If I Were You - 37: The One Percent

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

In this episode we discuss our shortcomings, our longcomings, and then try to guess who is 51.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. won't last each effort to try and stop their career from going to shit Second Another podcast Second Each app different from the last Second It's the Swiss Army knife of shows Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts

Second Now let me to two pathetic hoes Seconds Woo! Woo! Woo! Your first podcast as a single man in a while. Yeah, well, I mean, I wouldn't say first podcast as a single man in a while. Yeah, well, I mean, I wouldn't say first podcast as a single man in a while because there's, you know,

on some level, the relationship was broken for a long time. I was living on my, my lonesome. I was living in solitude. I guess we should say it's official. Jill has served me. Woo! And where are you? You're back at your parents' basement?

I'm back at my parents' basement, but I have set my Tinder radius to desperate. So that is up to Red Deer in Canada, down to Tallahassee, Florida. Down to Mexican hat, Utah. Mexican hat. You know, I've been to Mexican hat. I got the sombrero.

I have a, yes, I actually believe it's on my Instagram. Really? Yeah, I think so. I think so. You're living Lovita lockdown, back in the parents basement. Yeah. Absolutely solo, dolo, cold and dumb.

Yeah, and it's a gorgeous day. It's a little hot, but you know, I would love to be upstairs. I would love to be outside. I would love to be at the pool, but no, I'm in the basement, windowless, pretty bad ventilation actually, yeah. Sad, it's dank, it's damp, it's cold.

That's one thing I was going for, it's a little chilly down here. Right, because heat rises, it leaves the basement kind of dank and wet. Heat rises and I don't. Yeah, well this is segments, the only podcast hosted by us on the entire web. I'm still here.

I am forever Jake. Speaking of me, you asked chat GPT Oh yeah. to come up with some trivia questions about myself. Right. That's right. I had, well, I had the idea that I would do like a year 2000 trivia. You know, everything, all things that happened in 2000.

I was like, will this be interesting? And I searched, or, you know, I asked ChatGBT to give me 10 questions about what happened in the year 2000. And it wasn't that interesting. You know, the movie that won best picture, I believe was the Gladiator. But is that any interesting?

They're coming out with a new one. I don't know if you saw Gladiator 2 coming soon. Now that actually is really fascinating. Yeah. But no, then you asked me to see if it could make a quiz about Jake and Amir or you. And I asked it answered. Um, it was pretty, the first round of questions was pretty bad.

It was like, what web series did Amir Blumenfeld star in at college humor? Um, yeah, like what is, I believe it also said, what is Amir's last name in the Jake and Amir web series? So like pretty easy questions, I think too easy. And then I said, I need 10 obscure questions. They need to be very niche, something only a super fan of Amir Blumenfeld would know. And it gave me some really interesting questions,

which I think it made up, but we'll see. We'll see if any of this is accurate. Do you wanna play? It's either wrong or it knows things about myself that I don't even know. Exactly. Okay. So I'm just gonna pull, I have about 20 questions,

but I'll pull randomly. So this is chat GPT saying, here are 10 obscure Amir Blumenfeld trivia questions with multiple choice answers. Okay. Okay. What is the name of Amir Blumenfeld's podcast? If I Were You, the Headgum Podcast,

Twinnovation or the Duty Report? The Duty Report, the fuck is that? I guess, I guess chat GPT combed the archive of the internet and kind of deduced, deduced what you would be good at. Nice. Dudi-st. What's the correct answer?

If I were you, I would say is the closest, even though that doesn't exist anymore. Yes, actually. And chat GPT did not, would not accept that answer. The answer is B, the head gum podcast. Okay, so it's trivia question that an AI wrote so it might be incorrect. I have to get in the mind of the bots, the algorithm.

Okay. Before joining CollegeHumor, where did Amir Blumenfeld work? A, Starbucks? B, the New York Times? No. C, Barnes and Noble? Or D, MTV? I guess the one that's most potentially incorrect, but in a slightly right way is MTV, even though that came after College Rumor, but we did have a show on MTV. So at one point I was employed by them. Final answer, DMTV? No, Barnes & Noble, C.

Correct, Barnes & Noble is correct. Yes, so I did steal a magazine from Barnes and Noble one summer when I was 15. And that counts. They made me work there for two weeks to pay it off. And that's what it's coming up with. All right, so you're one of two. I haven't told a soul about that,

but I guess they fucking combed the employment record or something and found my name. They downloaded CCTV footage. Yes. In the web series, Jake and Amir, what is Amir's catchphrase? A, dope, B, not really dude, C, naysky,

or D, I'm so coy. See, this one I could have known if it like or D, I'm so coy. See this one, it could have known if it like was able to scrape every Jake in your script, which does exist and come up with the most popular three to four sentence segment type set. It should be able to do that. It wouldn't, like it doesn't seem like it would be that hard to make like a catchphrase quiz for you for sure.

