If I Were You - 362: Christmas Eve

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

Ho, ho, ho! Enjoy this special Xmas episode with the family as we discuss when Jesus was born, and whether babies can be born with tattoos.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. What the hell have I gotten into? I'm so scared that I'll never get advice That really works to maintain anonymity There's a podcast with guys from college humor I guess I'll give it on this scene And take my mind off of what's wrong This is the cheese

Yes, still please There's all these sticky situations That they're solving We're getting advice from the pinching schmuel A lot of love isn't there to bring in I wonder how you can be best friends with A cute little chip but with no sense in humor Never let a sleet of gum burn in my brain

If I were you, podcast my headgum I'll even shake it and leave my problem Give me red but I swear you got to run it Fall Out Boy, nice. At the onset of the song I believed it was some 41, but I was wrong Uh, sorry we're not recording yet Okay, sorry, so you wanna, if you just press the button I can remember what I said

I'll just be like And intro ended Fall Out Boy, at the onset of the song Hold on one second, I'm figuring it out I need to get the levels right Alright, sorry Alright, test Testing, testing, testing

Alright, talking here Game song just ended and... You're on Alright, sorry, now Actually Fall Out Boy, I thought Hold on one second Ooh, Fall Out Boy, nice

At the onset of that song I thought it was a Blink 182 or a fucking some 41 cover But I don't know, I guess I'm kind of a moron like that Jake here What's that? What are you doing? I was just saying that I thought that was a

I thought that was a Fall Out Boy Fall Out Boy? Fall Out Boy cover You stole my joke, said it as yourself And then claimed to be me And you did a worse job of me I guess it wasn't even a joke Yeah

That's almost why it's weird that you stole it What you did was steal something of no value to me Like a sponge Also, I think you made it me say it extra time So you could learn it This is the guy who wrote last week's theme song Which is the Blink 182 cover This guy did a Fall Out Boy cover for us

It's Rob August We forgot to shout out his Instagram last week So we're gonna do it And right now, Rob underscore August Tell Jake I said hi I played his Evil Twin in a project a couple years ago As you can see from my Insta What do you think that means?

He played your Evil Twin in a project I am not sure What's his Instagram? I'll look at it Rob underscore August But he said a couple years ago So I'll have to like scroll all the time Did you ever shoot something where you had an Evil Twin?

Probably Oh, that's cool Like you don't even fucking remember Oh Jesus, I wrote underscore I wrote Rob underscore underscore Like I did an underscore and then I wrote underscore Is that just because your brain is sort of scattered right now? I think so

I think it's because I'm scattered and I'm stupid We're recording this before the holidays But this is coming out December 24th It's a goddamn Christmas Eve episode of our show This guy is tatted and jacked Really? I did find it Oh

I am in the photo Oh I have absolutely no recollection of this day Let me see I have a theory of when it was I think I know when it was This was when? What's the date on the photo?

July 30th, 2014 Wow Nearly five years ago Yeah Let's see it And this is you in the photo With this guy and he's playing your Evil Twin Yeah

Where is that? So I think I'll tell you where it is I think you're gonna get it You are It was at Siren Studios Why are you wearing a weird shirt? I believe you are in the next room

Oh Is this the Is that Is this the video game thing we did? We like hosted a video game marathon Yeah Where we were doing weird challenges Yeah, for like Skype

Yeah I forget What that was for It was with Bobby Lee, right? Bobby Lee was the host It was like you and I playing video games For The idea was

Like We want to have Jake and Mia play like legit 48 hours of video games Like legit 24 hours And they asked us to do it And we were like Obviously not We're not gonna do that

We're not gonna do that Do it for 48 hours straight Yeah, so they like did a They like faked it, I guess, right? They must have And then They were like But we did have to do like two 12 hour days of it or something

Yeah, and they kept throwing challenges at us That we didn't really want to do But it was being live streamed So like at one point we were planking With like a little person on our back Is that true? Yes They were like who can do a plank longer

With a little person on their back It was Insane It was a shit show That was That is so awful The fact that we did it Well we didn't know it

