If I Were You - 36: Hollywoodn't

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

In this episode we discuss European football and American movies. Then we read some pages from a movie we wrote.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations they swear! Seconds. Another podcast. Seconds. Each app different from the last. Seconds. It's the swiss army knife of souls. Now let's meet you to empathic hopes to second to second Okay, here's a note for you.

You should have gone under the desk for the arms and emerged with the sunglasses on. Oh, that's good. Yeah. That's for next time. Like I went down to get the, yeah. Right, like I didn't see any sunglasses till you went away, then you come back up, sunglasses.

That would hit different. That's good. That's a good note. That's a really good note. Yeah. And one for our video viewers only. I think more people still listen to the podcast as opposed to watch it on YouTube, but you can do both. That's fair. Just as a reminder.

Yeah, you might as well. If you listen at your computer, sometimes I listen to podcasts at my computer when I'm kind of doing like activities that don't require a ton of brain space, you know? Yeah. And it'd be nice to play a little video in the corner. I don't really do that either,

but I think that's just because I'm a millennial. I saw you, you're watching the Tucker Carlson show on X. Yeah. So you did this whole thing about exposing Fauci for his war crimes. So I love Tucker and yeah. You shared the audio on a Zoom. Oh, I meant to share that just on Truth Social.

But I guess I shared it on Zoom as well. And I just, yeah, all I could hear was Tucker waxing. Yeah, I love Tucker. Like I couldn't believe that. Yeah. What do you think that is? They don't want you to say that, yeah. They don't want you to say that, but I wonder why that is. Like we heard that in the Zoom.

In the Zoom, in the room. Yeah. In the room, in the Zoom room, yeah. And you, just that small little clip radicalized half the company. Yeah, and I've also been in my Zoom, for any video viewers in my Zoom room, yeah. And you, just that small little clip, radicalized half the company. Yeah, and I've also been in my Zoom, for any video viewers in my Zoom backwards, I've been flying different flags,

Mrs. Justice Alito style. Like at half mast or full mast. Yeah, half mast, an upside down American flag, kind of dog whistling, lack of virtue signaling, et cetera, et cetera. Okay, shifting gears a little bit. Do you think there's any flag in the world and this is for $50?

That's another country's flag upside down. Ooh, I'll say yes. And do you want to know why I'm going to say yes? Because there are some flags like the Belgian flag or the Romanian flag or the Italian flag, the Irish flag. They're just three colors. So yeah, the upside down. Right.

Might be three different stripes. You probably said that because Belgium played Romanian soccer and you're like, oh, these flags are almost identical. Yeah, that's exactly correct. Yeah, it's like Belgium is black, yellow, red and Romania is dark blue, yellow and red. Right, yeah.

And they have a Tottenham player playing center back. Radu Dragushin. Radu? Radu Dragushin. Dragushin. Radu? Radu Dragushin. Dragushin. How do you do, Radu? Yeah, he's awesome. He's exactly what I want a soccer player to look like.

Which is? Short, thin hair, wet calves. You wish. You fucking wish. I've been betting on some Copa America and some Euro 2024 action. So I've been watching some matches. Let's, tell me all about them.

I bet on Portugal to beat Turkey. Good, they did. And they did. Yep. 3- did. Three zero. Three nil I should say actually. I bet on France to win and they tied somebody recently.

It was bad. Right, not great. Who'd they tie? Who did they tie? Was it the game that Mbappe did not play? Yeah, no he like hit a penalty kick and that tied him 1-1. Was it Georgia or something? Oh, okay, so it was the first game, right? I have no idea. Okay. And then I also bet on the United States of America to pound Bolivia, and they did

just that as well. Yeah, And how do you feel about the, now that the stage is set for the knockouts, we know who's in, we know who is out. Who do you think has it, and who do you think doesn't have it? I think Albania's not it this year, man. I think they, did they get eliminated? I don't see them move, they got eliminated.

They didn't have the right stuff. So that's not really, yeah. That's not an interesting take. Oh, oh, oh, kick the ball. Oh, oh, oh, the right stuff. Kick the ball, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Albania's out.

Estonia, I don't even think fucking made it. Right, mm-hmm. And who do you think has it though? Because you're saying who is out of the tournament. But who do you think is in the tournament? you're saying who is out of the tournament, but who do you think is in the tournament? Oh, like who's built different? Yeah, who is built different? Who's that dude?

Who's got that hog in him? Yeah, who's that Himian Mbappe? Who's that Himsciano Ronaldo? Yes, exactly, exactly. Radu Draguhim? Yeah, not England cause they were sort of zero zero draw their way back ass words into the next round. So we don't like them.

Well, I like them, but go on. I guess Germany is good, France is good, and Portugal is good. And I mean, so is Spain. So is Spain. You can't say Spain's not. Espana for sure. Espana.

For sure. Yeah. Yeah. I root for England because you're a Premier League fan or do you root for individual players because you're a fan of the world? I root for England because they've got Harry Kane who was the Tottenham goat.

And I love Harry Kane. And I think any Tottenham fan that disparages Harry Kane or thinks it's funny that he can't win a trophy is a bastard. Cause I think Harry's the, I love Harry. I love him. It's coming home. I want it to come home.

So, and I, and there's a lot of premier league players on that team that I like. But two things, one, Gareth Southgate, their coach sent home Tottenham's own James Madison, which I disagree with. The fourth president. Yeah, well, two D's with this Madison. But he sent him home.

