If I Were You - 356: Grammar Nazi (w/Lauren Lapkus and Jon Gabrus!)

Episode Date: November 12, 2018

Friends and fellow podcasters Lauren Lapkus and Jon Gabrus join us to discuss splitting bills, midnight shits, and having sex before dinner.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Listen to podcasts with Jake, or maybe you're near too, there might be a chipmunk, I don't really know. But I'm mighty suspicious about that. I'll help you with your sticky sitch, I'll tell you to dump your so jealous boyfriend. They'll help in a pinch. That's also Jake's nickname too.

So sit back and relax. They'll put you on blast on this podcast. Just listen and see if I will. You start now. Oh yeah. Very good. That was a dashboard confessional cover. Jake, have you ever heard of that band?

Dashboard, what is it? Confessional? Yes. A dashboard confessional? That was a cover of Hands Down off of a Mark-O-Mission, a brand to scar. Chris Caraba, native born Connecticut guy. You are reading this all off your tattoo.

Laura Lapkus, John Gabriel's thoughts on the theme song. Loved it, super mellow. Couldn't really focus on it, that's how boring I felt. You said during the theme song you went to a dashboard concert. I do, I didn't like dashboard. I do. I do go to dashboard concerts, I hate them, because my hair is everywhere.

Is that a song? Screaming in Fidelity. Taking it swear. I just, I picture thick leather wristbands. Oh man. I have one from a tattoo. American Eagle. Did you have one, a wristband?

I had like a brown leather collar. That's disgusting. I don't want to strap. Yeah. I had frosted tits. From American Eagle too, it was so good. I was such a corneal. They used to make the best underwear and they stopped.

I wore exclusively aroposte. I wonder what do parents think when their kid comes home with bleached hair? Or leather belts around their wrists? Are they like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are the kids will be kids? Yeah, I think the first, at least my family was like, are you gay?

Yeah, I was going to say. And it was just like, they thought I was gay because I really liked movies. And they were entirely wrong. A lot of them were gay porn movies. But that's fine too. I really liked gay porn movies. I really liked gay porn movies.

They got good stories. I don't like female actors. That's gay. If you like female actors, you're gay. You watch a woman act? You gotta watch dudes. You boys. Dude.

That was actually written by Andreas Johansson from Sweden. Oh, thank you. Glad to see dashboards finally making its way overseas. It's weird how you can't really hear accents when singing is happening. It's weird how you can't really hear accents when singing is happening. Has there ever been an article written on why that is?

Yeah, there's been a few. Okay, great. Moving on. Lapkus and Gabriel have done our show separately, but now are doing it finally together for the first time. Combining forces. You're here to not only help us out, but to talk about your podcast, Raised by TV,

which me and Jake did a few weeks ago. That's correct. What's the pitch, the elevator pitch for Raised by TV? Do you like to hear two people scream about Rugrats? Yes, I do. Do you like nostalgia? Do you remotely like us? That's just like, yeah, deep diving on our childhoods

and what we watched so much TV, and we both realized that. And with the more recent episodes, we've had more guests coming on and sort of diving, using them as springboards as to what they watch. And it turns out a lot of us who end up here have watched a lot of the same show. When there was less TV growing up, way more people. It's way more universal of a thing to talk about family matters

than you'd believe. Yeah, and it's been cool interviewing people older than us as well who have different reference points, but then they were the ones who made the TV that we watched, and that's really cool. We interviewed Billy West, who was the voice of... Stimpy? Yeah, red and stimpy.

And he just did like every cartoon ever, and he's from Futurama and... Holy, he did Doug? Wow, that's influential for me. Exactly, that's what we said. Yeah, what influenced him? He talks all about it on our podcast. Yeah, check it out.

And the reason we're saying check it out is not because we're good at plugging, it's because it was a lot of like 50s and 60s sci-fi that we wouldn't... I can't remember any. No, but he does go in and out of the voices and stuff, and it's so fun. And those people have been so cool to interview. Yeah, that's been really cool. We had Yardley Smith, who played Lisa Simpson,

obviously played... She's doing the rounds. She has her own podcast. She's promoting, yeah. All of a sudden, when one of these big celebs gets a podcast, you're like, oh, come talk to me. Yeah, I know, I know. Like Kevin Pollock is on Doe Boys this week.

Oh, really? That's fun. That is fun. I'd like to hear what Kevin Pollock thinks about Jack in the Box, and now I finally can. Magiano's Little Italy, actually. Really? Yeah, it's a great episode so far.

I would love to listen to that. I was stoned as fuck listening to the Uber here. You listened to... So you're stoned now? Yup. Once I got a flat tire, I was so mad that I brought a joint with me to the tire shop. I've never listened to a podcast in somebody else's car,

like an Uber, you're in the back with headphones. No, no, I make them put it on. And I give them a bunch of backstory to explain it. It's embarrassing to try to put a podcast on with anyone else in the room. Like, I'm like, oh, God, I hope they like this. Oh, God. And it's just like the pressure of them getting on board with the conversation, even if you don't even know what it's going to be.

I don't even like to do it on a long road trip. Oh, God, yeah. It's so intimate. No, it is. Obviously personal. They're weirdly personal, right? Yeah. I like to listen to podcasts completely alone in the bath.

Yeah, me too. In the bath, underwater. Freezing cold. Like, I recommended Dirty John to Tiffany, and she didn't like it. I love Dirty John. And it's like a rift about, like, now I found this new true crime podcast I really like called Bear Brook, highly recommend. Oh, great.

New Hampshire Public Radio. Sorry, I only had gone podcast, but continue. You're going to bleep it out. They just bleep out our interview. So tell us a little bit about your podcast. Beep. For like a minute. High and mighty.

Beep. That's a sun raised by a TV, talking about if I were you. We left it in. We left. Oh, we got fooled. We got fucked. But I'm like, I'm tentative to recommend it to Tiffany, because I'm like, oh, she hated Dirty John.

Well, she hates this. She's going to think I hate, I'm bad at podcasts. I'm bad at it. I'm bad at knowing, like, our good podcast for her. Does she listen to mine? Does she listen to any podcast? She listens to a lot. She listens.

She, my favorite murder was on a lot in the house. Now a chance to talk about headgun podcasts. Her favorite podcast is a funny feeling. Oh. It's a great podcast. She loves Betsy. And she loves Marcy too, obviously. But Betsy's like a friend of hers.