Right. Chat, GPT cannot. At one point, hashtag dope was a catchphrase of yours, but I think that was from the podcast, right? Yeah. Hashtag dope. What does it think? What was the coy one?

I'm so coy. Yeah, the answers are dope, not really do, mayski, and I'm so coy. Yeah, the answers are dope, not really dude, naysky and I'm so coy. Okay, I'll go with the most wrong one because that's what worked for Barnes and Noble. I'll go naysky, which I've never said in my life. Yeah. That is correct. N-A-Y-S-K-I, correct answer.

Naysky. Again, it couldn't have been a catchphrase. A two-cellable word I've never uttered in my life. You're actually killing it. Are you, you're two for three? Yeah, maybe even three for three. No, you got one wrong. Three for four, didn't you?

Okay. Yeah, you got the Head Gun Podcast one wrong, but you got Barnes and Noble and Naysky. Naysky, yeah. Okay. Amir Blumenfeld made a cameo appearance the Headgun Podcast went wrong, but you got Barnes and Noble and Naseke. Naseke, yeah. Okay. Amir Blumenfeld made a cameo appearance in which of the following films? Can you, okay, I guess you have been in a film.

All right, so the answers are A, The Disaster Artist, B, Superbad, C, Anchorman, or D, 21 Jump Street. Wow. This one is real easy to search. So I'm disappointed in Chat GPT. Yeah, it should have been able to say Harold and Kumar 3. Yeah. One of the first two sound good.

Like, yeah, just go to your IMDB. Yeah, the disaster artist featured some comedians. So maybe they just assumed I was in that. I'll put the disaster artist. Correct. This is incredible that you're doing so well. I really am through the looking glass. I'm getting into the mind of the algorithm. Which celebrity did Amir Blumenfeld once have a famous feud with on Twitter? A. Justin Bieber B. Kanye, C, Jimmy Fallon,

or D, Taylor Swift. Which famous comedian? Well, two of those aren't comedians, right? No, which celebrity did Amir Bounsouk have a famous feud with? I probably have tweeted at or retweeted jokingly, most Justin Bieber, but again, I have to get in the mind of someone that's looking for literally the worst possible answer.

That has no idea what the fuck it's talking about. A computer that's malfunctioning. Jimmy Kimmel. Which it was really incredible because that's not even an answer. I assume you mean Jimmy Fallon? Yeah, it's Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Fallon. Incorrect, the answer is B, Kanye West.

Which I should have been in a fight with, yeah. That's true. That one was slightly illogical, shit. Okay, here's back. Now we are back into completely illogical. What is the title of Amir Blumenfeld's 2017 comedy special? A, Amir Blumenfeld the podcast ears be nude the musical see the cool guy or D Amir Blumenfeld not really a hero.

I wonder what in its programming DNA it came up with to have this as a question. For random sentences. It all sounds so bad. And it was so sure. What was the title of his 2017 comedy album? 2017 had to be just the worst year for a comedy special too. Why did he assume?

Why did it assume? I assume it's Cool Guy, because I kind of like that as a title. Yeah, the Cool Guy actually maybe is the one that's not that bad. Like, Amir Blumenfeld, and also some of them say, two of them say your name and then a colon. So your special is Amir Blumenfeld colon the podcast years.

That's just so bad. Yeah, imagine a comedy special. Welcome to Amir Blumenhal, the podcast gears. So boring sounding. I hate reading it. The cool guy is the nice, because I guess it's like just the most straightforward, nothing. Right.

But the answer is B, Nude the Musical. Nude the Musical. That's also really funny. The name of a comedy special. No singing, no nudity at all. That's actually really funny. The name of a comedy special. No singing, no nudity at all. That's actually really funny. Yeah. What is the title of the short film?

Now that we're talking about your solo projects. What is the title of the short film that Amir Blumenfeld wrote and directed in, you guessed it, 2014? A, The Badger. B, Waking Up With Strangers. C, Why You Suck At Guitar. And D, Mustache Warrior.

Mustache Warrior. The first three sort of allude to projects that either exist or were like potentially college humor videos, like how to get better at guitar to get laid, that video we were in. So maybe it's based on that. Badger I think is like a short film or something about a stuffed animal maybe.

So I'll say The Mustache Warrior, which is just completely random and unrelated to everything. It's like Nude the musical. Yeah. The answer is actually B, Waking Up with Strangers, which I feel like is that, is that not a thing? Like that's a, I feel like that's the name of a short film already or something. Waking Life is a movie. And then also the game show where Dan was like woken up in the

middle, like in the middle of the night show. Yeah. Oh, that's true. Okay. Let's, let's do a couple more nice and quick, cause these ones should be pretty easy actually. Lightning round before. Yeah. Before joining college humor, which city did Amir Blumenfeld live in while attending college? The answers are Chicago, Boston, Philadelphia, or Los Angeles, Los Angeles. Let's see if it got it. Philadelphia. Why? Why got it right. Philadelphia. Why? Why?

