If I Were You - 355: Fear the Beard

Episode Date: November 5, 2018

In this episode we discuss long walks, open marriages, and Lonely and Horny Season 2 -- available now!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Nice. I like that a lot. That was just chill vibes. Can you please not phone it in this episode? For once in your fucking Kyle from Toronto, it was like, let's restart this show,

and you try to do it with a little bit more gusto. Let's play the song one more time. Christ Almighty. I hate it. What the fuck? Why is this good? Just let the song play. When it's done playing,

let's go full animated. Happy time. I'll turn it down for the crowd. So we can edit this out. It's so whiny. So we can edit it out, and we'll just start happy, and that'll be the whole show.

Alright, awesome song. Who is that? What the fuck are you doing? I haven't even said anything yet. Why even play the song again? Why even humor me like we're going to restart it over? Alright, fuck it. One last time. Can you for real?

Just turn it on. Be a good host. Ready? It's... We want people to think that we like each other, but we still have fun with the podcast. Otherwise they stop subscribing. They don't give a shit about what we're doing,

because they like the friendship, not the arguing, not the phoning it in, not the bullshit. I have to choose a different song. Just happy attitude. Now it reminds me of how nasty I've been to you. Okay.

So let's not even use the song. We'll do a totally different song. We won't even play anything. What the fuck are you? I love that shit. That was awesome. Fuck that sucked. Damn it.

It was fine. Kyle. Nether Soul from Toronto. You shook your head at the name Kyle. That's a weird name. Kyle is fine. Imagine if my name was Kyle. It's way more normal than Amir.

Not really. Not to me. Amir's than Kyle's? Probably. Thanks, man. I needed to hear that. I've actually been- Google that. I had a nasty attitude earlier. I didn't notice. You're gonna edit all of that out.

So before we got started with this whole thing, I actually had to psych myself up. But like this whole Amir versus Kyle debate. Yeah. I like which side of history you're on. So what am I searching? What are the most popular names in the world?

I guess so. Frank? In the world. Show me a Tom. It's gotta be. Number one in the world. I believe it's Mohammed. That's... No.

I'm gonna go with an Asian name. Who has the biggest population? More than 7400 boys were called Mohammed or Mohammed last year. Oliver, the name which officially took the top spot,

was only given to 6900 babies. Mohammed is thought to be the most popular name in the world given to an estimated 150 million men and boys. Wow. Yeah. And there's no word on number two. Kyle is second. No shit.

And Amir is third. Wow. Yeah. I didn't know Kyle was gonna eat you out like that. I'm not a typical neighbor of some shit. Anyway, thanks Kyle. Thanks to you guys for listening. This is If I Were You. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by two cheery dudes.

Two chill Jews. My name is cheery dude. Ben Schwartz. That's right. How's it going? Monday, November 5th. Whoa. Just another panic Monday. Nice. Get out there and vote, fuckers. What? I just want these kids

to get out there and vote. And I don't want to do it and go out and vote. It'll be fun. I'm sounding the alarms. Go out and vote, fuckers. It doesn't feel like it's been two years since the Trump election. Doesn't it feel like it was nine months ago or something?

In a way, it really does. It's kind of crazy that it feels like we're living in a daily hellscape. Time flies when you're having awesome. Time flies when it's the worst time ever. Worst time flies when it's bad in the front. But this is like one of the first chances

you get to have a voice again since that election. Have you voted already? Yeah, I early voted. You did that mail-in shit. Yeah, I did the mail-in shit. Can I still do the mail-in? I could do it up until voting day. Or at this point, I should just go to the polls.

I'm sorry for not knowing how it works. If I told people to vote, I should probably know. But I guess just learn however it works in your stay and go do it. And do you want people to vote Republican? Yeah. We'll vote your conscience down the card.

And as long as your conscience is Republican down the card, then vote that. How does it work? If I just grab the LA Podcast liberal leaning voting guide and I do exactly what it says,

is that still my voice being heard? Or am I just amplifying somebody else's voice? Yeah, that's still your voice because you've chosen the people that you want to align yourself with. I define myself as a liberal and I don't have enough time

to learn about every single prop. You should probably know like broads. Yeah, if you're like, I want to vote and I want liberal people in office, so I've chosen this liberal outlet who's done the research who I trust. That's your voice.

