If I Were You - 365: Secrets Secrets

Episode Date: January 14, 2019

In this episode we discuss grinding, smoking, and our new found love of soccer! Happy 2019!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. If I were you, I would selflessly help you. Seize that cheese, if I were you. I'd email Jake and a meme. Whoa! Awesome! How about Da? How about Da?

How is Alex McGuire, our biggest fan from New Haven, Connecticut? My hometown, dude. His new band, Youth XL, has a new theme song submissions for us. And if you don't mind, tell the masses to follow at youth underscore XL underscore on Instagram. Okay. Do you really need the end underscore underscore XL underscore? Underscore is already just a blank. So like, why are you adding a forced blank at the end of the year?

I guess it's probably for like the way it looks, not the way it sounds. It looks like an underground empty area, an underlined empty area. Yeah, but sort of like the symmetry. Like the XL is standing on solid ground. Yeah, but then do you say that to people or do you just assume that they'll follow you online? You don't ever have to say your handle out loud. Yeah, I think you don't really have to say your handle often. Usually you're like, you are using it to comment and other people see it.

Yeah, but you never say it. Underscore XL underscore. Tell you right into a pod cast. You're touching the world's smallest dog. I'm petting the dog. Can you like get a command of the English language? That doesn't sound like I'm assaulting up a puppy, please. Your pinky is incredibly close to his little dick.

Well, the dog is so small that everywhere you pet it is close to his dick. He's on his side just playing his belly up to you. Yeah, this dog fucking loves me. I go the same way. But the way you pet him is so, it's so just centered on his belly right above his little doggy dick. You're making it sound like I'm some sort of bestiality. And now he's looking at me. He's looking at me like I'm talking shit about him.

You are talking shit about him. I'm not. I'm talking shit about you. Here, let me take a picture just so I can put him online. I want everybody at home to know that I didn't move my hand at all. And this is a very acceptable place to pet a dog. You can look at a mirror's photo. Actually, maybe I'll do a boomerang that way.

There's a little bit of motion in it. If you don't mind. Yeah. Maybe I should just jerk him off for a second just for the boomerang. No. I was just kidding. The fact that I said no made your joke much more serious than it was. All right, ready?

And going. Oh, shit. That was just a photo. God damn it. I feel like an old person. All right, ready? Three, two, one. And that was cute.

He sort of slouched over while you were petting him. This is Fernand. His name is Fernando or Francisco? I believe Francisco long for Frankie. Right. Our intern Clementine's dog. Shout out to Clem. She is.

Thanks for leaving the dog in the studio. Four pounds, if not an ounce, 18 inches, bone hard, soaking dry. She's not going to leave the dog in the studio anymore if you fucking keep on. We talked a lot about the dick of the dog. You talked a lot about the dick of the dog. You keep bringing it up. You joked about jerking the dog off. Yeah, I made one joke that was like, really, I only did it to make it a little less weird

that you wouldn't stop talking about it. I sort of tried to lighten the air and then you immediately called me out for some reason. Now you're using two hands on the dog. Well, the second hand is under the neck. It's very far from the penis. I didn't say anything about the position of the second hand next to the penis. He has such an expressive little face. He has two dots for eyebrows.

He has like two brown dots. He's a sweet little boy. Are you going to get a dog? When I stop at him, he's like, whoa, what? Yeah, he looks up to you and wonders why. Would you ever get a dog this tiny? Totally, yeah. So you don't need a big boy dog?

I just need... I think I prefer a big boy dog, but I would definitely get a dog this tiny. My parents have a small dog. But not this small? Not this small. But there's something nice about a small dog that you could just grab, pick up, put it in your lap. They even put it in a bag? No, I wouldn't do that.

Honestly, you probably put Frankie in a sandwichy, like a little Ziploc. Well, I wouldn't do that. You keep it a little bit open, you wouldn't Ziploc the whole. I wouldn't do it at all. You need a quart bag, basically. Yeah, like a freezer bag, but that's still in demand. No, yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to describe the size of the dog.

I'm not saying actually put it in a bag. You did say you could put it in a bag. You could put it in a bag. I'm just saying like, you know, you could put it in a bag. Don't put it in a bag, obviously. Obviously, don't put it in a bag. Unless he wants to sleep in a little bag. That's actually...

