If I Were You - 359: Bisexual Ex

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

In this episode we discuss traveling romance, dealing with maggots, and tea bagging soup. Of course.For more advice... check out our bonus Thursday videos on Patreon.com/JA!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is so hard! Put it in neutral and push it. Give you the dab clean. Just so you have it. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab.

Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab. Dab.

Dab. What the fuck? It's all crying a little bit. How did you fucking do it? A little piece of shit. Whoa! Awesome remix. How about remix that was the house club trance Euro synth pop special did you get club?

I got more of a club vibe. Oh really? What's the difference? There's well, there's the club. Yeah, obviously That's like the clerk. Okay, so that which one of mine is grabbing here. You're going out with your friends It's dark and there's like a smog machine lasers and a dance party happening. That's that's the club Okay, that's absolutely club. So you walk into a Empty warehouse space. It's cold and humid at the same time No smog machine because it's just naturally foggy in there and it looks like to People barely humans are fucking on the dance floor now. You're just grabbing a rave, but okay

You walk into a room that's sort of like a library from an 18th century building There's books everywhere. You pull one open it and it's like this Latin sort of page of potions You start reading one out loud the entire mansion rumbles You look up and you're being swallowed into the sky. You're in the sky It's you and your friends and a series of people that you assumed have been dead for eons And everyone's speaking a language that you can barely understand. That sounds like a curse pal Okay How about this when you walk into a zoo the animals are drunk and speaking to you with a British accent you wake up

And you're actually yeah, you wake up and you're on a train Transcontinental Siberian Railroad throughout Russia has to be a dream So what's a club you ever go to a golf play like where there's like a golf course. There's a bar There's a little a little snack area. Maybe indoor. There's some racquet ball. Yeah I'm talking about a country clerk It sounds Just the country club. What's a country clerk country clerk because there's golf outside. Oh, that's cool. All right. How about this? It's like a sandwich triangular white bread

bacon lettuce tomato turkey Double-decker with a side of chips that are real salty. Oh nice. You put a toothpick take through the whole thing. Yeah, you're talking about a turkey clear That's also a clear a turkey clear because of the toothpick Then it's a clear sandwich and if it's got a little bit of saran wrap on top of the toothpick Then you must be in the clear That guy anyway back to the original theme song right right was written by Don Kiani on aka

Donkey onion. Oh, he's returned with another theme song submission that salutes the pinches marvelous Pre-delegation for shoving his head into his arm crotch. I hope you enjoy the song He's he hasn't even sent us a song. He has Kiani on great name. It's great name and his song is dab it on the haters and if you get a chance I'd really like if you plug my soundcloud. It's just sound cloud calm slash day. Sorry D Kiani on The letter D. It should be sound cloud.com slash dawn Diani on so he's like instead of an on and on and on and on

So Kiani on and on and on and on that's sound cloud calm slash D Kiani on And he uploaded a remix of Kishi Bashi's song Honey body. I don't know any of these words. Am I at old today? I think I might like Kishi Bashi Yeah, I think so. It's that easy. I think so really cuz I made it up. I Made it. It's not a real thing so You don't like Kishi Bashi You don't like any boss. I was thinking of the Kashi cereal. Yeah

Go lean go lean Hey, welcome to if I were you the only advice podcast on the web hosted by me. I'm a mirror. I'm also a mirror and Excuse me. I'm a mirror Frickin Blumenfield No idea which one of us is talking right now. They do You sound a little different than me. No, I don't yeah, you're also you're stuffed you're stuffed up Post-nasal drift or something beer is a little sick right now Why would I say my name? I am saying I am just all right

So to clarify. Yeah, Jake is doing this weird bit where he's saying that he's a mirror Okay, so whenever you hear this voice Yeah, that quacking that was freaking Hurwitz who I think is the man But he's just doing a little goofy thing right now and Hurwitz is usually cool and I'm even confused I'm looking at you talking you think we could do a voice. That's so different than one of our voices that our fans won't even know The difference So let's do it. Let's do three in a row. Okay, sometimes it'll be me. Sometimes it'll be you Oh, and we'll see if our fans get it all correct

