If I Were You - 360: Footjob

Episode Date: December 10, 2018

The gameboy returns as we discuss pedicures, career advice, and our singing voices.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Do you know who that was? No, but it was beautiful. Haunting. We've used this person's song before dating back to years and years ago to the college humor days. The college humor days. Yeah. It was not Julian Noon's. No.

The college who? We used this person slash band in our announcement saying Jake and Amir was ending. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Fuck me. Yes, I do know. Wait, what is her name? Six C band. Audrey Scott.

Audrey Scott. Yes. So she emailed us saying that they have a music video coming out in January. And this was a 30 second ditty for us. So Audrey Scott from the band Six C who's been making music for us for 5, 10, 30 years at this point. She opened for us in South by Southwest in Austin. That's right. So she's back.

Thank you, Audrey. Thank you for submitting that theme song. It's cool to have somebody who's as good at singing as I am. She's better at putting it into. She's better than you at singing. You're not even a good singer at all. I don't sing. I don't sing.

So. You don't sing and she does. So you just say it's cool. I was like, yeah. So it's in me to do this, but I'm so busy with better shit, comedy shit. So your compliment has turned into an insult. I'm just saying that you could be a better singer if you put any modicum of effort into it. Every singer out there better think they're lucky stars that I'm not like devoting my shit to that shit.

You're raw, unshaped talent. I won't judge it. It's not even warmed up. I know you're not warmed up. I know you have no training. And it's also in the morning. Usually I would have, yeah. It's the morning.

And my vocal cords are like, fuck. Sorry, excuse me. But you said that you could with any amount of effort or training you would be a better singer than them. So let's just see raw what you're working with. It sounds like you're losing your voice just by clearing your throat. Because I don't usually clear it this early in the morning, but I can give it a run. All right, ready? Yeah.

What song? Are you sick? What happened? No, I'm not sick. It's just the idea of performing. Somewhere over the rainbow. That's an easy one. Somewhere.

How does it go? Somewhere over the rainbow. It starts, the title is also the first part of the song. You're sucking into, oh my God. I honestly didn't know it could be this bad. Where are the rainbow? And you say that you could be as good or better than Audrey Scott. I have a little practice.

Stage fright. So like performing for you today. This isn't stage. In this way. For you to put me on the spot isn't fair. We're alone in a room where we have recorded hundreds of podcasts. This is the place where you should be the most comfortable. Okay.

How about this? Try to sing as well as you can. Can you be this vulnerable? You sing as actually as well. Or make a joke. Like actually sing as good as you can. We always like joke around, ha ha it's funny. I'm either really good or really bad.

But I want you to actually legit try to sing as good as you can. And see how you do. I feel a little too uncomfortable. But only because I have a cold. Next week when we record I will try to sing as well as I can. I promise. So why is that like, it's so hard to do that. It's, yeah, like you almost want to like as a joke break into a song and have somebody

be like, whoa, you're actually a good singer. Yeah. Like that's the ideal. Or to do it like fake bad because we're bad. Right. So you either do it fake bad or joke good. But you, there's never a world. Where I'm trying as hard as I can to sing well.

Yeah. I guess even if you tried really hard right now and you sang pretty well, I would feel bad for you just for putting yourself out there. Well, that's why I'm, I'm forcing you to do it so that you can't. What song do you think I should try to sing? What's the song? Oh. Stars shining right above you.

That's a dream a little dream of me. I don't know that. Okay. How about I need something in my range. It's not. She said bullshit. Oh, you want to do like pop punk. That's that pop punk.

That's dirt. That's rap. Okay. Sorry. What about it? Rolling, rolling, rolling. What's a good song for you to try to sing as well as possible? That's like an actual song.

I'm trying to think of like an Oli. What about stand by me? No, but that's not really my rate. Like I feel like Aladdin is, that's, that's my range. Can you feel the love tonight? That's, I don't think, no, that's, it's too high. Aladdin what song? Like, um, I can show you the world.

Oh really? Yeah. You can do the Aladdin part of I can show you the world. I think so. Remember, is that, I don't think that episode came out yet, but I sing that song in lonely and horny skin too. Yeah, I think it's episode eight where you, where you try to sing. You sing I can show you the man.

In the sky and you're singing. Oh man. Yeah. Check out season two of lonely and horny. It's out now. Dropout.tv. Uh, slash lonely and horny. That's right.

Um, sorry. I know we sent you. Yeah, that's how we get credit for it. All right. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that I'm hosting right now. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Uh, we, our goal here is to answer as many questions as possible.

