If I Were You - 351: Flaming Sock

Episode Date: October 8, 2018

In this episode we discuss crying, glasses, meeting Michael Chiklis, and Lonely and Horny Season 2, coming soon to CollegeHumor's DropOut!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Whoa, rock and roll. Yeah, baby. That is an early Beatles rendition of the original theme song that we had. Or is it the Stoney theme song that he made? It's, yeah. Or is it the one that you did on a guitar? I don't think if mine was just, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you,

if I were you, the show starts now. Yeah. So I don't think that was me, right? So this one, if I were, it seems. Yeah, that's Stoney. That's the Stoney. All right. So that's an early Beatles rendition of that theme song written by Rajat.

Rajat. R-A-G. Sorry. R-A-J. Sorry. R-E-F-F. Nope, not a letter. F-I-R-I-4.

And then a smiley face. That's his name. 9.MP3. You forgot how to read. Sorry. Rajat. R-A-J-A-T. Thanks for Jot.

Thanks to you guys for listening. This is episode 351 of our podcast. Damn. 351 divided into roughly 50 a year. We've been doing this show for seven years, six years now? No. Are you, I guess there's bonus episodes sprinkled throughout. But we've definitely passed our five year anniversary.

We're like at five and a half years. Yeah. That's crazy. I guess for whatever reason, five years feels normal. And then saying that we've been doing it for six feels like a lot. I don't know why. Because we are counting down the days until we no longer are going to do this podcast, which will be the six year anniversary show.

Wow. Our last show ever. That's news to me. I didn't realize. I didn't, I don't even want to do it anymore. That was the plan. It was exciting to say. And now that I did it, I'm afraid that I don't want to do it anymore.

That you don't want to not do the show anymore. You don't want to end the podcast. Yeah. I don't want to have the podcast. I want to have it. And I'm kind of freaking out because I put it out in the universe. And now I think like a tragedy will strike or befall one of us. It's sort of like when a couple of jokes about breaking up and then someone starts crying.

It's like, yeah, we should break up. We really think so. I haven't cried like at a rage in like a week. That's like, I have never been so pissed that I like punched a wall and cried and was like scream crying and like probably a week. That's pretty recent. I've never like yelled at someone at the top of my lungs and was crying and like sobbing, like uncontrollable, drooling crying, punching, screaming, yelling, rain on me, like getting

stronger and sadder and angrier. My horse voice growing course noises in a week. Why? So just out of curiosity, before last week when you seemingly had one of the biggest breakdowns of your life, what was the last time you scream cried before that? So if last one- I'm trying to deduce if you had one big episode. Right.

No, I get that. Yeah. And maybe like a few days before that was like the kind of cry where you were like scream crying, but also like bleeding a little bit. Like bleeding like someone cut you or that blood was coming out of your nose or ears. Blood and tears. Yeah. Blood, drool.

Yeah, snot. Oh, a lot of snot. Just like spitting by. All of it. Yeah, like coming out of me at the same time. Ripping out chunks of your hair. Yeah, like burning in my throat. No tears left.

Yeah. Why? Why? Yeah. And then before that, which was sounds like a week and a half ago. Yeah. Before that was my big breakdown. Like three hours before that.

That was like when it really went wrong for me. Frankly, I'm surprised you're not hospitalized. Yeah, that was like, that was when I was like the screaming, the crying, the snot, the bleeding, the burning. If I could ask what, like what prompted that? Was it like a bad breakup? No, it wasn't. I don't even remember.

Like it was such a gross overreaction. I've probably like stubbed my toe or something. Jesus. Yeah. It is a gross overreaction. But that was like sad to share this stuff. We have like a large audience. Yeah.

And they hear that. And they hear that. And they like it. And they think that they don't like it. They think that I'm smart. They think that I'm smart. No. Why would, what makes you smart about crying, crying louder than you've ever cried because

you stubbed your toe? Because. What about that as smart? Because maybe you say that people think you're passionate. Yeah. Passionate or intelligent. But that's smart. Not intelligent.

Like you hear someone talk about Barack Obama and he's like, he's so passionate. He's so intelligent. He's so powerful. And it's probably because he does shit like I do, which is like. He never, ever. The mucus. No. He doesn't do a mucus cry.

And the bile. That's. No, that's not Barack Obama. And like. Like how would you describe? Stop. Don't try to draw a comparison between you and Obama at all. In a way.

In a way. In a way. In a way. I'm not. I'm not trying to cut you off. Like in a way. I feel like you're doing it on purpose because I'm saying things you don't want to hear. Sort of.

