I think this is like the only night we hung out with Pat. Like he- Yeah, cause he was not on that crazy schedule. He kept a normal schedule.

We kind of like slept and laid around all day. Sometimes we went to a museum, but then like, we were mostly active from like 10, 10 PM of like slept and laid around all day. Sometimes we went to a museum, but then like we would, we were mostly active from like 10, 10 PM to 6 AM. We were nocturnal. There was also a morning where we couldn't reach Pat. We went to a museum and we were like, did he get abducted on his way back to his Airbnb? Like we haven't heard from him last night or into this morning. And now it's like 2 PM. and he had like, I guess, had jet lag and slept for like 16 hours or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we didn't get to see him a ton. I also remember the first night we were there, we were like, all right, let's take it easy, let's just, yeah, I think it was like a Tuesday or something. Like, we'll just go see what this bar is all about. And we like walked into a club that was like half indoor, half outdoor., it was not very busy at all.

And the bouncer just wouldn't let us in, and we laughed, because we thought he was making a joke, when you're the first person in the bar and he says it's full. But he genuinely didn't let us in. We're like, wow, is this gonna be hard to party? But we eventually, I forget the name of the- Are we too American?

We found this awesome DJ that we loved and we just kind of looked where he was going every, he played like mid-2000s hip hop, which is all we wanted to do. Yeah. Yeah, this was also the trip where I couldn't get into Berghain, which was a famous club in Berlin.

That's right. We also saw a football match, which I think I probably would have appreciated so much more like now. I don't even know who we saw play. It was like a FC Berlin or some like random German Bundesliga team. Yeah. All right. Let's see the next picture. That is from, I'm standing next to a naked person that you cut out, right? Or at least a dummy. Is this from the AMPM Tumges shoot?

Too much good stuff. That's correct. Yes. This is one of our last branded content deals at CollegeHumor. It was me and you doing AMPM sponsored content. That was very ill-advised. I hardly remember what the theme was. I do remember they were launching a mascot named Tumges, which stood for TMGS, AKA Too Much Good Stuff. Yeah. The only thing I remember from this is that like the copy was so like it was,

I remember from this is that like the copy was so like it was it was like it was like an AI wrote in our voice except like a little dumber it was so yeah it was yeah it was halfway us and like halfway just incredibly branded and also just like seemingly a little bit lazy like the first idea was just what happens sometimes where it's like, oh yeah, we got like, our ad copywriter is a huge fan and he wrote in your voices and we sold it. And we're like, oh, awesome. Yeah. Like, yeah, and this one, Amir stands next to a naked cutout

of himself and Jake says, what the hell is wrong with you, bro? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Can I have $8,000 for today yet? Yeah, it was, I guess it was just like a lack of, there was no subversion.

I feel like what Jake and Amir did was like, we made, we took that and then tried to subvert it in our own way. And in the branded stuff, it was just like, no. Cause you had to, the only way you could subvert it was by adding Tumgis. You, it needed to be surfaced. The most like funny slash soul crushing part

is when like the clients were on set and like we would do something terrible and they're like, that was really good. We really liked that. Yeah, you said two gifs. The client loved it. Yeah, they're going crazy in video village. All right, whatever.

Okay, next photo. It's not working. Oh, this was also around 2015. I think this is also. Oh yeah, yeah, definitely. Berlin 2014, this is 2015. All right, next photo. Ooh, this is one I don't recognize.

That's a, oh, that's a leg. There's, I'm holding a leg. Am I, I wonder, am I giving someone a piggyback ride? This looks like when we first moved to LA. And is that a leg or a hand? Such a thick hairy love. I was really proud of this crop. I look like a little Gaelian boy.

Is this filtered at all? No, but I think just the angle of your face, you're like leaning forward a little bit. You look so tiny and young. I look like Theodore Leslie. You look kind of hot. You look good. Again, LA, I would guess that,

for whatever reason, I think that arm belongs to John Carlo. And I don't know why, but that's what I'll say sometime in LA, sometime in 2015, and sometimes with John Carlo. But maybe that's not his leg or arm. 2015 is correct. The arm is incorrect. It is a leg. And it is not in LA. It's in Australia. Yes, this makes more sense. This is the free shit men. That is the foot of Josh Lefferts who got a tattoo of your face on stage live in Brisbane?

