If I Were You - 354: Hot Professor

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

In this episode we discuss pausing a romance, popping the question, and how to reheat french fries.For more "If I Were You" check out Patreon.com/JA for bonus video episodes.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, I would tell you what I would do, you should send an email to 2coinjuice, the J-Witches move out on Kobe too, making lots of jokes like no one does. So if you've got a seasoned cheese fence and the pitch will put your mind at ease, when the Gameboy wins the game, and John Wolfe is throwing down. I say it all down to Mondays, yes due to when it's a bonus Thursday. If I were you, show, if I were you, show, if I were you, show, if I were you, show dot If I were you, show, if I were you, show, if I were you, show, if I were you, show dot come Yeah, Shane O'Sullivan, that parody, the acoustic version of Jake hit him with a real song.

It's fucking killing me. I can't. It's on the tip of my ass, because it's a song you love, but it's an acoustic version of that song, which doesn't exist. And then also they changed the lyrics. Um, you'll like it. It's a Blinkwood 82 song. Yes.

Um. Oh my God. Stop laughing for a second. You're fucking me up. It's been 40 minutes. You really have to guess. If I were you, show. If I were you, show.

Oh, wait. Is it Josie? It is Josie. Yeah. Everything's gonna be fun. Oh my God. Now you gotta listen to it again with that. Oh man.

I love Josie too. That'd be a good cover, just an acoustic cover in general. It sounded really good. Yeah. It's a pretty song, isn't it? It really is an acoustic cover at this point. There's gotta be. There's an acoustic cover of everything.

What's the deal with Josie? What do you know about Josie, the song? Why is it called that? Because it should be called like everything's gonna be fine or something. They never say Josie, right? Right. I think it's theoretically about a girl named Josie. And it's like about his girlfriend.

Right. Takes collect calls from the road. Right. This is why I love this girl named Josie. But I don't think Josie was a real person. And I do believe in take off your pants and jacket, uh, the Blinkwood 82 album, uh, there is a song, I don't remember what it's called, but he, that's, but Mark says the name Josie. Oh.

He says, Josie, you're my source of most frustration. So he, at first he loved Josie. Yeah. They went sour. But I don't think that she was ever real. I think it's just some kind of like. There should be a story about all these girls from popular rap or rock and roll songs throughout the years.

Lila is a real person is Josie a real person. I believe it. The counting crows had, who is the, um, the counting crows have one. About a girl. Well, like it's, her name is in all of, all of the songs. Oh, and it's a fictional, um, a metaphorical, the, the royal girl. I think there is, there was like some article about like the real, I forget her name now. It's not Anna.

Is it? What about Layla? Is that a real person? Layla is a real person. Yeah. Uh-huh. Got me on my knees and all that. Isn't it like Clapton was trying to steal the wife of like some other rock star from

that time? Oh yeah. A beetle. Yeah. So Josie is Layla's daughter. Really? Yeah. I guess it's all in the same universe.

And that's how you can trace it all back to Eve. That's so cool. Yeah. Which is kind of biblical and interesting. Uh, we are two weeks deep into our Patreon now. Two weeks ago was our big announcement. Last week was our Hayes and Sean episode. This week we're three, three, uh, no, sorry, two weeks deep starting today.

We have five episodes plus the bonus dupes, two watch. We got people commenting. We got feedback. We got live streams. Thursday we dropped Milkman. Yeah. The Milkman two part. So Ben is watching Milkman part one and two with us and that's online too.

Now that it's up and running, what do you know? What do you like? Let's get some quick feedback. One, I think of every member of our Patreon as a true day one. Okay. Anyone who signs up after hearing me discuss it today is official day two. Oh, so you're going every two weeks is a day. That's right.

So we can change the tier name now. Yeah. To the day twos. Day twos. Fuck you. Okay. Just kidding, I still like you. You're still a day one in my heart.

How about day one at the end of today? At the end of the month. Okay. October 28th, this is coming out, I think October 28th and sorry, the 29th. Up until October, this is still a day one. Yeah. You can still be a day one. I think.

I mean, to me, the only, the most exciting thing about the Patreon is the new web series that we're going to do. Interesting. Yeah. The stretch goal. The stretch, stretch goal. Yeah. To drum up interest and excitement because we just know our fans would want to hear this

stuff. Yeah. But the goal is not to provide commentary on our old videos forever and ever. I mean, that's, it's really fun and I think we should, we won't stop doing it. We'll do all 800 and these episodes are like 15 minutes, really, they're fun to watch. We got some feedback and I think they're going to be even better moving forward. We're going to take more time to pause the videos. Yeah.

Discuss them in more in depth. Discuss, dissect. Show. I also think I said this to you on text, but like the first, in our first batch, I like went in purposefully cold, like having not seen any of the videos because I like, I want to like see my live reaction. Yeah. And I feel like I could serve the purpose of, of like the end product better going into

every video a little bit more of an expert. Right. If you read the scripts, maybe there's a rough draft. Maybe there's a, what did it look like originally or the email that you first sent that included that word. Yeah. There's also something fun about like when we find those, those emails, like you see who our producers were because we had like a few different producers.

