If I Were You - 353: Irish Pool Party (w/Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport!)

Episode Date: October 22, 2018

Friends and "Hollywood Handbook" hosts join us to discuss fake beer, real babies, and work out regimens. See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. What do you guys think of that theme song on a scale of let's say 1 to 50? I love it. I love it. Whenever Steve Martin sort of puts the comedy stuff down and picks up the banjo. You guys have the O Brother soundtrack? We do. It's my favorite.

We all love the dead but Jerry Garcia Band is underappreciated and when he would just start plucking away and take us down to Shady Lane. I don't know why Tim Blake Nelson hasn't done more albums. So that wasn't any of the people you mentioned. That was actually somebody named Calvin Yeager who submitted last week's DMB parodies. He also had some originals. I figured you know what? We played the parodies.

Why don't we give them some originals love? So shout out to Calvin Yeager who's a PhD student who made that with banjo, mandolin and guitar. How were the DMB parodies? I haven't heard that episode yet. It's worth checking out. Does he do a good DMB voice? He does satellite and crash. Jake's a huge Dave fan.

Are you guys Dave Heads? Sean, now I'll let Sean take it. There's always one. I've talked about it before. Well, they were like the biggest thing in the world at my high school. We grew up like 10 minutes away from each other. We grew up really close and it wasn't... Do you remember when they had the riots at the parking lot?

It was national news. The Meadows parking lot people were flipping over cars, setting them on fire. I saw a girl get shoved over with a girl inside of it. And then her boyfriend had to fight this guy who shoved the portal party over. But it was for her honor because she was covered in pee and poop. But he obviously didn't want to fight. Yeah, what would you do in that situation? You can't not fight.

I think I spent their teenagers, but I don't think he had any option. He either had to break up with her or start punching this guy. Or who also was the kind of guy who would shove a portal party over. So he did beat him up. So that guy's story was I went to an awesome Dave concert last night. A fight broke out. I shoved her over a portal party. I beat somebody up.

The party was awesome. I'm the man. And Dave played Tripping Billy's too. They jammed for 28 minutes. I can never get into Dave Matthews because everybody was so into the live shows of it all. And the songs were like 38 minutes long. I didn't quite understand it. I hated them just to be a contrarian.

I was always like, this is suck, man. They're for woossies. And then I was like, I'm in a fucking hip hop. And then after I missed the first concert where it was like everybody fingered each other on the lawn at the concert and everyone was doing drugs and having sex. And I was like, I think I'm going to go next year. Seeing Judah Freelander in the video where he gives free hugs. I believe it's for every day.

That's why I got into comedy. And that's why you got into Dave. I saw out, Judah Freelander's comedy from that video and I was like, oh, this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. How old were you then? I was 29. How old were you now? I'm approaching 33. Wow, Larry Bird.

Shout out. Sean and Hayes, I should introduce you guys. Those two voices that you don't quite hear every week in the studio are... Not quite. Although I do sound a little bit like Sean. Although I do sound a little bit like Sean. Sean and Hayes from the Hollywood Handbook podcast. True or false?

Yes, no, true. It's true, I have to admit it. We don't have a lot of podcasts anymore. Now we have so many. All of a sudden we have tons. It happens like that. One is popular and then it's a never-ending. People are insatiable, they want more.

I'm addicted to diminishing returns. I'm not going to stop until nobody's listening to my rugby podcast. Shout out, John Gabriel. Shout out, John Gabriel. We were the same way. We had this show for so long and then Jake started a Dungeons & Dragons podcast and he loved it. I'm like, fuck, what's my Dungeons & Dragons? So I started a basketball podcast

and now it's like, all right, what else we got? Let's just fucking keep it going. Did Matthews podcast? Yeah, DM pod. So what do you guys have in addition to Hollywood Handbook? We just started a basketball, another NBA show. I was calling Amir. Ours is called The Flagrant Ones.

Pretty good, right? That's good. But years came first, Amir, and Sean and I immediately text each other. We're like, fuck. It wasn't the 1100 before mine. No, because we had all these plans. We had the first record, I think, scheduled. Yes.

And then we get hit with this. With the big dog. Which is why I didn't want to do it. The goat comes out with the podcast. Every podcast that... I bet two other people saw your podcast said, fuck. All right, let's do it anyway. And then two other people will see that one.

I have noticed that. Then I go like, oh, I think I have other friends who have NBA podcasts that I wasn't even aware of. I have two. I also felt this, do I do this? I don't like talking about anything else. But at the same time, I feel bad because literally two of my friends have podcasts.

Was J.J. Reddick mad when you started yours? J.J. was fine with it. He was fine with it. It was C.J. and A.J. that weren't too pleased with me. C.J. Miles. That's right, and A.J. Burnett. But I think it's a baseball player. But do you guys have anything in addition to those two?

Well, we do a Hollywood Handbook. We also do a Hollywood Handbook, the pro version, which is a Stitcher premium. And that is behind a paywall if anybody wants to just pay for everything individually. And Sean has one called Hollywood Masterclass with Ben Rogers, and I do a show about L.A. Politics.

The L.A. Podcast. The L.A. Podcast. That's where I get my news. How did you immerse yourself into Los Angeles so much that you're like, I can start a show about this? I had just been into it for a really long time, and I always wanted a show like that where I could keep up with stuff

that is kind of like welcoming people into it and not just mentioning names that you don't know and assuming you know them. There used to be one called Which Way L.A. That was really boring, but at least it was on every day for like a half hour that you could kind of catch up with. Is L.A. Podcast a comedy podcast? No, definitely not compared to other comedy podcasts,

but we try to be a little lighter and friendlier. It's funnier than the average local news show. Just accidentally, but just by accident. It has to be a little funny. I'm impressed sometimes at how funny it is because just having someone who recognizes how absurd what the local politics things they're talking about are where you'll just be like,

so this guy for anyone who doesn't know only hangs around with white supremacists and hears some of the other people that he's been known to associate with and then just like tell stories about those figures and you go like, oh, it's fucking insanity. Like everyone in this entire realm is just out of their mind. But I've already gotten kind of scared

because we had one journalist. We've had a few journalists on the show now and when we say stuff like that, the journalists will say like, please cut. I can't even be on a show where you guys are saying that stuff because they can get sued for like anything. And I'm like, oh, I was like, why nobody's sued me? Am I just like begging for this to happen at some point?

You're like in between the journalists and the comedians. Yeah, I think, you know, I should say right now, it's a comedy podcast. It's satire. Is this all LA local politics? LA County, yeah. Oh, cool. Which is, I love politics podcast.