The Martin Luther King or whatever. Oh my God. Obviously not as important. You should not have it cut me off to compare yourself to Martin Luther King. No, not to compare myself to, but like someone that he would have. Like I would be someone that he would have looked up to is what I'm saying. Not like. So you're not even comparing yourself to him.

You're. I am equal to or greater than. That's what you're saying. Yeah. Then like this. This sort of mythical hero. You are a microscopic petty little inch worm. Okay.

That's what you are. Okay. You're a spineless amoeba. You're a cancer. You're a drain. I'm actually a Capricorn. No, but I am angry and alone often. And here comes the crying.

Here comes the screaming. And that was the second time that happened today. Right. All right. Let's try to answer some questions because people are seeking not only our wisdom, but our guidance and rightfully soy. Nice. This one's about edamame.

No, actually this one's about glasses. So I feel a little bit very experienced in this field that I can provide my wisdom. Yeah. Hi, Jake and Amir writes, we'll call this guy Warby S Parker. Great. Hi, Jake and Amir. I've started to wear my glasses more in public. I also see YouTube videos talking about how glasses can make you look better.

And I want to look my best. The problem is, my brother wears glasses too. And I feel like if I wear them, I will look like him. My brother isn't the best looking guy. And when I wear glasses, all I see is his ugly face on my body. What can I do to get over this and feel normal about wearing glasses in public? Well, that's a tough one. He doesn't want to look like his fucking faggot, uggo ass brother.

Unfortunately, you do. Right? He's a twin, but he doesn't wear the glasses. He's an identical twin, but my brother is ugly. Yeah. What do you think? Are you looking up different glasses styles or something? Yeah.

I mean, you don't have to... Yeah, that's like first and foremost. Try a different style of glasses, right? Yes. Yeah, different style of glasses. That's correct. Or yeah, you know what's coming back into fashion now? Yeah.

My first pair of glasses. Which is what? Like a wire frame? A wire frame large. Like the kind that I wore in literally fourth grade that I've slowly transitioned away from is now becoming hip and cool again. Those are cool.

I like the way those look, but I think... At least for me, I don't think they work on my face. And I feel like to wear wire frame glasses, you have to actually need the glasses because I feel like they're utilitarian and they're stylish. You see better out of them to limit the peripheral... You're talking about big glasses, right?

Yeah. The bigger the glasses, the more easy it is to look around, up, down, left, right. Right. I mean, so I guess if I still needed glasses, if I didn't have my... Perfect lacy vision. Better than perfect.

Would you wear like the Robin Williams in one hour photo, like huge wire frame, kind of like 70s pervert style? I do love that look. Like that with your mustache? My style icon is a 70s pervert. Yeah, sort of like a slender little sweaty pervert man. And he'll wear tight jeans and a baggy shirt.

Serial killer with a station wagon. That's what I want to be dressed as. Yeah, and the car that you drive would be from like the late 70s. Yeah, it's like a wood paneled station wagon. That's right. That's your sort of... I look like I have it all together, but there's many bodies buried in the yard.

That's your brand of sorts. I'm slowly breaking. I'm losing again. That's your style. Yeah. But I think my face is too thin. Excuse me? I have a thin face. And I don't mean from ear to ear.

I mean the thickness of my skin. So I can't really do the big glasses. You want... But then what's the alternative? Thin little rectangles? I need like medium sized glasses. So let's say you're... I'm a medium man.

If your brother's rocking plastic big boys, then you could do the opposite wire frame. If he's doing the wire frame, you can do that. Or you can do the two panel, like the 50s NASA style, where it's like thick on top wire frame on the bottom or even open on the bottom. That's cool.

There's options. You try some, you try the other. If you really don't want to look like your brother, which seems kind of mean because he's related to you and you're calling him Ugo, but the only thing that prevents you from looking exactly like him is glasses, which doesn't bode too well for you,

then just choose a different pair of glasses. Or convince him to get LASIK. And then you're the brother with glasses. That's right. You do the full transition. What if he then becomes hot brother and everyone is like, your brother is hot and has better eyes than you?

I love that. And then, does anybody in your family have glasses? No. My parents have like reading glasses. All right, sweet. So everyone else has perfect vision? Yeah. Contacts?

No. Contacts, perfect vision, nary a pair of glasses. My parents also, now they use reading glasses, but they have perfect vision too. So what's your genetic function? Yeah, like where are you guys coming up short? I think, oh well, I mean, I had,

I needed glasses actually, so that wasn't six for six. Yeah, that's like a slight prescription. I'm talking like, I'm talking real fucked up, like give me a fucking disease that's in the family that I can needle and point to, that I can really rub in,

something like a Tay Sacks, or like a genetic mutation that I can really fucking hone in on. I wish I had something for you, but us, her wits, her wits born are genetically perfect. We're all white Jewish LeBron James's of ourselves.

