If I Were You - 361: Wingmen (w/Jake Weisman and Matt Ingebretson)

Episode Date: December 17, 2018

The funny dudes behind Comedy Central's "Corporate" join us to discuss office holiday parties, investing wisely,, and of course: grapes.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. Hey Hurwits and Bloomin' Phelps I need your help, I need advice tonight I'm freaking out so here is my situation So sticky and it's killing me inside

So I pose my question I'll listen to your answers Even though you're joking most of the time By killing myself in Starbucks I know I shouldn't do it But if I did my problem would subside But that's really bad advice Please spend some time on me

I don't think I can seize the cheese alone If I were you Please spend some time on me I don't think I can seize the cheese alone If I were you I'd be your friend Wow, you played a full two minute song for our guest Two and a half

That's the end of the show, we gotta go Of course, that makes sense That was more than all of your time I was holding up a lighter the whole time That was beautiful You got very hot Matt and Jake from corporate Jake and Matt?

Yeah Jake and Matt Usually it's Matt and Jake even though that's in reverse alphabetical order But I'm more important He's taller He's more affable Yeah, you go by height That's what we do in our things

I think so I'm an inch taller than Amir Well, half an inch How tall are you guys? I'm five foot eleven and three quarters So I never made it six feet That might be very close to me I'm in between five, eleven and six feet

Do you lie and say six? Depends on who's asking brother But yes, I'll say six, four You just said your real height on the podcast To all of our listeners Well, technically If we're getting like scientific I'm five, five

Yeah, but like with shoe socks Plus like rounding up Yeah, like with your platforms Yeah Let's get scientific Matt, what are you at? Six, three? Are you a six, three?

Six, four Oh, six, four Perfect height? Yeah Six, four is the goat height, right? It is good Any taller is bad Yeah

Unless you're playing basketball Cause like I barely fit into planes I even on my Instagram post photos of myself In airplane bathrooms Cause I can't stand up right Yeah, I can barely fit Truly horrifying in airplane bathrooms As a man standing up, right?

I should sit down But every time I'm like Let's roll the dice and see what happens You taking shits on airplanes? Have you ever taken a nice shit on an airplane? Just a really small toilet You can barely wipe Yeah, shit on airplanes all the time

Good man I won't do it It took me a long time I didn't do it until I was like Maybe I didn't do it until I was 30 That's cool That's kind of like an adult move Yeah

Only adults can shit on airplanes I have to go It hurts my stomach It's like your rabbi sits you down It's like it's now time Double bar mitzvah That is what the mile high club is, right? First person to take a shit on an airplane

If you can fill the bowl Oh my god That is a thing too There's no water in the bowl It's a dry bowl It's a horrible situation We should stop talking about this We've upset everyone

We haven't even Oh yeah, we did introduce you guys Yeah, but not the song The song was written by Rob It was obviously And I Miss You by Blink 182 Parody You guys Blink fans?

Oh yeah Yeah I've listened to that song Probably a thousand times Yeah Over the course of three months Soft More Your High School Are you guys roughly our same age?

How old are you guys? I'm 35 31 Oh, okay So Jake and I are in between those two Well, I'm 39 554 Yeah, we're big into Blink

Is Tom a good singer? Like, he has a very distinct voice But would you say he's a good singer? I would not You would say he's a bad singer? I think he's the kind of guy Who got kicked out of choir And so he rebelled

And he's like, fuck you, I'm going to make it anyway Like, it's that kind of thing I feel like there are a lot of singers like that Where, like, Creedence Clearwater Revival Like John Fogarty Like, I don't think he has a good voice But I love it Yeah, because it just has to be unique

That's controversial Well, I'm here to fuck shit up He's got a voice that you like hearing Whether it's good or not Yeah, more about being Having like an interesting voice I feel like he invented a new way to sing Is that fair to put on Tom DeLong?

I guess that might be like I don't know who, like, pioneered That kind of, like, whiny punk voice Hello there Yeah Well, it's small things But the question is, does he talk like that Or is he making a voice?

I think we've even discussed this in the show I've watched, like, the Blink-182 documentaries I, like, I had the urethra chronicles On VHS Jesus And Tom definitely, that's like his talking voice And singing voice Oh, really?