There's 10 million people, you know, we got a lot of people in this metro area. It's good. I learned about my own neighborhood when the Koreatown lobbied to move the shelter and you guys were all like, this is setting a super bad precedent. Other places are gonna do this now

and then like two weeks later, another neighborhood immediately did exactly what you predicted in the exact way you said using what you said they would use, which is the Koreatown as precedent. It was cool. It's fun to be right about things. What was that precedent?

What did they do? They marched just to get this homeless shelter moved out of their neighborhood because they said it was too near a school and like all these other things and they got what they wanted. They got moved to Westlake and because the city council gave in on that,

we were like, oh, everybody is gonna do this now because they know that it works and now Sherman knows. They'll never be able to land one because everyone will go like, oh, you can protest and get it moved and then that place can protest and get it moved. So it's just hot potato.

Yeah. So that's why you organized that march for Matt Washington. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. They weren't even trying to get anything in there. We want the shelter. You're marching backwards.

Our neighborhood is desolate. We'll take any shelters we can get. But for now, this is, if I were you, an advice podcast, Jake and I's show about dispensing wisdom. Sometimes it's just us. Sometimes we have friends in the studio. Are you guys considered wise?

Do people come to you seeking advice, seeking guidance? Is this new territory for you? I get asked now. People starting a podcast will be like, how do I do this? And I'm embarrassed for two reasons. One is like, I don't want to be like Mr. Podcast.

I want there to be someone else in their lives that they ask about this. But also that it's just kind of like, you just buy this thing, like this little box. And then you hit the button on it. And now you have one. You hit the box and now you have one. I want it to be harder.

The advice that I get. You're good at podcasting. What do you do? I press the button. Yeah. I asked Gabriel first. Then he just sent me his Amazon shopping list. That I probably sent him three years ago.

Yes. I think he did tell me of the same thing. Of course, now I look at the equipment here. It is exactly what I have. When I get asked how do I start a podcast, I go, first of all, if you can do literally anything else and be happy, do it.

Because that's going to be easier. And then they come back to you in a day. Yeah. And they go like, well, I started it. And they go, oh, okay. And they go, it's more popular than yours. Yeah, that's right. Oops.

I started by an accidentally. Can I be a guest on yours then? That advice, by the way, is a direct quote from, I believe Simon Kinberg in his Arclight story that aired right after X-Men Apocalypse. He was the writer of X-Men Apocalypse. He wrote the, yes, he wrote the script. And then he, in the Arclight story, they were like,

so what advice do you have to young writers? And he was like, don't even fucking dream about it. Yeah. Unless you're made of iron. It's the hardest job ever. I had to handle one or ask the question. Literally one other person worth of competition will phase me out of my job.

I'm begging you to reconsider. All right. This is a question. We're going to give this guy a fake name. Sean, do you have a fake name? Could be anything. Could be silly. Could be casual.

Could be your first grade teacher. Just something that we can refer to this guy so we can preserve his anonymity. Could be silly. Could be casual. Could be my first grade teacher. Could be my first grade teacher. Okay.

Ms. Modine was my first grade teacher. Usually you give like some kind of what the theme of the question is to give him something. It might help to narrow it down to a little bit. I gave him casual. He's got too big a sandbox right now. Look at her said something casual. Silly.

Like a cue sound is silly. It can be anything. Like cue sound is a great start. Just give us any name that starts with cue. You're sitting so uncomfortably. Yeah. You're fidgeting a lot. Yeah.

Cue man. Cue. Cue. I said a cue name and you just said cue man. Cue man. Cue man. How do you spell that? C-U-E.

He's a pool shark. Yeah. C-U-E. He's a freaking pool husband. In the letter cue. All right. Here comes the cue man. Cue man.

All right. Don't play cue man. I've been working at my job for about a year now and things are going well. I get along with my coworkers and they get along with me. However, even after all this time, Christmas party and social events included, I haven't mentioned the fact that I have a three-year-old child. I never lied about it.

It just never came up for the first couple of months. And now I feel like it's weird to mention it. How the hell can I mention that I have this child after a year without it getting really weird? Chow. Love cue man. Do you have any friends like this that have a secret child or you were surprised to learn how to child? Kids, do you? I was expecting.

Are you really? In March, yeah. Wow. Congrats. Thanks. We're pumped. Are you? Is this the announcement?

Um, no. It's just the fucking leave. I went up on the gram. I've been saving it for if I were you. I knew I had this in the tent. I said, my wife wanted to tell our friends. I said, no. Hang on.

This will be worth it. We had to even have this scheduled. We're like, I think they're going to reach out soon. Can you actually save it for our 999 tier on Patreon? We're hoping to like dangle this carrot. So we're going to edit that secret information out of this episode. And if you want to know what Sean said, give us $10 a month for how long do you want to say? Six months?

Yeah, after six months. Because the baby will be born by then. What? Don't split that out. Juicy. Yeah. How did you do it on the gram? How did I?

Oh. Was it a post of the sonogram? Was it a post of you? It was a post of the sonogram. We had this great one where the baby is just holding up his hand. Wow. All five fingers extended, like he's waving. And so I posted the sonogram with a little ironic joke, because I always have to do.

Babies for selfies. I said, this is the baby showing you how many rings Tom Brady has. Oh, that's good. I hope the haters are still mad when he gets here, March. They will be. Tom Brady onesie. They will be still mad when it comes to that. Yeah.

Oh, the haters are always mad. That's sort of what makes them haters. So is there a weird way for him to drop this information? Or not weird. Not weird. He doesn't want to seem weird. Because the human is afraid of being weird. There's a lot of weird ways to do it.

Just like putting a little picture of a three-year-old on his desk all of a sudden now after a year. Yeah, I have a child. Well, now that would be weird if they all think that he doesn't have a kid. And now suddenly a grown child has appeared on his desk. Yeah. But I think that he is preparing to do this in a weird way because that he's kind of scared of doing it. He wants to debut.

Yeah. He wants to announce. And so he'll announce it in a way that's like, I know this is weird, but I have this kid and then they'll be like, why did he say it like that? Instead of just finding any, you know, people with kids, it is a little weird that he hasn't mentioned it because you just say something that even tangentially connects to the kid and the parent is like, oh, my three-year-old loves that. That's her favorite color or whatever.

But that's what he should do. Just find an easy way to do that. Casual. Super casual. Yeah. What if he like speeds something up? Sort of like, so he says that he has a newborn or he says that he's expecting. Oh, so everyone's like, congrats.

And then four months later, it's like, oh, yeah, the baby's here. Oh, that's good. And then, but then you have to sort of skip in time so that when they meet him, he's a four-year-old. Right. But didn't you say that a year ago? If you have the job for like three years, I feel like you could have fast forwarded enough to have him be five.