It's like, it would be a cute photo. Do I put the dog in a freezer bag? That's a cute photo. No, you're saying freezer, like I'm going to freeze the dog. I want to just like put the bag around the dog and have him like poke his head out or like stuff that he didn't. Or like what? Yeah.

But not zip it up. Not zip it up. Or if you do zip it up, zip photo out. Boom. He's comfortable. Jesus Christ. He's a fine dog. This is a fine dog.

He's a sweet dog. You're going to stop talking about putting it in a Ziploc bag. All right. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast. Sick of Frankie. He's eating my toe. On the internet, hosted by me, I'm Amir. I'm Jake.

With Frankie. Frankie, our third guest, our first guest, first dog guest in the studio. We also have Dee downstairs, which is Marty's bull pig. Frankie looks like if Dee took a shit, like Dee takes shits that are the size of Frankie. Yeah. For sure. And Frankie loves that about her. They're their little hot couple.

Frankie takes shits that are the size of Dee, which is crazy. That's amazing. Yeah. So a little 18 inch dog. That's a pimple size shit. Yeah. It takes a dog. It takes a shit that's roughly what, 80 pounds, 90 pounds of shit?

Over the course of a year, but still. All right. Should we get some questions and answers here? Yeah. This is 2019 after all. Second week? Third week? This is 2019?

Are we on? Yeah. This is the second week. By the time this comes out, the beginning of the third. What do we got here? I just have to, of course. Find questions now? Yeah.

Let me read a few. Oh, here's one. Our New York show sold out. Oh, not really a question, but a funny email we got this morning. Yes. That's a statement of fact. Yeah. You officially can't come to the New York show, even if you got a ticket.

Well, what about like our friends and family? They can't come either. That's cool. Yeah. That's actually really cool, right? Fucking show for an empty theater, even though you sold it out. We fund everybody their money. Oh, like we bought all the tickets?

That's really cool. Longtime listener writes, Frankie, first multiple time advice seeker, but this question is more important than any of the other ones I've asked. All right. I moved in with my girlfriend of four years, about a year ago, and things are going well. Not perfect, because honestly, what relationship is perfect, but we love and support each other in the ways that matter. One big problem, one big problem I'm having, though, is that when she sleeps, she grinds

her teeth so goddamn much, it keeps me awake. I've suggested she gets a grind guard, and she's resistant to the concept because she thinks she'll go wrong without a dentist recommended guard. Got it. She thinks she'll go wrong without a dentist recommended guard. The problem is, as a grad student, she doesn't have dental insurance. I can hear her gnashing away as I'm writing this email, and I would really appreciate your help.

How can I nudge her in the right direction, a la, getting her help for her teeth grinding? Do I just buy her a grind guard? Do I make her fix the issue? A point of contention? Or do I just suck it up? I love you guys. Please help. Love, Frankie.

Hmm. Grind guard. Have you ever had one? No, but I don't grind my teeth. You're a big proponent of the grind guard. Yeah, I'm a convert. I don't know if I've ever used it as my unsolicited advice, but maybe five or six years ago, Frankie, legs just extended out straight.

He looks like he's taxidermied in this position. He's on his back, curved like a boomerang, legs so stiff and straight, arms very bent, staring at me like he's mad at me for something. Yeah, I guess because you threatened to put him in a zip like that. He doesn't know. He doesn't know that. All right, grind guards. I got a grind guard five years ago.

Dentist said that my teeth are being grinded away as I sleep, I guess. I didn't even realize it, but at first it was kind of weird. It felt like sleeping with a retainer again. It's almost like it was hard to breathe, but now it's gotten to the point where I can't sleep without my grind guard. I take it everywhere, and even if I miss one night, it's noticeable. So, I understand her hesitance and reticence to getting a grind guard, but I'm here to tell her that grind guards will change the way she sleeps.

She'll sleep better and feel better in the morning. Have you ever experienced grinding next to you? No. I actually have absolutely zero experience with this. It's kind of like snoring light, so instead of like, it's like. Would you also do? Yeah, I snore and I grind. Yeah.