All right, so the first person is gonna talk see if you can guess who it is ready one two three Yeah, that was obviously Or you again, yeah, all right, so it's either me or you one two three That was more yeah less distinguishable that one was Jake again. Yeah, all right third one Again, it might be me or it might be Jake all right third one Let's see if you guys can guess ready three two one Alright, I'll do the fourth one. Okay. All right, I'll point to somebody it might be Jake It might be me over this one ready. Yeah, three two one

This is abuse All right. All right, this one might be jaker might be me ready Three two one That's good, what do you guys think it was we'll give you some time to talk amongst your friends Could have been me could have been jay. You didn't do a voice once it was Jay You didn't do it once. All right, maybe this one will be me or maybe it'll be Jake. Yeah, ready three two one This might be jaker might be me ready Three two one

Who do you guys think that one was I'll give you another I'll give you another question Don't keep doing it Who could that be? That was me that's right Amir All right, let's try to answer some questions This isn't just about tricking each other and making each other giggle. What a bizarre game people have actual shit They need us to deal with Here's one written by a lady who she's from Canada. So we'll call her

Montreal Montreal way to go My I'm a 21 year old female and I'm a huge fan writing from Canada I've been dating a guy for almost eight months now and things are going really well. He's amazing or so I thought a day ago he left for a five week back packing trip through Asia in the hours leading up to the departure We cuddled and both cried and he talked about how he didn't want to go and how much he would miss me and how he loved me Once we regained our composure. I lightly kind of jokingly asked if he was gonna sleep with anyone in Asia He replied if I'm being honest with you. I'm having a hard time deciding about it

Naturally, I flipped out and when he saw how mad I got he said he wouldn't sleep with anyone else He left and I slept on it in the next morning I texted him saying that if he wanted to have an open relationship while he's in Asia I understood and was okay with it before me He was with the same girl for nine years and he has slept with less than half the amount of people I have and he says he loves me and that this really has nothing to do with me and it all has to do with him and his Limited limited experience. He put it very eloquently and of course. I understand how meaningless sex can be Maybe I'd want to do the same if I was in his shoes

Regardless, I'm still mad as fuck. Should I break up with him? I don't know if I will see him the same after he fucks a bunch of hoes at a party hostel in Thailand I said I was okay with it because I felt like if I didn't get out of my get out of my system now It would ruin things later on for us But I can't help but feel that if I was enough for him He wouldn't even want to do this. The other side is that if this is an open relationship I can do the same but should I I have a history of being a big slut So it shouldn't be hard for me to do but should I treat him the same way that I wish he was treating me or beat

Him to the punch. Do I have a right to be mad about this or does he have a right to do this? Do you think that he'll still love me and want to be with me after all this isn't Meaningful sex with someone you love better than a shitty hookup I felt sick to my stomach since I left and I kind of resent him for putting me in this position What would you do? Please help? Wow? You she went so far down. She spiraled. She spiraled. Yeah first. She's like I hope you don't have sex with anyone else Like well, I actually might huh. Well, fuck you. We're in an open relationship. Actually, you can't should I wait I don't want to fuck anybody to break up

Wait, how long did she say they'd been together eight months eight months But as a 21 year old right and they said I love you yeah I know he kind of wants to fuck his way through hostels in Thailand. Yeah, so I think Maybe I'm of the mind that no matter what he is saying He's doing it. Oh So you might as well already in an open relationship whether you like it or not Yeah, you preemptively so you like the beat them to the punch technique

I think you might as well say like we're in fine. You want to be in an open relationship do whatever you want in Asia I'll do whatever I want at home and we'll see how we feel when we get back Yeah, it is easy to be like I'll never get over if you fuck so much people in Asia And maybe he'll say I'll never get over if you fuck people when I'm at home But then you guys might just have fun doing your own thing and maybe you get back together And you're like, yeah, it was a crazy couple months glad we're back The other option is to just break up Those are your two

Yeah, staying together and staying faithful to each other is just not happening So it sounds like regardless of what happens while he's away You're in an open relationship and you could sleep with other people and then you can decide whether you want to stay together Or not when he gets back because he poisoned the well Well, she asked him and he would felt bad lying to her But it's I mean, that's what he did was like that truth was worse than a lie Because he was basically like yes, I might cheat on you So long like who said that's I guess like if that is the truth then you should break up like