We're all 6'8", 260. Yeah, we got her like 23 and me and it's not like any disease variable things. Really? Yeah. What about you? Yeah, I'll be above for me. I saw you were legally blind and had lupus

based on your 23 and me. Jaundice was just the start of the story. Yeah, jaundice rosacea. Yeah, echinacea, which I thought was an herb, but I guess a disease. I spent the first and last year of my life in an incubator.

Sleeping upside down in the cryogenic chamber. Trying to drain the diseases out of your nose from your feet. That's right. That's where a lot of the bile and stuff comes out of. So I'll do the cryotherapy and I'll cry during it, if that makes sense.

Yeah, that does. Yeah, but other than that. Are you still thinking about getting lasik? Yeah, I'm considering it. I'm thinking about it. And I said that maybe on my birthday, I'll get lasik as a gift to myself. Oh, I love that.

But we have till January. Cool. All right, let's answer another question. A quest love? Oh, this is a good one. This one is written by a man and it's about a sock. So we'll call him me undy

because they sell socks. They do. Recently, I've been back at my hometown visiting. While here, I've been partaking in some Tinder fun. Well, lo and behold, I matched with this gal and we hit it off. Numbers are exchanged. We text for a week and arrange a date.

We go out, get drinks, and it seems to be going great. We are both having fun. She invites me back to her place. We kiss, we bang, we sleep. I get up early in the morning and I can't find a sock. It's cool.

I power on without the sock. I say goodbye and begin my walk of shame. I text later the day to see what's up and she replies that she had a great time but doesn't see it going any further. That's fine. I'm leaving soon. I didn't want anything.

I reply that it's cool and we don't talk again. So here's where the weird part happens. Two days later, I'm going through her Instagram story when I come to hers and she's lighting my sock on fire. What?

There's like two of her lighting it. I went to show a friend later and she had deleted it. Why would she do this? What the fuck do I do? It's not like I'm attached to this sock and I wasn't planning on getting it back either. I just don't know how to feel about this.

A friend suggested I text her and say it's my only sock and I need to pick it up. So why would you do this? What would you do if you were me? I just really want to know what to think. Please help. Love.

Jack's sock. Jack's sock. He says that he looked at it two days later. I'm assuming maybe it was one day later because he saw it and then it expired and I think Instagram stories inspire after 24 hours. Right.

If that's what he meant. So let's say this story is real. What the hell would you do with that information? Would you call somebody out on it or would you say, uh, bye forever? Yeah.

I think if I... It's too late now. I would have done it right in the moment. If I was looking at her Instagram story and she was burning my sock, I would have slid into her DMs in a funny way. LOL. Did you burn my sock?

Just like three different emojis, like three emojis of like the horrified face or something. Because you would be horrified. Yeah. I guess like it sort of makes sense that somebody would want to just get rid of the sock. Burning it feels really weird.

Yeah. Intense. Like it was some sort of effigy or something. Yeah. But she said, it was fun. I just don't see it going anywhere. I guess you might want to make sure

that she doesn't hate you for any reason. How about this for a text? You send her a little message that says, hey, have you ever been to Burning Man? And she'll say no. And then you say, what about burning sock? That's right.

I saw everything. The sock burning. You little pyromaniac. I love that shit. Why didn't I come over with a remaining garb and we just go ham on it together? Do you want to burn my other sock? Let's fucking chew it down,

lady in the tramp style. I do think he should burn his other sock. That's kind of nice that they would both be cremated. Oh, that's right. So what if you burn the sock? You burn the sock and send her a video. That's really cool. So you're like, is this interesting to you?

Do you like the burning socks? Because I have a weird hunch that you do. You could look through her Instagram and see if there's other fire related stuff. Maybe she just likes to burn stuff. Yeah. That's such a weird specific fetish, I say. Did you ever have like a pyromaniac friend

when you were growing up? I had friends that liked burning shit. Yeah, I did not. They were like the same friends that did drugs and stuff, so I never hung out with those cool people. My friends, the only thing we would light on fire is like the Bible. Oh, I mean, that's pretty serious.

Really? Yeah. We once fucking took a blow torch to an entire fucking school. Jesus Christ. That's arson. Yeah, but like aside from that, we weren't like the cool kids. We were like the deranged weirdos that fucking burned people.

I mean, that's like you're a terrorist. Yeah. And like I'll sometimes wake up from that fucking nightmare and I can't escape the smile on the images. So that's what the screaming crying is about. The screaming and the crying. It's your fucked up childhood. I guess for whatever fucking reason

it's starting to surface or some shit. This isn't funny. This isn't silly. Why are you laughing? There it is. That's the cry. Good man. Get it out there.

