If I Were You - 363: New Years Eve

Episode Date: December 31, 2018

In this episode we discuss our cars, our holidays, and our New Years resolutions. Happy 2019, everybody!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Okay. If I were a Jew Pudnos Pudnos, just what I should do Advice from two fools Yeah, I just don't know if I should trust these lying Jews But they've helped me before

And I need help some more I need to know what to do I need to know what to do Oh, if I were a Jew Show, yeah Whoa If I were a Jew show, very nice It's funny, he said his name is Martin

But then he said, my name is Martin I'm not anti-Semitic, I just like the show Shout out to the helmet boy, the little fucker So shout out to the helmet boy, I guess He's out of kind of like a Scandinavian Mumford and son Yeah, I think he was trying to do like Queen Like Freddie Mercury, I want to break free Style, if I were a Jew

Style So it was like a parody of a satire of an anti-Semitic rant And I loved the hell out of it Yeah How was, I should say we're recording this It's Sunday, December 30th We're just going to record and upload this shit New Year's Eve tomorrow

New Year's Eve Eve, Adam's Eve The penultimate New Year I haven't seen you since you drove across the country Then went up, state, went to Connecticut Basically two weeks of constant moving Was it insane, was it fun, was it easy Was there any funny story that happened Were you mugged, were you robbed

Did you run out of gas in a funny way It was pretty insane, I would say I guess like immediately The first 20 minutes into our road trip It became very clear that the suspension of my car Was dangerously bad You never want to find something out One step into a marathon

Yeah, so and I like got my car tuned up There was a problem with the starter There was, the brakes were real worn I got it like a full tune up And I went to the mechanic and I was like I'm just, this is when I was picking it up I'm just trying to get it to drive across the country He's like, you're doing what

I'm just trying to get it to do the hardest thing a car can do Just get me to the point where I can do the hardest thing That the car can do He's like, you're driving it how far Like about 3,000 miles And he literally said, oh shit Oh shit, that's really far Oh shit, 300 miles

No, no, no, 3,000 miles Oh no And I told him, he was like I didn't not tell this to Jill But he was, I was like, what are the odds What are the chances I can get across the country And he was like 50-50 Wow, that's not bad actually

So that was, so we're driving, weeping LA And the car is like, it's wobbling Almost like a, like a rowboat, a drift in the ocean And it's like one of those things where like Is the street fine? You really just hope it's the street Yeah, I was really hoping it was the street But it was so very flat And we were like rocking back and forth

Like we were getting hit by waves So I don't know anything about cars What is suspensions? I mean, I don't know anything about it really either But I think the idea is, it's kind of like When you go over bumps, the suspension is supposed to Cradle your car in a way that like Allows like the wheels to go over bumps

Without you really feeling it That's right, like a steady cam Yeah Exactly So I didn't have that Every time we went over a pebble It felt like we were going to be thrown from the truck And end up in a ditch

We felt every bump Instead of like a spring in your step Your legs were stiff the entire time So every time there was a slight uptick You felt it through the car, up your ass Into your spine Correct him on your arm Into your jaw

White knuckling across Kansas Which is really supposed to be just like Put a brick on the gas and you can go It's straight But I was constantly afraid That we were going to get knocked off the road Which, and Jill's like a good driver But she's never driven a car that was as old or bad as mine

Yeah, a boat of a car So I drove literally the entire time It was a bad car Yeah, it was a bad car I mean, it was a great car I love my car so much My car did an incredible job All things considered

I was a bad guy for making my car do that Yeah I don't play in the car The car is great You basically hopped on your great uncle and you said Let's run a 10K Go on, Morty Yeah, Morty

It's just Marty and drag The other thing, like when we were So we had to, part of our road trip was Over the Colorado Rockies And I had my, like I had my foot was cramping Because I was giving it so much gas Trying to get it over the mountain

And it was topping out at like 42 Yeah, slower than, isn't there like a speed limit But in the opposite direction The minimum was 40 It was 40 A speed minimum I was barely going the minimum It really felt like at any moment

I could just start rolling back down Was it ever a point where you're like This is not worth the stress Let's just park the car, kill it And take a flight or something No, it was always It was always gonna, it was always alright But there were times when I was like

Our ETA says we're gonna be getting here At 730 But like I know it's gonna be closer to 8 Because I have to drive 5 miles per hour slower Than the speed limit Which is what the traffic estimate is based on Yeah, there should be like a ways thing that says Like actually I'm going 42

Not 65 So adjust the ETA accordingly Piece of shit car ways And then you get to the other side of the country And you sort of, you get to a pier You look into the water and then you nod And you put the cinder block on the gas pedal And just send it into the ocean, right?