That's not like a that's not a kindness to say that it's just a heads up. Yeah, it's a just so you know It's an FYI. I might fuck somebody in Tyler like hey if I get really I might kill you I might kill you You're like, oh, well, that's illegal. That's really bad. Well, I probably won't yeah, but just know that I might When you imagine sex in Asia, do you imagine like a happy ending at a Vietnamese spa? Or do you imagine like meeting an a Dutch backpacker? Going on a few romantic hikes and then having sex outside near a hostel Yeah, I imagine like another another foreign national Oh, I see that you meet at a hostel that you go to a beach with that you go to a party with that

You go to a sex show that you go to a club with and then you have a threesome with a Thai lady boy. Oh, that's good Yeah That's what I and this is all in Canada and I am fapping. Yeah, I noticed that the room where it fapping. No, please I like when she says isn't having meaningful sex with someone you like better than a meaningless hookup Yeah, but he wants both he'll have the meaningless stuff abroad and then the meaningful stuff with you The best is definitely both. Yeah, because that way you can have a nice Thanksgiving feast before you leave And then you get to eat Asian street food on the day And when you get back, you'll have yeah, I'm just saying I want chicken satay

Yeah, and also stuffing when I get home. Okay, the best of both I want a Christmas ham go back to and a slam bam ma'am and Two hand jobs from that man over there. It's I am you lost the food references, huh? It's no longer a front I like the idea of saying alright You could be in an open relationship She does sleep with other people while he's abroad and then he remains faithful comes back and she's like well I slept with a bunch of people. How was your epic adventure? Yeah, open relationships are tough. You I think the only way to do it is to do the the aligned one

What the one where you're like don't ask don't tell yeah style It's like the kind where cheating is fine right and then they're like have you slept with anybody and and you're like I Know like even though we're in an open relationship. I happen like entertained the idea. Oh, that's cool So an open relationship where these are the rules you can only do it Secretively behind my back and when I question you about it, you have to deny deny deny. I think for some reason So I'm gonna say like are you working late today or are you meeting someone in a hotel and you have to lie I really have to yeah, and like all right. Are you just saying that because of our deal like I know you have to lie to me I really think that for some reason this deal like having the freedom makes me feel more connected to you

Yeah, I mean I want to and it's not because you agreed to say that exact line every time you don't come home one night Yeah, I wish it's so weird because I know we set up these rules. Yeah to make it seem like I am Lying when I'm trying this truth. Yeah, which is the realest I've ever been Right now, and this is you in a motel with somebody else This is me in the stairwell of a holiday As I have nine different hookers in the room and you have to lie because that's part of the open relationship Yeah, the other way to do it is to what say Yes, you have to pre-approve. Yes, it can't be anybody. We know yes

It can't be more than once all these restrictions right which is worse than being in a relationship Because in a relationship, there's just like the normal rules of course don't sleep with other people Yeah, treat me nice. Yeah, okay. I can remember these three things. Yeah, and it's worse than being single Which is like you can fuck whoever you want There are no rules because there's nothing to make a rule, right? There's no one that's like counting on you to be good or dependable like except for the people that you're sleeping with obviously Of course, but but the worst is having a significant other Yeah, who is allowing you to sleep with other people, but with all these different strings attached

It's a lot of bureaucracy red tape. Yeah, you also have to pay taxes for the other person for some reason Yeah, why is that it's not worth it to get an accountant involved? Yeah So I guess my advice to this person is to break up and if things are meant to be you guys will get back together when this Boo gets back from Asia. That's cool. And if they're not then You spent a couple months getting yours and that was probably fun This was written to us today. So after five weeks, will you please fill us in? I think it'll be roughly around New Year's Eve. Let us know how things went with both you and your man's hostile sex in Thailand

It'd be really fun to talk to them both Yeah, I have a feeling it'll be hard for him harder for him to sleep with people than he thinks And he's like I want the option and then it still might not happen. Yeah, I think it's gonna happen though That's awesome. There's not as much as he thinks but it can happen All right next question another lady This one is from the UK. So we'll call her of course my favorite UK city Bath nice Ball rights, I moved into a new place three weeks ago, and I'm appalled I