People emailing us in, uh, if I were you show at gmail.com, they're in difficult place in their life. They need our wisdom, our guidance. Sometimes we curate the best questions we can find and other times we play a game to find. Oh, what happened? Did you say game? Yeah.

Oh, I was just explaining the rules. Yes. Sometimes we play a game where we search through the thousands of emails we have in our Gmail. Uh, we search a word and, uh, our, the goal of the game, the way to win is to find an email that's using a word that's only been used once in our show's history. I am the Game Boy. And this is my game. When we play this game, for whatever reason, a mascot shows up who's either about to ejaculate

or kind of a stubby toe is ejaculating. Yeah. Got it. Oh. And he only arrives when we're playing this game. So Game Boy, can you start us off by, uh, suggesting a word that's only been used once in a question? Digital. Digital.

I'm going to guess that's been used more than once, but I just feel like I'll like the question. Okay. Uh, yeah, it's been used more than once and of course in a lot of spam email. Right. I'm going to try to find a question, an email that has yet to be opened. Um, oh man, this is just, a lot of people are just asking us for jobs, of course. Oh yeah. Digital marketing intern.

That's right. That was definitely like a thing. That's right. Okay. Give me, give me another word. You really don't like digital, huh? Uh, all right. I got one.

Okay. All right. This is an email we've never read from a lady we'll call, what's a digital name for a woman? Um, like Siri, we'll call this lady Siri, big fan of your podcasting work. Basically, since graduating uni two and a half years ago, I've worked in media communications and done several internships. I lived in Boston doing more internships and completed a digital marketing diploma, temp work.

I have no idea what to do. I don't really feel like I'm qualified for any job. I have an art history degree and nothing I've done so far interests me enough to stick with it. Now I'm back from the U.S. living with my mom in her house and applying for a variety of jobs every day. I've had zero luck. My confidence is at an all time low and I don't know how to talk to anyone about how

I'm feeling for fear that I'll be tainted, a mowny cow, or seen as throwing myself a big old fashioned pity party. I know I've been so lucky to have experienced university, to have had the jobs that I've had, but I've been unemployed for five months now and I'm losing my mind. Do you have any tips on how to be confident when you're down on your luck? Any advice for people who feel totally lost career wise? Will I ever find my talent slash calling? What are your best job hunting slash CV pointers?

Feel free to tell me. I need a kick up in the back side. Should I just try something I'll know I'll be bored at and suck it up? I've gotten stuck in the bubble of retail and service jobs before and I could get a job in a store fairly easily. Sorry if this is too long or if I'm being a shitty person. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Love, Siri.

So this is like a general question we get a lot, which is like I'm stuck in a situation. We don't really usually choose these emails, but since the Game Boy has led us here, maybe we can give some general advice. That's actually true. A lot of people say that they feel stuck in their job and they don't know what to do. And I think that's because we clearly like our jobs. And they want to know how to do that as well. How to do that?

Well, fortunately you're young and hip because you have a digital marketing diploma. So there will always be old curmudgeonly companies who are like, how do we do this Twitter thing? How do we do Facebook? What's Instagram? We need someone with a digital marketing diploma. Right. How about to work for a bunch of old farts who don't know what that shit is? Or would you rather work with young people who know they need that stuff and who will

help you get better at it? The first one will help you get to the second. So you work for the old curmudgeonly company that doesn't know what they're doing. And then it's like, hey, look, I have one or two years of experience in this field. And when a startup is coming, they're looking for someone with experience and you've done it in that. Right. The opposite where you get a sort of a low paying but equity job type thing at a startup,

they eventually get bought or fold or whatever, but then you've had real experience working with smart people. And then you can ask for a big salary at some shitty corporation where you might not like the people, but you'll be making bank. Yeah. Digital marketing is still as relevant as it was five, six, seven years ago. I remember it was like a hot job when Twitter and Instagram and all of Facebook was starting out, but everybody needs that.

That's how people are still being reached. Dave Rosenberg got his job at College Humor through that. Yeah, that's true. And then he's been hopping around because everybody needs that. He was working at Funny or Dive because they also needed digital marketing. Now, is that where? Movie pass? Movie pass.

They also needed, every company needs some sort of digital marketing something. So you're in the right area as to how to advise for people who feel totally lost career-wise. It seems like you either have to find a job in the thing that you're passionate about or find a job doing something like retail that you're not necessarily passionate about and do something on the side that you are passionate about. Yeah. Passionate about the hobby. Hobby turns to jobby.