Yeah. And they were the unfortunate ones in charge of getting the shit that we needed to shoot. And sometimes we're like, we don't need anything for this, but we do need a milkman outfit for Ben and it's like the day before we shoot. Yeah. I got it in the milkman episode that when Ben and us did these videos, it was very loosely scripted and it was just emails flying back and forth. We actually read the email chain during the milkman episode with Ben.

The email chain is the script and it is all just a batshit crazy brain drum from Ben and Ben alone. Yeah. At one point Ben suggests becoming the cottage cheese man and then he suggests being the doctor. Cottage cheese? Make it into the final one? No.

I don't think cottage, the cottage cheese joke did. But we were reading these scripts and we're reading these outlines and we're reading these brainstorms and you can see how far away they are from what we ended up shooting. Yeah. I was, I definitely, I remember having the idea to push Jeff like totally randomly and we're just like, Jeff, can we push you for this video? Right. Okay.

And now it's like one of the more famous, Jake and Amir Gifts is like the one that Ben gets sent a lot is Ben just shoving someone proudly at the beginning of that. It really is so funny. And then we talk about how like Stoney sort of took the video itself and then made it a song and now we can't even watch the video without thinking of that song. That Stoney song is what we came out to our first, on our first tour in London. That's right. And it's also what we came out to, what Ben walked on stage to when he surprised the crowd

in London. That's right. A few years later. Yeah. I don't know if I said that in the video, but I'm saying it now. And what was I going to say? The, listen, no, oh, I was saying one, we should have Stoney on the show to talk about the songs that he made and how the hell he made them.

That's true. Cause like when I'm watching the videos and you're like, no, no, no, no, listen up everybody. This is the guy that sucked my dick. Like you can't not hear the song. That's true. He took it and ran with it. And then I was thinking of what we can add because as of right now we hit our first goal of a thousand, hit our first goal of 2,500.

We have another one at 10,000, but in between the two different milestones to like help us get there. That's right. Videos that we can drop to keep people excited, engaged, entertained. And Mars just showed me, she took a video of my best man speech at your wedding, subtitled it. So it's kind of like lost archival footage. It's not incredibly sharp.

It's not incredibly clear. It's the caveat. But there is a video. There is a video with subtitle and you can hear my speech. I say we drop it in for the 5,000. I watched it. It was great. There we go.

And you were there live. And I was there and it held up. So let's drop it into the Patreon at 5,000 patrons. We released that to anybody that subscribed. Sweet. I also, my wedding photos just came in yesterday. I will upload the entire album. Cart Blanche?

Cart Blanche. Just black and white. Yeah. Real intimate. Real. Yeah. And a Boudoir book that you made. There's photos of all the speeches, but yours are especially funny because they're photos

of you giving your speech and then they're just photos of all around everybody dying laughing. Oh, that's great. And then there's a photo of me with Jill cracking up and my head is just in my hands. Your speech was essentially a roast of me. Yeah. I tried to make it not as roasty, but I could not make it too roasty. No.

I mean, on second watch, I realized that you lay into me, and you know, in a roast you usually are like, you lay into somebody and you're like, you end on a high note. But no one's better than Jake. He's like, you know, whatever. You say none of that. Yeah. The one nice thing you say at the end is about Jill. I wanted to make sure she was happy on her special day.

Yeah. But no apology. No apology. Yeah. Well, when we get to $5,000, you guys will see for yourself. We can actually upload those photos every time you do a post. I'm learning about Patreon. You can upload photos to a company of it, so maybe we can upload some private wedding

photos as well. Oh, very nice. All of the ones of us getting ready. Yeah. Oh, did we ever talk about the Grooms gift that I gave you guys? No. I don't know if we did. Yeah.

But they're good photos of that too. For the Grooms gift, I got all of my Grooms men. Well, save it for the Patreon. Really? At 7,000, we do the reveal. Every single patron has a grand reveal. Every number is a goal. If we get to 11,000, we'll start the new web series and I'll give you a Grooms gift.

No, you could say what the groups go, sorry. So I got everybody cuff links in the form of their spirit animal. That's right. I got Carnell a frog because I had already gotten him bear cuff links. I know he's a mama bear, but him and I had texted each other lots of gifts of frogs for some reason. He's also a huge Trump supporter, so he's got that pet of frog. I got Dave a pig because he's the most melly with the most belly.

Of course. I got Jeff a fox because he's sly and sexy, but also a little furtive, secretive, shy like a fox. My brother a tiger because he just likes Bengali beer. He is strong and fierce like a tiger. I got myself a hawk because that's my favorite bird and I got you a tiny little chipmunk. Why was that? I didn't quite understand the chipmunk part of it.

Yeah, I guess it's not really the spirit animal as much as you're a chipmunk, so I just got you something to represent you. I'm not really a chipmunk and I don't really consider myself to be a chipmunk. I think it's fun that you, I guess it's part of the mystique, part of the charm that you could consider yourself a real boy. Yeah. I mean, I don't consider myself a real boy. I'm an adult man, a male, obviously walking, talking.

Where do you buy your, like you're wearing shorts right now. Where do you buy your clothing from? I buy them from wherever I get. I got this one at maybe a sporting goods store that are like running pants. I'm just wondering because like male pants have like just two leg holes in the waist. That's what I have. What do you do for your tail? Your sweet little bushy tail.