I didn't know everything about the props, because the cheat sheet. Yeah, the liberal cheat sheet. And I learned a little bit about it as I went. The Jew run agenda. Is that fair to say? I would say it's the Jew York crime.

It's the liberal Jew York crimes agenda that we voted for. So get out there and vote yourself. I'm a paid Soros actor. Really? Yes. You're a crisis actor. I'm actually making bank just act crisis

like Yeah. Some of you are paid to protest and some of you are paid to yell at senators and elevators. And we're all rich. We're all rich from it. Paid by Soros. That's awesome dude.

I sent Soros my 1099. We don't even need a Patreon because of how much Soros cash we're having for this. Soros is on the crisis of our Patreon. That's $99 a month. And we get to pretend to be outraged.

That's right. So get out there and vote yourselves. Yeah, enough fucking around. Get out and vote. Should we try to answer some questions? Sure. How about this one called My Brother the Underwear Thief? I know what the answer to the question is already.

Okay, hello. I'm a 21 year old. I'm a 20 year old male from Canada. writes Justin and I've recently got into a weird situation. Recently my older brother, who's 22, has been stealing my underwear. Could have guessed it from the title.

He does this instead of using his own because he gets used to it and he's too lazy to do his own laundry. Whenever I confront him about it, he just laughs and says, easier than doing my own laundry. I have asked him multiple times to stop doing it and other times he'll just say okay and continue to use it. The thing is that he takes it from me

when I'm either sleeping or I'm at work and he goes to work when I'm away. So what do I do? Do I buy him some of his own? Do I make a big scene? What would you do? Thanks guys. Love the pod and hope you get me out of this. Goofy situation. What do you think?

Is it time to promote me undies right now? You can go to meundies.com and get himself a nice new pair. Let's say I think there's two, well, three options. I have two myself. Really? Yeah, but let's hear what yours are. Number one is it's fine.

Don't do anything. He's your older brother and that's one of the rights is that he gets to steal your undies. Yeah, this is just gonna happen. Yeah. Okay. Two, exercise some street justice. I don't think you can really steal his underwear back,

but maybe he's got something that you want that you can thieve from him. Maybe you can do something that annoys him. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Yeah, so you're like, maybe he cooks food

and he cooks his own lunch for work or something when he goes off to do that night shift thing, but now you start snagging his snacks, eating his dinner. Yeah. He's like, hey, I made that food for me and you're like, hey, I bought my underwear for me,

but you don't respect my boundaries and I don't respect your boundaries, then you pants him and you see your underwear and you say, that's why I ate your noodles. And he's like, well, you eat my noodles, I'm gonna eat your underwear and then he starts grabbing at your undies and he tears it off and he's like,

oh, I love this, I'll eat it like a sandwich and he puts your little fucking underwear in between two slices of bread and he starts chomping away. I feel like that wouldn't happen, don't you think? Because the outcome of your scenario is that he eats

a sandwich of underwear. Yeah, I feel like that's not likely. Right, like why would he want to eat a sandwich of underwear? Right, at the end of the day, that's not good for anyone. This is what I was thinking he should do. I saw the third option.

And you never let me finish, because I do. You always talk over me. Never. Every time you ever let me finish. Never. I was just gonna say you hide your underwear. You hide your underwear. And I just don't know why you

are so hell bent on me not saying that. No, you could say it. Because you never let me finish. You stopped talking entirely and it seems like you only started talking when I said I was gonna say what my two things were. And I didn't even get to finish. Are you done now?

If you want me to be. Yes, I do. Then I'm done. Because you can hide your underwear. I was gonna say hide it in a safety box. In the nation. That's cool. So you hide the underwear.

But you're not even saying you hide it in plain sight by putting it in a safe. That's right. Or you could put itching powder on your underwear. Just like a real classic prank. Do you think a safe is called that because it's safe? No, it has to be something else. But what could it be?

It's probably an acronym, right? Oh, secure and fucking everything. Secure and fucking everything. So yeah, you can either lock your underwear like basically kick it up a notch.

Or you can stop caring. Those are your two options. Or you start thieving from him. And it's funny because a safe costs as much as giving him new underwear. But you're sort of, you're playing the game. Yeah. I love keeping

your shit in a safe. That's all your dumps. But just three pairs of underwear. You could even just get a small rolling file cabinet as a key. At our office, we have those filing cabinets. How about a different me, Andy, in every Manila sleeve?