The jobby hobby, which we both worked at College Humor for free in some capacity before they paid us. Yeah, but I think that's definitely an older thing because now working for free is bad. Intern-wise. Yeah, corporations get in trouble for doing that to people. Yeah, but it still happens. Yeah, it does. So there will be a situation where you can probably do what you love to do for free.

That's like you hustling on the nights and weekends, whether it's freelance writing or stand-up comedy. Yeah, find that thing that you're passionate about and do that on the side while you're still making a career doing something else. Like you said, working in retail or at a shop, and then eventually if you're good at what you're doing on the side and you hone your practice and you become better and better, somebody will recognize it enough to pay you. And for you working in retail at a shop, maybe if you like the shop, you can transition

to doing digital marketing for the shop. I skipped over the beginning where she said she's a 24-year-old gal from Ireland. Oy, oy, oy, Peter. What? Archimarcha, Peter. What's that? That's my Irish accent. Then what are you saying?

Archimarcha, Peter. Oh, Peter. So you're saying Archimarcha. Archimarcha, Peter. Peter. Peter. And then I say, oh, Peter. Yeah, Peter.

So you're saying nothing just like gibberish. Just Peter. Yeah, just Peter. Yeah, yeah. So there's always that. And then you're living with your mom. You're fortunate enough to not have to pay for a job, for a place to live right now. That's true.

So you can sort of do, you have a little more leniency. It's not like you have to take the worst job ever just to make ends meet because you're saving some cash living with your mom. But maybe you take the easy job, the sales retail job because you say you're not going to have a problem finding that. You build up a little nest egg because you're living with your parents. A lot of people do that. They do the parent living, raise the money.

Now you have enough to make a move on your own, whether it's Ireland or somewhere else in the UK or somewhere else in America. And then you hustle, scrap, kick butt on the side with the thing that you would love to do. But what does she love to do? I don't know. Yeah. She says, will I ever find my talent in calling?

That's I mean, what do you do in your free time? When you're not working in retail? What do you do? Me? No, I'm talking to her. Got it. Like. Yes.

What do you do in your free time? I watch basketball. Nice. So if you didn't have a job in comedy, maybe you would want to get a job in basketball. Yeah. And a lot of basketball writers, bloggers just were super fans that were like, I have so many opinions on this and I'm a pretty good writer and I'm just going to put my words down on a blog.

And if the blog is good enough, then it'll find traction. Somebody will link to it. You'll gain a following and then somebody will hire you to be that writer. And if you can't write, you can be like an equipment manager at your favorite team or a producer at one of like your local networks that shows the games of your favorite team. There are many jobs in your favorite field that you haven't even thought about yet. So just think about what you do in your free time, what you're passionate about or not even what you're passionate about.

Just what you like. Yeah. Then you can, from there, you can usually find something that you're passionate about or that you're very good at. And a lot of, a lot of opportunities start with just like cold emailing, like I just reached out and said, I would do whatever you guys want. Just let me in the building. Get in the building.

Kick butt. This is exactly what I did. Move out from there. College Humor. Did you email other websites or just College Humor? Just College Humor. You didn't have like a list of like, I'm going to reach out to these 10 websites, College Humor being one of them.

I mean, it was like 2000, like three or four. So I don't really even know what other websites there were that were doing what we were doing. E-bombs World. E-bombs World didn't have articles though. Yeah, that's true. It was just videos. Maybe cracked. Fark.

But I don't think Fark had it either. I really, I think. What was the internet back then? It was College Humor. It was Fark. It was Dig. It was E-bombs World. Where else were there funny videos of people getting hit in the head with a shovel?

I forget now, but I mean, there was like a list of sites that we had to check to look for funny videos. All right. Daily motion, maybe. Daily motion was up there. Yeah. Someone should write an oral history about internet comedy from 2001 to 2004. Because I want to, oh, remember Maddox?

No. X-Maddox.com or something, or he would like make fun of your kids drawings. Oh yeah, that was so funny. Tucker Max. Tucker, did he have a website? I think it started as a blog. Jesus Christ. All right.

Hopefully. Oh, you know what? This lady emailed us like six months ago, so we should do a follow-up pup with her. See what she's doing now. Yeah. Write her an email and see how she's doing. So what happened? Whoa.

It's Lady Gaga. What? I guess she became Lady Frickin' Gaga. She's been Lady Gaga for years. Okay. So like, oh yeah, it's a different name, never mind. Right, figured. Yeah.

