If I Were You - 369: Long Underwear

Episode Date: February 11, 2019

In this episode we discuss being pissed off, and getting pissed on. Plus a follow-up pup from an angry girlfriend!For more If I Were You check out our Patreon page at Patreon.com/JA!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast, welcome to if I were you the only advice podcast on the on the internet hosted by a hosted by a hosted by us I'm Amir I'm Amir I'm Amir I'm a knock on my head I am Jake I am Jake beause I think I can roll my moth visited the cooking Ask dance

Ask You're using it as a crutch. Ass. Ass. Ass. And it's not as funny as you think it is. Ass. Ass.

Ass. Just go back to being the needy weirdo that you used to be. All right? You could have possibly known that proof is in the smile. It's my smile. Deep shit. What? What I'm gonna do if I were you?

The only advice podcast on the internet. Hosted by, hosted by, hosted by us. I'm a mirror. I'm a mirror. I'm a mirror. I'm a mirror. I'm Jay. I'm Jay.

Jay. Jay. Jay. Forget it. Forget it because you're dumb? Forget it because you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Ass. Ass.

Wow. Did we, is that from the same episode or did we call that back in a later date? Uh, don't know. Wow. That way awesome. That was written by a Maddie who has sampled my chemical romance of course and made a hardcore underground boom bap hip hop beat to it. For more beats and mixtapes go to soundcloud.com slash so damn fresh.

I actually did find that very, very mellow, very trill. I really like, it was soothing but it also bumped. It didn't slap but you didn't want it to. What's going on with you man? What was that? I was sort of like I'm doing like music review, blog, zine, podcast type thing where I just like talking about different trance mixtapes and stuff like that and then folk, guitar hero, whatever would have you.

Well one is folk and one is guitar hero. One is the type of music and one's a video game. Right, right, right. And you said blog and zine which is like one is a magazine and one is an online blog. Yes. So it's sort of like. Don't tell me what it's sort of like. Say what it is.

It's like it's a collective. It's a podcast that it's a vlog. It's a web show. What? Trying to pitch it. Maybe partner with some brand. Like a big brand. Focus your effort.

Focus your energy. You're all over the place. You're all over the place. I'm saying. You're saying so many things at once. You're just throwing buzzwords against a wall hoping that one sticks. So it's a collective where we have some people who are rapping. It's like a rap battle, MC live event.

No. Okay. Okay. I'm also reviewing different like friggin friggin like tambourines. Yeah. Awesome. Fine. I hope Kmart Walmart.

That's it. Yeah. That's that's it. What do you want? Like I gave you more than what you deserve. You just said a bunch of garbage and then you said Kmart Walmart. I said they might be interested in partnering with us. In what capacity with Kmart?

They could publish the zine. They could carry the zine in their stores. Walmart could obviously be like showing our web show on the TVs in the back. And how do you make money now? I'm more I'm so I'm like I do. I did a Kickstarter that was very, very underfunded. Yes. Yeah.

I'm on the page. I was actually. Seven dollars. Yeah. I got a cease and desist. But you have a very nice apartment. So like where is that cash coming from? My daddy.

I see. My daddy. My dad gives you cash. My daddy gives me cash. And then you have grandiose ideas like a blog zine. Yeah. I want to be a blogger, a rapper, a folk star. And if you fail, that's fine because you still have the money behind it.

That is money. Yeah. I'm not going to drive a shitty car. No. Because I have daddy's money. Right. So that sort of tricks your brain into thinking that your ideas are good. No matter what it looks like I've succeeded.

Exactly. Because I have a lot of Instagram followers and I have a nice car and I spread cash around like it's nothing. But do you think that you deserve that cash? Do you think that you've earned it? In the end, in the end, I think I deserve the cash. I deserve the cash. Because it's your father who worked hard together.

Because my dad worked hard for the money. He worked hard for the money. Yeah. I like that song. But you haven't done anything like that. Well, that song is part of my zine. It's not. A zine is written.

A song is a song. Well, sorry, I meant to say easy. It's part of my easy. Got it. Well, this is a podcast. You're still doing that. Right. I guess.

So my zine takes off. No. It won't take off. You're going to be here forever. This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. You are wearing new shoes?

True or false? They are new-ish. I got them maybe a month ago. Okay. It's three or four weeks ago. Thoughts on them? I actually am very pleased with them. I find them to be quite comfortable.