You would think this would be a more seminal moment in my life, some guy got a tattoo of my face on his foot and this is a picture of me like, I don't really remember. Yeah. I also remember me is a picture of me like, I don't really remember. Yeah. I also remember me having a long beard in Australia, but maybe I shaved it off at one point. That was the second time. That was the second time.

Got it. Yeah. Got it. All right. Yeah, this is, we went on tour with these two Australian comedians called the Free Shit Men who were fucking insane party animals and they would do insane stuff on stage.

Like for example, get tattoos as they called it. Yeah, my on Steve, the other member of the free shit man is a tattoo of my face. I believe it's on his quad. And he was the more normal one. I love Steve. Yeah. Next photo.

This looks like a still slash maybe a picture you took on set of one of the lonely and horny episodes. That's the house. Great. From lonely and horny. Great guess. You'd recognize that wallpaper anywhere. That is Ruby Jade's bedroom in lonely and horny,

which I believe I said this on pod, but I recognized a porn one time that I saw like on X videos, just a full on porn being shot in this exact room. It's a photogenic house. And I also, when Matt Rife comedian, like TikTok comedian, Matt Rife announced his tour, he did like a video with him and Ashton Kutcher.

And it was also at this house. You can see that on Instagram. It's like him doing a lap in the pool where we shot. That's amazing. We should have had Ruby Jade in the background. Great house, house in Studio City that I guess anybody can rent out and shoot whatever they want.

Doesn't matter. Okay. These are all from like the same year basically. I'm always wearing those same glasses. Yeah. Let's see if we can jump ahead in time with the next photo. This is cold. This is either Canada or Iceland.

Pharmacy, interesting. English pharmacy. I feel like I'm playing that GeoGuessr game. That's right. All right, you could see the trees in the background. Those are Evergreen, that's Vermont. Yeah. This architecture, the wood paneling above the pharmacy.

Oh, this little boy wearing yellow rain boots. Even though it says pharmacy, I'll guess Iceland and your bachelor party. That is actually not even close. It's so far away. This is New Zealand. This is- I see.

Arrowtown. It was cold. It was cold because we went there in, I think it was June or July of 2016. Dead of their winter. Yeah, of 2016, right? Wait, what town. Yeah. 26 of 2016. Right. Wait, what town? I believe it was called Arrow Town.

It was like where they shot the opening of Lord of the Rings. Is this right before we took the helicopter trip? Exactly. We we took the helicopter trip trip like 15 minutes from here. This was a crazy trip because it was a it was a podcast branded sponsorship that our friend

sold to like Marty and it's like, well, Jake and Amir go on vacation with me. Yeah. The lady that sold this thing and we'll just take videos and pictures and stuff. We're like, okay, sure. We'll take a free trip to New Zealand. Yeah. It was for New Zealand Air or something. Yeah, Air New Zealand. We went, do you remember we went to like the Air New Zealand headquarters, like near LAX. I think it was a, it was either a picture of pre-production. Yeah. And they're like, okay, all you have to do is like take photos, make Snapchat. That was like what the whole trip was.

It's like when you're there, post on Snapchat, post on, I think we did a Facebook live or posted a video on Facebook. It's just like social posts when they meant so little. It was the dead of their winter. Oh yeah, they were debuting a new style of chair on their flights that allowed you to like turn your three seats of coach into a bed. It was called the sky couch.

Sky couch. I wonder if they still do that. I think I looked at it recently, but yeah, it was like you would just get a whole row of three seats and like the legs on them came up and you basically turned it into a bed. And I remember they offered, they were like, you can fly down on the sky couch or you can fly down in business, you can't fly down in first class. And we're like, okay, so the full lie down, the full lie down seat was off the table

and business was just like a pretty good recline or the sky couch, which was full lie down. And we didn't trust it. You know what? No, we did business. We're not doing the sky couch. Yeah. And then once we got to New Zealand,

they brought us to the Air New Zealand corporate office where they let us shoot content on the sky couch. They let us test it out in their office. And it was awesome. It was really comfortable. And we were like, we should have done this. I wonder if they kept that, yeah. I kind of doubt it.

Cause like at a certain point they're just like, no, we can get more money for three seats. Like, but who knows? This is also when we did the world's longest bungee. Or not, not bungee. Yeah, the world's tallest swing. It was the world's tallest bungee. But we were afraid.

