If I Were You - 368: Small Spoon (w/Geoffrey James)

Episode Date: February 4, 2019

Friend and resident dumbass is on the show to discuss puking, peeing, and eating ice cream.Plus our Super Bowl bet!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. That was Matthew Shenton, his first submission and he has nothing to plug, so please tell everyone to subscribe to PewDiePie on YouTube. Jeffrey, your thoughts? So he plugged a different creator, who's had a lot of issues, tarnishes his name almost. Actually, his name is Matthew with one T. Ever heard of that? Ever seen that before?

I think that's a typo, but I'll definitely be a typo. It's Matthew in the email, M-A-T, and then he said cheers at the end, M-A-T. Two typos. Then also, in the body of the email, it says Matthew with one T, and then he says cheers at the end, M-A-T. That's crazy. He just can't spell his name right. There's two T's.

I think it's just one typo that his parents made, sort of profligated throughout the rest of his life, so he has to tell people, actually, it's Matthew with one T. Actually, it's Matt with one T. Yeah, so if he ever goes by Matt, it's just M-A-T. That's right. That's what he signed off. Yeah. That's his nickname.

What is it? Jeffrey, you're kind of similar to that with your G-E-O-F-F. Yeah, but that's been chronicled in history to be the English way of spelling it. Yeah. Matthew with one T, I think, just goes against the Bible. What's his middle name again? My middle name? Yeah.

Matthew with one T. Really? But I don't see how that goes. I'm surprised he didn't leap to his defense. And your last name is James J-Y-A-M-M-E-S. Kind of like how Dwayne Wade is Dwayne with the Y or whatever. Yeah, D-W-Y-A-N-E. It's hard when you have it.

What? That's how you spell Dwayne Wade. Yeah, I learned that this year. D-W-Y-N. I learned that the hard wayed. I learned that the hard way. That's really good. Tim hard way.

Who? Junior. But do you wish or do you take pride in the G of it all? I used to hate it, but now I take pride in it. The only reason I hated it was that truck stops wouldn't have my name on a mini license plate. Oh, I see. Now they carry it, so it's cool. Now the truck stops, I'm always at, carry it.

But now my name is Jennifer, so I never have that problem. Jennifer. Jennifer. I've actually been having a little bit of name issues of late. Why? How? Talk about it. Why?

Well, what's your name issue? I'm curious to hear that. Well, you're talking already. No, but I want to know what it is. What is it? I want to tell you about it. What is it? What's your name issue?

What could it possibly be? What could it possibly be? Edgewise. I guess it could be a Jake or Jacob sit through. Is that what it is? That's exactly what it is. Do you know what I'd go by? I'd go to a library on it.

You're embarrassing yourself. You're embarrassing yourself. Let the men speak. Jeffrey. Let the record show you. Sorry. Jeffrey, you're being too hard on it. You're looking at Jake on it.

All right, continue. No, that, I mean, that's it. I feel like I never, because my full name is Jacob and I mostly go by Jake, it's just really like on all my packages and when I'm like any official document, it always says Jacob. With a C. Yeah, J-A-C-O-B. Yeah.

But it's just weird. I never remember if I did Jake or Jacob, and sometimes it actually makes a difference. I've had a hard time getting on a flight before because somebody booked my ticket under Jake instead of Jacob. But you've also been too drunk to fly. That's completely unrelated to me. That's unrelated. That's never happened to me.

I've never been too drunk to fly. In New Orleans, you're on a too drunk to fly list and they made you wait in the hurricane sort of preparedness room until you sobered up. That's insensitive. Yeah. And you were sort of there by yourself. You were twirling around because you were so fucking smashed. You were there?

Yeah, I was there. I was on the outside, bone sober, fresh as a daisy, up at seven, jog, jog, smoothie bowl, a side bowl. And you ate a smoothie and an aside bowl. Yeah, 11 a.m., a shower, fresh, creased shirt, steamed, starched collar. And who do I have to wake up and drag to the airport? Then Uncle Jake, who reeks of gin, I take you there and you're not even sober enough to get through security.

You're like, you want to see my ID? Take your dick out. Of course, they're not going to let you through. So they... I'm TSA-free. They have a room there at the airport for people that didn't get their... The canes. The canes.

You stumbled over to a clear checkpoint, purchased the subscription service, and then threw up into your own eye. It's only $99 a month, I can't afford not to. Anyway, this is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the web. You've got to have more energy than that. This is a Monday morning show before... You're phoning it in. This is the beginning of the week for some people in their car.

Welcome! This is actually... We're going to release this the day after the Super Bowl, so that's why I'm... You all know right now, if Tom Brady is cemented as the goat... Or just an overrated old piece of shit who couldn't get the job done. Jared Gough has inherited goat status. Gough has either gone off... Or we scoff.

Or we scoff at Gough. I'll scoff at Gough. Since the results are already out, is anybody willing to make a post-diction? A post-diction as to what they think will have happened by now? To 26. 36, 24, 36. That's right. 36, 24, 36.