Like, kind of basically Weirdly, those documentaries Are a lot like making a murderer Like, no one has watched them But they were falsely imprisoned for years Yeah, that's right Tom DeLong Yeah, you should watch them

Just fucked up All right, so this is If I Were You, an advice show after all We do our best to dispense our wisdom People write us in There aren't sticky situations Sometimes it's just Jake and I Now it's Jake and Matt

And Jake and I I'm so sorry to have another Jake on the show It's very kind of you No, I like it, it's nice Two Jakes Is this the only other Jake that's been on the show? Have we had another Jake? That's a great question

I don't think we have That's cool Let's throw it to the fans Get the collars going Shout out in the comments Let us know I was trying to find some Corporate related questions

Shout out to your show corporate Comedy Central January 15th? Yes January 15th Season two More on that later But let's get into this right now

This is a guy We'll give him a fake name To preserve his anonymity Matt, do you have a fake name To reference this man as? Ralph Ralph That's good

Cool Last name? Ralph Ralph That's cool Two Ralphs for the press Just like there's two Jakes Ralph Ralph, right

I guess I just reached the limit of my creativity I gave up with Ralph What more do you want? When is season three? I have no more ideas, I guess Season three is just season two But everyone's name is Ralph That would be brilliant

To re-film it Who would notice? How long would it go before someone noticed? Alright, I'm a 23 year old male Ralph Ralph Who works at a desk job in San Francisco In a department of eight people I've been here for two years

And the pay is decent I've made some good friends And it's in a nice area And I really want to quit I got some experience behind a computer Doing mindless, dull work And now I want to move on to bigger and better Pastures

I actually want to try my luck At comedy writing And you two have been big Inspirations for me I plan to wait until next month To quit It is a good time Since the start of the new year

And I'm currently waiting On my Christmas bonus I was nervous about the timing Of our department Is behind on work right now And one of my coworkers Just went on maternity leave For five months

Quitting would leave the department In a bad spot And I don't want to be a dick But the other day I walked by my boss's desk While he was taking a piss And the dude left his personal email Opened displaying

What appeared to be an email Regarding a job application He submitted I don't want to get caught Gawking at his screen So I took a selfie And made sure that the To frame his screen in the background

What? So I could sneak off And examine the email in private Turns out it was a good move Because not ten seconds later He walked in As I scooted back to my desk But for some reason

The 2560x1080 resolution photo I took from seven feet away Wasn't good enough quality To make out the words on the screen I tried to zoom in And enhance CSI style But to no avail Anyway, I looked fricking good

In the selfie I took So I might post it to the gram Not sure yet I started second guessing myself If the email was in fact a job offer Or if I was just jumping to conclusions I decided I wanted some more evidence So when he went to lunch

He remembered to lock his computer So I casually perused his desk For any clues Jesus Ain't no luck Fast forward to the next day And he emails the department Saying he has to step out for an hour

Usually if he does this He provides an explanation Like he's going to a doctor's appointment Or a lunch So on a hunch I checked the office printer history And minutes before He had printed a word doc

Titled resume The smoking gun Oh my god If he leaves our department It would be devastating It would be utter chaos He still pulls a ton of weight With him gone

Plus my other coworker On maternity leave The department would suffer greatly From an onslaught of work If I try to quit then It would be the worst timing imaginable I would be a dick To all of my coworkers

And I would feel terrible For doing that to them I'm considering if I should quit sooner Than planned To beat him to the punch It would make me seem Like less of an ass While still accomplishing the same outcome

And it would make my boss look bad Instead of me The problem is That I have my holiday bonus Still coming up Which would likely forfeit And the Christmas party Which I would want to attend

And I'm honestly scared to jump back Into the job market And want it to procrastinate a little bit longer Another option is that I just take his job But I vow to get a new job come January And I want to actually do something That I can enjoy my life

I want to value my happiness At my job Over my salary So should I quit Before he quits To make him the dick Should I wait until January to quit Or stay

And possibly get a promotion Wow Thanks for any help That was a roller coaster And I was on his side until He revealed himself to be a psychopath Which was which paragraph Really?