Do you want to say what they are? Yes. What are we looking at here? I believe these are the Nike Shield Air Pegasus in puke green with the orange bottoms. Okay. So it's got orange bottoms. And then what did they say? What's the official color of the-

I guess I would probably be like fatigued green or olive green. But I like to call it puke green. The top is sort of like a puke slate on bile blue. And then I ate a popsicle and spit blood pink. All of my foot ailments have sort of made me really need to experiment with sneakers. Yeah. What's the latest with the foot ailments? I haven't heard an update recently.

My heel is healed. My toe box on the left foot ain't ever going to get better. It ain't going to ever heal. But you have turf toe for three years. Yeah. In February it'll be three years or two years. Sean Joest, our host, brought me up the side of a mountain and I think left me to die. You slipped and you're like, ah.

And now three years later you're still in pain. It will never heal. Two years later or three years later? Three years. It was February. Yeah. February 2015, I think. Maybe it was 2016.

No, I think it was 2015. 2016 will be three years in February, which is now. Yeah. So it was three years ago. We're coming up on our three year anniversary, I guess. Yeah. Well, I think, so I have like a bunion on my foot, which I've always had, but I think my turf toe coupled with the bunion made it so I never really healed that well.

Ever. No. Nor will you. Nor will I. But I have got insoles and I try out different sneakers and these are some really good ones. But the reacts, the Nike reacts would be the best sneakers ever for my turf toe. Yeah. But it turns out these are a little bit better.

Pegasus above reacts, above Adidas. Yeah. Adidas, I actually find to not help my foot ailments at all. There's too much, there's too much flexibility in the sneaker. I see. These are a bit more rigid. You need a sturdier toe box. Yeah.

Like you're wearing the Ultra Boost. I could bend those in half so easily. Right. You know, you could touch the toe to the back of the heel. These ones are much, much sturdier. Got it. And if you don't have foot ailments, what's the pros of a sturdy shoe versus a lighter shoe?

This one is good for city walking. It's got sort of like a harder, harder surface on the, or harder, is it a surface on the bottom? Yeah. You could still call it a surface, right? If it's underneath of a shoe. That's a good question. Yeah.

It seems like it's the top. Right. But it can also be. Outer layer. Right. Like the surface of a ball includes the bottom of the ball. That's true. Okay.

Cool. So we got there. Okay. So since, you know, we're so smart, we figured, let's answer some questions people are like. I'm still talking about my shoes. I see. I thought you were done. Not even close.

What else? What did I cut you off? What did you, what didn't you get out? I was going to talk about my other shoes in my closet back home. That's fine. You don't have to. How many pairs do you have? Six.

I want to talk about six pairs of shoes. I don't have to talk about all of them. I'll just talk about the newer ones. How many are the newer ones? I got five. Five. Yeah. I was going to say probably all, but this pair.

I should talk about the six because it's my favorite pair. Which pair was? The old trusty. Converse fans. Fans. Yeah. Nice. All right.

I found some goodies today. Let's try to see how many we can answer. Okay. Before we get kicked out. Who's coming? Landlord. Really? Yeah.

Oh yeah. We haven't paid rent. Not for a while, no. Hemorrhaging cash here. Yeah. Is it hemorrhaging if it's like, like hemorrhaging is like a bleed in the brain. We're just like bleeding out. We're decapitated.

We're bleeding out entirely. It's a spray. Yeah. We're spraying cash. We're spraying cash. But not in a fun way. Right. It's cash we need that we wish we had.

We need a lady's name because she's asking us, why are guys trash? I am currently reading Fire and Blood 300 years before Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin. So I'll be using female names. From that book, we will call her Queen Alysanne. Alysanne? Alysanne. All right.

Alysanne writes. No, A-L-Y-S-A-N-N-E. Would you say Alysanne? Yeah. Eight. You wouldn't. Alysanne. Right.

Hi, Jew boys. I'm wondering if you could help me. I was on Tinder and I saw my elementary school and high school crush and boom, we matched. Great. Right? Or so I thought too. I messaged him first because I got a shoot my shot. We ended up having a great conversation.

He remembered me from school and he asked for my snap. And we snap a few times over a few weeks. I noticed I was the only one starting the conversation. So I stopped to see if he would reach out and nothing. We haven't talked since and this was a few months ago. Typical ghosting, right? But he follows my Instagram and likes all my pictures there and is the first of you my stories on any platform.

So what the fuck is this guy's deal? Sorry for the novel. I just need some help deciphering this guy's language. Thanks. Love. Alysanne. Queen Alysanne. Queen Alysanne.