But I also sleep really well. I wonder if those two things are related because I'm so passed out that my face is making loud noises and I don't realize it. Yeah. Does your girlfriend who has to sleep next to you grinding and snoring and farting ever complain about that? You added the farting. You said grinding and snoring, which is what I admitted to.

We shared a Jack and Jill room in our house that we first moved into in LA. I do take one as is my custom in the morning to take my morning fart. That's going to happen in the morning. You fart in the middle of the night though. Do I? I don't know because I'm asleep. I usually feel it in the morning. While I'm taking my morning pee, I'll take my morning fart.

It is a loud echo-y fart. I think she's one gotten used to the snoring and two drowns it out with like white noise, fan, situation, like stuff like that. He can do that, but that's not really addressing the issue. That's just putting a band-aid over his ears. I do think that she will feel better. Grinding audibly, I got the fancy molded dentist thing that an orthodontist made for me, but you can get cheaper ones at CVS that's just put it in hot water and shove it in your mouth

and it's close enough. Yeah. What's the harm of that versus a dentist-made one? No harm. I think she's using it as a couple. I think she's saying that I don't want to do it because I don't trust you. But it's all the same. Just one is form-fitted exactly for your mouth and one is a little bit bigger.

If anything, you could say that why don't you do the one from the pharmacy and if you like it, when you get dental insurance, you can do it right, do it real nice. But I think this guy can get it for her as kind of a quasi-romantic gift. It's like, oh, I want you to sleep better. Here's this little grind guard. Yeah. Maybe you can get matching grind guards. That's sexy.

Yeah. That's hot. One blue and one pink. What better way to say that you've settled into your relationship for the long haul than by getting each other matching grind guards, ensuring you will not be fucking that night? Well, it is four years into a relationship and a year ago of living, so they're at the grind guard stage of the relationship.

Definitely. They were there three years ago. All right. Next question. Yes. This one is the opposite. This one is a cool question from a lady. Ooh.

So we'll call her D, the other dog in our office. Not that Frankie's not cool. Yeah. Frankie is cool. I shouldn't have assigned the grind guard question to him. I had a friends with benefits situation for five months with my weed guy. See? I told you it was cool.

That's hot and cool and sexy. I guess to the point where maybe it could be seen as we were dating as his mom had always came to me to see me perform and I've written stuff for his brother's band and he would buy me shit slash take me on dates. Sounds like they were dating. If you met his mom, you had a boyfriend. It could be seen that we were dating because he took me on dates. Since we never...

I met his mother. Since he never said we were BFGF, I felt like that I didn't really need to break up with him and kind of just ghosted. Now we're at my situation. I'm in a desperate need for grass and I can't find another... Grass. And I can't find another plug anywhere despite going to a party school, a plug. Have you ever heard that term?

I think I have. Plug is definitely a cooler slang than grass. Good on you. You saved it. I don't really want to contact him because I know he'll think I want to hook up again when I really just want the weed. What would you do if you were me? Jake, I know you sold.

Would you sell to an ex if they asked? Thanks, boys. Can't wait to drag my two friends who have never heard of you to your DC show. That's right. We still have tickets available still to our DC show on March 9th. If you can't come to the New York one now because it's sold out. Take the train with us on Saturday the 9th. Yeah, we are going to have to do that.

That's fun. I love that train. Plug, grass, ex, ghost, weed. Yeah. This feels pretty familiar. Yeah. Why don't you get a pen? Huh?

I guess it feels almost archaic now to me to buy marijuana from a dealer. Oh, because you can get a glass USB pen that vapes gets you high to your specific specifications. Yeah, and I feel like you could buy those online. Have you ever vaped? What do you mean? Have you ever used those pens? The THC? Yeah.

Yeah. And how do you think that compares to the good old fashioned J? I mean, it's less harsh on your throat. That's good. I would say entirely better. Okay. But I have always liked the ritual of smoking weed, like passing around a joint. A roach, a J.

Not a roach. A roach. A blunt. A blunt, sure. It's cool to say blunt. Yeah. I would say like that's a cool blunt. You would say that's a cool blunt.

Pass the blunt. That's actually a really dope blunt. Quit bogarting my blunt. You know what makes something a blunt, right? If you use the cigar paper. Oh, really? I thought it was like tobacco in addition to weed. Oh, I mean, I don't know.