He cut him from the squad just before the tournament. So there is a little bit of resentment for for me there that like I want Harry to win but if they don't, I want it to go so badly for Southgate that he has to resign slash get fired. I think he plays uninteresting, uninspired, boring ass safe football, and it's not fun to watch. There I said it. What about if Southgate gets into like a, kind of a Watergate style controversy? Yeah.

So it's like, I've been following Southgate Gate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been following Southern Southgate Gate. That'd be kind of cool. Like, you see what happened. Yeah. Yeah.

It'd be interesting. It could be, could be. I also root for any team that has a Tottenham player on it. So they were talking Romania. We were talking the Netherlands with our very own Mickey van de Ven, Mickey my van de friend. They also kind of fucked up recently.

They were supposed to win and they like tied or lost. Yeah, but they were already through. You know, they were already through. I think they, I think, oh yeah, they ended up losing, but like they were, they were through. They were through. Yeah. But yeah, I, the Netherlands, Portugal, who else has a,

oh, Denmark, big fan of Denmark. We should say that half these teams will be eliminated by the time this episode comes out. That's possible. It's not really evergreen, but it's like an 11 day old recap. Totally. Let's say the last Tottenham player involved

in the tournament, Guglielmo Vicario, the backup goalkeeper on Italy. So I do want him to get his ship. You know, in hockey, they pull the goalie when they're down one because they need an extra skater out there. Why don't they do that in football? You're down one nil, get the fucking goalie out there.

I know they do it sometimes for corner kicks or penalty kicks, but I want legit the goalie fucking playing forward, kicking the ball, trying to score a goal with his huge ass mittens. Right, I mean, it's just, it's really easy. I guess it's easy to, in hockey too, it's just very, like the counter can happen so fast. But they do, the goalie will come up.

I love when the goalie comes up for a corner. It's super exciting. Yeah, are they good? I guess they're tall so they can hit it in. Yeah, Becker from Liverpool got a header to win the game, I think a few years ago. It happens, it's awesome. Even an oops, all goalie game could be interesting.

You know what else is interesting? Goalies versus forwards. Sometimes the goalie will get like a red card. You know, if they make like a tackle outside their box, if they pick up the ball outside their box, yeah, no goalie, and then a player will take goal, like Harry Kane, Olivier Giroud have both played in goal after the goalie gets.

Do they get the mittens? Yeah, yeah, they get the mittens. They become the goalie. They get the mittens? Yeah. They become the goalie, that's cool. Okay, one last pitch for the pitch. If ever, you can choose two to five goalies and they can all do

the thing, the goalie thing. So like you smack dab at the midfield and you're just like preventing people from crossing with your mittens, with your hands and you can roll the ball. Yeah, I think that puts it even for a goal. I mean, you can see how much of an advantage the goalies are at And even for a goal. I mean, you can see how much of an advantage the goalies are at on, you know, corner kicks and crosses by being able to jump up and claim the ball. I think if there were five people on the pitch that could do that, it would just be game over.

It'd be interesting, right? It'd be cool. Tell me about this pitch. Gareth Southgate, if he's barely a coach, what about Barreth? Barreth Southgate, is there anything there? Barreth? No, because it's not barely.

Yeah, totally. Yeah. All right, cool. And he is a coach. Yeah, barely, Barreth. No, he is, he's got ahead of the team. But I just don't think he's doing a good job at all. He's like Barreth. This is I just don't think he's doing a good job at all. He's like, this is segments.

What do you want me to say? It's a show constantly evolving. One minute we can talk about new rules for food bowl and the next we can talk about fucking anything we want. That's the joy of the show. Exactly. We can talk about this or that. And we will.

Let's revisit this whole Barathe thing. There is- No, I feel like we've already- There's a there there. Dead horse. The horse is already gone, baby. You're hitting a bone with another bone. And there's a little moisture in that.

Bone on bone collision. Yes. A meniscus is torn and we're feeling that friction and it's not joyous. Yeah. Kind of resemble a character from Challengers, a movie that I watched yesterday. I just shaved.

You shaved, you got the hair, you got the red hat on backwards. It is a MAGA hat, I should say. Yes, that's right. I'm not gonna turn it around right now, but yeah. It's a Keep America Great hat, 2020 vintage from the stolen election. One of the characters plays tennis at Stanford.

So he wears a backwards red hat in a scene like this, looking like you playing tennis, but you didn't see challengers yet. I didn't see challengers. I thought about it. I thought about it and I was going to see it. And now at this point, it's kind of left the cultural conversation. So I think

I will never see it. But there was a weekend where I was, I was on, I even loaded it. I was like, Jill, do you want to watch this? Because someone had told us to watch it. And then she wanted to watch something else. I can't quite remember what it was. We were watching. We were like also watching the real housewives of Beverly Hills or something. It was something like that, it was like a reality show that we were watching and then, or we could like watch this good movie and we're like, no, let's just like finish this dumb reality thing

we started and I don't even know what it was. Well you can still watch challenges. Yeah, but I won't now, now that moment has passed, that ship has sailed. It's come and gone. Yes. All right, maybe if you find yourself watching tennis and then it's like, oh, now I'm in the tennis mood.

Cause there's a lot of tennis in the movie. Yeah, I like that. Are the kids actually good at tennis? Like is Zendaya good at tennis? They lean more actors and less real tennis players. So like the acting is better than the tennis. I see. But they did teach them how to hit enough,

but the ball is always digital. So they But they did teach him how to hit enough, but the ball is always digital. So they just had to teach him how to like swing hard. And then you'll just see a cartoon ball fly in and out. Damn, I'm jealous. Yeah, they just sort of, they're form perfect. I don't know if they can actually hit a ball. But it's very tense and sexual and interesting.