That was dumb. All right. Time for me to search question? Yes. Mm-mm. Butcher. That's right. The oldest profession of all.

Butcher. Meat Hacker. Oh, pretty good. Eight. Eight emails. Solid. Three unread. One of them is Rescue Me from the Friend Zone.

One of them is Choosing Between Friends. And one of them is Fucked Up, Rap, A Guy Sent Me, Caused. Definitely that one. Oh, this is great. All right. By the way, everybody who thinks they're stuck in the Friend Zone, that's just where you're always going to be. So you're not stuck there.

It's just where you are. Got it. And that's fine. Okay, here we go. Here we are. We'll call this Lady Alice because that was the maid on Brady Bunch who dated Sam the Butcher. So Alice writes, a few months ago, I met this guy on OK Cupid. I wasn't attracted to him, but he had just graduated from my college, so I replied to

his message. We had a mutual friend in real life, but we never met in person. We started texting a lot, and he kept saying that he really liked me. I liked him a little bit at first, but then he started being weird, overly sexual, and sent me a really long and disturbing rap, he wrote, which includes cutting dicks off. It freaked me the fuck out. I kept telling him that I want to be friends, but he wouldn't leave me alone. Finally, I stopped responding to his texts and messages.

He even had his friend text me to ask me why I stopped talking to him. Recently, he moved halfway across the country, but he still keeps sending me snapchats and messages. It's getting really annoying, but I don't know how else to tell this weirdo to stop. What would you do if you were in this situation? P.S., the rap is below, so feel free to quote that shit when you answer my question. Oh my god, this is great. We should save this for a live show.

Wow, this is a long rap. Do you want to do it? It's like give me one stanza. Okay, I'll do the stanza with the butcher. We'll see how it goes. Oh yeah, this is the butcher. So it's all right. This is insane.

They better not run away, I hope. Good thing I have this rope. Time together, you fucked my wife. Now you're dying together. Lucky for me, we're on an abandoned street, empty warehouse and complex, where houses used to be. Pull out my butcher's knife, recite to each one, thou shall not covet another's wife. So your dick was inside my wife, whoosh, chopped it off with my knife.

Then proceeded to do the same with the next three. They're bleeding out. Now it's time for a shotgun in the mouth. Toby's first blout, see if you fuck my wife now. Then I do the same to his three punks, better chop them up so they fit in my trunk. Drive down to the Hudson. That's where I'ma dump them. Now to find my horror of a wife, kill that bitch who ruined my fucking life.

Oh my God, and you said you want to be friends with this guy? And then it goes to the chorus. This guy is Stan. Take it to the chorus. This guy is Stan from Eminem's Stan. I come back home and her car's still parked. I walk in the house. Toby screams, where's Toby, Joey, Tony, and Mark?

I said, honey, don't worry about them. Now explain yourself. Where would you like to begin? That's, wait, that's the chorus? Yeah, it goes on from there. That's the chorus. That's right. He repeats that line?

Or maybe the, yeah, I think so. Oh my God, this is so long. It's kind of weird that like, it sort of seems like a ballad, but the chorus always goes, where would you like to begin? So he killed the guys or cut their dicks off that cheated on, that his wife cheated on him with. It is weird that Eminem, like, is famous for doing this. Yeah.

Like, this is objectively a creepy, terrible rap. But Eminem did it. But Eminem, like, did it, and it was cool. Yeah. Because Eminem is so good that even though his raps are about beating his wife up and murdering her, people are like, that's a really bad sentiment. But you're so cool when you do it that like, it's fine for now. People give him a pass.

Not only that, but like, his raps are still homophobic, where like, now everybody's hyper alert to that stuff. And they're like, I know, but he does it so fast, and it's so cool that like, we don't fully mind. And it's really, yeah, it's weird to imagine Eminem sending any of his raps to a girl to try to impress her. And she would be like, these are so creepy, you're getting away from this. I think it's illegal, almost.

And then threatening me. And then Eminem, like, just goes and releases, like, the Marshall Mathers LP, and it's like, oh wait, all right, actually I liked the raps. They were good. I like the silly ones, though. Na na na na na. Ken Kniep. Na na na na na.