She said sorry for my novel too. So it's all sort of tied together. Interesting. This is just typical guy shit. Do you think this is typical? Or is it? Do you think she is adequately reacting? Do you think this guy is being overly annoying, normally annoying?

I think this is normal. Would you say this is ghosting? I don't think it's ghosting because they didn't ever like do anything. I don't know what happened on the snap. I don't know what happened on the snap. Yeah. But for you to ghost somebody, I feel like there has to be more of an expectation that you'll respond to messages.

Or at least a meetup. I don't even think they met up. Right. So a ghost has to appear before he disappears. Yeah. If the ghost never appears, it's not a ghost. Right. It's just a lost demon soul.

You guys were only snap chatting. You stopped chatting. You guys were only snap chatting. You stopped snapping him. Uh-huh. And then you guys stopped snapping, but he still views your story. It sounds like maybe you ghosted him. Yeah.

I bet he's thinking, I don't want to do any, I don't want to like put in any effort. So I'll just like watch your videos or whatever. It's fine. And then like, if he, if she doesn't snap him first, he's like, all right, fine. I guess she's not interested. Yeah. I would say that's what it is. It's all just like, it's laziness and being passive.

I look at so many people's Instagram stories and Instagram posts. Yeah. Him not snapping you doesn't mean that he hates you and him opening your story doesn't mean that he has a crush on you. He's probably somewhere in between those two poles and he's like either lazy or afraid of rejection. Like he doesn't want to just straight up ask you out. Yeah.

That could be it too. You never really know. Like nobody really understands just how much is happening on anybody, any one person's like personal phone. You know, like when somebody's not texting you back, think about how many, like how much shit you're doing on your phone in any given day. Yeah. Like the, the, the hubris, the, the gall to think that like this person's whole life should

be responding to my texts or reaching out to me or something. Right. Like everybody's just got so much shit going on. But what if you don't respond for like a day or two? Is that also fine? Or is it like you owe me at least a response? Well, I guess, I mean, it really depends on the situation. I feel like this particular situation for her grace, Queen Alison, she, she stopped talking

to this guy and it was all being done over like very flippant, like passive ways. It wasn't text. It was snaps. Yeah. Disappearing messages and liking and viewing stories. Snap is like ghosting as an app. Yeah. You send something in it.

It is the ghost app. It's invisible ink. Here's the sort of flip side of it, this question that we got from a guy. Okay. Do you have a guy's name from this? What is it like bedtime story you're reading yourself? It's not a bedtime story. It's like a fairy tale.

No, it's a freaking tone. Okay. It's, it is, it's a Bible to me. It's a coloring book. It's not a coloring book. There are illustrations in it and they are black and white, but you're not required to color. You're not required to color.

I did. I did. I colored mine. I saw there was a crayon. You had your tongue out sort of smeared against the left side of your mouth. I was painting Balyrian the Dread. Okay. You were connecting the dots on the front page too.

I guess there's a map that you have to draw by connecting the dots. There's a map of Westeros and there's a little maze that you don't have to connect the dots, but it shows you where like all of the, all of the keeps and the castles are and you can draw the king's road and you can draw like the river road and stuff. You can draw that so you are. It's the kids menu that you came in with, right? It's not a freaking kids. You can order a burger off the back of it.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. It has a picture of a burger and you can order it if you call a number. Yeah. But additionally, it's a book. King Anus. Huh? King Anus.

I swear to God, this guy's name in the book is Anus. How would you say it's A-E-N-Y-S. Anus? Anus? Anus. It's King Anus. Still like why you even put it that close to Anus. Right.

It's absolutely King Anus. And I'd like an audience with George. This is George. This is George's first sort of step towards dipping his toes in the water of, can I write porn for everyone? Like he can't go from Game of Thrones to porn, but he can be like Game of Thrones, King Anus, back to Game of Thrones, King Anus and his buddy Dick Weed, back to Game of Thrones and then back.

It's all porn. It's all porn for him. Got it. King Anus writes, long time listener, first time problem-haver, boy am I in a doozy of a situation, the basis of which is this. There's this girl that I've been hanging out with a good amount recently. We have a lot of similar interests and do a lot of fun stuff together. Movies, concerts, exploring abandoned places.

It's great. I have over the past month been developing feelings for her. Every time I talk to her about it, she responds with the same thing. In November, she had a relationship end poorly and she isn't emotionally ready to date again. I think that's fine, but she has been staying at my place every night for the past two weeks with no plans of leaving soon. Plus, we've been sleeping together. We also made plans next month to go on a four-day trip together.