That was the challenge It was like We're gonna throw challenges at you Right And then it was like as we were there Yeah Okay, now you guys have to do There was one that was just like an eating contest

They're like Alright, which one of you guys can eat more spaghetti? And I was like I'm not gonna eat any spaghetti So Mia's gonna eat more And then like we also played video games That we didn't know how to play against each other That's right

So I was like gamers watching us Not knowing how to play video games Sometimes doing a plank Sometimes not eating spaghetti And sometimes playing a game That we don't know how to play against each other And that was to inspire some sort of Awareness for

It was to make cash and to have money Is what it was for I don't even remember the product It was a voice recognition video game thing It wasn't Alexa It was like Alexa play this game And it would play I thought it was like a Skype thing

With integration with video games Right, but then it was so early on in that development That like we would say it and it wouldn't work But it was live stream So it'd be like play a game And it was like do not know what that is And they're like hold on And then like a marketing person would walk in

Super stressed out Shit shit Hey hey hey shit Did you press the button on the remote control? It's all being live stream Yeah exactly Meanwhile you're not eating pasta And that's supposed to be good for the product

So this guy would play my evil twin Which I guess I sort of remember now I don't know I can't remember if I I don't know if I remember If it's like Now that you saw the photo Right, the photo was a memory

Yeah, but it's not actually a memory that you had You think that video exists anywhere The live stream Do you think a human can see it If they wanted to You think they posted it somewhere to a website That's accidentally still online I would hope not

But yeah it probably is online somewhere I bet it's on YouTube somewhere That's awesome man Anyway this is if I were you The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us I'm Amir I'm Jake

Where are you right now If it's Christmas Eve Where are you doing that I am in Connecticut In Connecticut At my Aunt Susie's house Going ham on a ham She usually we sometimes

Yeah, she makes some food We have some pizza Pizza? Sometimes there's pizza Sometimes there's like other food that people make My mom makes cookies We sing Christmas carols Oh really?

Legit it is Christmas Eve We do presents We do Christmas carols We read the night before Christmas Oh you read a Christmas book Yeah, we do We go hard on Christmas On the crick side of the family

Does it feel like Thanksgiving Or does it feel even more Thanksgiving Eve Than Thanksgiving Is it more of a holiday than Thanksgiving It's more of a holiday than Thanksgiving I think Thanksgiving is like An excuse to see everybody And then there's like

Oh and look there's turkey And it's fall And there's like a couple things Like but Christmas is like About Christmas Yeah There's a tree There's Santa

There's gifts There's like Wreaths Garlands There's lights Is there a ham I want to know if someone's taking a ham Out of the oven

We don't do a Christmas ham And then next day are you eating ham No I mean Christmas day for our family Is like we do secret Santa In the morning And then the rest of the day We're just hanging There's not really any like Christmas traditions

Got it It's like after After we open the presents We become Jewish again Oh like that was it You wear It wears off The spell is gone

The curse has been lifted Yeah And it's just Hating each other until Passover Our favorite holiday Where we do eat a ham on Matzah I love Christmas Eve I think it's really nice

Would you say it's your favorite holiday Christmas is definitely my favorite holiday What's your Christmas Eve like You don't even fucking realize That it's the 24th of December It might as well be the 21st You're at a movie Maybe

You're at home watching a Laker game You're doing nothing Yeah there's A football game on So you don't see the family The family No I have no family Between the 21st of December

And I want to say like the The 30th of May I won't communicate one word With my brothers or my mother Or my father So you're a bad guy year round No I'm a sour man from December to May

When the sun comes out again And temperatures reach 80 degrees I'm able to have fun again with my family As a tanned little friendly Constructive sun Constructive I'm giving criticism You describe yourself as a son

As constructive You're a bad guy I'm a good son I'm a constructive son Everybody gets away with shit Well Amir is hibernating That's what I call it Hibernating because I don't see them