So that's exciting for her. That's good. If you're going to listen to any voice for fucking 40 straight hours, it better be Betsy. All right. Let's try to get to some of these questions. People are in desperate situations. They're in need of our guidance.

It's usually just us two. I have no idea how desperate they are that they're reaching out to Jake and Amir. A lot of all caps, frantic emails. All right. My wife's going into labor. Here's one that's very short and sweet. A short and sweet one from a lady. Lauren, do you have a fake lady's name that we can call this lady?

Yeah. Amelia. That's good. It's almost my name. So I appreciate that. Amelia. That's fucking self centered shit. That's almost my name.

That's why it's a good name. Everything else is a bad name. It's almost my name. I love it. That was okay. It's pretty far from Amir. Let's go Amirah. Amirah writes, my housemate keeps misusing words like ironic and literally,

and it really bugs me. Can and should I tell her about it? Oh, God. I'll tell you something. You want to know who the annoying person is in that situation? The author of that one. Okay, sure. But I'm also that person.

I totally get that. But a roommate, if they're not a good enough friend for you to say something, if you have to add, and you can't do it. Yeah. If it comes up and you just go, that's not how you use that. You have to do it immediately. Right.

You can't sit somebody down and be like, hey listen, we got to talk about something. Yeah. So Lauren, what's your pet peeve? Well, I really hate when people say, like, a lot of reality stars, you'll see them talking in their testimonials and they're like, him and I did this. Or like, it's a picture of my mom and I. That kind of shit bugs the shit out of me. Because you removed the my mom part.

It's not a picture of I. Yeah. So it's just wrong. And I've had people correct me when I say whom or like a picture of me and my mom or something on Instagram. And then they're like, actually it's my mom and I. And then I'm like, no, it's fucking up. And then I get really mad because I want to like send a link that's like,

here's a grammar website where you can learn how to talk. They came back. Got it. It really bothers me though. That one really grates on my skin. The and me and the and I. Yeah. All of it.

Anytime that's wrong, her, him, whenever they say it wrong. Like, I'm trying to give an example. But my other friends do it. And I just sit there and take it. Like, I cannot say you mean she and I did that. Like, it's just like. Not her, me. Like, her and I went to the store.

And it's like, no, you fucking did it. Like, it just bothers me. See, for me, there's so much like, it's so much weird shit in the spoken English language that like, you got to let that, I feel like in my mind, you got to let that stuff slide. Just because there's slang, we say fucking in the middle of our sentences. Of course. Like, I don't speak perfectly. Right.

That's what I think of is when I'm like, I feel like the ground rules should be like, do I understand what you're saying? I think it's more about like writing for me. Right. When you're talking everything's on the table. It's fine. Yeah. It's like, if you see somebody's Instagram caption, like you sat with that.

That kills me. You probably had like a second. This is like, has been edited and you made the choice. Yeah. I've seen you comment like that. Like, this is what you chose. This is what you went with. This is what you went with.

Why don't we take this thing back and take another pass at it? That was on your niece's Instagram at her birthday. Run this by me before you post the bot myths of a pic. But it is true that you can't be like, the most annoying fucking friend and bring up everything someone does wrong. I don't want to interrupt my friend's story to say, you mean she and I. It's like I'm really like an annoying old person. That's worse than misspelling or miss talking.

Yeah. You know, I forget what this one is, but it's like, if I were you in it. Oh, that's the name of our podcast. If I were you and if I was you, wasn't were. Oh, if and were. Yeah. No. What?

If you say were. Oh, really? If I were. Or wish I were there is instead of wish I was there. Oh, I wish I were. Oh, that I don't know. I guess I don't know if it's true because it's just something my friend Eddie told me when I was 18.

But either way, what I was going to say is that it's stuck and I appreciate it. No, I don't know. I wish I were there and makes me think that it already happened. Wish I was there is like current. Oh, like you're. Oh, hey, I'm talking to you at a party. I wish I was there. I wish I was there.

But if you were, if you were not like, if you were like, I went to a party last night, I wish I would have been there. I wish I were there. You know what one? Somebody told me once and now I can never ignore it. And now I'll burden you with this is I'm going to try and do something instead of try to. Like, why don't you try and get off the couch? It's not try and get off the couch.

It's try to people just say and accidentally. Well, here's one that drives me crazy and it's not chomping at the bit. It's chomping at the bit. What? I hate that. That's not true. Do you pronounce it chomping? Yes.

No. Everyone's chomping. Everyone's chomping at the bit. But that's like for all intensive purposes. We were just talking about this. Okay. I was talking about this with people the other day and one person said their dad says something that's so annoying.

And this one's not even like, it's not even intensive purposes. It's he says, sandwich. What? No, that's just wrong. No, that's. Where are they from? Yeah. See, because that's like, that's old, like Italian misspelling.

Oh, you got to get a sandwich. I know people who say saying. Yeah. On language. That's crazy. I thought of someone I knew who I was talking to one time. I don't know her, but she was talking about how she grew up on an almond farm. And I later was like.

And it seems like she would be an authority. She meant salmon. Ammon. Ammon. She meant apple. She's just dumb. She's a fucking farm girl. What does she know?

I don't even know. But I feel like there's someone listening to this that like who's annoyed by something we said within this. Oh, definitely. Like, you know what I mean? And that's the thing. You can never win. Yeah.

But I mean, even like if I am correcting someone and I somehow just said it wrong in my correction of how people should say something. Yeah. And they're like, it's actually this. And someone's going crazy out there. So I don't know. There's really it. You do have to let it go.

That's why I probably said like five times when I was explaining. Right. Well, that's what inspired me to say like, don't even bother. Because literally also is a, you know, pestilence. It's not just her roommate that's saying literally incorrectly. Like, everyone does that. Yeah. And literally everyone.

Literally everybody. Right. Literally. That's the mistake, right? Because not everyone. Yeah. Ironically enough, literally everyone. I will say irony is something that I don't fully, like I wouldn't, I, I, it's like pornography.

I know it when I see it, but I can't articulate what it is. Like if you ask me, what does irony mean? I couldn't tell you. But if you say, is that ironic? I would say yes. Yeah. Yeah. Ironic is just something that makes you go, oh, that's interesting in a specific way.

But I can't define it. It's not. No, it's not. Like, like, God. That's not funny. It's when you, irony is when you, when you, oh, fuck, I'm going to open it. No, it's not. No, it's not.