Had sort I had to sort this room out while I was out of the country So I didn't get to see it in person before moving in long story short It's a straight-up horror movie hordes of fruit flies appear if I open one banana and allow it to brown Maggots infest everything. That's not sealed in an airtight glass container There's cat hair piles in every corner of every room There are literal piles of shit in the cats shit box because my roommate clears it once every three days I don't even think my roommate has cleaned anything since she moved in a year ago So I've decided to GT fo good when I give notice

I'll have to explain why I'm moving out already Should I explain to her that she lives in a literal shit box or should I lie and make up some BS about moving to a new job? Thanks for your help keep doing you Let us well lie. It doesn't matter. You don't think she needs to know the truth Oh, I don't want to live here because it smells and everything is bad. You live in a shit hole. I guess like the What's the benefit of telling this person the truth that they might clean and make it a better situation for the next roommate? That's right So that's probably the right thing to do

But this you're under no obligation to do that at all. So if it makes leaving easier, yeah Like the the primo thing that you have to do here. Yeah, GT fo. Uh-huh. So like if you're Apprehensive to tell someone that their apartment is shit and that's why you're leaving So you end up sticking around a little longer because you're like worried about this uncomfortable conversation Then just lie to get out of there. Your first priority is you not having fruit fruit flies and shit in your apartment What if you do this little passive aggressive thing? We're like, I don't think I can live here I think like I have this weird aversion to maggots Like it's I don't know. I feel like I'm this weird. I have this crazy quirk where I don't like maggots

Like they freak me out like I like the fruit flies the fruit flies are fine The cat shit doesn't smell that bad, which is crazy because usually Yeah, how it's sort of dank it's really dank here like the maggots And it's not it's probably me. Yeah, like do you have any like thing that gives you like goosebumps like the nails on a chalkboard? You're like, oh, that's like a weird like I don't like that feeling So that's why I'm with maggots minds with maggots and like the other stuff really is like I don't mind dust Dink like the fact that you haven't cleaned any yours fine by me really The other idea that I have is to do sort of like a half measure

So like you give two reasons. Okay, like My my job that I just got is is on another side of town So I think I need to move to be closer, but like this place isn't a great fit for me. Anyway, I need somewhere that has That is cleaner clean ass clean. Hey, it's nice Uh-huh clean hands Sorry, you're why are you leaving? I don't like maggots, mate. You have a new voice. Oh, hey, just Clean hands. That's a new Zealand sling. I think you could move in with one of the maggots if it gets big enough somewhere Like some sort of farsight cartoon a giant maggots sitting at a dinner table

And he's like being sort of snooty and snotty where it's like, oh like you're eating you're eating um Spaghetti or you're gonna finish that. That's good or like you're eating like a rotten fruit Like don't just throw that old apple away says the maggot right because he it's good for him. Yeah Oh, or you know what it is. It's like he cooked you a really rotten pie and you're sort of looking at it Like apprehensively and he's like really I cooked you my favorite dish maggots try it Maggots are perfectly named. Yeah, like for like little larvae that are disease-ridden and move very Sloppily, there's something perfect about the name maggot

I like the name maggot That's actually what maggie is short for Oh Yeah, not like margaret. No, you know maggot simpson, right? Oh god. That's why she moves such You can't wait until you name your children maggot Uh, all right. That's it. Let's take a break. We'll come back on the other side of these Messages with some more questions and answers. Yeah Thank you to aura frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast

You know aura frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network jake. Wow, that's correct I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is Yeah, yeah, not just father's day But if for any uh, not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon These digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah for me personally these things are perfect I'll tell you why as you know, I am expecting. Yeah, uh, my first child We got one for jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys

Uh in our family right now, but they are They're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool So you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah frame This is actually how we how we told jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame We plugged it in jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit like uh, this is how I told my grandma. She was pregnant. Yeah

Yeah, kind of like a she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way By the way jill's jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jills grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes and we let her know with an aura. Yeah Thank you the aura announcement Uh, so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app Add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny Yeah, like your banana your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah

Yeah, exactly you can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display As soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift a really really iconic gift And right now you can save on the perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames. That's a you are a frames dot com And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to 30 dollars off plus free shipping on the best selling frames There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on june 18th. So don't wait terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames A u r a frames dot com Okay, go get your parents something. All right and use the code head gum for 30 dollars off plus free shipping right on Thank you, aura and now back to the headgum podcast you were listening to

This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and It's not necessarily easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area But better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional

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HELP.com slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help And we're back Jake. Do you have any? Oh, it's a lift I Do not doth you yeah, so yesterday, um, and I posted about this on my instagram story shout out to me God that makes me sad for you I ran out of tomato sauce, so I used cranberry sauce in my pasta with meatballs My theory was that tomato sauce is nothing but sweetened tomato jam of sorts And so why are we dedicating our italian dishes to tomato sauce?