That's cool. I don't think that's it though. Could they make blunt vapes? I think? Imagine a vape so blunt you couldn't even stab someone with it. You'd have to call it Emily. A vape so blunt you call it Emily on the side. How's that, Mr. Krasinski?

Her husband? Yes. Got it. What do you think of him becoming like a jacked movie hero kind of guy? Are you buying it or you don't quite believe it because you've seen him in the office? Yeah. I don't quite believe it. It almost, I guess I haven't seen him do like, I don't know if I've seen like an action

movie that he's in that I liked yet. What was he like an army guy in? Oh, like the secret soldiers of Benghazi. Yeah. Which I didn't see. Which is like one of the only action movies I didn't see because it just like, there's something that like is very triggering about Benghazi that makes me feel like the political leanings didn't align.

Wasn't he also Jack Ryan? Yeah, he's in Jack Ryan, but that's like an Amazon show that I have not seen yet. Got it. That's not a movie. Like if he was born or Captain America or something. Yeah. Like how would you rank the leading action dudes? Like who's at the top and then where would you put Jeremy Renner?

Oh, I mean Jeremy Renner played born and he was also in the Avengers, but like I think I think there's never going to be a replacement born for Mac Damon in my eyes. Yeah. Mac Damon at the top. Hawkeye is like one of the worst Marvel guys. So like I'm not a huge Renner fan. Yeah. Oh, he was also, but he was in like Mission Impossible too.

He makes a lot of good choices. Like he's in great movies, but I'm never like excited about like, oh shit, I got to see the new Renner. I don't think he's hot enough to you. Yeah. So who's at the top of those kind of cool dudes? Maybe Christian Bale, but I guess he's like older now and like being a very serious actor. Yeah, he's not doing action.

But like Bale Batman is probably like cool superhero to me. And then Damon? Yeah, Damon. Like, well, maybe, I mean, if I can travel in time, which I guess I established with the Bateman Batman, I'd probably have to say the Damon, Damon Borns. Number one. Yeah. And then Bale Batman.

Yeah. I mean, that's probably, that's like one of two. What about Tom Cruise and Mission Impossible, Ethan Hunt? Oh yeah. I mean, Tom Cruise action movies are pretty incredible. I never like, I feel like I like those movies, but I'm never like super excited about Tom Cruise. In it.

Well, I know I am, but I don't know. Borns is just the fucking old man. And then we, and then we got to talk about fantasy too, like Aragorn. That's, that seems like a different category though. You can't compare Jason Born. You know that Aragorn's a superhero? Who? Vigo Mortensen?

Vigo Mortensen, yeah. What is he? The king of fucking Rohan. What is he like kick stuff? Kick stuff. He cuts down orcs, he defeats Sauron. I feel like I can beat him in an arm wrestling match. That doesn't count.

No fucking chance. I feel like I can outweigh Aragorn. No. Is he smart? Strider? Who? Strider, his secret identity when he didn't want to become the king. Does he have a gun ever?

No, nobody has a gun. You got to hold a gun like this. He commands an army of the undead. I'm talking about two hands on a fucking gun, biceps flexed, moving around really quick. He has two hands on a long sword. What's that? He has two hands on a sword and he defeats an evil fucking sorcerer. That's pretty good.

I guess. Fuck you dude. What's your favorite action movie? I like Terminator, so Arnold. Brad Pitt never played an action guy. Has Brad Pitt ever held a gun in a movie? Oh yeah, for sure. Name the movie, right?

Yeah. I think he kills a gun in Snatch. Siri, does Brad Pitt hold a gun in Snatch? He definitely kills people. He might not pull the trigger. I think in World War Z, he's like, not quite. That's an action movie, but he kind of plays a scientist. What about Will Smith?

Yeah, he's also in there because of Men in Black and Bad Boys. All right, let's get back to this. No. Okay, who else is there? Who else is jacked hot and holds a gun in a movie? All right, if you were me, what would you do? You would just go elsewhere, medical marijuana and recreational marijuana is probably legal where you are. Yeah.