That was crazy person That was a manifesto It seemed like a And also the government It seemed like a full First or second act of a corporate episode Selfie The enhancing

The checking the printer Yeah, you I think you would like our show Well, I think the non-funny Answer that I would give That my honest advice would be The most important part of this Is to never take a promotion

At a job You definitely don't want Because then The worst part about that is You get a tune to the new salary Then you naturally just start buying things A little more loosely And then you can't live without those things

Oh, interesting Is that how people get you? That's how people get you That's how you If you start working in the film industry And you want to be a writer Or something You just start working in a certain department

You start rising up And then you kind of can't live without that money And you can't like Go back to a dumb job And just write And try to get your way back in So I definitely think Do not take the promotion

That is the biggest mistake you could do Because you don't love it And life will be over before you know it And so don't like Don't waste any time at a job You know you won't love This is like the thesis of your show, basically Yeah, for sure

And I would also say Don't... I mean It's good that you like the people you work with But don't ever value the company over yourself You should not let that factor into the decision Especially It doesn't sound like it's a start-up

It's like a department of a bigger company Yeah, eight people in his department Yeah, you can't worry about that at all And should be willing to abandon them at anything Yeah, try to get... I would say It's totally true The weirdest part about it

Because they would fire you They don't value you Yeah, they don't care about you The weirdest part about that email to me Now that I'm thinking about it Is he really wants to go to the Christmas party Like what company Christmas party is worth going to There are so many open bars

If you go online You can find any way to get a drink anywhere It's so easy I don't know what the fuck you care about that But I would honestly wait it out Get the Christmas bonus Which will give you a few months of rent, I assume Christmas bonus for sure

And then, you know, don't get a job That will take your mind away Get a dumb job That's like for... Make the bare minimum to pay rent And then write as much as you possibly can Or perform and write If you want to write comedy

I would try to move down to LA as well Or maybe the bonus will be your moving costs Or move to New York or something like that But definitely don't get another job That utilizes your brain at all Like literally as... Go to Dunkin' Donuts Like just literally the stupidest job possible

And just try to write constantly Because it takes many years to really learn how to do it well Did you guys have shitty desk jobs? Is that the source of your show? Jake had this mindless job that he was talking about He worked at a chandelier store I quit because I was working as a post-production supervisor Because I was failing upwards kind of in film

And so I was working these shows Like for Rescue Me I was becoming the post supervisor of that And I was making so much money and I was like 24 or 25 I was like, I don't need this money I don't need heroin, I don't need it So I quit that job To work at a chandelier store

Which was as mindless as they come to write To write comedy and to tell jokes at night And stuff like that, so it worked That's a very mature thought for a 25 year old It's like, I don't need the money, I'm going to take a worse boring job So to free my mental capacity But I think it's the key I want to work at a chandelier store

This sounds like a very annoying thing That... Tony Robbins will say You have to take a step backwards to go forwards So you have to take less money To eventually get more money and to do what you want to do But not only that, but you took a job In a field that you're not interested in

From a field that you were I love chandeliers Oh my god, I'm thinking about them right now When I look at your faces, all I see are chandeliers Why don't you try to sell a show So we could buy the chandeliers That's all I really want No, it took as dumb a job as was available

And it was the right decision Very stupid I retain no knowledge About chandeliers from the three years of working there But it was definitely the right move Again, the older you get And this is pretty serious But the older you get, the people that are happy

I'm sure you guys see this as the ones doing what they love For a living People who aren't doing what they love for a living Pretty universally unhappy It's a very large chunk of your life In this country It's your identity Exactly

And then if you don't have a job We know that Scientists have proven that If you don't have a job Then often what you'll do to combat that Is drink heavily on the weekends So you don't find the time to work To what you want

If you're a comedy writer and you need to find a job You can pretend you're working at it And be writing at it You need to fuck the system And make it work for you I had a bunch of them I came out here with a degree in marketing and English So I had jobs in marketing

At entertainment companies And copywriting And I guess I won't say any of the names of the companies Because they're all large entertainment companies But every six months I would become suicidal at the job And desperately try to get out Of the situation I was in

And I used to... Because it's hard when you have a job where you have no power To get out for an interview And I was in the middle of the last slide And so I used to just... I have asthma And so at every single job I got I would tell them early on that I had asthma

And then When I would need to go out for multiple interviews I would tell them that I was going to an asthma clinic To get tested Even though those things aren't real Yeah, there's no such thing as an asthma clinic Or like one time I just got pretty cartoonish and silly

Like one time I literally walked into my boss's office And I had to leave I just threw up my asthma And I have to go home and get it That's like what I did in like third grade To go to the nurse and be like I threw up I should have been more of an adult and given a real excuse

But it's basically like I have diarrhea You don't want me around We have a friend who got Like confronted about it Like by his boss Are your teeth okay? I'm really worried

Yeah, that's the go-to Is the dentist, you can use that once every six months Then you slowly start to realize Like people don't really have General doctors appointments People use that as an excuse but like When do you just have a doctors appointment? For all you people out there trying to get out of your job

Carry around an inhaler It's very easy to fake And if you You could just put weed in there And have it be a vape It's like an inhaler So what should this guy do What are you thinking for this guy?