That's like the final, the Viking funeral for your car I gave my car a Viking funeral I lit it a flame and I drove it off a pier in New York All your stuff still in it Shit, shit, shit Fuck, actually 9-1-1 Somebody did something fucking so stupid to my car I'm gonna blow out the fire

I had a similar but less high stakes version of that story When my car was being tuned up The other day basically I took it in because, you know The wrench light turns on like 5,000 miles ago And I'm like, I'm sure it's fine Nothing's that bad with a car It still feels fine

I'm leasing like a 2017 So like how bad can something be You had the check engine light on for 5,000 miles Yeah, it wasn't check engine It was a wrench Which seemingly was just like general maintenance Got it, like it's due for a Yeah, an oil or a tire or something or other

And also like the tire pressure light is on For several thousand miles I ignore these little warning signs Like a stubborn man just like Whatever, it's fine The car can still move So I take it in because I get these I get these coupons in the mail

That's like $30 off Your oil change or $20 off a tire alignment Again, I don't know what these things are Cabin filter, whatever So I bring it into the dealership And I'm like basically Yeah, do whatever it needs I don't know, it's been 15,000 miles

Does it need an oil change? Does it need this? And they're like, yeah We'll give it an oil change for sure And then we'll take a look at it And let you know if you need anything else I'm like, okay, great I'll be back in an hour

I come back in an hour and he says He's crying Yeah We tried to fucking save her It wouldn't take We had to bike a funeral, the bitch Man How?

He's like So there was a nail in a tire The tire failed the alignment test You need to change your cabin filter And the air filter is also bad Do you want to change the stuff? And I'm like, how much is that? Because I was like

I knew the oil change was 79 Down to like 49 He's like, that's another $180 I'm like, okay How do I know that stuff actually happened? He's like, I mean, I can show you the paperwork He shows me the paperwork It's just numbers on a piece of paper

I don't understand any of it My friend was texting me He's like, try to like haggle with him Try to like go shop around I'm like, I don't want to do any of this stuff Sure, fine You can do whatever you want to the car I gave him another like $230

And then left I don't know what they did How they did it Whether I can do it online for free Yeah I don't know that shit either That like every time I go to I always get my oil changed at like Jiffy Lube

Or Valveline or one of those things And they like pull out a filter Like my air filter And they're like, this is what it looks like You want a new one I don't know Maybe they're Maybe that

It's next to the engine So maybe that gets instantly dirty And you're just counting on me being stupid And being like, yeah, that looks brown I want the clean one It's basically a stupidity tax I have to pay for not doing any homework You know, man, I'm a comedy writer

Sure Change the cabin filter, I guess Because I don't want to stand here in Wikipedia What a cabin filter does And how to change it I don't have the time Here's $5,000 I'm going to bring my car in every year

Till I die And I don't want to think about this anymore You're really emasculating me Keep the car I'm going to do Uber Fuck Shit All right

Enough catching up about our shitty ass cars Although you're going to keep your car, right? Yeah, I'm going to keep my car Yeah, I'm going to keep it I'm going to keep it I went back and forth But she got me all the way to New York I kissed the hood of my car

And I realized I love it Everything at this point is just gravy, right? Like, you can't ever expect it to do anything If it dies, it's like, you're not surprised You're happy at this point Yeah, she led a good life, a great life That was her second trip Driving across the country

Her third trip across the country When she did on the back of a truck Would you get a new car Or would you just go until this one dies? I don't think I would I think I'll go until this one dies But I guess I'll like I don't know, I can't

I wonder if it dies on the side of the road And then I give up Or is it like, you know, I check How much the suspension is to fix And it's $2,000 And I'm like, that's pretty stupid Maybe I should fix that Yeah, at this point everything totals it

