If I Were You - 37: The FriendZone

Episode Date: November 14, 2013

In this episode we discuss coincidences, confidences, and why the infamous "friend zone" doesn't actually exist.This BONUS Thursday episode is made possible thanks to LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

When you need advice, we'll deliver publishing You can't go disaster, no, you're in the profile's lane You don't need to get tests for STDs Just hold on, text and pass an overburn in the bathroom Seize the cheese, so if I were you I'm a beast and I would die if I were you Text and girls get straight hard if I were you I'd say, yo, do you

Yo, yo, do you? That was Chandler That was Chandler Bing, I think And this is Chandler Bong himself It's not a very popular comedy-nerd thing to say But I think Friends is one of the funniest shows ever Yeah, it really is And it's sort of broad and mainstream

But it's also really, really funny It's not cool, but I think I'm gonna go on a limb and say I like Friends I think Friends is actually funnier than Seinfeld And I think you've said enough Wow, that was so hot Yeah, you're authority now The way you rose your voice You pulled my hair back when you said that

Oh, god Shit, no, I'm actually Easy, easy does it Hey, welcome to If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us I'm Amir And I'm Josh, trying it on Jake, I'm Jake

Unfortunately for me, I'm still this I've tried out introducing myself as Josh And it didn't take I'm not willing to give up When I get ready to go out I look in the mirror and I call myself Josh Why? I don't know, it's just something I do

I'm like, hey, I'm Josh Hey, Josh, that's how I practice introducing myself As Josh Yeah, when I'm trying on clothes I'm like, hey, Josh What a weird thing to do Josh should never be as candid as you are now Yeah, Josh is the guy I want to be

And Jake is unfortunately the guy that I am Jake is Josh's evil twin And uh-oh, it's me Holy shit, unfortunately I'm stuck as Jake Pretending to be Josh Yeah, sorry pal, you're doing a podcast with an evil twin A doppelganger, if you will That's not fun

That's not fair to you or Josh Yeah, but Josh might be cooler But he's not as good of a podcast host Because he doesn't have these demons that you're battling Yeah, that's true Yeah, that's true You're right, man, I am a boss I didn't say that, I said you're psychologically on edge

I appreciate that you think I'm a beast in the podcast Regardless I didn't say that either You absolutely did I said you're, for whatever reason, so candid about Your inner demons that it comes off as entertaining So I appreciate it I am a demon

Like an inner demon Oh yeah, I'm battling my inner demons, yeah My inner demons won, and now I'm just a demon That's what demons are Demons are humans where the inner demon won Yup, yeah, the battle's over I lost the battle, lost the war I have become a demon

And the thing is, it was a genocide, I think, of the angels So there's no coming back from that I accept who I am I accept what I am Inside I am scorched earth, nothing more The bad side has more than one It has repopulated the earth And there's a new sect of more evil people

That is currently waging a battle against another evil They're normally been ever a resistance Never They didn't put up a fight because I guess they're pacifist It was like the angels saw the demons Just laid down and allowed them to like Drive a tank over their faces And now I'm a piece of shit

So what happened with other people? In my brain, it's just angels on a swing Unable to talk to girls or do anything like Whoa, let's chill out The demons that attack your angels are just like They're like flies that the angels are on a swing They just swat away the demons They're like, hey, you should get french fries

No Mine is like, oh, go after your friend's ex I'll oppose Seinei Didn't think so Mine is like four angels playing badminton doubles And a little angel or a little devil fly Buzzes up and they all just destroy it with their racket Alright, let's keep playing boys

Mine is a demon walks up to an angel It looks like there's gonna be a fight But then the angel unzips its face And it's a bigger demon Shit, man, I never had angels to begin with Oh, no, it was always a demon Fuck your friend's ex Thanks mom and dad

You were supposed to raise me with angels And turns out you didn't give me Jack's squat Yeah, whatever, whatever, innate good Most people are born with, I got Jack's shit Nature and nurture both teaming up against me How is that fair? I never had a fighting chance How does the podcast work? I'm like, at this point I'm crying

I think I'm sad, I really do This is the earliest in the podcast I've ever, you know, just slipped into self-loathing The hating of who I am Well, I think it's because we're recording on Sunday night Which is the pinnacle of the time of the week that's self-loathing Yeah, this is the worst Because last night, last night at this time I was king of the world

Yeah, you were Josh I thought I was, yeah, I was, well no, Josh Josh would be like, in reading I was Jake last night I was a complete piece of shit, I was just like, oh man, I'm a god Let's go out, let's get drunk, let's fucking meet chicks And now, on Sunday night, the August of times I just want to have somebody's hand to hold on the couch