Shut up. Hold on a second. It's an expectation and then the exact opposite thing happens. Yeah. So it's not just something that's like inconvenient or not what you expected. Which is why it isn't ironic. It's the opposite. That song is so wrong.

Right. Because it's just all inconvenient or unfortunate. It's coincidence. What about, what about a doctor smoking cigarettes? How about a lung doctor, how about a lung doctor, like who operates on people with lung things. A pulmonary surgeon. Yes, pulmonary. That's ironic.

Yes. That's irony. Wait, I bet you pulmonary is not even right. No, it is. It is. I just learned that because I thought it was heart. I thought it was a heart. That's cardiac.

Yeah. Cardiologist. Cardiologist. But like a, I thought pulmonary was related to the heart, but it's like a pulmonary embolism. I just looked this all up and now I'm going to tell you what it is. But it's a lung issue. Right. But yeah.

All right. Let's switch gears, but just a little bit. It's literally fine. All right. Ironically, let's switch gears to another lady's question, a 22-year-old female. Gabriel, so why don't you name this lady? Jacques. Ooh.

I like that one. Why? Why did you point to Jake and Wink? Is that some, is there an inside joke there that I don't get? No, it's a callback that you don't get. To dashboard? Yes. Exactly.

Jacques writes, I'm a 22-year-old female about to graduate college. I want to go on a solo trip abroad by myself afterwards. I'm currently torn between Iceland, Ireland and New Zealand. I know y'all have been to each of those, so I was wondering which one y'all recommend, particularly for a female solo traveler. If y'all have a better place than those three and y'all recommend more, I would love to hear it. Thanks so much.

Jacques. We've got a female traveler on the podcast today. Hi. I was talking about Gabriel. Gabriel. Sorry. Put on the wig and let's hear the voice. You sure this isn't offensive, guys?

Trust me. It's ironic. The only travel I've done alone, besides for work and stuff where it's all being really taken care of, is to meet a friend in another country. I don't only have the experience to say what it's like to just stay in places by yourself and walk around by yourself in another country, but I do enjoy the feeling of having to figure something out by myself and get on the right train and find the friend and do all that stuff. That's really fun.

But I haven't been to Ireland, Iceland, or what was that, New Zealand? New Zealand. So I can't speak to those, but I did have a friend who did woofing in New Zealand. What is woofing? Where you go and work on farms and do different things. I think that's also a great way to do solo travel. I've had a few friends do that, and I think it's like, yeah, and it's like they set you up with a home and you have something to do, but I think she traveled around New Zealand

and really loved it and felt, she never complained about feeling unsafe, and she even met some cool guys that she fucked. So hey. Oh, dude, go get some New Zealand there. They're all tall and hot. It's cute. So that feels safe. I feel like if you end up having sex with someone and you don't leave the country hating the

experience and that whole thing, it probably was good. Double win. Yeah, that's a good sign, yeah. I was going to say advice for a solo traveler, pick a language you know that's kind of helpful for the first, like if you're doing it for the first time. So Ireland and New Zealand, better than Iceland? Well, I feel like Iceland speaks a lot of English, right? Yeah, everybody speaks English.

I was just saying Portugal and everybody spoke English. Oh yeah, Portugal is great. That's good. That's good. Everyone should speak English. I'm glad they're changing. They don't even speak English in my fucking neighborhood here in Los Angeles, and they speak fucking English in Lisbon, baby.

You're giving horrible people a good argument. Yeah, right. I'm constantly doing that. I've been to New Zealand twice out of those things, and I fucking loved it, and I only went to Auckland and an island off of Auckland, and I know that there's so much more, there's the fucking Hobbit Island. What was that island off of Auckland? It's called Weheke Island, and I went twice because it was one of my favorite places I've

ever been in. Also, I would say for, she's saying y'all, I'm assuming she's American, to choose for the first one after college, I say choose New Zealand, because that's the longest flight, the furthest to be from. As you get into the workforce, and you need more time off to go to some place that far. I would say, if I were just going to pick one, Iceland, I don't feel like it sounds like a place you could be for a long time by yourself. I do think Ireland could be interesting.

I've also known somebody who went there by themselves and got extremely depressed. Because it's great. Because it's very, yeah. And drinking. Yes. And that's the culture. Brown and green. And you might just fall into that, depending on your personality.

But New Zealand could, I mean, yeah, those three, those three wouldn't be in my top three choices, though. Places to go by myself. So it's really hard for me, too. Wait, you can give her a whole brand new suggestion, she wants to go anywhere. What's none of the above for you? I would say to go to Europe. To me, and you could go to so many different countries, but I'm like, haven't-

If you're traveling for a while, yeah. It depends on how long she's going for, but if you have time, I would say go somewhere where you can bounce around to a bunch of different places and cultures and see a lot. Right, you can get a bunch of different experiences. Yeah. Also, you can do the Iceland stopover thing on your way to Europe. Yeah. It's been like three days in Iceland real easy.

Yeah, Iceland is not expensive either, I hear. It's not expensive to get to, but once you're there, it's expensive. So then you would want to do a short time. Yeah, exactly. If you were going to be, if like, this is like, I want to solo travel for a while, then I would say, find a home base like in Europe, and then, because that would be my dream. And maybe I'm just like living vicariously through Jacques, but if I, like, I would like live in Barcelona for a couple of months and then take trains every week.

You're talking about mainland Europe, not like the Iceland-Ireland Europe, which are islands off the coast. I'm saying get close, so you can take a train. Yeah, I'm saying if you go to France, you can go to like England, you can do countryside in those areas. And trains are beautiful, fast and not expensive in, once you're inside Europe, in Europe. And fly is not expensive. There's so much to do.

All right. What's your, what's your vote? I like all of that. I think, I think my vote would be also New Zealand, because Iceland is very lonely even when you go with people. And yeah, you were crying a lot on your bachelor party. Yeah. Well, that was for a different reason.

It did seem, it does seem that way though. You did Iceland for your bachelor party? Yeah. That's awesome. I did Germany. Also, I'm thinking maybe because of her choices, maybe she's been to Europe, and, and that's why she would pick these three kind of seemingly random. Yeah.