Your adorable little fluffer tail. I did do this. I did slit a little hole in the back, but it's not because I have a tail. I do, okay. I have a, what's called a pronounced coccyx, so like it looks like I had a tail removed. Is it fuzzy? Yeah. It's a little bushy, like kind of like a bump.

All right. It's kind of like a bushy little bump. Okay. And when I'm excited, it like, yeah, exactly. Okay. Cool. So that's why I got you this cufflinks. I got it.

I like them a lot. Yeah. They're cute. All right. So thanks to everybody that signed up for our Patreon so far. We appreciate the feedback. Thanks to everyone who's been weighing in, helping us groom and make it better so we can know what to provide you with.

And again, at 5,000 patrons, we're dropping that best man speech. Yeah. And I don't care who knows it. We make a post today about suggestions for content that we can put in there. Yeah. So if you're listening to this now and you want to weigh in and let us know what you'd like to see. Yeah.

It's kind of like a new forum in there. You can post and people can respond and we can respond to their responses. Yeah. It's a little bit like Reddit in that regard. Have you thought about the new web series at all? No. I know that I lean towards almost like super hyper realistic mockumentary type stuff, which we haven't really done before.

All our stuff is very like stylized and like character rich. But imagine if it was like shot almost like the office or something. What would that look like? Confessionals. Yeah. Confessionals. Like I like stuff that seems real even though it's not, you know what I mean? Like almost like, wait, is that accurate?

Like are they acting right there? And we'd be in it. Yeah. We'd be the stars of that mockumentary type show. Could be an angle to do. Bloring the lines even further. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

So like everything I've said so far has been scripted. Right. Do you know that? Yeah. Yeah. I'm reading the same script. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm reading the same script. All right. Here we are. Let's read some questions. This is an advice show. After all, people are sending us emails. They're in sticky situations.

They're in need of our guidance, our wisdom, our advice. We do our best to provide it. Again, on our Patreon is a 30 minute bi-weekly every other week video version of this podcast. But we're never, ever letting go of this free version. Yes. So why don't we get into this really salacious question from a 21 year old female who's in love with her professor in his early thirties. Early thirties.

That's my age, man. That's right. We'll call this lady Zinda. Why not Josie? Josie's good actually. Yeah. Because I was going to say Zindal. Zindal.

But doesn't that make sense? Yeah. No. Josie writes. I'm going to try to do this all in one breath. You said it was really long. Yeah. It's like several paragraphs.

Ready? Okay. God. I can't even say a sentence without a really deep breath. College started back up in the beginning of September and I was obviously pretty bummed out since I fucking hate school. You get that? Sure do.

Dropped out, maybe. However, two days in, I went to my first chemistry lecture of the year and the professor was the sexiest man I have ever seen in my fucking life. Now I know it's cliche and hard to believe, but he was so unbelievably gorgeous. Like Theo James, but I'd argue even more attractive. Do you know who Theo James is? I just Googled him and I do. Who?

He was in the Divergent series. Okay. It's not really something you would know. It's one of those flame action movies that I watched when I've watched literally every other action movie I've possibly seen. What does he look like? Does he look like? Jonathan Brandis kind of style.

Does he have like a Bieber mentality or is he like a hot sort of like a Matthew Fox meets Ben Affleck pronounced chin chiseled beard? I think he's Bieber meets Affleck in a way. He's got these, the kind of like kissable lips. Oh, I see. He's sort of a Taylor Lautner type. He's a little taller. He's lankier.

Yeah. I don't know that he's super hot. Like he looks kind of off to me, you know? Anyway, so she's in love with her professor. I couldn't believe that he was my professor. I could hear girls talking about how hot he was and I felt like I was in an anime or something. I don't know if that happens in anime, question mark. So she feels like she's in an anime, even though she doesn't know that this happens

in anime. Totally. But like the idea of school girls giggling at a cute professor just feels anime to her. That makes sense. Oh, wow. Theo James is the same age as me. Exactly. Not exactly.

He's a little older. So what? You have time to catch up or something like... I don't need to catch up. Oh, you think you're hotter than Theo? Not hotter, but as hot. As hot. Got it.

As hot as. Hot as, mate. Hot as, mate. Anyway, we thought we'd get through the lecture, but some of it wasn't sticking with me. So I decided to hold back after the class and ask the professor some more in-depth questions. Honestly, I wasn't trying to fuck. He was way out of my league. But much to my surprise, he felt almost maybe kind of flirting with me.

He was making a lot of jokes and touched my shoulder a few times. So scandalous. It's the next week, which was a lab. It alternates between labs and lectures weekly, and I show up ready to go. It was partner work, but I unfortunately got stuck with no partner since everyone pairs up quickly. I found myself falling behind everyone else and struggling with some aspects. The professor noticed amongst the essentially sea of students and came to my rescue.

He helped me set up my slides and taught me how to adjust the lens on my microscope. All that fun stuff. He then repeated the same as last time, making a lot of jokes, placing his hand on my back this time. I thanked him for his assistance and then sneakily watched as he went to the other students. And he wasn't being nearly as friendly with them and was being much more matter of fact and to the point. So I start to think that maybe he thinks I'm cute or whatever.