Is it just as simple as leave and pursue your dream Get the Christmas bonus and then leave after that Although if he leaves after I guess this is staying But the thing is about like writers While he's biding his time Trying to figure out the best time to leave All of

The world is full of people who are not doing anything except for writing Yes Or as well start doing it Unless this is the easiest job That doesn't require anything Then you could maybe keep it Because it is a pain in the ass finding another job You didn't really go into that

But just make sure that you are spending All of your time outside of work I think you should leave the job because If he becomes a boss Well he also said that they look at him As the competent one Which means they're going to put more on him When his boss leaves so he needs to go somewhere

Where they don't think he's particularly competent Or he really needs all his mental energy Because he clearly He's invested enough emotionally in the people at this job To worry about them and like what happens If I leave it's like no you need to go somewhere Where you just care about yourself Because to make it as a comedy writer you have to be very narcissistic

And it's very important to be very Self-involved He's got the comedy writer's anxiety though With all the spying he did on his boss He's definitely overthinking everything And also thinking he looks good in a selfie In the bathroom like that I would quit the day after my boss quit

Just so like they get real desperate Because that's when they're like please stay We'll give you several hundred thousands of dollars We're losing everybody So that would be my That's what I would do Leverage the boss quitting Then you quit the very next day

And they throw cash at you That goes against everything that all of us are saying Of course But this is another option for this guy Because I wouldn't have left For a proper job But become the boss And then also fuck over the people that he cares about

Making him pay him a lot of cash Give up on the writing dream You do that for two, three, maybe 40 years Until you retire And then you could pursue the writing thing You read a memoir about your insanely boring life That you spent behind a desk At least that's what I would do in that situation

Alright let's get another question in About a wingman Jake, do you have a wingman's name? Zanzibar That's good Zanzibar Ralph My best friend from high school And I have been living in Manhattan for a year now

I've introduced him to a group of friends from college And we all get along great Going out on the weekends is always a ton of fun The end Do you have any questions for me? However he's the world's worst wingman Whenever we do go out and I'm talking to a girl Who'll always awkwardly try to nudge us together

Or loudly tell my other friends To look over in my direction Sometimes he'll try to hit on girls for me In an over-aggressive manner None of the other friends seem to have a problem with it But it does make me feel self-conscious And small I've tried talking to him about it

But he just brushes it off saying that he has Quote my best interests at heart He's always given me good advice in other areas Before and I owe him for helping me With my job interview a couple months back But how do I get him to back off a little In this specific social situation Tota, thank you, love

Zanzibar Wow Are you guys wingmen ever? Do you guys have good wingmen in your life? Are you guys single? No, we're not single So you must have good wingmen Because they both got you girlfriend

This is interesting This is a very complicated question My instinct is To not go out with him every weekend My instinct is To sort of try to diversify Who you're hanging out with And kind of not really

Tell him your plans all the time That can get tricky and that can be I feel like this guy is His friend is a little immature So he might get a little mad about that Your advice is to Betray his friend I guess for me the idea of a wingman

Is a little Immature because when you get older You kind of just realize that everyone Wants to get late Everyone wants to find someone You don't need your friend to help you have sex You really don't It's kind of a very immature thing

Kind of postured by media Where it's like Everyone's lonely Like your web series It's kind of like The wingman concept is so bizarre No one can help me have sex better than my best friend Come on dude

I need you We have sex Yeah It's not a job It's just a friend Have you ever tried to help? I've definitely been a wingman What do you do?

I was such a douche in my 20s What would you do? What's considered a good wingman? I guess Sort of sacrificing yourself I think If there's a group of girls at a bar And you're with a group of guys

The guy that goes over to talk to them Is sort of immediately seen as The biggest asshole It's like a sacrifice You can bridge the gap You can come over and make fun of me For making a fool of myself And then the people on the

Sorry about him move Not super aggressive Like I go over and I'm spilling a drink on somebody And say hey what are you guys doing here You walk over and pour a drink on your own head Look at what Jakey do The perfect wingman I feel like

Then people on the outskirts of both groups Can kind of intermingle That's interesting I hadn't really thought about that Here's what I think you should do I think you should tell your friend To let you beat the shit out of him I think he should