I can't believe this hasn't come up in the first 350 episodes. This is what 350 one's all about. It's about like let's dig a little deeper. Let's get this shit out there in the open. In the ether. You are an aggrieved teenage pyromaniac terrorist who compares yourself favorably to Martin Luther King. Well when you say it like that

it's like a weird little sound bite. I'm glad you at least hear that. And that's like eye-opening to me. Like now I'm fucking willing to change over it because of the way you put it succinctly. Like the way I dealt with it I didn't need to hear that. And now I want to like fucking better myself.

Great. I want to like figure like get to the root of the issue and solve it and lead a happier or different life for that. Therapy shouldn't be this easy. I think you're super dumb. I think I'm super fine. Well you didn't get there. You're not totally cured.

You recognize the problem right? Don't scream cry. Even now it's like I'm starting to see the flames in my eyes. There's a lot of work to be done. What would you do if you were him? Address it or let it go? I would have already addressed it. I would have like DM'd immediately.

Yeah. But now that it's over, I probably would not do anything. But just out of curiosity, you're never going to see this person again. Maybe put yourself a calendar invite for two months from now and then reach out then. Hey, sorry. This has been sort of chewing on me for a little bit. Did you burn my sock?

Why did you burn my sock? I don't think that she's going to tell you the truth. I want closure. She'll be like, oh, I didn't even realize that was your sock. I was just being silly. Oh, really? At the end. You're the weirdo that texted her.

You didn't realize she just burned another sock? I think that what she did was weird, but you waiting two months and asking about it, that just brings you to that level. You think that's weirder than burning a sock? Waiting two months and then asking somebody why they did it, like not letting go of the fact that they, yes. Well, I don't know if it's actually weirder,

but it can be perceived and spun that way for sure. Because I'm the guy that burned the sock, but you're the weirdo that was hung up on it for two full months and then resurfaced the strange issue. And I could always just be like, oh, I just thought it was funny. I can't believe it's been eating away at you all autumn. Well, I guess I'm the weirdo then, because I want to know why you burnt a sock.

And I'm sorry for putting myself at a two month grace period to try to crack the case myself. But I guess I never got to the bottom of it. Yeah. I'm a real fucking amateur gum shoe. And now you have confirmed that you are the weirdo, because you're an amateur gum shoe. I'll eat a shoe.

And I need a sock. Very nice. Let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors, and we'll be right back on the other side of this break after this. Lates. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode,

but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member

that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. You know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife,

and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere

and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift

and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th.

So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on.

Thank you, aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist,

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Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I sort of do. I've got a little thing that I've been enjoying lately. Is it the painting of the Dungeons and the Dragons? Well, it was not, but I've also been doing that.

Oh, you were planning on talking about something else. I'm planning on talking about something cool, sports, but I will say that I painted, I got my D&D painting kit miniature thing in the mail. Painting kit? Yeah. It came with like 10 colors. You can mix them to make more, obviously. Is it a specific D&D painting kit?

Yeah. There's a bunch of different ones out there, but mine was like, I believe it's called Bones. So it's like these sort of like rubbery plastic miniatures. They're all unpainted. It came with three, so you could like kind of learn. And I painted the first guy. Yeah. He was a pirate.

He was a really little pirate with a big treasure chest. All right. And also there was a wizard or like, oh yeah, an elf ranger. And then a, and then I believe the other one was a little wizard. You already said wizard. Yeah. There's three. There's the ranger, the wizard, and the pirate.

But then I also had my low grade plastic hard one, sure foot. All right. So I painted the pirate. It felt like I had a good enough handle on shit. And this is in your garage? No, this was, so I cleaned the garage. Yeah. Got it ready to paint.

I got it ready, but there, I don't, I still don't have like a good table down there. So I painted in the, I painted in my house in the kitchen. Okay. And Jill was mortified. It was as if she walked in on you cheating on her. Our house is like pristine. It's like, we're both kind of neat freaks and like, I'm definitely like a minimalist. Like a minimalist.

Yeah. I don't like stuff. Everything serves a purpose. It's all like nice and curated. And like we've got nice little planters, you know, a bud vase, some decorative trays maybe. And then I have a D&D miniature kit. Just like, and Jill is just like, why is this in our house? This can't, we like had somebody coming over and she made me put it in the laundry room.

Anyway, so I painted the... Are you embarrassed of me? I painted the pirate and it came out pretty good. So I gave the, so I got the confidence to paint hard one. The plastic on hard one is just, it was a little less, it was a little less like, there was less absorption of it. So hard one looked a little bit streakier. I'm not done. I've got to do a second coat and like get in some details.