Anyway, you didn't see challenges. You did see Hitman. Yeah, so that got us talking about films, about movies, and we did both see Hitman. Okay, quick, we don't have a lot of time here, but we gotta do a quick, a hit on Hitman. Yeah. So this is a movie about Glenn Powell.

It's a movie starring Glenn Powell. It's not exactly about Glenn Powell, because I think he's playing a character. I think the character in the movie has actually never fucking heard starring Glenn Powell. It's not exactly about Glenn Powell because I think he's playing a character. I think the character in the movie has actually never fucking heard of Glenn Powell. Okay, I think he's trying to disappear into the role. Sorry, you thought Hitman was a movie about Glenn Powell? Let's, oh, that's pretty interesting.

How about that? Ah, I wonder why that is. I wonder why you thought it was about Glenn Powell. I mean, come on. Did you, sorry, did you think Challenger's was about Zendaya or is it about a character? Kind of, yeah. It's kind of about Zendaya, yeah.

Is it really about Zendaya? Or is it about a character she's playing? Well, she plays herself. Really? I didn't see Challenger, So I'm actually not sure. I got kicked out for choking on popcorn during the trailer. So they really shouldn't kick you out for choking. That's not on me.

They thought I was doing it on purpose because it happened two times. It happened three times in a row. Right into two Heimlichs. It was corndog Heimlich into popcorn Heimlich into coffee on raisinettes so loudly that they're like, you just can't be here, man. I'm not choking this time. I'm just having a hard time getting them down.

I'm fine. Stop giving me the heimlich. I'm telling you, I'm okay. It's just that I don't like to chew them a lot. I like to try to swallow early. Swallow early and often. Did you like Hitman starring Glenn Powell? I'll tell you what, I thought that it was an entertaining watch, which was kind of all

that I really wanted it to be. But as soon as you start thinking about it a little bit, it doesn't really stand up to, I don't know, there's a lot of holes in the logic. And I think my biggest issue with the movie was that Glenn Powell in the first, there's supposed to be a conflict between this character, this guy he's playing

that's playing the hitman. I believe the hitman's name is Roy, and then he's playing that's like playing the hitman. I believe the hitman's name is Roy. And then he's also a teacher. And his teacher persona, who he really is, is named Gary. And it's like, oh, Gary's like a timid, nervous teacher and Roy is the cool, confident killer. But I was like, there was no difference between them to me.

Gary was a hot teacher that was pretty funny and charming and Roy was... Roy was a hot assassin that was pretty funny and good and I don't think that Glenn... It's kind of interesting that he can choose like the idea that you can choose to be Gary or Roy like why would he ever choose to be Gary he should just always be Roy if you can. But it kind of culminates in like this, oh my God, which path am I? Am I a Gary or am I a Roy? And I'm like, they are not different.

Yeah. They're basically the same. You have a lot of confidence. One just has glasses. Yeah. Yeah. So I think- If you're good at sex, then you can pretend to be good at sex. Right.

But like, it's not like Gary couldn't be good at sex. Yeah. Unless he harnessed Roy. So I could have done with a little bit more, like the thing I mentioned to Jill was like Heisenberg, Bryan Cranston's like science teacher who was just like constantly getting shit on, like so meek, so timid.

And then when he would do that turn and be Heisenberg, when he like broke the kid's arm in the thrift store, I was like, that I can believe this guy is like wrestling with two different personas. For Gary and Roy, I was like, there's no drama there. But that said, I thought it was a fun watch. Yeah, it was fine more than anything. I think it was, yeah, it was like a B movie,

but you're saying it's better, it's easier to imagine a nerdy teacher being a scary assassin who's like a nerd versus a hot guy who's also a nerdy teacher. You can't buy the nerdy, the hot guy being nerdy, but you can buy the nerdy guy being a badass. I guess, yeah, I guess so. But I think they could have just,

like also he disappears into so many different, like he has like the weird teeth sometimes, by the nerdy guy being a badass. I guess, yeah, I guess so. But I think they could have just, also he disappears into so many different, he has the weird teeth sometimes, he plays all of these different killers. So I think he has it in him to play a really meek, really nerdy professor, but he just never really did for this movie. So I think the flaw was in the writing and the directing.

Yeah, it's weird that it wasn't a movie in theaters. It was just a Netflix movie, right? Yeah, but I feel like now he's gonna be able to do anything he wants, because Glenn Powell was great in the movie. He's a fun watch. Yeah, he's got the rom-com, he's got the action, and he can do it all.

Yeah, yeah, he can. Because he's Gary and he's Roy, if necessary. He's Gary and Roy, he's got the action and he can do it all. Yeah, yeah, he can. Because he's Gary and he's Roy if necessary. He's Gary and Roy, he's Glenn. At the end of the day, he is Glenn. There was a part of the movie that had me and Avi Tall confused, like when the, this is kind of granular and plot related, so sorry if you haven't seen it. There was a point where the boyfriend of the girl,

the love interest, or the husband of the love interest was like, I want you to kill somebody for me, right? Yeah. He hired Glenn without knowing it was Glenn. Right, exactly. And then the whole thing is like a sting operation to have him arrested, but then like instead of getting him arrested,

which he easily could have in that moment, the police was waiting to arrest him. He's like, get out of here. And then he just like helped him escape. And then it's like, now we gotta like figure out how to get him. But it's like, you had him right where you wanted him. Like this was perfectly set up to have him arrested.