What a winning hand. Gough is 5'3". Yeah, who do you guys think wins this game? Rams. I love that. I think it's going to be the Pats. Yeah, it's hard to root against Tom Brady. Well, it's easy to root against Tom Brady.

It's hard to successfully do it. Yeah, it's easier to root against Tom Brady. I would rather see the Rams win. Interesting. Are you going to root for the Pats? No, I'm going to root for the Rams. But it's so frustrating because Tom Brady always wins. Except for last year.

He didn't win last year. Yeah, and against the Giants. It's also cool that, I mean, the game already happened. Actually, somebody emailed us, I should read this, because Jake and I used to make Super Bowl bets. So Cole writes in, are you guys partaking in a Super Bowl bet this year? Maybe do a total point score to over-under, allowing more people to get involved. Or a straight-up bet between Amir and Jake would bring back the classic, even if only bragging rights are up for grabs. So thankfully, we are reading his question after the Super Bowl aired.

We're definitely not going to do the points thing, letting everyone get involved. Yeah, it can't be an harassment. That's such a nice idea. But what we can do is make a bet. If we both think the Pats are going to win, we can make an over-under bet. You think the Pats are going to win? Yeah, well, I would bet on New England to win. Do you want to take the Rams?

I don't know, I'm just so certain Tom Brady's going to win. Yeah, it's hard to bet against. What about this? The over-under is 57. Do you think the total points score to be over-under that? Under. Okay, so I could take the over, so that could be our bet. And the answer is already existing, because the game is already played.

Okay, what are the stakes? That's what we have to figure out. What's an embarrassing thing that we have to do? You were suggesting saying something that happened on Sunday night that we can't prove with the stakes of a bet until this podcast comes out. Oh, right, like you tweet a bad, or you like post a really bad selfie. Yeah. Selfie. Yeah.

And then there's no context until the next day when this podcast comes out, and then it is revealed that you did it. But it's been up for like 24 hours. What about Instagram story? So it's above a tweet, more people will see it, but it's below a true post. Yeah. Instagram story as a stake. What if, go with me for a second here. I mean, you guys are both in loving, caring relationships.

Okay. Loser divorces or marries, they're a significant other. So if you lose, you have to divorce Jill. Right. You win. You have to propose on Sunday night. That's such a high, high stake. That's interesting.

It's life-altering. It's life-altering. It's life-altering. Because I'd be out of my relationship and destitute on the street. But you could explain it to her in a year. So kick off next Super Bowl. The caveat that I was going to say was that next Super Bowl, you have to win that bet to gain back.

And you would have to explain to Avital in a year. So I was going to say like, yeah, I was going to be like an Instagram story of like your cock. I'd rather get a divorce than for everyone to see my shrimp dick. Are you kidding me? Careful on the shrimp dick stuff. I'm actually really sensitive about that because it's actually smaller. It's not small, but it's smaller than a shrimp.

It looks like a shrimp. It's shaped like a shrimp. It's a full coil. Yeah. Is it tail? Yeah. It's got the antenna in the little legs. Yeah.

It looks deep fried too. How did that... So this is a popcorn shrimp. Oh. Okay. Jake has under 57. I have over 57. I don't...

I just want to... I feel like there's... It's more fun to root for an actual team than it is a number. Oh. So you want to root for the ram. You want to go on the ram. No. I want you to root for the ram.

So fine. I'll root for the ram. I'll take the ram. But you got to give me three points. Rams plus three. I don't understand how that works. So if the ram's lose by one or two, I still win the bet. Because I add three to their total.

So if it's a heartbreaking loss, you would still win. Well, it depends on the type of heartbreak. I see. So if the... Pats win by three, we push. No bet. If they win by four or more, you win. Got it.

I did... Well, fine. I'm fucking... I'll take the bet. But I've given you three and I know that Tom Brady's going to march up the field. The fourth quarter final drive stand. Go ahead by one at the goddamn buzzer. And I still win.

Brady the clock. Hoorah! So you are a Pats fan. No, I really hate the Pats. But goddamn, they win all the time. Okay. So what are the stakes? We have to figure it out.

I can Instagram story anything I want from your Instagram story. You can Instagram anything you want from my Instagram story. He has no story and then you just have to story it. I'll take the picture or text and you have to post it on your account as you... Oh, wow. Okay. Cart flanch. How bad could it be?

Cart flanch. It could be as nasty as I want to be. All right. Legality? None. No holds barred. It's really good. You build a post on your phone and you just screenshot it, send it to me.

I upload it no context at all. That's right. And then people won't even get it till the next morning? Well, they might not get it at all because a lot of people that see it won't even listen to the podcast. That's right. But after 24 hours, after the podcast comes up, you could be like, hey, this was the result of a bet that we talked about on the podcast.

Let's swipe up to listen. It's a free fucking app. But it can't be offensive. It can't be sexually, racially. Yes, it can. Affensive. We don't want it. Yes, it can.