Because a car being totaled Is just more than it'll cost to fix Like, there's the value of the car So if you even just like hit a flat tire It's technically totaled Yes, and I mean, the engine is bad I'm having the same problem with like, my dad Like, I don't know if I should just like

Continue keeping him alive at this point Or like, because he's like, he's fine He's healthy, but he like got a cough And I'm like, should I just fucking Push this old bastard into the ocean? That's not the same problem Well, I went to do it and he beat me up He kicked my ass

Okay, so that's even sadder I guess, because it's like He abuses you, but also you're so weak That he can do that He's weakened me He's weakened me, yeah And you want him to die Alright, let's get to the questions

You guys, podcasts after all Yep, yep If I were you, last episode of 2018, let's finish with a bang Yep This one is from a guy Who's taking a train From LA to Portland

So we'll call him Marty Very cool Marty writes Dear Jacob Amir So for the holidays, my family decided to meet me On the west coast for Christmas And even went so far as to buy me a train ticket I have never been on a train

So they told me to take They told me to take a goddamn It'll take a goddamn day and I have to get to Oregon I nearly lost my shit I only live in the high desert East of LA How is this fair to me? Anyways, back to the situation

Every time I travel, I make it fun By doing weird random things For an example, when I fly I usually pretend I don't know English After I get their security Well, on this train I decided To switch it up by being overly social And talking to everybody

More than a comfortable amount I ended up chatting with this woman For most of the ride as I was going to Oregon And she was heading to Washington I made a backstory trying to keep it believable Oh dear Oh god, I'm melting I made a backstory

You gotta change your air filter, dude Trying to keep it believable But also a little unique Because I thought it was a funny thing to do Mostly, I lied about just Serving parole and how I was in prison A few years ago I'm 25 now

I also lied about what I do for work As I am in school and my actual job Is laying this shit When it was time for me to get off the train She gave me her number and told me to call her When I went back to California What should I do? Should I tell this woman I did a non-stop bit

For the day? Should I just ghost this bee? Or should I keep this fake life going Limit your advice to these options Please do give real advice Thanks, love, Marty That actually does sound like something Marty would do

Just a nice good old fashioned Bit between you and an unsuspecting other Yeah It's not really a bit when it's just a lie Right? I've done a bit just for yourself Yeah, a bit takes two people Going back and forth playing a game

She was getting to know somebody And you were being a liar Why don't you If you keep this bit up for the rest of your life It's not a bit The bit then becomes who you used to be Your previous life The ultimate bit

Bit becomes life I was just joking, joking, joking And now it's been a year, four years, eight years And this is me now I have a family, bit is not over And I'm dead That's the theory about Tupac He was like

He was an actor And he like Did He was doing rap almost as like a role As an actor Oh really? So you're telling me Tupac's Rap career was a bit? I don't know if I believe it

But I do know that that's a thing That's really cool. Isn't Drake kind of doing a bit too? Like he grew up to be He grew up as like a comedy actor And then he's like I want to try to be a rapper His character in Degrassi White wanted to be a Rapper

And then he did what his character In Degrassi wanted I think the realest Drake is the Degrassi guy Yeah I remember meeting somebody who like Happened to go to elementary school or high school with Drake And she was like yeah Drake was like You know like kind of like this wannabe

Rapper who just kept it going And now is the number one rapper in the world But like if he ever runs into like an old high Schooler of his then they just don't Respect him anymore That's really I don't even know if it's that interesting or funny It's just Drake

That's why he's Drake And you're not Anyway what should this guy do? Stop the bit Keep it going or ghost the beat I guess I would ghost I probably would never Meet up with this person again I don't think you'd get out of it

I don't think you'd be like oh yeah I was being Devil the entire way to Portland When you thought you got to know somebody That was wrong Or if you are gonna meet up with her What you do is gradually admit To the stuff over time So it's not like the whole thing was

Alive it's like I'm down to meet up Just so we're 100% clear I didn't really Go to jail And then like two months later that's not really my Job and then four months after That like I don't actually serve Parole and by the Time all the lives have been debunked

She likes the real you It's a cross-dissolved bit ending And also or like The real me is A guy that does these Classic bits So next time we're on a train I might be

A vagabond Going to work in an Oil field in Eastern Washington Or you say okay We can meet you and meet up And then we can meet my family But when we meet my family I'm gonna do a bit