You're probably a tweenage dweeb I would say A tweenage dirt dweeb baby Alright let's try to answer some questions People still need our guidance Even though it's Christmas Especially because it's Christmas Merry Christmas everybody

Ho ho okay Let's start with this guy Who will call Christopher J. Kringle Santa So here it is I work in a busy emergency department And recently one of the nurses

I have worked with for years has left I had a thing for her But we didn't get so flirty And because she had a boyfriend The day she left She kissed my lips And said she had a thing for me For so long

Okay We speak daily over text since This was about five weeks ago I literally adore her And would jump at the chance To have a future with her But on the other hand I would never break up a couple

As I know how much it would hurt him My head and my heart Are constantly battling over this issue What should I do? Thanks Love Chris Kringle That's not very Santa-like He wants to break up a relationship

But that's, I think it's Actually he doesn't want to And that's the problem Right It's one thing to not needle And it's another thing to Like completely abstain When somebody in a relationship

Is like kissing you And saying that they like you Yeah, you didn't needle It's on her And maybe this relationship And guy are bad Most likely they are If that's what's happening

Yeah But I think you was still You can't like You don't want to enter A relationship this way I feel like you can wait And the relationship will die I mean if a girl is kissing

Somebody else and say That I had the hots for you And then you've been texting daily Ever since Seems like the writing's on the wall Yeah, but I think that you can Do your part to break them up And be a good guy by saying

I want to do this the right way I want to date you with honor With Valor Yeah Hoorah That's right With Valor Y'all always behave with Valor

With honor Hold yourself in the highest regard The most esteem That's the sword that he has Yeah, you say I let's do this right When you're single I would love to take you out

On a proper date Oh, that's good You say when you're single Because then it puts the timeline On that person To hurry their shit up So you're saying He doesn't necessarily have a green

Light to go with A green light to go ahead But he does have a yellow light To proceed with caution Yellow light actually means to To stop Yield Yeah

He has to yield with caution I think there's a yield sign There's a merge sign Yes, he has to merge You wait till the traffic clears And then you can merge You can merge And her name is Marge

Merge with Marge And yield accordingly I can only imagine this relationship That she's in It has an expiration date You're still texting with her Which means the fire, the flicker The flame is still going

The more you text The better your chances Or do you want to starve her a little I'm not even talking about chances anymore Because I think the chances It's 100% It's good to go It's gonna happen

The light is green Or yellow Or yellow It's not yellow You have to slow down To proceed with caution Yellow light means to stop You're supposed to stop

You're not supposed to proceed with caution If you see the yellow light What if you're at the intersection That means stop Because the light's turning red What if you're at the intersection And it's too late Would you then proceed with caution

I would have to proceed I'd have to proceed with caution I'd have to slam on my brakes And end in the intersection You're at the intersection The light's red Yeah, is there a turn on red? I'll do a Tokyo drift

E-brake Steering wheel all the way to the left Roll the car Roll tide Under a truck You're now facing against traffic Under a truck Not for luck

And you're ready to be with your soulmate And this sounds like a way parents meet It's like, yeah, my mom was dating somebody else And my dad just kept chipping away and texting And then she kissed him And then it was over for them You hope so All I'm saying is that it's possible

It's probable It's likely And it's going to happen So congratulations Grad All right, here's another question From a lady Who's a lady in the Christmas universe?

Mrs. Claus? Mrs. Claus writes Mrs. Claus, not Miss She's married to Santa, fuck her I thought it was his sister No, it's not his sister They're a bunch of old perverts that live together They have the same last name

Incessuous relationship Of course they have the same last name Because she took his last name when they got married That's not very feminist What was her real name? It happened a long time ago Before it was normal For people that keep their independence

What was Mrs. Claus's married name? Or sorry, maiden name That's a good question Green You think she's Jewish? I don't think so I don't think she moves to the North Pole For a Christian man

With Christian values If Jesus was Jewish Then you better believe Mrs. Claus Was raised Episcopalian Slash Jew mix You know she ate a lot because of you She's interfaith Absolutely interfaith