I have guys hitting on me often and people in my life seem to think I'm not ugly. Shocking to me. I'm humble, winky emoji. I decided to see where this goes and I asked him to come back for more help. He is being very friendly and I start switching the topic to non-chemistry related things. He asked what my plans are for the weekend and I conveniently have none. I sort of expected him to ask me out at this point since historically that's the follow up question.

But he doesn't. So I make a comment about how we should do something together, more of a joke, but again I'll take what I can get though he is out of my league. He says that he would love to but he's out of town that weekend. I leave it at that so as to not come across as pushy. You get it so far, right? Yeah. Flirting.

Chemistry is at an all time high. I want to say enough. Literally, very nice. And now he's asking her what she's up to this weekend and he's like, sorry I can't hang out. I'm out of town. The following week's class is the flirting ensues. At this point he knows my name and he almost goes out of my way to greet me when I walk through the door.

It's been six or seven weeks at this point. We're basically married. Note that he does not do this with the other students. Oh, I bet she notices that very clearly. It's now reading week which is a week off and it's Friday night. I'm going to go get fucked up with my two friends at a new bar and club that I've never been to. In fact, I had never been to a club before last night.

We walk in and start drinking a little bit, eating some delicious deep fried pickles which is classic club fare. So hot. It's grinding. You want that oily sourness. I'm scanning the crowd, trying to see if there's any cute boys I could gush about to my friends when I see my fucking professor. Theo James.

Theo James. I start freaking out. My friends are freaking out. They keep pushing me to go talk to him but that would be fucking weird so I just pretend like he's not there and I order another drink, then another, then my friends order some more. I am starting to get a little drunk at this point. In like 30 minutes I'll probably be very drunk.

My professor then somehow spots me and comes up to chat. I make a joke about how weird it is that one of my teachers actually has a life. He starts joking back. That's right. He keeps leaning into me to talk to me and he's speaking into my ear since the music and people are so loud and this gets me fucking going. I'm literally Niagara Falls wet. That's right.

How many metric tons of fucking liquid is that? I'm so certain now that this was written by the professor. Vodka makes me horny anyway but this sexy ass man whispering into my ear is making me drown. Oh my god. I try my... Anyway, I killed the entire bar. Everyone drowned.

Everyone surfed out. I try my best to be sexy and continue joking with him, getting more drunk. I figured he definitely likes me at this point and I try to seduce him by asking if he wants to go to the washroom with me. I'm cringing so hard as I type this I want to die. Please know I'm not typically like this. He again laughs but brushes me off. I assume he's just being gentlemanly and I let him know that he doesn't have to be by

putting my hand around his neck and head and then leaning in to say this to him. I'm being serious. I really want you. Then I lean up to make out with him. Oh pickle breath. I get as far as my mouth touching his and he pulls away. He looks really horrified and I feel fucking stupid. As I type this my face is so fucking red I'm going to puke from embarrassment.

I drunkenly apologize then stumble back to my friends literally crying from shame. My friends start dying laughing and I pout at the table for the rest of the night. I am now just fucking dreading the fact that I ever have to go back to class. So here are my questions. How do I proceed with this? Should I avoid him or bring it up next time I see him? Do you guys think that it seems like he's interested in me? Thank you for reading this again.

I love you guys. Good luck with the Patreon too. Wow. What a tale. So what do you make of all this? I think he was horrified based entirely on the deep fried pickles. Oh you think he is into her? That's the thing.

She definitely came onto him in a very cringy way. Like strong. She didn't close correctly but I think all signs were pointing to the fact that he was into her. He was definitely flirting with her. He's definitely like making moves to come over to her at the bar. I mean I think that he might have just pulled away because he didn't want to kiss you publicly. Oh you think he's a public figure.

Like if he has other students at the bar, yeah of course. So you say he still might be into her. Quick caveat. I don't know what the rules are at college and if this is like creepy as fuck or not. I think it's legal and I think it's based on certain colleges not even fireable. Then again I'm basing this on my friend who's a professor at a Canadian university. So he tells me in Canada it's fine, I don't know the rules in America. I do remember that Kelly dated her professor on Save by the Bell.

Was it Jeff? I think so. Because you know it's of legal age, 21 and 30 something. So the age itself is not a thing. They're also not boss and employee so it's not like a workplace harassment sort of thing. But I would say it's a gray area and maybe that's what's causing him to pull back a little bit. Even if it's like fine at the college, I think there's still like the social aspect of it

where he doesn't want to be seen as like a teacher who's hooking up with students. Is he a straight up teacher? Not like TA or anything? Yeah, professor, professor. Yeah. I mean that's a pretty cool job for a hot person. But I don't think that's like you can go to the bars and hook up with your students. Yeah, level.

And maybe you were wasted and he wasn't as well. Right. He was very drunk. I think I stand by that you guys were flirting, trending towards hooking up and you just made it a little too hot at the end. You accelerated and didn't time it quite right. Yeah. What do you think about this for a plan?

You go back to class, you don't like avoid him, you don't make a big deal out of this. And you just sort of wait until the end of the semester. Then you see if he asks you out. If he doesn't, then you can ask him out. He's no longer your teacher, maybe the attraction is still there. You wait for him to do the work by asking you out and if he doesn't, then you can ask him out. I like that.