But then we did the world's tallest swing. Yeah, yeah. Cause we were too afraid to do the bungee. Yeah, exactly. We're like, was the world's tallest bungee. But then we did the world's tallest swing. Yeah, yeah. Because we were too afraid to do the bungee. Yeah, exactly. We're like, we're not doing the bungee. But they're fucking crazy at that swing. They're like, well, we can do you upside down or like you guys can 69 or we can put a bag over your head

and kick you off like a chair. We're like, ah, just regular I guess. It's already the world's largest swing. I don't need an extra little bit of thrill. I do remember what he said. So we got strapped into the swing. We didn't even wanna go. We were strapped into the swing.

As soon as we like get our legs hanging over, just air below us, he was like, so you guys like pranks, right? And I was like, no, that's not me. That's another guy. I'm not the prank guy. Oh yeah, they keep doing fake outs like three, two, one. Nah, just kidding.

Yeah. And then it would just drop you. I think that's what they, there's like three and then he dropped us. It was a very like visceral memory that I'll never forget. This world's largest swing. I remember being kind of sick

and it just completely erased all of that. Yeah, yeah. It was so, they were just, all I remember is just like the sound. Like you just hear air going by you. You're falling so fast. I mean, you're over a gorge and they just drop you. It feels, it's the equivalent of like convincing your brain

and body you're about to die. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But it was awesome. I mean, once we were done, I'm glad, I don't think I could have done The thing is with bungee jumping they make you have to jump yourself. The swing was At least we could do it because we had no control It was like you get strapped in when you're standing on solid ground. They put you in a diaper Yeah, but like if they just tied a bun bungee cord around my feet and they're like, all right dive

Remember to dive headfirst. I think I literally can't around my feet and they're like, all right, dive, remember to dive head first. I'd be like, I literally can't will my body to do that. It wants to live too much. And you know, it also, like the trip was like borderline ruined because we were doing this swing at the end and the entire time there was like a debate about are we gonna bungee or will we swing? Cause the bungee is cooler but scarier,

the swing is safer but a little lamer. And we're like, we should bungee, we should bungee. No, we should swing, I'm too afraid to bungee. And it was just like, it was hanging over us the entire time. And it was also such a part of the- And then you take this bus up a fucking mountain, you're like, it's like the part of a roller coaster you're going up, you're like, this is too much tension,

I can't handle it, get me out of here. And then I think that maybe that's when we decided to do the swing, which means we're deciding up until the last possible second. All right, so good trip, next photo. Do you remember the name of the swing real quick? God, no, just the world's largest swing, Queenstown, New Zealand, do you remember?

I believe it's the Nevis, N-E-V-I-S, Nevis swing. Nevis. This was my favorite shirt. I remember, it was a great shirt. And I don't know what happened to it. I wore it sometimes. It was a great shirt. This is in New Orleans or Vegas.

It was a fun trip and I can't tell if it was New Orleans or Vegas? It was a fun trip and I can't tell if it was New Orleans or Vegas, but it was, I'll say my 30th birthday in Vegas, even though it might be the road trip with John and Giancarlo in New Orleans. This was New Orleans, the road trip with John and Giancarlo. That's me standing next to a horse cop.

Yes, you and a horse cop. And I think it actually might not have been the road trip. I think this might've been John Carlo's bachelor party. Wow, I remember that. It was a very fun weekend, but it was the hottest I have ever been in my entire life. Yeah, yeah. It was like 100 degrees at night level humidity.

Yeah, yeah. Where like during the day in the sun, it would literally burn and melt you. Like we couldn't even be outside. Yeah, yeah. We're like during the day in the sun, it would literally burn and melt you. Like we couldn't even be outside. Yeah, yeah, so hot, so humid, just like walking anywhere hung over. It was insanely hot. But good old time, good old time.

Shout out to John Grimm editing this because he was there. Man of the match for me actually. All right, next photo. Oh, I know this one. This is in Dublin, me, you and Ben on some sort of ship. Good, very good. Do you remember who took it? Yeah, Jesse, I think.

That's correct, Jesse Aaron. Last photo. This might be Kiyobi. Wow. This is me. Is this the second Australia? Cause I got a long beard going on. That's correct.