So you open it like a top secret dossier. That's cool. If anybody ever wants to borrow it, you're like, here, yeah, let me just check my files. Yeah, and then it's the kind with the red thread that goes around and around. You know what I mean? Yeah, I do. A locked dossier out of a

lock and key file cabinet behind a fucking safe. Cloak and dagger locked up file and key is a starched out, thin, crispy me undies. And actually the style of the me undies is a Manila envelope.

And guess what? It's not a freaking sandwich. And your brother's eating it in the kitchen. And you don't know why or how things got here, but they did. And now he's half a sandwich deep and he's eating his fucking underwear. Having glad.

Nice. All right, do you want to answer this next question? Going down on my GF or I'm in an open marriage. Oh, give me the beard question. I've got shit to say on beards. And years, year

long beards. Hey, J and A, I've written a few times before, but this is perhaps my most urgent question to date. He writes seven years ago, my girlfriend and I have been dating for five months now and it's going great and she is great. And there's only one problem. Recently I shaved off my beard and my girlfriend

told me she likes how I look a lot without it. I thought it was kind of weird how often she kept telling me that she liked my bare face. Well, I think I figured out why. One night we started getting down and dirty when I went down on her and she came quicker than she ever has before in

our entire five months of dating. At first it sort of felt like I was the frickin' man. But as my beard started growing back, I noticed that the amount of time it takes to make her come from me going down on her keeps getting longer and longer. That's right. I think there's a direct correlation between my beard length and how long

it takes to make my GF come from eating her out. Since she keeps encouraging me to shave, I love my beard though. It's a part of me. But I also want my girlfriend to enjoy her sex. You two have beards. Have you ever run into a similar problem? How do I get my GF into the O-zone

without shaving my precious face flow? P.S. Buckets is my favorite podcast. I'm a Raptors fan and I'm curious what you think about Kawai and how he's going to do on the Raptors this season. Amir, thanks. Keep being great. Love? What do we call this guy? Beardsly.

Walt Whitman. Because you did, oh, you did Justin Thoreau, not Henry David Thoreau. But there's still some kind of like interesting theme emerging here. A poetic justice of sorts. A bearded poet. Literary reference meets cliterary

reverence. That was awesome. It seemed like a lazy one but it was literary reference and cliterary reverence. That's really good. Do we even have to answer the question at this point? I think that would look awesome on a crew-neck tee.

Is that dumb? Fold it up, ironed out, starched and put into a manila sleeve. Five years in, we're going back to merch. We haven't done a shirt since hashtag dope and seized the cheese, right? That's true. We should do merch. Why don't we have

a t-shirt? I wanted to do an Alvin in the Chipmunk style shirt, but it's just me as a chipmunk and you and Ben as humans behind me. That's good. Two Dave's yelling Alvin or my name and I'm a chipmunk of sorts. Sounds like a great tee. Or that could be

on the ass of some sweat shorts. A juicy booty sort of sweatshorts on a badonkadonk, apple bottom plump butt, on a trainer in a sleeve on the day in manila sleeve.

Have you noticed the correlation between this and beard length? I think I've noticed it both ways before though. Some people like a little tickle and some people don't. I guess in the same way pubic hair is that way. Some people

like a little bit, some people like a lot, some people like bear. Everything is different. I've even heard people be like, I like kissing you without a beard. I said that once to you. You did and I didn't understand, but then I realized that it was when we were living together and I would often

wake up and I would be Frenching you. French kissing or whatever. Let me let me I think he should still feel like the man. Are we going to ignore the Kawhi Leonard part of this question?

How's Kawhi doing on the Raptors? Early season MVP candidate they're looking like the best version of themselves. I think this email was written before the season started so he was a little reluctant but anybody who was hesitant or afraid about Kawhi's prowess going into the year, their

frustrations and fears have been alleviated. How's his ankle? His ankle is great. His quad doesn't look to be bothering him whatsoever. He is the best two-way player in the NBA through two weeks. And he's playing with

Lowry or DeRosin? Lowry. Imagine Kawhi going down on someone because he's pretty clean shaven, but he's got the cornrows still. But that's all hair behind you so it doesn't really matter. Right, that's more for the view from somebody looking down

at him between their legs. Yeah, but he looks up and he goes which is sort of how he laughs. But he's doing that while he's going down on someone. I guess that would tickle. So that would feel nice. Like that. It bothers me when you do that. Right, and it should.