My name is Miss Claus I'm a 19 year old Mrs. Why? You think she's married? I think she's his sister I'm a 19 year old female from Sweden And I'm in a bit of a sticky situation Evolving my relationship

My boyfriend who's 21 And I have been dating for about a year And lately we've had this problem That I can't seem to solve The problem is that I pretty much always know And I want lots of tattoos all over my body Something he only recently found out about Now he absolutely hates the thought

Of me being quote covered in ink He says it's the worst fear of his And that he doesn't know whether he'll still Have feelings for me or not However, he always tells me that I should do What I want with my body And that is fine But he just cannot let this go

He thinks I'm ruining my body by quote Covering it up with tattoos He also says that he wishes I could Change my mind about tattoos Which I know I won't I already have three small tattoos That he loves by the way And I'm planning to get more as soon as

I don't want to refrain from Sorry, I'm planning to get more As I don't want to refrain from getting them Just because of what he thinks I need your help because I have no clue what to do I feel like our relationship is an expiration date The day I have quote too many tattoos But neither of us want to break up with the other

Is it worth staying with him? Do you think he'll change his mind? I don't want to choose between him or my tattoos Can't I have both? It's worth noting that he also has a tattoo And wants more Please help Love Kringle

This is Kringle Yeah, this guy likes some tattoos Just not a grip ton Yeah, well Too bad for him I guess? Good, you don't have to get them on your body That's fine So do you think there's a relationship

As an expiration date? The day she gets too many tattoo Tattoos? Tattoos Mike Tattoos Maybe, I mean maybe But I just think that that is on the dude You should do what you want with your body

Just as he says to you But what if she doesn't want to get it Because she's afraid that he will break up with her Fuck him dude, you should get it because you want it And then at a certain point If you're completely covered in ink And he breaks up with you Then fine, you know

Maybe you can't have both things So maybe you do have to choose I don't think that you have to choose right now Because you're not covered with tattoos And he is just Just dislikes the idea We have to do what you want And then see if he doesn't like the reality

It's like if your lover wanted to get A bunch of face tattoos And you'd be like, I don't want you to do that I don't know, would you stay with someone Who had like a blackface tattoo? I mean definitely not a blackface tattoo I wouldn't be dating somebody in the first place That would do that

What if she wanted to just get tic-tac-toe games All over her face and skull After shaving her head I mean I can't tell her not to Exactly All you can do is set up Your Like your line

So if you get A tattoo of a tic-tac-toe game On your forehead, I would have to break up with you I won't stop you from doing that But if you, I'm not going to be the X's Or the O's, I'm not playing the game You'll be my X And oh baby

Will it be sad Alright, how about this You can basically draw a line Down the middle of your body Tattoos on the right Clean body on the left Tatoo You get a tattoo?

How's that for drawing the line? I guess bad because That's sort of like the worst of everything Half of your body is a lot It's basically covering your body Yeah It's like a still weird thing that you did Like why not just cover your whole body in tattoos

And then like a line down the People will definitely do that And then what is the line? Like also a tattoo Because I can't have to be a tattoo So it'd have to be kind of on the tattoo side Tatoo Mate So do what you want

But is it okay if what she wants is not to get tattoos Because she doesn't want to lose this man Yeah, then like that's still the choice that you make That's right And it's okay to choose him, your lover Over you, your body What if you end up being married And have a whole family then you'll value that

Over having tattoos anyway Maybe but then you could also have Love a love life and a marriage And a whole family with somebody who loves you And your love for tattoos and your tattoos That are covering your body These are all the things that you have to consider When you decide if you want to have tattoos

This is going to be a stupid question The choice is yours, you don't get to choose That's right, it's ultimately your decision to make This is going to sound dumb I'm going out on a limb And I know you're going to think this is a dumb question Obviously, right? It's going to be stupid

I'm lowering your expectation Putting the bar all the way down to the ground You're often foolish and bad This is going to be a really stupid question If you have tattoos And you then give birth to a baby The baby And I almost don't even want to ask this question