But he didn't come out as well as I wanted. I'll show you, I think I have a picture. Do you want to see it? Have you Instagram storied it? I Instagram storied, I think I did. But I don't know if I Instagram storied the actual painting, the painted one. I think I Instagram storied the unpainted miniature. Maybe on Monday when this podcast comes out, Monday, October 8th, you can...

Oh, I'll post the, yeah, because I'm going to paint a little bit more this weekend. Okay. I will post, oh yeah, here's, I could Instagram story these two. This is hard one sure foot in the pirate. This was before the pirate was finished, though. Whoa, they're kissing. Knock it off. So the pirate is this bare-chested bald man with an open denim vest.

Your paint job makes him look like he was burned alive. He's holding, what? He does not. And then right next to him, it's hard one, sure foot. It can be wearing, it looks like ski boots. He has a man bun and a braided beard. Would you say that's accurate? It's a dwarven braid, but yes.

He has tattoos unless that's just the cape paint spilling on his arms. It's his shoulder pads. Got it, but there's like black marks on his forearms. Oh, that was a slip of them. I told you it's not done, dude. Give me my phone back, you little prick. I'm going to go over again with the flesh color on the arms. And is the axe painted silver or is that the standard color of the miniature?

The miniature is white, so the axe is painted silver. And then the base is... That's a dwarven braid axe, because he's a human raised by dwarfs. And a dwarf in it, just so you know. Sorry, one second. I'm describing the picture. Hard one's the name. The disc that he stands on is like this plastic quarter of sorts.

Do you paint that? Yeah, I'm going to paint that just like black or gray, color of dirt on the ground. Yeah, that's good, the ground that he stands on. And again, this is just to have while you play the game, you just sort of hold him and you look at him and you say, like, though I like hard one and I like to touch him with my fingers and stuff. Yeah, exactly. And the dragon?

Oh, I see why you thought these were tattoos. Yeah, no, that is just the brush. And the dragon? I also bought a dragon, but the dragon I bought was painted. It looked like it was home-painted, so we were trying to guess. It was painted by somebody. I thought I was buying a blank dragon, to be totally honest. I'm glad that it came painted.

Having had. I don't think I'm ready. I don't even think I want to paint something that big. I like painting the mini minis. Got it. It's more fun. Well, thanks for taking us on this mini adventure. What were you going to talk about when I said unsolicited advice?

Oh, watching hard knocks. Oh, yeah. I think it's especially good if you have a partner that you live with or a friend that you live with that you want to watch. If you want to watch football and they don't care. Yeah. Hard knocks is really great about putting emotional stakes into sports, which are there for most sport fans anyway.

Right. You don't like basketball just because you like watching the numbers go up and people make shots. You like that, but it's more meaningful because you know that this guy was drafted in a really late round and nobody thought he was going to be good. But now he's like proving himself in this. Right.

The emotional stakes of the adventure, the story that's being told. So when those things are happening, it makes people even that think they don't like sports, actually like sports because when you're like, oh, this is a rookie QB who was a walk on at college who's like now leading the worst team in the NFL to be their hopefully first winning record in years. Right. Then when that guy- Oh, I get to root for him because I'm rooting for a person, not just a player.

Exactly. So hard knocks really helps you do that because it just introduces the entire team of the Cleveland Browns and they're all just really great, likeable people. Did you watch this is going to sound a little dated because we're recording in between the Browns game against the Raiders and the Browns game against the Ravens, but did you watch the Browns Raiders game? I did. Yeah.

Up until I didn't get to watch it over time because I had to record the D&D podcast though. I was like, we know you wear your allegiances lie. Yeah. The miniatures and the fucking Browns. You prefer fantasy role playing to fantasy football, but what an epic devastating loss. I guess that's just part of the adventure, right? Yeah. I mean, that's a loss that Baker's going to live with the rest of his life.

The next game is his home opener like starting his first game in Cleveland. So people are optimistic. That's awesome. But I mean, he did everything he needed to do. Yeah. He threw a pick six. Yeah. And he also threw that interception at the end of the fourth quarter when they were like

marching down the field to get a game winning field goal. Oh, I don't think it did. Yeah. He threw the ball away, but live and learn, I guess. Right. Defense has to do something too. We should also mention dropout because lonely and horny season two, the trailer is out. Season one of lonely and horny is on college rumors new platform called dropout.