Absolutely. It has to be more like self-deprecating, embarrassing in a way that- You can do whatever you want for yours. I'll post it. And mine is going to be insensitive. Absolutely charged. Racist. Yeah.

It will be of the moment. Oh, yeah. It will be career ending and career defining. It'll make sure that regardless of anything- You will be cast as a villain from here on forward. Ram's just one by 21. Really? Yeah.

Okay. So that's the bet. Let's shake on it. Let's shake on it. Excuse me? Hold on. 20 minutes later. One second.

They both just took their dicks out and shook them like they were at a urinal. Does this look like a shrimp to you? Yeah. Really? All right. Let's try to answer a real question. It's a craw daddy. It looked more like a mollusk than anything.

It's a lobster. Drawn butter on the side at all times. On your thigh. I'll have this one New England style. Somebody drew butter. I can't believe that. From your knees up to your waist is just a lobster roll. Both thighs are the buns.

Your dick is the lobster. And the drawn butter is always there. That's correct. Speaking of lobster rolls as cocks and thighs as drawn butter, this is a pretty good question about a chicken nugget, chicken nugget disaster from someone we'll call Jeffrey. Do you have a name? Let's go Clementine Yoast.

So the name of an audio intern at head gun. Correct. In full. Yes. Is this guy's first name? Of course. And then his last name? Yeah.

Joast. Clementine Yoast Joe. The Yoast with the most Joast. Oh, hey there. Consider the following quandary. I'm a freshman in college and I came home for MLK Junior Day. Me and my two friends who were home for the long weekend decided to do what we always do when we get bored.

Smoke a weed and eat fast food. Epic. So we went to Burger King and we were all entranced by the deals. Ten nuggets for a dollar. You gotta be shitting me. That's an insane deal. So we each got ten nuggets and chomped that shit down and we're getting ready to leave except one of my friends who we'll call Tom wasn't satisfied.

He wanted more. So he bought 20 more nuggets, large fries, mini cinnamon rolls and one large Oreo milkshake and chomped that shit down while me and my other friend who we'll call Jerry watched and mild discussed. Afterwards we went back to my house to play Mario Kart in the basement. These guys are stoners from 2006. This dude wears my car shit. And Tom fell asleep almost immediately which wasn't very surprising because that always happens when he's high.

But approximately 12 minutes later he darts awake and asks me if my back door is open. I say I think so and he runs over to the door and throws everything up all over the glass sliding door and the floor. Jesus. I paused the game to look over at the mess. Imagine a water balloon containing a gallon of sour lumpy milk. Half eaten chicken nuggets was thrown at a glass sliding door. Naturally I yelled, what the fuck bro? Anyway, pick attached.

I wish. What the fuck bro? And Tom ran upstairs and drove home. Jerry and I were dumbfounded. Tom was his ride home so I had to drive Jerry home and clean all that shit up which took about 17 minutes which traumatized me to say the least. This guy's so specific with his time. Tom was asleep for 12 minutes.

Clearing that up to 17. He's a spy. We're all back at college now and I won't see him again until spring break. My question is how do I make things not awkward between us? It's clear now that he was really embarrassed and everything so should I act like it never happened? Should I text him first and wait to see if he apologizes or do I have a right to be mad at him? Because that sobered me up real quick cleaning shit up for the worst 17 minutes of my life. By far, he could have stayed there and cleaned up after himself, right?

Sorry for the long email. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Insert name here. Clementine Yost-Jost. I hope you're happy. God, puke everywhere. What do you think Jeff? You've been young more recently than us.

Have you ever puke, cleaned up somebody else's puke? I've never cleaned up somebody else's puke. One time I was really drunk at a friend's house in high school and I pissed the bed. Whoa, his bed. Yeah, and I also did the same thing where I was like, I'm just going to get out of here. You just left. Yeah. What happened after that?

We addressed it later. I mean, he was like, did you piss the bed? I'm like, yeah, I'm going to come back and help you clean that up and then I didn't. And how are you guys friends now? Very good friends, yeah. He, shout out to Harry, well I shouldn't say his full name. You just did. Shout out to Harry.

Everybody, Harry. Shout out to Harry Yost. He is the only man that I've ever known to get soy poisoning. Soy poisoning for sure. Yeah, so he drank too much soy sauce or had too much of it. Soy poisoning? Like a sodium poisoning from soy sauce. He was soy poisoned.

The coy boy was soy poisoned. How much soy sauce does one need to consume to have soy-dium poisoning? I don't know, but he also eats in a very strange manner. For example? Like weird orders, not over-ordering like that guy, but like, I don't know, like a potato for breakfast, like a baked potato for breakfast. I'm pretty sure he ordered one set of diner. So this guy who orders potatoes for breakfast was soy poisoned at a point.