Yes, me and Streeter in Australia. Australia was fun. Australia was great. And I also like totally had forgotten that we went to New Zealand a second time, me, you and Streeter. And I remember we tried to do all of the stuff that we did during our all-expense paid trip to New Zealand

and we realized it was insanely expensive. We're like, oh yeah. The helicopter's $3,000. We'll do the helicopter. And then we saw the prices. We're like, oh, oh geez, we can't do that. Should we go on the swing? Oh God, that's pretty expensive.

We're just gonna- Let's just get an Airbnb. Yeah, we're gonna get an Airbnb and drink at the hostel. Didn't we go to New Zealand because we were gonna go somewhere else, but there was a hurricane or something? Yeah, we were planning on going to Byron Bay in Australia after our Australia tour.

And then it was like monsoon or wet season. It was just like a week straight of storms. And we're like, we should pivot. And we went to New Zealand instead. Yeah, on a whim. No regrets. It was awesome. We had that sick Airbnb over the lake.

We like got whiskey and cigars and just sat in the hot tub. Even though we weren't rich, we acted like we were the richest we've ever been. Even though we couldn't afford a helicopter tour, we acted like we were the richest we've ever been. Even though we couldn't afford a helicopter tour, we acted like we could. Cause we split the Airbnb three ways until it became affordable. And it was a tax write off. You have to know that it was an expense.

We can still be audited for that trip. That's how fucked up this is. All right. That was a fun trip down memory lane. Very nice. That was us all over the world. We were globetrotting. What haven't we seen, man?

You think we'll ever think we'll ever travel again, or that's, um, sort of a woe begun time where kids with kids. And yeah, I mean, now that you have our own lives, it feels like it's a situation where- Well, you could come, next time Jill and I are invited to a wedding, you can come and be the babysitter. I'm not good with kids. You know, I'm not good with babies.

They all detest me. I release a pheromone that sort of pisses them off. Gemma does kind of low key hate your ass. I've never met a baby that didn't bite my nose. You know that like got your nose game? That's them to me. They bit my nose, all of them. Yeah.

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So if all this stuff sounds interesting to you, check them out at schedule35.co.co. Correct. Thank you, schedule 35. Thank you. All right. Um, one last segment. Okay. This is, uh, it's actually good.

We don't have a lot of time. It's a shorty. It's a shorty. It, one last segment. Okay. This is a, it's actually good. We don't have a lot of time. It's a shorty, a good one to end on. It's a, it's a tag. It's a, it's a fourth act. It's a, it's a half baked one. Okay. That might steal the show or might be a nothing burger. It was an idea I had.

Yes, exactly. It was an idea I had when I'm like, when I was thinking, um, there are certain words and phrases that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of and I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um,

that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um, that I'm thinking of, um an idea I had. Yes, exactly. It was an idea I had when I'm like, when I was thinking, um, there are certain words and phrases that I probably either don't know or don't know how to define, even though they're normal words that I hear all the time. So I said, Oh, maybe this is a good segment. I'll give Jake words and see if he can define them. Words that you probably have heard a lot before. But you've never really stopped to

think, what does that mean exactly? Either that or these are words that you definitely know the answer to. Okay, ready? First one. Jake, I want you to define nougat, noun, etymology, Latin derived from... Etymology, candy. Yeah, nougat, of course. I guess it's, my mouth's getting dry. I guess it's in three musketeers. So it's kind of like, it's like a mousse. It's like a caramel.

It's like, oh, let's call it a mousse. Let's call it, yeah, it's a mousse. So a nougat for you is like a mousse. A malted mousse. Yeah. Yeah, close. It's a family of conf A malted mousse, yeah. Yeah, close. It's a family of confections made with sugar or honey. So it's usually this hardened log of whatever.

And then there's sometimes roasted nuts, whipped egg whites, and sometimes chopped candied fruit. Sounds delicious, three musketeers style. Okay, so that's the level we're talking. All right, yeah, give me another. Yeah, here's another one that's more of a phrase that I sort of always brushed to the side of my brain, but recently learned what it meant.

Okay. Come to Jesus moment. What's a come to Jesus moment? Come to Jesus. I guess it's like, it's a profound realization, like the equivalent of like, that's when I found Jesus, that's when my life drastically changed when I realized this thing.