I feel like I can get there I feel like I can get there Because the baby is born with it No, no, no Are you asking When you ask it so obviously The answer and I want to know what it is But I feel like I already know it

If you feel like you already know it And you were definitely apprehensive About asking the question I'm not afraid to ask a question Because I know there are no bad questions You're tiptoeing around it and you didn't ask it And you're also making a real meal of it So I want you

I'm not afraid of somebody's at home listening And they don't know the answer I'm not afraid to be that martyr for them To not know So I'd like to just address the elephant in the room here That is a stupid question That's a really dumb question As I said as such

So your words mean Shit to me I'm not getting mad at that Because I actually came ahead of it I came ahead of the curve to make you look like a fucking moron What's the answer You're cursing it It's yes

Oh Yes So you know it's a stupid question You know it's stupid Because of how dumb it is Because obviously the answer is Is why it's so stupid Because there's an obvious answer

And you Sorry the answer Yes they don't have tattoos Is what I meant to say That's not what you meant to say Tell me what the fuck the answer They don't come out with tattoos Right that's what I was saying

A tattoo is a drawing on your skin Yeah it's not like a genetic fucking Can you imagine thinking like Okay so what if I Can I imagine you did think that If I have a scar on my hand the kid's not gonna have one right I don't know Why don't you tell me

Because scar is different right Like if I have red hair I might have a redheaded kid Yeah that's genetics Right And scars are they genetic Are you born with a scar That's what I'm saying like This is like what I think is pretty interesting about

It's not interesting it's another stupid question Alright Tis the season tis the season I'm guilty You caught me you crucified me It is Jesus's birthday today I should say real quick so happy birthday to the big one in the sky Hey man how old are you now

How old are you now How old are you Jesus How old are you now So aid or um Yeah like AD Right like there's before Christ and after death right Before now they say BC

Before current era and after current era But it's all about like when Jesus came So Year is 2018 Correct That's basically 2018 years After Jesus walked the earth But is it 2018 years after he died

Or 2018 years after he was born Because he died at 33 So was Jesus living in like 33 but it wasn't 33 AD Or it couldn't have been like 30 AD Because it's after death And I seem to recall that like Well it's not after death

It's like some Latin word After death But I also remember seeing like Jesus was actually born at 4 AD Or something weird like that Interesting We'll look it up during the break We'll come back and we'll educate all you idiots out there That actually don't know the answer to this

Pretty obvious riddle Which is when babies were born with tattoos Alright we'll be back after this My question is smart fucker Thanks for the sponsors Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast The entire Head Gum Network

Jake, wow That's correct I mean this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is Yeah Not just Father's Day but for any Not so tech savvy family member That you need a gift for soon

These digital photo frames Might be the best of all time For me personally These things are perfect I'll tell you why My first child We got one for Jill's parents We got one for Jill's grandma

Holy smokes We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys In our family right now They're great, really easy way To stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents

Kitchen, it's really nice That's cool, so you take a photo of anything Perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo Yeah, frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant We got her the aura frame We plugged it in

Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice asshole This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit Like this is how I told my grandma She was pregnant She misheard it or something like that

Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame Holy smokes And we let her know with an aura

Thank you The aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device Anywhere and invite the whole family in On the fun through the aura app Add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool Like your banana or your dog

Alongside pictures of my daughter Yeah, exactly You can even preload photos And add a personal video message that will display As soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame Yeah, it's a great gift A really, really iconic gift And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift

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And we're back! Our unsolicited advice is the slight bit Of research we did during the break Alright, here we go, ready? BC stands for Before Christ But AD is a Latin phrase Anno Domini Which means in the year of our Lord

The year Jesus was born That being said, he was actually born Between 6 and 4 BC And Jesus began preaching Around AD 27 to 29 Was there a year zero? No, there was not Whether applied to the Julian

Calendars, AD 1 Is preceded by 1 BC There is no year zero Got it? Not really Not really at all But I don't think this stuff existed when it was going on So nobody was like