It was obviously Philadelphia. There's no way. What was the first college humor video that featured both Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld together? Oh, that's actually a good question. That is, none of these I think are correct. Hardly Working the Roofers, Jake and Amir Tinder, Hardly Working the Intern, roofers, Jake and Amir Tinder, hardly working the intern

or the Jake and Amir coffee shop. See, coffee shop is an actual video. Right. The other three are not right. The intern seems like it could, wait no, coffee shop and Tinder are both videos. Okay. The interns might be Coffee Shop and Tinder are both videos. Okay. The interns might be an early one where we did like intern interviews. Right, hardly working the intern. I'll search it.

I think I'll do that one. It's not a video. The ones that come up are freestyling interns, rap battle. That's what makes me even more sure that that's the answer. The answer is actually hardly working the roofers. Oh, another video that doesn't exist. Yes. Oh, here's a good one.

In the web series, Jake and Amir, what is the name of Amir's fictional girlfriend who is never seen or heard but is frequently mentioned? A. Sheila B. Tanisha C. Cheryl or D. Molly? Again, the most wrong answer is Tanisha. A name I've never said on the web series, maybe or since the web series. So I'll say Tanisha. That is correct.

Tanisha is correct. That is correct. Ding, ding, ding. It is Tanisha. It's so secretive. It's never even come up in 20 years. Okay, we have one more question. Oh wait, there's another really good one.

This one's for all the Marvels. This is my favorite one, I think. Amir Blumenfeld co-wrote and starred in a 2019 comedy film with Jay Kerwitz. Did you know that we did that? No, I totally forgot. In 2019, we were in a film. Me, you and Tanisha. Yeah, what is the title of this film that you and I starred in in 2019? A, The Long Dumb Road, B, Lonely and Horny, C, The Other Guys, or D, Jake and Amir, The Movie?

The Other Guys is a real movie. Lonely and Horny is what we did do. Jake and Amir, the movie could be misconstrued as a movie if you just piece together a bunch. And the last one, which one was it? The one that has nothing to do with anything? The long dumb road. Yeah, I'll go with the long dumb road, which is not a movie.

That's correct. That is correct. The long dumb road. Okay. So maybe like AI won't take over the world. Like if this is as good as it gets, they keep warning us, but like, That's correct, the long dumb road. Okay. So maybe like AI won't take over the world. Like if this is as good as it gets, they keep warning us, but like, I can't imagine this machine leading to,

I don't know, a robot versus human Holocaust. I mean, I kind of can because it seems like you could do something as simple as like, hey, keep the nuclear codes safe. And then chat GPT would be like, okay, now they're in the open or I'm launching the nukes or something like, it won't be smarter than us, but we'll be dumb enough to entrust it with something

that it can't handle. I think it will lead to- Yeah, it'll print it, a killing machine. And then it'll be like, to disable me, what's the name of a movie that Jake and Amir were in? We're like Jake and Amir? No, the long, winding road. Kill, destroy.

I don't think Amir Blumenfeld did anything after Nude the Musical. I think his career peaked at Nude the Musical. I love Jake. I loved Amir Blumenfeld Cole in the podcast years. I haven't heard from him since. All right, I think that was illuminating. Yeah, I thought it was really, really cool.

And I did pretty good all things considered. I tried to have the rule out. You actually did. I feel like you did better at this than like trivia that there was right answers to when we did like Jake and Amir trivia. Yes, yeah, for sure. Good for you. This episode is brought to you by ReSlayer's Take. That's right. So if you're looking for a new all ages tabletop role playing adventure, check out

Critical Role's latest podcast, The ReSlayer's Take. Very nice. It takes place in the fantasy world of Critical Role, Exandria of course. You'll be guided through the wild continent of Issylria, of course. Home to some of the most dangerous creatures. Here the Slayer's Take is the most notorious monster hunting the group in the realm, but when this group is previous of previously slain creatures start returning from the grave, it's up to six misfit mercenaries to band together and re-slay these supernatural threats as the re-slayers take. What do you think, Amir? Are you ready to play D&D? Well, this feels very dense, but I think fans of Critical Role and D&D in general will be really into it. Yes.

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Caroline Lux and Jasmine Xiong. Love it. So go check out the Reeslator's take and listen to new episodes every Monday. Anywhere you stream podcasts. Right on. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our program. A major gracias indeed. And a common Squarespace W sponsoring this episode of our program. A major gracias indeed. And a common Squarespace W.

Oh yeah. It's an easy product that only gets easier. A website so easy to build, Jake's done it multiple times. Many times over actually, many times. They have simple drag and drop technology, so you can design without being a designer, you can code without being a coder. You can sell, you can promote, you can design without being a designer you can code without being a coder you can sell you can Promote you can do anything your little heart desires on Squarespace and you better believe they have AI and

SEO tools good good because you have to this day and age that's a prerequisite That's right. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace Mm-hmm Jake. Do you know what domain name is available for people to buy? Have you heard of Instagram? Yep. Well, have you heard of distant gram? No, I haven't.