In that time, you also pissed his bed, ran away, said you'd hop to it, didn't help to clean up, and they did not go clean. So I do think this guy didn't help out of embarrassment, but it's also way less embarrassing to throw up than to pee. This happens a lot. People do something that's disgusting, and they just want to bail. They just want to run away. Christian style.

But that's way worse. But like, I guess also he was Christian style. Bail? Yes, he was so bad judgment. You can forgive him for the bad judgment. I don't think, I feel like you've got to just rib him about it though. It's got to be, it has to become funny. Otherwise it's weird.

A gentle ribbing? Yeah. That's nice. A gentle ribbing. So you text them and you say, LOL, my face when 17 minutes of puke cleaning up renders me kind of offended by you, and then it's a selfie, a blurry selfie of your greasy face with your tongue sticking out halfway. Even the weirdest order from BK, the king, overordering on the day and making me ornery.

30 nuggets and an Oreo milkshake to boot. Come back and help me clean it up, and then he, the friend can do what you did, which is, sorry about that, I'll come. Sorry, were you asleep when you pissed the bed? Yes, of course. You slept over? Or you passed out while everyone else was awake? No, slept over.

Slept over. Pissed? Woke up in a pool of my own piss. Got up, left? Where? You knew it was piss. You woke up and you're like, I pissed the bed. Was it only you in the bed?

No, I wasn't actually aware of it fully. It was very cold and it was in this cabin that didn't have a lot of insulation, so I thought that it was actually melted ice. And I'll go to my grave thinking it was melted ice. What are you saying? Was that before or after your friend had a potato? Did you grow up in the fucking tundra? You grew up in a fever-dream Dr. Seuss had.

You fell asleep in a cold cabin, woke up in a puddle of liquid that you assumed was ice that had melted. Don't you mean it was hot in the cabin then? No, it was not hot. It was not hot. Cold enough to melt an ice cube. You know what they say. Your friend has been poisoned by sauce.

I thought it was melted by my body heat, but this was also me talking myself out of, I couldn't just piss the bed. It was melted ice. I'm like, 17 or whatever. And then when he questioned me about it later, I was like, you know what, I probably did and I'm just going to own up to it. You didn't own up to it? You said you'd come back to help.

You went away. I'm going to be a man and I'm going to come, help you clean it. Let me help right with wrong. Let it sit there. I'm off my way. I promise I'll be there at five. I'm calling you from my cell, dude. I am going to-

On my way to the cabin. I've got a potato for each of us. And had you like a bucket of soy sauce, my friend, on me. You drink the first bucket and I'll be right there with you for bucket number two. Were you there when he soy poisoned? No, that was in college. You just heard about that later. The soisening of it all.

Yeah, it was a chronicles. Everything with him is a chronicles. What's a chronicles? Like a series of unfortunate events. Oh, Lemony Snicket style. Yeah. I like that a lot. For example, I saw him at the queue at a Cavs game in November for the first time for a

year and a half and he acted like no time had gone by. What happened? Which is like not in a friendly way, but more just like he acted like we had seen each other the week before. So he was like, hey, what's going on? No, not even that then. Yeah. Well, it was just like, hey, what's going on?

Yeah, it's just like, hey, what's up? What's been going on in your life for the past year and a half? You never text me back. Sorry, I was in a hospital getting rehydrated. I was soy poisoned, man. I wasn't poised to be soy poised. That's quite way. So this guy couldn't bring it up in a funny way and hope that this guy apologizes.

Hey, sorry for puking on the door. I'd suggest a GIF over text. That's good. Animated? No, if you could find a single image or from a movie. Like, yeah, let me see if I can find one real quick. And I actually would say a gift for his ex. Really?

So you do the gift over text. Why? I say gift for his ex. So I say this guy who threw up, buy something really nice for the other guy's ex. Uh-huh. And maybe start a relationship with her or him. Oh. This is the most insane advice you've ever.

You're saying this guy should steal his friend's ex? Ex-girlfriend. Because you even know he has one. Well, first of all, she's a free agent, right? No. Well, she's with somebody new then? Uh-huh. Okay, then his previous ex.

Okay. Or at the very least his crush. Somebody who's not bound to him. And he starts someone up. Sorry. Yeah, Jake was saying something actually. Pute gifts? I apologize for interrupting, but I really think this gift of baby puking is absolutely worth it.

Oh, epic. That is a lot of milk. Yeah. So you send that to him. Do you guys think that's from a farm or straight from the source? What do you mean? The milk breast or otherwise? I assume a cow.

Okay. Yeah. I assume- There's too much milk for that all to be breast. Actually, that was soy milk. That's your friend right there, puking it up. I think he was- He is soy poisoned.

Yeah. Which is on track for his five-year plan. Boy poisoned by soy. The Henry Harry story. All right, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors and we'll come back with more questions and answers after this. Yeah. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant.

We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes.

And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

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The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping.

Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area.

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This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Hey, Jeffrey James, do you have any? Oh, it's a leather device.