I get that she might not be emotionally ready right now, but it feels like shit to be drugged along for weeks and weeks, basically dating and everything but name. What would you guys do? Love King Anus. Dear sweet King Anus, I guess I'd, I think I've been in this situation. Which is like somebody afraid to just label whatever you're going through.

And whenever it's happened, I've just been like, I'm not, I can't do this then. I just don't understand why it's bad that, like, it's a little weird that she's like, I don't want to be dating you, but then they are dating. So what's the problem there? I guess, I mean, I think it just eats away at you if somebody's like specifically saying, I don't want to date you. I don't want you to be my boyfriend. Like you don't have the relationship security.

It's like if you got a job and you get a paycheck and health benefits, but instead your boss is just like, yeah, I'm probably going to give you money every week. It's going to be fine. We'll figure it out. Right. Well, I would like the guarantee. I want direct deposit, please. But to me, it seems like you have a job, but you're getting paid, you're getting health insurance

and everything's going well. But every day your boss goes, you don't have a job here. And then it's like, all right, fine, you can keep saying that, but I have a job. I have all the good parts of a job. Plus the security. You just don't want to call it a job for whatever reason. Yeah, but I don't know if he has the security. I also think there's something weird to me about like any, like the King and Queen situation

here, which is like everybody's trying to figure out what everyone's like deals are. Like, what does he mean by this? What does she mean by this? She's not, he's not responding to my snaps or she's saying she doesn't want a boyfriend, but we're still like going on trips. And like, I think the bummer of that is just like, that person's just not super into you. If that's what's like, basically everybody is dragging their feet, playing a weird game until they actually like someone.

And then everyone's just like, all in games are over. You just become a couple. I think she's just lying to herself more than to him. Like, oh, I just got an out of out of a relationship. I can't be in a relationship. I'll just hang out with you. I'll sleep over. We'll go on trips.

But I can't, let's not call it a relationship. That's a nice way to look at it. But I would, I think that she is not feeling as passionate about this dude as he is about her. Yeah. But I think if he just ignores that keeps going on and like six months a year, 18 months, you'd be like, this will all be like a silly story. Like remember when you weren't, didn't want to call us in a relationship and now we're

have three kids. How many years down the line is this? 18 months. Jesus. They adopted thrice over on their ninth, not even date because she didn't want to call it that. How was that? How did anybody let that fly?

I guess King Anus was but hurt or something and was like, we should get a dog. King Anus was but hurt. He said, let's get a dog and they ended up with three children. I guess. I don't want to say yes, but yeah. Okay. I think both of these people should take your advice and not mine. I'm clearly in some sort of like dark mood.

Maybe it's because I was on a flight earlier. Whoa. What happened? I didn't have any extra leg room. Now my legs a little cramped. Are you okay? Obviously I'm not. My legs a little cramped, I said.

Did you have a middle seat aisle window? I had an aisle. Could you maybe like move your leg into the aisle for that extra leg room? I could have, but I didn't want to. Because I wanted the extra leg room in my seat and I took it as a slight that I didn't get upgraded. So I hurt myself on purpose so I can write to Delta and tell them. And now that's coloring your answer. Oh, coloring.

I'm going to go grab my Game of Thrones book. And a turkey burger with a small fries. I'm going to color Anus red. Can I get a glass of milk with a sippy top? That's what comes with the book, right? All right, let's take a break. We'll come back. We'll try to answer some more questions after this.

Sweet. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. She let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app.

Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames-A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area.

But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful.

Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today.

You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelphelp.com

slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift to the fire. I'm coming. Gross.

You know, we were just talking about this and I said long underwear. Yeah. You said that's good. No, everybody knows to wear long underwear. You said you never wore long underwear when you lived in New York. That's right.

So now that is my advice. I'm surprised. You were so conscious of the weather. Yeah. The long underwear helped when I was outside, but then when I was inside, I didn't like the feeling of it. So it was always like a give and take.

I'm like, all right, my legs will be a little colder when I'm getting to where I need to go. But then when I was there, I preferred short underwear. What did it feel like? Or was it just because it was hot? It was too hot

and it was itchy all the way down my legs. Uniqlo makes really nice long underwear that does not itch and actually feels really great. Would you say the majority of men and women, you know, wear long underwear in New York during the winter? Yes.