You can watch it in its entirety on dropout.tv, which anybody that bought it on Vimeo can always watch it on Vimeo, but if you didn't want to spend the 15 bucks. Yeah. Dropout is like three, four or five bucks depending on how long you get it for. There's even a free trial. That's right. For a week, it's free. So you can actually watch lonely and horny for free right now.

And then lonely and horny season two debuts in November on dropout. So they're going to release it slowly over the course of the calendar year. And lonely and horny is one of its first shows. So season one is on now and season two is coming in November. And there, I think we have a link so they know we sent you. That's right. Because the more people that watch season one, the better chance is that we'll have a season three.

Holy shit. So let them know that you like it and that you want more. I'll tweet the link so that if you sign up, sign up with the link that I'm going to tweet at the time of releasing this podcast. And if you're on my Instagram creeping my miniatures, then you should also see that the link in my bio there is the, is a link to sign up. Yeah. You'll put, actually how about instead of the little paint that's billing, you can put

the URL on hard ones arm. It's going to be very, very hard to do. These guys are like the size of half your thumb. Yeah. Actually, I guess it's about thumb size. All right. Let's get it. I can do it.

I'm a master painter. Oh, we should tell the story about how we met Michael Chiklis. Yeah. We should tell that story. That was a big fucking deal. That was a highlight of a lifetime, I think. So a little backstory is we made a video maybe five, six years ago called Reddit in which I-

Probably longer than that even. Yeah. Somewhere in that range where I say that if people upvote something that I posted on Reddit, that I'll go dickless for Michael Chiklis. And was there any reason behind that? I think it was just a way of sacrificing myself in a funny rhyme. Right. So it's like, not only will I slam my nuts in the door, but I'll cut my dick off for

Michael Chiklis. Yeah. Was it all, it was about putting your nuts in the door? I think it was like do this and I'll- Was that a Facebook group one time? It was like 100 people joined this group, I'll slam my nuts in the door and then like you did slam your nuts in the door, what only a few people joined. So it's a long-

Theme. It's a running theme of mean- Yeah. Utilization. Yeah. So in this episode I threatened to go dickless for Chiklis and I guess that- Or promise to. Yeah.

Promise to or threatened to whatever my character thinks is good on the day and it got back to him I guess because people were tweeting at him, hey, I want to go dickless for Chiklis and at one point he like retweeted and he's like, I don't know what going dickless for Chiklis is, but- Don't do it. Don't do it. So we were like vaguely aware that he was aware- And we made a second reddit, a reddit part two where you offer again to go dickless for

Michael Chiklis. I think at one point you say, I will lose my dick for Michael Chik. Right. So we hammered home because it's funny when things rhyme to us. And then we're at some event slash party this weekend and I'm seeing like certain celebrities here and there, but I don't actually think that Michael Chiklis will be there. Right. And I was getting, I believe I was getting both of us a drink.

Yeah. And when I turn around I just see Vic Mackie. From the shield. From the shield. Michael Chiklis, I mean anybody that like has seen him act like knows what he can do with his face. Like that look, basically when Vic Mackie used to take off his sunglasses and just stare at you.

That's what he was doing. He was staring me down. He was like, chef puffed out standing like a foot from you. Yeah. Unbroken eye contact, angry stare. That's right. And my first thought is like, oh shit, Amir's in trouble. And my second thought is I'm going to let him get his ass kicked because that's Michael

Chiklis. Wait, so you thought I was in trouble before you realized it was Michael Chiklis? Yeah. I was like, what's going on? Cause like it, there was sort of like a few of our friends like staring at what was happening. Yeah. So I was like, shit, something's up. And then I was like, oh no.

Yeah. And then I was, yeah, but I was, part of me was like, he's, he's not going to actually punch you. Right? Question mark. So I turn around and I see Michael Chiklis and it's a very jarring thing because I didn't expect him to be there. So it's not like my brain was on alert.

So like, it was basically like turn around, see Michael Chiklis in front of you. And then I'm like, why, wait, who, oh, oh, what, what, oh, shit. Like my brain's like, that's Michael Chiklis. Remember you did a video about him and he might, he's looking at you angrily. Crazy enough to see a celebrity, weirder to see a celebrity that also looks like they're going to spear tackle you. Yeah. And then slowly realize why.

So my brain was like, you had done something to fucking troll them. So my brain like put it all together like in three seconds faster than a normal thought because I had to like pull from different parts of my history with him. And then so right away I'm like, I'm sorry. I was like, I'm sorry, but thank you. So basically like I was like, I was summarizing an apology, but I had to write it on the spot. So like, so the first thing I said was, I'm sorry, I appreciate it. This is awesome.