You should say Go over to this group and be kind of a douche And then you be the hero and beat the Shit out of him in front of these women And then do that a few times And he'll stop wanting to be a wingman Cause he's the guy that's constantly getting beat up It's like dude if you really want me to

Have sex and you know Feel the joy of ejaculation Then you'll let me beat your cheeks in Come on man Are you a good wingman or not The joy of ejaculation Like chicken soup for the soul The joy of ejaculation

He has to Like he has to make being a wingman Like an unpleasant experience It's a very selfless job because you are Doing the social suffering Of trying to break the ice which is kind of awkward Without any of the joy of ejaculation Of course

It's the shame of non-ejaculation Yeah And then you bring, it's the robin hood You steal the ejaculate from the rich The shame of jealousy I do think going back to what Jake was saying Is like everyone is alone And the more you cannot think of this as like

A game that people are playing And be straightforward with people About like hey I think You look pretty You know what actually I take all my advice back But I do think Yeah I do have a girlfriend so Did you meet her through a social

Wingman situation or was it a Through online dating actually Oh okay so you don't even need a wingman It's kind of cool so it's wingman but for online dating Did you have that idea once where you like Swipe for your friend or something I think that's like interesting in theory But like really

I don't want to spend too much of my time Helping you get laid It would be like an underused app It would be an underused app I've wingmaned for you No it's wingmaned I've wingmaned for you hard before Successfully

I'm my dad Any instances of me being a good wingman Or do you just know me To be a good wingman generally Or do you just think I'm a shitty wingman You just remember the two times I fucked up And you bring it up every day I can remember several successful wingmaning

It's easier If it's like After a show where like people sort of know who we are Already it's easier if the wingman Is in a relationship and he's wingmaning For someone who's not because that's like I'm out of the running but Trickle down joy of ejaculation

Economics Um But it is a delicate tightrope Of like you're being obviously A wingman and now it's being like detrimental To me where it's like you have to like Toe the line between being Good but not too overboard

About it and also not doing anything The solution seems to be to have like A conversation with this guy that's not like You're being a bad wingman but more like Let's not worry about girls tonight Let's just go out and let's just have fun Like let's get drunk and we'll dance Yeah, being a good wingman is really

Just like being like kind of a nice Good conversationalist And hopefully they don't want to sleep with them Instead of you You don't even have to call them a wingman You could call them human Just be a good person This might human, human, go talk to woman

But also in general I do think when you're that young Because they seem pretty young They know that You're gonna end up You're gonna end up dating so many people Like you're gonna end up dating so many people In your life, everyone dates so many people

You're gonna not remember a lot of them And it doesn't matter So just everyone relax Like it's just not that big a deal Which is our advice for every question Just relax, it's not that big a deal First of all, chill Second of all, relax

Alright, let's take a break I just want to point out There's a quick Real quick theory That the friend is a fine wingman And this guy can't get late Do we think about that? So let's also just remember

That you should be self-reflective And if you're not getting late It's not entirely on your friend Have your friend submit a question to this podcast We want to hear his side of the story I'm wingmanning the shit out of my dude I'm throwing him alley-oop And slam the ball

Alright, now let's take a break And then we'll be back with more questions and answers With Jake and Matt, and me and Jake Thank you to Aura Frames For sponsoring this headgum podcast You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring Not just this episode, but the entire Headgum network, Jake

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So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby And then it goes to their digital photo Yeah, frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant We got her the Aura frame We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice, asshole This was actually a really sweet moment For me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit Like this is how I told my grandma She was pregnant Yeah, kind of like she misheard it

Or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame

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And we're back Hey, Jake or Matt Do you guys have any Oh, I'm soliciting a device Mom, I'm coming Gross Sorry about that Yup

I'm soliciting advice That's great This is extremely small But I think that people in general Don't realize how good grapes are Your voice has got small Talking about it Fresh green grapes for dessert

You'll love it And you probably haven't done it in a while And you will love it It tastes good It's a very healthy candy Grapes are nature's candy And I feel like people are sleeping on grapes And they're so good

You ever freeze grapes? What? You ever freeze grapes? Yeah, I love it Two quick things Rebuttal? I think frozen grapes It makes my skin crawl

I hate cold fruit biting into it I'm stressed out thinking about it That said, I have also recently discovered grapes And I think they're great I think they're grapes I don't do them for dessert though I put them in my salad I'm a new convert to fruit and salad

I thought it was bizarre Try it up, cranberries in salad Sometimes it's really good What are your thoughts on fruit salad? Some chicken Some nuts Some grapes Some lettuce