You let him go so he could kill you or you could kill him or. I think that they, I think that the creators behind the movie right there might be saying that was Roy taking over from Gary. Cause Roy in that moment is more like, I'm gonna just, I lost my cool, I got emotional, I intimidated this guy when Gary,

it's now confusing me cause his name is Glenn. And that sounds more nerdy. The third normal name. But yeah, no, Gary was the one that should have completed the sting operation. That might have been a little afraid of this guy that's like, this is gonna be better with him behind bars. But Roy was like, no, I'm not gonna get this guy arrested.

I'm gonna just stand up to him myself. Yeah, and then he just escaped. But it's like, he was helping the bad guy escape. But I guess it would have ruined the movie if they just arrested him then and there. Yeah, and then he just escaped. It's like he was helping the bad guy escape. But I guess it would have ruined the movie if they just arrested him then and there. Yeah. They needed him at large, but I didn't quite understand the motivation

as to why the character was helping him escape. Right, I mean, I think it was the, I think it was just not being able to keep his cool in the moment. All right, well, what are you gonna do? And it did need to happen because that guy did need to not be arrested. It would have ruined the,

it would have made the movie impossible. Yeah, oftentimes the answer is like, yeah, we needed to do that so that the movie could be longer, better, and more interesting. And actually, since we're talking about movies, we should go to break and come back. And we were talking about doing this segment later,

but I feel like it's apropos now. A nice segue. A nice segue into the movie that we wrote. Yes, exactly. Cause like people are like, all right, wise asses, you poked fucking one plot hole, if that in this film. Have you ever written a movie? Can you do better?

Like let's see your fucking movie. Yeah. All right. And the answer is hell yes. The answer is fuck yeah, we can. Because we wrote a capital M masterpiece 11 years ago. And we're gonna read it. And we'll read because it was never made.

Yeah. It was never made. But we'll read it. And it will be on the blacklist by the end of this episode. You will be saying, why didn't they make that movie? It was perfect. You and I haven't read it in 10 years, we should say. So we don't actually, I don't-

Because of politics. It was all politics. Yeah, it was politics. We couldn't sell a ham sandwich in the room. So we were kicked out of the circuit and system. We couldn't raise the budget because we didn't have a star attached. Yeah, we were stonewalled from the industry.

We were blackballed from the town. We were ice cold. Yeah. We were cold that year. And since then. Hollywood was more like Hollywood not, okay? Hollywood not. Hollywood wouldn't for us, okay?

I sent this to a director and he had to take, he had a few questions on it, but we never circled back. We never circled back. And met with him. Yeah. You couldn't get him attached because he was detached. He was detached.

He was completely detached from the whole project and from you. We couldn't get any interesting eyes on the project because we didn't have the heat behind our reps to get that to happen. It comes back to the agents because we have the body of work. We are saleableable we did our job

you you have to you have to in good faith you have to earn your 10% in good faith. You sent me a list of who to send it to yeah you didn't send it to the list. Why don't you put me on BCC okay okay? And I'm gonna start CCing my lawyer so he can earn his 5% because you're not earning your 10. And maybe the manager is gonna get his 10, okay? The tax man's gonna get his 30, that's for sure. We were dropped by our reps shortly thereafter. Yeah, in bad faith.

They couldn't get anyone to read the project. Yes, let's take a break and anyone to read the project. Yes. Let's take a break and we'll read the script. All right. This episode is brought to you by ReSlayer's Take. That's right. So if you're looking for a new, all ages tabletop role playing adventure,

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Right on. This show is sponsored by Better Health. That is correct. Jake, it may look like everybody has their life together on Instagram, but you know what? In reality, they probably don't. Yeah, I agree, probably not. Therapy can help you focus on what you want

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Thank you, BetterHelp. And we're back. Yes. So the movie in question was called The Last Supper. segments. Thank you, BetterHelp. And we're back. Yes. So the movie in question was called All In. And it was about shortly, simply put, two friends, not unlike our characters from the

web show, which was the heart of everything we wrote. And one of them wanted to put his entire life savings on a roulette spin. And we're gonna take a road trip to do that. Yeah, it's a road trip comedy culminating in the main character putting his life savings on red or black. I forget which color it was.

Yeah, he was like, I guess he was like, kind of like a risk averse guy who like didn't have enough money for law school or something. He's like, and then you're like the cool guy, like let's just go to Vegas and fucking put it all like, well, like God decide. No, I think you're the cool guy. I'm the one that I'm the lost. Oh, really? Yeah. What were we thinking? Okay. I was the wild and crazy one. It was like, we got to go to Vegas and put it all on red. I am reserved. And then you're like, yeah, I don't know. This is a bad idea, but like, I convince you to do it.

Here's a question before we start reading. Do you remember what your name is in this movie? I do not. I think. Because again, it was written in 2014. I can't think of my name. 2013. But I think your name was Aiden. Okay. All right. Okay. So let's-

Aiden and Mikey and Sam, there's a third person. I think I'm Sam and Mikey, we wrote for Ben Schwartz. Interesting. Yeah. So this was- So it's a three-hander. It's a three-hander and it's written by me and you, starring me and you, but we fully, I mean, it's me, you and Ben. We wrote it for the three of us.

Got it. And we're all in our mid-twenties because we were at the time. That's right. Okay. So we're just gonna read what the cult, like the, is this the open? I don't even know.

Let's start on page two, which is interior Winnebago of us riding and we reveal who these characters are. All right. Exterior New Britain, Connecticut day. We open on a serene suburban road. It is springtime in New England. All of the sudden an out of control 1988 Winnebago careens up and over a hill blaring Holland 1945

by Neutral Milk Hotel. Great song, seriously listen to it, it's awesome. And it's true. That's cool, it's like jokes in the fucking scene direction. Yeah, so you know we're industry insiders. I'm talking to a producer right there. Okay. Yes. Man one off screen.