That's it, all I want is just to be You know what your problem is, you exist in two different universes Yeah Unfortunately, the week is not all Sunday nights Nor is it all Saturday nights Yeah, they quote, you know, Tuesday's pretty chill, not actually Wednesday, get wild, Thursday's crazy, Friday's Usually it's like two days of weekend, five days of week

But lately you've been operating on the exact opposite schedule Which is a five-day weekend and then two days of recovery Yeah, well that's, yeah, that's true I guess we'll go out, we went out pretty hard on Wednesday Yeah, oh, after our live podcast Yeah, we got sauced We didn't eat dinner Yeah, we got liquored up a little bit

Did we not eat dinner, is that what it was? No, we did not eat dinner We didn't eat dinner and then we just drank whiskey And that's what happens The end So, how does this podcast work? We basically talk about why Jake's a piece of shit Dissected for half an hour and maybe get to a question

No, just kidding People find themselves in difficult places in their lives And they don't have anybody to turn to So they email us at ifirusho at gmail.com We comb through the thousands and thousands of emails that we get Choose three to five every episode And do our best attempt to answer them To advise them out of their terrible place

It's a flawless, flawless explanation You know, that's the best one you've ever done I'll give you the credit of coming up with the idea We didn't know what our podcast should be And Jake said an advice podcast Yeah And I was a little worried because we're not experts in anything Nope

Luckily, that's what makes the show entertaining Because we are so out of our element Yeah, we're so dumb Yeah, nobody wants to see an expert answer questions We might as well be, like, I modeled it Well, in my mind, I wanted it to be like car talk But they're experts Yeah, but like, we might as well do a car talk podcast

How stupid we are It's like, hey, there's a problem with my 1992 Chrysler Sebring We're like, oh, let's just make fun of the way he wrote the email Well, let's not completely show these people how the sausage is made That's true Where's Sebring's made in 1992? I'm probably thinking of a labyrinth Either way, it's a Chrysler

To be sure To be sure So, let's get started Let's answer our first email And we're gonna give this person a fake name Though it's a real email And we're gonna give him a fake name to preserve his Anonymity

Anonymity Here we go Ready? Yes Hey dudes I'm in high school So there's this minx that I like I have two classes with her

And we have a lot in common And get along very well I asked her friend to ask this girl casually Without being overbearing If she would entertain the idea of hooking up with me She told her friend that she likes me too much as a friend Where do I go from here? I still like her and she likes me

But only as a good friend How can I win her over and seduce her? Also, when I asked this girl to dinner one night She agreed then said she was sick and bailed I'm lost, scared, and more than confused Thanks Bugs Bugs, I can clear this up for you real quick

Yeah Sounds like a no-go And your question of how do I seduce her Is um, you don't I don't know But she still likes him as a friend He actually editorialized his own He said good friend

Yeah The friend was like, oh sorry, no She likes you too much as a friend And he was like, alright, I appreciate that I'm a good friend No, I didn't say that I just said she liked you too much as a friend Right

As in she's not attracted to you Like you as a friend is the polite way of saying I'm not attracted to you Right, which is like I have so many emails that are like I'm in the friend zone with this chick She friend-zoned me What do I do?

Like dude, that's not That's such a nice polite way of just being like Ugh The not hook up zone She thinks I'm ugly What do I do? I'm in the ugly zone I think Where she puts people that are ugly

Yeah, she doesn't like my face or personality How do I do this? How do I get past her not liking my face? Oh, you can't There's no breaking out of the friend zone Because the friend zone isn't a real thing Your hideousness What's a more accurate

That's a more accurate title Actually, I've broken out of the friend zone before Really? Yeah The girl is like, sorry, I only like you as a friend I think you wear her down Like erosion You do just that

You have to be patient That's all it is You know it's a very attractive quality Being chill Yeah, not giving a shit when you get rejected Yeah And it's not taking failure well Like you can get a little bummed when you fail

But I was talking about Yeah, but when you're rejected The best most attractive thing you can do Is at least pretend like you don't give a shit Right And at best actually not give a shit Best is actually not giving a shit Yeah

For sure Because when you see someone who gets rejected And they stew and they're angry And they're jealous and they're bitter That's the bad move That's like that validation of like Oh man, yeah It's a good thing I rejected that person

Yeah, because he's crazy You know, there was one time I did this like maybe last summer But I would like Cancel plans I would like cancel on girls Just to see how they reacted Oh that's good

You're like an evil scientist Yeah You're like tinkering with these mice here You're growing an ear on the back of their spine Oh congrats dude You pointed out that I was an asshole Oh shit Oh my goodness

I'm a jerk I think If I I'm glad that you told me I'm glad Yeah, now I'll change The problem is that I can't I already know I'm a jerk The problem is that you won't