Well, I don't know anything about the women, I guess, but I know Carnell, my brother, Jeff and Dave. Well, Dave, I have just got basketball shorts underneath. Jeff does. Jeff wears many layers. We're like sweatpants and jeans.

He layers up. Sweatpants under jeans. Yeah, he used to. Or jeans under sweatpants. No, he used to do mesh shorts, sweatpants, jeans. Jorts skirt killed. Dave, I don't know.

He doesn't always wear underwear, so I'm not really sure what he does. What's the best equivalent for legs? That's what Dave does. Oh, a girdle? No, a chaps. He'll wear asphalt chaps over the thighs, under the kilt,

over the jeans, under the sweats. Dave would so wear chaps. He would absolutely wear chaps. So long underwear is your advice if you happen to not be wearing long underwear. Yeah, and I think, I don't want to like shout out a specific brand, but fuck it, Uniqlo.

Unless they're willing to pay, yeah. Yeah, Uniqlo makes real... Oh, I actually got some Mack Weldon ones, too. Interesting. Are they tight? We're a Me Undies fam. That's right. Are they tight from your ankle to your waist,

or is it a little flowy like pajamas? They're slightly flowy. They're not skin tight. They're not as tight as boxer briefs. Right, right, no. I mean, they're like tight. They're tight around the ankles. They're probably like a pair.

Yeah, they're like a slightly loose pair of leggings. What's your threshold? When are you wearing the short undies versus long undies? I wear them every single day. Regardless of the temp? Yeah, well, I mean, it's always... 8 degrees or 40? Yeah, if it's, I mean, if it's below 50, I...

50? No, if it... That's a spring day. Yeah, it was like 48, 47 degrees. Like, on Sunday, I was like, oh, I could wear regular underwear. I was like, but why would I even risk being a tiny bit cold? I'm going outside.

I'm gonna wear long underwear. 68 degrees out, 75. You might as well. Long underwear is the new normal. If you're wearing a light jacket, you should wear long underwear. Okay, now we're talking advice, baby. What if you're ever wearing pants you wear long underwear?

Your underwear should be as long as the pants you wear. That's not crazy. Pants are very... Like, wind will rip right through pants. They're permeable. Yeah, it's weird. You layer up so much from the waist up. Shirt, sweatshirt, jacket.

So thick, like hoodie... That's just to keep your vital organs warm. Right. And then from the waist down, it's like, I hope this thin layer of denim's enough. Nope, your legs are instantly frozen. What's the coldest it's been in New York since you've been back? I missed today, but it was like 12 degrees today.

That's... I think it was probably... There's one day it got down to like 17. We're recording this during the polar vortex, we should say. Which I flew out the morning of the polar vortex. But it's mostly in the Midwest where it's like negative 30 in Minnesota and Chicago. It's fucking insane. I am curious.

I remember the coldest I'd ever seen or experienced was during a show in Minnesota and it was like negative five. And that was so cold I couldn't even like wait outside for an Uber. Yeah. Was it like fucking November too? Yeah. December. It wasn't even the thick of winter.

Yeah. And now it's... What's 30 degrees colder than that? I mean, I was outside even just this morning. I think it was probably like 10 degrees or something like that. And I was like waiting for my car and I was breaking down some cardboard boxes. And I like, they didn't have a very heavy jacket because I was coming to LA and I didn't want to bring one.

And I didn't have gloves or anything. So I'm like outside breaking boxes. I'm like, this will take five minutes. And I like, it felt like... What is that book? What's that book by Jesus Christ? By George R. R. Martin. No, no, no.

Yeah. The King Anus one? No. Like the one with the guy that freezes to death outside. Oh, The Shining? No, no. Not The Shining. The Giving Tree?

No. Not The Giving Tree. This is gonna fucking... Freakin' on it. It's like Jack London or something. Jack Call of the Wild? Maybe Call of the Wild? Yeah.

It's like the same guy that did Call of the Wild. I think it's like a short story. Okay. I almost said Jack Frost. What was the one about Frosty the snowman? But it's like about this hunter who's like out in the woods. He's like, he knows it. It's so cold and he like doesn't have a lot of time to basically...

Like he falls into a river. Maybe he doesn't have a lot of time to survive. Right. He's got like three matches and he like tries to light some brush with the match and it doesn't catch. He tries the second one and it doesn't catch. He's like trying really hard but like now his fingers are shaking. Like hypothermia is setting in.

He like can't light the third match and he dies out there. That's what happened to you this morning with the boxes. I felt like... I was like cutting the tape with my keys and I like got through the first part of the box and I was like getting through the second but then it was like the cold started to hit me and I like was losing my strength. I couldn't talk through the box. Wait, does that mean you're wearing long underwear right now?