Yeah, I just think But grapes in general, you forget how good they are They genuinely taste sweet And they're not that bad for you It's pretty awesome Yeah, when they're super crisp And also, if you go to a dinner party A bowl of fresh grapes

Just imagine that right now They're not frozen, so relax But you just put them on the table It's like everyone's finished Everyone's finished their dinner The plates are cleared And the host comes in And you're expecting an enormous cake

Like one of the biggest cakes ever But instead they put a fresh bowl of green grapes And you're like, how sensible Everybody's pissed except for you Yeah, I'm thrilled I was afraid that would be a cake Thank God it's this small grape You're gonna love it

I'm telling you, it's great One grape per person Everybody take it like a pill You're gonna love it You're gonna feel better about yourself after It definitely doesn't fill you up in a gross way And it's delicious I'm just saying

I hate my pieces of advice Now that yours was so cute Mine's not cute, mine is wonderful Mine's about shaving your grungle With a grape Alright, I'll give two pieces of advice The first is Just another fruit

Yeah, eat apples Actually, honey crisp apples If you haven't had them are delicious Open a Roth IRA As soon as possible in your life As soon as you can't afford to put a little money away Open a Roth IRA Tell me, I think I do have one

But tell me about why that's good that I did it It's good because Assuming the American economy does not collapse The stock market generally goes up over time And so it's good to invest broadly in the stock market And the Roth IRA is a place Where you can put about five grand a year Tax-free

And as long as you don't withdraw it until you retire It's a tax-free money that you'll... And the earlier you do it in your life The more time it has to mature and grow Is it the same as a 401K? It is very similar If you have a 401K that's also good A Roth IRA is just a different form of that

That you can also put money into Got it And you can't access that money Unless you're like sixty-two and a half You can, there's a penalty So it's money that you want to be relatively certain That you're good putting away for a while Got it

And it's very good to do it because most people don't And then don't have money when they retire Or just are unable to retire Right, or they spent all their money And now they can't retire So I'm sorry my piece of advice is really boring But it is important to do that It's more helpful than mine

It's really perfect Sorry, it's not as exciting as grapes I would also say spend five thousand dollars a year on grapes And don't put it in the Roth I think it really worked in tandem with grapes You have two little nest eggs of sorts They're filled with the fruit I'm happy we had you guys on at the same time

Did you say yet another one? Sure, I'll give one more This is a little broader A little broader than investing broadly When I was in college I applied for a fellowship at The Onion And at the time this guy Joe Randazzo was the editor And I, oh yeah Can they hear that?

They'll hear it, but faintly It'll be like a nice warm bath for their ears As somebody drills away next door Yeah, anyway all that being said Is one of the best pieces of advice I ever got early in my life Was to work hard and don't expect too much And my interpretation of that is just Focus on doing really good work

And don't worry too much about If you do that you'll be taken to the right place And don't focus on pipe dreams I guess I think I would just, I would in tandem with that say Keep your eyes on your own paper Because there's so much comparing to other people That happens especially in comedy and entertainment It's like they got that by this age

And you'll get success at whatever age you should You'll be, they'll let you know when you're ready And if you just keep focusing on who you want to be And what you want to say artistically That's the most important thing Don't worry what other people are doing Because there's a lot of people who are successful at 22 Who then at 32 are not successful

Like you just have to go at your own pace And truly don't worry about what other people are doing Just keep focusing on getting yourself Better at what you're doing Yeah because jealousy is poison They have nothing to do with you It's just what you should be doing for yourself Before these guys came in you were like

Fuck these guys they have a show we should have a show Why does dad Jake have a show And this Jake doesn't have a show Is he funnier, is he cooler, is he better He must be otherwise why would he be succeeding Over my Jake Mine, mine, mine Mine Jake

I'm gonna start showing up And doing the podcast with you And I'm like well my name's Jake You can't say I'm not the Jake Were you guys as into that Philosophy even before you had a show Is it easier to say now that you do have a show I think we

We talked about it a lot before It's obviously hard when you're starting out And you see the other people Doing way better than you to not feel jealous But it's really poisonous To focus too much On that and really toxic For your own mind and soul

I think also Missy Elliott once tweeted this And I love Missy And she said something like Her music is so incredible but it was very different And she said sometimes if you have A different way of seeing things or doing things It takes longer for you to hit because