I think a better story is that, like, I'm as surprised by this kid as you are. Oh. You know what I mean? Like, if he could pull up, if he puts the kid in the back seat, pulls up to work, and then he's like, oh, my God. You know, make sure someone sees it. And then he's like, oh, I guess I'll raise the kid now. Right.

I'm not an asshole. He brings the kid to work and he's like, can somebody claim this kid? Nobody does by the end of the day. He's like, all right. Yeah, I'm just going to keep him. I'll raise the kid. All right. How about this?

This is a sonogram picture. You post the little cheeky joke, the irreverent little humor joke, babies coming in March, haters, yada, yada, yada. April comes by bringing the three year old. So people are like, wait, wait a second. What is that? You're like, this is my little baby came in March and now he's here. And they're like, it's April fucking fifth.

That's a three and a half year old child. They're like, no, that's a little baby. He's a little baby. He's super advanced. Might want to do it on April Fool's just so we can bail. Yes. If you really get called out by like a scientist who's there or something. And say, this is where he's going to laugh.

He's walking. He's talking. He's three foot six. Say, this is someone else's kid, April Fool's. And then we start over and we try something else. New Instagram, a new sonogram, new baby coming. Yeah. Five year old.

There was also a sob story version of it. It's like you had to take care of this kid and you make up some like, you know, really terrible backstory for the child. And then you look like a hero. Yeah, that's true. Are you getting the vibe that he's not elevated at work? Do you feel like he's not married or something? Like he seems like he's like everyone thinks I'm this single bachelor.

The phrasing. Yeah. He's like, I have this kid. Yeah. It's usually not that single. It's not even his kid. That's the crazy part. Yeah.

I know that I have a fucking three year old. He's married. He's not comfortable revealing his wife or his kid. Right. It's a secret family at that point. Yeah. This is the beginning of who I'm curious about is the girl at work who, you know, he's like maybe cultivating a relationship with.

That's right. Wakes up after the Christmas party in his house. Yeah. And she's like, wow, that was really fun. And then you hear like daddy. And like, she wouldn't, she'd get herself into. She's part of his blended family now. Coming soon to CBS.

That's the show. All right. Those are some options. Got speed, bud. All right. Next question. Should I Nark or not? Hey, do you have a name for this confused gentleman, whether or not he should Nark?

Joe of Nark. That's really nice. Joe of Nark. That's the name of the show that's coming to CBS. Joe of Nark writes up my dudes. My name is Joe of Nark. Long time listener, first time problem haver. I recently wound up in a predicament at work where my coworker was drinking and smoking

some of the devil's lettuce on the job. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. You do you on your off days and whatever. And I'd just keep it to myself if this were a retailer food job, seeing as how we live in a state where bud is legal. It's a problem because we're security. So if something happens on the site, we have to be sober. We have to be sharp and we have to respond accurately.

I don't hate the guy. He's a little annoying, but who isn't at some point? So I don't want to tell my boss and get him fired. But if it came out that I knew and didn't tell my boss, I'd get fired too. I know the best thing to do would be to just tell the boss and he'd respect my request of not dropping my name and I wouldn't get in trouble. But I want to hear the opinions from some guys that I respect from over the internet. So what should I do?

What would you do? Should I be a loser and narc on him? Or should I just keep it to myself? Much love, Joe. Did he say the guy was drinking and smoking weed? You could do that now. You could drink weed. That's right.

I've been curious about it because Sean is sober. I've had this vibes stuff, like a CBD drink. I don't know if it does it. I think it might be kind of a placebo thing. Right. Although CBD is not the highness. It's non-psychoactive. What does it do?

It supposedly just makes your body feel better. It doesn't? I'll check in about half an hour later and be like, I guess I'm not any extreme babe. Maybe it's because of this drink. I have a CBD lotion that I put on my foot because my foot hurts a lot. So you can absorb it. Does it help? It does help.

Can sober people use CBD? It's a new frontier kind of. No, yeah. I have, I guess with all of this stuff, anyone could do anything. There's people in whatever, in sobriety programs who drink non-alcoholic beer and there's people who say you can't do that and there's people who say you could never take Advil and there's other people who take it. So it's a little bit case by case.

I mean a lot of it comes down to like intent. So it's like if you're doing it going looking to get a buzz. Because there was a while where I was like, I tried kombucha and then I found out that kombucha has like 1% alcohol in it and I was like, okay, I guess I'm saying I live this alcohol free lifestyle but I'm also, I'm not drinking it to like try to get fucked up. So I think that it kind of comes down to like your personal feeling about what is right or wrong. You're doing it because you are hoping that you're going to get a buzz out of it and then

if you did, would that lead to you doing it more and more? Then I think you should be, you should abstain. Yeah, but if you're doing it because it's like, oh, this is like good for my stomach or with CBD lotion or whatever. Because my bunion hurts. Yeah, I have aches. Yeah. Let's see your bunion by the way.

It's really shiny with the lotion. It looks good right now. But actually get the lotion. I don't want to get your lotion because I'm also wearing a little bunion ring. The bunion is high from the weed lotion. Coming to adult swim this fall. Hi bunion. And at the risk of boring everyone, I have tried a CBD drink and a CBD lotion.

I didn't find that it had any effect on me but I was doing it just to sort of see what it was like and the thing that I felt most weird about in terms of things that I've done in sobriety is this new drink that I really enjoy which is hops water. Yes. Which essentially tastes hops water. It has zero alcohol. There's no thing that could have any effect. But since I have not had a drink in 14 years, it tastes the most like a beer of anything

I've ever had. It has the flavor of hops but it's like sparkling water. Yes. And I found this at the 7-Eleven on like sunset. So it's not even like AeroLond. You found this at 7-Eleven. Do you like it? I really like it.

It tastes good. It has this sort of pleasant, bitter, herbal taste and it is a nice drink. It's called hops 2-0. But I have a tinge of like weird feeling about it where I'm like tastes a little bit like beer and it's like should I be enjoying this. And you'll drink it like on your back patio. You drink it in a very beauty way. I joke about it like it's beer where I go to my wife.

She'll be like I'm going to bed and I'll go, I think I'm going to hit the porch and have a cold one before I turn in and I'll crack open a hops 2-0. Or H2Ops, however you should say it. H2Ops, I think maybe. It's hard with the formatting to know what it's called. Oh god, it's an H2O pun. I thought it was like a hops 2-0 pun. No, it's like hops water.