It's not that you can't Anyway, the story goes Three out of three girls failed I canceled on this girl and she was so cool about it But I wanted to like go out with her that night I was like oh shit Now I changed my mind We should go out

I like you Yeah, the worst It's weird because you grow up thinking Oh, have some perseverance Go for it Do it Give it your all When somebody tells you no

Don't take that for an answer Right, it's like oh it's super cool to be like To be a go getter Yeah No, it's actually Well like it's different in dating Cause like if you're in a job If you ask for a promotion and they're like no

Then it does look cool to like You go back in the next month You work really hard and you go back and ask again But with a girl it's like super not normal The best way to get her is to act chill Yeah, act chill Act so chill that you actually become chill Mmm

You know like a lot of people say If you fake laugh for long enough You'll start laughing Yeah Or if you like just Pretend that you're over someone Until it actually becomes the norm Fake until you make it

That's weird advice to give on a podcast right Hey man Don't do you Give up Don't do you Don't do you I think yeah We'll separate all of these

But the advice is to either you do use Or don't do you Or do the new you Do the new you Which is you know what She wants me as a friend Okay, fine, next Yeah

I want to be with someone who Actually does want me I don't want to I don't want to have to win someone over It could have been the way you phrased the question Which is like do you Would you maybe consider hooking up with him Yeah

Not like going on a date with him Like hanging, I don't know Yeah, you can learn from this mistake But move it on to a different lady You don't have to work on this girl Yeah, I wouldn't even like Yeah, don't Which is easy for us to say

Right Of course What was the last time you were rejected? By like in what sense Like you fired a bullet You swung about as you said Didn't happen Like I asked a girl out on a date and she said no

Yeah Or you asked a girl to meet you one night And she's like no Well like that happens all the time And you how do you react to that I don't care You've become the cool guy Well like I mean like when you're out and you're like

Oh like I'm drunk I'm like trying to meet up with people And like you text, you know You text someone and they're texting you And then like you end up just going home Or like you meet somebody else And you just, I don't know I think that's like

That's micro rejection Yeah, cause like I'll sometimes reject people And then like sometimes they'll reject me And it's sort of like this ebb and flow And then sometimes we meet up Right Well I think it's like 2009 I asked someone on a date and they said

Yes And then they canceled How dare they Yeah And you were beat up about it I was pretty sad And did you say What why

How can you didn't You didn't, what you just changed your mind I can change too Well let's figure this out Well yeah And then I asked all of her friends Yeah How do you put in a good word for me

I stood outside I'd like to seduce her I stood outside her window Like John Cusack And say anything But I held up the boom box And nothing was coming out So I tried to press play

And then your shoulder starts It slipped Yeah It clipped me And it clipped me in the eye And then like she came out just then And like I was my I was bleeding

And I started crying a little bit And then like this dude Like this dude came over He was like I thought he was going to help me I was like hey please please Like my eye I think I think I scratched my cornea

And he like And then he just like fucking He just dug his hands in my pocket Took my phone Took my wallet He took like Like he took my keys And like you can't do it

Like that's my That's my apartment keys You don't even know where I live Please at least leave me the keys He chucked them Like into a tree It was crazy And like the way

I don't know It was either serendipity Or fate Or an act of God But the ring he actually Went perfectly around a twig Like an ornament Ornate

Serendipity by the way Another John Cusack movie Which I tried to recreate So I went into this girls library And I wrote in every single book Which I think he does in that movie I wrote like a little note Like with my number

And yes she She called the police Because I guess I had like Broke and entered And then I was like Also defacing her property So I don't know Yes you do

I took rejection hard that day That was a bad day That was a bad day For show Alright so our advice To this guy is Move on Move on.org

Yeah Yeah That's right Alright next question Next Let's call this guy Daffy Duck Daffy Duck right

How does he write? That's all That's not That's not Daffy Duck Yeah dude Suffer and fuck attack That's so bad for the cat That's through the cat

Yeah I thought I thought I'll put the cat What does that sound like? Yeah that's tags Elmer Fudd is like Yeah What's up That's bugs

That's bugs This really is like This really is like What I do with my little cousins Where it's like You like purposely get things wrong We're out And the dog says

Move No That's the first joke It really is Yeah it's like the disconnect Between what an animal actually says And who it is That's the first joke

That you learn And you're still telling it Yeah I love that one I love the dog move one I'm going to use that as a Tinder joke for no one Yeah when we go out on the road I think I'm going to open with that

I think I'm going to say Welcome The dog says move And then I'm going to You know it's a pretty Pretty solid opening on Tinder And if people do this And screenshot it

Send it to me And let us know if it works If I were you show at gmail.com So you say So you write Knock knock And like Obviously