This is all off screen because we're only seeing the car from the outside. Right, exactly. So I'll be man one and you be man two and three, I guess. Okay? Okay. All right. Stop the car.

We're gonna die. Or are we finally gonna live? The Winnebago narrowly dodges a honking Mack truck and continues barreling down the road. Straight, right, left. Wait, my left or you? That's man three. Yeah, I'm my three and two.

Straight, right, left. Wait, my left or your left? Same left! The Winnebago destroys the mailbox. I mean, this is an exciting opening to be sure. Yeah. Whoa! Relax, it was a mailbox.

Yeah, we'll leave a note. In what? Oh, nice joke, yeah. You. Yeah, we'll leave a note. In what? Oh, nice joke, yeah. You gotta have a joke on the first page. Almost there, keep her steady. Tell me when, now. The Winnebago makes a hard left and drifts perfectly into a driveway and stops on a dime.

From inside the Winnebago, we reveal our heroes. In the back seat, Aidan Snirt. Aidan Snirt, 25, kindhearted, as optimistic, and as smart as a child. Good. Is covering the eyes of our driver, Mikey Starr, 26, smooth talking and lean frame. That's Ben.

Thank Ben Schwartz. There we go. And now your line. We made it. And then Ben's, I told you I could get home. I told you I could get home blindfolded. Writing shotgun is Sam Cooper using my own middle name. 25, smart, all American, too practical to ever be happy.

I didn't say you couldn't, I said you shouldn't. Nice, I think that's both of our middle names technically. Really? Cooper? Mine is Hebrew for Sam. Oh, that's interesting. So your middle name and mine combined. I wonder why- It's the perfect character. I wonder if the directors that they sent this script to

got that. Yeah, we should have- They should have had Yoruma Tikhon sort of dig into that. If we could have had a meeting, if we could have gotten to even just, even just get their hands on the script and discuss it with them, it would have come out. And that would have been really,

that would have been something they could have stuck their teeth into. I mean, this is small budget comedy. Like this is exactly what you guys need. All we need right now is a car. We just five million, yeah. Should we keep going? All right, this is, you know how, this is exactly what you guys need. All we need right now is a car. All we need right now is a car. Yeah, should we keep going? All right, this is, you know how,

this is our save the cat moment. Every script is supposed to have the hero, quote unquote, doing something cool in the beginning. And this is me, I'm embarrassed to read this actually, cause I think this is like something we thought was cool at the time. So let's see what happens. Okay.

As the guys approach their apartment, they see an eviction notice on their neighbor's door, which is barricaded shut. An officer stands outside on the stoop with their neighbor, Nadia Katriova, and her four young children, one of whom has a stuffed penguin. The stuffed penguin is in all caps,

so keep an eye on that, it's gonna come back later. You're gonna wanna get that prop, but again, it's super affordable, because after all, this is a small budget comedy. We can get 10 of them. Mikey says to him. I thought I smelled a pig, and the officer says, what? And Mikey, being a quick talking bench ward says,

I said, would you like some pig? We have full pork sliders in the kitchen, some hot sauce too, maybe a Coca or an RC Cola. Sam, what's going on here? Officer, Ms. Katya over here has not paid a rent in two months, she's being evicted. Nadia is sobbing and muttering in Russian. Not exactly sympathetic anymore.

Begging to be let back in. She's a spy. Mikey takes the infant off of Nadia's hands. So Ben Schwartz holding a baby, a la hangover, very good. Sam says, come on, sir, she's got four kids. You can't kick her out of the street. What we can't do is allow her to live in a lovely two bedroom apartment for free.

Angle on the outside of the apartment. It is clearly a shit hole. A cockroach calls out from under the door. Sam thinks for a second then, well, actually, Miss Catriova is in the middle of filing a special defense case with the new Britain court. What? Aiden cradges down next to Nadia's four-year-old daughter

as he does the got your nose routine. She immediately starts crying. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's good. All right. I'm glad we went with a little bit of a joke here. Aiden takes out his nose and puts it on the child. She stops crying.

That's nice. There we go. Sam says, here in New Britain, Connecticut, you're entitled to an inspection of your home by a housing mediator withholding payment as is a renter's right in the case of serious rebuilding and or health code violations. And I'd say the rotting foundation coupled

with the cockroach infestation and what I suspect is asbestos in the ceiling right here. Ms. Katriova has quite a case. I'm sorry? Mikey, Ben says, Apology accepted, sir. Now please unlock this woman's door. The officer takes the lock off

and opens the front door. There's a donkey in the kitchen. That's pretty good. A fucking burro. Ben says, Get that inspector over here ASAP. That bug is the size of a jackass. All right, now we're cooking with gas.

The script is heating up. Yeah, this is great. We can't do the donkey for budgetary reasons, obviously, but it's nice to know that you guys are thinking. Yeah, goats are cheaper. The officer shakes his head and walks away. Nadia and all of her kids hug Sam. Aiden's four-year-old friend hands Aiden her stuffed penguin.

Again, capitalized. You're gonna wanna remember this penguin. Yeah, Aiden says, thank you. Then Mikey, Benny says, I know it's tough to keep it all together sometimes. If you ever need some guidance, I'm your man. Mikey hands Nadia her infant back and he's holding it and oh,

and the infant is holding a business card. It reads, Mikey Starr, life coach, making dreams come true since 2002. Technically I started in 2008, but I thought the rhyme worked, but I thought the rhyme really worked. I mean, this is fine so far. We got three characters who are distinctly different. I guess Aiden and Mikey are kind of similar.