Do the one about Tom Green fucking a dead moose. So don't. I would block this guy. Block the guy. I mean, this is insane. Yeah, I think a good excuse or a good reason to block someone is like, oh, I blocked you because you sent me a rap about you threatening to kill somebody, and that scared me. Well, the rap, actually, he was killing somebody with some sort of like fantasy living where

he murdered three people who had fucked his wife. So even in his fantasy, his wife had an affair with three people. I can be anything in this world. All right, so I'm chopping this guy's dick off for fucking my wife. I'll be castrating adulterers. Hopefully you got away from this person. Yeah, don't be friends with this guy. You don't want to, like, have anything to do with him.

Just cold block him. Never respond to anything he does again. All right. We'll take a break. We'll come back and we'll answer some more questions with the Game Boy. Oh, yeah. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network,

Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family

in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames.

That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait.

Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist.

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Check them out. That's betterhelp. And we're back. Jake, do you have any ... Oh, it's a lift to the ... Oh, I'm coming. It's gross. Sure don't.

What about you? I got a pedicure. Is that it? First time ever? That's my advice. Well, I'll take you through it and you can decide whether you want to do it on yourself. Okay. Have you ever gotten a pedicure?

No. I, for a long time I thought pedicure was just getting your nails done, like polish and all that stuff. Isn't that a manicure? No, but like getting your toenails painted. Got it. You're like, I don't have my toenails. I don't need them to be painted.

I don't need a pedicure. But a pedicure is a lot more than that. Right. There is not only maintenance of the nail itself, you know, long ones being cut, scraping out gunk underneath the surface, cleaning the skin around the nail, which is nice. It feels good, but it's also a little hot water. It's also a little essential oils. It's also a little smell, a maintenance and a foot massage is included.

I guess I'm already convinced. I 100% thought it was just nail care. That's right. And you have a busty feet. So like this seems like, this seems like right up your alley because it includes the foot massage, which is like somebody like putting some sort of natural beard oil. Shout out to brothersisterco.com. That's what's up.

On your foot and just like massaging it for part of it. Yeah. I mean, that's absolutely incredible. I would love that. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what else to say. Cheaper than a haircut.

Really? Yeah. Mine was like 18 bucks. Did you get your nails painted or glossed or anything? I ended up not getting them glossed, but my girlfriend who was with me got them glossed and it didn't take that much extra time. I saw Carnell got his big toe painted. Yeah.

Carnell does. He's a big petty guy. He likes to do a big toe paint job. I believe he took Dave and Jeff and they all got the big toes done. So I'm wondering, pedicure is starting to become less female oriented. Is manicure the same thing? Are Mike and those guys also getting manicures? I don't know if they get many petties.

I think they might. Are they getting hand massages? That seems less interesting to me. Yeah. I don't think I need a hand massage. But I definitely have ailing feet and just like a warm foot bath with a massage that it doesn't cost a lot. Right off the bat, that's good.

That sounds absolutely incredible to me. I will 100% be doing that. What's your toenail maintenance schedule right now? Are you a peeler? Are you a filer? Are you a cutter? Are you a clipper? I clip my toes probably once a month.

Clip. Yeah. Where are you doing it? Slide over a trash, over a sink, over a salad for your foe. I do it over a bowl of ramen. Okay. And that's the natural salt usually the bulls need. I always clip my nails outside.

Outside. I sit on my porch. I clip the nails. I brush them off the porch onto the street. What about when it's really cold out, like you're on the east coast, it's February. You're clipping your toes outside? I guess if I usually, I always, it's one of my habits to clip my nails before I travel because I like to travel and like feel like very streamlined and as if like a barefoot

race is going to break out and you need any competitive advantage. Is that I like taking care of everything. Everything is meticulously packed. I'm like compact. You're packed and compact. Yep. Both. Yeah.

I usually have to trim my nails on the road. And what about fingernails? Same thing? Clipping? Clip. Yeah, I clip. I guess that's maybe every two weeks, but it also might be once a month. I end up clipping my toes a decent amount from climbing.

Oh, interesting. Because I had to fit them in the shoes. Pretty sure the pedicure includes a clip job. So next time you need to clip clop, why don't you walk over to your neighborhood pedicurist. Yeah. Make an appointment. Get that massage. It seems tough to me.

I could imagine being near a petty place and walking in and being like, oh, I'll just do this. But making a point to do it seems... Yeah. Well, maybe if Jill does it, just say like, next time you go. Oh yeah, we'll go. Sign me up. Sweet.

Do you know if she does it? I don't. Let's email her. We should find out. And wait for a response. I can text her. I'll just say, how often do you get a pedicure? Yeah.