And that bit's gonna be that I'm like A fucking student And I tricked your ass into meeting them They're gonna believe it Yeah you do like Machine gun fire bits She doesn't know who the real person is anymore Yeah you're just constantly switching back and forth

To the point where you don't even understand Who you are anymore That the realist you is just a bit Not only you've changed your name And identity you don't remember who you are That seems like The plot to a Mildly interesting movie

A guy who leads a double life to the point where he's Lied to himself And now he doesn't remember who he actually is Oh that's pretty cool It's called Catch me if you can't Yeah that's good Liar liar liar

So it's three liars he's lying to himself It's not a lie if you believe it It's like basically the George Costanza thing Where it's like if you genuinely believe you're a different person You are And then he gradually does become that different person We don't know who to believe because he doesn't know who to believe Write this down

Why we're recording it Oh sorry I got an assistant in the last couple weeks Write that down Edgar Yeah Edgar's four And he's That's a child laborer He's getting pre-k credit

For what? He doesn't have to do shapes Where are his parents? His parents keep Fucking calling me They miss their son Yeah they miss Edgar They do and I get that

Because he's incredibly affordable Well it sounds like You have him working for you For pre-k credit which is a real thing People say like having a child Is expensive like Edgar's saving me cash I'm so surprised you taught him to write So he's like

He's like sort of like Court stenography He has audio notes mostly He has an iPad with a really thick pink case That's not very That's not very tasteful Edgar It's like thick Thick and plastic case

So that he doesn't like get sauce on it Right does he get Sauce on a lot of things Edgar's a messy little fucker But I love him nonetheless I don't think you should swear Oh yeah earmuffs Edgar Hold on his dad is calling me

You said earmuffs so late Hello I don't understand Edgar's dad speaks Hebrew? No he doesn't I pretend that I'm like An Israeli foreigner whenever he calls Like I can't quite understand what he's saying You're the man Blumenfeld

Wait till you hear my New Year's resolutions Let's do more fucking bits like this Um alright we got some more questions But let's take a break right now we'll be back For more Q's and A's after This words Thank you to Aura Frames For sponsoring this headgum podcast

You know Aura Frames is sponsoring Not just this episode but the entire Headgum network Jake Wow that's correct I mean this might be the goat father's Day gift I think it actually Is Yeah not just Father's Day but if for any

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Like stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents Kitchen it's really nice Oh that's cool so you take a photo of anything Perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital Photo frame This is actually how we told

Jill's grandma she was pregnant We got her the Aura frame We plugged it in Really nice asshole This was actually a really sweet moment For me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke Of it Just being goofy a little bit like

This is how I told my grandma She was pregnant yeah kind of like She misheard it or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way By the way Jill's grandma is pregnant Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool and you told me with a digital photo frame

Holy smokes I don't know with an Aura Thank you The Aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos From any device anywhere and invite the whole family In on the fun through the Aura app Admit to your Aura app

I'd love to upload just a picture of me Like at a pool or something that could be funny Like your banana or your dog Alongside pictures of my daughter Yeah exactly You can even preload photos And add a personal video message As soon as your dad or anybody connects

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BetterHelpHELP.com Slash if I were you Check him out, thanks BetterHelp And we're back Hey Jake do you have any Oh it's a lift dude Mom I'm coming Gross

You know what I Do and I think you should too Because we are going on tour We're finally hitting the road again What we're finally doing is talking about these shows Because they're almost sold out And we haven't mentioned them on the podcast yet Oh that's true

Yeah we sort of recorded before we left And then Promoted the shows on social media There's only like 45 tickets left for the New York show So we're announcing it now A little late and we apologize That March 7th in New York At Gramercy Theater March 9th

In DC Black Cat I believe it's called That's not where we did the last time We've done Gramercy we haven't done that Black Cat the DC venue Yeah but we've done Gramercy as part of a college humor Show we've never done it on our own A solo dolo show

Yeah we have Natto This could be like our first shows in a year Yeah that's crazy the last show that we did Like in Amsterdam? It must be Edgar do you have my schedule? Edgar give him a break Give him a snack let him watch a movie

He's eating a plum He's eating a plum and he's watching a cartoon That's adorable I guess it's been a 12 hour day So I feel for the kid Jesus The tickets are available for both of those shows At jacadamere.com