But the issue still stands of like she doesn't even want to go back to class. Yeah. She doesn't want to like walk into lab on Monday, not be able to find a partner. And then like the teacher comes and has to like, I don't know, that's very uncomfortable, which is why I think you go in, still wasted. Shit wasted. Yeah. In that dress.

Why pickles anyone? You assume she's British. Yeah. Yeah. I have a deep fried pickle in it. So you're still acting like you're in the club. You're talking loud as if there's loud music. I'm drowning in my vaginal fluid, mate.

Yeah. Help me. Can you show me where the microscopes are? Oh, I'll show you where a microscope is. So you're still talking as though you're a drunk British waitress at a deep house club. That's right. You're still wearing cocktail attire. Remember that bit that we were doing in London of a lady on her Hindu?

A 95 year old lady on a bachelorette party. I think it was a bachelorette party who got like trapped in some sort of like demon, ancient demons body. Yeah. She was cursed to an old woman's body for making fun of somebody on her Hindu. So in England, in the UK, a bachelorette party is called a hen-do. A hen-do. Yes.

So this character. There's a snack party. Yeah. And a hen-do. And a hen-do. So this lady has been cursed. She's now an 88 year old looking woman even though she's 26 on her hen-do. I was on my hen-do and I saw this old bugger and we made fun of her and then she swallowed

my soul. She cursed you. She cursed me to eternity, yeah. And now I'm on my hen-do forever and I'm in this wrinkled old body. You're like in stuck in a bachelorette party for- This is hell. It's hell-do. It's hell-do.

I thought it was a hen-do. That's our show. That's our new- That's the new Patreon web series. It's called Hell-do. That's not bad. And it's about a 98 year old who's stuck on a bachelorette party that will never end. And it's a mockumentary, super real.

That's right. He's in a Mavarite style all on an iPhone 4. iPhone 4? I'm on my hen-do. Do you think he seems interested in me? We do. But how do you get- go back to class? Do you avoid him?

Do you act cool? Do you act as cool as you possibly can? Yeah, I think there's no- you can't drop the class. Just pretend like nothing ever happened. Oh. And he's probably doing the same thing. Yeah, he doesn't want to bring it up either. Yeah.

I think there's a chance, a chance, that after you play it cool, he comes back and is like sorry about the other night. I just didn't want to kiss you in a big crowded bar. What if you act completely cool but your shirt says, I'm sorry? So it's kind of like a cheeky little nod. Oh, sorry. Like, hey, how's it going? Haha.

This weekend was weird, right? And her shirt says- It big block letters. I'm sorry. Yeah. That's interesting. It's cheeky. It's cheeky.

It's a perfect brand new. And do give us a follow-up up on this. I definitely want to see where it goes, especially if this dude is Theo Frickin' James. Not that I know what he looks like. Game over. All right, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors and we'll be back with more questions and answers after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, like, wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. Uh-huh. Four Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma.

Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to, like, stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo

frame. Yeah. How we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make

a joke of it. Oh. I was just being goofy a little bit, like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you.

The aura announcement. Uh, so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me, like, at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames.

That's A U R A Frames dot com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. It's on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A U R A Frames dot com.

Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Thanks, BetterHelp. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. It's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift.

Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. Oh, it's a lift. All right. I actually don't. But guess what?

What? We've got a special surprise guest caller. No. Yeah. How did you? Mama Bear. Nice. Mike Carnell is on the line on the horn on my phone.

Oh my God. If we did this right, we're also recording his voice. Mike Carnell, can you hear us? I can hear you loud and clear. Boys happy to be here. Do I have to pay the Patreon fee in order to keep going? Yeah, this is a master tier, actually. So that's going to be $24.99 a month.

Yeah, you can Venmo Jake directly. I hate for Patreon to get a cut of that money. Okay. Nice one. Venmo just came through, Mike. That is very generous. Wow. I love the content.

I love your entrepreneurial spirit. Happy to support you. Awesome. Well, thanks so much for calling in. We'll talk to you later. Wait. All right. Cool, man.

No. What is it? Why are we calling? What's your piece of unsolicited advice? Oh, my unsolicited advice. I'll give two. One, and this is something I'll pass on to my children as well. Don't order french fries delivery.

They never are good. They get soggy. You know, they put them in these styrofoam containers. It steams up. You're going to get a lot of condensation on the top of that lid. Yeah. That's going to transfer to your fries. It's always bad.

It's always bad. It's funny. You never see styrofoam anywhere. I mean, every time. It's a very poor way to store your fries. Just from people out there, I would say get a different side that might hold up upon delivery because I've been disappointed multiple, multiple times in my life with the quality of my fries.

Yeah. I think almost every time I've been disappointed, but I don't stop. No one's ever told me to stop till now because even a bad fry is pretty good. Well, I mean, in my other, you know, a small piece of that is if they are a little bit soggy, don't do the microwave because that water from that condensation is going to get into the fries and it's going to make them soggy. What you want to do is you're going to want to crisp those up in a saute pan. Oh.

This is a cooking podcast, right? Yeah. It is now. So you're pan frying. You're not even oven baking it. I've done the pan frying. You don't want to oven it. It takes forever.

Interesting. And Jake, I don't have to tell you that the same properties of the pizza crust, that's going to transfer over to the fries. So you're going to want to crisp those up on a, call it a cast iron or a non-stick. At a certain point, I'm cooking the food. They should be paying me. Hell yeah. The delivery.