Okay, come on. That doesn't answer the narc question at all. I mean, is anyone else feeling like maybe he should talk to this guy directly? I noticed he didn't even raise that as an option. That is interesting. The dude's going to be pissed. He's going to be like, fuck you, man. But then at that point, I would have no guilt about going and telling the boss.

You gave him the warning. I'd say, hey, look, I know this is uncomfortable. I don't want to be a lame-o, but because of the nature of our job, it makes me uncomfortable that I know you're drinking and getting high. So either you have to do it so that I don't know about it. If you actually think you're cool enough that I won't be able to tell, then I guess do it secretly in your car or something before work. Or just stop and do it when you go home.

Otherwise, I feel a responsibility to tell our supervisor because I think that you're putting people in danger, and if he goes like, hey, fuck you, man, I'll do what I want. And then you go like, all right, then I'm going to do what I said. I think better to show him rather than explain to him the danger of this would be to stage an emergency. That he can't handle. A heist. Yeah, that he is too high.

Oh, the security cameras go black. He gets shot. Yeah, or maybe he's like paranoia for him being high. We'll cause him to shoot the actor you have hired. Oh, no, Mark! But then you find out that he also knew the actor, and he was teaching you a lesson. That's like how you never punk Ashton Kutcher. Yeah.

That is the rule. I forgot about that rule. Yeah, you try to punk him. Don't come at the king, or you better not miss. That's right. Or maybe you give him some of that CBD shit, that shit that doesn't really get him high. He's still smoking. He's still thinking he's getting a buzz, but it's actually just a medicinal buzz.

So he's just not sore anymore, which is fine because, you know, his job is a friendly prank. Yeah, a friendly prank, an anti-prank. Is it still a prank if you're being nice to somebody? Like a surprise party? Is a surprise party a prank? That's the philosophical shit that we answer on this show. I've been eating a lot of Jake's lotions, so I'm kind of getting a buzz right now. Did you see on House of Highlights?

Yes, probably, but continue. The surprise party that an elementary school did for the janitor? Is that the one where they give him Jordans and he starts crying? No. He did cry. They did it in a kind of mean way where they were like, hey, this kid took a shit at the gym. Like, come clean this up. So they surprised him by luring him there with a sad part of his job.

And then a huge party. He's like, this is the guy that cleans the shit. He showed up to clean shit, everyone. But it was all these kids and he cried. I don't know why it was on House of Highlights. It shouldn't have been there. But House of Highlights is basketball highlights and also kids just sort of being nice to their teachers sometimes. Yes.

But that didn't feel like a prank. No. The kids weren't like, blah. Yeah, prank seemingly connotes negative. Yeah. Hayes was involved in a surprise party for me once. It was at his house. Yeah.

You guys ever had a surprise party thrown for you? I'd say that's pretty involved. I gave up my house for it. I have, yeah. You have? Yeah. Were you surprised? I was surprised.

I was like a little weird. It was like, you know, back in New York like 10, 12 years ago. Oh, you knew each other. Maybe so. I should have been there. It was like, it was one of those things where it's like, wait, one second, let's stay at this restaurant for like 20 minutes. I was like, all right, let's come here. I'm like, you're acting weird.

Like you knew. Yeah. It was like tipped off. Was yours a complete surprise? I was totally shocked. I mean, I had been invited to Hayes's to watch a movie. And that's the first one. You remember?

I don't think, I don't think we had picked something out. We had it. If it's you. You should have known. There was a range of. A couple of different movies. Yeah. It was like maybe one of these.

And I, because I think if there was a specific movie, I actually would remember because I would have been disappointed that I wasn't watching the movie because I would have been really specifically looking forward to it. Was it your party? Was it your birthday? It was my birthday. My wife had organized it with, with the help of Hayes and she like picked me up. I was doing something else and then, and then we drove to Hayes's house and I was expecting

to walk in and he was like, I got a new projector screen. We're all going to watch a movie. And I walked in and there's like 40 people that all shouted surprise and. I'm going to say it was as many as 60. 60 people. Yes. And I swear to God, my first thought, and this maybe illustrates how stupid I am. I went, oh, there's a surprise party for someone.

Like I could not connect it to myself. It was your actual birth date? It was like a day before or after. Yeah. It was just like, oh, you guys accidentally screened it for me. Yes. Not this many people like me. I was like, is there someone behind me who's getting surprised with a party now?

What, what crazy timing? Like I just couldn't, and I was scanning faces. It was really, uh, so disorienting. It was a satisfying reaction for you. I was shocked. I mean, I was like. I started smiling and were you eventually happy? It was, I was really waiting for the big reaction.

I didn't quite get it. Yeah. It was kind of like, okay, because he never wants to show too much. I don't have it. I don't, there's not much in there. I'm not suppressing. It just doesn't exist. We had a casino night.

Oh, well. It was fun. That's really nice. Yeah, it was fun. Do you like planning parties? Was this a fun experience planning? No, we haven't had one since then. It was just like kind of stressful having that many people, but we had just moved into this

place so the house was like kind of empty, so that made it a little easier to do. And I don't want to steal the credit for planning from my wife either. I don't. And when you asked you like planning parties, maybe you say co-planning parties or something. Yeah, that's right. It was right. Grace was super involved. It was obvious.

She was. So, all right. Can you ask again? Just so we have that. Did you and Grace enjoy finding it? Well, how would you know her name? I don't know. I feel like we're not going to edit this podcast.

We'll get it. We'll get it. Let's get it. Let's get it authentically though. Let's get it clean. Did you enjoy co-planning the party? With who? Sorry.

No, I'm like chiming in. All right. Did we actually discuss it or not? She gets so mad at me. We said stage emergency. Yes, that's right. And somebody is going to learn a lesson one way or the other. Even if he kills the actor, what better way to teach him that you should not be doing

all these drugs? I have one more option. You know that we make some sharper. What's your one more option? If you can't beat them, join them. Oh, hell yeah. Hey, brother. Have you been sober for how long?

14 years. All right. Let's take a break. We'll come back and answer some more questions with Sean and Hayes after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow.

That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really

easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant.

We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame.

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. It's a really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames.com. Okay.

Go get your parents something. All right. Code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp.

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Hey, guys, do you have any on solicited advice? Sorry about that. Do you have any on solicited advice? What was the end? Since that is the question, the song was the question, I didn't quite hear the words at the end and I just want to make sure I'm not missing it. It was this like weird little passing thing we did once. It was like, I don't even remember what it is actually.

I say on solicited advice and then there's a guitar riff and then you say something. It's like, mom, I'm coming or something. Okay, sounds like that is what it is. What I heard, I heard, mom, I'm coming. Okay. So that, yeah, that is what it is. So now we have two people. And he's closer to the laptop.