Again not a lot of tickets left for the New York show We're gonna sell that one out very soon Grab them while they're hot Where do people do that? Jacadamere.com Yes put some links there Do you have any New Year's resolutions? Yeah you know what

I had like four But I can't remember any of them Except for one that Which is to write shit down Which is to get myself an Edgar I want to learn how to lead climb You want a what how to who where? I want to learn how to lead

Climb Which is what? I used to climb together I still climb But I do bouldering Which you know Bouldering is no ropes You got the pads

You can top out or climb down That's right you don't go very high And then there's top rope Those are gyms where you're on a rope You climb up, let go You get belayed down Lead climbing is kind of like top rope But you go up with the rope

It's not secure to anything You secure it as you climb Jesus Christus It's all the fear of bouldering It's like a little Fearful mixture But I like sport climbing I like climbing outside with ropes

And lead climbing Is kind of the way to learn how to do that And you can do it outside? I would like to To learn to lead climb and to do a sport climbing trip Outside Mine's going to sound Nasty by comparison

I guess that makes sense Considering you have a four year old indentured Yeah Anyone want to kill your dad I wanted to do those To read To read less Read less

I feel like I'm so bogged down Into this twitter And the instagram And I'm freaking obsessed with social media That's good So you want to get off social media I want to do more of that Just because it's fun to be plugged in

And online But what really gets in the way Is this nagging feeling that I should be reading Books and magazines and shit like that And that's that shit I don't like I don't read it dad You don't read it So you don't have to say you're going to read less

Because you already don't When I'm watching tv And obviously I want to do that I want to read more like that If it's like a basketball game To read the score But I don't want to do I don't want to like better myself

Why are you getting mad at me You're discussing your resolution But you're shouting it at me Edgar is also starting to Not disapproving I feel like you're a bad influence on Edgar Me? I really think you and Edgar are teaming up against me

My nearest resolution I hesitate I hesitate to even say it now Because I'm feeling a little bit on edge And like you guys are attacking me For the ones that I have already I am a little bit So like definitely actually

I would advise you to tread lightly I was going to punch either you or Edgar As hard as I could at one point this year That's not a resolution, that's a threat Okay And making it against Edgar is actually Alright Edgar's all crying

And you probably are too Oh my god, this is so fucked up No, I'm crying You are crying, you're the only one I don't even think Edgar's crying I'd wager Edgar's not afraid of you at all Ah! He kicked me in the frickin' shin Get him Edgar

Get him Alright Let's try to answer some more questions We only did one so far Here's one from a lady In college We'll call her Sarah Lawrence

Sarah Lawrence writes I've been binging your show for a year And I'm almost caught up, love what you're doing Anyway, I'm a 20 year old female in college And I've been hooking up with this guy For a month and things are going great Well, not that great

Because every time I sleep over at his place And wake up in the morning I have a sore throat With those dry eyes and a cough It took me a minute to recognize that He uses down pillows and a down blanket I'm incredibly allergic and I've always been So my question is Should I tell the guy that I'm spending the night at his place

Um, sorry Should I tell him that spending the night at his place Makes me physically sick Can I bring my own pillow? Help, what we have going on is pretty chill And it's starting to move on to something more serious Love, the girl who's not down With the down

Very good Very, very good What a sweet question It is a really sweet question, I can't believe She would even consider suffering through Not having a pillow Yeah, what do you say that you're constantly getting a cold Just to avoid him

Changing his pillow for you Yeah, he'll be happy to do that Yeah, or this is like a good test Because if he's not happy to do that Then he's a monster Right, this is a very, very reasonable request You say, I You know, you know, should you say

Can you change the pillow or should you say like Hey, I don't like That pillow, I'm gonna bring my own And then see if he says No, don't even worry about it I'll get you a new pillow Or should she say, hey I can't sleep over there Unless you change this shit

I think you would say Hey I don't like the pillow because then it sounds like You're high maintenance or something You say, hey I am allergic to your pillows And comforter So we either have We either have to sleep at my place

Did she say that she has a place Yeah, she has a place, he has a place Alright, so we have to sleep at my place Or I can Buy myself a pillow For your house So it's like