You could just walk into a store at this point. I really think so. If you go to a party school, just at the next party you're at, ask someone where they got their weed. I want to talk to a drug dealer that's like been doing it, not a drug dealer, but a weed guy from like 2005 to 2018. Has his world gotten easier or harder? Not to make it too hot, but one of my cousins is a weed guy. And he said that like, and it's in California and even with like medical marijuana and now recreational marijuana, he went from like selling weed and baggies and stuff to now he's selling plants because people can grow plants now.

So he like grows a plant and then it's just like buying a cactus shop and shop. Like people are buying plants from him. He still does it illegally. Oh really? Yeah. Because he doesn't have a license. Right. You know, like getting into a story just like sells it.

Interesting. You just got him arrested. Really? Don't even know his name. And I never said he. I actually did. Watch you wink at me if you got someone in trouble. Frankie, you're under arrest.

Sorry, Frankie. All right. You know what you're getting yourself into, pup. Get weed elsewhere. Let's take a break. Thanks for sponsors. We'll be back with more questions after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need

a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh wow. We got one for Jill's grandma.

Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. Got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife.

And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. You told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. So you can preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames.

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Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parent something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule.

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That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's the left side of the fight. Oh, I'm coming. Gross.

Check out our new soccer podcast. Ever heard of it? It's actually a football podcast. Right, right, right. But it's good to label it a soccer podcast because otherwise, how do you differentiate if you say we're starting a football podcast? People are going to expect NFL. Yeah, we still don't have a name for it at the time of this recording.

You're leaning towards wannabe hooligans. I like wannabe hooligans. Or, oh, no, I like new hooligans. New hooligans. That's my pitch. Well, anyway, regardless of what it's called, we're starting an English Premier League. I don't want to say full-sub podcast, but it's more like a subcast. It's like a limited-run podcast within our feed.

We don't know how limited the run is going to be. That's right, because we don't know how big of a fans we're going to end up becoming. Yeah, I might want to watch forever. So the goal here is to, one, we're American sports fans trying to get into soccer. We're talking to friends and English Premier League football fans trying to decide which will be our team to root for. Sometimes our friends are new fans as well. Sometimes they're diehard fans of a specific club, and we're going to be trying to pick their brains about one football at large and two who specifically we should be rooting for.

Correcto Mundo. And right now, I think we're both leaning towards Bonermouth. Yeah, mispronunciation of Bournemouth, which is, I guess, a team in the English Premier League. But we talked to Rahul, who is a huge Liverpool fan, and that'll be our debut episode, which is online right now, even in this feed, as well as our Patreon feed. And then every subsequent episode is going to be in our Patreon feed. So you got to go to patreon.com.com. And if you sign up there, there's an RSS feed that you can subscribe to.

It's got the bonus content of Jake and Amir Watch and, if I were you, every other Thursday. So you just want to listen to this podcast, you're going to get all this other shit for free. Exactly. The goal is to put as much other shit for free on two. Exactly. So the goal is to put as much other shit as possible on our Patreon. So you're getting the footy podcast. You're getting the if I were you.

You're getting the Jake and Amir Watch. And we're putting it all there at the 499 tier. Right. And we're also inching towards our stretch goal of releasing your groomsmen speech from my wedding. So if you've been on the fence and you want to listen to the soccer football podcast. Very good. Watch your mouth. Wait, should I call it podcast?

Let's call it a subcast. Okay. Football subcast. Then you can also help in releasing that speech. Exactly. A little bit of everything. You help yourself. You help the community writ large.

And if you want to hear us talking, learning about football, then you can check it all out at patreon.com. But I should say once again, the episode with our hool is probably right above or below this episode in our standard. If I were you. Check it out. See if it's for you. There's a lot of stuff that I like about soccer. Sorry, football. The fact that it's 20 clubs, everybody plays every team twice.

One at home, one away. Very simple schedule. The fact that the bottom two or three teams get relegated to the minor leagues is a very fun wrinkle. Yes. And then there's some shit that's like, whoa, what are you talking about? How does that make sense at all? Right. And it's like the fact that there's no playoff, the fact that a team can win the entire thing like two weeks, three weeks before the season ends.

Yeah. And the fact that there's just like five other leagues going on while this one's going on. So you're like a really good team. You can be playing three or four matches a week. Every team doesn't play the same amount of matches because they're in some other leagues too. That doesn't make sense. But we're learning out clubs. We're learning about players, which ones are hot, which ones have the most jacked calves.