Right, but Ben's kind of trying to make something of himself, he is a life coach. You are, I don't know, have some kind of stunted development issue, you're just impossibly dumb. I'm more of a Roy than a Gary. You're a ward of the state. This is actually a Roy. Ben's more of a Glen.

Yeah, Roy, Gary, and Glen are the three characters here. All right, yeah. And then it looks, that's the, so that's our save the cat. We are, we show that we're a little crazy. Yeah, we're wild in the Winnebago and then, but then we're cool and compassionate as neighbors. Correct. So do you wanna keep going or should we call it?

Let's read this next scene cause it's like, it sets up what this movie is. I think or I hope, now that I'm scanning it, we might not. Interior guy's apartment continuous. It is ugly, depressing and dank. It looks like somebody held a garage sale there in 1979 and no one bought anything. That's a good, All right, your line.

Sam Cooper, attorney at Lawsome, Ben says. You are in Brockovich disaster. Sam and Aiden plop onto the couch. Sam puts a newspaper down underneath him. Mikey flips on an ancient TV. Casablanca is playing. That's all caps as well. You're gonna wanna remember that.

Why is that? I'll remind you. Aiden's line. Oh, holding the penguin. I think I'm gonna give this little guy to Donna. She's gonna love it. Are you sure? Why wouldn't she? Well, just because Donna doesn't exist.

Mikey says, not this again. Gets up and go to the kitchen. Wow, just because we met online. On Bumper Buddy. Bumper Buddy is the best way to meet potential ladies in your area. And yet Donna lives on the other side of the country.

All right, reading it now, it seems a little expository and unnatural, but this is the way things were written in 2015. Well, I tried our zip code and several ones around it, but then I tried the entire Tri-State area and I couldn't find anyone who was interested in anything more than a meaningful, anything more meaningful than a random hookup,

which is why I set the love radius to desperation mode. I just don't want you to get hurt. I mean, Donna is a stranger. Stranger equals danger. Mikey returns from the kitchen holding three beers. Stop it, no more dad rhymes. I can't believe you guys are fighting on our 20 year friend-iversary.

Mikey hands out the beers. Beers, they were cool, we're drinking beer. Whoa, is that today? Mikey says, that's right, on this date in 1993, Aiden and I saved your life, Sam. Do you remember that? I was choking on a ham sandwich. You saw me and I yelled for help.

There's not a lot of jokes in the scene yet. If I had to give ourselves- We have to establish why we know each other. Yeah. Mikey says, and who came to the rescue, but little Aiden, six years old, still two feet tall somehow, but he had seen enough episodes of Rescue 911

to know that you needed the Heimlich. And just not enough, and then I say, just not enough episodes to know what the Heimlich was. So I gave you mouth to mouth. Which caused me to vomit. Thus saving your life. And I thank you for that. Don't mention it.

Actually, this is kind of like challenge. I know you haven't seen challengers, but this is very similar so far. Childhood best friends giving each other mouth to mouth at a certain point. Oh, that's kind of cool. And then Mikey says, and to celebrate our time as best friends forever,

I don't know, I thought we'd win the lottery if the fates allow. Mikey starts handing out lottery scratch tickets. Aiden is overjoyed. We're gonna be rich. Ben sings, I wanna be a billionaire, so does my dad. Mikey and Aiden laughing, now we're eating up. I don't think it's up to fate

to decide who wins the lottery. Don't come at me with your logic. You know what your problem is? You're afraid of losing, so you'll never win. I'm just saying, you shouldn't play the lotto if the jackpot is under $130 million. Why does that matter? The odds of winning the lotto are one in 130 million, meaning your $1 bet should yield a the jackpot is under 130 million dollars. Why does that matter? The odds of winning the

lotto are one in 130 million, meaning your one dollar bet should yield a higher jackpot than 130 million dollars for the risk to be worth your investment. It's so hot when you talk like a calculator. You've never had a girlfriend, right? Just checking. Mike, tap Sam's penis. Do not touch my penis. In the apartment, got it. Ben says, in the apartment, got it. Ever, don't touch my penis ever. Aiden finishes his scratch off and gas, winner, winner, chicken lunch. And that's the trailer line.

It would be funny if I just won $130 million right then. The rest of the movie is about that. Oh, joke's on you. So casual. Ben pretty happy. Looks like it was worth the risk. Yeah, he only won $25. Which might come in handy one day.

Aidan stuffs the winning ticket into his pocket. Sam scratches off my ticket. Yeah, well, I got nothing. Me neither, but what a rush. Sam tosses his lottery ticket on a stack of mail and walks into the kitchen. Mikey notices an envelope and grabs it. Hey Sammy baby, you got a letter.

Mike follows Sam into the kitchen, a thick ass letter from Stanford University. What's that about? Sam says, it's probably nothing. Oh yeah, Stanford's coming back. Mikey starts to open it. Hey, that's a federal crime, come on. Mr. Samuel Valerie Cooper, Valerie again,

you really gotta change your middle name. It is with great pleasure that we congratulate you on your acceptance to Stanford University Law School, what? I snatch it, stop fudging with me. I was on the wait list. I didn't think people actually got in off the wait list. Holy shit, we're in, we're moving to California. Mikey starts grinding against Sam.

That's where Donna lives, it's perfect. Aidan starts grinding against Sam as well. No, no, no, no, I can't go. Don't grind on me, please. Oh, I see, so you got into Stanford and we can't afford it and that's why we do the road trip. I see, I see. Exactly. got into Stanford and we can't afford it. And that's why we do the road trip. I see. Exactly.