People already see the world in a certain way And so they will reject what's different But then if you just wait a little longer It works out And I think for me There was not much on TV Or I was like oh my god I wish I'd done that I was like I want to make my own thing

And sometimes if you don't see your own thing On TV that's actually a blessing Because that means if you have an original point of view If you feel you do eventually they're going to want that And it may seem stressful that it's not there already But really it's working in your favor You just kind of have to have faith So what's the origin story of corporate

For those of you who don't know It's a show on Comedy Central A really dark comedy On Comedy Central The first season came out a year or two ago And then the second season is coming out in January This year that's 2019 Like when did the ideas of corporate start

How long did it take to go from 15 4 years ago and it's one season Until 2019 And you better like the idea you come up with Because it'll be your whole life People don't understand Don't just throw up any idea

Because it is everything you talk about You don't talk to your family anymore Your relationships will suffer You'll definitely get divorced So like definitely love the idea That you come up with And what's the origin of the idea How did you sell it other than like

Dilbert meets American Psycho We were living together We were roommates for a while And sort of out of I had as I said like a ton of Nightmare office jobs To just We started talking about those jobs

And we wanted to sort of tackle Or make an office comedy that was A little more representative of how you actually Feel at an office which is Like you want to die and then Trapped and like it's a prison Like the office made living in Scranton Selling paper kind of like

It's like fun you have a family And oh good news you have a crush Occasionally dull but no one's Killing them Whereas I felt like I was trapped And held the whole time and so we wanted to Do like a really cinematic Kind of wild comedy set

In an office Yeah I think we also just really love Movies and I think there's a lot of comedy That's sort of that just Regurgitating not necessarily in a bad way But just kind of doing the kind of comedy they saw before I really just love movies growing up And I wanted to make movies that were funny

Like instead of funny Movies if that makes sense Movies but that have a lot of jokes Yeah and I mean corporate their episodes They look like movies Yeah we care about that We hired like a DP who's really French and you know

We just wanted to make it look Like almost make it look like The opposite of an office comedy because we just That's sort of what I'm saying is we We saw like when you look At the landscape of like office comedies Or comedies there's a lot of like There's very flat lighting and it's fine

Like Parks and Rec the office these are great shows But they look a certain way it's like well Because that's out there they might Actually be hungry for something Completely different looking That's in the same world so it was like a good thing That those shows existed We also just wanted to make a show

Where we could sort of talk about anything We have pretty nihilistic views on America and capitalism Turns out it's bad We wanted to be able to talk about that stuff It does definitely like I Line up with my values so I find it Like so funny and so dark and like

The way you guys push the envelope is so Like hilarious. Thank you very much I saw the episode of there's like a Mass tragedy or mass shooting do you specify We purposely keep it So it's a Nameless tragedy so that way whatever happens The day before it airs it can still go up

So there's a tragedy And there's a death toll that's going up Throughout the episode and it's about Matt's facebook status Post that gets stolen and hijacked And becomes viral without You getting credit for it It's about like people being self interested

In the face of something they should not be Self interested in Everyone rushes to post to social media And they do check how many likes it gets Even though people are dying And that's just what America is right now Love it Again January 15th

January 15th season 2 Co-starring Adam Lustig The most talented, funniest man ever He's great in the show too Cause he always plays a happy go lucky guy I know and we make him so mean And Lance Reddick from the wire And Aparna Nancherla

Lance Reddick from the wire That's so fucking cool He's so awesome and he is The complete opposite of every character he's ever played He's like the sweetest grandfather I guess everybody On the show plays a depressed dark person And then you guys are also very sweet

Yeah, thank you Is the set like dark And sad just by accident The irony of shooting the show Is that we escaped our boring office jobs Only to go make a show In the setting of a boring office job And it feels bad

You die while you're filming A little bit It's still under the harsh floor It's a really bad filming situation But it makes it look good So it's worth it The old L.A. Times building But media is dead

So the set is open We toured that one time When we were looking for a set That's where they filmed Bad Men No, they filmed L.A. Center Studios My bad I was gonna say yes to whatever you asked Yes

That's where they shot Simpsons Can we answer another question Before you guys have to get the hell out of here This one is about another Office party We're a holiday party Matt, back to you Oh, fake ladies name

Linda That's the perfect name When you changed it from dude to lady I saw the panic in his eyes when he knew he couldn't say Ralph again Ralph's cousin Linda I just started a new job At a really cool marketing agency