Yeah, the delivery guy. I want him to pay me cash. The delivery guy is the middle man. Hey, give me my tip back, you piece of shit. I'm cooking these myself. All right. That's a solid tip. That's a really good tip.

Number two? Number two. I guess my second piece of unsolicited advice is buy your tickets to our live show, this Halloween. Yeah. Halloween is on. If you, you know, I know we have a lot of a Jake and Amir fans listening to your podcast. Of course.

Of course. And those fans might also be fans of the Rosenberg twins. That's right. And who I have made a couple appearances now. For those of you who don't know, me, Dave and Jeff, we do a little pod and we're throwing a live show in Brooklyn, New York, this Halloween. It's got a costume contest. I made a trophy from scratch by hand.

Wow. It looks beautiful. Yeah. Dave, Dave ruptured a disc in his back, so he might be out in a wheelchair and in pain if you better want to see him cry. Dave is hurt. I would say this is your chance. Is Dave hurt every live show?

I'm trying to think of a live show where he didn't have a different injury. Well, yeah. Because the first Twin Innovation one, he had like run into the speaker and he banged his knee. His knee was so swollen. We're actually currently in litigation with North Doran Austin because it was too dark and he shouldn't, it was too dark and it's their fault. He ran into that.

Yeah. The next year at North Doran, he injured his shoulder arm-wrestling dick on stage. Yeah. Still in litigation. They shouldn't have, it was an unsanctioned match and they shouldn't have put it through it. And now what does he have? He has a disc in his back.

A disc in his back? A little distress from the two lawsuits. They ruptured a disc. Oh my God. You hate to see that. I think he has a herniated disc on top of a sciatic nerve and also a ruptured disc. He got a big shot. So much to go, someone has to go to the show just to see that.

Yeah. So he's a Marge Simpson for Halloween if anyone's interested and we're thinking about wheeling him out like Marge Simpson, but in a Hannibal Lecter, or something like that, just to sort of help him feel better and to be able to keep the wheels in motion of his wheelchair, which he will be using. Some sort of weird cosplay. So how do people get tickets to the show? Well, guys, you're going to want to go to bit.lybip.ly slash Hallow Main.

Now you can't just type Hallow Main. You're going to want to hit that caps lock before you hit Hallow Main because Jeff doesn't know how to set up custom links. And for some reason he didn't realize it was caps sensitive and he did it all in caps because, quote, he wanted to grab attention, but we've had a lot of people putting it in lowercase. It doesn't work. Yeah.

You want to keep it caps. Hallow Main is spelled H-A-L-O-W-N-A-Y-N-E. And you know, actually the Hallow Main ticket link is my Instagram bio. That's right. I took out the Patreon and I put the Hallow Main Instagram bio link. And it'll stay there past Halloween. Yeah. I don't even give a fuck.

Also, buying tickets to this show was my unsolicited advice, I believe, two weeks ago. So if you don't trust me, trust Mike. Yeah. We're trying to pack the house. I think we're trying to get to 200 people. And we're like, we're going to have a live performance of our intro, which is what we just found out. Oh, that's true.

A lot of people are fans of the podcast. We're actually going to have the guy come wrap it. We got Miles Felix, our DJ in the house. We've got some fun inventions. Wow. And of course, the costume contest. Plus, if you come and you bring five friends, my other offer, and I've offered this to our fans as well.

Free fries. And if you can prove that you brought five friends, I will give you one personal item from my home. You think they want? No, I choose. All right. I want the TV, dude. I want that new lamp, man.

I'll take the 65 inch plasma. Shit. I really thought you were going to say pencil. 65 inch pencil, dude. You know that one. I keep it in my room. I am offering this up to all fans. If you can prove that you're bringing five people, I will bring you a personal item from

my house. And again, that's bit.ly slash Hallow main in all caps. Holy shit. So this is good. This is like a 20 innovation themed party, basically. Yeah. And I'm like, I think, you know, Dave's been living in LA, so a lot of people don't get the party party with us, but Jake, you can attest that we fucking go hard.

Yeah. And it's at Little Fields, right? Little Fields just like has a bar. I remember when me and Amir did our first show at Little Fields, we just hung out for the next three hours and got drunk with people. And that's what we're doing. The stores are at 730 shows at 830, probably done by nine. People party for three hours.

If you live in New York or if you got to go back, we get you on the road home by midnight. And that's pretty reasonable for Halloween night or you could stay out late and party with the boys. Yeah, dude. It's a Wednesday. People, people should turn up Wednesday. It's the new Thursday. That's what I was saying.

Yeah. And if you, if you bring 10 friends to the show, I'll tell you one deep dark secret about Jake that I promised to take to the grave. Let's give it a teaser. Teaser right now. This is so far. That's the first half of the secret. Yeah.

Okay. You want to hear one? No. Then buy 10 tickets, bloom, and I'm gonna give that shit away for free, I'm a businessman. Good luck. Good man. Good fight. Good night.

Thanks for calling in. Thanks, Mikey. Thanks for having me, boys. I love you. Love you too. We'll see you soon. What a thrill. Our first call in.