No. I think I knew I was coming to LA so I just like didn't bundle it up at all. My thought was that I was going right from my doorstep into the Uber. That's your problem. Yeah. But that's how I always felt in New York. I'm like I'm always going to be indoors. I'm going to be in a car, in a subway, in an office.

Yeah but I mean you used to have such a long walk from when you were on first and first and the office was in Union Square. You would do that entire walk? No. I would take the subway. The longest walk was from the IAC building on 18th in the West Side Highway to the Eltrain which is like a 10 minute walk in and of itself. Right.

Throw a wind tunnel. Yeah. But then you had to go through Chelsea Market which made it slightly better. Yeah. You get a one avenue respite. Yeah. Man so you would just like all right fuck it I'll deal with the cold. Yeah.

I don't think I ever wore long underwear. I wore long underwear but the IAC building used to get so hot that I kept underwear at my desk and I would sometimes change. Switch underwear. Yeah. So what we need, this is like a Twin Innovation episode, is like shades how you can rise and lower them, version of underwear. Yeah.

Sort of like the zip off cargo pants that turn into cargo shorts. Yeah. But for underwear. It's long underwear that you can sort of like once you get to your destination you reach up through the bottom of your pant and just pull them off like you're doing a magic trick on a dining room table. Yeah. That seems like it should be a work.

We'll think about it. Anyway, we're long underwear I guess if it's cold out. Yeah. All right. Let's see what else we got here. Questions to answer. Oh, we should say that we're having a show in New York that's sold out on March 7th followed by a show that is not yet sold out on March 9th.

How about that? How about that? So tickets are still available at jaconamere.com. I don't think there's a lot either. I love DC. I like going there. It'll be a fun one. It'll be our first shows in a while.

Yeah. The last show that we had. God, it must have been eight years ago in England. Eight years. We did the show this summer in England. That makes sense. All right. Here's one.

This is one from another dude. Who else you got in that King Anus book of yours? I don't want to say King Magor because he was King Magor the cruel. So let's say John Dickhole, D-Y-Q-H-O-O-L-E. Oh man, that's good. No, we'll go with King Anus' son, Jaehaerys. Who? King Anus' son, Jaehaerys.

Jaehaerys Anus? No, Jaehaerys Targaryen, dude. Why don't they have the same last name? Well, his name is Anus Targaryen. Got it. Anus' son, Jaehaerys. Jaehaerys writes. Look at that.

I'm a 17-year-old guy who got out of my first serious relationship four months ago. So my friends thought it would be a good idea to set me up with a prom date within the friend group. And I got matched up with her, which I did not complain about. Not too long after this plan was made, it was broken up due to conflicts within the group between people. But I still want to take her to prom. And since she is a sophomore, I have reason to because she can't go unless a junior takes her. Shouldn't be a problem, right? Wrong.

She pees. So what? You might be saying everyone pees. Yes, but she pees randomly whenever she laughs really hard. This means at least twice a month when we are hanging out with friends, she pisses herself, sometimes in public. She peed at my house both times she's been there with me. Now, I know that this seems like a very manageable problem and it's not a big deal because a couple of the girls that are now mad at her made a pact that if she goes, they will make 100% sure she pisses herself at prom.

So she will soil her dress, be really upset and want me to take her home most likely thus concluding my prom night and my chances of getting ahead. Oh, God. Jesus. I am all over the place on this question. My question to you is this. Should I risk taking this sweet girl that I'm interested to in prom even though she might piss herself and make my friends hate me? Any and all advice is appreciated. Thanks, love.

Jaehaerys? Jaehaerys. And Jaehaerys would never behave this way. Jaehaerys to conciliate her. Okay. She pees? That's fine. When laughs?

I'm more concerned with like the environment that you're bringing her into like where like a bunch of girls have made a pact to embarrass her publicly. And quote, make her pee. Make 100% sure she pisses herself. I would absolutely get like, knock that plan down before you try to bring her to prom. How do you make sure that other people don't? If they're your friends just go and be like, hey, I really like this girl. Please don't try to make her piss herself at prom. Yeah.

That's a really sadistic thing to do. Thank you. Right. You don't let them win to be like, all right, fine. I won't take her and subject her to this thing. But then it's like, okay, then the bad guys won. Right. You don't want that either.