That's possible. New Zealand I think is the most manageable because, you know, it's their, their country is made for tourists, everyone, you know, like you said, there's no huge language barrier and there's lots of like natural beauty, like there is an Iceland, the weather's probably better than Ireland. So I think New Zealand is my vote too. One little hiccup is if it's after school, that's the middle of the New Zealand winter. But even in New Zealand, even like a New Zealand winter, like some, a lot of it is like LA winter,

it's not like winter jackets and stuff like that. Cool. It's not like the East Coast. But it is the, it is the flip of us. Right. Yeah. That's actually true. Wait.

So she'd be going in the summer. I'm guessing. I don't know. I just imagine if it's after she graduates. Yeah. Graduates in May. Maybe she's graduating. Oh, she graduates in May.

Yeah. All right. So New Zealand is the consensus pick, but you can't go wrong with any of those. We went to New Zealand in June. Yes. And in Queenstown, there's a lot of like expat people you could meet. Yeah. And it was like snowy in the mountains, but like Gabor said, it wasn't freezing cold.

Yeah. Expat. Oh, sorry. No, I was going to say, it also depends on how social this person wants to be on their travels. Cause like, I don't want to meet a lot of people. Me either. I like solo travel and staying solo.

I would rather just like walk around by myself than like meet a friend at a bar that I don't know and then be like, want to hang out. Like a hostile. Yeah. That fucking blows to me. So like, I don't know. It's really. Yeah.

That's no, I don't mind shit. I'm like in between where I'll be like, oh, I'll meet this person at the bar. Be like, Hey, we're going to the Louvre in the morning. You want to come with. I'm like, Oh, that sounds great. And then at like halfway through the day, be like, well, it was a pleasure meeting you. See you never again. Like I don't.

Have you done solo traveling gamers? Only like for work type situation. I've been in a relationship since I was like had money to travel. So it's like, I can't really get a solo trip. But I did go to Auckland with Tiff while she was there for work. So I was home alone. It's actually the best of both worlds. Like adventuring all day and then at night eating dinner with my wife and sleeping with

her. That is perfect. Well, sleeping in my little doggy bed at the foot of the bed where I sleep, obviously perfect would be spending every waking moment with your wife, though. Not for her. All right, let's take a break. We'll answer some more questions after these messages. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you

need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma.

Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. This is a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. It's a u r a frames dot com and our listeners can use code HEDGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's auraframes a u r a frames dot com. Okay.

Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEDGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. Thanks to the HEDGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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And we're back. Hey, Lapkus and Orgabrus. Do you guys have any unsolicited advice? Mom, I'm coming. Unsolicited advice. Keep her staring at a beer. I said mom, I'm coming kind of as a goof once and this guy, this prankster really put it in the tease.

He was correct to do that. Yeah. He's right. And I get that. Do you guys have any unsolicited advice? I have a piece of advice that my dad would give me like anytime I would go out like growing up like New Year's Eve, St. Paddy's Day, Halloween, days like that. He would always say act like you've been there before, Johnny.

He sounds like Trump a little bit. That's how I can do a Trump accent is because my dad sounded like him. But act like you've been there before was apparently something a Giants coach said in reference to a wide receiver over party. I think it was Parcells to be honest. I'm like over partying after scoring. He's like, no, we score touchdowns. Act like you've been there.

Oh, that's solid. That's like don't celebrate too much. Well, it's like just when you walk into a place and it's like, this isn't, Will Ferrell says it in Step Brothers too. I remember my first beer and it's sort of that of just like chill out. Who cares if this is the first time you've ever been to a Hollywood red carpet party. You have to act like you've done it before and have a little class. Have a little class.

Don't go ape shit. You'd be like, whoa, look, free shrimp, you know, like just be fucking. Oh my God. You're giving me flashbacks, but probably every time I did that, there's free alcohol. Matt Damon, did you see that? You could have as much shrimp as you want. Matt Damon. There's like a picture of like the tabloids of Matt Damon, like when you're sitting in

the lab, guess what? I'm waving shrimp kebabs. I have unsolicited advice that I'll give to your listeners to live within your means. I just, I'm really obsessed with saving money and I have seen people do it very horribly where they just like spend outside of their means and end up losing everything. Yeah. Going broke. Going broke.

And this is true of Unifier. Like if you don't have much money, it's not about like being rich and buying a house that's too expensive or something. Like I think it's really important to not have credit cards that are beyond, you know, what you can afford. Don't buy things that you don't need if you can't pay for it up front. Yeah. That's my advice.

Do you use anything to like manage your spending, like apps that track what you're spending money on? I used to when I was like, like really struggling with money and trying to make, you know, make sure I paid all my bills. I had like constant alerts on my accounts and everything. I feel like I've gotten lax with that where I'm like, I'm a, but I, but I have a good sense of what I have and what I can and can't do. So I'm not just going to buy a car because I want one or something like it's just.

I'm going to have you ambush my wife in a conversation. I'll be like, oh yeah, I would just talk, oh, we should sit her down and listen to this podcast. I'll take this part out. Is there anything that you don't buy or you like learn the hard way where like I accidentally got a car when I got my first paycheck and now I can't afford it? No, there was almost a point where I made a decision that would have been not, would have been irresponsible, but I got really scared and then I didn't do it without getting

into total, you know, details about it because I just don't want to. Is this the yacht situation? Yeah, I almost bought a yacht. So yeah, I'll just say it. I've almost bought a yacht and I felt like I wasn't really going to use it that much. Yeah. Well, if you name your yacht, stand up for the Pledge of Allegiance, motherfucker. That's kind of, you're asking for it.

I filled the whole sign. I really, yeah, but I just, I freaked out and it was like, OK, I don't want to actually make this decision. That's a good sign. Like if you're freaking out about a decision, it's like, well, you know what, maybe let's not make it. Yeah. And so I don't know.

And it's something my dad really ingrained. It's another dad advice, but my dad really ingrained that in me. And it's one of those things where I don't know if I have the phrase right. So I actually can expect what we were talking about before. Keep, I always thought, and I don't know if this is correct, keep your nut low. And I don't, I don't know if it's net or nut, but I think it's nut. No, it's not your monthly nut. Yeah.

What do you? So, jerk off in the corner. Yeah, yeah, keep your nut low underneath the baseboard. It's not always that it's so weird to me. No, like your monthly nut is like what you owe to whoever. And so I've always kept that mentality of like, I, I want to just know that I can pay all my bills and not feel I'm in over my head. And as you like have gotten older and like made more money, do you like, I guess

you're not like keeping your nut super low. You're like, you're like, okay, now I can like afford it. I could live here and I could have this, like a buy these clothes or something whereas before I would never have done these things, but like I, I, I tend to upgrade my, my home, like regularly, I move so much and like I've moved so many times and I, I like to be like, okay, now I can afford a two bedroom. I'm going to get a two bedroom with an office. Yeah.