Instagram is something that happens in an instant, but distant gram is something that happens from a distance. So that's for your long lenses, your landscape shots. It's distant. I see, so it's sort of a picture still, but from far away. If you're a birder, for instance, and you're getting that zoom in, photograph or a voyeur, a birder or a voyeur,

anything with a telescoping lens, you can post on distantgram.com, which is available. Mine's a little simpler, it's vlogvlog.com. Well, it's actually really good. It's like if you have a vlog. Well, that's because the second vlog has two Gs in it. I see, okay, so that's actually a lot worse, a lot worse. A little harder to describe, but it's fun to say.

Totally. So if you wanna buy vlogvlog vlog, or distantgram.com, or just a website for yourself, Whatever you want, yeah. And launch an awesome website, all you gotta do is head to squarespace.com slash segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using the code segments.

Segments. Again, that's squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain, And when you're ready to launch, just use that code segments. Thank you, Squarespace. Indeed. All right, we're back. Yo, yo, here's a quick seg. I thought to call either top and bottom.

That's which, you know, yeah, not necessarily with the spirit of the segment, which you guys will see, or I am the 1%. Oh, that's good. I am the 1%, I like. So these are things that I've realized that I'm either in the top 1% of or bottom 1% of. And they're not like, you know, normal talents like basketball or speaking language or making funny videos.

I'm talking about mundane life events. For example, I'm noticing recently that I am in the bottom 1% of cracking eggs. I, for whatever reason, can't fucking crack an egg correctly. How often do you? How do you crack an egg? I'll tell you my tried and true method, which I think puts me squarely in like, I would say I'm above average at it. I think I'm above average. Yeah. Talk to me about your experience with cracking eggs. How often are you making eggs? First of all, I'm sort of in an omelet era, and I'm specifically in my locks era. Nice. I had never liked lox growing up. And ever since the sushification

slash salmonification of my palate, I've started incorporating lox to my eggs. And now you're insatiable. I'm like, this is great. I can have this every morning. Seems pretty healthy and super easy and fast to make. You get the lox pre-made, they're already done. You get them in that nice really thin package,

nothing like a really thin sleeve of lox. Right, where you have to reach your hand in and all of it gets wet just to get the lox. I gotta fucking slide it out with it, slimy with fish oil, but I finally do. And then the egg sticks, like two minutes. It's really easy to make an omelet except for the fact that I can't fucking crack an egg correctly. Are you actually flipping,

like you're making an omelet omelet or you like scramble eggs with uh, and you're calling that an omelet? Uh, I'm cracking eggs into the omelet and then I like, I'm like moving the eggs around. So it's almost like white and yellow ribbons, sort of half fried, half scrambled. I see, okay. So, but you're not like whisking it, pouring it, flipping it in a French fashion. No, no, I'm not whisking it. Well, I actually- So I'm trying to crack like on the side of the pan. And then if I do that too hard,

it cracks on the outside of the pan and egg gets onto the fire, bad. That's what you don't wanna do. Or I'll do it too light and I'll crack it and it like won't even crack all the way through. And then I'm forcing it open with my hands. It's like over the thing and shell is falling in. What you're making is actually a rookie mistake.

I make my daughter eggs most days of the week. Okay. And I'll tell you exactly how to crack an egg. Are you ready? You blended shell and all. And Gemma loves the shell, or at least she doesn't mind. And mama doesn't have to know. Cause she left me.

So I grew up thinking you needed to crack an egg on the side of a bowl, on the side of a pan, something that needs to be like a sharp edge. Yes. Yeah. You do not crack it directly on your counter. I don't understand that. I've heard of people say that like then it just flattens it onto the counter. How does it create a ridge all the way through the egg?

It doesn't, but you don't need a ridge all the way through the egg that you break open. It punctures the egg in the bottom, like at the bottom. And then you put your thumb in that puncture and pull it apart. See, when I do that, then it creates the shells that fall in. I need like a, I can maybe do it on the corner of the counter.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You do it on the flat. Does any egg get on the counter? No, cause honestly, That's impossible. If it cracks open on the counter and none of the wet egg gets out. I mean some egg will get on the flat. Does any egg get on the counter? No, because honestly, if it cracks open on the counter and none of the wet egg gets out. Some eggs gonna get anywhere.

If you crack it, there might be a little bit of seepage, but I'm telling you, you are way more likely to crack the egg in half accidentally and have it go all the way down the pan when you're cracking it on the side of something. Then if you just crack it directly on the counter, because even if you crack it pretty hard, the structural integrity of that yoke isn't fully compromised. It's only the shell. Well, what I've been doing is using a knife and sort of slicing it over the pan. That way,

it does get a little shelly, but it is a specific slice. And then I do it open, open, open it with my fingers over the pan. Go get an egg. Go get an egg. No, I don't wanna get it on my fucking computer. You get an egg, get an egg. Your computer is obviously raised on a little like platform right now.