Huge. I'm wearing headphones. He didn't mention our big piece of news. It's weird. He like came on and talked about his show, but he didn't talk about ours. So much, so much is going on these days between the Patreon, the Twinnovation live show, and now Lonely and Horny season two is coming out next week. I believe a week from today, if you're listening to this on a Monday, it's coming out Monday,

November 5th on Dropout. Yeah. What's that custom URL to let them know that we sent them? It was a, oh, signup.dropout.tv slash Lonely and Horny. Yeah. And season one is on there right now in its entirety. Correcto Mundo. And then season two, first episode drops in a week.

I'm excited for people to see this. I feel like they already have just because we shot it last year. Because we watched it so many times as we were editing it too. Yeah. We're reaching very close to the debut of season two of Lonely and Horny on Dropout. And the more you guys watch it, the more you guys talk about it, the more you guys ask for season three, the better our chances are. And that'd be really dope.

So let them know you like it. Signup, signup.dropout.tv slash Lonely and Horny. All right, let's try to answer some more questions. That first one was epic. Solid Q. It was, it was a story and a half. For the ages. Let's see if we got it.

Literally. A couple. 21 to 33. Yeah. I guess any question is for the ages because everyone has ages in it. Don't belittle my points. All right. Let's go.

What else do you want to? Another lady, Blink 182 themed or otherwise. Let's call this Lady Layla. Another song about another lady. Hope married life is treating Jake well. Speaking of marriage, my boyfriend of seven months just popped the goddamn question. With a huge gorgeous ring, I told him that I had to think about it. Naturally, he's not pleased.

I'm 25 and in my final year of veterinary school. He's 35 and has a fancy job. I love him to death, but I don't want to get married straight out of college. I told him I didn't think we'd break up, but I haven't lived a life where I'm not studying all the time. Is it unreasonable to think that I should be able to graduate and live life without being someone's wife? I don't want to break up, but it's only been seven months.

All my friends think he's this dreamy guy who loves me. But all I can think about is all the years in my twenties that I missed when my nose was in the books. Can I say no and have it not ruin us? Thanks. Love you, too, Jews. Yeah, wow. How sure were you that Jill was going to say yes when you proposed?

This is not a ... I can't imagine flipping a coin and just hoping for the best at this question. Getting a wing and being like, all right, I'm going to ask. It's a 50-50. No one fucking knows, but let's hope she says yes. The ring's nice enough. Yeah. I don't even want to go in for a kiss if I'm not 99% sure.

But if I'm popping the question, making sure that I really want to ensure that somebody is willing to spend the rest of my life with me. There was no chance that Jill was going to say that we had talked about our wedding a lot. You want to do it too late rather than too early. There was no surprise there. No. It's just the surprise as to when that there was there.

Yeah. The surprise is exactly when and how and what the ring will look like. Some people are even choosing the rings together now a day. Yeah, that definitely happened. I don't know about a ring. Let's decide on a ring together and I'll pop the question sometimes in the next whatever line. Right.

And some people too want to get their venue booked because venues book up like two years in advance. And then it's like, okay, now let's pop the question sometime in the next year. Yeah, because we got a wedding a year and a half. That's funny. Anyway. Can she say no and have it not ruin the relationship? If you're listening to the question, you wrote, lady, you aren't sure.

You don't want to do it. The only reason that you think you should do it is because your friends said you should and because you feel bad for the guy. That's not a good reason to get married. But there's a difference between no and maybe I just don't know yet. Well, I mean, maybe I just don't know yet is essentially no. It's a sense. No feels like no and it's over.

We're never going to get married. But then there's no, not now. Yeah. I think you can get over a no, not now. Totally. It's like, let me just delay the decision. I think it's selfish of this guy to ask you after seven months while you're still in school and not even discuss it with you.

Yeah. I think you should. Because he's a charming 35-year-old. They're times running out. Let's just fucking go for it. Yeah. But you have to discuss. I'm not saying you have to discuss your wedding details and be like, we're definitely going

to get married, but you should have a better idea on the table. I definitely talked about marriage with Jill, even beyond a cursory amount in the first year or two. Just to test the waters. Right. The first year or two. And this is not even like, it's been half a year. Yeah.

In the first year or two, if I had proposed to her at any point, it would have knocked her off her feet for sure. She would have been very surprised, but it wouldn't have come completely out of nowhere because I got a sense of, did she want to have kids? But imagine how crazy it would have been. You guys weren't even living together in the same city. It's crazy. It's crazy.

And I think to catch you so flat-footed, that means you guys haven't discussed marriage at all. Yeah. And that stuff needs to be broached a little bit. Is this a game breaker or is this a reason to break up with someone? Because he got it so wrong. Does he now lose the opportunity? Or are you just a one-question and you're out kind of person?

Yeah. I don't think he completely loses the opportunity, but I don't think that your response should be like, not right now, but we'll see. You should just be like, no, I'm not anywhere close to being ready. I want to finish school. I want to live my life. I'm 25 and I'm not ready to get married. It sounds like she wants to be even single, like trying that for a year.

At the very least, it sounds like you're not ready to be married. I know it'd be cool. So you would get engaged and that begins the one year last year timer. So it's like, yes, let's get married. The couple then splits up for a year and the two people can go ham and then they get back together to get married. It sounds nice. That's a nice way to do it, but it would make for really, really weird, jealous vows.