Oh, I'm coming. Gross. So you're at an ice cream parlor really. There's no other way about it. I'm not going to dance around the subject here, Blumenfeld. Yeah, I'm not asking you to. You ask for a taste of the salted caramel. Okay.

Of the brown butter almond brittle. Yeah. Of the marshmallow. And suddenly you're like, fuck it. I'm going to go with what I knew I wanted the whole time, mint Oreo. Okay. So you get a scoop. You still got the little tasters.

You still, you didn't discard them like everybody else does. The spoons. The spoons. The tasters. The spoon tasters, yeah. Yeah, they're like flattened small. Keep those. Don't use the big spoons because that's, say there's three tiny spoons for every big spoonful.

That's three times the ice cream. What? What? Use a taster spoon on your ice cream at the parlor so that you get more cream iced per capita. Per capita per person. It's the same amount of ice cream. You're just taking smaller bites. That's your advice to take small bites of ice cream to make it seem like, by the way,

I don't think ice cream places have different spoons. It's usually the same spoon. Why do you need three taster spoons? I get the advice if it's just one taster. You said keep all three. No, you don't need to keep all three. Just keep it there with your pals. But you need to taste, I'm just running you through the scenario that you taste three

different flavors. By the way, earlier today I saw you eating a cereal with a small little taster spoon. Is that the same theory right there? Smaller spoon, more food. We went out to lunch and you got a soup and you used the taster spoon that you had in your pocket. Well, it's because you just get more spoonfuls of the shit. Per capita you said. Per capita.

You're at a ramen restaurant using that small little pink ice cream taster spoon. You can get any noodles or roff on the thing. And I'll use chopsticks for a steak. It's all about perception. You know nothing about utensils. No, I know exactly. I know how to game the system in regards to utensils. Is that gaming the system to just use a smaller spoon?

It's gaming your own mind system. Do you ever use a small knife? No, because it's ineffective. Small fork, absolutely. Because you know why. Why? I'm saying smaller bites means more bites, right? So with the big spoon you get maybe 30 bites.

With the small bite spoon you maybe get 90 bites. And that's 90 bites of ice cream. I've never thought I'd have to apologize to the audience before. No way. Do you want to take that again? I'll just try to come up with some advice or something. I want to keep it and I want to say that I'm genuinely so sorry for what just happened. I feel like I let everyone down by letting Jeff on the show.

And by set, I feel like one of a henchman. It's almost worse than an evil villain. Because I set this loser man up to fail everybody. And for me to aid in that process, it's such a sickening... The way you're staring at us right now, it doesn't faze you at all. You're sort of half smiling with your top teeth only. Have you seen Lords of Dogtown? What?

Have you seen Lords of Dogtown? The skateboarding documentary? Not a documentary, narrative film starring Heath Ledger. No. Okay. How is it going to be at all relevant to the small spoons? Open or close your mouth. I do this halfway thing.

It's really weird and blank. You made your apology. Are we going to give advice? Yeah, what's your advice? I gave the advice, the small spoon thing. You mean more questions? I don't hate the small spoon thing. I didn't know.

In my history, in my experience, the small spoons is what they give out for the ice cream as well. No. Big spoons and small spoons. There's the Taster Spoons. Some places, yes, and I admire them. You've been to Ample Hills on Hillhurst? No. It's the best ice cream I've had in LA.

Originally from Brooklyn, though. You should go before you... Well, you're back there anyways. How does it compare to a Jenny's Gourmet? Jenny's is actually from Ohio. Do you like it? I didn't ask where it was from. I like some of Jenny's flavors, but a lot of them are too unique for their own good.

Like olive oil, salt, something like that. Goat cheese. Yeah, the goat cheese one I think is disgusting, stuff like that. Ample Hills is more normal. You notice when you get one scoop, like you can still get two flavors. One scoop is basically like two or three at this point. Yeah, which is like, hey, I'm not complaining, right? Kitty is one.

Who? A kitty scoop? One scoop. One actual scoop. I'm saying that's enough. Who's getting two scoops? I get full off a Taster, bud. I get full off a Taster.

I'll say it. You look deathly frail. One scoop is more than enough. Two scoops, like you gotta be kind of crazy to be like, can I get two scoops? Oh, you're saying with this, anybody who goes to an ice cream store and gets two scoops is kind of a little bit. You're kind of getting six scoops. You're lactose irrelevant.

Which means milk doesn't even think of you. Lactose irrelevant so you don't have toast and it's irrelevant as to whether or not you do? Exactly. All right, let's see if we can answer some more questions. I feel like you're sitting around that for like five minutes. Oh, no, I thought of it this morning when I woke up. When you lacked toast?

I'm lacked toast. Oh, here's kind of a serious question. Let's get into it. Jeff, do you have another man's name? Heath Barledger. Oh, God. Many people believe in me. Oh, sorry.