It's on a standing desk. I would have to get egg on the desk. Where would I put the fucking yolk? Clear the desk. No. There's wires, there's an iPad, there's these things, there's no room for it. I need to do it separately in my kitchen later.

Okay, fine. Will you record a video of you trying my method? Let's see how well it works. Okay, so I'll try your method later. Also, what are your thoughts on non-stick pans? You believe that shit or it's like eventually everything starts to stick?

Well, I'm worried about, actually I'm not, but Jill was worried about, I don't know, microplastics or like, you know, non-stick pans are not actually that good for you. You're kind of eating the Teflon or something. So we got rid of all of our nonsticks and now we're on ceramic pans. Interesting. And then does it stick? Is there just sticking and it's like, that's part of the fucking game at this point? Yeah, I mean, it sticks a little bit,

but it's not really a big deal. I put some butter in there. Like I still, I'm able to extricate most of the egg. I think it's, they're slightly harder to clean, but not much harder to clean. It's fine. I feel like I buy a new nonstick pan every six months and it's like, actually to make it really nonstick, you can't do this and you have to butter it and you can't make it too hot.

Never actually clean it by like making it this like level of water. I'm like, these are too many rules. You're trying to get out of the nonstick thing. It's either nonstick or it's not. I think I'm at, I'm in the bottom 1% of taking care of pans. Like I really don't give a shit about a pan. Don't.

So you'll leave a thin film of egg on the inside. No, I mean, I wash them pretty, I wash them pretty well, but like, I'm not paying attention to heat. I'm not paying, like, I'm not going to read anything on how to make it non-stick. I'm like butter or oil makes it pretty non-stick and that's good enough for me. Are you turning the heat all the way up? No, I keep it, I keep it pretty low. I learned at a young age that if you don't want to see flame going out from the side of the pan, that means it's too hot. All of the, all of the flame should be heating the bottom of the pan.

So I tend to keep it pretty low. That's good. I think that's the way to make it nice and soft too, without burning. You don't want to burn the outside while leaving the inside kind of runny. Yeah, I have gotten, I've gotten very good at making two scrambled eggs for Gemma.

And will you eat one? No, I don't know why I haven't. I sometimes, well, I guess I, yeah, I used to have a bite, but now she kind of eats two eggs, so I don't, I just let her have the whole thing. Sometimes she gives me a bite, sometimes one falls on the floor and I'll eat that. Not all the way on the floor,

but on like the little catchy thing underneath her high chair. So I'll take a bite for sure. All right, do you have anything in the bottom one? Bottom one. And or top one. I mean, I think I have a very bad short-term memory. I have like, if you ask me anything

like what I did last weekend and I just can't ever remember. I sometimes need to like- Like you can't remember it at first or you like actually can't figure it out even if you spent an hour thinking. I guess if I spent an hour thinking I could, but if somebody says like,

oh, like what'd you do last week? I would be like, I honestly, I can't, I don't know. I need to look at my phone and see if I have a photo of something. And then I'll look at my phone, I'll be like, oh, I went camping upstate. I was like, that should be the top. Like that should not be hard to recall.

That was a big one. Yeah. I have a very bad memory. But then sometimes we look at old Jake and Amir videos from like 2009. You're like, oh, I remember that shirt. I was giving it to it, uh, two weeks before that shoot. And I gave it away to my brother, um, the day after and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I think I have a good, maybe I have a good long-term memory, but a bad short-term. So like I'll remember that trip that I took last week in 10 years. Yeah. The shirt you wore that day, but not necessarily what happened yesterday. I am very visual. So I do need, I need like some, I need hints. Like that's why when I see a still from a Jake and Amir, I can call up more stuff. But if I'm just standing out in the open world and somebody is like, I don't know, describe a shirt you used to own.

Well, maybe I could do that. But if it's not related to clothes, I think I'd be lost. You're just obsessed with shirts. That's probably true. You fucking love shirts. What is that shirt? JT Tennis? That's new.

It is new. I bought it at L train vintage six and a half weeks ago. I spent $27, but I paid all cash so they didn't have to charge me more. The processing fee. Yeah, I don't know. Can you think of anything that I'm in the bottom 1% of? Like, what do you think I suck at?

I don't know. I guess I don't really necessarily watch you every day. Yeah. It used to be cooking in general, but you said you got better at that during the pandemic. Yeah, I am definitely, I don't think I'm good at cooking, but I can like cook things without really like looking over a recipe now.

Yeah. Like I kind of know the internal temperatures of what chicken is supposed to be. So I can cook it. Don't get me started on meat thermometers. I don't trust those either. Really? What about going into the movies? I feel like you rarely go to the movies. Oh yeah. No, I haven't been, I mean, I haven't gone to a movie theater in two years, I don't think. Yeah.