But imagine if that were the status quo, the engagement period is basically being single again. It's rum spring. Because you're basically committed to the rest of your life, so you're saying, okay, let's just at least go ham. We'll be single for a year. Get it out of a quote, unquote, our system. It's crazy because there's not any reason that society shouldn't have chosen that one.

That's a great rule. That's an exciting rule too. And I bet more people would get married knowing that's the rule. Because then you're like, all right, let's start the fucking year off. Why don't you implement it when you propose to your girlfriend? That's what it'll say on the ring, like, all right, and now begins the timer. The ring is actually just a tiny little timer. You twist the diamond all the way around, and it just slowly clicks.

And then I'm out of there so fast that the ring is sort of still hovering in the air before she even answers, because I'm like, high-tailored, cartoon-style, yeah, it's still dangling in midair. By the time it lands, I've already started three new relationships, because literally a year is all I have left. I didn't know you had it in yet. All right, let's start. Let us know if anyone wants to implement that rule.

I love that rule. Thank you. Great job coming up with it. Me. That was a really good rule, me. You did it. Good work. All right, let's...

Oh, this is sort of a similar question. Coming from another lady. This is turning into a ladies-themed episode. Sadie Hawkins, baby. Delilah will call her. Day one listener over here, and I have a conundrum for you two today. I'm from Canada, and exactly a year ago, I moved to New Zealand. Sweet ass, sweet ass, mate.

I've lived for one year for a working holiday. A month before I left, I met someone, someone who I really connected with, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I really liked this guy, and after we spent a month together, we had to say our goodbyes and wished each other well. We stayed in contact sporadically while I was in Enzid, and he was in Spain for a six-month exchange. And recently, I've let him know that I'm coming back to Canada.

He says he's really excited to see me again. He's not dating anyone as far as I know, and I'm still interested in him. My question is, how the heck do I act when I see him again for the first time? Do I give him a kiss? Do I act cool and friendly? Are we hugging? Do we have to replay level one of the flirting game, or did we hop straight into bed? This guy's potentially boyfriend material, so I don't want to screw it up, but I loved

what we had before so much that I hope we can get there again. I just hope the world he travels in a year apart hasn't changed us both to no return. Thanks, love, Delilah. So they were together all the way to the hooking up, sleeping with each other phase. A year apart, you get back together. Do you resume instantly? Is there a little regression? Do you go all the way back to day one?

Where do you land on the scale, the timeline? In between day one and the last day, I think that you can- Closer to which than the other. Probably closer to the last day. So, okay. So you're saying you're above shaking hands, but below kissing hello. Yeah, it would be a hug and don't sit down and start holding. I think that the level of intimacy, personal intimacy, and I'm not even talking about sex

because that isn't as intimate as holding someone's hand. That's beautiful. I want to do that forever. That's cheating. Oh, yeah, big time. I think you hug and then you take it back to one, and it's not a foregone conclusion that you guys are going to fuck, but it seems to me like you'll get there. Yeah, I think you'll get there faster.

So while the first day hang, when you see each other, there is a hug and it is kind of uncomfortable, what it'll allow you to do is expedite to that point faster. The drinks will be get drinks, will be getting together. Do make there be a plan. You don't want to go over to his house, hug him, and then wonder if you guys should jump right into bed. Right. That'll be weird.

I think it'll just feel like a quick, exciting first date because you guys will have that shared history together. And you have so much to catch up on. I also think it's better that you each had cool, fun, formative travel experiences. This is like the engagement period I was talking about. This happened naturally. So you guys can get married now. Yeah.

You can get the extra year. This counted as that year. Oh, yeah. Sweet ass. Mate. That was your Hindu day, whether you knew it or not. You guys were both on a gosh damn Hindu. And now you're back together.

It is. So take it slow, take it easy, but I have a feeling it'll ramp up back to where it was much sooner than it would be because you have that shared history, because you have that previous time spent with that person. That's my personal question. Oh, sorry. That's my personal opinion. All right.

That's it. That's our time. Thank you so much for listening. To those of you who are signed up for our Patreon, thank you guys so much for doing that. There is, again, three episodes of Jake and Amir, watch Jake and Amir, including one with Ben Schwartz. And the bonus with Thomas. That's right.

And two more bonus episodes of this podcast, episodes that we're not releasing on this feed. So you can listen to two extra ad free bonus episodes and even watch them if you want. And that URL again. Never before heard here. That's right. Never to be heard again. That's patreon.com slash J.A.

Todah for listening. Oh yeah. The closing theme song. Oh my God. Can you imagine if I didn't do that? Is by Drew. So thanks to the opening one, the Josie parody, and thanks to this closing one by Drew. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, send them all down to if

I were you, show at gmail.com. Todah and goodbye. Yeah. You gotta listen to these juice. Always look out for a John Willfroose. Use up a day when you take a poop. Well, you know that Jake has a bad back. At his wedding, almost had a heart attack.

And yell at a bus driver. But we were happy for you and congratulations. And he has a board as a father. If she don't text back well, then don't bother. Jake's friend Amir likes math and sports. When he wears a nice suit, he likes to have shorts. We are lovelies to Kori Shrewd. Listen to if I were you, the show starts now.