I skipped the first question, of course. Long time listener. Love the show and Lonely and Horny Season 2 was excellent. All right. Yeah, man. There's no one. You can still watch it on Dropout. I am a senior in college and my dream is to go on to grad school and achieve my PhD

in philosophy. Don't. All right, next question. Many people believe in me in my ability and I have had publication and presentation success so far in my career. Shit, really? Here's my problem. Don't give up, actually.

Yeah. I've applied to 14 grad programs, paid nearly $1,500 in application and test fees, and spent hours pouring over these applications and now I must only wait. Since I turned in the application, I have three months to receive the results and in that time I have zero control over anything. The waiting is killing me. This is such a life-changing, career-determining wait and it's driving me nuts. Have you ever been anxiously awaiting the results of a life-changing decision?

How do you deal with self-doubt and rejection when you've given your all and you still might fail? What should my backup plan be? P.S. I hope to become a patron very soon. Thanks. Love. Heath. Bar.

Ledger. A philosophy PhD asking some real philosophical questions. A philosopher and a cool. Have you ever been anxiously awaiting the results of a life-changing decision, Jeff? I mean college. Like where you'll go? Yeah. Did you apply to USC early?

I got into USC a year early so I guess that was like I was waiting months to know if I would be leaving high school early. Wait you only did high school for three years? Yeah. So after junior year, during junior year you applied to USC? Correct. And you're like I'll either go back to high school or go to USC? Correct.

I didn't know that. Did you know that? I knew that I graduated early. Yeah I wouldn't have left if it wasn't for that because I got in through like an early acceptance honors program. What about all of your friends who are like alright senior year of high school and you're like no I'm going to college? I think they were bummed but they worked out.

Were you fine with it? Yeah I couldn't wait to, like half of senior year of high school was just waiting. Right. So you just got rid of that whole? Yeah. And was there any, was it USC or Bust? For that year it was USC or Bust and then if I had waited I would have also applied to like NYU and Columbia and like UCLA.

Yeah. Chapman. Jake, any life-changing waiting? I guess, I mean probably when we were waiting for the pilot. Yeah, like in Hollywood land. Which didn't end quite as happily as Jeff's story. Jeff got in. Slimmer Ops.

We got rejected from True University. That's good. Yeah. True SC said no no no. You still got to make a pilot which is pretty incredible. Yeah. It's also an Icarus thing though where you were lifted up. Now our college-aged employee is cheering us up.

And that's why you went to USC man. That's why we hired you. Jeff's still 17 if you can believe it. This guy applied to 14 grad programs. He's waiting on the results of a life-changing decision. Why doesn't he embrace it? You got three months that you can't have any control over, do whatever you want for these three months.

Agreed. Yeah. Very tiny spoon dude. Or you know what? Go ham and have a big spoon. Get two scoops. That's seven flavors. Get two scoops of ham.

And then throw up on your buddy's glass sliding door. And he still doesn't know whether he's going to get in or not. So he's like this is in theory an exciting time because think of the possibilities. 14 grad programs. I feel like you are as smart as this dude seems to be and like applied and tried this hard and talks about how he gave something as all. That usually works out. He's also going for a PhD, not a like MD.

And I feel like med school is probably more competitive than certain. Like he's probably applied to very specific PhD programs that have much less of a smaller of a applicant pool. So I think he should just breast easy knowing he's going to get into at least a few of these. And yeah, go do something awesome. Go to New Zealand or something. That's better advice than I could give because I've never really applied for anything like that.

Or applied yourself. Program. Oh my God. Did you see that? I've never seen him make a turn like that. Yeah. He got so nasty. That's called application.

To be fair, you've kind of been poking and prodding and like cattle this whole fucking hour. The spoon thing. Yeah. That was you. No, the way that you were like, you said like Heath Bar Ledger, like that's not funny like I did. And so for that, for Jake to hear that a huge Heath fan.

Yeah. A huge Heath Bar fan. And I'll tell you what, if you don't get in. If you get quote unquote rejected, come back to us because we can sell you on the fact that having a PhD in philosophy is completely useless. Yeah. And that rejected might be the best thing that ever happened to you. Yeah.

Yeah. If you get in, congrats. That's amazing. You would have been fucked otherwise. And if you don't get in, shit man. Who cares about philosophy? You dodged a bullet. Congrats.

You're not going to spend another however long learning shit that will never be relevant or necessary. It can never be sad if you shrug something off and pretend it didn't matter. So for example, so like a true TV just passed on your pile. You won't be making a TV show. I don't give a shit. That's cool. I don't care about that stupid pilot.

That's awesome. Right? That's all you have to do. And like I'm sad on the inside. All right. I heard that your house actually was lost in the California wildfires. I don't give a fuck about my house. That's no, but like the memories within like the irreplaceable photos and.

I have no memories. I like really don't give a shit about anything. I even forgot I even had a house. That's really crazy. That's cool. So you're talking about repressing almost repressing your memory. Yeah. You just sort of shrug it off your shoulders, brush, go on, brush your shoulder off.