Obviously Who's not going to respond to Knock knock joke And they write Who's there And you write Interrupting cow And then

They write back Interrupting cow And you say shit And you write back Move Fuck That is a good one Thank you

Have you used it No I just came up with that I'm going to I'm definitely going to I'm going to swipe as soon as We're done Just so I can use it tonight That way like a girl would

Know that you're funny Yeah That's true And since you're attractive And funny They'd want to meet up with you Yeah And then when we meet up

And I'm attractive And funny And I pay for the drinks With my index You're suddenly Uh oh I'm three for three I'm funny

I'm attractive And I'm rich Yeah shit I'm a baller Oh my god They hear the podcast And I'm all of a sudden

Talking about all the girls That I'm fucking And I get a text That says Hey I don't know What you think I am But

I lied to you It was an omission of the truth And they say That's considered a lie And then I say Is it And then I say Knock knock

You diva You're really not going to Respond to that Let's start over Interrupting you Interrupting you who Interrupting a you who Board meeting

Alright Ready? Yep Interrupting a you who Board me Yeah they're talking about Remark like Rebranding their

Sort of Their new drink Yeah like a white Chocolate drink Actually this episode is Brought to you by you who No it's actually brought It's brought to you by

Legal Zoom Legal Zoom Yeah it sounds like you who Very interesting Another delicious beverage I know You still don't know What any of our sponsors do

Very nice You lovable idiot You lovable lovable man Alright ready? Yep Hey guys Love the show I'm a

I'm What? I'm early 20s And I have been with My girl for 5 years Jake would probably Cringe at this Everything is sweet

Mad lovin She cooks Cleans Active and funny And in with her Was no problemo But the other day In the car

I thought I saw her Pick her nose But I wasn't sure Forgetting about it Until we were on the couch later I turned to laugh And there was definitely A pick

And it wasn't just a Rim job It was in This isn't enough To break up a great Relationship But it's also bugging me Daffy

What? What sort of Stuck up relationship Is this 5 years in? This isn't enough This isn't enough To break up a great Relationship

Yeah Of course not Yeah We know what Breaking up is about But there is a disconnect Because I don't even think That's enough to

Write into the podcast About It's insane It's 5 years And you just saw Her pick her nose Now

By 5 years You should be Shitting while She showers While she's eating Greek yogurt on the toilet Yeah At 5 years

5 years You're pissing In her face Yeah At 5 years You're masturbating While she's watching The Oxygen Network

And you're both On the couch She's eating popcorn And you're just cranking it Yeah Cranking it Porn on Not even

Headphones Very loud Very violent At 5 years It's an open book 5 years Yeah Picking noses

Oh my gosh How long does it take For you to like Fart in front of a girl A month or two A month or two Yeah Like I'll do it

I'm not holding it in Forever I waited 4 years once 4 years For one fart I'm just kidding Yeah

But it is There is like There are those little Steps in relationships You should be happy That she's picking her nose In front of you And you know

Also concerned That she finally became Yeah If anything It's a little alarming That you waited 5 years But now that the romance Is completely dead

I figure she thinks Okay Flood gates are open Dude You never pick your nose You never pick your nose We both pick our noses I mean

We like Me and you shameless Pick our nose Like it's disgusting What we do We dig We dig And flick

We dig Yeah We dig We roll We roll And roll And flick Wow

Was that a new high Or a new low Get out of my basement Oh my God Yeah No Of course Holy shit

You're throwing me out Guys What the fuck is that They can't help you now Help I'm just I'm concerned Cause she picked her nose

And I And I fear What's gonna come next Is she's She's picking the inside Of her asshole She's just flicking Crusty

Poop across the apartment Some dingled berries She's just rubbing Her Her ass across the carpet Like a dog or something I'm afraid she'll start Snail trailing

The entire place Oh no Hashtag Snail trail You got it Like you gotta Chill man You gotta

Let her do you This is like a Seinfeldian Yeah So She picked her nose She There was a pig

There was a pig There was a Seinfeldian Oh yeah She like She sees a cab He's in a He's in a He's in a cab

And he's like scratching his nose Yeah And like the girl He's dating like sees him And she's like Yeah and he's like No no no It wasn't picking

I wasn't picking The real surprise should be That like She pulled up in a cab Next to someone She was dating That's pretty crazy Yeah what are the odds

That never happened That's what the episode Should have been about I remember When I was When I was visiting New York Before I moved here And my cousin

Lived here Yeah then what Yeah anyway Tell me what happened after I feel like now It's like The story's so anticomacting That the joke would be

Interrupting you to hear more It's funnier than the It's funnier than the Wow shit Then what We pulled up And then We were on the sixth train