Yeah. So like it's, I let myself do those things, but not beyond what I'm trying to like learn to do that. Cause there's like some things that I spend recklessly on, like if I'm traveling and I'm like, oh, this hotel is much like this one looks way cooler. Yeah. Spend a lot of money. I can't see a $200 difference, like, uh, you know, when I'm traveling

cause when I'm traveling, I'm like, I'm already all in. Oh yeah. I feel that way to travel too. It's, it's really hard to budget when you're traveling and thinking about that woman who wants to go do that. It is like, that's a hard part of planning because you want to go somewhere. You can afford to be the whole time. You want to be there without freaking out about not having enough money.

Yeah. Right. I remember Europe might be hard. Yeah. 22 after college. Right. Exactly. So I was thinking about that element, like, oh, you don't, you might not want to be able,

you might not want to bounce around to so many different places because that makes it more expensive or whatever. Yeah. I hope she's still listening. I hope she doesn't think that we answered her question. She's like, now to finish the other half of this on my first class flight to New Zealand. Oh no. It's just that the lamb's really expensive there.

I also wish my, like, I don't think my dad gave me like a pearl of wisdom. Awesome. All right. Next question. He still has time, but like the only thing that I have learned squat from a mile, I guess, I mean, he, my parents taught me a lot of stuff, but I don't have like my dad always said, like the thing that he says the most is remember to brush your teeth.

That's pretty good. That's a simple one, but that really will get you a little further in because it's very, I only brush in the morning. I'm a monster. Are you fucking kidding me? I know. I have to brush my teeth. I've only heard the opposite.

It's like, I only brush at night, but I don't brush in the morning. You just brush in the morning and let go the full day and then fall asleep. I would brush post coffee. I always scared that I have disgusting. I'm like constantly chewing gum and constantly brushing my teeth. Yeah. I'm like afraid. I probably just do have.

I've never smelled your breath. Right. You would, I think I literally texted left this after one episode one time. I was like, I feel like my breath smelled today. You were like, I didn't smell. I think I'm like, well, thank God. I literally had to say that. So you had the out to go.

Yeah, it did. Like just so you know, I'm calling myself up, but gamers, do you get ready for bed or do you pass out? I'm, I, when I'm being good, when I get ready for bed, I brush my teeth and put in my Invisalign nice. You do Invisalign? I finished it, but I, now I'm just on the night braces. I want to do it.

Let me see your teeth. Dan, nice. Yeah, I want to do that. I got to cross over. It's pretty easy. Oh, you do? I have one tooth that's shifted and it bothers me, but I think I'm going to do that. I could take care of that.

Give me like 30 seconds. You're just going to pull it. No, no, not pull it. I push it and it's kind of confusing, but it'll make sense. Uh, all right, let's try to answer some more questions. You pull every teeth, all the teeth, but that one, that one is straight now. That one's correct. That one's correct.

It's called Spartacissing. All right, this guy's name is Jake. What do you think? What do you think his name is? Me? Yeah. No, we, I never give a name. I want to give a name.

Yeah. Look at, Jesus Christ. I was really coming flat footed. I was so scared. Bruntel. Jake's brushing his teeth. What'd you say? Bruntel.

Bruntel is really good. I felt Amelia was too boring. Bruntel was great. So imagine if I came up with one. Bruntel writes, Hey guys, I have a concerning problem that I need some consulting for the past week. I have been waking up around midnight to take a shit. I know this isn't a big deal, but I think, but I think if this is an old

person thing to do, I'm only 22. Does this mean I'm getting older? Do you guys wake up from a deep, deep sleep with an urge to go number two? Thanks, big fan of the show. P.S. Come to Columbus, Ohio. So that's another option for this girl. That is hard because I'm going to question the diet and schedule this person.

Like maybe it's one of those things has changed recently. Like right before bed, maybe they're eating later than they usually do because they have a different job or something. Orphe's drinking. You are drinking. When I drink, that'll happen. And sudden urge to shit kind of implies diarrhea. To me, if it's regular shit, then that's interesting.

I wake up every morning. You wake up having to shit, but you have your own woken up in the middle. I wake up to shit. Like the way people wake up and have to piss, I wake up and I have to poop. But then you don't pee until noon. Yeah. I go, oh my God. I pee once right before bed.

It's I drop a crystal. I feel sick. It's like maple syrup. A rock hard crystal. Jurassic Park, the Amber. You don't need to flush because it's so dense. It finds its way down the fire. Oh, I hate it.

It is a shit. But I have woken up, like sometimes if I overeat right before bed or something, or I've been drinking, I'll wake up. I never wake up at midnight because I usually go to bed around 11 30. That's early. That's like early in the night. Yeah. For a 22 year old to be like.

He's sleeping from eight to four though. Well, that makes me think his schedule might be weird. But then like I was thinking about when I was 22, I had really bad eating habits. And like I was broke and I ate like just bullshit from the dollar store. Like I just ate like whatever. What'd you eat? Give me an example of a dinner. I ate a ton of rum and like packets.

Yeah. I ate like eggs, like a ton of eggs just because it was cheap. I ate a ton of eggs now. But it was like. But I mean, there was a period of time when I was eating like oh. And then at night being like, well, it's cheap to have like eight more eggs. 22, you guys were living in New York? I was in Chicago.

Then I went, but when I moved to New York, that was when it got worse. So I was like 23 and yeah, I because that's when my parents weren't helping me buy groceries. Yeah. But I would eat just like really gross stuff and eat a lot of fried food and pizza. Like, but like really sloppy shit. And like my I was constantly surprised by when I had to go to the bathroom. Like it was like, I thought I had really bad IBS. And then no, like I don't have that.

You that you were fried. Well, that's like the 22 year old diet for me was like rice and beans from Bonita because it was $2 like all the time. And then every once like once a week, twice a week, I would drink 15 beers. And then have like four slices of pizza at three in the morning. And that'd be like, wow, my stomach really. Meanwhile, you're probably have a gluten sensitivity and you're lactose intolerant. And I am lactose intolerant.