You need to change the pillows I'll pay for it You need to change your pillows, we have to sleep here Down is just like feathers, right? I think there's different kinds of down There's like, there's a synthetic Down and there's The authentic down

Yeah, but like a bag of feathers is basically What his pillow is It's not like necessarily real feathers It's like, it's faux feathers Foe-thers So tell the guy, but then additionally I think as a society Starting now, we should start giving

The word down A different name Like it's just a confusing name That it's also the material and also The opposite of up We can come up with something new It doesn't have to be called down Fluff

That's perfect You're allergic to fluff But now we have to change the name of the marshmallow spread Because we don't want it to be like this That could be marshmallow spread Yeah, but it should really have a name So we'll call the marshmallow spread Like you're stepping up

No, that's harder Don't write that down, Edgar Edgar, no! Erase it Edgar has a really cute small gun pointed at me Alright, next question This one's a bit of a doozy, so see if you can wrap your cock around it I'll be able to

Do we have another lady's name? Let's go college themed Vassar, an all-girl school But not really a name Vassar, Veronica Vassar Yeah Right, I'm a 24 year old girl And I need your guys help

One of my ex best friends catfished My boyfriend and tried to Get him to agree to cheat on me The catfishing friend Is a gay man Who was pretending to be a straight girl Disguised his number using an app And began texting my boyfriend

Trying to get him to agree to sleep with Quote unquote her Under the guise that she Used to know him My boyfriend declined the offer And ended up blocking the number After the catfisher sent nudes The catfisher then proceeded

To message our friend group behind my back Trying to tell everyone That my boyfriend was attempting to Cheat on me and then Messaged me the same thing My boyfriend and I were able to Expose the catfisher to my friend group And I immediately blocked

All ties with his catfish friend But here's the issue Two of our mutual best friends Both agreed that the catfisher And what he did was wrong But they refused to do anything about it And insist that their friendship With both of us continues as normal

The catfisher has not even attempted To apologize even though The incident happened a couple months ago Now my friend group continues To plan events and parties like We all used to and everyone invites everyone And acts like I'm the rude and distant one When I decline because I don't want to see

The catfisher. These two best friends Of mine have been my closest friends For the past 10 years and have always been Such kind and considerate friends That they insist what they're doing Right now is not abandoning anyone So I need some advice What would you do in my situation?

Should I turn my back on them and by extension The whole group and start anew Should I pretend that the catfisher isn't there And try to function as if nothing happened Or some other top tier plan that you fellows Come up with please help Thanks love Veronica Vassar Fuck that's hard

That's really hard Yeah this guy basically tried to Entrap your boyfriend and it Failed but he still like tried to Out him. You're like that's right He tried to hook up with me But it's still sort of winning On his end because he

He's gonna get to keep his friends And you might Not hang out with him anymore So he gets he's what that that's Wrong I think Two things one your friends are being Bad that's bad they're being bad Two though

What do you like If you turn your back and start anew That's like that is letting him win I feel like I feel like what you want To do is take a little ownership Over this thing and like Go to all the events be Confident hang around try

To make the catfisher feel uncomfortable Yeah you want to basically Get to a position Where he doesn't feel too comfortable But he seems like a crazy Guy that doesn't give a shit He fucking tried to entrap Your boyfriend failed and then it's like

Oh well alright on to the next at least I tried it's like whoa you shouldn't Have done that it's just really hard to Like leave a friend group entirely Like I'm my instinct I do want to just be Like hey fuck all these people they're all Fine but It's hard to find brand new friends

Yeah imagine you're in a friend group Before like you and the twin innovation Crew and one of them Really fucks over the other one And then they're like But do you Ever have the persons back so much That it's like what they did like if

Mike fucked over Dave so much that You no longer hang out with Mike Or you're always like hey Mike didn't do anything To me so I'm fine with it It would depend on what it was But if you I mean unless I don't know

I don't Think I could I don't know It's hard to take on someone's beef If they did nothing to you But just did something bad to a friend Especially if you're closer to the friend Yeah but then there's also Like this thing that he did was bad

But all incredibly creepy It's not just like Hey This guy cheated on My girlfriend or like You know something like kind of like a one Off thing stole some money Did something that was like a big no no