Is there an amount that would make you divorce her? Twice a day? I guess. If she's like, I've been secretly getting pedicures twice a day for our entire relationship and haven't told you. Is that grounds for expulsion? I don't think so. Three times a day?

Once a month? I feel like... Something normal. So if she says once a month, that's grounds for expulsion? I'm just asking. You just want me to get a divorce? No, I'm just floating it out there. Like, do you really want to be with someone that's going to be the case?

Or she's getting a pedicure every, like, three months? She said eight times a day. Oh, my God. That's a lot, right? Of course that's a lot. That's how much people drink water. I just feel like that's too much. Hold on.

I'm going to facetime her. Babe? Was she getting a pedicure? From this really hot guy. Okay. She's typing. She is typing. It's exciting.

Oh, my God. What'd you ask specifically? I said, how often do you get pedicures? And she's like, I can't believe you don't know that. You don't really know me at all, do you? She said in the summer, probably like every three or four weeks, or if we go on vacation. Every three weeks. So, like, once a month?

Yeah. And in the winter? I'm a fungal beast down there. It grows and curls. I am a hobbit. I like to let my big toe hair grow in and braid it. I just wrote K with a question mark. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Okay. And what else? And then I wrote grounds for expulsion. You think she probably gets what that means, right? Like, she's a student, yeah, she gets it. She's on the Patreon. No, I just responded very nice. Don't think that I have to approve everything.

And haircuts? And then she said, why? Of course. Yeah, right? Why not? Why would you want to know? We're talking about it on the podcast. Okay, and let's see what she has to say about that.

Okay. Yeah. While you do that, is there another word, you or the gameboy? Oh, it's got to be pedicure. It's going to be pedicure, because we're talking about it. That's a good one. Nothing. Not one email about a pedicure.

Really? Let's go manicure. Just, yeah, just like spam. Okay, let's go foot job, all one word. Foot job, one word? Oh. Foot fetish problem. Yes.

One email. One email? One email, one word. Have we answered it? We've read it, but I don't think we've answered it. I've won the game. It's happened so long ago that it doesn't matter. We have a winner.

All right. What's a good name for foot fetish problem, man? What's, oh, Prince Charming, is it Cinderella? Is it Prince Charming? Yeah, Prince Charming. Is that his name? Snow White is also Prince Charming. Oh.

That's a good question. Is that also his name? His name is like Ron Charming. I don't know. And it's like Prince Charming. IMDb that shit. And then there's a King Charming? Cinderella.

IMDb. Cast. Cinderella Prince. Prince Charming is his actual name. Let's see if his name is like Dan. What's the funniest name to have a guy? Rod Charming. Chad Charming.

Uh, but it reveals his name. Yeah. Oh, that's funny. And once upon a time, Prince Charming is renamed Prince Thomas as Prince Charming was a nickname for the prince. Oh. So that's not his real name. That makes sense.

But what about, what about that other Snow White Prince? Is it also Prince Charming? Let's find that out. We got it at this point. The Prince. And why is everyone obsessed with the prince? The kings are never part of the romance, right? It's always like, yes, my dad is this old figure, but like I'm in line to become the

new king. Yeah. But there's never like a hot 18 year old King Charming. That's interesting. Who's Mrs. Charming? Anyway. And you can be a king without being married, right? If your daddy dies.

Yeah. As long as your daddy dies. Anywho, let's talk about this guy's foot fetish. My name is Prince Charming and I have a foot fetish. It developed about a year ago when I saw a random video on the internet of a girl giving a guy a foot job. He came all over her feet. Are you aware of what a foot job is?

It's like a hand job with your feet? Yeah, of course. So it's a woman jerking off a guy with her feet. I mean, there's many different ways to do it. I can't believe that you don't know what it is. Yeah, I've never seen this in porn. No, I've never seen it in porn. That's crazy.

Is it ever like a guy fucking the area in between the big toe and the index? That seems like it's probably too thin. A lot of the time, you see people put their feet together and they're sort of like this. That little vagina crevice between the two feet and a guy is fucking that. Yeah, that's usually what it is. It is a perfect shape, but there's lots of different ways that you can hold your feet to create. You can put your feet together in many different ways.

The rest of your body can be doing different stuff. You are fully erect at this point. I don't find foot stuff hot, but I have seen it. I'm not fucking weirdo. It's a weirdo to not see it. You're absolute square for that. Since then, they've always interested me. Lately, though, it's gotten out of hand.