And it goes into the deep recesses of your brain heart. So that actually buried deep. It takes us to the second question. How do you deal with self doubt and rejection when you've given it your all and you still might fail. Burry it deep. Lock it up. Fart it out.

Never think about it again. Onto the next. Onto the next. Onto the next. How do you respond to that? Repress your sad emotions and fart them out and then Jay-Z onto the next. Onto the next. It's not Jay-Z, but.

You guys think I really do have a small cock? What? You're still on that? The best 25 minutes? That's all you've been thinking about in the back of your head? It looks like a fucking crawfish or something. You're talking about repressing your memories and not giving a shit. Yeah, you had a fucking hermit crab dick.

I didn't say that. You said you had a shrimp dick. Yeah, a little slug nuts as it were. You're still bringing that up. So clearly you're not very good at repressing and farting it out. How do you deal with self-doubt, man? I like to say, you know what? It all happened for a reason.

Oh, they passed on this. Okay. So now it's going to thank God this was a blessing in disguise because now we have X, Y, and Z. Is this real? This doesn't sound like something you... So this is like, okay, true TV passed on a pilot. Now we have more time to dedicate to head gum.

Okay. Now that's going great. Head gum is... Head gum fails, hemorrhaging money, losing cash. We are kaput. Awesome. That actually frees up a lot of my time to open up that chia seed business I've been telling you guys about.

All right, so that's what we're at. A seed truck. Which by the way, you can't say... I saw your pitch deck. The slogan was chachachachia. Yeah, it's not perfect. It already feels familiar because it exists. I think...

Chia pet. I think I do something similar, which is just sort of like... You got to know that it's sort of like a wave. It's cyclical. Sometimes everything seems to be going good and sometimes everything seems to be going bad. When the things that are going bad are going bad, you just know that you'll... It all works out eventually.

There'll be another time when everything seems perfect. Yeah. So life is full of ups and downs, rejections, acceptances. You can't let any one of them stop you. Enjoy the journey, not just the destination, et cetera, et cetera. Jesus Christ, we're just reading little office posters. I actually made a poem just now. Life is full of ups and downs, lots of smiles, lots of frowns.

Imagine your dad giving you up for cigarettes and running away with the clowns. That's right. The Blarney's. The Asada's. The Blarney's. The Asada's. And the Farts. And the Farts.

Turn poster to other side. More dump poster. Side two. All right. One last question. This one's a little more nitty gritty. It was written by an office worker who's... He says, PS, my Hebrew name is legit Samuel Passover.

Let's call him that. Samuel Passover writes, who's, I guess, the mascot of Passover. Here's my unsolicited advice that is so unsolicited I haven't even been asked to provide it. After doing a number two and rolling up your sleeve to wipe, roll it back down before you leave the bathroom. Walking back into a room of people with one sleeve pushed up after you were gone for eight minutes conveys one thing. I was just rubbing my ass with paper to clean it.

Also, spinach. It's easy to cram a handful of it into your mouth. Obviously not with a hand you just wiped with. Can't wait for your DC show. Love Samuel Passover. So, one, we're going to DC, March 9th. Take it still available at jaconmere.com. Two, easy to eat a handful of spinach.

It's a great way to keep that nutrient in your body. You never really think about doing it. And three, my question is, do you guys roll up your sleeves? When you wipe your ass? My sleeves, I keep my sleeves rolled up all the time as you can see by my sleeves right now. If you had a long sleeve buttoned up like an office job, could you roll it up to wipe? I don't think I would, but at the same time, should I?

No, I guess I would push it up. Yeah, I would roll it up, but I would roll up both sleeves to wash my hands. Yeah. I really feel like his advice in a way conveys that he doesn't wash his hands. There's a lot of, I just really, I get that vibe. You guys get that vibe? Yeah. Also, people aren't thinking about it as much as he is.

People aren't like, oh, like, guys, Josh is coming back. Josh is coming back. Look at one sleeve up. One sleeve up. Dude, she had his ass. No, he's saying that, yeah, all it conveys is that you wiped out, you wiped your butt, which is fine. Which is fine.

Yeah. But if anything, don't wipe your ass, roll up the sleeve, walk out, everyone will think that you wiped your ass, but you actually saved a few precious seconds. You know, sometimes this is very, very... What? You're looking at me like I'm a bad guy. A bad guy? Sorry, not a bad guy, but a bad guy, like a villain, yeah, and you're wiping shit on

your lips. That's a goop. Do you guys wash your hands when you pee? I do, but it's very, like, haphazard in case anyone's watching. So I do, like, sometimes. Yeah, same, sometimes. And sometimes if I'm in a place where there's, like, a line if I pee at a Starbucks and I'm trying to be swift about it, I will go in pee as fast as possible, flush, and then just

flick on the water really quick, not even touch it, just so people outside hear this sink and then that guy washed his hands. I do that. I think a lot of people do that. All right, cool. I thought I had invented it. I thought you were going to say, yeah, I thought I was the only one who was kind of embarrassed, but instead you took full ownership of it.