Thank you for letting us do that. I really am sorry though. And then I was like, I didn't even write it. And then while I'm like stammering and stuttering. You said you didn't write it? Yeah. He's still staring at me. And then he goes, don't cut your dick off for me.

And I was like, it was just a joke, but thank you so much for like being a cool part of it and like, you know, like taking it in stride. And then he like finally broke. He's like, I'm just fucking with you guys. That's really, I know it was like this nice group, not, I don't know if there was a group hug, but that was the sentiment that was. Yeah. Yeah.

He was like friends and smiled and laughed and was good natured about us saying that we were going to castrate ourselves for him. And then his wife was like, oh, that's the dickless for chickless guys. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I guess I am. That is what I am at the end of the day, the dickless for chickless guys. I'll take it. And he was so nice about it and so grateful and we took photos or pretended to be dickless

for him. And I posted it. And that was his fucking idea. We were like, let's take a photo together. And then he was like, should we go dickless? Yeah. I think he at one point, he joked about me taking my dick out. So we took this photo or posing where like my hands are covered over my penis as if I

had gone dickless for him at that moment. Put it on Instagram. He liked it. He like retweeted it on Twitter, very, very nice, very friendly, staying in character the whole time. Great dude. And you told him how much I liked the shield, which was great because I wanted to fanboy about it, but I didn't want to be like, I'm a huge fan.

And when you told him, he was like nice and warm about it and then I just like gushed about the shield, which is a fucking great show. That's going to be another piece of unsolicited advice. Watch hard knocks, watch the shield. Watch lonely and horny on dropout. And then when you're done, paint a fucking pirate or something. I can't believe you said, my guy looked like he was burned alive. I don't fucking see it.

Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's like the plastic he was molded in. Oh, no. I see. Yeah. He's sort of like, he looks a little melted. It's the plastic. Yeah.

It's definitely the plastic. And also it was a little streaky. All right. Female character who's writing this female question in, do you have a female name, anybody from the shield that, you know, that you remember? Claudette. Claudette. Yeah.

She played who? On the show. Or that was the character. She was a detective. Got it. So Claudette writes, hey guys, been a huge fan since day one. Love the podcast and your college humor stuff. Here's my question.

I go to an arts high school and I'm studying theater. I'm going through my junior year and one of the big things you do junior year is comedy routines. Basically, for the first part of the assignment, you go in a room with a camera and you just have to be funny for minutes. And then they show the video in the theater and if you don't get enough laughs, you fail. The second part of the assignment is a few weeks later and everyone, including the teachers and the students, goes to the theater and you have to go on stage and basically do stand-up.

Again, if you don't get enough laughs, you fail. I consider myself to be pretty funny. My sense of humor is very college humor and people almost always laugh at my jokes. However, when it comes to having to plan out my humor, my brain is completely blank. I have no idea what to do. The only idea I can think of is for the video and the idea is that I'll eat a raw fish. Just sit there and eat a raw fish and nothing but my hands and mouth and keep a straight face.

But everyone says this won't be funny. I'm completely out of ideas and since you guys are hilarious comedy writers, I figure you can have some comedy advice for me or maybe some ideas. Please help. I do not want to fail. Is eating a fish funny? What is funny? Thank you, fine ladies, so much.

Wow. What a nerve-wracking class assignment. That's insane. You just have to be funny for a bunch of minutes and if nobody laughs, then you fail. The pressure is so real there that it's hard even if you do something that's actually funny. You realize how hard it is to do stand-up for the first time and then that's what you're being graded on. It's a bad class.

But at really high stakes, I would like to at least be part of that class, watch it from afar. Yeah. The video idea. You could teach a class at USC or something. Yeah, where it's like, make me laugh. You think you funny? Make me laugh.

Yeah. We probably wouldn't be able to make enough money to make it worth our time, but it'd be interesting if you and I just did a semester at USC Film School. Sorry, you mean studying or teaching? Me and you, teach. Got it. We teach a weird little internet comedy class. We're professors for that, I guess.

We'd have to be. Do you think a video of her eating a raw fish would get laughs? It's definitely high risk, but maybe high reward. I feel like her doing it live would get more reaction and laughs. That's something you should do for your, say for your stand-up because that's kind of like guttural and crazy and you could play with people's reactions. But just a video of you eating a raw fish. I feel like people, I don't know, it's so like.

Maybe it needs like a button at the end, like you finish, you consume this whole fish and then you say something silly like, that's what I call sushi, baby, or something like that. Teach a man to fish. That's good. I think you could use this premise, especially if people are already talking about it, that you're going to eat a fish and then use some like trick editing to make it seem like you did.