Pun intended, do you think? Probably not, but that's good. It's very good. It's good if you never see it. I've never seen a hand job where a girl is jerking a guy off with her hands. Come on. I started staring at a girl's feet often in public and they were noticing and it was really awkward.

Then it slowly got worse and worse. I get boners every time I see a foot. It's horrible. I'm not the biggest guy, about six inches, but it's still noticeable, at least until I flip it up into my waistband. You guys don't have to tell us how big your dick is when you write it in general. I need some way to get rid of this and my friend recommended you, so please help. My current girlfriend, long distance relationship of three and a half months, knows nothing

of this and I've joked about it and it's clear that she doesn't even like feet and she doesn't actually find and she even finds them a bit revolting. So do I come clean to her about this even though she hates feet and would judge me or do I break up with her? We're planning on meeting up in about a month and I don't want her to notice my constant foot boners. Nor do I want to, oh my God, this guy's calling me, constant foot boners or nor do I want to explain this to her.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. It must be tough to have a foot fetish because feet aren't really a private part. It's sort of like imagine you're a boob guy and it's commonplace for everybody's boobs to be out all the time. If you have a foot fetish, is a shoe the equivalent of a shirt or is it the, I guess, like do you have to see a bare foot and then if you see a bare foot is it like the equivalent of bare? We're like somebody wearing sandals.

A thong. Yeah. It is called a thong. It's probably named by somebody with a foot fetish, like that's the hottest thing a foot can wear. Yeah, oh my God. It has to be in something. It's so revealing.

That foot is wearing a thong. Jeez, foot. It's something to the imagination. You koi wench. You know, Cisco's thong song was about flip flops. That's right. Yeah. So this guy sees feet everywhere.

I think you probably just, I mean, I don't know, maybe you just should watch a bunch of foot fetish porn so you can get yourself a little more desensitized to it. Sometimes I think when you discover a new thing you think is hot, you can exhaust it so to make it a little more commonplace. Oh, I see. Or is it the opposite way around? You search pictures of gross feet. I want to see athlete's foot.

I want to see a bunion so big you call it pawl. That's right. What's it called when your thumb toe is like jetting out and it has like this weird shape to it? That's a bunion. It is a bunion. It is a bunion. So what's the growth on like a corn?

Yeah, I want to see a corn. Whatever happened to corn on your feet, you rarely hear about a foot corn. You hear so much about corn on the cow. Yeah. You hear about corn on the toe. Nice. So why don't you like get yourself grossed out because if you're into boobs or you're into butts, there's not a lot of ailments when it comes to that.

I guess, yeah, I don't know. I do, I also think that if he gets so turned on my feet but his girlfriend is not into it, that might be a little bit of an issue. I think you should be honest and say that you have a foot fetish or you don't say you're a foot, it's a fetish. I feel like fetish when you would seem like it's bad, perverted and disgusting and it's not a bad thing. It's just like that's what gets you going.

Yeah. And you can find other people that also have the same exact turn-ons. Although isn't it the hottest sex ever? Yeah. Maybe you can say you get turned on by giving someone a foot massage, then she's getting a foot massage. No one's going to say no to that. No one's going to be annoyed about getting a foot massage.

I mean, it depends. I think I would be annoyed about getting a foot massage if the person massaging my feet had a throbbing hard-on and was salivating. I don't know if that's an even trade because my foot hurts and I want you to rub it and I know that it gets you off sexually. Yeah. If I rubby, I will get a chubby. But what if it's a female getting turned on by rubbing your feet?

Yeah, I don't know. Is there ever foot-fucking in internet porn? What do you mean foot-fucking? Oh, like where somebody puts their- A toe. A fingering. A toe. A toe.

A vagina. A toe. Like, you know, fingering is fingering, but what about towing? I mean, I am absolutely certain that exists, but you've never necessarily seen it. I think that seems, to me anyway, that seems like the kind of porn you have to kind of like search specific. It all exists. It's all there.

If you can dream it, they have done it and there is like- What's the hardest finger toe to get into a vagina? It's got to be the second one, the one small, like next to the pinky. The ring toe. Yeah. Are they called that? Like index finger is your second one, the one next to the thumb. Is that called that on your toes?

I don't think so because, I mean, the one that we all know is not- it's not called your toe thumb, it's called your big toe. Yeah, but the pinky is still a pinky. A pinky toe. Yeah. So we know two of the toes, the three toes in the middle. Yeah. Do they have a name?