I was eating pizza all the time and just like shitting. I have and I'm gluten sensitive as I've learned now in my older age, which sucks. Yeah, because I I never put it together. And like my doctor one time was like, well, you tried like exclude because I was like, sir, I'm still shitting exclusively in emergency situations. And I'm 34. And he was like, have you tried leaving something out of your diet? He's like, it could be eggs.

It could be this thing. It could be this thing. And he said, it could be gluten. And I was like, you tried gluten last. I'll try gluten first because I was like, I do feel worse. Yeah, I do feel the worst when I drink beer and I feel like, but I don't feel awful if I eat like a lot of meat and drink tequila. So I was like, oh, because that's when I was dieting.

That's what I was eating. And so I left gluten out of my diet for three weeks. And I just remember being like, huh, I was going to be like, it's still a diarrhea. I hope it's just like, oh, it's ketchup that I can't have. I hope it's broccoli. Is it broccoli? But I do think like when you're 22 and like, I don't want to assume

anything about this person that maybe they're really aware of themselves. But like, I don't think I was aware of myself enough to understand like what my body was doing or why. And so it could be like a thing like that where it's like, you might just not recognize the things that you're eating are not. You have a pattern. Yes. Oh, it's actually a lot of butter in this dish. Oprah once said, and she probably didn't say this because it sounds like

she would not see it. She maybe was a doctor guest who was on the show, but regardless, I learned from Oprah that your shit's supposed to look like a brown banana. That's like a healthy shit. Wow. I know. Mine looks like a brown banana that a motorcycle saw all over the wall. Gavress looks like what's left over after you make veggie juice.

But so if this person's shit is not healthy, it's not a healthy shit, then it might be your diet. Yeah. Yeah. We should do a follow up where he sends us a photo of his shit. Yeah, just send it to just Laura. Yeah, just. Yeah, I really want that. Here's my personal home address.

Yeah, yeah, we should still mail the develop photo. I don't even I don't even trust the photo. Like I need him to actually shit in a box. I want to watch a video. No, I want a video. I want the video sent in a box with the shit. Phantom Cam Ultra HD. This is can I tell it?

Can I tell the brief story of the shit video that you we got it? We got to keep it going. Unfortunately, I know. And I would love to hear the story. But like we really we have to video. We can't like delve. Amir said a cannon power shot. It was a Sony handy cam.

So I was at the accusation that I was a digital camera, a digital camera up on a bathtub on a yeah, on a bathtub. Yeah, and filmed a profile of him shitting coming out of my body above the toilet. Yeah, and then reversed the video. So it looked like it was lying into his butt. And you showed it to a lot of people. I'm not going to apologize for being an artist.

Nor should I. I was just interested. I just how often do you not see like you do? I've never seen shit come out of my ass. Right. And I did hear on Savage Love like the in the reflection of the water. I guess I've got the idea. On Savage Love.

And you guys have heard that podcast? Yes, I love it. Savage Love. I'm not a non headgun podcast. I'm a boo. That was a headgun podcast. Dan Savage Love and Relationships columnist talking about love and relationship advice.

But he had this guy call in or the woman called in who found out that her husband had been filming the toilet, basically, and had a and she had discovered on the computer that he had like a shit fetish toilet fetish and he'd been filming her against her knowledge, like without her knowledge. And then she was terrified and like called in and was like, what am I supposed to do? Because I didn't know. And she's like, I actually am willing to work with this. But the secrecy is the problem that really got me.

She was doing this when I wasn't aware. And then we have children. And then that was Savage's main concern was that like the kids were being filmed. And then that's like a whole different world. But isn't that crazy? That like, I mean, I guess everyone has a fetish for something. But the idea of finding out that your partner was filming you shitting. Did he put it in the water, facing up?

Or like, did he use the toilet? Bull cam, like a little bit of an eyesight, like under the lip? Or did he go like, because I usually see the person. Oh, I think what's interesting there is like, there are so many toilet cam websites. Are there? I don't really know about there. There are a lot. Oops, showing you.

I mean, I don't like to. I don't like it, but I just add all these off for my other tattoo. I know a lot about bull. Bull hole is not bad. Thank you. You guys hear, I said, dookie dames. Oh, I heard bull. And also you said log blog earlier.

A log log. Yeah, a log log. I'm surprised that he doesn't turn to like the wide world of like the dark web. And he like, really wanted it to be his wife. Well, he also had been. She found that he had videos of that. Oh, other people. Yeah.

Oh, back to unsolicited advice. Dan Savage gave, I think, the best marriage and potentially relationship advice that you could ever give. Never go to bed hangry. And at least it's really worked for me. And this is too much information. I want to hear this now. Fuck before.

I know. I know. I heard that on there. It's the best advice. Absolutely. It is because you're full and you're tired. And you're like, then you're disappointed that it didn't happen. It makes me so happy that I do that already.

Yeah. That's like a key to. And then it's like also just better for the date because you're like in a good energy. And then there's also like, oh, what if we get a little bombed and it's harder later? We don't, or softer. We don't have. Well, and I always feel like it's like, yeah, you get drunk and you're just like tired and you're or whatever.

And then you were like, that like makes you go to bed a little bit sad. Yeah, right. Well, you thought you were going to. Both people don't want to, but like, it's just like, oh, shit. We're like, we're, this is a depressing little place to be where we're like excusing each of, like ourselves from intimacy. Yeah. Street, Streeter, I, we were on a double date with Streeter one time and we were

talking, he was talking about this phenomenon and he called it TFTF, too fat to fuck. You would have to decide during the meal, like, hey, are we going for it? Cause like, I don't, you don't want one person to be like, I skipped dessert so we could fuck. And the other person's like, I went ham cause I didn't know we were, you know, just be, at least be clear. But I think it's. Sex is off the table.

Yeah. Fuck before you go out. I want to eat all this stuff. Yeah, yeah. Fuck before you go out and it's like a dream. Also, even if you go to a party and stuff, cause then you come back and you're like, oh, I just want to put on Hill House. Yeah.

You feel sexy when you fuck before a party, too. Cause you show up with like, yeah. And you're not like, you know, I'm usually super hard at parties. So for me to get it out of the, get it out of the system. It's like the something about Mary thing too. It's like masturbate before the date to relax you. It's like. And you could put the jizz in your hair.