In the last five years, how many movies have you seen in theaters? Less than 10, I would say. For sure. Yeah, for sure. That's gotta be bottom one percent. Yeah. I'm also really bad. I only, only because I've recently started doing this.

I, um, I never go to museums. I live in New York City and I hadn't gone to a museum once since I moved back in 2019. I still never been to a musical since I moved back. So maybe culture. Yeah, culture, experiencing culture. Yeah, you sort of moved to. Cultural Mecca of the world. And in the last five years, haven't seen a musical, a movie or a museum. Right. And all of the stuff that I like is actually really, really hard to do in New York City.

Like riding my bike and rock climbing and surfing. Those are things I have to kind of leave the city to do. Interesting. And you don't really go to bars anymore either. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I don't really, you should be living in, I don't know, Connecticut. I should just say, I should stay here at my parent's house.

There's no reason to leave. Yeah. Cause there's not a lot of space in New York. Everything's more expensive, but you pay that premium to do the cultural things that you're not doing. What about concerts? Yeah, exactly. I guess I've gone to concerts maybe a little bit more because I usually, like people will ask me to go. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, left to my own devices,

I think I get more. Music, movies, museum, musicals. These are the four M's. That I'm not maximizing at all. movies, museum, musicals. These are the four M's. That I'm not maximizing at all. I think I like stuff. I like doing stuff during the day. Like I like being out in the morning

and then being home at night. Yeah. Music I could do at 9 a.m. Yeah, I love that. Imagine just strolling out of bed and seeing cats at 8.45. You get out and it's still 11, time to make fucking eggs.

Yeah. It's not a matinee, it's a satinee, because you're doing it on Saturday in the a.m. On satin sheets. How good are you at putting a duvet cover? That can be pretty polarizing. Oh yeah, like putting it, you mean putting it on? Yeah, putting the duvet cover over

or folding a fitted sheet, bed laundry in general. I'm decent at all of that. I think I'm top 1%, top 1% of organization and keeping things orderly. Like, you have like, you know exactly where your fitted sheet should go or your towels. Yeah, I don't know exactly how to fold the fitted sheet, but I know generally the vibe of what you want it

to look like at the end and I can get there. But generally the vibe of what you want. Because you have the scrunchie pieces and you don't want any of those exposed. You want it to basically be as square as the flat sheet. Yeah. Which you can, if you just get it into like a zone. So you know what folding is.

You just don't know how to do it for that. I can do it. No, I can do it. I'm creative and I can make it my own. I know what it's supposed to look like at the end, a ball, like this fucking disorganized basketball, a sheet sphere of sorts. I can get it. A wrinkly kind of still wet.

Excuse me, I'm telling you, I can make it look like the flat sheet. I can do that, but I don't follow, I don't prescribe to any of these Marie Kondo, here use a cardboard cutout thing to make it perfect. I don't think you have to make it perfect because it's only ever gonna get unfurled and fitted over a mattress.

Let's be serious. One of my top 1% is detangling wires. I'm pretty good at untangling a wire mess. A cord too. What do you,, like headphone cords or old remote controls on video games. Do you mean like you can do that faster than most people? Or do you think most people don't even?

I can do it at all. At all. Than most people. Like you're saying some people just leave their wires messy. This is fucking, it's a knot. It's a giant morass, it's a mess. I can't figure this out. Give me a week and I could probably get there if necessary. As long as you also don't need an egg.

Okay. How's that for cracking an egg? All right. Some tops and bottoms, some one percents. Well, I didn't say my 1% yet. Oh, I guess I said it was keeping things orderly, but that was off the cuff. I think I'm actually the number one parker in the world. I don't think anybody is better at parking than I am.

Call me Parker. You could call me, I call myself the parking king. I actually do call my, I've said it on the podcast before. And what does that entail? Like finding a spot or getting- It entails finding a spot. Call me Parker. You could call me, I call myself the parking king. I actually do call my, I've said it on the podcast before. And what does that entail? Like finding a spot or getting into a spot? It entails respect first and foremost. So don't ask me questions

that you don't need to know the answer to. It's a fucking conversation. Don't talk to the parking king. Do not talk to the parking king. All right, fine, let's not talk about it then. And let's spoken to. Well, the parking king wants to talk about it. The parking king will talk about it.

So let's hear. But don't ask the parking king questions, okay? Okay, so parallel parking or? Being the parking, don't interrupt the king, neither. Or it's off with your head. So that's the first thing, I am allowed to order decapitations. I'm the parking jester.

It's about, number one, it's about parallel parking. That's just baseline requirement. You have to know exactly how big your car is. I cannot tell you how many times people have told me that I wouldn't fit somewhere and I fucking absolutely fit. I have a pretty big car, a pretty long car, it is a 4Runner and I can make it fit in any spot. Okay? If your wrap can fit there, then my 4Runner can. Which is legal. Yes, and I'll nudge you, but the king is allowed to scrape your Hyundai, okay?