Oh I'm gonna get this And We pulled into Yeah The station And like right in front of the The station Okay

My cousin Just like I was on the train He was right in front of the door Yeah And I was like Oh hey Pete And he was like This is insane

And I was like Ah what's up Yeah I'm in New York He's like No it doesn't work like that Yeah This is crazy that I'm seeing you I hate when people don't

React to coincidences As much as they should Yeah Like I'm trying to think of A good example Oh I meet someone At a party

Like is your birthday January 3rd She's like Yeah I just guessed it I guessed it correctly And you're just like Yeah

No no no no That is a fucking miracle I'm a psychic now And you don't seem to give I just Professor X to you And you don't give it At all of his shit No

And then the worst is like You guessed something correctly And somebody's like You probably just subconsciously read it before Like no I didn't read it before How dare you Fucking guessed How dare you

I did not read it I guessed the capital of whatever And it was correct That's insane Yeah But now you probably knew it Well I mean if you If you think you guessed the capital

Okay that was a little bit I just learned it I understand that one I swear to God I swear to God I didn't know Hartford was a city Until I fucking said it I just fucking made up the word

Hartford And they were like Yeah That's amazing You uh That's a The capital You got it

Yeah Bad example on that But you know what I mean I got you I got you Here's another good example I was in a Another good example You just came up with one bad example

I was So here's a good example A good example I was in an NFL pick league last year Where you pick every single game And then what And then At the end of the year

I realized At the end of the year My friend realized That we had picked every single Tampa Bay game correctly We were 16 and 0 To call 16 coin flips in a row Is astronomically impossible

Like in the mill One in millions Very cool Nobody Yeah it doesn't It doesn't seem like a hard thing Nice And um

You don't get it Cool man If I tell you to call Heads or Tails To pick it correctly 16 times in a row We could do that a million times And odds are it wouldn't happen

No not me dude I would get that I really would I'd figure it out I know Alright let's do it right now Flip a coin right now Alright I don't have a coin

But like uh Let me Flip anything Yeah I'll call it I'll call it correctly Three times in a row Here we go Okay three times

By the way do you know the odds Of choosing Getting a correct Coin flip Three times in a row 50% I love that The look in your eyes

I feel like An idiot trying to be smart 50% I got it 50% each time It's like in that Breaking Bad episode Where Walt's like

And you know The medal we need is And Jesse's like Oh Wire And yeah the last element Yeah Oh the same episode

Jesse is like Could you like Build a robot Or like Or make something Make a battery And then Walt is like He like stands up

He's like Yeah let's Let's do it Like get me this This He's like What are we doing It was your idea

He's like A robot God that show's so good Alright here we go Flipping a coin You getting three correct One in eight Ready for this

Yep First one Heads I'm gonna edit out the fact That I dropped the coin You cannot find it right now We don't know where it went Are you flipping it

Are you gonna flip it on your hand It was heads Heads Right off the bat Two more ready Yep Tails Catch it once dude

You said tails Yeah It was heads Bullshit You didn't catch it This is just a two hour podcast Of us doing this So anyway

Our advice is Heads, heads, tails I think What is Yeah wait Our advice to this dude Is just get over it I mean holy shit She picked her nose

If she's great Super fun Sexy There's mad loving She cooks You are in love with her I'm trying Alright let's try to relate

Try to relate Nope can't You're an asshole Yeah you suck Can you relate I mean There are like Little nitpicky things

Like I used to fart Around my exes And they would be like Hey that's disgusting Stop But like I don't know That's just like That's all you can do

Just Completely free to pick her nose Yeah At least maybe you'll feel better If you like Tell her it's gross Be like hey you're disgusting But like tees are about it

Be like playful Don't be like an actual asshole Maybe you should pick her nose Like do you like this Do you like this Like go too far Where you like cut her She's just like

Oh oh you nicked me Peter Yeah yeah yeah yeah You nicked me Oh Patti Oh she is there What's that Oh god

You pierced my sentence Ass I am an ass Ow Oh Patti You're not gonna like this But I don't like the sight of blood I know

I know Oh my god That's projectile Oh god All of a sudden She's not too gross for picking her nose You just You picked her fucking

Her skin off there And then puked on her face Didn't you Daffy This show is sponsored By BetterHelp Thank you BetterHelp If you're finding yourself In a difficult, anxious, stressful situation

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Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace The fake name I used was Peter But that's not his real name So don't worry about that, guys Yep Alright

We're about Right around the half-hour marks Let's take our little break I thought of a good thing for our break I thought of one too But I don't know What do you have? Our new styles and identities

And at Los Angeles Oh yeah, that's pretty good What was your gonna be? The what happened after the live show Oh no, we can talk about that later What? We won't talk about it We were out with people yesterday