But you can like Get down to the root of it and figure out what was up Yeah He made this weird campaign Where he took on a fake identity And tried to like so discord among everybody That's right He tried to so discord

It's so batshit crazy That I mean I guess I'd Want to keep on hanging out with him just to get Just to keep my eye on him That's cool You act like that shit gets you off Or you just switch it around You try to do like some crazy maneuver

Because it's open seizing You have carte blanche access to fuck with him back This is war That's right Some sort of intervention, some sort of catfishing I vote you hang out and you're just like Confident like you belong in the friend group And this guy doesn't you know there's a party

You obviously show up with the boyfriend You say hey to everybody And then like you say hey to this The catfisher and you Ask like you know if the girl he Pretended to be was named Phoebe You say hey is Phoebe coming tonight That's good

And like move on into the next room So the best revenge is just pretending You don't give a shit about this guy He's not going to take your friends You're still going to be around with your friends And you can just make Snyder remarks at him That's what I would do

Living well is the best revenge As long as you can be kind of catty about it too I've never like lost a friend Due to like one epic thing Like a fight that splintered a friendship forever Have you ever like lost somebody Because of a thing like that Yeah in high school

I lost a friend Because of that There was like It was between it was over a girl Of course Of course I broke up a relationship And then chose to date the girl

Instead of trying to make amends with a friend And That was it Still to this day no contact Yeah but I mean it like It wasn't just that I think there was like other factors Like we were going to college

Different tracks in our life anyway Yeah it was already splintering So you just sort of kicked him further away Yeah I think now In my older In my older life I would I think I would try to work anything out with like My friends at this point

I've like You're chosen Yeah I've chosen the friends that I have Alright last question Yeah This one's from a 21 year old lady From the great white north So let's just choose

Classic British Columbian University Emily Carr University of Art and Design Emily Carr And that's not like anything I looked up Did Edgar pull that? Edgar sort of saw Where this whole day was going

And he like fed me that line He's really on top of his shit for a four Yeah definitely Yeah he's not four years old He's just a four out of ten I see he's an ugly six year old Yeah Alright

Emily Carr writes I've never been in a relationship And I've only had a few drunken hookups While I was solo traveling in Europe A couple weeks ago I decided that I was sick Of That I was sick of being a forever alone Ugo and went on a tinder date

To see if I could find a nice man Little to no surprise Looking for hookups and I wasn't very interested Until I got sick of it And gave in I'm talking to this guy Who at the time seemed understanding That I am not the most experienced

So he made plans to meet up He came over to my house And I started to panic I was racing around the house Moments before he knocked And once he came in I was a nervous mess I started to sweat So we just put on a movie and sat down

He would stop at any time If I wasn't feeling okay But clarified the fact that since He was driving 25 minutes to my house That he wasn't going to come over If we weren't gonna do anything So when he asked me if I wanted him to leave I felt bad and said no

We started to kiss So we went up to my room Things started to get heated And I was giving him a BJ My first ever sober BJ And I thought I was doing okay But he didn't have any comments in the past All of a sudden he says

Okay you can stop now I'm gonna see myself out And just walked out of my house I texted him after Asking him what happened And he said it was bad You were too nervous I'm not interested anymore

I felt like an actual piece of trash On the side of the highway I understand that maybe I wasn't the best But I can assure you that If he did was okay Would you ever walk out on a girl If she's not giving you that great of a BJ Should I continue in my quest

To find a good man that will treat me right Or are all men trash Thanks Sorry for the long email Emily Carr Good lord you take the first stab at that one That one makes me mad Well is anything he did good

Sorry is anything that he did fine I would say Next thing in saying I'm not coming over Unless we're gonna do something Is bad I mean that's awful Sign number one don't invite that guy over Screenshot that

Make that your new profile picture If you match with this guy Swipe left Stopping her in the middle Of a BJ and saying You can stop now I'm gonna see myself out Absolutely awful

Psychologically damaging Bad also Texting and saying Hey how was it and he says It was bad you were too nervous I'm not interested anymore Is that the worst of the three I would say the first one is the worst

Of the three because that That set the tone for the entire thing When she was nervous She felt too guilty Asking him to leave So she got herself Into a situation Based on his

On his like I don't know Framing of their hangout Where she didn't feel comfortable Saying no And then would you ever walk out On a girl if she's not giving you that Great of a BJ no that's a trash move