So I have, right. Okay. So let's, we'll pause it here. We are on page 10. We can obviously finish this if anybody gives a shit. But so I think, yeah, what's happening here is I say, I can't afford Stanford. You guys are going to say exactly how much money

we all have put together. And then we realize that we're halfway to Stanford tuition. And if we just gamble it, we can go all the way. Yes, but we need to go to Vegas together to gamble it because we gotta play roulette and double our money that way. And the Casablanca thing, do you remember? Like we put it in there because I think we wanted

to like use some lines from it, because it's about a casino. And we, do you remember this like weird thing that happened where we like had like a recurring thing where we were gonna put money on 22 Black as like a big part of the movie. And then we found, then we like both watched Casablanca and they say 22 Black in Casablanca.

And so it's like a reference to that. Yeah, and it like made our reference when we found out, we were like, whoa, this is actually, it's coincidentally way, way cooler of a reference than we even thought, cause we thought it was, we thought we were just gonna say, here's looking at you kid or something. Well, no spoilers.

We're only on page nine. Yeah, no spoilers for all in. We'll keep on reading. It's tough because we basically need a third person to read with. Yeah, maybe we can wait till Ben is on the show again and then he can do it. Or we can eliminate one of the characters really.

I don't know why. Right, we can arguably combine Mikey and Aiden. Yeah. They're borderline the same character as is. Which might have been one of the issues. I wonder if Ben never did we wouldn't have ever even given it to Ben would we? I think we were probably waiting till we got further along which never happened again because we didn't get a director attached we didn't get a actor attached so it was just sort of yeah in limbo and then eventually it didn't happen. I'd be kind of curious to look at our old email and just see what the last thing about All-in was like we wrote it on spec because somebody told us to and then did they ever try to get anyone to read it?

Like I think the last thing, I don't even remember it being like close to anything. Yeah, the last thing was in my emails, like two years after we wrote it that says, we're talking to our indie department. I guess agents started producing their own independent movies and wanted to read this to see if there was anything there to like making this for like $3 million.

I see. Well, we're still down. I mean, it's obviously, we'd have to cast 25 year olds, I suppose. Well, the problem is now $3 million cost $6 million. So we need to take that 3 million and put it all in. And that will fund the movie. There you go.

It's a meta behind the scenes look at how to raise cash for a film. It's meta for a metaphor. Exactly. Okay, that was good. Let's constantly touch base and see if we can nudge along further in the script until we have a full on table read that we can sell.

We'll read 10 pages at a time. 10 pages at a time. Yeah, like a- And I believe, do we have another movie? We have another movie. Do we? Well, there's one that we wrote with Ben that maybe we'd have to ask him

if we could read it on our podcast. Oh, right, that one. Okay, yeah, we'll get through this one first. Yeah. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hugely helpful sponsor. That's right.

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Yeah. And they do an audit. Yeah. And I was spending $11 million a year subscribed to one of the most expensive and exclusive OnlyFans around, that's right. A rare metals dealer was taking close to $2.5 million off of me per quarter and sending me a gem or rare precious metal in the mail and I totally forgot to cancel. And it was a PO box, I don't even know where those ended up.

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Yes, yes. Last week, I sort of shared a segment idea that was a little half baked where you were trying to define words. Like I gave you the word Nougat and you tried to define it. Didn't really have many legs. But then I thought, what if we flip the script, mundane definitions and I have to tell you what word that is. So that way it's not like, yeah, that's sort of close. It's like, you gave me the definition,

I'll give you what word it is. There's a right answer. Yes, exactly. But the words are kind of mundane, like chair or smile, but the way they define it is kind of ambiguous. I see. So my words definitely aren't as easy as smile,

but let's see how we go, all right? Okay. Fine plaster used for coating wall surfaces or molding into architectural decorations. Fine plaster? Fine plaster used for coating wall surfaces or molding into architectural decorations. Is it just paint? No. It is. Go ahead. Do you have a guess? No, it is. Is it? Go ahead, do you have a guess?

Into decorations is kind of the confusing part. Is it plastic? I believe it's the material your house is made out of. Oh, what's it called? Drywall? No. That goes, that's the inside for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Time is up. I was looking for- Plaster. No, stucco. Stucco, that's correct. All right, let me give you one. A material made of a network of wire or thread. Material made of a network of wire, cloth? No, a material made of a network of wire or thread.

An interlaced structure is the second definition. An interlaced structure is the second definition. An interlaced structure. A sweater? I'll tell you, this is much more mundane. This is a mundane definition or a mun definition for short. But I mean, it's some kind of fabric. We're talking about cross stitch. Yep, yep, yep.

But think of wire or metal fiber. Oh, metal. I see. So I thought I, okay. I totally missed that part. We're talking about a screen. No, not a screen. We're talking about a colander, a strainer.

No, no. We're talking about, fuck it, tell me. Maybe people are yelling at their podcasts at home or in a car, but we're talking about mesh. Mesh. Well, I mean, mesh is a screen. Okay, fine, fine.

Screen is a mesh. The definition of mesh. Mesh, okay. A small, excuse me, a low upholstered seat or footstool without a back or arms that typically serves also as a box. Is all your stuff home decor related? An Ottoman?

That's correct. Oh, okay. All right, here's one. I got one for you. All right. A type of language that consists of words and phrases that are regarded as very informal. Common?

No. Oh, slang? Yes, slang. Slang. And here's one for you if you think all of my things are home decor related. Either of two small masses of lymphoid tissue in the throat, one on each side of the root of the tongue.