And you know what? Now that I think about it, it is that because I did say that once and they, they grabbed it and they used it against me and they put it in the song and now it's there for sure. Why did you say it once? I said it once as a joke, like, like I was fucking my mom, but like as a goof, obviously. The way you said it, that was so, like, what were you practicing? What were you picturing? You said it a lot.

Like she walked in on me masturbating. Yeah, or not even that she walked in, but that she had been in the room the whole time. Got it. I appreciate this very quick story that I told on our basketball Patreon that I have a friend who is at basketball camp at Providence College and was masturbating in his bunk and then the door opened. Austin Crozier. Jeff Van Gundy is standing in the doorway and now he can't watch NBA on ABC without

coming because it's just a Pavlovian response to his bald head. When he was assistant coach, so he was like running the basketball camp and he was about to yell at him to, like, get to practice. So if you could make sure, like, yug Jeff Van Gundy. Thin hair. Yes. It's not even fully bald yet. Watching my friend on the verge.

He, like, fully walked in on him doing it? Swung the door all the way open and my friend is in full view. Stan, you gotta come in here. Stan, check this kid out. He's coming. I have some unsolicited advice, a great product that has really been life changing in my household. My wife is a freaking tea freak. She's addicted.

A freaking vegan. To the sweet leaf. Not that, that's a brand. She just loves not sweet leaves even in particular. Angel's lettuce. What do you call it? Mighty leaf. That's good.

That's another brand. Yeah. And what she'll do off, she's like very easily distracted so she would put a pot of hot water on and then like leave the house and so then it would just destroy the pot. There's like steam set off the fire alarm or whatever is bad. We got one of these hot water heaters where you just flip a little switch. It's way faster and no damage to anything. Any brand or anything that you recommend of it?

You fucking sell out. I could hear the brand. My wife actually uses one of those as well. Okay. Do either of you know which one you use? I think it might be a Zojirushi or what? Okay. It's a Japanese word.

I don't know. It's like not that crazy. Is it metal or plastic? I mean I remember having like the plastic hot potty kind of one that you would use for like ramen or something. Ours is metal. I'm on Amazon. A Zojirushi is $250,000.

Awesome. I guess. It's big. It's really big. Yeah. It's like a tank for the, would normally be used to heat water for a house. I talked to my wife. She loves it.

It's a hot water heater basically. It's a hot water for that too. What is it called specifically? A hot water cooker? It's not a water cooker. An electric kettle? Electric? Electric kettle is the word.

I think that's right. Electric. Yes. A water cooker is good. You're like, oh cooking up some water. Now we're cooking up some water. It seems like we're past tea kettles. I'm hungry.

Can you just cook me some water, man? The rice maker is the same thing. It's something that like, it's borderline a pot but makes it slightly easier. So you should just get the rice maker. Yeah. But that's just, I hate that shit. Because then before you know it, you have like a kitchen full of shit that's only for one purpose.

Yeah. Like an avocado slicer. You can use a pot to cook many things including rice. But it can burn the rice. It can not, you can do the ratio right, correct? Rice is tough. But I use a Dutch oven now for basically every stove pot thing. It's great.

So now you're going, even with the tea, you're just Dutch opening it. Dutch oven and a cast iron pot, that's the bachelor patch, you don't need anything. I have a knife, then that doubles as a knife, a fork. And a plate. You eat your plate off the side of the knife. Just lick it off. I don't need a cutting board, I cut everything into my hand. A toothbrush.

You're describing being a hobo. I got a skillet and a piece of ragged metal. Instead of a house. Well, a skillet is go over your head when it rains. Of course. Yeah. Instead of an umbrella, I have a skillet. Or a house.

Sean, do you have any unsolicited advice? Yeah, I have a product that I've never used, that I think people will enjoy. Wow. I'm having. I've owned one and I need to replace it, actually, when I get my new car, because I left this in my own car. But anyway, everyone should look up this product. It's called the Trucker's Friend.

The Trucker's Friend. And it is. It is a flashlight. What else could that be? Ah, no, it's not. It's actually much dirtier than that. It looks like a scary axe. Yeah.

Something that you put in your car that is supposed to be in an emergency, you can use it to cut your seatbelt off or smash the window open if you were trapped. Or fucking beat somebody that's trying to steal your boomboxes out of the back of your truck. It's this big, heavy axe. I think that my friend at one of the jobs I had had ordered for his car, and then he was like, I just feel more comfortable having this. And then he talked, maybe he bought one for me, either that or he just convinced me and

domed to both buy them. But then I've had it under the front seat of my car for, you know, seven years now. Just waiting for the fucking boom. Have you ever used it? Never have used it ever for anything. Not even brandished it. There's something about having it. Well, I've put my hand on it before because one time I was driving and somebody cut me

off, like pulled out of a parking lot and like almost hit my car and I laid on the horn and they put their hand out the window and waved at me and then flipped me off, like turned the wave, friendly wave into a middle finger. And then I turned the same way they were going after the stop sign. I think they thought I was like following them to start something. And they pulled over to the side of the road immediately like diagonal and the dude jumped out of the car and started like pounding his chest and like coming at me. And I was driving by, but my hand just drifted down beneath the seat to the handle of the

trucker's friend, which I guess I was going to use to chop him up. But I just drove away like he couldn't get in my car or anything. He pulls out his trucker's friend, you really time it right. A guy gives you the finger and he could fucking lose that finger. Oh yeah. Throw in the trucker's friend. But I think people should have it. Holy shit.

You really are my friend. You should get trucker's friend and truck nuts for your car. And then you can fucking castrate your truck nuts with your friend. Yeah. You're like hanging like nuts, like human nuts on the back of your trucker that you just sliced off of your trucker's friend. Coming soon to HBO, I guess. I don't know.

What channel does this show land on? We'll figure that later. That's Cinemax. That's Cinemax. Absolutely. They got to go for it a little more than HBO. They got to dive in. I'm on Home Depot, the Pro Hammer Axe Multidimensional Tools, what it's called there.

It has one star review. Just a one star. Did anybody write anything? What's that? Did anybody write anything in the review or they just gave it the one star? I didn't know this in advance, but the pictures shown are the real trucker's friend, which is made in the USA. But what I received is the Off-Grid Tools Hammer Axe, which is made in China.

Had I known ahead of time, I never would have ordered it and I expect better from Home Depot. It's not that they were upset with the product itself. That's right. They are upset with the product itself, but they love the trucker's friend is what this review tells me. That's right. It would have been so easy to buy the trucker's friend that.