Yeah, the idea. I thought I was a fucking father. I was going to say, I did invent it. And if anyone else is doing it. Oh, it's called pulling a herwitz. A herwash. It's called a herwash. That's really good.

You ever use the bidet down here? I do. I have a tissue at home, too, so whenever possible, I use that. Does this one get water all over the seat for you? I mostly drink out of this one. I don't use it as a water fountain. Yeah, I use it just to drink. This one's pretty intense water pressure-wise, which is funny because also when you flush

and then try to use the sink, it doesn't. There's no water pressure. There's no water, so I usually exit and use the sink in the kitchen because that one's always choice. I usually take a dump in the trash can and then I do the waddle into the tushy area. I turn it on and then I sit on it. The thing is, our tushy spray is too hard and sometimes I'll walk in there and there's like bidet spray on the back of the toilet seat, which is really fucking foul.

I have to clean it up every time I use it. I can't get a full coverage. Well, maybe sometimes you don't do it full clean. Well, the problem is I'm trying to like fully cover the seat, but then that moves my anus too far to the back of the bowl. Then I slide to the front and then invariably the bidet water slaps off my tailbone onto the seat and then I have to clean that. There really ought to be a better way than the bidet.

The bidet is close, but it's not the most elegant solution. What about a full submersal? So a bath? A tub filled so full. After you shit, you lower your ash into it. A tub. And then the water raises. A bath tub.

And you're lowered. A bathtub shrubbed and rubbed. So you sit on a padded cry. A belt really, yeah. Yeah. Or it's the opposite. So like right now we're almost onto the water. What if we were completely submerged with our asshole above the water like an iceberg?

So we get flipped upside down and then we almost look like we're doing like a little volcano. So our ass is emerging above the surface. That's actually interesting because I feel like what the bidet does, it corrects the problem that your body gives you. Like you have a hairy, tight little asshole. Thank you. And then the poop comes out and it smears shit everywhere.

See I don't have that problem. I'm loose and hairless. You're, yeah. Yeah. You have that vass ass. Yeah. The what? Vass ass.

What is that? It's a Vaseline ass. Yeah. So I naturally secrete Vaseline. So you have a vas, what? Everything is shiny, warm and wide down there. Why do you know about his asshole? We did buckets.

We did buckets. We talked. Yeah, I have a basketball podcast and it came up. That makes no sense. You have buckets. You have buckets. The basketball podcast. What do you know about our editorial assistants?

Asshole. Not the whole ass. The anus. Not the whole ass. Not the cheeks. The asshole. That would be inappropriate. Yeah.

It's a working environment. After all. You're twice his age. You're 40. Yeah. Which is fine. You're 42. He's 18.

Almost thrice his age. Yeah, that was this guy's unsolicited advice. Not really a question, but I thought a good conversation started nonetheless. Oh, Jeff. Godfell party. Anything you want to promote? Talk about? Day after Super Bowl?

What do you want to mention? Just the head gum videos per use. YouTube.com slash head gum. Me and Riley Anspa. I assume it's a direct overlap with the audience here, but if you don't watch the videos, we do them every week. So check them out. And we got to get you making your own podcast.

Yes. And then Riley and I are working on a podcast together very early stages, but look out for that. We're inching closer. All right. That's our time. If you have any questions of your own theme song submissions, the opening one was written by Matt.

This closing one is by Noah, who is kind of a little diet tribe, but I don't know if we should read it. This has been, If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jake Hurwitz. No. Thanks so much. No. Small spoons.

Small spoons. Noah wrote this theme song. He says, I can't really remember if it was Jake and Amir, who was the culprit of the one of you, but one of you sucks at mafia. I remember the story about the guy yelling at you for lying about being a doctor in a mafia game. Well, although the guy went pretty overboard and it was weird that he yelled at you over a game, you were 100% in the wrong.

No, that's not true. As a villager, you are trying to uncover the truth and figure out who is lying. There is no advantage to operate under a lie. You will only confuse the other villagers and distance themselves from the truth. Thus impeding your chance of winning. I know you didn't ruin the game on purpose, but you are so bad at the game that you effectively broke it. I didn't even know that was possible.

So those are my thoughts and thanks for finding my song. You didn't ruin the game. You're trying to uncover the truth. Like a good villager. Like a good villager. Like a good villager. State Farm is Noah. So thank you Noah.

Thanks to you guys for listening. Thank you to Jeff for stopping by. And for hosting with Jake Hurwitz. And we'll be back next week. Go Rams. I don't know about you, but I love when these two try to sell me another fucking toothbrush. I don't know what to do, but I'll call up two dudes. Wait no, never mind.

One is a chipmunk. They will laugh at your pain and they'll call you insane. Then they'll give you terrible advice. When my girl is a bitch, oh my dick starts to itch. I always send my emails too. If I were you, show at gmail.com. If I were you.