It upsets me. It's upsetting. Should this guy shave his face? It's like, yeah, this is the balance of how you feel good and what makes your girlfriend more attracted to you. What do you want

out of this? Your girlfriend, now wife does she try to urge you to maintain a specific look? You like to change your facial hair. I change my facial hair all the time and Jill does not like when I have a big beard. A big beard. Which I currently have.

Is this too long for her or is this on the edge of fine? This is too long for her. It is too long for her by a hair. No, she we're getting a divorce. Because of the hair. Or because of a bunch of other shit.

The bad puns. The puns she hates. The manila sleeves. It hates too much. I don't know how she heard this podcast already. Underwear drawer is completely organized in a locked safe situation and it just feels like I'm hiding shit from her. Do you have any beard woes?

No, I like to keep it in between too long and too short. I never experienced this sort of beard woe specifically. But at the same time, this lady is different than other ladies.

So, I don't know how much do you like you do want to make sure that you are presentable to your loved one. You do want to be the most attractive version of yourself to them. But then, you know, it's your face.

It is your face. And as long as you like going down on somebody maybe you get an extra few minutes in there. That's not too shabby. What? You know what I mean? Just saying you go down on somebody for a little bit longer. Longer, yeah. That's good for you. If you like it. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh God. I want to go back to an announcement that I have. Which is? You're bi-curious. That. And? And. Yes. There is another Hurwitz product out there.

Forget everything you knew about Jake's mom's cookies. Still order those. Support my mama. But now, my sister has launched her very own Beard Oil. Whoa. Which sister? Sarah. Sarah Hurwitz has her beard oil business.

That she so she made beard oil for me. This is something that she did maybe a year ago. How do you make beard oil? And what is it? Well, Sarah is an herbalist. She like worked on a tea farm. She's into

this like essential oil thing. She mixed, she made a mixture of different oils that are good for your skin. Good for your hair. Hydrating. They have nutrients that help your hair grow. Oh. And when my beard

was feeling itchy and wiry and stringy she gave me this oil. I tried it when I was at home. And it made me feel like I just had like a luscious thick. I'm wearing it right now and she's like feels good to run my hands through this beard. And it smells better. It smells better. It smells better thing too.

There's, the one she made is like unscented. But that doesn't mean there's not like a kind of a fresh scent. It just means it's not like infused with cedar or something like other beard oils. Got it. Yeah, everything is scented. Nothing

doesn't have a smell. Right? I don't know. Smell my ass. Yeah, it's nothing. Wow. Amazing. It's unscented. So yeah, there's sort of, there's a nice scent to it. But you put it on your hands scrub it through your beard

and then I also bought a beard coat on Amazon. That's some unsolicited advice for you. And you got a beard coat. You have a little jacket for your beard too. Yeah. A beard comb. A beard coat. My beard has a tiny little briefcase. A skydangle here. Scarf. Scarf. And I got my beard

the iPhone XR. No. Yeah. Yeah, your beard looks like a little businessman in Boston in the winter. That's right. That's amazing. You buy, sell, but he's on the phone with New York. He works on the Japanese stock market. So where can people get this beard oil? That's right.

BrotherSisterCo.com BrotherSisterCo.com Yes, because Sarah and I developed this beard oil Oh, now you're getting that cut of the profit. I'm actually not. Oh, I have to talk to Sarah about that. Yeah, it would be

the right thing to do, but she also did all of the work and I only wear the oil. That's true. But I should get you a bottle. You can check it out. BrotherSisterCo.com built a website on Squarespace and you can buy a three month supply or a six month

supply. So just buy one. It's a single bottle and it lasts you three months. The good thing about this too is that even if you don't have a beard, it's great for your skin. It keeps your skin healthy and hydrated. So if you're thinking about trying a beard, you can do

this. Buy the beard oil, rub it on your face, let your beard come in nice, monstrous, smooth. I'm on the website now. The pictures look great. There's pictures of Sarah making the oil and then there's a picture of this jacked, awesome bearded guy. And that can be you. This