They knew what they wanted and they knew the difference. They thought this generic equivalent was made in the USA, but instead it was made in China. He's disappointed, frankly, and he wants the refund from Home Depot. I'm going to reply. Do you guys have a minute? Can you do that? It turns into a chat of sorts with this guy named Matt. No, I can't reply, unfortunately.

We'll have to reach out to him a different way. All right, let's answer one more question before you guys have to get out of here because honestly, I'm pissed off, but this is a 19-year-old from Ireland, Sean, back to you. Casual name. I can't stress how casual this has to be. Okay, so just normal, nothing funny or crazy and doesn't have to be a teacher or minor anything. Yeah, and more importantly, the fact that you come up with it quick.

And it's fast. Yeah, exactly. That's the ideal. It's almost immediate. Yes, fast. Boom. Does he have to use the Irish thing? He doesn't have to, but it's a nice way to color the character.

Yeah. So a 19-year-old from Ireland. Mr. Q. Another pool shark. Got it. Got it. Just the Q man again. No, he's from Q Gardens.

Oh, man, and Mr. Q, that is like a buddy comedy pool shark movie. From Q Gardens, Ireland writes, here's the thing, every year around the end of January, the school smoke show holds an indoor pool party. Yeah. Though there is an indoor pool, it's mostly just people from our school and their shirts off drinking beer. A pool party in Ireland is so funny because the weather is so shitty, they have to have it indoors.

That's right. God, everyone must be so pale. It's cloudy and rainy and everyone's thick and white. I went there for the first time this year and let's just say I was in good shape. I was hitting the gym three or four or five times a week, eating right and playing racquetball for about a year and a half prior to the event. I was leading a Gangnam style life. Do you guys remember that song?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's my song. The C-Bells from 2014. At the party, the girls loved me. They were feeling my abs and talking about my workouts and being really flirty. The smoke show and all her smoke hoes said I had the best body there. But that summer, I kind of fell out of routine. I wasn't eating healthily and I started drinking.

Nothing too insane, but in Ireland, we enjoy drinking beer. I started to lose my abs and then my pecs, my grades dropped and I failed my end of year exams. I repeat the year. When I went back in September, talk of the pool party had already started and girls were talking about how they couldn't wait to see me there. I must be so jacked by now. So I kind of went along with it thinking I could go from smoke no to smoke show in five

months that I had. However, my parents insisted that I should be spending more time studying and less time at the gym and I haven't gotten any gym time in and I'm too out of shape to even slim down. I'm still big enough that I fill out my shirt, but not so fat that it's noticeable. You can only see when I take my shirt off. So what do I do? Do I take off my shirt and have everyone laugh at me ruining my reputation, which is already

scoured after I failed my summer exams? Or do I keep my shirt on and look like a tease or not go at all? I'm in a tough place here. My advice would be greatly appreciate it sincerely, Mr. Cube. This is so much so first of all, every episode of the show I have listened to, the show has evolved predictably into sort of like a lame penthouse forum where guys make up stories about just kind of like girls liking them a little bit or like having sex one time or whatever.

That's right. And how can he let them all down? Yes. He's too old to be in high school. He is 19. You're not supposed to be in high school anymore. I don't know how this shit goes down in Ireland. He's doing his old levels or whatever now.

Yeah. With Ireland, who can know how they do things over there? So does this resonate? What's your guys' level of fitness? Are you in shape, out of shape? Do you vacillate between the two? Do you take pride in it? Do you not care about it?

I mean, I run a little bit. I don't work out super actively. Sean is a gym rat. I've a little bit fallen off of my routine for a while. I think when Hayes met me, I was in pretty incredible shape. And I could show you guys a photo of my torso from back then. I'd love to see that actually. That sounds great to me.

Would you say you were cut or jacked? I don't know. It's tough to say. You want to see the picture? Yeah. Okay. Hang on. Well, it's your photo background.

Yeah, you didn't have to pull it up. Let's just talk about it. Yeah. So anyway. Well, how did you get in such good shape? Well, I was a big tennis player in high school and I would work out and I played tennis all the time. So the racquet ball.

I was pretty fit. The racquet sports strategy seems to be, I wouldn't think that that's a way to get like super cut. I never look at Federer. I'm like, wow. That guy is jacked. You see Nadal though? Yeah, Nadal's jacked.

But he's the exception to the rule. I don't see him all the time. I never see abs. He definitely has abs. He doesn't have pecs. Yeah. And I never really had great pecs and that's the truth. This is just a lower torso pic.

Just lower torso. No, no, no. That's not true. That's not true. It's actually just your dick. I can see. You're scrolling through a lot of options. Hang on.

We'll find it. Because I did send it to, he's in some friends in a text not that long ago. Hang on. Is that true? This was in a text chain with the dough boys. Yes. I don't remember how this came up at all. I don't remember seeing the, I think I missed the picture in the chain, so I'm excited to

see it now. Yeah. Hopefully I can find it. Elements of this story, the girls are saying in October, we can't wait till January to feel your abs again. That's unusual to me. And then did I keep the shirt on just to tease them as they tear it off his body? Maybe it's not that impressive, but here you go.

Here's what my body looks like at that time. Wow. That's really you. Yeah. So I was pretty in good shape. This is thick. Yeah. I was pretty thick and I was working out a lot and I also had a great, great diet.

Wow. Let's talk diet. How many pounds did you weigh at this point? This is talking about a tease. I'm waiting to see this fucking. I was probably a little bit less than I am right now. Right now I'm probably about 185. I think at the time I was probably like 178 or something.

The lat definition here is really something and the biceps, your biceps are big. So how old is that photo? That is from I would say 2010. The photo quality really locates it in time. Yeah. There's a little date at the bottom. Yes. Yes.

That was pretty. I guess that's an early iPhone photo. Yeah. Yeah. So, and I do remember taking a pic being like, I should take a pic, I'm in really good shape right now. Who took that pic? I did it with my like photo booth.

Oh my. On your laptop. On your laptop. Oh shit. And I think it was after a morning of plank tennis and immediately working out at the gym. Yeah. Now I've put on, I've put on a little bit of a tummy and I can't quite seem to beat

it. I can't get rid of it totally and I'm always carrying a little five extra pounds and I'd love to shake it. We could all do the indoor pool party challenge. Oh yeah. And with Mr. Q by end of January be ready to take our shirts off and get our abs felt at the indoor pool. Wow.

I know there's like a horde of Irish women who are like tearing the shirts off of any teases that are every day, every time they see you are doing like little grabby hands motions like, aren't we doing the January? That happened to me a lot when I was in shape is everyone wanted to grab my body. Yeah. They wanted to feel your abs, feel your body. I feel like whenever I'm working out a lot, it's more men that want to feel, I've never ever had like a girl like, oh my God, I need to touch your abs.