He's a trash man Do you think what he did was okay no But I wanted to answer this question right before 2019 Because this can be a good New Year's resolution It doesn't mean you should give up entirely Because not all men are trash No 80% that's A lot but it's not all

How do you avoid Trash like in the future Somebody sends you that text Maybe you say okay never mind I don't want you to come over with any expectations Don't come over never mind leave Yeah I think most men Are trash

But there are some That are so stupid that they let you know Trash really early This guy did He's in like the 50% so say 80% of men are bad I feel like 50% are like

Outwardly bad in a very noticeable way Oh that's a good New Year's resolution When somebody tells you that They're bad in a very outwardly noticeable way Cut them off right there If someone tells you they're a piece of shit believe them Yeah I think that's a famous quote Not with the piece of shit part but the other part

Somebody tells you who they are Believe them And it's a good New Year's resolution for Dudes not to be A piece of trash There's a small Glint of hope even in this guy Because he

I like to think that Maybe part of him Wasn't enjoying this BJ because he knew She was nervous and he said that But there's a way to say that Politely you know like You're not ready for this Or like I can tell you're not into it

Let's not push it Like that's good behavior But shaming also like Saying that and using it To shame her is awful Yeah not communicating that until She asks you all so bad So there's a sweet thing in here

If you mine away all the garbage Which was stopping her when You've realized she was very nervous And panicked before you got there But what you did and how you went about it Was bad You also did everything to make her Nervous so then you can't be like

This is awful you're nervous Was it the Ultimatum I texted on my way over That didn't help the situation Yeah fuck you piece of shit How about she sends us this guy's picture We'll put it up on our website That way we can sort of publicly out

Slash shame this individual So that nobody else ever deals With him ever again Now we're talking dude Edgar write that down Yeah We're gonna catch all the scum out there It's gonna be like some sort of robin hood

You and me Edgar Morality Alright that's it that's our time We gotta go ring in the new year And so do you guys thanks so much for listening This entire not just this episode but this whole year Yeah party hard tonight have fun everybody Should we tell people the big difference

This episode see if they realize see if they notice Oh yeah This is the first episode we had to record Remotely Jake is still in New York We wanted to still record a podcast episode So we're doing it using state of the art Technology Facebook audio And we're gonna splice it together

FaceTime audio not Facebook audio Yeah FaceTime audio Let us know if you realize that And not like in a cool way like I knew Something was off I need I need the actual response I need some verified responses That say yes I realized or no

I didn't I couldn't tell it all That'd be great What do you think most people realize Or most people didn't I'm gonna say most people didn't Wow but then we'll say that they did Mm-hmm Yeah because people People don't like to admit That they were duped even in a passive

In consequential way That's right Edgar write that down That's not That wise Edgar Wouldn't you have seen Edgar If we were in the same room too Yeah that could have Either way happy 2019

What are you gonna do for New Years I'm gonna go to meet up with my brother Maybe Jeff Dave And we're gonna go to Jill's friends Apartment Classic apartment party What's your plan I'm probably not doing anything

Because the very next day early in the morning I'm taking a family trip I have to get on a flight So we're doing a first through the fifth trip To Arizona No shit Yeah Where at I'll give you the exact coordinates offline But just as a little hint

Here's the first two letters of the address Never mind I gotta run but One, two, and then the city Is FL Our Patreon Has the full address if you want to Tweet up and lead up Only for the bastard Thanks to everyone who has been

Watching our Patreon videos We're still making them More if I were you content And more Jake and Amir watch Jake and Amir at patreon.com Slash j a And again those live shows That you can still buy tickets to for now At jakeandamir.com Happy New Years to you Jake

And happy New Years to everyone listening Opening theme song was written by Martin This closing theme song was this techno song Shit let me pull up who wrote it Edgar you piece of shit Whoa sorry I shouldn't Scream Maddie Maddie did a little boom bop head nod

Or J and A intro theme song For dad as So thanks Maddie, thanks Martin Thanks to you guys For listening we'll be back next year Ciao I'm a I'm a I'm a

I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a

I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm Jay. I'm Jay. Forget it? Forget it because you're dumb?

Forget it because you don't know what the fuck you're talking about! Ass!