Hondas are worse. I am the king. And I can actually bump you forward if need be. And I might fall out of a bumper body. And I might leave my car angled into the street but I can't fit. The trick is to have your tires on the curb a little bit. If it didn't fit. It is also, you do need a little bit

of that king behavior in you because it's about finding spots that other people aren't really aware of that are spots. You know, like in, say you're on a street where there's a dip in the sidewalk, so it looks like it's a driveway, but actually it's fenced off. That's no longer a driveway or this driveway was converted to a storefront. It looks like it's not no parking, but you are allowed to park there. So it's kind of seeing through the system,

knowing that the rules don't apply to the king and parking there. Loading zones on a Sunday. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I saw you get kind of mad at me because I was talking over you or something. Yeah, I was gonna call you out. But I saw that you're about to back off. I saw that you were about to back off. And it takes, you know, you're learning to respect the parking king.

And I appreciate that. And does it require a little bit of luck? Excuse me? I was going to say it requires luck. Yes, the parking king is born into this, is born into this golden situation. So it doesn't require luck as much as it requires, I don't know, birthright maybe? Destiny? Yeah, is being born into the monarchy luck. I guess kind of is. Yes, I am blessed. I am lucky. But I think it also requires, you know,

savviness, confidence, as I mentioned, you ever leave a meter like a little short, a little shy and be like, I'm probably not going to get a ticket. It'll be fine. Yeah. Oh yeah. Like street sweeping street sweeping is is eight 30 to 10. It's like, okay, I can actually come back at nine 42. I see the sweeper has gone through. I see another car with a ticket. I'm like, I can actually leave my car here. They're not going to ticket it. So yeah, there's a lot of, you know, there's gamesmanship, there's gamesmanship involved. It is, it's kind of like, it's like being prime minister in a way too, because I have negotiated my spot as the king. I have worked my way up there.

But it is also a birthright. It is a divine right, yes. Have you ever gotten a parking ticket? Have you ever gotten a parking ticket? Have somebody come for the king and he did not miss? Has someone had the gall to give the king a parking ticket you how do you think of i'm expected to pay this i'm destined to you know that um yeah of course i've gotten i've gotten some parking tickets 30 40 at a time no i got i for the amount of parking that i do i have gotten um surprisingly

little little parking tickets very few few. They are few and far between. They're in frequent. LA, New York, where mostly? More in New York, for sure more in New York. And that'll be, that'll mostly be street sweeping. That'll really mostly be street sweeping. And that's, and those are only days when I'm like, you know what, I think I might end up getting a ticket. I needed, I didn't move the car in time, but then I go and sometimes it's not there. You know, most times it's not. That's awesome. Yeah. We can look at my NYC NYC.gov slash city pay, uh, history and see how much I've spent on parking tickets in the last five years. Really? I didn't know they had that in the system like that.

Of course, of course they do. And could you do a one-handed egg crack or is that sort of an advanced technique? Ooh, no, I don't think, I mean. You didn't say you were the top one. That's top one behavior. Yeah, yeah. I'm above, I think I'm above 50

just so I can get it clean, but yeah, nothing like that. The two-handed, drop it like that. Yeah, that'd be cool. That would be cool. Throwing the shell into a fucking trash can without looking. In theory, I should be able to crack an egg on my, like on my other hand, like the palm of my hand, you know? Or what about on the, there was a TikTok trend

where parents would crack the egg on their kid's head, their forehead. Yeah. There was also one where they were- It would always startle the child, but it was ultimately funny. There was one where they were throwing cheese on a crying baby's face. That's good stuff.

I found it so unsettling. I really hated watching it. I'm sure if you put through the comments, there's a whole bunch. Yeah. I also hate that. I think there's no reason, they're naturally very curious and distractible.

Like it wasn't the egg that like stopped them from crying or the cheese. It was like a distraction. You could also have like, I don't know, said, look out the window, there's a bird. Yeah, that's not funny. Yeah, it's not funny, but it's not mean to a child either. But a crying child with a craft single

just sort of thrown at their face, that's the good stuff. I really hated it. Cause like none of them looked, it would have been different if it was like, they saw the craft single got on their face and then they started laughing and I'm like oh that's really cute but all of them just looked like a little confused and scared like yeah of course I'm upset I'm upset oh

something cold hit my face now I'm frightened that seems so bad I feel like there's gotta be child therapists in the comments being like this is bad try with a water balloon filled with cottage cheese see what happens maybe I feel like there's gotta be child therapists in the comments being like, this is bad. Try it with a water balloon filled with cottage cheese. See what happens. Maybe it'll start a new fucking trend. An ice bucket challenge, but with milk. For a baby, to get her to stop crying. For charity. I can get my kid to stop crying for charity. Okay. Good segment. Thank you to Rocket Money for charity. Okay, good segment. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring

this episode of our show. Hugely helpful sponsor. That's right, they save you cash. Exactly, it's a personal finance app that finds and cancels unwanted subscriptions and it monitors your spending, helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. I used it, I loved it.