That guy will like put his hand on your shoulder and go like, hey, good to see you, man. And then go, hey, wow. Yeah. And start like sweet like, whoa, we're working out, huh? I've been asshole that does that a lot. I do that to everybody. Well, but it feels good to hear. I mean, you're, that's, you know, you're putting the work at night for someone to notice.

I will say I've been meaning to bring this up on our Patreon, but our third host, Carl Tartt, said something that just meant the world to me at a writing job we had together last year where I don't remember exactly how we got there, but Carl said to everyone in the room, don't sleep on Sean's arms now. Wow. And you'll never forget that. He had been noticing that I didn't have, you know, some big arms and he was like, we're all ignoring this.

Yeah. So he's like the school, the school smoke show of the story, who, the person you want to impress with your brother. And that's right. Is he, is he jacked? Carl? He's very strong. He's very strong.

Yeah. He was, I mean, he was a college basketball player. Oh, wow. That'll do it. Are you actively trying to lose the gut or are you like, hey, it's not happening accidentally? Well, I don't know how far we want to go into this, but actually I hurt my knee a couple years ago and I sort of had to stop running. I had gotten into pretty good shape doing a lot of like circuit training stuff and I

no longer could do like really high impact running. At least the doctor was like, don't, don't run anymore for six months or something. So I stopped and then I transferred to doing like elliptical and bike and I just could not seem to get the same like sweat going and I can't get that high intensity. Yeah. So it didn't feel like I could burn fat really. And so I still with weights and go to the gym and do that stuff. And I've recently added Pilates, which I really like.

I know that it's a traditionally considered to be a woman's workout, but I'm quietly interested in Pilates. I haven't done it. LeBron does it. LeBron does it. And I, and because of that knee injury, I really wanted to be able to get back out and play tennis again. Cause I feel like that's a fun way that I could burn this fat off.

And I realized that Pilates builds all your structural muscles like around your knees and your postural muscles so that you, you have fewer like back and leg injuries if you get into it. So I've been trying to keep up with that. Yeah. You never see LeBron slouching. He's never like crouched like a question mark over his iPhone, sort of like mouth breathing, checking out what to order on.

Which is all I do. You've had to LeBron lying in bed for like an hour after he wakes up, just scrolling through the, uh, it instantly ignoring the warning that he's used Instagram too much today. Hitting the screen time that you don't even see the screen time warning anywhere because your thumb just instinctively is wiping it out. I got to get out of bed. What are your guys routines, Jake and Amir?

What do you guys do? Uh, I climb at the climbing gym right next door. Oh, that's cool. That's good. I work out with my buddy Billy who's really jacked. He's like been working out since like he was 15 and he's 35. So when I go to the gym, I try to go with him and then he's like, cause when I go by myself, I'm like, all right, I'll do three bicep exercises and like two chest and I'm

starting to feel sore. So I'll, you know, do some sit ups. Billy scoff, Uri. Body by Billy. With Billy, it's like, all right, let's do another one. Let's do another one. Let's do another one. It's like stuff that I would never actually push myself to do, which helps a lot.

Yeah, that can be really good. Yeah. It helps to have somebody stronger than you telling you what to do or in any class or something we'll do that to where they make you do legs and stuff that you don't want to do. Yeah. Spinning classes. Working out by yourself, biking, but it's so high intense that like I've, I'm always

leaving drugs. Oh man. I love that. I got to spend with my wife a few times. It's fucking great. Going into rowing too, which is, which is another way that I do feel like I burn myself out really hard. So I think they do it as an element in some classes.

Yeah. Have you guys ever done a versus the climb class? That's what LeBron does that too. The climb. I've seen the machine. Yeah. It looks like a rowing machine. Sort of like tilted vertically.

Yeah. It's like fake climbing. And also stairs. Uh, I mean, there's like, it's sort of like, I guess it, it simulates going up and down on a ladder, but you like change the resistance, uh, similar to like, uh, a bike machine. So you're like pushing and pulling with your feet and your arms and you can like make the resistance go way down and do it super fast or really, really high. I had a, I had a cold this week.

You think LeBron ever just has the sniffles? You think he goes like, I'm not going to work out. I don't feel 100%. Yeah. But didn't you have like this? I should. I need time to recover. Yeah.

You never see him like sneeze at the line. Like he's just like dribble. He's just like coming out of his nose. Yeah. I haven't seen it. I guess really any player. I can't try to remember. So I can't answer your question.

My throat is really sore. Any free throw sneeze? No. I don't think I've ever seen one. Or if it's like, what about a game winning shot? Yeah. He had the flu, but people were saying that was a hangover game and he, you never see him.

You never saw him sneeze. You never saw him blow his nose. You basically never see them sneeze out there or have the hiccups. Just a game winning three. Oh, shit. I had the yips. What Markel Foltz had last year. He had the hiccups for a long time.

Yeah. That's why he didn't play. What is this guy's question? How do I go to a pool party? He's going like, what do I do? Do I, do I skip it? Do I leave the shirt on and be considered a tease, which I'm really leaning towards. A parkour.

Yeah. He should like almost take it off and be like, no, it's a little chilly in here. I think I might keep it on. The girl's like, no. A wetsuit. So one of those options is like leaving the shirt on, but then it's definitely, it's it's him projecting what he thinks people will interpret it. Yeah.

Well, that's all of the email. Yes. That's true. Like if I leave my shirt on, I'll be considered a tease. No, you also might be, like people might just think that you got fat and you're too embarrassed to take off your shirt. Which is possible. Way more likely than people thinking he's a tease.

Which happens. Do you guys do anywhere diets, by the way, too? Like Carl was doing keto. I'm thinking about trying to keto. Yeah. I know people like it. My brother-in-law does it. Jake does a lot.

Like every two weeks is on a different diet. Yeah. Well, for the last six months, I did no grains, no added sugar, no carbs and no dairy. That's a lot. Yeah. I lost 20 pounds. Oh my God. Wow.

And that since my wedding, I've been like introducing grains back in, but still keeping out sugar. Yeah. I try to really limit sugar. At the time that that photo was from, I lived alone and so I was able to completely control my environment and I bought no sweets or anything. There was nothing in the house that was, and then now that I'm married, it's a little easier about it.

Jake, what was it about committing to sharing a life with someone that made you reintroduce grains? Wow. Well, I think when we got engaged, I think both of us were just like, we want to be like in ridiculous shape for the wedding. Yeah. Just be like, Jack, I want to bench you down the aisle. I had the lamest vision was me buttoning my tuxedo shirt over a rippling eight pack.