Or use that as the leaping off point and you have the raw fish, you show yourself cutting into it and then you raise the fork out of frame and then it's like a new shot and you take a bite of something else. Got it. So raw fish, special effect, turns into a different food. Right. Lift a hotdog into the frame. That's funny.

That's comedy. And as for the live comedy portion, you steal somebody else's act and do their stand up verbatim. I think the live portion is when you really do eat the fish. Oh, okay. So live portion, you're eating the fish because this is a runner at this point. This is a theme. They're expecting it because they've already seen the video.

So in the video, they're like, oh, she's cheating. She's not really eating a fish. And now for my final act, I will actually eat the fish. What's the difference between sushi-grade food and non-sushi-grade? Can I buy a raw salmon at a grocery store needed or does it have to be sashimi-grade salmon to eat the entire fish raw? I'm not sure. I feel like you could probably eat raw salmon that you got from the grocery store and your

risk of getting sick just goes up a little more or something or maybe it tastes bad. I don't know. Okay. Here's another option. You convince another friend who's going right before you to eat raw fish. And then when it's time for your turn, you come out with like a nice cooked plate of salmon or tuna. So then you're eating like the nice cooked version and it's like, oh, she should have

done this. This makes more sense. This is funnier. This is tastier. Right. But it's not really funnier. Oh, sorry. I'm thinking about it.

What's funnier than eating a raw fish? It's eating a cooked fish. I was starting to think of a culinary class. You could just put the raw fish on a plate, but it's a hot plate. That's funny. I think none of this is funny. And we're professionals. We can't crack the case.

I would fail this class. I did fail this class. I tried to do stand up once in college. The third at the Battle of the Bands. Yeah. And I was older than this high schooler was at the time and I considered myself funny. What were your jokes? I said, so it was like a Battle of the Bands.

So I opened with my impression of a deaf musician. I said, who hears from out of town? And then people clapped. I'm like, no, I can't hear you. He hears from out of town. And then more people clapped. I'm like, no, I'm serious. I can't hear you.

And deafening silence, of course. I was making fun of the handicap. Then I talked about how deafening silence about a deaf person. And then I talked about how there's so many people handing stuff out on campus like coupons or newsletters or magazines that whenever I'm walking through school, I feel like I'm returning a punt. That one also fell on deaf ears. Talked about driving from LA to San Francisco.

And I was like, it's a six hour drive, but the way I do it, it's 6.04. That's not bad. Yeah, it was fine. I feel like that's been like a tweet of yours. Yeah, they're all tweets before Twitter, but nobody there wanted to hear any of them. They were all mad at me. I would have failed the class. So I guess the larger macro lesson here is don't put too much stake in this class.

Well, I guess the funny people can fail at comedy. That's true. And maybe just the one piece of advice I actually have is to try to craft a bunch of different one-liners. That way, there will be some laughs. Although it's a physical... If you stick to a full video of a fish, then if people don't think that's funny, you lose them for the whole thing.

But if you're like, here's a joke about returning a punt, here's a joke about a deaf musician, here's a joke about a drive, like a long drive. They're not all going to be winners, but if people laugh, at least a couple of them... I got a good one. If you don't fail. I got a good one. I got a good theory. And I want this person to actually use it.

You come out, you're going to perform stand-up one-liners, but you have a big chocolate cake in front of you. And you say, whenever a joke does well, I'm not going to stuff my face into the cake. And when a joke does poorly, I'll slam my face into the cake. So you come out, you tell a one-liner, whatever. Why do they call it New Jersey? It should be Old Jersey. It seems pretty old to me.

No laughter, slam your face. That's great. Wait, back up. New one-liner. So they're either laughing at the joke or they're laughing at the cake. It's a good combination of physical. And then you start to fuck with their expectations, whether or not they want to laugh. And then maybe something is on the borderline, so you sort of slam your face slowly into

the cake. And yeah, that's pretty good. I like that. In fact, I think we should do that on the road next time we're doing a live podcast. Nice. A cake slam, we'll call it. All right. If somebody who ever comes to our next live show, bring us a cake because we can't travel

with one. Now, that's what I call sweet comedy, silence, slam cake. Slamming the cake. Yeah. All right, that's it. That's our show. Thank you for writing questions in or theme songs in. The email address for everything is ifirushowatgmail.com.

The opening theme song was Rajat. Remember that one? I do. And this closing one is written by Guthridge. Let me look up his full name. I only wrote Guthridge, but I know he is a full name. It might have to be Jake Guthridge. Cool first name, dude.

It is Jake Guthridge. Fuck. Thanks to Jake and thanks to Rajat. Thanks to you guys for listening, and we'll be back next week. Ciao. Deuces. If I were you show, if I were you show, if I were you show, starts now.