That's correct, it's a moment of sudden realization or comprehension. Yes, yes. And what about a come on Jesus moment? I would give you Faustian bargain. Come on Jesus. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. Got it. I was saying I would give you Faustian bargain, come on Jesus. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Got it. I was saying I would give you Faustian bargain, but that's something we've figured out on the podcast together. Yeah, I genuinely did forget what it was. Faustian bargain. Yeah, I can't remember. That one was like a deal with the devil

or you sell your soul for something. Okay, yeah, yeah. And come on Jesus, you mean like actual semen or like come on Jesus, let's go. Yeah. Like a moment where like you're telling your friend to get out of here. Yeah, no, Jesus is late for,

he's gonna shoot a bukkake porn. God. Existential. Existential. A threat to your existence. That's correct, concerned with existence. Okay, okay. An existential threat. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

All right, I got two more. Leverage. Leverage, that is your bargaining power. Your leverage is how you, what lever you can pull, what kind of force you can exert, and when you have leverage, it means you have more pull, more torque, et cetera, et cetera. And that is correct for half of it.

Do you know the business definition where they're like, you're over leveraged or you're under leveraged or how much leverage this company has? Oh, I guess no, but maybe, let me venture a guess. You're over leveraged means you've borrowed more money than you can pay back. Yeah, kind of, it's the amount of debt that you have to the value of equity of the company. Right on, right on.

So if you keep borrowing money, like Netflix was where it's like, let me borrow money and not make a profit over and over and over. Yeah, yeah, because the value of our business is growing and that's right off. Correct. And lastly, but probably leastly, kaleidoscope.

Kaleidoscope. Kalei, kalei, what is kalei? I mean, we know what a kaleidoscope is. It's- Yeah, how would you define it? I guess a lot of refracting lenses that make a magical image when you put your eye to the whole final answer?

Yeah, I guess it's sort of, yeah, it's a tube containing mirrors. It's always a tube. A tube. Yeah, yes, it's always a two, a mirrors in a tube is a collidus. Right, mirrors in a tube. Are those still popular amongst babies?

Those are a big thing when I was growing up, the tubes and the mirrors and the refractions and the prisms. We might get there. We might get there. I don't think that Gemma has the patience for something like that yet, but I think it's probably close. Yeah, because right now anything is exciting for her. It doesn't have to be like a tube of mirrors, just like, you know, you're 13 months, like a fucking giraffe on a stick is

the most amazing thing in the world. Yeah, I mean, the most the most exciting thing in her life right now is the vacuum cleaner. So that's, that's where we're at. But we'll we'll get past that. And then she'll be peering in the hose, I'm sure. You should sit her on a Roomba for her birthday. That's a good idea. That's a great idea. Imagine that come to Jesus moment for her

when you can combine a vacuum cleaner and Gemma into one sort of bot. Yeah, it would be as sweet as Nuget on the day. All right, you sort of knew all those ones, but I was hoping that they'd be a little bit harder to define that. I didn't really know Nuget. Maybe I'll keep thinking about that plan.

Yeah, I like the game. Nuget was a guess? Yeah, definitely. I didn't really get it, I don't think. I said a moose. Yeah. And I met the animal. Yeah, moose is correct.

Yeah, wow, you're way off. It was between deer or moose. Yeah. And I met the animal. Yeah, moose is correct. Yeah. Wow, you're way off. It was between deer or moose. Thank God I said moose. So you really got lucky. Yeah. Yeah. You got insanely lucky. Yeah.

Okay, all right. Half-baked idea at the end there. All right. Love it. All right. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. These are always on YouTube if you wanna view us. That's right on YouTube. If you want to view us, that's right. Being silly in addition to listen to us. That's true.

But thank you either way. Uh, and you can watch more of us on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. Ja, folks. How about that? How about it? We're watching, uh, Jake and Amir videos. Sometimes we're even writing Jake and Amir videos. That's true.

Brainstorming new ideas, writing new scrolls. So you can check out all those videos. There's hundreds now at patreon.com slash J.A. Give someone in your life a 4th of July gift that they won't forget. Yeah, definitely. But if you keep wanting that free content, we'll be back, of course, every Monday until we turn 100. Can't wait. Bye, everybody. Bye. That was a Hidgum Original.