You want to take her and then be 100% on her side, on her team. But I think that you do want to take her. Don't let them win. But I would like, nip this in the butt as really as possible. That's cool. Nip it in the butt like King Anus style. Yeah. That's what's up.

King Anus. King Anus would not have appreciated a queen that acted in the way that his friends are acting. That's why he married his sister. Huh? King Anus married his sister. Why? That's fine to George because he's the blood of the dragon.

All of the Targaryens wed brother to sister. Does that mean their kids have their kids get married? King Anus had a bunch of kids, including Jaehaerys and Allyssan, who are brother and sister, and they wed and married each other. Does incest not breed birth defects in this game of thrones? Not when you're the blood of Old Valyria. It does not. It probably does for a normal mortal man.

But the Targaryens are sort of like held a higher regard. They want to keep their bloodline pure. So, in the pilot of Game of Thrones, when it's revealed that the brother and sister are fucking. They're not Targaryens. They're not Targaryens. So that's another brother. Also, this is 300 years before.

During Game of Thrones, incest is bad. And 300 years earlier, incest is still bad, but it's okay if the Targaryens do it. Got it. So everyone's like, it's fine if you guys are fucking. Yeah. And then it's like, those are the Lannisters that were fucking. Right. And that's bad.

Because they're not from the drag of Valyria. They're the Andals. Yeah. Got it. Andals can't be fucking each other. Okay. Moving back to the real world. Anyway, can I do a hot dog and tater tots?

This is off the kids menu, right? Right. Chicken stars and waffle fries. Chicken stars. What a bad shape for a piece of chicken to be. I really need it to be in the shape of a star. Yeah, we put it into a slurry, shaped it into a star and deep fried that. Dinosaur potatoes.

So this person should still take her to the prom, even though these evil stepsisters promise to make her pee herself, which I don't even know how they would do. I don't think he should take her if they're going to do that. I think he's got to go and be like, I've already bought the corsage. I want to go to prom with this girl, but I'm not going to do it if you guys are going to ruin her life. So knock it off. Don't do it. Quit it. Cool it.

Okay. We got one more question, which is linked up to a follow-up pup. Remember a couple of weeks, months ago, there was this lady who was dating a guy who was going on a five-week backpacking trip through Asia, and he was like, let's have an open relationship while I'm in Asia. And then she's like, I don't want to be in an open relationship when he's in Asia. Yeah. She said he's probably going to be hooking up in Asia, regardless of if you're an open relationship. That's right. So she emailed us and said, hey, it's me again.

I was the one with a boyfriend who wanted to have an open relationship while he was in Asia. Wanted to update you. A follow-up pup, if you will. Well, he's back. We both remained faithful while he was away and both kind of realized that's what's important here. Things are great and I am thankful. However, yes, baby. We have some additional questions.

Is it weird that he still has pictures of ex-girlfriends on his Instagram that he refuses to delete? I keep saying it's weird and that I don't like the message they portray, but he says I'm overreacting, so I've tried to drop it. What are your thoughts? Also, is it weird that him and his mother are still very close with one of his exes? He was with her for nine years, but they have been apart for four. I get that they have a strong history, but is this strange? Additionally, I recently found five SD cards full of her nudes and their sex tape from when they were younger. Is it weird to keep that shit?

Because I am pissed as fuck about it. And again, he refuses to get rid of any of these, even though I have asked him to, and he said that I am upset by it. What items that I discussed above am I allowed to feel weird about or bothered slash upset by? Any insights are helpful. I love you and thank you. Love? Well, I don't know. I forgot what he would call her.

I think this relationship is poison. I think you guys should break up. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say, man. What do you do with past ex-girlfriends on Instagram? Those can stay up. Do you still have exes on Instagram? Yeah.

Those just stay up forever? Yeah, I guess so. I'm not going to scroll all the way to the bottom of my feet and delete. I don't know. I feel like Instagram is sort of like, it's like a journal of your life, all the places that you've been and things that you did. And I don't think that exes, I don't know. It's not like embarrassing. It's just part of your past, whatever.

And then also, if you date somebody for nine years, that's your parents. People forge bonds. And I think it's weird if they're super close, but I think they could stay in touch. That's normal. The SD card and the porn and the sex tape thing. I think that stuff is like, I can understand hanging on to it if you're not thinking about it. But once your girlfriend finds it and asks you to get rid of it, you definitely have to get rid of it. After backing it up to the cloud.