And somebody had suspenders And just putting them on like jokingly Made me feel cool And then I'm like Oh, this is how it starts You jokingly wear something That's sort of ostentatious Streeter has a college humor article

It's really funny Oh, joke hat becomes real hat? Yeah, it's so clearly I saw it happen to him Well, that's what it is It's so many people It's sort of like you with a mustache Yeah, yeah, totally

It's like, look at this mustache Then the next time around It's like, look at this silly mustache And then the third time It's like, I have a mustache I like this mustache This is my look The hardest thing about pulling off the suspenders

Is, well, that mental leap That I have to take now Where it's not like I'm wearing these suspenders as a joke Because somebody gave them to me at a bar Or now it's like I went out and I bought suspenders I wanted to wear suspenders

And I'm wearing suspenders But I think it's a cool style If you like it, then it's like Your heart is true I really think it's true You're earnest and genuine And I think if you're pure of heart I think you can wear the suspenders

And you won't be ridiculed At the very least, you don't deserve it Because you're not doing it to be cool You're doing it because you felt cool You felt good in them And you like the way they look Well, it's just like another aesthetic Of like a fifties nerd thing

That's now like a cool thing Yeah, totally And you said your thing is going to be Sleeve tattoo Which really just goes to show you The differences between us Like I'm like, whoa Should I get a suspender?

Oh, that's kind of a big little leap And you're like, I want to permanently Make my arm colors I want to forever have colors here I really do think about just like I mean, I don't know, why not? I like the way it looks It'll look cool for 10 years

And then you'll be an old person with a sleeve tattoo I think dads with sleeves are kind of cool looking Yeah, but there are cool dads But then they're young But imagine, what about cool grandpas with sleeves? Definitely I think I only stay cool Okay, follow up question

How do you design a sleeve? That's the thing that I don't I feel like I can't walk in as a 28 year old And be like, hi, I'd like I'd like my whole arm done now What? I don't know, whatever, a sleeve Just have at it

I also have three tattoos And I regret each one of them Yeah, that's like a bad omen It doesn't bode well that I'm like All right, three bad ones And then a thousand new ones That are gonna be good, I think I'm due for a great one

And it's gonna take up my entire arm I feel like I'm just also I'm not likable, so like I feel like I walk into a tattoo parlor And I'm like, hey, can you help me design a sleeve? And they're like, yeah, no You kind of have to come in here with an idea I'm like, oh, totally, I'm sorry

I'm too intimidated to go in And talk to someone about a tattoo Well, what do you love as much So much that you would get a sleeve of I think like, the problem is Your loves are just like text messages My forearm is like the tinder flame And then like

Up here on bicep, that's gonna be my hinge Like a hinge H Yeah, and then the okc logo The okc logo And then just like the text, like the sms The text icon is pretty cool How about like the phone icon with like fucking Like a no through it

I don't think so I would just get like just text messages No, no, I don't think so, right? Yeah, no, I shouldn't I don't know, I like Like usually sleeves have themes, right? I like, I mean I like Nature a lot, maybe there's some kind of

Oh, like Yosemite landscape That'd be cool, I like birds, I really like hawks So I think I'm gonna get like Like an Atlanta hawks player I've always wanted a hawk tattoo Which hawks but web? Nice, man Why? Why are you mad at that?

Alright, let's talk about what happened after the little field show then Enough about that actually Should we try to answer one or two more questions? Yeah, I'm down You know, we're already here Remember when we said this podcast would be half an hour long? True, we were lying Now it's half an hour short

Oh, bad laugh That's my new laugh now I chose it It chose me Don't make me laugh, I'm here Please, don't make me laugh I can't Your laugh is Tarzan fucking mid swing

I can't laugh again, no Merse, ready? Last question, maybe Hey dudes, this one comes from Porky the Pig Oh, I like this one, ready? Try to stay focused It's a little bit longer

Alright, I'm gonna pop on Okay, see I need you here with me I need you here You're not gonna lose you, man I'm not gonna lose you Look at me Don't say goodbye

Hey guys, I have an issue with girls I've been described as funny and charming And I generally have no problem confidently talking to anyone Opposite sex or not When I'm having a fun night out But recently I found myself feeling like the ugly duckling Of my group of friends I don't think that I'm a bad looking young man

But when I see how most of my friends are kind of like Jake And have about three girls at a time chasing after them It makes me think, what's wrong with me? Maybe it's just a confidence issue But whenever I'm out drinking with my friends I can't seem to hook up with a girl that I find interesting But my friends seem to have no trouble with it And end up getting with the girls I try to impress

Is it just that I don't feel comfortable in a club Since I can't really talk So then my looks are the main selling point With a girl? Is it that I have to rethink how I approach girls In a club environment? Is it that those girls that I'm trying to impress Just aren't the right sort of girls for me?