could almost be you. This should be a picture of you. This guy's arms are so big and his beard is so good. By the time anybody hears this, I'll have you given the note that that picture should be me. So that photo will be me and my arms will be looking jacked. But if you can just keep that body and face and somehow

make it you, that would be your dream look. So maybe we should leave the guy on the left and put a picture of me on the right. This is your mood board. The last thing I want to say about this beard oil is

that you can put it on your pubes if your pubes are wire and stringy. Thank you so much for listening. It feels nice. Are you really going to end it on the pube thing? We should just take a break, I think. When we come back, I'm going to talk about how your pubes, your face, your beard,

but especially if you can rub it on your tank. I'm sorry, Sarah. BrotherSisterCo.com, baby. We look and the website is now just SisterCo.com and I'm out just like that. Alright, let's take a break. We'll be back with more questions and answers after this.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually

is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me, personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in

our family right now, but they are they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parent's kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo.

Yeah, frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it.

Oh, I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma

is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family

in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal

video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's a u r a frames dot com. And our listeners

can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames a u r a frames dot

com. Okay. Go get your parent something. All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. And now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult

anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes

that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions

of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com

slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online but you're still getting professional

licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp h-e-l-p.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks BetterHelp. And we're back. Lonely and Horny Season 2 now available on Dropout. It's finally out

folks. If you go to signup.dropout.tv slash Lonely and Horny sign up for Dropout. You can watch Episode 1 of our new season of our show Lonely and Horny and also all of Season 1. All of Season 1's on there. Season 2's coming out now if you go there

let them know you like it so they let us make a third season. That's the goal here. That's the end game. Please. You can watch Season 1 in its entirety and you can watch the first episode of Season 2. Ruby Jade my character is now on Orion. The golden god of dating apps.

Correct Amanda. What can possibly go right? Exactly. Find out at signup.dropout.tv slash Lonely and Horny. Thanks folks. They're going to release one episode a week until the entire season is available

in 10 weeks. And that is, yeah, 10 episodes. There's lots of bonus content too. Outtakes and behind the scenes interviews. I like that. I like that a lot. Big time. Let us know what you think. Oh and Jake, do you have any? Oh it's a letter to the party.

I sure do Blumenfeld. Yeah. Lately. Oh I know what this is. Yeah dude. Ecstasy. You dirty dog. Her with that again. I'm new club. I'm new club. I'm new sex musician. Yeah. Oh you know I'm always coming up with new sex

moves. Sex party. I've been taking walks lately. Walks. Oh. Yeah. Just like a nice walk. Like a like to stroll around. Just yeah to like just a little

meander. Like a morning walk. Yeah. And an afternoon walk. Yes. Two walks a day. Two walks a day. And then technology free. And then you head to the club. I've actually no I usually the walk clears my head and I

it's sort of like. A pregame. To the pregame. No pregame. The walk the walk is sort of like sensors you. And it grounds me. And it makes me like think about the day and like I'm not distracted by and you think about the.

Nope. Not distracted by like random little action. Micro happiness things all around me. And then you come back and you check the gram. I come back from the walk and I have more of like a cohesive vision for my day. Right. And it's like oh

no. These little yeah like drinks or flirting or checking. It doesn't. It doesn't matter. Yeah. I like the walks. And you're like and it's a technology free situation. Technology free walk. Am I strolling. Am I

swiping. No. I've been swiping. I've been swiping. No. No. What. No. No. I was like a silly way of saying no. Got it. What are you thinking of? The walks

soothes me. They are a calming presence. Now soothes me. Soothes me because they ain't got an average booty. You thinking about them but that by I think about my future, my friends, my family, how to connect and how to grow some man and how to

and twins. No and twins. No and twins at all. Not on my walk. They're not on my watch. Do you ever do that? You take walks. You walk your dog.

I'll walk my dog but I'm listening to a podcast. Yeah. I got technology free walk. So what's going on on the walks? You're waking up. When is this happening? My warning walk happens like pretty much as soon as I wake up. I don't look at my phone.