That is like all I wanted. The poster above is bold. What a beautiful dream. Was she there? Was Jill part of the wedding? No, it was black and white wedding photos. But your friends are in the room with you. Yeah, my friends are in the room with me and that was all I wanted.

And then how did Jill look like in your fantasy, like on the wedding day? She's not there. My abs were ravishing. Yeah, that's all that mattered. Your best man is helping you tie your bow tie, but you're not wearing anything else. The only thing you can see from Jill is she's like peeking through the doorway and her eyes are saucers. She's like, oh my God, those abs.

She's that drop of drool hits the ground and reveals her to you. And you did lose a lot of weight before your wedding. Yeah, I had abs on my wedding day. But was it sustainable? Were you happy? Like did the happiness of having your body outweigh the happiness that like eating cereal gives you? Absolutely.

So why did you stop? I guess. You fucking coward. That's my question. Why did you stop your little coward man? It does feel good. It does feel good. You little coward man.

It does feel good. But it does feel good. So this feels like a mere little jealous of out here getting married. Honestly, the reason I started. You lost your old buddy back. The reason I introduced grains again is because I saw photos and I was like, I think I look too skinny. Oh, too skinny.

Yeah. I was a little too thin. So now I want to, I just like want to bulk up. So you're not, I'm not giving up on my fitness. You're not eating grains because it feels good. You're doing it for your body again. It does feel never ending though, doesn't it? Like after like a week where you work out four times and you're just feeling like your

most in shape ever, you go like, was this the rest of my fucking life? I'm supposed to do this? Like I can't, like no way. Yeah. It's more the working out that has fallen off than the diet because leading up to my wedding, I was working out twice a day and I remember just being like bored with, bored with working out. It's also like, as you work out for years and years and like some people may not even

notice at all. Like it's so much effort for like, what's the output? Like sometimes somebody will see you topless maybe and they'll be like, oh, you're actually pretty strong. Whereas like, you can eat whatever you want. You do feel good. It is the mental part, the emotional part. Like when I quit smoking, I didn't know, I used to smoke like a pack a day and I didn't

realize cigarettes made me feel that bad, but when I stopped, I couldn't believe how much I felt good now. And it's similar with working out where it's like, I don't think of like eating sweets or anything as like making me feel shitty, but I feel so much better when I am like super healthy. When you're not eating, but it's when you're eating it, it feels good. And then like for the next few hours, you don't feel as good, but it just tastes so good as the problem.

Well, a good advice for this guy, he didn't even raise the possibility of him getting in shape by the end of January in the abs. Which is possible. Yeah. Sure. You could follow the Jake body by Jake. Yeah. How long did it take you to lose 20 pounds?

Three months. There we go. There you go. He's right on time. And that includes your beloved Guinness, which I know you're eating for breakfast. Christ. You pour it on your lucky charms over there in Ireland. The cool races.

The dumbbells are going to be so pissed about this episode. Yeah. Have you guys done the dumbbells? I did do the dumbbells, but I didn't give them this much juice. They don't deserve it. How about real quick around the horn? What would you do if you were this guy of those three options? The three options are A, tease him, B, please him, and C, freeze him.

Oh, that's where you break all the walls in the indoor pool so it's too cold outside. Everyone put on big parkas. You look cool for just wearing a t-shirt. I have a quick answer of if I were you, sir, Mr. Q. Let's hear it. I would just say that I had been working out three to five times a week and not say three or four or five times. Oh, I see.

That's good. It's just cleaner. It's just a really sharp tip. Three or four or five. That's like three commas in there. All right. What would you do if you were them? Would you go?

Would you not? Would you? I guess I would go. Did you take your shirt off? Yeah, I think so. I'm with that. Go take your shirt off. Own your new body.

If I was as mentally unwell as this person and my perception of how people were interpreting me was as demented as it seems to be, I would not go because it's not healthy. The most chilling part is I still fill out my shirt, but not with muscle, but with fat now, which means just he's testing exactly how much he's filling up a shirt. It hasn't torn yet. You must have a Ricky Gervais-type wardrobe where he's got a shirt that's giving him shape. Yeah.

Because there's a thin or should I say thick line between being beefy and strong and just fat. They sort of start to meld into the same type of body. That's what I'm hoping. God, I can't wait. All right, guys, thank you so much for coming on the show. Thanks for hours. Kim, we haven't had you on before.

My thoughts exactly. This felt easy. One more time, your shows, your podcast, where can people listen to you too? Hollywood Handbook. Please. Everywhere you get a podcast. And we've been on that show, so you guys can start with us. A couple times, I think.

A couple times. You've been on twice. I've been on twice. Both funny. Yeah, no, both of them. The hardest I ever laugh is when we guessed it on your show. It's so fucking funny. It was really fun.

Those are both classic episodes. People still ask me online, like, were you really mad at those guys? It's a good performance. You do seem to be getting really frustrated, and Jake supports us in such a nice, subtle way. Or he's just like, I don't know, I'm here. Why don't you give it a shot? You seem to get so mad.

People think I'm legit mad at you guys, which I was, but I'm not anymore is what I'm trying to guess. Yeah, we're real. We've all got Patreons now. We're all rich. Yeah, it's fine. And then, oh yeah, your basketball podcast. The Flagrant ones.

The Flagrant ones on Patreon. You guys should come on my basketball show too. And vice versa. Yeah, I would love that. Let's exchange. Let's talk hoops. Let's talk b-balls. Jake, is there anything we need to say before we leave?

No. All right, great. Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back next week. The opening theme song was written by Calvin. This closing one, Calvin as well. This guy just keeps giving us the hits if you have any questions. Patients are suffering for it.

If you have any more questions or theme songs. Calvin's peeing on not doing music. Amir, I'm going to plug your basketball podcast for you. On my show? Yeah, the episode where you did the over-underdraft, I was jealous of that format of like a draft and bet. I was like, oh, this is a really cool, fun gamble. Oh, thank you.

I did it last year with my buddies just for fun, and it turned out really fun. What is the over-under? You basically draft, thanks for listening to it. It came out just the other day. You basically draft teams against the Vegas line. So I drafted the Lakers over, so I get points if they go over 48 and a half. And you get a point for every game they go over, and if you're wrong, you're subtracted points.

That's right. So if they finish with 40, I get a minus eight and a half, and it's the best cumulative score. Thanks for coming on the show and talking about my podcast. I was going to say, if you have any questions or theme song submissions, send them all to. If I ever use show at gmail.com, we'll be back next week. That was a hit-gum podcast.