Oh, when were you born, BC 2 Oh, so you must be 4 because it's BC AD 2 now Yeah, there were thousands of years later And they reverse engineered the calendar At what point were they like Okay, guys A few years ago It was actually year one

Straight up, I'm telling you I know we think it's What up 4950 in the Gregorian calendar But I'm going to go, I'm going to flip the script And say, it's, yeah We're in 28 So this has, according to the internet

Which I absolutely agree is Gospel fact The original goal of the Gregorian calendar Was to change the date of Easter In 1582 European Here to the Julian calendar First implemented by Julius Caesar

In 46 BC So that's really confusing because if there was already a calendar In 46 BC Were they counting down to Jesus' arrival Yeah, they're counting down, that's fucking bizarre I There's absolutely no clarity Just more stupidity

I understand less than I did before But you know what, this is kind of nice Sometimes you find the answer And sometimes you find so much information That you just like You back out of the room You walk into a room, you see a lot of confusing shit You're like, never mind

So I actually don't care anymore Sometimes you stop giving a shit How's that for being a good student Actually the joke's on you teacher I don't have to understand algebra I actually just have to stop caring Yeah, I wash my hands of this And I think I'll be fine

Regardless of how I do on this exam Is it? Meanwhile after this podcast You're going to read for about an hour About the Gregorian calendar I want to know about time This seems like something Streeter would know about That's true

We should have him on the show and just discuss calendars That would be awesome Hey Streeter, I know you're busy at SNL And raising a brand new baby What's the deal with the fucking calendar? Actually I do know that July and August were added later By September, which should be 7 Is the 9th month, October which should be 10

Or 8 is the 10th month And then November should be 9 And it's the 11th, so all the months are 2 months off Because Julius and Augustus Caesar Just wedged their months in between And made July and August That's an understandable time fact Why did they do that?

Because it's cool to have a month It's not cool to have a name or an empire How about a fucking month Your birthday is my name It just seems like There's no more November It is now August Instead he just wedged it in

We're making a brand new month I'm not stepping on anyone's toes here How rich would you have to be to rename a month At this point Just like a branded month I was born on a mirror The fucking first First of a mirror

So my months actually exist from the 15th through the 15th So January 15th February 15th is Amir So my birthday Technically This whole thing's so fucking dumb But it's Amir 3 Like what is that?

Anyway I think this bumble date's going fine And you haven't touched your entree You haven't touched your entree Just Fingering her beef wellington I'm two knuckles deep in the soft meat Are you gonna eat this pea? We're going Dutch by the way

What's gravy made of? Oh shit I'm sorry about that I spilled my rosé No way rosé We should also remind people About our Patreon We're still making videos

Jake and Amir watch videos Plus a bonus version of If I Were You Every Thursday On patreon.com And she's incredibly close to releasing My Speech at your wedding If you can't get enough of us Patreon content is

A good gift What about a last minute gift idea Because it's like Christmas like shit I haven't gotten this person anything I signed up for the Patreon for you That's a gift that you might have For someone that you might have completely Forgotten about until now I also think we're rolling out the second iteration

Of Jake and Amir watch Jake and Amir Which we filmed after we got feedback So the cameras are better The chairs are different We are pausing more That's right everything that you wanted So if you haven't subscribed You get to go in

And watch the new and improved Based on the first draft of notes Enjoy the videos Alright let's answer some more questions Here's a question From Hanukkah Harry Very good But Hanukkah's already over

Okay so we're going all Christmas All the time This question's from Rudolph And you can fucking fight me If you want it to be from any other Jew in your life Blitzen's actually a quarter Jewish No he's fucking not Not too shabby

Blitzen's a seventh day adventist What's up Jake and Amir I'm a long time listener, first time writer 18 year old college student from Cincinnati With some big old butterflies in my stomach I'm dating a 19 year old neighbor We've been together for about four months now I've known her since I was 13

She's my best friend and she's all I ever wanted Things are going great But yes there's always a but We are going away for the weekend to a remote cabin And having our own little Christmas She wants to have a ton of sex And even wants to make me breakfast And nothing but her underwear

I'm super excited but I'm nervous We are spending the whole weekend together by ourselves I'm afraid things won't be the same After our trip Are you ready for us to spend the weekend just the two of us? How long would you guys wait until you spent The weekend with your significant other How should I act?