When in theory tomato sauce Is more disgusting than any fruit sauce. I don't love tomatoes that much So i'm like, why don't I replace the tomato sauce with cranberry sauce? So here's Something I don't interrupt me You I you had to have been finished. Yes. I was at that point. I was just saying in general right continue for the future Yes, for just like a warning shot in the future. Let me finish. Yes. Let me finish. You did And I thank you. Excuse me. Fuck you. Thank you for letting me finish and I want you to keep doing so here's the interesting thing I was 100 sure that was a joke that it was a joke. Of course you've done stuff like that before where you know, like

You like do some kind of weird like paleo thing where you like Cooked a sausage or I was like the guacamole like leaving guacam an avocado in a bag for a month. Yeah, that's how I make guacamole Right, like you do like weird food shit all the time where you're like post something really disgusting You talk about how you cooked it or how you're gonna eat it. Yeah, so I like I was like, I guess he he must have just like Made extra he made a lot of pasta and he had extra and he didn't want to save it So you did this joke. Yeah That's insane. Yeah that you had that. That is so gross. Yeah, it's so bad. Well, here's my thinking

I've got your thinking that you just think that Sweet red sauce. So talk about vegetable. Sorry. Let me finish. Okay, tomato's a fruit Okay, tomato is a fruit. That's right off the bat. There's a gray area. Yeah, um, I think it's like both Thanksgiving sandwich. It's turkey. It's stuffing. It's cranberry sauce Is that disgusting to you? For me, yes. I don't I don't like cranberry sauce at all. Is that more disgusting? I prefer savory. Yeah, generally. Do you like teriyaki chicken? No, I'm serious. Do you like teriyaki chicken? Answer the question because if it's this is like

I don't want to be like antagonistic and like this has got your journalism I don't I don't want my blood to boil. You told me at the beginning of this conversation Don't interrupt you. Yeah, don't interrupt me. You said not interrupt me. I hate teriyaki chicken What are you talking about? Took the wind out of your sails there, didn't I? Orange chicken? Thoughts on orange chicken or general so I mean, are you a member of general so's army? I like them both. I'm not saying I dislike that stuff I like teriyaki chicken. I like general so's chicken. I just orange flavored chicken And cranberry chicken meatballs with pasta

It's all the same. It's bread. It's sweet fruit sauce and it's meat And it's me and because I put it in a weird bowl people are giving me gruff Yeah, I'm getting lambasted online I am getting the twitter sphere is a buzz and everyone's scolding me for this The zitri all I see on social media these days Uh, I just think it's a it's a unique shape of these three elements, but they've already existed and people eat it all the time I think cranberry sauce in in like in and of itself is a little polarizing Like I don't think people all like cranberry sauce. Mm-hmm. What?

So I mean, why didn't you just put butter on that? That would have been good butter and parmesan. See I don't like I don't like cheese It's so weird that you're like, you don't like cheese, but I do like cranberry sauce on my noodles Is your unsolicited advice to do this? No, my unsolicited advice is for you to go fuck yourself But since I'm here, why don't you why don't you have a bowl of strawberry freaking lasagna? My unsolicited advice is to Is to not listen to a mere fucking strawberry? Pineapple

No, imagine an apple palm Well, we're all eating eggplant with tomato sauce I want you to slice open a freaking Rasmut has smoothie and pour it on a pile of gnocchi This remembers me Reminds me a little bit of my friend Dan when we were in high school We like made mozzarella sticks and french fries after school one day Ew, and he thought that he's pouring salt on them

But he like put a bunch of sugar on it and he thought it was so fucking good. He thought he invented a new food Yeah, like cinnamon sugar fries Who says no to that? I I would I don't like sweet like that that is but you know, but the weird thing But then you dip you do dip the fries in a ketchup in a barbecue sauce I was even gonna say a milkshake at wendy's when you would get the frosty with the fries. That was so good Yeah, so why do they monopolize that? Honestly, like a lot of sauces are masquerading as non sugar sauces when that's exactly what they are like There's no difference between sweet and sour and apricot preserve