I wake up. I brush my teeth. Don't look at your phone. No. Is this based on an article you read? This is it reeks of self-help-y some way. Yeah. It wasn't an article I read. I feel like I've been talking to like I talked to maybe

it was a year or two ago. My brother said like you're not supposed to look at your phone for an hour before you wake up and even though I didn't look anywhere if that was true it just sort of rang true. Yeah because it seems good. And then I think I talked to like a couple other people who were like I asked what they do in the morning like basically

happy people. I asked how they start their morning. Yeah. And very very infrequently did it was it like I roll over and I check Twitter which is what I how I've been waking up for the last year or two years. For seven. So I wake up rather than look at my phone

which would like sometimes you know you look at your phone you have that's some exciting time. Yeah. Oh I but I it's like sad news alerts come in a whole bunch of like work emails piling up it's just like okay god damn it my day is like already off to a weird start. Yeah.

So taking a walk just like lets you visualize how you want to spend your day. So where are you going for how long and what do you do when you get back. I walk from my bedroom down to like my mailbox and then I run back

upstairs and I and I yeah who followed me who unfollowed me rub one out then I'm back on Twitter then I'm on Reddit posting angry news stories on the Donald left leaning right of center. I do like probably like 40

minutes maybe like a mile or two that's around my neighborhood. Yeah it's it's a long walk. Solo sometimes solo sometimes with Jill 50 50 let's say 50 50 so you're like let's do this thing where wake up no phone walk

come back then phone. Yeah was it sometimes sometimes it's a run sometimes it's a walk and then there was like two two days where I did yoga just sort of like a morning thing where I don't I have like before I look at my phone just like an hour of some kind of

activity before that before the phone yeah to harken back to the days where we didn't roll over and instantly look at our phone is that that's what I imagine what you do of course and I do it and I check the notifications even check the notifications what came in overnight are you literally do not

look at your phone I guess I look at my phone because my alarm is going cheater you're absolutely cheating that's not a disconnect I don't think I look at the notifications lock screen badges banners

it depends today I did not today I specifically remember seeing like looked at the time and my phone like didn't unlock to show me what the alerts were and I didn't and I just like left it and how long have you been doing it today is the first day

okay so 5050 you meant half the walk the last three weeks maybe three weeks yeah and has it been helpful or fine or great definitely definitely helpful

and I sometimes and I found that it's like necessary especially my afternoon walks where I feel like I'm starting to get like bleary eyes staring at my screen and it feels like I cleared out my inbox but I still like for some reason keep on like opening the same tabs over and over yeah I'm like what the fuck

am I doing and I leave and when I'm walking I really I remember like oh these like four things are on my plate still so it's sort of like refocusing because I think that because I'm always trying to get my inbox down to zero and get things

off my plate I like fire off quick emails and I try to like handle things fast which doesn't make me very thoughtful and it and it makes the things that I need to be super thoughtful about like go to the bottom of my list and then you just delayed until

right delay them for weeks and then it's like oh maybe I shouldn't respond to this yeah but if I if I take a walk I'm like oh this is the big thing let's gear up do it on your walk are you thinking about the things you need to reply when you get back from your walk not exclusively

but sometimes that stuff does like bubble up where I'll be like oh um this this thing is like hasn't happened yet I should nudge somebody's I should like email someone so when I

get back yeah got it okay so technology free by daily walks yep oh fine I'll fucking do it one walk just a walk and you don't have to do every day just give it a shot go on a walk it's going to walk and see

if it helps I'm not mad at that that's unsolicited advice yeah all right now how about for some solicited advice this person is in an open marriage but the most beautiful girl in the world is trying to sleep with her wow

that's right let's see what's up do you have a lady's name for this lady Emily Dickinson that's beautiful okay hi guys such a fan of the pod I married my beautiful wife three years ago however before we got married

she cheated on me with a former lover afterwards I was fine with continuing the marriage because she's so fucking beautiful inside and out but she actually insisted that our marriage be open in her words for my sake since then she is continuously confirmed that she has

closed her end of the marriage and that she'll never sleep with anybody but me ever again but she seemed to think that this would imply that the marriage would be closed on my end as well and hasn't there's a beautiful woman way out of my league who actually seems to like me for whatever reason I know I know

you guys don't believe me when I say she's the most beautiful girl in the world but she is objectively and she's smart and rich and funny and shares all of my interests rich I've already made it clear to my wife that the marriage is still open on my end even though she told me that it's closed