Is there any advice for my two favorite Jews That you can bestow upon me? Thank you. P.S. Hard one does not need Minor illusion That's what's up bro What's minor illusion? Nothing You wouldn't get it

The D&D podcast a few weeks ago Came down to a literal dick measuring contest And So I think we were trying to convince a bunch of Dwarves to trust us Or something And I was in an argument with this dwarf

And We were each going to whip out our dicks And Murph had us Roll to see who had a bigger dick And And I rolled The D20 But before I even did that

My spells character casted minor illusion To make my dick look big But I rolled really well So you didn't need the minor illusion I didn't need it but because it happened I feel like Yeah It was

It undercut Yeah it's like you don't have to You don't have to lie Like no don't cast any spells I'm showing it in my real log One Anyway This guy doesn't seem like that

I had luck points I would have used one Anyway This guy is a sweet sweet little moron He's an 18 year old He doesn't have anything to worry about But he's nervous nonetheless You're about to have the best weekend of your fucking life A remote cabin

Over Christmas where you have a ton of sex And somebody cooks for you in their underwear Just go Just try to fucking enjoy it Okay Not everything has to have a butt Not everything has to be bad in some way This sounds good but how could it be negative

For me For dead today in a cabin fire Outside of Cincinnati Ohio Just be happy Go fuck the weekend away It does remind me of when you're 18 years old You have no perspective On the parameters of what's normal

What's weird, what's uncomfortable, what's fine So at 18 years old You're taking the first trip, is it too early And all that stuff But odds are nothing bad will happen to you Nothing bad will happen When somebody cooks for you In their undies

Slash sexes you a lot It's too early to take a trip When you feel like You're not ready for the trip But you are really excited You like this person a lot You want to go on the trip You don't need to be like

For two months before we take a trip Just go when you want Do you remember your first trip with your first woman Yeah I guess My first like Solo trip where I went away with somebody Yeah, I do

Which was when, how old were you I believe I was, I think I was 20 Yeah, I was 20 years old And we went To Cape May, New Jersey For like the weekend

And it was the worst weekend Of fucking life Run, run, get out Now all you still can Was it a roughly the four month mark No, I think, I guess I guess technically I like visited this person

At college And like, she had visited me in New York For like mini trips Like when you visit someone at their College and then take a trip within that trip Yeah, so I guess we had done that That's probably like my first trip Was like visiting people at college

But I don't think that really counts That's definitely not the same vibe as what this is Yeah, this is a three day date Yeah, which is why I think The trip trip I think my first one was Cape May What about you I did like a same like trip

From college because my first Girlfriend didn't go to my school So I would like drive to visit her And then we would drive somewhere else Because she was in dorm Motel 6 Outside of Oxnard, California We spent three

Sorrowful weeks Failing out of school with one another Three sorrowful weeks Yeah, we'd go to like Solving or Pump Springs Beginning of week two where you're sorrowful of sorrow Sorrow, yeah It's just like the kind of The cottage cheese ceilings

That used to pop your balloons as a kid I think they call it popcorn ceilings Yeah, popcorn ceiling on the roof Of a dingy motel I could see why there was a lot of sorrow And that's all we ate too It's cottage cheese Congratulations

But you got a good thing going You're doing great One last question This one comes from another lady In the Christmas universe That we'll call Rudolph In a wig

That's right Rudolph a female reindeer Some of the reindeers have to be female Was that true? Donner? Or dancer or prancer Actually reindeer is a male It's a male deer And bucks are the female

That's not true Bucks are definitely the male We're stupid in this episode I don't know if there can be a male And female reindeer But we'll call her Donner Long time listener, first time Donner Here's the deal

I just found out that my ex that I hate so much Because he dumped me not once But twice The first time a communal table At a coffee shop and the second time Two days after meeting my dad Which he asked to do I'm an idiot for having gotten back together