It's all the same is like people like that. That's why you put like salt on top of a cookie Yeah, salted this salted caramel. I don't I don't know. I think there's just some Food combinations that are objectively bad like you like you wouldn't put toothpaste on your meatballs Would you that would make them sweet? I'm obviously not gonna eat toothpaste. I resent the accusation that that's what I did You tilted your head and raised your eyebrows like you were I was considering it because what I did yesterday was put floss in a meatloaf That way I'm sort of dealing with oral hygiene while I eat with a mint floss I'll fill my waterpick with gravy and I'll just flush out my cavities with an aju

Christ Uh, but yeah, that's my unsolicited advice. I guess don't think of tomato sauce as this secret elixir No, it is not big tomato has its hands and it's in every italian pot. There's another option. There's a better option There's a cranberry option and there's a cran apple option There's a world where pizza was made with apple sauce and not tomato sauce Yeah, you know, do you like bloody Mary or do you like a vodka cran? And that's a great Metaphor for me because I hate bloody Mary's and you love vodka and I love vodka crann. I love the crann

What would you rather have? I would rather have vodka crann. I like I like my drink sweet. Yeah, so Why why stop it drinks is what I'm trying to say What about soup because you're a soup guy and you don't like tomato soup, but would you like a hot cranberry soup? That's a good question. I've never even heard of a hot cranberry. It's a hot sweet soup Let me do a google search for hot cranberry soups. There's not a lot of sweet soups Apple sauce is almost a soup. Yeah, hot apple sauce. That's soup ish. It's all like warm baby food Yeah, I'm seeing some raspberry cranberry soup Um, well, you are fucking welcome, dude. I just introduced you to your new favorite soup

Put the ball in there and you're good to go Oh, interesting. You can dip your balls in this soup. What do you mean? Like you're actually never mind You can dip your balls in any soup No, I'm just saying this will be like enough. It's got It's gotta be that have that steely resolve Actually, you can dip your balls in any soup. Somebody wrote us an email Um, that was asking for a senior quote You can dip your balls in any soup

Is not a bad you just have to be brave enough. Yeah, ben scambler writes in hey guys I need a senior quote And if you read this on the show and suggest something I'll use it as my quote. Thanks ben Cool. So you can dip your balls in any soup. You just have to be brave enough Yeah, because a lot of soups are either like Scalding hot liquid. I wouldn't want to do that. You want like a warm creamy soup Almost like a cream of mushroom that you left out for a little bit too long. Yeah Creme fraiche a french onion soup because then your balls are just resting on top of cheese

See, I don't like cheese in that way Like if I'm gonna tea bag a soup, it's not gonna be french onion. What soup would you tea bag? Um Maybe I think it would have to be Like a bisque or like a clam chowder. Yeah, you want the thickness To coat your sack. Yeah. Yeah, that way your sack is surrounded by the cream witness the thickness That's another senior Uh, all right, what else we got let's answer some more questions. Um I should say we are still making videos for our patreon patreon.com slash j a

inching very close to releasing it at, uh Groomsman speech that I gave at your wedding that is true. I'm excited for the world to see that say You really lambasted me on that one Oh, here we go Hey long time listener first time e-mailer Um, my name is Slim shady. Oh, I guess he's from america and I have an issue for the pinch. Fuck you amir na jk First date ideas, please in desperate need. We barely know each other, but there's definitely enough chemistry for a first date

I don't want any place where we can't talk like a movie or something But I don't know if I if just talking is a good idea either such as coffee or alcohol Please help. Thank you either such as either such as oh is it such a good idea either such as a coffee date All right, cool. So I won't make fun of the way he wrote it because you read it bad. That's right. Um Uh, I used to have a really solid go to Date first date in new york Because I didn't really date when I moved to LA and what was it? It was brooklyn bowl Which was bowling and drinking and it's combo. It's perfect. I think the gutter is also good