Yes. Shout out to Shakiri. And then we can... Shakiri, Shakiri. Nice. And then we can start watching the actual matches. Don't lie. Nice.

That's actually a good song for him because another thing we learned is that most players have songs, which are just parodies of popular songs that everyone sings at the same time. And I really, I thought there were... I guess Ruggle just maybe didn't know, but we haven't heard like what the, you know, like the drinking songs are yet. That's what I want. I want like... In relation or in addition to the player songs. Yeah. Like the chance where people are drinking.

Yeah. That's what I want. I want to go with whoever has the best chug of beer chance. I'm sure there's fans that are most famous for drinking, partying, hooligan re-behavior. Yeah. Who's the wildest fans? I don't know. Who would you say in baseball or football?

Philly or Boston or something? Yeah. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. I think for both of those things. Yeah. But do you want to be the equivalent of a Philly Boston fan?

Well, I don't think that there are total... I feel like in England, there just aren't Philly Boston equivalents really. Or are they all Philly Boston equivalents? Maybe. Let's find out on this magical journey together. Let us know. What we really need is someone who... This is rare.

Someone who knows the Premier League insanely well and also like Major League Baseball. Yeah. And they could bridge the gaps or the NFL even. Yeah. If they knew... If you could find somebody that knows basketball and football as well as they know the EPL. I think one of my friends is like that. He's a huge NBA fan and English Premier League fan.

He doesn't know about baseball or football at all. Who is this? Ben Shin. Ben Shin. Yeah. It's like Dad is British. Grew up as a Manchester United fan. Also a Laker fan.

So you can maybe draw some parallels between the two. Maybe we could talk to him. It would be cool to talk to patrons, people that sign up and listen to the podcast. Maybe we can Skype some of them in and they can... Like I want to find a Bournemouth aka Bonermouth fan. Oh yeah. We could do like a live stream where we call somebody. I wonder how...

Yeah. I just have so many questions. Like those smaller teams that I've never heard of like Bournemouth or Wolves. How many fans do they have? Is it like 80,000 or is it still millions of fans? I feel like it's still a lot because they think about like if Bournemouth gets relegated. Rule was saying that the second tier was also really competitive and really good. Yeah.

So like in theory Bournemouth could be the top of the second tier. That'd be cool if the NBA did that because there's a G League where like teams like Albuquerque and like the South Bay Lakers and Austin has a team. So like if Austin won the G League and then it's like now there's an Austin NBA team for that season. Right. And then your Lakers could be relegated. They would never. They're in last right now.

Instead with the NBA the worst teams are rewarded with the best college players. Yeah. And that's why there's tanking in the NBA and not any of the Premier League. So maybe they are onto something. All right. And should we get back to it? I guess my other unsolicited advice we already talked about which was get a grind guard if you're grinding your teeth.

Right, right, right. So here's kind of an interesting tale that I wanted to get into after the break. And here we are. My best friend's amateur porn. This is a question or a tale? No, it's a movie I wanted to pitch you. Do you have another female dog's name just because that's the theme? Right.

Female dog's name. I feel like I should Lassie. Yeah, Lassie. Was Lassie a woman? Sorry. Was Lassie a female dog? Was Lassie a woman? Was Lassie a woman?

Or a man? Who would under drink a potion to become a dog? I think Lassie was a dog. Yeah, she was not a woman. But yeah, she was a female dog. And Flipper? Female dolphin? I think Flipper was a woman.

Flipper was a mermaid. All right, Lassie writes, long time listener, first time emailer. I'm 21 year old from the US of A and my best friend has been pursuing a career in the sex industry. At the moment, she works in sex education and nude modeling. My boyfriend and I are both very supportive. We see all of her photos and follow her on various social medias. Recently, she's been pondering the idea of filming porn. I'm obviously going to support whatever she decides to do.