I actually used it before they even sponsored this podcast. That's always a good feeling when you know you, you don't even have to lie about using it because you already have. That's right. I was just curious how many things I was signed up for. I wasn't even about the money. I was like, how many services do I have?

Even if I'm not paying for them, I just want to see what even the free trials, I just want to see everything, you know what I mean? Yeah. And they do an audit. Yeah. And I was spending $11 million a year subscribed to one of the most expensive and exclusive

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Woohoo folks. Jake, I don't know if you know this, but the best way to learn a language is immersion. Yeah, I actually did know that. Yes, you can live where the language is spoken and use it every day. But if that's not in the carts for you this year, because it is hard to move to Spain or Italy right now.

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So be a better, smarter person. Learn a new language with Babbel. Right on. Thanks Babbel. All right, we're back. Yo, yo. Not much time, but I thought we should play one of our classics, one of our favorites.

Guessing how old this person is game. AKA who's 51 today. Who's 51? Who is 51? What are the stakes? The stakes are stakes. Really? That's right. Loser owes the winner a 24 bone in ribeye

from the butcher's daughter, which is a famous restaurant. Okay. Okay. I think I guessed this last time and ended up being correct. Deborah Messing. Okay. But I think she was older ended up being correct. Deborah Messing. Okay.

But I think she was older. Instantly correct. And gets over. I know, I think I guessed her for like 56 or something. Siri, how old is Deborah Messing? Deborah Messing is 55 years old. 55, okay. So that establishes our baseline.

Yeah. 51, let's say Rivers Cuomo, the head of Weezer. Nice. Really nice. How old is Rivers Cuomo? Rivers Cuomo is 54 years old. 54. 54. How old is Jay Z? Hey Siri, how old is Jay Z? Hey Siri, how old is Jay Z?

Jay Z is 54 years old. Wow, we'd kill the 54 game. Yeah, we're right in that zone. We got to get out of music. Not as easy as it looks to get out of music. Cause all of a sudden you're thinking of Carrie Underwood. You're thinking of Billy Joel Armstrong. I got one. How old is Chipper Jones?

Who the fuck is Chipper Jones? Chipper Jones is 52 years old. He was on the Braves All-Star. He was on the Braves teams that kept winning championships. Nice. Really nice. Can I tie? Can I tie?

That's the question. Can- You're not even going for 51. You just want to be one year off. Oh, I thought you were 50. I thought that, I thought you just won. We didn't, you didn't win. No, that was 52.

Oh, wow. All right, great. So, so the game's still alive. The game's still alive. We should say after, after we get someone that's 52, the other person has a chance to tie and then choose. You need 51. Now you got me saying it.

Okay, oh wait, 51? What are we aiming for? 51. 51, always 51. Okay. Nice, Jesus Christ, dude, why are you yelling at me? And time. No, not time.

We were establishing the rules. We were establishing the rules. 51. Who the fuck is 51? What if it's nobody? Is that possible? What does it mean to is 51? What if it's nobody? Is that possible? What does it mean to be 51? It's like, oh, Seth Green.

I think he's like 34. I don't get it, but I can- How old is Seth Green? Seth Green is 50 years old. Wow, closer than I thought. Good job. Yes. Yes. 51.

Oh, classic. How old is Beto O'Rourke? Beto O'Rourke is 51 years old. Got it. Is that a new one? Okay, I didn't know the age. All right, wait, but now I get to tie. Now I get to tie. I don't know the age. All right, wait, but now I get to tie.

Now I get to tie. So who is somebody that looks like Beto O'Rourke? And why? Who's somebody that has that same vibe? Who's a Beto O'Rourke? Oh, okay. God, what's his fucking name? It's that guy.

It's that guy. It's that guy. It's the dude, Matthew fucking Lilith, dude. Lillard. Lillard, yes. That's what I said. How old is Matthew Lillard? Matthew Lillard is 54 years old. 54. Damn. We really got a lot of 54s. How old isard is 54 years old. 54.

Damn. We really got a lot of 54s. How old is Lilith? How old is Lilith then? How old is Lilith fair? You know, the feminist alt rock concert from the 90s. How old? Yeah.

All right. All right. I get steaks. I get steaks. All right, I'll mail you. I get steaks. I'll mail you a butcher's box. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Oh, we're watching Jake and Amir videos there. We're reading. We're writing Jake and Amir videos there. That's right.

And thank you to those of you who have been listening, but you can also be watching this on our YouTube channel. So thank you guys for watching as well. Yes. Thank you. And we'll be back next Monday. Happy July, America. See you then.

That was a Hidgum Original. Monday. Happy July, America. See you then. That was a Hidgum Original.