Yeah. What about your ring toe? Don't you sometimes wear a toe ring and would you wear it on your ring toe? I guess I would call it the ring toe, the middle toe, and your second toe. So big toe, I'm going to search toe names. Big toe, second toe, middle toe, ring toe, and pinky toe. Oh, look at this. So the first toe is known as the hallux or big toe, great toe, thumb toe, or first little

piggy. The second toe is known as the long toe, or pointer toe, or index toe. No second toe? The third toe, or middle toe, long toe, or third little piggy. Okay. I mean, it's tough because everybody is- you know, some people have a longer second and middle toe than their big toe, but that was part of mine. That was part of like my 23 and me, it's like, if you have a longer index, do you have a

longer toe, thumb, big toe? My thumb toe is the longest. My thumb. And actually, my pinky toe is almost as long as my thumb toe. What? Yeah. Instead of going descending order, my toe thumb is my little, little nub, and then my pinky is the longest.

I'm also a little unique because I have a sixth and seventh toe. Yeah, I see that sixth piggy. Wait, let me continue this. Fourth toe is the ring toe. Nice. So you did nail that one. And the fifth toe is either the baby toe, the little toe, the pinky toe, the small toe, the tiny toe, the wee toe, or fifth little piggy.

Nice. The pinky toe. What a small toe. The only one I didn't get was the second toe. I wouldn't have ever called it the pointer or index. Well, I'll point. I'll point with the- Yeah.

It's definitely not the pointer. I resent that. It's obviously the second toe. I'm pointing right now with my second toe. It's like, you want to go over there? If I said- Yeah. Your shoe's on it, so it's tough to know.

I'm just doing that so you don't get too turned on, but what were you saying if you said pointer toe? If I said pointer toe or index toe, I don't think anybody would really know what I was talking about. But second toe- I think so because I'm index finger. Because I'm index finger. Second toe nails it.

What about index finger? Why is it called that? I don't know. I have no idea. Okay. All right. So that's our toe ideology. That's our names.

It sounds like the podcast idea that Carnell had where it's called the rap hole and you just get stoned and ask weird questions. Either way, this guy is jerking off to this entire question. I mean, we are going into graphic detail about how to fuck a foot, what the names of the toes are, whether or not anyone's been towed in a porno before. Yeah. You think you could find a porn where the second toe, sorry, the ring toe's been penetrating a woman?

Probably. That's awesome. Yeah. That's really cool. Yeah. I'm serious. I know. I haven't ever said that about anything that you have ever-

Totally. You're usually talking a lot of shit. I think it's really fucking dope what that is. Cool. I have for you to say that. Probably. Yeah. That was really cool.

Right? Because you're not even like- I was like a little nunchalonged, but yeah, probably. That's really cool. It was like, yeah. It was like positive end-dismissal. Yeah. It was like, I don't care necessarily about questions because like that's nerdy school

shit. Yeah. But like, I also know about porn if necessary, which is kind of cool. Okay. So it's like, probably. And you didn't even say probably. Because you don't even have time for that shit. You're like, probably.

That's really cool. Yeah. Ask me a question. I want to do that. Probably. No, wait. Sorry. I'll wait till you ask it.

Do you need to change your diaper? What? What's that? Do you need to change your diaper? And then you're going to say probably. Yes. Probably. I'm basically-

I can't believe you wear diapers. I did shirt, so I don't know if I have to fully change the diaper or if I can wear it out. I could just wipe it and keep it going through the afternoon. Because it's definitely not a wide load. It probably is a little fucking tadpole. It was a squirter. Probably.

All right. That's it. That's our time. Thank you so much for writing in. That was a successful Game Boy question that we wouldn't necessarily have found otherwise. Yeah, for sure. That rap. Oh my God.

There's one more time. Shout out to our Patreon. Patreon.com. If you want more if I were you in your life every other Thursday, we make a bonus Thursday ad free episode of this show that you can even watch. We video record those episodes and put it on Patreon.com slash JA. Thank you for everyone that supported us there. And if you have not subscribed yet, there's a pretty decent backlog right now.

Yeah. I think there's five or six of those episodes already. So you know. Of each, right? It's the holiday season. You need something to do online right now. Head over to Patreon.com slash JA. Watch those.

Let us know what you think. You. I didn't find a closing theme song. So why don't we just shout out Audrey Scott again. That was a really good theme song for that awesome theme song submission. Audrey, thank you so much. And to everyone else, we appreciate it as well. We'll be back next week.

Bye. There may be a podcast or two in my life, but there is only one that will still make a difference.