However, I mentioned to my boyfriend that I don't think I'd watch if she does. It's just a little weird to me. He then said to me, okay, I could just watch it alone. I don't consider watching porn cheating, but I'm definitely uncomfortable with my boyfriend watching my best friend's porn, considering we hang out frequently and we both known her for years. Is this wrong? He said he wouldn't watch it if I didn't want him to, but he mentioned that he didn't see why I would find it wrong. He even said that it wouldn't be cheating if he watched watched it, if you know what I mean,

since we both don't think watching porn is cheating. What do you guys think? Is watching porn a whole different situation when you know the person? Is this on the same level as cheating or something entirely different? Thanks. Love, Lassie. The real thing to know is just that he's going to watch it. It sounds like he's already J and O in anticipation.

I appreciate all the questions and we can definitely talk about everything, but he is watching the porn. Is it cheating? Is it weird? Is it wrong? Is it bad? It's weird. Maybe it's a little, I mean, it is weird. It makes her feel weird.

So it's a little weird. It has to be a little weird. You can't say it's not weird at all. Three people hanging out. One of them has seen the other fucking on camera. Right. One of them hasn't. So there's that.

Yeah. Wrong. No, it's not. Porn being cheating is the most absurd fucking thing in the world to guys. What about if you know the person? Does that change anything? J and O to a person you know. J and no.

It's called Jack. Jacking no. I still don't think that's cheating. Not cheating. Weird. It's always, it's like weird, illicit, inappropriate, uncomfortable. It's in the genre of cheating, right? Because it's a sexual act by yourself with this person.

Is it cheating to like picture somebody else while you're having sex? Or is it just weird? Is it considered? Or is it like a private thing? Is it like perfectly fine and it's only weird when you make it public? Let me ask you this. Is it cheating to picture somebody else while you're having sex with somebody else? So he's fucking a different person but imagining it's his girlfriend, yeah.

It all depends on who you're imagining. As long as you're thinking of your girlfriend. So is it cheating if you're looking at someone else while you cup? Even in your mind's eye. Virtual reality. Even if you are physically cheating. As long as you shut your eyes and you see nothing and think of your beloved. Yeah, I feel like virtual reality is gonna like throw a whole new set of rules at this.

I think that's why it's like porn and masturbating and all that stuff is just like, it makes everybody else so weird and it's also weird once you like speak of it, that it's like just keep it to yourself. This guy should have never ever been like, oh alright you're not gonna watch the porn? Then I'm gonna watch the porn. I'll watch it by myself. And it's not cheating if I jerk off to it.

Just so we're all clear. I agree with his thesis but not his action. You shouldn't have said anything. But then how do you compromise that with the idea that you should be open and honest and overt and tell your partner everything? I don't think that you should be open and honest and overt and tell your partner everything. There you go. At least you're not a hypocrite.

The world is healthier with privacy and secrets. That's cool. The world is healthier with secrets. It is. That's a cool shirt. Secrets, secrets are some fun as long as they are for me. Secrets, secrets hurt no one. Secrets, secrets are so fun.

Why I could think of ten secrets right now that would ruin everything. Oh, Frankie don't look. It's okay, he's asleep next to you. So you say, it's a little weird, it's not cheating. You shouldn't have said anything. Well, the guy shouldn't have said anything. I think all that this girl can do is return things to the status quo and just let it all be unsaid. This is what people-

Bury it deep. Forget it. Lobotomy, lobotomy, brains. Build your wall high and thick. Forget, forget, forgetful. This is what people who have spoken to in open relationships. This is their selling point. They're like, relationships have so many secrets and so many like all this.

I don't want any secrets. I want like an open relationship where I can flirt with someone else that's not cheating, fuck someone else that's not cheating, but still get the relationship. Right. Yeah, open relationships are just like relationships where people freely hurt each other and make each other feel uncomfortable. That's what an open relationship is to me. That's the pure-

It's like the opposite of the secrets. You can be honest and say, I don't want to fuck that person and my boyfriend or girlfriend has to just sort of accept that. Yeah. There is something to that. I just- Yeah, maybe. I don't know how you find enough people on earth to be like completely like, I don't know,

you can go play tennis with someone and you can also fuck someone and that doesn't feel anything different for me. Everybody I've ever met in an open relationship has like one person that's like that that's very zen and cool and one person that is sort of pretending that they are that. Yeah. While they're also secretly dying inside as their partner, fuck whoever they want. That's right. It's like one person's like, by the way, I'm only into open relationships and then one

person's like, I've never tried it before, but it sounds pretty cool. But I'm so obsessed with you that I'm willing to hurt myself and see if it works. Turns out it didn't. The thing is these- Turns out I was filled with jealousy. These true openers have to find each other. The rare case where like the one in a hundred of I like open relationships and then it's like, I also do it too.