With him but that's not the issue The problem is that I just found out That he gave me HPV It's not one of the serious cancer causing strains And it will go away within a year on its own But I'm still mad that he gave it to me I hate him a lot and I never want to talk to him again So I have to

Do I have to reach out to him and let him know about the status Of his dirty dick Much love P.S. we dated for six months and I haven't spoken since the breakup With me and I called him something to the effect Of a waste of time and space So it ended in a nasty way And now she has a disease

And she's like do I have to let him know He's got the disease I don't think I know enough about HPV To give advice on it Well if she says it's a non-serious cancer causing strain And we'll take that at face value Do you have to let your ex know About his dirty dick

Yeah I just don't know Do you owe it to that boy Yeah I guess I always thought That HPV was like something that guys Would be carriers for and like not necessarily catch I've heard that too So like it doesn't, I just don't know if it means That he has a dirty dick

But it can also mean that he can give it to somebody else Right So do you still tell him I guess if you dislike him it'll probably make him pretty sad So go for it Oh you can say by the way you gave me HPV You dirty dicked asshole Just letting you know you gave me HPV

So you do it in a polite way That's cool Because the information is salty enough So you can almost be polite about it By the way hope you're doing well You gave me HPV Enjoy the holidays I don't think you have to be like polite or

Don her out I think you just be like dry with it Like this is information that I think you should have BTdubs BTdubs is too casual BTdubs is almost like A little too like I'm being flippant about it on purpose

But I don't know if you want to do Like the hey hope you're well Hey just wanted to let you know You gave me HPV FYI as a heads up FYI too cash FYI as a heads up As you start dating

In the future He did cheat on her Oh no sorry He dumped her not once but twice Once at a coffee shop and once two days after meeting the dad I don't know about the cheating He just dumped her twice I'm not 100% sure that this guy is

So much of an asshole That you deserve to be mean about the HPV Dumping at a coffee shop sounds fine That's like almost where you should do it You're supposed to meet at like Newtown Does a man deserve to know That he gave a woman HPV Is it nice to say

Is it mean to say Is it nice to keep a secret It's necessary to say Precautionary steps to not do it to anybody else It's that information going forward It's going to affect his next lovers And it'll make him a little sad So there's that bonus for you

But I think I've changed my answer to tell him politely Because I don't I think him breaking up with you twice Isn't great but Neither is Going back out with him It's really being nice to his next partner So you want to be nice to a stranger

It's considered a good deed to tell him Because he now it's on him To say the next for the person And ain't that in the Christmas spirit Tis the season everyone Alright that's it We're out of time, thanks for listening Enjoy the holidays I guess

Have fun with your families this week And we'll be back next week Oh my god next week's episode will be a New Year's Eve episode Whoa Why are all the holidays this way Why are all these holidays so back to back Like we spend all year and there's like a few holidays And it's like Thanksgiving, New Year's, Christmas

All within five weeks of each other And Hanukkah And don't forget about Hanukkah And Kwanzaa I'm saying Thanksgiving should be in July Christmas could be in December They're all arbitrary Yeah time is just a construct

Personally I was born on a mere the third So I feel like I have a pretty good leg up On the Gregorian Or Bloominfeldian calendar at this point I don't think she wants dessert but I'll have A peek at the menu What do you have that's gluten and dairy free Opening theme song again

Was written by Rob Your evil twin, this closing one is written by Nick Wheeler Thanks to everybody that's written in Over the Holiday season and before The email address for everything is if I were you Show at gmail.com We'll be back next week

Bye bye Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah If I were you Kill myself in the Starbucks

No condom that's no fucks Patreon that start up Got a six that's bigger than hard one Buy my mama's cookies Buy my mama cookies I'm still looking like a backpack Thank you girl I'm a classy looking What advice you got

Fuck I got a problem now I'm trying to shoot some fucking Coz Bloominfeld hold it down If I were you If I were you That's awesome That motto follow that's what I would do Yeah

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

Bitch