I know this one. Yeah, you do. Is it nodes? I don't know if they're a type of node, but that's not what I'm looking for. I don't think it's a node. It's not lymph node. It's not a lymph node.

Thyroid, lymph node. I don't think so. Nodes in the throat. Say that again, nodes in the throat. Either of two small masses of lymphoid tissue in the throat. One on each side of the root of the tongue. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I got it, I got it,

I got it, it's tonsil. Yes, tonsil, that's correct, that is your tonsil. What is a tonsil? You know why I didn't get it? It's because I had my tonsils removed when I was six. Right, they weren't there to think about. Yeah, do you have tonsils? Yeah. Actually I have four. I got yours implanted.

Another fun fact about us. You can hardly swallow. Okay. Here's one. To make thoroughly clean. To make scrub. Scrub. No. No. To make thoroughly clean.

Sterilize. No. No. To make thoroughly clean. Sterilize. No. Okay, I'll give you the second definition. A process or period of time during which a person attempts to rid the body of substances regarded as toxic or unhealthy. Oh, detox. No.

Okay. Okay. Cleanse. Yes. All okay. Cleanse. Yes. All right, all right, good stuff. A river or stream flowing into a larger river or lake. A river or stream that flows into another river or lake. Like a waterway or a canal or a inlet.

Ooh, it's funny, because inlet was the first thing I looked up and I was like, that's a little too easy. So I went with a different word. It's not inlet. It's a river or a stream flowing into a larger river or lake. Aqueduct?

No, no it's not a fucking aqueduct, you moron. What is it? It's tributary, it's tributary. Surprise you didn't know that. Thought you were the tributary king. Okay, one more. Okay. A hard, brittle substance, typically translucent,

made out of fusing sand with soda, lime, and other ingredients, and then cooling rapidly. Stucko. Nope. It sounds like it's just candy, rock candy. A hard, brittle substance. And this one you should feel free to play at home. A hard brittle substance, typically transparent

or translucent made by fusing sand with soda, lime and sometimes other ingredients and then cooling rapidly. Glass. Yeah, glass. But rock candy is close. I got hung up on the soda of it all. I didn't hear a saying. Yeah.

I didn't know that they used Coca Cola to make a fucking cup. Okay, last one for you. A small seal, especially one set in a ring, used instead of or with a signature to give authentication to an official document. Emblem. No. A small seal in a ring to give an official,

like when you seal an envelope shut with a specific symbol or something. Yes, exactly right. Not really mundane, more incredibly specific and niche. Yeah, that's true. I don't know what is this one called? It's a signet. Yeah, I did not know that.

All right, here's one that's actually mundane. I'll give you this one. I gave you glass and you gave me signet. You see the fucking disparity here? A small baked unleavened bread. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Go ahead.

That's what the fuck I meant. Yeah. That's that shit I do like. Okay. A small what? A small baked unleavened bread. Cracker. No.

Absolutely a cracker. No. Matzah? No. Unleavened bread. Small. A small piece of unleavened bread. Actually, I think it is. That's what it is? It should be. It's leavened. I said unleavened. It's leavened.

Your Passover pills, man. You can't even fucking think of leavening with that on there. It's leavened with baking powder, baking soda, and sometimes yeast. Yeah. God. So you're talking about like a bun or a cookie or something.

A small, typically round cake of bread, leavened with baking powder, baking soda, or sometimes yeast. So like you just skipped everything, yeah. It's a small, it's a muffin, quite frankly. It's not a muffin. It's not a muffin. And now you've had a lot of hints.

It's a small cake of bread. It's a biscuit. It's correct. It's biscuit. muffin. And now you've had a lot of hints. It's a small cake of bread. It's a biscuit. It's correct. It's biscuit. Is it? Yes. Didn't you give me that once? I feel like I had to guess biscuit once in a game.

Okay, last one for you. Okay. A curved sickle shape of the waxing or waning moon. Oh, I think it's, well, is it a gibbous? It's not a gibbous. It's not a gibbous. Is it a gibbous? It is not. I'll give you the second definition. A thing that has the shape of a single curve, especially one that is broad in the center and tapers to a point at each end. A crescent.

Crescent. Yes, a crescent. Didn't you say crescent in the center and tapers to a point at each end. A crescent, croissant. Yes, a crescent. Didn't you say crescent in the definition? Or you said sickle. I said a curved sickle shape of a waxing arena. Good Lord, good Lord. And the gibbous I think is a nearly full moon. Yeah, well, that's not what I asked.

Yeah, it's not. I just want everybody at home to know that I know kind of what gibbous means, unless it's not that, in which case I actually don't. Yeah, I knew what a fucking inlet was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you did. Let me give you one more, actually. And it is box. A small pool of liquid,

especially rainwater on the ground. That would be a puddle. That's correct. That's a puddle. A puddle is right. And that's how you play. And that's how you fucking sink the game at the buzzer. Calling your shot, eight ball, corner pocket,

tight spiral to the corner of the end zone bank and the oscar goes to aiden all in aiden snurt aiden snurt 25 year old moron all right solid app this is us segments you can watch it on YouTube and for more of us, you can check out our Patreon. That's true. Patreon.com slash J.A. Yeah. We're watching Jake and Amir episodes, commenting on it, sometimes writing Jake and Amir episodes. That's true. So there's plenty of content there as well.

And as always, we'll be back next week. Thanks for listening and watching everybody. Ciao. Bye. That was a Hidgum Original. And as always, we'll be back next week. Thanks for listening and watching everybody. Ciao. Bye. That was a Hidgum original.