Oh, I mean any bowling alley where you can drink that's I think that's the perfect first date because You You can talk there's a game involved. So it's like fun and flirty and supportive If like she gets a strike or if you get a strike you could show that you're not a sore loser Yeah, there's and unless you are and there's like, you know, you can show off either way Like if you're good at bowling, that's cool And if you're bad at bowling you show off that you're in good nature about it and it doesn't bother you That's fine too. Yeah

And the other nice thing about having it be a game is like If there's any time where there's like, you know, if you're at coffee and you run out of things to talk about for a second There's like that moment of silence where you're like, so what else? Yeah, someone has to come up with a question. Yeah But with A game or something like bowling like oh, okay There's like all these natural breaks in conversation where you like have to not be speaking also things to talk about The game that's happening is a conversation started around you. Yeah, you can make fun of somebody else the guy that bowled differently if he had like a weird

Like a gimpy foot Imagine like just you can make fun of handicapable people. Yeah, like a guy without a foot bolt. What? I'm just saying you could make fun of Yeah Date with anybody one of your Your topics of conversation. I like the people that are less. Yeah, I saw I like to make fun of the less fortunate on a first date What's your aside from making fun of the less fortunate? That's pretty good. Why don't why don't I zoom out and like that's another senior quote You can make fun of a less fortunate on a date on a first date the first date

Zoom out a little bit any bar with games like black cat in new york. Was that what it was a fat cat or something? Yeah, was it a fat cat? Yeah some some cat It was that there was like ping pong there. Yeah and or connect for and or something that you can do Yeah, there's a decent amount you can like even I think you could probably like yelp that because there are Game bars Brooklyn had a whole bunch of games in it. Yeah, and even like upstairs in the counting room had jenga Yeah, I mean I'm just like let's just recount all of our first dates and any bar has a checkers in it. Yeah, you could I think Some place where you can distract yourself easily from like if the conversation hits a lull. Yeah That's a good thing for and also if you own a bar

Why don't you just tuck away a shit ton of games in the corner because nobody's if even if nobody plays the games That's fine, and it at least gives people something to do while they're sitting around a table Yeah, it's like when we brought past the pigs out at your bachelor party, which god damn was that good? Yeah, I had such a big regret that I didn't bring that out during Um Like as we were getting ready before my wedding. I heard yeah, you mentioned that in your vows Yeah, I said my biggest regret is not playing past the pigs before this Yeah, just to get me going and you were so choked up during that. Yeah, I thought that was a really sweet moment

I actually thought that was a really sweet moment Thank you for like talking me through that again stuck with me. Um, all right next question. Mm-hmm. Let's fucking keep it going All right, here we go A 21 year old guy from canada. We just got rid of a 21 year old girl from canada Got rid of do you mean talked to her? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I figure once I archive these emails there Dead Well, we you specifically asked that girl to talk to us in five weeks

Yeah, I guess she could stay alive for now. We'll call this guy Tehran Nice I'm a 21 year old guy from canada. Here's my problem. I dated a girl a while back. Let's call her anita It was nothing all that serious. We only dated for probably less than six months in total But overall it went fairly well We ended things at the start of the summer and I was pretty okay with it considering We both had to go to different cities for work purposes. However, since breaking up

I always had this lingering feeling that we could pick things up again as we're both back in our hometown this summer I guess I'm not expecting anything particularly serious as once summer hits It will be the same situation, but hell it's cuffing season We had a good time and to be quite honest. I'm lonely af I tried getting her attention casually at first throwing a few instagram likes her way Slid into some dms trying to spark up a conversation when I saw her in public All to an overwhelming amount of disinterest from her Eventually I gave up and moved on my feelings for her are completely gone until I caught wind that she's now dating a girl

Now she never gave me any signs that she was gay slash bi when we were together and frankly I'm fully aware that it's not my business, but now I can't help but want her again I'm overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy and inferiority. She occupies my thoughts almost 24 seven and I can't make it stop What can I do? Do you think the fact that she's dating a girl and not a guy has anything to do with the way I'm feeling? Have either of you ever been in this situation before? Please help Just knock it off man knock it off

He's like growing obsessed with this girl the less interest she gives him It's like she's so far removed from having anything to do with you now. You're like her You're some random guy she dated for a few months over a year ago And now she doesn't she's like not even attracted to your sex or at least Is attracted to this other person that's not your sex. Yeah, so like Just quit it. He demands an explanation. You don't deserve one. You don't get one I like that. I threw a few instagram likes her way nothing slid into her dms, and she was very Unresponsive. I even tried to make conversation with her irl and nothing was brewing