Yeah, have the decency to lie about it. Yeah, put it on a draw box. You take the SD cards, you put it in the draw box and you're like, you know what, these SD cards are meaningless to me now. They're in the cloud. What's that? Oh, saying that I'm too proud. Too proud about you. You have exes on your Instagram, right?

I must. You've never deleted, you've never like gone back. I think that's something people do if they are hurt by an ex. Right, like get the fuck out of my mind, get out of my life, get out of my Instagram account. You've never like gone back and deleted a photo? No, I don't think so. What do you think the mindset is when you're doing that? Like of the person deleting or of the person asking to delete?

Yeah, of you. What would make you go back and delete, have photo of an ex or something? Like, oh fuck this person. Right. They broke up with me. I'm not going to display this picture of me smiling with them. Yeah. So if you're mad about it.

Yeah, I guess so. But then if you leave it on and then the new girlfriend says that she's uncomfortable, that gets into a stickier situation because then you're like, all right, I'll delete it for you. Right. Does that make you happy that I'm doing it for you? Yeah, that's weird. And then the porn on the SD card is completely separate. Yeah. I would be mad if he wouldn't delete it.

He refuses to get rid of them. It's all sorts of messed up. And then when she says, which one of them above am I allowed to feel weird about? The thing is you're allowed to feel weird about anything. Right. It's just whether or not the person that you're with agrees or disagrees with your anger. If he's bothered by your being bothered. The problem is when you guys both are upset by the other person's actions, like he's upset that you're upset and you're upset at that upset and that's what creates these longer.

Right. Then it's like, are we even talking about the Instagram anymore? I wouldn't be. I'd be talking just about the sex tape that he won't delete. I will say that not deleting an Instagram is a lot more reasonable than not deleting a porn he shot with an ex. Yeah. Why do you want to keep the porn around? Because that's hot.

That's true. Why doesn't he put the porn on the Instagram, delete the SD card? You'd get flagged immediately. Not if nobody's looking at it. That's true. Yeah. How long do you think just a lay person could get away with just posting straight smut? It matters how many followers that person has.

Right. Like if it's just two. And they don't flag it. I should be able to just like find porn on Instagram, right? Yeah. Like does it have to get reported or are there bots that scrub for images that look like porn? Let's see if I can find porn on Instagram. Find porn on Instagram.

Let's sort of like, that's a fucking tag. Porn art. Porn. Anything yet? Well, Pornhub asked in Instagram, but it doesn't. Yeah. Obviously that's not, that's pretty censored. Wow, they have five million followers.

And that's just censored porn. Yeah. Jesus. Imagine if they were allowed to express themselves creatively and sexually. There should be, I mean, I guess there probably is, but like what's just a straight up porn Instagram or porn like, what's like the Instagram that porn is allowed to use? You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like at what point? Tumblr, I think. But now Tumblr got rid of porn. They did? Yeah. In a website slash apps life, do they make the decision? Yes, porn is okay or no porn is not? Because Twitter is, they have porn.

Yeah. Twitter, you can have porn. It's fine. Instagram, no porn. Bad. Facebook? Porn or no porn? No porn.

No porn. I'll say no porn. There should be a website that says what websites and apps allow you to have porn? Yeah. What if Google was like, hey, we're, we don't want to do porn anymore. Right. Everybody would throw, everybody would be so fast on Bing. Bing, the porn engine.

All right. So this is, there's a lot of stuff for you to unpack with your lover. It goes deeper than just whether or not you're in an open relationship with, during when he's in Asia. Why don't you deal with it for the next six months, send us another follow up pup. Yeah. Well, let's keep on following up, but I'm going to go on record and say your relationship proved me wrong.

Prove me wrong. I want you to. All right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. Thanks for writing in. The opening theme song was written by Maddie.

This closing one was written by Danny Steele. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all to, if I were you show at gmail.com. We're in New York on March 7th. We're in DC on March 9th. Come on by and hang out with us during these live shows. They're going to be fun ones and we're still making videos for our Patreon at patreon.com.j.a. Every other week is a new, if I were you, that we also do a record on video so you can watch us there.

We're also talking EPL, baby. That's right. I'm a big Bonermouth fan these days. Bournemouth. Huh? We'll talk about it on the podcast. We're talking soccer slash football slash English Premier League on our Patreon as well. All right.

Thanks so much for listening and we'll be back next week. Ciao. Later. Take and damage me while they made a podcast. If I were you is the name of the show. Take and damage me while they made a podcast. If I were you is the name of the show. Take and damage me while they made a podcast.

If I were you is the name of the show.