Oh, that was jizz. I got to rewatch that movie. Uh, all right. I tell you what, the movie's still funny. The character Warren doesn't hold up. Oh dear. Another little bit of advice if we're going to talk about that. Um, this was from a blog that I read, but a cup of Joe, if anybody out there

reads that I've already for like 10 years. Um, but she says to, to keep the spark in your relationship, meet up on a date, like meet at the restaurant and don't go together. Yeah. Like if you're both coming from different places and you meet up, it is, it does kind of feel fun. Then what makes it feel special. And then also it eliminates the like, cause there's like, it becomes a routine

where I'm standing waiting for Tiffany or I'm like, I have to go to the bathroom. We're like, we're not talking to each other for the hour before we leave for the date because we're busy getting worked on or whatever. You know, but like plan that ahead. Cause there are a lot of times I will leave and I will leave my girlfriend at home and then she's like, where are you? Like, I think it's sexy if we meet at the place, but we're like heading to Palm Springs for the weekend.

She's like, what place did you go to? She's like, I think it's sexy when you accidentally find each other. That's where we meet. You think, yeah. I think fate will bring us together. Meanwhile, I'm at an Indian casino 90 minutes away. I'll give you one hint. It's not morongo.

It was morongo. Let me ask one more question just so we can get four cues aid by the end of the episode. This is another lady's name back to Gabriel. Another lady's name that we can call this person. That's a good name. That's a good start. Tina.

Thinking about it at all and then saying a normal name is funny. And I was like, I don't know, Amelia. Let me think of my heroes. You and I have been improvising for combined like 30 something years. Normal name is the new fake name. All right. Tina writes, first of all, congratulations, Jake. I hope you're enjoying the married life.

My question is, should I pay my share of the TV license fee for my shared house when I rarely watch TV? I figured you guys would be good TV question answers TV license. She doesn't live in another country doesn't live in America. Well, here's a little more information. I share my house at university with three others, two of whom watch TV all the time. I prefer Netflix. My share of the license fee would cost me 40 pounds a year.

And as a student, I don't have much spare cash. If I was living alone, it would be something I wouldn't buy. But if the house has it, I will inevitably end up watching it occasionally. Is it fair that I have to pay a disproportionate high amount to how much I watch and essentially subsidize my friend's TV habits? Or should I suck it up and consider it a tax on friendship? The third roommate who like me doesn't watch TV has already agreed to pay. I'm interested to hear your opinion.

Thanks. That's really hard. I think I think everyone knows what I'm going to say. Well, I'm kind of curious, actually. I don't think I know. I think this reminds me of the thing like when you go out with a group of people and like they all have alcohol and you don't. Is this what you were thinking?

Yeah, I just I have a very I have a very strong and then you have to split the check and it's like a hundred dollars and you had like a taco. I hate that fucking shit. And I but like especially when you're like broke, it's really annoying because you're like, why am I paying for all of this? And I think that falls into that category of like, that's not fair. But because you live together and it's like kind of like a permanent thing and it's spread out over a year of payment, I sort of feel like you have

to kind of suck it up on that one. It's kind of like splitting the gas bill or something. I don't know. You can't like go back and measure how much TV you consume versus. Especially if you're admitting to that she is going to watch some TV. You kind of can't watch any at all if you're going to say that. And otherwise it's going to be build resentment where people are like, she watched like three hours this week.

And then suddenly they're like judging you for watching it because you said you were going to pay less and then you're not two things in my life. Well, we're two fingers to hold up for that. These two things. Is that normal? Do you do that usually? The ring. Pinky and ring.

Pinky and ring for the two. It looks really wrong. That really, yeah. It sucks to think about it. He's sucking on them. Everyone at home. He's whistling a little bit. The whistle tip.

The two things that happened to me in my life that I still can never forget and is one time my first, my first, oh, three things. You don't want to know which three fingers he just held up. One of my, in my first apartment in Brooklyn, my roommate, me and I lived with two other dudes, me and one of the other dudes found ourselves. We had bought exclusively just the two of us have bought toilet paper for the apartment for like three months. We say to the third guy, hey, you got to buy toilet paper for the apartment

every once in a while. And he goes, I shit at work. And I was like, that's the cheapest. Most fuck. And now. And steal toilet paper from work then. And then, you know what else is going on? Now me and the other roommate are dying to catch you.

So fuck it. Show them the camera. Show them the log. It's true though, when you have a roommate, something like that, then you become so like, Oh, they never wash the dish. Oh, you know, you start to get like really nitpicky. Once you guarantee the other three, we'll talk about her relentlessly. Yeah, you can't risk it.

And if the other person said they're not going to watch TV at all and they're doing it, you have to meet them at that level. The choice is like resent or be resented. Yeah, right. Would you rather hate or be hated? I would rather resent. Yeah. I like the chip on my tool.

You take a higher road by resenting someone else. It's one of the shitty things about living with other people though, is that like it's everyone's problem. What if she uses the same excuse that like you have to pay for the TV and she's like, you know what? I should at work. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Wait, what's the second or the third thing?

I have an idea. Is there, oh yeah, I do want to hear your other thing. You'll never forget. Is there a world where she pays and she has Netflix, she lets them all share her Netflix password and doesn't pay for the TV? I feel like if she's cheap, she's probably using somebody else's Netflix. But she can still share it.

Oh, that's true. If it's long as it's on that, so that no one in the house has to pay for Netflix. Yeah. So you say, I'll get Netflix and Hulu, meanwhile, she's stealing it from somebody else. She's like, how about you guys split that? Netflix, Hulu, HBO, go, any login service.

But that's nice. Well, my mom's credit cards looked up to my Uber, so I could do whatever you guys want with that. When Netflix first came out and when it was discs, this was my second apartment, I was living with my wife and my best friend while she was my girlfriend then. That's a sitcom. Yeah.

The three of us were living together. The guy's girlfriend, who's now his wife, we were in the car, the four of us driving together and we were like, we got to get Netflix. And I was like, I want to get the DVDs. And him and his wife are kind of cheap, but she wasn't living with us. He was. And I was like, it's $9 a month. So it comes to three, me and Tiff are still splitting bills at that point.

So it's like, it's $3 each a month. And his wife goes, I don't have to pay for that. Do I? And I was like, you are at our house all the time, which is totally fine. But now I'm going to be like, I don't want to see you watching my DVDs. Because $3 also is like so little. $9 split four ways. $2.58.