So now i'm totally over her except for the fact that I think about her 24 seven and i'm curious about who she's with And jesus christ as she gets further and further away. You're growing more and more intense Uh, she does not owe you an explanation. She Does not owe you a goddamn thing Uh, just find someone else. Yeah, I mean the the best way to get over whatever you're feeling is not to get like closure from from this person because Whatever is happening is happening in in your head not hers So like she does there's there's nothing that she can give you that will make you feel better

Would you say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else? No, because I don't know if this guy's ready for any relationship. It sounds Would you say that he deserves a big helping? of blueberry bolognese ballonese um, yeah, I guess my my um My advice for anyone trying to get over someone is to just

Shift your energy to someone else somebody be new somebody exciting You're probably just creating a narrative in your head. That's keeping you more obsessed growing To the point where you're thinking about her almost 24 seven. Yeah, I think the easiest way to shift from One person to another is to bring your focus back on yourself to do so you Focus on you and how you can make yourself better And then that will that takes the the laser focus away from this person unless you train it elsewhere After you've done some self-improvement. That's beautiful Or okay

That's a happy ending Like a massage. Yeah, like a massage where someone brought that up to the go You brought that up when the guy was going to Asia. Yeah I've been thinking a lot about happy endings and whether or not they're legal v e legal I feel like if we did like a bullet point of your advice this episode It was like get a happy ending in Asia. I make fun of people as fortunate and yeah the one put cranberry sauce on your meat Yeah pasta. It's just like this was like a really big You know turning for for you today like all everything I said was

Yeah, basically not nice or good to have Yeah, like everything that I brought up on this on this episode basically like from start to finish Oh, you also did the um, you know, like the passive aggressive thing to the roommate. Oh, yeah as an option to be like To basically not to be honest with yourself. Yeah, or somebody else, which is also. I think not good Yeah, like basically in total all my all the things that I said this episode were not good Yeah, right. Yeah, and then one of them was kind of mean a few of them were illegal And one of them was just being nasty to other people Yeah, right. How did you do?

I mean, I think we should call each other out on our bullshit. Yeah I think and I appreciate you doing it to me. Right. But now it's like let's yeah, what did you say? I don't know if I how many questions did we answer I think four So I think I went four for four and then I would even consider So overall I feel like I feel like I feel like me. Um, I think I'm coming between the two of us We did pretty good four of eight. Well, yeah, but it's not it's sort of like You know, I'm happy. I'll take what two baseball teams play each other. They don't you don't combine. I'll take it Yeah, I want to split that double header

I almost like pitched it's like I pitched to no hitter because I also did really well defensively And then I did because I said the cranberry I gave up a few runs But overall we ended up outscoring our opponent if I wasn't starting pitch Would you say I did fine? Like I had a you got shelled if you were starting pitcher because I like went ham on you I feel like I went six and I gave up like two earned But we ended up winning the game 11 to two or something like yeah, no you And now I'm gonna fucking detox with a hot raspberry puree

And an ice bath All right, thanks for emailing us if you have your own questions your own theme song submissions Send them all to if I were you show at gmail.com That closing one was dabbing on them haters. Oh this this uh, sorry that opening one was dabbing on them haters this closing one um Was a solid rap song with kind of long size. I'm saving it for the end this guy Calls himself cuck fin Me and two bros meet h2o not quite sure what it means, but hopefully it makes sense during the song

Thanks for writing in thanks for listening and of course, we'll be back next week Ciao But we'll figure out the details went on the beach with seashells and looking at the sea swells Bring them up for b12, but don't bring any females because all we need is three males To share a lovely outing and some pasta butter retail Obviously, it's no news to you how to have a good time with some macaroni and stew Stir it up thoroughly in a pot mix it to with the sauce if it's hot you should let it cool off Wait a minute

But we don't need a lake or sea to put this clean emotion out Just let me know on dog power whichever ocean's closest will be roasted weenies on the coast to retoast it We're jaking a mirror jaking jaking a mirror jaking jaking a mirror and me We're jaking a mirror jaking jaking a mirror take me to a puddle brook or a sea Let me know You That was a hit gum podcast