Or is it something else that I'm completely oblivious to? Do you ever feel like this, Amir When you're hanging out with Jake? Love, porky the pig Do you? Yes, I do It's sort of condescending and funny to read it But yeah, I mean When you're out with people that are

Much more successful with ladies You have to like, okay, rethink your approach I think you're successful with ladies But I'm not as successful This guy's like worried that Oh, I'm hanging out with people that are more successful with girls Which is gonna happen I mean, not everybody is great at everything

I mean, it happens to me too I go out with guys who Have better luck with girls than I do This guy's sort of going through I think what I go through Which is like, when you go out To certain places, it's filled With ladies that is not

Your type of lady Like, this guy's Strong suit is probably Being charming and funny And it's hard to be charming and funny When it's sweaty Loud and dancey You can dance funny

Dancing, you should always just dance That's a good advice in general I think I heard somebody I think maybe it was Chris Gether Who said it on the Pete Holmes podcast But that's a really good advice, he's always like Just dance, nobody's good at dancing But girls like guys that are just dancing

And you're not gonna be great But you're at least gonna be dancing Just yeah, have fun Be inclusive, dance Also, I would say Well, try to go to some places That play to your strengths where you can talk to people Yeah, like a calculus review session

Yeah, that's dope People roll there, right? We usually answer questions of people that are like Lack self-awareness and this guy is like hyper self-aware This guy is too much self-awareness It might be getting to his head at this point Actually, come out with us, dude I'm serious

He steals all my girls, wait a minute No, I have to write it to his podcast Yeah, I think I mean, also if you're charming And you can talk to people It's not always about just Going home and meeting somebody that night Start making

Groups of friends and then You can invite people out Say you meet somebody, you charm them Talk to them, say Hey, you should come out with me and my friends Maybe she comes with a bunch of friends and on the way there They're like, oh, you have to meet Porky the pig, he's like super cool

He's really funny, so then They're coming in and viewing you in a positive light You need to expand your circle Not just rolling to a club or a bar With four dudes trying to take chicks home You just show up and Have more Have friends, have girls meeting you there

First of all, this is probably where A lot of people land where it's like I'm fine looking, I'm Charming enough, and I'm funny enough But it's just not hitting I'm cool once people give me a chance But it is that first chance That's usually based on looks alone

And you have to be sort of It's this delicate balance of You have to be confident, but not overly confident Like you have to be confident in your abilities But also not overcrowd somebody Yeah, it's weird Tell you what, man It comes to me naturally, so like

Just do that Don't be you, be me I think Just trust your gut And hope that it's the same as mine But if it's not your fault But It's a specific question of

Is it that I have to rethink how I approach girls In a club environment? I don't think you're approaching them incorrectly It's just not going to happen in a club Environment Guys that are great in a club environment Are what? Tall

Physically Imposing Great dancing, confident dudes Who does well at clubs Or guys with tables, bottle service Like spend mad money, get bottle service Have you thought about perhaps making models nervous? Maybe that could do

If you were making models nervous Then you have gotten the bottles Service A good place to meet, I feel like for For this type of person, aka my kind of person Your dude A good place to do it is birthday parties Yeah, it's always a friend's friend

Friends friends Friends friend is the way to go Your friend's cousin, your ex's friend It helps to be funny in their proximity But not necessarily at them Yes, just funny around them Like who's this funny guy who's not necessarily Cornering me

At a party, just like being funny Always smile, smiling I smile all the time If I am near girls I'll just start smiling And laughing with my friends Because those people are having fun When you're out, you want to be around people having fun

You don't want people fighting or angry or sad Maybe it was over the summer Or something I went out with somebody At the end of the night, it was like four We didn't meet a girl the entire night I can't say it was Dave And he was like, alright

We were at Whiskey We were going to go to Kinfolk, we went to this bar Back down the street, we walked in Walked to the back, walked out I walked in, I saw Dave just pointing at the door He's shaking his head, like no, nothing Like a bar across the street Walked in, took a lap

Just like straight business Just like supermarket sweep of dating And of course we met no one We walked all the way in a cameo Like four blocks away And we walked in, walked in the back There's nothing, and Dave is like, alright Should we go to Cram Vic?

Which is like eight blocks from there And I was just like, you know what man? I think not We're not putting out the vibe Nice, cool, fun guy Who's that guy who just ran in here Looked around six times and then sprinted out I think he's my soulmate

This pied piper of pussy Not how you do it, you act like you don't want the shit And they give you the shit for free Swingers Swingings Act like you don't need the shit and you get the shit for free Celebrities don't have to, the rich people don't have to pay for things It's so weird how that works, right?