You like that? It's not like the other marketing agencies There's only about 20 employees And I kid you not, I'm the only one Without a significant other So the holiday party is coming up And everyone's bringing a date And let me know that I can bring one too

Higher prostitutes Good night everybody Let's roll through all the questions That you're supposed to just hire a prostitute for I'm looking to lose my virginity But yeah, it works How do I get a date for this thing? I could ask this dude from my kickball league

And I'm just assuming he's into me Because he likes to text me a lot of memes and gifts But if I'm wrong And he actually just thinks of me as a friend Then it would be really awkward Or should I seek out a date on hinge or bumble I don't want to show up solo to this gig And feel like I'm a total loser

Help, thanks, Linda I actually completely disagree with Linda I think you should not bring a date to this Especially if you're going to bring a first date To an office party That is in my mind a nightmare Definitely not from hinge Not from bumble

For the love of God, don't do that Yeah, I would say If anything bring just a friend The kickball guy obviously likes you I mean, there's no question about that So if you think he likes you And he's saying you memes That just means please have sex with me

Maybe it's just a guy on my kickball team That likes sending gifts But I think also if it doesn't go that well You kind of have to leave the Kickball team I wouldn't necessarily do that Unless you don't care and are done with kickball You can invite him as a friend

And then you guys will probably end up getting drunk and having sex Yeah, probably You could take me But I would do it I'll just I won't put out Linda But what I'm saying is I would do it for the bit

And I would be really weird It would be funny in a weird bit that I would do That's cool Corporate's own Jake Weidzman It's like when Dwayne Wade Goes to prom with some girl It's just the worst version of that ever Not damn

Do I want this to happen This episode's coming out soon Hopefully before the Christmas party The worst version of Dwayne Wade Going to a holiday party It's like, oh, a show I haven't watched yet But we're meaning to get to Jake would say some inappropriate things

I would just talk to your co-workers About how the government is wrong Yeah Yeah, I don't know Why don't you just go alone I guarantee someone else will hit on you Someone significant others will hit on you It'll be interesting and weird

If you don't get too drunk I'm sure someone will make a mistake And you can use that to get ahead in the company It'll be fine I think you could bring a friend I like the idea of bringing a friend Or just like somebody that you are not sexually interested In that you want to get drunk with

Because office parties are great for that Free booze Is there such a thing as a cool marketing agency? You worked at a marketing agency Are there cool ones and bad ones? Are they all the same ones? I think there are probably cool ones and bad ones I only worked for the bad ones

The cool one is anyone you didn't work Marketing is strange because you're essentially You work with other people to try to manipulate People How can I manipulate other people? So it feels dirty and fucked up I think it just depends on the clients Because I feel like if you get to market

For the MBA Or you get to market for a brand The perks are crazy If you get to market for Nike You get to Destroy kids' lives that live in other countries And you get to go to cool games And that's an amazing

Sort of situation I think it just depends Marketing is brainwashing But that's fun It's like a fun thing When you're the one holding the little Emblem on the chain But if you market for Beats by Dre

You get to meet a lot of cool people And you get to make a lot of people happy And I think they probably This episode is sponsored by Beats by Dre By the chandelier store It truly just depends What the perks are Like you know

You're grifting people out of money Small agencies that do that kind of cool Like guerrilla marketing stuff That seems cool I like a good guerrilla marketer You don't even have to have a boss Just get out there It's just the frenzy

It's disruptive That's so fucking guerrilla Alright sweet That's it, that's our time Three questions Anything else you wanted to promote Or is corporate the big boy? Just corporate January 15th at 10.30pm

On Comedy Central It comes after Drunk History The premiere of that new season Is at 10pm, but yeah I think you'll really love 30 season No no, our show is at 10.30pm Yeah, Drunk History is at 10. If you want to have an hour of Being high and watching TV Follow us on Instagram

Are you still doing that knife I actually stopped that, I have a new Parity account I do with my friend Kate Tulien Which if you want to check it out is a Parity account You can check it out for yourself And follow me at Matt Ingebritzen I'm posting some really fun photos There are a lot of shots of him too tall

For airplane bathrooms That's solid Alright, the opening theme song was written by Rob Of course, this closing one is Kendrick from New Orleans They can follow him at The other Kendrick on Instagram And thanks for writing in That's a good Instagram handle

The other Kendrick We'll see you next week Bye We'll be back next week Bye Head, head, head, head, head Head, head, head, head Head, head, head, head

Gum Head, head, head Head, head, head Head, head, head Yes, dude