She was like, do I have to pay $20 a year? And also that's something like you could lose $20 and not know like anyone. If you're staying at someone else's house. And I also know what she spends her money on because she's a good friend. So I was like, Jesus Christ, you fucking monster. I think that that's like, that's the answer, right? Because like if she says no, then her quality of life is very diminished. She can only not watch.

She like has to be like super aware of if she's ever watching TV. But she also, if her two roommates are watching TV, she wouldn't even want to like sit down on the corner of a couch and look. Because they would start to be mad. Yeah, you can't even listen. You can't even listen together. Yeah. So my answer to her advice is yes, chip in. And then also, yes, watch TV here in college.

This is the time to do that. But she likes Netflix shows more or whatever. But I mean, I do think you could chip in and you know, if you want to be really amazing, offer to share the Netflix, Netflix password and chip in and then just be like a great person that they all love. That's cool. The best that I made ever. That license fee is like your friendship fee.

Yeah, they'll all love you for that. I feel strongly about something you said earlier. So do you want to get into it? Oh, the the taco and alcohol. Yeah, I have a very strong opinion about it. In the exact opposite direction. Yep, everyone has a split. I think everyone has a split.

And it's a bummer if you're like, you're an alcoholic and you don't drink. Well, then I think it's on the people who are to recognize that. Yeah. So the other six people have to go. Hey, and lab case, you're not drinking. So but at the same time, I think when you decide to go out to dinner in a group, you have to understand that you're paying the group meal tax, which is like, I'm not here to keep track of who's eating what that. But that changes with money and age.

Like, I think I don't go out to dinner with people again, if they are the keep track of what everyone ordered. I won't do it now. But I would. I mean, you have to when you're when you have to when everyone's broke, it does make sense to be like order within your means. Like, I think like that's it's you shouldn't lose out on socializing because you have less money than people.

But it's hard if everyone else wants to go out and go ham and not deal with it. I know. But I mean, like, I don't know. I have friends who don't have money where I would not feel comfortable being like, you have to split this with me if you and I know they don't have the money. And that's why I think the onus is on the drinkers or the big bill of people. Right. Because I will. I will do that. I'll be like, if me and Tiff and a third person go out to dinner,

I'm not like, we got to split this evenly, right? You know what I mean? Or if even if another couple comes out and they don't drink, I'm not like, let's split this evenly. I'm like, hey, I think if we split it evenly and we pay the tip, I think it'll come out to around. Right. I think offering to pay the tip is a good solution there for like making that person. I just I just don't think like the casual the casual split.

I love it. You don't want like the everybody's like with their phones out and telling a waitress like, will you do twenty four dollars on this card and nine on. No, I completely agree. And I think it does feel like that. I do think that's an ease of having money, right? Like when you're like, OK, I have a job now and it's not as scary for me to just say that was a hundred dollars or something.

Totally. But when you are. The person worrying about the money, it's really stressful. Do you know what's you know, what's less stressful and less expensive for that person? Not coming out. Stay home. But I'm saying you should only go on socializing. Stay home. Or invite everyone to hang out at your house.

It's just like on everybody to be a thoughtful friend. It is like if I if I invite somebody out who has a drinking problem and doesn't drink, then it's on me to know that they didn't drink. Or if I know someone that is broke, I would be like, hey, I can cover. Right. I'll cover this for you. You made me pay your cable bill. We weren't even living together. Well, you're loaded, Bloomin' Belt.

Your dad's a gynecologist. He brought me to dinner and you said, I don't want to just split this bill. I want to split this bill and this bill. It's not only I'm paying for two months to a deal, but you'll be. That's a fun, old timey sketch. Oh, that's cool. Do people still make sketches or are we all going to die so nobody cares anymore? I think most people are making videos commenting on old sketches these days.

Oh, that's cool. Oh, yeah. Ouch. I thought I was giving you a lop. He's going to let us promote our Patreon on your podcast. That's patreon.com slash J.A. Thanks, Gabrus. You were never.

I can't believe you were never in a Jake and Amir. You weren't right. I can. All right, we're out of time. That's the end of the show. I was I was never in a Jake and Amir video. That's correct. That is weird because you were around.

You were in a bunch of college humor videos. Yeah, I think it was sort of the thing where college humor was like, we're the funniest people ever. There's no way anyone who wasn't didn't come up in this building is funnier than us. Sort of vibe. And that's what I found. Me, that's a woman felt thing. No, that changed that changed after like a year.

But for a hot minute, everyone and then like, you know, like you guys were all like, we're the fucking kings of comedy. And it's like, yeah, all right, guys, there's other. The crazy thing is we were right. Like we were the kings and still are of comedy. Yes, you guys are. Yeah. All right, anything else to say?

Do you have anything have anything left to promote? You talked about raised by TV. Raised by TV, please listen. And you can listen to it everywhere. But there are also new episodes released on Stitcher Premium. If you go to raise by or stitcherpremium.com slash raised by TV and use code TV, you get a free month to listen. And that also gets you tons of other shows on Stitcher Premium, including

Freedom, my show with Scott Ackerman and Paul of Tompkins, which is a really fun show. And I think it'll make you laugh. We just talk. We really just talk about stories from our lives and do bits. And it's really stupid. It's three people who play amazing hysterical characters on every other podcast, being themselves on a podcast together, which is a very.

It's really fun. And that also has episodes being released for free. But if you want early access Stitcher Premium. Cool. With our code that I just said. And, you know, that's the main stuff right now. I'd say do whatever else you want in your life. Yeah.

Once you watch, listen to all of my podcasts, then you're allowed to do whatever you want in your life. That's really cool. Yeah. But that's the hierarchy. You want to plug your other show? Yeah. Yeah.

Listen to High and Mighty and I had gum podcast and listen to Action Boys on patreon.com slash action boys or actionboyswithz.biz with ZZ Top. I love it. It's a good use of a biz. Big investment. Thanks so much for writing in and listening. And if you have your own theme songs or your own questions, send them on down to ifirushowatgmail.com.

The opening one was a dashboard confessional parody. And this closing one was written by somebody named Tom. Parody. Cover. You can't parody dashboards. It's already hysterical. Sorry, is it satire or parody? I can never figure that out.

Nice. Literally irony, dude. Callback. All right, we'll be back next week. Bye. Bye. Mahalo. If I were, if I were you, if I were, if I were you, if I were, if I were you, if I were, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you.

Here is what I would do if I were you, if I were you. Here is what I would do if I were you, if I were you, here is what I would do. The show starts now. That was a hit gum podcast.