on hers it was her idea to go into the open marriage to the in the first place even though I would have been fine keeping it closed despite the fact that she cheated on me so my dudes what should I do thank you for the read I love you both so much you have prevented me from committing

suicide multiple times oh and I have a gainful career and beautiful life thanks to your encouragement well hell yeah well firstly thank you for not committing suicide really glad you're still around and if you find yourself having these

suicidal thoughts and ideations just know that we love you and that you should seek professional help no need for professional help just listen to our podcast it's full of laughs okay but also I think these people should all you need is

podcast it is podcast da da da da da oh god our audience is dead alright so back to her specific question what I've never heard of like

a relationship like a sandwich bag open on one end and closed on the other yeah that's not open relationships work half open a semi open it has to be mutually agreed upon what's if it's open or closed

and can you be like alright I'm closing mine you keep yours open do whatever you want but I love it closed it needs to be a a full toilet pooper who cheated on who in the beginning lover cheated on writer lover cheated on writer and then she's like

let's keep it an open relationship actually it's not even open anymore on my end you can keep it open on yours I guess fine cool what's the very least like you have you're in an open relationship your wife is committed to you and a hot girl wants to sleep with you

and your wife cheated on you once so like this will even the playing field yeah it seems fine if you made it clear that you are open and I don't even know what the fucking problem is did you just read that question because it was hot it was so hot to me

to read it that I had to forward to you and read it to you because it was hot to read it was hot to have it read right oh yeah yeah so I guess the specific question is what should I do the specific answer is you do you and you do her

it's hard it's like hearkening back to the very original podcast it's hard to advocate cheating but she's not cheating because it's still quote unquote an open relationship it's probably worth clarifying it one more time with your wife

that you want an open relationship and seeing how she reacts I guess that's just me giving conservative advice also if you're depressed go see somebody I was kidding about listening to podcast the professionals guidance medication these are things

that can make your feelings of discontent seem more fleeting infrequent and eventually change your outlook on life for the better and we're always here for you too alright that was it that's our episode thanks so much for listening

thanks for writing in thanks for submitting theme songs the email address again for all that stuff is if I were you show at gmail dot com again if you want more if I were you show there's ad free episodes

on our patreon patreon.com slash j a I believe there's three episodes as of now including one with Megan Baton which made us all lol a lot and I'm sure you guys will love it check out that video we danced the opening theme song was Kyle of course

and this closing one is Jorl let me this one is a long theme song so I want to make sure I get it right Jorl it's like a two minutes fucking rap ballad that I thought was probably too long to play in the beginning but he has a it's this guy Jorl Hoffert who has

a virtual rap duo called a Ashiroji Muto and a mixtape coming out in January so there's a lot going on here but I think you guys will dig it it's an if I were you show intro by Ashiroji Muto

if you want to tell people you like underground hip-hop if you like this song you officially do it's not a line yeah if you're like I'm waiting for the new mixtape from Ashimogo Ashiroji Muto yeah then you'll sound like you know music I like that and fall out boy

I'm dashboard alright thanks so much for listening we'll be back next week ciao fine if I divorce him he keeps calling lines from Bojack cost me and just to sell the meth I'm breaking bad at the bank

I hate Uber drivers but I want a good brain can I match one tinder with this shirtless pick for this thick dick it makes chicks sick just respawn quick I need these lines fuck I just said how twice should I stop trying to cry seize the cheese and seize the moment

I just need a domain name to own it I'm Tommy meds up on my HP oh shit penis doublin is what's written on my old bed oh shit I just partnered with Fimeo what should I make for my 10 minute video I'm lonely and horny there's always that or maybe I'll

rewatch the shit from my past proud member of the ANJ Patreon I'm patriotically hey Drake you're saying you're wild now I heard he's got an unborn fetus cause that pussy got fucked by pushy t's penis yo I've had sex like a million times

I know big that my GF lines and too many girls flirt with me cause of my bang and bod this is all 100% real I swear to god if I were you what would I do how do I know how to improve myself if I were you what would I do

how do I know how to improve myself if I were you what would I do how do I know how to improve myself if I were you what would I do what the hell is that supposed to mean I don't take constructive criticism well okay who are you that was a hate gun podcast