Yeah. Those are the people that have to find each other. I think like even when two openers find each other and like somebody always just ends up liking someone else a little bit more and gets a little more, a little bit jealous. Yeah. How do you turn off the jealousy part of your brain entirely? Which is like sort of what she's asking, do you think watching porn is a whole different situation when you know the person?

Is this on the same level as cheating or something entirely different? Basically, she thinks it's weird, but we're saying it's not cheating. Yeah. It's weird. It is weird. And you have to either forget that this conversation happened. Which isn't nearly impossible. Has she tried sleeping on it?

Like imagine if you just went to bed and woke up and it's a new day and it's like, oh, now that conversation is less in on my mind and more of a memory. Yeah. I think that's what has to happen. I mean, in a way, this, so let's just take her boyfriend for example. He could jerk off to anything he so desires. He could like Photoshop a weird picture of your mother and jerk off to that if he wants to. So the fact that he is doing this thing that makes you feel weird, which is still pretty

in the realm of normal stuff, like just jerking off to porn. You happen to know the person and he's being so blatant and honest with you. Probably to his own detriment means you sort of have like a standup guy. Maybe I think he's stupid, but I think he's honest. Yeah. He's kind of like a Chris Klein character in American Pie, like this big naive doof. Right. He could just straight up be cheating on you, but you know that he's not doing that because

he's so dumb and honest that he told you he was going to masturbate to your friend's porn. Imagine the opposite where he's actually doing, like would you rather a sweet boy who is secretly doing things behind your back or a guy who's so naive and pro honesty that he's like, yeah, I'm going to watch and jerk off to your best friend in a porn. Which is my theory is that everybody does this stuff, like jerks off to a weird porn or like some, you know, it's also personal and perverted. So everyone's doing it and there's some people that are like cool enough to not say anything. They're cool enough to not say anything.

I guess it's a very funny way to put it. Well, that guy's so cool. He's not saying anything. Sweet boy does perverted thing or honest boy does perverted thing, but it's not everyone's doing a perverted thing. It's more like, what's your preference on how your life gets lived? Do you want to know the perverted thing is happening or do you want to know it? Do you want it to not?

Do you want to not know? You're pro secrets. I'm pro secrets. I wonder if that's considered an unpopular opinion. Probably. It's definitely unpopular among the people I keep secrets from. Of course. They wouldn't want that.

Nobody wants to be on the other side of the secrets, but then you just got to tell yourself they got secrets too and I don't want to know about them. So it's treating others how I want to be treated. Other people do have secrets from me. That's the best part. I don't want to know the things that hurt me. Then it's like guilt free secrets. Keep it to yourself motherfucker.

Don't tell me this shit. Keep it as a secret. I actually have a secret for you. Really? Yeah, but I was going to keep it. I don't want to tell you. Okay. Wait.

Force it out of me. Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. I jerked off. I jerked off to your best friend. I don't want to know that. See? Well, your best friend is me. So I was sort of staring at myself in a mirror.

I mean, I definitely didn't want to know that. That doesn't make it better. All right. I'll bloop it and see if you can forget it going forward. All right. We're out of time. Thanks for listening. Thanks for checking out the Patreon, the soccer, subcast, the football podcast, the live

shows, all of it. So many. All of it. There's something for everybody. Yeah. And we'll be back next week with this If I Were You show. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all over to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. Oh, yeah.

The opening one was written by Alex McGuire. But this closing one, let me look it up because it was, it's a little, it's a little out there. That's why I'm saving it for the last, the end of the episode. Okay. It's out there. Experimental noise music. Yeah. Something like that.

He says it was on a floppy disk given to me by a mysterious man on the street who simply said it is your burden now before vanishing. Okay. And you can visit them at thegordonlakecorporatefunkyband.bandcamp.com. I'm going to leave the room before the song is played for sure. Of course. This is Gordon Lake Corporate Funky Band, the. See you next week, everybody.

Bye. It is about creating a government that works for all of us, not just wealthy campaign contributors. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. That was a headgum podcast.