Yeah, rich people get stuff for free Can they wonder why one percent of the population Has 80% of the wealth I mean look at the numbers people Look at the numbers I'm not even talking about communism I'm talking about a more even distribution of capital funds It's simple, it's simple math

It's ergonomic, it's economic It's trickle down, it's trickle down Top of the pie, how about Top of the pie I don't even want a slice, I want the crust I want the crust This is me at the club talking to a girl Also what about

Yeah, you try online dating for sure Because that's a great way to just be A lot of profiles or people who are not funny If you can be charming and witty and writing That's a good way to go Yeah, but I feel like his thing isn't like Necessarily I need to meet girls It's like I want to be on the same level as my friends

And I think you might just have to accept that you're That you're not going to do well When your friends go to the club But you guys have to go somewhere after the club You start saying let's go to an after party And then you're the one that's charming and funny and cool That's more to your strength And don't get jealous, don't get like hateful

Because that's when you really start to fall apart Right, because all girls have friends Your friends can hook up with people And that's just going to mean like Your circle of people is expanding There's more girls The more girls they hook up with the better it is for you I have to hang out with you more I think

No, you don't If anything I have to hang out with you You push people away And I don't mean that in like In like some sort of Oh no, your vibe is bad Yesterday when we were out You pushed a girl to the ground

Yeah, she was costing you She was robbing you I think She had her hands on my back pocket Yeah, ready to swipe your wallet And I said absolutely not That's what you said from the back of the cop bar After we were called on you I said chick magnet? No, no, no

I'm a chick Hagmet I shoved her Yeah, you from the back of the car You kicked out the windows You tackled your arresting officer And said you were making a citizens arrest This is more than illegal I dragged her down to the precinct

And they handcuffed me actually Can you make a citizens arrest on a police officer? I'm going to go On record as stating Yes No That's like walking into a courtroom To the judge to prison

That's what you can do in Australia Excuse me We got so many comments about Movember being started in Australia Yeah, it's funny I went to trivia night at a bar that night And it was like It was right after we answered that question about Movember being in Australia And he's like

This, Movember actually started In this city Which is near the Yola River And I didn't get it But I was like I think It's Australia And we guessed Sydney but it was Melbourne Oh wow

So it almost helped us out Unfortunately We lost And the podcast goes on Because the grand prize was going to be enough money to retire Were you playing trivia? I was playing it at Harris Casino You are the 1%

It was a $2,900 buy-in $6,000 entrant Main event Wow, amazing It was more lucrative than Jeopardy I think Of course Absolutely Nobody's won that much money

On Jeopardy We're out of time Let's hit the road Jack And we will come back no more We will come back ever more We're releasing this podcast on Thursday Which means it's the first day of our live tour Oh my goodness, tonight

We're going to be in Arlington tonight In Philadelphia, Burlington, Boston Ann Arbor, Madison, Chicago, Minneapolis We want to see you, please come out Say hi, hang out And it would be fun to try to Make it a situation where not only We get to perform in front of our fans

But we get money We really get money It's that, oh really We really want to get the most We get to cut at the door We love money, performing is fine Traveling is fine, fans are cool We have money is what it's all about

Let's say you live in Florida No, we're not coming to Florida You buy a ticket to Madison and you don't show up We are the 1% You don't have to come to the freaking crowd To buy a ticket, anyone can buy a ticket This is called, you guys out there, this is called negging And we think it works

We think everybody's not logging on right now Buying a ticket The Madison show is sold out Credit cards are coming from Miami The theater is empty but don't worry Maximum money The facts are in on stuff We had a perfect game going

But now it's eBay So please, yes, do try to come out And hang out with us, it's going to be fun We want to hang, we want to chill Because these are places we've never been to before I'm excited to see Madison Me too I'm excited to be in

Because we were in Minneapolis We were in these places for a little bit But we didn't hang We're hanging hard at this shit Don't touch the cord Absolutely don't touch the microphone cord So they're static

And then people complain, I read the comments And it kills me because Jake played with a microphone cord Holy shit Let's sign off This was the last podcast I don't deserve to be scolded Like a child We're still accepting

Theme song submissions, so please Keep them coming, the first one was from somebody named Peter And this last one is from someone named Kiernan Now, it might be the case Where the first one was from someone named Kiernan The last one was from someone named Peter I was able to put those names in my short term memory bank But don't remember the exact order

At which I received them So please, enjoy This theme song from either Peter Or Kiernan Thanks guys That's it, that was our episode Thanks again to LegalZoom for being such a cool sponsor So please, check out LegalZoom.com

If you have any business questions And remember to use coupon code Jake Or coupon code Amir Peeth, I'm out